ThusdiditcometopassthatwhileIwasutterlyabsorbedinprideandsensuality，divinegrace，thecureforbothdiseases，wasforceduponme，eventhoughI，forsoothwouldfainhaveshunnedit。FirstwasIpunishedformysensuality，andthenformypride。FormysensualityIlostthosethingswherebyIpracticedit;formypride，engenderedinmebymyknowledgeoflettersanditisevenastheApostlesaid:"Knowledgepuffethitselfup"（ICor。viii。1）——IknewthehumiliationofseeingburnedtheverybookinwhichImostgloried。Andnowitismydesirethatyoushouldknowthestoriesofthesetwohappenings，understandingthemmoretrulyfromlearningtheveryfactsthanfromhearingwhatisspokenofthem，andintheorderinwhichtheycameabout。BecauseIhadeverheldinabhorrencethefoulnessofprostitutes，becauseIhaddiligentlykeptmyselffromallexcessesandfromassociationwiththewomenofnoblebirthwhoattendedtheschool，becauseIknewsolittleofthecommontalkofordinarypeople，perverseandsubtlyflatteringchancegavebirthtoanoccasionforcastingmelightlydownfromtheheightsofmyownexaltation。Nay，insuchcasenotevendivinegoodnesscouldredeemonewho，havingbeensoproud，wasbroughttosuchshame，wereitnotfortheblessedgiftofgrace。CHAPTERVIOFHOW，BROUGHTLOWBYHISLOVEFORHELOISE，HEWASWOUNDEDIN
BODYANDSOUL
NOWtheredweltinthatsamecityofParisacertainyounggirlnamedHeloise，theneiceofacanonwhowascalledFulbert。Heruncle’sloveforherwasequalledonlybyhisdesirethatsheshouldhavethebesteducationwhichhecouldpossiblyprocureforher。Ofnomeanbeauty，shestoodoutaboveallbyreasonofherabundantknowledgeofletters。Nowthisvirtueisrareamongwomen，andforthatveryreasonitdoublygracedthemaiden，andmadeherthemostworthyofrenownintheentirekingdom。ItwasthisyounggirlwhomI，aftercarefullyconsideringallthosequalitieswhicharewonttoattractlovers，determinedtounitewithmyselfinthebondsoflove，andindeedthethingseemedtomeveryeasytobedone。Sodistinguishedwasmyname，andIpossessedsuchadvantagesofyouthandcomeliness，thatnomatterwhatwomanImightfavourwithmylove，Idreadedrejectionofnone。Then，too，IbelievedthatIcouldwinthemaiden’sconsentallthemoreeasilybyreasonofherknowledgeoflettersandherzealtherefor;
so，evenifwewereparted，wemightyetbetogetherinthoughtwiththeaidofwrittenmessages。Perchance，too，wemightbeabletowritemoreboldlythanwecouldspeak，andthusatalltimescouldweliveinjoyousintimacy。
Thus，utterlyaflamewithmypassionforthismaiden，IsoughttodiscovermeanswherebyImighthavedailyandfamiliarspeechwithher，therebythemoreeasilytowinherconsent。ForthispurposeIpersuadedthegirl’suncle，withtheaidofsomeofhisfriendstotakemeintohishousehold——forhedwelthardbymyschool——inreturnforthepaymentofasmallsum。Mypretextforthiswasthatthecareofmyownhouseholdwasaserioushandicaptomystudies，andlikewiseburdenedmewithanexpensefargreaterthanIcouldafford。Nowhewasamankeeninavariceandlikewisehewasmostdesirousforhisniecethatherstudyoflettersshouldevergoforward，so，forthesetworeasonsIeasilywonhisconsenttothefulfillmentofmywish，forhewasfairlyagapeformymoney，andatthesametimebelievedthathisniecewouldvastlybenefitbymyteaching。Moreeventhanthis，byhisownearnestentreatieshefellinwithmydesiresbeyondanythingIhaddaredtohope，openingthewayformylove;forheentrustedherwhollytomyguidance，beggingmetogiveherinstructionwhensoeverI
