首页 >出版文学> A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN>第14章
  Eyes,openingfromthedarknessofdesire,eyesthatdimmedthebreakingeast。Whatwastheirlanguidgracebutthesoftnessofchambering?AndwhatwastheirshimmerbuttheshimmerofthescumthatmantledthecesspoolofthecourtofaslobberingStuart。Andhetastedinthelanguageofmemoryamberedwines,dyingfallingsofsweetairs,theproudpavan,andsawwiththeeyesofmemorykindgentlewomeninCoventGardenwooingfromtheirbalconieswithsuckingmouthsandthepox-fouledwenchesofthetavernsandyoungwivesthat,gailyyieldingtotheirravishers,clippedandclippedagain。
  Theimageshehadsummonedgavehimnopleasure。Theyweresecretandinflamingbutherimagewasnotentangledbythem。Thatwasnotthewaytothinkofher。Itwasnoteventhewayinwhichhethoughtofher。Couldhismindthennottrustitself?Oldphrases,sweetonlywithadisinterredsweetnesslikethefigseedsCranlyrootedoutofhisgleamingteeth。
  Itwasnotthoughtnorvisionthoughheknewvaguelythatherfigurewaspassinghomewardthroughthecity。Vaguelyfirstandthenmoresharplyhesmeltherbody。Aconsciousunrestseethedinhisblood。Yes,itwasherbodyhesmelt,awildandlanguidsmell,thetepidlimbsoverwhichhismusichadfloweddesirouslyandthesecretsoftlinenuponwhichherfleshdistilledodourandadew。
  Alousecrawledoverthenapeofhisneckand,puttinghisthumbandforefingerdeftlybeneathhisloosecollar,hecaughtit。Herolleditsbody,tenderyetbrittleasagrainofrice,betweenthumbandfingerforaninstantbeforeheletitfallfromhimandwonderedwoulditliveordie。TherecametohismindacuriousphrasefromCorneliusà;LapidewhichsaidthatthelicebornofhumansweatwerenotcreatedbyGodwiththeotheranimalsonthesixthday。Buttheticklingoftheskinofhisneckmadehismindrawandred。Thelifeofhisbody,illclad,illfed,louse-eaten,madehimclosehiseyelidsinasuddenspasmofdespairandinthedarknesshesawthebrittlebrightbodiesoflicefallingfromtheairandturningoftenastheyfell。Yes,anditwasnotdarknessthatfellfromtheair。Itwasbrightness。Brightnessfallsfromtheair。HehadnotevenrememberedrightlyNash'sline。Alltheimagesithadawakenedwerefalse。Hismindbredvermin。Histhoughtswerelicebornofthesweatofsloth。
  Hecamebackquicklyalongthecolonnadetowardsthegroupofstudents。
  Wellthen,lethergoandbedamnedtoher!Shecouldlovesomecleanathletewhowashedhimselfeverymorningtothewaistandhadblackhaironhischest。Lether。
  Cranlyhadtakenanotherdriedfigfromthesupplyinhispocketandwaseatingitslowlyandnoisily。Templesatonthepedimentofapillar,leaningback,hiscappulleddownonhissleepyeyes。Asquatyoungmancameoutoftheporch,aleatherportfoliotuckedunderhisarmpit。Hemarchedtowardsthegroup,strikingtheflagswiththeheelsofhisbootsandwiththeferruleofhisheavyumbrella。Then,raisingtheumbrellainsalute,hesaidtoall:——
  Goodevening,sirs。
  Hestrucktheflagsagainandtitteredwhilehisheadtrembledwithaslightnervousmovement。ThetallconsumptivestudentandDixonandO'KeeffewerespeakinginIrishanddidnotanswerhim。Then,turningtoCranly,hesaid:——
  Goodevening,particularlytoyou。
  Hemovedtheumbrellainindicationandtitteredagain。Cranly,whowasstillchewingthefig,answeredwithloudmovementsofhisjaws——
  Good?Yes。Itisagoodevening。
  Thesquatstudentlookedathimseriouslyandshookhisumbrellagentlyandreprovingly——
  Icansee,hesaid,thatyouareabouttomakeobviousremarks——
  Um,Cranlyanswered,holdingoutwhatremainedofthehalfchewedfigandjerkingittowardsthesquatstudent'smouthinsignthatheshouldeat。
  Thesquatstudentdidnoteatitbut,indulginghisspecialhumour,saidgravely,stilltitteringandproddinghisphrasewithhisumbrella:——
  Doyouintendthat?
  Hebrokeoff,pointedbluntlytothemunchedpulpofthefig,andsaidloudly:——
  Ialludetothat。
  Um,Cranlysaidasbefore——
  Doyouintendthatnow,thesquatstudentsaid,asipsofactoor,letussay,assotospeak?
  Dixonturnedasidefromhisgroup,saying:——
  Gogginswaswaitingforyou,Glynn。HehasgoneroundtotheAdelphitolookforyouandMoynihan。Whathaveyouthere?heasked,tappingtheportfoliounderGlynn'sarm——
  Examinationpapers,Glynnanswered。Igivethemmonthlyexaminationstoseethattheyareprofitingbymytuition。
  Healsotappedtheportfolioandcoughedgentlyandsmiled——
  Tuition!saidCranlyrudely。Isupposeyoumeanthebarefootedchildrenthataretaughtbyabloodyapelikeyou。Godhelpthem!
