Iwastheoffender,andIknewitThatknowledgetransformedmypityintopassiveendurance,and,eventually,intoblindhat~thesameinstinct,Isuppose,whichpromptsamantosavagelystamponthespiderhehasbuthalfkilledAndwiththishateinmybosomtheseasonof1882cametoanend。
NextyearwemetagainatSimla-shewithhermonotonousfaceandtimidattemptsatreconciliation,andIwithloathingofherineveryfibreofmyframeSeveraltimesIcouldnotavoidmeetingheralone;andoneachoccasionherwordswereidenticallythesameStilltheunreasoningwailthatitwasalla“mistake“;andstillthehopeofeventually“makingfriends。”ImighthaveseenhadIcaredtolook,thatthathopeonlywaskeepingheraliveShegrewmorewanandthinmonthbymonthYouwillagreewithme,atleast,thatsuchconductwouldhavedrivenanyonetodespairItwasuncalledfor;childish;unwomanlyImaintainthatshewasmuchtoblameAndagain,sometimes,intheblack,fever-strickennight-watches,IhavebeguntothinkthatImighthavebeenalittlekindertoherButthatreallyisa“delusion。”I
couldnothavecontinuedpretendingtoloveherwhenIdidn’t;
couldI?Itwouldhavebeenunfairtousboth。
Lastyearwemetagain-onthesametermsasbeforeThesamewearyappeal,andthesamecurtanswersfrommylipsAtleastI
wouldmakeherseehowwhollywrongandhopelesswereherattemptsatresumingtheoldrelationshipAstheseasonworeon,wefellapart-thatistosay,shefounditdifficulttomeetme,forI
hadotherandmoreabsorbingintereststoattendtoWhenIthinkitoverquietlyinmysick-room,theseasonof1884seemsaconfusednightmarewhereinlightandshadewerefantasticallyintermingled-mycourtshipoflittleKittyMannering;myhopes,doubts,andfears;ourlongridestogether;mytremblingavowalofattachment;
herreply;andnowandagainavisionofawhitefaceflittingbyinthe’rickshawwiththeblackandwhiteliveriesIoncewatchedforsoearnestly;thewaveofMrsWessington’sglovedhand;and,whenshemetmealone,whichwasbutseldom,theirksomemonotonyofherappealIlovedKittyMannering;honestly,heartilylovedher,andwithmyloveforhergrewmyhatredforAgnesInAugustKittyandIwereengagedThenextdayImetthoseaccursed“magpie“jhampaniesatthebackofJakko,and,movedbysomepassingsentimentofpity,stoppedtotellMrs。
WessingtoneverythingSheknewitalready。
“SoIhearyou’reengaged,Jackdear。”Then,withoutamoment’spause-“I’msureit’sallamistake-ahideousmistakeWeshallbeasgoodfriendssomeday,Jack,asweeverwere。”
MyanswermighthavemadeevenamanwinceItcutthedyingwomanbeforemeliketheblowof’awhip“Pleaseforgiveme,Jack;Ididn’tmeantomakeyouangry;butit’strue,it’strue!”
AndMrsWessingtonbrokedowncompletelyIturnedawayandlefthertofinishherjourneyinpeace,feeling,butonlyforamomentortwo,thatIhadbeenanunutterablymeanhoundI
lookedback,andsawthatshehadturnedher’rickshawwiththeidea,Isuppose,ofovertakingme。
Thesceneanditssurroundingswerephotographedonmymemory。
Therain-sweptskywewereattheendofthewetweather,thesodden,dingypines,themuddyroad,andtheblackpowder-rivencliffsformedagloomybackgroundagainstwhichtheblackandwhiteliveriesofthejhampanies,theyellow-paneled’rickshawandMrsWessington’sdown-bowedgoldenheadstoodoutclearly。
Shewasholdingherhandkerchiefinherlefthandandwasleaninghackexhaustedagainstthe’rickshawcushionsIturnedmyhorseupabypathneartheSanjowlieReservoirandliterallyranaway。
OnceIfanciedIheardafaintcallof“Jack!”ThismayhavebeenimaginationIneverstoppedtoverifyitTenminuteslaterIcameacrossKittyonhorseback;and,inthedelightofalongridewithher,forgotallabouttheinterview。
