"Whatnonsenseyoutalk，Elizabeth，"youreply；"Iamonlybarelypolitetoher。"
　　"Somemenhavesuchcuriousnotionsofpoliteness，"returnsElizabeth。"Butpraydonotletusquarrel。Iamonlyanxiousnottodisturbyou。Twoarecompany，youknow。Idon’tchoosetobethethird，that’sall。"Withwhichshegoesout。
　　Andtheveiledladyisstillwaitingforyouup-stairs。Youwonderhowlongshewillstop，alsowhatwillhappenaftersheisgone。
　　Ifearthereisnoroomforyou，ghosts，inthisourworld。YourememberhowtheycametoHiawatha——theghostsofthedepartedlovedones。Hehadprayedtothemthattheywouldcomebacktohimtocomforthim，soonedaytheycreptintohiswigwam，satinsilenceroundhisfireside，chilledtheairforHiawatha，frozethesmilesofLaughingWater。
　　Thereisnoroomforyou，ohyoupoorpaleghosts，inthisourworld。Donottroubleus。Letusforget。You，stoutelderlymatron，yourthinlocksturninggrey，youreyesgrownweak，yourchinmoreample，yourvoiceharshwithmuchscoldingandcomplaining，needful，alas！tohouseholdmanagement，Iprayyouleaveme。Ilovedyouwhileyoulived。Howsweet，howbeautifulyouwere。Iseeyounowinyourwhitefrockamongtheapple-blossom。Butyouaredead，andyourghostdisturbsmydreams。
　　Iwouldithauntedmenot。
　　You，dulloldfellow，lookingoutatmefromtheglassatwhichI
　　shave，whydoyouhauntme？YouaretheghostofabrightladI
　　onceknewwell。Hemighthavedonemuch，hadhelived。Ialwayshadfaithinhim。Whydoyouhauntme？IwouldratherthinkofhimasIrememberhim。Ineverimaginedhewouldmakesuchapoorghost。
　　ONTHEPREPARATIONANDEMPLOYMENTOFLOVEPHILTRES
　　Occasionallyafriendwillaskmesomesuchquestionasthis，Doyoupreferdarkwomenorfair？Anotherwillsay，Doyouliketallwomenorshort？Athird，Doyouthinklight-heartedwomen，orserious，themoreagreeablecompany？Ifindmyselfinthepositionthat，onceuponatime，overtookacertaincharmingyoungladyoftastewhowasaskedbyananxiousparent，theyearsmounting，andthefamilyexpenditurenotdecreasing，whichofthenumerousandeligibleyoungmen，thenpayingcourttoher，shelikedthebest。
　　Shereplied，thatwasherdifficulty。Shecouldnotmakeuphermindwhichshelikedthebest。Theywereallsonice。Shecouldnotpossiblyselectonetotheexclusionofalltheothers。Whatshewouldhavelikedwouldhavebeentomarrythelot，butthat，shepresumed，wasimpracticable。
　　IfeelIresemblethatyounglady，notsomuch，perhaps，incharmandbeautyasindecisionofmind，whenquestionssuchastheaboveareputtome。Itisasifonewereaskedone’sfavouritefood。
　　Therearetimeswhenonefanciesaneggwithone’stea。Onotheroccasionsonedreamsofakipper。Todayoneclamoursforlobsters。
　　To-morrowonefeelsoneneverwishestoseealobsteragain；onedeterminestosettledown，foratime，toadietofbreadandmilkandrice-pudding。AskedsuddenlytosaywhetherIpreferredicestosoup，orbeefsteakstocaviare，Ishouldbenonplussed。
　　Iliketallwomenandshort，darkwomenandfair，merrywomenandgrave。
　　Donotblameme，Ladies，thefaultlieswithyou。Everyright-thinkingmanisanuniversallover；howcoulditbeotherwise？
　　Youaresodiverse，yeteachsocharmingofyourkind；andaman’sheartislarge。Youhavenoidea，fairReader，howlargeaman’sheartis：thatishistrouble——sometimesyours。
　　MayInotadmirethedaringtulip，becauseIlovealsothemodestlily？MayInotpressakissuponthesweetviolet，becausethescentofthequeenlyroseisprecioustome？
　　"Certainlynot，"IheartheRosereply。"Ifyoucanseeanythinginher，youshallhavenothingtodowithme。"
　　"Ifyoucareforthatboldcreature，"saystheLily，trembling，"youarenotthemanItookyoufor。Good-bye。"
　　"Gotoyourbaby-facedViolet，"criestheTulip，withatossofherhaughtyhead。"Youarejustfittedforeachother。"
　　AndwhenIreturntotheLily，shetellsmethatshecannottrustme。Shehaswatchedmewiththoseothers。Sheknowsmeforagad-about。Hergentlefaceisfullofpain。
　　SoImustliveunlovedmerelybecauseIlovetoomuch。
　　Mywonderisthatyoungmenevermarry。Thedifficultyofselectionmustbeappalling。IwalkedtheothereveninginHydePark。ThebandoftheLifeGuardsplayedheart-liftingmusic，andthevastcrowdwerebaskinginasweetenjoymentsuchasrarelywoostheEnglishtoiler。Istrolledamongthem，andmyattentionwaschieflydrawntowardsthewomen。Thegreatmajorityofthemwere，I
　　suppose，shop-girls，milliners，andothersbelongingtothelowermiddle-class。Theyhadputontheirbestfrocks，theirbonniesthats，theirnewestgloves。Theysatorwalkedintwosandthrees，chatteringandpreening，ashappyasyoungsparrowsonaclothesline。Andwhatahandsomecrowdtheymade！IhaveseenGermancrowds，IhaveseenFrenchcrowds，IhaveseenItaliancrowds；butnowheredoyoufindsuchaproportionofprettywomenasamongtheEnglishmiddle-class。Threewomenoutofeveryfourwereworthlookingat，everyotherwomanwaspretty，whileeveryfourth，onemightsaywithoutexaggeration，wasbeautiful。AsIpassedtoandfrotheideaoccurredtome：supposeIwereanunprejudicedyoungbachelor，freefrompredilection，lookingforawife；andletmesuppose——itisonlyafancy——thatallthesegirlswerereadyandwillingtoacceptme。Ihaveonlytochoose！Igrewbewildered。
　　Therewerefairgirls，tolookatwhomwasfatal；darkgirlsthatsetone’sheartaflame；girlswithredgoldhairandgravegreyeyes，whomonewouldfollowtotheconfinesoftheuniverse；
