Contents:
　　TheAgriculturalInterestThreateningLettertoThomasHoodfromanAncientGentlemanCrimeandEducationCapitalPunishmentTheSpiritofChivalryinWestminsterHallInMemoriam——W。M。ThackerayAdelaideAnneProcterChaunceyHareTownshendOnMr。Fechter’sActingTHEAGRICULTURALINTEREST
　　ThepresentGovernment，havingshownitselftobeparticularlycleverinitsmanagementofIndictmentsforConspiracy，cannotdobetter，wethink（keepinginitsadministrativeeyethepacificationofsomeofitsmostinfluentialandmostunrulysupporters），thanindictthewholemanufacturinginterestofthecountryforaconspiracyagainsttheagriculturalinterest。Asthejuryoughttobebeyondimpeachment，thepanelmightbechosenamongtheDukeofBuckingham’stenants，withtheDukeofBuckinghamhimselfasforeman;and，totheendthatthecountrymightbequitesatisfiedwiththejudge，andhaveamplesecuritybeforehandforhismoderationandimpartiality，itwouldbedesirable，perhaps，tomakesuchaslightchangeintheworkingofthelaw（amerenothingtoaConservativeGovernment，bentuponitsend），aswouldenablethequestiontobetriedbeforeanEcclesiasticalCourt，withtheBishopofExeterpresiding。TheAttorney—GeneralforIreland，turninghisswordintoaploughshare，mightconducttheprosecution;andMr。
　　Cobdenandtheothertraversersmightadoptanygroundofdefencetheychose，orproveordisproveanythingtheypleased，withoutbeingembarrassedbytheleastanxietyordoubtinreferencetotheverdict。
　　Thatthecountryingeneralisinaconspiracyagainstthissacredbutunhappyagriculturalinterest，therecanbenodoubt。ItisnotalonewithinthewallsofCoventGardenTheatre，ortheFreeTradeHallatManchester，ortheTownHallatBirmingham，thatthecry"RepealtheCorn—laws！"israised。Itmaybeheard，moaningatnight，throughthestraw—litteredwardsofRefugesfortheDestitute;itmaybereadinthegauntandfamishedfaceswhichmakeourstreetsterrible;itismutteredinthethankfulgracepronouncedbyhaggardwretchesovertheirfelonfareingaols;itisinscribedindreadfulcharactersuponthewallsofFeverHospitals;
　　andmaybeplainlytracedineveryrecordofmortality。Allofwhichproves，thatthereisavastconspiracyafoot，againsttheunfortunateagriculturalinterest。
　　Theywhorun，evenuponrailroads，mayreadofthisconspiracy。Theoldstage—coachmanwasafarmer’sfriend。Heworetop—boots，understoodcattle，fedhishorsesuponcorn，andhadalivelypersonalinterestinmalt。Theengine—driver’sgarb，andsympathies，andtastesbelongtothefactory。Hisfustiandress，besmearedwithcoal—dustandbegrimedwithsoot;hisoilyhands，hisdirtyface，hisknowledgeofmachinery;allpointhimoutasonedevotedtothemanufacturinginterest。Fireandsmoke，andred—hotcindersfollowinhiswake。Hehasnoattachmenttothesoil，buttravelsonaroadofiron，furnacewrought。HiswarningisnotconveyedinthefineoldSaxondialectofourgloriousforefathers，butinafiendishyell。Henevercries"ya—hip"，withagriculturallungs;butjerksforthamanufacturedshriekfromabrazenthroat。
　　Whereistheagriculturalinterestrepresented？Fromwhatphaseofoursociallifehasitnotbeendriven，totheunduesettingupofitsfalserival？
　　Arethepoliceagricultural？Thewatchmenwere。Theyworewoollennightcapstoaman;theyencouragedthegrowthoftimber，bypatrioticallyadheringtostavesandrattlesofimmensesize;theyslepteverynightinboxes，whichwerebutanotherformofthecelebratedwoodenwallsofOldEngland;theyneverwokeuptillitwastoolate——inwhichrespectyoumighthavethoughtthemveryfarmers。Howisitwiththepolice？TheirbuttonsaremadeatBirmingham;adozenoftheirtruncheonswouldpoorlyfurnishforthawatchman’sstaff;theyhavenowoodenwallstoreposebetween;andthecrownsoftheirhatsareplatedwithcast—iron。
