WhenyouhavegainedthetopofMountTaurira，yourunpresentlydowntoLyons。Adieuthentoallrapidmovements！Itisajourneyofcaution，anditfaresbetterwithsentimentsnottobeinahurrywiththem，soIcontractedwithavolturintotakehistimewithacoupleofmulesandconveymeinmyownchaisesafetoTurinthroughSavoy。
　　Poor，patient，quiet，honestpeople，fearnot！Yourpoverty，thetreasuryofyoursimplevirtues，willnotbeenviedyoubytheworld，norwillyourvaluesbeinvadedbyit。Nature，inthemidstofthydisorders，thouartstillfriendlytothescantinessthouhastcreated。withallthygreatworksabouttheelittlehastthoulefttogive，eithertothescytheortothesickle，buttothatlittlethougrantestsafetyandprotection，andsweetarethedwellingswhichstandsosheltered！
　　WilliamMakepeaceThackerayOnBeingFoundOutAtthecloseletussayofQueenAnne’sreign，whenIwasaboyataprivateandpreparatoryschoolforyounggentlemen，Irememberthewiseacreofamasterorderingusall，onenight，tomarchintoalittlegardenatthebackofthehouse，andthencetoproceedonebyoneintoatoolorhenhouseIwasbutatenderlittlethingjustputintoshortclothes，andcan’texactlysaywhetherthehousewasfortoolsorhens，andinthathousetoputourhandsintoasackwhichstoodonabench，acandleburningbesideit。I
　　putmyhandintothesack。Myhandcameoutquiteblack。Iwentandjoinedtheotherboysintheschoolroom。andalltheirhandswereblacktoo。
　　Byreasonofmytenderageandtherearesomecriticswho，Ihope，willbesatisfiedbymyacknowledgingthatIamahundredandfifty-sixnextbirthdayIcouldnotunderstandwhatwasthemeaningofthisnightexcursion——thiscandle，thistoolhouse，thisbagofsoot。Ithinkwelittleboysweretakenoutofoursleeptobebroughttotheordeal。Wecame，then，andshowedourlittlehandstothemaster。washedthemornot——mostprobably，Ishouldsay，not——andsowentbewilderedbacktobed。
　　Somethinghadbeenstolenintheschoolthatday。andMr。Wiseacrehavingreadinabookofaningeniousmethodoffindingoutathiefbymakinghimputhishandintoasackwhich，ifguilty，theroguewouldshirkfromdoing，allweboysweresubjectedtothetrial。
　　Goodnessknowswhatthelostobjectwas，orwhostoleit。Weallhadblackhandstoshowthemaster。Andthethief，whoeverhewas，wasnotFoundOutthattime。
　　Iwonderiftherascalisalive——anelderlyscoundrelhemustbebythistime。andahoaryoldhypocrite，towhomanoldschoolfellowpresentshiskindestregards——parentheticallyremarkingwhatadreadfulplacethatprivateschoolwas。cold，chilblains，baddinners，notenoughvictuals，andcaningawful！——Areyoualivestill，Isay，younamelessvillain，whoescapeddiscoveryonthatdayofcrime？Ihopeyouhaveescapedoftensince，oldsinner。
　　Ah，whataluckythingitis，foryouandme，myman，thatweareNOTfoundoutinallourpeccadilloes。andthatourbackscanslipawayfromthemasterandthecane！
　　Justconsiderwhatlifewouldbe，ifeveryroguewasfoundout，andfloggedcorampopulo！Whatabutchery，whatanindecency，whatanendlessswishingoftherod！Don’tcryoutaboutmymisanthropy。
　　MygoodfriendMealymouth，Iwilltroubleyoutotellme，doyougotochurch？Whenthere，doyousay，ordoyounot，thatyouareamiserablesinner，andsayingsodoyoubelieveordisbelieveit？
　　IfyouareaM。S。，don’tyoudeservecorrection，andaren’tyougratefulifyouaretobeletoff？Isayagainwhatablessedthingitisthatwearenotallfoundout！
　　Justpicturetoyourselfeverybodywhodoeswrongbeingfoundout，andpunishedaccordingly。Fancyalltheboysinalltheschoolbeingwhipped。andthentheassistants，andthentheheadmasterDr。Badfordletuscallhim。Fancytheprovostmarshalbeingtiedup，havingpreviouslysuperintendedthecorrectionofthewholearmy。Aftertheyounggentlemenhavehadtheirturnforthefaultyexercises，fancyDr。LincolnsinnbeingtakenupforcertainfaultsinHISEssayandReview。Aftertheclergymanhascriedhispeccavi，supposewehoistupabishop，andgivehimacoupleofdozen！IseemyLordBishopofDouble-Gloucestersittinginaveryuneasypostureonhisrightreverendbench。Afterwehavecastoffthebishop，whatarewetosaytotheMinisterwhoappointedhim？MyLordCinqwarden，itispainfultohavetousepersonalcorrectiontoaboyofyourage。butreally……Sistetandemcarnifex！Thebutcheryistoohorrible。Thehanddropspowerless，appalledatthequantityofbirchwhichitmustcutandbrandish。Iamgladwearenotallfoundout，Isayagain。andprotest，mydearbrethren，againstourhavingourdeserts。
　　Tofancyallmenfoundoutandpunishedisbadenough。butimagineallthewomenfoundoutinthedistinguishedsocialcircleinwhichyouandIhavethehonortomove。Isitnotamercythatamanyofthesefaircriminalsremainunpunishedandundiscovered！ThereisMrs。Longbow，whoisforeverpracticing，andwhoshootspoisonedarrows，too。whenyoumeetheryoudon’tcallherliar，andchargeherwiththewickednessshehasdoneandisdoing。ThereisMrs。
　　Painter，whopassesforamostrespectablewoman，andamodelinsociety。Thereisnouseinsayingwhatyoureallyknowregardingherandhergoingson。ThereisDianaHunter——whatalittlehaughtyprudeitis。andyetWEknowstoriesaboutherwhicharenotaltogetheredifying。Isayitisbestforthesakeofthegood，thatthebadshouldnotallbefoundout。Youdon’twantyourchildrentoknowthehistoryofthatladyinthenextbox，whoissohandsome，andwhomtheyadmireso。Ahme，whatwouldlifebeifwewereallfoundoutandpunishedforallourfaults？JackKetchwouldbeinpermanence。andthenwhowouldhangJackKetch？
　　Theytalkofmurderersbeingprettycertainlyfoundout。Psha！I
　　haveheardanauthorityawfullycompetentvowanddeclarethatscoresandhundredsofmurdersarecommitted，andnobodyisthewiser。Thatterriblemanmentionedoneortwowaysofcommittingmurder，whichhemaintainedwerequitecommon，andwerescarcelyeverfoundout。Aman，forinstance，comeshometohiswife，and……butIpause——IknowthatthisMagazinehasaverylargecirculation。*Hundredsandhundredsofthousands——whynotsayamillionofpeopleatonce？——well，sayamillion，readit。Andamongthesecountlessreaders，Imightbeteachingsomemonsterhowtomakeawaywithhiswifewithoutbeingfoundout，somefiendofawomanhowtodestroyherdearhusband。IwillNOTthentellthiseasyandsimplewayofmurder，ascommunicatedtomebyamostrespectablepartyintheconfidenceofprivateintercourse。
　　Supposesomegentlereaderweretotrythismostsimpleandeasyreceipt——itseemstomealmostinfallible——andcometogriefinconsequence，andbefoundoutandhanged？ShouldIeverpardonmyselfforhavingbeenthemeansofdoinginjurytoasingleoneofouresteemedsubscribers？TheprescriptionwhereofIspeak——thatistosay，whereofIDON’Tspeak——shallbeburiedinthisbosom。
　　No，Iamahumaneman。IamnotoneofyourBluebeardstogoandsaytomywife，Mydear！IamgoingawayforafewdaystoBrighton。Hereareallthekeysofthehouse。Youmayopeneverydoorandcloset，excepttheoneattheendoftheoakroomoppositethefireplace，withthelittlebronzeShakespeareonthemantelpieceorwhatnot。Idon’tsaythistoawoman——unless，tobesure，Iwanttogetridofher——because，aftersuchacaution，Iknowshe’llpeepintothecloset。Isaynothingabouttheclosetatall。Ikeepthekeyinmypocket，andabeingwhomI
　　love，butwho，asIknow，hasmanyweaknesses，outofharm’sway。
　　Youtossupyourhead，dearangel，drubonthegroundwithyourlovelylittlefeet，onthetablewithyoursweetrosyfingers，andcry，Oh，sneerer！Youdon’tknowthedepthofwoman’sfeeling，theloftyscornofalldeceit，theentireabsenceofmeancuriosityinthesex，ornever，neverwouldyoulibelusso！Ah，Delia！
