Irenewassoft,surelyshewoulddothisforhim,subduehernaturalshrinking,soonerthangivehimpain!Thelessonsmustcontinue;foriftheydid,hewassecure。Andlightinghiscigaratlast,hebegantryingtoshapeouthowtoputittothemall,andexplainthisstrangeintimacy;howtoveilandwrapitawayfromthenakedtruth——thathecouldnotbeartobedeprivedofthesightofbeauty。Ah!Holly!Hollywasfondofher,Hollylikedherlessons。Shewouldsavehim——hislittlesweet!Andwiththathappythoughthebecameserene,andwonderedwhathehadbeenworryingaboutsofearfully。Hemustnotworry,itlefthimalwayscuriouslyweak,andasifbuthalfpresentinhisownbody。
Thateveningafterdinnerhehadareturnofthedizziness,thoughhedidnotfaint。Hewouldnotringthebell,becauseheknewitwouldmeanafuss,andmakehisgoinguponthemorrowmoreconspicuous。Whenonegrewold,thewholeworldwasinconspiracytolimitfreedom,andforwhatreason?——justtokeepthebreathinhimalittlelonger。Hedidnotwantitatsuchcost。OnlythedogBalthasarsawhislonelyrecoveryfromthatweakness;anxiouslywatchedhismastergotothesideboardanddrinksomebrandy,insteadofgivinghimabiscuit。WhenatlastoldJolyonfeltabletotacklethestairshewentuptobed。And,thoughstillshakynextmorning,thethoughtoftheeveningsustainedandstrengthenedhim。Itwasalwayssuchapleasuretogiveheragooddinner——hesuspectedherofundereatingwhenshewasalone;and,attheoperatowatchhereyesglowandbrighten,theunconscioussmilingofherlips。Shehadn’tmuchpleasure,andthiswasthelasttimehewouldbeabletogiveherthattreat。Butwhenhewaspackinghisbaghecaughthimselfwishingthathehadnotthefatigueofdressingfordinnerbeforehim,andtheexertion,too,oftellingheraboutJune’sreturn。
Theoperathateveningwas’Carmen,’andhechosethelastentr’actetobreakthenews,instinctivelyputtingitofftillthelatestmoment。
Shetookitquietly,queerly;infact,hedidnotknowhowshehadtakenitbeforethewaywardmusicliftedupagainandsilencebecamenecessary。Themaskwasdownoverherface,thatmaskbehindwhichsomuchwentonthathecouldnotsee。Shewantedtimetothinkitover,nodoubt!Hewouldnotpressher,forshewouldbecomingtogiveherlessonto-morrowafternoon,andheshouldseeherthenwhenshehadgotusedtotheidea。InthecabhetalkedonlyoftheCarmen;hehadseenbetterintheolddays,butthisonewasnotbadatall。Whenhetookherhandtosaygood-night,shebentquicklyforwardandkissedhisforehead。”Good-bye,dearUncleJolyon,youhavebeensosweettome。””To-morrowthen,”hesaid。”Good-night。Sleepwell。”Sheechoedsoftly:”Sleepwelll”andfromthecabwindow,alreadymovingaway,hesawherfacescrewedroundtowardshim,andherhandputoutinagesturewhichseemedtolinger。
Hesoughthisroomslowly。Theynevergavehimthesame,andhecouldnotgetusedtothese’spick-and-spandy’bedroomswithnewfurnitureandgrey-greencarpetssprinkledalloverwithpinkroses。HewaswakefulandthatwretchedHabanerakeptthrobbinginhishead。
HisFrenchhadneverbeenequaltoitswords,butitssenseheknew,ifithadanysense,agipsything——wildandunaccountable。
Well,therewasinlifesomethingwhichupsetallyourcareandplans——somethingwhichmademenandwomendancetoitspipes。Andhelaystaringfromdeep-sunkeyesintothedarknesswheretheunaccountableheldsway。Youthoughtyouhadholdoflife,butitslippedawaybehindyou,tookyoubythescruffoftheneck,forcedyouhereandforcedyouthere,andthen,likelyasnot,squeezedlifeoutofyou!Ittooktheverystarslikethat,heshouldn’twonder,rubbedtheirnosestogetherandflungthemapart;ithadneverdoneplayingitspranks。Fivemillionpeopleinthisgreatblunderbussofatown,andallofthematthemercyofthatLife-
Force,likealotoflittledriedpeashoppingaboutonaboardwhenyoustruckyourfistonit。Ah,well!Himselfwouldnothopmuchlonger——agoodlongsleepwoulddohimgood!