　　Arethedoctorsagricultural？LetMessrs。MorisonandMoat，oftheHygeianestablishmentatKing’sCross，London，reply。Isitnot，upontheconstantshowingofthosegentlemen，anascertainedfactthatthewholemedicalprofessionhaveunitedtodepreciatetheworthoftheUniversalVegetableMedicines？Andisthisoppositiontovegetables，andexaltationofsteelandironinstead，onthepartoftheregularpractitioners，capableofanyinterpretationbutone？
　　Isitnotadistinctrenouncementoftheagriculturalinterest，andasettingupofthemanufacturinginterestinstead？
　　Dotheprofessorsofthelawatallfailintheirtruthtothebeautifulmaidwhomtheyoughttoadore？InquireoftheAttorney—
　　GeneralforIreland。Inquireofthathonourableandlearnedgentleman，whoselastpublicactwastocastasidethegreygoose—
　　quill，anarticleofagriculturalproduce，andtakeupthepistol，which，underthesystemofpercussionlocks，hasnotevenaflinttoconnectitwithfarming。Orputthequestiontoastillhigherlegalfunctionary，who，onthesameoccasion，whenheshouldhavebeenareed，inclininghereandthere，asadversegalesofevidencedisposedhim，wasseentobeamanufacturedimageontheseatofJustice，castbyPower，inmostimpenetrablebrass。
　　Theworldistoomuchwithusinthismanufacturinginterest，earlyandlate;thatisthegreatcomplaintandthegreattruth。Itisnotsowiththeagriculturalinterest，orwhatpassesbythatname。
　　Itneverthinksofthesufferingworld，orseesit，orcarestoextenditsknowledgeofit;or，solongasitremainsaworld，caresanythingaboutit。AllthosewhomDanteplacedinthefirstpitorcircleofthedolefulregions，mighthaverepresentedtheagriculturalinterestinthepresentParliament，oratquartersessions，oratmeetingsofthefarmers’friends，oranywhereelse。
　　Butthatisnotthequestionnow。Itisconspiredagainst;andwehavegivenafewproofsoftheconspiracy，astheyshineoutofvariousclassesengagedinit。Anindictmentagainstthewholemanufacturinginterestneednotbelonger，surely，thantheindictmentinthecaseoftheCrownagainstO’Connellandothers。
　　Mr。Cobdenmaybetakenasitsrepresentative——asindeedheis，byoneconsentalready。Theremaybenoevidence;butthatisnotrequired。Ajudgeandjuryareallthatisneeded。AndtheGovernmentknowwheretofindthem，ortheygainexperiencetolittlepurpose。
　　THREATENINGLETTER
　　TOTHOMASHOOD
　　FROMANANCIENTGENTLEMAN
　　MR。HOOD。SIR，——TheConstitutionisgoingatlast！Youneedn’tlaugh，Mr。Hood。Iamawarethatithasbeengoing，twoorthreetimesbefore;perhapsfourtimes;butitisonthemovenow，sir，andnomistake。
　　Ibegtosay，thatIusethoselastexpressionsadvisedly，sir，andnotinthesenseinwhichtheyarenowusedbyJackanapeses。TherewerenoJackanapeseswhenIwasaboy，Mr。Hood。EnglandwasOldEnglandwhenIwasyoung。IlittlethoughtitwouldevercometobeYoungEnglandwhenIwasold。Buteverythingisgoingbackward。
　　Ah！governmentsweregovernments，andjudgeswerejudges，inmyday，Mr。Hood。Therewasnononsensethen。Anyofyourseditiouscomplainings，andwewerereadywiththemilitaryontheshortestnotice。WeshouldhavechargedCoventGardenTheatre，sir，onaWednesdaynight:atthepointofthebayonet。Then，thejudgeswerefullofdignityandfirmness，andknewhowtoadministerthelaw。Thereisonlyonejudgewhoknowshowtodohisduty，now。Hetriedthatrevolutionaryfemaletheotherday，who，thoughshewasinfullwork（makingshirtsatthree—halfpenceapiece），hadnoprideinhercountry，buttreasonablytookitinherhead，inthedistractionofhavingbeenrobbedofhereasyearnings，toattempttodrownherselfandheryoungchild;andthegloriousmanwentoutofhisway，sir——outofhisway——tocallherupforinstantsentenceofDeath;andtotellhershehadnohopeofmercyinthisworld——asyoumayseeyourselfifyoulookinthepapersofWednesdaythe17thofApril。