Chapter15
ATTHEENDofJanuaryPierrearrivedinMoscowandsettledinthelodgeofhismansion，asthathadescapedthefire。HecalledonCountRastoptchinandseveralacquaintances，andwasintendinginthreedaystosetofftoPetersburg。Everyonewastriumphantatvictory；theruinedandrevivingcitywasbubblingoverwithlife。EveryonewasgladtoseePierre；everybodywaseagertoseehim，andtoaskhimaboutallhehadseen。Pierrehadaparticularlyfriendlyfeelingtowardseveryonehemet。Butunconsciouslyhewasalittleonhisguardwithpeopletoavoidfetteringhisfreedominanyway。Toallthequestionsputtohim—importantortrivial—whethertheyaskedhimwherehemeanttolive，whetherheweregoingtobuild，whenhewasstartingforPetersburg，orwhetherhecouldtakeaparcelthereforsomeone，heanswered，“Yes，verypossibly，”“IdaresayImay，”andsoon。
HeheardthattheRostovswereinKostroma，andthethoughtofNatashararelycametohismind，andwhenitdidoccurtohimitwasasapleasantmemoryoftimelongpast。Hefelthimselfsetfree，notonlyfromthecaresofdailylife，butalsofromthatfeelingwhich，itseemedtohim，hehadvoluntarilybroughtuponhimself。
ThethirddayafterhisarrivalinMoscowhelearntfromtheDrubetskoysthatPrincessMaryawasinMoscow。Thedeath，thesufferings，andthelastdaysofPrinceAndreyhadoftenengagedPierre’sthoughts，andnowrecurredtohimwithfreshvividness。HeheardatdinnerthatPrincessMaryawasinMoscow，andlivinginherownhouseinVosdvizhenka，whichhadescapedthefire，andhewenttocalluponherthesameevening。
OnthewaytoPrincessMarya’sPierre’smindwasfullofPrinceAndrey，ofhisfriendshipforhim，ofthedifferentoccasionswhentheyhadmet，andespeciallyoftheirlastinterviewatBorodino。
“Canhepossiblyhavediedinthebittermoodhewasinthen？Wasnotthemeaningofliferevealedtohimbeforedeath？”Pierrewondered。HethoughtofKarataev，ofhisdeath，andunconsciouslycomparedthosetwomen，sodifferent，andyetalike，inthelovehehadfeltforboth，andinthatbothhadlived，andbothweredead。
InthemostseriousframeofmindPierredroveuptotheoldprince’shouse。Thehousehadremainedentire。Thereweretracestobeseenofthehavocwroughtinit，butthecharacterofthehousewasunchanged。TheoldfootmanmetPierrewithasternface，thatseemedtowishtomaketheguestfeelthattheabsenceoftheoldprincedidmakenodifferenceinthesevereroutineofthehousehold，andsaidthattheprincesshadretiredtoherownapartments，andreceivedonSundays。
“Takemynametoher，perhapsshewillseeme，”saidPierre。
“Yes，yourexcellency，”answeredthefootman；“kindlywalkintotheportrait—gallery。”
AfewminuteslaterthefootmanreturnedaccompaniedbyDessalle。DessallebroughtamessagefromtheprincessthatshewouldbeverygladtoseePierre，andbeggedhim，ifhewouldexcusethelackofceremony，tocomeupstairstoherapartment。
Inalow—pitchedroom，lightedbyasinglecandle，hefoundtheprincess，andsomeonewithherinablackdress。Pierrerecollectedthattheprincesshadalwayshadlady—companionsofsomesortwithher，butwhothosecompanionswere，andwhattheywerelike，hedidnotremember。“Thatisoneofhercompanions，”hethought，glancingattheladyintheblackdress。
Theprincessroseswiftlytomeethim，andheldoutherhand。
“Yes，”shesaid，scrutinisinghisalteredface，afterhehadkissedherhand；“sothisishowwemeetagain。Heoftentalkedofyouatthelast，”shesaid，turninghereyesfromPierretothecompanionwithasortofbashfulnessthatstruckhim。
“Iwassogladtohearofyoursafety。Itwastheonlypieceofgoodnewswehadhadforalongtime。”
Againtheprincessglancedstillmoreuneasilyatthecompanion，andwouldhavespoken；butPierreinterruptedher。
“Onlyimagine，Iknewnothingabouthim，”hesaid。“Ibelievedhehadbeenkilled。AllIhaveheardhasbeenthroughothers，atthird—hand。IonlyknowthathefellinwiththeRostovs。…Whatastrangestrokeofdestiny！”
Pierretalkedrapidly，eagerly。Heglancedonceatthecompanion’sface，sawattentivelyfriendly，inquiringeyesfixeduponhim；andasoftenhappens，whiletalking，hevaguelyfeltthatthislady—companionintheblackdresswasagood，kind，friendlycreature，whoneedbenohindrancetohistalkingfreelytoPrincessMarya。
ButasheutteredthelastwordsabouttheRostovs，theembarrassmentinPrincessMarya’sfacebecameevenmoremarked。AgainhereyesshiftedfromPierre’sfacetothefaceoftheladyintheblackdress，andshesaid:
“Youdon’trecogniseher？”
Pierreglancedoncemoreatthepale，thinfaceofhercompanion，withitsblackeyesandstrangemouth。Somethingveryneartohim，longforgotten，andmorethansweet，gazedathimoutofthoseintenteyes。
“Butno，itcannotbe，”hethought。“Thatstern，thin，palefacethatlookssomucholder？Itcannotbeshe。Itisonlyareminderofit。”
ButatthatmomentPrincessMaryasaid，“Natasha！”
