CHAPTERX
CLARA
WHENhewastwenty-threeyearsold,Paulsentinalandscapeto,thewinterexhibitionatNottinghamCastle。MissJordanhadtaken,agooddealofinterestinhim,andinvitedhimtoherhouse,wherehemetotherartists。Hewasbeginningtogrowambitious。
Onemorningthepostmancamejustashewaswashingin,thescullery。Suddenlyheheardawildnoisefromhismother。
Rushingintothekitchen,hefoundherstandingonthehearthrug,wildlywavingaletterandcrying“Hurrah!”asifshehadgonemad。
Hewasshockedandfrightened。
“Why,mother!”heexclaimed。
Sheflewtohim,flungherarmsroundhimforamoment,thenwavedtheletter,crying:
“Hurrah,myboy!,Iknewweshoulddoit!”
Hewasafraidofher——thesmall,severewomanwithgrayinghair,suddenlyburstingoutinsuchfrenzy。Thepostmancamerunningback,afraidsomethinghadhappened。Theysawhistippedcapoverthe,shortcurtains。Mrs。Morelrushedtothedoor。
“Hispicture’sgotfirstprize,Fred,“shecried,“andissold,fortwentyguineas。”
“Myword,that’ssomethinglike!”saidtheyoungpostman,whomtheyhadknownallhislife。
“AndMajorMoretonhasboughtit!”shecried。
“Itlookslikemeanin’something,thatdoes,Mrs。Morel,“
saidthepostman,hisblueeyesbright。Hewasgladtohavebrought,suchaluckyletter。Mrs。Morelwentindoorsandsatdown,trembling。
Paulwasafraidlestshemighthavemisreadtheletter,andmightbe,disappointedafterall。Hescrutiniseditonce,twice。Yes,hebecame,convinceditwastrue。Thenhesatdown,hisheartbeatingwithjoy。
“Mother!”heexclaimed。
“Didn’tISAYweshoulddoit!”shesaid,pretendingshe,wasnotcrying。
Hetookthekettleoffthefireandmashedthetea。
“Youdidn’tthink,mother——“hebegantentatively。
“No,myson——notsomuch——butIexpectedagooddeal。”
“Butnotsomuch,“hesaid。
“No——no——butIknewweshoulddoit。”
Andthensherecoveredhercomposure,apparentlyatleast。
Hesatwithhisshirtturnedback,showinghisyoungthroatalmost,likeagirl’s,andthetowelinhishand,hishairstickingupwet。
“Twentyguineas,mother!,That’sjustwhatyouwantedtobuy,Arthurout。Nowyouneedn’tborrowany。It’lljustdo。”
“Indeed,Ishan’ttakeitall,“shesaid。
“Butwhy?”
“BecauseIshan’t。”
“Well——youhavetwelvepounds,I’llhavenine。”
Theycavilledaboutsharingthetwentyguineas。Shewanted,totakeonlythefivepoundssheneeded。Hewouldnothearofit。
Sotheygotoverthestressofemotionbyquarrelling。
Morelcamehomeatnightfromthepit,saying:
“TheytellmePaul’sgotfirstprizeforhispicture,andsold,ittoLordHenryBentleyforfiftypound。”
“Oh,whatstoriespeopledotell!”shecried。
“Ha!”heanswered。”IsaidIworsureitworalie。
Buttheysaidtha’dtoldFredHodgkisson。”
“AsifIwouldtellhimsuchstuff!”
“Ha!”assentedtheminer。
Buthewasdisappointednevertheless。
“It’struehehasgotthefirstprize,“saidMrs。Morel。
Theminersatheavilyinhischair。
“Hashe,beguy!”heexclaimed。
Hestaredacrosstheroomfixedly。
“Butasforfiftypounds——suchnonsense!”Shewassilentawhile。
“MajorMoretonboughtitfortwentyguineas,that’strue。”
“Twentyguineas!,Thaniversays!”exclaimedMorel。
“Yes,anditwasworthit。”
“Ay!”hesaid。”Idon’tmisdoubtit。Buttwentyguineas,forabitofapaintin’asheknockedoffinanhourortwo!”
Hewassilentwithconceitofhisson。Mrs。Morelsniffed,asifitwerenothing。
“Andwhendoeshehandleth’money?”askedthecollier。
“ThatIcouldn’ttellyou。Whenthepictureissenthome,Isuppose。”
Therewassilence。Morelstaredatthesugar-basininstead,ofeatinghisdinner。Hisblackarm,withthehandallgnarled,withworklayonthetable。Hiswifepretendednottoseehimrub,thebackofhishandacrosshiseyes,northesmearinthecoal-dust,onhisblackface。
“Yes,an’thatotherlad’ud’adoneasmuchiftheyhadna,ha’killed’im,“hesaidquietly。
ThethoughtofWilliamwentthroughMrs。Morellikeacoldblade。
Itleftherfeelingshewastired,andwantedrest。
PaulwasinvitedtodinneratMr。Jordan’s。Afterwardshesaid:
“Mother,Iwantaneveningsuit。”
“Yes,Iwasafraidyouwould,“shesaid。Shewasglad。
Therewasamomentortwoofsilence。”There’sthatoneofWilliam’s,“
shecontinued,“thatIknowcostfourpoundsten,andwhichhe’donlywornthreetimes。”
“Shouldyoulikemetowearit,mother?”heasked。
“Yes。Ithinkitwouldfityou——atleastthecoat。Thetrousers,wouldwantshortening。”
Hewentupstairsandputonthecoatandvest。Comingdown,helookedstrangeinaflannelcollarandaflannelshirt-front,withaneveningcoatandvest。Itwasratherlarge。
“Thetailorcanmakeitright,“shesaid,smoothingherhand,overhisshoulder。”It’sbeautifulstuff。Inevercouldfind,inmyhearttoletyourfatherwearthetrousers,andveryglad,Iamnow。”
Andasshesmoothedherhandoverthesilkcollarshethought,ofhereldestson。Butthissonwaslivingenoughinsidetheclothes。
Shepassedherhanddownhisbacktofeelhim。Hewasaliveandhers。
Theotherwasdead。
Hewentouttodinnerseveraltimesinhiseveningsuitthathad,beenWilliam’s。Eachtimehismother’sheartwasfirmwithpride,andjoy。Hewasstartednow。Thestudssheandthechildrenhad,boughtforWilliamwereinhisshirt-front;heworeoneofWilliam’s,dressshirts。Buthehadanelegantfigure。Hisfacewasrough,butwarm-lookingandratherpleasing。Hedidnotlookparticularly,agentleman,butshethoughthelookedquiteaman。
Hetoldhereverythingthattookplace,everythingthatwassaid。
Itwasasifshehadbeenthere。Andhewasdyingtointroduceher,tothesenewfriendswhohaddinneratseven-thirtyintheevening。
“Goalongwithyou!”shesaid。”Whatdotheywanttoknow,mefor?”
