Certainly。
　　Andwhat，sir——saidPott——what，sir，letmeaskyouasanimpartialman，isthestateofthepublicmindinLondon，withreferencetomycontestwiththeIndependent？
　　Greatlyexcited，nodoubt，interposedMr。Perker，withalookofslynesswhichwasverylikelyaccidental。
　　Thecontest，saidPott，shallbeprolongedsolongasIhavehealthandstrength，andthatportionoftalentwithwhichIamgifted。Fromthatcontest，sir，althoughitmayunsettlemen’smindsandexcitetheirfeelings，andrenderthemincapableforthedischargeoftheevery-daydutiesofordinarylife。fromthatcontest，sir，Iwillnevershrink，tillIhavesetmyheelupontheEatanswillIndependent。IwishthepeopleofLondon，andthepeopleofthiscountrytoknow，sir，thattheymayrelyuponme——thatIwillnotdesertthem，thatIamresolvedtostandbythem，sir，tothelast。
　　Yourconductismostnoble，sir，saidMr。Pickwick。andhegraspedthehandofthemagnanimousPott。
　　Youare，sir，Iperceive，amanofsenseandtalent，saidMr。Pott，almostbreathlesswiththevehemenceofhispatrioticdeclaration。Iammosthappy，sir，tomaketheacquaintanceofsuchaman。
　　AndI，saidMr。Pickwick，feeldeeplyhonouredbythisexpressionofyouropinion。Allowme，sir，tointroduceyoutomyfellow-travellers，theothercorrespondingmembersoftheclubIamproudtohavefounded。
　　Ishallbedelighted，saidMr。Pott。
　　Mr。Pickwickwithdrew，andreturningwithhisfriends，presentedthemindueformtotheeditoroftheEatanswillGazette。
　　Now，mydearPott，saidlittleMr。Perker，thequestionis，whatarewetodowithourfriendshere？
　　Wecanstopinthishouse，Isuppose，saidMr。Pickwick。
　　Notasparebedinthehouse，mydearsir——notasinglebed。
　　Extremelyawkward，saidMr。Pickwick。
　　Very。saidhisfellow-voyagers。
　　Ihaveanideauponthissubject，saidMr。Pott，whichIthinkmaybeverysuccessfullyadopted。TheyhavetwobedsatthePeacock，andI
　　canboldlysay，onbehalfofMrs。Pott，thatshewillbedelightedtoaccommodateMr。Pickwickandanyofhisfriends，iftheothertwogentlemenandtheirservantdonotobjecttoshifting，astheybestcan，atthePeacock。
　　AfterrepeatedpressingsonthepartofMr。Pott，andrepeatedprotestationsonthatofMr。Pickwickthathecouldnotthinkofincommodingortroublinghisamiablewife，itwasdecidedthatitwastheonlyfeasiblearrangementthatcouldbemade。Soitwasmade。andafterdiningtogetherattheTownArms，thefriendsseparated，Mr。TupmanandMr。SnodgrassrepairingtothePeacock，andMr。PickwickandMr。WinkleproceedingtothemansionofMr。Pott。ithavingbeenpreviouslyarrangedthattheyshouldallreassembleattheTownArmsinthemorning，andaccompanythehonourableSamuelSlumkey’sprocessiontotheplaceofnomination。
　　Mr。Pott’sdomesticcirclewaslimitedtohimselfandhiswife。Allmenwhommightygeniushasraisedtoaproudeminenceintheworld，haveusuallysomelittleweaknesswhichappearsthemoreconspicuousfromthecontrastitpresentstotheirgeneralcharacter。IfMr。Potthadaweakness，itwas，perhaps，thathewasrathertoosubmissivetothesomewhatcontemptuouscontrolandswayofhiswife。Wedonotfeeljustifiedinlayinganyparticularstressuponthefact，becauseonthepresentoccasionallMrs。Pott’smostwinningwayswerebroughtintorequisitiontoreceivethetwogentlemen。
　　Mydear，saidMr。Pott，Mr。Pickwick——Mr。PickwickofLondon。
　　Mrs。PottreceivedMr。Pickwick’spaternalgraspofthehandwithenchantingsweetness：andMr。Winkle，whohadnotbeenannouncedatall，sidledandbowed，unnoticed，inanobscurecorner。
　　P。mydear——saidMrs。Pott。
　　Mylife，saidMr。Pott。
　　Prayintroducetheothergentleman。
　　Ibegathousandpardons，saidMr。Pott。Permitme，Mrs。Pott，Mr——
　　Winkle，saidMr。Pickwick。
　　Winkle，echoedMr。Pott。andtheceremonyofintroductionwascomplete。
　　Weoweyoumanyapologies，ma’am，saidMr。Pickwick，fordisturbingyourdomesticarrangementsatsoshortanotice。
　　Ibegyouwon’tmentionit，sir，repliedthefemininePott，withvivacity。
　　Itisahightreattome，Iassureyou，toseeanynewfaces。livingasIdo，fromdaytoday，andweektoweek，inthisdullplace，andseeingnobody。
　　Nobody，mydear！exclaimedMr。Pott，archly。
　　Nobodybutyou，retortedMrs。Pott，withasperity。
　　Yousee，Mr。Pickwick，saidthehostinexplanationofhiswife’slament，thatweareinsomemeasurecutofffrommanyenjoymentsandpleasuresofwhichwemightotherwisepartake。Mypublicstation，aseditoroftheEatanswillGazette，thepositionwhichthatpaperholdsinthecountry，myconstantimmersioninthevortexofpolitics——
　　P。mydear——interposedMrs。Pott。
　　Mylife——saidtheeditor。
　　Iwish，mydear，youwouldendeavourtofindsometopicofconversationinwhichthesegentlemenmighttakesomerationalinterest。
　　Butmylove，saidMr。Pott，withgreathumility，Mr。Pickwickdoestakeaninterestinit。
　　It’swellforhimifhecan，saidMrs。Pott，emphatically。
　　Iamweariedoutofmylifewithyourpolitics，andquarrelswiththeIndependent，andnonsense。IamquiteastonishedP。atyourmakingsuchanexhibitionofyourabsurdity。
　　Butmydear——saidMr。Pott。
　　Oh，nonsense，don’ttalktome，saidMrs。Pott。Doyouplayecarte，sir？
　　Ishallbeveryhappytolearnunderyourtuition，repliedMr。Winkle。
　　Well，then，drawthatlittletableintothiswindow，andletmegetoutofhearingofthoseprosypolitics。
　　Jane，saidMr。Pott，totheservantwhobroughtincandles，godownintotheoffice，andbringmeupthefileoftheGazetteforEighteenHundredandTwentyEight。I’llreadyou——addedtheeditor，turningtoMr。Pickwick，I’lljustreadyouafewoftheleadersIwroteatthattimeupontheBuffjobofappointinganewtollmantotheturnpikehere。Iratherthinkthey’llamuseyou。Ishouldliketohearthemverymuch，indeed，saidMr。Pickwick。Upcamethefile，anddownsattheeditor，withMr。Pickwickathisside。
　　WehaveinvainporedovertheleavesofMr。Pickwick’snote-book，inthehopeofmeetingwithageneralsummaryofthesebeautifulcompositions。
　　Wehaveeveryreasontobelievethathewasperfectlyenrapturedwiththevigourandfreshnessofthestyle。indeedMr。Winklehasrecordedthefactthathiseyeswereclosed，asifwithexcessofpleasure，duringthewholetimeoftheirperusal。
　　Theannouncementofsupperputastoptothegameatecarte，andtherecapitulationofthebeautiesoftheEatanswillGazette。Mrs。
　　Pottwasinthehighestspiritsandthemostagreeablehumour。Mr。Winklehadalreadymadeconsiderableprogressinhergoodopinion，andshedidnothesitatetoinformhim，confidentially，thatMr。Pickwickwasadelightfulolddear。Thesetermsconveyafamiliarityofexpression，inwhichfewofthosewhowereintimatelyacquaintedwiththatcolossal-mindedman，wouldhavepresumedtoindulge。Wehavepreservedthem，nevertheless，asaffordingatonceatouchingandaconvincingproofoftheestimationinwhichhewasheldbyeveryclassofsociety，andtheeasewithwhichhemadehiswaytotheirheartsandfeelings。
　　Itwasalatehourofthenight——longafterMr。TupmanandMr。SnodgrasshadfallenasleepintheinmostrecessesofthePeacock——whenthetwofriendsretiredtorest。SlumbersoonfelluponthesensesofMr。Winkle，buthisfeelingshadbeenexcited，andhisadmirationroused。andformanyhoursaftersleephadrenderedhiminsensibletoearthlyobjects，thefaceandfigureoftheagreeableMrs。Pottpresentedthemselvesagainandagaintohiswanderingimagination。
