SoinMaysheaskedhimtocometoWilleyFarmandmeet,Mrs。Dawes。Therewassomethinghehankeredafter。Shesawhim,whenevertheyspokeofClaraDawes,rouseandgetslightlyangry。
Hesaidhedidnotlikeher。Yethewaskeentoknowabouther。
Well,heshouldputhimselftothetest。Shebelievedthatthere,wereinhimdesiresforhigherthings,anddesiresforlower,andthat,thedesireforthehigherwouldconquer。Atanyrate,heshouldtry。
Sheforgotthather“higher“and“lower“werearbitrary。
HewasratherexcitedattheideaofmeetingClaraatWilleyFarm。
Mrs。Dawescamefortheday。Herheavy,dun-colouredhairwas,coiledontopofherhead。Sheworeawhiteblouseandnavyskirt,andsomehow,wherevershewas,seemedtomakethingslookpaltry,andinsignificant。Whenshewasintheroom,thekitchenseemed,toosmallandmeanaltogether。Miriam’sbeautifultwilighty,parlourlookedstiffandstupid。AlltheLeiverswereeclipsed,likecandles。Theyfoundherratherhardtoputupwith。
Yetshewasperfectlyamiable,butindifferent,andratherhard。
Pauldidnotcometillafternoon。Hewasearly。Asheswung,offhisbicycle,Miriamsawhimlookroundatthehouseeagerly。
Hewouldbedisappointedifthevisitorhadnotcome。Miriamwent,outtomeethim,bowingherheadbecauseofthesunshine。
Nasturtiumswerecomingoutcrimsonunderthecoolgreenshadow,oftheirleaves。Thegirlstood,dark-haired,gladtoseehim。
“Hasn’tClaracome?”heasked。
“Yes,“repliedMiriaminhermusicaltone。”She’sreading。”
Hewheeledhisbicycleintothebarn。Hehadput,onahandsometie,ofwhichhewasratherproud,andsockstomatch。
“Shecamethismorning?”heasked。
“Yes,“repliedMiriam,asshewalkedathisside。”Yousaidyou’d,bringmethatletterfromthemanatLiberty’s。Haveyouremembered?”
“Oh,dash,no!”hesaid。”Butnagatmetillyougetit。”
“Idon’tliketonagatyou。”
“Doitwhetherornot。Andissheanymoreagreeable?”
hecontinued。
“YouknowIalwaysthinksheisquiteagreeable。”
Hewassilent。Evidentlyhiseagernesstobeearlyto-day,hadbeenthenewcomer。Miriamalreadybegantosuffer。Theywent,togethertowardsthehouse。Hetooktheclipsoffhistrousers,butwastoolazytobrushthedustfromhisshoes,inspiteofthe,socksandtie。
Clarasatinthecoolparlourreading。Hesawthenapeofher,whiteneck,andthefinehairliftedfromit。Sherose,lookingat,himindifferently。Toshakehandssheliftedherarmstraight,inamannerthatseemedatoncetokeephimatadistance,andyettoflingsomethingtohim。Henoticedhowherbreasts,swelledinsideherblouse,andhowhershouldercurvedhandsomely,underthethinmuslinatthetopofherarm。
“Youhavechosenafineday,“hesaid。
“Ithappensso,“shesaid。
“Yes,“hesaid;“Iamglad。”
Shesatdown,notthankinghimforhispoliteness。
“Whathaveyoubeendoingallmorning?”askedPaulofMiriam。
“Well,yousee,“saidMiriam,coughinghuskily,“Claraonly,camewithfather——andso——she’snotbeenhereverylong。”
Clarasatleaningonthetable,holdingaloof。Henoticed,herhandswerelarge,butwellkept。Andtheskinonthemseemed,almostcoarse,opaque,andwhite,withfinegoldenhairs。Shedid,notmindifheobservedherhands。Sheintendedtoscornhim。
Herheavyarmlaynegligentlyonthetable。Hermouthwasclosed,asifshewereoffended,andshekeptherfaceslightlyaverted。
“YouwereatMargaretBonford’smeetingtheotherevening,“
hesaidtoher。
MiriamdidnotknowthiscourteousPaul。Claraglancedathim。
“Yes,“shesaid。
“Why,“askedMiriam,“howdoyouknow?”
“Iwentinforafewminutesbeforethetraincame,“heanswered。
Claraturnedawayagainratherdisdainfully。
“Ithinkshe’salovablelittlewoman,“saidPaul。
“MargaretBonford!”exclaimedClara。”She’sagreatdeal,clevererthanmostmen。”
“Well,Ididn’tsayshewasn’t,“hesaid,deprecating。
“She’slovableforallthat。”
“And,ofcourse,thatisallthatmatters,“saidClarawitheringly。
Herubbedhishead,ratherperplexed,ratherannoyed。
“Isupposeitmattersmorethanhercleverness,“hesaid;
“which,afterall,wouldnevergethertoheaven。”
“It’snotheavenshewantstoget——it’sherfairshareonearth,“
retortedClara。Shespokeasifhewereresponsibleforsome,deprivationwhichMissBonfordsuffered。
“Well,“hesaid,“Ithoughtshewaswarm,andawfullynice——only,toofrail。Iwishedshewassittingcomfortablyinpeace——“
“’Darningherhusband’sstockings,’“saidClarascathingly。
“I’msureshewouldn’tminddarningevenmystockings,“hesaid。
“AndI’msureshe’ddothemwell。JustasIwouldn’tmindblacking,herbootsifshewantedmeto。”
ButClararefusedtoanswerthissallyofhis。Hetalked,toMiriamforalittlewhile。Theotherwomanheldaloof。
“Well,“hesaid,“IthinkI’llgoandseeEdgar。Ishe,ontheland?”
“Ibelieve,“saidMiriam,“he’sgoneforaloadofcoal。
Heshouldbebackdirectly。”
“Then,“hesaid,“I’llgoandmeethim。”
Miriamdarednotproposeanythingforthethreeofthem。
Heroseandleftthem。
Onthetoproad,wherethegorsewasout,hesawEdgarwalking,lazilybesidethemare,whonoddedherwhite-starredforehead,asshedraggedtheclankingloadofcoal。Theyoungfarmer’sface,lightedupashesawhisfriend。Edgarwasgood-looking,withdark,warmeyes。Hisclotheswereoldandratherdisreputable,andhe,walkedwithconsiderablepride。
“Hello!”hesaid,seeingPaulbareheaded。”Whereareyougoing?”
“Cametomeetyou。Can’tstand’Nevermore。’“
Edgar’steethflashedinalaughofamusement。
“Whois’Nevermore’?”heasked。
“Thelady——Mrs。Dawes——itoughttobeMrs。TheRaventhatquothed,’Nevermore。’“
Edgarlaughedwithglee。
“Don’tyoulikeher?”heasked。
“Notafatlot,“saidPaul。”Why,doyou?”
“No!”Theanswercamewithadeepringofconviction。”No!”