Andthefacewiththeintenteyes—painfully，witheffort，likearustydooropening—smiled，andthroughthatopeneddoortherefloatedtoPierreasudden，overwhelmingrushoflong—forgottenbliss，ofwhich，especiallynow，hehadnothought。Itbreatheduponhim，overwhelmedhim，andswallowedhimupentirely。Whenshesmiled，therecouldbenodoubt。ItwasNatasha，andhelovedher。
InthatfirstminutePierreunwittinglybetrayedtoherandtoPrincessMarya，andmostofalltohimself，thesecretofwhichhehadbeenhimselfunaware。Heflushedjoyfully，andwithagonisingdistress。Hetriedtoconcealhisemotion。Butthemorehetriedtoconcealit，themoreclearly—moreclearlythanifhehadutteredthemostdefinitewords—hebetrayedtohimself，andtoher，andtoPrincessMarya，thathelovedher。
“No，itisnothing；it’sthesuddensurprise，”Pierrethought。ButassoonashetriedtogoonwiththeconversationwithPrincessMarya，heglancedagainatNatasha，andastilldeeperflushspreadoverhisface，andastillmoreviolentwaveofraptureandterrorfloodedhisheart。Hestammeredinhisspeech，andstoppedshortinthemiddleofasentence。
PierrehadnotnoticedNatashabecausehehadneverexpectedtoseeherhere；buthehadnotrecognisedherbecausethechangethathadtakenplaceinhersincehehadseenherwasimmense。Shehadgrownthinandpale。Butitwasnotthatthatmadeherunrecognisable。Noonecouldhaverecognisedheratthemomentwhenheentered，becausewhenhefirstglancedathertherewasnotraceofasmileintheeyesthatinolddayshadalwaysbeamedwithasuppressedsmileofthejoyoflife。Theywereintent，kindlyeyes，fullofmournfulinquiry，andnothingmore。
Pierre’sembarrassmentwasnotreflectedinacorrespondingembarrassmentinNatasha，butonlyinalookofpleasure，thatfaintlylightedupherwholeface。
Chapter16
“SHEhascometostaywithme，”saidPrincessMarya。“Thecountandthecountesswillbehereinafewdays。Thecountessisinaterriblestate。ButNatashaherselfhadtoseethedoctors。Theymadehercomeawaywithme。”
“Yes。Isthereafamilywithoutitsownsorrow？”saidPierre，turningtoNatasha。“Youknowithappenedtheverydaywewererescued。Isawhim。Whatasplendidboyhewas！”
Natashalookedathim，and，inanswertohiswords，hereyesonlyopenedwiderandgrewbrighter。
“Whatcanonesay，orthink，togivecomfort？”saidPierre。“Nothing。Whyhadhetodie，suchanobleboy，sofulloflife？”
“Yes；inthesedaysitwouldbehardtolivewithoutfaith…”saidPrincessMarya。
“Yes，yes。Thatistrue，indeed，”Pierreputinhurriedly。
“Howso？”Natashaasked，lookingintentlyintoPierre’seyes。
“Howso？”saidPrincessMarya。“Why，onlythethoughtofwhatawaits…”
Natasha，notheedingPrincessMarya’swords，lookedagaininquiringlyatPierre。
“Andbecause，”Pierrewenton，“onlyonewhobelievesthatthereisaGodguidingourlivescanbearsuchalossashers，and…yours，”saidPierre。
Natashaopenedhermouth，asthoughshewouldsaysomething，butshesuddenlystopped。
Pierremadehastetoturnawayfromher，andtoaddressPrincessMaryaagainwithaquestionaboutthelastdaysofhisfriend’slife。Pierre’sembarrassmenthadbynowalmostdisappeared，butatthesametimehefeltthatallhisformerfreedomhadvanishedtoo。Hefeltthattherewasnowajudgecriticisingeveryword，everyactionofhis；ajudgewhoseverdictwasofgreaterconsequencetohimthantheverdictofallthepeopleintheworld。AshetalkednowhewasconsideringtheimpressionhiswordsweremakingonNatashaasheutteredthem。Hedidnotintentionallysaywhatmightpleaseher；butwhateverhesaid，helookedathimselffromherpointofview。
Withtheunwillingnessusualinsuchcases，PrincessMaryabegantellingPierreofthepositioninwhichshehadfoundherbrother。ButPierre’squestions，hiseagerlyrestlessglance，hisfacequiveringwithemotion，graduallyinducedhertogointodetailswhichsheshrank，forherownsake，fromrecallingtoherimagination。
“Yes，yes，…”saidPierre，bendingforwardoverPrincessMarya，andeagerlydrinkinginherwords。“Yes，yes。Sohefoundpeace？Hewassoftened？Hewasalwaysstrivingwithhiswholesoulforonethingonly:tobeentirelygood，sothathecouldnotdreaddeath。Thedefectsthatwereinhim—ifhehadany—didnotcomefromhimself。Sohewassoftened？”hesaid。
“Whatahappythingthathesawyouagain，”hesaidtoNatasha，turningsuddenlytoher，andlookingatherwitheyesfulloftears。
Natasha’sfacequivered。Shefrowned，andforaninstantdroppedhereyes。Foramomentshehesitatedwhethertospeakornottospeak。
“Yes，itwasagreathappiness，”shesaidinalow，deepvoice；“formeitwascertainlyagreathappiness。”Shepaused。“Andhe…he…hetoldmehewaslongingforittheverymomentIwentintohim…”Natasha’svoicebroke。Sheflushed，squeezedherhandsagainstherkneesandsuddenly，withanevidentefforttocontrolherself，sheliftedherheadandbeganspeakingrapidly:
“WeknewnothingaboutitwhenwewereleavingMoscow。Ididnotdareaskabouthim。AndallatonceSonyatoldmehewaswithus。Icouldthinkofnothing，Ihadnoconceptioninwhatstatehewas；allIwantedwastoseehim—tobewithhim，”shesaid，tremblingandbreathless。Andnotlettingtheminterrupther，shetoldallthatshehadneverspokenoftoanyonebefore；allshehadgonethroughinthosethreeweeksoftheirjourneyandtheirstayinYaroslavl。