Hewon’tbesupported，sir，Iknowhewon’t;butitisworthrememberingthathiswordswerecarriedintoeverymanufacturingtownofthiskingdom，andreadaloudtocrowdsineverypoliticalparlour，beer—shop，news—room，andsecretoropenplaceofassembly，frequentedbythediscontentedworking—men;andthatnomilk—and—waterweaknessonthepartoftheexecutivecaneverblotthemout。Greatthingslikethat，arecaughtup，andstoredup，inthesetimes，andarenotforgotten，Mr。Hood。Thepublicatlarge（especiallythosewhowishforpeaceandconciliation）areuniversallyobligedtohim。IfitisreservedforanymantosettheThamesonfire，itisreservedforhim;andindeedIamtoldheverynearlydidit，once。
　　Butevenhewon’tsavetheconstitution，sir:itismauledbeyondthepowerofpreservation。Doyouknowinwhatfoulweatheritwillbesacrificedandshipwrecked，Mr。Hood？Doyouknowonwhatrockitwillstrike，sir？Youdon’t，Iamcertain;fornobodydoesknowasyetbutmyself。Iwilltellyou。
　　Theconstitutionwillgodown，sir（nauticallyspeaking），inthedegenerationofthehumanspeciesinEngland，anditsreductionintoamingledraceofsavagesandpigmies。
　　Thatismyproposition。Thatismyprediction。ThatistheeventofwhichIgiveyouwarning。Iamnowgoingtoproveit，sir。
　　Youarealiteraryman，Mr。Hood，andhavewritten，Iamtold，somethingsworthreading。IsayIamtold，becauseIneverreadwhatiswritteninthesedays。You’llexcuseme;butmyprincipleis，thatnomanoughttoknowanythingabouthisowntime，exceptthatitistheworsttimethateverwas，oriseverlikelytobe。Thatistheonlyway，sir，tobetrulywiseandhappy。
　　Inyourstation，asaliteraryman，Mr。Hood，youarefrequentlyattheCourtofHerGraciousMajestytheQueen。Godblessher！Youhavereasontoknowthatthethreegreatkeystotheroyalpalace（afterrankandpolitics）areScience，Literature，Art。Idon’tapproveofthismyself。Ithinkitungenteelandbarbarous，andquiteun—English;thecustomhavingbeenaforeignone，eversincethereignsoftheuncivilisedsultansintheArabianNights，whoalwayscalledthewisemenoftheirtimeaboutthem。Butsoitis。
　　Andwhenyoudon’tdineattheroyaltable，thereisalwaysaknifeandforkforyouattheequerries’table:where，Iunderstand，allgiftedmenaremadeparticularlywelcome。
　　Butallmencan’tbegifted，Mr。Hood。Neitherscientific，literary，norartisticalpowersareanymoretobeinheritedthanthepropertyarisingfromscientific，literary，orartisticproductions，whichthelaw，withabeautifulimitationofnature，declinestoprotectinthesecondgeneration。Verygood，sir。
　　Then，peoplearenaturallyverypronetocastaboutintheirmindsforothermeansofgettingatCourtFavour;and，watchingthesignsofthetimes，tohewoutforthemselves，ortheirdescendants，thelikeliestroadstothatdistinguishedgoal。
　　Mr。Hood，itisprettyclear，fromrecentrecordsintheCourtCircular，thatifafatherwishtotrainuphissoninthewayheshouldgo，togotoCourt:andcannotindenturehimtobeascientificman，anauthor，oranartist，threecoursesareopentohim。Hemustendeavourbyartificialmeanstomakehimadwarf，awildman，oraBoyJones。
　　Now，sir，thisistheshoalandquicksandonwhichtheconstitutionwillgotopieces。