　　Thenoiseandbustlewhichusheredinthemorning，weresufficienttodispelfromthemindofthemostromanticvisionaryinexistence，anyassociationsbutthosewhichwereimmediatelyconnectedwiththerapidly-approachingelection。Thebeatingofdrums，theblowingofhornsandtrumpets，theshoutingofmen，andtrampingofhorses，echoedandre-echoedthroughthestreetsfromtheearliestdawnofday。andanoccasionalfightbetweenthelightskirmishersofeitherpartyatonceenlivenedthepreparationsandagreeablydiversifiedtheircharacter。
　　Well，Sam，saidMr。Pickwick，ashisvaletappearedathisbed-roomdoor，justashewasconcludinghistoilet。allaliveto-day，Isuppose？
　　Reg’largame，sir，repliedMr。Weller。ourpeople’sacol-lectingdownattheTownArms，andthey’reaholleringthemselveshoarsealready。
　　Ah，saidMr。Pickwick，dotheyseemdevotedtotheirparty，Sam？
　　Neverseesuchdewotioninmylife，sir。
　　Energetic，eh？saidMr。Pickwick。
　　Uncommon，repliedSam。Ineverseemeneatanddrinksomuchafore。
　　Iwondertheya’ntafeer’do’bustin’。
　　That’sthemistakenkindnessofthegentryhere，saidMr。Pickwick。
　　Werylikely，repliedSam，briefly。
　　Fine，fresh，heartyfellowstheyseem，saidMr。Pickwick，glancingfromthewindow。
　　Weryfresh，repliedSam。me，andthetwowaitersatthePeacock，hasbeenapumpin’overtheindependentwotersassuppedtherelastnight。
　　Pumpingoverindependentvoters！exclaimedMr。Pickwick。
　　Yes，saidhisattendant，everymansleptverehefelldown。wedragged’emout，onebyone，thismornin’，andput’emunderthepump，andthey’reinreg’larfineorder，now。Shillin’aheadthecommitteepaidforthat’erejob。
　　Cansuchthingsbe！exclaimedtheastonishedMr。Pickwick。
　　Lordblessyourheart，sir，saidSam，whywherewasyouhalfbaptised？——that’snothin’，thata’nt。
　　Nothing？saidMr。Pickwick。
　　Nothin’atall，sir，repliedhisattendant。Thenightaforethelastdayo’thelastelectionhere，theoppositepartybribedthebar-maidattheTownArms，tohocusthebrandyandwateroffourteenunpolledelectorsaswasastoppin’inthehouse。
　　Whatdoyoumeanby`hocussing’brandyandwater？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
　　Puttin’laud’numinit，repliedSam。Blessedifshedid’ntsend’emalltosleeptilltwelvehoursartertheelectionwasover。Theytookonemanuptothebooth，inatruck，fastasleep，bywayofexperiment，butitwasnogo——theywouldn’tpollhim。sotheybroughthimback，andputhimtobedagain。
　　Strangepractices，these，saidMr。Pickwick。halfspeakingtohimselfandhalfaddressingSam。
　　Nothalfsostrangeasamiraculouscircumstanceashappenedtomyownfather，atanelectiontime，inthiswerryplace，sir，repliedSam。
　　Whatwasthat？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
　　Whyhedroveacoachdownhereonce，saidSam。’lectiontimecameon，andhewasengagedbyvunpartytobringdownwotersfromLondon。Nightaforehewasagoingtodriveup，committeeont’othersidesendsforhimquietly，andawayhegoesviththemessenger，whoshowshimin——largeroom——lotsofgen’l’m’n——heapsofpapers，pensandink，andallthat’ere。
　　`Ah，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’ninthechair，`gladtoseeyou，sir。
　　howareyou？’——`Werrywell，thank’ee，sir，’saysmyfather。`Ihopeyou’reprettymiddlin’，’sayshe——’Prettywell，thank’ee，sir，’saysthegen’l’m’n。
　　`sitdown，Mr。Weller——praysitdown，sir。’Somyfathersitsdown，andheandthegen’l’m’nlookswerryhardateachother。`Youdon’trememberme？’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Can’tsayIdo，’saysmyfather——`Oh，Iknowyou，’saysthegen’l’m’n。`know’dyouwhenyouwasaboy，’sayshe——`Well，Idon’trememberyou，’saysmyfather——`That’sveryodd，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Werry，’
　　saysmyfather——`Youmusthaveabadmem’ry，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Well，itisawerybad’un，’saysmyfather——`Ithoughtso，’saysthegen’l’m’n。
　　Sothentheypourshimoutaglassofwine，andgammonshimabouthisdriving，andgetshimintoareg’largoodhumour，andatlastshovesatwenty-poundnoteinhishand。`It’sawerrybadroadbetweenthisandLondon，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Hereandthereitisaheavyroad，’saysmyfather——`’Speciallynearthecanal，Ithink，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Nastybitthat’ere，’saysmyfather——`Well，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’n，`you’reawerygoodwhip，andcandowhatyoulikewithyourhorses，weknow。We’reallweryfondo’you，Mr。Weller，soincaseyoushouldhaveanaccidentwhenyou’reabringingtheseherewotersdown，andshouldtip’emoverintothecanalvithouthurtin’of’em，thisisforyourself，’sayshe——`Gen’l’m’n，you’rewerykind，’saysmyfather，`andI’lldrinkyourhealthinanotherglassofwine，’sayshe。whichhedid，andthenbuttonsupthemoney，andbowshimselfout。Youwouldn’tbelieve，sir，continuedSam，withalookofinexpressibleimpudenceathismaster，thatonthewerydayashecamedownwiththemwoters，hiscoachwasupsetonthat’ereweryspot，andev’rymanon’emwasturnedintothecanal。
　　Andgotoutagain？inquiredMr。Pickwick，hastily。
　　Why，repliedSam，veryslowly，Iratherthinkoneoldgen’l’m’nwasmissin’。Iknowhishatwasfound，butIa’n’tquitecertainwhetherhisheadwasinitornot。ButwhatIlookat，isthehex-traordinary，andwonderfulcoincidence，thatarterwhatthatgen’l’m’nsaid，myfather’scoachshouldbeupsetinthatweryplace，andonthatweryday！
　　Itis，nodoubt，averyextraordinarycircumstanceindeed，saidMr。
　　Pickwick。Butbrushmyhat，Sam，forIhearMr。Winklecallingmetobreakfast。
　　WiththesewordsMr。Pickwickdescendedtotheparlour，wherehefoundbreakfastlaid，andthefamilyalreadyassembled。Themealwashastilydespatched。eachofthegentleman’shatswasdecoratedwithanenormousbluefavour，madeupbythefairhandsofMrs。Pottherself。andasMr。
　　Winklehadundertakentoescortthatladytoahouse-top，intheimmediatevicinityofthehustings，Mr。PickwickandMr。PottrepairedalonetotheTownArms，fromthebackwindowofwhich，oneofMr。Slumkey’scommitteewasaddressingsixsmallboys，andonegirl，whomhedignified，ateverysecondsentence，withtheimposingtitleofmenofEatanswill，whereatthesixsmallboysaforesaidcheeredprodigiously。
　　Thestable-yardexhibitedunequivocalsymptomsofthegloryandstrengthoftheEatanswillBlues。Therewasaregulararmyofblueflags，somewithonehandle，andsomewithtwo，exhibitingappropriatedevices，ingoldencharactersfourfeethigh，andstoutinproportion。Therewasagrandbandoftrumpets，bassoonsanddrums，marshalledfourabreast，andearningtheirmoney，ifevermendid，especiallythedrumbeaters，whowereverymuscular。
　　Therewerebodiesofconstableswithbluestaves，twentycommittee-menwithbluescarfs，andamobofvoterswithbluecockades。Therewereelectorsonhorseback，andelectorsa-foot。Therewasanopencarriageandfour，forthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。andtherewerefourcarriagesandpair，forhisfriendsandsupporters。andtheflagswererustling，andthebandwasplaying，andtheconstableswereswearing，andthetwentycommittee-menweresquabbling，andthemobwereshouting，andthehorseswerebacking，andthepost-boysperspiring。andeverybody，andeverything，thenandthereassembled，wasforthespecialuse，behoof，honour，andrenown，ofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，oneofthecandidatesfortherepresentationoftheBoroughofEatanswill，intheCommonsHouseofParliamentoftheUnitedKingdom。
