Lawksamercy，doctor，criedtheyoungbloodintheprimrosevest，feigningawomanishsimperandimmodestsquirmingsofhisbody，howyoudoteaseabody！Drattheman！Blessme，I’mallofawibblywobbly。Why，you’reasbadasdearlittleFatherCantekissemthatyouare！Maythispotoffourhalfchokeme，criedCostello，ifsheain’tinthefamilyway。Iknowsaladywhat’sgotawhiteswellingquickasIclapseyesonher。Theyoungsurgeon，however，roseandbeggedthecompanytoexcusehisretreatasthenursehadjusttheninformedhimthathewasneededintheward。Mercifulprovidencehadbeenpleasedtoputaperiodtothesufferingsoftheladywhowasenceintewhichshehadbornewithalaudablefortitudeandshehadgivenbirthtoabouncingboy。Iwantpatience，saidhe，withthosewhowithoutwittoenlivenorlearningtoinstruct，revileanennoblingprofessionwhich，savingthereverenceduetotheDeity，isthegreatestpowerforhappinessupontheearth。IampositivewhenIsaythatifneedwereIcouldproduceacloudofwitnessestotheexcellenceofhernobleexercitationswhich，sofarfrombeingabyword，shouldbeagloriousincentiveinthehumanbreast。Icannotawaywiththem。What？Malignsuchanone，theamiableMissCallan，whoisthelustreofherownsexandtheastonishmentofoursandataninstantthemostmomentousthatcanbefallapunychildofclay？Perishthethought！IshuddertothinkofthefutureofaracewheretheseedsofsuchmalicehavebeensownandwherenorightreverenceisrenderedtomotherandmaidinhouseofHorne。Havingdeliveredhimselfofthisrebukehesalutedthosepresentonthebyandrepairedtothedoor。
　　Amurmurofapprovalarosefromallandsomewereforejectingthelowsoakerwithoutmoreado，adesignwhichwouldhavebeeneffectednorwouldhehavereceivedmorethanhisbaredesertshadhenotabridgedhistransgressionbyaffirmingwithahorridimprecationforhesworearoundhandthathewasasgoodasonofthetruefoldaseverdrewbreath。Stapmyvitals，saidhe，themwasalwaysthesentimentsofhonestFrankCostellowhichIwasbredupmostparticulartohonourthyfatherandthymotherthathadthebesthandtoarolypolyorahastypuddingasyoueverseewhatIalwayslooksbackonwithalovingheart。
　　ToreverttoMrBloomwho，afterhisfirstentry，hadbeenconsciousofsomeimpudentmockswhichhe，however，hadbornewithbeingthefruitsofthatageuponwhichitiscommonlychargedthatitknowsnotpity。Theyoungsparks，itistrue，wereasfullofextravaganciesasovergrownchildren：
　　thewordsoftheirtumultuarydiscussionsweredifficultlyunderstoodandnotoftennice：theirtestinessandoutrageousmotsweresuchthathisintellectsresiledfrom：norweretheyscrupulouslysensibleoftheproprietiesthoughtheirfundofstronganimalspiritsspokeintheirbehalf。
　　ButthewordofMrCostellowasanunwelcomelanguageforhimforhenauseatedthewretchthatseemedtohimacropearedcreatureofamisshapengibbositybornoutofwedlockandthrustlikeacrookbackteethedandfeetfirstintotheworld，whichthedintofthesurgeon’spliersinhisskulllentindeedacolourto，soasitputhiminthoughtofthatmissinglinkofcreation’schaindesideratedbythelateingeniousMrDarwin。Itwasnowformorethanthemiddlespanofourallottedyearsthathehadpassedthroughthethousandvicissitudesofexistenceand，beingofawaryascendancyandselfamanofarareforecast，hehadenjoinedhishearttorepressallmotionsofarisingcholerand，byinterceptingthemwiththereadiestprecaution，fosterwithinhisbreastthatplenitudeofsufferancewhichbasemindsjeerat，rashjudgersscornandallfindtolerableandbuttolerable。
　　Tothosewhocreatethemselveswitsatthecostoffemininedelicacyahabitofmindwhichheneverdidholdwithtothemhewouldconcedeneithertobearthenamenortoheritthetraditionofaproperbreeding：whileforsuchthat，havinglostallforbearance，canlosenomore，thereremainedthesharpantidoteofexperiencetocausetheirinsolencytobeataprecipitateandingloriousretreat。Notbutwhathecouldfeelwithmettlesomeyouthwhich，caringnoughtforthemowsofdotardsorthegruntlingsofthesevere，iseverasthechastefancyoftheHolyWriterexpressitforeatingofthetreeforbidityetnotsofarforthastopretermithumanityuponanyconditionsoevertowardsagentlewomanwhenshewasaboutherlawfuloccasions。Toconclude，whilefromthesister’swordshehadreckoneduponaspeedydeliveryhewas，however，itmustbeowned，notalittlealleviatedbytheintelligencethattheissuesoauspicatedafteranordealofsuchduressnowtestifiedoncemoretothemercyaswellastothebountyoftheSupremeBeing。
