Itseemstomeridiculous。Iwonderwhyyoudidn’tpass。”
“Shortofbrains,eh,’Postle?”saidBeatricebriefly。
“Onlybrainstobitewith,“repliedPaul,laughing。
“Nuisance!”shecried;and,springingfromherseat,sherushedandboxedhisears。Shehadbeautifulsmallhands。
Heheldherwristswhileshewrestledwithhim。Atlastshe,brokefree,andseizedtwohandfulsofhisthick,darkbrownhair,whichsheshook。
“Beat!”hesaid,ashepulledhishairstraightwithhisfingers。
“Ihateyou!”
Shelaughedwithglee。
“Mind!”shesaid。”Iwanttositnexttoyou。”
“I’dasliefbeneighbourswithavixen,“hesaid,neverthelessmakingplaceforherbetweenhimandMiriam。
“Diditrufflehisprettyhair,then!”shecried;and,withher,hair-comb,shecombedhimstraight。”Andhisnicelittlemoustache!”
sheexclaimed。Shetiltedhisheadbackandcombedhisyoungmoustache。
“It’sawickedmoustache,’Postle,“shesaid。”It’saredfordanger。
Haveyougotanyofthosecigarettes?”
Hepulledhiscigarette-casefromhispocket。Beatricelooked,insideit。
“AndfancymehavingConnie’slastcig。”saidBeatrice,puttingthethingbetweenherteeth。Heheldalitmatchtoher,andshepuffeddaintily。
“Thankssomuch,darling,“shesaidmockingly。
Itgaveherawickeddelight。
“Don’tyouthinkhedoesitnicely,Miriam?”sheasked。
“Oh,very!”saidMiriam。
Hetookacigaretteforhimself。
“Light,oldboy?”saidBeatrice,tiltinghercigaretteathim。
Hebentforwardtohertolighthiscigaretteathers。
Shewaswinkingathimashedidso。Miriamsawhiseyestrembling,withmischief,andhisfull,almostsensual,mouthquivering。
Hewasnothimself,andshecouldnotbearit。Ashewasnow,shehadnoconnectionwithhim;shemightaswellnothaveexisted。
Shesawthecigarettedancingonhisfullredlips。Shehatedhisthick,hairforbeingtumbledlooseonhisforehead。
“Sweetboy!”saidBeatrice,tippinguphischinandgiving,himalittlekissonthecheek。
“Is’llkisstheeback,Beat,“hesaid。
“Thawunna!”shegiggled,jumpingupandgoingaway。
“Isn’theshameless,Miriam?”
“Quite,“saidMiriam。”Bytheway,aren’tyouforgetting,thebread?”
“ByJove!”hecried,flingingopentheovendoor。
Outpuffedthebluishsmokeandasmellofburnedbread。
“Oh,golly!”criedBeatrice,comingtohisside。Hecrouched,beforetheoven,shepeeredoverhisshoulder。”Thisiswhatcomes,oftheoblivionoflove,myboy。”
Paulwasruefullyremovingtheloaves。Onewasburntblack,onthehotside;anotherwashardasabrick。
“Poormater!”saidPaul。
“Youwanttograteit,“saidBeatrice。”Fetchmethenutmeg-grater。”
Shearrangedthebreadintheoven。Hebroughtthegrater,andshegratedthebreadontoanewspaperonthetable。
Hesetthedoorsopentoblowawaythesmellofburnedbread。
Beatricegratedaway,puffinghercigarette,knockingthecharcoaloff,thepoorloaf。
“Myword,Miriam!you’reinforitthistime,“saidBeatrice。
“I!”exclaimedMiriaminamazement。
“You’dbetterbegonewhenhismothercomesin。Iknowwhy,KingAlfredburnedthecakes。NowIseeit!,’Postlewouldfixup,ataleabouthisworkmakinghimforget,ifhethoughtitwouldwash。
Ifthatoldwomanhadcomeinabitsooner,she’dhaveboxedthe,brazenthing’searswhomadetheoblivion,insteadofpoorAlfred’s。”
Shegiggledasshescrapedtheloaf。EvenMiriamlaughed,inspiteofherself。Paulmendedthefireruefully。
Thegardengatewasheardtobang。
“Quick!”criedBeatrice,givingPaulthescrapedloaf。
“Wrapitupinadamptowel。”
Pauldisappearedintothescullery。Beatricehastily,blewherscrapingsintothefire,andsatdowninnocently。
Anniecameburstingin。Shewasanabrupt,quitesmartyoungwoman。
Sheblinkedinthestronglight。
“Smellofburning!”sheexclaimed。
“It’sthecigarettes,“repliedBeatricedemurely。
“Where’sPaul?”
LeonardhadfollowedAnnie。Hehadalongcomicface,andblueeyes,verysad。
“Isupposehe’sleftyoutosettleitbetweenyou,“hesaid。
HenoddedsympatheticallytoMiriam,andbecamegentlysarcastic,toBeatrice。
“No,“saidBeatrice,“he’sgoneoffwithnumbernine。”
“Ijustmetnumberfiveinquiringforhim,“saidLeonard。
“Yes——we’regoingtosharehimuplikeSolomon’sbaby,“
saidBeatrice。
Annielaughed。
“Oh,ay,“saidLeonard。”Andwhichbitshouldyouhave?”
“Idon’tknow,“saidBeatrice。”I’llletalltheothers,pickfirst。”
“An’you’dhavetheleavings,like?”saidLeonard,twistingup,acomicface。
Anniewaslookingintheoven。Miriamsatignored。
Paulentered。
“Thisbread’safinesight,ourPaul,“saidAnnie。
“Thenyoushouldstopan’lookafterit,“saidPaul。
“YoumeanYOUshoulddowhatyou’rereckoningtodo,“
repliedAnnie。
“Heshould,shouldn’the!”criedBeatrice。
“Is’dthinkhe’dgotplentyonhand,“saidLeonard。
“Youhadanastywalk,didn’tyou,Miriam?”saidAnnie。
“Yes——butI’dbeeninallweek——“
“Andyouwantedabitofachange,like,“insinuatedLeonardkindly。
“Well,youcan’tbestuckinthehouseforever,“Annieagreed。
Shewasquiteamiable。Beatricepulledonhercoat,andwentout,withLeonardandAnnie。Shewouldmeetherownboy。
“Don’tforgetthatbread,ourPaul,“criedAnnie。
“Good-night,Miriam。Idon’tthinkitwillrain。”
Whentheyhadallgone,Paulfetchedtheswathedloaf,unwrappedit,andsurveyeditsadly。
“It’samess!”hesaid。
“But,“answeredMiriamimpatiently,“whatisit,afterall——twopence,ha’penny。”
“Yes,but——it’sthemater’spreciousbaking,andshe’lltake,ittoheart。However,it’snogoodbothering。”
Hetooktheloafbackintothescullery。Therewasalittle,distancebetweenhimandMiriam。Hestoodbalancedoppositeherfor,somemomentsconsidering,thinkingofhisbehaviourwithBeatrice。
Hefeltguiltyinsidehimself,andyetglad。Forsomeinscrutable,reasonitservedMiriamright。Hewasnotgoingtorepent。
Shewonderedwhathewasthinkingofashestoodsuspended。
Histhickhairwastumbledoverhisforehead。Whymightshenot,pushitbackforhim,andremovethemarksofBeatrice’scomb?