　　baby-facedgirlsthatonelongedtoloveandcherish；girlswithnoblefaces，whomamanmightworship；laughinggirls，withwhomonecoulddancethroughlifegaily；seriousgirls，withwhomlifewouldbesweetandgood，domestic-lookinggirls——onefeltsuchwouldmakedelightfulwives；theywouldcook，andsew，andmakeofhomeapleasant，peacefulplace。Thenwicked-lookinggirlscameby，atthestabofwhoseboldeyesallorthodoxthoughtswereputtoaflight，whoselaughterturnedtheworldintoamadcarnival；girlsonecouldmould；girlsfromwhomonecouldlearn；sadgirlsonewantedtocomfort；merrygirlswhowouldcheerone；littlegirls，biggirls，queenlygirls，fairy-likegirls。
　　Supposeayoungmanhadtoselecthiswifeinthisfashionfromsometwentyorthirtythousand；orthatagirlweresuddenlyconfrontedwitheighteenthousandeligibleyoungbachelors，andtoldtotaketheoneshewantedandbequickaboutit？Neitherboynorgirlwouldevermarry。Fateiskindertous。Sheunderstands，andassistsus。InthehallofaParishotelIonceoverheardoneladyaskinganothertorecommendheramilliner’sshop。
　　"GototheMaisonNouvelle，"advisedthequestionedlady，withenthusiasm。"TheyhavethelargestselectionthereofanyplaceinParis。"
　　"Iknowtheyhave，"repliedthefirstlady，"thatisjustwhyI
　　don’tmeantogothere。Itconfusesme。IfIseesixbonnetsIcantelltheoneIwantinfiveminutes。IfIseesixhundredIcomeawaywithoutanybonnetatall。Don’tyouknowalittleshop？"
　　Fatetakestheyoungmanortheyoungwomanaside。
　　"Comeintothisvillage，mydear，"saysFate；"intothisby-streetofthissalubrioussuburb，intothissocialcircle，intothischurch，intothischapel。Now，mydearboy，outoftheseseventeenyoungladies，whichwillyouhave？——outofthesethirteenyoungmen，whichwouldyoulikeforyourveryown，mydear？"
　　"No，miss，Iamsorry，butIamnotabletoshowyouourup-stairsdepartmentto-day，theliftisnotworking。ButIamsureweshallbeabletofindsomethinginthisroomtosuityou。Justlookround，mydear，perhapsyouwillseesomething。"
　　"No，sir，Icannotshowyouthestockinthenextroom，wenevertakethatoutexceptforourveryspecialcustomers。Wekeepourmostexpensivegoodsinthatroom。（Drawthatcurtain，MissCircumstance，please。Ihavetoldyouofthatbefore。）Now，sir，wouldn’tyoulikethisone？Thiscolourisquitetheragethisseason；wearegettingridofquitealotofthese。"
　　"NO，sir！Well，ofcourse，itwouldnotdoforeveryone’stastetobethesame。Perhapssomethingdarkwouldsuityoubetter。Bringoutthosetwobrunettes，MissCircumstance。Charminggirlsbothofthem，don’tyouthinkso，sir？Ishouldsaythetalleroneforyou，sir。Justonemoment，sir，allowme。Now，whatdoyouthinkofthat，sir？mighthavebeenmadetofityou，I’msure。Youprefertheshorterone。Certainly，sir，nodifferencetousatall。Botharethesameprice。There’snothinglikehavingone’sownfancy，I
　　alwayssay。NO，sir，Icannotputherasideforyou，weneverdothat。Indeed，there’sratherarunonbrunettesjustatpresent。I
　　hadagentlemaninonlythismorning，lookingatthisparticularone，andheisgoingtocallagainto-night。Indeed，Iamnotatallsure——Oh，ofcourse，sir，ifyouliketosettleonthisonenow，thatendsthematter。（Putthoseothersaway，MissCircumstance，please，andmarkthisonesold。）Ifeelsureyou’lllikeher，sir，whenyougetherhome。ThankYOU，sir。Good-morning！"
　　"Now，miss，haveYOUseenanythingyoufancy？YES，miss，thisisallwehaveatanythingnearyourprice。（Shutthoseothercupboards，MissCircumstance；nevershowmorestockthanyouareobligedto，itonlyconfusescustomers。HowoftenamItotellyouthat？）YES，miss，youarequiteright，thereISaslightblemish。
　　Theyallhavesomeslightflaw。Themakerssaytheycan’thelpit——
　　it’sinthematerial。It’snotonceinaseasonwegetaperfectspecimen；andwhenwedoladiesdon’tseemtocareforit。Mostofourcustomerspreferalittlefaultiness。Theysayitgivescharacter。Now，lookatthis，miss。Thissortofthingwearsverywell，warmandquiet。You’dlikeonewithmorecolourinit？
　　Certainly。MissCircumstance，reachmedowntheartpatterns。NO，miss，wedon’tguaranteeanyofthemovertheyear，somuchdependsonhowyouusethem。OHYES，miss，they’llstandafairamountofwear。Peopledotellyouthequieterpatternslastlonger；butmyexperienceisthatoneismuchthesameasanother。There’sreallynotellinganyofthemuntilyoucometotrythem。Weneverrecommendonemorethananother。There’salotofchanceaboutthesegoods，it’sinthenatureofthem。WhatIalwayssaytoladiesis——’Pleaseyourself，it’syouwhohavegottowearit；andit’snogoodhavinganarticleyoustartbynotliking。’YES，miss，itISprettyanditlookswellagainstyou：itdoesindeed。Thankyou，miss。Putthatoneaside，MissCircumstance，please。Seethatitdoesn’tgetmixedupwiththeunsoldstock。"
　　Itisausefulphiltre，thejuiceofthatsmallwesternflower，thatOberondropsuponoureyelidsaswesleep。Itsolvesalldifficultiesinatrice。WhyofcourseHelenaisthefairer。