  Hebitofftherestofthefigandflungawaythebutt——
  Isufferlittlechildrentocomeuntome,Glynnsaidamiably——
  Abloodyape,Cranlyrepeatedwithemphasis,andablasphemousbloodyape!
  Templestoodupand,pushingpastCranly,addressedGlynn:——
  Thatphraseyousaidnow,hesaid,isfromthenewtestamentaboutsufferthechildrentocometome——
  Gotosleepagain,Temple,saidO'Keeffe——
  Verywell,then,Templecontinued,stilladdressingGlynn,andifJesussufferedthechildrentocomewhydoesthechurchsendthemalltohelliftheydieunbaptized?Whyisthat?——
  Wereyoubaptizedyourself,Temple?theconsumptivestudentasked——
  ButwhyaretheysenttohellifJesussaidtheywerealltocome?
  Templesaid,hiseyessearchingGlynn'seyes。
  Glynncoughedandsaidgently,holdingbackwithdifficultythenervoustitterinhisvoiceandmovinghisumbrellaateveryword:——
  And,asyouremark,ifitisthus,Iaskemphaticallywhencecomesthisthusness——
  Becausethechurchiscruellikealloldsinners,Templesaid——
  Areyouquiteorthodoxonthatpoint,Temple?Dixonsaidsuavely——
  SaintAugustinesaysthataboutunbaptizedchildrengoingtohell,Templeanswered,becausehewasacrueloldsinnertoo——
  Ibowtoyou,Dixonsaid,butIhadtheimpressionthatlimboexistedforsuchcases——
  Don'targuewithhim,Dixon,Cranlysaidbrutally。Don'ttalktohimorlookathim。Leadhimhomewithasuganthewayyou'dleadableatinggoat——
  Limbo!Templecried。That'safineinventiontoo。Likehell——
  Butwiththeunpleasantnessleftout,Dixonsaid。Heturnedsmilingtotheothersandsaid:——
  IthinkIamvoicingtheopinionsofallpresentinsayingsomuch-
  Youare,Glynnsaidinafirmtone。OnthatpointIrelandisunited。
  Hestrucktheferruleofhisumbrellaonthestonefloorofthecolonnade——
  Hell,Templesaid。IcanrespectthatinventionofthegreyspouseofSatan。HellisRoman,likethewallsoftheRomans,strongandugly。
  Butwhatislimbo?——
  Puthimbackintotheperambulator,Cranly,O'Keeffecalledout。
  CranlymadeaswiftsteptowardsTemple,halted,stampinghisfoot,cryingasiftoafowl:——
  Hoosh!
  Templemovedawaynimbly——
  Doyouknowwhatlimbois?hecried。DoyouknowwhatwecallanotionlikethatinRoscommon?——
  Hoosh!Blastyou!Cranlycried,clappinghishands——
  Neithermyarsenormyelbow!Templecriedoutscornfully。Andthat'swhatIcalllimbo——
  Giveusthatstickhere,Cranlysaid。
  HesnatchedtheashplantroughlyfromStephen'shandandsprangdownthesteps:butTemple,hearinghimmoveinpursuit,fledthroughthedusklikeawildcreature,nimbleandfleet-footed。Cranly'sheavybootswereheardloudlychargingacrossthequadrangleandthenreturningheavily,foiledandspurningthegravelateachstep。
  HisstepwasangryandwithanangryabruptgesturehethrustthestickbackintoStephen'shand。Stephenfeltthathisangerhadanothercausebut,feigningpatience,touchedhisarmslightlyandsaidquietly:——
  Cranly,ItoldyouIwantedtospeaktoyou。Comeaway。Cranlylookedathimforafewmomentsandasked:——
  Now?——
  Yes,now,Stephensaid。Wecan'tspeakhere。Comeaway。
  Theycrossedthequadrangletogetherwithoutspeaking。ThebirdcallfromSigfriedwhistledsoftlyfollowedthemfromthestepsoftheporch。Cranlyturned,andDixon,whohadwhistled,calledout:——
  Whereareyoufellowsoffto?Whataboutthatgame,Cranly?