AweeklaterMrsWessingtondied,andtheinexpressibleburdenofherexistencewasremovedfrommylifeIwentPlainswardperfectlyhappyBeforethreemonthswereoverIhadforgottenallabouther,exceptthatattimesthediscoveryofsomeofheroldlettersremindedmeunpleasantlyofourbygonerelationshipByJanuaryIhaddisinterredwhatwasleftofourcorrespondencefromamongmyscatteredbelongingsandhadburneditAtthebeginningofAprilofthisyear,1885,IwasatSimla-semi-desertedSimla-oncemore,andwasdeepinlover’stalksandwalkswithKittyItwasdecidedthatweshouldbemarriedattheendofJune。
Youwillunderstand,therefore,that,lovingKittyasIdid,IamnotsayingtoomuchwhenIpronouncemyselftohavebeen,atthattime,thehappiestmaninIndia。
FourteendelightfuldayspassedalmostbeforeInoticedtheirflight。
Then,arousedtothesenseofwhatwasproperamongmortalscircumstancedaswewere,IpointedouttoKittythatanengagementringwastheoutwardandvisiblesignofherdignityasanengagedgirl;andthatshemustforthwithcometoHamilton’stobemeasuredforoneUptothatmoment,Igiveyoumyword,wehadcompletelyforgottensotrivialamatterToHamilton’sweaccordinglywentonthe15thofApril,1885Rememberthat-whatevermydoctormaysaytothecontrary-Iwastheninperfecthealth,enjoyingawell-balancedmindandanabsolutetranquilspiritKittyandIenteredHamilton’sshoptogether,andthere,regardlessoftheorderofaffairs,ImeasuredKittyfortheringinthepresenceoftheamusedassistantTheringwasasapphirewithtwodiamondsWethenrodeoutdowntheslopethatleadstotheCombermereBridgeandPeliti’sshop。
WhilemyWalerwascautiouslyfeelinghiswayoverthelooseshale,andKittywaslaughingandchatteringatmyside-whileallSimla,thatistosayasmuchofitashadthencomefromthePlains,wasgroupedroundtheReading-roomandPeliti’sveranda,-Iwasawarethatsomeone,apparentlyatavastdistance,wascallingmebymyChristiannameItstruckmethatIhadheardthevoicebefore,butwhenandwhereIcouldnotatoncedetermineIntheshortspaceittooktocovertheroadbetweenthepathfromHamilton’sshopandthefirstplankoftheComber-mereBridgeIhadthoughtoverhalfadozenpeoplewhomighthavecommittedsuchasolecism,andhadeventuallydecidedthatitmusthavebeensinginginmyearsImmediatelyoppositePeliti’sshopmyeyewasarrestedbythesightoffourjharnpaniesin“magpie“livery,pullingayellow-paneled,cheap,bazar’rickshaw。
InamomentmymindflewbacktothepreviousseasonandMrs。
WessingtonwithasenseofirritationanddisgustWasitnotenoughthatthewomanwasdeadanddonewith,withoutherblackandwhiteservitorsreappearingtospoiltheday’shappiness?
WhoeveremployedthemnowIthoughtIwouldcallupon,andaskasapersonalfavortochangeherJhampanies’liveryIwouldhirethemenmyself,and,ifnecessary,buytheircoatsfromofftheirbacksItisimpossibletosayherewhatafloodofundesirablememoriestheirpresenceevoked。
“Kitty。”Icried,“therearepoorMrsWessington’sjhampaniesturnedupagain!Iwonderwhohasthemnow?”
KittyhadknownMrsWessingtonslightlylastseason,andhadalwaysbeeninterestedinthesicklywoman。
“What?Where?”sheasked“Ican’tseethemanywhere。”
Evenasshespokeherhorse,swervingfromaladenmule,threwhimselfdirectlyinfrontoftheadvancing’rickshawIhadscarcelytimetoutterawordofwarningwhen,tomyunutterablehorror,horseandriderpassedthroughmenandcarriageasiftheyhadbeenthinair。
“What’sthematter?”criedKitty;“whatmadeyoucalloutsofoolishly,Jack?IfIamengagedIdon’twantallcreationtoknowaboutitTherewaslotsofspacebetweenthemuleandtheveranda;and,ifyouthinkIcan’tride-There!”