Whymightshenotpresshisbodywithhertwohands。Itlooked,sofirm,andeverywhitliving。Andhewouldletothergirls,whynother?
Suddenlyhestartedintolife。Itmadeherquiveralmost,withterrorashequicklypushedthehairoffhisforeheadandcame,towardsher。
“Half-pasteight!”hesaid。”We’dbetterbuckup。
Where’syourFrench?”
Miriamshylyandratherbitterlyproducedherexercise-book。
Everyweekshewroteforhimasortofdiaryofherinnerlife,inherownFrench。Hehadfoundthiswastheonlywaytogether,todocompositions。Andherdiarywasmostlyalove-letter。He,wouldreaditnow;shefeltasifhersoul’shistoryweregoing,tobedesecratedbyhiminhispresentmood。Hesatbesideher。
Shewatchedhishand,firmandwarm,rigorouslyscoringherwork。
HewasreadingonlytheFrench,ignoringhersoulthatwasthere。
Butgraduallyhishandforgotitswork。Hereadinsilence,motionless。
Shequivered。
“’Cematinlesoiseauxm’onteveille,’“heread。”’Ilfaisait,encoreuncrepuscule。Maislapetitefenetredemachambreetaitbleme,etpuis,jaune,ettouslesoiseauxduboiseclaterentdansunchanson,vifetresonnant。Toutel’aubetressaillit。J’avaisrevedevous。
Est-cequevousvoyezaussil’aube?,Lesoiseauxm’eveillentpresque,touslesmatins,ettoujoursilyaquelquechosedeterreurdans,lecridesgrives。Ilestsiclair——’“
Miriamsattremulous,halfashamed。Heremainedquitestill,tryingtounderstand。Heonlyknewshelovedhim。Hewasafraid,ofherloveforhim。Itwastoogoodforhim,andhewasinadequate。
Hisownlovewasatfault,nothers。Ashamed,hecorrectedherwork,humblywritingaboveherwords。
“Look,“hesaidquietly,“thepastparticipleconjugated,withavoiragreeswiththedirectobjectwhenitprecedes。”
Shebentforward,tryingtoseeandtounderstand。Herfree,finecurlstickledhisface。Hestartedasiftheyhadbeenredhot,shuddering。Hesawherpeeringforwardatthepage,herredlipsparted,piteously,theblackhairspringinginfinestrandsacrosshertawny,ruddycheek。Shewascolouredlikeapomegranateforrichness。
Hisbreathcameshortashewatchedher。Suddenlyshelookedupathim。
Herdarkeyeswerenakedwiththeirlove,afraid,andyearning。
Hiseyes,too,weredark,andtheyhurther。Theyseemedtomasterher。
Shelostallherself-control,wasexposedinfear。Andheknew,beforehecouldkissher,hemustdrivesomethingoutofhimself。
Andatouchofhateforhercreptbackagainintohisheart。
Hereturnedtoherexercise。
Suddenlyheflungdownthepencil,andwasattheoven,inaleap,turningthebread。ForMiriamhewastooquick。
Shestartedviolently,andithurtherwithrealpain。Eventheway,hecrouchedbeforetheovenhurther。Thereseemedtobesomething,cruelinit,somethingcruelintheswiftwayhepitchedthebread,outofthetins,caughtitupagain。Ifonlyhehadbeengentle,inhismovementsshewouldhavefeltsorichandwarm。Asitwas,shewashurt。
Hereturnedandfinishedtheexercise。
“You’vedonewellthisweek,“hesaid。
Shesawhewasflatteredbyherdiary。Itdidnotrepay,herentirely。
“Youreallydoblossomoutsometimes,“hesaid。”Youought,towritepoetry。”
Sheliftedherheadwithjoy,thensheshookitmistrustfully。
“Idon’ttrustmyself,“shesaid。
“Youshouldtry!”
Againsheshookherhead。
“Shallweread,orisittoolate?”heasked。
“Itislate——butwecanreadjustalittle,“shepleaded。
Shewasreallygettingnowthefoodforherlifeduring,thenextweek。HemadehercopyBaudelaire’s“LeBalcon“。Thenhe,readitforher。Hisvoicewassoftandcaressing,butgrowing,almostbrutal。Hehadawayofliftinghislipsandshowing,histeeth,passionatelyandbitterly,whenhewasmuchmoved。
Thishedidnow。ItmadeMiriamfeelasifheweretramplingonher。
Shedarednotlookathim,butsatwithherheadbowed。Shecould,notunderstandwhyhegotintosuchatumultandfury。Itmadeherwretched。
ShedidnotlikeBaudelaire,onthewhole——norVerlaine。
“Beholdhersinginginthefield,Yonsolitaryhighlandlass。”
Thatnourishedherheart。Sodid“FairInes“。And——
“Itwasabeauteousevening,calmandpure,Andbreathingholyquietlikeanun。”
Thesewerelikeherself。Andtherewashe,sayinginhis,throatbitterly:
“Tuterappelleraslabeautedescaresses。”
Thepoemwasfinished;hetookthebreadoutoftheoven,arrangingtheburntloavesatthebottomofthepanchion,thegoodonesatthetop。Thedesiccatedloafremainedswathed,upinthescullery。
“Materneedn’tknowtillmorning,“hesaid。”Itwon’tupset,hersomuchthenasatnight。”
Miriamlookedinthebookcase,sawwhatpostcardsandletters,hehadreceived,sawwhatbookswerethere。Shetookonethathad,interestedhim。Thenheturneddownthegasandtheysetoff。
Hedidnottroubletolockthedoor。
Hewasnothomeagainuntilaquartertoeleven。Hismother,wasseatedintherocking-chair。Annie,witharopeofhairhanging,downherback,remainedsittingonalowstoolbeforethefire,herelbowsonherknees,gloomily。Onthetablestoodtheoffending,loafunswathed。Paulenteredratherbreathless。Noonespoke。
Hismotherwasreadingthelittlelocalnewspaper。Hetookoff,hiscoat,andwenttositdownonthesofa。Hismothermovedcurtly,asidetolethimpass。Noonespoke。Hewasveryuncomfortable。
Forsomeminuteshesatpretendingtoreadapieceofpaperhefoundon,thetable。Then——
“Iforgotthatbread,mother,“hesaid。
Therewasnoanswerfromeitherwoman。
“Well,“hesaid,“it’sonlytwopenceha’penny。Icanpayyou,forthat。”
Beingangry,heputthreepenniesonthetableandslid,themtowardshismother。Sheturnedawayherhead。Hermouth,wasshuttightly。
“Yes,“saidAnnie,“youdon’tknowhowbadlymymotheris!”
Thegirlsatstaringglumlyintothefire。
“Whyisshebadly?”askedPaul,inhisoverbearingway。
“Well!”saidAnnie。”Shecouldscarcelygethome。”
Helookedcloselyathismother。Shelookedill。
“WHYcouldyouscarcelygethome?”heaskedher,stillsharply。
Shewouldnotanswer。
“Ifoundheraswhiteasasheetsittinghere,“saidAnnie,withasuggestionoftearsinhervoice。
“Well,WHY?”insistedPaul。Hisbrowswereknitting,hiseyes,dilatingpassionately。
“Itwasenoughtoupsetanybody,“saidMrs。Morel,“hugging,thoseparcels——meat,andgreen-groceries,andapairofcurtains——“
“Well,whyDIDyouhugthem;youneedn’thavedone。”
“Thenwhowould?”