　　Accordinglyhebrokehismindtohisneighbour，sayingthat，toexpresshisnotionofthething，hisopinionwhooughtnotperchancetoexpressonewasthatonemusthaveacoldconstitutionandafrigidgeniusnottoberejoicedbythisfreshestnewsofthefruitionofherconfinementsinceshehadbeeninsuchpainthroughnofaultofhers。Thedressyyoungbladesaiditwasherhusband’sthatputherinthatexpectationoratleastitoughttobeunlessshewereanotherEphesianmatron。Imustacquaintyou，saidMrCrothers，clappingonthetablesoastoevokearesonantcommentofemphasis，oldGloryAllelujerumwasroundagainto-day，anelderlymanwithdundrearies，preferringthroughhisnosearequesttohavewordofWilhelmina，mylife，ashecallsher。Ibadehimholdhimselfinreadinessforthattheeventwouldburstanon。’Slife，I’llberoundwithyou。I
　　cannotbutextolthevirilepotencyoftheoldbuckothatcouldstillknockanotherchildoutofher。Allfelltopraisingofit，eachafterhisownfashion，thoughthesameyoungbladeheldwithhisformerviewthatanotherthanherconjugialhadbeenthemaninthegap，aclerkinorders，alinkboyvirtuousoranitinerantvendorofarticlesneededineveryhousehold。
　　Singular，communedtheguestwithhimself，thewonderfullyunequalfacultyofmetempsychosispossessedbythem，thatthepuerperaldormitoryandthedissectingtheatreshouldbetheseminariesofsuchfrivolity，thatthemereacquisitionofacademictitlesshouldsufficetotransforminapinchoftimethesevotariesoflevityintoexemplarypractitionersofanartwhichmostmenanywiseeminenthaveesteemedthenoblest。But，hefurtheradded，itismayhaptorelievethepentupfeelingsthatincommonoppressthemforIhavemorethanonceobservedthatbirdsofafeatherlaughtogether。
　　Butwithwhatfitness，letitbeasked，ofthenoblelord，hispatron，hasthisalien，whomtheconcessionofagraciousprincehasadmittedtocivilrights，constitutedhimselfthelordparamountofourinternalpolity？
　　Whereisnowthatgratitudewhichloyaltyshouldhavecounselled？Duringtherecentwarwhenevertheenemyhadatemporaryadvantagewithhisgranadosdidthistraitortohiskindnotseizethatmomenttodischargehispieceagainsttheempireofwhichheisatenantatwillwhilehetrembledforthesecurityofhisfourpercents？Hasheforgottenthisasheforgetsallbenefitsreceived？Orisitthatfrombeingadeluderofothershehasbecomeatlasthisowndupeasheis，ifreportbeliehimnothisownandhisonlyenjoyer？Farbeitfromcandourtoviolatethebedchamberofarespectablelady，thedaughterofagallantmajor，ortocastthemostdistantreflectionsuponhervirtuebutifhechallengesattentionthereasitwasindeedhighlyhisinterestnottohavedonethenbeitso。Unhappywomanshehasbeentoolongandtoopersistentlydeniedherlegitimateprerogativetolistentohisobjurgationswithanyotherfeelingthanthederisionofthedesperate。Hesaysthis，acensorofmorals，averypelicaninhispiety，whodidnotscruple，obliviousofthetiesofnature，toattemptillicitintercoursewithafemaledomesticdrawnfromtheloweststrataofsociety。Nay，hadthehussy’sscouringbrushnotbeenhertutelaryangelithadgonewithherashardaswithHagar，theEgyptian！
　　InthequestionofthegrazinglandshispeevishasperityisnotoriousandinMrCuffe’shearingbroughtuponhimfromanindignantrancherascathingretortcouchedintermsasstraightforwardastheywerebucolic。
　　Itillbecomeshimtopreachthatgospel。Hashenotnearerhomeaseed-fieldthatliesfallowforthewantofaploughshare？Ahabitreprehensibleatpubertyissecondnatureandanopprobiuminmiddlelife。IfhemustdispensehisbalmofGileadinnostrumsandapothegmsofdubioustastetorestoretohealthagenerationofunfledgedprofligateslethispracticeconsistbetterwiththedoctrinesthatnowengrosshim。Hismaritalbreastistherepositoryofsecretswhichdecorumisreluctanttoadduce。Thelewdsuggestionsofsomefadedbeautymayconsolehimforaconsortneglectedanddebauchedbutthisnewexponentofmoralsandhealerofillsisathisbestanexotictreewhich，whenrootedinitsnativeorient，throveandflourishedandwasabundantinbalmbut，transplantedtoaclimemoretemperate，itsrootshavelosttheirquondamvigourwhilethestuffthatcomesawayfromitisstagnant，acidandinoperative。
