'Againtherearetwosidestothequestion,MrsLammle。Whatdoyoupretendtobelieve?'
'Soyoufirstdeceivemeandtheninsultme!'criesthelady,withaheavingbosom。
'Notatall。Ihaveoriginatednothing。Thedouble-edgedquestionwasyours。'
'Wasmine!'thebriderepeats,andherparasolbreaksinherangryhand。
Hiscolourhasturnedtoalividwhite,andominousmarkshavecometolightabouthisnose,asifthefingeroftheverydevilhimselfhad,withinthelastfewmoments,touchedithereandthere。Buthehasrepressivepower,andshehasnone。
'Throwitaway,'hecoollyrecommendsastotheparasol;'youhavemadeituseless;youlookridiculouswithit。'
Whereuponshecallshiminherrage,'Adeliberatevillain,'andsocaststhebrokenthingfromherasthatitstrikeshiminfalling。
Thefinger-marksaresomethingwhiterfortheinstant,buthewalksonatherside。
Sheburstsintotears,declaringherselfthewretchedest,themostdeceived,theworst-used,ofwomen。Thenshesaysthatifshehadthecouragetokillherself,shewoulddoit。Thenshecallshimvileimpostor。Thensheaskshim,why,inthedisappointmentofhisbasespeculation,hedoesnottakeherlifewithhisownhand,underthepresentfavourablecircumstances。Thenshecriesagain。
Thensheisenragedagain,andmakessomementionofswindlers。
Finally,shesitsdowncryingonablockofstone,andisinalltheknownandunknownhumoursofhersexatonce。Pendingherchanges,thoseaforesaidmarksinhisfacehavecomeandgone,nowherenowthere,likewhitestepsofapipeonwhichthediabolicalperformerhasplayedatune。Alsohislividlipsarepartedatlast,asifhewerebreathlesswithrunning。Yetheisnot。
'Now,getup,MrsLammle,andletusspeakreasonably。'
Shesitsuponherstone,andtakesnoheedofhim。
'Getup,Itellyou。'
Raisingherhead,shelookscontemptuouslyinhisface,andrepeats,'Youtellme!Tellme,forsooth!'
Sheaffectsnottoknowthathiseyesarefastenedonherasshedroopsherheadagain;butherwholefigurerevealsthatsheknowsituneasily。
'Enoughofthis。Come!Doyouhear?Getup。'
Yieldingtohishand,sherises,andtheywalkagain;butthistimewiththeirfacesturnedtowardstheirplaceofresidence。
'MrsLammle,wehavebothbeendeceiving,andwehavebothbeendeceived。Wehavebothbeenbiting,andwehavebothbeenbitten。Inanut-shell,there'sthestateofthecase。'
'Yousoughtmeout——'
'Tut!Letushavedonewiththat。WEknowverywellhowitwas。
WhyshouldyouandItalkaboutit,whenyouandIcan'tdisguiseit?Toproceed。Iamdisappointedandcutapoorfigure。'
'AmInoone?'
'Someone——andIwascomingtoyou,ifyouhadwaitedamoment。
You,too,aredisappointedandcutapoorfigure。'
'Aninjuredfigure!'
'Youarenowcoolenough,Sophronia,toseethatyoucan'tbeinjuredwithoutmybeingequallyinjured;andthatthereforethemerewordisnottothepurpose。WhenIlookback,IwonderhowIcanhavebeensuchafoolastotakeyoutosogreatanextentupontrust。'
'AndwhenIlookback——'thebridecries,interrupting。
'Andwhenyoulookback,youwonderhowyoucanhavebeen——
you'llexcusetheword?'
'Mostcertainly,withsomuchreason。
'——SuchafoolastotakeMEtosogreatanextentupontrust。Butthefollyiscommittedonbothsides。Icannotgetridofyou;youcannotgetridofme。Whatfollows?'
'Shameandmisery,'thebridebitterlyreplies。
'Idon'tknow。Amutualunderstandingfollows,andIthinkitmaycarryusthrough。HereIsplitmydiscoursegivemeyourarm,Sophronia,intothreeheads,tomakeitshorterandplainer。
Firstly,it'senoughtohavebeendone,withoutthemortificationofbeingknowntohavebeendone。Soweagreetokeepthefacttoourselves。Youagree?'
'Ifitispossible,Ido。'
'Possible!Wehavepretendedwellenoughtooneanother。Can'twe,united,pretendtotheworld?Agreed。Secondly,weowetheVeneeringsagrudge,andweoweallotherpeoplethegrudgeofwishingthemtobetakenin,asweourselveshavebeentakenin。
Agreed?'
'Yes。Agreed。'
'Wecomesmoothlytothirdly。Youhavecalledmeanadventurer,Sophronia。SoIam。InplainuncomplimentaryEnglish,soIam。
Soareyou,mydear。Soaremanypeople。Weagreetokeepourownsecret,andtoworktogetherinfurtheranceofourownschemes。'
'Whatschemes?'
'Anyschemethatwillbringusmoney。Byourownschemes,I
meanourjointinterest。Agreed?'
Sheanswers,afteralittlehesitation,'Isupposeso。Agreed。'
'Carriedatonce,yousee!Now,Sophronia,onlyhalfadozenwordsmore。Weknowoneanotherperfectly。Don'tbetemptedintotwittingmewiththepastknowledgethatyouhaveofme,becauseitisidenticalwiththepastknowledgethatIhaveofyou,andintwittingme,youtwityourself,andIdon'twanttohearyoudoit。Withthisgoodunderstandingestablishedbetweenus,itisbetterneverdone。Towindupall:——Youhaveshowntempertoday,Sophronia。Don'tbebetrayedintodoingsoagain,becauseIhaveaDevilofatempermyself。'
So,thehappypair,withthishopefulmarriagecontractthussigned,sealed,anddelivered,repairhomeward。If,whenthoseinfernalfinger-markswereonthewhiteandbreathlesscountenanceofAlfredLammle,Esquire,theydenotedthatheconceivedthepurposeofsubduinghisdearwifeMrsAlfredLammle,byatoncedivestingherofanylingeringrealityorpretenceofself-respect,thepurposewouldseemtohavebeenpresentlyexecuted。Thematureyoungladyhasmightylittleneedofpowder,now,forherdowncastface,asheescortsherinthelightofthesettingsuntotheirabodeofbliss。
Chapter11
PODSNAPPERY
MrPodsnapwaswelltodo,andstoodveryhighinMrPodsnap'sopinion。Beginningwithagoodinheritance,hehadmarriedagoodinheritance,andhadthrivenexceedinglyintheMarineInsuranceway,andwasquitesatisfied。Henevercouldmakeoutwhyeverybodywasnotquitesatisfied,andhefeltconsciousthathesetabrilliantsocialexampleinbeingparticularlywellsatisfiedwithmostthings,and,aboveallotherthings,withhimself。
Thushappilyacquaintedwithhisownmeritandimportance,MrPodsnapsettledthatwhateverheputbehindhimheputoutofexistence。Therewasadignifiedconclusiveness——nottoaddagrandconvenience——inthiswayofgettingridofdisagreeableswhichhaddonemuchtowardsestablishingMrPodsnapinhisloftyplaceinMrPodsnap'ssatisfaction。'Idon'twanttoknowaboutit;Idon'tchoosetodiscussit;Idon'tadmitit!'MrPodsnaphadevenacquiredapeculiarflourishofhisrightarminoftenclearingtheworldofitsmostdifficultproblems,bysweepingthembehindhimandconsequentlysheerawaywiththosewordsandaflushedface。Fortheyaffrontedhim。
MrPodsnap'sworldwasnotaverylargeworld,morally;no,norevengeographically:seeingthatalthoughhisbusinesswassustaineduponcommercewithothercountries,heconsideredothercountries,withthatimportantreservation,amistake,andoftheirmannersandcustomswouldconclusivelyobserve,'NotEnglish!'
when,PRESTO!withaflourishofthearm,andaflushoftheface,theyweresweptaway。Elsewhere,theworldgotupateight,shavedcloseataquarter-past,breakfastedatnine,wenttotheCityatten,camehomeathalf-pastfive,anddinedatseven。MrPodsnap'snotionsoftheArtsintheirintegritymighthavebeenstatedthus。Literature;largeprint,respectfullydescriptiveofgettingupateight,shavingcloseataquarterpast,breakfastingatnine,goingtotheCityatten,cominghomeathalf-pastfive,anddiningatseven。PaintingandSculpture;modelsandportraitsrepresentingProfessorsofgettingupateight,shavingcloseataquarterpast,breakfastingatnine,goingtotheCityatten,cominghomeathalf-pastfive,anddiningatseven。Music;arespectableperformancewithoutvariationsonstringedandwindinstruments,sedatelyexpressiveofgettingupateight,shavingcloseataquarterpast,breakfastingatnine,goingtotheCityatten,cominghomeathalf-pastfive,anddiningatseven。NothingelsetobepermittedtothosesamevagrantstheArts,onpainofexcommunication。NothingelseToBe——anywhere!