　　Ihavemadeinquiry，Mr。Hood，andfindthatinmyneighbourhoodtwofamiliesandafractionoutofeveryfour，inthelowerandmiddleclassesofsociety，arestudyingandpractisingallconceivableartstokeeptheirinfantchildrendown。Understandme。Idonotmeandownintheirnumbers，ordownintheirprecocity，butdownintheirgrowth，sir。Adestructiveandsubduingdrink，compoundedofginandmilkinequalquantities，suchasisgiventopuppiestoretardtheirgrowth:notsomethingshort，butsomethingshortening:isadministeredtotheseyoungcreaturesmanytimesaday。Anunnaturalandartificialthirstisfirstawakenedintheseinfantsbymealsofsaltbeef，bacon，anchovies，sardines，redherrings，shrimps，olives，pea—soup，andthatdescriptionofdiet;andwhentheyscreechfordrink，inaccentsthatmightmeltaheartofstone，whichtheydoconstantly（Ialludetoscreeching，nottomelting），thisliquidisintroducedintotheirtooconfidingstomachs。Atsuchanearlyage，andtosogreatanextent，isthiscustomofprovokingthirst，thenquenchingitwithastuntingdrink，observed，thatbrinepaphasalreadysupersededtheuseoftops—and—bottoms;
　　andwet—nurses，previouslyfreefromanykindofreproach，havebeenseentostaggerinthestreets:owing，sir，tothequantityofginintroducedintotheirsystems，withaviewtoitsgradualandnaturalconversionintothefluidIhavealreadymentioned。
　　UponthebestcalculationIcanmake，thisisgoingon，asIhavesaid，intheproportionofabouttwofamiliesandafractioninfour。Inonemorefamilyandafractionoutofthesamenumber，effortsarebeingmadetoreducethechildrentoastateofnature;
　　andtoinculcate，atatenderage，theloveofrawflesh，trainoil，newrum，andtheacquisitionofscalps。Wildandoutlandishdancesarealsoinvogue（youwillhaveobservedtheprevailingrageforthePolka）;andsavagecriesandwhoopsaremuchindulgedin（asyoumaydiscover，ifyoudoubtit，intheHouseofCommonsanynight）。
　　Nay，somepersons，Mr。Hood;andpersonsofsomefigureanddistinctiontoo;havealreadysucceededinbreedingwildsons;whohavebeenpubliclyshownintheCourtsofBankruptcy，andinpolice—
　　offices，andinothercommodiousexhibition—rooms，withgreateffect，butwhohavenotyetfoundfavouratcourt;inconsequence，asIinfer，oftheimpressionmadebyMr。Rankin’swildmenbeingtoofreshandrecent，tosaynothingofMr。Rankin’swildmenbeingforeigners。
　　Ineednotreferyou，sir，tothelateinstanceoftheOjibbewayBride。ButIamcrediblyinformed，thatsheisontheeveofretiringintoasavagefastness，whereshemaybringforthandeducateawildfamily，whoshallincourseoftime，bythedexteroususeofthepopularitytheyarecertaintoacquireatWindsorandSt。
　　James’s，dividewithdwarfstheprincipalofficesofstate，ofpatronage，andpower，intheUnitedKingdom。
　　Considerthedeplorableconsequences，Mr。Hood，whichmustresultfromtheseproceedings，andtheencouragementtheyreceiveinthehighestquarters。
　　Thedwarfbeingthefavourite，sir，itiscertainthatthepublicmindwillruninagreatandeminentdegreeupontheproductionofdwarfs。Perhapsthefailuresonlywillbebroughtup，wild。Theimaginationgoesalongwayinthesecases;andallthattheimaginationcando，willbedone，andisdoing。Youmayconvinceyourselfofthis，byobservingtheconditionofthoseladieswhotakeparticularnoticeofGeneralTomThumbattheEgyptianHall，duringhishoursofperformance。
　　Therapidincreaseofdwarfs，willbefirstfeltinherMajesty’srecruitingdepartment。Thestandardwill，ofnecessity，belowered;
　　thedwarfswillgrowsmallerandsmaller;thevulgarexpression"amanofhisinches"willbecomeafigureoffact，insteadofafigureofspeech;crackregiments，household—troopsespecially，willpickthesmallestmenfromallpartsofthecountry;andinthetwolittleporticoesattheHorseGuards，twoTomThumbswillbedailyseen，doingduty，mountedonapairofShetlandponies。Eachofthemwillberelieved（asTomThumbisatthismoment，intheintervalsofhisperformance）byawildman;andaBritishGrenadierwilleithergointoaquartpot，orbeanOldBoy，orBlueGull，orFlyingBull，orsomeothersavagechiefofthatnature。
　　IwillnotexpatiateuponthenumberofdwarfswhowillbefoundrepresentingGrecianstatuesinallpartsofthemetropolis;becauseIaminclinedtothinkthatthiswillbeachangeforthebetter;