mightbefreefromthedutiesofmyschool，nomatterwhetherbydayorbynight，andtopunishhersternlyifeverIshouldfindhernegligentofhertasks。Inallthistheman’ssimplicitywasnothingshortofastoundingtome;Ishouldnothavebeenmoresmittenwithwonderifhehadentrustedatenderlambtothecareofaravenouswolf。Whenhehadthusgivenherintomycharge，notalonetobetaughtbuteventobedisciplined，whathadhedonesavetogivefreescopetomydesires，andtooffermeeveryopportunity，evenifIhadnotsoughtit，tobendhertomywillwiththreatsandblowsifIfailedtodosowithcaresses？Therewere，however，twothingswhichparticularlyservedtoallayanyfoulsuspicion:hisownloveforhisniece，andmyformerreputationforcontinence。
WhyshouldIsaymore？Wewereunitedfirstinthedwellingthatshelteredourlove，andthenintheheartsthatburnedwithit。Underthepretextofstudywespentourhoursinthehappinessoflove，andlearningheldouttousthesecretopportunitiesthatourpassioncraved。Ourspeechwasmoreoflovethanofthebookswhichlayopenbeforeus;ourkissesfaroutnumberedourreasonedwords。Ourhandssoughtlessthebookthaneachother’sbosoms——lovedrewoureyestogetherfarmorethanthelessondrewthemtothepagesofourtext。Inorderthattheremightbenosuspicion，therewere，indeed，sometimesblows，butlovegavethem，notanger;theywerethemarks，notofwrath，butofatendernesssurpassingthemostfragrantbalminsweetness。Whatfollowed？Nodegreeinlove’sprogresswasleftuntriedbyourpassion，andifloveitselfcouldimagineanywonderasyetunknown，wediscoveredit。Andourinexperienceofsuchdelightsmadeusallthemoreardentinourpursuitofthem，sothatourthirstforoneanotherwasstillunquenched。
Inmeasureasthispassionateraptureabsorbedmemoreandmore，Idevotedeverlesstimetophilosophyandtotheworkoftheschool。Indeeditbecameloathsometometogototheschoolortolingerthere;thelabour，moreover，wasveryburdensome，sincemynightswerevigilsofloveandmydaysofstudy。Mylecturingbecameutterlycarelessandlukewarm;Ididnothingbecauseofinspiration，buteverythingmerelyasamatterofhabit。Ihadbecomenothingmorethanareciterofmyformerdiscoveries，andthoughIstillwrotepoems，theydealtwithlove，notwiththesecretsofphilosophy。
Ofthesesongsyouyourselfwellknowhowsomehavebecomewidelyknownandhavebeensunginmanylands，chiefly，methinks，bythosewhodelightedinthethingsofthisworld。Asforthesorrow，thegroans，thelamentationsofmystudentswhentheyperceivedthepreoccupation，nay，ratherthechaos，ofmymind，itishardeventoimaginethem。
Athingsomanifestcoulddeceiveonlyafew，noone，methinks，savehimwhoseshameitchieflybespoke，thegirl’suncle，Fulbert。Thetruthwasoftenenoughhintedtohim，andbymanypersons，buthecouldnotbelieveit，partly，asIhavesaid，byreasonofhisboundlessloveforhisniece，andpartlybecauseofthewell—knowncontinenceofmypreviouslife。Indeedwedonoteasilysuspectshameinthosewhomwemostcherish，norcantherebetheblotoffoulsuspicionondevotedlove。OfthisSt。JeromeinhisepistletoSabinianus（Epist。48）says:"Wearewonttobethelasttoknowtheevilsofourownhouseholds，andtobeignorantofthesinsofourchildrenandourwives，thoughourneighbourssingthemaloud。"Butnomatterhowslowamattermaybeindisclosingitself，itissuretocomeforthatlast，norisiteasytohidefromonewhatisknowntoall。
So，afterthelapseofseveralmonths，didithappenwithus。Oh，howgreatwastheuncle’sgriefwhenhelearnedthetruth，andhowbitterwasthesorrowoftheloverswhenwewereforcedtopart！WithwhatshamewasI
overwhelmed，withwhatcontritionsmittenbecauseoftheblowwhichhadfallenonherIloved，andwhatatempestofmiseryburstoverherbyreasonofmydisgrace！Eachgrievedmost，notforhimself，butfortheother。