Pierreheardherwithpartedlipsandeyesfulloftearsfasteneduponher。Ashelistenedtoher，hewasnotthinkingofPrinceAndrey，norofdeath，norofwhatshewassaying。Heheardhervoiceandonlypitiedherfortheanguishshewasfeelingnowintellinghim。
Theprincess，frowningintheefforttorestrainhertears，satbyNatasha’ssideandheardforthefirsttimethestoryofthoselastdaysofherbrother’sandNatasha’slove。
TospeakofthatagonisingandjoyoustimewasevidentlynecessarytoNatasha。
Shetalkedon，minglingupthemostinsignificantdetailswiththemostsecretfeelingsofherheart，anditseemedasthoughshecouldneverfinish。Severaltimesshesaidthesamethingtwice。
Dessalle’svoicewasheardatthedooraskingwhetherNikolushkamightcomeintosaygood—night。“Andthatisall，all…”saidNatasha。ShegotupquicklyatthemomentNikolushkawascomingin，andalmostrunningtothedoor，knockedherheadagainstitasitwashiddenbytheportière，andwithamoan，halfofpain，halfofsorrow，sherushedoutoftheroom。
Pierregazedatthedoorbywhichshehadgoneout，andwonderedwhyhefeltsuddenlyaloneinthewideworld。
PrincessMaryarousedhimfromhisabstraction，callinghisattentiontohernephewwhohadjustcomeintotheroom。
ThefaceofNikolushka，solikehisfather，hadsuchaneffectonPierreatthismomentofemotionaltension，that，afterkissingthechild，hegotuphimself，andtakingouthishandkerchief，walkedawaytothewindow。Hewouldhavetakenleave，butPrincessMaryawouldnotlethimgo。
“No，NatashaandIoftendonotgotobedtillpasttwo，pleasestayalittlelonger。Wewillhavesupper。Godownstairs，wewillcomeinamoment。”
BeforePierrewentdown，theprincesssaidtohim:“Itisthefirsttimeshehastalkedofhimlikethis。”
Chapter17
PIERREwasconductedintothebig，lighted—updining—room。InafewminutesheheardfootstepsandtheprincessandNatashacameintotheroom。Natashawascalm，thoughthestern，unsmilingexpressionhadcomebackagainnowintoherface。PrincessMarya，Natasha，andPierreallequallyexperiencedthatfeelingofawkwardnesswhichusuallyfollowswhenaseriousanddeeplyfeltconversationisover。Tocontinueonthesamesubjectisimpossible；tospeakoftrivialmattersseemsdesecration，andtobesilentisunpleasant，becauseonewantstotalk，andthissilenceseemsasortofaffectation。Insilencetheycametothetable。Thefootmendrewbackandpushedupthechairs。Pierreunfoldedhiscolddinnernapkin，andmakinguphismindtobreakthesilenceheglancedatNatashaandatPrincessMarya。Bothhadplainlyreachedthesamedecisionatthesamemoment；intheeyesofboththeregleamedasatisfactionwithlife，andanadmissionthattherewasgladnessinitaswellassorrow。
“Doyoudrinkvodka？”saidPrincessMarya，andthosewordsatoncedispelledtheshadowsofthepast。
“Tellusaboutyourself，”saidPrincessMarya；“suchincrediblymarvellousstoriesarebeingtoldaboutyou。”
“Yes，”answeredPierre，withthegentlesmileofironythathadnowbecomehabitualwithhim。“ImyselfamtoldofmarvelsthatIneverdreamedof。MaryaAbramovnainvitedmetocomeandseeherandkepttellingmewhathadhappenedtome，oroughttohavehappened。StepanStepanovitchtooinstructedmehowIwastotellmystory。AltogetherIhavenoticedthattobeaninterestingpersonisaveryeasyposition（Iamnowaninterestingperson）；peopleinvitemeandthentellmeallaboutit。”
Natashasmiledandwasabouttosaysomething。
“WehavebeentoldthatyoulosttwomillionsinMoscow。Isthattrue？”
“Oh，Iamthreetimesasrich，”saidPierre。Inspiteofthestrainonhisfortune，ofhiswife’sdebts，andthenecessityofrebuilding，Pierrestillsaidthathehadbecomethreetimesasrich。
“WhatIhaveundoubtedlygained，”hesaid，“isfreedom…”hewasbeginningseriously；butonsecondthoughtshedidnotcontinue，feelingthatitwastooegoisticasubject。
“Andyouarebuilding？”
“Yes，suchareSavelitch’sorders。”
“Tellme，youhadnotheardofthecountess’sdeathwhenyoustayedinMoscow？”saidPrincessMarya；andsheflushedcrimsonatonce，consciousthatinputtingthisquestiontohimafterhismentionof“freedom，”shewasascribingasignificancetohiswordswhichwaspossiblynotintended。
“No，”answeredPierre，obviouslyunconsciousofanyawkwardnessintheinterpretationPrincessMaryahadputonhisallusiontohisfreedom。“IheardofitinOrel，andyoucannotimaginehowitaffectedme。Wewerenotanexemplarycouple，”hesaidquickly，glancingatNatashaanddetectinginherfacecuriosityastohowhewouldspeakofhiswife。“Butherdeathaffectedmegreatly。Whentwopeoplequarrel，botharealwaysinfault。Andonebecomesterriblyawareofone’sshortcomingstowardsanyonewhoisnomore。Andthensuchadeath…apartfromfriendsandconsolation。Ifeltverysorryforher，”heconcluded，andnoticedwithsatisfactionagladlookofapprovalonNatasha’sface。
“Andsoyouareoncemoreaneligibleparti，”saidPrincessMarya。
