wasinvited。AndIdon’tmakeanythingoftheworldoutsideeither。Whatdoyoumakeofit?”
“London。”Ibegan。“It’s——soenormous!”
“Isn’tit!Andit’salluptonothing。Youfindchapskeepinggrocers’shops——whytheDEVIL,Ponderevo,dotheykeepgrocers’
shops?Theyalldoitverycarefully,verysteadily,verymeanly。Youfindpeoplerunningaboutanddoingthemostremarkablethingsbeingpolicemen,forexample,andburglars。
Theygoaboutthesebusinessesquitegravelyandearnestly。I
somehow——can’tgoaboutmine。Isthereanysenseinitatall——anywhere?”
“Theremustbesenseinit。”Isaid。“We’reyoung。”
“We’reyoung——yes。Butonemustinquire。Thegrocer’sagrocerbecause,Isuppose,heseeshecomesinthere。Feelsthatonthewholeitamountstoacall。ButthebotherisIdon’tseewhereIcomeinatall。Doyou?”
“Whereyoucomein?”
“No,whereyoucomein。”
“Notexactly,yet。”Isaid。“Iwanttodosomegoodintheworld——something——somethingeffectual,beforeIdie。Ihaveasortofideamyscientificwork——Idon’tknow。”
“Yes。”hemused。”AndI’vegotasortofideamysculpture,——butnowitistocomeinandWHY,——I’venoideaatall。”Hehuggedhiskneesforaspace。“That’swhatpuzzlesme,Ponderevo,noend。”
Hebecameanimated。“Ifyouwilllookinthatcupboard。”hesaid,“youwillfindanoldrespectablelookingrollonaplateandaknifesomewhereandagallipotcontainingbutter。YougivethemmeandI’llmakemybreakfast,andthenifyoudon’tmindwatchingmepaddleaboutatmysimpletoiletI’llgetup。Thenwe’llgoforawalkandtalkaboutthisaffairoflifefurther。
AndaboutArtandLiteratureandanythingelsethatcropsupontheway。Yes,that’sthegallipot。Cockroachgotinit?
Chuckhimout——damnedinterloper。”
Sointhefirstfiveminutesofourtalk,asIseemtorememberitnow,oldEwartstruckthenotethatranthroughallthatmorning’sintercourse。
Tomeitwasamostmemorabletalkbecauseitopenedoutquitenewhorizonsofthought。I’dbeenworkingrathercloseandoutoftouchwithEwart’sfreegesticulatingway。Hewaspessimisticthatdayandscepticaltotheveryrootofthings。
Hemademefeelclearly,whatIhadnotfeltatallbefore,thegeneraladventurousnessoflife,particularlyoflifeatthestagewehadreached,andalsotheabsenceofdefiniteobjects,ofanyconcertedpurposeinthelivesthatweregoingonallroundus。Hemademefeel,too,howreadyIwastotakeupcommonplaceassumptions。JustasIhadalwaysimaginedthatsomewhereinsocialarrangementstherewascertainlyaHead-Masterwhowouldinterveneifonewenttoofar,soIhadalwayshadasortofimplicitbeliefthatinourEnglandthereweresomewherepeoplewhounderstoodwhatwewereall,asanation,about。Thatcrumpledintohispitofdoubtandvanished。
Hebroughtout,sharplycutandcertain,theimmenseeffectofpurposelessnessinLondonthatIwasalreadyindistinctlyfeeling。WefoundourselvesatlastreturningthroughHighgateCemeteryandWaterlowPark——andEwartwastalking。
“Lookatitthere。”hesaid,stoppingandpointingtothegreatvaleofLondonspreadingwideandfar。“It’slikeasea——andweswiminit。Andatlastdownwego,andthenupwecome——washeduphere。”Heswunghisarmstothelongslopesaboutus,tombsandheadstonesinlongperspectives,inlimitlessrows。
“We’reyoung,Ponderevo,butsoonerorlaterourwhitenedmemorieswillwashupononeofthesebeaches,onsomesuchbeachasthis。GeorgePonderevo,F。R。S。,SidneyEwart,R。I。P。Lookattherowsof’em!”
