Keith-WessingtonIpulledup,looked,rubbedmyeyes,and,I
believemusthavesaidsomethingThenextthingIknewwasthatIwaslyingfacedownwardontheroadwithKittykneelingabovemeintears。
“Hasitgone,childI“IgaspedKittyonlyweptmorebitterly。
“Haswhatgone,Jackdear?whatdoesitallmean?Theremustbeamistakesomewhere,JackAhideousmistake。”Herlastwordsbroughtmetomyfeet-mad-ravingforthetimebeing。
“Yes,thereisamistakesomewhere。”Irepeated,“ahideousmistakeComeandlookatIt。”
IhaveanindistinctideathatIdraggedKittybythewristalongtheroaduptowhereItstood,andimploredherforpity’ssaketospeaktoIt;totellItthatwewerebetrothed;thatneitherDeathnorHellcouldbreakthetiebetweenus;andKittyonlyknowshowmuchmoretothesameeffectNowandagainIappealedpassionatelytotheTerrorinthe’rickshawtobearwitnesstoallIhadsaid,andtoreleasemefromatorturethatwaskillingmeAsItalkedIsupposeImusthavetoldKittyofmyoldrelationswithMrsWessington,forIsawherlistenintentlywithwhitefaceandblazingeyes。
“Thankyou,MrPansay。”shesaid,“that’squiteenoughSyceghoralao。”
Thesyces,impassiveasOrientalsalwaysare,hadcomeupwiththerecapturedhorses;andasKittysprangintohersaddleIcaughtholdofthebridle,entreatinghertohearmeoutandforgiveMyanswerwasthecutofherriding-whipacrossmyfacefrommouthtoeye,andawordortwooffarewellthatevennowIcannotwritedownSoIjudged,andjudgedrightly,thatKittyknewall;andI
staggeredbacktothesideofthe’rickshawMyfacewascutandbleeding,andtheblowoftheriding-whiphadraisedalividbluewhealonitIhadnoself-respectJustthen,Heatherlegh,whomusthavebeenfollowingKittyandmeatadistance,canteredup。
“Doctor。”Isaid,pointingtomyface,“here’sMissMannering’ssignaturetomyorderofdismissalandI’llthankyouforthatlakhassoonasconvenient。”
Heatherlegh’sface,eveninmyabjectmisery,movedmetolaughter。
“I’llstakemyprofessionalreputation“-
hebegan“Don’tbeafool。”Iwhispered“I’velostmylife’shappinessandyou’dbettertakemehome。”
AsIspokethe’rickshawwasgoneThenIlostallknowledgeofwhatwaspassingThecrestofJakkoseemedtoheaveandrolllikethecrestofacloudandfallinuponme。
Sevendayslateronthe7thofMay,thatistosayIwasawarethatIwaslyinginHeatherlegh’sroomasweakasalittlechild。
Heatherleghwaswatchingmeintentlyfrombehindthepapersonhiswriting-tableHisfirstwordswerenotencouraging;butIwastoofarspenttobemuchmovedbythem。
“Here’sMissKittyhassentbackyourlettersYoucorrespondedagooddeal,youyoungpeopleHere’sapacketthatlookslikearing,andacheerfulsortofanotefromManneringPapa,whichI’vetakenthelibertyofreadingandburningTheoldgentleman’snotpleasedwithyou。”
“AndKitty?”Iasked,dully。
“RathermoredrawnthanherfatherfromwhatshesaysBythesametokenyoumusthavebeenlettingoutanynumberofqueerreminiscencesjustbeforeImetyou’SaysthatamanwhowouldhavebehavedtoawomanasyoudidtoMrsWessingtonoughttokillhimselfoutofsheerpityforhiskindShe’sahot-headedlittlevirago,yourmash’WillhaveittoothatyouweresufferingfromDTwhenthatrowontheJakkoroadturnedup’Saysshe’lldiebeforesheeverspeakstoyouagain。”
Igroanedandturnedovertotheotherside。
“Nowyou’vegotyourchoice,myfriendThisengagementhastobebrokenoff;andtheManneringsdon’twanttobetoohardonyouWasitbrokenthroughDTorepilepticfits?SorryIcan’tofferyouabetterexchangeunlessyou’dpreferhereditaryinsanity。
SaythewordandI’lltell’emit~sfitsAllSimlaknowsaboutthatsceneontheLadies’MileCome!I’llgiveyoufiveminutestothinkoverit。”
DuringthosefiveminutesIbelievethatIexploredthoroughlythelowestcirclesoftheInfernowhichitispermittedmantotreadonearthAndatthesametimeImyselfwaswatchingmyselffalteringthroughthedarklabyrinthsofdoubt,misery,andutterdespairI
wondered,asHeatherleghinhischairmighthavewondered,whichdreadfulalternativeIshouldadoptPresentlyIheardmyselfansweringinavoicethatIhardlyrecognized,-“They’reconfoundedlyparticularaboutmoralityinthesepartsGive’emfits,Heatherlegh,andmyloveNowletmesleepabitlonger。”
Thenmytwoselvesjoined,anditwasonlyIhalfcrazed,devil-drivenIthattossedinmybed,tracingstepbystepthehistoryofthepastmonth。
“ButIaminSimla。”Ikeptrepeatingtomyself“I,JackPansay,aminSimlaandtherearenoghostshereIt’sunreasonableofthatwomantopretendthereareWhycouldn’tAgneshaveleftmealone?IneverdidheranyharmItmightjustaswellhavebeenmeasAgnesOnlyI’dneverhavecomehackonpurposetokillherWhycan’tIbeleftalone-leftaloneandhappy?”