Asasoeminentlyrespectableman,MrPodsnapwassensibleofitsbeingrequiredofhimtotakeProvidenceunderhisprotection。
ConsequentlyhealwaysknewexactlywhatProvidencemeant。
Inferiorandlessrespectablemenmightfallshortofthatmark,butMrPodsnapwasalwaysuptoit。AnditwasveryremarkableandmusthavebeenverycomfortablethatwhatProvidencemeant,wasinvariablywhatMrPodsnapmeant。
Thesemaybesaidtohavebeenthearticlesofafaithandschoolwhichthepresentchaptertakesthelibertyofcalling,afteritsrepresentativeman,Podsnappery。Theywereconfinedwithinclosebounds,asMrPodsnap'sownheadwasconfinedbyhisshirt-
collar;andtheywereenunciatedwithasoundingpompthatsmackedofthecreakingofMrPodsnap'sownboots。
TherewasaMissPodsnap。Andthisyoungrocking-horsewasbeingtrainedinhermother'sartofprancinginastatelymannerwithoutevergettingon。Butthehighparentalactionwasnotyetimpartedtoher,andintruthshewasbutanundersizeddamsel,withhighshoulders,lowspirits,chilledelbows,andaraspedsurfaceofnose,whoseemedtotakeoccasionalfrostypeepsoutofchildhoodintowomanhood,andtoshrinkbackagain,overcomebyhermother'shead-dressandherfatherfromheadtofoot——crushedbythemeredead-weightofPodsnappery。
AcertaininstitutioninMrPodsnap'smindwhichhecalled'theyoungperson'maybeconsideredtohavebeenembodiedinMissPodsnap,hisdaughter。Itwasaninconvenientandexactinginstitution,asrequiringeverythingintheuniversetobefileddownandfittedtoit。Thequestionabouteverythingwas,woulditbringablushintothecheekoftheyoungperson?Andtheinconvenienceoftheyoungpersonwas,that,accordingtoMrPodsnap,sheseemedalwaysliabletoburstintoblusheswhentherewasnoneedatall。Thereappearedtobenolineofdemarcationbetweentheyoungperson'sexcessiveinnocence,andanotherperson'sguiltiestknowledge。TakeMrPodsnap'swordforit,andthesoberesttintsofdrab,white,lilac,andgrey,wereallflamingredtothistroublesomeBullofayoungperson。
ThePodsnapslivedinashadyangleadjoiningPortmanSquare。
Theywereakindofpeoplecertaintodwellintheshade,wherevertheydwelt。MissPodsnap'slifehadbeen,fromherfirstappearanceonthisplanet,altogetherofashadyorder;for,MrPodsnap'syoungpersonwaslikelytogetlittlegoodoutofassociationwithotheryoungpersons,andhadthereforebeenrestrictedtocompanionshipwithnotverycongenialolderpersons,andwithmassivefurniture。MissPodsnap'searlyviewsoflifebeingprincipallyderivedfromthereflectionsofitinherfather'sboots,andinthewalnutandrosewoodtablesofthedimdrawing-
rooms,andintheirswarthygiantsoflooking-glasses,wereofasombrecast;anditwasnotwonderfulthatnow,whenshewasonmostdayssolemnlytooledthroughtheParkbythesideofhermotherinagreattallcustard-colouredphaeton,sheshowedabovetheapronofthatvehiclelikeadejectedyoungpersonsittingupinbedtotakeastartledlookatthingsingeneral,andverystronglydesiringtogetherheadunderthecounterpaneagain。
SaidMrPodsnaptoMrsPodsnap,'Georgianaisalmosteighteen。'
SaidMrsPodsnaptoMrPodsnap,assenting,'Almosteighteen。'
SaidMrPodsnapthentoMrsPodsnap,'ReallyIthinkweshouldhavesomepeopleonGeorgiana'sbirthday。'
SaidMrsPodsnapthentoMrPodsnap,'Whichwillenableustoclearoffallthosepeoplewhoaredue。'
SoitcametopassthatMrandMrsPodsnaprequestedthehonourofthecompanyofseventeenfriendsoftheirsoulsatdinner;andthattheysubstitutedotherfriendsoftheirsoulsforsuchoftheseventeenoriginalfriendsoftheirsoulsasdeeplyregrettedthatapriorengagementpreventedtheirhavingthehonourofdiningwithMrandMrsPodsnap,inpursuanceoftheirkindinvitation;andthatMrsPodsnapsaidofalltheseinconsolablepersonages,asshecheckedthemoffwithapencilinherlist,'Asked,atanyrate,andgotridof;'andthattheysuccessfullydisposedofagoodmanyfriendsoftheirsoulsinthisway,andfelttheirconsciencesmuchlightened。
Therewerestillotherfriendsoftheirsoulswhowerenotentitledtobeaskedtodinner,buthadaclaimtobeinvitedtocomeandtakeahaunchofmuttonvapour-bathathalf-pastnine。Fortheclearingoffoftheseworthies,MrsPodsnapaddedasmallandearlyeveningtothedinner,andlookedinatthemusic-shoptobespeakawell-conductedautomatontocomeandplayquadrillesforacarpetdance。
MrandMrsVeneering,andMrandMrsVeneering'sbran-newbrideandbridegroom,wereofthedinnercompany;butthePodsnapestablishmenthadnothingelseincommonwiththeVeneerings。MrPodsnapcouldtoleratetasteinamushroommanwhostoodinneedofthatsortofthing,butwasfaraboveithimself。HideoussoliditywasthecharacteristicofthePodsnapplate。Everythingwasmadetolookasheavyasitcould,andtotakeupasmuchroomaspossible。Everythingsaidboastfully,'HereyouhaveasmuchofmeinmyuglinessasifIwereonlylead;butIamsomanyouncesofpreciousmetalworthsomuchanounce;——wouldn'tyouliketomeltmedown?'Acorpulentstraddlingepergne,blotchedalloverasifithadbrokenoutinaneruptionratherthanbeenornamented,deliveredthisaddressfromanunsightlysilverplatforminthecentreofthetable。Foursilverwine-coolers,eachfurnishedwithfourstaringheads,eachheadobtrusivelycarryingabigsilverringineachofitsears,conveyedthesentimentupanddownthetable,andhandeditontothepot-
belliedsilversalt-cellars。Allthebigsilverspoonsandforkswidenedthemouthsofthecompanyexpresslyforthepurposeofthrustingthesentimentdowntheirthroatswitheverymorseltheyate。
Themajorityoftheguestswereliketheplate,andincludedseveralheavyarticlesweighingeversomuch。Buttherewasaforeigngentlemanamongthem:whomMrPodsnaphadinvitedaftermuchdebatewithhimself——believingthewholeEuropeancontinenttobeinmortalallianceagainsttheyoungperson——andtherewasadrolldisposition,notonlyonthepartofMrPodsnapbutofeverybodyelse,totreathimasifhewereachildwhowashardofhearing。
Asadelicateconcessiontothisunfortunately-bornforeigner,MrPodsnap,inreceivinghim,hadpresentedhiswifeas'MadamePodsnap;'alsohisdaughteras'MademoisellePodsnap,'withsomeinclinationtoadd'mafille,'inwhichboldventure,however,hecheckedhimself。TheVeneeringsbeingatthattimetheonlyotherarrivals,hehadaddedinacondescendinglyexplanatorymanner,'MonsieurVey-nair-reeng,'andhadthensubsidedintoEnglish。
'HowDoYouLikeLondon?'MrPodsnapnowinquiredfromhisstationofhost,asifhewereadministeringsomethinginthenatureofapowderorpotiontothedeafchild;'London,Londres,London?'
Theforeigngentlemanadmiredit。
'YoufinditVeryLarge?'saidMrPodsnap,spaciously。
Theforeigngentlemanfounditverylarge。
'AndVeryRich?'
Theforeigngentlemanfoundit,withoutdoubt,enormementriche。
'EnormouslyRich,Wesay,'returnedMrPodsnap,inacondescendingmanner。'OurEnglishadverbsdoNotterminateinMong,andWePronouncethe“ch“asiftherewerea“t“beforeit。
WesayRitch。'
'Reetch,'remarkedtheforeigngentleman。
'AndDoYouFind,Sir,'pursuedMrPodsnap,withdignity,'ManyEvidencesthatStrikeYou,ofourBritishConstitutionintheStreetsOfTheWorld'sMetropolis,London,Londres,London?'
Theforeigngentlemanbeggedtobepardoned,butdidnotaltogetherunderstand。
'TheConstitutionBritannique,'MrPodsnapexplained,asifhewereteachinginaninfantschool。'WeSayBritish,ButYouSayBritannique,YouKnow'forgivingly,asifthatwerenothisfault。
'TheConstitution,Sir。'
Theforeigngentlemansaid,'Mais,yees;Iknoweem。'
Ayoungishsallowishgentlemaninspectacles,withalumpyforehead,seatedinasupplementarychairatacornerofthetable,herecausedaprofoundsensationbysaying,inaraisedvoice,'ESKER,'andthenstoppingdead。
'Maisoui,'saidtheforeigngentleman,turningtowardshim。'Est-ceque?Quoidonc?'
Butthegentlemanwiththelumpyforeheadhavingforthetimedeliveredhimselfofallthathefoundbehindhislumps,spakeforthetimenomore。
'IWasInquiring,'saidMrPodsnap,resumingthethreadofhisdiscourse,'WhetherYouHaveObservedinourStreetsasWeshouldsay,UponourPavvyasYouwouldsay,anyTokens——'
Theforeigngentleman,withpatientcourtesyentreatedpardon;
'Butwhatwastokenz?'
'Marks,'saidMrPodsnap;'Signs,youknow,Appearances——
Traces。'
'Ah!OfaOrse?'inquiredtheforeigngentleman。
'WecallitHorse,'saidMrPodsnap,withforbearance。'InEngland,Angleterre,England,WeAspiratethe“H,“andWeSay“Horse。”OnlyourLowerClassesSay“Orse!“'
'Pardon,'saidtheforeigngentleman;'Iamalwizwrong!'
