CHAPTERI。
ItwasatHomburg,severalyearsago,beforethegaminghadbeensuppressed。Theeveningwasverywarm,andalltheworldwasgatheredontheterraceoftheKursaalandtheesplanadebelowittolistentotheexcellentorchestra;orhalftheworld,rather,forthecrowdwasequallydenseinthegaming—roomsaroundthetables。
Everywherethecrowdwasgreat。Thenightwasperfect,theseasonwasatitsheight,theopenwindowsoftheKursaalsentlongshaftsofunnaturallightintotheduskywoods,andnowandthen,intheintervalsofthemusic,onemightalmostheartheclinkofthenapoleonsandthemetalliccallofthecroupiersriseabovethewatchingsilenceofthesaloons。Ihadbeenstrollingwithafriend,andweatlastpreparedtositdown。Chairs,however,werescarce。
Ihadcapturedone,butitseemednoeasymattertofindamateforit。Iwasonthepointofgivingupindespair,andproposinganadjournmenttothesilkenottomansoftheKursaal,whenIobservedayoungmanloungingbackononeoftheobjectsofmyquest,withhisfeetsupportedontheroundsofanother。Thiswasmorethanhisshareofluxury,andIpromptlyapproachedhim。Heevidentlybelongedtotheracewhichhasthecreditofknowingbest,athomeandabroad,howtomakeitselfcomfortable;butsomethinginhisappearancesuggestedthathispresentattitudewastheresultofinadvertenceratherthanofegotism。Hewasstaringattheconductoroftheorchestraandlisteningintentlytothemusic。Hishandswerelockedroundhislonglegs,andhismouthwashalfopen,withratherafoolishair。"Therearesofewchairs,"Isaid,"thatImustbegyoutosurrenderthissecondone。"Hestarted,stared,blushed,pushedthechairawaywithawkwardalacrity,andmurmuredsomethingaboutnothavingnoticedthathehadit。
"Whatanodd—lookingyouth!"saidmycompanion,whohadwatchedme,asIseatedmyselfbesideher。
"Yes,heisodd—looking;butwhatisodderstillisthatIhaveseenhimbefore,thathisfaceisfamiliartome,andyetthatIcan’tplacehim。"TheorchestrawasplayingthePrayerfromDerFreischutz,butWeber’slovelymusiconlydeepenedtheblankofmemory。Whothedeucewashe?where,when,how,hadIknownhim?Itseemedextraordinarythatafaceshouldbeatoncesofamiliarandsostrange。Wehadourbacksturnedtohim,sothatIcouldnotlookathimagain。Whenthemusicceasedweleftourplaces,andIwenttoconsignmyfriendtohermammaontheterrace。Inpassing,Isawthatmyyoungmanhaddeparted;IconcludedthatheonlystrikinglyresembledsomeoneIknew。Butwhointheworldwasitheresembled?
Theladieswentofftotheirlodgings,whichwerenearby,andI
turnedintothegaming—roomsandhoveredaboutthecircleatroulette。GraduallyIfilteredthroughtotheinneredge,nearthetable,and,lookinground,sawmypuzzlingfriendstationedoppositetome。Hewaswatchingthegame,withhishandsinhispockets;butsingularlyenough,nowthatIobservedhimatmyleisure,thelookoffamiliarityquitefadedfromhisface。Whathadmadeuscallhisappearanceoddwashisgreatlengthandleannessoflimb,hislong,whiteneck,hisblue,prominenteyes,andhisingenuous,unconsciousabsorptioninthescenebeforehim。Hewasnothandsome,certainly,buthelookedpeculiarlyamiableandifhisovertwondermentsavouredatrifleofrurality,itwasanagreeablecontrasttothehard,inexpressivemasksabouthim。Hewastheverdantoffshoot,Isaidtomyself,ofsomeancient,rigidstem;hehadbeenbroughtupinthequietestofhomes,andhewashavinghisfirstglimpseoflife。I
wascurioustoseewhetherhewouldputanythingonthetable;heevidentlyfeltthetemptation,butheseemedparalysedbychronicembarrassment。Hestoodgazingatthechinkingcomplexityoflossesandgains,shakinghisloosegoldinhispocket,andeverynowandthenpassinghishandnervouslyoverhiseyes。