Eachsoughttoallay，nothisownsufferings，butthoseoftheoneheloved。
Theverysunderingofourbodiesservedbuttolinkoursoulsclosertogether;
theplentitudeofthelovewhichwasdeniedtousinflamedusmorethanever。Oncethefirstwildnessofshamehadpassed，itleftusmoreshamelessthanbefore，andasshamediedwithinusthecauseofitseemedtousevermoredesirable。Andsoitchancedwithusas，inthestoriesthatthepoetstell，itoncehappenedwithMarsandVenuswhentheywerecaughttogether。
ItwasnotlongafterthisthatHeloisefoundthatshewaspregnant，andofthisshewrotetomeintheutmostexultation，atthesametimeaskingmetoconsiderwhathadbestbedone。Accordingly，onanightwhenherunclewasabsent，wecarriedouttheplanwehaddeterminedon，andIstolehersecretlyawayfromheruncle’shouse，sendingherwithoutdelaytomyowncountry。Sheremainedtherewithmysisteruntilshegavebirthtoason，whomshenamedAstrolabe。Meanwhileheruncleafterhisreturn，wasalmostmadwithgrief;onlyonewhohadthenseenhimcouldrightlyguesstheburningagonyofhissorrowandthebitternessofhisshame。
Whatstepstotakeagainstme，orwhatsnarestosetforme，hedidnotknow。Ifheshouldkillmeordomesomebodilyhurt，hefearedgreatlylesthisdear—lovednieceshouldbemadetosufferforitamongmykinsfolk。
Hehadnopowertoseizemeandimprisonmesomewhereagainstmywill，thoughImakenodoubthewouldhavedonesoquicklyenoughhadhebeenableordared，forIhadtakenmeasurestoguardagainstanysuchattempt。
Atlength，however，inpityforhisboundlessgrief，andbitterlyblamingmyselfforthesufferingwhichmylovehadbroughtuponhimthroughthebasenessofthedeceptionIhadpracticed，Iwenttohimtoentreathisforgiveness，promisingtomakeanyamendsthathehimselfmightdecree。
Ipointedoutthatwhathadhappenedcouldnotseemincredibletoanyonewhohadeverfeltthepoweroflove，orwhorememberedhow，fromtheverybeginningofthehumanrace，womenhadcastdowneventhenoblestmentoutterruin。Andinordertomakeamendsevenbeyondhisextremesthope，IofferedtomarryherwhomIhadseduced，providedonlythethingcouldbekeptsecret，sothatImightsuffernolossofreputationthereby。Tothishegladlyassented，pledginghisownfaithandthatofhiskindred，andsealingwithkissesthepactwhichIhadsoughtofhim——andallthisthathemightthemoreeasilybetrayme。CHAPTERVIIOFTHEARGUMENTSOFHELOISEAGAINSTWEDLOCKOFHOWNONETHELESSHEMADEHERHISWIFE
FORTHWITHIrepairedtomyowncountry，andbroughtbackthencemymistress，thatImightmakehermywife。She，however，mostviolentlydisapprovedofthis，andfortwochiefreasons:thedangerthereof，andthedisgracewhichitwouldbringuponme。Shesworethatherunclewouldneverbeappeasedbysuchsatisfactionasthis，as，indeed，afterwardsprovedonlytootrue。
Sheaskedhowshecouldevergloryinmeifsheshouldmakemethusinglorious，andshouldshameherselfalongwithme。Whatpenalties，shesaid，wouldtheworldrightlydemandofherifsheshouldrobitofsoshiningalight！
WhatcurseswouldfollowsuchalosstotheChurch，whattearsamongthephilosopherswouldresultfromsuchamarriage！Howunfitting，howlamentableitwouldbeforme，whomnaturehadmadeforthewholeworld，todevotemyselftoonewomansolely，andtosubjectmyselftosuchhumiliation！
Shevehementlyrejectedthismarriage，whichshefeltwouldbeineverywayignominiousandburdensometome。