Edgarpurseduphislips。”Ican’tsayshe’smuchinmyline。”
Hemusedalittle。Then:,“Butwhydoyoucallher’Nevermore’?”
heasked。
“Well,“saidPaul,“ifshelooksatamanshesayshaughtily,’Nevermore,’andifshelooksatherselfinthelooking-glassshe,saysdisdainfully’Nevermore,’andifshethinksbackshesaysit,indisgust,andifshelooksforwardshesaysitcynically。”
Edgarconsideredthisspeech,failedtomakemuchoutofit,andsaid,laughing:
“Youthinkshe’saman-hater?”
“SHEthinkssheis,“repliedPaul。
“Butyoudon’tthinkso?”
“No,“repliedPaul。
“Wasn’tshenicewithyou,then?”
“CouldyouimagineherNICEwithanybody?”askedtheyoungman。
Edgarlaughed。Togethertheyunloadedthecoalintheyard。
Paulwasratherself-conscious,becauseheknewClaracouldseeifshe,lookedoutofthewindow。Shedidn’tlook。
OnSaturdayafternoonsthehorseswerebrusheddownandgroomed。
PaulandEdgarworkedtogether,sneezingwiththedustthatcame,fromthepeltsofJimmyandFlower。
“Doyouknowanewsongtoteachme?”saidEdgar。
Hecontinuedtoworkallthetime。Thebackofhisneck,wassun-redwhenhebentdown,andhisfingersthatheldthebrush,werethick。Paulwatchedhimsometimes。
“’MaryMorrison’?”suggestedtheyounger。
Edgaragreed。Hehadagoodtenorvoice,andhelovedtolearn,allthesongshisfriendcouldteachhim,sothathecouldsing,whilsthewascarting。Paulhadaveryindifferentbaritonevoice,butagoodear。However,hesangsoftly,forfearofClara。
Edgarrepeatedthelineinacleartenor。Attimestheybothbroke,offtosneeze,andfirstone,thentheother,abusedhishorse。
Miriamwasimpatientofmen。Ittooksolittletoamuse,them——evenPaul。Shethoughtitanomalousinhimthathecould,besothoroughlyabsorbedinatriviality。
Itwastea-timewhentheyhadfinished。
“Whatsongwasthat?”askedMiriam。
Edgartoldher。Theconversationturnedtosinging。
“Wehavesuchjollytimes,“MiriamsaidtoClara。
Mrs。Dawesatehermealinaslow,dignifiedway。
Wheneverthemenwerepresentshegrewdistant。
“Doyoulikesinging?”Miriamaskedher。
“Ifitisgood,“shesaid。
Paul,ofcourse,coloured。
“Youmeanifitishigh-classandtrained?”hesaid。
“Ithinkavoiceneedstrainingbeforethesingingisanything,“
shesaid。
“Youmightaswellinsistonhavingpeople’svoicestrained,beforeyouallowedthemtotalk,“hereplied。”Really,peoplesing,fortheirownpleasure,asarule。”
“Anditmaybeforotherpeople’sdiscomfort。”
“Thentheotherpeopleshouldhaveflapstotheirears,“
hereplied。
Theboyslaughed。Therewasasilence。Heflusheddeeply,andateinsilence。
Aftertea,whenallthemenhadgonebutPaul,Mrs。Leivers,saidtoClara:
“Andyoufindlifehappiernow?”
“Infinitely。”
“Andyouaresatisfied?”
“SolongasIcanbefreeandindependent。”
“Andyoudon’tMISSanythinginyourlife?”
askedMrs。Leiversgently。
“I’veputallthatbehindme。”
Paulhadbeenfeelinguncomfortableduringthisdiscourse。
Hegotup。
“You’llfindyou’realwaystumblingoverthethingsyou’veput,behindyou,“hesaid。Thenhetookhisdeparturetothecowsheds。
Hefelthehadbeenwitty,andhismanlypridewashigh。Hewhistled,ashewentdownthebricktrack。
Miriamcameforhimalittlelatertoknowifhewouldgowith,Claraandherforawalk。TheysetoffdowntoStrelleyMillFarm。
Astheyweregoingbesidethebrook,ontheWilleyWaterside,lookingthroughthebrakeattheedgeofthewood,wherepinkcampions,glowedunderafewsunbeams,theysaw,beyondthetree-trunks,andthethinhazelbushes,amanleadingagreatbayhorsethrough,thegullies。Thebigredbeastseemedtodanceromantically,throughthatdimnessofgreenhazeldrift,awaythere,wheretheairwasshadowy,asifitwereinthepast,amongthefadingbluebellsthatmighthavebloomed,forDeidreorIseult。
Thethreestoodcharmed。
“Whatatreattobeaknight,“hesaid,“andtohave,apavilionhere。”
“Andtohaveusshutupsafely?”repliedClara。
“Yes,“heanswered,“singingwithyourmaidsatyourbroidery。
Iwouldcarryyourbannerofwhiteandgreenandheliotrope。Iwould,have’W。S。P。U。’emblazonedonmyshield,beneathawomanrampant。”
“Ihavenodoubt,“saidClara,“thatyouwouldmuchrather,fightforawomanthanletherfightforherself。”
“Iwould。Whenshefightsforherselfsheseemslikeadog,beforealooking-glass,goneintoamadfurywithitsownshadow。”
“AndYOUarethelooking-glass?”sheasked,withacurl,ofthelip。
“Ortheshadow,“hereplied。
“Iamafraid,“shesaid,“thatyouaretooclever。”
“Well,IleaveittoyoutobeGOOD,“heretorted,laughing。
“Begood,sweetmaid,andjustletMEbeclever。”
ButClaraweariedofhisflippancy。Suddenly,lookingather,hesawthattheupwardliftingofherfacewasmiseryandnotscorn。
Hisheartgrewtenderforeverybody。Heturnedandwasgentle,withMiriam,whomhehadneglectedtillthen。
Atthewood’sedgetheymetLimb,athin,swarthymanofforty,tenantofStrelleyMill,whichheranasacattle-raisingfarm。
Heheldthehalterofthepowerfulstallionindifferently,asifhe,weretired。Thethreestoodtolethimpassoverthestepping-stones,ofthefirstbrook。Pauladmiredthatsolargeananimalshould,walkonsuchspringytoes,withanendlessexcessofvigour。
Limbpulledupbeforethem。
“Tellyourfather,MissLeivers,“hesaid,inapeculiar,pipingvoice,“thathisyoungbeas’es’asbrokethatbottomfence,threedaysan’runnin’。”
“Which?”askedMiriam,tremulous。
Thegreathorsebreathedheavily,shiftingrounditsredflanks,andlookingsuspiciouslywithitswonderfulbigeyesupwardsfrom,underitsloweredheadandfallingmane。
“Comealongabit,“repliedLimb,“an’I’llshowyou。”
Themanandthestallionwentforward。Itdancedsideways,shakingitswhitefetlocksandlookingfrightened,asitfeltitself,inthebrook。
“Nohanky-pankyin’,“saidthemanaffectionatelytothebeast。
Itwentupthebankinlittleleaps,thensplashedfinelythrough,thesecondbrook。Clara,walkingwithakindofsulkyabandon,watchedithalf-fascinated,half-contemptuous。Limbstopped,andpointedtothefenceundersomewillows。
“There,youseewheretheygotthrough,“hesaid。”Myman’s,druv’embackthreetimes。”
“Yes,“answeredMiriam,colouringasifshewereatfault。
“Areyoucomin’in?”askedtheman。
“No,thanks;butweshouldliketogobythepond。”
“Well,justasyou’veamind,“hesaid。
Thehorsegavelittlewhinneysofpleasureatbeingsonearhome。
“Heisgladtobeback,“saidClara,whowasinterested,inthecreature。
“Yes——’e’sbeenatidystepto-day。”
Theywentthroughthegate,andsawapproachingthemfrom,thebigfarmhouseasmallish,dark,excitable-lookingwoman,ofaboutthirty-five。Herhairwastouchedwithgrey,herdark,eyeslookedwild。Shewalkedwithherhandsbehindherback。
Herbrotherwentforward。Asitsawher,thebigbaystallion,whinneyedagain。Shecameupexcitedly。
“Areyouhomeagain,myboy!”shesaidtenderlytothehorse,nottotheman。Thegreatbeastshiftedroundtoher,duckinghishead。
Shesmuggledintohismouththewrinkledyellowappleshehad,beenhidingbehindherback,thenshekissedhimneartheeyes。
Hegaveabigsighofpleasure。Sheheldhisheadinherarms,againstherbreast。
“Isn’thesplendid!”saidMiriamtoher。
MissLimblookedup。HerdarkeyesglancedstraightatPaul。
“Oh,good-evening,MissLeivers,“shesaid。”It’sages,sinceyou’vebeendown。”
Miriamintroducedherfriends。
“YourhorseISafinefellow!”saidClara。
“Isn’the!”Againshekissedhim。”Aslovingasanyman!”