  TheyparleyedinshoutsacrossthestillairaboutagameofbilliardstobeplayedintheAdelphihotel。StephenwalkedonaloneandoutintothequietofKildareStreetoppositeMaple'shotelhestoodtowait,patientagain。Thenameofthehotel,acolourlesspolishedwood,anditscolourlessfrontstunghimlikeaglanceofpolitedisdain。Hestaredangrilybackatthesoftlylitdrawing-roomofthehotelinwhichheimaginedthesleeklivesofthepatriciansofIrelandhousedincalm。Theythoughtofarmycommissionsandlandagents:peasantsgreetedthemalongtheroadsinthecountry;theyknewthenamesofcertainFrenchdishesandgaveorderstojarviesinhigh-pitchedprovincialvoiceswhichpiercedthroughtheirskin-tightaccents。
  Howcouldhehittheirconscienceorhowcasthisshadowovertheimaginationsoftheirdaughters,beforetheirsquiresbegatuponthem,thattheymightbreedaracelessignoblethantheirown?Andunderthedeepenedduskhefeltthethoughtsanddesiresoftheracetowhichhebelongedflittinglikebatsacrossthedarkcountrylanes,undertreesbytheedgesofstreamsandnearthepool-mottledbogs。AwomanhadwaitedinthedoorwayasDavinhadpassedbyatnightand,offeringhimacupofmilk,hadallbutwooedhimtoherbed;forDavinhadthemildeyesofonewhocouldbesecret。
  Buthimnowoman'seyeshadwooed。
  HisarmwastakeninastronggripandCranly'svoicesaid:——
  Letusekego。
  Theywalkedsouthwardinsilence。ThenCranlysaid:——
  Thatblitheringidiot,Temple!IsweartoMoses,doyouknow,thatI'llbethedeathofthatfellowonetime。
  buthisvoicewasnolongerangryandStephenwonderedwashethinkingofhergreetingtohimundertheporch。
  Theyturnedtotheleftandwalkedonasbefore。WhentheyhadgoneonsoforsometimeStephensaid:——
  Cranly,Ihadanunpleasantquarrelthisevening——
  Withyourpeople?Cranlyasked——
  Withmymother——
  Aboutreligion?——
  Yes,Stephenanswered。
  AfterapauseCranlyasked:——
  Whatageisyourmother?——
  Notold,Stephensaid。Shewishesmetomakemyeasterduty——
  Andwillyou?——
  Iwillnot,Stephensaid——
  Whynot?Cranlysaid——
  Iwillnotserve,answeredStephen——
  Thatremarkwasmadebefore,Cranlysaidcalmly——
  Itismadebehindnow,saidStephenhotly。
  CranlypressedStephen'sarm,saying:——
  Goeasy,mydearman。You'reanexcitablebloodyman,doyouknow。
  Helaughednervouslyashespokeand,lookingupintoStephen'sfacewithmovedandfriendlyeyes,said:——
  Doyouknowthatyouareanexcitableman?——
  IdaresayIam,saidStephen,laughingalso。
  Theirminds,latelyestranged,seemedsuddenlytohavebeendrawncloser,onetotheother——
  Doyoubelieveintheeucharist?Cranlyasked——
  Idonot,Stephensaid——
  Doyoudisbelievethen?——
  Ineitherbelieveinitnordisbelieveinit,Stephenanswered——
  Manypersonshavedoubts,evenreligiouspersons,yettheyovercomethemorputthemaside,Cranlysaid。Areyourdoubtsonthatpointtoostrong?——
  Idonotwishtoovercomethem,Stephenanswered。
  Cranly,embarrassedforamoment,tookanotherfigfromhispocketandwasabouttoeatitwhenStephensaid:——
  Don't,please。Youcannotdiscussthisquestionwithyourmouthfullofchewedfig。
  Cranlyexaminedthefigbythelightofalampunderwhichhehalted。
  Thenhesmeltitwithbothnostrils,bitatinypiece,spatitoutandthrewthefigrudelyintothegutter。
  Addressingitasitlay,hesaid:——
  Departfromme,yecursed,intoeverlastingfire!TakingStephen'sarms,hewentonagainandsaid:——
  DoyounotfearthatthosewordsmaybespokentoyouonthedayofJudgement?——
  Whatisofferedmeontheotherhand?Stephenasked。Aneternityofblissinthecompanyofthedeanofstudies?——
  Remember,Cranlysaid,thathewouldbeglorified——
  Ay,Stephensaidsomewhatbitterly,bright,agile,impassibleand,aboveall,subtle——
  Itisacuriousthing,doyouknow,Cranlysaiddispassionately,howyourmindissupersaturatedwiththereligioninwhichyousayyoudisbelieve。Didyoubelieveinitwhenyouwereatschool?Ibetyoudid——
  Idid,Stephenanswered——
  Andwereyouhappierthen?Cranlyaskedsoftly,happierthanyouarenow,forinstance?——
  Oftenhappy,Stephensaid,andoftenunhappy。Iwassomeoneelsethen——
  Howsomeoneelse?Whatdoyoumeanbythatstatement?——
  Imean,saidStephen,thatIwasnotmyselfasIamnow,asIhadtobecome——
  Notasyouarenow,notasyouhadtobecome,Cranlyrepeated。Letmeaskyouaquestion。Doyouloveyourmother?
  Stephenshookhisheadslowly——
  Idon'tknowwhatyourwordsmean,hesaidsimply——
  Haveyouneverlovedanyone?Cranlyasked——
  Doyoumeanwomen?——
  Iamnotspeakingofthat,Cranlysaidinacoldertone。Iaskyouifyoueverfeltlovetowardsanyoneoranything?