　　CompareherwithHermia！Comparetheravenwiththedove！Howcouldweeverhavedoubtedforamoment？Bottomisanangel，Bottomisaswiseasheishandsome。Oh，Oberon，wethankyouforthatdrug。MatildaJaneisagoddess；MatildaJaneisaqueen；nowomaneverbornofEvewaslikeMatildaJane。Thelittlepimpleonhernose——herlittle，sweet，tip-tiltednose——howbeautifulitis。Herbrighteyesflashwithtempernowandthen；howpiquantisatemperinawoman。Williamisadearoldstupid，howlovablestupidmencanbe——especiallywhenwiseenoughtoloveus。Williamdoesnotshineinconversation；howwehateamagpieofaman。William’schiniswhatiscalledreceding，justthesortofchinabeardlookswellon。Blessyou，Oberondarling，forthatdrug；rubitonoureyelidsonceagain。Betterletushaveabottle，Oberon，tokeepbyus。
　　Oberon，Oberon，whatareyouthinkingof？YouhavegiventhebottletoPuck。Takeitawayfromhim，quick。LordhelpusallifthatImphasthebottle。LordsaveusfromPuckwhilewesleep。
　　Ormaywe，fairyOberon，regardyourlotionasaneye-opener，ratherthanasaneye-closer？Yourememberthestorythestorkstoldthechildren，ofthelittlegirlwhowasatoadbyday，onlyhersweetdarkeyesbeinglefttoher。Butatnight，whenthePrinceclaspedherclosetohisbreast，lo！againshebecametheking’sdaughter，fairestandfondestofwomen。TherebemanyroyalladiesinMarshland，withbadcomplexionandthinstraighthair，andthesillyprincessneerandrideawaytowoosomekitchenwenchdeckedoutinqueen’sapparel。LuckytheprinceuponwhoseeyelidsOberonhasdroppedthemagicphiltre。
　　InthegalleryofaminorContinentaltownIhaveforgotten，hangsapicturethatliveswithme。ThepaintingIcannotrecall，whethergoodorbad；artistsmustforgivemeforrememberingonlythesubject。Itshowsaman，crucifiedbytheroadside。Nomartyrhe。
　　Ifeveramandeservedhangingitwasthisone。Somuchtheartisthasmadeclear。Theface，evenunderitsmaskofagony，isanevil，treacherousface。Apeasantgirlclingstothecross；shestandstip-toeuponapatientdonkey，strainingherfaceupwardforthehalf-deadmantostoopandkissherlips。
　　Thief，coward，blackguard，theyarestampeduponhisface，butUNDER
　　theface，undertheeviloutside？Istherenoremnantofmanhood——
　　nothingtender，nothing，true？Awomanhascrepttothecrosstokisshim：noevidenceinhisfavour，myLord？Loveisblind-aye，toourfaults。Heavenhelpusall；Love’seyeswouldbesoreindeedifitwerenotso。Butforthegoodthatisinushereyesarekeen。You，crucifiedblackguard，standforth。Ahundredwitnesseshavegiventheirevidenceagainstyou。Aretherenonetogiveevidenceforhim？Awoman，greatJudge，wholovedhim。Letherspeak。
　　ButIamwanderingfarfromHydeParkanditsshowofgirls。
　　Theypassedandre-passedme，laughing，smiling，talking。Theireyeswerebrightwithmerrythoughts；theirvoicessoftandmusical。
　　Theywerepleased，andtheywantedtoplease。Someweremarried，somehadevidentlyreasonableexpectationsofbeingmarried；theresthopedtobe。Andwe，myself，andsometenthousandotheryoungmen。Irepeatit——myselfandsometenthousandotheryoungmen；forwhoamonguseverthinksofhimselfbutasayoungman？Itistheworldthatages，notwe。Thechildrenceasetheirplayingandgrowgrave，thelasses’eyesaredimmer。Thehillsarealittlesteeper，themilestones，surely，furtherapart。Thesongstheyoungmensingarelessmerrythanthesongsweusedtosing。Thedayshavegrownalittlecolder，thewindalittlekeener。Thewinehaslostitsflavoursomewhat；thenewhumourisnotliketheold。Theotherboysarebecomingdullandprosy；butwearenotchanged。Itistheworldthatisgrowingold。Therefore，Ibraveyourthoughtlesslaughter，youthfulReader，andrepeatthatwe，myselfandsometenthousandotheryoungmen，walkedamongthesesweetgirls；and，usingourboyisheyes，werefascinated，charmed，andcaptivated。Howdelightfultospendourliveswiththem，todolittleservicesforthemthatwouldcallupthesebrightsmiles。Howpleasanttojestwiththem，andheartheirflute-likelaughter，toconsolethemandreadtheirgratefuleyes。Reallylifeisapleasantthing，andtheideaofmarriageundoubtedlyoriginatedinthebrainofakindlyProvidence。
　　Wesmiledbackatthem，andwemadewayforthem；werosefromourchairswithapolite，"Allowme，miss，""Don’tmentionit，Ipreferstanding。""Itisadelightfulevening，isitnot？"Andperhaps——
　　forwhatharmwasthere？——wedroppedintoconversationwiththesechancefellow-passengersuponthestreamoflife。Therewerethoseamongus——bolddaringspirits——whoevenwenttothelengthofmildflirtation。Someofusknewsomeofthem，andinsuchhappycasetherefollowedinterchangeofprettypleasantries。YourEnglishmiddle-classyoungmanandwomanarenotadeptsatthegameofflirtation。Iwillconfessthatourmethodswere，perhaps，elephantine，thatwemayhavegrownatriflenoisyastheeveningworeon。Butwemeantnoevil；wedidbutourbesttoenjoyourselves，togiveenjoyment，tomakethetoobrieftime，passgaily。
　　Andthenmythoughtstravelledtosmallhomesindistantsuburbs，andthesebrightladsandlassesroundmecametolookolderandmorecareworn。Butwhatofthat？Arenotoldfacessweetwhenlookedatbyoldeyesalittledimmedbylove，andarenotcareandtoilbuttheparentsofpeaceandjoy？
　　ButasIdrewnearer，Isawthatmanyofthefacesweresearedwithsourandangrylooks，andthevoicesthatroseroundmesoundedsurlyandcaptious。Theprettycomplimentandpraisehadchangedtosneersandscoldings。Thedimpledsmilehadwrinkledtoafrown。
　　Thereseemedsolittledesiretoplease，sogreatadeterminationnottobepleased。
　　Andtheflirtations！Ahme，theyhadforgottenhowtoflirt！Oh，thepityofit！Allthejestswerebitter，allthelittleservicesweregivengrudgingly。Theairseemedtohavegrownchilly。A