　　dear，dearDelia！ItisbecauseIfancyIDOknowsomethingaboutyounotall，mind——no，no。nomanknowsthat——Ah，mybride，myringdove，myrose，mypoppet——choose，infact，whatevernameyoulike——bulbulofmygrove，fountainofmydesert，sunshineofmydarklinglife，andjoyofmydungeonedexistence，itisbecauseI
　　DOknowalittleaboutyouthatIconcludetosaynothingofthatprivatecloset，andkeepmykeyinmypocket。Youtakeawaythatclosetkeythen，andthehousekey。YoulockDeliain。Youkeepheroutofharm’swayandgadding，andsosheneverCANbefoundout。
　　*TheCornhill——editor。
　　Andyetbylittlestrangeaccidentsandcoincidentshowwearebeingfoundouteveryday。YourememberthatoldstoryoftheAbbeKakatoes，whotoldthecompanyatsupperonenighthowthefirstconfessionheeverreceivedwas——fromamurderer，letussay。
　　PresentlyenterstosuppertheMarquisdeCroquemitaine。
　　Palsambleu，abbe！saysthebrilliantmarquis，takingapinchofsnuff，areyouhere？Gentlemenandladies！Iwastheabbe’sfirstpenitent，andImadehimaconfession，whichIpromiseyouastonishedhim。
　　Tobesurehowqueerlythingsarefoundout！Hereisaninstance。
　　OnlytheotherdayIwaswritingintheseRoundaboutPapersaboutacertainman，whomIfacetiouslycalledBaggs，andwhohadabusedmetomyfriends，whoofcoursetoldme。Shortlyafterthatpaperwaspublishedanotherfriend——Sacksletuscallhim——scowlsfiercelyatmeasIamsittinginperfectgoodhumorattheclub，andpassesonwithoutspeaking。Acut。Aquarrel。SacksthinksitisabouthimthatIwaswriting：whereas，uponmyhonorandconscience，Ineverhadhimonceinmymind，andwaspointingmymoralfromquiteanotherman。Butdon’tyousee，bythiswrathoftheguilty-
　　consciencedSacks，thathehadbeenabusingmetoo？Hehasownedhimselfguilty，neverhavingbeenaccused。Hehaswincedwhennobodythoughtofhittinghim。Ididbutputthecapout，andmadlybuttingandchafing，beholdmyfriendrushesouttoputhisheadintoit！Nevermind，Sacks，youarefoundout。butIbearyounomalice，myman。
　　Andyettobefoundout，Iknowfrommyownexperience，mustbepainfulandodious，andcruellymortifyingtotheinwardvanity。
　　SupposeIamapoltroon，letussay。Withfiercemustache，loudtalk，plentifuloaths，andanimmensestick，Ikeepupneverthelessacharacterforcourage。Iswearfearfullyatcabmenandwomen。
　　brandishmybludgeon，andperhapsknockdownalittlemanortwowithit：bragoftheimageswhichIbreakattheshootinggallery，andpassamongmyfriendsforawhiskeryfire-eater，afraidofneithermannordragon。Ahme！SupposesomebrisklittlechapstepsupandgivesmeacaninginSt。James’sStreet，withalltheheadsofmyfriendslookingoutofalltheclubwindows。Myreputationisgone。Ifrightennomanmore。Mynoseispulledbywhipper-snappers，whojumpuponachairtoreachit。Iamfoundout。Andinthedaysofmytriumphs，whenpeoplewereyetafraidofme，andweretakeninbymyswagger，IalwaysknewthatIwasalilyliver，andexpectedthatIshouldbefoundoutsomeday。
　　Thatcertaintyofbeingfoundoutmusthauntanddepressmanyaboldbraggadociospirit。Letussayitisaclergyman，whocanpumpcopiousfloodsoftearsoutofhisowneyesandthoseofhisaudience。Hethinkstohimself，Iambutapoorswindling，chatteringrogue。Mybillsareunpaid。IhavejiltedseveralwomenwhomIhavepromisedtomarry。Idon’tknowwhetherI
　　believewhatIpreach，andIknowIhavestolentheverysermonoverwhichIhavebeensniveling。Havetheyfoundmeout？sayshe，ashisheaddropsdownonthecushion。
　　Thenyourwriter，poet，historian，novelist，orwhatnot？TheBeaconsaysthatJones’sworkisoneofthefirstorder。TheLampdeclaresthatJones’stragedysurpasseseveryworksincethedaysofHimofAvon。TheCometassertsthatJ’s’LifeofGoodyTwoshoes’isa[Greektextomitted]，anobleandenduringmonumenttothefameofthatadmirableEnglishwoman，andsoforth。ButthenJonesknowsthathehaslentthecriticoftheBeaconfivepounds。thathispublisherhasahalfshareintheLamp。andthattheCornetcomesrepeatedlytodinewithhim。Itisallverywell。
　　Jonesisimmortaluntilheisfoundout。andthendowncomestheextinguisher，andtheimmortalisdeadandburied。Theideadiesirae！ofdiscoverymusthauntmanyaman，andmakehimuneasy，asthetrumpetsarepuffinginhistriumph。Brown，whohasahigherplacethanhedeserves，cowersbeforeSmith，whohasfoundhimout。
　　WhatisthechorusofcriticsshoutingBravo？——apublicclappinghandsandflinginggarlands？BrownknowsthatSmithhasfoundhimout。Puff，trumpets！Wave，banners！Huzza，boys，fortheimmortalBrown！Thisisallverywell，B。thinksbowingthewhile，smiling，layinghishandtohisheart。buttherestandsSmithatthewindow：HEhasmeasuredme。andsomedaytheotherswillfindmeouttoo。Itisaverycurioussensationtositbyamanwhohasfoundyouout，andwho，asyouknow，hasfoundyouout。
　　or，viceversa，tositwithamanwhomYOUhavefoundout。Histalent？Bah！Hisvirtue？Weknowalittlestoryortwoabouthisvirtue，andheknowsweknowit。WearethinkingoverfriendRobinson’santecedents，aswegrin，bowandtalk。andwearebothhumbugstogether。Robinsonagoodfellow，ishe？YouknowhowhebehavedtoHicks？Agood-naturedman，ishe？PraydoyourememberthatlittlestoryofMrs。Robinson’sblackeye？Howmenhavetowork，totalk，tosmile，togotobed，andtryandsleep，withthisdreadofbeingfoundoutontheirconsciences！Bardolph，whohasrobbedachurch，andNym，whohastakenapurse，gototheirusualhaunts，andsmoketheirpipeswiththeircompanions。Mr。DetectiveBullseyeappears，andsays，Oh，Bardolph！Iwantyouaboutthattherepyxbusiness！Mr。Bardolphknockstheashesoutofhispipe，putsouthishandstothelittlesteelcuffs，andwalksawayquitemeekly。Heisfoundout。Hemustgo。Good-by，’DollTearsheet！Good-by，Mrs。Quickly，ma’am！Theothergentlemenandladiesdelasocietelookonandexchangemuteadieuxwiththedepartingfriends。Andanassuredtimewillcomewhentheothergentlemenandladieswillbefoundouttoo。
　　Whatawonderfulandbeautifulprovisionofnatureithasbeenthat，forthemostpart，ourwomankindarenotendowedwiththefacultyoffindingusout！THEYdon’tdoubt，andprobe，andweigh，andtakeyourmeasure。Laydownthispaper，mybenevolentfriendandreader，gointoyourdrawing-roomnow，andutterajokeeversoold，andIwagersixpencetheladiestherewillallbegintolaugh。
　　GotoBrown’shouse，andtellMrs。Brownandtheyoungladieswhatyouthinkofhim，andseewhatawelcomeyouwillget！Inlikemanner，lethimcometoyourhouse，andtellYOURgoodladyhiscandidopinionofyou，andfancyhowshewillreceivehim！Wouldyouhaveyourwifeandchildrenknowyouexactlyforwhatyouare，andesteemyoupreciselyatyourworth？Ifso，myfriend，youwillliveinadrearyhouse，andyouwillhavebutachillyfireside。
　　Doyousupposethepeoplerounditdon’tseeyourhomelyfaceasunderaglamour，and，asitwere，withahaloofloveroundit？
　　Youdon’tfancyyouAREasyouseemtothem？Nosuchthing，myman。Putawaythatmonstrousconceit，andbethankfulthatTHEY
　　havenotfoundyouout。
　　TheNotchontheAxAStoryalaMode*
　　*HereThackerayreducestoanabsurditytheliteraryfashionoftheday——thevogueforstartlingstoriesandTalesofTerror，
