Contents:
　　TheDarnedMounseerTheEnglishmanTheDisagreeableManTheComingBy—And—ByTheHighlyRespectableGondolierTheFairyQueen’sSongIsLifeABoonTheModernMajor—GeneralTheHeavyDragoonProperPrideThePoliceman’sLotTheBaffledGrumblerTheHouseOfPeersAMerryMadrigalTheDukeAndTheDuchessEheuFugaces—！
　　They’llNoneOf`EmBeMissedGirlGraduatesBraidTheRavenHairTheWorkingMonarchTheApeAndTheLadyOnlyRosesTheRover’sApologyAnAppealTheRewardOfMeritTheMagnetAndTheChurnTheFamilyFoolSansSouciARecipeTheMerrymanAndHisMaidTheSusceptibleChancellorWhenAMerryMaidenMarriesTheBritishTarAManWhoWouldWooAFairMaidTheSorcerer’sSongTheFickleBreezeTheFirstLord’sSongWouldYouKnow？
　　SpeculationAhMe！
　　TheDukeOfPlaza—ToroTheAestheteSaidIToMyself，SaidI
　　SorryHerLotTheContemplativeSentryThePhilosophicPillBlueBloodTheJudge’sSongWhenIFirstPutThisUniformOnSolatiumANightmareDon’tForget！
　　TheSuicide’sGraveHeAndSheTheMightyMustAMirageTheGhosts’HighNoonTheHumaneMikadoWillowWaly！
　　LifeIsLovelyAllTheYearTheUsher’sChargeTheGreatOakTreeKingGoodheartSleepOn！
　　TheLove—SickBoyPoetryEverywhereHeLoves！
　　TrueDiffidenceTheTangledSkeinMyLadyOneAgainstTheWorldPutAPennyInTheSlotGoodLittleGirlsLifeLimitedLiabilityAnglicisedUtopiaAnEnglishGirlAManager’sPerplexitiesOutOfSortsHowIt’sDoneAClassicalRevivalThePracticalJokerTheNationalAnthemHerTermsTheIndependentBeeTheDisconcertedTenorThePlayed—OutHumoristBallad:TheDarnedMounseerIshipped，d’yesee，inaRevenuesloop，And，offCapeFinisteere，Amerchantmanwesee，AFrenchman，goingfree，SowemadefortheboldMounseer，D’yesee？
　　WemadefortheboldMounseer！
　　ButsheprovedtobeaFrigate—andsheupwithherports，Andfireswithathirty—two！
　　Itcomeuncommonnear，Butweansweredwithacheer，WhichparalysedtheParley—voo，D’yesee？
　　WhichparalysedtheParley—voo！
　　ThenourCaptainheupandhesays，sayshe，"Thatchapweneednotfear，—
　　Wecantakeher，ifwelike，Sheissartinfortostrike，Forshe’sonlyadarnedMounseer，D’yesee？
　　She’sonlyadarnedMounseer！
　　ButtofightaFrenchfal—lal—it’slikehittin’ofagal—
　　It’salubberlythingfortodo;
　　Forwe，withallourfaults，Why，we’resturdyBritishsalts，Whileshe’sbutaParley—voo，D’yesee？
　　AmiserableParley—voo！"
　　Soweupwithourhelm，andwescudsbeforethebreeze，Aswegivesacompassionatingcheer;
　　FroggeeanswerswithashoutAsheseesusgoabout，WhichwasgratefulofthepoorMounseer，D’yesee？
　　WhichwasgratefulofthepoorMounseer！
　　AndI’llwagerintheirjoytheykissedeachother’scheek（Whichiswhatthemfurrinersdo），AndtheyblessedtheirluckystarsWewerehardyBritishtarsWhohadpityonapoorParley—voo，D’yesee？
　　WhohadpityonapoorParley—voo！
　　Ballad:TheEnglishmanHeisanEnglishman！
　　Forhehimselfhassaidit，Andit’sgreatlytohiscredit，ThatheisanEnglishman！
　　ForhemighthavebeenaRoosian，AFrench，orTurk，orProosian，OrperhapsItali—an！
　　Butinspiteofalltemptations，Tobelongtoothernations，HeremainsanEnglishman！
　　Hurrah！
