sometimestheyboredmefearfully。Butyouweresuchaverycuriouscaseof——whatshallIcallit?——ofsincerity,thatIdeterminedtotakegoodandbadtogether。Iwantedtomakeyoucommityourselfunmistakably。Ishouldhavepreferrednottobringyoutothisplace;butthattoowasnecessary。OfcourseIcan’tmarryyou;I
candobetter。Socanyou,forthatmatter;thankyourfateforit。
Youhavethoughtwondersofmeforamonth,butyourgood—humourwouldn’tlast。Iamtoooldandtoowise;youaretooyoungandtoofoolish。ItseemstomethatIhavebeenverygoodtoyou;Ihaveentertainedyoutothetopofyourbent,and,exceptperhapsthatI
amalittlebrusquejustnow,youhavenothingtocomplainof。I
wouldhaveletyoudownmoregentlyifIcouldhavetakenanothermonthtoit;butcircumstanceshaveforcedmyhand。Abuseme,curseme,ifyoulike。Iwillmakeeveryallowance!"Pickeringlistenedtoallthisintentlyenoughtoperceivethat,asifbysomesuddennaturalcataclysm,thegroundhadbrokenawayathisfeet,andthathemustrecoil。Heturnedawayindumbamazement。"Idon’tknowhowIseemedtobetakingit,"hesaid,"butsheseemedreallytodesire—
—Idon’tknowwhy——somethinginthewayofreproachandvituperation。
ButIcouldn’t,inthatway,haveutteredasyllable。Iwassickened;Iwantedtogetawayintotheair——toshakeheroffandcometomysenses。’Haveyounothing,nothing,nothingtosay?’shecried,asifsheweredisappointed,whileIstoodwithmyhandonthedoor。’Haven’tItreatedyoutotalkenough?’IbelievedIanswered。
’Youwillwritetomethen,whenyougethome?’’Ithinknot,’saidI。’Sixmonthshence,Ifancy,youwillcomeandseeme!’’Never!’
saidI。’That’saconfessionofstupidity,’sheanswered。’Itmeansthat,evenonreflection,youwillneverunderstandthephilosophyofmyconduct。’Theword’philosophy’seemedsostrangethatIverilybelieveIsmiled。’Ihavegivenyouallthatyougaveme,’shewenton。’Yourpassionwasanaffairofthehead。’’Ionlywishyouhadtoldmesoonerthatyouconsidereditso!’Iexclaimed。AndIwentmyway。ThenextdayIcamedowntheRhine。Isatalldayontheboat,notknowingwhereIwasgoing,wheretogetoff。Iwasinakindofagueofterror;itseemedtomeIhadseensomethinginfernal。AtlastIsawthecathedraltowershereloomingoverthecity。Theyseemedtosaysomethingtome,andwhentheboatstopped,Icameashore。Ihavebeenhereaweek。Ihavenotsleptatnight——
andyetithasbeenaweekofrest!"
Itseemedtomethathewasinafairwaytorecover,andthathisownphilosophy,iflefttotakeitstime,wasadequatetotheoccasion。AfterhisstorywasoncetoldIreferredtohisgrievancebutonce——thatevening,later,aswewereabouttoseparateforthenight。"SuffermetosaythattherewassometruthinHERaccountofyourrelations,"Isaid。"Youwereusingherintellectually,andallthewhile,withoutyourknowingit,shewasusingyou。Itwasdiamondcutdiamond。Herneedswerethemoresuperficial,andshegottiredofthegamefirst。"Hefrownedandturneduneasilyaway,butwithoutcontradictingme。Iwaitedafewmoments,toseeifhewouldremember,beforeweparted,thathehadaclaimtomakeuponme。Butheseemedtohaveforgottenit。
Thenextdaywestrolledaboutthepicturesqueoldcity,andofcourse,beforelong,wentintothecathedral。Pickeringsaidlittle;
heseemedintentuponhisownthoughts。Hesatdownbesideapillarnearachapel,infrontofagorgeouswindow,and,leavinghimtohismeditations,Iwanderedthroughthechurch。WhenIcamebackIsawhehadsomethingtosay。ButbeforehehadspokenIlaidmyhandonhisshoulderandlookedathimwithasignificantsmile。Heslowlybenthisheadanddroppedhiseyes,withamixtureofassentandhumility。Idrewforthfromwhereithadlainuntouchedforamonththeletterhehadgivenmetokeep,placeditsilentlyonhisknee,andlefthimtodealwithitalone。
HalfanhourlaterIreturnedtothesameplace,buthehadgone,andoneofthesacristans,hoveringaboutandseeingmelookingforPickering,saidhethoughthehadleftthechurch。Ifoundhiminhisgloomychamberattheinn,pacingslowlyupanddown。IshoulddoubtlesshavebeenatalosstosayjustwhateffectIexpectedtheletterfromSmyrnatoproduce;buthisactualaspectsurprisedme。
Hewasflushed,excited,atrifleirritated。
"Evidently,"Isaid,"youhavereadyourletter。"
"ItisproperIshouldtellyouwhatisinit,"heanswered。"WhenI
gaveittoyouamonthago,Ididmyfriendsinjustice。"
"Youcalledita’summons,’Iremember。"
"Iwasagreatfool!It’sarelease!"