Pierreflushedsuddenlycrimson；andforalongwhilehetriednottolookatNatasha。Whenhedidventuretoglanceather，herfacewascoldandsevere，even，hefancied，disdainful。
“ButdidyoureallyseeandtalktoNapoleon，aswehavebeentold？”saidPrincessMarya。
Pierrelaughed。
“Notonce，never。EveryonealwaysimaginesthattobeaprisonerisequivalenttobeingonavisittoNapoleon。Ineversaw，neverevenheardanythingabouthim。Iwasinmuchlowercompany。”
Supperwasover，andPierre，whohadatfirstrefusedtotalkabouthiscaptivity，wasgraduallydrawnintotellingthemaboutit。
“ButitistruethatyoustayedbehindtokillNapoleon？”Natashaaskedhimwithaslightsmile。“IguessedthatatthetimewhenwemetyoubytheSuharevTower:doyouremember？”
Pierreownedthatitwasso；andfromthatquestionwasledonbyPrincessMarya’s，andstillmorebyNatasha’s，questionstogiveadetailedaccountofhisadventures。
Atfirsthetoldhisstorywiththattoneofgentleironythathealwayshadnowtowardsmenandespeciallytowardshimself。Butashecametodescribethehorrorsandsufferingshehadseen，hewasdrawnonunawares，andbegantospeakwiththesuppressedemotionofamanlivingagaininimaginationthroughtheintenseimpressionsofthepast。
PrincessMaryalookedfromPierretoNatashawithagentlesmile。InallhetoldthemshesawonlyPierreandhisgoodness。Natasha，herheadsupportedinherhand，andherfacechangingcontinuallywiththestory，watchedPierre，nevertakinghereyesoffhim，andwasinimaginationpassingthroughallhetoldherwithhim。Notonlyhereyes，butherexclamationsandthebriefquestionssheputshowedPierrethatsheunderstoodfromhiswordsjustwhathewastryingtoconveybythem。Itwasevidentthatsheunderstood，notonlywhathesaid，butalsowhathewouldhavelikedtosayandcouldnotexpressinwords。Theepisodeofthechildandofthewomaninwhosedefencehewastakenprisoner，Pierredescribedinthisway。“Itwasanawfulscene，childrenabandoned，someinthemidstofthefire…Childrenweredraggedoutbeforemyeyes…andwomen，whohadtheirthingspulledoffthem，earringstornoff…”
Pierreflushedandhesitated。“Thenapatrolcameupandallwhowerenotpillaging，allthemen，thatis，theytookprisoner。Andmewiththem。”
“Iamsureyouarenottellingusall；Iamsureyoudidsomething，”saidNatasha，andafteramoment’spause，“somethinggood。”
Pierrewentonwithhisstory。Whenhecametotheexecution，hewouldhavepassedoverthehorribledetailsofit，butNatashainsistedonhisleavingnothingout。
PierrewasbeginningtotellthemaboutKarataev；hehadrisenfromthetableandwaswalkingupanddown，Natashafollowinghimwithhereyes。
“No，”hesaid，stoppingshortinhisstory，“youcannotunderstandwhatIlearnedfromthatilliterateman—thatsimplecreature。”
“No，no，tellus，”saidNatasha。“Whereishenow？”
“Hewaskilledalmostbeforemyeyes。”
AndPierrebegantodescribethelatterpartoftheirretreat，Karataev’sillness（hisvoiceshookcontinually）andthenhisdeath。
Pierretoldthetaleofhisadventuresashehadneverthoughtofthembefore。Hesawnowasitwereanewsignificanceinallhehadbeenthrough。HeexperiencednowintellingitalltoNatashathatrarehappinessgiventomenbywomenwhentheylistentothem—notbycleverwomen，who，astheylisten，areeithertryingtorememberwhattheyaretoldtoenrichtheirintellectandonoccasiontorepeatit，ortoadaptwhatistoldthemtotheirownideasandtobringoutinhastetheclevercommentselaboratedintheirlittlementalfactory。Thisrarehappinessisgivenonlybythoserealwomen，giftedwithafacultyforpickingoutandassimilatingallthatisbestinwhatamanshowsthem。Natasha，thoughherselfunconsciousofit，wasallraptattention；shedidnotlostoneword，onequaverofthevoice，oneglance，onetwitchinginthefacialmuscles，onegestureofPierre’s。Shecaughtthewordbeforeitwasutteredandboreitstraighttoheropenheart，diviningthesecretimportofallPierre’sspiritualtravail。
PrincessMaryaunderstoodhisstoryandsympathisedwithhim，butshewasseeingnowsomethingelsethatabsorbedallherattention。ShesawthepossibilityofloveandhappinessbetweenNatashaandPierre。Andthisidea，whichstruckhernowforthefirsttime，filledherheartwithgladness。
Itwasthreeo’clockinthenight。Thefootmen，withmelancholyandseverefaces，cameinwithfreshcandles，butnoonenoticedthem。
Pierrefinishedhisstory。Withshining，eagereyesNatashastillgazedintentlyandpersistentlyathim，asthoughshelongedtounderstandsomethingmore，thatperhapshehadleftunsaid。Inshamefacedandhappyconfusion，Pierreglancedathernowandthen，andwasthinkingwhattosaynowtochangethesubject。PrincessMaryawasmute。Itdidnotstrikeanyofthemthatitwasthreeo’clockinthenight，andtimetobeinbed。
“Theysay:sufferingsaremisfortunes，”saidPierre。“Butifatonce，thisminute，Iwasasked，wouldIremainwhatIwasbeforeIwastakenprisoner，orgothroughitallagain，Ishouldsay，forGod’ssakeletmeratherbeaprisonerandeathorsefleshagain。Weimaginethatassoonaswearetornoutofourhabitualpathallisover，butitisonlythebeginningofsomethingnewandgood。Aslongasthereislife，thereishappiness。Thereisagreatdeal，agreatdealbeforeus。ThatIsaytoyou，”hesaid，turningtoNatasha。