“Theydo!”hecriedindignantly。”Iftheywanttoknowme——and,theysaytheydo——thentheywanttoknowyou,becauseyouarequite,ascleverasIam。”
“Goalongwithyou,child!“shelaughed。
Butshebegantospareherhands。They,too,werework-gnarlednow。
Theskinwasshinywithsomuchhotwater,theknucklesratherswollen。
Butshebegantobecarefultokeepthemoutofsoda。Sheregretted,whattheyhadbeen——sosmallandexquisite。AndwhenAnnieinsisted,onherhavingmorestylishblousestosuitherage,shesubmitted。
Sheevenwentsofarastoallowablackvelvetbowtobeplaced,onherhair。Thenshesniffedinhersarcasticmanner,andwas,sureshelookedasight。Butshelookedalady,Pauldeclared,asmuchasMrs。MajorMoreton,andfar,farnicer。Thefamily,wascomingon。OnlyMorelremainedunchanged,orrather,lapsedslowly。
Paulandhismothernowhadlongdiscussionsaboutlife。
Religionwasfadingintothebackground。Hehadshovelledaway,anthebeliefsthatwouldhamperhim,hadclearedtheground,andcomemoreorlesstothebedrockofbeliefthatoneshouldfeel,insideoneselfforrightandwrong,andshouldhavethepatienceto,graduallyrealiseone’sGod。Nowlifeinterestedhimmore。
“Youknow,“hesaidtohismother,“Idon’twanttobelong,tothewell-to-domiddleclass。Ilikemycommonpeoplebest。
Ibelongtothecommonpeople。”
“Butifanyoneelsesaidso,myson,wouldn’tyoubeinatear。
YOUknowyouconsideryourselfequaltoanygentleman。”
“Inmyself,“heanswered,“notinmyclassormyeducation,ormymanners。ButinmyselfIam。”
“Verywell,then。Thenwhytalkaboutthecommonpeople?”
“Because——thedifferencebetweenpeopleisn’tintheirclass,butinthemselves。Onlyfromthemiddleclassesonegetsideas,andfromthecommonpeople——lifeitself,warmth。Youfeeltheirhates,andloves。”
“It’sallverywell,myboy。But,then,whydon’tyougo,andtalktoyourfather’spals?”
“Butthey’reratherdifferent。”
“Notatall。They’rethecommonpeople。Afterall,whomdoyou,mixwithnow——amongthecommonpeople?,Thosethatexchangeideas,likethemiddleclasses。Therestdon’tinterestyou。”
“But——there’sthelife——“
“Idon’tbelievethere’sajotmorelifefromMiriamthanyou,couldgetfromanyeducatedgirl——sayMissMoreton。ItisYOU
whoaresnobbishaboutclass。”
ShefranklyWANTEDhimtoclimbintothemiddleclasses,athingnotverydifficult,sheknew。Andshewantedhimintheend,tomarryalady。
Nowshebegantocombathiminhisrestlessfretting。
HestillkeptuphisconnectionwithMiriam,couldneitherbreak,freenorgothewholelengthofengagement。Andthisindecision,seemedtobleedhimofhisenergy。Moreover,hismothersuspected,himofanunrecognisedleaningtowardsClara,and,sincethelatter,wasamarriedwoman,shewishedhewouldfallinlovewithone,ofthegirlsinabetterstationoflife。Buthewasstupid,andwouldrefusetoloveoreventoadmireagirlmuch,justbecause,shewashissocialsuperior。
“Myboy,“saidhismothertohim,“allyourcleverness,yourbreakingawayfromoldthings,andtakinglifeinyourownhands,doesn’tseemtobringyoumuchhappiness。”
“Whatishappiness!”hecried。”It’snothingtome!
HowAMItobehappy?”
Theplumpquestiondisturbedher。
“That’sforyoutojudge,mylad。Butifyoucouldmeet,someGOODwomanwhowouldMAKEyouhappy——andyoubegantothink,ofsettlingyourlife——whenyouhavethemeans——sothatyoucould,workwithoutallthisfretting——itwouldbemuchbetterforyou。”
Hefrowned。Hismothercaughthimontherawofhiswound,ofMiriam。Hepushedthetumbledhairoffhisforehead,hiseyes,fullofpainandfire。
“Youmeaneasy,mother,“hecried。”That’sawoman’swholedoctrine,forlife——easeofsoulandphysicalcomfort。AndIdodespiseit。”
“Oh,doyou!”repliedhismother。”Anddoyoucallyours,adivinediscontent?”
“Yes。Idon’tcareaboutitsdivinity。Butdamnyourhappiness!
Solongaslife’sfull,itdoesn’tmatterwhetherit’shappyornot。
I’mafraidyourhappinesswouldboreme。”
“Younevergiveitachance,“shesaid。Thensuddenlyall,herpassionofgriefoverhimbrokeout。”Butitdoesmatter!”
shecried。”AndyouOUGHTtobehappy,yououghttotrytobehappy,tolivetobehappy。HowcouldIbeartothinkyourlifewouldn’t,beahappyone!”
“Yourown’sbeenbadenough,mater,butithasn’tleftyou,somuchworseoffthanthefolkwho’vebeenhappier。Ireckon,you’vedonewell。AndIamthesame。Aren’tIwellenoughoff?”
