butinadditiontothis，Ihadagloomyconvictionthattheawfulrealitiesshehadseenandfelt，herreconciliationwiththemanshehadonceloved，hisdreadfulsufferingsanddeath，musteventuallyeffacefromhermindalltracesofherpassingloveforme。Shemightrecoverfromthesehorrorssofarastoberestoredtoherformerhealth，hertranquillity，hercheerfulnesseven——Butnevertothosefeelingswhichwouldappeartoher，henceforth，asafleetingfancy，avain；illusivedream；especiallyastherewasnoonetoremindherofmyexistence——nomeansofassuringherofmyferventconstancy，nowthatweweresofarapart，anddelicacyforbademetoseeherortowritetoher，formonthstocomeatleast。AndhowcouldIengageherbrotherinmybehalf？howcouldIbreakthaticycrustofshyreserve？
　　Perhapshewoulddisapproveofmyattachmentnow，ashighlyasbefore；
　　perhapshewouldthinkmetoopoor——toolowlyborn，tomatchwithhissister。
　　Yes，therewasanotherbarrier：doubtlesstherewasawidedistinctionbetweentherankandcircumstancesofMrs。Huntingdon，theladyofGrassdaleManor，andthoseofMrs。Grahamtheartist，thetenantofWildfellHall；
　　anditmightbedeemedpresumptioninmetooffermyhandtotheformer——bytheworld，byherfriends——ifnotbyherself——apenaltyImightbrave，ifIwerecertainshelovedme；butotherwise，howcouldI？And，finally，herdeceasedhusband，withhisusualselfishness，mighthavesoconstructedhiswillastoplacerestrictionsuponhermarryingagain。SothatyouseeIhadreasonsenoughfordespairifIchosetoindulgeit。
　　Nevertheless，itwaswithnosmalldegreeofimpatiencethatI
　　lookedforwardtoMr。Lawrence’sreturnfromGrassdale——impatiencethatincreasedinproportionashisabsencewasprolonged。Hestayedawaysometenortwelvedays。Allveryrightthatheshouldremaintocomfortandhelphissister，buthemighthavewrittentotellmehowshewas，——oratleasttotellmewhentoexpecthisreturn；forhemighthaveknownIwassufferingtorturesofanxietyforher，anduncertaintyformyownfutureprospects。Andwhenhedidreturn，allhetoldmeabouther，wasthatshehadbeengreatlyexhaustedandwornbyherunremittingexertionsinbehalfofthatmanwhohadbeenthescourgeofherlife，andhaddraggedherwithhimnearlytotheportalsofthegrave，——andwasstillmuchshakenanddepressedbyhismelancholyendandthecircumstancesattendantuponit；butnowordinreferencetomemointimationthatmynamehadeverpassedherlips，orevenbeenspokeninherpresence。Tobesure，Iaskednoquestionsonthesubject：Icouldnotbringmymindtodoso，believing，asIdid，thatLawrencewasindeedaversetotheideaofmyunionwithhissister。
　　Isawthatheexpectedtobefurtherquestionedconcerninghisvisit，andIsawtoo，withthekeenperceptionofawakenedjealousy，oralarmedself-esteem——orbywhatevernameIoughttocallit——thatherathershrankfromthatimpendingscrutiny，andwasnolesspleasedthansurprisedtofinditdidnotcome。Ofcourse，Iwasburningwithanger，butprideobligedmetosuppressmyfeelings，andpreserveasmoothface——oratleast，astoiccalmnessthroughouttheinterview。Itwaswellitdid，for，reviewingthematterinmysoberjudgment，Imustsayitwouldhavebeenhighlyabsurdandimpropertohavequarrelledwithhimonsuchanoccasion：ImustconfesstoothatIwrongedhiminmyheart：thetruthwas，helikedmeverywell，buthewasfullyawarethataunionbetweenMrs。Huntingdonandmewouldbewhattheworldcallsamesalliance；anditwasnotinhisnaturetosettheworldatdefiance；——especiallyinsuchacaseasthis，foritsdreadlaugh，orillopinion，wouldbefarmoreterribletohimdirectedagainsthissisterthanhimself。Hadhebelievedthataunionwasnecessarytothehappinessofboth，orofeither，orhadheknownhowferventlyI
　　lovedher，hewouldhaveacteddifferently；butseeingmesocalmandcool，hewouldnotfortheworlddisturbmyphilosophy；andthoughrefrainingentirelyfromanyactiveoppositiontothematch，hewouldyetdonothingtobringitabout，andwouldmuchrathertakethepartofprudence，inaidingustoovercomeourmutualpredilections，thanthatoffeeling，toencouragethem。`Andhewasintherightofit，’youwillsay。Perhapshewas——atanyrate，IhadnobusinesstofeelsobitterlyagainsthimasIdid；butIcouldnotthenregardthematterinsuchamoderatelight；
