July30th——Hereturnedaboutthreeweeksago,ratherbetterinhealth,certainly,thanbefore,butstillworseintemper。Andyet,perhaps,Iamwrong:itisIthatamlesspatientandforbearing。Iamtiredoutwithhisinjustice,hisselfishnessandhopelessdepravity——I
wishamilderwordwoulddo——;Iamnoangelandmycorruptionrisesagainstit。Mypoorfatherdiedlastweek:Arthurwasvexedtohearofit,becausehesawthatIwasshockedandgrieved,andhefearedthecircumstancewouldmarhiscomfort。WhenIspokeoforderingmymourning,heexclaimed——
`Oh,Ihateblack!Buthowever,Isupposeyoumustwearitawhile,forform’ssake;butIhope,Helen,youwon’tthinkityourboundendutytocomposeyourfaceandmannersintoconformitywithyourfunerealgarb。
Whyshouldyousighandgroan,andIbemadeuncomfortablebecauseanoldgentlemanin——hire,aperfectstrangertousboth,hasthoughtpropertodrinkhimselftodeath?——Therenow,Ideclareyou’recrying!Well,itmustbeaffectation。’
Hewouldnothearofmyattendingthefuneral,orgoingforadayortwo,tocheerpoorFrederick’ssolitude。Itwasquiteunnecessary,hesaid,andIwasunreasonabletowishit。Whatwasmyfathertome?I
hadneverseenhim,butoncesinceIwasababy,andIwellknewhehadnevercaredastiveraboutme;——andmybrothertoo,waslittlebetterthanastranger。`Besides,dearHelen,’saidhe,embracingmewithflatteringfondness,`Icannotspareyouforasingleday。’
`Thenhowhaveyoumanagedwithoutme,thesemanydays?’
saidI。
`Ah!thenIwasknockingabouttheworld,nowIamathome;andhomewithoutyou,myhouseholddeity,wouldbeintolerable。’
`Yes,aslongasIamnecessarytoyourcomfort;butyoudidnotsaysobefore,whenyouurgedmetoleaveyou,inorderthatyoumightgetawayfromyourhomewithoutme,’retortedI;butbeforethewordswerewelloutofmymouth,Iregrettedhavingutteredthem。Itseemedsoheavyacharge:iffalse,toogrossaninsult;iftrue,toohumiliatingafacttobethusopenlycastinhisteeth。ButImighthavesparedmyselfthatmomentarypangofself-reproach。Theaccusationawokeneithershamenorindignationinhim:heattemptedneitherdenialnorexcuse,butonlyansweredwithalong,low,chucklinglaughasifheviewedthewholetransactionasaclever,merryjestfrombeginningtoend。Surelythatmanwillmakemedislikehimatlast!
`Sineasyebrew,mymaidenfair,Keepmindthatyemaundrinktheyill。”
Yes;andIwilldrinkittotheverydregs:andnonebutmyselfshallknowhowbitterIfindit!
August20th——Weareshakendownagaintoaboutourusualposition。
Arthurhasreturnedtonearlyhisformerconditionandhabits;andIhavefounditmywisestplantoshutmyeyesagainstthepastandfuture,asfarasheatleastisconcerned,andliveonlyforthepresent;
tolovehimwhenIcan;tosmileifpossiblewhenhesmiles,becheerfulwhenheischeerful,andpleasedwhenheisagreeable;andwhenheisnot,totrytomakehimso——andifthatwon’tanswer,tobearwithhim,toexcusehim,andforgivehim,aswellasIcan,andrestrainmyownevilpassionsfromaggravatinghis;andyet,whileIthusyieldandministertohismoreharmlesspropensitiestoself-indulgence,todoallinmypowertosavehimfromtheworse。
Butweshallnotbelongalonetogether。Ishallshortlybecalledupontoentertainthesameselectbodyoffriendsaswehadtheautumnbeforelast,withtheadditionofMr。Hattersleyand,atmyspecialrequest,hiswifeandchild。IlongtoseeMilicent——andherlittlegirltoo。Thelatterisnowaboveayearold;shewillbeacharmingplaymateformylittleArthur。
September30th——Ourguestshavebeenhereaweekortwo;butIhavehadnoleisuretopassanycommentsuponthemtillnow。IcannotgetovermydisliketoLadyLowborough。Itisnotfoundedonmerepersonalpique;itisthewomanherselfthatIdislike,becauseIsothoroughlydisapproveofher。IalwaysavoidhercompanyasmuchasIcanwithoutviolatingthelawsofhospitality;butwhenwedospeakorconversetogether,itiswiththeutmostcivility——evenapparentcordialityonherpart;butpreservemefromsuchcordiality!Itislikehandlingbriar-rosesandmay-blossoms——brightenoughtotheeye,andoutwardlysofttothetouch,butyouknowtherearethornsbeneath,andeverynowandthenyoufeelthemtoo;andperhapsresenttheinjurybycrushingthemintillyouhavedestroyedtheirpower,thoughsomewhattothedetrimentofyourownfingers。