Besidesdwellingthusonthedisgracetome，sheremindedmeofthehardshipsofmarriedlife，totheavoidanceofwhichtheApostleexhortsus，saying:"Artthouloosedfromawife？seeknotawife。Butandmarry，thouhastnotsinned;andifavirginmarryshehathnotsinned。Neverthelesssuchshallhavetroubleintheflesh:butIspareyou"（ICor。vii。27）。
Andagain:"ButIwouldhaveyoutobefreefromcares"（ICor。vii。32）。
ButifIwouldheedneitherthecounseloftheApostlenortheexhortationsofthesaintsregardingthisheavyyokeofmatrimony，shebademeatleastconsidertheadviceofthephilosophers，andweighcarefullywhathadbeenwrittenonthissubjecteitherbythemorconcerningtheirlives。Eventhesaintsthemselveshaveoftenandearnestlyspokenonthissubjectforthepurposeofwarningus。ThusSt。Jerome，inhisfirstbookagainstJovinianus，makesTheophrastussetforthingreatdetailtheintolerableannoyancesandtheendlessdisturbancesofmarriedlife，demonstratingwiththemostconvincingargumentsthatnowisemanshouldeverhaveawife，andconcludinghisreasonsforthisphilosophicexhortationwiththesewords:"WhoamongChristianswouldnotbeoverwhelmedbysuchargumentsastheseadvancedbyTheophrastus？"
Again，inthesamework，St。JerometellshowCicero，askedbyHirciusafterhisdivorceofTerentiawhetherhewouldmarrythesisterofHircius，repliedthathewoulddonosuchthing，sayingthathecouldnotdevotehimselftoawifeandtophilosophyatthesametime。Cicerodoesnot，indeed，preciselyspeakof"devotinghimself，"buthedoesaddthathedidnotwishtoundertakeanythingwhichmightrivalhisstudyofphilosophyinitsdemandsuponhim。
Then，turningfromtheconsiderationofsuchhindrancestothestudyofphilosophy，Heloisebademeobservewhatweretheconditionsofhonourablewedlock。Whatpossibleconcordcouldtherebebetweenscholarsanddomestics，betweenauthorsandcradles，betweenbooksortabletsanddistaffs，betweenthestylusorthepenandthespindle？Whatman，intentonhisreligiousorphilosophicalmeditations，canpossiblyendurethewhiningofchildren，thelullabiesofthenurseseekingtoquietthem，orthenoisyconfusionoffamilylife？Whocanendurethecontinualuntidinessofchildren？Therich，youmayreply，candothis，becausetheyhavepalacesorhousescontainingmanyrooms，andbecausetheirwealthtakesnothoughtofexpenseandprotectsthemfromdailyworries。Buttothistheansweristhattheconditionofphilosophersisbynomeansthatofthewealthy，norcanthosewhosemindsareoccupiedwithrichesandworldlycaresfindtimeforreligiousorphilosophicalstudy。Forthisreasontherenownedphilosophersofoldutterlydespisedtheworld，fleeingfromitsperilsratherthanreluctantlygivingthemup，anddeniedthemselvesallitsdelightsinorderthattheymightreposeintheembracesofphilosophyalone。Oneofthem，andthegreatestofall，Seneca，inhisadvicetoLucilius，saysphilosophyisnotathingtobestudiedonlyinhoursofleisure;wemustgiveupeverythingelsetodevoteourselvestoit，fornoamountoftimeisreallysufficienthereto"（Epist。
73）
Itmatterslittle，shepointedout，whetheroneabandonsthestudyofphilosophycompletelyormerelyinterruptsit，foritcanneverremainatthepointwhereitwasthusinterrupted。Allotheroccupationsmustberesisted;itisvaintoseektoadjustlifetoincludethem，andtheymustsimplybeeliminated。Thisviewismaintained，forexample，intheloveofGodbythoseamonguswhoaretrulycalledmonastics，andintheloveofwisdombyallthosewhohavestoodoutamongmenassincerephilosophers。
Forineveryrace，gentilesorJewsorChristians，therehavealwaysbeenafewwhoexcelledtheirfellowsinfaithorinthepurityoftheirlives，andwhoweresetapartfromthemultitudebytheircontinenceorbytheirabstinencefromworldlypleasures。