　　and，afterabriefconversationuponindifferenttopics，Iwentaway，sufferingallthepangsofwoundedprideandinjuredfriendship，inadditiontothoseresultingfromthefearthatIwasindeedforgotten，andtheknowledgethatsheIlovedwasaloneandafflicted，sufferingfrominjuredhealthanddejectedspirits，andIwasforbiddentoconsoleorassisther——forbiddeneventoassureherofmysympathy，forthetransmissionofanysuchmessagethroughMr。Lawrencewasnowcompletelyoutofthequestion。
　　ButwhatshouldIdo？Iwouldwait，andseeifshewouldnoticeme——whichofcourseshewouldnot，unlessbysomekindmessageintrustedtoherbrother，that，inallprobability，hewouldnotdeliver，andthen——dreadfulthought！——shewouldthinkmecooledandchangedfornotreturningit——orperhaps，hehadalreadygivenhertounderstandthatIhadceasedtothinkofher！Iwouldwait，however，tillthesixmonthsafterourpartingwerefairlypassedwhichwouldbeaboutthecloseofFebruary，andthenI
　　wouldsendheralettermodestlyremindingherofherformerpermissiontowritetoheratthecloseofthatperiod，andhopingImightavailmyselfofit，atleasttoexpressmyheart-feltsorrowforherlateafflictions，myjustappreciationofhergenerousconduct，andmyhopethatherhealthwasnowcompletelyre-established，andthatshewould，sometime，bepermittedtoenjoythoseblessingsofapeaceful，happylife，whichhadbeendeniedhersolong，butwhichnonecouldmoretrulybesaidtomeritthanherself，——addingafewwordsofkindremembrancetomylittlefriendArthur，withahopethathehadnotforgottenme，and，perhaps，afewmoreinreferencetoby-gonetimes——tothedelightfulhoursIhadpassedinhersociety，andmyunfadingrecollectionofthem，whichwasthesaltandsolaceofmylife，——andahopethatherrecenttroubleshadnotentirelybanishedmefromhermind——Ifshedidnotanswerthis，ofcourseIshouldwritenomore：ifshedidassurelyshewould，insomefashionmyfutureproceedingsshouldberegulatedbyherreply。
　　Tenweekswaslongtowaitinsuchamiserablestateofuncertainty，butcourage！itmustbeendured；——andmeantimeIwouldcontinuetoseeLawrencenowandthen，thoughnotsooftenasbefore，andIwouldstillpursuemyhabitualenquiriesafterhissister——ifhehadlatelyheardfromher，andhowshewas，butnothingmore。
　　Ididso，andtheanswersIreceivedwerealwaysprovokinglylimitedtotheletteroftheenquiry：Shewasmuchasusual：Shemadenocomplaints，butthetoneofherlastletterevincedgreatdepressionofmind：Shesaidshewasbetter：——and，finally：——Shesaidshewaswell，andverybusywithherson’seducation，andwiththemanagementofherlatehusband’spropertyandtheregulationofhisaffairs。Therascalhadnevertoldmehowthatpropertywasdisposed，orwhetherMr。Huntingdonhaddiedintestateornot；andIwouldsoonerdiethanaskhim，lestheshouldmisconstrueintocovetousnessmydesiretoknow。Heneverofferedtoshowmehissister’slettersnow；andIneverhintedawishtoseethem。February，however，wasapproaching；Decemberwaspast，January，atlength，wasalmostovertfewmoreweeks，andthen，certaindespairorrenewalofhopewouldputanendtothislongagonyofsuspense。
　　Butalas！itwasjustaboutthattimeshewascalledtosustainanotherblowinthedeathofheruncleworthlessoldfellowenough，inhimself，Idaresay，buthehadalwaysshownmorekindnessandaffectiontoherthantoanyothercreature，andshehadalwaysbeenaccustomedtoregardhimasaparent。Shewaswithhimwhenhedied，andhadassistedheraunttonursehimduringthelaststageofhisillness。HerbrotherwenttoStaningleytoattendthefuneral，andtoldme，uponhisreturn，thatshewasstillthere，endeavouringtocheerherauntwithherpresence，andlikelytoremainsometime。Thiswasbadnewsforme，forwhileshecontinuedthere，Icouldnotwritetoher，asIdidnotknowtheaddress，andwouldnotaskitofhim。Butweekfollowedweek，andeverytimeIenquiredabouthershewasstillatStaningley。
　　`WhereisStaningley？’Iaskedatlast。
　　`Inshire，’wasthebriefreply：andtherewassomethingsocoldanddryinthemannerofit，thatIwaseffectuallydeterredfromrequestingamoredefiniteaccount。
