talk，buteventunedupyourmartialvoicesandtriedtosing!——"Rock-a-
bybabyinthetreetop，"forinstance。WhataspectacleforanArmyoftheTennessee!Andwhatanafflictionfortheneighbors，too；foritisnoteverybodywithinamilearoundthatlikesmilitarymusicatthreeinthemorning:Andwhenyouhadbeenkeepingthissortofthinguptwoorthreehours，andyourlittlevelvet-headintimatedthatnothingsuitedhimlikeexerciseandnoise，whatdidyoudo？["Goon!"]Yousimplywentonuntilyoudroppedinthelastditch。Theideathatababydoesn'tamounttoanything!Why，onebabyisjustahouseandafrontyardfullbyitself。OnebabycanfurnishmorebusinessthanyouandyourwholeInteriorDepartmentcanattendto。Heisenterprising，irrepressible，brimfuloflawlessactivities。Dowhatyouplease，youcan'tmakehimstayonthereservation。Sufficientuntothedayisonebaby。Aslongasyouareinyourrightminddon'tyoueverprayfortwins。Twinsamounttoapermanentriot。Andthereain'tanyrealdifferencebetweentripletsandaninsurrection。
Yes，itwashightimeforatoast-mastertorecognizetheimportanceofthebabies。Thinkwhatisinstoreforthepresentcrop!Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallallbedead，Itrust，andthenthisflag，ifitstillsurviveandletushopeitmay，willbefloatingoveraRepublicnumbering200，000，000souls，accordingtothesettledlawsofourincrease。OurpresentschoonerofStatewillhavegrownintoapoliticalleviathan——aGreatEastern。Thecradledbabiesofto-daywillbeondeck。Letthembewelltrained，forwearegoingtoleaveabigcontractontheirhands。Amongthethreeorfourmillioncradlesnowrockinginthelandaresomewhichthisnationwouldpreserveforagesassacredthings，ifwecouldknowwhichonestheyare。InoneofthemcradlestheunconsciousFarragutofthefutureisatthismomentteething——thinkofit!——andputtinginaworldofdeadearnest，unarticulated，butperfectlyjustifiableprofanityoverit，too。InanotherthefuturerenownedastronomerisblinkingattheshiningMilkyWaywithbutalanguidinterest——poorlittlechap!——andwonderingwhathasbecomeofthatotheronetheycallthewet-nurse。Inanotherthefuturegreathistorianislying——anddoubtlesswillcontinuetolieuntilhisearthlymissionisended。InanotherthefuturePresidentisbusyinghimselfwithnoprofounderproblemofstatethanwhatthemischiefhasbecomeofhishairsoearly；andinamightyarrayofothercradlestherearenowsome60，000futureoffice-seekers，gettingreadytofurnishhimoccasiontograpplewiththatsameoldproblemasecondtime。Andinstillonemorecradle，somewhereundertheflag，thefutureillustriouscommander-in-
chiefoftheAmericanarmiesissolittleburdenedwithhisapproachinggrandeursandresponsibilitiesastobegivinghiswholestrategicmindatthismomenttotryingtofindoutsomewaytogethisbigtoeintohismouth——anachievementwhich，meaningnodisrespect，theillustriousguestofthiseveningturnedhisentireattentiontosomefifty-sixyearsago；
andifthechildisbutaprophecyoftheman，therearemightyfewwhowilldoubtthathesucceeded。
SPEECHONTHEWEATHER
ATTHENEWENGLANDSOCIETY'SSEVENTY-FIRSTANNUALDINNER，NEWYORKCITY
Thenexttoastwas:"TheOldestInhabitant——TheWeatherofNewEngland。"
Whocanloseitandforgetit？
Whocanhaveitandregretit？
Beinterposes'twixtusTwain。
MerchantofVenice。
TothisSamuelL。ClemensMarkTwainrepliedasfollows:——