“LetAnniefetchthemeat。”
“Yes,andIWOULDfetchthemeat,buthowwasItoknow。
YouwereoffwithMiriam,insteadofbeinginwhenmymothercame。”
“Andwhatwasthematterwithyou?”askedPaulofhismother。
“Isupposeit’smyheart,“shereplied。Certainlyshelooked,bluishroundthemouth。
“Andhaveyoufeltitbefore?”
“Yes——oftenenough。”
“Thenwhyhaven’tyoutoldme?——andwhyhaven’tyouseenadoctor?”
Mrs。Morelshiftedinherchair,angrywithhimforhishectoring。
“You’dnevernoticeanything,“saidAnnie。”You’retooeager,tobeoffwithMiriam。”
“Oh,amI——andanyworsethanyouwithLeonard?”
“Iwasinataquartertoten。”
Therewassilenceintheroomforatime。
“Ishouldhavethought,“saidMrs。Morelbitterly,“thatshe,wouldn’thaveoccupiedyousoentirelyastoburnawholeovenful,ofbread。”
“Beatricewashereaswellasshe。”
“Verylikely。Butweknowwhythebreadisspoilt。”
“Why?”heflashed。
“BecauseyouwereengrossedwithMiriam,“repliedMrs。Morelhotly。
“Oh,verywell——thenitwasNOT!”herepliedangrily。
Hewasdistressedandwretched。Seizingapaper,hebegan,toread。Annie,herblouseunfastened,herlongropesofhairtwisted,intoaplait,wentuptobed,biddinghimaverycurtgood-night。
Paulsatpretendingtoread。Heknewhismotherwanted,toupbraidhim。Healsowantedtoknowwhathadmadeherill,forhewastroubled。So,insteadofrunningawaytobed,ashewould,havelikedtodo,hesatandwaited。Therewasatensesilence。
Theclocktickedloudly。
“You’dbettergotobedbeforeyourfathercomesin,“saidthe,motherharshly。”Andifyou’regoingtohaveanythingtoeat,you’dbettergetit。”
“Idon’twantanything。”
Itwashismother’scustomtobringhimsometriflefor,supperonFridaynight,thenightofluxuryforthecolliers。
Hewastooangrytogoandfinditinthepantrythisnight。
Thisinsultedher。
“IfIWANTEDyoutogotoSelbyonFridaynight,Icanimagine,thescene,“saidMrs。Morel。”Butyou’renevertootiredtogo,ifSHEwillcomeforyou。Nay,youneitherwanttoeatnordrinkthen。”
“Ican’tlethergoalone。”
“Can’tyou?,Andwhydoesshecome?”
“NotbecauseIaskher。”
“Shedoesn’tcomewithoutyouwanther——“
“Well,whatifIDOwanther——“hereplied。
“Why,nothing,ifitwassensibleorreasonable。Buttogo,trapseinguptheremilesandmilesinthemud,cominghomeatmidnight,andgottogotoNottinghaminthemorning——“
“IfIhadn’t,you’dbejustthesame。”
“Yes,Ishould,becausethere’snosenseinit。
Isshesofascinatingthatyoumustfollowherallthatway?”
Mrs。Morelwasbitterlysarcastic。Shesatstill,withavertedface,strokingwitharhythmic,jerkedmovement,theblacksateen,ofherapron。ItwasamovementthathurtPaultosee。
“Idolikeher,“hesaid,“but——“
“LIKEher!”saidMrs。Morel,inthesamebitingtones。”Itseems,tomeyoulikenothingandnobodyelse。There’sneitherAnnie,norme,noranyonenowforyou。”
“Whatnonsense,mother——youknowIdon’tloveher——I——Itell,youIDON’Tloveher——shedoesn’tevenwalkwithmyarm,becauseI
don’twantherto。”
“Thenwhydoyouflytohersooften?”
“IDOliketotalktoher——IneversaidIdidn’t。ButIDON’T
loveher。”
“Istherenobodyelsetotalkto?”
“Notaboutthethingswetalkof。There’salotofthings,thatyou’renotinterestedin,that——“
“Whatthings?”
Mrs。MorelwassointensethatPaulbegantopant。
“Why——painting——andbooks。YOUdon’tcareaboutHerbertSpencer。”
“No,“wasthesadreply。”AndYOUwon’tatmyage。”
“Well,butIdonow——andMiriamdoes——“
“Andhowdoyouknow,“Mrs。Morelflasheddefiantly,“thatI
shouldn’t。Doyouevertryme!”
“Butyoudon’t,mother,youknowyoudon’tcarewhether,apicture’sdecorativeornot;youdon’tcarewhatMANNERitisin。”
“HowdoyouknowIdon’tcare?,Doyouevertryme?,Doyou,evertalktomeaboutthesethings,totry?”
“Butit’snotthatthatmatterstoyou,mother,youknow,t’snot。”
“Whatisit,then——whatisit,then,thatmatterstome?”
sheflashed。Heknittedhisbrowswithpain。
“You’reold,mother,andwe’reyoung。”
HeonlymeantthattheinterestsofHERagewerenotthe,interestsofhis。Butherealisedthemomenthehadspoken,thathehadsaidthewrongthing。
“Yes,Iknowitwell——Iamold。AndthereforeImaystandaside;
Ihavenothingmoretodowithyou。Youonlywantmetowaiton,you——therestisforMiriam。”
Hecouldnotbearit。Instinctivelyherealisedthathe,waslifetoher。And,afterall,shewasthechiefthingtohim,theonlysupremething。
“Youknowitisn’t,mother,youknowitisn’t!”
Shewasmovedtopitybyhiscry。
“Itlooksagreatdeallikeit,“shesaid,halfputtingaside,herdespair。
“No,mother——IreallyDON’Tloveher。Italktoher,butI
wanttocomehometoyou。”
Hehadtakenoffhiscollarandtie,androse,bare-throated,togotobed。Ashestoopedtokisshismother,shethrewher,armsroundhisneck,hidherfaceonhisshoulder,andcried,inawhimperingvoice,sounlikeherownthathewrithedinagony:
“Ican’tbearit。Icouldletanotherwoman——butnother。
She’dleavemenoroom,notabitofroom——“
AndimmediatelyhehatedMiriambitterly。
“AndI’venever——youknow,Paul——I’veneverhadahusband——notreally——“
Hestrokedhismother’shair,andhismouthwasonherthroat。
“Andsheexultssointakingyoufromme——she’snotlike,ordinarygirls。”
“Well,Idon’tloveher,mother,“hemurmured,bowinghishead,andhidinghiseyesonhershoulderinmisery。Hismotherkissed,himalong,ferventkiss。
“Myboy!”shesaid,inavoicetremblingwithpassionatelove。
Withoutknowing,hegentlystrokedherface。
“There,“saidhismother,“nowgotobed。You’llbesotired,inthemorning。”,Asshewasspeakingsheheardherhusbandcoming。
“There’syourfather——nowgo。”,Suddenlyshelookedathimalmost,asifinfear。”PerhapsI’mselfish。Ifyouwanther,takeher,myboy。”
Hismotherlookedsostrange,Paulkissedher,trembling。
“Ha——mother!”hesaidsoftly。
Morelcamein,walkingunevenly。Hishatwasoveronecorner,ofhiseye。Hebalancedinthedoorway。
“Atyourmischiefagain?”hesaidvenomously。
Mrs。Morel’semotionturnedintosuddenhateofthedrunkard,whohadcomeinthusuponher。
“Atanyrate,itissober,“shesaid。
“H’m——h’m!h’m——h’m!”hesneered。Hewentintothepassage,hunguphishatandcoat。Thentheyheardhimgodownthreesteps,tothepantry。Hereturnedwithapieceofpork-pieinhisfist。
ItwaswhatMrs。Morelhadboughtforherson。
“Norwasthatboughtforyou。Ifyoucangivemenomorethan,twenty-fiveshillings,I’msureI’mnotgoingtobuyyoupork-pie,tostuff,afteryou’veswilledabellyfulofbeer。”
“Wha-at——wha-at!”snarledMorel,topplinginhisbalance。
“Wha-at——notforme?”Helookedatthepieceofmeatandcrust,andsuddenly,inaviciousspurtoftemper,flungitintothefire。
Paulstartedtohisfeet。
“Wasteyourownstuff!”hecried。
“What——what!”suddenlyshoutedMorel,jumpingupandclenching,hisfist。”I’llshowyer,yeryoungjockey!”