　　Forthetrue—bornEnglishman！
　　Ballad:TheDisagreeableManIfyougivemeyourattention，IwilltellyouwhatIam:
　　I’magenuinephilanthropist—allotherkindsaresham。
　　EachlittlefaultoftemperandeachsocialdefectInmyerringfellow—creatures，Iendeavourtocorrect。
　　ToalltheirlittleweaknessesIopenpeople’seyes，Andlittleplanstosnubtheself—sufficientIdevise;
　　Ilovemyfellow—creatures—IdoallthegoodIcan—
　　YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！
　　AndIcan’tthinkwhy！
　　TocomplimentsinflatedI’veawitheringreply，AndvanityIalwaysdomybesttomortify;
　　AcharitableactionIcanskilfullydissect;
　　AndinterestedmotivesI’mdelightedtodetect。
　　Iknoweverybody’sincomeandwhateverybodyearns，AndIcarefullycompareitwiththeincome—taxreturns;
　　Buttobenefithumanity，howevermuchIplan，YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！
　　AndIcan’tthinkwhy！
　　I’msureI’mnoascetic;I’maspleasantascanbe;
　　You’llalwaysfindmereadywithacrushingrepartee;
　　I’veanirritatingchuckle，I’veacelebratedsneer，I’veanentertainingsnigger，I’veafascinatingleer;
　　Toeverybody’sprejudiceIknowathingortwo;
　　Icantellawoman’sageinhalfaminute—andIdo—
　　ButalthoughItrytomakemyselfaspleasantasIcan，YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！
　　AndIcan’tthinkwhy！
　　Ballad:TheComingBy—And—BySadisthatwoman’slotwho，yearbyyear，Sees，onebyone，herbeautiesdisappear;
　　AsTime，grownwearyofherheart—drawnsighs，Impatientlybeginsto"dimhereyes"！—
　　Herselfcompelled，inlife’suncertaingloamings，Towreatheherwrinkledbrowwithwell—saved"combings"—
　　Reduced，withrouge，lipsalve，andpearlygrey，To"makeup"forlosttime，asbestshemay！
　　Silveredistheravenhair，Spreadingisthepartingstraight，Mottledthecomplexionfair，Haltingistheyouthfulgait，Hollowisthelaughterfree，Spectacledthelimpideye，Littlewillbeleftofme，Inthecomingby—and—by！
　　Fadingisthetaperwaist—
　　Shapelessgrowstheshapelylimb，Andalthoughsecurelylaced，Spreadingisthefiguretrim！
　　StouterthanIusedtobe，StillmorecorpulentgrowI—
　　TherewillbetoomuchofmeInthecomingby—and—by！
　　Ballad:TheHighlyRespectableGondolierIstolethePrince，andIbroughthimhere，Andlefthim，gailyprattlingWithahighlyrespectableGondolier，WhopromisedtheRoyalbabetorear，AndteachhimthetradeofatimoneerWithhisownbelovedbratling。
　　Bothofthebabeswerestrongandstout，And，consideringallthings，clever。
　　Ofthatthereisnomannerofdoubt—
　　Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
　　Nopossibledoubtwhatever。
　　Timesped，andwhenattheendofayearIsoughtthatinfantcherished，ThathighlyrespectableGondolierWaslyingacorpseonhishumblebier—
　　IdroppedaGrandInquisitor’stear—
　　ThatGondolierhadperished！
　　Atastefordrink，combinedwithgout，Haddoubledhimupforever。
　　OfTHATthereisnomannerofdoubt—
　　Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
　　Nopossibledoubtwhatever。