“Yes，yes，”shesaid，answeringsomethingaltogetherdifferent，“andItoowouldaskfornothingbetterthantogothroughitallagain。”
Pierrelookedintentlyather。
“Yes，andnothingmore，”Natashadeclared。
“Nottrue，nottrue，”criedPierre。“Iamnottoblameforbeingaliveandwantingtolive；andyouthesame。”
AllatonceNatashaletherheaddropintoherhands，andburstintotears。
“Whatisit，Natasha？”saidPrincessMarya。
“Nothing，nothing。”ShesmiledthroughhertearstoPierre。“Good—night，it’sbedtime。”
Pierregotup，andtookleave。
Natasha，asshealwaysdid，wentwithPrincessMaryaintoherbedroom。TheytalkedofwhatPierrehadtoldthem。PrincessMaryadidnotgiveheropinionofPierre。Natasha，too，didnottalkofhim。
“Well，good—night，Marie，”saidNatasha。“DoyouknowIamoftenafraidthatwedon’ttalkofhim”（shemeantPrinceAndrey），“asthoughwewereafraidofdesecratingourfeelings，andsoweforgethim。”
PrincessMaryasighedheavily，andbythissighacknowledgedthejusticeofNatasha’swords；butshedidnotinwordsagreewithher。
“Isitpossibletoforget？”shesaid。
“Iwassogladtotellallaboutitto—day；itwashardandpainful，andyetIwasgladto…veryglad，”saidNatasha；“Iamsurethathereallylovedhim。ThatwaswhyItoldhim…itdidn’tmattermytellinghim？”sheaskedsuddenly，blushing。
“Pierre？Oh，no！Howgoodheis，”saidPrincessMarya。
“Doyouknow，Marie，”saidNatasha，suddenly，withamischievoussmile，suchasPrincessMaryahadnotseenforalongwhileonherface。“Hehasbecomesocleanandsmoothandfresh；asthoughhehadjustcomeoutofabath；doyouunderstand？Outofamoralbath。Isn’titso？”
“Yes，”saidPrincessMarya。“Hehasgainedagreatdeal。”
“Andhisshortjacket，andhiscroppedhair；exactlyasthoughhehadjustcomeoutofabath…papausedsometimes…”
“Icanunderstandhowhe”（PrinceAndrey）“caredfornooneelseashedidforhim，”saidPrincessMarya。
“Yes，andheissodifferentfromhim。Theysaymenarebetterfriendswhentheyareutterlydifferent。Thatmustbetrue；heisnotabitlikehiminanything，ishe？”
“Yes，andheissuchasplendidfellow。”
“Well，good—night，”answeredNatasha。Andthesamemischievoussmilelingeredalongwhileasthoughforgottenonherface。
Chapter18
FORALONGWHILEPierrecouldnotsleepthatnight。Hewalkedupanddownhisroom，atonemomentfrowningdeepinsomedifficulttrainofthought，atthenextshrugginghisshouldersandshakinghimselfandatthenextsmilingblissfully。
HethoughtofPrinceAndrey，ofNatasha，oftheirlove，andatonemomentwasjealousofherpast，andatthenextreproachedhimself，andthenforgavehimselfforthefeeling。Itwassixo’clockinthemorning，andstillhepacedtheroom。
“Well，whatisonetodo，ifthere’snoescapingit？Whatisonetodo？Itmustbetherightthing，then，”hesaidtohimself；andhurriedlyundressing，hegotintobed，happyandagitated，butfreefromdoubtandhesitation。
“Howeverstrange，howeverimpossiblesuchhappiness，Imustdoeverythingthatwemaybemanandwife，”hesaidtohimself。
SeveraldayspreviouslyPierrehadfixedonthefollowingFridayasthedateonwhichhewouldsetofftoPetersburg。WhenhewakedupnextdayitwasThursday，andSavelitchcametohimforordersaboutpackingthethingsforthejourney。
“ToPetersburg？WhatisPetersburg？WhoisinPetersburg？”heunconsciouslyasked，thoughonlyofhimself。“Yes，somelongwhileago，beforethishappened，IwasmeaningforsomereasontogotoPetersburg，”herecalled。“Whywasit？AndIshallgo，perhaps。Howkindheis，andhowattentive，howherememberseverything！”hethought，lookingatSavelitch’soldface。“Andwhatapleasantsmile！”hethought。
“Well，anddoyoustillnotwantyourfreedom，Savelitch？”askedPierre。
“WhatshouldIwantmyfreedomfor，yourexcellency？Withthelatecount—theKingdomofHeaventohim—wegotonverywell，andunderyou，wehaveneverknownanyunkindness。”
“Well，butyourchildren？”
“Mychildrentoowilldoverywell，yourexcellency；undersuchmastersonecangetonallright。”
“Well，butmyheirs？”saidPierre。“AllofasuddenIshallgetmarried…Itmighthappen，youknow，”headded，withaninvoluntarysmile。
“AndImakeboldtosay，agoodthingtoo，yourexcellency。”
“Howeasyhethinksit，”thoughtPierre。“Hedoesnotknowhowterribleitis，howperilous。Toolateortooearly…Itisterrible！”
“Whatareyourorders？Willyoubepleasedtogoto—morrow？”askedSavelitch。
“No；Iwillputitoffalittle。Iwilltellyoulater。YoumustexcusethetroubleIgiveyou，”saidPierre，andwatchingSavelitch’ssmile，hethoughthowstrangeitwas，though，thatheshouldnotknowtherewasnosuchthingasPetersburg，andthatthatmustbesettledbeforeeverything。
“Hereallydoesknow，though，”hethought；“heisonlypretending。ShallItellhim？Whatdoeshethinkaboutit？No，anothertime。”
Atbreakfast，PierretoldhiscousinthathehadbeenthepreviouseveningatPrincessMarya’s，andhadfoundthere—couldshefancywhom—NatashaRostov。