ItwashighnoonwhenIfirstawoke:
andthesunwaslowintheskybeforeIslept-sleptasthetorturedcriminalsleepsonhisrack,tooworntofeelfurtherpain。
NextdayIcouldnotleavemybedHeatherleghtoldmeinthemorningthathehadreceivedananswerfromMrMannering,andthat,thankstohisHeatherlegh’sfriendlyoffices,thestoryofmyafflictionhadtraveledthroughthelengthandbreadthofSimla,whereIwasonallsidesmuchpitied。
“Andthat’srathermorethanyoudeserve,’heconcluded,pleasantly,“thoughtheLordknowsyou’vebeengoingthroughaprettyseveremillNevermind;we’llcureyouyet,youperversephenomenon。”
Ideclinedfirmlytobecured“You’vebeenmuchtoogoodtomealready,oldman。”saidI;“butIdon’tthinkIneedtroubleyoufurther。”
InmyheartIknewthatnothingHeatherleghcoulddowouldlightentheburdenthathadbeenlaiduponme。
Withthatknowledgecamealsoasenseofhopeless,impotentrebellionagainsttheunreasonablenessofitallTherewerescoresofmennobetterthanIwhosepunishmentshadatleastbeenreservedforanotherworld;andIfeltthatitwasbitterly,cruellyunfairthatIaloneshouldhavebeensingledoutforsohideousafateThismoodwouldintimegiveplacetoanotherwhereitseemedthatthe’rickshawandIweretheonlyrealitiesinaworldofshadows;thatKittywasaghost;thatMannering,Heatherlegh,andalltheothermenandwomenIknewwereallghosts;andthegreat,greyhillsthemselvesbutvainshadowsdevisedtotorturemeFrommoodtomoodItossedbackwardandforwardforsevenwearydays;mybodygrowingdailystrongerandstrong-er,untilthebedroomlooking-glasstoldmethatIhadreturnedtoeverydaylife,andwasasothermenoncemoreCuriouslyenoughmyfaceshowednosignsofthestruggleIhadgonethroughItwaspaleindeed,butasexpression-lessandcommonplaceaseverIhadexpectedsomepermanentalteration-visibleevidenceofthediseasethatwaseatingmeawayIfoundnothing。
Onthe15thofMay,IleftHeatherlegh’shouseateleveno’clockinthemorning;andtheinstinctofthebachelordrovemetotheClub。
ThereIfoundthateverymanknewmystoryastoldbyHeatherlegh,andwas,inclumsyfashion,abnormallykindandattentiveNeverthelessIrecognizedthatfortherestofmynaturallifeIshouldbeamongbutnotofmyfellows;andIenviedverybitterlyindeedthelaughingcooliesontheMallbelowIlunchedattheClub,andatfouro’clockwanderedaimlesslydowntheMallinthevaguehopeofmeetingKittyClosetotheBand-standtheblackandwhiteliveriesjoinedme;andIheardMrsWessington’soldappealatmysideIhadbeenexpectingthiseversinceIcameout;andwasonlysurprisedatherdelayThephantom’rickshawandIwentsidebysidealongtheChotaSimlaroadinsilence。
Closetothebazar,KittyandamanonhorsebackovertookandpassedusForanysignshegaveImighthavebeenadogintheroadShedidnotevenpaymethecomplimentofquickeningherpace;thoughtherainyafternoonhadservedforanexcuse。
SoKittyandhercompanion,andIandmyghostlyLight-o’-Love,creptroundJakkoincouplesTheroadwasstreamingwithwater;
thepinesdrippedlikeroof-pipesontherocksbelow,andtheairwasfulloffine,drivingrainTwoorthreetimesIfoundmyselfsayingtomyselfalmostaloud:“I’mJackPan-sayonleaveatSimla~atSimla!Everyday,ordinarySimlaImustn’tforgetthat-I
mustn’tforgetthat。”ThenIwouldtrytorecollectsomeofthegossipIhadheardattheClub:thepricesofSo-and-So’shorses-anything,infact,thatrelatedtotheworkadayAnglo-IndianworldIknewsowellIevenrepeatedthemultiplication-tablerapidlytomyself,tomakequitesurethatIwasnottakingleaveofmysensesItgavememuchcomfort;andmusthavepreventedmyhearingMrsWessingtonforatime。
OncemoreIwearilyclimbedtheConventslopeandenteredthel~