　　Butowing，I’mmuchdisposedtofear，Tohisterribletastefortippling，ThathighlyrespectableGondolierCouldneverdeclarewithamindsincereWhichofthetwowashisoffspringdear，AndwhichtheRoyalstripling！
　　Whichwaswhichhecouldnevermakeout，Despitehisbestendeavour。
　　OfTHATthereisnomannerofdoubt—
　　Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
　　Nopossibledoubtwhatever。
　　Thechildrenfollowedhisoldcareer—
　　（Thisstatementcan’tbeparried）
　　OfahighlyrespectableGondolier:
　　Well，oneofthetwo（whowillsoonbehere）—
　　ButWHICHofthetwoisnotquiteclear—
　　IstheRoyalPrinceyoumarried！
　　SearchinandoutandroundaboutAndyou’lldiscoverneverAtalesofreefromeverydoubt—
　　Allprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
　　Allpossibledoubtwhatever！
　　Ballad:TheFairyQueen’sSongOh，foolishfay，ThinkyoubecauseMan’sbravearrayMybosomthawsI’ddisobeyOurfairylaws？
　　BecauseIflyInrealmsabove，IntendencyTofallinloveResembleI
　　Theamorousdove？
　　Oh，amorousdove！
　　TypeofOvidiusNaso！
　　ThisheartofmineIssoftasthine，AlthoughIdarenotsayso！
　　OnfirethatglowsWithheatintenseIturnthehoseOfCommonSense，AndoutitgoesAtsmallexpense！
　　WemustmaintainOurfairylaw;
　　ThatisthemainOnwhichtodraw—
　　InthatwegainACaptainShaw。
　　Oh，CaptainShaw！
　　Typeoftruelovekeptunder！
　　CouldthyBrigadeWithcoldcascadeQuenchmygreatlove，Iwonder！
　　Ballad:IsLifeABoonIslifeaboon？
　　Ifso，itmustbefallThatDeath，whene’erhecall，Mustcalltoosoon。
　　ThoughfourscoreyearshegiveYetonewouldpraytoliveAnothermoon！
　　WhatkindofplainthaveI，WhoperishinJuly？
　　ImighthavehadtodiePerchanceinJune！
　　Islifeathorn？
　　Thencountitnotawhit！
　　Maniswelldonewithit;
　　Soonashe’sbornHeshouldallmeansessayToputtheplagueaway;
　　AndI，war—worn，Poorcapturedfugitive，Mylifemostgladlygive—
　　ImighthavehadtoliveAnothermorn！
　　Ballad:TheModernMajor—GeneralIamtheverypatternofamodernMajor—Gineral，I’veinformationvegetable，animal，andmineral;
　　IknowthekingsofEngland，andIquotethefightshistorical，FromMarathontoWaterloo，inordercategorical;
　　I’mverywellacquainted，too，withmattersmathematical，Iunderstandequations，boththesimpleandquadratical;
　　AboutbinomialtheoremI’mteemingwithaloto’news，Withinterestingfactsaboutthesquareofthehypotenuse，I’mverygoodatintegralanddifferentialcalculus，Iknowthescientificnamesofbeingsanimalculous。
　　Inshort，inmattersvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral。
　　Iknowourmythichistory—KINGARTHUR’SandSIRCARADOC’S，Ianswerhardacrostics，I’veaprettytasteforparadox;
　　IquoteinelegiacsallthecrimesofHELIOGABALUS，InconicsIcanfloorpeculiaritiesparabolous。
　　ItellundoubtedRAPHAELSfromGERARDDOWSandZOFFANIES，Iknowthecroakingchorusfromthe"Frogs"ofARISTOPHANES;
　　ThenIcanhumafugue，ofwhichI’veheardthemusic’sdinafore，Andwhistlealltheairsfromthatconfoundednonsense"Pinafore。"
　　ThenIcanwriteawashing—billinBabyloniccuneiform，AndtellyoueverydetailofCARACTACUS’Suniform。