　　Loudandlongwerethecheers，andmightywastherustlingofoneoftheblueflags，withLibertyofthePressinscribedthereon，whenthesandyheadofMr。Pottwasdiscernedinoneofthewindows，bythemobbeneath。andtremendouswastheenthusiasmwhenthehonourableSamuelSlumkeyhimself，intop-boots，andablueneckerchief，advancedandseizedthehandofthesaidPott，andmelodramaticallytestifiedbygesturestothecrowd，hisineffaceableobligationstotheEatanswillGazette。
　　Iseverythingready？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkeytoMr。Perker。
　　Everything，mydearsir，wasthelittleman’sreply。
　　Nothinghasbeenomitted，Ihope？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。
　　Nothinghasbeenleftundone，mydearsir——nothingwhatever。Therearetwentywashedmenatthestreetdoorforyoutoshakehandswith。andsixchildreninarmsthatyou’retopatonthehead，andinquiretheageof。beparticularaboutthechildren，mydearsir，——ithasalwaysagreateffect，thatsortofthing。
　　I’lltakecare，saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。
　　And，perhaps，mydearsir——saidthecautiouslittleman，perhapsifyoucould——Idon’tmeantosayit’sindispensable——butifyoucouldmanagetokissoneof’em，itwouldproduceaverygreatimpressiononthecrowd。
　　Wouldn’tithaveasgoodaneffectiftheproposerorseconderdidthat？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。
　　Why，Iamafraiditwouldn’t，repliedtheagent。ifitweredonebyyourself，mydearsir，Ithinkitwouldmakeyouverypopular。
　　Verywell，saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，witharesignedair，thenitmustbedone。That’sall。
　　Arrangetheprocession，criedthetwentycommittee-men。
　　Amidstthecheersoftheassembledthrong，theband，andtheconstables，andthecommittee-men，andthevoters，andthehorsemen，andthecarriages，tooktheirplaces——eachofthetwo-horsevehiclesbeingcloselypackedwithasmanygentlemenascouldmanagetostanduprightinit。andthatassignedtoMr。Perker，containingMr。Pickwick，Mr。Tupman，Mr。Snodgrass，andabouthalfadozenofthecommitteebeside。
　　TherewasamomentofawfulsuspenseastheprocessionwaitedforthehonourableSamuelSlumkeytostepintohiscarriage。Suddenlythecrowdsetupagreatcheering。
　　Hehascomeout，saidlittleMr。Perker，greatlyexcited。themoresoastheirpositiondidnotenablethemtoseewhatwasgoingforward。
　　Anothercheer，muchlouder。
　　Hehasshakenhandswiththemen，criedthelittleagent。
　　Anothercheer，farmorevehement。
　　Hehaspattedthebabiesonthehead，saidMr。Perker，tremblingwithanxiety。
　　Aroarofapplausethatrenttheair。
　　Hehaskissedoneof’em！exclaimedthedelightedlittleman。
　　Asecondroar。
　　Hehaskissedanother，gaspedtheexcitedmanager。
　　Athirdroar。
　　He’skissing’emall！screamedtheenthusiasticlittlegentleman。
　　Andhailedbythedeafeningshoutsofthemultitude，theprocessionmovedon。
　　Howorbywhatmeansitbecamemixedupwiththeotherprocession，andhowitwaseverextricatedfromtheconfusionconsequentthereupon，ismorethanwecanundertaketodescribe，inasmuchasMr。Pickwick’shatwasknockedoverhiseyes，nose，andmouth，byonepokeofaBuffflag-staff，veryearlyintheproceedings。Hedescribeshimselfasbeingsurroundedoneveryside，whenhecouldcatchaglimpseofthescene，byangryandferociouscountenances，byavastcloudofdust，andbyadensecrowdofcombatants。Herepresentshimselfasbeingforcedfromthecarriagebysomeunseenpower，andbeingpersonallyengagedinapugilisticencounter。
　　butwithwhom，orhow，orwhy，heiswhollyunabletostate。Hethenfelthimselfforcedupsomewoodenstepsbythepersonsfrombehind。andonremovinghishat，foundhimselfsurroundedbyhisfriends，intheveryfrontoftheleft-handsideofthehustings。TherightwasreservedfortheBuffparty，andthecentrefortheMayorandhisofficers。oneofwhom——thefatcrierofEatanswill——wasringinganenormousbell，bythewayofcommandingsilence，whileMr。HoratioFizkin，andthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，withtheirhandsupontheirhearts，werebowingwiththeutmostaffabilitytothetroubledseaofheadsthatinundatedtheopenspaceinfront。andfromwhencearoseastormofgroans，andshouts，andyells，andhootings，thatwouldhavedonehonourtoanearthquake。
　　There’sWinkle，saidMr。Tupman，pullinghisfriendbythesleeve。
　　Where？saidMr。Pickwick，puttingonhisspectacles，whichhehadfortunatelykeptinhispockethitherto。
　　There，saidMr。Tupman，onthetopofthathouse。
　　Andthere，sureenough，intheleadengutterofatiledroof，wereMr。
　　WinkleandMrs。Pott，comfortablyseatedinacoupleofchairs，wavingtheirhandkerchiefsintokenofrecognition——acomplimentwhichMr。Pickwickreturnedbykissinghishandtothelady。
　　Theproceedingshadnotyetcommenced。andasaninactivecrowdisgenerallydisposedtobejocose，thisveryinnocentactionwassufficienttoawakentheirfacetiousness。
　　Ohyouwickedoldrascal，criedonevoice，lookingarterthegirls，areyou？
　　Ohyouwenerablesinner，criedanother。
　　Puttingonhisspectaclestolookatamarried’ooman！saidathird。
　　Iseehimawinkin’ather，withhiswickedoldeye，shoutedafourth。
　　Lookarteryourwife，Pott，bellowedafifth——andthentherewasaroaroflaughter。
　　AsthesetauntswereaccompaniedwithinvidiouscomparisonsbetweenMr。Pickwickandanagedram，andseveralwitticismsofthelikenature。
　　andastheymoreoverrathertendedtoconveyreflectionsuponthehonourofaninnocentlady，Mr。Pickwick’sindignationwasexcessive。butassilencewasproclaimedatthemoment，hecontentedhimselfbyscorchingthemobwithalookofpityfortheirmisguidedminds，atwhichtheylaughedmoreboisterouslythanever。
　　Silence！roaredtheMayor’sattendants。
　　Whiffin，proclaimsilence，saidtheMayor，withanairofpompbefittinghisloftystation。Inobediencetothiscommandthecrierperformedanotherconcertoonthebell，whereuponagentlemaninthecrowdcalledoutmuffins。
　　whichoccasionedanotherlaugh。
　　Gentlemen，saidtheMayor，atasloudapitchashecouldpossiblyforcehisvoiceto，Gentlemen。BrotherelectorsoftheBoroughofEatanswill。
　　Wearemethereto-dayforthepurposeofchoosingarepresentativeintheroomofourlate——
　　HeretheMayorwasinterruptedbyavoiceinthecrowd。
　　Suc-cesstotheMayor！criedthevoice，andmayheneverdesertthenailandsarspanbusiness，ashegothismoneyby。
　　Thisallusiontotheprofessionalpursuitsoftheoratorwasreceivedwithastormofdelight，which，withabell-accompaniment，renderedtheremainderofhisspeechinaudible，withtheexceptionoftheconcludingsentence，inwhichhethankedthemeetingforthepatientattentionwithwhichtheyhadheardhimthroughout，——anexpressionofgratitudewhichelicitedanotherburstofmirth，ofaboutaquarterofanhour’sduration。
　　Next，atallthingentleman，inaverystiffwhitenecker-chief，afterbeingrepeatedlydesiredbythecrowdtosendaboyhome，toaskwhetherhehadn’tlefthiswoiceunderthepillow，beggedtonominateafitandproperpersontorepresenttheminParliament。AndwhenhesaiditwasHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，nearEatanswill，theFizkinitesapplauded，andtheSlumkeyitesgroaned，solong，andsoloudly，thatbothheandthesecondermighthavesungcomicsongsinlieuofspeaking，withoutanybody’sbeingabitthewiser。