“Morelovingthanmostmen,Ishouldthink,“repliedClara。
“He’saniceboy!”criedthewoman,againembracingthehorse。
Clara,fascinatedbythebigbeast,wentuptostrokehisneck。
“He’squitegentle,“saidMissLimb。”Don’tyouthinkbig,fellowsare?”
“He’sabeauty!”repliedClara。
Shewantedtolookinhiseyes。Shewantedhimtolookather。
“It’sapityhecan’ttalk,“shesaid。
“Oh,buthecan——allbut,“repliedtheotherwoman。
Thenherbrothermovedonwiththehorse。
“Areyoucomingin?,DOcomein,Mr——Ididn’tcatchit。”
“Morel,“saidMiriam。”No,wewon’tcomein,butweshould,liketogobythemill-pond。”
“Yes——yes,do。Doyoufish,Mr。Morel?”
“No,“saidPaul。
“Becauseifyoudoyoumightcomeandfishanytime,“
saidMissLimb。”Wescarcelyseeasoulfromweek’sendtoweek’send。
Ishouldbethankful。”
“Whatfisharethereinthepond?”heasked。
Theywentthroughthefrontgarden,overthesluice,andupthesteepbanktothepond,whichlayinshadow,withits,twowoodedislets。PaulwalkedwithMissLimb。
“Ishouldn’tmindswimminghere,“hesaid。
“Do,“shereplied。”Comewhenyoulike。Mybrotherwillbe,awfullypleasedtotalkwithyou。Heissoquiet,becausethere,isnoonetotalkto。Docomeandswim。”
Claracameup。
“It’safinedepth,“shesaid,“andsoclear。”
“Yes,“saidMissLimb。
“Doyouswim?”saidPaul。”MissLimbwasjustsayingwecould,comewhenweliked。”
“Ofcoursethere’sthefarm-hands,“saidMissLimb。
Theytalkedafewmoments,thenwentonupthewildhill,leavingthelonely,haggard-eyedwomanonthebank。
Thehillsidewasallripewithsunshine。Itwaswildandtussocky,givenovertorabbits。Thethreewalkedinsilence。Then:
“Shemakesmefeeluncomfortable,“saidPaul。
“YoumeanMissLimb?”askedMiriam。”Yes。”
“What’samatterwithher?,Isshegoingdottywithbeing,toolonely?”
“Yes,“saidMiriam。”It’snottherightsortoflifeforher。
Ithinkit’scrueltoburyherthere。Ireallyoughttogoandsee,hermore。But——sheupsetsme。”
“Shemakesmefeelsorryforher——yes,andshebothersme,“
hesaid。
“Isuppose,“blurtedClarasuddenly,“shewantsaman。”
Theothertwoweresilentforafewmoments。
“Butit’sthelonelinesssendshercracked,“saidPaul。
Claradidnotanswer,butstrodeonuphill。Shewaswalking,withherhandhanging,herlegsswingingasshekickedthrough,thedeadthistlesandthetussockygrass,herarmshangingloose。
Ratherthanwalking,herhandsomebodyseemedtobeblunderingup,thehill。AhotwavewentoverPaul。Hewascuriousabouther。
Perhapslifehadbeencrueltoher。HeforgotMiriam,whowaswalking,besidehimtalkingtohim。Sheglancedathim,findinghedidnot,answerher。HiseyeswerefixedaheadonClara。
“Doyoustillthinksheisdisagreeable?”sheasked。
Hedidnotnoticethatthequestionwassudden。Itran,withhisthoughts。
“Something’sthematterwithher,“hesaid。
“Yes,“answeredMiriam。
Theyfoundatthetopofthehillahiddenwildfield,twosidesofwhichwerebackedbythewood,theothersidesbyhigh,loosehedgesofhawthornandelderbushes。Betweentheseovergrown,bushesweregapsthatthecattlemighthavewalkedthroughhad,therebeenanycattlenow。Theretheturfwassmoothasvelveteen,paddedandholedbytherabbits。Thefielditselfwascoarse,andcrowdedwithtall,bigcowslipsthathadneverbeencut。
Clustersofstrongflowersroseeverywhereabovethecoarse,tussocksofbent。Itwaslikearoadsteadcrowdedwithtan,fairyshipping。
“Ah!”criedMiriam,andshelookedatPaul,herdarkeyesdilating。
Hesmiled。Togethertheyenjoyedthefieldofflowers。Clara,alittlewayoff,waslookingatthecowslipsdisconsolately。
PaulandMiriamstayedclosetogether,talkinginsubduedtones。
Hekneeledononeknee,quicklygatheringthebestblossoms,movingfromtufttotuftrestlessly,talkingsoftlyallthetime。
Miriampluckedtheflowerslovingly,lingeringoverthem。
Healwaysseemedtohertooquickandalmostscientific。
Yethisbuncheshadanaturalbeautymorethanhers。
Helovedthem,butasiftheywerehisandhehadaright,tothem。Shehadmorereverenceforthem:
theyheldsomethingshehadnot。
Theflowerswereveryfreshandsweet。Hewantedtodrinkthem。
Ashegatheredthem,heatethelittleyellowtrumpets。
Clarawasstillwanderingaboutdisconsolately。Goingtowardsher,hesaid:
“Whydon’tyougetsome?”
“Idon’tbelieveinit。Theylookbettergrowing。”
“Butyou’dlikesome?”