Oflate,however,IhaveseennothinginherconducttowardsArthurtoangeroralarmme。DuringthefirstfewdaysIthoughtsheseemedverysolicitoustowinhisadmiration。Hereffortswerenotunnoticedbyhim:
Ifrequentlysawhimsmilingtohimselfatherartfulmanoeuvres:but,tohispraisebeitspoken,hershaftsfellpowerlessbyhisside。Hermostbewitchingsmiles,herhaughtiestfrownswereeverreceivedwiththesameimmutable,carelessgood-humour;till,findinghewasindeedimpenetrable,shesuddenlyremittedherefforts,andbecame,toallappearance,asperfectlyindifferentashimself。NorhaveIsincewitnessedanysymptomofpiqueonhispart,orrenewedattemptsatconquestuponhers。
Thisisasitshouldbe;butArthurneverwillletmebesatisfiedwithhim。Ihavenever,forasinglehoursinceImarriedhim,knownwhatitistorealizethatsweetidea,`Inquietnessandconfidenceshallbeyourrest。’ThosetwodetestablemenGrimsbyandHattersleyhavedestroyedallmylabouragainsthisloveofwine。Theyencouragehimdailytooversteptheboundsofmoderation,and,notunfrequently,todisgracehimselfbypositiveexcess。Ishallnotsoonforgetthesecondnightaftertheirarrival。
JustasIhadretiredfromthedining-room,withtheladies,beforethedoorwascloseduponus,Arthurexclaimed——
`Nowthen,mylads,whatsayyoutoaregularjollification?’
Milicentglancedatmewithahalfreproachfullook,asifIcouldhinderit;buthercountenancechangedwhensheheardHattersley’svoiceshoutingthroughdoorandwall:
`I’myourman!Sendformorewine:hereisn’thalfenough!’
Wehadscarcelyenteredthedrawing-roombeforewewerejoinedbyLordLowborough。
`Whatcaninduceyoutocomesosoon?’exclaimedhislady,withamostungraciousairofdissatisfaction。
`YouknowIneverdrink,Annabella,’repliedhe,seriously。
`Well,butyoumightstaywiththemalittle:itlookssosillytobealwaysdanglingafterthewomen——Iwonderyoucan!’
Hereproachedherwithalookofmingledbitternessandsurprise,andsinkingintoachair,suppressedaheavysigh,bithispalelips,andfixedhiseyesuponthefloor。
`Youdidrighttoleavethem,LordLowborough,’saidI。`Itrustyouwillalwayscontinuetohonourussoearlywithyourcompany。AndifAnnabellaknewthevalueoftruewisdom,andthemiseryoffollyand——andintemperance,shewouldnottalksuchnonsense——eveninjest。’
HeraisedhiseyeswhileIspoke,andgravelyturnedthemuponmewithahalfsurprised,halfabstractedlook,andthenbentthemonhiswife。
`Atleast,’saidshe,`Iknowthevalueofawarmheartandabold,manlyspirit!’
Andshepointedherwordswithaglanceoftriumphatme,whichseemedtosay,`Andthatismorethanyoudo,’andalookofscornatherhusband,thatenteredintohissoul。Iwasintenselyexasperated;
butitwasnotformetoreproveher,or,asitseemed,toexpressmysympathywithherhusbandwithoutinsultinghisfeelings。AllIcoulddo,toobeymyinwardimpulse,wastohandhimacupofcoffee,bringingittohimmyself,andbeforeIservedeitheroftheladies,bywayofbalancinghercontemptbymyexceedingdeference。Hetookitmechanicallyfrommyhand,withaslightinclination,and,nextminute,roseandplacedituntastedonthetable,looking,notatit,butather。
`Well,Annabella,’saidhe,inadeepandhollowtone,`sincemypresenceisdisagreeabletoyou,Iwillrelieveyouofit。’
`Areyougoingbacktothem,then?’saidshe,carelessly。
`No,’exclaimedhe,withharshandstartlingemphasis;`IwillNOTgobacktothem!AndIwillneverstaywiththemonemomentlongerthanIthinkright,foryouoranyothertempter!Butyouneedn’tmindthatIshallnevertroubleyouagain,byintrudingmycompanyuponyousounseasonably。’
Helefttheroom,Iheardthehalldooropenandshut,andimmediatelyafter,onputtingasidethecurtain,Isawhimpacingdownthepark,inthecomfortlessgloomofthedamp,cloudytwilight。