　　ThefriendsofHoratioFizkin，Esquire，havinghadtheirinnings，alittlecholeric，pink-facedmanstoodforwardtoproposeanotherfitandproperpersontorepresenttheelectorsofEatanswillinParliament。andveryswimminglythepink-facedgentlemanwouldhavegoneon，ifhehadnotbeenrathertoocholerictoentertainasufficientperceptionofthefunofthecrowd。Butafteraveryfewsentencesoffigurativeeloquence，thepink-facedgentlemangotfromdenouncingthosewhointerruptedhiminthemob，toexchangingdefianceswiththegentlemenonthehustings。
　　whereuponaroseanuproarwhichreducedhimtothenecessityofexpressinghisfeelingsbyseriouspantomime，whichhedid，andthenleftthestagetohisseconder，whodeliveredawrittenspeechofhalfanhour’slength，andwouldn’tbestopped，becausehehadsentitalltotheEatanswillGazette，andtheEatanswillGazettehadalreadyprintedit，everyword。
　　ThenHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，nearEatanswill，presentedhimselfforthepurposeofaddressingtheelectors。whichhenosoonerdid，thanthebandemployedbythehonourableSamuelSlumkey，commencedperformingwithapowertowhichtheirstrengthinthemorningwasatrifle。
　　inreturnforwhich，theBuffcrowdbelabouredtheheadsandshouldersoftheBluecrowd。onwhichtheBluecrowdendeavouredtodispossessthemselvesoftheirveryunpleasantneighbourstheBuffcrowd。andasceneofstruggling，andpushing，andfighting，succeeded，towhichwecannomoredojusticethantheMayorcould，althoughheissuedimperativeorderstotwelveconstablestoseizetheringleaders，whomightamountinnumbertotwohundredandfifty，orthereabouts。Atalltheseencounters，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，andhisfriends，waxedfierceandfurious。untilatlastHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，beggedtoaskhisopponentthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，whetherthatbandplayedbyhisconsent。whichquestionthehonourableSamuelSlumkeydecliningtoanswer，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，shookhisfistinthecountenanceofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall。uponwhichthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，hisbloodbeingup，defiedHoratioFizkin，Esquire，tomortalcombat。Atthisviolationofallknownrulesandprecedentsoforder，theMayorcommandedanotherfantasiaonthebell，anddeclaredthathewouldbringbeforehimself，bothHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，andthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，andbindthemovertokeepthepeace。Uponthisterrificdenunciation，thesupportersofthetwocandidatesinterfered，andafterthefriendsofeachpartyhadquarrelledinpairs，forthree-quartersofanhour，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，touchedhishattothehonourableSamuelSlumkey：thehonourableSamuelSlumkeytouchedhistoHoratioFizkin，Esquire：thebandwasstopped：thecrowdwerepartiallyquieted：andHoratioFizkin，Esquire，waspermittedtoproceed。
　　Thespeechesofthetwocandidates，thoughdifferingineveryotherrespect，affordedabeautifultributetothemeritandhighworthoftheelectorsofEatanswill。Bothexpressedtheiropinionthatamoreindependent，amoreenlightened，amorepublic-spirited，amorenoble-minded，amoredisinterestedsetofmenthanthosewhohadpromisedtovoteforhim，neverexistedonearth。eachdarklyhintedhissuspicionsthattheelectorsintheoppositeinteresthadcertainswinishandbesottedinfirmitieswhichrenderedthemunfitfortheexerciseoftheimportantdutiestheywerecalledupontodischarge。Fizkinexpressedhisreadinesstodoanythinghewaswanted。Slumkey，hisdeterminationtodonothingthatwasaskedofhim。Bothsaidthatthetrade，themanufactures，thecommerce，theprosperityofEatanswill，wouldeverbedearertotheirheartsthananyearthlyobject。
　　andeachhaditinhispowertostate，withtheutmostconfidence，thathewasthemanwhowouldeventuallybereturned。
　　Therewasashowofhands。theMayordecidedinfavourofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall。HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，demandedapoll，andapollwasfixedaccordingly。ThenavoteofthankswasmovedtotheMayorforhisableconductinthechair。andtheMayordevoutlywishingthathehadhadachairtodisplayhisableconductinforhehadbeenstandingduringthewholeproceedings，returnedthanks。
　　Theprocessionsre-formed，thecarriagesrolledslowlythroughthecrowd，anditsmembersscreechedandshoutedafterthemastheirfeelingsorcapricedictated。
　　Duringthewholetimeofthepolling，thetownwasinaperpetualfeverofexcitement。Everythingwasconductedonthemostliberalanddelightfulscale。Exciseablearticleswereremarkablycheapatallthepublic-houses。
　　andspringvansparadedthestreetsfortheaccommodationofvoterswhowereseizedwithanytemporarydizzinessinthehead——anepidemicwhichprevailedamongtheelectors，duringthecontest，toamostalarmingextent，andundertheinfluenceofwhichtheymightfrequentlybeseenlyingonthepavementsinastateofutterinsensibility。Asmallbodyofelectorsremainedunpolledontheverylastday。Theywerecalculatingandreflectingpersons，whohadnotyetbeenconvincedbytheargumentsofeitherparty，althoughtheyhadhadfrequentconferenceswitheach。Onehourbeforethecloseofthepoll，Mr。Perkersolicitedthehonourofaprivateinterviewwiththeseintelligent，thesenoble，thesepatrioticmen。Itwasgranted。
　　Hisargumentswerebrief，butsatisfactory。Theywentinabodytothepoll。andwhentheyreturned，thehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，wasreturnedalso。
　　[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter14[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXIVCOMPRISINGABRIEFDESCRIPTIONOFTHECOMPANYAT
　　THEPEACOCKASSEMBLED。ANDATALETOLDBYABAGMAN
　　ITispleasanttoturnfromcontemplatingthestrifeandturmoilofpoliticalexistence，tothepeacefulreposeofprivatelife。
　　Althoughinrealitynogreatpartisanofeitherside。Mr。PickwickwassufficientlyfiredwithMr。Pott’senthusiasm，toapplyhiswholetimeandattentiontotheproceedings，ofwhichthelastchapteraffordsadescriptioncompiledfromhisownmemoranda。NorwhilehewasthusoccupiedwasMr。
　　Winkleidle，hiswholetimebeingdevotedtopleasantwalksandshortcountryexcursionswithMrs。Pott，whoneverfailed，whensuchanopportunitypresenteditself，toseeksomerelieffromthetediousmonotonyshesoconstantlycomplainedof。ThetwogentlemenbeingthuscompletelydomesticatedintheEditor’shouse，Mr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasswereinagreatmeasurecastupontheirownresources。Takingbutlittleinterestinpublicaffairs，theybeguiledtheirtimechieflywithsuchamusementsasthePeacockafforded，whichwerelimitedtoabagatelle-boardinthefirstfloor，andasequesteredskittle-groundinthebackyard。Inthescienceandnicetyofboththeserecreations，whicharefarmoreabstrusethanordinarymensuppose，theyweregraduallyinitiatedbyMr。Weller，whopossessedaperfectknowledgeofsuchpastimes。Thus，notwithstandingthattheywereinagreatmeasuredeprivedofthecomfortandadvantageofMr。Pickwick’ssociety，theywerestillenabledtobeguilethetime，andtopreventitshangingheavilyontheirhands。