“Allright!”saidPaulviciously,puttinghisheadononeside。
“Showme!”
Hewouldatthatmomentdearlyhavelovedtohaveasmack,atsomething。Morelwashalfcrouching,fistsup,readytospring。
Theyoungmanstood,smilingwithhislips。
“Ussha!”hissedthefather,swipingroundwithagreatstroke,justpasthisson’sface。Hedarednot,eventhoughsoclose,reallytouchtheyoungman,butswervedaninchaway。
“Right!”saidPaul,hiseyesuponthesideofhisfather’s,mouth,whereinanotherinstanthisfistwouldhavehit。
Heachedforthatstroke。Butheheardafaintmoanfrombehind。
Hismotherwasdeadlypaleanddarkatthemouth。Morelwas,dancinguptodeliveranotherblow。
“Father!”saidPaul,sothatthewordrang。
Morelstarted,andstoodatattention。
“Mother!”moanedtheboy。”Mother!”
Shebegantostrugglewithherself。Heropeneyeswatchedhim,althoughshecouldnotmove。Graduallyshewascomingtoherself。
Helaidherdownonthesofa,andranupstairsforalittlewhisky,whichatlastshecouldsip。Thetearswerehoppingdownhisface。
Ashekneeledinfrontofherhedidnotcry,butthetearsran,downhisfacequickly。Morel,ontheoppositesideoftheroom,satwithhiselbowsonhiskneesglaringacross。
“What’sa-matterwith’er?”heasked。
“Faint!”repliedPaul。
“H’m!”
Theelderlymanbegantounlacehisboots。Hestumbledoff,tobed。Hislastfightwasfoughtinthathome。
Paulkneeledthere,strokinghismother’shand。
“Don’tbepoorly,mother——don’tbepoorly!”hesaidtime,aftertime。
“It’snothing,myboy,“shemurmured。
Atlastherose,fetchedinalargepieceofcoal,andraked,thefire。Thenheclearedtheroom,puteverythingstraight,laidthethingsforbreakfast,andbroughthismother’scandle。
“Canyougotobed,mother?”
“Yes,I’llcome。”
“SleepwithAnnie,mother,notwithhim。”
“No。I’llsleepinmyownbed。”
“Don’tsleepwithhim,mother。”
“I’llsleepinmyownbed。”
Sherose,andheturnedoutthegas,thenfollowedherclosely,upstairs,carryinghercandle。Onthelandinghekissedherclose。
“Good-night,mother。”
“Good-night!”shesaid。
Hepressedhisfaceuponthepillowinafuryofmisery。
Andyet,somewhereinhissoul,hewasatpeacebecausehestill,lovedhismotherbest。Itwasthebitterpeaceofresignation。
Theeffortsofhisfathertoconciliatehimnextdaywere,agreathumiliationtohim。
Everybodytriedtoforgetthescene。
CHAPTERIX
DEFEATOFMIRIAM
PAULwasdissatisfiedwithhimselfandwitheverything。
Thedeepestofhislovebelongedtohismother。Whenhefelthe,hadhurther,orwoundedhisloveforher,hecouldnotbearit。
Nowitwasspring,andtherewasbattlebetweenhimandMiriam。
Thisyearhehadagooddealagainsther。Shewasvaguelyaware,ofit。Theoldfeelingthatshewastobeasacrificetothislove,whichshehadhadwhensheprayed,wasmingledinallheremotions。
Shedidnotatthebottombelievesheeverwouldhavehim。Shedid,notbelieveinherselfprimarily:,doubtedwhethershecouldever,bewhathewoulddemandofher。Certainlysheneversawherself,livinghappilythroughalifetimewithhim。Shesawtragedy,sorrow,andsacrificeahead。Andinsacrificeshe,wasproud,inrenunciationshewasstrong,forshedidnottrust,herselftosupporteverydaylife。Shewaspreparedforthebig,thingsandthedeepthings,liketragedy。Itwasthesufficiency,ofthesmallday-lifeshecouldnottrust。
TheEasterholidaysbeganhappily。Paulwashisownfrankself。
Yetshefeltitwouldgowrong。OntheSundayafternoonshestood,atherbedroomwindow,lookingacrossattheoak-treesofthewood,inwhosebranchesatwilightwastangled,belowthebrightsky,oftheafternoon。Grey-greenrosettesofhoneysuckleleaves,hungbeforethewindow,somealready,shefancied,showingbud。
Itwasspring,whichshelovedanddreaded。
Hearingtheclackofthegateshestoodinsuspense。
Itwasabrightgreyday。Paulcameintotheyardwithhisbicycle,whichglitteredashewalked。Usuallyheranghisbellandlaughed,towardsthehouse。To-dayhewalkedwithshutlipsandcold,cruelbearing,thathadsomethingofaslouchandasneerinit。
Sheknewhimwellbynow,andcouldtellfromthatkeen-looking,aloofyoungbodyofhiswhatwashappeninginsidehim。Therewas,acoldcorrectnessinthewayheputhisbicycleinitsplace,thatmadeherheartsink。
Shecamedownstairsnervously。Shewaswearinganewnetblouse,thatshethoughtbecameher。Ithadahighcollarwithatinyruff,remindingherofMary,QueenofScots,andmakingher,shethought,lookwonderfullyawoman,anddignified。Attwentyshewas,full-breastedandluxuriouslyformed。Herfacewasstilllikeasoft,richmask,unchangeable。Buthereyes,oncelifted,werewonderful。
Shewasafraidofhim。Hewouldnoticehernewblouse。
He,beinginahard,ironicalmood,wasentertainingthefamily,toadescriptionofaservicegiveninthePrimitiveMethodistChapel,conductedbyoneofthewell-knownpreachersofthesect。
Hesatattheheadofthetable,hismobileface,withtheeyes,thatcouldbesobeautiful,shiningwithtendernessordancing,withlaughter,nowtakingononeexpressionandthenanother,inimitationofvariouspeoplehewasmocking。Hismockery,alwayshurther;itwastoonearthereality。Hewastooclever,andcruel。Shefeltthatwhenhiseyeswerelikethis,hardwith,mockinghate,hewouldspareneitherhimselfnoranybodyelse。
ButMrs。Leiverswaswipinghereyeswithlaughter,andMr。Leivers,justawakefromhisSundaynap,wasrubbinghisheadinamusement。
Thethreebrotherssatwithruffled,sleepyappearanceintheir,shirt-sleeves,givingaguffawfromtimetotime。Thewhole,familyloveda“take-off“morethananything。
HetooknonoticeofMiriam。Later,shesawhimremark,hernewblouse,sawthattheartistapproved,butitwonfrom,himnotasparkofwarmth。Shewasnervous,couldhardlyreach,theteacupsfromtheshelves。
Whenthemenwentouttomilk,sheventuredtoaddress,himpersonally。
“Youwerelate,“shesaid。
“WasI?”heanswered。
Therewassilenceforawhile。
“Wasitroughriding?”sheasked。
“Ididn’tnoticeit。”,Shecontinuedquicklytolaythetable。
Whenshehadfinished——
“Teawon’tbeforafewminutes。Willyoucomeandlook,atthedaffodils?”shesaid。
