IheardSirPercivalbarringupthewindow-shutters。Ithadbeenraining,rainingallthetime。Iwascrampedbymypositionandchilledtothebones。
WhenIfirsttriedtomove,theeffortwassopainfultomethatIwasobligedtodesist。Itriedasecondtime,andsucceededinrisingtomykneesonthewetroof。
AsIcrepttothewall,andraisedmyselfagainstit,Ilookedback,andsawthewindowoftheCount’sdressing-roomgleamintolight。Mysinkingcourageflickeredupinmeagain,andkeptmyeyesfixedonhiswindow,asIstolemywayback,stepbystep,pastthewallofthehouse。
Theclockstruckthequarterafterone,whenIlaidmyhandsonthewindow-sillofmyownroom。Ihadseennothingandheardnothingwhichcouldleadmetosupposethatmyretreathadbeendiscovered。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]WomaninWhite:Chapter22[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]Chapter22June20th——Eighto’clock。Thesunisshininginaclearsky。Ihavenotbeennearmybed——Ihavenotonceclosedmywearywakefuleyes。FromthesamewindowatwhichIlookedoutintothedarknessoflastnight,Ilookoutnowatthebrightstillnessofthemorning。
IcountthehoursthathavepassedsinceIescapedtotheshelterofthisroombymyownsensations——andthosehoursseemlikeweeks。
Howshortatime,andyethowlongtome——sinceIsankdowninthedarkness,here,onthefloor——drenchedtotheskin,crampedineverylimb,coldtothebones,auseless,helpless,panic-strickencreature。
IhardlyknowwhenIrousedmyself。IhardlyknowwhenIgropedmywaybacktothebedroom,andlightedthecandle,andsearchedwithastrangeignorance,atfirst,ofwheretolookforthemfordryclothestowarmme。Thedoingofthesethingsisinmymind,butnotthetimewhentheyweredone。
CanIevenrememberwhenthechilled,crampedfeelingleftme,andthethrobbingheatcameinitsplace?
Surelyitwasbeforethesunrose?Yes,Iheardtheclockstrikethree。
Irememberthetimebythesuddenbrightnessandclearness,thefeverishstrainandexcitementofallmyfacultieswhichcamewithit。Iremembermyresolutiontocontrolmyself,towaitpatientlyhourafterhour,tillthechanceofferedofremovingLaurafromthishorribleplace,withoutthedangerofimmediatediscoveryandpursuit。Irememberthepersuasionsettlingitselfinmymindthatthewordsthosetwomenhadsaidtoeachotherwouldfurnishus,notonlywithourjustificationforleavingthehouse,butwithourweaponsofdefenceagainstthemaswell。Irecalltheimpulsethatawakenedinmetopreservethosewordsinwriting,exactlyastheywerespoken,whilethetimewasmyown,andwhilemymemoryvividlyretainedthem。AllthisIrememberplainly:thereisnoconfusioninmyheadyet。Thecominginherefromthebedroom,withmypenandinkandpaper,beforesunrise——thesittingdownatthewidely-openedwindowtogetalltheairIcouldtocoolme——theceaselesswriting,fasterandfaster,hotterandhotter,drivingonmoreandmorewakefully,allthroughthedreadfulintervalbeforethehousewasastiragain——howclearlyI
recallit,fromthebeginningbycandle-light,totheendonthepagebeforethis,inthesunshineofthenewday!
WhydoIsitherestill?WhydoIwearymyhoteyesandmyburningheadbywritingmore?Whynotliedownandrestmyself,andtrytoquenchthefeverthatconsumesme,insleep?
Idarenotattemptit。Afearbeyondallotherfearshasgotpossessionofme。Iamafraidofthisheatthatparchesmyskin。IamafraidofthecreepingandthrobbingthatIfeelinmyhead。IfIliedownnow,howdoIknowthatImayhavethesenseandthestrengthtoriseagain?
Oh,therain,therain——thecruelrainthatchilledmelastnight!
Nineo’clock。Wasitninestruck,oreight?Nine,surely?Iamshiveringagain——shivering,fromheadtofoot,inthesummerair。HaveIbeensittinghereasleep?Idon’tknowwhatIhavebeendoing。
Oh,myGod!amIgoingtobeill?
Ill,atsuchatimeasthis!
Myhead——Iamsadlyafraidofmyhead。Icanwrite,butthelinesallruntogether。Iseethewords。Laura——IcanwriteLaura,andseeIwriteit。Eightornine——whichwasit?