　　Inshort，inmattersvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral。
　　Infact，whenIknowwhatismeantby"mamelon"and"ravelin，"
　　WhenIcantellatsightaChassepotriflefromajavelin，WhensuchaffairsasSORTIESandsurprisesI’mmorewaryat，AndwhenIknowpreciselywhatismeantbyCommissariat，WhenIhavelearntwhatprogresshasbeenmadeinmoderngunnery，WhenIknowmoreoftacticsthananoviceinanunnery，Inshort，whenI’veasmatteringofelementarystrategy，You’llsayabetterMajor—GenerALhasneverSATagee—
　　Formymilitaryknowledge，thoughI’mpluckyandadventury，Hasonlybeenbroughtdowntothebeginningofthecentury。
　　Butstillinlearningvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral！
　　Ballad:TheHeavyDragoonIfyouwantareceiptforthatpopularmystery，KnowntotheworldasaHeavyDragoon，Takealltheremarkablepeopleinhistory，Rattlethemofftoapopulartune！
　　ThepluckofLORDNELSONonboardoftheVICTORY—
　　GeniusofBISMARCKdevisingaplan;
　　ThehumourofFIELDING（whichsoundscontradictory）—
　　CoolnessofPAGETabouttotrepan—
　　ThegraceofMOZART，thatunparalleledmusico—
　　WitofMACAULAY，whowroteofQUEENANNE—
　　ThepathosofPADDY，asrenderedbyBOUCICAULT—
　　StyleoftheBISHOPOFSODORANDMAN—
　　ThedashofaD’ORSAY，divestedofquackery—
　　NarrativepowersofDICKENSandTHACKERAY—
　　VICTOREMMANUEL—peak—hauntingPEVERIL—
　　THOMASAQUINAS，andDOCTORSACHEVERELL—
　　TUPPERandTENNYSON—DANIELDEFOE—
　　ANTHONYTROLLOPEandMISTERGUIZOT！
　　Takeoftheseelementsallthatisfusible，Melt’emalldowninapipkinorcrucible，Set’emtosimmerandtakeoffthescum，AndaHeavyDragoonistheresiduum！
　　Ifyouwantareceiptforthissoldierlikeparagon，GetatthewealthoftheCZAR（ifyoucan）—
　　ThefamilyprideofaSpaniardfromArragon—
　　ForceofMEPHISTOpronouncingaban—
　　AsmackofLORDWATERFORD，recklessandrollicky—
　　SwaggerofRODERICK，headinghisclan—
　　ThekeenpenetrationofPADDINGTONPOLLAKY—
　　GraceofanOdalisqueonadivan—
　　ThegeniusstrategicofCAESARorHANNIBAL—
　　SkillofLORDWOLSELEYinthrashingacannibal—
　　FlavourofHAMLET—theSTRANGER，atouchofhim—
　　LittleofMANFRED（butnotverymuchofhim）—
　　BeadleofBurlington—RICHARDSON’Sshow—
　　MR。MICAWBERandMADAMETUSSAUD！
　　Takeoftheseelementsallthatisfusible—
　　Melt’emalldowninapipkinorcrucible—
　　Set’emtosimmerandtakeoffthescum，AndaHeavyDragoonistheresiduum！
　　Ballad:ProperPrideTheSun，whoseraysAreallablazeWithever—livingglory，WillnotdenyHismajesty—
　　Hescornstotellastory:
　　Hewon’texclaim，"Iblushforshame，Sokindlybeindulgent，"
　　But，fierceandbold，Infierygold，Hegloriesalleffulgent！
　　Imeantoruletheearth，Ashethesky—
　　Wereallyknowourworth，TheSunandI！
　　Observehisflame，Thatplaciddame，TheMoon’sCelestialHighness;
　　There’snotatraceUponherfaceOfdiffidenceorshyness:
　　SheborrowslightThat，throughthenight，Mankindmayallacclaimher！
　　And，truthtotell，Shelightsupwell，SoI，forone，don’tblameher！