Herosewithoutanswering。Theywentoutintothebackgardenunder,thebuddingdamson-trees。Thehillsandtheskywerecleanandcold。
Everythinglookedwashed,ratherhard。MiriamglancedatPaul。
Hewaspaleandimpassive。Itseemedcrueltoherthathiseyes,andbrows,whichsheloved,couldlooksohurting。
“Hasthewindmadeyoutired?”sheasked。Shedetected,anunderneathfeelingofwearinessabouthim。
“No,Ithinknot,“heanswered。
“Itmustberoughontheroad——thewoodmoansso。”
“Youcanseebythecloudsit’sasouth-westwind;thathelps,mehere。”
“Yousee,Idon’tcycle,soIdon’tunderstand,“shemurmured。
“Isthereneedtocycletoknowthat!”hesaid。
Shethoughthissarcasmswereunnecessary。Theywentforward,insilence。Roundthewild,tussockylawnatthebackofthehouse,wasathornhedge,underwhichdaffodilswerecraningforwardfrom,amongtheirsheavesofgrey-greenblades。Thecheeksoftheflowers,weregreenishwithcold。Butstillsomehadburst,andtheirgold,ruffledandglowed。Miriamwentonherkneesbeforeonecluster,tookawild-lookingdaffodilbetweenherhands,turnedupits,faceofgoldtoher,andboweddown,caressingitwithhermouth,andcheeksandbrow。Hestoodaside,withhishandsinhispockets,watchingher。Oneafteranothersheturneduptohimthefaces,oftheyellow,burstenflowersappealingly,fondlingthemlavishly,allthewhile。
“Aren’ttheymagnificent?”shemurmured。
“Magnificent!,It’sabitthick——they’repretty!”
Shebowedagaintoherflowersathiscensureofherpraise。
Hewatchedhercrouching,sippingtheflowerswithfervidkisses。
“Whymustyoualwaysbefondlingthings?”hesaidirritably。
“ButIlovetotouchthem,“shereplied,hurt。
“Canyouneverlikethingswithoutclutchingthemasifyou,wantedtopulltheheartoutofthem?,Whydon’tyouhaveabit,morerestraint,orreserve,orsomething?”
Shelookedupathimfullofpain,thencontinuedslowly,tostrokeherlipsagainstaruffledflower。Theirscent,asshe,smelledit,wassomuchkinderthanhe;italmostmadehercry。
“Youwheedlethesouloutofthings,“hesaid。”Iwould,neverwheedle——atanyrate,I’dgostraight。”
Hescarcelyknewwhathewassaying。Thesethingscamefrom,himmechanically。Shelookedathim。Hisbodyseemedoneweapon,firmandhardagainsther。
“You’realwaysbeggingthingstoloveyou,“hesaid,“asifyou,wereabeggarforlove。Eventheflowers,youhavetofawnonthem——“
Rhythmically,Miriamwasswayingandstrokingtheflowerwith,hermouth,inhalingthescentwhicheveraftermadehershudder,asitcametohernostrils。
“Youdon’twanttolove——youreternalandabnormalcraving,istobeloved。Youaren’tpositive,you’renegative。
Youabsorb,absorb,asifyoumustfillyourselfupwithlove,becauseyou’vegotashortagesomewhere。”
Shewasstunnedbyhiscruelty,anddidnothear。Hehadnot,thefaintestnotionofwhathewassaying。Itwasasifhisfretted,torturedsoul,runhotbythwartedpassion,jettedoffthesesayings,likesparksfromelectricity。Shedidnotgraspanythinghesaid。
Sheonlysatcrouchedbeneathhiscrueltyandhishatredofher。
Sheneverrealisedinaflash。Overeverythingshebrooded,andbrooded。
AfterteahestayedwithEdgarandthebrothers,takingno,noticeofMiriam。She,extremelyunhappyonthislooked-forholiday,waitedforhim。Andatlastheyieldedandcametoher。
Shewasdeterminedtotrackthismoodofhistoitsorigin。
Shecounteditnotmuchmorethanamood。
“Shallwegothroughthewoodalittleway?”sheaskedhim,knowingheneverrefusedadirectrequest。
Theywentdowntothewarren。Onthemiddlepaththey,passedatrap,anarrowhorseshoehedgeofsmallfir-boughs,baitedwiththegutsofarabbit。Paulglancedatitfrowning。
Shecaughthiseye。
“Isn’titdreadful?”sheasked。
“Idon’tknow!,Isitworsethanaweaselwithitsteethina,rabbit’sthroat?,Oneweaselormanyrabbits?,Oneortheothermustgo!”
Hewastakingthebitternessoflifebadly。Shewasrather,sorryforhim。
“Wewillgobacktothehouse,“hesaid。”Idon’twant,towalkout。”
Theywentpastthelilac-tree,whosebronzeleaf-budswere,comingunfastened。Justafragmentremainedofthehaystack,amonumentsquaredandbrown,likeapillarofstone。Therewas,alittlebedofhayfromthelastcutting。
“Letussithereaminute,“saidMiriam。
Hesatdownagainsthiswill,restinghisbackagainstthehard,wallofhay。Theyfacedtheamphitheatreofroundhillsthatglowed,withsunset,tinywhitefarmsstandingout,themeadowsgolden,thewoodsdarkandyetluminous,tree-topsfoldedovertree-tops,distinctinthedistance。Theeveninghadcleared,andtheeast,wastenderwithamagentaflushunderwhichthelandlaystill,andrich。
“Isn’titbeautiful?”shepleaded。
Butheonlyscowled。Hewouldratherhavehadituglyjustthen。
Atthatmomentabigbull-terriercamerushingup,open-mouthed,prancedhistwopawsontheyouth’sshoulders,lickinghisface。
Pauldrewback,laughing。Billwasagreatrelieftohim。
Hepushedthedogaside,butitcameleapingback。
“Getout,“saidthelad,“orI’lldottheeone。”
Butthedogwasnottobepushedaway。SoPaulhadalittle,battlewiththecreature,pitchingpoorBillawayfromhim,who,however,onlyflounderedtumultuouslybackagain,wildwithjoy。
Thetwofoughttogether,themanlaughinggrudgingly,thedog,grinningallover。Miriamwatchedthem。Therewassomethingpathetic,abouttheman。Hewantedsobadlytolove,tobetender。
Theroughwayhebowledthedogoverwasreallyloving。Billgotup,pantingwithhappiness,hisbrowneyesrollinginhiswhiteface,andlumberedbackagain。HeadoredPaul。Theladfrowned。
“Bill,I’vehadenougho’thee,“hesaid。
Butthedogonlystoodwithtwoheavypaws,thatquivered,withlove,uponhisthigh,andflickeredaredtongueathim。
Hedrewback。
“No,“hesaid——“no——I’vehadenough。”
Andinaminutethedogtrottedoffhappily,tovarythefun。
Heremainedstaringmiserablyacrossatthehills,whosestill,beautyhebegrudged。HewantedtogoandcyclewithEdgar。
YethehadnotthecouragetoleaveMiriam。
“Whyareyousad?”sheaskedhumbly。
“I’mnotsad;whyshouldIbe,“heanswered。”I’monlynormal。”
Shewonderedwhyhealwaysclaimedtobenormalwhenhe,wasdisagreeable。
“Butwhatisthematter?”shepleaded,coaxinghimsoothingly。
“Nothing!”
