`Well,Ishallbeneithercarelessnorweak。’
`RememberPeter,Helen!Don’tboast,butwatch。Keepaguardoveryoureyesandearsastheinletsofyourheart,andoveryourlipsastheoutlet,lesttheybetrayyouinamomentofunwariness。Receive,coldlyanddispassionately,everyattention,tillyouhaveascertainedanddulyconsideredtheworthoftheaspirant;andletyouraffectionsbeconsequentuponapprobationalone。Firststudy;thenapprove;thenlove。
letyoureyesbeblindtoallexternalattractions,yourearsdeaftoallthefascinationsofBatteryandlightdiscourse——Thesearenothing——andworsethannothing——snaresandwilesofthetempter,tolurethethoughtlesstotheirowndestruction。Principleisthefirstthing,afterall;andnexttothat,goodsense,respectability,andmoderatewealth。Ifyoushouldmarrythehandsomest,andmostaccomplishedandsuperficiallyagreeablemanintheworld,youlittleknowthemiserythatwouldoverwhelmyou,if,afterall,youshouldfindhimtobeaworthlessreprobate,orevenanimpracticablefool。’
`Butwhatareallthepoorfoolsandreprobatestodo,aunt?Ifeverybodyfollowedyouradvicetheworldwouldsooncometoanend。’
`Neverfear,mydear!themalefoolsandreprobateswillneverwantforpartnerswhiletherearesomanyoftheothersextomatchthem;
butdoyoufollowmyadvice。Andthisisnosubjectforjesting,Helen;
Iamsorrytoseeyoutreatthematterinthatlightway。Believeme,matrimonyisaseriousthing。’Andshespokeitsoseriouslythatonemighthavefanciedshehadknownittohercost;butIaskednomoreimpertinentquestions,andmerelyanswered,——
`Iknowitis;andIknowthereistruthandsenseinwhatyousay;butyouneednotfearme,forInotonlyshouldthinkitwrongtomarryamanthatwasdeficientinsenseorinprinciple,butIshouldneverbetemptedtodoit;forIcouldnotlikehim,ifhewereeversohandsomeandeversocharminginotherrespects;Ishouldhatehim——despisehim——pityhim——anythingbutlovehim。Myaffectionsnotonlyoughttobefoundedonapprobation,buttheywillandmustbeso:forwithoutapprovingIcannotlove。ItisneedlesstosayIoughttobeabletorespectandhonourthemanImarryaswellaslovehim,forIcannotlovehimwithout。Sosetyourmindatrest。’
`Ihopeitmaybeso,’answeredshe。
`Iknowitisso,’persistedI。
`Youhavenotbeentriedyet,Helen:wecallbuthope,’saidshe,inhercold,cautiousway。
`Iwasvexedatherincredulity;butIamnotsureherdoubtswereentirelywithoutsagacity;IfearIhavefounditmucheasiertorememberheradvicethantoprofitbyit——Indeed,Ihavesometimesbeenledtoquestionthesoundnessofherdoctrinesonthosesubjects。Hercounselsmaybegood,asfarastheygo——inthemainpoints,atleast;——buttherearesomethingsshehasoverlookedinhercalculations。Iwonderifshewaseverinlove。
Icommencedmycareer——ormyfirstcampaign,asmyunclecallsit——kindlingwithbrighthopesandfancies——chieflyraisedbythisconversation——andfullofconfidenceinmyowndiscretion。Atfirst,IwasdelightedwiththenoveltyandexcitementofourLondonlife;butsoon,Ibegantowearyofitsmingledturbulenceandconstraint,andsighforthefreshnessandfreedomofhome。Mynewacquaintances,bothmaleandfemale,disappointedmyexpectations,andvexedanddepressedmebyturns;forIsoongrewtiredofstudyingtheirpeculiarities,andlaughingattheirfoibles——particularlyasIwasobligedtokeepmycriticismstomyself,formyauntwouldnothearthem——andthey——theladiesespecially——appearedsoprovokinglymindless,andheartless,andartificial。Thegentlemenseemedbetter,butperhapsitwasbecauseIknewthemless,perhapsbecausetheyflatteredme;butIdidnotfallinlovewithanyofthem,andiftheirattentionspleasedmeonemoment,theyprovokedmethenext,becausetheyputmeoutofhumourwithmyself,byrevealingmyvanityandmakingmefearIwasbecominglikesomeoftheladiesIsoheartilydespised。