Suchscenesasthisarealwaysdisagreeabletowitness。Ourlittlepartywascompletelysilencedforamoment。Milicentplayedwithherteaspoon,andlookedconfoundedanduncomfortable。IfAnnabellafeltanyshameoruneasiness,sheattemptedtohideitbyashort,recklesslaugh,andcalmlybetookherselftohercoffee。
`Itwouldserveyouright,Annabella,’saidIatlength,`ifLordLowboroughweretoreturntohisoldhabits,whichhadsonearlyeffectedhisruin,andwhichitcosthimsuchanefforttobreak。Youwouldthenseecausetorepentsuchconductasthis。’
`Notatall,mydear!IshouldnotmindifhisLordshipweretoseefittointoxicatehimselfeveryday:Ishouldonlythesoonerberidofhim。’
`Oh,Annabella!’criedMilicent。`Howcanyousaysuchwickedthings!Itwouldindeedbeajustpunishment,asfarasyouareconcerned,ifProvidenceshouldtakeyouatyourword,andmakeyoufeelwhatothersfeelthat——’Shepausedasasuddenburstofloudtalkingandlaughterreachedusfromthediningroom,inwhichthevoiceofHattersleywaspre-eminentlyconspicuous,eventomyunpractisedear。
`Whatyoufeelatthismoment,Isuppose?’saidLadyLowborough,withamalicioussmile,fixinghereyesuponhercousin’sdistressedcountenance。
Thelatterofferednoreply,butavertedherfaceandbrushedawayatear。AtthatmomentthedooropenedandadmittedMr。Hargrave;
justalittleflushed,hisdarkeyessparklingwithunwontedvivacity。
`Oh,I’mgladyou’recome,Walter!’criedhissister——`ButI
wishyoucouldhavegotRalphtocometoo。’
`Utterlyimpossible,dearMilicent,’repliedhe,gaily。`Ihadmuchadotogetawaymyself。Ralphattemptedtokeepmebyviolence;Huntingdonthreatenedmewiththeeternallossofhisfriendship;andGrimsby,worsethanall,endeavouredtomakemeashamedofmyvirtue,bysuchgallingsarcasmsandinnuendosasheknewwouldwoundmethemost。Soyousee,ladies,yououghttomakemewelcomewhenIhavebravedandsufferedsomuchforthefavourofyoursweetsociety。’Hesmilinglyturnedtomeandbowedashefinishedthesentence。
`Isn’thehandsomenowHelen?’whisperedMilicent,hersisterlyprideovercoming,forthemoment,allotherconsiderations。
`Hewouldbe,’Ireturned,`ifthatbrillianceofeye,andlip,andcheekwerenaturaltohim;butlookagain,afewhourshence。’
Herethegentlemantookaseatnearmeatthetable,andpetitionedforacupofcoffee。
`IconsiderthisanaptillustrationofHeaventakenbystorm,’
saidhe,asIhandedonetohim。`Iaminparadisenow;butIhavefoughtmywaythroughfloodandfiretowinit。RalphHattersley’slastresourcewastosethisbackagainstthedoor,andswearIshouldfindnopassagebutthroughhisbodyaprettysubstantialonetoo。Happily,however,thatwasnottheonlydoor,andIeffectedmyescapebythesideentrance,throughthebutler’spantry,totheinfiniteamazementofBenson,whowascleaningtheplate。’
Mr。Hargravelaughed,andsodidhiscousin;buthissisterandIremainedsilentandgrave。
`Pardonmylevity,Mrs。Huntingdon,’murmuredhe,moreseriously,asheraisedhiseyestomyface。`Youarenotusedtothesethings:yousufferthemtoaffectyourdelicatemindtoosensibly。ButIthoughtofyouinthemidstofthoselawlessroisterers;andIendeavouredtopersuadeMr。Huntingdontothinkofyoutoo;buttonopurpose:Ifearheisfullydeterminedtoenjoyhimselfthisnight;anditwillbenousekeepingthecoffeewaitingforhimorhiscompanions:itwillbemuchiftheyjoinusattea。Meantime,IearnestlywishIcouldbanishthethoughtsofthemfromyourmind——andmyowntoo,forIhatetothinkofthem——yes——evenofmydearfriendHuntingdon,whenIconsiderthepowerhepossessesoverthehappinessofonesoimmeasurablysuperiortohimself,andtheusehemakesofit——Ipositivelydetesttheman!’
`Youhadbetternotsaysotome,then,’saidI;`for,badasheis,heispartofmyself,’andyoucannotabusehimwithoutoffendingme。’
`Pardonme,then,forIwouldsoonerdiethanoffendyou——Butletussaynomoreofhimforthepresentifyouplease。’