invented。IgotitoutoftheBladesoversaloon。Wefoundawoodwhere“Trespassing“wasforbidden,anddidthe“RetreatoftheTenThousand“throughitfromendtoend,cuttingourwaybravelythroughahostofnettlebedsthatbarredourpath,andnotforgettingtoweepandkneelwhenatlastweemergedwithinsightoftheHighRoadSea。Sowehaveburstattimes,weepingandrejoicing,uponstartledwayfarers。UsuallyItookthepartofthatdistinguishedgeneralXenophen——andpleasenotethequantityoftheo。Ihaveallmyclassicalnameslikethat,——SocratesrhymeswithBatesforme,andexceptwhenthebleakeyeofsomescholarwarnsmeofhisstandardsofjudgment,Iusethosedearoldmispronunciationsstill。ThelittlesplashintoLatinmadeduringmydaysasachemistwashedoffnothingofthehabit。Well,——ifImetthosegreatgentlemenofthepastwiththeiraccentscarelesslyadjustedIdidatleastmeetthemalive,asanequal,andinalivingtongue。Altogethermyschoolmighteasilyhavebeenworseforme,andamongothergoodthingsitgavemeafriendwhohaslastedmylifeout。
ThiswasEwart,whoisnowamonumentalartistatWoking,aftermanyvicissitudes。Dearchap,howhedidstickoutofhisclothestobesure!Hewasalonglimbedlout,ridiculouslytallbesidemymoreyouthfullcompactness,and,exceptthattherewasnoblackmoustacheunderhisnoseblob,hehadthesameroundknobbyfaceashehasto-day,thesamebrightandactivehazelbrowneyes,thestare,themeditativemoment,theinsinuatingreply。SurelynoboyeverplayedthefoolasBobEwartusedtoplayit,noboyhadareadierknackofmantlingtheworldwithwonder。CommonnessvanishedbeforeEwart,athisexpositorytouchallthingsbecamememorableandrare。FromhimIfirstheardtelloflove,butonlyafteritsbarbswerealreadystickinginmyheart。Hewas,Iknownowthebastardofthatgreatimprovidentartist,RickmannEwart;hebroughtthelightofalaxworldthatatleasthadnotturneditsbackuponbeauty,intothegrowingfermentationofmymind。
IwonhisheartbyaversionofVathek,andafterthatwewereinseparableyarningfriends。WemergedourintellectualstocksocompletelythatIwondersometimeshowmuchIdidnotbecomeEwart,howmuchEwartisnotvicariouslyandderivativelyme。
AndthenwhenIhadnewlypassedmyfourteenthbirthday,camemytragicdisgrace。
Itwasinmymidsummerholidaysthatthethinghappened,anditwasthroughtheHonourableBeatriceNormandy。Shehad“comeintomylife。”astheysay,beforeIwastwelve。
ShedescendedunexpectedlyintoapeacefulinterludethatfollowedtheannualgoingofthoseThreeGreatWomen。Shecameintotheoldnurseryupstairs,andeverydayshehadteawithusinthehousekeeper’sroom。Shewaseight,andshecamewithanursecalledNannie;andtobeginwith,Ididnotlikeheratall。
Nobodylikedthisirruptionintothedownstairsrooms;thetwo“gavetrouble。”——adireoffence;Nannie’ssenseofdutytoherchargeledtorequestsanddemandsthattookmymother’sbreathaway。Eggsatunusualtimes,thereboilingofmilk,therejectionofanexcellentmilkpudding——notnegotiatedrespectfullybutdictatedasofright。Nanniewasadark,longfeatured,taciturnwomaninagreydress;shehadafurtiveinflexibilityofmannerthatfinallydismayedandcrushedandovercame。Sheconveyedshewas“underorders“——likeaGreektragedy。Shewasthatstrangeproductoftheoldtime,adevoted,trustedservant;shehad,asitwere,bankedallherprideandwillwiththegreater,morepowerfulpeoplewhoemployedher,inreturnforalife-longsecurityofservitude——thebargainwasnonethelessbindingforbeingimplicit。