IreverentlybelievethattheMakerwhomadeusallmakeseverythinginNewEnglandbuttheweather。Idon'tknowwhomakesthat，butIthinkitmustberawapprenticesintheweather-clerk'sfactorywhoexperimentandlearnhow，inNewEngland，forboardandclothes，andthenarepromotedtomakeweatherforcountriesthatrequireagoodarticle，andwilltaketheircustomelsewhereiftheydon'tgetit。ThereisasumptuousvarietyabouttheNewEnglandweatherthatcompelsthestranger'sadmiration——andregret。Theweatherisalwaysdoingsomethingthere；
alwaysattendingstrictlytobusiness；alwaysgettingupnewdesignsandtryingthemonthepeopletoseehowtheywillgo。Butitgetsthroughmorebusinessinspringthaninanyotherseason。InthespringIhavecountedonehundredandthirty-sixdifferentkindsofweatherinsideoffour-and-twentyhours。ItwasIthatmadethefameandfortuneofthatmanthathadthatmarvelouscollectionofweatheronexhibitionattheCentennial，thatsoastoundedtheforeigners。Hewasgoingtotravelallovertheworldandgetspecimensfromalltheclimes。Isaid，"Don'tyoudoit；youcometoNewEnglandonafavorablespringday。"Itoldhimwhatwecoulddointhewayofstyle，variety，andquantity。Well，hecameandhemadehiscollectioninfourdays。Astovariety，why，heconfessedthathegothundredsofkindsofweatherthathehadneverheardofbefore。Andastoquantity——well，afterhehadpickedoutanddiscardedallthatwasblemishedinanyway，henotonlyhadweatherenough，butweathertospare；weathertohireout；weathertosell；todeposit；weathertoinvest；weathertogivetothepoor。ThepeopleofNewEnglandarebynaturepatientandforbearing，buttherearesomethingswhichtheywillnotstand。Everyyeartheykillalotofpoetsforwritingabout"BeautifulSpring。"Thesearegenerallycasualvisitors，whobringtheirnotionsofspringfromsomewhereelse，andcannot，ofcourse，knowhowthenativesfeelaboutspring。Andsothefirstthingtheyknowtheopportunitytoinquirehowtheyfeelhaspermanentlygoneby。OldProbabilitieshasamightyreputationforaccurateprophecy，andthoroughlywelldeservesit。Youtakeupthepaperandobservehowcrisplyandconfidentlyhechecksoffwhatto-day'sweatherisgoingtobeonthePacific，downSouth，intheMiddleStates，intheWisconsinregion。SeehimsailalonginthejoyandprideofhispowertillhegetstoNewEngland，andthensee-histaildrop。Hedoesn'tknowwhattheweatherisgoingtobeinNewEngland。Well，hemullsoverit，andbyandbyhegetsoutsomethingaboutlikethis:
Probablenortheasttosouthwestminds，varyingtothesouthwardandwestwardandeastward，andpointsbetween，highandlowbarometerswappingaroundfromplacetoplace；probableareasofrain，snow，hail，anddrought，succeededorprecededbyearthquakes，withthunderandlightning。Thenhejotsdownthispostscriptfromhiswanderingmind，tocoveraccidents:"Butitispossiblethattheprogrammaybewhollychangedinthemeantime。"Yes，oneofthebrightestgemsintheNewEnglandweatheristhedazzlinguncertaintyofit。Thereisonlyonethingcertainaboutit:youarecertainthereisgoingtobeplentyofit——aperfectgrandreview；butyounevercantellwhichendoftheprocessionisgoingtomovefirst。Youfixupforthedrought；youleaveyourumbrellainthehouseandsallyout，andtwotooneyougetdrowned。
