“YouCAN’T？”saysMr。Cuff，layingholdofthatdocumentinwhichmanywordswerescratchedout，manyweremis-spelt，onwhichhadbeenspentIdon’tknowhowmuchthought，andlabour，andtears；forthepoorfellowwaswritingtohismother，whowasfondofhim，althoughshewasagrocer’swife，andlivedinabackparlourinThamesStreet。”YouCAN’T？”saysMr。Cuff：
　　“Ishouldliketoknowwhy，pray？Can’tyouwritetooldMotherFigsto-morrow？”
　　“Don’tcallnames。”Dobbinsaid，gettingoffthebenchverynervous。
　　“Well，sir，willyougo？”crowedthecockoftheschool。
　　“Putdowntheletter。”Dobbinreplied；“nogentlemanreadthletterth。”
　　“Well，NOWwillyougo？”saystheother。
　　“No，Iwon’t。Don’tstrike，orI’llTHMASHyou。”roarsoutDobbin，springingtoaleadeninkstand，andlookingsowicked，thatMr。Cuffpaused，turneddownhiscoatsleevesagain，puthishandsintohispockets，andwalkedawaywithasneer。Buthenevermeddled。personallywiththegrocer’sboyafterthat；thoughwemustdohimthejusticetosayhealwaysspokeofMr。Dobbinwithcon-
　　temptbehindhisback。
　　Sometimeafterthisinterview，ithappenedthatMr。
　　Cuff，onasunshinyafternoon，wasintheneighbourhoodofpoorWilliamDobbin，whowaslyingunderatreeintheplayground，spellingoverafavouritecopyoftheArabianNightswhichhehadapartfromtherestoftheschool，whowerepursuingtheirvarioussports——quitelonely，andalmosthappy。Ifpeoplewouldbutleavechildrentothemselves；ifteacherswouldceasetobullythem；ifparentswouldnotinsistupondirectingtheirthoughts，anddominatingtheirfeelings——thosefeelingsandthoughtswhichareamysterytoallforhowmuchdoyouandIknowofeachother，ofourchildren，ofourfathers，ofourneighbour，andhowfarmorebeautifulandsacredarethethoughtsofthepoorladorgirlwhomyougovernlikelytobe，thanthoseofthedullandworld-
　　corruptedpersonwhoruleshim？——if，Isay，parentsandmasterswouldleavetheirchildrenalonealittlemore，smallharmwouldaccrue，althoughalessquantityofasinpraesentimightbeacquired。
　　Well，WilliamDobbinhadforonceforgottentheworld，andwasawaywithSindbadtheSailorintheValleyofDiamonds，orwithPrinceAhmedandtheFairyPeribanouinthatdelightfulcavernwherethePrincefoundher，andwhitherweshouldallliketomakeatour；whenshrillcries，asofalittlefellowweeping，wokeuphispleasantreverie；andlookingup，hesawCuffbeforehim，belabouringalittleboy。
　　Itwastheladwhohadpeacheduponhimaboutthegrocer’scart；butheborelittlemalice，notatleasttowardstheyoungandsmall。”Howdareyou，sir，breakthebottle？”saysCufftothelittleurchin，swingingayellowcricket-stumpoverhim。
　　Theboyhadbeeninstructedtogetovertheplaygroundwallataselectedspotwherethebrokenglasshadbeenremovedfromthetop，andnichesmadeconvenientinthebrick；torunaquarterofamile；topurchaseapintofrum-shruboncredit；tobravealltheDoctor’soutlyingspies，andtoclamberbackintotheplaygroundagain；
　　duringtheperformanceofwhichfeat，hisfoothadslipt，andthebottlewasbroken，andtheshrubhadbeenspilt，andhispantaloonshadbeendamaged，andheappearedbeforehisemployeraperfectlyguiltyandtrembling，thoughharmless，wretch。
　　“Howdareyou，sir，breakit？”saysCuff；“youblunderinglittlethief。Youdranktheshrub，andnowyoupretendtohavebrokenthebottle。Holdoutyourhand，sir。”
　　Downcamethestumpwithagreatheavythumponthechild’shand。Amoanfollowed。Dobbinlookedup。
　　TheFairyPeribanouhadfledintotheinmostcavernwithPrinceAhmed：theRochadwhiskedawaySindbadtheSailoroutoftheValleyofDiamondsoutofsight，farintotheclouds：andtherewaseverydaylifebeforehonestWilliam；andabigboybeatingalittleonewithoutcause。
　　“Holdoutyourotherhand，sir。”roarsCufftohislittleschoolfellow，whosefacewasdistortedwithpain。
　　Dobbinquivered，andgatheredhimselfupinhisnarrowoldclothes。
　　“Takethat，youlittledevil！”criedMr。Cuff，anddowncamethewicketagainonthechild’shand——Don’tbehorrified，ladies，everyboyatapublicschoolhasdoneit。