“You’renot,myson。Battle——battle——andsuffer。It’sabout,allyoudo,asfarasIcansee。”
“Butwhynot,mydear?,Itellyouit’sthebest——“
“Itisn’t。AndoneOUGHTtobehappy,oneOUGHT。”
BythistimeMrs。Morelwastremblingviolently。Strugglesof,thiskindoftentookplacebetweenherandherson,whenshe,seemedtofightforhisverylifeagainsthisownwilltodie。
Hetookherinhisarms。Shewasillandpitiful。
“Nevermind,Little,“hemurmured。”Solongasyoudon’tfeel,life’spaltryandamiserablebusiness,therestdoesn’tmatter,happinessorunhappiness。”
Shepressedhimtoher。
“ButIwantyoutobehappy,“shesaidpathetically。
“Eh,mydear——sayratheryouwantmetolive。”
Mrs。Morelfeltasifherheartwouldbreakforhim。
Atthisratesheknewhewouldnotlive。Hehadthatpoignant,carelessnessabouthimself,hisownsuffering,hisownlife,whichisaformofslowsuicide。Italmostbrokeherheart。
WithallthepassionofherstrongnatureshehatedMiriamforhaving,inthissubtlewayunderminedhisjoy。Itdidnotmattertoher,thatMiriamcouldnothelpit。Miriamdidit,andshehatedher。
Shewishedsomuchhewouldfallinlovewithagirlequal,tobehismate——educatedandstrong。Buthewouldnotlookat,anybodyabovehiminstation。HeseemedtolikeMrs。Dawes。
Atanyratethatfeelingwaswholesome。Hismotherprayedandprayed,forhim,thathemightnotbewasted。Thatwasallherprayer——not,forhissoulorhisrighteousness,butthathemightnotbewasted。
Andwhileheslept,forhoursandhoursshethoughtandprayed,forhim。
HedriftedawayfromMiriamimperceptibly,withoutknowinghe,wasgoing。Arthuronlyleftthearmytobemarried。Thebabywas,bornsixmonthsafterhiswedding。Mrs。Morelgothimajobunder,thefirmagain,attwenty-oneshillingsaweek。Shefurnishedforhim,withthehelpofBeatrice’smother,alittlecottageoftworooms。
Hewascaughtnow。Itdidnotmatterhowhekickedandstruggled,hewasfast。Foratimehechafed,wasirritablewithhis,youngwife,wholovedhim;hewentalmostdistractedwhenthebaby,whichwasdelicate,criedorgavetrouble。Hegrumbledforhours,tohismother。Sheonlysaid:,“Well,mylad,youdidityourself,nowyoumustmakethebestofit。”,Andthenthegritcameoutinhim。
Hebuckledtowork,undertookhisresponsibilities,acknowledgedthat,hebelongedtohiswifeandchild,anddidmakeagoodbestofit。
Hehadneverbeenverycloselyinboundintothefamily。Nowhewas,gonealtogether。
Themonthswentslowlyalong。Paulhadmoreorlessgotinto,connectionwiththeSocialist,Suffragette,Unitarianpeoplein,Nottingham,owingtohisacquaintancewithClara。Oneday,afriendofhisandofClara’s,inBestwood,askedhimtotake,amessagetoMrs。Dawes。HewentintheeveningacrossSneinton,MarkettoBluebellHill。Hefoundthehouseinameanlittlestreet,pavedwithgranitecobblesandhavingcausewaysofdarkblue,groovedbricks。Thefrontdoorwentupastepfromoffthis,roughpavement,wherethefeetofthepassersbyraspedandclattered。
Thebrownpaintonthedoorwassooldthatthenakedwoodshowed,betweentherents。Hestoodonthestreetbelowandknocked。
Therecameaheavyfootstep;alarge,stoutwomanofaboutsixty,toweredabovehim。Helookedupatherfromthepavement。
Shehadarathersevereface。
Sheadmittedhimintotheparlour,whichopenedontothestreet。
Itwasasmall,stuffy,defunctroom,ofmahogany,anddeathly,enlargementsofphotographsofdepartedpeopledoneincarbon。
Mrs。Radfordlefthim。Shewasstately,almostmartial。
InamomentClaraappeared。Sheflusheddeeply,andhewascovered,withconfusion。Itseemedasifshedidnotlikebeingdiscovered,inherhomecircumstances。
“Ithoughtitcouldn’tbeyourvoice,“shesaid。
Butshemightaswellbehungforasheepasforalamb。
Sheinvitedhimoutofthemausoleumofaparlourintothekitchen。
Thatwasalittle,darkishroomtoo,butitwassmothered,inwhitelace。Themotherhadseatedherselfagainbythecupboard,andwasdrawingthreadfromavastweboflace。Aclumpoffluffand,ravelledcottonwasatherrighthand,aheapofthree-quarter-inchlace,layonherleft,whilstinfrontofherwasthemountainoflaceweb,pilingthehearthrug。Threadsofcurlycotton,pulledoutfrombetween,thelengthsoflace,strewedoverthefenderandthefireplace。
Pauldarednotgoforward,forfearoftreadingonpilesofwhitestuff。
Onthetablewasajennyforcardingthelace。Therewas,apackofbrowncardboardsquares,apackofcardsoflace,alittleboxofpins,andonthesofalayaheapofdrawnlace。
Theroomwasalllace,anditwassodarkandwarmthatthewhite,snowystuffseemedthemoredistinct。
“Ifyou’recominginyouwon’thavetomindthework,“
saidMrs。Radford。”Iknowwe’reaboutblockedup。Butsit,youdown。”
Clara,muchembarrassed,gavehimachairagainstthewall,oppositethewhiteheaps。Thensheherselftookherplace,onthesofa,shamedly。
“Willyoudrinkabottleofstout?”Mrs。Radfordasked。
“Clara,gethimabottleofstout。”
Heprotested,butMrs。Radfordinsisted。
“Youlookasifyoucoulddowithit,“shesaid。”Haven’tyou,neveranymorecolourthanthat?”
“It’sonlyathickskinI’vegotthatdoesn’tshow,thebloodthrough,“heanswered。
Clara,ashamedandchagrined,broughthimabottleofstout,andaglass。Hepouredoutsomeoftheblackstuff。
“Well,“hesaid,liftingtheglass,“here’shealth!”
“Andthankyou,“saidMrs。Radford。
Hetookadrinkofstout。
“Andlightyourselfacigarette,solongasyoudon’tset,thehouseonfire,“saidMrs。Radford。
“Thankyou,“hereplied。
“Nay,youneedn’tthankme,“sheanswered。”Is’llbe,gladtosmellabitofsmokeinth’’ouseagain。Ahouseo’
womenisasdeadasahousewi’nofire,tomythinkin’。I’m,notaspideraslikesacornertomyself。Ilikeamanabout,ifhe’sonlysomethingtosnapat。”
Clarabegantowork。Herjennyspunwithasubduedbuzz;
thewhitelacehoppedfrombetweenherfingersontothecard。
Itwasfilled;shesnippedoffthelength,andpinnedtheend,downtothebandedlace。Thensheputanewcardinherjenny。
Paulwatchedher。Shesatsquareandmagnificent。Herthroatand,armswerebare。Thebloodstillmantledbelowherears;shebent,herheadinshameofherhumility。Herfacewassetonherwork。
Herarmswerecreamyandfulloflifebesidethewhitelace;
herlarge,well-kepthandsworkedwithabalancedmovement,asifnothingwouldhurrythem。He,notknowing,watchedherall,thetime。Hesawthearchofherneckfromtheshoulder,asshe,bentherhead;hesawthecoilofdunhair;hewatchedhermoving,gleamingarms。
“I’veheardabitaboutyoufromClara,“continuedthemother。
“You’reinJordan’s,aren’tyou?”Shedrewherlaceunceasing。
“Yes。”
“Ay,well,andIcanrememberwhenThomasJordanusedtoask,MEforoneofmytoffies。”
“Didhe?”laughedPaul。”Anddidhegetit?”