　　Itwasintheevening，however，thatthePeacockpresentedattractionswhichenabledthetwofriendstoresisteventheinvitationsofthegifted，thoughprosy，Pott。Itwasintheeveningthatthecommercialroomwasfilledwithasocialcircle，whosecharactersandmannersitwasthedelightofMr。Tupmantoobserve。whosesayingsanddoingsitwasthehabitofMr。Snodgrasstonotedown。
　　Mostpeopleknowwhatsortofplacescommercialroomsusuallyare。ThatofthePeacockdifferedinnomaterialrespectfromthegeneralityofsuchapartments。thatistosay，itwasalargebare-lookingroom，thefurnitureofwhichhadnodoubtbeenbetterwhenitwasnewer，withaspacioustableinthecentre，andavarietyofsmallerdittosinthecorners：anextensiveassortmentofvariouslyshapedchairs，andanoldTurkeycarpet，bearingaboutthesamerelativeproportiontothesizeoftheroom，asalady’spocket-handkerchiefmighttothefloorofawatch-box。Thewallsweregarnishedwithoneortwolargemaps。andseveralweather-beatenroughgreatcoats，withcomplicatedcapes，dangledfromalongrowofpegsinonecorner。
　　Themantelshelfwasornamentedwithawoodeninkstand，containingonestumpofapen，andhalfawafer：aroad-bookanddirectory：acountyhistoryminusthecover：andthemortalremainsofatroutinaglasscoffin。Theatmospherewasredolentoftobacco-smoke，thefumesofwhichhadcommunicatedaratherdingyhuetothewholeroom，andmoreespeciallytothedustyredcurtainswhichshadedthewindows。Onthesideboardavarietyofmiscellaneousarticleswerehuddledtogether，themostconspicuousofwhichweresomeverycloudyfish-saucecruets，acoupleofdriving-boxes，twoorthreewhips，andasmanytravellingshawls，atrayofknivesandforks，andthemustard。
　　HereitwasthatMr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasswereseatedontheeveningaftertheconclusionoftheelection，withseveralothertemporaryinmatesofthehouse，smokinganddrinking。
　　Well，gents，saidastout，halepersonageofaboutforty，withonlyoneeye——averybrightblackeye，whichtwinkledwitharoguishexpressionoffunandgoodhumour，ournobleselves，gents。Ialwaysproposethattoasttothecompany，anddrinkMarytomyself。Eh，Mary！
　　Getalongwithyou，youwretch，saidthehand-maiden，obviouslynotillpleasedwiththecompliment，however。
　　Don’tgoaway，Mary，saidtheblack-eyedman。
　　Letmealone，imperence，saidtheyounglady。
　　Nevermind，saidtheone-eyedman，callingafterthegirlasshelefttheroom。I’llstepoutbyandby，Mary。Keepyourspiritsup，dear。
　　Herehewentthroughthenotverydifficultprocessofwinkinguponthecompanywithhissolitaryeye，totheenthusiasticdelightofanelderlypersonagewithadirtyfaceandaclaypipe。
　　Rumcreetersiswomen，saidthedirty-facedman，afterapause。
　　Ah！nomistakeaboutthat，saidaveryred-facedman，behindacigar。
　　Afterthislittlebitofphilosophytherewasanotherpause。
　　There’srummerthingsthanwomeninthisworldthough，mindyou，saidthemanwiththeblackeye，slowlyfillingalargeDutchpipe，withamostcapaciousbowl。
　　Areyoumarried？inquiredthedirty-facedman。
　　Can’tsayIam。
　　Ithoughtnot。Herethedirty-facedmanfellintofitsofmirthathisownretort，inwhichhewasjoinedbyamanofblandvoiceandplacidcountenance，whoalwaysmadeitapointtoagreewitheverybody。
　　Women，afterall，gentlemen，saidtheenthusiasticMr。Snodgrass，arethegreatpropsandcomfortsofourexistence。
　　Sotheyare，saidtheplacidgentleman。
　　Whenthey’reinagoodhumour，interposedthedirty-facedman。
　　Andthat’sverytrue，saidtheplacidone。
　　Irepudiatethatqualification，saidMr。Snodgrass，whosethoughtswerefastrevertingtoEmilyWardle，Irepudiateitwithdisdain——withindignation。Showmethemanwhosaysanythingagainstwomen，aswomen，andIboldlydeclareheisnotaman。AndMr。Snodgrasstookhiscigarfromhismouth，andstruckthetableviolentlywithhisclenchedfist。
　　That’sgoodsoundargument，saidtheplacidman。
　　ContainingapositionwhichIdeny，interruptedheofthedirtycountenance。
　　Andthere’scertainlyaverygreatdealoftruthinwhatyouobservetoo，sir，saidtheplacidgentleman。
　　Yourhealth，sir，saidthebagmanwiththelonelyeye，bestowinganapprovingnodonMr。Snodgrass。
　　Mr。Snodgrassacknowledgedthecompliment。
　　Ialwaysliketohearagoodargument，continuedthebagman，asharpone，likethis。it’sveryimproving。butthislittleargumentaboutwomenbroughttomymindastoryIhaveheardanolduncleofminetell，therecollectionofwhich，justnow，mademesaytherewererummerthingsthanwomentobemetwith，sometimes。
　　Ishouldliketohearthatsamestory，saidthered-facedmanwiththecigar。
　　Shouldyou？wastheonlyreplyofthebagman，whocontinuedtosmokewithgreatvehemence。
　　SoshouldI，saidMr。Tupman，speakingforthefirsttime。Hewasalwaysanxioustoincreasehisstockofexperience。
　　Shouldyou？Wellthen，I’lltellit。NoIwon’t。Iknowyouwon’tbelieveit，saidthemanwiththeroguisheye，makingthatorganlookmoreroguishthanever。
　　Ifyousayit’strue，ofcourseIshall，saidMr。Tupman。
　　Well，uponthatunderstandingI’lltellyou，repliedthetraveller。
　　DidyoueverhearofthegreatcommercialhouseofBilsonandSlum？Butitdoesn’tmatterthough，whetheryoudidornot，becausetheyretiredfrombusinesslongsince。It’seightyyearsago，sincethecircumstancehappenedtoatravellerforthathouse，buthewasaparticularfriendofmyuncle’s。andmyuncletoldthestorytome。It’saqueername。butheusedtocallitTHEBAGMAN’SSTORY，andheusedtotellit，somethinginthisway。
　　Onewinter’sevening，aboutfiveo’clock，justasitbegantogrowdusk，amaninagigmighthavebeenseenurginghistiredhorsealongtheroadwhichleadsacrossMarlboroughDowns，inthedirectionofBristol。
　　Isayhemighthavebeenseen，andIhavenodoubthewouldhavebeen，ifanybodybutablindmanhadhappenedtopassthatway。buttheweatherwassobad，andthenightsocoldandwet，thatnothingwasoutbutthewater，andsothetravellerjoggedalonginthemiddleoftheroad，lonesomeanddrearyenough。Ifanybagmanofthatdaycouldhavecaughtsightofthelittleneck-or-nothingsortofgig，withaclay-colouredbodyandredwheels，andthevixenishill-tempered，fast-goingbaymare，thatlookedlikeacrossbetweenabutcher’shorseandatwo-pennypost-officepony，hewouldhaveknownatonce，thatthistravellercouldhavebeennootherthanTomSmart，ofthegreathouseofBilsonandSlum，CateatonStreet，City。However，astherewasnobagmantolookon，nobodyknewanythingatallaboutthematter。andsoTomSmartandhisclay-colouredgigwiththeredwheels，andthevixenishmarewiththefastpace，wentontogether，keepingthesecretamongthem：andnobodywasabitthewiser。
　　Therearemanypleasanterplaceseveninthisdrearyworld，thanMarlboroughDownswhenitblowshard。andifyouthrowinbeside，agloomywinter’sevening，amiryandsloppyroad，andapeltingfallofheavyrain，andtrytheeffect，bywayofexperiment，inyourownproperperson，youwillexperiencethefullforceofthisobservation。
　　Thewindblew——notuptheroadordownit，thoughthat’sbadenough，butsheeracrossit，sendingtherainslantingdownlikethelinestheyusedtoruleinthecopy-booksatschool，tomaketheboysslopewell。
　　Foramomentitwoulddieaway，andthetravellerwouldbegintodeludehimselfintothebeliefthat，exhaustedwithitspreviousfury，ithadquietlylainitselfdowntorest，when，whoo！hewouldhearitgrowlingandwhistlinginthedistance，andonitwouldcomerushingoverthehill-tops，andsweepingalongtheplain，gatheringsoundandstrengthasitdrewnearer，untilitdashedwithaheavygustagainsthorseandman，drivingthesharprainintotheirears，anditscolddampbreathintotheirverybones。andpastthemitwouldscour，far，faraway，withastunningroar，asifinridiculeoftheirweakness，andtiumphantintheconsciousnessofitsownstrengthandpower。