　　Yourchildrenwillsodoandbedoneby，inallprobability。Downcamethewicketagain；andDobbinstartedup。
　　Ican’ttellwhathismotivewas。TortureinapublicschoolisasmuchlicensedastheknoutinRussia。Itwouldbeungentlemanlikeinamannertoresistit。
　　PerhapsDobbin’sfoolishsoulrevoltedagainstthatexerciseoftyranny；orperhapshehadahankeringfeelingofrevengeinhismind，andlongedtomeasurehimselfagainstthatsplendidbullyandtyrant，whohadalltheglory，pride，pomp，circumstance，bannersflying，drumsbeating，guardssaluting，intheplace。Whatevermayhavebeenhisincentive，however，uphesprang，andscreamedout，“Holdoff，Cuff；don’tbullythatchildanymore；orI’ll——“
　　“Oryou’llwhat？”Cuffaskedinamazementatthisinterruption。”Holdoutyourhand，youlittlebeast。”
　　“I’llgiveyoutheworstthrashingyoueverhadinyourlife。”Dobbinsaid，inreplytothefirstpartofCuff’ssentence；andlittleOsborne，gaspingandintears，lookedupwithwonderandincredulityatseeingthisamazingchampionputupsuddenlytodefendhim：whileCuff’sastonishmentwasscarcelyless。FancyourlatemonarchGeorgeIIIwhenheheardoftherevoltoftheNorthAmericancolonies：fancybrazenGoliathwhenlittleDavidsteppedforwardandclaimedameeting；andyouhavethefeelingsofMr。ReginaldCuffwhenthisrencontrewasproposedtohim。
　　“Afterschool。”sayshe，ofcourse；afterapauseandalook，asmuchastosay，“Makeyourwill，andcommunicateyourlastwishestoyourfriendsbetweenthistimeandthat。”
　　“Asyouplease。”Dobbinsaid。”Youmustbemybottleholder，Osborne。”
　　“Well，ifyoulike。”littleOsbornereplied；foryouseehispapakeptacarriage，andhewasratherashamedofhischampion。
　　Yes，whenthehourofbattlecame，hewasalmostashamedtosay，“Goit，Figs“；andnotasingleotherboyintheplaceutteredthatcryforthefirsttwoorthreeroundsofthisfamouscombat；atthecommencementofwhichthescientificCuff，withacontemptuoussmileonhisface，andaslightandasgayasifhewasataball，plantedhisblowsuponhisadversary，andflooredthatunluckychampionthreetimesrunning。Ateachfalltherewasacheer；andeverybodywasanxioustohavethehonourofofferingtheconqueroraknee。
　　“WhatalickingIshallgetwhenit’sover。”youngOsbornethought，pickinguphisman。”You’dbestgivein。”
　　hesaidtoDobbin；“it’sonlyathrashing，Figs，andyouknowI’musedtoit。”ButFigs，allwhoselimbswereinaquiver，andwhosenostrilswerebreathingrage，puthislittlebottle-holderaside，andwentinforafourthtime。
　　Ashedidnotintheleastknowhowtoparrytheblowsthatwereaimedathimself，andCuffhadbeguntheattackonthethreeprecedingoccasions，withouteverallowinghisenemytostrike，Figsnowdeterminedthathewouldcommencetheengagementbyachargeonhisownpart；andaccordingly，beingaleft-handedman，broughtthatarmintoaction，andhitoutacoupleoftimeswithallhismight——onceatMr。Cuff’slefteye，andonceonhisbeautifulRomannose。
　　Cuffwentdownthistime，totheastonishmentoftheassembly。”Wellhit，byJove。”sayslittleOsborne，withtheairofaconnoisseur，clappinghismanontheback。
　　“Giveithimwiththeleft，Figsmyboy。”
　　Figs’sleftmadeterrificplayduringalltherestofthecombat。Cuffwentdowneverytime。Atthesixthround，therewerealmostasmanyfellowsshoutingout，“Goit，Figs。”astherewereyouthsexclaiming，“Goit，Cuff。”Atthetwelfthroundthelatterchampionwasallabroad，asthesayingis，andhadlostallpresenceofmindandpowerofattackordefence。Figs，onthecontrary，wasascalmasaquaker。Hisfacebeingquitepale，hiseyesshiningopen，andagreatcutonhisunderlipbleedingprofusely，gavethisyoungfellowafierceandghastlyair，whichperhapsstruckterrorintomanyspectators。Nevertheless，hisintrepidadversarypreparedtocloseforthethirteenthtime。