Therewasoneelderlygentlemanthatannoyedmeverymuch;aricholdfriendofmyuncle’s,who,Ibelieve,thoughtIcouldnotdobetterthanmarryhim;but,besidesbeingold,hewasuglyanddisagreeable,——andwicked,Iamsure,thoughmyauntscoldedmeforsayingso;butsheallowedhewasnosaint。Andtherewasanother,lesshateful,butstillmoretiresome,becauseshefavouredhim,andwasalwaysthrustinghimuponme,andsonghispraisesinmyears,MrBoarham,byname,Bore’emasIpreferspellingit,foraterribleborehewas:Ishudderstill,attheremembranceofhisvoice,drone,drone,drone,inmyear,whilehesatbesideme,prosingawaybythehalf-hourtogether,andbeguilinghimselfwiththenotionthathewasimprovingmymindbyusefulinformation,orimpressinghisdogmasuponme,andreformingmyerrorsofjudgment,or,perhaps,thathewastalkingdowntomylevel,andamusingmewithentertainingdiscourse。Yethewasadecentmanenough,inthemain,Idaresay;andifhehadkepthisdistance,Ineverwouldhavehatedhim。Asitwas,itwasalmostimpossibletohelpit;forhenotonlybotheredmewiththeinflictionofhisownpresence,buthekeptmefromtheenjoymentofmoreagreeablesociety。
Onenight,however,ataball,hehadbeenmorethanusuallytormenting,andmypatiencewasquiteexhausted——Itappearedasifthewholeeveningwasfatedtobeinsupportable:Ihadjusthadonedancewithanempty-headedcoxcomb,andthenMrBoarhamhadcomeuponme,andseemeddeterminedtoclingtomefortherestofthenight。Heneverdancedhimself,andtherehesat,pokinghisheadinmyface,andimpressingallbeholderswiththeideathathewasaconfirmed,acknowledgedlover;myauntlookingcomplacentlyon,allthetime,andwishinghimGod-speed。InvainIattemptedtodrivehimawaybygivingaloosetomyexasperatedfeelings,eventopositiverudeness:nothingcouldconvincehimthathispresencewasdisagreeable。
Sullensilencewastakenforraptattention,andgavehimgreaterroomtotalk;sharpanswerswerereceivedassmartsalliesofgirlishvivacity,thatonlyrequiredanindulgentrebuke;andflatcontradictionswerebutasoiltotheflames,callingforthnewstrainsofargumenttosupporthisdogmas,andbringingdownuponmeendlessfloodsofreasoningtooverwhelmmewithconviction。
Buttherewasonepresentwhoseemedtohaveabetterappreciationofmyframeofmind。Agentlemanstoodby,whohadbeenwatchingourconferenceforsometime,evidentlymuchamusedatmycompanion’sremorselesspertinacityandmymanifestannoyance,andlaughingtohimselfattheasperityanduncompromisingspiritofmyreplies。Atlength,however,hewithdrew,andwenttotheladyofthehouse,apparentlyforthepurposeofaskinganintroductiontome,for,shortlyafter,theybothcameup,andsheintroducedhimasMrHuntingdon,thesonofalatefriendofmyuncle’s。Heaskedmetodance。Igladlyconsented,ofcourse;andhewasmycompanionduringtheremainderofmystay,whichwasnotlong,formyaunt,asusual,insisteduponanearlydeparture。
Iwassorrytogo,forIhadfoundmynewacquaintanceaverylivelyandentertainingcompanion。Therewasacertaingracefuleaseandfreedomaboutallhesaidanddid,thatgaveasenseofreposeandexpansiontothemind,aftersomuchconstraintandformalityasIhadbeendoomedtosuffer。Theremightbe,itistrue,alittletoomuchcarelessboldnessinhismannerandaddress,butIwasinsogoodahumour,andsogratefulformylatedeliverancefromMrBoarham,thatitdidnotangerme。
`Well,Helen,howdoyoulikeMrBoarhamnow?’saidmyaunt,aswetookourseatsinthecarriageanddroveaway。
`Worsethanever,’Ireplied。
Shelookeddispleasedbutsaidnomoreonthatsubject。
`Whowasthegentlemanyoudancedwithlast,’resumedshe,afterapause——`thatwassoofficiousinhelpingyouonwithyourshawl?’
