MissCrawley，beitknown，didnotleaveherroomuntilnearnoon——takingchocolateinbedinthemorning，whileBeckySharpreadtheMorningPosttoher，orotherwiseamusingherselfordawdling。Theconspiratorsbelowagreedthattheywouldsparethedearlady’sfeelingsuntilsheappearedinherdrawing-room：meanwhileitwasannouncedtoherthatMrs。ButeCrawleyhadcomeupfromHampshirebythemail，wasstayingattheGloster，sentherlovetoMissCrawley，andaskedforbreakfastwithMissBriggs。ThearrivalofMrs。Bute，whichwouldnothavecausedanyextremedelightatanotherperiod，washailedwithpleasurenow；MissCrawleybeingpleasedatthenotionofagossipwithhersister-in-lawregardingthelateLadyCrawley，thefuneralarrangementspending，andSirPitt’sabruptproposaltoRebecca。
　　Itwasnotuntiltheoldladywasfairlyensconcedinherusualarm-chairinthedrawing-room，andthepreliminaryembracesandinquirieshadtakenplacebetweentheladies，thattheconspiratorsthoughtitadvisabletosubmithertotheoperation。Whohasnotadmiredtheartificesanddelicateapproacheswithwhichwomen“prepare“theirfriendsforbadnews？MissCrawley’stwofriendsmadesuchanapparatusofmysterybeforetheybroketheintelligencetoher，thattheyworkedheruptothenecessarydegreeofdoubtandalarm。
　　“AndsherefusedSirPitt，mydear，dearMissCrawley，prepareyourselfforit。”Mrs。Butesaid，“because——
　　becauseshecouldn’thelpherself。”
　　“Ofcoursetherewasareason。”MissCrawleyanswered。
　　“Shelikedsomebodyelse。ItoldBriggssoyesterday。”
　　“LIKESsomebodyelse！”Briggsgasped。”Omydearfriend，sheismarriedalready。”
　　“Marriedalready。”Mrs。Butechimedin；andbothsatewithclaspedhandslookingfromeachotherattheirvictim。
　　“Sendhertome，theinstantshecomesin。Thelittleslywretch：howdaredshenottellme？”criedoutMissCrawley。
　　“Shewon’tcomeinsoon。Prepareyourself，dearfriend——she’sgoneoutforalongtime——she’s——she’sgonealtogether。”
　　“Graciousgoodness，andwho’stomakemychocolate？
　　Sendforherandhaveherback；Idesirethatshecomeback。”theoldladysaid。
　　“Shedecampedlastnight，Ma’am。”criedMrs。Bute。
　　“Sheleftaletterforme。”Briggsexclaimed。”She’smarriedto——“
　　“Prepareher，forheaven’ssake。Don’ttortureher，mydearMissBriggs。”
　　“She’smarriedtowhom？”criesthespinsterinanervousfury。
　　“To——toarelationof——“
　　“SherefusedSirPitt。”criedthevictim。”Speakatonce。
　　Don’tdrivememad。”
　　“OMa’am——prepareher，MissBriggs——she’smarriedtoRawdonCrawley。”
　　“RawdonmarriedRebecca——governess——nobod——
　　Getoutofmyhouse，youfool，youidiot——youstupidoldBriggshowdareyou？You’reintheplot——youmadehimmarry，thinkingthatI’dleavemymoneyfromhim——
　　youdid，Martha。”thepooroldladyscreamedinhystericsentences。
　　“I，Ma’am，askamemberofthisfamilytomarryadrawing-master’sdaughter？”
　　“HermotherwasaMontmorency。”criedouttheoldlady，pullingatthebellwithallhermight。
　　“Hermotherwasanoperagirl，andshehasbeenonthestageorworseherself。”saidMrs。Bute。
　　MissCrawleygaveafinalscream，andfellbackinafaint。Theywereforcedtotakeherbacktotheroomwhichshehadjustquitted。Onefitofhystericssucceededanother。Thedoctorwassentfor——theapothecaryarrived。
　　Mrs。Butetookupthepostofnursebyherbedside。”Herrelationsoughttoberoundabouther。”thatamiablewomansaid。
　　Shehadscarcelybeencarrieduptoherroom，whenanewpersonarrivedtowhomitwasalsonecessarytobreakthenews。ThiswasSirPitt。”Where’sBecky？”hesaid，comingin。”Where’shertraps？She’scomingwithmetoQueen’sCrawley。”
　　“Haveyounotheardtheastonishingintelligenceregardinghersurreptitiousunion？”Briggsasked。
　　“What’sthattome？”SirPittasked。”Iknowshe’smarried。Thatmakesnoodds。Tellhertocomedownatonce，andnotkeepme。”
　　“Areyounotaware，sir。”MissBriggsasked，“thatshehasleftourroof，tothedismayofMissCrawley，whoisnearlykilledbytheintelligenceofCaptainRawdon’sunionwithher？”