　　andthattheengagementoftwoorthreeinTrafalgarSquarewilltendtotheimprovementofthepublictaste。
　　ThevariousgenteelemploymentsatCourtbeingheldbydwarfs，sir，itwillbenecessarytoalter，insomerespects，thepresentregulations。ItisquiteclearthatnotevenGeneralTomThumbhimselfcouldpreserveabecomingdignityonstateoccasions，ifrequiredtowalkaboutwithascaffolding—poleunderhisarm;
　　thereforethegoldandsilversticksatpresentused，mustbecutdownintoskewersofthosepreciousmetals;atwigoftheblackrodwillbequiteasmuchascanbeconvenientlypreserved;thecoralandbellsofhisRoyalHighnessthePrinceofWales，willbeusedinlieuofthemaceatpresentinexistence;andthatbauble（asOliverCromwellcalledit，Mr。Hood），itsvaluebeingfirstcalculatedbyMr。Finlayson，thegovernmentactuary，willbeplacedtothecreditoftheNationalDebt。
　　Allthis，sir，willbethedeathoftheconstitution。Butthisisnotall。Theconstitutiondieshard，perhaps;butthereisenoughdiseaseimpending，Mr。Hood，tokillitthreetimesover。
　　WildmenwillgetintotheHouseofCommons。Imaginethat，sir！
　　ImagineStrongWindintheHouseofCommons！Itisnotaneasymattertogetthroughadebatenow;butIsay，imagineStrongWind，speakingforthebenefitofhisconstituents，upontheflooroftheHouseofCommons！orimagine（whichispregnantwithmoreawfulconsequencesstill）theministryhavinganinterpreterintheHouseofCommons，totellthecountry，inEnglish，whatitreallymeans！
　　Why，sir，thatinitselfwouldbeblowingtheconstitutionoutofthemortarinSt。James’sPark，andleavingnothingofittobeseenbutsmoke。
　　Butthis，Irepeatit，isthestateofthingstowhichwearefasttending，Mr。Hood;andIenclosemycardforyourprivateeye，thatyoumaybequitecertainofit。Whattheconditionofthiscountrywillbe，whenitsstandingarmyiscomposedofdwarfs，withhereandthereawildmantothrowitsranksintoconfusion，liketheelephantsemployedinwarinformertimes，Ileaveyoutoimagine，sir。Itmaybeobjectedbysomehopefuljackanapeses，thatthenumberofimpressmentsinthenavy，consequentupontheseizureoftheBoy—Joneses，orremainingportionofthepopulationambitiousofCourtFavour，willbeinitselfsufficienttodefendourIslandfromforeigninvasion。ButItellthosejackanapeses，sir，thatwhileI
　　admitthewisdomoftheBoyJonesprecedent，ofkidnappingsuchyouthsaftertheexpirationoftheirseveraltermsofimprisonmentasvagabonds;hurryingthemonboardship;andpackingthemofftoseaagainwhenevertheyventuretotaketheaironshore;Idenythejusticeoftheinference;inasmuchasitappearstome，thattheinquiringmindsofthoseyoungoutlawsmustnaturallyleadtotheirbeinghangedbytheenemyasspies，earlyintheircareer;andbeforetheyshallhavebeenratedonthebooksofourfleetasableseamen。
　　Such，Mr。Hood，sir，istheprospectbeforeus！Andunlessyou，andsomeofyourfriendswhohaveinfluenceatCourt，cangetupagiantasaforlornhope，itisalloverwiththisill—fatedland。
　　Inreferencetoyourownaffairs，sir，youwilltakewhatevercoursemayseemtoyoumostprudentandadvisableafterthiswarning。Itisnotawarningtobeslighted:thatIhappentoknow。Iaminformedbythegentlemanwhofavoursthis，thatyouhaverecentlybeenmakingsomechangesandimprovementsinyourMagazine，andare，inpointoffact，startingafresh。IfIbewellinformed，andthisbereallyso，relyuponitthatyoucannotstarttoosmall，sir。
　　Comedowntotheduodecimosizeinstantly，Mr。Hood。Taketimebytheforelock;and，reducingthestatureofyourMagazineeverymonth，bringitatlasttothedimensionsofthelittlealmanacknolongerissued，Iregrettosay，bytheingeniousMr。Schloss:whichwasinvisibletothenakedeyeuntilexaminedthroughalittleeye—
　　glass。