'OurLanguage,'saidMrPodsnap,withagraciousconsciousnessofbeingalwaysright,'isDifficult。OursisaCopiousLanguage,andTryingtoStrangers。IwillnotPursuemyQuestion。'
Butthelumpygentleman,unwillingtogiveitup,againmadlysaid,'ESKER,'andagainspakenomore。
'Itmerelyreferred,'MrPodsnapexplained,withasenseofmeritoriousproprietorship,'toOurConstitution,Sir。WeEnglishmenareVeryProudofourConstitution,Sir。ItWasBestowedUponUsByProvidence。NoOtherCountryissoFavouredasThisCountry。'
'Andozercountries?——'theforeigngentlemanwasbeginning,whenMrPodsnapputhimrightagain。
'WedonotsayOzer;wesayOther:thelettersare“T“and“H;“
YousayTayandAish,YouKnow;stillwithclemency。Thesoundis“th“——“th!“'
'AndOTHERcountries,'saidtheforeigngentleman。'Theydohow?'
'Theydo,Sir,'returnedMrPodsnap,gravelyshakinghishead;
'theydo——Iamsorrytobeobligedtosayit——AStheydo。'
'ItwasalittleparticularofProvidence,'saidtheforeigngentleman,laughing;'forthefrontierisnotlarge。'
'Undoubtedly,'assentedMrPodsnap;'ButSoitis。ItwastheCharteroftheLand。ThisIslandwasBlest,Sir,totheDirectExclusionofsuchOtherCountriesas——astheremayhappentobe。
AndifwewereallEnglishmenpresent,Iwouldsay,'addedMrPodsnap,lookingrounduponhiscompatriots,andsoundingsolemnlywithhistheme,'thatthereisintheEnglishmanacombinationofqualities,amodesty,anindependence,aresponsibility,arepose,combinedwithanabsenceofeverythingcalculatedtocallablushintothecheekofayoungperson,whichonewouldseekinvainamongtheNationsoftheEarth。'
Havingdeliveredthislittlesummary,MrPodsnap'sfaceflushed,ashethoughtoftheremotepossibilityofitsbeingatallqualifiedbyanyprejudicedcitizenofanyothercountry;and,withhisfavouriteright-armflourish,heputtherestofEuropeandthewholeofAsia,Africa,andAmericanowhere。
Theaudienceweremuchedifiedbythispassageofwords;andMrPodsnap,feelingthathewasinratherremarkableforceto-day,becamesmilingandconversational。
'Hasanythingmorebeenheard,Veneering,'heinquired,'oftheluckylegatee?'
'Nothingmore,'returnedVeneering,'thanthathehascomeintopossessionoftheproperty。IamtoldpeoplenowcallhimTheGoldenDustman。Imentionedtoyousometimeago,Ithink,thattheyoungladywhoseintendedhusbandwasmurderedisdaughtertoaclerkofmine?'
'Yes,youtoldmethat,'saidPodsnap;'andby-the-bye,Iwishyouwouldtellitagainhere,forit'sacuriouscoincidence——curiousthatthefirstnewsofthediscoveryshouldhavebeenbroughtstraighttoyourtablewhenIwasthere,andcuriousthatoneofyourpeopleshouldhavebeensonearlyinterestedinit。Justrelatethat,willyou?'
Veneeringwasmorethanreadytodoit,forhehadprosperedexceedinglyupontheHarmonMurder,andhadturnedthesocialdistinctionitconferreduponhimtotheaccountofmakingseveraldozenofbran-newbosom-friends。Indeed,suchanotherluckyhitwouldalmosthavesethimupinthatwaytohissatisfaction。So,addressinghimselftothemostdesirableofhisneighbours,whileMrsVeneeringsecuredthenextmostdesirable,heplungedintothecase,andemergedfromittwentyminutesafterwardswithaBankDirectorinhisarms。Inthemeantime,MrsVeneeringhaddivedintothesamewatersforawealthyShip-Broker,andhadbroughthimup,safeandsound,bythehair。ThenMrsVeneeringhadtorelate,toalargercircle,howshehadbeentoseethegirl,andhowshewasreallypretty,andconsideringherstation
presentable。Andthisshedidwithsuchasuccessfuldisplayofhereightaquilinefingersandtheirencirclingjewels,thatshehappilylaidholdofadriftingGeneralOfficer,hiswifeanddaughter,andnotonlyrestoredtheiranimationwhichhadbecomesuspended,butmadethemlivelyfriendswithinanhour。
AlthoughMrPodsnapwouldinageneralwayhavehighlydisapprovedofBodiesinriversasineligibletopicswithreferencetothecheekoftheyoungperson,hehad,asonemaysay,ashareinthisaffairwhichmadehimapartproprietor。Asitsreturnswereimmediate,too,inthewayofrestrainingthecompanyfromspeechlesscontemplationofthewine-coolers,itpaid,andhewassatisfied。
Andnowthehaunchofmuttonvapour-bathhavingreceivedagameyinfusion,andafewlasttouchesofsweetsandcoffee,wasquiteready,andthebatherscame;butnotbeforethediscreetautomatonhadgotbehindthebarsofthepianomusic-desk,andtherepresentedtheappearanceofacaptivelanguishinginarose-
woodjail。AndwhonowsopleasantorsowellassortedasMrandMrsAlfredLammle,heallsparkle,sheallgraciouscontentment,bothatoccasionalintervalsexchanginglookslikepartnersatcardswhoplayedagameagainstAllEngland。
Therewasnotmuchyouthamongthebathers,buttherewasnoyouththeyoungpersonalwaysexceptedinthearticlesofPodsnappery。BaldbathersfoldedtheirarmsandtalkedtoMrPodsnaponthehearthrug;sleek-whiskeredbathers,withhatsintheirhands,lungedatMrsPodsnapandretreated;prowlingbathers,wentaboutlookingintoornamentalboxesandbowlsasiftheyhadsuspicionsoflarcenyonthepartofthePodsnaps,andexpectedtofindsomethingtheyhadlostatthebottom;bathersofthegentlersexsatsilentlycomparingivoryshoulders。Allthistimeandalways,poorlittleMissPodsnap,whosetinyeffortsifshehadmadeanywereswallowedupinthemagnificenceofhermother'srocking,keptherselfasmuchoutofsightandmindasshecould,andappearedtobecountingonmanydismalreturnsoftheday。Itwassomehowunderstood,asasecretarticleinthestateproprietiesofPodsnapperythatnothingmustbesaidabouttheday。
Consequentlythisyoungdamsel'snativitywashushedupandlookedover,asifitwereagreedonallhandsthatitwouldhavebeenbetterthatshehadneverbeenborn。
TheLammlesweresofondofthedearVeneeringsthattheycouldnotforsometimedetachthemselvesfromthoseexcellentfriends;
butatlength,eitheraveryopensmileonMrLammle'spart,oraverysecretelevationofoneofhisgingerouseyebrows——certainlytheoneortheother——seemedtosaytoMrsLammle,'Whydon'tyouplay?'Andso,lookingabouther,shesawMissPodsnap,andseemingtosayresponsively,'Thatcard?'andtobeanswered,'Yes,'
wentandsatbesideMissPodsnap。
MrsLammlewasoverjoyedtoescapeintoacornerforalittlequiettalk。
Itpromisedtobeaveryquiettalk,forMissPodsnaprepliedinaflutter,'Oh!Indeed,it'sverykindofyou,butIamafraidIDON'T
talk。'
'Letusmakeabeginning,'saidtheinsinuatingMrsLammle,withherbestsmile。
'Oh!Iamafraidyou'llfindmeverydull。ButMatalks!'
Thatwasplainlytobeseen,forMawastalkingthenatherusualcanter,witharchedheadandmane,openedeyesandnostrils。
'Fondofreadingperhaps?'
'Yes。AtleastI——don'tmindthatsomuch,'returnedMissPodsnap。
'M-m-m-m-music。SoinsinuatingwasMrsLammlethatshegothalfadozenmsintothewordbeforeshegotitout。
'Ihaven'tnervetoplayevenifIcould。Maplays。'
Atexactlythesamecanter,andwithacertainflourishingappearanceofdoingsomething,Madid,infact,occasionallytakearockupontheinstrument。
'Ofcourseyoulikedancing?'
'Ohno,Idon't,'saidMissPodsnap。
'No?Withyouryouthandattractions?Truly,mydear,yousurpriseme!'
'Ican'tsay,'observedMissPodsnap,afterhesitatingconsiderably,andstealingseveraltimidlooksatMrsLammle'scarefullyarrangedface,'howImighthavelikeditifIhadbeena——youwon'tmentionit,WILLyou?'
'Mydear!Never!'
'No,Iamsureyouwon't。Ican'tsaythenhowIshouldhavelikedit,ifIhadbeenachimney-sweeponMay-day。'
'Gracious!'wastheexclamationwhichamazementelicitedfromMrsLammle。
'There!Iknewyou'dwonder。Butyouwon'tmentionit,willyou?'
'Uponmyword,mylove,'saidMrsLammle,'youmakemetentimesmoredesirous,nowItalktoyou,toknowyouwellthanI
waswhenIsatoveryonderlookingatyou。HowIwishwecouldberealfriends!Trymeasarealfriend。Come!Don'tfancymeafrumpyoldmarriedwoman,mydear;Iwasmarriedbuttheotherday,youknow;Iamdressedasabridenow,yousee。Aboutthechimney-sweeps?'