Youmakeupyourmindthattheearthquakeisdue；youstandfromunder，andtakeholdofsomethingtosteadyyourself，andthefirstthingyouknowyougetstruckbylightning。Thesearegreatdisappointments；buttheycan'tbehelped。Thelightningthereispeculiar；itissoconvincing，thatwhenitstrikesathingitdoesn'tleaveenoughofthatthingbehindforyoutotellwhether——Well，you'dthinkitwassomethingvaluable，andaCongressmanhadbeenthere。Andthethunder。Whenthethunderbeginstomerelytuneupandscrapeandsaw，andkeyuptheinstrumentsfortheperformance，strangerssay，"Why，whatawfulthunderyouhavehere!"Butwhenthebatonisraisedandtherealconcertbegins，you'llfindthatstrangerdowninthecellarwithhisheadintheash-barrel。NowastothesizeoftheweatherinNewEnglandlengthways，Imean。Itisutterlydisproportionedtothesizeofthatlittlecountry。Halfthetime，whenitispackedasfullasitcanstick，youwillseethatNewEnglandweatherstickingoutbeyondtheedgesandprojectingaroundhundredsandhundredsofmilesovertheneighboringstates。Shecan'tholdatenthpartofherweather。Youcanseecracksallaboutwhereshehasstrainedherselftryingtodoit。IcouldspeakvolumesabouttheinhumanperversityoftheNewEnglandweather，butI
willgivebutasinglespecimen。Iliketohearrainonatinroof。
SoIcoveredpartofmyroofwithtin，withaneyetothatluxury。Well，sir，doyouthinkiteverrainsonthattin？No，sir；skipsiteverytime。Mind，inthisspeechIhavebeentryingmerelytodohonortotheNewEnglandweather——nolanguagecoulddoitjustice。But，afterall，thereisatleastoneortwothingsaboutthatweatheror，ifyouplease，effectsproduced，byitwhichweresidentswouldnotliketopartwith。Ifwehadn'tourbewitchingautumnfoliage，weshouldstillhavetocredittheweatherwithonefeaturewhichcompensatesforallitsbullyingvagariestheice-storm:whenaleaflesstreeisclothedwithicefromthebottomtothetop——icethatisasbrightandclearascrystal；
wheneveryboughandtwigisstrungwithice-beads，frozendewdrops，andthewholetreesparklescoldandwhite，liketheShahofPersia'sdiamondplume。Thenthewindwavesthebranchesandthesuncomesoutandturnsallthosemyriadsofbeadsanddropstoprismsthatglowandburnandflashwithallmannerofcoloredfires，whichchangeandchangeagainwithinconceivablerapidityfrombluetored，fromredtogreen，andgreentogold——thetreebecomesasprayingfountain，averyexplosionofdazzlingjewels；anditstandstheretheacme，theclimax，thesupremestpossibilityinartornature，ofbewildering，intoxicating，intolerablemagnificence。Onecannotmakethewordstoostrong。
CONCERNINGTHEAMERICANLANGUAGE
TherewasasEnglishmaninourcompartment，andhecomplimentedmeon——
onwhat？Butyouwouldneverguess。HecomplimentedmeonmyEnglish。
HesaidAmericansingeneraldidnotspeaktheEnglishlanguageascorrectlyasIdid。IsaidIwasobligedtohimforhiscompliment，sinceIknewhemeantitforone，butthatIwasnotfairlyentitledtoit，forIdidnotspeakEnglishatall——IonlyspokeAmerican。
Helaughed，andsaiditwasadistinctionwithoutadifference。Isaidno，thedifferencewasnotprodigious，butstillitwasconsiderable。
Wefellintoafriendlydisputeoverthematter。IputmycaseaswellasIcould，andsaid:
"Thelanguageswereidenticalseveralgenerationsago，butourchangedconditionsandthespreadofourpeoplefartothesouthandfartothewesthavemademanyalterationsinourpronunciation，andhaveintroducednewwordsamongusandchangedthemeaningsofmanyoldones。Englishpeopletalkthroughtheirnoses；wedonot。Wesayknow，Englishpeoplesaynao；wesaycow，theBritonsayskaow；we——"