　　whichwashighinhistime，andwhichinfluencedseveralofthestorieswhichprecedeinthisvolume。ButwhileDickensmadefun，withmentalreservations。whileBulwerLyttontriedtoexplainbyrisingtotheheightsofnaturalphilosophy，andMaturindidnotexplainatall，butlethisextravagantgeniusroambetweenheavenandearth——Thackeray’skeenwitsawmainlyonechanceforexquisiteliterarysatireandparody。Atonepointoranotherinthisskit，thestyleofeachprincipalsensationalnovelistofthedayisdelightfullyimitated——EDITOR。
　　I
　　EveryoneremembersintheFourthBookoftheimmortalpoemofyourBlindBardtowhosesightlessorbsnodoubtGloriousShapeswereapparent，andVisionsCelestial，howAdamdiscoursestoEveoftheBrightVisitorswhohoveredroundtheirEden——
　　’Millionsofspiritualcreatureswalktheearth，Unseen，bothwhenwewakeandwhenwesleep。’
　　’Howoften，’saysFatherAdam，’fromthesteepofechoinghillorthicket，haveweheardcelestialvoicestothemidnightair，sole，orresponsivetoeachother’snotes，singing！’AftertheActofDisobedience，whentheerringpairfromEdentooktheirsolitaryway，andwentforthtotoilandtroubleoncommonearth——thoughtheGloriousOnesnolongerwerevisible，youcannotsaytheyweregone。ItwasnotthattheBrightOneswereabsent，butthatthedimeyesofrebelmannolongercouldseethem。Inyourchamberhangsapictureofonewhomyouneverknew，butwhomyouhavelongheldintenderestregard，andwhowaspaintedforyoubyafriendofmine，theKnightofPlympton。Shecommuneswithyou。Shesmilesonyou。Whenyourspiritsarelow，herbrighteyesshineonyouandcheeryou。Herinnocentsweetsmileisacaresstoyou。
　　Sheneverfailstosootheyouwithherspeechlessprattle。Youloveher。Sheisalivewithyou。Asyouextinguishyourcandleandturntosleep，thoughyoureyesseehernot，isshenottherestillsmiling？Asyoulieinthenightawake，andthinkingofyourduties，andthemorrow’sinevitabletoiloppressingthebusy，weary，wakefulbrainaswitharemorse，thecracklingfireflashesupforamomentinthegrate，andsheisthere，yourlittleBeauteousMaiden，smilingwithhersweeteyes！Whenmoonisdown，whenfireisout，whencurtainsaredrawn，whenlidsareclosed，isshenotthere，thelittleBeautifulOne，thoughinvisible，presentandsmilingstill？Friend，theUnseenOnesareroundaboutus。
　　Doesitnotseemasifthetimeweredrawingnearwhenitshallbegiventomentobeholdthem？
　　Theprintofwhichmyfriendspoke，andwhich，indeed，hangsinmyroom，thoughhehasneverbeenthere，isthatcharminglittlewinterpieceofSirJoshua，representingthelittleLadyCarolineMontague，afterwardsDuchessofBuccleuch。Sheisrepresentedasstandinginthemidstofawinterlandscape，wrappedinmuffandcloak。andshelooksoutofherpicturewithasmilesoexquisitethataHerodcouldnotseeherwithoutbeingcharmed。
　　Ibegyourpardon，Mr。PINTO，IsaidtothepersonwithwhomI
　　wasconversing。Iwonder，bytheway，thatIwasnotsurprisedathisknowinghowfondIamofthisprint。YouspokeoftheKnightofPlympton。SirJoshuadied1792：andyousayhewasyourdearfriend？
　　AsIspokeIchancedtolookatMr。Pinto。andthenitsuddenlystruckme：Graciouspowers！PerhapsyouAREahundredyearsold，nowIthinkofit。Youlookmorethanahundred。Yes，youmaybeathousandyearsoldforwhatIknow。Yourteetharefalse。Oneeyeisevidentlyfalse。CanIsaythattheotherisnot？Ifaman’sagemaybecalculatedbytheringsroundhiseyes，thismanmaybeasoldasMethuselah。Hehasnobeard。Hewearsalargecurlyglossybrownwig，andhiseyebrowsarepaintedadeepolive-
　　green。Itwasoddtohearthisman，thiswalkingmummy，talkingsentiment，inthesequeeroldchambersinShepherd’sInn。
　　Pintopassedayellowbandannahandkerchiefoverhisawfulwhiteteeth，andkepthisglasseyesteadilyfixedonme。SirJoshua’sfriend？saidheyouperceive，eludingmydirectquestion。IsnoteveryonethatknowshispicturesReynolds’sfriend？SupposeI
　　tellyouthatIhavebeeninhispaintingroomscoresoftimes，andthathissisterThehasmademetea，andhissisterToffyhasmadecoffeeforme？YouwillonlysayIamanoldombog。Mr。Pinto，Iremarked，spokealllanguageswithanaccentequallyforeign。
　　SupposeItellyouthatIknewMr。SamJohnson，anddidnotlikehim？thatIwasatthatveryballatMadameCornelis’，whichyouhavementionedinoneofyourlittle——whatdoyoucallthem？——bah！
　　mymemorybeginstofailme——inoneofyourlittleWhirligigPapers？SupposeItellyouthatSirJoshuahasbeenhere，inthisveryroom？
　　Haveyou，then，hadtheseapartmentsfor——more——than——seventyyears？Iasked。
　　Theylookasiftheyhadnotbeensweptforthattime——don’tthey？
　　Hey？IdidnotsaythatIhadthemforseventyyears，butthatSirJoshuahasvisitedmehere。
　　When？Iasked，eyingthemansternly，forIbegantothinkhewasanimpostor。
　　Heansweredmewithaglancestillmorestern：SirJoshuaReynoldswasherethisverymorning，withAngelicaKaufmannandMr。OliverGoldschmidt。HeisstillverymuchattachedtoAngelica，whostilldoesnotcareforhim。BecauseheisdeadandIwasinthefourthmourningcoachathisfuneralisthatanyreasonwhyheshouldnotcomebacktoearthagain？Mygoodsir，youarelaughingatme。Hehassatmanyatimeonthatverychairwhichyouarenowoccupying。
　　Thereareseveralspiritsintheroomnow，whomyoucannotsee。
　　Excuseme。Hereheturnedroundasifhewasaddressingsomebody，andbeganrapidlyspeakingalanguageunknowntome。ItisArabic，hesaid。abadpatois，Iown。IlearneditinBarbary，whenIwasaprisoneramongtheMoors。Inanno1609，binickaldusghekledtgheghaen。Ha！youdoubtme：lookatmewell。AtleastI
　　amlike——
　　Perhapssomeofmyreadersrememberapaperofwhichthefigureofamancarryingabarrelformedtheinitialletter，andwhichI
　　copiedfromanoldspoonnowinmypossession。AsIlookedatMr。
　　PintoIdodeclarehelookedsolikethefigureonthatoldpieceofplatethatIstartedandfeltveryuneasy。Ha！saidhe，laughingthroughhisfalseteethIdeclaretheywerefalse——I
　　couldseeutterlytoothlessgumsworkingupanddownbehindthepinkcoral，youseeIworeabeardden。Iamshafednow。perhapsyoutinkIamASPOON。Ha，ha！AndashelaughedhegaveacoughwhichIthoughtwouldhavecoughedhisteethout，hisglasseyeout，hiswigoff，hisveryheadoff。buthestoppedthisconvulsionbystumpingacrosstheroomandseizingalittlebottleofbrightpinkmedicine，which，beingopened，spreadasingularacridaromaticodorthroughtheapartment。andIthoughtIsaw——butofthisIcannottakeanaffirmation——alightgreenandvioletflameflickeringroundtheneckofthevialasheopenedit。Bytheway，fromthepeculiarstumpingnoisewhichhemadeincrossingthebare-boardedapartment，Iknewatoncethatmystrangeentertainerhadawoodenleg。Overthedustwhichlayquitethickontheboards，youcouldseethemarkofonefootveryneatandpretty，andthenaroundO，whichwasnaturallytheimpressionmadebythewoodenstump。IownIhadaqueerthrillasIsawthatmark，andfeltasecretcomfortthatitwasnotCLOVEN。
　　InthisdesolateapartmentinwhichMr。Pintohadinvitedmetoseehim，therewerethreechairs，onebottomless，alittletableonwhichyoumightputabreakfasttray，andnotasingleotherarticleoffurniture。Inthenextroom，thedoorofwhichwasopen，Icouldseeamagnificentgiltdressingcase，withsomesplendiddiamondandrubyshirtstudslyingbyit，andachestofdrawers，andacupboardapparentlyfullofclothes。
　　RememberinghiminBaden-BadeningreatmagnificenceIwonderedathispresentdenudedstate。Youhaveahouseelsewhere，Mr。
　　Pinto？Isaid。
　　Many，sayshe。Ihaveapartmentsinmanycities。Ilockdemup，anddonotcarrymoshlogish。
　　IthenrememberedthathisapartmentatBaden，whereIfirstmethim，wasbare，andhadnobedinit。
