Shestrokedhishairslowlywithherthinhand。
“Don’tcry,“shesaid。”Don’tcry——it’snothing。”
Buthefeltasifhisbloodwasmeltingintotears,andhe,criedinterrorandpain。
“Don’t——don’tcry,“hismotherfaltered。
Slowlyshestrokedhishair。Shockedoutofhimself,hecried,andthetearshurtineveryfibreofhisbody。Suddenlyhestopped,buthedarednotlifthisfaceoutofthebedclothes。
“YouARElate。Wherehaveyoubeen?”hismotherasked。
“Thetrainwaslate,“hereplied,muffledinthesheet。
“Yes;thatmiserableCentral!,IsNewtoncome?”
“Yes。”
“I’msureyoumustbehungry,andthey’vekeptdinnerwaiting。”
Withawrenchhelookedupather。
“Whatisit,mother?”heaskedbrutally。
Sheavertedhereyesassheanswered:
“Onlyabitofatumour,myboy。Youneedn’ttrouble。
It’sbeenthere——thelumphas——alongtime。”
Upcamethetearsagain。Hismindwasclearandhard,buthisbodywascrying。
“Where?”hesaid。
Sheputherhandonherside。
“Here。Butyouknowtheycanswealatumouraway。”
Hestoodfeelingdazedandhelpless,likeachild。Hethought,perhapsitwasasshesaid。Yes;hereassuredhimselfitwasso。
Butallthewhilehisbloodandhisbodyknewdefinitelywhatitwas。
Hesatdownonthebed,andtookherhand。Shehadneverhadbutthe,onering——herwedding-ring。
“Whenwereyoupoorly?”heasked。
“Itwasyesterdayitbegan,“sheansweredsubmissively。
“Pains?”
“Yes;butnotmorethanI’veoftenhadathome。Ibelieve,Dr。Ansellisanalarmist。”
“Yououghtnottohavetravelledalone,“hesaid,tohimself,morethantoher。
“Asifthathadanythingtodowithit!”sheansweredquickly。
Theyweresilentforawhile。
“Nowgoandhaveyourdinner,“shesaid。”YouMUSTbehungry。”
“Haveyouhadyours?”
“Yes;abeautifulsoleIhad。AnnieISgoodtome。”
Theytalkedalittlewhile,thenhewentdownstairs。
Hewasverywhiteandstrained。Newtonsatinmiserablesympathy。
AfterdinnerhewentintothescullerytohelpAnnietowashup。
Thelittlemaidhadgoneonanerrand。
“Isitreallyatumour?”heasked。
Anniebegantocryagain。
“Thepainshehadyesterday——Ineversawanybodysufferlikeit!”
shecried。”LeonardranlikeamadmanforDr。Ansell,andwhenshe’d,gottobedshesaidtome:,’Annie,lookatthislumponmyside。
Iwonderwhatitis?’,AndthereIlooked,andIthoughtIshould,havedropped。Paul,astrueasI’mhere,it’salumpasbigasmy,doublefist。Isaid:,’Goodgracious,mother,wheneverdidthatcome?’
’Why,child,’shesaid,’it’sbeentherealongtime。’,IthoughtI
shouldhavedied,ourPaul,Idid。She’sbeenhavingthesepains,formonthsathome,andnobodylookingafterher。”
Thetearscametohiseyes,thendriedsuddenly。
“Butshe’sbeenattendingthedoctorinNottingham——andshe,nevertoldme,“hesaid。
“IfI’dhavebeenathome,“saidAnnie,“Ishouldhaveseen,formyself。”
Hefeltlikeamanwalkinginunrealities。Intheafternoon,hewenttoseethedoctor。Thelatterwasashrewd,lovableman。
“Butwhatisit?”hesaid。
Thedoctorlookedattheyoungman,thenknittedhisfingers。
“Itmaybealargetumourwhichhasformedinthemembrane,“
hesaidslowly,“andwhichweMAYbeabletomakegoaway。”
“Can’tyouoperate?”askedPaul。
“Notthere,“repliedthedoctor。
“Areyousure?”
“QUITE!”
Paulmeditatedawhile。
“Areyousureit’satumour?”heasked。”WhydidDr。Jameson,inNottinghamneverfindoutanythingaboutit?,She’sbeengoing,tohimforweeks,andhe’streatedherforheartandindigestion。”
“Mrs。MorelnevertoldDr。Jamesonaboutthelump,“saidthedoctor。
“AnddoyouKNOWit’satumour?”
“No,Iamnotsure。”
“WhatelseMIGHTitbe?,Youaskedmysisteriftherewas,cancerinthefamily。Mightitbecancer?”
“Idon’tknow。”
“Andwhatshallyoudo?”
“Ishouldlikeanexamination,withDr。Jameson。”
“Thenhaveone。”
“Youmustarrangeaboutthat。Hisfeewouldn’tbelessthan,tenguineastocomeherefromNottingham。”
“Whenwouldyoulikehimtocome?”