'Hush!Ma'llhear。'
'Shecan'thearfromwhereshesits。'
'Don'tyoubetoosureofthat,'saidMissPodsnap,inalowervoice。
'Well,whatImeanis,thattheyseemtoenjoyit。'
'Andthatperhapsyouwouldhaveenjoyedit,ifyouhadbeenoneofthem?'
MissPodsnapnoddedsignificantly。
'Thenyoudon'tenjoyitnow?'
'Howisitpossible?'saidMissPodsnap。'Ohitissuchadreadfulthing!IfIwaswickedenough——andstrongenough——tokillanybody,itshouldbemypartner。'
ThiswassuchanentirelynewviewoftheTerpsichoreanartassociallypractised,thatMrsLammlelookedatheryoungfriendinsomeastonishment。Heryoungfriendsatnervouslytwiddlingherfingersinapinionedattitude,asifsheweretryingtohideherelbows。ButthislatterUtopianobjectinshortsleevesalwaysappearedtobethegreatinoffensiveaimofherexistence。
'Itsoundshorrid,don'tit?'saidMissPodsnap,withapenitentialface。
MrsLammle,notverywellknowingwhattoanswer,resolvedherselfintoalookofsmilingencouragement。
'Butitis,anditalwayshasbeen,'pursuedMissPodsnap,'suchatrialtome!Isodreadbeingawful。Anditissoawful!NooneknowswhatIsufferedatMadameSauteuse's,whereIlearnttodanceandmakepresentation-curtseys,andotherdreadfulthings——
oratleastwheretheytriedtoteachme。Macandoit。'
'Atanyrate,mylove,'saidMrsLammle,soothingly,'that'sover。'
'Yes,it'sover,'returnedMissPodsnap,'butthere'snothinggainedbythat。It'sworsehere,thanatMadameSauteuse's。Mawasthere,andMa'shere;butPawasn'tthere,andcompanywasn'tthere,andtherewerenotrealpartnersthere。Ohthere'sMaspeakingtothemanatthepiano!Ohthere'sMagoinguptosomebody!OhIknowshe'sgoingtobringhimtome!Ohpleasedon't,pleasedon't,pleasedon't!Ohkeepaway,keepaway,keepaway!'ThesepiousejaculationsMissPodsnaputteredwithhereyesclosed,andherheadleaningbackagainstthewall。
ButtheOgreadvancedunderthepilotageofMa,andMasaid,'Georgiana,MrGrompus,'andtheOgreclutchedhisvictimandboreherofftohiscastleinthetopcouple。Thenthediscreetautomatonwhohadsurveyedhisground,playedablossomlesstuneless'set,'andsixteendisciplesofPodsnapperywentthroughthefiguresof-1,Gettingupateightandshavingcloseataquarterpast-2,Breakfastingatnine-3,GoingtotheCityatten-4,Cominghomeathalf-pastfive-5,Diningatseven,andthegrandchain。
Whilethesesolemnitieswereinprogress,MrAlfredLammlemostlovingofhusbandsapproachedthechairofMrsAlfredLammlemostlovingofwives,andbendingoverthebackofit,trifledforsomefewsecondswithMrsLammle'sbracelet。Slightlyincontrastwiththisbriefairytoying,onemighthavenoticedacertaindarkattentioninMrsLammle'sfaceasshesaidsomewordswithhereyesonMrLammle'swaistcoat,andseemedinreturntoreceivesomelesson。Butitwasalldoneasabreathpassesfromamirror。
Andnow,thegrandchainrivetedtothelastlink,thediscreetautomatonceased,andthesixteen,twoandtwo,tookawalkamongthefurniture。AndhereintheunconsciousnessoftheOgreGrompuswaspleasantlyconspicuous;for,thatcomplacentmonster,believingthathewasgivingMissPodsnapatreat,prolongedtotheutmoststretchofpossibilityaperipateticaccountofanarcherymeeting;whilehisvictim,headingtheprocessionofsixteenasitslowlycircledabout,likearevolvingfuneral,neverraisedhereyesexceptoncetostealaglanceatMrsLammle,expressiveofintensedespair。
Atlengththeprocessionwasdissolvedbytheviolentarrivalofanutmeg,beforewhichthedrawing-roomdoorbouncedopenasifitwereacannon-ball;andwhilethatfragrantarticle,dispersedthroughseveralglassesofcolouredwarmwater,wasgoingtheroundofsociety,MissPodsnapreturnedtoherseatbyhernewfriend。
'Ohmygoodness,'saidMissPodsnap。'THAT'Sover!Ihopeyoudidn'tlookatme。'
'Mydear,whynot?'
'OhIknowallaboutmyself,'saidMissPodsnap。
'I'lltellyousomethingIknowaboutyou,mydear,'returnedMrsLammleinherwinningway,'andthatis,youaremostunnecessarilyshy。'
'Maain't,'saidMissPodsnap。'——Idetestyou!Goalong!'ThisshotwaslevelledunderherbreathatthegallantGrompusforbestowinganinsinuatingsmileuponherinpassing。
'PardonmeifIscarcelysee,mydearMissPodsnap,'MrsLammlewasbeginningwhentheyoungladyinterposed。
'IfwearegoingtoberealfriendsandIsupposeweare,foryouaretheonlypersonwhoeverproposeditdon'tletusbeawful。It'sawfulenoughtoBEMissPodsnap,withoutbeingcalledso。CallmeGeorgiana。'
'DearestGeorgiana,'MrsLammlebeganagain。
'Thankyou,'saidMissPodsnap。
'DearestGeorgiana,pardonmeifIscarcelysee,mylove,whyyourmamma'snotbeingshy,isareasonwhyyoushouldbe。'
'Don'tyoureallyseethat?'askedMissPodsnap,pluckingatherfingersinatroubledmanner,andfurtivelycastinghereyesnowonMrsLammle,nowontheground。'Thenperhapsitisn't?'
'MydearestGeorgiana,youdefermuchtooreadilytomypooropinion。Indeeditisnotevenanopinion,darling,foritisonlyaconfessionofmydullness。'
'OhYOUarenotdull,'returnedMissPodsnap。'Iamdull,butyoucouldn'thavemademetalkifyouwere。'
Somelittletouchofconscienceansweringthisperceptionofherhavinggainedapurpose,calledbloomenoughintoMrsLammle'sfacetomakeitlookbrighterasshesatsmilingherbestsmileonherdearGeorgiana,andshakingherheadwithanaffectionateplayfulness。Notthatitmeantanything,butthatGeorgianaseemedtolikeit。
'WhatImeanis,'pursuedGeorgiana,'thatMabeingsoendowedwithawfulness,andPabeingsoendowedwithawfulness,andtherebeingsomuchawfulnesseverywhere——Imean,atleast,everywherewhereIam——perhapsitmakesmewhoamsodeficientinawfulness,andfrightenedatit——Isayitverybadly——Idon'tknowwhetheryoucanunderstandwhatImean?'
'Perfectly,dearestGeorgiana!'MrsLammlewasproceedingwitheveryreassuringwile,whentheheadofthatyoungladysuddenlywentbackagainstthewallagainandhereyesclosed。
'Ohthere'sMabeingawfulwithsomebodywithaglassinhiseye!
OhIknowshe'sgoingtobringhimhere!Ohdon'tbringhim,don'tbringhim!Ohhe'llbemypartnerwithhisglassinhiseye!
OhwhatshallIdo!'ThistimeGeorgianaaccompaniedherejaculationswithtapsofherfeetuponthefloor,andwasaltogetherinquiteadesperatecondition。But,therewasnoescapefromthemajesticMrsPodsnap'sproductionofanamblingstranger,withoneeyescrewedupintoextinctionandtheotherframedandglazed,who,havinglookeddownoutofthatorgan,asifhedescriedMissPodsnapatthebottomofsomeperpendicularshaft,broughthertothesurface,andambledoffwithher。Andthenthecaptiveatthepianoplayedanother'set,'expressiveofhismournfulaspirationsafterfreedom,andothersixteenwentthroughtheformermelancholymotions,andtheamblertookMissPodsnapforafurniturewalk,asifhehadstruckoutanentirelyoriginalconception。
Inthemeantimeastraypersonageofameekdemeanour,whohadwanderedtothehearthrugandgotamongtheheadsoftribesassembledthereinconferencewithMrPodsnap,eliminatedMrPodsnap'sflushandflourishbyahighlyunpoliteremark;nolessthanareferencetothecircumstancethatsomehalf-dozenpeoplehadlatelydiedinthestreets,ofstarvation。Itwasclearlyill-timedafterdinner。Itwasnotadaptedtothecheekoftheyoungperson。
Itwasnotingoodtaste。
'Idon'tbelieveit,'saidMrPodsnap,puttingitbehindhim。
Themeekmanwasafraidwemusttakeitasproved,becausethereweretheInquestsandtheRegistrar'sreturns。
'Thenitwastheirownfault,'saidMrPodsnap。
Veneeringandothereldersoftribescommendedthiswayoutofit。
Atonceashortcutandabroadroad。
Themanofmeekdemeanourintimatedthattrulyitwouldseemfromthefacts,asifstarvationhadbeenforcedupontheculpritsinquestion——asif,intheirwretchedmanner,theyhadmadetheirweakprotestsagainstit——asiftheywouldhavetakenthelibertyofstavingitoffiftheycould——asiftheywouldrathernothavebeenstarveduponthewhole,ifperfectlyagreeabletoallparties。
'Thereisnot,'saidMrPodsnap,flushingangrily,'thereisnotacountryintheworld,sir,wheresonobleaprovisionismadeforthepoorasinthiscountry。'
Themeekmanwasquitewillingtoconcedethat,butperhapsitrenderedthematterevenworse,asshowingthattheremustbesomethingappallinglywrongsomewhere。
'Where?'saidMrPodsnap。
ThemeekmanhintedWouldn'titbewelltotry,veryseriously,tofindoutwhere?