“Nay!”shemurmured。
Hepickedupastickandbegantostabtheearthwithit。
“You’dfarbetternottalk,“hesaid。
“ButIwishtoknow——“shereplied。
Helaughedresentfully。
“Youalwaysdo,“hesaid。
“It’snotfairtome,“shemurmured。
Hethrust,thrust,thrustatthegroundwiththepointedstick,digginguplittleclodsofearthasifhewereinafeverofirritation。
Shegentlyandfirmlylaidherbandonhiswrist。
“Don’t!”shesaid。”Putitaway。”
Heflungthestickintothecurrant-bushes,andleanedback。
Nowhewasbottledup。
“Whatisit?”shepleadedsoftly。
Helayperfectlystill,onlyhiseyesalive,andtheyfull,oftorment。
“Youknow,“hesaidatlength,ratherwearily——“youknow——we’d,betterbreakoff。”
Itwaswhatshedreaded。Swiftlyeverythingseemedtodarken,beforehereyes。
“Why!”shemurmured。”Whathashappened?”
“Nothinghashappened。Weonlyrealisewhereweare。
It’snogood——“
Shewaitedinsilence,sadly,patiently。Itwasnogoodbeing,impatientwithhim。Atanyrate,hewouldtellhernowwhatailedhim。
“Weagreedonfriendship,“hewentoninadull,monotonousvoice。
“HowoftenHAVEweagreedforfriendship!,Andyet——itneither,stopsthere,norgetsanywhereelse。”
Hewassilentagain。Shebrooded。Whatdidhemean?
Hewassowearying。Therewassomethinghewouldnotyield。
Yetshemustbepatientwithhim。
“Icanonlygivefriendship——it’sallI’mcapableof——it’s,aflawinmymake-up。Thethingoverbalancestooneside——Ihate,atopplingbalance。Letushavedone。”
Therewaswarmthoffuryinhislastphrases。Hemeantshe,lovedhimmorethanheher。Perhapshecouldnotloveher。
Perhapsshehadnotinherselfthatwhichhewanted。Itwasthe,deepestmotiveofhersoul,thisself-mistrust。Itwassodeepshe,daredneitherrealisenoracknowledge。Perhapsshewasdeficient。
Likeaninfinitelysubtleshame,itkeptheralwaysback。Ifitwereso,shewoulddowithouthim。Shewouldneverletherselfwanthim。
Shewouldmerelysee。
“Butwhathashappened?”shesaid。
“Nothing——it’sallinmyself——itonlycomesoutjustnow。
We’realwayslikethistowardsEaster-time。”
Hegrovelledsohelplessly,shepitiedhim。Atleastshe,neverflounderedinsuchapitiableway。Afterall,itwashe,whowaschieflyhumiliated。
“Whatdoyouwant?”sheaskedhim。
“Why——Imustn’tcomeoften——that’sall。WhyshouldImonopolise,youwhenI’mnot——Yousee,I’mdeficientinsomethingwithregard,toyou——“
Hewastellingherhedidnotloveher,andsooughttoleaveher,achancewithanotherman。Howfoolishandblindandshamefullyclumsy,hewas!,Whatwereothermentoher!,Whatwerementoheratall!
Buthe,ah!shelovedhissoul。WasHEdeficientinsomething?
Perhapshewas。
“ButIdon’tunderstand,“shesaidhuskily。”Yesterday——“
Thenightwasturningjangledandhatefultohimasthe,twilightfaded。Andshebowedunderhersuffering。
“Iknow,“hecried,“youneverwill!,You’llneverbelievethat,Ican’t——can’tphysically,anymorethanIcanflyuplikeaskylark——“
“What?”shemurmured。Nowshedreaded。
“Loveyou。”
Hehatedherbitterlyatthatmomentbecausehemadehersuffer。
Loveher!,Sheknewhelovedher。Hereallybelongedtoher。
Thisaboutnotlovingher,physically,bodily,wasamereperversity,onhispart,becauseheknewshelovedhim。Hewasstupidlike,achild。Hebelongedtoher。Hissoulwantedher。Sheguessed,somebodyhadbeeninfluencinghim。Shefeltuponhimthehardness,theforeignnessofanotherinfluence。
“Whathavetheybeensayingathome?”sheasked。
“It’snotthat,“heanswered。
Andthensheknewitwas。Shedespisedthemfortheircommonness,hispeople。Theydidnotknowwhatthingswerereallyworth。
Heandshetalkedverylittlemorethatnight。Afterallhe,lefthertocyclewithEdgar。
Hehadcomebacktohismother。Herswasthestrongest,tieinhislife。Whenhethoughtround,Miriamshrankaway。
Therewasavague,unrealfeelabouther。Andnobodyelsemattered。
Therewasoneplaceintheworldthatstoodsolidanddidnotmelt,intounreality:,theplacewherehismotherwas。Everybodyelse,couldgrowshadowy,almostnon-existenttohim,butshecouldnot。
Itwasasifthepivotandpoleofhislife,fromwhichhecould,notescape,washismother。
Andinthesamewayshewaitedforhim。Inhimwasestablished,herlifenow。Afterall,thelifebeyondofferedverylittleto,Mrs。Morel。ShesawthatourchanceforDOINGishere,anddoing,countedwithher。Paulwasgoingtoprovethatshehadbeenright;
hewasgoingtomakeamanwhomnothingshouldshiftoffhisfeet;
hewasgoingtoalterthefaceoftheearthinsomewaywhichmattered。
Whereverhewentshefelthersoulwentwithhim。Whateverhedidshe,felthersoulstoodbyhim,ready,asitwere,tohandhimhistools。
ShecouldnotbearitwhenhewaswithMiriam。Williamwasdead。
ShewouldfighttokeepPaul。
Andhecamebacktoher。Andinhissoulwasafeelingofthe,satisfactionofself-sacrificebecausehewasfaithfultoher。
Shelovedhimfirst;helovedherfirst。Andyetitwasnotenough。
Hisnewyounglife,sostrongandimperious,wasurgedtowards,somethingelse。Itmadehimmadwithrestlessness。Shesawthis,andwishedbitterlythatMiriamhadbeenawomanwhocouldtakethis,newlifeofhis,andleavehertheroots。Hefoughtagainsthismother,almostashefoughtagainstMiriam。
ItwasaweekbeforehewentagaintoWilleyFarm。
Miriamhadsufferedagreatdeal,andwasafraidtoseehimagain。
Wasshenowtoenduretheignominyofhisabandoningher?