“Iwillcallinthisevening,andwewilltalkitover。”
Paulwentaway,bitinghislip。
Hismothercouldcomedownstairsfortea,thedoctorsaid。
Hersonwentupstairstohelpher。Sheworetheold-rosedressing-gown,thatLeonardhadgivenAnnie,and,withalittlecolourinherface,wasquiteyoungagain。
“Butyoulookquiteprettyinthat,“hesaid。
“Yes;theymakemesofine,Ihardlyknowmyself,“sheanswered。
Butwhenshestooduptowalk,thecolourwent。Paulhelpedher,half-carryingher。Atthetopofthestairsshewasgone。Helifted,herupandcarriedherquicklydownstairs;laidheronthecouch。
Shewaslightandfrail。Herfacelookedasifsheweredead,withbluelipsshuttight。Hereyesopened——herblue,unfailingeyes——
andshelookedathimpleadingly,almostwantinghimtoforgiveher。
Heheldbrandytoherlips,buthermouthwouldnotopen。
Allthetimeshewatchedhimlovingly。Shewasonlysorryforhim。
Thetearsrandownhisfacewithoutceasing,butnotamusclemoved。
Hewasintentongettingalittlebrandybetweenherlips。
Soonshewasabletoswallowateaspoonful。Shelayback,sotired。
Thetearscontinuedtorundownhisface。
“But,“shepanted,“it’llgooff。Don’tcry!”
“I’mnotdoing,“hesaid。
Afterawhileshewasbetteragain。Hewaskneelingbeside,thecouch。Theylookedintoeachother’seyes。
“Idon’twantyoutomakeatroubleofit,“shesaid。
“No,mother。You’llhavetobequitestill,andthenyou’ll,getbettersoon。”
Buthewaswhitetothelips,andtheireyesastheylooked,ateachotherunderstood。Hereyesweresoblue——suchawonderful,forget-me-notblue!,Hefeltifonlytheyhadbeenofadifferent,colourhecouldhaveborneitbetter。Hisheartseemedtobe,rippingslowlyinhisbreast。Hekneeledthere,holdingherhand,andneithersaidanything。ThenAnniecamein。
“Areyouallright?”shemurmuredtimidlytohermother。
“Ofcourse,“saidMrs。Morel。
PaulsatdownandtoldheraboutBlackpool。Shewascurious。
Adayortwoafter,hewenttoseeDr。JamesoninNottingham,toarrangeforaconsultation。Paulhadpracticallynomoneyin,theworld。Buthecouldborrow。
Hismotherhadbeenusedtogotothepublicconsultationon,Saturdaymorning,whenshecouldseethedoctorforonlyanominalsum。
Hersonwentonthesameday。Thewaiting-roomwasfullofpoorwomen,whosatpatientlyonabencharoundthewall。Paulthoughtof,hismother,inherlittleblackcostume,sittingwaitinglikewise。
Thedoctorwaslate。Thewomenalllookedratherfrightened。
Paulaskedthenurseinattendanceifhecouldseethedoctor,immediatelyhecame。Itwasarrangedso。Thewomensitting,patientlyroundthewallsoftheroomeyedtheyoungmancuriously。
Atlastthedoctorcame。Hewasaboutforty,good-looking,brown-skinned。Hiswifehaddied,andhe,whohadlovedher,hadspecialisedonwomen’sailments。
Paultoldhisnameandhismother’s。Thedoctordidnotremember。
“Numberforty-sixM。”saidthenurse;andthedoctorlooked,upthecaseinhisbook。
“Thereisabiglumpthatmaybeatumour,“saidPaul。
“ButDr。Ansellwasgoingtowriteyoualetter。”
“Ah,yes!”repliedthedoctor,drawingtheletterfrom,hispocket。Hewasveryfriendly,affable,busy,kind。Hewould,cometoSheffieldthenextday。
“Whatisyourfather?”heasked。
“Heisacoal-miner,“repliedPaul。
“Notverywelloff,Isuppose?”
“This——Iseeafterthis,“saidPaul。
“Andyou?”smiledthedoctor。
“IamaclerkinJordan’sApplianceFactory。”
Thedoctorsmiledathim。
“Er——togotoSheffield!”hesaid,puttingthetipsofhis,fingerstogether,andsmilingwithhiseyes。”Eightguineas?”
“Thankyou!”saidPaul,flushingandrising。”Andyou’ll,cometo-morrow?”
“To-morrow——Sunday?,Yes!,Canyoutellmeaboutwhattimethere,isatrainintheafternoon?”
“ThereisaCentralgetsinatfour-fifteen。”
“Andwilltherebeanywayofgettinguptothehouse?
ShallIhavetowalk?”Thedoctorsmiled。
“Thereisthetram,“saidPaul;“theWesternParktram。”
Thedoctormadeanoteofit。
“Thankyou!”hesaid,andshookhands。
ThenPaulwentonhometoseehisfather,whowasleftin,thechargeofMinnie。WalterMorelwasgettingverygreynow。
Paulfoundhimdigginginthegarden。Hehadwrittenhimaletter。
Heshookhandswithhisfather。
“Hello,son!,Thahaslanded,then?”saidthefather。
“Yes,“repliedtheson。”ButI’mgoingbackto-night。”
“Areter,beguy!”exclaimedthecollier。”An’hastereatenowt?”