　　darknesshadcomeoverallthings。
　　AndthenIawoketoreality，andfoundIhadbeensittinginmychairlongerthanIhadintended。Theband-standwasempty，thesunhadset；Iroseandmademywayhomethroughthescatteredcrowd。
　　Natureissocallous。TheDameirritatesoneattimesbyherdevotiontoheroneidea，thepropagationofthespecies。
　　"Multiplyandbefruitful；letmyworldbeevermoreandmorepeopled。"
　　Forthisshetrainsandfashionsheryounggirls，modelsthemwithcunninghand，paintsthemwithherwonderfulredandwhite，crownsthemwithherglorioushair，teachesthemtosmileandlaugh，trainstheirvoicesintomusic，sendsthemoutintotheworldtocaptivate，toenslaveus。
　　"Seehowbeautifulsheis，mylad，"saysthecunningoldwoman。
　　"Takeher；buildyourlittlenestwithherinyourprettysuburb；
　　workforherandliveforher；enablehertokeepthelittleonesthatIwillsend。"
　　Andtoher，oldhundred-breastedArtemiswhispers，"Ishenotabonnylad？Seehowhelovesyou，howdevotedheistoyou！Hewillworkforyouandmakeyouhappy；hewillbuildyourhomeforyou。
　　Youwillbethemotherofhischildren。"
　　Sowetakeeachotherbythehand，fullofhopeandlove，andfromthathourMotherNaturehasdonewithus。Letthewrinklescome；
　　letourvoicesgrowharsh；letthefireshelightedinourheartsdieout；letthefoolishselfishnessweboththoughtwehadputbehindusforevercreepbacktous，bringingunkindnessandindifference，angrythoughtsandcruelwordsintoourlives。Whatcaresshe？Shehascaughtus，andchainedustoherwork。Sheisouruniversalmother-in-law。Shehasdonethematch-making；fortherest，sheleavesittoourselves。Wecanloveorwecanfight；itisallonetoher，confoundher。
　　Iwondersometimesifgoodtempermightnotbetaught。Inbusinessweusenoharshlanguage，saynounkindthingstooneanother。Theshopkeeper，leaningacrossthecounter，isallsmilesandaffability，hemightputuphisshutterswereheotherwise。Thecommercialgent，nodoubt，thinkstheponderousshopwalkeranass，butrefrainsfromtellinghimso。HastytempersarebanishedfromtheCity。CanwenotseethatitisjustasmuchtoourinteresttobanishthemfromTootingandHampstead？
　　Theyoungmanwhosatinthechairnexttome，howcarefullyhewrappedthecloakroundtheshouldersofthelittlemillinerbesidehim。Andwhenshesaidshewastiredofsittingstill，howreadilyhesprangfromhischairtowalkwithher，thoughitwasevidenthewasverycomfortablewherehewas。Andshe！Shehadlaughedathisjokes；theywerenotverycleverjokes，theywerenotverynew。Shehadprobablyreadthemherselfmonthsbeforeinherownparticularweeklyjournal。Yettheharmlesshumbugmadehimhappy。Iwonderiftenyearshenceshewilllaughatsucholdhumour，iftenyearshencehewilltakesuchclumsypainstoputhercapeabouther。
　　Experienceshakesherhead，andisamusedatmyquestion。
　　Iwouldhaveeveningclassesfortheteachingoftempertomarriedcouples，onlyIfeartheinstitutionwouldlanguishforlackofpupils。Thehusbandswouldrecommendtheirwivestoattend，generouslyofferingtopaythefeeasabirthdaypresent。Thewifewouldbeindignantatthesuggestionofgoodmoneybeingthuswasted。"No，John，dear，"shewouldunselfishlyreply，"youneedthelessonsmorethanIdo。Itwouldbeashameformetotakethemawayfromyou，"andtheywouldwrangleuponthesubjectfortherestoftheday。
　　Oh！thefollyofit。Wepackourhamperforlife’spicnicwithsuchpains。Wespendsomuch，weworksohard。Wemakechoicepies，wecookprimejoints，wepreparesocarefullythemayonnaise，wemixwithlovinghandsthesalad，wecramthebaskettothelidwitheverydelicacywecanthinkof。Everythingtomakethepicnicasuccessisthereexceptthesalt。Ah！woeisme，weforgetthesalt。Weslaveatourdesks，inourworkshops，tomakeahomeforthosewelove；wegiveupourpleasures，wegiveupourrest。Wetoilinourkitchenfrommorningtillnight，andwerenderthewholefeasttastelessforwantofaha’porthofsalt——forwantofasoupconofamiability，forwantofahandfulofkindlywords，atouchofcaress，apinchofcourtesy。
　　Whodoesnotknowthatestimablehousewife，workingfromeighttilltwelvetokeepthehouseinwhatshecallsorder？Sheissogoodawoman，sountiring，sounselfish，soconscientious，soirritating。
　　Herroomsaresoclean，herservantssowellmanaged，herchildrensowelldressed，herdinnerssowellcooked；thewholehousesouninviting。Everythingaboutherisinapple-pieorder，andeverybodywretched。
　　MygoodMadam，youpolishyourtables，youscouryourkettles，butthemostvaluablepieceoffurnitureinthewholehouseyouarelettingtorackandruinforwantofalittlepains。Youwillfinditinyourownroom，mydearLady，infrontofyourownmirror。Itisgettingshabbyanddingy，old-lookingbeforeitstime；thepolishisrubbedoffit，Madam，itislosingitsbrightnessandcharm。Doyourememberwhenhefirstbroughtithome，howproudhewasofit？
　　Doyouthinkyouhaveuseditwell，knowinghowhevaluedit？A
　　littlelesscareofyourpotsandyourpans，Madam，alittlemoreofyourselfwerewiser。Polishyourselfup，Madam；youhadaprettywitonce，apleasantlaugh，aconversationthatwasnotconfinedexclusivelytotheshort-comingsofservants，thewrong-doingsoftradesmen。MydearMadam，wedonotliveonspotlesslinen，andcrumblesscarpets。Huntoutthatbundleofoldlettersyoukeeptiedupinfadedribbonatthebackofyourbureaudrawer——apityyoudon’treadthemoftener。Hedidnotenthuseaboutyourcuffsandcollars，gushovertheneatnessofyourdarning。Itwasyourtangledhairheravedabout，yoursunnysmile（wehavenotseenitforsomeyears，Madam——thefaultoftheCookandtheButcher，I
