Bequiet，can’tyou，murmuredSam。
Sam，whisperedMr。Weller，amomentafterwards，inatoneofdeepagitation，markmyvords，myboy。Ifthat’eresecretaryfellowkeepsonforonlyfiveminutesmore，he’llblowhisselfupwithtoastandwater。
Well，lethim，ifhelikes，repliedSam。itain’tnobis’nesso’
yourn。
Ifthisherelastsmuchlonger，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，inthesamelowvoice，Ishallfeelitmyduty，asahumanbein’，toriseandaddressthecheer。There’sayoung’oomanonthenextformbuttwo，ashasdrunkninebreakfastcupsandahalf。andshe’saswellin’wisiblybeforemyweryeyes。
ThereislittledoubtthatMr。Wellerwouldhavecarriedhisbenevolentintentionintoimmediateexecution，ifagreatnoise，occasionedbyputtingupthecupsandsaucers，hadnotveryfortunatelyannouncedthatthetea-drinkingwasover。Thecrockeryhavingbeenremoved，thetablewiththegreenbaizecoverwascarriedoutintothecentreoftheroom，andthebusinessoftheeveningwascommencedbyalittleemphaticman，withabaldhead，anddrabshorts，whosuddenlyrusheduptheladder，attheimminentperilofsnappingthetwolittlelegsencasedinthedrabshorts，andsaid：
Ladiesandgentlemen，Imoveourexcellentbrother，Mr。AnthonyHumm，intothechair。
Theladieswavedachoicecollectionofpocket-handkerchiefsatthisproposition：andtheimpetuouslittlemanliterallymovedMr。Hummintothechair，bytakinghimbytheshouldersandthrustinghimintoamahogany-framewhichhadoncerepresentedthatarticleoffurniture。Thewavingofhandkerchiefswasrenewed。andMr。Humm，whowasasleek，white-facedman，inaperpetualperspiration，bowedmeekly，tothegreatadmirationofthefemales，andformallytookhisseat。Silencewasthenproclaimedbythelittlemaninthedrabshorts，andMr。Hummroseandsaid——That，withthepermissionofhisBrickLaneBranchbrothersandsisters，thenandtherepresent，thesecretarywouldreadthereportoftheBrickLaneBranchcommittee。
apropositionwhichwasagainreceivedwithademonstrationofpocket-handkerchiefs。
Thesecretaryhavingsneezedinaveryimpressivemanner，andthecoughwhichalwaysseizesanassembly，whenanythingparticularisgoingtobedone，havingbeendulyperformed，thefollowingdocumentwasread：
REPORTOFTHECOMMITTEEOFTHEBRICKLANEBRANCHOFTHE
UNITEDGRANDJUNCTIONEBENEZERTEMPERANCEASSOCIATION
Yourcommitteehavepursuedtheirgratefullaboursduringthepastmonth，andhavetheunspeakablepleasureofreportingthefollowingadditionalcasesofconvertstoTemperance。
H。Walker，tailor，wife，andtwochildren。Wheninbettercircumstances，ownstohavingbeenintheconstanthabitofdrinkingaleandbeer。saysheisnotcertainwhetherhedidnottwiceaweek，fortwentyyears，taste`dog’snose，’whichyourcommitteefinduponinquiry，tobecompoundedofwarmporter，moistsugar，gin，andnutmegagroan，and`Soitis！’
fromanelderlyfemale。Isnowoutofworkandpenniless。thinksitmustbetheportercheersorthelossoftheuseofhisrighthand。isnotcertainwhich，butthinksitverylikelythat，ifhehaddrunknothingbutwaterallhislife，hisfellowworkmanwouldneverhavestuckarustyneedleinhim，andtherebyoccasionedhisaccidenttremendouscheering。
Hasnothingbutcoldwatertodrink，andneverfeelsthirstygreatapplause。
BetsyMartin，widow，onechild，andoneeye。Goesoutcharingandwashing，bytheday。neverhadmorethanoneeye，butknowshermotherdrankbottledstout，andshouldn’twonderifthatcauseditimmensecheering。Thinksitnotimpossiblethatifshehadalwaysabstainedfromspirits，shemighthavehadtwoeyesbythistimetremendousapplause。Used，ateveryplaceshewentto，tohaveeighteenpenceaday，apintofporter，andaglassofspirits。butsinceshebecameamemberoftheBrickLaneBranch，hasalwaysdemandedthreeandsixpenceinsteadtheannouncementofthismostinterestingfactwasreceivedwithdeafeningenthusiasm。