Mostofthespectatorsweretooattentivetotheplaytohavemanythoughtsforeachother;butbeforelongInoticedaladywhoevidentlyhadaneyeforherneighboursaswellasforthetable。
Shewasseatedabouthalf—waybetweenmyfriendandme,andI
presentlyobservedthatshewastryingtocatchhiseye。ThoughatHomburg,aspeoplesaid,"onecouldneverbesure,"Iyetdoubtedwhetherthisladywereoneofthosewhoseespecialvocationitwastocatchagentleman’seye。Shewasyouthfulratherthanelderly,andprettyratherthanplain;indeed,afewminuteslater,whenIsawhersmile,Ithoughtherwonderfullypretty。Shehadacharminggrayeyeandagooddealofyellowhairdisposedinpicturesquedisorder;andthoughherfeaturesweremeagreandhercomplexionfaded,shegaveoneasenseofsentimental,artificialgracefulness。Shewasdressedinwhitemuslinverymuchpuffedandfilled,butatrifletheworseforwear,relievedhereandtherebyapaleblueribbon。Iusedtoflattermyselfonguessingatpeople’snationalitybytheirfaces,and,asarule,Iguessedaright。Thisfaded,crumpled,vaporousbeauty,Iconceived,wasaGerman——suchaGerman,somehow,asIhadseenimaginedinliterature。Wasshenotafriendofpoets,acorrespondentofphilosophers,amuse,apriestessofaesthetics——
somethinginthewayofaBettina,aRahel?Myconjectures,however,werespeedilymergedinwondermentastowhatmydiffidentfriendwasmakingofher。Shecaughthiseyeatlast,andraisinganunglovedhand,coveredaltogetherwithblue—gemmedrings——turquoises,sapphires,andlapis——shebeckonedhimtocometoher。Thegesturewasexecutedwithasortofpractisedcoolness,andaccompaniedwithanappealingsmile。Hestaredamoment,ratherblankly,unabletosupposethattheinvitationwasaddressedtohim;then,asitwasimmediatelyrepeatedwithagooddealofintensity,heblushedtotherootsofhishair,waveredawkwardly,andatlastmadehiswaytothelady’schair。Bythetimehereachedithewascrimson,andwipinghisforeheadwithhispocket—handkerchief。Shetiltedback,lookedupathimwiththesamesmile,laidtwofingersonhissleeve,andsaidsomething,interrogatively,towhichherepliedbyashakeofthehead。Shewasaskinghim,evidently,ifhehadeverplayed,andhewassayingno。Oldplayershaveafancythatwhenluckhasturnedherbackonthemtheycanputherintogood—humouragainbyhavingtheirstakesplacedbyanovice。Ouryoungman’sphysiognomyhadseemedtohisnewacquaintancetoexpresstheperfectionofinexperience,and,likeapracticalwoman,shehaddeterminedtomakehimserveherturn。Unlikemostofherneighbours,shehadnolittlepileofgoldbeforeher,butshedrewfromherpocketadoublenapoleon,putitintohishand,andbadehimplaceitonanumberofhisownchoosing。Hewasevidentlyfilledwithasortofdelightfultrouble;heenjoyedtheadventure,butheshrankfromthehazard。I
wouldhavestakedthecoinonitsbeinghiscompanion’slast;foralthoughshestillsmiledintentlyasshewatchedhishesitation,therewasanythingbutindifferenceinherpale,prettyface。
Suddenly,indesperation,hereachedoverandlaidthepieceonthetable。Myattentionwasdivertedatthismomentbymyhavingtomakewayforaladywithagreatmanyflounces,beforeme,togiveupherchairtoarustlingfriendtowhomshehadpromisedit;whenIagainlookedacrossattheladyinwhitemuslin,shewasdrawinginaverygoodlypileofgoldwithherlittleblue—gemmedclaw。Goodluckandbad,attheHomburgtables,wereequallyundemonstrative,andthishappyadventuressrewardedheryoungfriendforthesacrificeofhisinnocencewithasingle,rapid,upwardsmile。Hehadinnocenceenoughleft,however,tolookroundthetablewithagleeful,consciouslaugh,inthemidstofwhichhiseyesencounteredmyown。
Thensuddenlythefamiliarlookwhichhadvanishedfromhisfaceflickeredupunmistakably;itwastheboyishlaughofaboyhood’sfriend。StupidfellowthatIwas,IhadbeenlookingatEugenePickering!