"Oh，come!thatispureYankee；everybodyknowsthat。"
"Yes，itispureYankee；thatistrue。OnecannothearitinAmericaoutsideofthelittlecornercalledNewEngland，whichisYankeeland。
TheEnglishthemselvesplanteditthere，twohundredandfiftyyearsago，andthereitremains；ithasneverspread。ButEnglandtalksthroughhernoseyet；theLondonerandthebackwoodsNew-Englanderpronounce'know'
and'cow'alike，andthentheBritonunconsciouslysatirizeshimselfbymakingfunoftheYankee'spronunciation。"
Wearguedthispointatsomelength；nobodywon；butnomatter，thefactremainsEnglishmensaynaoandkaowfor"know"and"cow，"andthatiswhattherusticinhabitantofaverysmallsectionofAmericadoes。
"Youconferredyour'a'uponNewEngland，too，andthereitremains；ithasnottraveledoutofthenarrowlimitsofthosesixlittlestatesinallthesetwohundredandfiftyyears。AllEnglandusesit，NewEngland'ssmallpopulation-sayfourmillions-useit，butwehaveforty-
fivemillionswhodonotuseit。Yousay'glahsofwawtah，'sodoesNewEngland；atleast，NewEnglandsays'glahs。'Americaatlargeflattensthe'a'，andsays'glassofwater。'Thesesoundsarepleasanterthanyours；youmaythinktheyarenotright——well，inEnglishtheyarenotright，but'American'theyare。Yousay'flahsk'and'bahsket，'and'jackahss'；wesay'flask，''basket，''jackass'——soundingthe'a'asitisin'tallow，''fallow，'andsoon。'Uptoaslateas1847Mr。
Webster'sDictionaryhadtheimpudencetostillpronounce'basket'
bahsket，whenheknewthatoutsideofhislittleNewEnglandallAmericashortenedthe'a'andpaidnoattentiontohisEnglishbroadeningofit。
However，itcalleditselfanEnglishDictionary，soitwasproperenoughthatitshouldsticktoEnglishforms，perhaps。ItstillcallsitselfanEnglishDictionarytoday，butithasquietlyceasedtopronounce'basket'
asifitwerespelt'bahsket。'IntheAmericanlanguagethe'h'isrespected；the'h'isnotdroppedoraddedimproperly。"
"ThesameisthecaseinEngland——Imeanamongtheeducatedclasses，ofcourse。"
"Yes，thatistrue；butanation'slanguageisaverylargematter。
Itisnotsimplyamannerofspeechobtainingamongtheeducatedhandful；
themannerobtainingamongthevastuneducatedmultitudemustbeconsideredalso。YouruneducatedmassesspeakEnglish，youwillnotdenythat；ouruneducatedmassesspeakAmericanitwon'tbefairforyoutodenythat，foryoucansee，yourself，thatwhenyourstable-boysays，'Itisn'tthe'untingthat'urtsthe'orse，butthe'ammer，'ammer，'ammeronthe'ard'ighway，'andourstable-boymakesthesameremarkwithoutsuffocatingasingleh，thesetwopeoplearemanifestlytalkingtwodifferentlanguages。Butifthesignsaretohetrusted，evenyoureducatedclassesusedtodropthe'h。'Theysayhumble，now，andheroic，andhistoricetc。，butIjudgethattheyusedtodropthoseh'sbecauseyourwritersstillkeepupthefashionofpattinganbeforethosewordsinsteadofa。ThisiswhatMr。Darwinmightcalla'rudimentary'signthatasanwasjustifiableonce，andusefulwhenyoureducatedclassesused，tosay'umble，and'eroic，and'istorical。CorrectwritersoftheAmericanlanguagedonotputanbeforethreewords。"
TheEnglishgentlemanhadsomethingtosayuponthismatter，butnevermindwhathesaid——I'mnotarguinghiscase。Ihavehimatadisadvantage，now。Iproceeded:
"InEnglandyouencourageanoratorbyexclaiming，'H'yaah!h'yaah!'