HenryBellerwasformanyyearstoast-masteratvariouscorporationdinners，duringwhichtimehedrankagreatdealofforeignwine。maysometimeshavecarriedabottleortwohomewithhim。isnotquitecertainofthat，butissureifhedid，thathedrankthecontents。Feelsverylowandmelancholy，isveryfeverish，andhasaconstantthirstuponhim。thinksitmustbethewineheusedtodrinkcheers。Isoutofemploynow：andnevertouchesadropofforeignwinebyanychancetremendousplaudits。
ThomasBurtonispurveyorofcat’smeattotheLordMayorandSheriffs，andseveralmembersoftheCommonCounciltheannouncementofthisgentleman’snamewasreceivedwithbreathlessinterest。Hasawoodenleg。findsawoodenlegexpensive，goingoverthestones。usedtowearsecond-handwoodenlegs，anddrinkaglassofhotginandwaterregularlyeverynight——sometimestwodeepsighs。Foundthesecond-handwoodenlegssplitandrotveryquickly。isfirmlypersuadedthattheirconstitutionwasunderminedbytheginandwaterprolongedcheering。Buysnewwoodenlegsnow，anddrinksnothingbutwaterandweaktea。Thenewlegslasttwiceaslongastheothersusedtodo，andheattributesthissolelytohistemperatehabitstriumphantcheers。
AnthonyHummnowmovedthattheassemblydoregaleitselfwithasong。
Withaviewtotheirrationalandmoralenjoyment，BrotherMordlinhadadaptedthebeautifulwordsofWhohasn’theardofaJollyYoungWaterman？
tothetuneoftheOldHundredth，whichhewouldrequestthemtojoinhiminsinginggreatapplause。HemighttakethatopportunityofexpressinghisfirmpersuasionthatthelateMr。Dibdin，seeingtheerrorsofhisformerlife，hadwrittenthatsongtoshowtheadvantagesofabstinence。
Itwasatemperancesongwhirlwindsofcheers。Theneatnessoftheyoungman’sattire，thedexterityofhisfeathering，theenviablestateofmindwhichenabledhiminthebeautifulwordsofthepoet，toRowalong，thinkingofnothingatall，allcombinedtoprovethathemusthavebeenawater-drinkercheers。Oh，whatastateofvirtuousjollity！rapturouscheering。Andwhatwastheyoungman’sreward？Letallyoungmenpresentmarkthis：Themaidensallflock’dtohisboatsoreadily。Loudcheers，inwhichtheladiesjoined。Whatabrightexample！Thesisterhood，themaidens，flockingroundtheyoungwaterman，andurginghimalongthestreamofdutyandoftemperance。But，wasitthemaidensofhumblelifeonly，whosoothed，consoled，andsupportedhim？No！Hewasalwaysfirstoarswiththefinecityladies。Immensecheering。Thesoftsextoaman——hebeggedpardon，toafemale——ralliedroundtheyoungwaterman，andturnedwithdisgustfromthedrinkerofspiritscheers。TheBrickLaneBranchbrotherswerewatermencheersandlaughter。
Thatroomwastheirboat。thataudiencewerethemaidens。andheMr。AnthonyHumm，howeverunworthily，wasfirstoarsunboundedapplause。
Wotdoeshemeanbythesoftsex，Sammy？inquiredMr。Weller，inawhisper。
Thewomin，saidSam，inthesametone。
Heain’tfaroutthere，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller。theymustbeasoftsex，——awerysoftsex，indeed——iftheyletthemselvesbegammonedbysuchfellersashim。
Anyfurtherobservationsfromtheindignantoldgentlemanwerecutshortbytheannouncementofthesong，whichMr。AnthonyHummgaveout，twolinesatatime，fortheinformationofsuchofhishearersaswereunacquaintedwiththelegend。Whileitwasbeingsung，thelittlemanwiththedrabshortsdisappeared。hereturnedimmediatelyonitsconclusion，andwhisperedMr。AnthonyHumm，withafaceofthedeepestimportance。
Myfriends，saidMr。Humm，holdinguphishandinadeprecatorymanner，tobespeakthesilenceofsuchofthestoutoldladiesaswereyetalineortwobehind。myfriends，adelegatefromtheDorkingbranchofourSociety，BrotherStiggins，attendsbelow。
