SIR，Throughourcommonfriend，Mr。P。，Ihavereceivedyournoteofthisevening。UponduereflectionIfranklyadmittheproprietyoftheexplanationyousuggest。Thisbeingadmitted，Istillfindgreatdifficulty，owingtotherefinedlypeculiarnatureofourdisagreement，andofthepersonalaffrontofferedonmypart，insowordingwhatIhavetosaybywayofapology，astomeetalltheminuteexigencies，andallthevariableshadows，ofthecase。Ihavegreatreliance，however，onthatextremedelicacyofdiscrimination，inmattersappertainingtotherulesofetiquette，forwhichyouhavebeensolongandsopre-eminentlydistinguished。Withperfectcertainty，therefore，ofbeingcomprehended，Ibegleave，inlieuofofferinganysentimentsofmyown，toreferyoutotheopinionsofSieurHedelin，assetforthintheninthparagraphofthechapterof“Injuriaeperapplicationem，perconstructionem，etperse。”inhis“DuelliLexscripta，etnon；aliterque。”Thenicetyofyourdiscernmentinallthemattersheretreated，willbesufficient，Iamassured，toconvinceyouthatthemerecircumstanceofmereferringyoutothisadmirablepassage，oughttosatisfyyourrequest，asamanofhonor，forexplanation。
　　Withsentimentsofprofoundrespect，Yourmostobedientservant，VONJUNG。
　　TheHerrJohannHermannHermanncommencedtheperusalofthisepistlewithascowl，which，however，wasconvertedintoasmileofthemostludicrousself-complacencyashecametotherigmaroleaboutInjuriaeperapplicationem，perconstructionem，etperse。Havingfinishedreading，hebeggedme，withtheblandestofallpossiblesmiles，tobeseated，whilehemadereferencetothetreatiseinquestion。
　　Turningtothepassagespecified，hereaditwithgreatcaretohimself，thenclosedthebook，anddesiredme，inmycharacterofconfidentialacquaintance，toexpresstotheBaronvonJunghisexaltedsenseofhischivalrousbehavior，and，inthatofsecond，toassurehimthattheexplanationofferedwasofthefullest，themosthonorable，andthemostunequivocallysatisfactorynature。
　　Somewhatamazedatallthis，ImademyretreattotheBaron。HeseemedtoreceiveHermann’samicableletterasamatterofcourse，andafterafewwordsofgeneralconversation，wenttoaninnerroomandbroughtouttheeverlastingtreatise“DuelliLexscripta，etnon；
　　aliterque。”Hehandedmethevolumeandaskedmetolookoversomeportionofit。Ididso，buttolittlepurpose，notbeingabletogathertheleastparticleofmeaning。Hethentookthebookhimself，andreadmeachapteraloud。Tomysurprise，whathereadprovedtobeamosthorriblyabsurdaccountofaduelbetweentwobaboons。Henowexplainedthemystery；showingthatthevolume，asitappearedprimafacie，waswrittenupontheplanofthenonsenseversesofDuBartas；thatistosay，thelanguagewasingeniouslyframedsoastopresenttotheearalltheoutwardsignsofintelligibility，andevenofprofundity，whileinfactnotashadowofmeaningexisted。Thekeytothewholewasfoundinleavingouteverysecondandthirdwordalternately，whenthereappearedaseriesofludicrousquizzesuponasinglecombataspractisedinmoderntimes。
　　TheBaronafterwardsinformedmethathehadpurposelythrownthetreatiseinHermann’swaytwoorthreeweeksbeforetheadventure，andthathewassatisfied，fromthegeneraltenorofhisconversation，thathehadstudieditwiththedeepestattention，andfirmlybelievedittobeaworkofunusualmerit。Uponthishintheproceeded。Hermannwouldhavediedathousanddeathsratherthanacknowledgehisinabilitytounderstandanythingandeverythingintheuniversethathadeverbeenwrittenabouttheduello。
　　LittletonBarry。
　　Hey，diddlediddleThecatandthefiddleSINCEtheworldbegantherehavebeentwoJeremys。TheonewroteaJeremiadaboutusury，andwascalledJeremyBentham。HehasbeenmuchadmiredbyMr。JohnNeal，andwasagreatmaninasmallway。TheothergavenametothemostimportantoftheExactSciences，andwasagreatmaninagreatwayImaysay，indeed，intheverygreatestofways。
　　Diddlingortheabstractideaconveyedbytheverbtodiddleissufficientlywellunderstood。Yetthefact，thedeed，thethingdiddling，issomewhatdifficulttodefine。Wemayget，however，atatolerablydistinctconceptionofthematterinhand，bydefining-notthething，diddling，initselfbutman，asananimalthatdiddles。