　　presume），yourlittlehands，yourrosebudmouth——ithaslostitsshape，Madam，oflate。TryalittlelessscoldingofMaryAnn，andpractisealaughonceaday：youmightgetbackthedaintycurves。
　　Itwouldbeworthtrying。Itwasaprettymouthonce。
　　Whoinventedthatmischievousfalsehoodthatthewaytoaman’sheartwasthroughhisstomach？Howmanyasillywoman，takingitfortruth，hasletloveslipoutoftheparlour，whileshewasbusyinthekitchen。Ofcourse，ifyouwerefoolishenoughtomarryapig，Isupposeyoumustbecontenttodevoteyourlifetothepreparationofhog’s-wash。ButareyousurethatheISapig？Ifbyanychancehebenot？——then，Madam，youaremakingagrievousmistake。MydearLady，youaretoomodest。IfImaysaysowithoutmakingyouundulyconceited，evenatthedinner-tableitself，youareofmuchmoreimportancethanthemutton。Courage，Madam，benotafraidtotiltalanceevenwithyourowncook。YoucanbemorepiquantthanthesaucealaTartare，moresoothingsurelythanthemeltedbutter。Therewasatimewhenhewouldnothaveknownwhetherhewaseatingbeeforporkwithyoutheothersideofthetable。Whosefaultisit？Don’tthinksopoorlyofus。Wearenotascetics，neitherareweallgourmets：mostofusplainmen，fondofourdinner，asahealthymanshouldbe，butfonderstillofoursweetheartsandwives，letushope。Tryus。Amoderately-cookeddinner——letusevensayanot-too-well-cookeddinner，withyoulookingyourbest，laughingandtalkinggailyandcleverly——asyoucan，youknow——makesapleasantermealforus，aftertheday’sworkisdone，thanthatsamedinner，cookedtoperfection，withyousilent，jaded，andanxious，yourprettyhairuntidy，yourprettyfacewrinkledwithcareconcerningthesole，withanxietyregardingtheomelette。
　　MypoorMartha，benottroubledaboutsomanythings。YOUaretheonethingneedful——ifthebricksandmortararetobeahome。SeetoitthatYOUarewellservedup，thatYOUaredonetoperfection，thatYOUaretenderandsatisfying，thatYOUareworthsittingdownto。Wewantedawife，acomrade，afriend；notacookandanurseonthecheap。
　　Butofwhatuseisittotalk？theworldwilleverfollowitsownfolly。WhenIthinkofallthegoodadvicethatIhavegivenit，andofthesmallresultachieved，IconfessIgrowdiscouraged。I
　　wasgivinggoodadvicetoaladyonlytheotherday。Iwasinstructingherastothepropertreatmentofaunts。Shewassuckingalead-pencil，athingIamalwaystellinghernottodo。
　　Shetookitoutofhermouthtospeak。
　　"Isupposeyouknowhoweverybodyoughttodoeverything，"shesaid。
　　Therearetimeswhenitisnecessarytosacrificeone’smodestytoone’sduty。
　　"OfcourseIdo，"Ireplied。
　　"AnddoesMamaknowhoweverybodyoughttodoeverything？"wasthesecondquestion。
　　Myconvictiononthispointwasbynomeanssostrong，butfordomesticreasonsIagainsacrificedmyselftoexpediency。
　　"Certainly，"Ianswered；"andtakethatpenciloutofyourmouth。
　　I’vetoldyouofthatbefore。You’llswallowitoneday，andthenyou’llgetperichondritisanddie。"
　　Sheappearedtobesolvingaproblem。
　　"Allgrown-uppeopleseemtoknoweverything，"shesummarized。
　　TherearetimeswhenIdoubtifchildrenareassimpleastheylook。
　　Ifitbesheerstupiditythatpromptsthemtomakeremarksofthischaracter，oneshouldpitythem，andseektoimprovethem。Butifitbenotstupidity？wellthen，oneshouldstillseektoimprovethem，butbyadifferentmethod。
　　TheothermorningIoverheardthenursetalkingtothisparticularspecimen。Thewomanisamostworthycreature，andshewasimpartingtothechildsomereallysoundadvice。Shewasinthemiddleofanunexceptionalexhortationconcerningthevirtueofsilence，whenDorotheainterruptedherwith——
　　"Oh，dobequiet，Nurse。Inevergetamoment’speacefromyourchatter。"
　　Suchaninterruptiondiscouragesawomanwhoistryingtodoherduty。
　　LastTuesdayeveningshewasunhappy。Myself，IthinkthatrhubarbshouldneverbeeatenbeforeApril，andthenneverwithlemonade。
　　Hermotherreadherahomilyuponthesubjectofpain。Itwasimpresseduponherthatwemustbepatient，thatwemustputupwiththetroublethatGodsendsus。Dorotheawoulddescendtodetails，aschildrenwill。
　　"Mustweputupwiththecod-liveroilthatGodsendsus？"
　　"Yes，decidedly。"
　　"AndwiththenursesthatGodsendsus？"
　　"Certainly；andbethankfulthatyou’vegotthem，somelittlegirlshaven’tanynurse。Anddon’ttalksomuch。"
　　OnFridayIfoundthemotherintears。
　　"What’sthematter？"Iasked。
　　"Oh，nothing，"wastheanswer；"onlyBaby。She’ssuchastrangechild。Ican’tmakeheroutatall。"
　　"Whathasshebeenuptonow？"
　　"Oh，shewillargue，youknow。"
　　Shehasthatfailing。Idon’tknowwhereshegetsitfrom，butshe’sgotit。
　　"Well？"
　　"Well，shemademecross；and，topunishher，Itoldhersheshouldn’ttakeherdoll’sperambulatoroutwithher。"
　　"Yes？"
　　"Well，shedidn’tsayanythingthen，butsosoonasIwasoutsidethedoor，Iheardhertalkingtoherself——youknowherway？"
　　"Yes？"
　　"Shesaid——"
　　"Yes，shesaid？"
　　"Shesaid，’Imustbepatient。ImustputupwiththemotherGodhassentme。’"
　　Shelunchesdown-stairsonSundays。Wehaveherwithusonceaweektogivehertheopportunityofstudyingmannersandbehaviour。