"Fromyourengagement?"
"Fromeverything!Theletter,ofcourse,isfromMr。Vernor。Hedesirestoletmeknowattheearliestmomentthathisdaughter,informedforthefirsttimeaweekbeforeofwhathadbeenexpectedofher,positivelyrefusestobeboundbythecontractortoassenttomybeingbound。Shehadbeengivenaweektoreflect,andhadspentitininconsolabletears。Shehadresistedeveryformofpersuasion!fromcompulsion,writesMr。Vernor,henaturallyshrinks。
Theyoungladyconsidersthearrangement’horrible。’Afteracceptingherdutiescutanddriedallherlife,shepretendsatlasttohaveatasteofherown。IconfessIamsurprised;Ihadbeengiventobelievethatshewasstupidlysubmissive,andwouldremainsototheendofthechapter。Notabitofit。Shehasinsistedonmybeingformallydismissed,andherfatherintimatesthatincaseofnon—
complianceshethreatenshimwithanattackofbrainfever。Mr。
Vernorcondoleswithmehandsomely,andletsmeknowthattheyounglady’sattitudehasbeenagreatshocktohisnerves。HeaddsthathewillnotaggravatesuchregretasImaydohimthehonourtoentertain,byanyallusionstohisdaughter’scharmsandtothemagnitudeofmyloss,andheconcludeswiththehopethat,forthecomfortofallconcerned,Imayalreadyhaveamusedmyfancywithother’views。’Heremindsmeinapostscriptthat,inspiteofthispainfuloccurrence,thesonofhismostvaluedfriendwillalwaysbeawelcomevisitorathishouse。Iamfree,heobserves;Ihavemylifebeforeme;herecommendsanextensivecourseoftravel。ShouldmywanderingsleadmetotheEast,hehopesthatnofalseembarrassmentwilldetermefrompresentingmyselfatSmyrna。Hecanpromisemeatleastafriendlyreception。It’saverypoliteletter。"
Politeastheletterwas,Pickeringseemedtofindnogreatexhilarationinhavingthisfamousburdensohandsomelyliftedfromhisspirit。Hebegantobroodoverhisliberationinamannerwhichyoumighthavedeemedpropertoarenewedsenseofbondage。"Badnews,"hehadcalledhisletteroriginally;andyet,nowthatitscontentsprovedtobeinflatcontradictiontohisforeboding,therewasnoimpulsivevoicetoreversetheformulaanddeclarethenewswasgood。Thewingsofimpulseinthepoorfellowhadoflatebeenterriblyclipped。Itwasanobviousreflection,ofcourse,thatifhehadnotbeensostifflycertainofthematteramonthbefore,andhadgonethroughtheformofbreakingMr。Vernor’sseal,hemighthaveescapedthepurgatoryofMadameBlumenthal’ssub—acidblandishments。ButIlefthimtomoraliseinprivate;Ihadnodesire,asthephraseis,torubitin。Mythoughts,moreover,werefollowinganothertrain;Iwassayingtomyselfthatiftothosegentlegracesofwhichheryoungvisagehadofferedtomyfancythebloomingpromise,MissVernoraddedinthisstrikingmeasurethecapacityformagnanimousaction,theamendmenttomyfriend’scareerhadbeenlesshappythantheroughdraught。Presently,turningabout,Isawhimlookingattheyounglady’sphotograph。"Ofcourse,now,"hesaid,"Ihavenorighttokeepit!"AndbeforeIcouldaskforanotherglimpseofit,hehadthrustitintothefire。
"Iamsorrytobesayingitjustnow,"Iobservedafterawhile,"butIshouldn’twonderifMissVernorwereacharmingcreature。"
"Goandfindout,"heanswered,gloomily。"Thecoastisclear。Mypartistoforgether,"hepresentlyadded。"Itoughtnottobehard。Butdon’tyouthink,"hewentonsuddenly,"thatforapoorfellowwhoaskednothingoffortunebutleavetositdowninaquietcorner,ithasbeenratheracruelpushingabout?"
