首页 >出版文学> The Varieties of Religious Experience>第20章
  [120]LifeandJournals,Boston,1806,pp。31-40,abridged。
  YoungMr。Alline,afterthebriefestofdelays,andwithnobook-learningbuthisBible,andnoteachingsavethatofhisownexperience,becameaChristianminister,andthenceforwardhislifewasfittorank,foritsausterityandsingle-mindedness,withthatofthemostdevotedsaints。Buthappyashebecameinhisstrenuousway,henevergothistasteforeventhemostinnocentcarnalpleasuresback。Wemustclasshim,likeBunyanandTolstoy,amongstthoseuponwhosesoultheironofmelancholyleftapermanentimprint。Hisredemptionwasintoanotheruniversethanthismerenaturalworld,andliferemainedforhimasadandpatienttrial。Yearslaterwecanfindhimmakingsuchanentryasthisinhisdiary:“OnWednesdaythe12thIpreachedatawedding,andhadthehappinesstherebytobethemeansofexcludingcarnalmirth。”
  ThenextcaseIwillgiveisthatofacorrespondentofProfessorLeuba,printedinthelatter’sarticle,alreadycited,invol。
  vi。oftheAmericanJournalofPsychology。ThissubjectwasanOxfordgraduate,thesonofaclergyman,andthestoryresemblesinmanypointstheclassiccaseofColonelGardiner,whicheverybodymaybesupposedtoknow。Hereitis,somewhatabridged:——
  “BetweentheperiodofleavingOxfordandmyconversionIneverdarkenedthedoorofmyfather’schurch,althoughIlivedwithhimforeightyears,makingwhatmoneyIwantedbyjournalism,andspendingitinhighcarousalwithanyonewhowouldsitwithmeanddrinkitaway。SoIlived,sometimesdrunkforaweektogether,andthenaterriblerepentance,andwouldnottouchadropforawholemonth。
  “Inallthisperiod,thatis,uptothirty-threeyearsofage,I
  neverhadadesiretoreformonreligiousgrounds。ButallmypangswereduetosometerribleremorseIusedtofeelafteraheavycarousal,theremorsetakingtheshapeofregretaftermyfollyinwastingmylifeinsuchaway——amanofsuperiortalentsandeducation。Thisterribleremorseturnedmegrayinonenight,andwheneveritcameuponmeIwasperceptiblygrayerthenextmorning。WhatIsufferedinthiswayisbeyondtheexpressionofwords。Itwashell-fireinallitsmostdreadfultortures。OftendidIvowthatifIgotover’thistime’Iwouldreform。Alas,inaboutthreedaysIfullyrecovered,andwasashappyasever。Soitwentonforyears,but,withaphysiquelikearhinoceros,Ialwaysrecovered,andaslongasIletdrinkalone,nomanwasascapableofenjoyinglifeasIwas。
  “Iwasconvertedinmyownbedroominmyfather’srectoryhouseatpreciselythreeo’clockintheafternoonofahotJulydayJuly13,1886。Iwasinperfecthealth,havingbeenofffromthedrinkfornearlyamonth。Iwasinnowaytroubledaboutmysoul。Infact,Godwasnotinmythoughtsthatday。AyoungladyfriendsentmeacopyofProfessorDrummond’sNaturalLawintheSpiritualWorld,askingmemyopinionofitasaliteraryworkonly。Beingproudofmycriticaltalentsandwishingtoenhancemyselfinmynewfriend’sesteem,Itookthebooktomybedroomforquiet,intendingtogiveitathoroughstudy,andthenwriteherwhatIthoughtofit。ItwasherethatGodmetmefacetoface,andIshallneverforgetthemeeting。’HethathaththeSonhathlifeeternal,hethathathnottheSonhathnotlife。’Ihadreadthisscoresoftimesbefore,butthismadeallthedifference。IwasnowinGod’spresenceandmyattentionwasabsolutely’soldered’ontothisverse,andIwasnotallowedtoproceedwiththebooktillIhadfairlyconsideredwhatthesewordsreallyinvolved。OnlythenwasIallowedtoproceed,feelingallthewhilethattherewasanotherbeinginmybedroom,thoughnotseenbyme。Thestillnesswasverymarvelous,andI
  feltsupremelyhappy。Itwasmostunquestionablyshownme,inonesecondoftime,thatIhadnevertouchedtheEternal:andthatifIdiedthen,Imustinevitablybelost。Iwasundone。I
  knewitaswellasInowknowIamsaved。TheSpiritofGodshoweditmeinineffablelove;therewasnoterrorinit;IfeltGod’slovesopowerfullyuponmethatonlyamightysorrowcreptovermethatIhadlostallthroughmyownfolly;andwhatwasI
  todo?WhatcouldIdo?Ididnotrepenteven;Godneveraskedmetorepent。AllIfeltwas’Iamundone,’andGodcannothelpit,althoughhelovesme。NofaultonthepartoftheAlmighty。
  AllthetimeIwassupremelyhappy:Ifeltlikealittlechildbeforehisfather。Ihaddonewrong,butmyFatherdidnotscoldme,butlovedmemostwondrously。Stillmydoomwassealed。I