ThoughIlingeredonforsometimelongerhefailedtorecogniseme。
Recognition,Ithink,hadkindledasmileinmyownface;but,lessfortunatethanhe,Isupposemysmilehadceasedtobeboyish。Nowthatluckhadfacedaboutagain,hiscompanionplayedforherself——
playedandwon,handoverhand。Atlastsheseemeddisposedtorestonhergains,andproceededtoburytheminthefoldsofhermuslin。
Pickeringhadstakednothingforhimself,butashesawherpreparetowithdrawheofferedheradoublenapoleonandbeggedhertoplaceit。Sheshookherheadwithgreatdecision,andseemedtobidhimputitupagain;buthe,stillblushingagooddeal,pressedherwithawkwardardour,andsheatlasttookitfromhim,lookedathimamomentfixedly,andlaiditonanumber。Amomentlaterthecroupierwasrakingitin。Shegavetheyoungmanalittlenodwhichseemedtosay,"Itoldyouso;"heglancedroundthetableagainandlaughed;sheleftherchair,andhemadeawayforherthroughthecrowd。BeforegoinghomeItookaturnontheterraceandlookeddownontheesplanade。Thelampswereout,butthewarmstarlightvaguelyilluminedadozenfiguresscatteredincouples。Oneofthesefigures,Ithought,wasaladyinawhitedress。
IhadnointentionoflettingPickeringgowithoutremindinghimofouroldacquaintance。Hehadbeenaverysingularboy,andIwascurioustoseewhathadbecomeofhissingularity。Ilookedforhimthenextmorningattwoorthreeofthehotels,andatlastI
discoveredhiswhereabouts。Buthewasout,thewaitersaid;hehadgonetowalkanhourbefore。Iwentmyway,confidentthatIshouldmeethimintheevening。ItwastherulewiththeHomburgworldtospenditseveningsattheKursaal,andPickering,apparently,hadalreadydiscoveredagoodreasonfornotbeinganexception。OneofthecharmsofHomburgisthefactthatofahotdayyoumaywalkaboutforawholeafternooninunbrokenshade。TheumbrageousgardensoftheKursaalminglewiththecharmingHardtwald,whichinturnmeltsawayintothewoodedslopesoftheTaunusMountains。TotheHardtwaldIbentmysteps,andstrolledforanhourthroughmossygladesandthestill,perpendiculargloomofthefir—woods。
Suddenly,onthegrassymarginofaby—path,Icameuponayoungmanstretchedathislengthinthesun—checkeredshade,andkickinghisheelstowardsapatchofbluesky。Mystepwassonoiselessontheturfthat,beforehesawme,IhadtimetorecognisePickeringagain。
Helookedasifhehadbeenloungingthereforsometime;hishairwastossedaboutasifhehadbeensleeping;onthegrassnearhim,besidehishatandstick,layasealedletter。Whenheperceivedmehejerkedhimselfforward,andIstoodlookingathimwithoutintroducingmyself——purposely,togivehimachancetorecogniseme。
Heputonhisglasses,beingawkwardlynear—sighted,andstaredupatmewithanairofgeneraltrustfulness,butwithoutasignofknowingme。SoatlastIintroducedmyself。Thenhejumpedupandgraspedmyhands,andstaredandblushedandlaughed,andbeganadozenrandomquestions,endingwithademandastohowintheworldIhadknownhim。
"Why,youarenotchangedsoutterly,"Isaid;"andafterall,it’sbutfifteenyearssinceyouusedtodomyLatinexercisesforme。"
"Notchanged,eh?"heanswered,stillsmiling,andyetspeakingwithasortofingenuousdismay。
ThenIrememberedthatpoorPickeringhadbeen,inthoseLatindays,avictimofjuvenileirony。Heusedtobringabottleofmedicinetoschoolandtakeadoseinaglassofwaterbeforelunch;andeverydayattwoo’clock,halfanhourbeforetherestofuswereliberated,anoldnursewithbushyeyebrowscameandfetchedhimawayinacarriage。Hisextremelyfaircomplexion,hisnurse,andhisbottleofmedicine,whichsuggestedavagueanalogywiththesleeping—potioninthetragedy,causedhimtobecalledJuliet。