'Ah!'saidMrPodsnap。'Easytosaysomewhere;notsoeasytosaywhere!ButIseewhatyouaredrivingat。Iknewitfromthefirst。
Centralization。No。Neverwithmyconsent。NotEnglish。'
Anapprovingmurmurarosefromtheheadsoftribes;assaying,'Thereyouhavehim!Holdhim!'
Hewasnotawarethemeekmansubmittedofhimselfthathewasdrivingatanyization。Hehadnofavouriteizationthatheknewof。Buthecertainlywasmorestaggeredbytheseterribleoccurrencesthanhewasbynames,ofhowsoeversomanysyllables。Mightheask,wasdyingofdestitutionandneglectnecessarilyEnglish?
'YouknowwhatthepopulationofLondonis,Isuppose,'saidMrPodsnap。
Themeekmansupposedhedid,butsupposedthathadabsolutelynothingtodowithit,ifitslawswerewelladministered。
'Andyouknow;atleastIhopeyouknow;'saidMrPodsnap,withseverity,'thatProvidencehasdeclaredthatyoushallhavethepooralwayswithyou?'
Themeekmanalsohopedheknewthat。
'Iamgladtohearit,'saidMrPodsnapwithaportentousair。'Iamgladtohearit。ItwillrenderyoucautioushowyouflyinthefaceofProvidence。'
Inreferencetothatabsurdandirreverentconventionalphrase,themeekmansaid,forwhichMrPodsnapwasnotresponsible,hethemeekmanhadnofearofdoinganythingsoimpossible;but——
ButMrPodsnapfeltthatthetimehadcomeforflushingandflourishingthismeekmandownforgood。Sohesaid:
'Imustdeclinetopursuethispainfuldiscussion。Itisnotpleasanttomyfeelings;itisrepugnanttomyfeelings。IhavesaidthatIdonotadmitthesethings。IhavealsosaidthatiftheydooccurnotthatIadmitit,thefaultlieswiththesufferersthemselves。ItisnotforME'——MrPodsnappointed'me'forcibly,asaddingbyimplicationthoughitmaybeallverywellforYOU——'itisnotformetoimpugntheworkingsofProvidence。Iknowbetterthanthat,Itrust,andIhavementionedwhattheintentionsofProvidenceare。
Besides,'saidMrPodsnap,flushinghighupamonghishair-
brushes,withastrongconsciousnessofpersonalaffront,'thesubjectisaverydisagreeableone。Iwillgosofarastosayitisanodiousone。Itisnotonetobeintroducedamongourwivesandyoungpersons,andI——'Hefinishedwiththatflourishofhisarmwhichaddedmoreexpressivelythananywords,AndIremoveitfromthefaceoftheearth。
Simultaneouslywiththisquenchingofthemeekman'sineffectualfire;Georgianahavinglefttheamblerupalaneofsofa,inaNoThoroughfareofbackdrawing-room,tofindhisownwayout,camebacktoMrsLammle。AndwhoshouldbewithMrsLammle,butMrLammle。Sofondofher!
'Alfred,mylove,hereismyfriend。Georgiana,dearestgirl,youmustlikemyhusbandnexttome。
MrLammlewasproudtobesosoondistinguishedbythisspecialcommendationtoMissPodsnap'sfavour。ButifMrLammlewerepronetobejealousofhisdearSophronia'sfriendships,hewouldbejealousofherfeelingtowardsMissPodsnap。
'SayGeorgiana,darling,'interposedhiswife。
'Towards——shallI?——Georgiana。'MrLammleutteredthename,withadelicatecurveofhisrighthand,fromhislipsoutward。'ForneverhaveIknownSophroniawhoisnotapttotakesuddenlikingssoattractedandsocaptivatedassheisby——shallIoncemore?——Georgiana。'
Theobjectofthishomagesatuneasilyenoughinreceiptofit,andthensaid,turningtoMrsLammle,muchembarrassed:
'Iwonderwhatyoulikemefor!IamsureIcan'tthink。'
'DearestGeorgiana,foryourself。Foryourdifferencefromallaroundyou。'
'Well!Thatmaybe。ForIthinkIlikeyouforyourdifferencefromallaroundme,'saidGeorgianawithasmileofrelief。
'Wemustbegoingwiththerest,'observedMrsLammle,risingwithashowofunwillingness,amidstageneraldispersal。'Wearerealfriends,Georgianadear?'
'Real。'
'Goodnight,deargirl!'
Shehadestablishedanattractionovertheshrinkingnatureuponwhichhersmilingeyeswerefixed,forGeorgianaheldherhandwhilesheansweredinasecretandhalf-frightenedtone:
'Don'tforgetmewhenyouaregoneaway。Andcomeagainsoon。
Goodnight!'
CharmingtoseeMrandMrsLammletakingleavesogracefully,andgoingdownthestairssolovinglyandsweetly。Notquitesocharmingtoseetheirsmilingfacesfallandbroodastheydroppedmoodilyintoseparatecornersoftheirlittlecarriage。Buttohesurethatwasasightbehindthescenes,whichnobodysaw,andwhichnobodywasmeanttosee。
Certainbig,heavyvehicles,builtonthemodelofthePodsnapplate,tookawaytheheavyarticlesofguestsweighingeversomuch;andthelessvaluablearticlesgotawayaftertheirvariousmanners;andthePodsnapplatewasputtobed。AsMrPodsnapstoodwithhisbacktothedrawing-roomfire,pullinguphisshirtcollar,likeaveritablecockofthewalkliterallypluminghimselfinthemidstofhispossessions,nothingwouldhaveastonishedhimmorethananintimationthatMissPodsnap,oranyotheryoungpersonproperlybornandbred,couldnotbeexactlyputawayliketheplate,broughtoutliketheplate,polishedliketheplate,counted,weighed,andvaluedliketheplate。Thatsuchayoungpersoncouldpossiblyhaveamorbidvacancyintheheartforanythingyoungerthantheplate,orlessmonotonousthantheplate;
orthatsuchayoungperson'sthoughtscouldtrytoscaletheregionboundedonthenorth,south,east,andwest,bytheplate;wasamonstrousimaginationwhichhewouldonthespothaveflourishedintospace。ThisperhapsinsomesortarosefromMrPodsnap'sblushingyoungpersonbeing,sotospeak,allcheek;whereasthereisapossibilitythattheremaybeyoungpersonsofarathermorecomplexorganization。
IfMrPodsnap,pullinguphisshirt-collar,couldonlyhavebeardhimselfcalled'thatfellow'inacertainshortdialogue,whichpassedbetweenMrandMrsLammleintheiroppositecornersoftheirlittlecarriage,rollinghome!
'Sophronia,areyouawake?'
'AmIlikelytobeasleep,sir?'
'Verylikely,Ishouldthink,afterthatfellow'scompany。AttendtowhatIamgoingtosay。'
'Ihaveattendedtowhatyouhavealreadysaid,haveInot?WhatelsehaveIbeendoingallto-night。'
'Attend,Itellyou,'inaraisedvoice'towhatIamgoingtosay。
Keepclosetothatidiotgirl。Keepherunderyourthumb。Youhaveherfast,andyouarenottolethergo。Doyouhear?'