“Theywanttobeleft。”
“Idon’tbelievetheydo。”
“Idon’twantthecorpsesofflowersaboutme,“shesaid。
“That’sastiff,artificialnotion,“hesaid。”Theydon’tdie,anyquickerinwaterthanontheirroots。Andbesides,theyLOOK
niceinabowl——theylookjolly。Andyouonlycallathingacorpse,becauseitlookscorpse-like。”
“Whetheritisoneornot?”sheargued。
“Itisn’tonetome。Adeadflowerisn’tacorpseofaflower。”
Claranowignoredhim。
“Andevenso——whatrighthaveyoutopullthem?”sheasked。
“BecauseIlikethem,andwantthem——andthere’splentyofthem。”
“Andthatissufficient?”
“Yes。Whynot?,I’msurethey’dsmellniceinyourroom,inNottingham。”
“AndIshouldhavethepleasureofwatchingthemdie。”
“Butthen——itdoesnotmatteriftheydodie。”
Whereuponhelefther,andwentstoopingovertheclumps,oftangledflowerswhichthicklysprinkledthefieldlikepale,luminousfoam-clots。Miriamhadcomeclose。Clarawaskneeling,breathingsomescentfromthecowslips。
“Ithink,“saidMiriam,“ifyoutreatthemwithreverenceyou,don’tdothemanyharm。Itisthespirityouplucktheminthatmatters。”
“Yes,“hesaid。”Butno,youget’embecauseyouwant’em,andthat’sall。”,Heheldouthisbunch。
Miriamwassilent。Hepickedsomemore。
“Lookatthese!”hecontinued;“sturdyandlustylikelittle,treesandlikeboyswithfatlegs。”
Clara’shatlayonthegrassnotfaroff。Shewaskneeling,bendingforwardstilltosmelltheflowers。Herneckgavehim,asharppang,suchabeautifulthing,yetnotproudofitself,justnow。Herbreastsswungslightlyinherblouse。Thearching,curveofherbackwasbeautifulandstrong;sheworenostays。
Suddenly,withoutknowing,hewasscatteringahandfulofcowslips,overherhairandneck,saying:
“Ashestoashes,anddusttodust,IftheLordwon’thaveyouthedevilmust。”
Thechillflowersfellonherneck。Shelookedupathim,withalmostpitiful,scaredgreyeyes,wonderingwhathewasdoing。
Flowersfellonherface,andsheshuthereyes。
Suddenly,standingthereaboveher,hefeltawkward。
“Ithoughtyouwantedafuneral,“hesaid,illatease。
Claralaughedstrangely,androse,pickingthecowslipsfrom,herhair。Shetookupherhatandpinnediton。Oneflowerhad,remainedtangledinherhair。Hesaw,butwouldnottellher。
Hegathereduptheflowershehadsprinkledoverher。
Attheedgeofthewoodthebluebellshadflowedoverintothe,fieldandstoodtherelikeflood-water。Buttheywerefadingnow。
Clarastrayeduptothem。Hewanderedafterher。Thebluebells,pleasedhim。
“Lookhowthey’vecomeoutofthewood!”hesaid。
Thensheturnedwithaflashofwarmthandofgratitude。
“Yes,“shesmiled。
Hisbloodbeatup。
“Itmakesmethinkofthewildmenofthewoods,howterrified,theywouldbewhentheygotbreasttobreastwiththeopenspace。”
“Doyouthinktheywere?”sheasked。
“Iwonderwhichwasmorefrightenedamongoldtribes——those,burstingoutoftheirdarknessofwoodsuponallthespaceoflight,orthosefromtheopentiptoeingintotheforests。”
“Ishouldthinkthesecond,“sheanswered。
“Yes,youDOfeellikeoneoftheopenspacesort,tryingto,forceyourselfintothedark,don’tyou?”
“HowshouldIknow?”sheansweredqueerly。
Theconversationendedthere。
Theeveningwasdeepeningovertheearth。Alreadythevalleywas,fullofshadow。OnetinysquareoflightstoodoppositeatCrossleigh,BankFarm。Brightnesswasswimmingonthetopsofthehills。
Miriamcameupslowly,herfaceinherbig,loosebunchofflowers,walkingankle-deepthroughthescatteredfrothofthecowslips。
Beyondherthetreeswerecomingintoshape,allshadow。
“Shallwego?”sheasked。
Andthethreeturnedaway。Theywereallsilent。
Goingdownthepaththeycouldseethelightofhomerightacross,andontheridgeofthehillathindarkoutlinewithlittlelights,wherethecollieryvillagetouchedthesky。
“Ithasbeennice,hasn’tit?”heasked。
Miriammurmuredassent。Clarawassilent。
“Don’tyouthinkso?”hepersisted。
Butshewalkedwithherheadup,andstilldidnotanswer。
Hecouldtellbythewayshemoved,asifshedidn’tcare,thatshesuffered。
AtthistimePaultookhismothertoLincoln。Shewasbright,andenthusiasticasever,butashesatoppositeherinthe,railwaycarriage,sheseemedtolookfrail。Hehadamomentary,sensationasifshewereslippingawayfromhim。Thenhe,wantedtogetholdofher,tofastenher,almosttochainher。
Hefelthemustkeepholdofherwithhishand。
Theydrewneartothecity。Bothwereatthewindowlooking,forthecathedral。
“Theresheis,mother!”hecried。
Theysawthegreatcathedrallyingcouchantabovetheplain。
“Ah!”sheexclaimed。”Sosheis!”
Helookedathismother。Herblueeyeswerewatchingthe,cathedralquietly。Sheseemedagaintobebeyondhim。Somethingin,theeternalreposeoftheupliftedcathedral,blueandnoble,againstthesky,wasreflectedinher,somethingofthefatality。
Whatwas,WAS。Withallhisyoungwillhecouldnotalterit。
Hesawherface,theskinstillfreshandpinkanddowny,butcrow’s-feetnearhereyes,hereyelidssteady,sinkingalittle,hermouthalwaysclosedwithdisillusion;andtherewasonherthesame,eternallook,asifsheknewfateatlast。Hebeatagainstit,withallthestrengthofhissoul。
“Look,mother,howbigsheisabovethetown!,Think,therearestreets,andstreetsbelowher!,Shelooksbiggerthanthecityaltogether。”
“Soshedoes!”exclaimedhismother,breakingbright,intolifeagain。Buthehadseenhersitting,lookingsteady,outofthewindowatthecathedral,herfaceandeyesfixed,reflectingtherelentlessnessoflife。Andthecrow’s-feetnear,hereyes,andhermouthshutsohard,madehimfeelhewouldgomad。
Theyateamealthatsheconsideredwildlyextravagant。
“Don’timagineIlikeit,“shesaid,assheatehercutlet。
“IDON’Tlikeit,Ireallydon’t!,JustTHINKofyourmoneywasted!”
“Younevermindmymoney,“hesaid。”YouforgetI’mafellow,takinghisgirlforanouting。”
Andheboughthersomeblueviolets。
“Stopitatonce,sir!”shecommanded。”HowcanIdoit?”