Outcamethepocket-handkerchiefsagain，ingreaterforcethanever。
forMr。StigginswasexcessivelypopularamongthefemaleconstituencyofBrickLane。
Hemayapproach，Ithink，saidMr。Humm，lookingroundhim，withafatsmile。BrotherTadger，lethimcomeforthandgreetus。
ThelittlemaninthedrabshortswhoansweredtothenameofBrotherTadger，bustleddowntheladderwithgreatspeed，andwasimmediatelyafterwardsheardtumblingupwiththereverendMr。Stiggins。
He’sisacomin’，Sammy，whisperedMr。Weller，purpleinthecountenancewithsuppressedlaughter。
Don’tsaynothin’tome，repliedSam，forIcan’tbearit。He’sclosetothedoor。Iheardhima-knockin’hisheadagainthelathandplasternow。
AsSamWellerspoke，thelittledoorflewopen，andBrotherTadgerappeared，closelyfollowedbythereverendMr。Stiggins，whonosoonerentered，thantherewasagreatclappingofhands，andstampingoffeet，andflourishingofhandkerchiefs。toallofwhichmanifestationsofdelight，BrotherStigginsreturnednootheracknowledgmentthanstaringwithawildeye，andafixedsmile，attheextremetopofthewickofthecandleonthetable：swayinghisbodytoandfro，meanwhile，inaveryunsteadyanduncertainmanner。
Areyouunwell，BrotherStiggins？whisperedMr。AnthonyHumm。
Iamallright，sir，repliedMr。Stiggins，inatoneinwhichferocitywasblendedwithanextremethicknessofutterance。Iamallright，sir。
Oh，verywell，rejoinedMr。AnthonyHumm，retreatingafewpaces。
Ibelievenomanhere，hasventuredtosaythatIamnotallright，sir？saidMr。Stiggins。
Oh，certainlynot，saidMr。Humm。
Ishouldadvisehimnotto，sir。Ishouldadvisehimnot，saidMr。
Stiggins。
Bythistimetheaudiencewereperfectlysilent，andwaitedwithsomeanxietyfortheresumptionofbusiness。
Willyouaddressthemeeting，brother？saidMr。Humm，withasmileofinvitation。
No，sir，rejoinedMr。Stiggins。No，sir。Iwillnot，sir。
Themeetinglookedateachotherwithraisedeye-lids。andamurmurofastonishmentranthroughtheroom。
It’smyopinion，sir，saidMr。Stiggins，unbuttoninghiscoat，andspeakingveryloudly。it’smyopinion，sir，thatthismeetingisdrunk，sir。BrotherTadger，sir！saidMr。Stiggins，suddenlyincreasinginferocity，andturningsharproundonthelittlemaninthedrabshorts，youaredrunk，sir！Withthis，Mr。Stiggins，entertainingapraiseworthydesiretopromotethesobrietyofthemeeting，andtoexcludetherefromallimpropercharacters，hitBrotherTadgeronthesummitofthenosewithsuchunerringaim，thatthedrabshortsdisappearedlikeaflashoflightning。BrotherTadgerhadbeenknocked，headfirst，downtheladder。
Uponthis，thewomensetupaloudanddismalscreaming。andrushinginsmallpartiesbeforetheirfavouritebrothers，flungtheirarmsaroundthemtopreservethemfromdanger。Aninstanceofaffection，whichhadnearlyprovedfataltoHumm，who，beingextremelypopular，wasallbutsuffocated，bythecrowdoffemaledevoteesthathungabouthisneck，andheapedcaressesuponhim。Thegreaterpartofthelightswerequicklyputout，andnothingbutnoiseandconfusionresoundedonallsides。
Now，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，takingoffhisgreatcoatwithmuchdeliberation，justyoustepout，andfetchinawatchman。
Andwotareyouagoin’todo，thewhile？inquiredSam。
Neveryoumindme，Sammy，repliedtheoldgentleman。Ishallockipymyselfinhavin’asmallsettlementwiththat’ereStiggins。BeforeSamcouldinterferetopreventit，hisheroicparenthadpenetratedintoaremotecorneroftheroom，andattackedthereverendMr。Stigginswithmanualdexterity。
Comeoff！saidSam。
Comeon！criedMr。Weller。andwithoutfurtherinvitationhegavethereverendMr。Stigginsapreliminarytaponthehead，andbegandancingroundhiminabuoyantandcork-likemanner，whichinagentlemanathistimeoflifewasaperfectmarveltobehold。