　　Thereis，then，asleepingroombeyond？
　　Thisisthesleepingroom。HepronouncesitDIS。Canthis，bytheway，giveanyclewtothenationalityofthissingularman？
　　Ifyousleeponthesetwooldchairsyouhavearicketycouch。ifonthefloor，adustyone。
　　SupposeIsleepupdere？saidthisstrangeman，andheactuallypointeduptotheceiling。Ithoughthimmadorwhathehimselfcalledanombog。Iknow。Youdonotbelieveme。forwhyshouldIdeceiveyou？Icamebuttoproposeamatterofbusinesstoyou。
　　ItoldyouIcouldgiveyoutheclewtothemysteryoftheTwoChildreninBlack，whomyoumetatBaden，andyoucametoseeme。
　　IfItoldyouyouwouldnotbelieveme。Whatfortryandconvinzyou？Hahey？Andheshookhishandonce，twice，thrice，atme，andglaredatmeoutofhiseyeinapeculiarway。
　　OfwhathappenednowIprotestIcannotgiveanaccurateaccount。
　　Itseemedtomethatthereshotaflamefromhiseyeintomybrain，whilebehindhisGLASSeyetherewasagreenilluminationasifacandlehadbeenlitinit。Itseemedtomethatfromhislongfingerstwoquiveringflamesissued，sputtering，asitwere，whichpenetratedme，andforcedmebackintooneofthechairs——thebrokenone——outofwhichIhadmuchdifficultyinscrambling，whenthestrangeglamourwasended。Itseemedtomethat，whenIwassofixed，sotransfixedinthebrokenchair，themanfloateduptotheceiling，crossedhislegs，foldedhisarmsasifhewaslyingonasofa，andgrinneddownatme。WhenIcametomyselfhewasdownfromtheceiling，and，takingmeoutofthebrokencane-bottomedchair，kindlyenough——Bah！saidhe，itisthesmellofmymedicine。Itoftengivesthevertigo。Ithoughtyouwouldhavehadalittlefit。Comeintotheopenair。Andwewentdownthesteps，andintoShepherd’sInn，wherethesettingsunwasjustshiningonthestatueofShepherd。thelaundressesweretraipsingabout。theporterswereleaningagainsttherailings。andtheclerkswereplayingatmarbles，tomyinexpressibleconsolation。
　　Yousaidyouweregoingtodineatthe’Gray’s-InnCoffee-House，’
　　hesaid。Iwas。Ioftendinethere。ThereisexcellentwineattheGray’s-InnCoffee-House。butIdeclareINEVERSAIDso。I
　　wasnotastonishedathisremark。nomoreastonishedthanifIwasinadream。PerhapsIWASinadream。Islifeadream？Aredreamsfacts？Issleepingbeingreallyawake？Idon’tknow。I
　　tellyouIampuzzled。IhavereadTheWomaninWhite，TheStrangeStory——nottomentionthatstoryStrangerthanFiction
　　intheCornhillMagazine——thatstoryforwhichTHREEcrediblewitnessesarereadytovouch。Ihavehadmessagesfromthedead。
　　andnotonlyfromthedead，butfrompeoplewhoneverexistedatall。IownIaminastateofmuchbewilderment：but，ifyouplease，willproceedwithmysimple，myartlessstory。
　　Well，then。WepassedfromShepherd’sInnintoHolborn，andlookedforawhileatWoodgate’sbric-a-bracshop，whichInevercanpasswithoutdelayingatthewindows——indeed，ifIweregoingtobehung，Iwouldbegthecarttostop，andletmehaveonelookmoreatthatdelightfulomniumgatherum。AndpassingWoodgate’s，wecometoGale’slittleshop，No。47，whichisalsoafavoritehauntofmine。
　　Mr。Galehappenedtobeathisdoor，andasweexchangedsalutations，Mr。Pinto，Isaid，willyouliketoseearealcuriosityinthiscuriosityshop？StepintoMr。Gale’slittlebackroom。
　　InthatlittlebackparlorthereareChinesegongs。thereareoldSaxeandSevresplates。thereisFurstenberg，CarlTheodor，Worcester，Amstel，Nankinandotherjimcrockery。Andinthecornerwhatdoyouthinkthereis？ThereisanactualGUILLOTINE。Ifyoudoubtme，goandsee——Gale，HighHolborn，No。47。Itisasliminstrument，muchslighterthanthosewhichtheymakenow——someninefeethigh，narrow，aprettypieceofupholsteryenough。Thereisthehookoverwhichtheropeusedtoplaywhichunloosenedthedreadfulaxabove。andlook！droppedintotheorificewheretheheadusedtogo——thereisTHEAXitself，allrusty，withAGREAT
　　NOTCHINTHEBLADE。
　　AsPintolookedatit——Mr。Galewasnotintheroom，Irecollect。
　　happeningtohavebeenjustcalledoutbyacustomerwhoofferedhimthreepoundfourteenandsixpenceforablueShepherdinpatetendre，——Mr。Pintogavealittlestart，andseemedcrispeforamoment。Thenhelookedsteadilytowardoneofthosegreatporcelainstoolswhichyouseeingardens——and——itseemedtome——I
　　tellyouIwon’ttakemyaffidavit——ImayhavebeenmaddenedbythesixglassesItookofthatpinkelixir——Imayhavebeensleep-
　　walking：perhapsamasIwritenow——ImayhavebeenundertheinfluenceofthatastoundingMEDIUMintowhosehandsIhadfallen——
　　butIvowIheardPintosay，withratheraghastlygrinattheporcelainstool，Nay，nefershagueyourgorylocksatme，DoucanstnotsayIdidit。
　　Hepronouncedit，bytheway，IDITit，bywhichIKNOWthatPintowasaGerman。
　　IheardPintosaythoseverywords，andsittingontheporcelainstoolIsaw，dimlyatfirst，thenwithanawfuldistinctness——aghost——anEIDOLON——aform——AHEADLESSMANseatedwithhisheadinhislap，whichworeanexpressionofpiteoussurprise。
　　Atthisminute，Mr。GaleenteredfromthefrontshoptoshowacustomersomeDelftplates。andhedidnotsee——butWEDID——thefigureriseupfromtheporcelainstool，shakeitshead，whichitheldinitshand，andwhichkeptitseyesfixedsadlyonus，anddisappearbehindtheguillotine。
　　Cometothe’Gray’s-InnCoffee-House，’Pintosaid，andIwilltellyouhowthenotchcametotheax。AndwewalkeddownHolbornataboutthirty-sevenminutespastsixo’clock。
　　Ifthereisanythingintheabovestatementwhichastonishesthereader，Ipromisehimthatinthenextchapterofthislittlestoryhewillbeastonishedstillmore。
　　II
　　Youwillexcuseme，Isaidtomycompanion，forremarkingthatwhenyouaddressedtheindividualsittingontheporcelainstool，withhisheadinhislap，yourordinarilybenevolentfeatures——
　　thisIconfesswasabouncer，forbetweenourselvesamoresinisterandill-lookingrascalthanMons。P。Ihaveseldomseteyeson——yourordinarilyhandsomefaceworeanexpressionthatwasbynomeanspleasing。Yougrinnedattheindividualjustasyoudidatmewhenyouwentuptothecei——，pardonme，asI
　　THOUGHTyoudid，whenIfelldowninafitinyourchambers。andI
　　qualifiedmywordsinagreatflutterandtremble。Ididnotcaretooffendtheman——IdidnotDAREtooffendtheman。Ithoughtonceortwiceofjumpingintoacab，andflying。oftakingrefugeinDayandMartin’sBlackingWarehouse。ofspeakingtoapoliceman，butnotonewouldcome。Iwasthisman’sslave。Ifollowedhimlikehisdog。ICOULDnotgetawayfromhim。So，yousee，Iwentonmeanlyconversingwithhim，andaffectingasimperingconfidence。Iremember，whenIwasalittleboyatschool，goingupfawningandsmilinginthiswaytosomegreathulkingbullyofasixth-formboy。SoIsaidinaword，Yourordinarilyhandsomefaceworeadisagreeableexpression，&c。
　　ItisordinarilyVERYhandsome，saidhe，withsuchaleeratacoupleofpassers-by，thatoneofthemcried，Oh，crickey，here’sapreciousguy！andachild，initsnurse’sarms，screameditselfintoconvulsions。Oh，oui，chesuistres-choligarcon，bienpeau，cerdainement，continuedMr。Pinto。butyouwereright。That——
　　thatpersonwasnotverywellpleasedwhenhesawme。Therewasnolovelostbetweenus，asyousay：andtheworldneverknewamoreworthlessmiscreant。Ihatehim，voyez-vous？Ihatedhimalife。I
　　hatehimdead。Ihatehimman。Ihatehimghost：andheknowit，andtremblebeforeme。IfIseehimtwentytausendyearshence——
　　andwhynot？——Ishallhatehimstill。Youremarkedhowhewasdressed？