'Ihearyou。'
'Iforeseethereismoneytobemadeoutofthis,besidestakingthatfellowdownapeg。Weoweeachothermoney,youknow。'
MrsLammlewincedalittleatthereminder,butonlyenoughtoshakeherscentsandessencesanewintotheatmosphereofthelittlecarriage,asshesettledherselfafreshinherowndarkcorner。
Chapter12
THESWEATOFANHONESTMAN'SBROW
MrMortimerLightwoodandMrEugeneWrayburntookacoffee-
housedinnertogetherinMrLightwood'soffice。Theyhadnewlyagreedtosetupajointestablishmenttogether。TheyhadtakenabachelorcottagenearHampton,onthebrinkoftheThames,withalawn,andaboat-house;andallthingsfitting,andweretofloatwiththestreamthroughthesummerandtheLongVacation。
Itwasnotsummeryet,butspring;anditwasnotgentlespringethereallymild,asinThomson'sSeasons,butnippingspringwithaneasterlywind,asinJohnson's,Jackson's,Dickson's,Smith's,andJones'sSeasons。Thegratingwindsawedratherthanblew;
andasitsawed,thesawdustwhirledaboutthesawpit。Everystreetwasasawpit,andtherewerenotop-sawyers;everypassengerwasanunder-sawyer,withthesawdustblindinghimandchokinghim。
ThatmysteriouspapercurrencywhichcirculatesinLondonwhenthewindblows,gyratedhereandthereandeverywhere。Whencecanitcome,whithercanitgo?Ithangsoneverybush,fluttersineverytree,iscaughtflyingbytheelectricwires,hauntseveryenclosure,drinksateverypump,cowersateverygrating,shuddersuponeveryplotofgrass,seeksrestinvainbehindthelegionsofironrails。InParis,wherenothingiswasted,costlyandluxuriouscitythoughitbe,butwherewonderfulhumanantscreepoutofholesandpickupeveryscrap,thereisnosuchthing。There,itblowsnothingbutdust。There,sharpeyesandsharpstomachsreapeventheeastwind,andgetsomethingoutofit。
Thewindsawed,andthesawdustwhirled。Theshrubswrungtheirmanyhands,bemoaningthattheyhadbeenover-persuadedbythesuntobud;theyoungleavespined;thesparrowsrepentedoftheirearlymarriages,likemenandwomen;thecoloursoftherainbowwerediscernible,notinfloralspring,butinthefacesofthepeoplewhomitnibbledandpinched。Andeverthewindsawed,andthesawdustwhirled。
Whenthespringeveningsaretoolongandlighttoshutout,andsuchweatherisrife,thecitywhichMrPodsnapsoexplanatorilycalledLondon,Londres,London,isatitsworst。Suchablackshrillcity,combiningthequalitiesofasmokyhouseandascoldingwife;suchagrittycity;suchahopelesscity,withnorentintheleadencanopyofitssky;suchabeleagueredcity,investedbythegreatMarshForcesofEssexandKent。Sothetwooldschoolfellowsfeltittobe,as,theirdinnerdone,theyturnedtowardsthefiretosmoke。YoungBlightwasgone,thecoffee-
housewaiterwasgone,theplatesanddishesweregone,thewinewasgoing——butnotinthesamedirection。
'Thewindsoundsuphere,'quothEugene,stirringthefire,'asifwewerekeepingalighthouse。Iwishwewere。'
'Don'tyouthinkitwouldboreus?'Lightwoodasked。
'Notmorethananyotherplace。AndtherewouldbenoCircuittogo。Butthat'saselfishconsideration,personaltome。'
'Andnoclientstocome,'addedLightwood。'Notthatthat'saselfishconsiderationatallpersonaltoME。'
'Ifwewereonanisolatedrockinastormysea,'saidEugene,smokingwithhiseyesonthefire,'LadyTippinscouldn'tputofftovisitus,or,betterstill,mightputoffandgetswamped。Peoplecouldn'taskonetoweddingbreakfasts。TherewouldbenoPrecedentstohammerat,excepttheplain-sailingPrecedentofkeepingthelightup。Itwouldbeexcitingtolookoutforwrecks。'
'Butotherwise,'suggestedLightwood,'theremightbeadegreeofsamenessinthelife。'
'Ihavethoughtofthatalso,'saidEugene,asifhereallyhadbeenconsideringthesubjectinitsvariousbearingswithaneyetothebusiness;'butitwouldbeadefinedandlimitedmonotony。Itwouldnotextendbeyondtwopeople。Now,it'saquestionwithme,Mortimer,whetheramonotonydefinedwiththatprecisionandlimitedtothatextent,mightnotbemoreendurablethantheunlimitedmonotonyofone'sfellow-creatures。'
AsLightwoodlaughedandpassedthewine,heremarked,'Weshallhaveanopportunity,inourboatingsummer,oftryingthequestion。'
'Animperfectone,'Eugeneacquiesced,withasigh,'butsoweshall。Ihopewemaynotprovetoomuchforoneanother。'
'Now,regardingyourrespectedfather,'saidLightwood,bringinghimtoasubjecttheyhadexpresslyappointedtodiscuss:alwaysthemostslipperyeelofeelsofsubjectstolayholdof。
'Yes,regardingmyrespectedfather,'assentedEugene,settlinghimselfinhisarm-chair。'Iwouldratherhaveapproachedmyrespectedfatherbycandlelight,asathemerequiringalittleartificialbrilliancy;butwewilltakehimbytwilight,enlivenedwithaglowofWallsend。'
Hestirredthefireagainashespoke,andhavingmadeitblaze,resumed。
'Myrespectedfatherhasfound,downintheparentalneighbourhood,awifeforhisnot-generally-respectedson。'
'Withsomemoney,ofcourse?'
'Withsomemoney,ofcourse,orhewouldnothavefoundher。Myrespectedfather——letmeshortenthedutifultautologybysubstitutinginfutureM。R。F。,whichsoundsmilitary,andratherliketheDukeofWellington。'
'Whatanabsurdfellowyouare,Eugene!'
'Notatall,Iassureyou。M。R。F。havingalwaysintheclearestmannerprovidedashecallsitforhischildrenbypre-arrangingfromthehourofthebirthofeach,andsometimesfromanearlierperiod,whatthedevotedlittlevictim'scallingandcourseinlifeshouldbe,M。R。F。pre-arrangedformyselfthatIwastobethebarristerIamwiththeslightadditionofanenormouspractice,whichhasnotaccrued,andalsothemarriedmanIamnot。'
'Thefirstyouhaveoftentoldme。'
'ThefirstIhaveoftentoldyou。Consideringmyselfsufficientlyincongruousonmylegaleminence,Ihaveuntilnowsuppressedmydomesticdestiny。YouknowM。R。F。,butnotaswellasIdo。
IfyouknewhimaswellasIdo,hewouldamuseyou。'
'Filiallyspoken,Eugene!'
'Perfectlyso,believeme;andwitheverysentimentofaffectionatedeferencetowardsM。R。F。Butifheamusesme,Ican'thelpit。
Whenmyeldestbrotherwasborn,ofcoursetherestofusknewI
meantherestofuswouldhaveknown,ifwehadbeeninexistencethathewasheirtotheFamilyEmbarrassments——wecallitbeforethecompanytheFamilyEstate。Butwhenmysecondbrotherwasgoingtobebornby-and-by,“this,“saysM。R。F。,“isalittlepillarofthechurch。”WASborn,andbecameapillarofthechurch;averyshakyone。Mythirdbrotherappeared,considerablyinadvanceofhisengagementtomymother;butM。R。F。,notatallputoutbysurprise,instantlydeclaredhimaCircumnavigator。
Waspitch-forkedintotheNavy,buthasnotcircumnavigated。I
announcedmyselfandwasdisposedofwiththehighlysatisfactoryresultsembodiedbeforeyou。Whenmyyoungerbrotherwashalfanhourold,itwassettledbyM。R。F。thatheshouldhaveamechanicalgenius。Andsoon。ThereforeIsaythatM。R。F。
amusesme。'
'Touchingthelady,Eugene。'
'ThereM。R。F。ceasestobeamusing,becausemyintentionsareopposedtotouchingthelady。'
'Doyouknowher?'
'Notintheleast。'
'Hadn'tyoubetterseeher?'
'MydearMortimer,youhavestudiedmycharacter。CouldI
possiblygodownthere,labelled“ELIGIBLE。ONVIEW,“andmeetthelady,similarlylabelled?AnythingtocarryoutM。R。F。'sarrangements,Iamsure,withthegreatestpleasure——exceptmatrimony。CouldIpossiblysupportit?I,sosoonbored,soconstantly,sofatally?'
'Butyouarenotaconsistentfellow,Eugene。'
'Insusceptibilitytoboredom,'returnedthatworthy,'IassureyouI
amthemostconsistentofmankind。'
'Why,itwasbutnowthatyouweredwellingintheadvantagesofamonotonyoftwo。'
'Inalighthouse。Domethejusticetorememberthecondition。Inalighthouse。'
Mortimerlaughedagain,andEugene,havinglaughedtooforthefirsttime,asifhefoundhimselfonreflectionratherentertaining,relapsedintohisusualgloom,anddrowsilysaid,asheenjoyedhiscigar,'No,thereisnohelpforit;oneofthepropheticdeliveriesofM。R。F。mustforeverremainunfulfilled。Witheverydispositiontoobligehim,hemustsubmittoafailure。'
Ithadgrowndarkerastheytalked,andthewindwassawingandthesawdustwaswhirlingoutsidepalerwindows。Theunderlyingchurchyardwasalreadysettlingintodeepdimshade,andtheshadewascreepinguptothehousetopsamongwhichtheysat。'Asif,'saidEugene,'asifthechurchyardghostswererising。'
Hehadwalkedtothewindowwithhiscigarinhismouth,toexaltitsflavourbycomparingthefiresidewiththeoutside,whenhestoppedmidwayonhisreturntohisarm-chair,andsaid:
'Apparentlyoneoftheghostshaslostitsway,anddroppedintobedirected。Lookatthisphantom!'
Lightwood,whosebackwastowardsthedoor,turnedhishead,andthere,inthedarknessoftheentry,stoodasomethinginthelikenessofaman:towhomheaddressedthenotirrelevantinquiry,'Whothedevilareyou?'
'Iaskyourpardons,Governors,'repliedtheghost,inahoarsedouble-barrelledwhisper,'butmighteitheronyoubeLawyerLightwood?'
'Whatdoyoumeanbynotknockingatthedoor?'demandedMortimer。
'Iaskyourpardons,Governors,'repliedtheghost,asbefore,'butprobableyouwasnotawareyourdoorstoodopen。'
'Whatdoyouwant?'
Hereuntotheghostagainhoarselyreplied,initsdouble-barrelledmanner,'Iaskyourpardons,Governors,butmightoneonyoubeLawyerLightwood?'