  Stephenwalkedonbesidehisfriend,staringgloomilyatthefootpath——
  ItriedtoloveGod,hesaidatlength。ItseemsnowIfailed。Itisverydifficult。ItriedtounitemywillwiththewillofGodinstantbyinstant。InthatIdidnotalwaysfail。Icouldperhapsdothatstill——
  Cranlycuthimshortbyasking:——
  Hasyourmotherhadahappylife?——
  HowdoIknow?Stephensaid——
  Howmanychildrenhadshe?——
  Nineorten,Stephenanswered。Somedied——
  WasyourfatherCranlyinterruptedhimselfforaninstant,andthensaid:Idon'twanttopryintoyourfamilyaffairs。Butwasyourfatherwhatiscalledwell-to-do?Imean,whenyouweregrowingup?——
  Yes,Stephensaid——
  Whatwashe?Cranlyaskedafterapause。
  Stephenbegantoenumerategliblyhisfather'sattributes——
  Amedicalstudent,anoarsman,atenor,anamateuractor,ashoutingpolitician,asmalllandlord,asmallinvestor,adrinker,agoodfellow,astory-teller,somebody'ssecretary,somethinginadistillery,atax-gatherer,abankruptandatpresentapraiserofhisownpast。
  Cranlylaughed,tighteninghisgriponStephen'sarm,andsaid:——
  Thedistilleryisdamngood——
  Isthereanythingelseyouwanttoknow?Stephenasked——
  Areyouingoodcircumstancesatpresent?——
  Do,lookit?Stephenaskedbluntly——
  Sothen,Cranlywentonmusingly,youwereborninthelapofluxury。
  Heusedthephrasebroadlyandloudlyasheoftenusedtechnicalexpressions,asifhewishedhishearertounderstandthattheywereusedbyhimwithoutconviction——
  Yourmothermusthavegonethroughagooddealofsuffering,hesaidthen。Wouldyounottrytosaveherfromsufferingmoreeveniforwouldyou?——
  IfIcould,Stephensaid,thatwouldcostmeverylittle——
  Thendoso,Cranlysaid。Doasshewishesyoutodo。Whatisitforyou?Youdisbelieveinit。Itisaform:nothingelse。Andyouwillsethermindatrest。
  Heceasedand,asStephendidnotreply,remainedsilent。Then,asifgivingutterancetotheprocessofhisownthought,hesaid:——
  Whateverelseisunsureinthisstinkingdunghillofaworldamother'sloveisnot。Yourmotherbringsyouintotheworld,carriesyoufirstinherbody。Whatdoweknowaboutwhatshefeels?Butwhatevershefeels,it,atleast,mustbereal。Itmustbe。Whatareourideasorambitions?
  Play。Ideas!Why,thatbloodybleatinggoatTemplehasideas。MacCannhasideastoo。Everyjackassgoingtheroadsthinkshehasideas。
  Stephen,whohadbeenlisteningtotheunspokenspeechbehindthewords,saidwithassumedcarelessness:——
  Pascal,ifIrememberrightly,wouldnotsufferhismothertokisshimashefearedthecontactofhersex——
  Pascalwasapig,saidCranly——
  AloysiusGonzaga,Ithink,wasofthesamemind,Stephensaid——
  Andhewasanotherpigthen,saidCranly——
  Thechurchcallshimasaint,Stephenobjected-
  Idon'tcareaflamingdamnwhatanyonecallshim,Cranlysaidrudelyandflatly。Icallhimapig。
  Stephen,preparingthewordsneatlyinhismind,continued:——
  Jesus,too,seemstohavetreatedhismotherwithscantcourtesyinpublicbutSuarez,ajesuittheologianandSpanishgentleman,hasapologizedforhim——
  Didtheideaeveroccurtoyou,Cranlyasked,thatJesuswasnotwhathepretendedtobe?——
  Thefirstpersontowhomthatideaoccurred,Stephenanswered,wasJesushimself——
  Imean,Cranlysaid,hardeninginhisspeech,didtheideaeveroccurtoyouthathewashimselfaconscioushypocrite,whathecalledthejewsofhistime,awhitedsepulchre?Or,toputitmoreplainly,thathewasablackguard?——
  Thatideaneveroccurredtome,Stephenanswered。ButIamcurioustoknowareyoutryingtomakeaconvertofmeorapervertofyourself?