　　Inblacksatinbreechesandstripedstockings。awhitepiquewaistcoat，agraycoat，withlargemetalbuttons，andhishairinpowder。Hemusthavewornapigtail——only——
　　OnlyitwasCUTOFF！Ha，ha，ha！Mr。Pintocried，yellingalaugh，whichIobservedmadethepolicemanstareverymuch。Yes。
　　Itwascutoffbythesameblowwhichtookoffthescoundrel’shead——ho，ho，ho！Andhemadeacirclewithhishook-nailedfingerroundhisownyellowneck，andgrinnedwithahorribletriumph。Ipromiseyouthatfellowwassurprisedwhenhefoundhisheadinthepannier。Ha！ha！Doyoueverceasetohatethosewhomyouhate？——fireflashedterrificallyfromhisglasseyeashespoke——ortolovedosewhomyouonceloved？Oh，never，never！
　　Andherehisnaturaleyewasbedewedwithtears。Buthereweareatthe’Gray’s-InnCoffeeHouse。’James，whatisthejoint？
　　Thatveryrespectfulandefficientwaiterbroughtinthebilloffare，andI，formypart，choseboiledlegofpork，andpeasepudding，whichmyacquaintancesaidwoulddoaswellasanythingelse。thoughIremarkedheonlytrifledwiththepeasepudding，andleftalltheporkontheplate。Infact，hescarcelyateanything。
　　Buthedrankaprodigiousquantityofwine。andImustsaythatmyfriendMr。Hart’sportwineissogoodthatImyselftook——well，I
　　shouldthink，Itookthreeglasses。Yes，three，certainly。HE——I
　　meanMr。P——theoldrogue，wasinsatiable：forwehadtocallforasecondbottleinnotime。Whenthatwasgone，mycompanionwantedanother。Alittleredmounteduptohisyellowcheeksashedrankthewine，andhewinkedatitinastrangemanner。I
　　remember，saidhe，musing，whenportwinewasscarcelydrunkinthiscountry——thoughtheQueenlikedit，andsodidHurley。butBolingbrokedidn’t——hedrankFlorenceandChampagne。Dr。Swiftputwatertohiswine。’Jonathan，’Ioncesaidtohim——butbah！autrestemps，autresmoeurs。Anothermagnum，James。
　　Thiswasallverywell。Mygoodsir，Isaid，itmaysuitYOUtoorderbottlesof’20port，ataguineaabottle。butthatkindofpricedoesnotsuitme。Ionlyhappentohavethirty-fourandsixpenceinmypocket，ofwhichIwantashillingforthewaiter，andeighteenpenceformycab。YourichforeignersandSWELLSmayspendwhatyoulikeIhadhimthere：formyfriend’sdresswasasshabbyasanold-clothesman’s。butamanwithafamily，Mr。
　　Whatd’you-call’im，cannotaffordtospendsevenoreighthundredayearonhisdinneralone。
　　Bah！hesaid。Nunkeypaysforall，asyousay。Iwillwhatyoucallstantthedinner，ifyouareSOPOOR！andagainhegavethatdisagreeablegrin，andplacedanodiouscrook-nailedandbynomeanscleanfingertohisnose。ButIwasnotsoafraidofhimnow，forwewereinapublicplace。andthethreeglassesofportwinehad，yousee，givenmecourage。
　　Whataprettysnuff-box！heremarked，asIhandedhimmine，whichIamstillold-fashionedenoughtocarry。Itisaprettyoldgoldboxenough，butvaluabletomeespeciallyasarelicofanold，oldrelative，whomIcanjustrememberasachild，whenshewasverykindtome。Yes。aprettybox。Icanrememberwhenmanyladies——
　　mostladies，carriedabox——nay，twoboxes——tabatiereandbonbonniere。Whatladycarriessnuff-boxnow，hey？Supposeyourastonishmentifaladyinanassemblyweretoofferyouaprise？I
　　canrememberaladywithsuchaboxasthis，withatour，asweusedtocallitthen。withpaniers，withatortoise-shellcane，withtheprettiestlittlehigh-heeledvelvetshoesintheworld！——
　　ah！thatwasatime，thatwasatime！Ah，Eliza，Eliza，Ihavetheenowinmymind’seye！AtBungayontheWaveney，didInotwalkwiththee，Eliza？Aha，didInotlovethee？DidInotwalkwiththeethen？DoInotseetheestill？
　　Thiswaspassingstrange。Myancestress——butthereisnoneedtopublishherreveredname——didindeedliveatBungaySt。Mary’s，wheresheliesburied。Sheusedtowalkwithatortoise-shellcane。Sheusedtowearlittleblackvelvetshoes，withtheprettiesthighheelsintheworld。
　　Didyou——didyou——know，then，mygreat-gr-nd-m-ther？Isaid。
　　Hepulleduphiscoatsleeve——Isthathername？hesaid。
　　Eliza——
　　There，Ideclare，wastheverynameofthekindoldcreaturewritteninredonhisarm。
　　YOUknewherold，hesaid，diviningmythoughtswithhisstrangeknack。Iknewheryoungandlovely。IdancedwithherattheBuryball。DidInot，dear，dearMiss——？
　　AsIlive，heherementioneddeargr-nny’sMAIDENname。Hermaidennamewas。Herhonoredmarriednamewas。
　　Shemarriedyourgreat-gr-ndf-th-rtheyearPoseidonwontheNewmarketPlate，Mr。Pintodrylyremarked。
　　Mercifulpowers！Iremember，overtheoldshagreenknifeandspooncaseonthesideboardinmygr-nny’sparlor，aprintbyStubbsofthatveryhorse。Mygrandsire，inaredcoat，andhisfairhairflowingoverhisshoulders，wasoverthemantelpiece，andPoseidonwontheNewmarketCupintheyear1783！
　　Yes。youareright。IdancedaminuetwithheratBurythatverynight，beforeIlostmypoorleg。AndIquarreledwithyourgrandf——，ha！
　　AshesaidHa！therecamethreequietlittletapsonthetable——
　　itisthemiddletableintheGray’s-InnCoffeeHouse，underthebustofthelateDukeofW-ll-ngt-n。
　　Ifiredintheair，hecontinued。didInot？Tap，tap，tap。
　　Yourgrandfatherhitmeintheleg。Hemarriedthreemonthsafterwards。’CaptainBrown，’Isaid’whocouldseeMissSm-thwithoutlovingher？’Sheisthere！Sheisthere！Tap，tap，tap。Yes，myfirstlove——
　　Butheretherecametap，tap，whicheverybodyknowsmeansNo。
　　Iforgot，hesaid，withafaintblushstealingoverhiswanfeatures，shewasnotmyfirstlove。InGerm——inmyowncountry——
　　thereWASayoungwoman——
　　Tap，tap，tap。Therewasherequitealivelylittletrebleknock。
　　andwhentheoldmansaid，ButIlovedtheebetterthanalltheworld，Eliza，theaffirmativesignalwasbrisklyrepeated。
　　AndthisIdeclareUPONMYHONOR。Therewas，Ihavesaid，abottleofportwinebeforeus——Ishouldsayadecanter。ThatdecanterwasLIFTEDUP，andoutofitintoourrespectiveglassestwobumpersofwinewerepoured。IappealtoMr。Hart，thelandlord——IappealtoJames，therespectfulandintelligentwaiter，ifthisstatementisnottrue？Andwhenwehadfinishedthatmagnum，andIsaid——forI
　　didnotnowintheleastdoubtherpresence——Deargr-nny，maywehaveanothermagnum？thetableDISTINCTLYrappedNo……
　　Now，mygoodsir，Mr。Pintosaid，whoreallybegantobeaffectedbythewine，youunderstandtheinterestIhavetakeninyou。I
　　lovedEliza——ofcourseIdon’tmentionfamilynames。I
　　knewyouhadthatboxwhichbelongedtoher——Iwillgiveyouwhatyoulikeforthatbox。Nameyourpriceatonce，andIpayyouonthespot。
　　Why，whenyoucameout，yousaidyouhadnotsix-penceinyourpocket。
　　Bah！giveyouanythingyoulike——fifty——ahundred——atausendpound。
　　Come，come，saidI，thegoldoftheboxmaybeworthnineguineas，andthefaconwewillputatsixmore。
　　Onetausendguineas！hescreeched。Onetausendandfiftypounddere！andhesankbackinhischair——no，bytheway，onhisbench，forhewassittingwithhisbacktooneofthepartitionsoftheboxes，asIdaresayJamesremembers。
　　DON’Tgooninthisway，Icontinuedratherweakly，forIdidnotknowwhetherIwasinadream。IfyouoffermeathousandguineasforthisboxIMUSTtakeit。Mustn’tI，deargr-nny？
　　ThetablemostdistinctlysaidYes。andputtingouthisclawstoseizethebox，Mr。Pintoplungedhishookednoseintoit，andeagerlyinhaledsomeofmy47withadashofHardman。
　　Butstay，youoldharpy！Iexclaimed，beingnowinasortofrage，andquitefamiliarwithhim。Whereisthemoney？Whereisthecheck？
　　James，apieceofnotepaperandareceiptstamp！
　　Thisisallmightywell，sir，Isaid，butIdon’tknowyou。I
　　neversawyoubefore。Iwilltroubleyoutohandmethatboxbackagain，orgivemeacheckwithsomeknownsignature。