　　WhenSirPittCrawleyheardthatRebeccawasmarriedtohisson，hebrokeoutintoafuryoflanguage，whichitwoulddonogoodtorepeatinthisplace，asindeeditsentpoorBriggsshudderingoutoftheroom；andwithherwewillshutthedooruponthefigureofthefrenziedoldman，wildwithhatredandinsanewithbaffleddesire。
　　OnedayafterhewenttoQueen’sCrawley，heburstlikeamadmanintotheroomshehadusedwhenthere——dashedopenherboxeswithhisfoot，andflungaboutherpapers，clothes，andotherrelics。MissHorrocks，thebutler’sdaughter，tooksomeofthem。Thechildrendressedthemselvesandactedplaysintheothers。Itwasbutafewdaysafterthepoormotherhadgonetoherlonelyburying-place；andwaslaid，unweptanddisregarded，inavaultfullofstrangers。
　　“Supposetheoldladydoesn’tcometo。”Rawdonsaidtohislittlewife，astheysatetogetherinthesnuglittleBromptonlodgings。Shehadbeentryingthenewpianoallthemorning。Thenewglovesfittedhertoanicety；thenewshawlsbecameherwonderfully；thenewringsglitteredonherlittlehands，andthenewwatchtickedatherwaist；“supposeshedon’tcomeround，eh，Becky？”
　　“I’LLmakeyourfortune。”shesaid；andDelilahpattedSamson’scheek。
　　“Youcandoanything。”hesaid，kissingthelittlehand。
　　“ByJoveyoucan；andwe’lldrivedowntotheStarandGarter，anddine，byJove。”
　　HowCaptainDobbinBoughtaPianoIfthereisanyexhibitioninallVanityFairwhichSatireandSentimentcanvisitarminarmtogether；whereyoulightonthestrangestcontrastslaughableandtearful：
　　whereyoumaybegentleandpathetic，orsavageandcynicalwithperfectpropriety：itisatoneofthosepublicassemblies，acrowdofwhichareadvertisedeverydayinthelastpageoftheTimesnewspaper，andoverwhichthelateMr。GeorgeRobinsusedtopresidewithsomuchdignity。ThereareveryfewLondonpeople，asIfancy，whohavenotattendedatthesemeetings，andallwithatasteformoralizingmusthavethought，withasensationandinterestnotalittlestartlingandqueer，ofthedaywhentheirturnshallcometoo，andMr。HammerdownwillsellbytheordersofDiogenes’assignees，orwillbeinstructedbytheexecutors，tooffertopubliccompetition，thelibrary，furniture，plate，wardrobe，andchoicecellarofwinesofEpicurusdeceased。
　　Evenwiththemostselfishdisposition，theVanityFairian，ashewitnessesthissordidpartoftheobsequiesofadepartedfriend，can’tbutfeelsomesympathiesandregret。
　　MyLordDives’sremainsareinthefamilyvault：thestatuariesarecuttinganinscriptionveraciouslycommemoratinghisvirtues，andthesorrowsofhisheir，whoisdisposingofhisgoods。WhatguestatDives’stablecanpassthefamiliarhousewithoutasigh？——thefamiliarhouseofwhichthelightsusedtoshinesocheerfullyatseveno’clock，ofwhichthehall-doorsopenedsoreadily，ofwhichtheobsequiousservants，asyoupassedupthecomfortablestair，soundedyournamefromlandingtolanding，untilitreachedtheapartmentwherejollyoldDiveswelcomedhisfriends！Whatanumberofthemhehad；andwhatanoblewayofentertainingthem。Howwittypeopleusedtobeherewhoweremorosewhentheygotoutofthedoor；andhowcourteousandfriendlymenwhoslanderedandhatedeachothereverywhereelse！Hewaspompous，butwithsuchacookwhatwouldonenotswallow？hewasratherdull，perhaps，butwouldnotsuchwinemakeanyconversationpleasant？WemustgetsomeofhisBurgundyatanyprice，themournerscryathisclub。”IgotthisboxatoldDives’ssale。”Pinchersays，handingitround，“oneofLouisXV’smistresses——prettything，isitnot？——sweetminiature。”andtheytalkofthewayinwhichyoungDivesisdissipatinghisfortune。
　　Howchangedthehouseis，though！Thefrontispatchedoverwithbills，settingforththeparticularsofthefurnitureinstaringcapitals。Theyhavehungashredofcarpetoutofanupstairswindow——ahalfdozenofportersareloungingonthedirtysteps——thehallswarmswithdingyguestsoforientalcountenance，whothrustprintedcardsintoyourhand，andoffertobid。Oldwomenandamateurshaveinvadedtheupperapartments，pinchingthebed-
　　curtains，pokingintothefeathers，shampooingthemattresses，andclappingthewardrobedrawerstoandfro。