　　Ah，praymakenomistake，Wearenotshy;
　　We’reverywideawake，TheMoonandI！
　　Ballad:ThePoliceman’sLotWhenafelon’snotengagedinhisemployment，Ormaturinghisfeloniouslittleplans，HiscapacityforinnocentenjoymentIsjustasgreatasanyhonestman’s。
　　OurfeelingswewithdifficultysmotherWhenconstabularyduty’stobedone:
　　Ah，takeoneconsiderationwithanother，Apoliceman’slotisnotahappyone！
　　Whentheenterprisingburglarisn’tburgling，Whenthecut—throatisn’toccupiedincrime，Helovestohearthelittlebrooka—gurgling，Andlistentothemerryvillagechime。
　　Whenthecoster’sfinishedjumpingonhismother，Helovestoliea—baskinginthesun:
　　Ah，takeoneconsiderationwithanother，Thepoliceman’slotisnotahappyone！
　　Ballad:TheBaffledGrumblerWhene’erIpokeSarcasticjokeRepletewithmalicespiteful，ThepeoplevilePolitelysmileAndvotemequitedelightful！
　　Now，whenawightSitsupallnightIll—naturedjokesdevising，AndallhiswilesAremetwithsmiles，It’shard，there’snodisguising！
　　Oh，don’tthedaysseemlankandlongWhenallgoesrightandnothinggoeswrong，Andisn’tyourlifeextremelyflatWithnothingwhatevertogrumbleat！
　　WhenGermanbands，FrommusicstandsPlayWagnerimperFECTly—
　　Ibidthemgo—
　　Theydon’tsayno，Butofftheytrotdirectly！
　　TheorganboysTheystoptheirnoiseWithreadinesssurprising，AndgrinningherdsOfhurdy—gurdsRetireapologising！
　　Oh，don’tthedaysseemlankandlongWhenallgoesrightandnothinggoeswrong，Andisn’tyourlifeextremelyflatWithnothingwhatevertogrumbleat！
　　I’veofferedgold，Insumsuntold，Toallwho’dcontradictme—
　　I’vesaidI’dpayApoundadayToanyonewhokickedme—
　　I’vebribedwithtoysGreatvulgarboysTouttersomethingspiteful，But，blessyou，no！
　　TheyWILLbesoConfoundedlypoliteful！
　　Inshort，theseaggravatinglads，Theyticklemytastes，theyfeedmyfads，Theygivemethisandtheygivemethat，AndI’venothingwhatevertogrumbleat！
　　Ballad:TheHouseOfPeersWhenBritainreallyruledthewaves—
　　（IngoodQueenBess’stime）
　　TheHouseofPeersmadenopretenceTointellectualeminence，Orscholarshipsublime;
　　YetBritainwonherproudestbaysIngoodQueenBess’sgloriousdays！
　　WhenWellingtonthrashedBonaparte，Aseverychildcantell，TheHouseofPeers，throughoutthewar，Didnothinginparticular，Anddiditverywell;
　　YetBritainsettheworldablazeIngoodKingGeorge’sgloriousdays！
　　AndwhiletheHouseofPeerswithholdsItslegislativehand，AndnoblestatesmendonotitchTointerferewithmatterswhichTheydonotunderstand，AsbrightwillshineGreatBritain’srays，AsinKingGeorge’sgloriousdays！
　　Ballad:AMerryMadrigalBrightlydawnsourweddingday;
　　Joyoushour，wegivetheegreeting！
　　Whither，whitherartthoufleeting？
　　Ficklemoment，pritheestay！
　　Whatthoughmortaljoysbehollow？
　　Pleasurescome，ifsorrowsfollow。
　　Thoughthetocsinsound，erelong，Dingdong！Dingdong！
　　YetuntiltheshadowsfallOveroneandoverall，Singamerrymadrigal—
　　Falla！
　　Letusdrythereadytear;
　　Thoughthehoursaresurelycreeping，LittleneedforwoefulweepingTillthesadsundownisnear。