　　IfIhadthepenofaNapier，oraBell’sLife，Ishouldliketodescribethiscombatproperly。ItwasthelastchargeoftheGuard——thatis，itwouldhavebeen，onlyWaterloohadnotyettakenplace——itwasNey’scolumnbreastingthehillofLaHayeSainte，bristlingwithtenthousandbayonets，andcrownedwithtwentyeagles——itwastheshoutofthebeef-eatingBritish，asleapingdownthehilltheyrushedtohugtheenemyinthesavagearmsofbattle——inotherwords，Cuffcomingupfullofpluck，butquitereelingandgroggy，theFig-merchantputinhisleftasusualonhisadversary’snose，andsenthimdownforthelasttime。
　　“Ithinkthatwilldoforhim。”Figssaid，ashisopponentdroppedasneatlyonthegreenasIhaveseenJackSpot’sballplumpintothepocketatbilliards；andthefactis，whentimewascalled，Mr。ReginaldCuffwasnotable，ordidnotchoose，tostandupagain。
　　AndnowalltheboyssetupsuchashoutforFigsaswouldhavemadeyouthinkhehadbeentheirdarlingchampionthroughthewholebattle；andasabsolutelybroughtDr。Swishtailoutofhisstudy，curioustoknowthecauseoftheuproar。HethreatenedtoflogFigsviolently，ofcourse；butCuff，whohadcometohimselfbythistime，andwaswashinghiswounds，stoodupandsaid，“It’smyfault，sir——notFigs’——notDobbin’s。Iwasbullyingalittleboy；andheservedmeright。”Bywhichmagnanimousspeechhenotonlysavedhisconquerorawhipping，butgotbackallhisascendancyovertheboyswhichhisdefeathadnearlycosthim。
　　YoungOsbornewrotehometohisparentsanaccountofthetransaction。
　　SugarcaneHouse，Richmond，March，18——
　　DEARMAMA，——Ihopeyouarequitewell。Ishouldbemuchobligedtoyoutosendmeacakeandfiveshillings。
　　TherehasbeenafightherebetweenCuff&Dobbin。
　　Cuff，youknow，wastheCockoftheSchool。Theyfoughtthirteenrounds，andDobbinLicked。SoCuffisnowOnlySecondCock。Thefightwasaboutme。Cuffwaslickingmeforbreakingabottleofmilk，andFigswouldn’tstandit。WecallhimFigsbecausehisfatherisaGrocer——Figs&Rudge，ThamesSt。，City——IthinkashefoughtformeyououghttobuyyourTea&Sugarathisfather’s。CuffgoeshomeeverySaturday，butcan’tthis，becausehehas2BlackEyes。HehasawhitePonytocomeandfetchhim，andagroominliveryonabaymare。IwishmyPapawouldletmehaveaPony，andI
　　amYourdutifulSon，GEORGESEDLEYOSBORNE
　　P。S——GivemylovetolittleEmmy。IamcuttingheroutaCoachincardboard。Pleasenotaseed-cake，butaplum-cake。
　　InconsequenceofDobbin’svictory，hischaracterroseprodigiouslyintheestimationofallhisschoolfellows，andthenameofFigs，whichhadbeenabywordofreproach，becameasrespectableandpopularanicknameasanyotherinuseintheschool。”Afterall，it’snothisfaultthathisfather’sagrocer。”GeorgeOsbornesaid，who，thoughalittlechap，hadaveryhighpopularityamongtheSwishtailyouth；andhisopinionwasreceivedwithgreatapplause。ItwasvotedlowtosneeratDobbinaboutthisaccidentofbirth。”OldFigs“grewtobeanameofkindnessandendearment；andthesneakofanusherjeeredathimnolonger。
　　AndDobbin’sspiritrosewithhisalteredcircumstances。
　　Hemadewonderfuladvancesinscholasticlearning。ThesuperbCuffhimself，atwhosecondescensionDobbincouldonlyblushandwonder，helpedhimonwithhisLatinverses；“coached“himinplay-hours：carriedhimtriumphantlyoutofthelittle-boyclassintothemiddle-
　　sizedform；andeventheregotafairplaceforhim。Itwasdiscovered，thatalthoughdullatclassicallearning，atmathematicshewasuncommonlyquick。Tothecontentmentofallhepassedthirdinalgebra，andgotaFrenchprize-bookatthepublicMidsummerexamination。
　　Youshouldhaveseenhismother’sfacewhenTelemaquethatdeliciousromancewaspresentedtohimbytheDoctorinthefaceofthewholeschoolandtheparentsandcompany，withaninscriptiontoGulielmoDobbin。Alltheboysclappedhandsintokenofapplauseandsympathy。Hisblushes，hisstumbles，hisawkwardness，andthenumberoffeetwhichhecrushedashewentbacktohisplace，whoshalldescribeorcalculate？OldDobbin，hisfather，whonowrespectedhimforthefirsttime，gavehimtwoguineaspublicly；mostofwhichhespentinageneraltuck-outfortheschool：andhecamebackinatail-coataftertheholidays。