WhereuponwilfulKittysetoff,herdaintylittleheadintheair,atahand-gallopinthedirectionoftheBandstand;fullyexpecting,assheherselfafterwardtoldme,thatIshouldfollowherWhatwasthematter?NothingindeedEitherthatIwasmadordrunk,orthatSimlawashauntedwithdevilsIreinedinmyimpatientcob,andturnedroundThe’rickshawhadturnedtoo,andnowstoodimmediatelyfacingme,neartheleftrailingoftheComber-mereBridge。
“Jack!Jack,darling!”Therewasnomistakeaboutthewordsthistime:theyrangthroughmybrainasiftheyhadbeenshoutedinmyear。“It’ssomehideousmistake,I’msurePleaseforgiveme,jack,andlet’sbefriendsagain。”
The’rickshaw-hoodhadfallenback,andinside,asIhopeandpraydailyforthedeathIdreadbynight,satMrsKeith-Wessington,handkerchiefinhand,andgoldenheadbowedonherbreast。
HowlongIstaredmotionlessIdonotknowFinally,IwasarousedbymyyscetakingtheWaler’sbridleandaskingwhetherI
wasillFromthehorribletothecommonplaceisbutastepI
tumbledoffmyhorseanddashed,halffainting,intoPeliti’sforaglassofcherry-brandyTheretwoorthreecouplesweregatheredroundthecoffee-tablesdiscussingthegossipofthedayTheirtrivialitiesweremorecomfortingtomejustthenthantheconsolationsofreligioncouldhavebeenIplungedintothemidstoftheconversationatonce;chatted,laughed,andjestedwithafacewhenIcaughtaglimpseofitinamirroraswhiteanddrawnasthatofacorpseThreeorfourmemnoticedmycondition;and,evidentlysettingitdowntotheresultsofover-manypegs,charitablyendeavouredtodrawmeapartfromtherestoftheloungersButIrefusedtobeledawayIwantedthecompanyofmykind-asachildrushesintothemidstofthedinner-partyafterafrightinthedarkImusthavetalkedforabouttenminutesorso,thoughitseemedaneternitytome,whenIheardKitty’sclearvoiceoutsideinquiringformeInanotherminuteshehadenteredtheshop,preparedtoroundlyupbraidmeforfailingsosignallyinmydutiesSomethinginmyfacestoppedher。
“Why,Jack。”shecried,“whathaveyoubeendoing?Whathashappened?Areyouill?”Thusdrivenintoadirectlie,IsaidthatthesunhadbeenalittletoomuchformeItwascloseuponfiveo’clockofacloudyAprilafternoon,andthesunhadbeenhiddenalldayIsawmymistakeassoonasthewordswereoutofmymouth:attemptedtorecoverit;blunderedhopelesslyandfollowedKittyinaregalrage,outofdoors,amidthesmilesofmyacquaintancesImadesomeexcuseIhaveforgottenwhatonthescoreofmyfeelingfaint;andcanteredawaytomyhotel,leavingKittytofinishtheridebyherself。
InmyroomIsatdownandtriedcalmlytoreasonoutthematter。
HerewasI,TheobaldJackPansay,awell-educatedBengalCivilianintheyearofgrace,1885,presumablysane,certainlyhealthy,driveninterrorfrommysweetheart’ssidebytheapparitionofawomanwhohadbeendeadandburiedeightmonthsagoThesewerefactsthatIcouldnotblinkNothingwasfurtherfrommythoughtthananymemoryofMrsWessingtonwhenKittyandIleftHamilton’sshopNothingwasmoreutterlycommonplacethanthestretchofwalloppositePeliti’sItwasbroaddaylightTheroadwasfullofpeople;andyethere,lookyou,indefianceofeverylawofprobability,indirectoutrageofNature’sordinance,therehadappearedtomeafacefromthegrave。
Kitty’sArabhadgonethroughthe’rickshaw:sothatmyfirsthopethatsomewomanmarvelouslylikeMrsWessingtonhadhiredthecarriageandthecoolieswiththeiroldliverywaslostAgainandagainIwentroundthistreadmillofthought;andagainandagaingaveupbaffledandindespairThevoicewasasinexplicableastheapparitionIhadoriginallysomewildnotionofconfidingitalltoKitty;ofbegginghertomarrymeatonce;andinherarmsdefyingtheghostlyoccupantofthe’rickshaw“Afterall。”I
argued,“thepresenceofthe’rickshawisinitselfenoughtoprovetheexistenceofaspectralillusionOnemayseeghostsofmenandwomen,butsurelyneverofcooliesandcarriagesThewholethingisabsurdFancytheghostofahill-man!”