velroadHereKittyandthemanstartedoffatacanter,andIwasleftalonewithMrsWessington“Agnes。”saidI,“willyouputbackyourhoodandtellmewhatitallmeans?”Thehooddroppednoiselessly,andIwasfacetofacewithmydeadandburiedmistressShewaswearingthedressinwhichIhadlastseenheralive;carriedthesametinyhandkerchiefinherrighthand;andthesamecardcaseinherleftAwomaneightmonthsdeadwithacardcase!Ihadtopinmyselfdowntothemultiplication-table,andtosetbothhandsonthestoneparapetoftheroad,toassuremyselfthatthatatleastwasreal。
“Agnes。”Irepeated,“forpity’ssaketellmewhatitallmeans。”
MrsWessingtonleanedforward,withthatodd,quickturnoftheheadIusedtoknowsowell,andspoke。
IfmystoryhadnotalreadysomadlyoverleapedthehoundsofallhumanbeliefIshouldapologizetoyounowAsIknowthatnoone-no,notevenKitty,forwhomitiswrittenassomesortofjustificationofmyconduct-willbelieveme,IwillgoonMrs。
WessingtonspokeandIwalkedwithherfromtheSanjowlieroadtotheturningbelowtheCommander-in-Chief’shouseasImightwalkbythesideofanylivingwoman’s’rickshaw,deepinconversationThesecondandmosttormentingofmymoodsofsicknesshadsuddenlylaidholduponme,andlikethePrinceinTennyson’spoem,“Iseemedtomoveamidaworldofghosts。”
Therehadbeenagarden-partyattheCommander-in-Chief’s,andwetwojoinedthecrowdofhomeward-houndfolkAsIsawthemthenitseemedthattheyweretheshadows-impalpable,fantasticshadows-thatdividedforMrsWessington’s’rickshawtopassthroughWhatwesaidduringthecourseofthatweirdinterviewI
cannot-indeed,Idarenot-tellHeatherlegh’scommentwouldhavebeenashortlaughandaremarkthatIhadbeen“mashingabrain-eye-and-stomachchimera。”ItwasaghastlyandyetinsomeindefinablewayamarvelouslydearexperienceCoulditbepossible,Iwondered,thatIwasinthislifetowooasecondtimethewomanIhadkilledbymyownneglectandcruelty?
ImetKittyonthehomewardroad-ashadowamongshadows。
IfIweretodescribealltheincidentsofthenextfortnightintheirorder,mystorywouldnevercometoanend;andyourpatiencewouldheexhaustedMorningaftermorningandeveningaftereveningtheghostly’rickshawandIusedtowanderthroughSimlatogetherWhereverIwenttherethefourblackandwhiteliveriesfollowedmeandboremecompanytoandfrommyhotelAttheTheatreIfoundthemamidthecrowdoryellingjhampanies;
outsidetheClubveranda,afteralongeveningofwhist;attheBirthdayBall,waitingpatientlyformyreappearance;andinbroaddaylightwhenIwentcallingSavethatitcastnoshadow,the’rickshawwasineveryrespectasrealtolookuponasoneofwoodandironMorethanonce,indeed,Ihavehadtocheckmyselffrontwarningsomehard-ridingfriendagainstcanteringoveritMorethanonceIhavewalkeddowntheMalldeepinconversationwithMrsWessingtontotheunspeakableamazementofthepassers-by。
BeforeIhadbeenoutandaboutaweekIlearnedthatthe“fit“
theoryhadbeendiscardedinfavorofinsanityHowever,ImadenochangeinmymodeoflifeIcalled,rode,anddinedoutasfreelyaseverIhadapassionforthesocietyofmykindwhichI
hadneverfeltbefore;Ihungeredtobeamongtherealitiesoflife;
andatthesametimeIfeltvaguelyunhappywhenIhadbeenseparatedtoolongfrommyghostlycompanionItwouldbealmostimpossibletodescribemyvaryingmoodsfromthe15thofMayuptoto-day。
Thepresenceofthe’rickshawfilledmebyturnswithhorror,blindfear,adimsortofpleasure,andutterdespairIdarednotleaveSimla;andIknewthatmystaytherewaskillingmeIknew,moreover,thatitwasmydestinytodieslowlyandalittleeverydayMyonlyanxietywastogetthepenanceoverasquietlyasmightbeAlternatelyIhungeredforasightofKittyandwatchedheroutrageousflirtationswithmysuccessor-tospeakmoreaccurately,mysuccessors-withamusedinterestShewasasmuchoutofmylifeasIwasoutofhersBydayIwanderedwithMrs。
WessingtonalmostcontentBynightIimploredHeaventoletmereturntotheworldasIusedtoknowitAboveallthesevaryingmoodslaythesensationofdull,numbingwonderthattheSeenandtheUnseenshouldminglesostrangelyonthisearthtohoundonepoorsoultoitsgrave。