　　Milsonhaddroppedin，andwewerediscussingpolitics。Iwasinterested，and，pushingmyplateaside，leantforwardwithmyelbowsonthetable。Dorotheahasahabitoftalkingtoherselfinahigh-pitchedwhispercapableofbeingheardaboveanAdelphilovescene。Iheardhersay——
　　"Imustsitupstraight。Imustn’tsprawlwithmyelbowsonthetable。Itisonlycommon，vulgarpeoplebehavethatway。"
　　Ilookedacrossather；shewassittingmostcorrectly，andappearedtobecontemplatingsomethingathousandmilesaway。Wehadallofusbeenlounging！Wesatupstiffly，andconversationflagged。
　　Ofcoursewemadeajokeofitafterthechildwasgone。Butsomehowitdidn’tseemtobeOURjoke。
　　IwishIcouldrecollectmychildhood。Ishouldsoliketoknowifchildrenareassimpleastheycanlook。
　　ONTHEDELIGHTSANDBENEFITSOFSLAVERY
　　MystudywindowlooksdownuponHydePark，andoften，toquotethefamiliarpromiseofeachnewmagazine，itamusesandinstructsmetowatchfrommytowertheepitomeofhumanlifethatpassestoandfrobeneath。Attheopeningofthegates，creepsinthewomanofthestreets。Herpitifulworkforthetimebeingisover。Shiveringinthechilldawn，shepassestoherbriefrest。PoorSlave！Luredtothegalley’slowestdeck，thenchainedthere。Civilization，trickedfool，theysayhasneedofsuch。YouserveasthedogsofEasterntowns。Butatleast，itseemstome，weneednotspitonyou。Hometoyourkennel！Perchance，iftheGodsbekind，theymaysendyoudreamsofacleanlyhearth，whereyouliewithasilvercollarroundyourneck。
　　Nextcomesthelabourer——thehewerofwood，thedrawerofwater——
　　slouchingwearilytohistoil；sleepclingingstillabouthisleadeneyes，hispittanceoffoodcarriedtiedupinadish-clout。
　　ThefirststrokeofthehourclangsfromBigBen。Hastethee，fellow-slave，lesttheoverseer’swhip，"Out，wewillhavenolie-a-bedshere，"descenduponthypatientback。
　　Later，theartisan，withhisbagoftoolsacrosshisshoulder。He，too，listensfearfullytothechimingofthebells。Forhimalsotherehangsreadythewhip。
　　Afterhim，theshopboyandtheshopgirl，makingloveastheywalk，nottowastetime。Andafterthesetheslavesofthedeskandofthewarehouse，employersandemployed，clerksandtradesmen，officeboysandmerchants。Toyourplaces，slavesofallranks。Getyouuntoyourburdens。
　　Now，laughingandshoutingastheyrun，thechildren，thesonsanddaughtersoftheslaves。Beindustrious，littlechildren，andlearnyourlessons，thatwhenthetimecomesyoumaybereadytotakefromourhandsthecreakingoar，toslipintoourseatattheroaringloom。Forweshallnotbeslavesforever，littlechildren。Itisthegoodlawoftheland。Somanyyearsinthegalleys，somanyyearsinthefields；thenwecanclaimourfreedom。Thenweshallgo，littlechildren，backtothelandofourbirth。Andyouwemustleavebehindustotakeupthetaleofourwork。So，offtoyourschools，littlechildren，andlearntobegoodlittleslaves。
　　Next，pompousandsleek，cometheeducatedslaves——journalists，doctors，judges，andpoets；theattorney，theartist，theplayer，thepriest。TheylikewisescurryacrossthePark，lookinganxiouslyfromtimetotimeattheirwatches，lesttheybelatefortheirappointments；thinkingoftheratesandtaxestobeearned，ofthebonnetstobepaidfor，thebillstobemet。Thebestscourged，perhaps，ofall，theseslaves。Thecatreservedforthemhasfiftytailsinplaceofmerelytwoorthree。Work，youhighermiddle-classslave，oryoushallcomedowntothesmokingoftwopennycigars；harderyet，oryoushalldrinkshillingclaret；
　　harder，oryoushallloseyourcarriageandrideinapennybus；
　　yourwife’sfrocksshallbeoflastyear’sfashion；yourtrousersshallbagattheknees；fromKensingtonyoushallbebanishedtoKilburn，ifthetaleofyourbricksrunshort。Oh，amany-thongedwhipisyours，mygenteelbrother。
　　Theslavesoffashionarethenexttopassbeneathmeinreview。
　　Theyaredressedandcurledwithinfinitepains。Theliveried，pamperedfootmanthese，keptmoreforshowthanuse；buttheirsenselesstasksnonethelesslabourtothem。Heremusttheycomeeveryday，merryorsad。Bythisgravelpathandnoothermusttheywalk；thesephrasesshalltheyusewhentheyspeaktooneanother。
　　ForanhourtheymustgoslowlyupanddownuponabicyclefromHydeParkCornertotheMagazineandback。Andtheseclothesmusttheywear；theirglovesofthiscolour，theirneck-tiesofthispattern。
　　Intheafternoontheymustreturnagain，thistimeinacarriage，dressedinanotherlivery，andforanhourtheymustpassslowlytoandfroinfoolishprocession。Fordinnertheymustdonyetanotherlivery，andafterdinnertheymuststandaboutatdrearysocialfunctionstillwithwearinessandboredomtheirheadsfeeldroppingfromtheirshoulders。
　　Withtheeveningcometheslavesbackfromtheirwork：barristers，thinkingouttheireloquentappeals；school-boys，conningtheirdog-earedgrammars；Citymen，planningtheirschemes；thewearersofmotley，cudgellingtheirpoorbrainsforfreshwitwithwhichtopleasetheirmaster；shopboysandshopgirls，silentnowas，together，theyplodhomeward；theartisan；thelabourer。Twoorthreehoursyoushallhavetoyourselves，slaves，tothinkandloveandplay，ifyoubenottootiredtothink，orlove，orplay。Thentoyourlitter，thatyoumaybereadyforthemorrow’stask。
　　Thetwilightdeepensintodark；therecomesbackthewomanofthestreets。Astheshadows，sheroundstheCity’sday。Workstrikesitstent。Evilcreepsfromitspeeringplace。