Socold,socold——oh,thatrainlastnight!——andthestrokesoftheclock,thestrokesIcan’tcount,keepstrikinginmyhead——NOTE
AtthisplacetheentryintheDiaryceasestobelegible。Thetwoorthreelineswhichfollowcontainfragmentsofwordsonly,mingledwithblotsandscratchesofthepen。ThelastmarksonthepaperbearsomeresemblancetothefirsttwolettersLandAofthenameofLadyGlyde。
OnthenextpageoftheDiary,anotherentryappears。Itisinaman’shandwriting,large,bold,andfirmlyregular,andthedateis`Junethe21st。’Itcontainstheselines]
POSTSCRIPTBYASINCEREFRIEND
TheillnessofourexcellentMissHalcombehasaffordedmetheopportunityofenjoyinganunexpectedintellectualpleasure。
IrefertotheperusalwhichIhavejustcompletedofthisinterestingDiary。
Therearemanyhundredpageshere。Icanlaymyhandonmyheart,anddeclarethateverypagehascharmed,refreshed,delightedme。
Toamanofmysentimentsitisunspeakablygratifyingtobeabletosaythis。
Admirablewoman!
IalludetoMissHalcombe。
Stupendouseffort!
IrefertotheDiary。
Yes!thesepagesareamazing。ThetactwhichIfindhere,thediscretion,therarecourage,thewonderfulpowerofmemory,theaccurateobservationofcharacter,theeasygraceofstyle,thecharmingoutburstsofwomanlyfeeling,haveallinexpressiblyincreasedmyadmirationofthissublimecreature,ofthismagnificentMarian。Thepresentationofmyowncharacterismasterlyintheextreme。Icertify,withmywholeheart,tothefidelityoftheportrait。IfeelhowvividanimpressionImusthaveproducedtohavebeenpaintedinsuchstrong,suchrich,suchmassivecoloursasthese。
Ilamentafreshthecruelnecessitywhichsetsourinterestsatvariance,andopposesustoeachother。UnderhappiercircumstanceshowworthyI
shouldhavebeenofMissHalcombe——howworthyMissHalcombewouldhavebeenofME。
ThesentimentswhichanimatemyheartassuremethatthelinesIhavejustwrittenexpressaProfoundTruth。
Thosesentimentsexaltmeaboveallmerelypersonalconsiderations。
Ibearwitness,inthemostdisinterestedmanner,totheexcellenceofthestratagembywhichthisunparalleledwomansurprisedtheprivateinterviewbetweenPercivalandmyself——alsotothemarvellousaccuracyofherreportofthewholeconversationfromitsbeginningtoitsend。
Thosesentimentshaveinducedmetooffertotheunimpressionabledoctorwhoattendsonhermyvastknowledgeofchemistry,andmyluminousexperienceofthemoresubtleresourceswhichmedicalandmagneticsciencehaveplacedatthedisposalofmankind。Hehashithertodeclinedtoavailhimselfofmyassistance。Miserableman!
Finally,thosesentimentsdictatethelines——grateful,sympathetic,paternallines——whichappearinthisplace。Iclosethehook。Mystrictsenseofproprietyrestoresitbythehandsofmywifetoitsplaceonthewriter’stable。Eventsarehurryingmeaway。Circumstancesareguidingmetoseriousissues。Vastperspectivesofsuccessunrollthemselvesbeforemyeyes。Iaccomplishmydestinywithacalmnesswhichisterribletomyself。
Nothingbutthehomageofmyadmirationismyown。IdeposititwithrespectfultendernessatthefeetofMissHalcombe。
Ibreathemywishesforherrecovery。
Icondolewithherontheinevitablefailureofeveryplanthatshehasformedforhersister’sbenefit。Atthesametime,IentreathertobelievethattheinformationwhichIhavederivedfromherDiarywillinnorespecthelpmetocontributetothatfailure。ItsimplyconfirmstheplanofconductwhichIhadpreviouslyarranged。Ihavetothankthesepagesforawakeningthefinestsensibilitiesinmynature——nothingmore。
Toapersonofsimilarsensibilitythissimpleassertionwillexplainandexcuseeverything。
MissHalcombeisapersonofsimilarsensibility。
InthatpersuasionIsignmyself,FOSCO。THESTORYCONTINUEDBYFREDERICKFAIRLIE,ESQ。,OFLIMMERIDGEHOUSE**note1。ThemannerinwhichMrFairlie’sNarrative,andotherNarrativesthatareshortlytofollowit,wereoriginallyobtained,formsthesubjectofanexplanationwhichwillappearatalaterperiod。
ITisthegrandmisfortuneofmylifethatnobodywillletmealone。
Why——Iaskeverybody——whyworryme?Nobodyanswersthatquestion,andnobodyletsmealone。Relatives,friends,andstrangersallcombinetoannoyme。WhathaveIdone?Iaskmyself,Iaskmyservant,Louis,fiftytimesaday——whathaveIdone?Neitherofuscantell。Mostextraordinary!
ThelastannoyancethathasassailedmeistheannoyanceofbeingcalledupontowritethisNarrative。Isamaninmystateofnervouswretchednesscapableofwritingnarratives?WhenIputthisextremelyreasonableobjection,Iamtoldthatcertainveryseriouseventsrelatingtomyniecehavehappenedwithinmyexperience,andthatIamthefitpersontodescribethemonthataccount。IamthreatenedifIfailtoexertmyselfinthemannerrequired,withconsequenceswhichIcannotsomuchasthinkofwithoutperfectprostration。
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