“No。”
“That’sjustlikethee,“saidMorel。”Comethywaysin。”
Thefatherwasafraidofthementionofhiswife。Thetwo,wentindoors。Paulateinsilence;hisfather,withearthyhands,andsleevesrolledup,satinthearm-chairoppositeandlooked,athim。
“Well,an’howisshe?”askedthemineratlength,inalittlevoice。
“Shecansitup;shecanbecarrieddownfortea,“saidPaul。
“That’sablessin’!”exclaimedMorel。”Ihopewes’llsoon,behavin’herwhoam,then。An’what’sthatNottinghamdoctorsay?”
“He’sgoingto-morrowtohaveanexaminationofher。”
“Ishebeguy!,That’satidypenny,I’mthinkin’!”
“Eightguineas。”
“Eightguineas!”theminerspokebreathlessly。”Well,wemun,finditfromsomewhere。”
“Icanpaythat,“saidPaul。
Therewassilencebetweenthemforsometime。
“Shesaysshehopesyou’regettingonallrightwithMinnie,“
Paulsaid。
“Yes,I’mallright,an’Iwishasshewas,“answeredMorel。
“ButMinnie’sagoodlittlewench,bless’erheart!”Hesat,lookingdismal。
“Is’llhavetobegoingathalf-pastthree,“saidPaul。
“It’satrapseforthee,lad!,Eightguineas!,An’whendost,thinkshe’llbeabletogetasfarasthis?”
“Wemustseewhatthedoctorssayto-morrow,“Paulsaid。
Morelsigheddeeply。Thehouseseemedstrangelyempty,andPaulthoughthisfatherlookedlost,forlorn,andold。
“You’llhavetogoandseehernextweek,father,“hesaid。
“Ihopeshe’llbea-whoambythattime,“saidMorel。
“Ifshe’snot,“saidPaul,“thenyoumustcome。”
“IdunnowheerIs’llfindth’money,“saidMorel。
“AndI’llwritetoyouwhatthedoctorsays,“saidPaul。
“Butthawritesi’suchafashion,Icannama’eitout,“
saidMorel。
“Well,I’llwriteplain。”
ItwasnogoodaskingMoreltoanswer,forhecouldscarcely,domorethanwritehisownname。
Thedoctorcame。Leonardfeltithisdutytomeethimwithacab。
Theexaminationdidnottakelong。Annie,Arthur,Paul,andLeonard,werewaitingintheparlouranxiously。Thedoctorscamedown。
Paulglancedatthem。Hehadneverhadanyhope,exceptwhenhehad,deceivedhimself。
“ItMAYbeatumour;wemustwaitandsee,“saidDr。Jameson。
“Andifitis,“saidAnnie,“canyouswealitaway?”
“Probably,“saidthedoctor。
Paulputeightsovereignsandhalfasovereignonthetable。
Thedoctorcountedthem,tookaflorinoutofhispurse,andput,thatdown。
“Thankyou!”hesaid。”I’msorryMrs。Morelissoill。
Butwemustseewhatwecando。”
“Therecan’tbeanoperation?”saidPaul。
Thedoctorshookhishead。
“No,“hesaid;“andeveniftherecould,herheartwouldn’t,standit。”
“Isherheartrisky?”askedPaul。
“Yes;youmustbecarefulwithher。”
“Veryrisky?”
“No——er——no,no!,Justtakecare。”
Andthedoctorwasgone。
ThenPaulcarriedhismotherdownstairs。Shelaysimply,likeachild。Butwhenhewasonthestairs,sheputherarmsround,hisneck,clinging。
“I’msofrightenedofthesebeastlystairs,“shesaid。
Andhewasfrightened,too。HewouldletLeonarddoit,anothertime。Hefelthecouldnotcarryher。
“Hethinksit’sonlyatumour!”criedAnnietohermother。
“Andhecanswealitaway。”
“IKNEWhecould,“protestedMrs。Morelscornfully。
ShepretendednottonoticethatPaulhadgoneoutoftheroom。
Hesatinthekitchen,smoking。Thenhetriedtobrushsomegreyash,offhiscoat。Helookedagain。Itwasoneofhismother’sgreyhairs。
Itwassolong!,Hehelditup,anditdriftedintothechimney。
Heletgo。Thelonggreyhairfloatedandwasgoneintheblackness,ofthechimney。
Thenextdayhekissedherbeforegoingbacktowork。
Itwasveryearlyinthemorning,andtheywerealone。
“Youwon’tfret,myboy!”shesaid。
“No,mother。”
“No;itwouldbesilly。Andtakecareofyourself。”
“Yes,“heanswered。Then,afterawhile:,“AndIshallcome,nextSaturday,andshallbringmyfather?”
“Isupposehewantstocome,“shereplied。”Atanyrate,ifhedoesyou’llhavetolethim。”
Hekissedheragain,andstrokedthehairfromhertemples,gently,tenderly,asifshewerealover。
“Shan’tyoubelate?”shemurmured。
“I’mgoing,“hesaid,verylow。
Stillhesatafewminutes,strokingthebrownandgreyhair,fromhertemples。
“Andyouwon’tbeanyworse,mother?”