  Heturnedtowardshisfriend'sfaceandsawtherearawsmilewhichsomeforceofwillstrovetomakefinelysignificant。
  Cranlyaskedsuddenlyinaplainsensibletone:——
  Tellmethetruth。WereyouatallshockedbywhatIsaid?——
  Somewhat,Stephensaid——
  Andwhywereyoushocked,Cranlypressedoninthesametone,ifyoufeelsurethatourreligionisfalseandthatJesuswasnotthesonofGod?——
  Iamnotatallsureofit,Stephensaid。HeismorelikeasonofGodthanasonofMary——
  Andisthatwhyyouwillnotcommunicate,Cranlyasked,becauseyouarenotsureofthattoo,becauseyoufeelthatthehost,too,maybethebodyandbloodofthesonofGodandnotawaferofbread?Andbecauseyoufearthatitmaybe?——
  Yes,Stephensaidquietly,IfeelthatandIalsofearit——
  Isee,Cranlysaid。
  Stephen,struckbyhistoneofclosure,reopenedthediscussionatoncebysaying:——
  Ifearmanythings:dogs,horses,fire-arms,thesea,thunder-storms,machinery,thecountryroadsatnight——
  Butwhydoyoufearabitofbread?——
  Iimagine,Stephensaid,thatthereisamalevolentrealitybehindthosethingsIsayIfear——
  Doyoufearthen,Cranlyasked,thattheGodoftheRomancatholicswouldstrikeyoudeadanddamnyouifyoumadeasacrilegiouscommunion?——
  TheGodoftheRomancatholicscoulddothatnow,Stephensaid。I
  fearmorethanthatthechemicalactionwhichwouldbesetupinmysoulbyafalsehomagetoasymbolbehindwhicharemassedtwentycenturiesofauthorityandveneration——
  Wouldyou,Cranlyasked,inextremedanger,committhatparticularsacrilege?Forinstance,ifyoulivedinthepenaldays?——
  Icannotanswerforthepast,Stephenreplied。Possiblynot——
  Then,saidCranly,youdonotintendtobecomeaprotestant?——
  IsaidthatIhadlostthefaith,Stephenanswered,butnotthatIhadlostself-respect。Whatkindofliberationwouldthatbetoforsakeanabsurditywhichislogicalandcoherentandtoembraceonewhichisillogicalandincoherent?
  TheyhadwalkedontowardsthetownshipofPembrokeandnow,astheywentonslowlyalongtheavenues,thetreesandthescatteredlightsinthevillassoothedtheirminds。Theairofwealthandreposediffusedaboutthemseemedtocomforttheirneediness。Behindahedgeoflaurelalightglimmeredinthewindowofakitchenandthevoiceofaservantwasheardsingingasshesharpenedknives。Shesang,inshortbrokenbars:RosieO'Grady。Cranlystoppedtolisten,saying:——Muliercantat。ThesoftbeautyoftheLatinwordtouchedwithanenchantingtouchthedarkoftheevening,withatouchfainterandmorepersuadingthanthetouchofmusicorofawoman'shand。Thestrifeoftheirmindswasquelled。
  Thefigureofawomanassheappearsintheliturgyofthechurchpassedsilentlythroughthedarkness:awhite-robedfigure,smallandslenderasaboy,andwithafallinggirdle。Hervoice,frailandhighasaboy's,washeardintoningfromadistantchoirthefirstwordsofawomanwhichpiercethegloomandclamourofthefirstchantingofthepassion:EttucumJesuGalilaeoeras。Andallheartsweretouchedandturnedtohervoice,shininglikeayoungstar,shiningclearerasthevoiceintonedthepro-paroxytoneandmorefaintlyasthecadencedied。
  Thesingingceased。Theywentontogether,Cranlyrepeatinginstronglystressedrhythmtheendoftherefrain:Andwhenwearemarried,O,howhappywe'llbeForIlovesweetRosieO'GradyAndRosieO'Gradylovesme——There'srealpoetryforyou,hesaid。There'sreallove。
  HeglancedsidewaysatStephenwithastrangesmileandsaid:——
  Doyouconsiderthatpoetry?Ordoyouknowwhatthewordsmean?——
  IwanttoseeRosiefirst,saidStephen——
  She'seasytofind,Cranlysaid。
  Hishathadcomedownonhisforehead。HeshoveditbackandintheshadowofthetreesStephensawhispaleface,framedbythedark,andhislargedarkeyes。Yes。Hisfacewashandsomeandhisbodywasstrongandhard。Hehadspokenofamother'slove。Hefeltthenthesufferingsofwomen,theweaknessesoftheirbodiesandsouls;andwouldshieldthemwithastrongandresolutearmandbowhismindtothem。
  Awaythen:itistimetogo。AvoicespokesoftlytoStephen'slonelyheart,biddinghimgoandtellinghimthathisfriendshipwascomingtoanend。Yes;hewouldgo。Hecouldnotstriveagainstanother。Heknewhispart——
  ProbablyIshallgoaway,hesaid——
  Where?Cranlyasked——
  WhereIcan,Stephensaid——
  Yes,Cranlysaid。Itmightbedifficultforyoutoliveherenow。
  Butisitthatmakesyougo?——
  Ihavetogo,Stephenanswered——
  Because,Cranlycontinued,youneednotlookuponyourselfasdrivenawayifyoudonotwishtogoorasahereticoranoutlaw。Therearemanygoodbelieverswhothinkasyoudo。Wouldthatsurpriseyou?Thechurchisnotthestonebuildingnoreventheclergyandtheirdogmas。Itisthewholemassofthosebornintoit。Idon'tknowwhatyouwishtodoinlife。
  IsitwhatyoutoldmethenightwewerestandingoutsideHarcourtStreetstation?——
  Yes,Stephensaid,smilinginspiteofhimselfatCranly'swayofrememberingthoughtsinconnexionwithplaces。ThenightyouspenthalfanhourwranglingwithDohertyabouttheshortestwayfromSallygaptoLarras——
  Pothead!Cranlysaidwithcalmcontempt。WhatdoesheknowaboutthewayfromSallygaptoLarras?Orwhatdoesheknowaboutanythingforthatmatter?Andthebigslobberingwashing-potheadofhim!