　　HadPlatobuthituponthis，hewouldhavebeensparedtheaffrontofthepickedchicken。
　　VerypertinentlyitwasdemandedofPlato，whyapickedchicken，whichwasclearly“abipedwithoutfeathers。”wasnot，accordingtohisowndefinition，aman？ButIamnottobebotheredbyanysimilarquery。Manisananimalthatdiddles，andthereisnoanimalthatdiddlesbutman。Itwilltakeanentirehen-coopofpickedchickenstogetoverthat。
　　Whatconstitutestheessence，thenare，theprincipleofdiddlingis，infact，peculiartotheclassofcreaturesthatwearcoatsandpantaloons。Acrowthieves；afoxcheats；aweaseloutwits；amandiddles。Todiddleishisdestiny。“Manwasmadetomourn。”saysthepoet。Butnotso：hewasmadetodiddle。Thisishisaimhisobject-hisend。Andforthisreasonwhenaman’sdiddledwesayhe’s“done。”
　　Diddling，rightlyconsidered，isacompound，ofwhichtheingredientsareminuteness，interest，perseverance，ingenuity，audacity，nonchalance，originality，impertinence，andgrin。
　　Minuteness：Yourdiddlerisminute。Hisoperationsareuponasmallscale。Hisbusinessisretail，forcash，orapprovedpaperatsight。Shouldheeverbetemptedintomagnificentspeculation，hethen，atonce，loseshisdistinctivefeatures，andbecomeswhatweterm“financier。”Thislatterwordconveysthediddlingideaineveryrespectexceptthatofmagnitude。Adiddlermaythusberegardedasabankerinpettoa“financialoperation。”asadiddleatBrobdignag。Theoneistotheother，asHomerto“Flaccus“asaMastodontoamouseasthetailofacomettothatofapig。
　　Interest：Yourdiddlerisguidedbyself-interest。Hescornstodiddleforthemeresakeofthediddle。Hehasanobjectinview-hispocketandyours。Heregardsalwaysthemainchance。HelookstoNumberOne。YouareNumberTwo，andmustlooktoyourself。
　　Perseverance：Yourdiddlerperseveres。Heisnotreadilydiscouraged。Shouldeventhebanksbreak，hecaresnothingaboutit。
　　Hesteadilypursueshisend，andUtcanisacorionunquamabsterrebituruncto。soheneverletsgoofhisgame。
　　Ingenuity：Yourdiddlerisingenious。Hehasconstructivenesslarge。Heunderstandsplot。Heinventsandcircumvents。WerehenotAlexanderhewouldbeDiogenes。Werehenotadiddler，hewouldbeamakerofpatentrat-trapsorananglerfortrout。
　　Audacity：Yourdiddlerisaudacious。Heisaboldman。HecarriesthewarintoAfrica。Heconquersallbyassault。HewouldnotfearthedaggersofFreyHerren。WithalittlemoreprudenceDickTurpinwouldhavemadeagooddiddler；withatriflelessblarney，DanielO’Connell；withapoundortwomorebrainsCharlestheTwelfth。
　　Nonchalance：Yourdiddlerisnonchalant。Heisnotatallnervous。
　　Heneverhadanynerves。Heisneverseducedintoaflurry。Heisneverputoutunlessputoutofdoors。Heiscoolcoolasacucumber。Heiscalm“calmasasmilefromLadyBury。”Heiseasy-
　　easyasanoldglove，orthedamselsofancientBaiae。
　　Originality：Yourdiddlerisoriginalconscientiouslyso。Histhoughtsarehisown。Hewouldscorntoemploythoseofanother。A
　　staletrickishisaversion。Hewouldreturnapurse，Iamsure，upondiscoveringthathehadobtaineditbyanunoriginaldiddle。
　　Impertinence。Yourdiddlerisimpertinent。Heswaggers。Hesetshisarmsa-kimbo。Hethrusts。hishandsinhistrowsers’pockets。Hesneersinyourface。Hetreadsonyourcorns。Heeatsyourdinner，hedrinksyourwine，heborrowsyourmoney，hepullsyournose，hekicksyourpoodle，andhekissesyourwife。
　　Grin：Yourtruediddlerwindsupallwithagrin。Butthisnobodyseesbuthimself。Hegrinswhenhisdailyworkisdonewhenhisallottedlaborsareaccomplishedatnightinhisowncloset，andaltogetherforhisownprivateentertainment。Hegoeshome。Helockshisdoor。Hedivestshimselfofhisclothes。Heputsouthiscandle。
　　Hegetsintobed。Heplaceshisheaduponthepillow。Allthisdone，andyourdiddlergrins。Thisisnohypothesis。Itisamatterofcourse。Ireasonapriori，andadiddlewouldbenodiddlewithoutagrin。
　　TheoriginofthediddleisreferrabletotheinfancyoftheHumanRace。PerhapsthefirstdiddlerwasAdam。Atallevents，wecantracethesciencebacktoaveryremoteperiodofantiquity。Themoderns，however，havebroughtittoaperfectionneverdreamedofbyourthick-headedprogenitors。Withoutpausingtospeakofthe“oldsaws。”