“You’vegotnothingtodo。Standstill!”
AndinthemiddleofHighStreethestucktheflowersinhercoat。
“Anoldthinglikeme!”shesaid,sniffing。
“Yousee,“hesaid,“Iwantpeopletothinkwe’reawfulswells。
Solookikey。”
“I’lljowlyourhead,“shelaughed。
“Strut!”hecommanded。”Beafantailpigeon。”
Ittookhimanhourtogetherthroughthestreet。Shestood,aboveGloryHole,shestoodbeforeStoneBow,shestoodeverywhere,andexclaimed。
Amancameup,tookoffhishat,andbowedtoher。
“CanIshowyouthetown,madam?”
“No,thankyou,“sheanswered。”I’vegotmyson。”
ThenPaulwascrosswithherfornotansweringwithmoredignity。
“Yougoawaywithyou!”sheexclaimed。”Ha!that’s,theJew’sHouse。Now,doyourememberthatlecture,Paul——?”
Butshecouldscarcelyclimbthecathedralhill。
Hedidnotnotice。Thensuddenlyhefoundherunabletospeak。
Hetookherintoalittlepublic-house,wheresherested。
“It’snothing,“shesaid。”Myheartisonlyabitold;
onemustexpectit。”
Hedidnotanswer,butlookedather。Againhisheartwas,crushedinahotgrip。Hewantedtocry,hewantedtosmashthings,infury。
Theysetoffagain,pacebypace,soslowly。Andevery,stepseemedlikeaweightonhischest。Hefeltasifhisheart,wouldburst。Atlasttheycametothetop。Shestoodenchanted,lookingatthecastlegate,lookingatthecathedralfront。
Shehadquiteforgottenherself。
“NowTHISisbetterthanIthoughtitcouldbe!”shecried。
Buthehatedit。Everywherehefollowedher,brooding。
Theysattogetherinthecathedral。Theyattendedalittleservice,inthechoir。Shewastimid。
“Isupposeitisopentoanybody?”sheaskedhim。
“Yes,“hereplied。”Doyouthinkthey’dhavethedamnedcheek,tosendusaway。”
“Well,I’msure,“sheexclaimed,“theywouldiftheyheard,yourlanguage。”
Herfaceseemedtoshineagainwithjoyandpeaceduring,theservice。Andallthetimehewaswantingtorageandsmash,thingsandcry。
Afterwards,whentheywereleaningoverthewall,lookingat,thetownbelow,heblurtedsuddenly:
“Whycan’tamanhaveaYOUNGmother?,Whatissheoldfor?”
“Well,“hismotherlaughed,“shecanscarcelyhelpit。”
“Andwhywasn’tItheoldestson?,Look——theysaytheyoung,oneshavetheadvantage——butlook,THEYhadtheyoungmother。
Youshouldhavehadmeforyoureldestson。”
“Ididn’tarrangeit,“sheremonstrated。”Cometoconsider,you’reasmuchtoblameasme。”
Heturnedonher,white,hiseyesfurious。
“Whatareyouoldfor!”hesaid,madwithhisimpotence。
“WHYcan’tyouwalk?,WHYcan’tyoucomewithmetoplaces?”
“Atonetime,“shereplied,“Icouldhaverunupthathill,agooddealbetterthanyou。”
“What’sthegoodofthattoME?”hecried,hittinghisfist,onthewall。Thenhebecameplaintive。”It’stoobadofyou,tobeill。Little,itis——“
“Ill!”shecried。”I’mabitold,andyou’llhavetoputup,withit,that’sall。”
Theywerequiet。Butitwasasmuchastheycouldbear。Theygot,jollyagainovertea。AstheysatbyBrayford,watchingtheboats,hetoldheraboutClara。Hismotheraskedhiminnumerablequestions。
“Thenwhodoesshelivewith?”
“Withhermother,onBluebellHill。”
“Andhavetheyenoughtokeepthem?”
“Idon’tthinkso。Ithinktheydolacework。”
“Andwhereinlieshercharm,myboy?”
“Idon’tknowthatshe’scharming,mother。Butshe’snice。
Andsheseemsstraight,youknow——notabitdeep,notabit。”
“Butshe’sagooddealolderthanyou。”
“She’sthirty,I’mgoingontwenty-three。”
“Youhaven’ttoldmewhatyoulikeherfor。”
“BecauseIdon’tknow——asortofdefiantwayshe’sgot——asort,ofangryway。”
Mrs。Morelconsidered。Shewouldhavebeengladnowforherson,tofallinlovewithsomewomanwhowould——shedidnotknowwhat。
Buthefrettedso,gotsofurioussuddenly,andagainwasmelancholic。
Shewishedheknewsomenicewoman——Shedidnotknowwhatshewished,butleftitvague。Atanyrate,shewasnothostiletotheidea,ofClara。
Annie,too,wasgettingmarried。Leonardhadgoneawaytowork,inBirmingham。Oneweek-endwhenhewashomeshehadsaidtohim:
“Youdon’tlookverywell,mylad。”
“Idunno,“hesaid。”Ifeelanyhowornohow,ma。”
Hecalledher“ma“alreadyinhisboyishfashion。
“Areyousurethey’regoodlodgings?”sheasked。
“Yes——yes。Only——it’sawinderwhenyouhavetopouryourown,teaout——an’nobodytogrouseifyouteamitinyoursaucerandsup,itup。Itsomehowtakesa’thetasteoutofit。”
Mrs。Morellaughed。
“Andsoitknocksyouup?”shesaid。
“Idunno。Iwanttogetmarried,“heblurted,twistinghis,fingersandlookingdownathisboots。Therewasasilence。
“But,“sheexclaimed,“Ithoughtyousaidyou’dwaitanotheryear。”
“Yes,Ididsayso,“herepliedstubbornly。
Againsheconsidered。
“Andyouknow,“shesaid,“Annie’sabitofaspendthrift。
She’ssavednomorethanelevenpounds。AndIknow,lad,youhaven’t,hadmuchchance。”
Hecoloureduptotheears。
“I’vegotthirty-threequid,“hesaid。
“Itdoesn’tgofar,“sheanswered。
Hesaidnothing,buttwistedhisfingers。
“Andyouknow,“shesaid,“I’venothing——“
“Ididn’twant,ma!”hecried,veryred,sufferingandremonstrating。
“No,mylad,Iknow。IwasonlywishingIhad。Andtakeaway,fivepoundsfortheweddingandthings——itleavestwenty-ninepounds。
Youwon’tdomuchonthat。”
Hetwistedstill,impotent,stubborn,notlookingup。
“Butdoyoureallywanttogetmarried?”sheasked。”Doyou,feelasifyouought?”