Finallytheyweretopensionher,andshewoulddiethehatedtreasureofaboarding-house。Shehadbuiltupinherselfanenormoushabitofreferencetotheseupstairspeople,shehadcurbeddownalldiscordantmurmuringsofhersoul,herveryinstinctswerepervertedorsurrendered。Shewassexless,herpersonalpridewasalltransferred,shemotheredanotherwoman’schildwithahard,joylessdevotionthatwasatleastentirelycompatiblewithastoicalseparation。Shetreatedusallasthingsthatcountedfornothingsavetofetchandcarryforhercharge。ButtheHonourableBeatricecouldcondescend。
Thequeerchancesoflateryearscomebetweenmeandadistinctlyseparatedmemoryofthatchildishface。WhenIthinkofBeatrice,IthinkofherasIcametoknowheratalatertime,whenatlastIcametoknowhersowellthatindeednowIcoulddrawher,andshowahundredlittledelicatethingsyouwouldmissinlookingather。ButeventhenIrememberhowInotedtheinfinitedelicacyofherchildishskinandthefineeyebrow,finerthanthefinestfeatherthateveronefeltonthebreastofabird。Shewasoneofthoseelfin,ratherprecociouslittlegirls,quickcoloured,withdarkhair,naturallycurlingduskyhairthatwassometimesastrayoverhereyes,andeyesthatweresometimesimpishlydark,andsometimesaclearbrownyellow。Andfromtheveryoutset,afteramostcursoryattentiontoRabbits,shedecidedthattheonlyreallyinterestingthingatthetea-tablewasmyself。
Theelderstalkedintheirformaldullway——tellingNanniethetriteoldthingsabouttheparkandthevillagethattheytoldeveryone,andBeatricewatchedmeacrossthetablewithapitilesslittlecuriositythatmademeuncomfortable。
“Nannie。”shesaid,pointing,andNannieleftaquestionofmymother’sdisregardedtoattendtoher;“isheaservantboy?“
“S-s-sh。”saidNannie。“He’sMasterPonderevo。”
“Isheaservantboy?”repeatedBeatrice。
“He’saschoolboy。”saidmymother。
“ThenmayItalktohim,Nannie?”
Nanniesurveyedmewithbrutalinhumanity。“Youmustn’ttalktoomuch。”shesaidtohercharge,andcutcakeintofingersforher。
“No。”sheaddeddecisively,asBeatricemadetospeak。
Beatricebecamemalignant。Hereyesexploredmewithunjustifiablehostility。“He’sgotdirtyhands。”shesaid,stabbingattheforbiddenfruit。“Andthere’safraytohiscollar。”
Thenshegaveherselfuptocakewithanappearanceofentireforgetfulnessofmethatfilledmewithhateandapassionatedesiretocompelhertoadmireme。Andthenextdaybeforetea,Ididforthefirsttimeinmylife,freely,withoutcommandoranycompulsion,washmyhands。
Soouracquaintancebegan,andpresentlywasdeepenedbyawhimofhers。Shehadacoldandwaskeptindoors,andconfrontedNanniesuddenlywiththealternativeofbeinghopelesslynaughty,whichinhercaseinvolvedagenerousamountofscreamingunsuitablefortheearsofanelderly,shaky,richaunt,orhavingmeuptothenurserytoplaywithheralltheafternoon。
Nanniecamedownstairsandborrowedmeinacarewornmanner;andIwashandedovertothelittlecreatureasifIwassomelargevarietyofkitten。Ihadneverhadanythingtodowithalittlegirlbefore,Ithoughtshewasmorebeautifulandwonderfulandbrightthananythingelsecouldpossiblybeinlife,andshefoundmethegentlestofslaves——thoughatthesametime,asI