　　Whose？Ha，Ha，HA！
　　Theroomhappenedtobeverydark。Indeedallthewaitersweregonetosupper，andtherewereonlytwogentlemensnoringintheirrespectiveboxes。Isawahandcomequiveringdownfromtheceiling——averyprettyhand，onwhichwasaringwithacoronet，withalionrampantgulesforacrest。Isawthathandtakeadipofinkandwriteacrossthepaper。Mr。Pinto，then，takingagrayreceiptstampoutofhisblueleatherpocketbook，fasteneditontothepaperbytheusualprocess。andthehandthenwroteacrossthereceiptstamp，wentacrossthetableandshookhandswithPinto，andthen，asifwavinghimanadieu，vanishedinthedirectionoftheceiling。
　　Therewasthepaperbeforeme，wetwiththeink。TherewasthepenwhichTHEHANDhadused。Doesanybodydoubtme？Ihavethatpennow，——acedarstickofanotuncommonsort，andholdingoneofGillott’spens。Itisinmyinkstandnow，Itellyou。Anybodymayseeit。Thehandwritingonthecheck，forsuchthedocumentwas，wasthewritingofafemale。Itranthus：——London，midnight，March31，1862。Paythebeareronethousandandfiftypounds。
　　RachelSidonia。ToMessrs。Sidonia，PozzosantoandCo。，London。
　　Noblestandbestofwomen！saidPinto，kissingthesheetofpaperwithmuchreverence。MygoodMr。Roundabout，IsupposeyoudonotquestionTHATsignature？
　　IndeedthehouseofSidonia，PozzosantoandCo。，isknowntobeoneoftherichestinEurope，andasfortheCountessRachel，shewasknowntobethechiefmanagerofthatenormouslywealthyestablishment。Therewasonlyonelittledifficulty，theCountessRacheldiedlastOctober。
　　Ipointedoutthiscircumstance，andtossedoverthepapertoPintowithasneer。
　　C’estabrandreoualaisser，hesaidwithsomeheat。Youliterarymenareallimbrudent。butIdidnottinkyousuchafoolwiedis。Yourboxisnotworthtwentypound，andIofferyouatausendbecauseIknowyouwantmoneytopaydatrascalTom’scollegebills。ThisstrangemanactuallyknewthatmyscapegraceTomhadbeenasourceofgreatexpenseandannoyancetome。Youseemoneycostsmenothing，andyourefusetotakeit！Once，twice。willyoutakethischeckinexchangeforyourtrumperysnuff-box？
　　WhatcouldIdo？Mypoorgranny’slegacywasvaluableanddeartome，butafterallathousandguineasarenottobehadeveryday。
　　Beitabargain，saidI。Shallwehaveaglassofwineonit？
　　saysPinto。andtothisproposalIalsounwillinglyacceded，remindinghim，bytheway，thathehadnotyettoldmethestoryoftheheadlessman。
　　Yourpoorgr-ndm-therwasrightjustnow，whenshesaidshewasnotmyfirstlove。’TwasoneofthosebanaleexpressionshereMr。P。blushedoncemorewhichweusetowomen。Wetelleachsheisourfirstpassion。Theyreplywithasimilarillusoryformula。
　　Nomanisanywoman’sfirstlove。nowomananyman’s。Weareinloveinournurse’sarms，andwomencoquettewiththeireyesbeforetheirtonguecanformaword。Howcouldyourlovelyrelativeloveme？Iwasfar，fartoooldforher。IamolderthanIlook。IamsooldthatyouwouldnotbelievemyagewereItotellyou。I
　　havelovedmanyandmanyawomanbeforeyourrelative。Ithasnotalwaysbeenfortunateforthemtoloveme。Ah，Sophronia！Roundthedreadfulcircuswhereyoufell，andwhenceIwasdraggedcorpselikebytheheels，theresatmultitudesmoresavagethanthelionswhichmangledyoursweetform！Ah，tenez！whenwemarchedtotheterriblestaketogetheratValladolid——theProtestantandtheJ——Butawaywithmemory！Boy！itwashappyforthygrandamthatshelovedmenot。
　　Duringthatstrangeperiod，hewenton，whentheteemingTimewasgreatwiththerevolutionthatwasspeedilytobeborn，IwasonamissioninPariswithmyexcellent，mymalignedfriend，Cagliostro。Mesmerwasoneofourband。Iseemedtooccupybutanobscurerankinit：though，asyouknow，insecretsocietiesthehumblemanmaybeachiefanddirector——theostensibleleaderbutapuppetmovedbyunseenhands。Nevermindwhowaschief，orwhowassecond。Nevermindmyage。Itbootsnottotellit：whyshallI
　　exposemyselftoyourscornfulincredulity——orreplytoyourquestionsinwordsthatarefamiliartoyou，butwhichyoucannotunderstand？Wordsaresymbolsofthingswhichyouknow，orofthingswhichyoudon’tknow。Ifyoudon’tknowthem，tospeakisidle。HereIconfessMr。P。spokeforexactlythirty-eightminutes，aboutphysics，metaphysics，language，theoriginanddestinyofman，duringwhichtimeIwasratherbored，andtorelievemyennui，drankahalfglassorsoofwine。LOVE，friend，isthefountainofyouth！Itmaynothappentomeonce——
　　onceinanage：butwhenIlovethenIamyoung。IlovedwhenI
　　wasinParis。Bathilde，Bathilde，Ilovedthee——ah，howfondly！
　　Wine，Isay，morewine！Loveiseveryoung。IwasaboyatthelittlefeetofBathildedeBechamel——thefair，thefond，thefickle，ah，thefalse！Thestrangeoldman’sagonywasherereallyterrific，andheshowedhimselfmuchmoreagitatedthanwhenhehadbeenspeakingaboutmygr-ndm-th-r。
　　IthoughtBlanchemightloveme。Icouldspeaktoherinthelanguageofallcountries，andtellhertheloreofallages。I
　　couldtracethenurserylegendswhichsheloveduptotheirSanscritsource，andwhispertoherthedarklingmysteriesoftheEgyptianMagi。IcouldchantforherthewildchorusthatranginthedisheveledEleusinianrevel：IcouldtellherandIwould，thewatchwordneverknownbuttoonewoman，theSabanQueen，whichHirambreathedintheabysmalearofSolomon——Youdon’tattend。
　　Psha！youhavedrunktoomuchwine！PerhapsImayaswellownthatIwasNOTattending，forhehadbeencarryingonforaboutfifty-sevenminutes。andIdon’tlikeamantohaveALLthetalktohimself。
　　BlanchedeBechamelwaswild，then，aboutthissecretofMasonry。
　　Inearly，earlydaysIloved，ImarriedagirlfairasBlanche，who，too，wastormentedbycuriosity，who，too，wouldpeepintomycloset，intotheonlysecretguardedfromher。AdreadfulfatebefellpoorFatima。AnACCIDENTshortenedherlife。Poorthing！
　　shehadafoolishsisterwhourgedheron。IalwaystoldhertobewareofAnn。Shedied。Theysaidherbrotherskilledme。A
　　grossfalsehood。AMIdead？IfIwere，couldIpledgeyouinthiswine？
　　Wasyourname，Iasked，quitebewildered，wasyourname，pray，then，everBlueb——？
　　Hush！thewaiterwilloverhearyou。MethoughtwewerespeakingofBlanchedeBechamel。Ilovedher，youngman。Mypearls，anddiamonds，andtreasure，mywit，mywisdom，mypassion，Iflungthemallintothechild’slap。Iwasafool。WasstrongSamsonnotasweakasI？WasSolomontheWisemuchbetterwhenBalkiswheedledhim？Isaidtotheking——Butenoughofthat，IspakeofBlanchedeBechamel。
　　Curiositywasthepoorchild’sfoible。Icouldsee，asItalkedtoher，thatherthoughtswereelsewhereasyours，myfriend，havebeenabsentonceortwiceto-night。ToknowthesecretofMasonrywasthewretchedchild’smaddesire。Withathousandwiles，smiles，caresses，shestrovetocoaxitfromme——fromME——ha！ha！
　　Ihadanapprentice——thesonofadearfriend，whodiedbymysideatRossbach，whenSoubise，withwhosearmyIhappenedtobe，sufferedadreadfuldefeatforneglectingmyadvice。TheYoungChevalierGobydeMouchywasgladenoughtoserveasmyclerk，andhelpinsomechemicalexperimentsinwhichIwasengagedwithmyfriendDr。Mesmer。Bathildesawthisyoungman。Sincewomenwere，hasitnotbeentheirbusinesstosmileanddeceive，tofondleandlure？Away！Fromtheveryfirstithasbeenso！Andasmycompanionspoke，helookedaswickedastheserpentthatcoiledroundthetree，andhissedapoisonedcounseltothefirstwoman。