“Sometimeshedid,sometimeshedidn’t——whichwaslatterly。
Forhe’sthesortthattakesallandgivesnaught,heis——orused,tobe。”
“Ithinkhe’sverydecent,“saidPaul。
“Yes;well,I’mgladtohearit。”
Mrs。Radfordlookedacrossathimsteadily。Therewassomething,determinedaboutherthatheliked。Herfacewasfallingloose,buthereyeswerecalm,andtherewassomethingstronginherthat,madeitseemshewasnotold;merelyherwrinklesandloosecheeks,wereananachronism。Shehadthestrengthandsang-froidofawoman,intheprimeoflife。Shecontinueddrawingthelacewithslow,dignifiedmovements。Thebigwebcameupinevitablyoverherapron;
thelengthoflacefellawayatherside。Herarmswerefinelyshapen,butglossyandyellowasoldivory。Theyhadnotthepeculiardull,gleamthatmadeClara’ssofascinatingtohim。
“Andyou’vebeengoingwithMiriamLeivers?”themotheraskedhim。
“Well——“heanswered。
“Yes,she’sanicegirl,“shecontinued。”She’sverynice,butshe’sabittoomuchabovethisworldtosuitmyfancy。”
“Sheisabitlikethat,“heagreed。
“She’llneverbesatisfiedtillshe’sgotwingsandcanfly,overeverybody’shead,shewon’t,“shesaid。
Clarabrokein,andhetoldherhismessage。Shespokehumbly,tohim。Hehadsurprisedherinherdrudgery。Tohaveherhumble,madehimfeelasifhewereliftinghisheadinexpectation。
“Doyoulikejennying?”heasked。
“Whatcanawomando!”sherepliedbitterly。
“Isitsweated?”
“Moreorless。Isn’tALLwoman’swork?,That’sanothertrick,themenhaveplayed,sinceweforceourselvesintothelabourmarket。”
“Nowthen,youshutupaboutthemen,“saidhermother。”Ifthe,womenwasn’tfools,themenwouldn’tbebaduns,that’swhatIsay。
Nomanwaseverthatbadwi’mebutwhathegotitbackagain。
Notbutwhatthey’realousylot,there’snodenyingit。”
“Butthey’reallrightreally,aren’tthey?”heasked。
“Well,they’reabitdifferentfromwomen,“sheanswered。
“WouldyoucaretobebackatJordan’s?”heaskedClara。
“Idon’tthinkso,“shereplied。
“Yes,shewould!”criedhermother;“thankherstarsifshe,couldgetback。Don’tyoulistentoher。She’sforeveronthat,’ighhorseofhers,an’it’sback’sthatthinan’starvedit’ll,cutherintwooneofthesedays。”
Clarasufferedbadlyfromhermother。Paulfeltasifhiseyes,werecomingverywideopen。Wasn’thetotakeClara’sfulminations,soseriously,afterall?,Shespunsteadilyatherwork。Heexperienced,athrillofjoy,thinkingshemightneedhishelp。Sheseemed,deniedanddeprivedofsomuch。Andherarmmovedmechanically,thatshouldneverhavebeensubduedtoamechanism,andherhead,wasbowedtothelace,thatnevershouldhavebeenbowed。Sheseemed,tobestrandedthereamongtherefusethatlifehasthrownaway,doingherjennying。Itwasabitterthingtohertobeputaside,bylife,asifithadnouseforher。Nowondersheprotested。
Shecamewithhimtothedoor。Hestoodbelowinthemeanstreet,lookingupather。Sofineshewasinherstatureandherbearing,sheremindedhimofJunodethroned。Asshestoodinthedoorway,shewincedfromthestreet,fromhersurroundings。
“AndyouwillgowithMrs。HodgkissontoHucknall?”
Hewastalkingquitemeaninglessly,onlywatchingher。
Hergreyeyesatlastmethis。Theylookeddumbwithhumiliation,pleadingwithakindofcaptivemisery。Hewasshakenandataloss。
Hehadthoughtherhighandmighty。
Whenhelefther,hewantedtorun。Hewenttothestation,inasortofdream,andwasathomewithoutrealisinghehadmoved,outofherstreet。
HehadanideathatSusan,theoverseeroftheSpiralgirls,wasabouttobemarried。Heaskedherthenextday。
“Isay,Susan,Iheardawhisperofyourgettingmarried。
Whataboutit?”
Susanflushedred。
“Who’sbeentalkingtoyou?”shereplied。
“Nobody。ImerelyheardawhisperthatyouWEREthinking——“
“Well,Iam,thoughyouneedn’ttellanybody。What’smore,IwishIwasn’t!”
“Nay,Susan,youwon’tmakemebelievethat。”
“Shan’tI?,YouCANbelieveit,though。I’dratherstop,hereathousandtimes。”
Paulwasperturbed。
“Why,Susan?”
Thegirl’scolourwashigh,andhereyesflashed。
“That’swhy!”
“Andmustyou?”
Foranswer,shelookedathim。Therewasabouthimacandour,andgentlenesswhichmadethewomentrusthim。Heunderstood。
“Ah,I’msorry,“hesaid。
Tearscametohereyes。
“Butyou’llseeit’llturnoutallright。You’llmakethebest,ofit,“hecontinuedratherwistfully。
“There’snothingelseforit。”
“Yea,there’smakingtheworstofit。Tryandmakeitallright。”
HesoonmadeoccasiontocallagainonClara。
“Wouldyou,“hesaid,“caretocomebacktoJordan’s?”
Sheputdownherwork,laidherbeautifularmsonthetable,andlookedathimforsomemomentswithoutanswering。Graduallythe,flushmountedhercheek。
“Why?”sheasked。
Paulfeltratherawkward。
“Well,becauseSusanisthinkingofleaving,“hesaid。
Clarawentonwithherjennying。Thewhitelaceleaped,inlittlejumpsandboundsontothecard。Hewaitedforher。
Withoutraisingherhead,shesaidatlast,inapeculiarlowvoice:
“Haveyousaidanythingaboutit?”