'Oneofusis,'saidtheownerofthatname。
'Allright,GovernorsBoth,'returnedtheghost,carefullyclosingtheroomdoor;''ticklerbusiness。'
Mortimerlightedthecandles。Theyshowedthevisitortobeanill-
lookingvisitorwithasquintingleer,who,ashespoke,fumbledatanoldsoddenfurcap,formlessandmangey,thatlookedlikeafurryanimal,dogorcat,puppyorkitten,drownedanddecaying。
'Now,'saidMortimer,'whatisit?'
'GovernorsBoth,'returnedtheman,inwhathemeanttobeawheedlingtone,'whichonyoumightbeLawyerLightwood?'
'Iam。'
'LawyerLightwood,'duckingathimwithaservileair,'Iamamanasgetsmyliving,andasseekstogetmyliving,bythesweatofmybrow。Nottoriskbeingdoneoutofthesweatofmybrow,byanychances,Ishouldwishaforegoingfurthertobesworein。'
'Iamnotaswearerinofpeople,man。'
Thevisitor,clearlyanythingbutreliantonthisassurance,doggedlymuttered'AlfredDavid。'
'Isthatyourname?'askedLightwood。
'Myname?'returnedtheman。'No;IwanttotakeaAlfredDavid。'
WhichEugene,smokingandcontemplatinghim,interpretedasmeaningAffidavit。
'Itellyou,mygoodfellow,'saidLightwood,withhisindolentlaugh,'thatIhavenothingtodowithswearing。'
'HecanswearATyou,'Eugeneexplained;'andsocanI。Butwecan'tdomoreforyou。'
Muchdiscomfitedbythisinformation,thevisitorturnedthedrowneddogorcat,puppyorkitten,aboutandabout,andlookedfromoneoftheGovernorsBothtotheotheroftheGovernorsBoth,whilehedeeplyconsideredwithinhimself。Atlengthhedecided:
'ThenImustbetookdown。'
'Where?'askedLightwood。
'Here,'saidtheman。'Inpenandink。'
'First,letusknowwhatyourbusinessisabout。'
'It'sabout,'saidtheman,takingastepforward,droppinghishoarsevoice,andshadingitwithhishand,'it'saboutfromfivetotenthousandpoundreward。That'swhatit'sabout。It'saboutMurder。That'swhatit'sabout。'
'Comenearerthetable。Sitdown。Willyouhaveaglassofwine?'
'Yes,Iwill,'saidtheman;'andIdon'tdeceiveyou,Governors。'
Itwasgivenhim。Makingastiffarmtotheelbow,hepouredthewineintohismouth,tilteditintohisrightcheek,assaying,'Whatdoyouthinkofit?'tilteditintohisleftcheek,assaying,'WhatdoYOUthinkofit?'jerkeditintohisstomach,assaying,'WhatdoYOUthinkofit?'Toconclude,smackedhislips,asifallthreereplied,'Wethinkwellofit。'
'Willyouhaveanother?'
'Yes,Iwill,'herepeated,'andIdon'tdeceiveyou,Governors。'Andalsorepeatedtheotherproceedings。
'Now,'beganLightwood,'what'syourname?'
'Why,thereyou'reratherfast,LawyerLightwood,'hereplied,inaremonstrantmanner。'Don'tyousee,LawyerLightwood?Thereyou'realittlebitfast。I'mgoingtoearnfromfivetotenthousandpoundbythesweatofmybrow;andasapoormandoingjusticetothesweatofmybrow,isitlikelyIcanaffordtopartwithsomuchasmynamewithoutitsbeingtookdown?'
Deferringtotheman'ssenseofthebindingpowersofpenandinkandpaper,LightwoodnoddedacceptanceofEugene'snoddedproposaltotakethosespellsinhand。Eugene,bringingthemtothetable,satdownasclerkornotary。
'Now,'saidLightwood,'what'syourname?'
Butfurtherprecautionwasstillduetothesweatofthishonestfellow'sbrow。
'Ishouldwish,LawyerLightwood,'hestipulated,'tohavethatT'otherGovernorasmywitnessthatwhatIsaidIsaid。
Consequent,willtheT'otherGovernorbesogoodaschuckmehisnameandwherehelives?'
Eugene,cigarinmouthandpeninhand,tossedhimhiscard。
Afterspellingitoutslowly,themanmadeitintoalittleroll,andtieditupinanendofhisneckerchiefstillmoreslowly。
'Now,'saidLightwood,forthethirdtime,'ifyouhavequitecompletedyourvariouspreparations,myfriend,andhavefullyascertainedthatyourspiritsarecoolandnotinanywayhurried,what'syourname?'
'RogerRiderhood。'
'Dwelling-place?'
'Lime'usHole。'
'Callingoroccupation?'
Notquitesoglibwiththisansweraswiththeprevioustwo,MrRiderhoodgaveinthedefinition,'Watersidecharacter。'
'Anythingagainstyou?'Eugenequietlyputin,ashewrote。
Ratherbaulked,MrRiderhoodevasivelyremarked,withaninnocentair,thathebelievedtheT'otherGovernorhadaskedhimsumma't。
'Everintrouble?'saidEugene。
'Once。'Mighthappentoanyman,MrRiderhoodaddedincidentally。
'Onsuspicionof——'
'Ofseaman'spocket,'saidMrRiderhood。'WherebyIwasinrealitytheman'sbestfriend,andtriedtotakecareofhim。'
'Withthesweatofyourbrow?'askedEugene。
'Tillitpoureddownlikerain,'saidRogerRiderhood。
Eugeneleanedbackinhischair,andsmokedwithhiseyesnegligentlyturnedontheinformer,andhispenreadytoreducehimtomorewriting。Lightwoodalsosmoked,withhiseyesnegligentlyturnedontheinformer。
'Nowletmebetookdownagain,'saidRiderhood,whenhehadturnedthedrownedcapoverandunder,andhadbrusheditthewrongwayifithadarightwaywithhissleeve。'IgiveinformationthatthemanthatdonetheHarmonMurderisGafferHexam,themanthatfoundthebody。ThehandofJesseHexam,commonlycalledGafferontheriverandalongshore,isthehandthatdonethatdeed。Hishandandnoother。'
Thetwofriendsglancedatoneanotherwithmoreseriousfacesthantheyhadshownyet。
'Tellusonwhatgroundsyoumakethisaccusation,'saidMortimerLightwood。
'Onthegrounds,'answeredRiderhood,wipinghisfacewithhissleeve,'thatIwasGaffer'spardner,andsuspectedofhimmanyalongdayandmanyadarknight。OnthegroundsthatIknowedhisways。OnthegroundsthatIbrokethepardnershipbecauseIseethedanger;whichIwarnyouhisdaughtermaytellyouanotherstoryaboutthat,foranythinkIcansay,butyouknowwhatit'llbeworth,forshe'dtellyoulies,theworldroundandtheheavensbroad,tosaveherfather。Onthegroundsthatit'swellunderstoodalongthecause'aysandthestairsthathedoneit。Onthegroundsthathe'sfellofffrom,becausehedoneit。OnthegroundsthatI
willswearhedoneit。Onthegroundsthatyoumaytakemewhereyouwill,andgetmesworntoit。Idon'twanttobackoutoftheconsequences。IhavemadeupMYmind。Takemeanywheres。'
'Allthisisnothing,'saidLightwood。
'Nothing?'repeatedRiderhood,indignantlyandamazedly。
'Merelynothing。Itgoestonomorethanthatyoususpectthismanofthecrime。Youmaydosowithsomereason,oryoumaydosowithnoreason,buthecannotbeconvictedonyoursuspicion。'
'Haven'tIsaid——IappealtotheT'otherGovernorasmywitness——
haven'tIsaidfromthefirstminutethatIopenedmymouthinthishereworld-without-end-everlastingchair'heevidentlyusedthatformofwordsasnextinforcetoanaffidavit,'thatIwaswillingtoswearthathedoneit?Haven'tIsaid,Takemeandgetmesworntoit?Don'tIsaysonow?Youwon'tdenyit,LawyerLightwood?'
'Surelynot;butyouonlyoffertosweartoyoursuspicion,andItellyouitisnotenoughtosweartoyoursuspicion。'
'Notenough,ain'tit,LawyerLightwood?'hecautiouslydemanded。
'Positivelynot。'
'AnddidIsayitWASenough?Now,IappealtotheT'otherGovernor。Now,fair!DidIsayso?'
'Hecertainlyhasnotsaidthathehadnomoretotell,'Eugeneobservedinalowvoicewithoutlookingathim,'whateverheseemedtoimply。'-
'Hah!'criedtheinformer,triumphantlyperceivingthattheremarkwasgenerallyinhisfavour,thoughapparentlynotcloselyunderstandingit。'Fort'nateformeIhadawitness!'
'Goon,then,'saidLightwood。'Sayoutwhatyouhavetosay。Noafter-thought。'
'Letmebetookdownthen!'criedtheinformer,eagerlyandanxiously。'Letmebetookdown,forbyGeorgeandtheDragginI'macomingtoitnow!Don'tdonothingtokeepbackfromahonestmanthefruitsofthesweatofhisbrow!Igiveinformation,then,thathetoldmethathedoneit。IsTHATenough?'
'Takecarewhatyousay,myfriend,'returnedMortimer。
'LawyerLightwood,takecare,you,whatIsay;forIjudgeyou'llbeanswerableforfolleringitup!'Then,slowlyandemphaticallybeatingitalloutwithhisopenrighthandonthepalmofhisleft;
'I,RogerRiderhood,Lime'usHole,Watersidecharacter,tellyou,LawyerLightwood,thatthemanJesseHexam,commonlycalledupontheriverandalong-shoreGaffer,toldmethathedonethedeed。What'smore,hetoldmewithhisownlipsthathedonethedeed。What'smore,hesaidthathedonethedeed。AndI'llswearit!'