Hegaveheronestraightlookfromhisblueeyes。
“Yes,“hesaid。
“Then,“shereplied,“wemustalldothebestwecanforit,lad。”
Thenexttimehelookedupthereweretearsinhiseyes。
“Idon’twantAnnietofeelhandicapped,“hesaid,struggling。
“Mylad,“shesaid,“you’resteady——you’vegotadecentplace。
IfamanhadNEEDEDmeI’dhavemarriedhimonhislastweek’swages。
Shemayfinditabithardtostarthumbly。YounggirlsARElikethat。
Theylookforwardtothefinehometheythinkthey’llhave。
ButIhadexpensivefurniture。It’snoteverything。”
Sotheweddingtookplacealmostimmediately。Arthurcamehome,andwassplendidinuniform。Annielookedniceinadove-grey,dressthatshecouldtakeforSundays。Morelcalledherafool,forgettingmarried,andwascoolwithhisson-in-law。Mrs。Morel,hadwhitetipsinherbonnet,andsomewhiteonherblouse,andwasteasedbybothhersonsforfancyingherselfsogrand。
Leonardwasjollyandcordial,andfeltafearfulfool。Paulcould,notquiteseewhatAnniewantedtogetmarriedfor。Hewasfondofher,andsheofhim。Still,hehopedratherlugubriouslythatitwould,turnoutallright。Arthurwasastonishinglyhandsomeinhisscarlet,andyellow,andheknewitwell,butwassecretlyashamedoftheuniform。
Anniecriedhereyesupinthekitchen,onleavinghermother。
Mrs。Morelcriedalittle,thenpattedheronthebackandsaid:
“Butdon’tcry,child,he’llbegoodtoyou。”
Morelstampedandsaidshewasafooltogoandtieherselfup。
Leonardlookedwhiteandoverwrought。Mrs。Morelsaidtohim:
“Is’lltrusthertoyou,mylad,andholdyouresponsible,forher。”
“Youcan,“hesaid,nearlydeadwiththeordeal。Andit,wasallover。
WhenMorelandArthurwereinbed,Paulsattalking,ashe,oftendid,withhismother。
“You’renotsorryshe’smarried,mother,areyou?”heasked。
“I’mnotsorryshe’smarried——but——itseemsstrangethatshe,shouldgofromme。Itevenseemstomehardthatshecanprefer,togowithherLeonard。That’showmothersare——Iknowit’ssilly。”
“Andshallyoubemiserableabouther?”
“WhenIthinkofmyownweddingday,“hismotheranswered,“Icanonlyhopeherlifewillbedifferent。”
“Butyoucantrusthimtobegoodtoher?”
“Yes,yes。Theysayhe’snotgoodenoughforher。ButIsay,ifamanisGENUINE,asheis,andagirlisfondofhim——then——it,shouldbeallright。He’sasgoodasshe。”
“Soyoudon’tmind?”
“IwouldNEVERhaveletadaughterofminemarryamanIdidn’t,FEELtobegenuinethroughandthrough。Andyet,there’sagap,nowshe’sgone。”
Theywerebothmiserable,andwantedherbackagain。
ItseemedtoPaulhismotherlookedlonely,inhernewblacksilk,blousewithitsbitofwhitetrimming。
“Atanyrate,mother,Is’llnevermarry,“hesaid。
“Ay,theyallsaythat,mylad。You’venotmettheoneyet。
Onlywaitayearortwo。”
“ButIshan’tmarry,mother。Ishalllivewithyou,andwe’ll,haveaservant。”
“Ay,mylad,it’seasytotalk。We’llseewhenthetimecomes。”
“Whattime?,I’mnearlytwenty-three。”
“Yes,you’renotonethatwouldmarryyoung。Butin,threeyears’time——“
“Ishallbewithyoujustthesame。”
“We’llsee,myboy,we’llsee。”
“Butyoudon’twantmetomarry?”
“Ishouldn’tliketothinkofyougoingthroughyourlife,withoutanybodytocareforyouanddo——no。”
“AndyouthinkIoughttomarry?”
“Soonerorlatereverymanought。”
“Butyou’dratheritwerelater。”
“Itwouldbehard——andveryhard。It’sastheysay:
“’Ason’smysontillhetakeshimawife,Butmydaughter’smydaughterthewholeofherlife。’“
“AndyouthinkI’dletawifetakemefromyou?”
“Well,youwouldn’taskhertomarryyourmotheraswellasyou,“
Mrs。Morelsmiled。
“Shecoulddowhatsheliked;shewouldn’thavetointerfere。”
“Shewouldn’t——tillshe’dgotyou——andthenyou’dsee。”
“Ineverwillsee。I’llnevermarrywhileI’vegotyou——Iwon’t。”
“ButIshouldn’tliketoleaveyouwithnobody,myboy,“
shecried。
“You’renotgoingtoleaveme。Whatareyou?,Fifty-three!,I’ll,giveyoutillseventy-five。Thereyouare,I’mfatandforty-four。
ThenI’llmarryastaidbody。See!”
Hismothersatandlaughed。
“Gotobed,“shesaid——“gotobed。”
“Andwe’llhaveaprettyhouse,youandme,andaservant,andit’llbejustallright。Is’llperhapsberichwithmypainting。”
“Willyougotobed!”
“Andthenyous’llhaveapony-carriage。Seeyourself——alittle,QueenVictoriatrottinground。”
“Itellyoutogotobed,“shelaughed。
Hekissedherandwent。Hisplansforthefuturewerealways,thesame。
Mrs。Morelsatbrooding——aboutherdaughter,aboutPaul,aboutArthur。ShefrettedatlosingAnnie。Thefamilywasvery,closelybound。AndshefeltsheMUSTlivenow,tobewithher,children。Lifewassorichforher。Paulwantedher,andsodidArthur。
Arthurneverknewhowdeeplyhelovedher。Hewasacreature,ofthemoment。Neveryethadhebeenforcedtorealisehimself。
Thearmyhaddisciplinedhisbody,butnothissoul。Hewasin,perfecthealthandveryhandsome。Hisdark,vigoroushairsatclose,tohissmallishhead。Therewassomethingchildishabouthisnose,somethingalmostgirlishabouthisdarkblueeyes。Buthehadthefun,redmouthofamanunderhisbrownmoustache,andhisjawwasstrong。
Itwashisfather’smouth;itwasthenoseandeyesofherownmother’s,people——good-looking,weak-principledfolk。Mrs。Morelwasanxious,abouthim。Oncehehadreallyruntherighewassafe。Buthowfar,wouldhego?