“Excepttoyou,notaword。”
Therewasagainalongsilence。
“Iwillapplywhentheadvertisementisout,“shesaid。
“Youwillapplybeforethat。Iwillletyouknowexactlywhen。”
Shewentonspinningherlittlemachine,anddidnotcontradicthim。
ClaracametoJordan’s。Someoftheolderhands,Fannyamongthem,rememberedherearlierrule,andcordiallydislikedthememory。
Clarahadalwaysbeen“ikey“reserved,andsuperior。Shehadnever,mixedwiththegirlsasoneofthemselves。Ifshehadoccasion,tofindfault,shediditcoollyandwithperfectpoliteness,whichthedefaulterfelttobeabiggerinsultthancrassness。
TowardsFanny,thepoor,overstrunghunchback,Clarawasunfailingly,compassionateandgentle,asaresultofwhichFannyshed,morebittertearsthanevertheroughtonguesoftheotheroverseers,hadcausedher。
TherewassomethinginClarathatPauldisliked,andmuch,thatpiquedhim。Ifshewereabout,healwayswatchedherstrong,throatorherneck,uponwhichtheblondehairgrewlowandfluffy。
Therewasafinedown,almostinvisible,upontheskinofherface,andarms,andwhenoncehehadperceivedit,hesawitalways。
Whenhewasathiswork,paintingintheafternoon,shewouldcomeandstandneartohim,perfectlymotionless。
Thenhefelther,thoughsheneitherspokenortouchedhim。
Althoughshestoodayardawayhefeltasifhewereincontact,withher。Thenhecouldpaintnomore。Heflungdownthebrushes,andturnedtotalktoher。
Sometimesshepraisedhiswork;sometimesshewascritical,andcold。
“Youareaffectedinthatpiece,“shewouldsay;and,asthere,wasanelementoftruthinhercondemnation,hisbloodboiled,withanger。
Again:,“Whatofthis?”hewouldaskenthusiastically。
“H’m!”Shemadeasmalldoubtfulsound。”Itdoesn’tinterest,memuch。”
“Becauseyoudon’tunderstandit,“heretorted。
“Thenwhyaskmeaboutit?”
“BecauseIthoughtyouwouldunderstand。”
Shewouldshrughershouldersinscornofhiswork。
Shemaddenedhim。Hewasfurious。Thenheabusedher,andwentinto,passionateexpositionofhisstuff。Thisamusedandstimulatedher。
Butsheneverownedthatshehadbeenwrong。
Duringthetenyearsthatshehadbelongedtothewomen’smovement,shehadacquiredafairamountofeducation,and,havinghadsome,ofMiriam’spassiontobeinstructed,hadtaughtherselfFrench,andcouldreadinthatlanguagewithastruggle。Sheconsidered,herselfasawomanapart,andparticularlyapart,fromherclass。
ThegirlsintheSpiraldepartmentwereallofgoodhomes。
Itwasasmall,specialindustry,andhadacertaindistinction。
Therewasanairofrefinementinbothrooms。ButClarawasaloof,alsofromherfellow-workers。
Noneofthesethings,however,didsherevealtoPaul。
Shewasnottheonetogiveherselfaway。Therewasasenseof,mysteryabouther。Shewassoreserved,hefeltshehadmuchtoreserve。
Herhistorywasopenonthesurface,butitsinnermeaningwashidden,fromeverybody。Itwasexciting。Andthensometimeshecaught,herlookingathimfromunderherbrowswithanalmostfurtive,sullenscrutiny,whichmadehimmovequickly。Oftenshemethiseyes。
Butthenherownwere,asitwere,coveredover,revealingnothing。
Shegavehimalittle,lenientsmile。Shewastohimextraordinarily,provocative,becauseoftheknowledgesheseemedtopossess,andgatheredfruitofexperiencehecouldnotattain。
OnedayhepickedupacopyofLettresdemonMoulinfrom,herwork-bench。
“YoureadFrench,doyou?”hecried。
Claraglancedroundnegligently。Shewasmakinganelastic,stockingofheliotropesilk,turningtheSpiralmachinewithslow,balancedregularity,occasionallybendingdowntoseeherworkorto,adjusttheneedles;thenhermagnificentneck,withitsdownandfine,pencilsofhair,shonewhiteagainstthelavender,lustroussilk。
Shetumedafewmorerounds,andstopped。
“Whatdidyousay?”sheasked,smilingsweetly。
Paul’seyesglitteredatherinsolentindifferencetohim。
“IdidnotknowyoureadFrench,“hesaid,verypolite。
“Didyounot?”shereplied,withafaint,sarcasticsmile。
“Rottenswank!”hesaid,butscarcelyloudenoughtobeheard。
Heshuthismouthangrilyashewatchedher。Sheseemed,toscorntheworkshemechanicallyproduced;yetthehoseshe,madewereasnearlyperfectaspossible。
“Youdon’tlikeSpiralwork,“hesaid。
“Oh,well,allworkiswork,“sheanswered,asifsheknew,allaboutit。
Hemarvelledathercoldness。Hehadtodoeverythinghotly。
Shemustbesomethingspecial。
“Whatwouldyouprefertodo?”heasked。
Shelaughedathimindulgently,asshesaid:
“Thereissolittlelikelihoodofmyeverbeinggivenachoice,thatIhaven’twastedtimeconsidering。”
“Pah!”hesaid,contemptuousonhissidenow。”Youonlysay,thatbecauseyou’retooproudtoownupwhatyouwantandcan’tget。”
“Youknowmeverywell,“sherepliedcoldly。
“Iknowyouthinkyou’reterrificgreatshakes,andthatyou,liveundertheeternalinsultofworkinginafactory。”
Hewasveryangryandveryrude。Shemerelytumedawayfrom,himindisdain。Hewalkedwhistlingdowntheroom,flirtedand,laughedwithHilda。
Lateronhesaidtohimself:
“WhatwasIsoimpudenttoClarafor?”Hewasratherannoyed,withhimself,atthesametimeglad。”Serveherright;shestinks,withsilentpride,“hesaidtohimselfangrily。
Intheafternoonhecamedown。Therewasacertainweight,onhisheartwhichhewantedtoremove。Hethoughttodoit,byofferingherchocolates。
“Haveone?”hesaid。”Iboughtahandfultosweetenmeup。”
Tohisgreatrelief,sheaccepted。Hesatonthework-bench,besidehermachine,twistingapieceofsilkroundhisfinger。
Shelovedhimforhisquick,unexpectedmovements,likeayounganimal。
Hisfeetswungashepondered。Thesweetslaystrewnonthebench。
Shebentoverhermachine,grindingrhythmically,thenstooping,toseethestockingthathungbeneath,pulleddownbytheweight。
Hewatchedthehandsomecrouchingofherback,andtheapron-strings,curlingonthefloor。
“Thereisalwaysaboutyou,“hesaid,“asortofwaiting。
WhateverIseeyoudoing,you’renotreallythere:,youare,waiting——likePenelopewhenshedidherweaving。”,Hecouldnothelp,aspurtofwickedness。”I’llcallyouPenelope,“hesaid。
“Woulditmakeanydifference?”shesaid,carefullyremoving,oneofherneedles。
“Thatdoesn’tmatter,solongasitpleasesme。Here,Isay,youseemtoforgetI’myourboss。Itjustoccurstome。”
“Andwhatdoesthatmean?”sheaskedcoolly。
“ItmeansI’vegotarighttobossyou。”
“Isthereanythingyouwanttocomplainabout?”