TheprincesslookedasthoughshesawnothingmoreextraordinaryinthatfactthanifPierrehadseensomeAnnaSemyonovna。
“Youknowher？”askedPierre。
“Ihaveseentheprincess，”sheanswered，“andIhadheardtheyweremakingamatchbetweenherandyoungRostov。ThatwouldbeaveryfinethingfortheRostovs；Iamtoldtheyareutterlyruined。”
“No，Imeant，doyouknowNatashaRostov？”
“Iheardatthetimeallaboutthatstory。Verysad。”
“Shedoesnotunderstand，orsheispretending，”thoughtPierre。“Betternottellhereither。”
Theprincess，too，hadpreparedprovisionsforPierre’sjourney。
“Howkindtheyallare，”thoughtPierre，“totroubleaboutallthisnow，whenitcertainlycanbeofnointeresttothem。Andallformysake；thatiswhat’ssomarvellous。”
ThesamedayapoliceofficercametoseePierre，withanoffertosendatrustyagenttothePolygonalPalacetoreceivethethingsthatwereto—daytoberestoredamongtheowners。
“Andthismantoo，”thoughtPierre，lookingintothepoliceofficer’sface，“whatanice，good—lookingofficer，andhowgood—natured！Totroubleaboutsuchtriflesnow。Andyettheysayheisnothonest，andtakesbribes。Whatnonsense！thoughafterallwhyshouldn’thetakebribes？Hehasbeenbroughtupinthatway。Theyalldoit。Butsuchapleasant，good—humouredface，andhesmileswhenhelooksatme。”
PierrewenttoPrincessMarya’stodinner。Ashedrovethroughthestreetsbetweenthecharredwrecksofhouses，headmiredthebeautyofthoseruins。Thechimneysofstoves，andthetumbledownwallsofhousesstretchedinlongrows，hidingoneanother，allthroughtheburntquartersofthetown，andrecalledtohimthepicturesqueruinsoftheRhineandoftheColosseum。Thesledge—driversandmenonhorseback，thecarpentersatworkontheframesofthehouses，thehawkersandshopkeepersalllookedatPierrewithcheerful，beamingfaces，andseemedtohimtosay:“Oh，hereheis！Weshallseewhatcomesofit。”
OnreachingPrincessMarya’shouse，Pierrewasbesetbyasuddendoubtwhetheritweretruethathehadbeentherethedaybefore，andhadreallyseenNatashaandtalkedtoher。“Perhapsitwasallmyowninvention，perhapsIshallgoinandseenoone。”Butnosoonerhadheenteredtheroomthaninhiswholebeing，fromhisinstantaneouslossoffreedom，hewasawareofherpresence。Shewaswearingthesameblackdress，thathunginsoftfolds，andhadherhairarrangedinthesameway，butshewasutterlydifferent。Hadshelookedlikethiswhenhecameinyesterday，hecouldnothavefailedtorecogniseher。
Shewasjustashehadknownheralmostasachild，andlaterwhenbetrothedtoPrinceAndrey。Abright，questioninglightgleamedinhereyes；therewasafriendlyandstrangelymischievousexpressioninherface。
Pierredined，andwouldhavespentthewholeeveningwiththem；butPrincessMaryawasgoingtovespers，andPierrewentwiththem。
NextdayPierrearrivedearly，dinedwiththem，andstayedthewholeevening。AlthoughPrincessMaryaandNatashawereobviouslygladtoseetheirvisitor，andalthoughthewholeinterestofPierre’slifewasnowcentredinthathouse，bytheeveningtheyhadsaidalltheyhadtosay，andtheconversationpassedcontinuallyfromonetrivialsubjecttoanotherandoftenbrokeoffaltogether。PierrestayedsolatethateveningthatPrincessMaryaandNatashaexchangedglances，plainlywonderingwhetherhewouldnotsoongo。Pierresawthat，buthecouldnotgoaway。Hebegantofeelitirksomeandawkward，butstillhesatonbecausehecouldnotgetupandgo。
PrincessMarya，foreseeingnoendtoit，wasthefirsttogetup，andcomplainingofasickheadache，shebegansayinggood—night。
“Soyouaregoingto—morrowtoPetersburg？”shesaid。
“No，Iamnotgoing，”saidPierrehurriedly，withsurpriseandasortofresentmentinhistone。“No…yes，toPetersburg。To—morrow，perhaps；butIwon’tsaygood—bye。Ishallcometoseeifyouhaveanycommissionstogiveme，”headded，standingbeforePrincessMarya，turningveryred，andnottakingleave。
Natashagavehimherhandandretired。PrincessMarya，onthecontrary，insteadofgoingaway，sankintoanarmchair，andwithherluminous，deepeyeslookedsternlyandintentlyatPierre。Thewearinessshehadunmistakablybetrayedjustbeforehadnowquitepassedoff。Shedrewadeep，prolongedsigh，asthoughpreparingforalongconversation。
AssoonasNatashahadgone，allPierre’sconfusionandawkwardnessinstantlyvanished，andwerereplacedbyexcitedeagerness。
HerapidlymovedachaircloseuptoPrincessMarya。“Yes，Iwantedtotellyou，”hesaid，replyingtoherlookasthoughtowords。“Princess，helpme。WhatamItodo？CanIhope？Princess，mydearfriend，listentome。Iknowallaboutit。IknowIamnotworthyofher；Iknowthatitisimpossibletotalkofitnow。ButIwanttobeabrothertoher。No，notthat，Idon’t，Ican’t…”Hepausedandpassedhishandsoverhisfaceandeyes。“It’slikethis，”hewenton，makinganevidentefforttospeakcoherently。“Idon’tknowsincewhenIhavelovedher。ButIhavelovedheralone，onlyher，allmylife，andIlovehersothatIcannotimaginelifewithouther。Icannotbringmyselftoaskforherhandnow；butthethoughtthat，perhaps，shemightbemywifeandmylettingslipthisopportunity…opportunity…isawful。Tellme，canIhope？Tellme，whatamItodo？Dearprincess，”hesaid，afterabriefpause，touchingherhandasshedidnotanswer。