CertainlyRomeo’ssweethearthardlysufferedmore;shewasnot,atleast,astandingjokeinVerona。Rememberingthesethings,I
hastenedtosaytoPickeringthatIhopedhewasstillthesamegoodfellowwhousedtodomyLatinforme。"Wewerecapitalfriends,youknow,"Iwenton,"thenandafterwards。"
"Yes,wewereverygoodfriends,"hesaid,"andthatmakesitthestrangerIshouldn’thaveknownyou。Foryouknow,asaboy,Ineverhadmanyfriends,norasamaneither。Yousee,"headded,passinghishandoverhiseyes,"Iamratherdazed,ratherbewilderedatfindingmyselfforthefirsttime——alone。"Andhejerkedbackhisshouldersnervously,andthrewuphishead,asiftosettlehimselfinanunwontedposition。Iwonderedwhethertheoldnursewiththebushyeyebrowshadremainedattachedtohispersonuptoarecentperiod,anddiscoveredpresentlythat,virtuallyatleast,shehad。
Wehadthewholesummerdaybeforeus,andwesatdownonthegrasstogetherandoverhauledouroldmemories。Itwasasifwehadstumbleduponanancientcupboardinsomeduskycorner,andrummagedoutaheapofchildishplaythings——tinsoldiersandtornstory—books,jack—knivesandChinesepuzzles。Thisiswhatwerememberedbetweenus。
Hehadmadebutashortstayatschool——notbecausehewastormented,forhethoughtitsofinetobeatschoolatallthatheheldhistongueathomeaboutthesufferingsincurredthroughthemedicine—
bottle,butbecausehisfatherthoughthewaslearningbadmanners。
Thisheimpartedtomeinconfidenceatthetime,andIrememberhowitincreasedmyoppressiveaweofMr。Pickering,whohadappearedtomeinglimpsesasasortofhighpriestoftheproprieties。Mr。
Pickeringwasawidower——afactwhichseemedtoproduceinhimasortofpreternaturalconcentrationofparentaldignity。Hewasamajesticman,withahookednose,akeendarkeye,verylargewhiskers,andnotionsofhisownastohowaboy——orhisboy,atanyrate——shouldbebroughtup。Firstandforemost,hewastobea"gentleman";whichseemedtomean,chiefly,thathewasalwaystowearamufflerandgloves,andbesenttobed,afterasupperofbreadandmilk,ateighto’clock。School—life,onexperiment,seemedhostiletotheseobservances,andEugenewastakenhomeagain,tobemouldedintourbanitybeneaththeparentaleye。Atutorwasprovidedforhim,andasingleselectcompanionwasprescribed。Thechoice,mysteriously,fellonme,bornasIwasunderquiteanotherstar;myparentswereappealedto,andIwasallowedforafewmonthstohavemylessonswithEugene。Thetutor,Ithink,musthavebeenratherasnob,forEugenewastreatedlikeaprince,whileIgotallthequestionsandtherapswiththeruler。AndyetIrememberneverbeingjealousofmyhappiercomrade,andstrikingup,forthetime,oneofthosefriendshipsofchildhood。Hehadawatchandaponyandagreatstoreofpicture—books,butmyenvyoftheseluxurieswastemperedbyavaguecompassionwhichleftmefreetobegenerous。I
couldgoouttoplayalone,Icouldbuttonmyjacketmyself,andsituptillIwassleepy。PoorPickeringcouldnevertakeastepwithoutaskingleave,orspendhalfanhourinthegardenwithoutaformalreportofitwhenhecamein。Myparents,whohadnodesiretoseemeinoculatedwithimportunatevirtues,sentmebacktoschoolattheendofsixmonths。AfterthatIneversawEugene。Hisfatherwenttoliveinthecountry,toprotectthelad’smorals,andEugenefaded,inreminiscence,intoapaleimageofthedepressingeffectsofeducation。IthinkIvaguelysupposedthathewouldmeltintothinair,andindeedbegangraduallytodoubtofhisexistence,andtoregardhimasoneofthefoolishthingsoneceasedtobelieveinasonegrewolder。ItseemednaturalthatIshouldhavenomorenewsofhim。Ourpresentmeetingwasmyfirstassurancethathehadreallysurvivedallthatmufflingandcoddling。