“No,myson。”
“Youpromiseme?”
“Yes;Iwon’tbeanyworse。”
Hekissedher,heldherinhisarmsforamoment,andwasgone。
Intheearlysunnymorningherantothestation,cryingalltheway;
hedidnotknowwhatfor。Andherblueeyeswerewideandstaring,asshethoughtofhim。
IntheafternoonhewentawalkwithClara。Theysat,inthelittlewoodwherebluebellswerestanding。Hetookherhand。
“You’llsee,“hesaidtoClara,“she’llneverbebetter。”
“Oh,youdon’tknow!”repliedtheother。
“Ido,“hesaid。
Shecaughthimimpulsivelytoherbreast。
“Tryandforgetit,dear,“shesaid;“tryandforgetit。”
“Iwill,“heanswered。
Herbreastwasthere,warmforhim;herhandswereinhishair。
Itwascomforting,andheheldhisarmsroundher。Buthedid,notforget。HeonlytalkedtoClaraofsomethingelse。Andit,wasalwaysso。Whenshefeltitcoming,theagony,shecried,tohim:
“Don’tthinkofit,Paul!,Don’tthinkofit,mydarling!”
Andshepressedhimtoherbreast,rockedhim,soothedhim,likeachild。Soheputthetroubleasideforhersake,totakeit,upagainimmediatelyhewasalone。Allthetime,ashewentabout,hecriedmechanically。Hismindandhandswerebusy。Hecried,hedidnotknowwhy。Itwashisbloodweeping。Hewasjustasmuch,alonewhetherhewaswithClaraorwiththemenintheWhiteHorse。
Justhimselfandthispressureinsidehim,thatwasallthatexisted。
Hereadsometimes。Hehadtokeephismindoccupied。AndClarawasa,wayofoccupyinghismind。
OntheSaturdayWalterMorelwenttoSheffield。Hewas,aforlornfigure,lookingratherasifnobodyownedhim。
Paulranupstairs。
“Myfather’scome,“hesaid,kissinghismother。
“Hashe?”sheansweredwearily。
Theoldcolliercameratherfrightenedintothebedroom。
“HowdunIfindthee,lass?”hesaid,goingforwardandkissing,herinahasty,timidfashion。
“Well,I’mmiddlin’,“shereplied。
“Iseethaart,“hesaid。Hestoodlookingdownonher。
Thenhewipedhiseyeswithhishandkerchief。Helpless,andasif,nobodyownedhim,helooked。
“Haveyougoneonallright?”askedthewife,ratherwearily,asifitwereanefforttotalktohim。
“Yis,“heanswered。”’Er’sabitbehint-handnowandagain,as,yermightexpect。”
“Doesshehaveyourdinnerready?”askedMrs。Morel。
“Well,I’ve’adtoshoutat’eronceortwice,“hesaid。
“AndyouMUSTshoutatherifshe’snotready。SheWILLleave,thingstothelastminute。”
Shegavehimafewinstructions。Hesatlookingatheras,ifshewerealmostastrangertohim,beforewhomhewasawkward,andhumble,andalsoasifhehadlosthispresenceofmind,andwantedtorun。Thisfeelingthathewantedtorunaway,thathewasonthornstobegonefromsotryingasituation,andyet,mustlingerbecauseitlookedbetter,madehispresencesotrying。
Heputuphiseyebrowsformisery,andclenchedhisfistsonhisknees,feelingsoawkwardinpresenceofbigtrouble。
Mrs。Moreldidnotchangemuch。ShestayedinSheffield,fortwomonths。Ifanything,attheendshewasratherworse。
Butshewantedtogohome。Anniehadherchildren。Mrs。Morel,wantedtogohome。Sotheygotamotor-carfromNottingham——forshe,wastooilltogobytrain——andshewasdriventhroughthesunshine。
ItwasjustAugust;everythingwasbrightandwarm。Undertheblue,skytheycouldallseeshewasdying。Yetshewasjollierthanshe,hadbeenforweeks。Theyalllaughedandtalked。
“Annie,“sheexclaimed,“Isawalizarddartonthatrock!”
Hereyesweresoquick;shewasstillsofulloflife。
Morelknewshewascoming。Hehadthefrontdooropen。
Everybodywasontiptoe。Halfthestreetturnedout。Theyheard,thesoundofthegreatmotor-car。Mrs。Morel,smiling,drovehome,downthestreet。
“Andjustlookatthemallcomeouttoseeme!”shesaid。
“Butthere,IsupposeIshouldhavedonethesame。Howdoyoudo,Mrs。Mathews?,Howareyou,Mrs。Harrison?”