　　ThenewswasimpartedwithacircumspectionrecallingtheceremonialusagesoftheSublimePortebythesecondfemaleinfirmariantothejuniormedicalofficerinresidence，whoinhisturnannouncedtothedelegationthatanheirhadbeenborn。Whenhehadbetakenhimselftothewomen’sapartmenttoassistattheprescribedceremonyoftheafterbirthinthepresenceofthesecretaryofstatefordomesticaffairsandthemembersoftheprivycouncil，silentinunanimousexhaustionandapprobation，thedelegates，chafingunderthelengthandsolemnityoftheirvigilandhopingthatthejoyfuloccurrencewouldpalliatealicencewhichthesimultaneousabsenceofabigailandofficerrenderedtheeasier，brokeoutatonceintoastrifeoftongues。InvainthevoiceofMrCanvasserBloomwasheardendeavouringtourge，tomollify，torestrain。Themomentwastoopropitiousforthedisplayofthatdiscursivenesswhichseemedtheonlybondofunionamongtemperssodivergent。Everyphaseofthesituationwassuccessivelyeviscerated：theprenatalrepugnanceofuterinebrothers，theCaesareansection，posthumitywithrespecttothefatherand，thatrarerform，withrespecttothemother，thefratricidalcaseknownastheChildsmurderandenderedmemorablebytheimpassionedpleaofMrAdvocateBushewhichsecuredtheacquittalofthewrongfullyaccused，therightsofprimogenitureandking’sbountytouchingtwinsandtriplets，miscarriagesandinfanticides，simulatedanddissimulated，acardiacftusinftu，aprosopiaduetoacongestion，theagnatiaofcertainchinlessChinamencitedbyMrCandidateMulliganinconsequenceofdefectivereunionofthemaxillaryknobsalongthemediallinesothatashesaidoneearcouldhearwhattheotherspoke，thebenefitsofanesthesiaortwilightsleep，theprolongationoflabourpainsinadvancedgravidancybyreasonofpressureonthevein，theprematurerelentmentoftheamnioticfluidasexemplifiedintheactualcasewithconsequentperilofsepsistothematrix，artificialinseminationbymeansofsyringes，involutionofthewombconsequentuponthemenopause，theproblemoftheperpetuationofthespeciesinthecaseoffemalesimpregnatedbydelinquentrape，thatdistressingmannerofdeliverycalledbytheBrandenburghersSturzgeburt，therecordedinstancesofmultigeminal，twikindledandmonstrousbirthsconceivedduringthecatamenicperiodorofconsanguineousparents-inawordallthecasesofhumannativitywhichAristotlehasclassifiedinhismaster-piecewithchromolithographicillustrations。Thegravestproblemsofobstetricsandforensicmedicinewereexaminedwithasmuchanimationasthemostpopularbeliefsonthestateofpregnancysuchastheforbiddingtoagravidwomantostepoveracountrystilelest，byhermovement，thenavelcordshouldstranglehercreatureandtheinjunctionuponherintheeventofayearning，ardentlyandineffectuallyentertained，toplaceherhandagainstthatpartofherpersonwhichlongusagehasconsecratedastheseatofcastigation。Theabnormalitiesofharelip，breastmole，supernumerarydigits，negro’sinkle，strawberrymarkandportwinestainwereallegedbyoneasaprimafacieandnaturalhypotheticalexplanationofswineheadedthecaseofMadameGrisselSteevenswasnotforgotten
　　ordoghairedinfantsoccasionallyborn。Thehypothesisofaplasmicmemory，advancedbythetaledonianenvoyandworthyofthemetaphysicaltraditionsofthelandhestoodfor，envisagedinsuchcasesanarrestofembryonicdevelopmentatsomestageantecedenttothehuman。Anoutlandishdelegatesustainedagainstboththeseviewswithsuchheatasalmostcarriedconvictionthetheoryofcopulationbetweenwomenandthemalesofbrutes，hisauthoritybeinghisownavouchmentinsupportoffablessuchasthatoftheMinotaurwhichthegeniusoftheelegantLatinpoethashandeddowntousinthepagesofhisMetamorphoses。Theimpressionmadebyhiswordswasimmediatebutshortlived。ItwaseffacedaseasilyasithadbeenevokedbyanallocutionfromMrCandidateMulliganinthatveinofpleasantrywhichnonebetterthanheknewknowtoaffect，postulatingasthesupremestobjectofdesireanicecleanoldman。Contemporaneously，aheatedargumenthavingarisenbetweenMrDelegateMaddenandMrCandidateLynchregardingthejuridicalandtheologicaldilemmaintheevenofoneSiamesetwinpredeceasingtheother，thedifficultybymutualconsentwasreferredtoMrCanvasserBloomforinstantsubmittaltoMrCoadjutorDeaconDedalus。Hithertosilent，whetherthebettertoshowbypreternaturalgravitythatcuriousdignityofthegarbwithwhichhewasinvestedorinobediencetoaninwardvoice，hedeliveredbriefly，andassomethoughtperfunctorily，theecclesiasticalordinanceforbiddingmantoputasunderwhatGodhasjoined。