Findingallremonstranceunavailing，Sampulledhishatfirmlyon，threwhisfather’scoatoverhisarm，andtakingtheoldmanroundthewaist，forciblydraggedhimdowntheladder，andintothestreet。neverreleasinghishold，orpermittinghimtostop，untiltheyreachedthecorner。Astheygainedit，theycouldheartheshoutsofthepopulace，whowerewitnessingtheremovalofthereverendMr。Stigginstostronglodgingsforthenight：
andcouldhearthenoiseoccasionedbythedispersioninvariousdirectionsofthemembersoftheBrickLaneBranchoftheUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter34[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIVISWHOLLYDEVOTEDTOAFULLANDFAITHFULREPORTOF
THEMEMORABLETRIALOFBARDELLAGAINSTPICKWICK
IWONDERwhattheforemanofthejury，whoeverhe’llbe，hasgotforbreakfast，saidMr。Snodgrass，bywayofkeepingupaconversationontheeventfulmorningofthefourteenthofFebruary。
Ah！saidPerker，Ihopehe’sgotagoodone。
Whyso？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
Highlyimportant。veryimportant，mydearsir，repliedPerker。A
good，contented，well-breakfastedjuryman，isacapitalthingtogetholdof。Discontentedorhungryjurymen，mydearsir，alwaysfindfortheplaintiff。
Blessmyheart，saidMr。Pickwick，lookingveryblank。whatdotheydothatfor？
Why，Idon’tknow，repliedthelittleman，coolly。savestime，I
suppose。Ifit’sneardinner-time，theforemantakesouthiswatchwhenthejuryhasretired，andsays，`Dearme，gentlemen，tenminutestofive，Ideclare！Idineatfive，gentlemen。’`SodoI，’sayseverybodyelse，excepttwomenwhooughttohavedinedatthree，andseemmorethanhalfdisposedtostandoutinconsequence。Theforemansmiles，andputsuphiswatch：——`Well，gentlemen，whatdowesay，plaintiffordefendant，gentlemen？
Iratherthink，sofarasIamconcerned，gentlemen，——Isay，Iratherthink，——butdon’tletthatinfluenceyou——Iratherthinktheplaintiff’stheman。’Uponthis，twoorthreeothermenaresuretosaythattheythinksotoo——asofcoursetheydo。andthentheygetonveryunanimouslyandcomfortably。Tenminutespastnine！saidthelittleman，lookingathiswatch。Timewewereoff，mydearsir。breachofpromisetrial——courtisgenerallyfullinsuchcases。Youhadbetterringforacoach，mydearsir，orweshallberatherlate。
Mr。Pickwickimmediatelyrangthebell。andacoachhavingbeenprocured，thefourPickwickiansandMr。Perkerensconcedthemselvestherein，anddrovetoGuildhall。SamWeller，Mr。Lowten，andthebluebag，followinginacab。
Lowten，saidPerker，whentheyreachedtheouterhallofthecourt，putMr。Pickwick’sfriendsinthestudents’box。Mr。Pickwickhimselfhadbettersitbyme。Thisway，mydearsir，thisway。TakingMr。Pickwickbythecoat-sleeve，thelittlemanledhimtothelowseatjustbeneaththedesksoftheKing’sCounsel，whichisconstructedfortheconvenienceofattorneys，whofromthatspotcanwhisperintotheearoftheleadingcounselinthecase，anyinstructionsthatmaybenecessaryduringtheprogressofthetrial。Theoccupantsofthisseatareinvisibletothegreatbodyofspectators，inasmuchastheysitonamuchlowerlevelthaneitherthebarristersortheaudience，whoseseatsareraisedabovethefloor。Ofcoursetheyhavetheirbackstoboth，andtheirfacestowardsthejudge。
That’sthewitness-box，Isuppose？saidMr。Pickwick，pointingtoakindofpulpit，withabrassrail，onhislefthand。
That’sthewitness-box，mydearsir，repliedPerker，disinterringaquantityofpapersfromthebluebag，whichLowtenhadjustdepositedathisfeet。
Andthat，saidMr。Pickwick，pointingtoacoupleofenclosedseatsonhisright，that’swherethejurymensit，isitnot？
Theidenticalplace，mydearsir，repliedPerker，tappingthelidofhissnuff-box。