  Hebrokeintoaloudlonglaugh——
  Well?Stephensaid。Doyouremembertherest?
  Whatyousaid,isit?Cranlyasked。Yes,Irememberit。Todiscoverthemodeoflifeorofartwherebyyourspiritcouldexpressitselfinunfetteredfreedom。
  Stephenraisedhishatinacknowledgement——
  Freedom!Cranlyrepeated。Butyouarenotfreeenoughyettocommitasacrilege。Tellmewouldyourob?——
  Iwouldbegfirst,Stephensaid——
  Andifyougotnothing,wouldyourob?——
  Youwishmetosay,Stephenanswered,thattherightsofpropertyareprovisional,andthatincertaincircumstancesitisnotunlawfultorob。Everyonewouldactinthatbelief。SoIwillnotmakeyouthatanswer。
  Applytothejesuittheologian,JuanMarianadeTalavera,whowillalsoexplaintoyouinwhatcircumstancesyoumaylawfullyKillyourKingandwhetheryouhadbetterhandhimhispoisoninagobletorsmearitforhimuponhisrobeorhissaddlebow。AskmeratherwouldIsufferotherstorobme,oriftheydid,wouldIcalldownuponthemwhatIbelieveiscalledthechastisementoftheseculararm?——
  Andwouldyou?——
  Ithink,Stephensaid,itwouldpainmeasmuchtodosoastoberobbed——
  Isee,Cranlysaid。
  Heproducedhismatchandbegantocleanthecrevicebetweentwoteeth。
  Thenhesaidcarelessly:——
  Tellme,forexample,wouldyoudefloweravirgin?——
  Excuseme,Stephensaidpolitely,isthatnottheambitionofmostyounggentlemen?——
  Whatthenisyourpointofview?Cranlyasked。
  Hislastphrase,soursmellingasthesmokeofcharcoalanddisheartening,excitedStephen'sbrain,overwhichitsfumesseemedtobrood——
  Lookhere,Cranly,hesaid。YouhaveaskedmewhatIwoulddoandwhatIwouldnotdo。IwilltellyouwhatIwilldoandwhatIwillnotdo。IwillnotservethatinwhichInolongerbelieve,whetheritcallitselfmyhome,myfatherland,ormychurch:andIwilltrytoexpressmyselfinsomemodeoflifeorartasfreelyasIcanandaswhollyasIcan,usingformydefencetheonlyarmsIallowmyselftouse-silence,exile,andcunning。
  CranlyseizedhisarmandsteeredhimroundsoastoleadhimbacktowardsLeesonPark。HelaughedalmostslylyandpressedStephen'sarmwithanelder'saffection——
  Cunningindeed!hesaid。Isityou?Youpoorpoet,you!——
  Andyoumademeconfesstoyou,Stephensaid,thrilledbyhistouch,asIhaveconfessedtoyousomanyotherthings,haveInot?——
  Yes,mychild,Cranlysaid,stillgaily——
  YoumademeconfessthefearsthatIhave。ButIwilltellyoualsowhatIdonotfear。IdonotfeartobealoneortobespurnedforanotherortoleavewhateverIhavetoleave。AndIamnotafraidtomakeamistake,evenagreatmistake,alifelongmistake,andperhapsaslongaseternitytoo。
  Cranly,nowgraveagain,slowedhispaceandsaid:——
  Alone,quitealone。Youhavenofearofthat。Andyouknowwhatthatwordmeans?Notonlytobeseparatefromallothersbuttohavenotevenonefriend——
  Iwilltaketherisk,saidStephen——
  Andnottohaveanyoneperson,Cranlysaid,whowouldbemorethanafriend,moreeventhanthenoblestandtruestfriendamaneverhad。
  Hiswordsseemedtohavestrucksomedeepchordinhisownnature。Hadhespokenofhimself,ofhimselfashewasorwishedtobe?Stephenwatchedhisfaceforsomemomentsinsilence。Acoldsadnesswasthere。Hehadspokenofhimself,ofhisownlonelinesswhichhefeared——
  Ofwhomareyouspeaking?Stephenaskedatlength。Cranlydidnotanswer。
  March20。LongtalkwithCranlyonthesubjectofmyrevolt。
  Hehadhisgrandmanneron。Isuppleandsuave。Attackedmeonthescoreofloveforone'smother。Triedtoimaginehismother:cannot。Toldmeonce,inamomentofthoughtlessness,hisfatherwassixty-onewhenhewasborn。Canseehim。Strongfarmertype。Pepperandsaltsuit。Squarefeet。Unkempt,grizzledbeard。Probablyattendscoursingmatches。PayshisduesregularlybutnotplentifullytoFatherDwyerofLarras。Sometimestalkstogirlsafternightfall。Buthismother?Veryyoungorveryold?