Howhotitwasuphere!——hownoisy!Hisforeheadburned;shehadkisseditjustwherehealwaysworried;justthere——asifshehadknowntheveryplaceandwantedtokissitallawayforhim。But,instead,herlipsleftapatchofgrievousuneasiness。Shehadneverspokeninquitethatvoice,hadneverbeforemadethatlingeringgestureorlookedbackathimasshedroveaway。
Hegotoutofbedandpulledthecurtainsaside;hisroomfaceddownovertheriver。Therewaslittleair,butthesightofthatbreadthofwaterflowingby,calm,eternal,soothedhim。’Thegreatthing,’hethought’isnottomakemyselfanuisance。I’llthinkofmylittlesweet,andgotosleep。’ButitwaslongbeforetheheatandthrobbingoftheLondonnightdiedoutintotheshortslumberofthesummermorning。AndoldJolyonhadbutfortywinks。
Whenhereachedhomenextdayhewentouttotheflowergarden,andwiththehelpofHolly,whowasverydelicatewithflowers,gatheredagreatbunchofcarnations。Theywere,hetoldher,for’theladyingrey’——anamestillbandiedbetweenthem;andheputtheminabowlinhisstudywherehemeanttotackleIrenethemomentshecame,onthesubjectofJuneandfuturelessons。Theirfragranceandcolourwouldhelp。Afterlunchhelaydown,forhefeltverytired,andthecarriagewouldnotbringherfromthestationtillfouro’clock。Butasthehourapproachedhegrewrestless,andsoughttheschoolroom,whichoverlookedthedrive。
Thesun-blindsweredown,andHollywastherewithMademoiselleBeauce,shelteredfromtheheatofastiflingJulyday,attendingtotheirsilkworms。OldJolyonhadanaturalantipathytothesemethodicalcreatures,whoseheadsandcolourremindedhimofelephants;whonibbledsuchquantitiesofholesinnicegreenleaves;andsmelled,ashethought,horrid。Hesatdownonachintz-coveredwindowseatwhencehecouldseethedrive,andgetwhatairtherewas;andthedogBalthasarwhoappreciatedchintzonhotdays,jumpedupbesidehim。Overthecottagepianoavioletdust-sheet,fadedalmosttogrey,wasspread,andonitthefirstlavender,whosescentfilledtheroom。Inspiteofthecoolnesshere,perhapsbecauseofthatcoolnessthebeatoflifevehementlyimpressedhisebbed-downsenses。Eachsunbeamwhichcamethroughthechinkshadannoyingbrilliance;thatdogsmelledverystrong;
thelavenderperfumewasoverpowering;thosesilkwormsheavinguptheirgrey-greenbacksseemedhorriblyalive;andHolly’sdarkheadbentoverthemhadawonderfullysilkysheen。Amarvellouscruellystrongthingwaslifewhenyouwereoldandweak;itseemedtomockyouwithitsmultitudeofformsanditsbeatingvitality。Hehadnever,tillthoselastfewweeks,hadthiscuriousfeelingofbeingwithonehalfofhimeagerlybornealonginthestreamoflife,andwiththeotherhalfleftonthebank,watchingthathelplessprogress。OnlywhenIrenewaswithhimdidhelosethisdoubleconsciousness。
Hollyturnedherhead,pointedwithherlittlebrownfisttothepiano——fortopointwithafingerwasnot’well-brrred’——andsaidslyly:”Lookatthe’ladyingrey,’Gran;isn’tsheprettyto-day?”
OldJolyon’sheartgaveaflutter,andforasecondtheroomwasclouded;thenitcleared,andhesaidwithatwinkle:”Who’sbeendressingherup?””Mam’zelle。””Hollee!Don’tbefoolish!”
ThatprimlittleFrenchwoman!Shehadn’tyetgotoverthemusiclessonsbeingtakenawayfromher。Thatwouldn’thelp。Hislittlesweetwastheonlyfriendtheyhad。Well,theywereherlessons。
Andheshouldn’tbudgeshouldn’tbudgeforanything。HestrokedthewarmwoolonBalthasar’shead,andheardHollysay:”Whenmother’shome,therewon’tbeanychanges,willthere?Shedoesn’tlikestrangers,youknow。”
Thechild’swordsseemedtobringthechillyatmosphereofoppositionaboutoldJolyon,anddiscloseallthemenacetohisnew-foundfreedom。Ah!Hewouldhavetoresignhimselftobeinganoldmanatthemercyofcareandlove,orfighttokeepthisnewandprizedcompanionship;andtofighttiredhimtodeath。Buthisthin,wornfacehardenedintoresolutiontillitappearedallJaw。
Thiswashishouse,andhisaffair;heshouldnotbudge!Helookedathiswatch,oldandthinlikehimself;hehadowneditfiftyyears。Pastfouralready!AndkissingthetopofHolly’sheadinpassing,hewentdowntothehall。Hewantedtogetholdofherbeforeshewentuptogiveherlesson。Atthefirstsoundofwheelshesteppedoutintotheporch,andsawatoncethatthevictoriawasempty。”Thetrain’sin,sir;butthelady’asn’tcome。”
OldJolyongavehimasharpupwardlook,hiseyesseemedtopushawaythatfatchap’scuriosity,anddefyhimtoseethebitterdisappointmenthewasfeeling。”Verywell,”hesaid,andturnedbackintothehouse。Hewenttohisstudyandsatdown,quiveringlikealeaf。Whatdidthismean?