Theynoneofthemcouldhear,buttheysawhersmileandnod。
Andtheyallsawdeathonherface,theysaid。Itwasagreatevent,inthestreet。
Morelwantedtocarryherindoors,buthewastooold。
Arthurtookherasifshewereachild。Theyhadsetherabig,deepchairbythehearthwhereherrocking-chairusedtostand。
Whenshewasunwrappedandseated,andhaddrunkalittlebrandy,shelookedroundtheroom。
“Don’tthinkIdon’tlikeyourhouse,Annie,“shesaid;
“butit’snicetobeinmyownhomeagain。”
AndMorelansweredhuskily:
“Itis,lass,itis。”
AndMinnie,thelittlequaintmaid,said:
“An’wegladt’’aveyer。”
Therewasalovelyyellowravelofsunflowersinthegarden。
Shelookedoutofthewindow。
“Therearemysunflowers!”shesaid。
CHAPTERXIV
THERELEASE
“Bytheway,“saidDr。AnselloneeveningwhenMorelwas,inSheffield,“we’vegotamaninthefeverhospitalherewhocomes,fromNottingham——Dawes。Hedoesn’tseemtohavemanybelongings,inthisworld。”
“BaxterDawes!”Paulexclaimed。
“That’stheman——hasbeenafinefellow,physically,Ishouldthink。
Beeninabitofamesslately。Youknowhim?”
“HeusedtoworkattheplacewhereIam。”
“Didhe?,Doyouknowanythingabouthim?,He’sjustsulking,orhe’dbealotbetterthanheisbynow。”
“Idon’tknowanythingofhishomecircumstances,exceptthat,he’sseparatedfromhiswifeandhasbeenabitdown,Ibelieve。
Buttellhimaboutme,willyou?,TellhimI’llcomeandseehim。”
ThenexttimeMorelsawthedoctorhesaid:
“AndwhataboutDawes?”
“Isaidtohim,“answeredtheother,“’Doyouknowamanfrom,NottinghamnamedMorel?’andhelookedatmeasifhe’djumpat,mythroat。SoIsaid:,’Iseeyouknowthename;it’sPaulMorel。’
ThenItoldhimaboutyoursayingyouwouldgoandseehim。
’Whatdoeshewant?’hesaid,asifyouwereapoliceman。”
“Anddidhesayhewouldseeme?”askedPaul。
“Hewouldn’tsayanything——good,badorindifferent,“
repliedthedoctor。
“Whynot?”
“That’swhatIwanttoknow。Thereheliesandsulks,dayin,dayout。Can’tgetawordofinformationoutofhim。”
“DoyouthinkImightgo?”askedPaul。
“Youmight。”
Therewasafeelingofconnectionbetweentherivalmen,morethaneversincetheyhadfought。InawayMorelfeltguilty,towardstheother,andmoreorlessresponsible。Andbeinginsuch,astateofsoulhimself,hefeltanalmostpainfulnearnesstoDawes,whowassufferinganddespairing,too。Besides,theyhadmet,inanakedextremityofhate,anditwasabond。Atanyrate,theelementalmanineachhadmet。
Hewentdowntotheisolationhospital,withDr。Ansell’scard。
Thissister,ahealthyyoungIrishwoman,ledhimdowntheward。
“Avisitortoseeyou,JimCrow,“shesaid。
Dawesturnedoversuddenlywithastartledgrunt。
“Eh?”
“Caw!”shemocked。”Hecanonlysay’Caw!’,Ihavebroughtyou,agentlemantoseeyou。Nowsay’Thankyou,’andshowsomemanners。”
Daweslookedswiftlywithhisdark,startledeyesbeyondthesister,atPaul。Hislookwasfulloffear,mistrust,hate,andmisery。
Morelmettheswift,darkeyes,andhesitated。Thetwomenwere,afraidofthenakedselvestheyhadbeen。
“Dr。Anselltoldmeyouwerehere,“saidMorel,holdingout,hishand。
Dawesmechanicallyshookhands。
“SoIthoughtI’dcomein,“continuedPaul。
Therewasnoanswer。Daweslaystaringattheoppositewall。
“Say’Caw!”’mockedthenurse。”Say’Caw!’,JimCrow。”
“Heisgettingonallright?”saidPaultoher。
“Ohyes!,Heliesandimagineshe’sgoingtodie,“saidthenurse,“anditfrightenseverywordoutofhismouth。”
“AndyouMUSThavesomebodytotalkto,“laughedMorel。
“That’sit!”laughedthenurse。”Onlytwooldmenandaboy,whoalwayscries。Itishardlines!,HereamIdyingtohearJim,Crow’svoice,andnothingbutanodd’Caw!’willhegive!”
“Soroughonyou!”saidMorel。
“Isn’tit?”saidthenurse。
“IsupposeIamagodsend,“helaughed。
“Oh,droppedstraightfromheaven!”laughedthenurse。
Presentlysheleftthetwomenalone。Daweswasthinner,andhandsomeagain,butlifeseemedlowinhim。Asthedoctorsaid,hewaslyingsulking,andwouldnotmoveforwardtowardsconvalescence。
Heseemedtogrudgeeverybeatofhisheart。
“Haveyouhadabadtime?”askedPaul。
SuddenlyagainDaweslookedathim。
“WhatareyoudoinginSheffield?”heasked。
“Mymotherwastakenillatmysister’sinThurstonStreet。
Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Therewasnoanswer。
“Howlonghaveyoubeenin?”Morelasked。
“Icouldn’tsayforsure,“Dawesansweredgrudgingly。
Helaystaringacrossatthewallopposite,asiftryingto,believeMorelwasnotthere。Paulfelthisheartgohardandangry。
“Dr。Anselltoldmeyouwerehere,“hesaidcoldly。
Theothermandidnotanswer。
“Typhoid’sprettybad,Iknow,“Morelpersisted。
SuddenlyDawessaid:
“Whatdidyoucomefor?”
