Butinsayingthis,shelookedbackatLordLowborough,whowasstandingalittlebehind,leaningagainstthebackofachair——anattentivelistener,too,experiencing,tojudgebyhiscountenance,muchthesamefeelingsofmingledpleasureandsadnessasIdid。Butthelookshegavehimplainlysaid,`Doyouchooseformenow:Ihavedoneenoughforhim,andwillgladlyexertmyselftogratifyyou’;andthusencouraged,hislordshipcameforward,andturningoverthemusic,presentlysetbeforeheralittlesongthatIhadnoticedbefore,andreadmorethanonce,withaninterestarisingfromthecircumstanceofmyconnectingitinmymindwiththereigningtyrantofmythoughts。Andnowwithmynervesalreadyexcitedandhalfunstrung,Icouldnothearthosewordssosweetlywarbledforth,withoutsomesymptomsofemotionIwasnotabletosuppress,Tearsroseunbiddentomyeyes,andIburiedmyfaceinthesofa-pillowthattheymightflowunseenwhileIlistened。Theairwassimple,sweet,andsad;itisstillrunninginmyhead,——andsoarethewords:——>`Farewelltothee!butnotfarewellToallmyfondestthoughtsofthee:Withinmyhearttheystillshalldwell;Andtheyshallcheerandcomfortme。Oh,beautiful,andfullofgrace!Ifthouhadstnevermetmineeye,IhadnotdreamedalivingfaceCouldfanciedcharmssofaroutvie。IfImayne’erbeholdagainThatformandface,sodeartome。Norhearthyvoice,stillwouldIfainPreserve,foraye,theirmemory。Thatvoice,themagicofwhosetoneCanwakeanechoinmybreast,Creatingfeelingsthat,alone,Canmakemytrancedspiritblest。Thatlaughingeye,whosesunnybeamMymemorywouldnotcherishless;——Andoh,thatsmile!whosejoyousgleamNomortallanguishcanexpress。Adieu!butletmecherish,still,ThehopewithwhichIcannotpart。Contemptmaywound,andcoldnesschill,Butstillitlingersinmyheart,AndwhocantellbutHeaven,atlast,Mayanswerallmythousandprayers,AndbidthefuturepaythepastWithjoyforanguish,smilesfortears?’Whenitceased,Ilongedfornothingsomuchastobeoutoftheroom。
Thesofawasnotfarfromthedoor,butIdidnotdaretoraisemyhead,forIknewMrHuntingdonwasstandingnearme,andIknewbythesoundofhisvoice,ashespokeinanswertosomeremarkofLordLowborough’s,thathisfacewasturnedtowardsme。Perhapsahalfsuppressedsobhadcaughthisear,andcausedhimtolookround——Heavenforbid!But,withaviolenteffort,Icheckedallfurthersignsofweakness,driedmytears,and,whenIthoughthehadturnedawayagain,rose,andinstantlylefttheapartment,takingrefugeinmyfavouriteresort,thelibrary。
Therewasnolighttherebutthefaintredglowoftheneglectedfire;——butIdidnotwantalight;Ionlywantedtoindulgemythoughts,unnoticedandundisturbed;andsittingdownonalobstoolbeforetheeasychair,Isunkmyheaduponitscushionedseat,andthought,andthought,untilthetearsgushedoutagain,andIweptlikeanychild。Presently,however,thedoorwasgentlyopenedandsomeoneenteredtheroom。Itrusteditwasonlyaservant,anddidnotstir。Thedoorwasclosedagain——butIwasnotalone:ahandgentlytouchedmyshoulder,andavoicesaid,softly——
`Helen,whatisthematter?’
Icouldnotansweratthemoment。
`Youmustandshalltellme,’wasadded,morevehemently,andthespeakerthrewhimselfonhisknees,besidemeontherug,andforciblypossessedhimselfofmyhand;butIhastilycaughtitaway,andreplied——
`Itisnothingtoyou,MrHuntingdon。’
`Areyousureitisnothingtome?’hereturned;`canyouswearthatyouwerenotthinkingofmewhileyouwept?’
Thiswasunendurable。Imadeanefforttorise,buthewaskneelingonmydress。
`Tellme,’continuedhe——`Iwanttoknow,——because,ifyouwere,Ihavesomethingtosaytoyou,——andifnot,I’llgo。’
`Gothen!’Icried;but,fearinghewouldobeytoowell,andnevercomeagain,Ihastilyadded——`Orsaywhatyouhavetosay,andhavedonewithit!’