“Oh,Isay,youneedn’tbenasty,“hesaidangrily。
“Idon’tknowwhatyouwant,“shesaid,continuinghertask。
“Iwantyoutotreatmenicelyandrespectfully。”
“Callyou’sir’,perhaps?”sheaskedquietly。
“Yes,callme’sir’。Ishouldloveit。”
“ThenIwishyouwouldgoupstairs,sir。”
Hismouthclosed,andafrowncameonhisface。Hejumped,suddenlydown。
“You’retooblessedsuperiorforanything,“hesaid。
Andhewentawaytotheothergirls。Hefelthewasbeing,angrierthanhehadanyneedtobe。Infact,hedoubtedslightly,thathewasshowingoff。Butifhewere,thenhewould。Claraheard,himlaughing,inawayshehated,withthegirlsdownthenextroom。
Whenateveninghewentthroughthedepartmentafter,thegirlshadgone,hesawhischocolateslyinguntouched,infrontofClara’smachine。Heleftthem。Inthemorning,theywerestillthere,andClarawasatwork。LateronMinnie,alittlebrunettetheycalledPussy,calledtohim:
“Hey,haven’tyougotachocolateforanybody?”
“Sorry,Pussy,“hereplied。”Imeanttohaveofferedthem;
thenIwentandforgot’em。”
“Ithinkyoudid,“sheanswered。
“I’llbringyousomethisafternoon。Youdon’twantthem,afterthey’vebeenlyingabout,doyou?”
“Oh,I’mnotparticular,“smiledPussy。
“Ohno,“hesaid。”They’llbedusty。”
HewentuptoClara’sbench。
“SorryIleftthesethingslitteringabout,“hesaid。
Sheflushedscarlet。Hegatheredthemtogetherinhisfist。
“They’llbedirtynow,“hesaid。”Youshouldhavetakenthem。
Iwonderwhyyoudidn’t。ImeanttohavetoldyouIwantedyouto。”
Heflungthemoutofthewindowintotheyardbelow。
Hejustglancedather。Shewincedfromhiseyes。
Intheafternoonhebroughtanotherpacket。
“Willyoutakesome?”hesaid,offeringthemfirsttoClara。
“Thesearefresh。”
Sheacceptedone,andputitontothebench。
“Oh,takeseveral——forluck,“hesaid。
Shetookacouplemore,andputthemonthebenchalso。
Thensheturnedinconfusiontoherwork。Hewentonuptheroom。
“Hereyouare,Pussy,“hesaid。”Don’tbegreedy!”
“Aretheyallforher?”criedtheothers,rushingup。
“Ofcoursethey’renot,“hesaid。
Thegirlsclamouredround。Pussydrewbackfromhermates。
“Comeout!”shecried。”Icanhavefirstpick,can’tI,Paul?”
“Benicewith’em,“hesaid,andwentaway。
“YouAREadear,“thegirlscried。
“Tenpence,“heanswered。
HewentpastClarawithoutspeaking。Shefeltthethree,chocolatecreamswouldburnherifshetouchedthem。Itneeded,allhercouragetoslipthemintothepocketofherapron。
Thegirlslovedhimandwereafraidofhim。Hewassonice,whilehewasnice,butifhewereoffended,sodistant,treatingthem,asiftheyscarcelyexisted,ornotmorethanthebobbinsofthread。
Andthen,iftheywereimpudent,hesaidquietly:,“Doyoumind,goingonwithyourwork,“andstoodandwatched。
Whenhecelebratedhistwenty-thirdbirthday,thehousewas,introuble。Arthurwasjustgoingtobemarried。Hismotherwas,notwell。Hisfather,gettinganoldman,andlamefromhisaccidents,wasgivenapaltry,poorjob。Miriamwasaneternalreproach。
Hefeltheowedhimselftoher,yetcouldnotgivehimself。Thehouse,moreover,neededhissupport。Hewaspulledinalldirections。
Hewasnotgladitwashisbirthday。Itmadehimbitter。
Hegottoworkateighto’clock。Mostoftheclerkshadnot,turnedup。Thegirlswerenotduetill8。30。Ashewaschanging,hiscoat,heheardavoicebehindhimsay:
“Paul,Paul,Iwantyou。”
ItwasFanny,thehunchback,standingatthetopofherstairs,herfaceradiantwithasecret。Paullookedatherinastonishment。
“Iwantyou,“shesaid。
Hestood,ataloss。
“Comeon,“shecoaxed。”Comebeforeyoubeginontheletters。”
Hewentdownthehalf-dozenstepsintoherdry,narrow,“finishing-off“room。Fannywalkedbeforehim:,herblackbodicewas,short——thewaistwasunderherarmpits——andhergreen-blackcashmereskirt,seemedverylong,asshestrodewithbigstridesbeforetheyoungman,himselfsograceful。Shewenttoherseatatthenarrowendoftheroom,wherethewindowopenedontochimney-pots。Paulwatchedherthin,handsandherflatredwristsassheexcitedlytwitchedherwhite,apron,whichwasspreadonthebenchinfrontofher。Shehesitated。
“Youdidn’tthinkwe’dforgotyou?”sheasked,reproachful。
“Why?”heasked。Hehadforgottenhisbirthdayhimself。
“’Why,’hesays!,’Why!’,Why,lookhere!”Shepointed,tothecalendar,andhesaw,surroundingthebigblacknumber,“21“hundredsoflittlecrossesinblack-lead。
“Oh,kissesformybirthday,“helaughed。”Howdidyouknow?”