　　Enterprisingyounghousekeepersaremeasuringthelooking-glassesandhangingstoseeiftheywillsuitthenewmenageSnobwillbragforyearsthathehaspurchasedthisorthatatDives’ssale，andMr。Hammerdownissittingonthegreatmahoganydining-tables，inthedining-
　　roombelow，wavingtheivoryhammer，andemployingalltheartificesofeloquence，enthusiasm，entreaty，reason，despair；shoutingtohispeople；satirizingMr。Davidsforhissluggishness；inspiritingMr。Mossintoaction；
　　imploring，commanding，bellowing，untildowncomesthehammerlikefate，andwepasstothenextlot。ODives，whowouldeverhavethought，aswesatroundthebroadtablesparklingwithplateandspotlesslinen，tohaveseensuchadishattheheadofitasthatroaringauctioneer？
　　Itwasratherlateinthesale。Theexcellentdrawing-
　　roomfurniturebythebestmakers；therareandfamouswinesselected，regardlessofcost，andwiththewell-knowntasteofthepurchaser；therichandcompletesetoffamilyplatehadbeensoldonthepreviousdays。Certainofthebestwineswhichallhadagreatcharacteramongamateursintheneighbourhoodhadbeenpurchasedforhismaster，whoknewthemverywell，bythebutlerofourfriendJohnOsborne，Esquire，ofRussellSquare。AsmallportionofthemostusefularticlesoftheplatehadbeenboughtbysomeyoungstockbrokersfromtheCity。Andnowthepublicbeinginvitedtothepurchaseofminorobjects，ithappenedthattheoratoronthetablewasexpatiatingonthemeritsofapicture，whichhesoughttorecommendtohisaudience：itwasbynomeanssoselectornumerousacompanyashadattendedthepreviousdaysoftheauction。
　　“No。369。”roaredMr。Hammerdown。”Portraitofagentlemanonanelephant。Who’llbidforthegentlemanontheelephant？Liftupthepicture，Blowman，andletthecompanyexaminethislot。”Along，pale，military-
　　lookinggentleman，seateddemurelyatthemahoganytable，couldnothelpgrinningasthisvaluablelotwasshownbyMr。Blowman。”TurntheelephanttotheCaptain，Blowman。Whatshallwesay，sir，fortheelephant？”
　　buttheCaptain，blushinginaveryhurriedanddiscomfitedmanner，turnedawayhishead。
　　“Shallwesaytwentyguineasforthisworkofart？——
　　fifteen，five，nameyourownprice。Thegentlemanwithouttheelephantisworthfivepound。”
　　“Iwonderitain’tcomedownwithhim。”saidaprofessionalwag，“he’sanyhowapreciousbigone“；atwhichfortheelephant-riderwasrepresentedasofaverystoutfiguretherewasageneralgiggleintheroom。
　　“Don’tbetryingtodeprecatethevalueofthelot，Mr。
　　Moss。”Mr。Hammerdownsaid；“letthecompanyexamineitasaworkofart——theattitudeofthegallantanimalquiteaccordingtonatur’；thegentlemaninanankeenjacket，hisguninhishand，isgoingtothechase；inthedistanceabanyhanntreeandapagody，mostlikelyresemblancesofsomeinterestingspotinourfamousEasternpossessions。Howmuchforthislot？
　　Come，gentlemen，don’tkeepmehereallday。”
　　Someonebidfiveshillings，atwhichthemilitarygentlemanlookedtowardsthequarterfromwhichthissplendidofferhadcome，andtheresawanotherofficerwithayoungladyonhisarm，whobothappearedtobehighlyamusedwiththescene，andtowhom，finally，thislotwasknockeddownforhalfaguinea。Heatthetablelookedmoresurprisedanddiscomposedthaneverwhenhespiedthispair，andhisheadsankintohismilitarycollar，andheturnedhisbackuponthem，soastoavoidthemaltogether。
　　OfalltheotherarticleswhichMr。Hammerdownhadthehonourtoofferforpubliccompetitionthatdayitisnotourpurposetomakemention，saveofoneonly，alittlesquarepiano，whichcamedownfromtheupperregionsofthehousethestategrandpianohavingbeendisposedofpreviously；thistheyoungladytriedwitharapidandskilfulhandmakingtheofficerblushandstartagain，andforit，whenitsturncame，heragentbegantobid。
　　Buttherewasanoppositionhere。TheHebrewaide-de-
　　campintheserviceoftheofficeratthetablebidagainsttheHebrewgentlemanemployedbytheelephantpurchasers，andabriskbattleensuedoverthislittlepiano，thecombatantsbeinggreatlyencouragedbyMr。
　　Hammerdown。