“BecauseDr。Ansellsaidyoudidn’tknowanybodyhere。
Doyou?”
“Iknownobodynowhere,“saidDawes。
“Well,“saidPaul,“it’sbecauseyoudon’tchooseto,then。”
Therewasanothersilence。
“Wes’llbetakingmymotherhomeassoonaswecan,“
saidPaul。
“What’sa-matterwithher?”askedDawes,withasickman’s,interestinillness。
“She’sgotacancer。”
Therewasanothersilence。
“Butwewanttogetherhome,“saidPaul。”Wes’llhavetoget,amotor-car。”
Daweslaythinking。
“Whydon’tyouaskThomasJordantolendyouhis?”saidDawes。
“It’snotbigenough,“Morelanswered。
Dawesblinkedhisdarkeyesashelaythinking。
“ThenaskJackPilkington;he’dlendityou。Youknowhim。”
“IthinkIs’llhireone,“saidPaul。
“You’reafoolifyoudo,“saidDawes。
Thesickmanwasgauntandhandsomeagain。Paulwassorry,forhimbecausehiseyeslookedsotired。
“Didyougetajobhere?”heasked。
“IwasonlyhereadayortwobeforeIwastakenbad,“
Dawesreplied。
“Youwanttogetinaconvalescenthome,“saidPaul。
Theother’sfacecloudedagain。
“I’mgoin’innoconvalescenthome,“hesaid。
“Myfather’sbeenintheoneatSeathorpe,an’helikedit。
Dr。Ansellwouldgetyouarecommend。”
Daweslaythinking。Itwasevidenthedarednotface,theworldagain。
“Theseasidewouldbeallrightjustnow,“Morelsaid。
“Sunonthosesandhills,andthewavesnotfarout。”
Theotherdidnotanswer。
“ByGad!”Paulconcluded,toomiserabletobothermuch;
“it’sallrightwhenyouknowyou’regoingtowalkagain,andswim!”
Dawesglancedathimquickly。Theman’sdarkeyeswere,afraidtomeetanyothereyesintheworld。Buttherealmisery,andhelplessnessinPaul’stonegavehimafeelingofrelief。
“Isshefargone?”heasked。
“She’sgoinglikewax,“Paulanswered;“butcheerful——lively!”
Hebithislip。Afteraminuteherose。
“Well,I’llbegoing,“hesaid。”I’llleaveyouthishalf-crown。”
“Idon’twantit,“Dawesmuttered。
Moreldidnotanswer,butleftthecoinonthetable。
“Well,“hesaid,“I’lltryandruninwhenI’mbackinSheffield。
Happenyoumightliketoseemybrother-in-law?,HeworksinPyecrofts。”
“Idon’tknowhim,“saidDawes。
“He’sallright。ShouldItellhimtocome?,Hemightbring,yousomepaperstolookat。”
Theothermandidnotanswer。Paulwent。Thestrongemotion,thatDawesarousedinhim,repressed,madehimshiver。
Hedidnottellhismother,butnextdayhespoketoClara,aboutthisinterview。Itwasinthedinner-hour。Thetwodid,notoftengoouttogethernow,butthisdayheaskedhertogo,withhimtotheCastlegrounds。Theretheysatwhilethescarlet,geraniumsandtheyellowcalceolariasblazedinthesunlight。
Shewasnowalwaysratherprotective,andratherresentfultowardshim。
“DidyouknowBaxterwasinSheffieldHospitalwithtyphoid?”
heasked。
Shelookedathimwithstartledgreyeyes,andherfacewentpale。
“No,“shesaid,frightened。
“He’sgettingbetter。Iwenttoseehimyesterday——thedoctor,toldme。”
Claraseemedstrickenbythenews。
“Isheverybad?”sheaskedguiltily。
“Hehasbeen。He’smendingnow。”
“Whatdidhesaytoyou?”