　　OneeveningIwent，aswasmywont，toseeBlanche。Shewasradiant：shewaswildwithspirits：asaucytriumphblazedinherblueeyes。Shetalked，sherattledinherchildishway。Sheuttered，inthecourseofherrhapsody，ahint——anintimation——soterriblethatthetruthflashedacrossmeinamoment。DidIaskher？Shewouldlietome。ButIknewhowtomakefalsehoodimpossible。AndIorderedhertogotosleep。
　　AtthismomenttheclockafteritspreviousconvulsionssoundedTWELVE。AndasthenewEditor*oftheCornhillMagazine——andHE，I
　　promiseyou，won’tstandanynonsense——willonlyallowsevenpages，IamobligedtoleaveoffatTHEVERYMOSTINTERESTINGPOINTOFTHE
　　STORY。
　　*Mr。ThackerayretiredfromtheEditorshipoftheCornhillMagazineinMarch，1862
　　III
　　Areyouofourfraternity？Iseeyouarenot。ThesecretwhichMademoiselledeBechamelconfidedtomeinhermadtriumphandwildhoydenspirits——shewasbutachild，poorthing，poorthing，scarcefifteen——butIlovethemyoung——afollynotunusualwiththeold！
　　HereMr。Pintothrusthisknucklesintohisholloweyes。and，Iamsorrytosay，solittleregardfulwasheofpersonalcleanliness，thathistearsmadestreaksofwhiteoverhisguarleddarkhands。
　　Ah，atfifteen，poorchild，thyfatewasterrible！Goto！Itisnotgoodtoloveme，friend。Theyprospernotwhodo。Idivineyou。Youneednotsaywhatyouarethinking——
　　Intruth，Iwasthinking，ifgirlsfallinlovewiththissallow，hook-nosed，glass-eyed，wooden-legged，dirty，hideousoldman，withtheshamteeth，theyhaveaqueertaste。THATiswhatIwasthinking。
　　JackWilkessaidthehandsomestmaninLondonhadbuthalfanhour’sstartofhim。And，withoutvanity，IamscarcelyuglierthanJackWilkes。WeweremembersofthesameclubatMedenhamAbbey，JackandI，andhadmanyamerrynighttogether。Well，sir，I——MaryofScotlandknewmebutasalittlehunchbackedmusicmaster。andyet，andyet，IthinkshewasnotindifferenttoherDavidRiz——andSHEcametomisfortune。Theyalldo——theyalldo！
　　Sir，youarewanderingfromyourpoint！Isaid，withsomeseverity。For，really，forthisoldhumbugtohintthathehadbeenthebaboonwhofrightenedtheclubatMedenham，thathehadbeenintheInquisitionatValladolid——thatunderthenameofD。
　　Riz，ashecalledit，hehadknownthelovelyQueenofScots——wasaLITTLEtoomuch。Sir，thenIsaid，youwerespeakingaboutaMissBechamel。Ireallyhavenottimetohearallofyourbiography。
　　Faith，thegoodwinegetsintomyhead。Ishouldthinkso，theoldtoper！Fourbottlesallbuttwoglasses。ToreturntopoorBlanche。AsIsatlaughing，jokingwithher，sheletslipaword，alittleword，whichfilledmewithdismay。SomeonehadtoldherapartoftheSecret——thesecretwhichhasbeendivulgedscarcethriceinthreethousandyears——theSecretoftheFreemasons。Doyouknowwhathappenstothoseuninitiatewholearnthatsecret？tothosewretchedmen，theinitiatewhorevealit？
　　AsPintospoketome，helookedthroughandthroughmewithhishorriblepiercingglance，sothatIsatquiteuneasilyonmybench。
　　Hecontinued：DidIquestionherawake？Iknewshewouldlietome。Poorchild！IlovedhernolessbecauseIdidnotbelieveawordshesaid。Ilovedherblueeye，hergoldenhair，herdeliciousvoice，thatwastrueinsong，thoughwhenshespoke，falseasEblis！YouareawarethatIpossessinratheraremarkabledegreewhatwehaveagreedtocallthemesmericpower。
　　Isettheunhappygirltosleep。THENshewasobligedtotellmeall。ItwasasIhadsurmised。GobydeMouchy，mywretched，besottedmiserablesecretary，inhisvisitstothechateauoftheMarquisdeBechamel，whowasoneofoursociety，hadseenBlanche。
　　Isupposeitwasbecauseshehadbeenwarnedthathewasworthless，andpoor，artfulandacoward，shelovedhim。ShewormedoutofthebesottedwretchthesecretsofourOrder。’DidhetellyoutheNUMBERONE？’Iasked。
　　Shesaid，’Yes。’
　　’Didhe，’Ifurtherinquired，’tellyouthe——’
　　’Oh，don’taskme，don’taskme！’shesaid，writhingonthesofa，whereshelayinthepresenceoftheMarquisdeBechamel，hermostunhappyfather。PoorBechamel，poorBechamel！HowpalehelookedasIspoke！’Didhetellyou，’Irepeatedwithadreadfulcalm，’theNUMBERTWO？’Shesaid，’Yes。’
　　Thepooroldmarquisroseup，andclaspinghishands，fellonhiskneesbeforeCountCagl——Bah！Iwentbyadifferentnamethen。
　　Vat’sinaname？DatvichyecallaRosicrucianbyanyothernamevilsmellassveet。’Monsieur，’hesaid，’Iamold——Iamrich。I
　　havefivehundredthousandlivresofrentesinPicardy。IhavehalfasmuchinArtois。IhavetwohundredandeightythousandontheGrandLivre。IampromisedbymySovereignadukedomandhisorderswithareversiontomyheir。IamaGrandeeofSpainoftheFirstClass，andDukeofVolovento。Takemytitles，myreadymoney，mylife，myhonor，everythingIhaveintheworld，butdon’tasktheTHIRDQUESTION。’
　　’GodfroiddeBouillon，ComtedeBechamel，GrandeeofSpainandPrinceofVolovento，inourAssemblywhatwastheoathyouswore？’
　　Theoldmanwrithedasheremembereditsterrificpurport。
　　Thoughmyheartwasrackedwithagony，andIwouldhavedied，aye，cheerfullydied，indeed，asifTHATwereapenalty！tospareyonderlovelychildapang，Isaidtohercalmly，’BlanchedeBechamel，didGobydeMouchytellyousecretNUMBERTHREE？’
　　Shewhisperedaouithatwasquitefaint，faintandsmall。Butherpoorfatherfellinconvulsionsatherfeet。
　　Shediedsuddenlythatnight。DidInottellyouthoseIlovecometonogood？WhenGeneralBonapartecrossedtheSaintBernard，hesawintheconventanoldmonkwithawhitebeard，wanderingaboutthecorridors，cheerfulandratherstout，butmad——madasaMarchhare。’General，’Isaidtohim，’didyoueverseethatfacebefore？’Hehadnot。HehadnotmingledmuchwiththehigherclassesofoursocietybeforetheRevolution。Iknewthepooroldmanwellenough。hewasthelastofanoblerace，andIlovedhischild。
　　Anddidshedieby——？
　　Man！didIsayso？DoIwhisperthesecretsoftheVehmgericht？
　　Isayshediedthatnight：andhe——he，theheartless，thevillain，thebetrayer，——yousawhimseatedinyondercuriosityshop，byyonderguillotine，withhisscoundrellyheadinhislap。
　　Yousawhowslightthatinstrumentwas？ItwasoneofthefirstwhichGuillotinmade，andwhichheshowedtoprivatefriendsinahangarintheRuePicpus，wherehelived。Theinventioncreatedsomelittleconversationamongscientificmenatthetime，thoughI
　　rememberamachineinEdinburghofaverysimilarconstruction，twohundred——well，many，manyyearsago——andatabreakfastwhichGuillotingaveheshowedustheinstrument，andmuchtalkaroseamongusastowhetherpeoplesufferedunderit。
　　AndnowImusttellyouwhatbefellthetraitorwhohadcausedallthissuffering。Didheknowthatthepoorchild’sdeathwasaSENTENCE？Hefeltacowardlysatisfactionthatwithherwasgonethesecretofhistreason。Thenhebegantodoubt。IhadMEANStopenetrateallhisthoughts，aswellastoknowhisacts。Thenhebecameaslavetoahorriblefear。Hefledinabjectterrortoaconvent。TheystillexistedinParis。andbehindthewallsofJacobinsthewretchthoughthimselfsecure。Poorfool！Ihadbuttosetoneofmysomnambuliststosleep。Herspiritwentforthandspiedtheshudderingwretchinhiscell。Shedescribedthestreet，thegate，theconvent，theverydresswhichhewore，andwhichyousawto-day。
　　AndnowTHISiswhathappened。InhischamberintheRueSt。
　　Honore，atParis，satamanALONE——amanwhohasbeenmaligned，amanwhohasbeencalledaknaveandcharlatan，amanwhohasbeenpersecutedeventothedeath，itissaid，inRomanInquisitions，forsooth，andelsewhere。Ha！ha！Amanwhohasamightywill。