madeevident,fairlystrong。AndNanniewasamazedtofindtheafternoonslipcheerfullyandrapidlyaway。ShepraisedmymannerstoLadyDrewandtomymother,whosaidshewasgladtohearwellofme,andafterthatIplayedwithBeatriceseveraltimes。Thetoysshehadremaininmymemorystillasgreatsplendidthings,gigantictoallmypreviousexperienceoftoys,andweevenwenttothegreatdoll’shouseonthenurserylandingtoplaydiscreetlywiththat,thegreatdoll’shousethatthePrinceRegenthadgivenSirHarryDrew’sfirst-bornwhodiedatfive,thatwasanotineffectualmodelofBladesoveritself,andcontainedeighty-fivedollsandhadcosthundredsofpounds。I
playedunderimperiousdirectionwiththattoyofglory。
Iwentbacktoschoolwhenthatholidaywasover,dreamingofbeautifulthings,andgotEwarttotalktomeoflove;andImadeagreatstoryoutofthedoll’shouse,astorythat,takenoverintoEwart’shands,speedilygrewtoanislanddoll’scityallourown。
Oneofthedolls,Iprivatelydecided,waslikeBeatrice。
OneotherholidaytherewaswhenIsawsomethingofher——oddlyenoughmymemoryofthatsecondholidayinwhichsheplayedapartisvague——andthencameagapofayear,andthenmydisgrace。
NowIsitdowntowritemystoryandtelloveragainthingsintheirorder,Ifindforthefirsttimehowinconsecutiveandirrationalathingthememorycanbe。Onerecallsactsandcannotrecallmotives;onerecallsquitevividlymomentsthatstandoutinexplicably——thingsadrift,joiningontonothing,leadingnowhere。IthinkImusthaveseenBeatriceandherhalf-brotherquiteanumberoftimesinmylastholidayatBladesover,butI
reallycannotrecallmorethanalittleofthequalityofthecircumstances。Thatgreatcrisisofmyboyhoodstandsoutveryvividlyasaneffect,asasortofcardinalthingforme,butwhenIlookfordetails,particularlydetailsthatleduptothecrisis——Icannotfindtheminanydevelopingorderatall。Thishalfbrother,ArchieGarvell,wasanewfactorintheaffair。I
rememberhimclearlyasafair-haired,superciliouslooking,weedily-lankboy,muchtallerthanI,butIshouldimagineverylittleheavier,andthatwehatedeachotherbyasortofinstinctfromthebeginning;andyetIcannotremembermyfirstmeetingwithhimatall。
Lookingbackintothesepastthings——itislikerummaginginaneglectedatticthathasexperiencedtheattentionsofsomewhimsicalrobber——IcannotevenaccountforthepresenceofthesechildrenatBladesover。Theywere,Iknow,amongtheinnumerablecousinsofLadyDrew,andaccordingtothetheoriesofdownstairscandidatesfortheultimatepossessionofBladesover。Iftheywere,theircandidaturewasunsuccessful。
Butthatgreatplace,withallitsfadedsplendour,itsfinefurniture,itslargetraditions,wasentirelyattheoldlady’sdisposition;andIaminclinedtothinkitistruethatsheusedthisfacttotormentanddominateanumberofeligiblepeople。
LordOspreywasamongthenumberofthese,andsheshowedthesehospitalitiestohismotherlesschildandstep-child,partly,nodoubt,becausehewaspoor,butquiteasmuch,Inowadaysimagine,inthedimhopeoffindingsomeaffectionateorimaginativeoutcomeofcontactwiththem。Nanniehaddroppedoutoftheworldthissecondtime,andBeatricewasinthechargeofanextremelyamiableandineffectualpoorarmy-classyoungwomanwhosenameIneverknew。Theywere,Ithink,tworemarkablyillmanagedandenterprisingchildren。Iseemtoremembertoo,thatitwasunderstoodthatIwasnotafitcompanionforthem,andthatourmeetingshadtobeasunostentatiousaspossible。
第5章