“Oh,nothing!,Heseemstobesulking。”
Therewasadistancebetweenthetwoofthem。Hegaveher,moreinformation。
Shewentaboutshutupandsilent。Thenexttimetheytook,awalktogether,shedisengagedherselffromhisarm,andwalked,atadistancefromhim。Hewaswantinghercomfortbadly。
“Won’tyoubenicewithme?”heasked。
Shedidnotanswer。
“What’sthematter?”hesaid,puttinghisarmacrosshershoulder。
“Don’t!”shesaid,disengagingherself。
Heleftheralone,andreturnedtohisownbrooding。
“IsitBaxterthatupsetsyou?”heaskedatlength。
“IHAVEbeenVILEtohim!”shesaid。
“I’vesaidmanyatimeyouhaven’ttreatedhimwell,“
hereplied。
Andtherewasahostilitybetweenthem。Eachpursuedhisown,trainofthought。
“I’vetreatedhim——no,I’vetreatedhimbadly,“shesaid。
“AndnowyoutreatMEbadly。Itservesmeright。”
“HowdoItreatyoubadly?”hesaid。
“Itservesmeright,“sherepeated。”Ineverconsideredhim,worthhaving,andnowyoudon’tconsiderME。Butitservesme,right。Helovedmeathousandtimesbetterthanyoueverdid。”
“Hedidn’t!”protestedPaul。
“Hedid!,Atanyrate,hedidrespectme,andthat’swhatyou,don’tdo。”
“Itlookedasifherespectedyou!”hesaid。
“Hedid!,AndIMADEhimhorrid——IknowIdid!,You’vetaught,methat。Andhelovedmeathousandtimesbetterthaneveryoudo。”
“Allright,“saidPaul。
Heonlywantedtobeleftalonenow。Hehadhisowntrouble,whichwasalmosttoomuchtobear。Claraonlytormentedhimandmade,himtired。Hewasnotsorrywhenhelefther。
ShewentonthefirstopportunitytoSheffieldtosee,herhusband。Themeetingwasnotasuccess。Butshelefthim,rosesandfruitandmoney。Shewantedtomakerestitution。
Itwasnotthatshelovedhim。Asshelookedathimlyingthere,herheartdidnotwarmwithlove。Onlyshewantedtohumble,herselftohim,tokneelbeforehim。Shewantednowtobe,self-sacrificial。Afterall,shehadfailedtomakeMorelreally,loveher。Shewasmorallyfrightened。Shewantedtodopenance。
SoshekneeledtoDawes,anditgavehimasubtlepleasure。
Butthedistancebetweenthemwasstillverygreat——toogreat。
Itfrightenedtheman。Italmostpleasedthewoman。Sheliked,tofeelshewasservinghimacrossaninsuperabledistance。
Shewasproudnow。
MorelwenttoseeDawesonceortwice。Therewasasortof,friendshipbetweenthetwomen,whowereallthewhiledeadlyrivals。
Buttheynevermentionedthewomanwhowasbetweenthem。
Mrs。Morelgotgraduallyworse。Atfirsttheyusedtocarry,herdownstairs,sometimesevenintothegarden。Shesatpropped,inherchair,smiling,andsopretty。Thegoldwedding-ringshone,onherwhitehand;herhairwascarefullybrushed。Andshewatched,thetangledsunflowersdying,thechrysanthemumscomingout,andthedahlias。
Paulandshewereafraidofeachother。Heknew,andsheknew,thatshewasdying。Buttheykeptupapretenceofcheerfulness。
Everymorning,whenhegotup,hewentintoherroominhispyjamas。
“Didyousleep,mydear?”heasked。
“Yes,“sheanswered。
“Notverywell?”
“Well,yes!“
Thenheknewshehadlainawake。Hesawherhandunder,thebedclothes,pressingtheplaceonhersidewherethepainwas。
“Hasitbeenbad?”heasked。
“No。Ithurtabit,butnothingtomention。”
Andshesniffedinheroldscornfulway。Asshelayshe,lookedlikeagirl。Andallthewhileherblueeyeswatchedhim。
Buttherewerethedarkpain-circlesbeneaththatmadehimacheagain。
“It’sasunnyday,“hesaid。
“It’sabeautifulday。”
“Doyouthinkyou’llbecarrieddown?”
“Ishallsee。”
Thenhewentawaytogetherbreakfast。Alldaylonghe,wasconsciousofnothingbuther。Itwasalongachethatmade,himfeverish。Then,whenhegothomeintheearlyevening,heglanced,throughthekitchenwindow。Shewasnotthere;shehadnotgotup。
Heranstraightupstairsandkissedher。Hewasalmostafraid,toask:
“Didn’tyougetup,pigeon?”