Mr。Pickwickstoodupinastateofgreatagitation，andtookaglanceatthecourt。Therewerealreadyaprettylargesprinklingofspectatorsinthegallery，andanumerousmusterofgentlemeninwigs，inthebarristers’
seats：whopresented，asabody，allthatpleasingandextensivevarietyofnoseandwhiskerforwhichthebarofEnglandissojustlycelebrated。
Suchofthegentlemenashadabrieftocarry，carrieditinasconspicuousamanneraspossible，andoccasionallyscratchedtheirnosestherewith，toimpressthefactmorestronglyontheobservationofthespectators。
Othergentlemen，whohadnobriefstoshow，carriedundertheirarmsgoodlyoctavos，witharedlabelbehind，andthatunderdone-pie-crust-colouredcover，whichistechnicallyknownaslawcalf。Others，whohadneitherbriefsnorbooks，thrusttheirhandsintotheirpockets，andlookedaswiseastheyconvenientlycould。others，again，movedhereandtherewithgreatrestlessnessandearnestnessofmanner，contenttoawakentherebytheadmirationandastonishmentoftheuninitiatedstrangers。Thewhole，tothegreatwondermentofMr。Pickwick，weredividedintolittlegroups，whowerechattinganddiscussingthenewsofthedayinthemostunfeelingmannerpossible，——justasifnotrialatallwerecomingon。
AbowfromMr。Phunky，asheentered，andtookhisseatbehindtherowappropriatedtotheKing’sCounsel，attractedMr。Pickwick’sattention。
andhehadscarcelyreturnedit，whenMr。SerjeantSnubbinappeared，followedbyMr。Mallard，whohalfhidtheSerjeantbehindalargecrimsonbag，whichheplacedonhistable，and，aftershakinghandswithPerker，withdrew。
ThenthereenteredtwoorthreemoreSerjeants。andamongthem，onewithafatbodyandaredface，whonoddedinafriendlymannertoMr。SerjeantSnubbin，andsaiditwasafinemorning。
Who’sthatred-facedman，whosaiditwasafinemorning，andnoddedtoourcounsel？whisperedMr。Pickwick。
Mr。SerjeantBuzfuz，repliedPerker。He’sopposedtous。heleadsontheotherside。ThatgentlemanbehindhimisMr。Skimpin，hisjunior。
Mr。Pickwickwasonthepointofinquiring，withgreatabhorrenceoftheman’scold-bloodedvillainy，howMr。SerjeantBuzfuz，whowascounselfortheoppositeparty，daredtopresumetotellMr。SerjeantSnubbin，whowascounselforhim，thatitwasafinemorning，whenhewasinterruptedbyageneralrisingofthebarristers，andaloudcryofSilence！fromtheofficersofthecourt。Lookinground，hefoundthatthiswascausedbytheentranceofthejudge。
Mr。JusticeStareleighwhosatintheabsenceoftheChiefJustice，occasionedbyindisposition，wasamostparticularlyshortman，andsofat，thatheseemedallfaceandwaistcoat。Herolledin，upontwolittleturnedlegs，andhavingbobbedgravelytothebar，whobobbedgravelytohim，puthislittlelegsunderneathhistable，andhislittlethree-corneredhatuponit。andwhenMr。JusticeStareleighhaddonethis，allyoucouldseeofhimwastwoqueerlittleeyes，onebroadpinkface，andsomewhereabouthalfofabigandverycomical-lookingwig。
Thejudgehadnosoonertakenhisseat，thantheofficeronthefloorofthecourtcalledoutSilence！inacommandingtone，uponwhichanotherofficerinthegallerycriedSilence！inanangrymanner，whereuponthreeorfourmoreushersshoutedSilence！inavoiceofindignantremonstrance。
Thisbeingdone，agentlemaninblack，whosatbelowthejudge，proceededtocalloverthenamesofthejury。andafteragreatdealofbawling，itwasdiscoveredthatonlytenspecialjurymenwerepresent。Uponthis，Mr。SerjeantBuzfuzprayedatales。thegentlemaninblackthenproceededtopressintothespecialjury，twoofthecommonjurymen。andagreen-grocerandachemistwerecaughtdirectly。
Answertoyournames，gentlemen，thatyoumaybesworn，saidthegentlemaninblack。RichardUpwitch。
Here，saidthegreen-grocer。
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第18章