Thearmyhadnotreallydonehimanygood。Heresented,bitterlytheauthorityoftheofficers。Hehatedhavingtoobey,asifhewereananimal。Buthehadtoomuchsensetokick。
Soheturnedhisattentiontogettingthebestoutofit。
Hecouldsing,hewasaboon-companion。Oftenhegotintoscrapes,buttheywerethemanlyscrapesthatareeasilycondoned。Sohemade,agoodtimeoutofit,whilsthisself-respectwasinsuppression。
Hetrustedtohisgoodlooksandhandsomefigure,hisrefinement,hisdecenteducationtogethimmostofwhathewanted,andhe,wasnotdisappointed。Yethewasrestless。Somethingseemed,tognawhiminside。Hewasneverstill,hewasneveralone。
Withhismotherhewasratherhumble。Paulheadmiredandloved,anddespisedslightly。AndPauladmiredandlovedanddespised,himslightly。
Mrs。Morelhadhadafewpoundslefttoherbyherfather,andshedecidedtobuyhersonoutofthearmy。Hewaswildwithjoy。
Nowhewaslikealadtakingaholiday。
HehadalwaysbeenfondofBeatriceWyld,andduringhisfurlough,hepickedupwithheragain。Shewasstrongerandbetterinhealth。
Thetwooftenwentlongwalkstogether,Arthurtakingherarm,insoldier’sfashion,ratherstiffly。Andshecametoplaythe,pianowhilsthesang。ThenArthurwouldunhookhistuniccollar。
Hegrewflushed,hiseyeswerebright,hesanginamanlytenor。
Afterwardstheysattogetheronthesofa。Heseemedtoflaunt,hisbody:,shewasawareofhimso——thestrongchest,thesides,thethighsintheirclose-fittingtrousers。
Helikedtolapseintothedialectwhenhetalkedtoher。
Shewouldsometimessmokewithhim。Occasionallyshe,wouldonlytakeafewwhiffsathiscigarette。
“Nay,“hesaidtoheroneevening,whenshereached,forhiscigarette。”Nay,thadoesna。I’llgi’etheeasmoke,kissifter’samind。”
“Iwantedawhiff,nokissatall,“sheanswered。
“Well,an’thas’ltha’eawhiff,“hesaid,“alongwi’t’kiss。”
“Iwantadrawatthyfag,“shecried,snatchingforthe,cigarettebetweenhislips。
Hewassittingwithhisshouldertouchingher。Shewassmall,andquickaslightning。Hejustescaped。
“I’llgi’etheeasmokekiss,“hesaid。
“Tha’rtakniveynuisance,ArtyMorel,“shesaid,sittingback。
“Ha’easmokekiss?”
Thesoldierleanedforwardtoher,smiling。Hisfacewas,nearhers。
“Shonna!”shereplied,turningawayherhead。
Hetookadrawathiscigarette,andpurseduphismouth,andputhislipsclosetoher。Hisdark-browncroppedmoustache,stoodoutlikeabrush。Shelookedatthepuckeredcrimsonlips,thensuddenlysnatchedthecigarettefromhisfingersanddartedaway。
He,leapingafterher,seizedthecombfromherbackhair。Sheturned,threwthecigaretteathim。Hepickeditup,putitinhismouth,andsatdown。
“Nuisance!”shecried。”Givememycomb!”
Shewasafraidthatherhair,speciallydoneforhim,wouldcomedown。Shestoodwithherhandstoherhead。Hehid,thecombbetweenhisknees。
“I’venongotit,“hesaid。
Thecigarettetrembledbetweenhislipswithlaughterashespoke。
“Liar!”shesaid。
“’StrueasI’mhere!”helaughed,showinghishands。
“Youbrazenimp!”sheexclaimed,rushingandscufflingfor,thecomb,whichhehadunderhisknees。Asshewrestledwithhim,pullingathissmooth,tight-coveredknees,helaughedtillhe,laybackonthesofashakingwithlaughter。Thecigarettefell,fromhismouthalmostsingeinghisthroat。Underhisdelicatetan,thebloodflushedup,andhelaughedtillhisblueeyeswereblinded,histhroatswollenalmosttochoking。Thenhesatup。Beatricewas,puttinginhercomb。
“Thatickledme,Beat,“hesaidthickly。
Likeaflashhersmallwhitehandwentoutandsmackedhisface。
Hestartedup,glaringather。Theystaredateachother。
Slowlytheflushmountedhercheek,shedroppedhereyes,thenherhead。
Hesatdownsulkily。Shewentintothescullerytoadjustherhair。
Inprivatetheresheshedafewtears,shedidnotknowwhatfor。
Whenshereturnedshewaspursedupclose。Butitwasonlyafilm,overherfire。He,withruffledhair,wassulkinguponthesofa。
Shesatdownopposite,inthearmchair,andneitherspoke。
Theclocktickedinthesilencelikeblows。
“Youarealittlecat,Beat,“hesaidatlength,halfapologetically。
“Well,youshouldn’tbebrazen,“shereplied。
Therewasagainalongsilence。Hewhistledtohimself,likeamanmuchagitatedbutdefiant。Suddenlyshewentacross,tohimandkissedhim。
“Didit,porefing!”shemocked。
Heliftedhisface,smilingcuriously。
“Kiss?”heinvitedher。
“Daren’tI?”sheasked。
“Goon!”hechallenged,hismouthliftedtoher。
Deliberately,andwithapeculiarquiveringsmilethat,seemedtooverspreadherwholebody,sheputhermouthonhis。
Immediatelyhisarmsfoldedroundher。Assoonasthelongkisswas,finishedshedrewbackherheadfromhim,putherdelicatefingers,onhisneck,throughtheopencollar。Thensheclosedhereyes,givingherselfupagaininakiss。
Sheactedofherownfreewill。Whatshewoulddoshedid,andmadenobodyresponsible。
Paulfeltlifechangingaroundhim。Theconditionsofyouth,weregone。Nowitwasahomeofgrown-uppeople。Anniewas,amarriedwoman,Arthurwasfollowinghisownpleasureinaway,unknowntohisfolk。Forsolongtheyhadalllivedathome,andgoneouttopasstheirtime。Butnow,forAnnieandArthur,lifelayoutsidetheirmother’shouse。Theycamehomeforholiday,andforrest。Sotherewasthatstrange,half-emptyfeelingabout,thehouse,asifthebirdshadflown。Paulbecamemoreandmore,unsettled。AnnieandArthurhadgone。Hewasrestlesstofollow。
Yethomewasforhimbesidehismother。Andstilltherewas,somethingelse,somethingoutside,somethinghewanted。
Hegrewmoreandmorerestless。Miriamdidnotsatisfyhim。
Hisoldmaddesiretobewithhergrewweaker。Sometimeshemet,ClarainNottingham,sometimeshewenttomeetingswithher,sometimeshesawheratWilleyFarm。Butontheselastoccasions,thesituationbecamestrained。Therewasatriangleofantagonism,betweenPaulandClaraandMiriam。WithClarahetookonasmart,worldly,mockingtoneveryantagonistictoMiriam。Itdidnot,matterwhatwentbefore。Shemightbeintimateandsadwithhim。
ThenassoonasClaraappeared,itallvanished,andheplayedto,thenewcomer。
Miriamhadonebeautifuleveningwithhiminthehay。
Hehadbeenonthehorse-rake,andhavingfinished,cametohelp,hertoputthehayincocks。Thenhetalkedtoherofhishopes,anddespairs,andhiswholesoulseemedtoliebarebeforeher。
Shefeltasifshewatchedtheveryquiveringstuffoflifeinhim。
Themooncameout:,theywalkedhometogether:,heseemedtohave,cometoherbecauseheneededhersobadly,andshelistenedtohim,gavehimallherloveandherfaith。Itseemedtoherhebrought,herthebestofhimselftokeep,andthatshewouldguarditall,herlife。Nay,theskydidnotcherishthestarsmoresurelyand,eternallythanshewouldguardthegoodinthesoulofPaulMorel。
Shewentonhomealone,feelingexalted,gladinherfaith。
Andthen,thenextday,Claracame。Theyweretohavetea,inthehayfield。Miriamwatchedtheeveningdrawingtogold,andshadow。AndallthetimePaulwassportingwithClara。
Hemadehigherandhigherheapsofhaythattheywerejumpingover。
Miriamdidnotcareforthegame,andstoodaside。EdgarandGeoffrey,andMauriceandClaraandPauljumped。Paulwon,becausehe,waslight。Clara’sbloodwasroused。ShecouldrunlikeanAmazon。
Paullovedthedeterminedwaysherushedatthehay-cockandleaped,landedontheotherside,herbreastsshaken,herthickhair,comeundone。
“Youtouched!”hecried。”Youtouched!”