“No,“shesaid。”itwasthatmorphia;itmademetired。”
“Ithinkhegivesyoutoomuch,“hesaid。
“Ithinkhedoes,“sheanswered。
Hesatdownbythebed,miserably。Shehadawayofcurling,andlyingonherside,likeachild。Thegreyandbrownhair,waslooseoverherear。
“Doesn’tittickleyou?”hesaid,gentlyputtingitback。
“Itdoes,“shereplied。
Hisfacewasnearhers。Herblueeyessmiledstraightintohis,likeagirl’s——warm,laughingwithtenderlove。Itmadehimpant,withterror,agony,andlove。
“Youwantyourhairdoinginaplait,“hesaid。”Liestill。”
Andgoingbehindher,hecarefullyloosenedherhair,brusheditout。Itwaslikefinelongsilkofbrownandgrey。
Herheadwassnuggledbetweenhershoulders。Ashelightly,brushedandplaitedherhair,hebithislipandfeltdazed。
Itallseemedunreal,hecouldnotunderstandit。
Atnightheoftenworkedinherroom,lookingupfromtime,totime。Andsooftenhefoundherblueeyesfixedonhim。
Andwhentheireyesmet,shesmiled。Heworkedawayagainmechanically,producinggoodstuffwithoutknowingwhathewasdoing。
Sometimeshecamein,verypaleandstill,withwatchful,suddeneyes,likeamanwhoisdrunkalmosttodeath。Theywere,bothafraidoftheveilsthatwererippingbetweenthem。
Thenshepretendedtobebetter,chatteredtohimgaily,madeagreatfussoversomescrapsofnews。Fortheyhadbothcome,totheconditionwhentheyhadtomakemuchofthetrifles,lestthey,shouldgiveintothebigthing,andtheirhumanindependencewould,gosmash。Theywereafraid,sotheymadelightofthingsandweregay。
Sometimesasshelayheknewshewasthinkingofthepast。
Hermouthgraduallyshuthardinaline。Shewasholdingherselfrigid,sothatshemightdiewithouteverutteringthegreatcrythat,wastearingfromher。Heneverforgotthathard,utterlylonely,andstubbornclenchingofhermouth,whichpersistedforweeks。
Sometimes,whenitwaslighter,shetalkedaboutherhusband。
Nowshehatedhim。Shedidnotforgivehim。Shecouldnotbearhim,tobeintheroom。Andafewthings,thethingsthathadbeenmost,bittertoher,cameupagainsostronglythattheybrokefromher,andshetoldherson。
Hefeltasifhislifewerebeingdestroyed,piecebypiece,withinhim。Oftenthetearscamesuddenly。Herantothestation,thetear-dropsfallingonthepavement。Oftenhecouldnotgo,onwithhiswork。Thepenstoppedwriting。Hesatstaring,quiteunconscious。Andwhenhecameroundagainhefeltsick,andtrembledinhislimbs。Heneverquestionedwhatitwas。
Hisminddidnottrytoanalyseorunderstand。Hemerelysubmitted,andkepthiseyesshut;letthethinggooverhim。
Hismotherdidthesame。Shethoughtofthepain,ofthe,morphia,ofthenextday;hardlyeverofthedeath。Thatwascoming,sheknew。Shehadtosubmittoit。Butshewouldneverentreatit,ormakefriendswithit。Blind,withherfaceshuthardandblind,shewaspushedtowardsthedoor。Thedayspassed,theweeks,themonths。
Sometimes,inthesunnyafternoons,sheseemedalmosthappy。
“Itrytothinkofthenicetimes——whenwewenttoMablethorpe,andRobinHood’sBay,andShanklin,“shesaid。”Afterall,noteverybodyhasseenthosebeautifulplaces。Andwasn’titbeautiful!
Itrytothinkofthat,notoftheotherthings。”
Then,again,forawholeeveningshespokenotaword;
neitherdidhe。Theyweretogether,rigid,stubborn,silent。Hewent,intohisroomatlasttogotobed,andleanedagainstthedoorway,asifparalysed,unabletogoanyfarther。Hisconsciousnesswent。
Afuriousstorm,heknewnotwhat,seemedtoravageinsidehim。
Hestoodleaningthere,submitting,neverquestioning。
Inthemorningtheywerebothnormalagain,thoughherface,wasgreywiththemorphia,andherbodyfeltlikeash。Buttheywere,brightagain,nevertheless。Often,especiallyifAnnieorArthur,wereathome,heneglectedher。HedidnotseemuchofClara。
Usuallyhewaswithmen。Hewasquickandactiveandlively;
butwhenhisfriendssawhimgowhitetothegills,hiseyesdark,andglittering,theyhadacertainmistrustofhim。Sometimeshe,wenttoClara,butshewasalmostcoldtohim。
“Takeme!”hesaidsimply。
Occasionallyshewould。Butshewasafraid。Whenhehad,herthen,therewassomethinginitthatmadehershrinkawayfrom,him——somethingunnatural。Shegrewtodreadhim。Hewassoquiet,yetsostrange。Shewasafraidofthemanwhowasnottherewithher,whomshecouldfeelbehindthismake-belieflover;somebodysinister,thatfilledherwithhorror。Shebegantohaveakindofhorror,ofhim。Itwasalmostasifhewereacriminal。Hewantedher——he,hadher——anditmadeherfeelasifdeathitselfhadherinitsgrip。
Shelayinhorror。Therewasnomantherelovingher。Shealmost,hatedhim。Thencamelittleboutsoftenderness。Butshedarednot,pityhim。
DaweshadcometoColonelSeely’sHomenearNottingham。
TherePaulvisitedhimsometimes,Claraveryoccasionally。
Betweenthetwomenthefriendshipdevelopedpeculiarly。
Dawes,whomendedveryslowlyandseemedveryfeeble,seemedtoleavehimselfinthehandsofMorel。
InthebeginningofNovemberClararemindedPaulthatit,washerbirthday。
“I’dnearlyforgotten,“hesaid。
“I’dthoughtquite,“shereplied。
“No。Shallwegototheseasidefortheweek-end?”
第16章