　　AndlookingtowardtheJacobinsConventofwhich，fromhischamber，hecouldseethespiresandtrees，thismanWILLED。Anditwasnotyetdawn。Andhewilled。andonewhowaslyinginhiscellintheconventofJacobins，awakeandshudderingwithterrorforacrimewhichhehadcommitted，fellasleep。
　　Butthoughhewasasleephiseyeswereopen。
　　Andaftertossingandwrithing，andclingingtothepallet，andsaying’No，Iwillnotgo，’heroseupanddonnedhisclothes——agraycoat，avestofwhitepique，blacksatinsmall-clothes，ribbedsilkstockings，andawhitestockwithasteelbuckle。andhearrangedhishair，andhetiedhisqueue，allthewhilebeinginthatstrangesomnolencewhichwalks，whichmoves，whichFLIES
　　sometimes，whichsees，whichisindifferenttopain，whichOBEYS。
　　Andheputonhishat，andhewentforthfromhiscell：andthoughthedawnwasnotyet，hetrodthecorridorsasseeingthem。Andhepassedintothecloister，andthenintothegardenwherelietheancientdead。Andhecametothewicket，whichBrotherJeromewasopeningjustatthedawning。Andthecrowdwasalreadywaitingwiththeircansandbowlstoreceivethealmsofthegoodbrethren。
　　Andhepassedthroughthecrowdandwentonhisway，andthefewpeoplethenabroadwhomarkedhim，said，’Tiens！Howveryoddhelooks！Helookslikeamanwalkinginhissleep！’Thiswassaidbyvariouspersons：——
　　Bymilkwomen，withtheircansandcarts，comingintothetown。
　　ByroystererswhohadbeendrinkingatthetavernsoftheBarrier，foritwasMid-Lent。
　　Bythesergeantsofthewatch，whoeyedhimsternlyashepassedneartheirhalberds。
　　Buthepassedonunmovedbytheirhalberds，Unmovedbythecriesoftheroysterers，Bythemarketwomencomingwiththeirmilkandeggs。
　　HewalkedthroughtheRueSt。Honore，Isay：——
　　BytheRueRambuteau，BytheRueSt。Antoine，BytheKing’sChateauoftheBastille，BytheFaubourgSt。Antoine。
　　AndhecametoNo。29intheRuePicpus——ahousewhichthenstoodbetweenacourtandgarden——
　　Thatis，therewasabuildingofonestory，withagreatcoachdoor。
　　Thentherewasacourt，aroundwhichwerestables，coach-houses，offices。
　　Thentherewasahouse——atwo-storiedhouse，withaperroninfront。
　　Behindthehousewasagarden——agardenoftwohundredandfiftyFrenchfeetinlength。
　　AndasonehundredfeetofFranceequalonehundredandsixfeetofEngland，thisgarden，myfriend，equaledexactlytwohundredandsixty-fivefeetofBritishmeasure。
　　Inthecenterofthegardenwasafountainandastatue——or，tospeakmorecorrectly，twostatues。Onewasrecumbent，——aman。
　　Overhim，saberinhand，stoodaWoman。
　　ThemanwasOlofernes。ThewomanwasJudith。Fromthehead，fromthetrunk，thewatergushed。Itwasthetasteofthedoctor：——wasitnotadrolloftaste？
　　Attheendofthegardenwasthedoctor’scabinetofstudy。Myfaith，asingularcabinet，andsingularpictures！——
　　DecapitationofCharlesPremieratVitehall。
　　DecapitationofMontroseatEdimbourg。
　　DecapitationofCinqMars。WhenItellyouthathewasamanoftaste，charming！
　　Throughthisgarden，bythesestatues，upthesestairs，wentthepalefigureofhimwho，theportersaid，knewthewayofthehouse。
　　Hedid。Turningneitherrightnorleft，heseemedtowalkTHROUGH
　　thestatues，theobstacles，theflowerbeds，thestairs，thedoor，thetables，thechairs。
　　InthecorneroftheroomwasTHATINSTRUMENT，whichGuillotinhadjustinventedandperfected。Onedayhewastolayhisownheadunderhisownax。Peacebetohisname！WithhimIdealnot！
　　Inaframeofmahogany，neatlyworked，wasaboardwithahalfcircleinit，overwhichanotherboardfitted。Abovewasaheavyax，whichfell——youknowhow。Itwasheldupbyarope，andwhenthisropewasuntied，orcut，thesteelfell。
　　TothestorywhichInowhavetorelate，youmaygivecredence，ornot，asyouwill。Thesleepingmanwentuptothatinstrument。
　　Helaidhisheadinit，asleep。
　　Asleep？
　　Hethentookalittlepenknifeoutofthepocketofhiswhitedimitywaistcoat。
　　Hecuttheropeasleep。
　　Theaxdescendedontheheadofthetraitorandvillain。Thenotchinitwasmadebythesteelbuckleofhisstock，whichwascutthrough。
　　Astrangelegendhasgotabroadthatafterthedeedwasdone，thefigurerose，tooktheheadfromthebasket，walkedforththroughthegarden，andbythescreamingportersatthegate，andwentandlaiditselfdownattheMorgue。ButforthisIwillnotvouch。
　　Onlyofthisbesure。’Therearemorethingsinheavenandearth，Horatio，thanaredreamedofinyourphilosophy。’Moreandmorethelightpeepsthroughthechinks。Soon，amidstmusicravishing，thecurtainwillrise，andthegloriousscenebedisplayed。Adieu！
　　Rememberme。Ha！’tisdawn，Pintosaid。Andhewasgone。
　　Iamashamedtosaythatmyfirstmovementwastoclutchthecheckwhichhehadleftwithme，andwhichIwasdeterminedtopresenttheverymomentthebankopened。Iknowtheimportanceofthesethings，andthatmenchangetheirmindsometimes。IsprangthroughthestreetstothegreatbankinghouseofManassehinDukeStreet。
　　ItseemedtomeasifIactuallyflewasIwalked。AstheclockstrucktenIwasatthecounterandlaiddownmycheck。
　　Thegentlemanwhoreceivedit，whowasoneoftheHebrewpersuasion，asweretheothertwohundredclerksoftheestablishment，havinglookedatthedraftwithterrorinhiscountenance，thenlookedatme，thencalledtohimselftwoofhisfellowclerks，andqueeritwastoseealltheiraquilinebeaksoverthepaper。
　　Come，come！saidI，don’tkeepmehereallday。Handmeoverthemoney，short，ifyouplease！forIwas，yousee，alittlealarmed，andsodeterminedtoassumesomeextrabluster。
　　Willyouhavethekindnesstostepintotheparlortothepartners？theclerksaid，andIfollowedhim。
　　What，AGAIN？shriekedabald-headed，red-whiskeredgentleman，whomIknewtobeMr。Manasseh。Mr。Salathiel，thisistoobad！
　　Leavemewiththisgentleman，S。Andtheclerkdisappeared。
　　Sir，hesaid，Iknowhowyoucamebythis：theCountdePintogaveityou。Itistoobad！Ihonormyparents。IhonorTHEIR
　　parents。Ihonortheirbills！Butthisoneofgrandma’sistoobad——itis，uponmyword，now！She’vebeendeadthesefive-and-
　　thirtyyears。Andthislastfourmonthsshehasleftherburialplaceandtooktodrawingonour’ouse！It’stoobad，grandma。itistoobad！andheappealedtome，andtearsactuallytrickleddownhisnose。
　　IsittheCountessSidonia’scheckornot？Iasked，haughtily。
　　But，Itellyou，she’sdead！It’sashame！——it’sashame！——itis，grandmamma！andhecried，andwipedhisgreatnoseinhisyellowpockethandkerchief。Lookyear——willyoutakepoundsinsteadofguineas？She’sdead，Itellyou！It’snogo！Takethepounds——
　　onetausendpound！——tennice，neat，crisphundred-poundnotes，andgoawayvidyou，do！
　　Iwillhavemybond，sir，ornothing，Isaid。andIputonanattitudeofresolutionwhichIconfesssurprisedevenmyself。
　　Weryveil，heshrieked，withmanyoaths，thenyoushallhavenoting——ha，ha，ha！——notingbutapoliceman！Mr。Abednego，callapoliceman！Takethat，youhumbugandimpostor！andherewithanabundanceoffrightfullanguagewhichIdarenotrepeat，thewealthybankerabusedanddefiedme。
　　Auboutducompte，whatwasItodo，ifabankerdidnotchoosetohonoracheckdrawnbyhisdeadgrandmother？IbegantowishIhadmysnuff-boxback。IbegantothinkIwasafoolforchangingthatlittleold-fashionedgoldforthisslipofstrangepaper。
　　Meanwhilethebankerhadpassedfromhisfitofangertoaparoxysmofdespair。Heseemedtobeaddressingsomepersoninvisible，butintheroom：Lookhere，ma’am，you’vereallybeencomingittoostrong。Ahundredthousandinsixmonths，andnowathousandmore！
　　The’ousecan’tstandit。itWON’Tstandit，Isay！What？Oh！
　　mercy，mercy！