`Butwhich?’saidhe——`forIshallonlysayitifyoureallywerethinkingofme。Sotellme,Helen。’
`You’reexcessivelyimpertinent,MrHuntingdon!’
`Notatall——toopertinent,youmean——soyouwon’ttellme?——Well,I’llspareyourwoman’spride,and,construingyoursilenceinto“Yes。”
I’lltakeitforgrantedthatIwasthesubjectofyourthoughts,andthecauseofyouraffliction——’
`Indeed,sir——’
`Ifyoudenyit,Iwon’ttellyoumysecret,’threatenedhe;andIdidnotinterrupthimagain——orevenattempttorepulsehim,thoughhehadtakenmyhandoncemore,andhalfembracedmewithhisotherarm——I
wasscarcelyConsciousofit,atthetime,`Itisthis,’resumedhe:`thatAnnabellaWilmot,incomparisonwithyou,islikeaflauntingpeonycomparedwithasweet,wildrosebudgemmedwithdew——andIloveyoutodistraction!——Now,tellmeifthatintelligencegivesyouanypleasure——Silenceagain?Thatmeans“Yes“——Thenletmeadd,thatIcannotlivewithoutyou,andifyouanswer,“No“,tothislastquestion,youwilldrivememad——Willyoubestowyourselfuponme?——youwill!’hecried,nearlysqueezingmetodeathinhisarms。
`No,no!’Iexclaimed,strugglingtofreemyselffromhim——`youmustaskmyuncleandaunt,’
`Theywon’trefuseme,ifyoudon’t。’
`I’mnotsosureofthat-myauntdislikesyou。’
`Butyoudon’t,Helen——sayyouloveme,andI’llgo。’
`Iwishyouwouldgo!’Ireplied。
`Iwill,thisinstant,——ifyou’llonlysayyouloveme。’
`YouknowIdo,’Ianswered,Andagainhecaughtmeinhisarms,andsmotheredmewithkisses。
Atthatmoment,myauntopenedwidethedoor,andstoodbeforeus,candleinhand,inshockedandhorrifiedamazement,gazingalternatelyatMrHuntingdonandme——forwehadbothstartedup,andnowstoodwideenoughasunder。Buthisconfusionwasonlyforamoment。Rallyinginaninstant,withthemostenviableassurance,hebegan——
`Ibegtenthousandpardons,MrsMaxwell!Don’tbetoosevereuponme。I’vebeenaskingyoursweetniecetotakemeforbetter,forworse;
andshe,likeagoodgirl,informsmeshecannotthinkofitwithoutheruncle’sandaunt’sconsent。Soletmeimploreyounottocondemnmetoeternalwretchedness:ifyoufavourmycause,Iamsafe;forMrMaxwell,Iamcertain,canrefuseyounothing。’
`Wewilltalkofthistomorrow,sir,’saidmyaunt,coldly。`Itisasubjectthatdemandsmatureandseriousdeliberation。Atpresent,youhadbetterreturntothedrawing-room。’
`Butmeantime,’pleadedhe,`letmecommendmycausetoyourmostindulgent——’
`Noindulgenceforyou,MrHuntingdon,mustcomebetweenmeandtheconsiderationofmyniece’shappiness。’
`Ah,true!Iknowsheisanangel,andIamapresumptuousdogtodreamofpossessingsuchatreasure;but,nevertheless,Iwouldsoonerdiethanrelinquishherinfavourofthebatmanthateverwenttoheaven——andasforherhappiness,Iwouldsacrificemybodyandsoul——’
`Bodyandsoul,MrHuntingdon——sacrificeyoursoul?’