Cruelindeed,Ideclared,andhecertainlyhadtherighttodemandacleanpageonthebookoffateandafreshstart。Mr。Vernor’sadvicewassound;heshouldamusehimselfwithalongjourney。Ifitwouldbeanycomforttohim,Iwouldgowithhimonhisway。
Pickeringassentedwithoutenthusiasm;hehadtheembarrassedlookofamanwho,havinggonetosomecosttomakeagoodappearanceinadrawing—room,shouldfindthedoorsuddenlyslammedinhisface。Westartedonourjourney,however,andlittlebylittlehisenthusiasmreturned。Hewastoocapableofenjoyingfinethingstoremainpermanentlyirresponsive,andafterafortnightspentamongpicturesandmonumentsandantiquities,IfeltthatIwasseeinghimforthefirsttimeinhisbestandhealthiestmood。Hehadhadafever,andthenhehadhadachill;thependulumhadswungrightandleftinamannerrathertryingtothemachine;butnow,atlast,itwasworkingbacktoaneven,naturalbeat。HerecoveredinameasurethegenerouseloquencewithwhichhehadfannedhisflameatHomburg,andtalkedaboutthingswithsomethingofthesamepassionatefreshness。
OnedaywhenIwaslaidupattheinnatBrugeswithalamefoot,hecamehomeandtreatedmetoarhapsodyaboutacertainmeek—facedvirginofHansMemling,whichseemedtomesoundersensethanhiscomplimentstoMadameBlumenthal。Hehadhisdulldaysandhissombremoods——hoursofirresistibleretrospect;butIletthemcomeandgowithoutremonstrance,becauseIfanciedtheyalwayslefthimatriflemorealertandresolute。Oneevening,however,hesathanginghisheadinsodolefulafashionthatItookthebullbythehornsandtoldhimhehadbythistimesurelypaidhisdebttopenitence,andthatheowedittohimselftobanishthatwomanforeverfromhisthoughts。
Helookedup,staring;andthenwithadeepblush——"Thatwoman?"hesaid。"IwasnotthinkingofMadameBlumenthal!"
AfterthisIgaveanotherconstructiontohismelancholy。Takinghimwithhishopesandfears,attheendofsixweeksofactiveobservationandkeensensation,Pickeringwasasfineafellowasneedbe。WemadeourwaydowntoItalyandspentafortnightatVenice。TheresomethinghappenedwhichIhadbeenconfidentlyexpecting;Ihadsaidtomyselfthatitwasmerelyaquestionoftime。WehadpassedthedayatTorcello,andcamefloatingbackintheglowofthesunset,withmeasuredoar—strokes。"Iamwellontheway,"Pickeringsaid;"IthinkIwillgo!"
Wehadnotspokenforanhour,andInaturallyaskedhim,Where?HisanswerwasdelayedbyourgettingintothePiazzetta。Isteppedashorefirstandthenturnedtohelphim。Ashetookmyhandhemetmyeyes,consciously,anditcame。"ToSmyrna!"
Acoupleofdayslaterhestarted。IhadriskedtheconjecturethatMissVernorwasacharmingcreature,andsixmonthsafterwardshewrotemethatIwasright。
第6章