  waslosttoacertainty,andbeingnaturallyofabravedispositionIdidnotquailunderit,butdeepsorrowforthepast,mixedwithregretforwhatIhadlost,tookholduponme,andmysoulthrilledwithinmetothinkitwasallover。
  Thentherecreptinuponmesogently,solovingly,sounmistakably,awayofescape,andwhatwasitafterall?Theold,oldstoryoveragain,toldinthesimplestway:’ThereisnonameunderheavenwherebyyecanbesavedexceptthatoftheLordJesusChrist。’Nowordswerespokentome;mysoulseemedtoseemySaviourinthespirit,andfromthathourtothis,nearlynineyearsnow,therehasneverbeeninmylifeonedoubtthattheLordJesusChristandGodtheFatherbothworkeduponmethatafternooninJuly,bothdifferently,andbothinthemostperfectloveconceivable,andIrejoicedthereandtheninaconversionsoastoundingthatthewholevillageheardofitinlessthantwenty-fourhours。
  “Butatimeoftroublewasyettocome。ThedayaftermyconversionIwentintothehay-fieldtolendahandwiththeharvest,andnothavingmadeanypromisetoGodtoabstainordrinkinmoderationonly,Itooktoomuchandcamehomedrunk。
  Mypoorsisterwasheart-broken;andIfeltashamedofmyselfandgottomybedroomatonce,whereshefollowedmeweepingcopiously。ShesaidIhadbeenconvertedandfallenawayinstantly。ButalthoughIwasquitefullofdrinknotmuddled,however,IknewthatGod’sworkbeguninmewasnotgoingtobewasted。AboutmiddayImadeonmykneesthefirstprayerbeforeGodfortwentyyears。Ididnotasktobeforgiven;Ifeltthatwasnogood,forIwouldbesuretofallagain。Well,whatdidI
  do?Icommittedmyselftohimintheprofoundestbeliefthatmyindividualitywasgoingtobedestroyed,thathewouldtakeallfromme,andIwaswilling。Insuchasurrenderliesthesecretofaholylife。Fromthathourdrinkhashadnoterrorsforme:Inevertouchit,neverwantit。Thesamethingoccurredwithmypipe:afterbeingaregularsmokerfrommytwelfthyearthedesireforitwentatonce,andhasneverreturned。Sowitheveryknownsin,thedeliveranceineachcasebeingpermanentandcomplete。Ihavehadnotemptationsinceconversion,GodseeminglyhavingshutoutSatanfromthatcoursewithme。Hegetsafreehandinotherways,butneveronsinsoftheflesh。SinceIgaveuptoGodallownershipinmyownlife,hehasguidedmeinathousandways,andhasopenedmypathinawayalmostincredibletothosewhodonotenjoytheblessingofatrulysurrenderedlife。”
  SomuchforourgraduateofOxford,inwhomyounoticethecompleteabolitionofanancientappetiteasoneoftheconversion’sfruits。
  ThemostcuriousrecordofsuddenconversionwithwhichIamacquaintedisthatofM。AlphonseRatisbonne,afree-thinkingFrenchJew,toCatholicism,atRomein1842。Inalettertoaclericalfriend,writtenafewmonthslater,theconvertgivesapalpitatingaccountofthecircumstances。[121]Thepredisposingconditionsappeartohavebeenslight。HehadanelderbrotherwhohadbeenconvertedandwasaCatholicpriest。Hewashimselfirreligious,andnourishedanantipathytotheapostatebrotherandgenerallytohis“cloth。”FindinghimselfatRomeinhistwenty-ninthyear,hefellinwithaFrenchgentlemanwhotriedtomakeaproselyteofhim,butwhosucceedednofartheraftertwoorthreeconversationsthantogethimtohanghalfjocoselyareligiousmedalroundhisneck,andtoacceptandreadacopyofashortprayertotheVirgin。M。Ratisbonnerepresentshisownpartintheconversationsashavingbeenofalightandchaffingorder;buthenotesthefactthatforsomedayshewasunabletobanishthewordsoftheprayerfromhismind,andthatthenightbeforethecrisishehadasortofnightmare,intheimageryofwhichablackcrosswithnoChristuponitfigured。Nevertheless,untilnoonofthenextdayhewasfreeinmindandspentthetimeintrivialconversations。Inowgivehisownwords。
  [121]MyquotationsaremadefromanItaliantranslationofthisletterintheBiografiadelsig。M。A。Ratisbonne,Ferrara,1843,whichIhavetothankMonsignoreD。O’ConnellofRomeforbringingtomynotice。Iabridgetheoriginal。