　　Sowelabour，drivenbythewhipofnecessity，anarmyofslaves。
　　Ifwedonotourwork，thewhipdescendsuponus；onlythepainwefeelinourstomachinsteadofonourback。Andbecauseofthat，wecallourselvesfreemen。
　　Somefewamongusbravelystruggletobereallyfree：theyareourtrampsandoutcasts。Wewell-behavedslavesshrinkfromthem，forthewagesoffreedominthisworldareverminandstarvation。Wecanlivelivesworthlivingonlybyplacingthecollarroundourneck。
　　Therearetimeswhenoneasksoneself：Whythisendlesslabour？Whythisbuildingofhouses，thiscookingoffood，thismakingofclothes？Istheantsomuchmoretobeenviedthanthegrasshopper，becauseshespendsherlifeingrubbingandstoring，andcansparenotimeforsinging？Whythiscomplexinstinct，drivingustoathousandlabourstosatisfyathousanddesires？Wehaveturnedtheworldintoaworkshoptoprovideourselveswithtoys。Topurchaseluxurywehavesoldourease。
　　Oh，ChildrenofIsrael！whywereyenotcontentinyourwilderness？
　　Itseemstohavebeenapatternwilderness。Foryou，asimplewholesomefood，readycooked，wasprovided。Youtooknothoughtforrentandtaxes；youhadnopooramongyou——nopoor-ratecollectors。
　　Yousufferednotfromindigestion，northehundredillsthatfollowover-feeding；anomerforeverymanwasyourportion，neithermorenorless。Youknewnotyouhadaliver。Doctorsweariedyounotwiththeirtheories，theirphysics，andtheirbills。Youwereneitherlandownersnorleaseholders，neithershareholdersnordebentureholders。Theweatherandthemarketreportstroubledyounot。Thelawyerwasunknowntoyou；youwantednoadvice；youhadnoughttoquarrelaboutwithyourneighbour。Noricheswereyoursforthemothandrusttodamage。Youryearlyincomeandexpenditureyouknewwouldbalancetoafraction。Yourwifeandchildrenwereprovidedfor。Youroldagecausedyounoanxiety；youknewyouwouldalwayshaveenoughtoliveuponincomfort。Yourfuneral，asimpleandtastefulaffair，wouldbefurnishedbythetribe。Andyet，poor，foolishchild，freshfromtheEgyptianbrickfield，youcouldnotrestsatisfied。Youhungeredforthefleshpots，knowingwellwhatflesh-potsentail：thecleaningoftheflesh-pots，theforgingoftheflesh-pots，thehewingofwoodtomakethefiresfortheboilingoftheflesh-pots，thebreedingofbeaststofillthepots，thegrowingoffoddertofeedthebeaststofillthepots。
　　Allthelabourofourlifeiscentredroundourflesh-pots。Onthealtaroftheflesh-potwesacrificeourleisure，ourpeaceofmind。
　　Foramessofpottagewesellourbirthright。
　　Oh！ChildrenofIsrael，sawyounotthelongpunishmentyouwerepreparingforyourselves，wheninyourwildernessyousetuptheimageoftheCalf，andfellbeforeit，crying——"ThisshallbeourGod。"
　　Youwouldhaveveal。ThoughtyouneverofthepricemanpaysforVeal？TheservantsoftheGoldenCalf！Iseethem，stretchedbeforemyeyes，aweary，endlessthrong。Iseethemtoilinginthemines，theblacksweatontheirfaces。Iseetheminsunlesscities，silent，andgrimy，andbent。Iseethem，ague-twisted，intherain-soakedfields。Iseethem，pantingbythefurnacedoors。
　　Iseethem，inloin-clothandnecklace，theloadupontheirhead。I
　　seetheminbluecoatsandredcoats，marchingtopourtheirbloodasanofferingonthealtaroftheCalf。Iseetheminhomespunandbroadcloth，Iseetheminsmockandgaiters，Iseethemincapandapron，theservantsoftheCalf。Theyswarmonthelandandtheydotthesea。Theyarechainedtotheanvilandcounter；theyarechainedtothebenchandthedesk。Theymakereadythesoil，theytillthefieldswheretheGoldenCalfisborn。Theybuildtheship，andtheysailtheshipthatcarriestheGoldenCalf。Theyfashionthepots，theymouldthepans，theycarvethetables，theyturnthechairs，theydreamofthesauces，theydigforthesalt，theyweavethedamask，theymouldthedishtoservetheGoldenCalf。
　　Theworkoftheworldistothisend，thatweeatoftheCalf。WarandCommerce，ScienceandLaw！whataretheybutthefourpillarssupportingtheGoldenCalf？HeisourGod。Itisonhisbackthatwehavejourneyedfromtheprimevalforest，whereourancestorsatenutsandfruit。HeisourGod。Histempleisineverystreet。Hisblue-robedprieststandseveratthedoor，callingtothepeopletoworship。Hark！hisvoicerisesonthegas-taintedair——"Now’syourtime！Now’syourtime！Buy！Buy！yepeople。Bringhitherthesweatofyourbrow，thesweatofyourbrain，theacheofyourheart，buyVealwithit。Bringmethebestyearsofyourlife。Bringmeyourthoughts，yourhopes，yourloves；yeshallhaveVealforthem。
　　Now’syourtime！Now’syourtime！Buy！Buy！"
　　Oh！ChildrenofIsrael，wasVeal，evenwithallitstrimmings，quiteworththeprice？
　　Andwe！whatwisdomhavewelearned，duringthecenturies？Italkedwitharichmanonlytheotherevening。HecallshimselfaFinancier，whateverthatmaymean。Heleaveshisbeautifulhouse，sometwentymilesoutofLondon，ataquartertoeight，summerandwinter，afterahurriedbreakfastbyhimself，whilehisguestsstillsleep，andhegetsbackjustintimetodressforanelaboratedinnerhehimselfistoowearyortoopreoccupiedtomorethantouch。IfeverheispersuadedtogivehimselfaholidayitisforafortnightinOstend，whenitismostcrowdedanduncomfortable。
　　Hetakeshissecretarywithhim，receivesanddespatchesahundredtelegramsaday，andhasaprivatetelephone，throughwhichhecanspeakdirecttoLondon，broughtupintohisbedroom。