“Iamthinkingofwhatyouhavejusttoldme，”answeredPrincessMarya。“ThisiswhatIthink。Youarerightthattospeaktoheroflovenow…”Theprincesspaused。Shehadmeanttosaythattospeaktoheroflovenowwasimpossible；butshestopped，becauseshehadseenduringthelastthreedaysbythesuddenchangeinNatashathatshewouldbynomeansbeoffendedifPierreweretoavowhislove，that，infact，itwastheonethingshedesired。
“Tospeaktohernow…isoutofthequestion，”sheneverthelesssaid。
“ButwhatamItodo？”
“Trustthemattertome，”saidPrincessMarya。“Iknow…”
Pierrelookedintohereyes。“Well，well…”hesaid。
“Iknowthatsheloves…thatshewillloveyou，”PrincessMaryacorrectedherself。
Shehadhardlyutteredthewords，whenPierreleapedup，andwithafaceofconsternationclutchedatPrincessMarya’shand。
“Whatmakesyouthinkso？YouthinkImayhope？Youthinkso？…”
“Yes，Ithinkso，”saidPrincessMarya，smiling。“Writetoherparents。Andleaveittome。Iwilltellherwhenitispossible。Idesireittocometopass。AndIhaveafeelinginmyheartthatitwillbeso。”
“No，itcannotbe！HowhappyIam！Butitcannotbe！…HowhappyIam！No，itcannotbe！”Pierrekeptsaying，kissingPrincessMarya’shands。
“YoushouldgotoPetersburg；itwillbebetter。AndIwillwritetoyou，”shesaid。
“ToPetersburg？Iamtogo？Yes，verywell，Iwillgo。ButIcancomeandseeyouto—morrow？”
NextdayPierrecametosaygood—bye。Natashawaslessanimatedthanontheprecedingdays；butsometimesthatday，lookingintohereyes，Pierrefeltthathewasvanishingaway，thatheandshewerenomore，thattherewasnothingbuthappiness。“Isitpossible？No，itcannotbe，”hesaidtohimselfateveryglanceshegave，everygesture，everyword，thatfilledhissoulwithgladness。
When，onsayinggood—bye，hetookherthin，delicatehandheunconsciouslyhelditsomewhatlongerinhisown。
“Isitpossiblethatthathand，thatface，thoseeyes，allthattreasureofwomanlycharm，sofarremovedfromme，isitpossibleitmayallonedaybemyownforever，ascloseandintimateasIamtomyself？No，it’ssurelyimpossible？…”
“Good—bye，count，”shesaidtohimaloud。“Ishallsolookforwardtoseeingyouagain，”sheaddedinawhisper。
Andthosesimplewords，andthelookintheeyesandtheface，thataccompaniedthem，formedthesubjectofinexhaustiblereminiscences，interpretations，andhappydreamsforPierreduringtwowholemonths。“Ishalllookforwardtoseeingyouagain。”“Yes，yes，howdidshesayit？Yes。‘Ishallsolookforwardtoseeingyouagain。’Oh，howhappyIam！HowcanitbethatIamsohappy！”Pierresaidtohimself。
Chapter19
THEREwasnothinginPierre’ssoulnowlikewhathadpassedwithinhiminsimilarcircumstancesduringthetimeofhisbeingbetrothedtoEllen。
Hedidnotgoover，ashehadthen，withasickeningsenseofshamethewordshehaduttered；hedidnotsaytohimself:“Oh，whydidInotsaythat，andwhy，ohwhy，didIsaythen:Iloveyou。”Now，onthecontrary，everywordofhersandofhisown，hewentoverinhisimaginationwitheverydetailoflookandsmile，andwantedtoaddnothing，totakenothingaway，helongedonlytohearitoveragain。Asfordoubts—whetherwhathecontemplateddoingwasrightorwrong—therewasneveratraceofthemnow。Onlyoneterribledoubtsometimesassailedhismind。Wasitnotalladream？WasnotPrincessMaryamistaken？AmInottooconceitedandself—confident？Ibelieveinit；butallatonce—andit’swhatissuretohappen—PrincessMaryatellsher；andshesmilesandanswers:“Howqueer！Hehascertainlymadeamistake。Doesn’theknowthatheisaman，amereman，whileI？…Iamsomethingaltogetherdifferent，higher。”
ThisdoubtaloneoftenbesetPierre。Hemadenoplansofanysortnow。Thehappinessbeforehimseemedtohimsoincrediblethattheonlythingthatmatteredwastobringittopass，andnothingcouldbebeyond。Everythingelsewasover。
Ajoyful，unexpectedfrenzy，ofwhichPierrehadbelievedhimselfincapable，seizeduponhim。Thewholemeaningoflife，notforhimonly，butforalltheworld，seemedtohimcentredinhisloveandthepossibilityofherlovinghim。Sometimesallmenseemedtohimtobeabsorbedinnothingelsethanhisfuturehappiness。Itseemedtohimsometimesthattheywereallrejoicingashewashimself，andwereonlytryingtoconcealthatjoy，bypretendingtobeoccupiedwithotherinterests。Ineverywordandgesturehesawanallusiontohishappiness。Heoftensurprisedpeoplebyhissignificantandblissfullooksandsmiles，thatseemedtoexpresssomesecretunderstandingwiththem。Butwhenherealisedthatpeoplecouldnotknowofhishappiness，hepitiedthemfromthebottomofhisheart，andfeltanimpulsetotrytomakethemsomehowunderstandthatallthattheywereinterestedinwasutternonsenseandtriflesnotdeservingofattention。