  Hardlythefirst。Ifso,Cranlywouldnothavespokenashedid。Oldthen。
  Probably,andneglected。HenceCranly'sdespairofsoul:thechildofexhaustedloins。
  March21,morning。Thoughtthisinbedlastnightbutwastoolazyandfreetoaddtoit。Free,yes。TheexhaustedloinsarethoseofElizabethandZacchary。Thenheistheprecursor。Item:heeatschieflybellybaconanddriedfigs。Readlocustsandwildhoney。Also,whenthinkingofhim,sawalwaysasternseveredheadordeathmaskasifoutlinedonagreycurtainorveronica。Decollationtheycallitinthegold。PuzzledforthemomentbysaintJohnattheLatingate。WhatdoIsee?Adecollatedpercursortryingtopickthelock。
  March21,night。Free。Soulfreeandfancyfree。Letthedeadburythedead。Ay。Andletthedeadmarrythedead。
  March22。IncompanywithLynchfollowedasizeablehospitalnurse。Lynch'sidea。Dislikeit。Twoleanhungrygreyhoundswalkingafteraheifer。
  March23。Havenotseenhersincethatnight。Unwell?Sitsatthefireperhapswithmamma'sshawlonhershoulders。Butnotpeevish。
  Anicebowlofgruel?Won'tyounow?
  March24。Beganwithadiscussionwithmymother。Subject:B。V。M。
  Handicappedbymysexandyouth。ToescapehelduprelationsbetweenJesusandPapaagainstthose-betweenMaryandherson。Saidreligionwasnotalying-inhospital。Motherindulgent。SaidIhaveaqueermindandhavereadtoomuch。Nottrue。Havereadlittleandunderstoodless。ThenshesaidIwouldcomebacktofaithbecauseIhadarestlessmind。Thismeanstoleavechurchbybackdoorofsinandre-enterthroughtheskylightofrepentance。Cannotrepent。Toldhersoandaskedforsixpence。Gotthreepence。
  Thenwenttocollege。Otherwranglewithlittleroundheadrogue'seyeGhezzi。ThistimeaboutBrunotheNolan。BeganinItalianandendedinpidginEnglish。HesaidBrunowasaterribleheretic。Isaidhewasterriblyburned。Heagreedtothiswithsomesorrow。Thengavemerecipeforwhathecallsrisottoallabergamasca。Whenhepronouncesasoftoheprotrudeshisfullcarnallipsasifhekissedthevowel。Hashe?Andcouldherepent?Yes,hecould:andcrytworoundrogue'stears,onefromeacheye。
  CrossingStephen's,thatis,mygreen,rememberedthathiscountrymenandnotminehadinventedwhatCranlytheothernightcalledourreligion。
  Aquartetofthem,soldiersoftheninety-seventhinfantryregiment,satatthefootofthecrossandtossedupdicefortheovercoatofthecrucified。
  Wenttolibrary。Triedtoreadthreereviews。Useless。Sheisnotoutyet。AmIalarmed?Aboutwhat?Thatshewillneverbeoutagain。
  Blakewrote:IwonderifWilliamBondwilldieForassuredlyheisveryill。Alas,poorWilliam!
  IwasonceatadioramainRotunda。Attheendwerepicturesofbignobs。AmongthemWilliamEwartGladstone,justthendead。OrchestraplayedOWillie,wehavemissedyou。
  Araceofclodhoppers!
  March25,morning。Atroublednightofdreams。Wanttogetthemoffmychest。
  Alongcurvinggallery。Fromthefloorascendpillarsofdarkvapours。
  Itispeopledbytheimagesoffabulouskings,setinstone。Theirhandsarefoldedupontheirkneesintokenofwearinessandtheireyesaredarkenedfortheerrorsofmengoupbeforethemforeverasdarkvapours。
  Strangefiguresadvanceasfromacave。Theyarenotastallasmen。
  Onedoesnotseemtostandquiteapartfromanother。Theirfacesarephosphorescent,withdarkerstreaks。Theypeeratmeandtheireyesseemtoaskmesomething。
  Theydonotspeak。
  March30。ThiseveningCranlywasintheporchofthelibrary,proposingaproblemtoDixonandherbrother。AmotherletherchildfallintotheNile。Stillharpingonthemother。Acrocodileseizedthechild。
  Motheraskeditback。Crocodilesaidallrightifshetoldhimwhathewasgoingtodowiththechild,eatitornoteatIt。
  Thismentality,Lepiduswouldsay,isindeedbredoutofyourmudbytheoperationofyoursun。
  Andmine?Isitnottoo?ThenintoNilemudwithit!
  April1。Disapproveofthislastphrase。
  April2。SawherdrinkingteaandeatingcakesinJohnston's,MooneyandO'Brien's。Rather,lynx-eyedLynchsawheraswepassed。HetellsmeCranlywasinvitedtherebybrother。Didhebringhiscrocodile?
  Ishetheshininglightnow?Well,Idiscoveredhim。IprotestIdid。ShiningquietlybehindabushelofWicklowbran。
  April3。MetDavinatthecigarshopoppositeFindlater'schurch。
  Hewasinablacksweaterandhadahurleystick。AskedmewasittrueIwasgoingawayandwhy。ToldhimtheshortestwaytoTarawasviaHolyhead。Justthenmyfathercameup。Introduction。Fatherpoliteandobservant。AskedDavinifhemightofferhimsomerefreshment。Davincouldnot,wasgoingtoameeting。Whenwecameawayfathertoldmehehadagoodhonesteye。AskedmewhyIdidnotjoinarowingclub。Ipretendedtothinkitover。ToldmethenhowhebrokePennyfeather'sheart。Wantsmetoreadlaw。SaysIwascutoutforthat。Moremud,morecrocodiles。
  April5。Wildspring。Scuddingclouds。Olife!Darkstreamofswirlingbogwateronwhichapple-treeshavecastdowntheirdelicateflowers。
  Eyesofgirlsamongtheleaves。Girlsdemureandromping。Allfairorauburn:
  nodarkones。Theyblushbetter。Houpla!