Wepronounceitheerinsomesections，'h'yer'inothers，andsoon；butourwhitesdonotsay'h'yaah，'pronouncingthea'sliketheainah。
IhaveheardEnglishladiessay'don'tyou'——makingtwoseparateanddistinctwordsofit；yourMr。Burnandhassatirizedit。Butwealwayssay'dontchu。'Thisismuchbetter。Yourladiessay，'Oh，it'sofulnice!'Ourssay，'Oh，it'sawfulnice!'Wesay，'Fourhundred，'yousay'For'——asinthewordor。Yourclergymenspeakof'theLawd，'oursof'theLord'；yoursspeakof'thegawdsoftheheathen，'oursof'thegodsoftheheathen。'Whenyouareexhausted，yousayyouare'knockedup。'
Wedon't。Whenyousayyouwilldoathing'directly，'youmean'immediately'；intheAmericanlanguage——generallyspeaking——thewordsignifies'afteralittle。'Whenyousay'clever，'youmean'capable'；
withusthewordusedtomean'accommodating，'butIdon'tknowwhatitmeansnow。Yourword'stout'means'fleshy'；ourword'stout'usuallymeans'strong。'Yourwords'gentleman'and'lady'haveaveryrestrictedmeaning；withustheyincludethebarmaid，butcher，burglar，harlot，andhorse-thief。Yousay，'Ihaven'tgotanystockingson，''Ihaven'tgotanymemory，''Ihaven'tgotanymoneyinmypurse；weusuallysay，'I
haven'tanystockingson，''Ihaven'tanymemory，!''Ihaven'tanymoneyinmypurse。'Yousay'outofwindow'；wealwaysputinathe。Ifoneasks'Howoldisthatman？'theBritonanswers，'Hewillbeaboutforty'；
intheAmericanlanguageweshouldsay，'Heisaboutforty。'However，Iwon'ttireyou，sir；butifIwantedto，IcouldpileupdifferenceshereuntilInotonlyconvincedyouthatEnglishandAmericanareseparatelanguages，butthatwhenIspeakmynativetongueinitsutmostpurityanEnglishmancan'tunderstandmeatall。"
"Idon'twishtoflatteryou，butitisaboutallIcandotounderstandyounow。"
Thatwasaveryprettycompliment，anditputusonthepleasantesttermsdirectly——IusethewordintheEnglishsense。
[Later——1882。Esthetesinmanyofourschoolsarenowbeginningtoteachthepupilstobroadenthe'a，'andtosay"don'tyou，"intheelegantforeignway。]
ROGERS
ThisManRogershappeneduponmeandintroducedhimselfatthetownof——，intheSouthofEngland，whereIstayedawhile。Hisstepfatherhadmarriedadistantrelativeofminewhowasafterwardhanged；andsoheseemedtothinkabloodrelationshipexistedbetweenus。Hecameineverydayandsatdownandtalked。Ofallthebland，serenehumancuriositiesIeversaw，Ithinkhewasthechiefest。Hedesiredtolookatmynewchimney-pothat。Iwasverywilling，forIthoughthewouldnoticethenameofthegreatOxfordStreethatterinit，andrespectmeaccordingly。Butheturneditaboutwithasortofgravecompassion，pointedouttwoorthreeblemishes，andsaidthatI，beingsorecentlyarrived，couldnotbeexpectedtoknowwheretosupplymyself。Saidhewouldsendmetheaddressofhishatter。Thenhesaid，"Pardonme，"andproceededtocutaneatcircleofredtissuepaper；daintilynotchedtheedgesofit；tookthemucilageandpasteditinmyhatsoastocoverthemanufacturer'sname。Hesaid，"Noonewillknownowwhereyougotit。
Iwillsendyouahat-tipofmyhatter，andyoucanpasteitoverthistissuecircle。"Itwasthecalmest，coolestthing——Ineveradmiredamansomuchinmylife。Mind，hedidthiswhilehisownhatsatoffensivelynearournoses，onthetable——anancientextinguisherofthe"slouch"
pattern，limpandshapelesswithage，discoloredbyvicissitudesoftheweather，andbandedbyanequatorofbear'sgreasethathadstewedthrough。
Anothertimeheexaminedmycoat。Ihadnoterrors，forovermytailor'sdoorwasthelegend，"BySpecialAppointmentTailortoH。R。H。thePrinceofWales，"etc。Ididnotknowatthetimethatthemostofthetailorshopshadthesamesignout，andthatwhereasittakesninetailorstomakeanordinaryman，ittakesahundredandfiftytomakeaprince。Hewasfullofcompassionformycoat。Wrotedowntheaddressofhistailorforme。Didnottellmetomentionmynomdeplumeandthetailorwouldputhisbestworkonmygarment，ascomplimentarypeoplesometimesdo，butsaidhistailorwouldhardlytroublehimselfforanunknownpersonunknownperson，whenIthoughtIwassocelebratedinEngland!——thatwasthecruelestcut，butcautionedmetomentionhisname，anditwouldbeallright。Thinkingtobefacetious，Isaid:
"Buthemightsitupallnightandinjurehishealth。"
"Well，lethim，"saidRogers；"I'vedoneenoughforhim，forhimtoshowsomeappreciationofit。"
Imightaswellhavetriedtodisconcertamummywithmyfacetiousness。
SaidRogers:"Igetallmycoatsthere——they'retheonlycoatsfittobeseenin。"
Imadeonemoreattempt。Isaid，"Iwishyouhadbroughtonewithyou——
Iwouldliketolookatit。"
"Blessyourheart，haven'tIgotoneon？——thisarticleisMorgan'smake。"
Iexaminedit。Thecoathadbeenboughtready-made，ofaChathamStreetJew，withoutanyquestion——about1848。Itprobablycostfourdollarswhenitwasnew。Itwasripped，itwasfrayed，itwasnaplessandgreasy。Icouldnotresistshowinghimwhereitwasripped。ItsoaffectedhimthatIwasalmostsorryIhaddoneit。Firstheseemedplungedintoabottomlessabyssofgrief。Thenherousedhimself，madeafeintwithhishandsasifwavingoffthepityofanation，andsaid——
withwhatseemedtomeamanufacturedemotion——"Nomatter；nomatter；
don'tmindme；donotbotheraboutit。Icangetanother。"
Whenhewasthoroughlyrestored，sothathecouldexaminetheripandcommandhisfeelings，hesaid，ah，nowheunderstoodit——hisservantmusthavedoneitwhiledressinghimthatmorning。
Hisservant!Therewassomethingawe-inspiringineffronterylikethis。
Nearlyeverydayheinterestedhimselfinsomearticleofmyclothing。
Onewouldhardlyhaveexpectedthissortofinfatuationinamanwhoalwaysworethesamesuit，anditasuitthatseemedcoevalwiththeConquest。
Itwasanunworthyambition，perhaps，butIdidwishIcouldmakethismanadmiresomethingaboutmeorsomethingIdid——youwouldhavefeltthesameway。Isawmyopportunity:IwasabouttoreturntoLondon，andhad"listed"mysoiledlinenforthe，wash。Itmadequiteauimposingmountaininthecorneroftheroom——fifty-fourpieces。Ihopedhewouldfancyitwastheaccumulationofasingleweek。Itookupthewash-list，asiftoseethatitwasallright，andthentosseditonthetable，withpretendedforgetfulness。Sureenough，hetookit。upandranhiseyealongdowntothegrandtotal。Thenhesaid，"Yougetoffeasy，"andlaiditdownagain。
Hisgloveswerethesaddestruin，buthetoldmewhereIcouldgetsomelikethem。Hisshoeswouldhardlyholdwalnutswithoutleaking，buthelikedtoputhisfeetuponthemantelpieceandcontemplatethem。
Heworeadimglassbreastpin，whichhecalleda"morphyliticdiamond"——
whateverthatmaymean——andsaidonlytwoofthemhadeverbeenfound——theEmperorofChinahadtheotherone。
Afterward，inLondon，itwasapleasuretometoseethisfantasticvagabondcomemarchingintothelobbyofthehotelinhisgrand-ducalway，forhealwayshadsomenewimaginarygrandeurtodevelop——therewasnothingstaleabouthimbuthisclothes。Ifheaddressedmewhenstrangerswereabout，healwaysraisedhisvoicealittleandcalledme"SirRichard，"or"General，"or"YourLordship"——andwhenpeoplebegantostareandlookdeferential，hewouldfalltoinquiringinacasualwaywhyIdisappointedtheDukeofArgyllthenightbefore；andthenremindmeofourengagementattheDukeofWestminster'sforthefollowingday。
Ithinkthatforthetimebeingthesethingswererealitiestohim。HeoncecameandinvitedmetogowithhimandspendtheeveningwiththeEarlofWarwickathistownhouse。IsaidIhadreceivednoformalinvitation。Hesaidthatthatwasofnoconsequence，theEarlhadnoformalitiesforhimorhisfriends。IaskedifIcouldgojustasIwas。