`Well,Iwouldlaydownlife——’
`Youwouldnotberequiredtolayitdown。’
`Iwouldspendit,then——devotemylife——andallitspowerstotilepromotionandpreservation——’
`Anothertime,sir,wewilltalkofthis——aidIshouldhavefeltdisposedtojudgemorefavourablyofyourpretensions,ifyoutoohadchosenanothertimeandplace,and——letmeadd——anothermannerforyourdeclaration。’
`Why,yousee,MrsMaxwell,’hebegan——
`Pardonme,sir,’saidshe,withdignity——`Thecompanyareenquiringforyouintheotherroom。’Andsheturnedtome。
`Thenyoumustpleadforme,Helen,’saidhe,andatlengthwithdrew。
`Youhadbetterretiretoyourroom,Helen,’saidmyaunt,gravely。
`Iwilldiscussthismatterwithyou,too,to-morrow。’
`Don’tbeangry,aunt,’saidI。
`Mydear,Iamnotangry,’shereplied:`Iamsurprised。
Ifitistruethatyoutoldhimyoucouldnotaccepthisofferwithoutourconsent——’
`Itistrue,’interruptedI。
`Thenhowcouldyoupermit——’
`Icouldn’thelpit,aunt,’Icried,burstingintotears。Theywerelotaltogetherthetearsofsorrow,oroffearforherdispleasure,utrathertheoutbreakofthegeneraltumultuousexcitementofnyfeelings。
Butmygoodauntwastouchedatmyagitation。Inasoftertone,sherepeatedherrecommendationtoretire,andgentlykissingmyforehead,bademegoodnight,andputhercandleinmyhand;andIwent;——butmybrainworkedso,Icouldnotthinkofsleeping。IfeelcalmernowthatIhavewrittenallthis;andIwillgotobed,andtrytowintirednature’ssweetrestorer。
TheTenantofWildfellHall:Chapter20CHAPTER20PersistenceSeptember24th——InthemorningIrose,lightandcheerful,nay,intenselyhappy。Thehoveringcloudcastovermebymyaunt’sviews,andbythefearofnotobtainingherconsent,waslostinthebrighteffulgenceofmyownhopes,andthetoodelightfulconsciousnessofrequitedlove。Itwasasplendidmorning;andIwentouttoenjoyit,inaquietrambleincompanywithmyownblissfulthoughts。Thedewwasonthegrass,andtenthousand’
gossamerswerewavinginthebreeze;thehappyredbreastwaspouringoutitslittlesoulinsong,andmyheartoverflowedwithsilenthymnsofgratitudeandpraisetoHeaven。
ButIhadnotwanderedfarbeforemysolitudewasinterruptedbytheonlypersonthatcouldhavedisturbedmymusings,atthatmoment,withoutbeinglookeduponasanunwelcomeintruder:MrHuntingdoncamesuddenlyuponme。Sounexpectedwastheapparition,thatImighthavethoughtitthecreationofanoverexcitedimagination,hadthesenseofsightalonebornewitnesstohispresence;butimmediatelyIfelthisstrongarmroundmywaistandhiswarmkissonmycheek,whilehiskeenandgleefulsalutation,`MyownHelen!’wasringinginmyear。
`Notyoursyet,’saidI,hastilyswervingasidefromthistoopresumptuousgreeting——`remembermyguardians。Youwillnoteasilyattainmyaunt’sconsent。Don’tyouseesheisprejudicedagainstyou?’
`Ido,dearest;andyoumusttellmewhy,thatImaybestknowhowtocombatherobjections。IsupposeshethinksIamaprodigal,’pursuedhe,observingthatIwasunwillingtoreply,`andconcludesthatIshallhavebutlittleworldlygoodswherewithtoendowmybetterhalf?Ifso,youmusttellherthatmypropertyismostlyentailed,andIcannotgetridofit。Theremaybeafewmortgagesontherest——afewtriflingdebtsandencumbranceshereandthere,butnothingtospeakof;andthoughI
acknowledgeIamnotsorichasImightbe——orhavebeen——still,Ithink,wecouldmanageprettycomfortablyonwhat’sleft。Myfather,youknow,wassomethingofamiser,and,inhislatterdaysespecially,sawnopleasureinlifebuttoamassriches;andsoitisnowonderthathissonshouldmakeithischiefdelighttospendthem,whichwasaccordinglythecase,untilmyacquaintancewithyou,dearHelen,taughtmeotherviewsandnobleraims。AndtheveryideaofhavingyoutocareforundermyroofwouldforcemetomoderatemyexpensesandlivelikeaChristian——nottospeakofalltheprudenceandvirtueyouwouldinstilintomymindbyyourwisecounselsandsweet,attractivegoodness’
`Butitisnotthat,’saidI,`itisnotmoneymyauntthinksabout。Sheknowsbetterthantovalueworldlywealthaboveitsprice。’
`Whatisitthen?’
`Shewishesmeto——tomarrynonebutareallygoodman。’
`What,amanof“decidedpiety“?——ahem!——Well,come,I’llmanagethattoo!It’sSundayto-day,isn’tit?I’llgotochurchmorning,afternoon,andevening,andcomportmyselfinsuchagodlysortthatsheshallregardmewithadmirationandsisterlylove,asabrandpluckedfromtheburning。
I’llcomehomesighinglikeafurnace,andfullofthesavourandunctionofdearMrBlatant’sdiscourse——’
`MrLeighton,’saidI,dryly。
`IsMrLeightona“sweetpreacher“,Helen——a“dear,delightful,heavenly-mindedman“?’