　　`WhenwillshereturntoGrassdale？’wasmynextquestion。
　　`Idon’tknow。’
　　`Confoundit！’Imuttered。
　　`Why，Markham？’askedmycompanion，withanairofinnscentsurprise。
　　ButIdidnotdeigntoanswerhim，savebyalookofsilent，sullencontempt，atwhichheturnedaway，andcontemplatedthecarpetwithaslightsmile，halfpensive，halfamused；butquicklylookingup，hebegantotalkofothersubjects，tryingtodrawmeintoacheerfulandfriendlyconversation；
　　butIwastoomuchirritatedtodiscoursewithhim，andsoontookleave。
　　YouseeLawrenceandIsomehowcouldnotmanagetogetonverywelltogether。Thefactis，Ibelieve，wewerebothofusalittletootouchy。ItisatroublesomethingHalford，thissusceptibilitytoaffrontswherenoneareintended。Iamnomartyrtoitnow，asyoucanbearmewitness：
　　Ihavelearnedtobemerryandwise，tobemoreeasywithmyselfandmoreindulgenttomyneighbours，andIcanaffordtolaughatbothLawrenceandyou。
　　Partlyfromaccident，partlyfromwilfulnegligenceonmypartforIwasreallybeginningtodislikehim，severalweekselapsedbeforeIsawmyfriendagain。Whenwedidmeet，itwashethatsoughtmeout。OnebrightmorningearlyinJune，hecameintothefieldwhereIwasjustcommencingmyhayharvest。
　　`ItislongsinceIsawyou，Markham，’saidheafterthefirstfewwordshadpassedbetweenus。`DoyounevermeantocometoWoodfordagain？’
　　`Icalledonce，andyouwereout。’
　　`Iwassorry：butthatwaslongsince；Ihopedyouwouldcallagain；andnow，Ihavecalled，andyouwereout——whichyougenerallyare，orIwoulddomyselfthepleasureofcallingmorefrequently——Butbeingdeterminedtoseeyouthistime，Ihaveleftmyponyinthelane，andcomeoverhedgeandditchtojoinyou；forIamabouttoleaveWoodfordforawhile，andmaynothavethepleasureofseeingyouagainforamonthortwo。’
　　`Whereareyougoing？’
　　`ToGrassdalefirst，’saidhe，withahalf-smilehewouldwillinglyhavesuppressedifhecould。
　　`ToGrassdale！Isshethere，then？’
　　`Yes，butinadayortwoshewillleaveittoaccompanyMrs。
　　MaxwelltoFforthebenefitoftheseaair；andIshallgowiththem。’
　　Fwasatthattimeaquietbutrespectablewateringplace：itisconsiderablymorefrequentednow。
　　Lawrenceseemedtoexpectmetotakeadvantageofthiscircumstancetointrusthimwithsomesortofamessagetohissister；andIbelievehewouldhaveundertakentodeliveritwithoutanymaterialobjections，ifIhadhadthesensetoaskhim；thoughofcoursehewouldnotoffertodoso，ifIwascontenttoletitalone。ButIcouldnotbringmyselftomaketherequest；anditwasnottillafterhewasgone，thatIsawhowfairanopportunityIhadlost；andthen，indeed，Ideeplyregrettedmystupidityandmyfoolishpride；butitwasnowtoolatetoremedytheevil。
　　HedidnotreturntilltowardsthelatterendofAugust。HewrotetometwiceorthricefromF；buthislettersweremostprovokinglyunsatisfactory，dealingingeneralitiesorintriflesthatIcarednothingabout，orrepletewithfanciesandreflectionsequallyunwelcometomeatthetime，——sayingnexttonothingabouthissister，andlittlemoreabouthimself。Iwouldwait，however，tillhecameback：perhapsIcouldgetsomethingmoreoutofhimthen。Atallevents，Iwouldnotwritetohernow，whileshewaswithhimandheraunt，whodoubtlesswouldbestillmorehostiletomypresumptuousaspirationsthanhimself。Whenshewasreturnedtothesilenceandsolitudeofherownhomeitwouldbemyfittestopportunity。
　　WhenLawrencecame，however，hewasasreservedaseveronthesubjectofmykeenanxiety。HetoldmethathissisterhadderivedconsiderablebenefitfromherstayatF——，thathersonwasquitewell，and——alas！thatbothofthemweregone，withMrs。Maxwell，backtoStaningley；——andtheretheystayedatleastthreemonths。Butinsteadofboringyouwithmychagrin，myexpectationsanddisappointments，myfluctuationsofdulldespondencyandflickeringhope，myvaryingresolutions，nowtodropit，andnowtopersevere——nowtomakeaboldpush，andnowtoletthingspassandpatientlyabidemytime，——Iwillemploymyselfinsettlingthebusinessofoneortwoofthecharacters，introducedinthecourseofthisnarrative，whomImaynothaveoccasiontomentionagain。