　　Thebaymaresplashedaway，throughthemudandwaterwithdroopingears。nowandthentossingherheadasiftoexpressherdisgustatthisveryungentlemanlybehaviouroftheelements，butkeepingagoodpacenotwithstanding，untilagustofwind，morefuriousthananythathadyetassailedthem，causedhertostopsuddenlyandplantherfourfeetfirmlyagainsttheground，topreventherbeingblownover。It’saspecialmercythatshedidthis，forifshehadbeenblownover，thevixenishmarewassolight，andthegigwassolight，andTomSmartsuchalightweightintothebargain，thattheymustinfalliblyhaveallgonerollingoverandovertogether，untiltheyreachedtheconfinesofearth，oruntilthewindfell。
　　andineithercasetheprobabilityis，thatneitherthevixenishmare，northeclay-colouredgigwiththeredwheels，norTomSmart，wouldeverhavebeenfitforserviceagain。
　　`Well，damnmystrapsandwhiskers，’saysTomSmartTomsometimeshadanunpleasantknackofswearing，`Damnmystrapsandwhiskers，’saysTom，`ifthisain’tpleasant，blowme！’
　　You’llverylikelyaskmewhy，asTomSmarthadbeenprettywellblownalready，heexpressedthiswishtobesubmittedtothesameprocessagain。
　　Ican’tsay——allIknowis，thatTomSmartsaidso——oratleasthealwaystoldmyunclehesaidso，andit’sjustthesamething。
　　`Blowme’，saysTomSmart。andthemareneighedasifshewerepreciselyofthesameopinion。
　　`Cheerup，oldgirl，’saidTom，pattingthebaymareontheneckwiththeendofhiswhip。`Itwon’tdopushingon，suchanightasthis。thefirsthousewecometowe’llputup，at，sothefasteryougothesoonerit’sover。Soho，oldgirl——gently——gently。’
　　WhetherthevixenishmarewassufficientlywellacquaintedwiththetonesofTom’svoicetocomprehendhismeaning，orwhethershefounditcolderstandingstillthanmovingon，ofcourseIcan’tsay。ButIcansaythatTomhadnosoonerfinishedspeaking，thansheprickedupherears，andstartedforwardataspeedwhichmadetheclay-colouredgigrattletillyouwouldhavesupposedeveryoneoftheredspokesweregoingtoflyoutontheturfofMarlboroughDowns。andevenTom，whipashewas，couldn’tstoporcheckherpace，untilshedrewup，ofherownaccord，beforearoad-sideinnontheright-handsideoftheway，abouthalfaquarterofamilefromtheendoftheDowns。
　　Tomcastahastyglanceattheupperpartofthehouseashethrewthereinstothehostler，andstuckthewhipinthebox。Itwasastrangeoldplace，builtofakindofshingle，inlaid，asitwere，withcross-beams，withgabled-toppedwindowsprojectingcompletelyoverthepathway，andalowdoorwithadarkporch，andacoupleofsteepstepsleadingdownintothehouse，insteadofthemodernfashionofhalfadozenshallowonesleadinguptoit。Itwasacomfortable-lookingplacethough，fortherewasastrongcheerfullightinthebar-window，whichshedabrightrayacrosstheroad，andevenlightedupthehedgeontheotherside。andtherewasaredflickeringlightintheoppositewindow，onemomentbutfaintlydiscernible，andthenextgleamingstronglythroughthedrawncurtains，whichintimatedthatarousingfirewasblazingwithin。Markingtheselittleevidenceswiththeeyeofanexperiencedtraveller，Tomdismountedwithasmuchagilityashishalf-frozenlimbswouldpermit，andenteredthehouse。
　　Inlessthanfiveminutes’time，Tomwasensconcedintheroomoppositethebar——theveryroomwherehehadimaginedthefireblazing——beforeasubstantialmatter-of-factroaringfire，composedofsomethingshortofabushelofcoals，andwoodenoughtomakehalfadozendecentgooseberrybushes，piledhalfwayupthechimney，androaringandcracklingwithasoundthatofitselfwouldhavewarmedtheheartofanyreasonableman。
　　Thiswascomfortable，butthiswasnotall，forasmartly-dressedgirl，withabrighteyeandaneatankle，waslayingaverycleanwhiteclothonthetable。andasTomsatwithhisslipperedfeetonthefender，andhisbacktotheopendoor，hesawacharmingprospectofthebarreflectedintheglassoverthechimney-piece，withdelightfulrowsofgreenbottlesandgoldlabels，togetherwithjarsofpicklesandpreserves，andcheesesandboiledhams，androundsofbeef，arrangedonshelvesinthemosttemptinganddeliciousarray。Well，thiswascomfortabletoo。buteventhiswasnotall——forinthebar，seatedatteaatthenicestpossiblelittletable，drawncloseupbeforethebrightestpossiblelittlefire，wasabuxomwidowofsomewhereabouteightandfortyorthereabouts，withafaceascomfortableasthebar，whowasevidentlythelandladyofthehouse，andthesupremeruleroveralltheseagreeablepossessions。Therewasonlyonedrawbacktothebeautyofthewholepicture，andthatwasatallman——averytallman——inabrowncoatandbrightbasketbuttons，andblackwhiskers，andwavyblackhair，whowasseatedatteawiththewidow，andwhoitrequirednogreatpenetrationtodiscoverwasinafairwayofpersuadinghertobeawidownolonger，buttoconferuponhimtheprivilegeofsittingdowninthatbar，forandduringthewholeremainderofthetermofhisnaturallife。
　　TomSmartwasbynomeansofanirritableorenviousdisposition，butsomehoworotherthetallmanwiththebrowncoatandthebrightbasketbuttonsdidrousewhatlittlegallhehadinhiscomposition，anddidmakehimfeelextremelyindignant：themoreespeciallyashecouldnowandthenobserve，fromhisseatbeforetheglass，certainlittleaffectionatefamiliaritiespassingbetweenthetallmanandthewidow，whichsufficientlydenotedthatthetallmanwasashighinfavourashewasinsize。Tomwasfondofhotpunch——Imayventuretosayhewasveryfondofhotpunch——andafterhehadseenthevixenishmarewellfedandwelllittereddown，andhadeateneverybitofthenicelittlehotdinnerwhichthewidowtossedupforhimwithherownhands，hejustorderedatumblerofit，bywayofexperiment。Now，iftherewasonethinginthewholerangeofdomesticart，whichthewidowcouldmanufacturebetterthananother，itwasthisidenticalarticle。andthefirsttumblerwasadaptedtoTomSmart’stastewithsuchpeculiarnicety，thatheorderedasecondwiththeleastpossibledelay。Hotpunchisapleasantthing，gentlemen——anextremelypleasantthingunderanycircumstances——butinthatsnugoldparlour，beforetheroaringfire，withthewindblowingoutsidetilleverytimberintheoldhousecreakedagain，TomSmartfounditperfectlydelightful。Heorderedanothertumbler，andthenanother——Iamnotquitecertainwhetherhedidn’torderanotherafterthat——butthemorehedrankofthehotpunch，themorehethoughtofthetallman。
　　`Confoundhisimpudence！’saidTomtohimself，`whatbusinesshasheinthatsnugbar？Suchanuglyvillaintoo！’saidTom。`Ifthewidowhadanytaste，shemightsurelypickupsomebetterfellowthanthat。’HereTom’seyewanderedfromtheglassonthechimney-piece，totheglassonthetable。andashefelthimselfbecomegraduallysentimental，heemptiedthefourthtumblerofpunchandorderedafifth。