Whensuggestionsweremadetohimthatheshouldtakeofficeundergovernment，orwhencriticismsofanysortongeneral，politicalquestions，oronthewar，weremadebeforehim，onthesuppositionthatonecourseofeventsoranotherwouldaffectthehappinessofallmen，helistenedwithagentlesmileofcommiseration，andastoundedthepersonsconversingwithhimbyhisstrangeobservations。Butboththosepersons，whoseemedtoPierretograspthetruesignificanceoflife，thatis，hisfeeling，andthoselucklesswretcheswhoobviouslyhadnonotionofit—allatthisperiodappearedtoPierreintheradiantlightofhisownglowingfeeling；sothatonmeetinganyone，hesawinhimwithouttheslightestefforteverythingthatwasgoodanddeservingoflove。
Ashelookedthroughhisdeadwife’spapersandbelongings，hehadnofeelingtowardshermemorybutoneofpitythatshehadnotknownthehappinessheknewnow。PrinceVassily，whowasparticularlyhaughtyjustthen，havingreceivedanewpostandastar，struckhimasapatheticandkind—heartedoldman，verymuchtobepitied。
OftenafterwardsPierrerecalledthattimeofhappyinsanity。Allthejudgmentsheformedofmenandcircumstancesduringthatperiodremainedforevertruetohim。Farfromrenouncinglateronthoseviewsofmenandthings，onthecontrary，ininnerdoubtsandcontradictions，heflewbacktotheviewhehadhadduringthattimeofmadness；andthatviewalwaysturnedouttobeatrueone。
“Perhaps，”hethought，“Ididseemstrangeandabsurdthen；butIwasnotsomadthenasIseemed。Onthecontrary，Iwasclevererandhadmoreinsightthenthanatanytime，andIunderstoodeverythingworthunderstandinginlife，because…Iwashappy。”
Pierre’smadnessshoweditselfinhisnotwaiting，asinolddays，forthosepersonalgrounds，whichhehadcalledgoodqualitiesinpeople，inordertolovethem；butaslovewasbrimmingoverinhishearthelovedmenwithoutcause，andsoneverfailedtodiscoverincontestablereasonsthatmadethemworthloving。
Chapter20
FROMTHATFIRSTEVENING，whenNatashahadsaidtoPrincessMarya，withagailymockingsmile，thathelookedexactly，yes，exactly，asifhehadcomeoutofabathwithhisshortjacketandhiscroppedhair—fromthatminutesomethinghiddenandunrecognisedbyherself，yetirresistible，awakenedinNatasha’ssoul。
Everything—face，gait，eyes，voice—everythingwasatoncetransformedinher。Toherownsurprise，theforceoflifeandhopesofhappinessfloatedtothesurfaceanddemandedsatisfaction。FromthatfirsteveningNatashaseemedtohaveforgottenallthathadhappenedtoher。Fromthattimesheneveroncecomplainedofherposition；shesaidnotonewordaboutthepast，andwasnotafraidofalreadymakinglight—heartedplansforthefuture。ShespokelittleofPierre；butwhenPrincessMaryamentionedhim，alightthathadlongbeendimgleamedinhereyes，andherlipscurvedinastrangesmile。
ThechangethattookplaceinNatashaatfirstsurprisedPrincessMarya；butwhensheunderstoodwhatitmeant，thatchangemortifiedher。“Canshehavelovedmybrothersolittlethatshecansosoonforgethim？”thoughtPrincessMarya，whenshethoughtoveritalone。ButwhenshewaswithNatashashewasnotvexedwithher，anddidnotblameher。TheawakenedforceoflifethathadregainedpossessionofNatashawasobviouslysoirresistibleandsounexpectedbyherself，thatinNatasha’spresencePrincessMaryafeltthatshehadnorighttoblamehereveninherheart。
Natashagaveherselfupwithsuchcompletenessandsinceritytohernewfeelingthatshedidnotevenattempttoconcealthatshewasnotnowsorrowful，butgladandhappy。
WhenPrincessMaryahadreturnedtoherroomthatnightafterherinterviewwithPierre，Natashametheronthethreshold。
“Hehasspoken？Yes？Hehasspoken？”sherepeated。Andajoyful，andatthesametimepiteous，expression，thatbeggedforgivenessforitsjoy，wasinNatasha’sface。“Iwantedtolistenatthedoor；butIknewyouwouldtellme。”
ReadyasPrincessMaryawastounderstandandtobetouchedbytheexpressionwithwhichNatashalookedather，andmuchasshefeltforheragitation，yetherwordsforthefirstmomentmortifiedher。Shethoughtofherbrotherandhislove。
“Butwhatisonetodo？Shecannothelpit，”thoughtPrincessMarya；andwithasadandsomewhatseverefacesherepeatedtoNatashaallPierrehadsaidtoher。NatashawasstupefiedtohearhewasgoingtoPetersburg。“ToPetersburg！”sherepeated，asthoughunabletotakeitin。
ButlookingatthemournfulexpressionofPrincessMarya’sfaceshedivinedthecauseofhersadness，andsuddenlyburstintotears。
“Marie，”shesaid，“tellmewhatIamtodo。Iamafraidofbeinghorrid。Whateveryousay，Iwilldo；tellme…”
“Youlovehim？”
“Yes！”whisperedNatasha。
“Whatareyoucryingfor，then？Iamverygladforyou，”saidPrincessMarya，movedbythosetearstocompleteforgivenessofNatasha’sjoy。
“Itwillnotbesoon…someday。OnlythinkhowhappyitwillbewhenIamhiswifeandyoumarryNikolay！”
“Natasha，Ihavebeggedyounottospeakofthat。Letustalkofyou。”
Bothweresilent。
“OnlywhygotoPetersburg？”criedNatashasuddenly，andshehastenedtoanswerherself。“No，no；itmustbeso…Yes，Marie？Itmustbe…”