Shemighthavelosthertrain,butheknewwellenoughshehadn’t。
’Good-bye,dearUncleJolyon。’Why’Good-bye’andnot’Good-
night’?Andthathandofherslingeringintheair。Andherkiss。
Whatdiditmean?Vehementalarmandirritationtookpossessionofhim。HegotupandbegantopacetheTurkeycarpet,betweenwindowandwall。Shewasgoingtogivehimup!Hefeltitforcertain——
andhedefenceless。Anoldmanwantingtolookonbeauty!Itwasridiculous!Ageclosedhismouth,paralysedhispowertofight。
Hehadnorighttowhatwaswarmandliving,norighttoanythingbutmemoriesandsorrow。Hecouldnotpleadwithher;evenanoldmanhashisdignity。Defenceless!Foranhour,losttobodilyfatigue,hepacedupanddown,pastthebowlofcarnationshehadplucked,whichmockedhimwithitsscent。Ofallthingshardtobear,theprostrationofwill-powerishardest,foronewhohasalwayshadhisway。Naturehadgothiminitsnet,andlikeanunhappyfishheturnedandswamatthemeshes,hereandthere,foundnohole,nobreakingpoint。Theybroughthimteaatfiveo’clock,andaletter。Foramomenthopebeatupinhim。Hecuttheenvelopewiththebutterknife,andread:”DEARESTUNCLEJOLYON,——Ican’tbeartowriteanythingthatmaydisappointyou,butIwastoocowardlytotellyoulastnight。I
feelIcan’tcomedownandgiveHollyanymorelessons,nowthatJuneiscomingback。Somethingsgotoodeeptobeforgotten。IthasbeensuchajoytoseeyouandHolly。PerhapsIshallstillseeyousometimeswhenyoucomeup,thoughI’msureit’snotgoodforyou;Icanseeyouaretiringyourselftoomuch。Ibelieveyououghttorestquitequietlyallthishotweather,andnowyouhaveyoursonandJunecomingbackyouwillbesohappy。Thankyouamilliontimesforallyoursweetnesstome。”LovinglyyourIRENE。”
So,thereitwas!Notgoodforhimtohavepleasureandwhathechieflycaredabout;totryandputofffeelingtheinevitableendofallthings,theapproachofdeathwithitsstealthy,rustlingfootsteps。Notgoodforhim!Notevenshecouldseehowshewashisnewleaseofinterestinlife,theincarnationofallthebeautyhefeltslippingfromhim。
Histeagrewcold,hiscigarremainedunlit;andupanddownhepaced,tornbetweenhisdignityandhisholdonlife。Intolerabletobesqueezedoutslowly,withoutasayofyourown,toliveonwhenyourwillwasinthehandsofothersbentonweighingyoutothegroundwithcareandlove。Intolerable!Hewouldseewhattellingherthetruthwoulddo——thetruththathewantedthesightofhermorethanjustalingeringon。Hesatdownathisoldbureauandtookapen。Buthecouldnotwrite。Therewassome-
thingrevoltinginhavingtopleadlikethis;pleadthatsheshouldwarmhiseyeswithherbeauty。Itwastantamounttoconfessingdotage。Hesimplycouldnot。Andinstead,hewrote:”Ihadhopedthatthememoryofoldsoreswouldnotbeallowedtostandinthewayofwhatisapleasureandaprofittomeandmylittlegrand-daughter。Butoldmenlearntoforegotheirwhims;
theyareobligedto,eventhewhimtolivemustbeforegonesoonerorlater;andperhapsthesoonerthebetter。”Mylovetoyou,”JOLYONFORSYTE。”
’Bitter,’hethought,’butIcan’thelpit。I’mtired。’Hesealedanddroppeditintotheboxfortheeveningpost,andhearingitfalltothebottom,thought:’TheregoesallI’velookedforwardto!’
Thateveningafterdinnerwhichhescarcelytouched,afterhiscigarwhichhelefthalf-smokedforitmadehimfeelfaint,hewentveryslowlyupstairsandstoleintothenight-nursery。Hesatdownonthewindow-seat。Anight-lightwasburning,andhecouldjustseeHolly’sface,withonehandunderneaththecheek。AnearlycockchaferbuzzedintheJapanesepaperwithwhichtheyhadfilledthegrate,andoneofthehorsesinthestablestampedrestlessly。