'Wheredidhetellyouso?'
'Outside,'repliedRiderhood,alwaysbeatingitout,withhisheaddeterminedlysetaskew,andhiseyeswatchfullydividingtheirattentionbetweenhistwoauditors,'outsidethedooroftheSixJollyFellowships,towardsaquarteraftertwelveo'clockatmidnight——butIwillnotinmyconscienceundertaketosweartosofineamatterasfiveminutes——onthenightwhenhepickedupthebody。TheSixJollyFellowshipswon'trunaway。Ifitturnsoutthathewarn'tattheSixJollyFellowshipsthatnightatmidnight,I'maliar。'
'Whatdidhesay?'
'I'lltellyoutakemedown,T'otherGovernor,Iasknobetter。Hecomeoutfirst;Icomeoutlast。Imightbeaminutearterhim;I
mightbehalfaminute,Imightbeaquarterofaminute;Icannotsweartothat,andthereforeIwon't。That'sknowingtheobligationsofaAlfredDavid,ain'tit?'
'Goon。'
'Ifoundhimawaitingtospeaktome。Hesaystome,“RogueRiderhood“——forthat'sthenameI'mmostlycalledby——notforanymeaninginit,formeaningithasnone,butbecauseofitsbeingsimilartoRoger。'
'Nevermindthat。'
''ScuseME,LawyerLightwood,it'sapartofthetruth,andassuchIdomindit,andImustminditandIwillmindit。“RogueRiderhood,“hesays,“wordspassedbetwixtusontherivertonight。”Whichtheyhad;askhisdaughter!“Ithreatenedyou,“
hesays,“tochopyouoverthefingerswithmyboat'sstretcher,ortakeaaimatyourbrainswithmyboathook。IdidsoonaccountsofyourlookingtoohardatwhatIhadintow,asifyouwassuspicious,andonaccountsofyourholdingontothegunwaleofmyboat。”Isaystohim,“Gaffer,Iknowit。”Hesaystome,“RogueRiderhood,youareamaninadozen“——Ithinkhesaidinascore,butofthatIamnotpositive,sotakethelowestfigure,forpreciousbetheobligationsofaAlfredDavid。“And,“hesays,“whenyourfellow-menisup,beittheirlivesorbeittheirwatches,sharpiseverthewordwithyou。Hadyoususpicions?“Isays,“Gaffer,Ihad;andwhat'smore,Ihave。”Hefallsashaking,andhesays,“Ofwhat?“Isays,“Offoulplay。”Hefallsashakingworse,andhesays,“ThereWASfoulplaythen。Idoneitforhismoney。Don'tbetrayme!“Thosewerethewordsaseverheused。'
Therewasasilence,brokenonlybythefalloftheashesinthegrate。Anopportunitywhichtheinformerimprovedbysmearinghimselfallovertheheadandneckandfacewithhisdrownedcap,andnotatallimprovinghisownappearance。
'Whatmore?'askedLightwood。
'Ofhim,d'yemean,LawyerLightwood?'
'Ofanythingtothepurpose。'
'Now,I'mblestifIunderstandyou,GovernorsBoth,'saidtheinformer,inacreepingmanner:propitiatingboth,thoughonlyonehadspoken。'What?Ain'tTHATenough?'
'Didyouaskhimhowhedidit,wherehedidit,whenhedidit?'
'Farbeitfromme,LawyerLightwood!Iwassotroubledinmymind,thatIwouldn'thaveknowedmore,no,notforthesumasI
expecttoearnfromyoubythesweatofmybrow,twicetold!Ihadputanendtothepardnership。Ihadcuttheconnexion。Icouldn'tundowhatwasdone;andwhenhebegsandprays,“Oldpardner,onmyknees,don'tsplituponme!“Ionlymakesanswer“NeverspeakanotherwordtoRogerRiderhood,norlookhimintheface!“
andIshunsthatman。'
Havinggiventhesewordsaswingtomakethemmountthehigherandgothefurther,RogueRiderhoodpouredhimselfoutanotherglassofwineunbidden,andseemedtochewit,as,withthehalf-
emptiedglassinhishand,hestaredatthecandles。
MortimerglancedatEugene,butEugenesatgloweringathispaper,andwouldgivehimnoresponsiveglance。Mortimeragainturnedtotheinformer,towhomhesaid:
'Youhavebeentroubledinyourmindalongtime,man?'
Givinghiswineafinalchew,andswallowingit,theinformeransweredinasingleword:
'Hages!'
'Whenallthatstirwasmade,whentheGovernmentrewardwasoffered,whenthepolicewereonthealert,whenthewholecountryrangwiththecrime!'saidMottimer,impatiently。
'Hah!'MrRiderhoodveryslowlyandhoarselychimedin,withseveralretrospectivenodsofhishead。'Warn'tItroubledinmymindthen!'
'Whenconjectureranwild,whenthemostextravagantsuspicionswereafloat,whenhalfadozeninnocentpeoplemighthavebeenlaidbytheheelsanyhourintheday!'saidMortimer,almostwarming。
'Hah!'MrRiderhoodchimedin,asbefore。'Warn'tItroubledinmymindthroughitall!'
'Buthehadn't,'saidEugene,drawingalady'sheaduponhiswriting-paper,andtouchingitatintervals,'theopportunitythenofearningsomuchmoney,yousee。'
'TheT'otherGovernorhitsthenail,LawyerLightwood!Itwasthatasturnedme。Ihadmanytimesandagainstruggledtorelievemyselfofthetroubleonmymind,butIcouldn'tgetitoff。IhadonceverynighgotitofftoMissAbbeyPottersonwhichkeepstheSixJollyFellowships——thereisthe'ouse,itwon'trunaway,——therelivesthelady,sheain'tlikelytobestruckdeadaforeyougetthere——
askher!——butIcouldn'tdoit。Atlast,outcomesthenewbillwithyourownlawfulname,LawyerLightwood,printedtoit,andthenI
asksthequestionofmyownintellects,AmItohavethistroubleonmymindforever?AmInevertothrowitoff?AmIalwaystothinkmoreofGafferthanofmyownself?Ifhe'sgotadaughter,ain'tIgotadaughter?'
'Andechoanswered——?'Eugenesuggested。
'“Youhave,“'saidMrRiderhood,inafirmtone。
'Incidentallymentioning,atthesametime,herage?'inquiredEugene。
'Yes,governor。Two-and-twentylastOctober。AndthenIputittomyself,“Regardingthemoney。Itisapotofmoney。”ForitISapot,'saidMrRiderhood,withcandour,'andwhydenyit?'
'Hear!'fromEugeneashetouchedhisdrawing。
'“Itisapotofmoney;butisitasinforalabouringmanthatmoistenseverycrustofbreadheearns,withhistears——orifnotwiththem,withthecoldshecatchesinhishead——isitasinforthatmantoearnit?Saythereisanythingagainearningit。”ThisIputtomyselfstrong,asindutybound;“howcanitbesaidwithoutblamingLawyerLightwoodforofferingittobeearned?“AndwasitforMEtoblameLawyerLightwood?No。'
'No,'saidEugene。
'Certainlynot,Governor,'MrRiderhoodacquiesced。'SoImadeupmymindtogetmytroubleoffmymind,andtoearnbythesweatofmybrowwhatwasheldouttome。Andwhat'smore,headded,suddenlyturningbloodthirsty,'Imeantohaveit!AndnowItellyou,onceandaway,LawyerLightwood,thatJesseHexam,commonlycalledGaffer,hishandandnoother,donethedeed,onhisownconfessiontome。AndIgivehimuptoyou,andIwanthimtook。Thisnight!'
Afteranothersilence,brokenonlybythefalloftheashesinthegrate,whichattractedtheinformer'sattentionasifitwerethechinkingofmoney,MortimerLightwoodleanedoverhisfriend,andsaidinawhisper:
'IsupposeImustgowiththisfellowtoourimperturbablefriendatthepolice-station。'
'Isuppose,'saidEugene,'thereisnohelpforit。'
'Doyoubelievehim?'
'Ibelievehimtobeathoroughrascal。Buthemaytellthetruth,forhisownpurpose,andforthisoccasiononly。'
'Itdoesn'tlooklikeit。'
'HEdoesn't,'saidEugene。'Butneitherishislatepartner,whomhedenounces,aprepossessingperson。Thefirmarecut-throatShepherdsboth,inappearance。Ishouldliketoaskhimonething。'
Thesubjectofthisconferencesatleeringattheashes,tryingwithallhismighttooverhearwhatwassaid,butfeigningabstractionasthe'GovernorsBoth'glancedathim。
'Youmentionedtwice,IthinkadaughterofthisHexam's,'saidEugene,aloud。'Youdon'tmeantoimplythatshehadanyguiltyknowledgeofthecrime?'
Thehonestman,afterconsidering——perhapsconsideringhowhisanswermightaffectthefruitsofthesweatofhisbrow——replied,unreservedly,'No,Idon't。'
'Andyouimplicatenootherperson?'
'Itain'twhatIimplicate,it'swhatGafferimplicated,'wasthedoggedanddeterminedanswer。'Idon'tpretendtoknowmorethanthathiswordstomewas,“Idoneit。”Thosewashiswords。'