Iobservedhimnowwithagooddealofinterest,forhewasararephenomenon——thefruitofasystempersistentlyanduninterruptedlyapplied。Hestruckme,inafashion,ascertainyoungmonksIhadseeninItaly;hehadthesamecandid,unsophisticatedcloisterface。
Hiseducationhadbeenreallyalmostmonastic。Ithadfoundhimevidentlyaverycompliant,yieldingsubject;hisgentleaffectionatespiritwasnotoneofthosethatneedtobebroken。Ithadbequeathedhim,nowthathestoodonthethresholdofthegreatworld,anextraordinaryfreshnessofimpressionandalertnessofdesire,andIconfessthat,asIlookedathimandmethistransparentblueeye,Itrembledfortheunwarnedinnocenceofsuchasoul。Ibecameaware,gradually,thattheworldhadalreadywroughtacertainworkuponhimandrousedhimtoarestless,troubledself—
consciousness。Everythingabouthimpointedtoanexperiencefromwhichhehadbeendebarred;hiswholeorganismtrembledwithadawningsenseofunsuspectedpossibilitiesoffeeling。Thisappealingtremorwasindeedoutwardlyvisible。Hekeptshiftinghimselfaboutonthegrass,thrustinghishandsthroughhishair,wipingalightperspirationfromhisforehead,breakingouttosaysomethingandrushingofftosomethingelse。Oursuddenmeetinghadgreatlyexcitedhim,andIsawthatIwaslikelytoprofitbyacertainoverflowofsentimentalfermentation。Icoulddosowithagoodconscience,forallthistrepidationfilledmewithagreatfriendliness。
"It’snearlyfifteenyears,asyousay,"hebegan,"sinceyouusedtocallme’butter—fingers’foralwaysmissingtheball。That’salongtimetogiveanaccountof,andyettheyhavebeen,forme,sucheventless,monotonousyears,thatIcouldalmosttelltheirhistoryintenwords。You,Isuppose,havehadallkindsofadventuresandtravelledoverhalftheworld。Irememberyouhadaturnfordeedsofdaring;IusedtothinkyoualittleCaptainCookinroundabouts,forclimbingthegardenfencetogettheballwhenIhadletitflyover。Iclimbednofencesthenorsince。Youremembermyfather,I
suppose,andthegreatcarehetookofme?Ilosthimsomefivemonthsago。Fromthoseboyishdaysuptohisdeathwewerealwaystogether。Idon’tthinkthatinfifteenyearswespenthalfadozenhoursapart。Welivedinthecountry,winterandsummer,seeingbutthreeorfourpeople。Ihadasuccessionoftutors,andalibrarytobrowseaboutin;IassureyouIamatremendousscholar。Itwasadulllifeforagrowingboy,andadullerlifeforayoungmangrown,butIneverknewit。Iwasperfectlyhappy。"Hespokeofhisfatheratsomelength,andwitharespectwhichIprivatelydeclinedtoemulate。Mr。Pickeringhadbeen,tomysense,afrigidegotist,unabletoconceiveofanylargervocationforhissonthantostrivetoreproducesoirreproachableamodel。"IknowIhavebeenstrangelybroughtup,"saidmyfriend,"andthattheresultissomethinggrotesque;butmyeducation,piecebypiece,indetail,becameoneofmyfather’spersonalhabits,asitwere。Hetookafancytoitatfirstthroughhisintenseaffectionformymotherandthesortofworshiphepaidhermemory。Shediedatmybirth,andasIgrewup,itseemsthatIboreanextraordinarylikenesstoher。
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