Thatwouldonlybesuperficialandtemporary。Hewouldcomeback。
Sheheldthekeystohissoul。Butmeanwhile,howhewouldtorture,herwithhisbattleagainsther。Sheshrankfromit。
However,theSundayafterEasterhecametotea。Mrs。Leivers,wasgladtoseehim。Shegatheredsomethingwasfrettinghim,thathefoundthingshard。Heseemedtodrifttoherforcomfort。
Andshewasgoodtohim。Shedidhimthatgreatkindnessoftreating,himalmostwithreverence。
Hemetherwiththeyoungchildreninthefrontgarden。
“I’mgladyou’vecome,“saidthemother,lookingathim,withhergreatappealingbrowneyes。”Itissuchasunnyday。
Iwasjustgoingdownthefieldsforthefirsttimethisyear。”
Hefeltshewouldlikehimtocome。Thatsoothedhim。Theywent,talkingsimply,hegentleandhumble。Hecouldhaveweptwithgratitude,thatshewasdeferentialtohim。Hewasfeelinghumiliated。
AtthebottomoftheMowClosetheyfoundathrush’snest。
“ShallIshowyoutheeggs?”hesaid。
“Do!”repliedMrs。Leivers。”TheyseemSUCHasignofspring,andsohopeful。”
Heputasidethethorns,andtookouttheeggs,holdingthem,inthepalmofhishand。
“Theyarequitehot——Ithinkwefrightenedheroffthem,“
hesaid。
“Ay,poorthing!”saidMrs。Leivers。
Miriamcouldnothelptouchingtheeggs,andhishandwhich,itseemedtoher,cradledthemsowell。
“Isn’titastrangewarmth!”shemurmured,togetnearhim。
“Bloodheat,“heanswered。
Shewatchedhimputtingthemback,hisbodypressedagainst,thehedge,hisarmreachingslowlythroughthethorns,hishand,foldedcarefullyovertheeggs。Hewasconcentratedontheact。
Seeinghimso,shelovedhim;heseemedsosimpleandsufficient,tohimself。Andshecouldnotgettohim。
Afterteashestoodhesitatingatthebookshelf。Hetook,“TartarindeTarascon“。Againtheysatonthebankofhayatthefoot,ofthestack。Hereadacoupleofpages,butwithoutanyheartforit。
Againthedogcameracinguptorepeatthefunoftheotherday。
Heshovedhismuzzleintheman’schest。Paulfingeredhisear,foramoment。Thenhepushedhimaway。
“Goaway,Bill,“hesaid。”Idon’twantyou。”
Billslunkoff,andMiriamwonderedanddreaded,whatwascoming。Therewasasilenceaboutthe,youththatmadeherstillwithapprehension。
Itwasnothisfuries,buthisquietresolutionsthatshefeared。
Turninghisfacealittletooneside,sothatshecould,notseehim,hebegan,speakingslowlyandpainfully:
“Doyouthink——ifIdidn’tcomeupsomuch——youmightget,tolikesomebodyelse——anotherman?”
Sothiswaswhathewasstillharpingon。
“ButIdon’tknowanyothermen。Whydoyouask?”shereplied,inalowtonethatshouldhavebeenareproachtohim。
“Why,“heblurted,“becausetheysayI’venorighttocomeup,likethis——withoutwemeantomarry——“
Miriamwasindignantatanybody’sforcingtheissuesbetweenthem。
ShehadbeenfuriouswithherownfatherforsuggestingtoPaul,laughingly,thatheknewwhyhecamesomuch。
“Whosays?”sheasked,wonderingifherpeoplehadanything,todowithit。Theyhadnot。
“Mother——andtheothers。Theysayatthisrateeverybodywill,considermeengaged,andIoughttoconsidermyselfso,becauseit’s,notfairtoyou。AndI’vetriedtofindout——andIdon’tthinkI
loveyouasamanoughttolovehiswife。Whatdoyouthinkaboutit?”
Miriambowedherheadmoodily。Shewasangryathaving,thisstruggle。Peopleshouldleavehimandheralone。
“Idon’tknow,“shemurmured。
“Doyouthinkweloveeachotherenoughtomarry?”
heaskeddefinitely。Itmadehertremble。
“No,“sheansweredtruthfully。”Idon’tthinkso——we’re,tooyoung。”
“Ithoughtperhaps,“hewentonmiserably,“thatyou,withyour,intensityinthings,mighthavegivenmemore——thanIcouldevermake,uptoyou。Andevennow——ifyouthinkitbetter——we’llbeengaged。”
NowMiriamwantedtocry。Andshewasangry,too。Hewas,alwayssuchachildforpeopletodoastheylikedwith。
“No,Idon’tthinkso,“shesaidfirmly。
Heponderedaminute。
“Yousee,“hesaid,“withme——Idon’tthinkonepersonwould,evermonopolizeme——beeverythingtome——Ithinknever。”
Thisshedidnotconsider。
“No,“shemurmured。Then,afterapause,shelookedathim,andherdarkeyesflashed。
“Thisisyourmother,“shesaid。”Iknowsheneverlikedme。”
“No,no,itisn’t,“hesaidhastily。”Itwasforyoursake,shespokethistime。Sheonlysaid,ifIwasgoingon,Iought,toconsidermyselfengaged。”,Therewasasilence。”AndifIask,youtocomedownanytime,youwon’tstopaway,willyou?”
Shedidnotanswer。Bythistimeshewasveryangry。
“Well,whatshallwedo?”shesaidshortly。”IsupposeI’d,betterdropFrench。Iwasjustbeginningtogetonwithit。
ButIsupposeIcangoonalone。”
“Idon’tseethatweneed,“hesaid。”Icangiveyou,aFrenchlesson,surely。”
“Well——andthereareSundaynights。Ishan’tstopcoming,tochapel,becauseIenjoyit,andit’sallthesociallifeIget。
Butyou’venoneedtocomehomewithme。Icangoalone。”
“Allright,“heanswered,rathertakenaback。”ButifIaskEdgar,he’llalwayscomewithus,andthentheycansaynothing。”
Therewassilence。Afterall,then,shewouldnotlosemuch。
Foralltheirtalkdownathishometherewouldnotbemuchdifference。
Shewishedtheywouldmindtheirownbusiness。
“Andyouwon’tthinkaboutit,andletittroubleyou,willyou?”
heasked。
“Ohno,“repliedMiriam,withoutlookingathim。
Hewassilent。Shethoughthimunstable。Hehadnofixity,ofpurpose,noanchorofrighteousnessthatheldhim。
“Because,“hecontinued,“amangetsacrosshisbicycle——and,goestowork——anddoesallsortsofthings。Butawomanbroods。”
“No,Ishan’tbother,“saidMiriam。Andshemeantit。
Ithadgoneratherchilly。Theywentindoors。
“HowwhitePaullooks!”Mrs。Leiversexclaimed。”Miriam,you,shouldn’thavelethimsitoutofdoors。Doyouthinkyou’ve,takencold,Paul?”