　　therefore，Ishallcontentmyselfwithacompendiousaccountofsomeofthemore“moderninstances。”
　　Averygooddiddleisthis。Ahousekeeperinwantofasofa，forinstance，isseentogoinandoutofseveralcabinetwarehouses。Atlengthshearrivesatoneofferinganexcellentvariety。Sheisaccosted，andinvitedtoenter，byapoliteandvolubleindividualatthedoor。Shefindsasofawelladaptedtoherviews，anduponinquiringtheprice，issurprisedanddelightedtohearasumnamedatleasttwentypercent。lowerthanherexpectations。Shehastenstomakethepurchase，getsabillandreceipt，leavesheraddress，witharequestthatthearticlebesenthomeasspeedilyaspossible，andretiresamidaprofusionofbowsfromtheshopkeeper。Thenightarrivesandnosofa。Aservantissenttomakeinquiryaboutthedelay。Thewholetransactionisdenied。Nosofahasbeensoldnomoneyreceivedexceptbythediddler，whoplayedshop-keeperforthenonce。
　　Ourcabinetwarehousesareleftentirelyunattended，andthusaffordeveryfacilityforatrickofthiskind。Visitersenter，lookatfurniture，anddepartunheededandunseen。Shouldanyonewishtopurchase，ortoinquirethepriceofanarticle，abellisathand，andthisisconsideredamplysufficient。
　　Again，quitearespectablediddleisthis。Awell-dressedindividualentersashop，makesapurchasetothevalueofadollar；finds，muchtohisvexation，thathehaslefthispocket-bookinanothercoatpocket；andsosaystotheshopkeeper-
　　“Mydearsir，nevermind；justobligeme，willyou，bysendingthebundlehome？Butstay！IreallybelievethatIhavenothinglessthanafivedollarbill，eventhere。However，youcansendfourdollarsinchangewiththebundle，youknow。”
　　“Verygood，sir。”repliestheshop-keeper，whoentertains，atonce，aloftyopinionofthehigh-mindednessofhiscustomer。“Iknowfellows。”hesaystohimself，“whowouldjusthaveputthegoodsundertheirarm，andwalkedoffwithapromisetocallandpaythedollarastheycamebyintheafternoon。”
　　Aboyissentwiththeparcelandchange。Ontheroute，quiteaccidentally，heismetbythepurchaser，whoexclaims：
　　“Ah！Thisismybundle，IseeIthoughtyouhadbeenhomewithit，longago。Well，goon！Mywife，Mrs。Trotter，willgiveyouthefivedollarsIleftinstructionswithhertothateffect。ThechangeyoumightaswellgivetomeIshallwantsomesilverforthePostOffice。Verygood！One，two，isthisagoodquarter？-three，four
　　quiteright！SaytoMrs。Trotterthatyoumetme，andbesurenowanddonotloiterontheway。”
　　Theboydoesn’tloiteratallbutheisaverylongtimeingettingbackfromhiserrandfornoladyoftheprecisenameofMrs。Trotteristobediscovered。Heconsoleshimself，however，thathehasnotbeensuchafoolastoleavethegoodswithoutthemoney，andre-enteringhisshopwithaself-satisfiedair，feelssensiblyhurtandindignantwhenhismasteraskshimwhathasbecomeofthechange。
　　Averysimplediddle，indeed，isthis。Thecaptainofaship，whichisabouttosail，ispresentedbyanofficiallookingpersonwithanunusuallymoderatebillofcitycharges。Gladtogetoffsoeasily，andconfusedbyahundreddutiespressinguponhimallatonce，hedischargestheclaimforthwith。Inaboutfifteenminutes，anotherandlessreasonablebillishandedhimbyonewhosoonmakesitevidentthatthefirstcollectorwasadiddler，andtheoriginalcollectionadiddle。
　　Andhere，too，isasomewhatsimilarthing。Asteamboatiscastingloosefromthewharf。Atraveller，portmanteauinhand，isdiscoveredrunningtowardthewharf，atfullspeed。Suddenly，hemakesadeadhalt，stoops，andpicksupsomethingfromthegroundinaveryagitatedmanner。Itisapocket-book，and“Hasanygentlemanlostapocketbook？”hecries。Noonecansaythathehasexactlylostapocket-book；butagreatexcitementensues，whenthetreasuretroveisfoundtobeofvalue。Theboat，however，mustnotbedetained。
　　“Timeandtidewaitfornoman。”saysthecaptain。
　　“ForGod’ssake，stayonlyafewminutes。”saysthefinderofthebook“thetrueclaimantwillpresentlyappear。”
　　“Can’twait！”repliesthemaninauthority；“castoffthere，d’yehear？”
　　“WhatamItodo？”asksthefinder，ingreattribulation。“Iamabouttoleavethecountryforsomeyears，andIcannotconscientiouslyretainthislargeamountinmypossession。Ibegyourpardon，sir。”