`Hewasnotofficiousatall,aunt:heneverattemptedtohelpme,tillhesawMrBoarhamcomingtodoso;andthenhesteppedlaughinglyforwardandsaid,“Come,I’llpreserveyoufromthatinfliction。”’
`Whowasit,Iask?’saidshe,withfrigidgravity。
`ItwasMrHuntingdon,thesonofuncle’soldfriend。’
`IhaveheardyourunclespeakofyoungMrHuntingdon。I’veheardhimsay,“He’safinelad,thatyoungHuntingdon,butabitwildishIfancy。”
SoI’dhaveyoubeware。’
`Whatdoes“abitwildish“mean?’Ienquired。
`Itmeansdestituteofprinciple,andpronetoeveryvicethatiscommontoyouth。’
`ButI’veheardunclesayhewasasadwildfellowhimself,whenhewasyoung。’
Shesternlyshookherhead。
`Hewasjestingthen,Isuppose,’saidI,`andherehewasspeakingatrandom——atleast,Icannotbelievethereisanyharminthoselaughingblueeyes。’
`Falsereasoning,Helen!’saidshe,withasigh。
`Well,weoughttobecharitable,youknow,aunt——besides,Idon’tthinkitisfalse:Iamanexcellentphysiognomist,andIalwaysjudgeofpeople’scharactersbytheirlooks——notbywhethertheyarehandsomeorugly,butbythegeneralcastofthecountenance。Forinstance,Ishouldknowbyyourcountenancethatyouwerenotofacheerful,sanguinedisposition;
andIshouldknowbyMrWilmot’sthathewasaworthlessoldreprobate,andbyMrBoarham’sthathewasnotanagreeablecompanion,andbyMrHuntingdon’sthathewasneitherafoolnoraknave,though,possibly,neitherasagenorasaint——butthatisnomattertome,asIamnotlikelytomeethimagain——unlessasanoccasionalpartnerintheballroom。
Itwasnotso,however,forImethimagainnextmorning。Hecametocalluponmyuncle,apologizingfornothavingdonesobefore,bysayinghewasonlylatelyreturnedfromthecontinent,andhadnotheard,tillthepreviousnight,ofmyuncle’sarrivalintown;andafterthat,Ioftenmethim;sometimesinpublic,sometimesathome;forhewasveryassiduousinpayinghisrespectstohisoldfriend,whodidnot,however,considerhimselfgreatlyobligedbytheattention。
`Iwonderwhatthedeucetheladmeansbycomingsooften,’hewouldsay,——`canyoutell,Helen?——Hey?Hewantsnoneo’mycompany,norIhis——that’scertain。’
`Iwishyou’dtellhimso,then,’saidmyaunt。
Why,whatfor?IfIdon’twanthim,somebodydoesmayhapwinkingatme。Besides,he’saprettytidyfortune,Peggy,youknow——notsuchacatchasWilmot,butthenHelenwon’thearofthatmatch;for,somehow,theseoldchapsdon’tgodownwiththegirls——withalltheirmoney——andtheirexperiencetoboot。I’llbetanythingshe’dratherhavethisyoungfellowwithoutapenny,thanWilmotwithhishousefullofgold——Wouldn’tyou,Nell?’
`Yes,uncle;butthat’snotsayingmuchforMrHuntingdon,forI’dratherbeanoldmaidandapauper,thanMrsWilmot。’
`AndMrsHuntingdon?batwouldyouratherbethanMrsHuntingdon?
eh?’
`I’lltellyouwhenI’veconsideredthematter。’
`Ah!itneedsconsiderationthen——Butcomenow——wouldyouratherbeanoldmaid——letalonethepauper?’
`Ican’ttelltillI’masked。’
AndIlefttheroomimmediately,toescapefurtherexamination。
Butfiveminutesafter,inlookingfrommywindow,IbeheldMrBoarhamcominguptothedoor。Iwaitednearlyhalfanhourinuncomfortablesuspense,expectingeveryminutetobecalled,andvainlylongingtohearhimgo。
Then,footstepswereheardonthestairs,andmyauntenteredtheroomwithasolemncountenance,andclosedthedoorbehindher。
`HereisMrBoarham,Helen,’saidshe。`Hewishestoseeyou。’
`Oh,aunt!Can’tyoutellhimI’mindisposed?——I’msureIam——toseehim。’
`Nonsense,mydear!thisisnotriflingmatter。Heiscomeonaveryimportanterrand——toaskyourhandinmarriage,ofyouruncleandme。’
`Ihopemyuncleandyoutoldhimitwasnotinyourpowertogiveit。Whatrighthadhetoaskanyonebeforeme?’
`Helen!’
`Whatdidmyunclesay?’
`Hesaidhewouldnotinterfereinthematter;ifyoulikedtoacceptMrBoarham’sobligingoffer,you——’
`Didhesayobligingoffer?’
`No;hesaidifyoulikedtotakehimyoumight;andifnot,youmightpleaseyourself。’
`Hesaidright;andwhatdidyousay?’
`ItisnomatterwhatIsaid。Whatwillyousay?——thatisthequestion。Heisnowwaitingtoaskyouhimself;butconsiderwellbeforeyougo;andifyouintendtorefusehim,givemeyourreasons。’
`Ishallrefusehim,ofcourse,butyoumusttellmehow,forIwanttobecivilandyetdecided——andwhenI’vegotridofhim,I’llgiveyoumyreasonsafterwards。’