“Oh,no!”helaughed。
Buthefeltdoneup。Itworehimout,theconflictinhimself。
Miriampitiedhimnow。Butquiteearly,beforenineo’clock,herose,togo。
“You’renotgoinghome,areyou?”askedMrs。Leiversanxiously。
“Yes,“hereplied。”IsaidI’dbeearly。”,Hewasveryawkward。
“ButthisISearly,“saidMrs。Leivers。
Miriamsatintherocking-chair,anddidnotspeak。
Hehesitated,expectinghertoriseandgowithhimtothebarn,asusualforhisbicycle。Sheremainedasshewas。Hewasataloss。
“Well——good-night,all!”hefaltered。
Shespokehergood-nightalongwithalltheothers。
Butashewentpastthewindowhelookedin。Shesawhimpale,hisbrowsknitslightlyinawaythathadbecomeconstantwithhim,hiseyesdarkwithpain。
Sheroseandwenttothedoorwaytowavegood-byetohimashe,passedthroughthegate。Herodeslowlyunderthepine-trees,feelingacurandamiserablewretch。Hisbicyclewenttiltingdown,thehillsatrandom。Hethoughtitwouldbearelieftobreakone’sneck。
Twodayslaterhesentherupabookandalittlenote,urginghertoreadandbebusy。
AtthistimehegaveallhisfriendshiptoEdgar。
Helovedthefamilysomuch,helovedthefarmsomuch;itwas,thedearestplaceonearthtohim。Hishomewasnotsolovable。
Itwashismother。Butthenhewouldhavebeenjustashappywith,hismotheranywhere。WhereasWilleyFarmhelovedpassionately。
Helovedthelittlepokeykitchen,wheremen’sbootstramped,andthedogsleptwithoneeyeopenforfearofbeingtroddenon;
wherethelamphungoverthetableatnight,andeverythingwassosilent。
HelovedMiriam’slong,lowparlour,withitsatmosphereofromance,itsflowers,itsbooks,itshighrosewoodpiano。Helovedthegardens,andthebuildingsthatstoodwiththeirscarletroofsonthenaked,edgesofthefields,crepttowardsthewoodasifforcosiness,thewildcountryscoopingdownavalleyanduptheunculturedhillsof,theotherside。Onlytobetherewasanexhilarationandajoytohim。
HelovedMrs。Leivers,withherunworldlinessandherquaintcynicism;
helovedMr。Leivers,sowarmandyoungandlovable;helovedEdgar,wholitupwhenhecame,andtheboysandthechildrenand,Bill——eventhesowCirceandtheIndiangame-cockcalledTippoo。
AllthisbesidesMiriam。Hecouldnotgiveitup。
Sohewentasoften,buthewasusuallywithEdgar。Onlyall,thefamily,includingthefather,joinedincharadesandgames,atevening。Andlater,Miriamdrewthemtogether,andtheyread,Macbethoutofpennybooks,takingparts。Itwasgreatexcitement。
Miriamwasglad,andMrs。Leiverswasglad,andMr。Leiversenjoyedit。
Thentheyalllearnedsongstogetherfromtonicsol-fa,singing,inacircleroundthefire。ButnowPaulwasveryrarelyalone,withMiriam。Shewaited。WhensheandEdgarandhewalkedhome,togetherfromchapelorfromtheliterarysocietyinBestwood,sheknewhistalk,sopassionateandsounorthodoxnowadays,wasforher。ShedidenvyEdgar,however,hiscyclingwithPaul,hisFridaynights,hisdaysworkinginthefields。ForherFriday,nightsandherFrenchlessonsweregone。Shewasnearlyalwaysalone,walking,ponderinginthewood,reading,studying,dreaming,waiting。
Andhewrotetoherfrequently。
OneSundayeveningtheyattainedtotheiroldrareharmony。
EdgarhadstayedtoCommunion——hewonderedwhatitwaslike——with,Mrs。Morel。SoPaulcameonalonewithMiriamtohishome。Hewas,moreorlessunderherspellagain。Asusual,theywerediscussing,thesermon。HewassettingnowfullsailtowardsAgnosticism,butsuchareligiousAgnosticismthatMiriamdidnotsuffersobadly。
TheywereattheRenanViedeJesusstage。Miriamwasthe,threshing-flooronwhichhethreshedoutallhisbeliefs。Whilehe,trampledhisideasuponhersoul,thetruthcameoutforhim。Shealone,washisthreshing-floor。Shealonehelpedhimtowardsrealization。
Almostimpassive,shesubmittedtohisargumentandexpounding。
Andsomehow,becauseofher,hegraduallyrealizedwherehewaswrong。
Andwhatherealized,sherealized。Shefelthecouldnotdowithouther。
Theycametothesilenthouse。Hetookthekeyoutof,thescullerywindow,andtheyentered。Allthetimehewent,onwithhisdiscussion。Helitthegas,mendedthefire,andbroughthersomecakesfromthepantry。Shesatonthesofa,quietly,withaplateonherknee。Sheworealargewhitehat,withsomepinkishflowers。Itwasacheaphat,buthelikedit。
Herfacebeneathwasstillandpensive,golden-brownandruddy。
Alwaysherearswerehidinhershortcurls。Shewatchedhim。
ShelikedhimonSundays。Thenheworeadarksuitthatshowedthe,lithemovementofhisbody。Therewasaclean,clear-cutlookabouthim。
Hewentonwithhisthinkingtoher。SuddenlyhereachedforaBible。
Miriamlikedthewayhereachedup——sosharp,straighttothemark。
Heturnedthepagesquickly,andreadherachapterofSt。John。
Ashesatinthearmchairreading,intent,hisvoiceonlythinking,shefeltasifhewereusingherunconsciouslyasamanuseshis,toolsatsomeworkheisbenton。Shelovedit。Andthewistfulness,ofhisvoicewaslikeareachingtosomething,anditwasasifshe,werewhathereachedwith。Shesatbackonthesofaawayfromhim,andyetfeelingherselftheveryinstrumenthishandgrasped。
Itgavehergreatpleasure。
Thenhebegantofalterandtogetself-conscious。Andwhenhe,cametotheverse,“Awoman,whensheisintravail,hathsorrow,becauseherhouriscome“hemisseditout。Miriamhadfelthim,growinguncomfortable。Sheshrankwhenthewell-knownwordsdid,notfollow。Hewentonreading,butshedidnothear。Agrief,andshamemadeherbendherhead。Sixmonthsagohewouldhave,readitsimply。Nowtherewasascotchinhisrunningwithher。
Nowshefelttherewasreallysomethinghostilebetweenthem,somethingofwhichtheywereashamed。
Sheatehercakemechanically。Hetriedtogoonwithhisargument,butcouldnotgetbacktherightnote。SoonEdgarcamein。
Mrs。Morelhadgonetoherfriends’。ThethreesetofftoWilleyFarm。
Miriambroodedoverhissplitwithher。Therewassomethingelse,hewanted。Hecouldnotbesatisfied;hecouldgivehernopeace。
Therewasbetweenthemnowalwaysagroundforstrife。
Shewantedtoprovehim。Shebelievedthathischiefneedinlife,washerself。Ifshecouldproveit,bothtoherselfandtohim,therestmightgo;shecouldsimplytrusttothefuture。
第9章