“No!”sheflashed,turningtoEdgar。”Ididn’ttouch,didI?
Wasn’tIclear?”
“Icouldn’tsay,“laughedEdgar。
Noneofthemcouldsay。
“Butyoutouched,“saidPaul。”You’rebeaten。”
“IdidNOTtouch!”shecried。
“Asplainasanything,“saidPaul。
“Boxhisearsforme!”shecriedtoEdgar。
“Nay,“Edgarlaughed。”Idaren’t。Youmustdoityourself。”
“Andnothingcanalterthefactthatyoutouched,“laughedPaul。
Shewasfuriouswithhim。Herlittletriumphbeforethese,ladsandmenwasgone。Shehadforgottenherselfinthegame。
Nowhewastohumbleher。
“Ithinkyouaredespicable!”shesaid。
Andagainhelaughed,inawaythattorturedMiriam。
“AndIKNEWyoucouldn’tjumpthatheap,“heteased。
Sheturnedherbackonhim。Yeteverybodycouldseethat,theonlypersonshelistenedto,orwasconsciousof,washe,andheofher。Itpleasedthementoseethisbattlebetweenthem。
ButMiriamwastortured。
Paulcouldchoosethelesserinplaceofthehigher,shesaw。
Hecouldbeunfaithfultohimself,unfaithfultothereal,deepPaulMorel。Therewasadangerofhisbecomingfrivolous,ofhis,runningafterhissatisfactionlikeanyArthur,orlikehisfather。
ItmadeMiriambittertothinkthatheshouldthrowawayhissoul,forthisflippanttrafficoftrivialitywithClara。Shewalked,inbitternessandsilence,whiletheothertworalliedeachother,andPaulsported。
Andafterwards,hewouldnotownit,buthewasrather,ashamedofhimself,andprostratedhimselfbeforeMiriam。
Thenagainherebelled。
“It’snotreligioustobereligious,“hesaid。”Ireckon,acrowisreligiouswhenitsailsacrossthesky。Butitonly,doesitbecauseitfeelsitselfcarriedtowhereit’sgoing,notbecauseitthinksitisbeingeternal。”
ButMiriamknewthatoneshouldbereligiousineverything,haveGod,whateverGodmightbe,presentineverything。
“Idon’tbelieveGodknowssuchalotaboutHimself,“
hecried。”Goddoesn’tKNOWthings,HeISthings。
AndI’msureHe’snotsoulful。”
AndthenitseemedtoherthatPaulwasarguingGodontohis,ownside,becausehewantedhisownwayandhisownpleasure。
Therewasalongbattlebetweenhimandher。Hewasutterly,unfaithfultohereveninherownpresence;thenhewasashamed,thenrepentant;thenhehatedher,andwentoffagain。Thosewere,theever-recurringconditions。
Shefrettedhimtothebottomofhissoul。Thereshe,remained——sad,pensive,aworshipper。Andhecausedhersorrow。
Halfthetimehegrievedforher,halfthetimehehatedher。
Shewashisconscience;andhefelt,somehow,hehadgotaconscience,thatwastoomuchforhim。Hecouldnotleaveher,becauseinone,wayshedidholdthebestofhim。Hecouldnotstaywithher,becauseshedidnottaketherestofhim,whichwasthree-quarters。
Sohechafedhimselfintorawnessoverher。
Whenshewastwenty-onehewroteheraletterwhichcould,onlyhavebeenwrittentoher。
“MayIspeakofourold,wornlove,thislasttime。It,too,ischanging,isitnot?,Say,hasnotthebodyofthatlovedied,andleftyouitsinvulnerablesoul?,Yousee,Icangiveyou,aspiritlove,Ihavegivenityouthislong,longtime;butnot,embodiedpassion。See,youareanun。IhavegivenyouwhatI
wouldgiveaholynun——asamysticmonktoamysticnun。Surelyyou,esteemitbest。Yetyouregret——no,haveregretted——theother。
Inallourrelationsnobodyenters。Idonottalktoyouthrough,thesenses——ratherthroughthespirit。Thatiswhywecannotlove,inthecommonsense。Oursisnotaneverydayaffection。Asyetwe,aremortal,andtolivesidebysidewithoneanotherwouldbedreadful,forsomehowwithyouIcannotlongbetrivial,and,youknow,tobealwaysbeyondthismortalstatewouldbetoloseit。
Ifpeoplemarry,theymustlivetogetherasaffectionatehumans,whomaybecommonplacewitheachotherwithoutfeelingawkward——not,astwosouls。SoIfeelit。
“OughtItosendthisletter?——Idoubtit。Butthere——it,isbesttounderstand。Aurevoir。”
Miriamreadthislettertwice,afterwhichshesealeditup。
Ayearlatershebrokethesealtoshowhermothertheletter。
“Youareanun——youareanun。”,Thewordswentintoherheart,againandagain。Nothingheeverhadsaidhadgoneintoher,sodeeply,fixedly,likeamortalwound。
Sheansweredhimtwodaysaftertheparty。
“’Ourintimacywouldhavebeenall-beautifulbutforone,littlemistake,’“shequoted。”Wasthemistakemine?”
AlmostimmediatelyherepliedtoherfromNottingham,sendingheratthesametimealittle“OmarKhayyam。”
“Iamgladyouanswered;youaresocalmandnaturalyouput,metoshame。WhataranterIam!,Weareoftenoutofsympathy。
ButinfundamentalswemayalwaysbetogetherIthink。
“Imustthankyouforyoursympathywithmypaintinganddrawing。
Manyasketchisdedicatedtoyou。Idolookforwardtoyourcriticisms,which,tomyshameandglory,arealwaysgrandappreciations。
Itisalovelyjoke,that。Aurevoir。”
ThiswastheendofthefirstphaseofPaul’sloveaffair。
Hewasnowabouttwenty-threeyearsold,and,thoughstillvirgin,thesexinstinctthatMiriamhadover-refinedforsolongnow,grewparticularlystrong。Often,ashetalkedtoClaraDawes,camethatthickeningandquickeningofhisblood,thatpeculiar,concentrationinthebreast,asifsomethingwerealivethere,anewselforanewcentreofconsciousness,warninghimthat,soonerorlaterhewouldhavetoaskonewomanoranother。Buthe,belongedtoMiriam。Ofthatshewassofixedlysurethatheallowed,herright。
第10章