AmongtheJewsofoldthereweretheNazarites，whoconsecratedthemselvestotheLord，someofthemthesonsoftheprophetEliasandothersthefollowersofEliseus，themonksofwhom，ontheauthorityofSt。Jerome（Epist。4and13），wereadintheOldTestament。MorerecentlytherewerethethreephilosophicalsectswhichJosephusdefinesinhisBookofAntiquities（xviii。2），callingthemthePharisees，theSadduceesandtheEssenes。
Inourtimes，furthermore，therearethemonkswhoimitateeitherthecommunallifeoftheApostlesortheearlierandsolitarylifeofJohn。Amongthegentilesthereare，ashasbeensaid，thephilosophers。Didtheynotapplythenameofwisdomorphilosophyasmuchtothereligionoflifeastothepursuitoflearning，aswefindfromtheoriginoftheworditself，andlikewisefromthetestimonyofthesaints？
ThereisapassageonthissubjectintheeighthbookofSt。Augustine’s"CityofGod，"whereinhedistinguishesbetweenthevariousschoolsofphilosophy。"TheItalianschool，"hesays，"hadasitsfounderPythagorasofSamos，who，itissaid，originatedtheveryword’philosophy’。Beforehistimethosewhowereregardedasconspicuousforthepraiseworthinessoftheirliveswerecalledwisemen，buthe，onbeingaskedofhisprofession，repliedthathewasaphilosopher，thatistosayastudentoraloverofwisdombecauseitseemedtohimundulyboastfultocallhimselfawiseman。"Inthispassage，therefore，whenthephrase"conspicuousforthepraiseworthinessoftheirlives"isused，itisevidentthatthewise，inotherwordsthephilosophers，weresocalledlessbecauseoftheireruditionthanbyreasonoftheirvirtuouslives。Inwhatsobrietyandcontinencethesemenliveditisnotformetoprovebyillustration，lestIshouldseemtoinstructMinervaherself。
Now，sheadded，iflaymenandgentiles，boundbynoprofessionofreligion，livedafterthisfashion，whatoughtyou，aclericandacanon，todoinordernottopreferbasevoluptuousnesstoyoursacredduties，topreventthisCharybdisfromsuckingyoudownheadlong，andtosaveyourselffrombeingplungedshamelesslyandirrevocablyintosuchfilthasthis？Ifyoucarenothingforyourprivilegesasacleric，atleastupholdyourdignityasaphilosopher。IfyouscornthereverenceduetoGod，letregardforyourreputationtemperyourshamelessness。RememberthatSocrateswaschainedtoawife，andbywhatafilthyaccidenthehimselfpaidforthisblotonphilosophy，inorderthatothersthereaftermightbemademorecautiousbyhisexample。Jeromethusmentionsthisaffair，writingaboutSocratesinhisfirstbookagainstJovinianus:"OncewhenhewaswithstandingastormofreproacheswhichXantippewashurlingathimfromanupperstory，hewassuddenlydrenchedwithfoulslops;wipinghishead，hesaidonly，’Iknewtherewouldbeashowerafterallthatthunder。’"
HerfinalargumentwasthatitwouldbedangerousformetotakeherbacktoParis，andthatitwouldbefarsweeterforhertobecalledmymistressthantobeknownasmywife;nay，too，thatthiswouldbemorehonourableformeaswell。Insuchcase，shesaid，lovealonewouldholdmetoher，andthestrengthofthemarriagechainwouldnotconstrainus。
Evenifweshouldbychancebepartedfromtimetotime，thejoyofourmeetingswouldbeallthesweeterbyreasonofitsrarity。Butwhenshefoundthatshecouldnotconvincemeordissuademefrommyfollybytheseandlikearguments，andbecauseshecouldnotbeartooffendme，withgrievoussighsandtearsshemadeanendofherresistance，saying:"Thenthereisnomoreleftbutthis，thatinourdoomthesorrowyettocomeshallbenolessthanthelovewetwohavealreadyknown。"Norinthis，asnowthewholeworldknows，didshelackthespiritofprophecy。