　　TomSmart，gentlemen，hadalwaysbeenverymuchattachedtothepublicline。Ithadlongbeenhisambitiontostandinabarofhisown，inagreencoat，knee-cords，andtops。Hehadagreatnotionoftakingthechairatconvivialdinners，andhehadoftenthoughthowwellhecouldpresideinaroomofhisowninthetalkingway，andwhatacapitalexamplehecouldsettohiscustomersinthedrinkingdepartment。AllthesethingspassedrapidlythroughTom’smindashesatdrinkingthehotpunchbytheroaringfire，andhefeltveryjustlyandproperlyindignantthatthetallmanshouldbeinafairwayofkeepingsuchanexcellenthouse，whilehe，TomSmart，wasasfarfromitasever。So，afterdeliberatingoverthelasttwotumblers，whetherhehadn’taperfectrighttopickaquarrelwiththetallmanforhavingcontrivedtogetintothegoodgracesofthebuxomwidow，TomSmartatlastarrivedatthesatisfactoryconclusionthathewasaveryill-usedandpersecutedindividual，andhadbettergotobed。
　　UpawideandancientstaircasethesmartgirlprecededTom，shadingthechambercandlewithherhand，toprotectitfromthecurrentsofairwhichinsucharamblingoldplacemighthavefoundplentyofroomtodisportthemselvesin，withoutblowingthecandleout，butwhichdidblowitoutnevertheless。thusaffordingTom’senemiesanopportunityofassertingthatitwashe，andnotthewind，whoextinguishedthecandle，andthatwhilehepretendedtobeblowingitalightagain，hewasinfactkissingthegirl。Bethisasitmay，anotherlightwasobtained，andTomwasconductedthroughamazeofrooms，andalabyrinthofpassages，totheapartmentwhichhadbeenpreparedforhisreception，wherethegirlbadehimgoodnight，andlefthimalone。
　　Itwasagoodlargeroomwithbigclosets，andabedwhichmighthaveservedforawholeboarding-school，tosaynothingofacoupleofoakenpressesthatwouldhaveheldthebaggageofasmallarmy。butwhatstruckTom’sfancymostwasastrange，grim-lookinghigh-backedchair，carvedinthemostfantasticmanner，withaflowereddamaskcushion，andtheroundknobsatthebottomofthelegscarefullytiedupinredcloth，asifithadgotthegoutinitstoes。Ofanyotherqueerchair，Tomwouldonlyhavethoughtitwasaqueerchair，andtherewouldhavebeenanendofthematter。buttherewassomethingaboutthisparticularchair，andyethecouldn’ttellwhatitwas，sooddandsounlikeanyotherpieceoffurniturehehadeverseen，thatitseemedtofascinatehim。Hesatdownbeforethefire，andstaredattheoldchairforhalfanhour——Deucetakethechair，itwassuchastrangeoldthing，hecouldn’ttakehiseyesoffit。
　　`Well，’saidTom，slowlyundressinghimself，andstaringattheoldchairallthewhile，whichstoodwithamysteriousaspectbythebed-side，`Ineversawsucharumconcernasthatinmydays。Veryodd，’saidTom，whohadgotrathersagewiththehotpunch，`Veryodd。’Tomshookhisheadwithanairofprofoundwisdom，andlookedatthechairagain。Hecouldn’tmakeanythingofitthough，sohegotintobed，coveredhimselfupwarm，andfellasleep。
　　Inabouthalfanhour，Tomwokeup，withastart，fromaconfuseddreamoftallmenandtumblersofpunch：andthefirstobjectthatpresenteditselftohiswakingimaginationwasthequeerchair。
　　`Iwon’tlookatitanymore，’saidTomtohimself，andhesqueezedhiseyelidstogether，andtriedtopersuadehimselfhewasgoingtosleepagain。Nouse。nothingbutqueerchairsdancedbeforehiseyes，kickinguptheirlegs，jumpingovereachother’sbacks，andplayingallkindsofantics。
　　`Imayaswellseeonerealchair，astwoorthreecompletesetsoffalseones，’saidTom，bringingouthisheadfromunderthebed-clothes。
　　Thereitwas，plainlydiscerniblebythelightofthefire，lookingasprovokingasever。
　　Tomgazedatthechair。and，suddenlyashelookedatit，amostextraordinarychangeseemedtocomeoverit。Thecarvingofthebackgraduallyassumedthelineamentsandexpressionofanoldshrivelledhumanface。thedamaskcushionbecameanantique，flappedwaistcoat。theroundknobsgrewintoacoupleoffeet，encasedinredclothslippers。andtheoldchairlookedlikeaveryuglyoldman，ofthepreviouscentury，withhisarmsa-kimbo。
　　Tomsatupinbed，andrubbedhiseyestodispeltheillusion。No。Thechairwasanuglyoldgentleman。andwhatwasmore，hewaswinkingatTomSmart。
　　Tomwasnaturallyaheadlong，carelesssortofdog，andhehadhadfivetumblersofhotpunchintothebargain。so，althoughhewasalittlestartledatfirst，hebegantogrowratherindignantwhenhesawtheoldgentlemanwinkingandleeringathimwithsuchanimpudentair。Atlengthheresolvedthathewouldn’tstandit。andastheoldfacestillkeptwinkingawayasfastasever，Tomsaid，inaveryangrytone：
　　`Whatthedevilareyouwinkingatmefor？’
　　`BecauseIlikeit，TomSmart，’saidthechair。ortheoldgentleman，whicheveryouliketocallhim。Hestoppedwinkingthough，whenTomspoke，andbegangrinninglikeasuperannuatedmonkey。
　　`Howdoyouknowmyname，oldnut-crackerface！’inquiredTomSmart，ratherstaggered——thoughhepretendedtocarryitoffsowell。
　　`Come，come，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，`that’snotthewaytoaddresssolidSpanishMahogany。Dam’me，youcouldn’ttreatmewithlessrespectifIwasveneered。’Whentheoldgentlemansaidthis，helookedsofiercethatTombegantobefrightened。
　　`Ididn’tmeantotreatyouwithanydisrespect，sir，’saidTom。inamuchhumblertonethanhehadspokeninatfirst。
　　`Well，well，’saidtheoldfellow，`perhapsnot——perhapsnot。Tom——’
　　`Sir——’
　　`Iknoweverythingaboutyou，Tom。everything。You’reverypoor，Tom。’
　　`Icertainlyam，’saidTomSmart。`Buthowcameyoutoknowthat？’
　　`Nevermindthat，’saidtheoldgentleman。`you’remuchtoofondofpunch，Tom。’
　　TomSmartwasjustonthepointofprotestingthathehadn’ttastedadropsincehislastbirth-day，butwhenhiseyeencounteredthatoftheoldgentleman，helookedsoknowingthatTomblushed，andwassilent。
　　`Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，`thewidow’safinewoman——remarkablyfinewoman——eh，Tom？’Heretheoldfellowscreweduphiseyes，cockeduponeofhiswastedlittlelegs，andlookedaltogethersounpleasantlyamorous，thatTomwasquitedisgustedwiththelevityofhisbehaviour——athistimeoflife，too！
　　`Iamherguardian，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。
　　`Areyou？’inquiredTomSmart。
　　`Iknewhermother，Tom，’saidtheoldfellow。`andhergrandmother。
　　Shewasveryfondofme——mademethiswaistcoat，Tom。’
　　`Didshe？’saidTomSmart。
　　`Andtheseshoes，’saidtheoldfellow，liftinguponeofthered-clothmufflers。`butdon’tmentionit，Tom。Ishouldn’tliketohaveitknownthatshewassomuchattachedtome。Itmightoccasionsomeunpleasantnessinthefamily。’Whentheoldrascalsaidthis，helookedsoextremelyimpertinent，that，asTomSmartafterwardsdeclared，hecouldhavesatuponhimwithoutremorse。
　　`Ihavebeenagreatfavouriteamongthewomeninmytime，Tom，’saidtheprofligateolddebauchee。`hundredsoffinewomenhavesatinmylapforhourstogether。Whatdoyouthinkofthat，youdog，eh！’Theoldgentlemanwasproceedingtorecountsomeotherexploitsofhisyouth，whenhewasseizedwithsuchaviolentfitofcreakingthathewasunabletoproceed。
　　`Justservesyouright，oldboy，’thoughtTomSmart。buthedidn’tsayanything。
　　`Ah！’saidtheoldfellow，`Iamagooddealtroubledwiththisnow。
　　Iamgettingold，Tom，andhavelostnearlyallmyrails。Ihavehadanoperationperformed，too——asmallpieceletintomyback——andIfounditaseveretrial，Tom。’
　　`Idaresayyoudid，sir，’saidTomSmart。
　　`However，’saidtheoldgentleman，`that’snotthepoint。Tom！Iwantyoutomarrythewidow。’
　　`Me，sir！’saidTom。
　　`You。’saidtheoldgentleman。
　　`Blessyourreverendlocks，’saidTom——hehadafewscatteredhorse-hairsleft，`blessyourreverendlocks，shewouldn’thaveme。’AndTomsighedinvoluntarily，ashethoughtofthebar。
　　`Wouldn’tshe？’saidtheoldgentleman，firmly。