  “Ifatthistimeanyonehadaccostedme,saying:’Alphonse,inaquarterofanhouryoushallbeadoringJesusChristasyourGodandSaviour;youshalllieprostratewithyourfaceuponthegroundinahumblechurch;youshallbesmitingyourbreastatthefootofapriest;youshallpassthecarnivalinacollegeofJesuitstoprepareyourselftoreceivebaptism,readytogiveyourlifefortheCatholicfaith;youshallrenouncetheworldanditspompsandpleasures;renounceyourfortune,yourhopes,andifneedbe,yourbetrothed;theaffectionsofyourfamily,theesteemofyourfriends,andyourattachmenttotheJewishpeople;youshallhavenootheraspirationthantofollowChristandbearhiscrosstilldeath;’——if,Isay,aprophethadcometomewithsuchaprediction,Ishouldhavejudgedthatonlyonepersoncouldbemoremadthanhe——whosoever,namely,mightbelieveinthepossibilityofsuchsenselessfollybecomingtrue。
  Andyetthatfollyisatpresentmyonlywisdom,mysolehappiness。
  “ComingoutofthecafeImetthecarriageofMonsieurB。[theproselytingfriend]。Hestoppedandinvitedmeinforadrive,butfirstaskedmetowaitforafewminuteswhilstheattendedtosomedutyatthechurchofSanAndreadelleFratte。Insteadofwaitinginthecarriage,Ienteredthechurchmyselftolookatit。ThechurchofSanAndreawaspoor,small,andempty;I
  believethatIfoundmyselftherealmostalone。Noworkofartattractedmyattention;andIpassedmyeyesmechanicallyoveritsinteriorwithoutbeingarrestedbyanyparticularthought。I
  canonlyrememberanentirelyblackdogwhichwenttrottingandturningbeforemeasImused。Inaninstantthedoghaddisappeared,thewholechurchhadvanished,Inolongersawanything,……ormoretrulyIsaw,OmyGod,onethingalone。
  “Heavens,howcanIspeakofit?Ohno!humanwordscannotattaintoexpressingtheinexpressible。Anydescription,howeversublimeitmightbe,couldbebutaprofanationoftheunspeakabletruth。
  “Iwasthereprostrateontheground,bathedinmytears,withmyheartbesideitself,whenM。B。calledmebacktolife。Icouldnotreplytothequestionswhichfollowedfromhimoneupontheother。ButfinallyItookthemedalwhichIhadonmybreast,andwithalltheeffusionofmysoulIkissedtheimageoftheVirgin,radiantwithgrace,whichitbore。Oh,indeed,itwasShe!ItwasindeedShe![WhathehadseenhadbeenavisionoftheVirgin。]
  “IdidnotknowwhereIwas:IdidnotknowwhetherIwasAlphonseoranother。Ionlyfeltmyselfchangedandbelievedmyselfanotherme;Ilookedformyselfinmyselfanddidnotfindmyself。InthebottomofmysoulIfeltanexplosionofthemostardentjoy;Icouldnotspeak;Ihadnowishtorevealwhathadhappened。ButIfeltsomethingsolemnandsacredwithinmewhichmademeaskforapriest。Iwasledtoone;andtherealone,afterhehadgivenmethepositiveorder,IspokeasbestI
  could,kneeling,andwithmyheartstilltrembling。IcouldgivenoaccounttomyselfofthetruthofwhichIhadacquiredaknowledgeandafaith。AllthatIcansayisthatinaninstantthebandagehadfallenfrommyeyes,andnotonebandageonly,butthewholemanifoldofbandagesinwhichIhadbeenbroughtup。Oneafteranothertheyrapidlydisappeared,evenasthemudandicedisappearundertheraysoftheburningsun。
  “Icameoutasfromasepulchre,fromanabyssofdarkness;andI
  wasliving,perfectlyliving。ButIwept,foratthebottomofthatgulfIsawtheextremeofmiseryfromwhichIhadbeensavedbyaninfinitemercy;andIshudderedatthesightofmyiniquities,stupefied,melted,overwhelmedwithwonderandwithgratitude。YoumayaskmehowIcametothisnewinsight,fortrulyIhadneveropenedabookofreligionnorevenreadasinglepageoftheBible,andthedogmaoforiginalsiniseitherentirelydeniedorforgottenbytheHebrewsofto-day,sothatI
  hadthoughtsolittleaboutitthatIdoubtwhetherIeverknewitsname。ButhowcameI,then,tothisperceptionofit?Icananswernothingsavethis,thatonenteringthatchurchI
  wasindarknessaltogether,andoncomingoutofitIsawthefullnessofthelight。Icanexplainthechangenobetterthanbythesimileofaprofoundsleeportheanalogyofonebornblindwhoshouldsuddenlyopenhiseyestotheday。Hesees,butcannotdefinethelightwhichbatheshimandbymeansofwhichheseestheobjectswhichexcitehiswonder。Ifwecannotexplainphysicallight,howcanweexplainthelightwhichisthetruthitself?AndIthinkIremainwithinthelimitsofveracitywhenIsaythatwithouthavinganyknowledgeoftheletterofreligiousdoctrine,Inowintuitivelyperceiveditssenseandspirit。BetterthanifIsawthem,IFELTthosehiddenthings;I
  feltthembytheinexplicableeffectstheyproducedinme。Itallhappenedinmyinteriormind,andthoseimpressions,morerapidthanthoughtshookmysoul,revolvedandturnedit,asitwere,inanotherdirection,towardsotheraims,byotherpaths。