Hesaidno，thatwouldhardlydo；eveningdresswasrequisiteatnightinanygentleman'shouse。HesaidhewouldwaitwhileIdressed，andthenwewouldgotohisapartmentsandIcouldtakeabottleofchampagneandacigarwhilehedressed。Iwasverywillingtoseehowthisenterprisewouldturnout，soIdressed，andwestartedtohislodgings。HesaidifIdidn'tmindwewouldwalk。Sowetrampedsomefourmilesthroughthemudandfog，andfinallyfoundhis"apartments"；theyconsistedofasingleroomoverabarber'sshopinabackstreet。Twochairs，asmalltable，anancientvalise，awash-basinandpitcherbothonthefloorinacorner，anunmadebed，afragmentofalooking-glass，andaflower-
pot，withaperishinglittlerosegeraniuminit，whichhecalledacenturyplant，andsaidithadnotbloomednowforupwardoftwocenturies——giventohimbythelateLordPalmerstonbeenofferedaprodigioussumforit——thesewerethecontentsoftheroom。Alsoabrasscandlestickandapartofacandle。Rogerslitthecandle，andtoldmetositdownandmakemyselfathome。HesaidhehopedIwasthirsty，becausehewouldsurprisemypalatewithanarticleofchampagnethatseldomgotintoacommoner'ssystem；orwouldIprefersherry，orport？Saidhehadportinbottlesthatwereswathedinstratifiedcobwebs，everystratumrepresentingageneration。Andasforhiscigars——
well，Ishouldjudgeofthemmyself。Thenheputhisheadoutatthedoorandcalled:
"Sackville!"Noanswer。
"Hi-Sackville!"Noanswer。
"Nowwhatthedevilcanhavebecomeofthatbutler？Ineverallowaservantto——Oh，confoundthatidiot，he'sgotthekeys。Can'tgetintotheotherroomswithoutthekeys。"
Iwasjustwonderingathisintrepidityinstillkeepingupthedelusionofthechampagne，andtryingtoimaginehowhewasgoingtogetoutofthedifficulty。
NowhestoppedcallingSackvilleandbegantocall"Anglesy。"ButAnglesydidn'tcome。Hesaid，"Thisisthesecondtimethatthatequerryhasbeenabsentwithoutleave。To-morrowI'lldischargehim。"Nowhebegantowhoopfor"Thomas，"butThomasdidn'tanswer。Thenfor"Theodore，"butnoTheodorereplied。
"Well，Igiveitup，"saidRogers。"Theservantsneverexpectmeatthishour，andsothey'realloffonalark。Mightgetalongwithouttheequerryandthepage，butcan'thaveanywineorcigarswithoutthebutler，andcan'tdresswithoutmyvalet。"
Iofferedtohelphimdress，buthewouldnothearofit；andbesides，hesaidhewouldnotfeelcomfortableunlessdressedbyapractisedhand。
However，hefinallyconcludedthathewassucholdfriendswiththeEarlthatitwouldnotmakeanydifferencehowhewasdressed。Sowetookacab，hegavethedriversomedirections，andwestarted。Byandbywestoppedbeforealargehouseandgotout。Ineverhadseenthismanwithacollaron。Henowsteppedunderalampandgotavenerablepapercollaroutofhiscoatpocket，alongwithahoarycravat，andputthemon。Heascendedthestoop，andentered。Presentlyhereappeared，descendedrapidly，andsaid:
"Come-quick!"
Wehurriedaway，andturnedthecorner。
"Nowwe'resafe，"hesaid，andtookoffhiscollarandcravatandreturnedthemtohispocket。
"Madeamightynarrowescape，"saidhe。
"How？"saidI。
"B'George，theCountesswasthere!"
"Well，whatofthat？——don'tsheknowyou？"
"Knowme？Absolutelyworshipsme。Ijustdidhappentocatchaglimpseofherbeforeshesawme——andoutIshot。Haven'tseenherfortwomonths——torushinonherwithoutanywarningmighthavebeenfatal。
Shecouldnothavestoodit。Ididn'tknowshewasintown——thoughtshewasatthecastle。Letmeleanonyou——justamoment——there；nowIambetter——thankyou；thankyoueversomuch。Lordblessme，whatanescape!"
SoInevergottocallontheEarl，afterall。ButImarkedthehouseforfuturereference。Itprovedtobeanordinaryfamilyhotel，withaboutathousandplebeiansroostinginit。
InmostthingsRogerswasbynomeansafool。Insomethingsitwasplainenoughthathewasafool，buthecertainlydidnotknowit。
Hewasinthe"deadest"earnestinthesematters。Hediedatsea，lastsummer，asthe"EarlofRamsgate。"