　　`No，no，’saidTom。`there’ssomebodyelseinthewind。Atallman——aconfoundedlytallman——withblackwhiskers。’
　　`Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`shewillneverhavehim。’
　　`Won’tshe？’saidTom。`Ifyoustoodinthebar，oldgentleman，you’dtellanotherstory。’
　　`Pooh，pooh，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Iknowallaboutthat。’
　　`Aboutwhat？’saidTom。
　　`Thekissingbehindthedoor，andallthatsortofthing，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。Andherehegaveanotherimpudentlook，whichmadeTomverywroth，becauseasyouallknow，gentlemen，tohearanoldfellow，whooughttoknowbetter，talkingaboutthesethings，isveryunpleasant——nothingmoreso。
　　`Iknowallaboutthat，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Ihaveseenitdoneveryofteninmytime，Tom，betweenmorepeoplethanIshouldliketomentiontoyou。butitnevercametoanythingafterall。’
　　`Youmusthaveseensomequeerthings，’saidTom，withaninquisitivelook。
　　`Youmaysaythat，now，’repliedtheoldfellow，withaverycomplicatedwink。`Iamthelastofmyfamily，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，withamelancholysigh。
　　`Wasitalargeone？’inquiredTomSmart。
　　`Thereweretwelveofus，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`finestraight-backed，handsomefellowsasyou’dwishtosee。Noneofyourmodernabortions——allwitharms，andwithadegreeofpolish，thoughIsayitthatshouldnot，whichwouldhavedoneyourheartgoodtobehold。’
　　`Andwhat’sbecomeoftheothers，sir？’askedTomSmart。
　　Theoldgentlemanappliedhiselbowtohiseyeashereplied，`Gone，Tom，gone。Wehadhardservice，Tom，andtheyhadn’tallmyconstitution。
　　Theygotrheumaticaboutthelegsandarms，andwentintokitchensandotherhospitals。andoneof’em，withlongserviceandhardusage，positivelylosthissenses：——hegotsocrazythathewasobligedtobeburnt。Shockingthingthat，Tom。’
　　`Dreadful！’saidTomSmart。
　　Theoldfellowpausedforafewminutes，apparentlystrugglingwithhisfeelingsofemotion，andthensaid：
　　`However，Tom，Iamwanderingfromthepoint。Thistallman，Tom，isarascallyadventurer。Themomenthemarriedthewidow，hewouldselloffallthefurniture，andrunaway。Whatwouldbetheconsequence？Shewouldbedesertedandreducedtoruin，andIshouldcatchmydeathofcoldinsomebroker’sshop。’
　　`Yes，but——’
　　`Don’tinterruptme，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Ofyou，Tom，Ientertainaverydifferentopinion。forIwellknowthatifyouoncesettledyourselfinapublic-house，youwouldneverleaveit，aslongastherewasanythingtodrinkwithinitswalls。’
　　`Iamverymuchobligedtoyouforyourgoodopinion，sir，’saidTomSmart。
　　`Therefore，’resumedtheoldgentleman，inadictatorialtone。`youshallhaveher，andheshallnot。’
　　Whatistopreventit？’saidTomSmart，eagerly。
　　`Thisdisclosure，’repliedtheoldgentleman。`heisalreadymarried。’
　　`HowcanIproveit？’saidTom，startinghalfoutofbed。
　　Theoldgentlemanuntuckedhisarmfromhisside，andhavingpointedtooneoftheoakenpresses，immediatelyreplaceditinitsoldposition。
　　`Helittlethinks，’saidtheoldgentleman，`thatintheright-handpocketofapairoftrousersinthatpress，hehasleftaletter，entreatinghimtoreturntohisdisconsolatewife，withsix——markme，Tom——sixbabes，andallofthemsmallones。’
　　Astheoldgentlemansolemnlyutteredthesewords，hisfeaturesgrewlessandlessdistinct，andhisfiguremoreshadowy。AfilmcameoverTomSmart’seyes。Theoldmanseemedgraduallyblendingintothechair，thedamaskwaistcoattoresolveintoacushion，theredslipperstoshrinkintolittleredclothbags。Thelightfadedgentlyaway，andTomSmartfellbackonhispillow，anddroppedasleep。
　　MorningarousedTomfromthelethargicslumber，intowhichhehadfallenonthedisappearanceoftheoldman。Hesatupinbed，andforsomeminutesvainlyendeavouredtorecalltheeventsoftheprecedingnight。Suddenlytheyrusheduponhim。Helookedatthechair。itwasafantasticandgrim-lookingpieceoffurniture，certainly，butitmusthavebeenaremarkablyingeniousandlivelyimagination，thatcouldhavediscoveredanyresemblancebetweenitandanoldman。
　　`Howareyou，oldboy？’saidTom。Hewasbolderinthedaylight——mostmenare。
　　Thechairremainedmotionless，andspokenotaword。
　　`Miserablemorning，’saidTom。No。Thechairwouldnotbedrawnintoconversation。
　　`Whichpressdidyoupointto？——youcantellmethat，’saidTom。Devilaword，gentlemen，thechairwouldsay。
　　`It’snotmuchtroubletoopenit，anyhow，’saidTom，gettingoutofbedverydeliberately。Hewalkeduptooneofthepresses。Thekeywasinthelock。heturnedit，andopenedthedoor。Therewasapairoftrousersthere。Heputhishandintothepocket，anddrewforththeidenticallettertheoldgentlemanhaddescribed！
　　`Queersortofthing，this，’saidTomSmart。lookingfirstatthechairandthenatthepress，andthenattheletter，andthenatthechairagain。
　　`Veryqueer，’saidTom。But，astherewasnothingineither，tolessenthequeerness，hethoughthemightaswelldresshimself，andsettlethetallman’sbusinessatonce——justtoputhimoutofhismisery。
　　Tomsurveyedtheroomshepassedthrough，onhiswaydown-stairs，withthescrutinisingeyeofalandlord。thinkingitnotimpossible，thatbeforelong，theyandtheircontentswouldbehisproperty。Thetallmanwasstandinginthesnuglittlebar，withhishandsbehindhim，quiteathome。HegrinnedvacantlyatTom。Acasualobservermighthavesupposedhedidit，onlytoshowhiswhiteteeth。butTomSmartthoughtthataconsciousnessoftriumphwaspassingthroughtheplacewherethetallman’smindwouldhavebeen，ifhehadhadany。Tomlaughedinhisface。andsummonedthelandlady。
　　`Goodmorning，ma’am，’saidTomSmart，closingthedoorofthelittleparlourasthewidowentered。
　　`Goodmorning，sir，’saidthewidow。`Whatwillyoutakeforbreakfast，sir？’
　　Tomwasthinkinghowheshouldopenthecase，sohemadenoanswer。
　　`There’saveryniceham，’saidthewidow，`andabeautifulcoldlardedfowl。ShallIsend’emin，sir？’
　　ThesewordsrousedTomfromhisreflections。Hisadmirationofthewidowincreasedasshespoke。Thoughtfulcreature！Comfortableprovider！
　　`Whoisthatgentlemaninthebar，ma’am？’inquiredTom。
　　`HisnameisJinkins，sir，’saidthewidow，slightlyblushing。
　　`He’satallman，’saidTom。
　　`Heisaveryfineman，sir，’repliedthewidow，`andaverynicegentleman。’
　　`Ah！’saidTom。
　　`Isthereanythingmoreyouwant，sir？’inquiredthewidow，ratherpuzzledbyTom’smanner。
　　`Why，yes，’saidTom。`Mydearma’am，willyouhavethekindnesstositdownforonemoment？’
　　Thewidowlookedmuchamazed，butshesatdown，andTomsatdowntoo，closebesideher。Idon’tknowhowithappened，gentlemen——indeedmyuncleusedtotellmethatTomSmartsaidhedidn’tknowhowithappenedeither——butsomehoworotherthepalmofTom’shandfelluponthebackofthewidow’shand，andremainedtherewhilehespoke。
　　`Mydearma’am，’saidTomSmart——hehadalwaysagreatnotionofcommittingtheamiable——`Mydearma’am，youdeserveaveryexcellenthusband——youdoindeed。’
　　`Lor’，sir！’saidthewidow——aswellshemight：Tom’smodeofcommencingtheconversationbeingratherunusual，nottosaystartling。thefactofhisneverhavingseteyesuponherbeforethepreviousnight，beingtakenintoconsideration。`Lor’，sir！’
　　`Iscorntoflatter，mydearma’am，’saidTomSmart。`Youdeserveaveryadmirablehusband，andwhoeverheis，he’llbeaveryluckyman。’