　　Isupposethetelephoneisreallyausefulinvention。Businessmentellmetheywonderhowtheycontrivedtoconducttheiraffairswithoutit。Myownwonderalwaysis，howanyhumanbeingwiththeordinarypassionsofhisracecanconducthisbusiness，orevenhimself，creditably，withinahundredyardsoftheinvention。IcanimagineJob，orGriselda，orSocrateslikingtohaveatelephoneaboutthemasexercise。Socrates，inparticular，wouldhavemadequiteareputationforhimselfoutofathreemonths’subscriptiontoatelephone。Myself，Iam，perhaps，toosensitive。Ioncelivedforamonthinanofficewithatelephone，ifonecouldcallitlife。IwastoldthatifIhadstucktothethingfortwoorthreemonthslonger，Ishouldhavegotusedtoit。Iknowfriendsofmine，menoncefearlessandhigh-spirited，whonowstandinfrontoftheirowntelephoneforaquarterofanhouratatime，andneversomuchasansweritback。TheytellmethatatfirsttheyusedtoswearandshoutatitasIdid；butnowtheirspiritseemscrushed。
　　Thatiswhathappens：youeitherbreakthetelephone，orthetelephonebreaksyou。Youwanttoseeamantwostreetsoff。Youmightputonyourhat，andberoundathisofficeinfiveminutes。
　　Youareonthepointofstartingwhenthetelephonecatchesyoureye。Youthinkyouwillringhimuptomakesureheisin。Youcommencebyringingupsomehalf-dozentimesbeforeanybodytakesanynoticeofyouwhatever。Youareburningwithindignationatthisneglect，andhavelefttheinstrumenttositdownandpenastingingletterofcomplainttotheCompanywhenthering-backre-callsyou。Youseizetheeartrumpets，andshout——
　　"HowisitthatIcannevergetananswerwhenIring？HerehaveI
　　beenringingforthelasthalf-hour。Ihaverungtwentytimes。"
　　（Thisisafalsehood。Youhaverungonlysixtimes，andthe"half-hour"isanabsurdexaggeration；butyoufeelthemeretruthwouldnotbeadequatetotheoccasion。）"Ithinkitdisgraceful，"
　　youcontinue，"andIshallcomplaintotheCompany。WhatistheuseofmyhavingatelephoneifIcan’tgetanyanswerwhenIring？
　　HereIpayalargesumforhavingthisthing，andIcan’tgetanynoticetaken。I’vebeenringingallthemorning。Whyisit？"
　　Thenyouwaitfortheanswer。
　　"What——whatdoyousay？Ican’thearwhatyousay。"
　　"IsayI’vebeenringinghereforoveranhour，andIcan’tgetanyreply，"youcallback。"IshallcomplaintotheCompany。"
　　"Youwantwhat？Don’tstandsonearthetube。Ican’thearwhatyousay。Whatnumber？"
　　"Botherthenumber；IsaywhyisitIdon’tgetananswerwhenI
　　ring？"
　　"Eighthundredandwhat？"
　　Youcan’targueanymore，afterthat。Themachinewouldgivewayunderthelanguageyouwanttomakeuseof。Halfofwhatyoufeelwouldprobablycauseanexplosionatsomepointwherethewirewasweak。Indeed，merelanguageofanykindwouldfallshortoftherequirementsofthecase。Ahatchetandagunaretheonlyintermediariesthroughwhichyoucouldconveyyourmeaningbythistime。Soyougiveupallattempttoanswerback，andmeeklymentionthatyouwanttobeputincommunicationwithfour-five-seven-six。
　　"Four-nine-seven-six？"saysthegirl。
　　"No；four-five-seven-six。"
　　"Didyousayseven-sixorsix-seven？"
　　"Six-seven——no！Imeanseven-six：no——waitaminute。Idon’tknowwhatIdomeannow。"
　　"Well，Iwishyou’dfindout，"saystheyoungladyseverely。"Youarekeepingmehereallthemorning。"
　　Soyoulookupthenumberinthebookagain，andatlastshetellsyouthatyouareinconnection；andthen，rammingthetrumpettightagainstyourear，youstandwaiting。
　　Andifthereisonethingmorethananotherlikelytomakeamanfeelridiculousitisstandingontip-toeinacorner，holdingamachinetohishead，andlisteningintentlytonothing。Yourbackachesandyourheadaches，yourveryhairaches。Youhearthedooropenbehindyouandsomebodyentertheroom。Youcan’tturnyourhead。Youswearatthem，andhearthedoorclosewithabang。ItimmediatelyoccurstoyouthatinallprobabilityitwasHenrietta。
　　Shepromisedtocallforyouathalf-pasttwelve：youweretotakehertolunch。Itwastwelveo’clockwhenyouwerefoolenoughtomixyourselfupwiththisinfernalmachine，anditprobablyishalf-pasttwelvebynow。Yourpastliferisesbeforeyou，accompaniedbydimmemoriesofyourgrandmother。Youarewonderinghowmuchlongeryoucanbearthestrainofthisattitude，andwhetherafterallyoudoreallywanttoseethemaninthenextstreetbuttwo，whenthegirlintheexchange-roomcallsuptoknowifyou’redone。
　　"Done！"youretortbitterly；"why，Ihaven’tbegunyet。"
　　"Well，bequick，"shesays，"becauseyou’rewastingtime。"
　　Thusadmonished，youattackthethingagain。"AREyouthere？"youcryintonesthatoughttomovetheheartofaCharityCommissioner；
　　andthen，ohjoy！ohrapture！youhearafainthumanvoicereplying——
　　"Yes，whatisit？"
　　"Oh！Areyoufour-five-seven-six？"
　　"What？"
　　"Areyoufour-five-seven-six，Williamson？"
　　"What！whoareyou？"
　　"Eight-one-nine，Jones。"
　　"Bones？"
　　"No，JONES。Areyoufour-five-seven-six？"
　　"Yes；whatisit？"
　　"IsMr。Williamsonin？"
　　"WillIwhat——whoareyou？"
　　"Jones！IsMr。Williamsonin？"
　　"Who？"
　　"Williamson。Will-i-am-son！"
　　"You’rethesonofwhat？Ican’thearwhatyousay。"
　　Thenyougatheryourselfforonefinaleffort，andsucceed，bysuperhumanpatience，ingettingthefooltounderstandthatyouwishtoknowifMr。Williamsonisin，andhesays，soitsoundstoyou，"Beinallthemorning。"
　　Soyousnatchupyourhatandrunround。