“Yes,youwanttoknow,don’tyou?”Fannymocked,hugelydelighted。
“There’sonefromeverybody——exceptLadyClara——andtwofromsome。
ButIshan’ttellyouhowmanyIput。”
“Oh,Iknow,you’respooney,“hesaid。
“ThereyouAREmistaken!”shecried,indignant。”Icould,neverbesosoft。”,Hervoicewasstrongandcontralto。
“Youalwayspretendtobesuchahard-heartedhussy,“helaughed。
“Andyouknowyou’reassentimental——“
“I’dratherbecalledsentimentalthanfrozenmeat,“
Fannyblurted。PaulknewshereferredtoClara,andhesmiled。
“Doyousaysuchnastythingsaboutme?”helaughed。
“No,myduck,“thehunchbackwomananswered,lavishlytender。
Shewasthirty-nine。”No,myduck,becauseyoudon’tthinkyourself,afinefigureinmarbleandusnothingbutdirt。I’masgoodasyou,aren’tI,Paul?”andthequestiondelightedher。
“Why,we’renotbetterthanoneanother,arewe?”hereplied。
“ButI’masgoodasyou,aren’tI,Paul?”shepersisteddaringly。
“Ofcourseyouare。Ifitcomestogoodness,you’rebetter。”
Shewasratherafraidofthesituation。Shemightgethysterical。
“IthoughtI’dgetherebeforetheothers——won’ttheysayI’mdeep!
Nowshutyoureyes——“shesaid。
“Andopenyourmouth,andseewhatGodsendsyou,“hecontinued,suitingactiontowords,andexpectingapieceofchocolate。
Heheardtherustleoftheapron,andafaintclinkofmetal。
“I’mgoingtolook,“hesaid。
Heopenedhiseyes。Fanny,herlongcheeksflushed,herblueeyesshining,wasgazingathim。Therewasalittle,bundleofpaint-tubesonthebenchbeforehim。Heturnedpale。
“No,Fanny,“hesaidquickly。
“Fromusall,“sheansweredhastily。
“No,but——“
“Aretheytherightsort?”sheasked,rockingherselfwithdelight。
“Jove!they’rethebestinthecatalogue。”
“Butthey’retherightsorts?”shecried。
“They’reoffthelittlelistI’dmadetogetwhenmyship,camein。”,Hebithislip。
Fannywasovercomewithemotion。Shemustturntheconversation。
“Theywasallonthornstodoit;theyallpaidtheirshares,allexcepttheQueenofSheba。”
TheQueenofShebawasClara。
“Andwouldn’tshejoin?”Paulasked。
“Shedidn’tgetthechance;wenevertoldher;wewasn’tgoing,tohaveHERbossingTHISshow。Wedidn’tWANThertojoin。”
Paullaughedatthewoman。Hewasmuchmoved。Atlasthe,mustgo。Shewasveryclosetohim。Suddenlysheflungherarms,roundhisneckandkissedhimvehemently。
“Icangiveyouakissto-day,“shesaidapologetically。
“You’velookedsowhite,it’smademyheartache。”
Paulkissedher,andlefther。Herarmsweresopitifully,thinthathisheartachedalso。
ThatdayhemetClaraasherandownstairstowashhishands,atdinner-time。
“Youhavestayedtodinner!”heexclaimed。Itwasunusual,forher。
“Yes;andIseemtohavedinedonoldsurgical-appliancestock。
IMUSTgooutnow,orIshallfeelstaleindia-rubberrightthrough。”
Shelingered。Heinstantlycaughtatherwish。
“Youaregoinganywhere?”heasked。
TheywenttogetheruptotheCastle。Outdoorsshedressed,veryplainly,downtougliness;indoorsshealwayslookednice。
ShewalkedwithhesitatingstepsalongsidePaul,bowingandturning,awayfromhim。Dowdyindress,anddrooping,sheshowedto,greatdisadvantage。Hecouldscarcelyrecogniseherstrongform,thatseemedtoslumberwithpower。Sheappearedalmostinsignificant,drowningherstatureinherstoop,assheshrankfromthepublicgaze。
TheCastlegroundswereverygreenandfresh。Climbingthe,precipitousascent,helaughedandchattered,butshewassilent,seemingtobroodoversomething。Therewasscarcelytimetogo,insidethesquat,squarebuildingthatcrownsthebluffofrock。
TheyleaneduponthewallwherethecliffrunssheerdowntothePark。
Belowthem,intheirholesinthesandstone,pigeonspreened,themselvesandcooedsoftly。Awaydownupontheboulevardat,thefootoftherock,tinytreesstoodintheirownpoolsofshadow,andtinypeoplewentscurryingaboutinalmostludicrousimportance。
“Youfeelasifyoucouldscoopupthefolkliketadpoles,andhaveahandfulofthem,“hesaid。
Shelaughed,answering:
“Yes;itisnotnecessarytogetfaroffinordertosee,usproportionately。Thetreesaremuchmoresignificant。”
“Bulkonly,“hesaid。
Shelaughedcynically。
Awaybeyondtheboulevardthethinstripesofthemetals,showedupontherailway-track,whosemarginwascrowdedwithlittle,stacksoftimber,besidewhichsmokingtoyenginesfussed。
Thenthesilverstringofthecanallayatrandomamongthe,blackheaps。Beyond,thedwellings,verydenseontheriverflat,lookedlikeblack,poisonousherbage,inthickrowsandcrowdedbeds,stretchingrightaway,brokennowandthenbytallerplants,righttowheretheriverglistenedinahieroglyphacrossthecountry。
Thesteepscarpcliffsacrosstheriverlookedpuny。Greatstretches,ofcountrydarkenedwithtreesandfaintlybrightenedwithcorn-land,spreadtowardsthehaze,wherethehillsrosebluebeyondgrey。
“Itiscomforting,“saidMrs。Dawes,“tothinkthetowngoes,nofarther。ItisonlyaLITTLEsoreuponthecountryyet。”
“Alittlescab,“Paulsaid。
Sheshivered。Sheloathedthetown。Lookingdrearilyacross,atthecountrywhichwasforbiddenher,herimpassiveface,pale,andhostile,sheremindedPaulofoneofthebitter,remorsefulangels。
“Butthetown’sallright,“hesaid;“it’sonlytemporary。
Thisisthecrude,clumsymake-shiftwe’vepractisedon,tillwefind,outwhattheideais。Thetownwillcomeallright。”
Thepigeonsinthepocketsofrock,amongtheperchedbushes,cooedcomfortably。TotheleftthelargechurchofSt。Maryrose,intospace,tokeepclosecompanywiththeCastle,abovetheheaped,rubbleofthetown。Mrs。Dawessmiledbrightlyasshelookedacross,thecountry。
“Ifeelbetter,“shesaid。
“Thankyou,“hereplied。”Greatcompliment!”