  April6。Certainlysheremembersthepast。Lynchsaysallwomendo。Thensheremembersthetimeofherchildhood-andmine,ifIwaseverachild。Thepastisconsumedinthepresentandthepresentislivingonlybecauseitbringsforththefuture。Statuesofwomen,ifLynchberight,shouldalwaysbefullydraped,onehandofthewomanfeelingregretfullyherownhinderparts。
  April6,later。MichaelRobartesremembersforgottenbeautyand,whenhisarmswrapherround,hepressesinhisarmsthelovelinesswhichhaslongfadedfromtheworld。Notthis。Notatall。Idesiretopressinmyarmsthelovelinesswhichhasnotyetcomeintotheworld。
  April10。Faintly,undertheheavynight,throughthesilenceofthecitywhichhasturnedfromdreamstodreamlesssleepasawearyloverwhomnocaressesmove,thesoundofhoofsupontheroad。Notsofaintlynowastheycomenearthebridge;andinamoment,astheypassthedarkenedwindows,thesilenceisclovenbyalarmasbyanarrow。Theyareheardnowfaraway,hoofsthatshineamidtheheavynightasgems,hurryingbeyondthesleepingfieldstowhatjourney'send-whatheart?-bearingwhattidings?
  April11。ReadwhatIwrotelastnight。Vaguewordsforavagueemotion。Wouldshelikeit?Ithinkso。ThenIshouldhavetolikeitalso。
  April13。Thattundishhasbeenonmymindforalongtime。I
  lookeditupandfinditEnglishandgoodoldbluntEnglishtoo。Damnthedeanofstudiesandhisfunnel!Whatdidhecomeherefortoteachushisownlanguageortolearnitfromus。Damnhimonewayortheother!
  April14。JohnAlphonsusMulrennanhasjustreturnedfromthewestofIreland。EuropeanandAsiaticpaperspleasecopy。Hetoldushemetanoldmanthereinamountaincabin。Oldmanhadredeyesandshortpipe。OldmanspokeIrish。MulrennanspokeIrish。ThenoldmanandMulrennanspokeEnglish。Mulrennanspoketohimaboutuniverseandstars。Oldmansat,listened,smoked,spat。Thensaid:——
  Ah,theremustbeterriblequeercreaturesatthelatterandoftheworld。
  Ifearhim。Ifearhisred-rimmedhornyeyes。ItiswithhimImuststruggleallthroughthisnighttilldaycome,tillheorIliedead,grippinghimbythesinewythroattill。
  Tillwhat?Tillheyieldtome?No。Imeannoharm。
  April15。MethertodaypointblankinGraftonStreet。Thecrowdbroughtustogether。Webothstopped。SheaskedmewhyInevercame,saidshehadheardallsortsofstoriesaboutme。Thiswasonlytogaintime。
  AskedmewasIwritingpoems?Aboutwhom?Iaskedher。ThisconfusedhermoreandIfeltsorryandmean。Turnedoffthatvalveatonceandopenedthespiritual-heroicrefrigeratingapparatus,inventedandpatentedinallcountriesbyDanteAlighieri。Talkedrapidlyofmyselfandmyplans。
  InthemidstofitunluckilyImadeasuddengestureofarevolutionarynature。Imusthavelookedlikeafellowthrowingahandfulofpeasintotheair。Peoplebegantolookatus。Sheshookhandsamomentafterand,ingoingaway,saidshehopedIwoulddowhatIsaid。
  NowIcallthatfriendly,don'tyou?
  Yes,Ilikedhertoday。Alittleormuch?Don'tknow。Ilikedheranditseemsanewfeelingtome。Then,inthatcase,alltherest,allthatIthoughtIthoughtandallthatIfeltIfelt,alltherestbeforenow,infact。O,giveitup,oldchap!Sleepitoff!
  April16。Away!Away!
  Thespellofarmsandvoices:thewhitearmsofroads,theirpromiseofcloseembracesandtheblackarmsoftallshipsthatstandagainstthemoon,theirtaleofdistantnations。Theyareheldouttosay:Wearealone-come。Andthevoicessaywiththem:Weareyourkinsmen。Andtheairisthickwiththeircompanyastheycalltome,theirkinsman,makingreadytogo,shakingthewingsoftheirexultantandterribleyouth。
  April26。Motherisputtingmynewsecondhandclothesinorder。
  Shepraysnow,shesays,thatImaylearninmyownlifeandawayfromhomeandfriendswhattheheartisandwhatitfeels。Amen。Sobeit。Welcome,Olife,Igotoencounterforthemillionthtimetherealityofexperienceandtoforgeinthesmithyofmysoultheuncreatedconscienceofmyrace。