Hepaused。“Doyouseethathand?Thehand,Imean,pointingupward,onthetopofabluntedobelisk。Yes。Well,that’swhatIdoforaliving——whenI’mnotthinking,ordrinking,orprowling,ormakinglove,orpretendingI’mtryingtobeasculptorwithouteitherthemoneyorthemoralsforamodel。
See?AndIdothoseheartsafireandthosepensiveangelguardianswiththepalmofpeace。DamnedwellIdo’emanddamnedcheap!I’masweatedvictim,Ponderevo。”
Thatwasthewayofit,anyhow。Idrankdeepoftalkthatday;
wewentintotheology,intophilosophy;Ihadmyfirstglimpseofsocialism。IfeltasthoughIhadbeensilentinasilencesinceIandhehadparted。AtthethoughtofsocialismEwart’smoodschangedforatimetoasortofenergy。“Afterall,allthisconfoundedvaguenessmightbealtered。Ifyoucouldgetmentoworktogether。”
Itwasagoodtalkthatrambledthroughalltheuniverse。I
thoughtIwasgivingmymindrefreshment,butindeeditwasdissipation。Allsortsofideas,evennow,carrymebackasitweretoafountain-head,toWaterlowParkandmyresuscitatedEwart。TherestretchesawaysouthofuslonggardenslopesandwhitegravestonesandthewideexpanseofLondon,andsomewhereinthepictureisaredoldwall,sun-warmed,andagreatblazeofMichaelmasdaisiessetoffwithlategoldensunflowersandadriftofmottled,blood-red,fallenleaves。ItwaswithmethatdayasthoughIhadliftedmyheadsuddenlyoutofdullandimmediatethingsandlookedatlifealtogether。ButitplayedtheverydevilwiththecopyingupofmyarrearsofnotestowhichIhadvowedthelatterhalfofthatday。
AfterthatreunionEwartandImetmuchandtalkedmuch,andinoursubsequentencountershismonologuewasinterruptedandI
tookmyshare。HehadexercisedmesogreatlythatIlayawakeatnightsthinkinghimover,anddiscoursedandansweredhiminmyheadasIwentinthemorningtotheCollege。Iambynatureadoerandonlybythewayacritic;hisphilosophicalassertionoftheincalculablevaguenessoflifewhichfittedhisnaturalindolencerousedmymoreirritableandenergeticnaturetoactiveprotests。“It’sallsopointless。”Isaid,“becausepeopleareslackandbecauseit’sintheebbofanage。Butyou’reasocialist。Well,let’sbringthatabout!Andthere’sapurpose。Thereyouare!”
Ewartgavemeallmyfirstconceptionsofsocialism;inalittlewhileIwasanenthusiasticsocialistandhewasapassiveresistertothepracticalexpositionofthetheorieshehadtaughtme。“Wemustjoinsomeorganisation。”Isaid。“Weoughttodothings。Weoughttogoandspeakatstreetcorners。
Peopledon’tknow。”
Youmustfiguremearatherill-dressedyoungmaninastateofgreatearnestness,standingupinthatshabbystudioofhisandsayingthesethings,perhapswithsomegesticulations,andEwartwithaclay-smudgedface,dressedperhapsinaflannelshirtandtrousers,withapipeinhismouth,squattingphilosophicallyatatable,workingatsomechunkofclaythatnevergotbeyondsuggestion。
“Iwonderwhyonedoesn’twantto。”hesaid。
ItwasonlyveryslowlyIcametogaugeEwart’srealpositionintheschemeofthings,tounderstandhowdeliberateandcompletewasthisdetachmentofhisfromthemoralcondemnationandresponsibilitiesthatplayedsofineapartinhistalk。Hiswasessentiallythenatureofanartisticappreciator;hecouldfindinterestandbeautyinendlessaspectsofthingsthatImarkedasevil,oratleastasnotnegotiable;andtheimpulseIhadtowardsself-deception,tosustainedandconsistentself-devotion,disturbedanddetachedandpointlessasitwasatthattime,hehadindeedasortofadmirationforbutnosympathy。Likemanyfantasticandampletalkershewasatbottomsecretive,andhegavemeaseriesoflittleshocksofdiscoverythroughoutourintercourse。
Thefirstofthesecameintherealisationthathequiteseriouslymeanttodonothingintheworldatalltowardsreformingtheevilshelaidbareinsoeasyanddexterousamanner。Thenextcameinthesuddenappearanceofapersoncalled“Milly“——I’veforgottenhersurname——whomIfoundinhisroomoneevening,simplyattiredinabluewrap——therestofhercostumebehindthescreen——smokingcigarettesandsharingaflagonofanamazinglycheapandself-assertivegrocer’swineEwartaffected,called“CanarySack。”“Hullo!”saidEwart,asI
camein。“ThisisMilly,youknow。She’sbeenbeingamodel——sheISamodelreally。keepcalm,Ponderevo!Havesomesack?”
Millywasawomanofthirty,perhaps,withabroad,ratherprettyface,aplaciddisposition,abadaccentanddelightfulblondhairthatwavedoffherheadwithanirrepressiblevarietyofcharm;andwheneverEwartspokeshebeamedathim。Ewartwasalwayssketchingthishairofhersandembarkinguponclaystatuettesofherthatwereneverfinished。Shewas,Iknownow,awomanofthestreets,whomEwarthadpickedupinthemostcasualmanner,andwhohadfalleninlovewithhim,butmyinexperienceinthosedayswastoogreatformetoplaceherthen,andEwartofferednoelucidations。Shecametohim,hewenttoher,theytookholidaystogetherinthecountrywhencertainlyshesustainedherfairshareoftheirexpenditure。I
suspecthimnowevenoftakingmoneyfromher。OddoldEwart!
Itwasarelationshipsoalientomyorderlyconceptionsofhonour,towhatIcouldimagineanyfriendofminedoing,thatI
reallyhardlysawitwithitthereundermynose。ButIseeitandIthinkIunderstanditnow。
BeforeIfullygraspedthediscursivemannerinwhichEwartwascommittedtohisparticularwayinlife,Idid,Isay,asthebroadconstructiveideasofsocialismtookholdofme,trytogethimtoworkwithmeinsomedefinitefashionasasocialist。
“Weoughttojoinontoothersocialists。”Isaid。
“They’vegotsomething。”
“Let’sgoandlookatsomefirst。”
第21章