“Oh,mybrother!”shelaughed。
“H’m!that’ssnatchingbackwiththelefthandwhatyougave,withtheright,andnomistake,“hesaid。
Shelaughedinamusementathim。
“Butwhatwasthematterwithyou?”heasked。”Iknowyou,werebroodingsomethingspecial。Icanseethestampofit,onyourfaceyet。”
“IthinkIwillnottellyou,“shesaid。
“Allright,hugit,“heanswered。
Sheflushedandbitherlip。
“No,“shesaid,“itwasthegirls。”
“Whatabout’em?”Paulasked。
“Theyhavebeenplottingsomethingforaweeknow,andto-day,theyseemparticularlyfullofit。Allalike;theyinsultme,withtheirsecrecy。”
“Dothey?”heaskedinconcern。
“Ishouldnotmind,“shewenton,inthemetallic,angrytone,“iftheydidnotthrustitintomyface——thefactthattheyhave,asecret。”
“Justlikewomen,“saidhe。
“Itishateful,theirmeangloating,“shesaidintensely。
Paulwassilent。Heknewwhatthegirlsgloatedover。
Hewassorrytobethecauseofthisnewdissension。
“Theycanhaveallthesecretsintheworld,“shewenton,broodingbitterly;“buttheymightrefrainfromgloryinginthem,andmakingmefeelmoreoutofitthanever。Itis——itis,almostunbearable。”
Paulthoughtforafewminutes。Hewasmuchperturbed。
“Iwilltellyouwhatit’sallabout,“hesaid,paleandnervous。
“It’smybirthday,andthey’veboughtmeafinelotofpaints,allthegirls。They’rejealousofyou“——hefeltherstiffencoldly,attheword’jealous’——“merelybecauseIsometimesbringyouabook,“
headdedslowly。”But,yousee,it’sonlyatrifle。Don’tbother,aboutit,willyou——because“——helaughedquickly——“well,whatwouldthey,sayiftheysawusherenow,inspiteoftheirvictory?”
Shewasangrywithhimforhisclumsyreferenceto,theirpresentintimacy。Itwasalmostinsolentofhim。
Yethewassoquiet,sheforgavehim,althoughitcostheraneffort。
TheirtwohandslayontheroughstoneparapetoftheCastlewall。
Hehadinheritedfromhismotherafinenessofmould,sothat,hishandsweresmallandvigorous。Herswerelarge,tomatchher,largelimbs,butwhiteandpowerfullooking。AsPaullookedatthem,heknewher。”Sheiswantingsomebodytotakeherhands——forallshe,issocontemptuousofus,“hesaidtohimself。Andshesawnothingbut,histwohands,sowarmandalive,whichseemedtoliveforher。Hewas,broodingnow,staringoutoverthecountryfromundersullenbrows。
Thelittle,interestingdiversityofshapeshadvanishedfromthescene;
allthatremainedwasavast,darkmatrixofsorrowandtragedy,thesameinallthehousesandtheriver-flatsandthepeopleand,thebirds;theywereonlyshapendifferently。Andnowthattheforms,seemedtohavemeltedaway,thereremainedthemassfromwhichall,thelandscapewascomposed,adarkmassofstruggleandpain。
Thefactory,thegirls,hismother,thelarge,upliftedchurch,thethicketofthetown,mergedintooneatmosphere——dark,brooding,andsorrowful,everybit。
“Isthattwoo’clockstriking?”Mrs。Dawessaidinsurprise。
Paulstarted,andeverythingsprangintoform,regained,itsindividuality,itsforgetfulness,anditscheerfulness。
Theyhurriedbacktowork。
Whenhewasintherushofpreparingforthenight’spost,examiningtheworkupfromFanny’sroom,whichsmeltofironing,theeveningpostmancamein。
“’Mr。PaulMorel,’“hesaid,smiling,handingPaulapackage。
“Alady’shandwriting!,Don’tletthegirlsseeit。”
Thepostman,himselfafavourite,waspleasedtomakefun,ofthegirls’affectionforPaul。
Itwasavolumeofversewithabriefnote:,“Youwillallowme,tosendyouthis,andsosparememyisolation。Ialsosympathise,andwishyouwell——C。D。”,Paulflushedhot。
“GoodLord!,Mrs。Dawes。Shecan’taffordit。GoodLord,whoever’dhavethoughtit!”
Hewassuddenlyintenselymoved。Hewasfilledwiththewarmth,ofher。Intheglowhecouldalmostfeelherasifshewere,present——herarms,hershoulders,herbosom,seethem,feelthem,almostcontainthem。
ThismoveonthepartofClarabroughtthemintocloserintimacy。
TheothergirlsnoticedthatwhenPaulmetMrs。Daweshiseyeslifted,andgavethatpeculiarbrightgreetingwhichtheycouldinterpret。
Knowinghewasunaware,Claramadenosign,savethat,occasionallysheturnedasideherfacefromhimwhenhecameuponher。
Theywalkedouttogetherveryoftenatdinner-time;itwas,quiteopen,quitefrank。Everybodyseemedtofeelthathewasquite,unawareofthestateofhisownfeeling,andthatnothingwaswrong。
Hetalkedtohernowwithsomeoftheoldfervourwithwhichhe,hadtalkedtoMiriam,buthecaredlessaboutthetalk;hedid,notbotherabouthisconclusions。
OnedayinOctobertheywentouttoLambleyfortea。
Suddenlytheycametoahaltontopofthehill。Heclimbedandsat,onagate,shesatonthestile。Theafternoonwasperfectlystill,withadimhaze,andyellowsheavesglowingthrough。Theywerequiet。
“Howoldwereyouwhenyoumarried?”heaskedquietly。
“Twenty-two。”
Hervoicewassubdued,almostsubmissive。Shewouldtell,himnow。
“Itiseightyearsago?”
“Yes。”
“Andwhendidyouleavehim?”
“Threeyearsago。”
“Fiveyears!,Didyoulovehimwhenyoumarriedhim?”
Shewassilentforsometime;thenshesaidslowly:
“IthoughtIdid——moreorless。Ididn’tthinkmuchaboutit。
Andhewantedme。Iwasveryprudishthen。”
“Andyousortofwalkedintoitwithoutthinking?”
“Yes。Iseemedtohavebeenasleepnearlyallmylife。”
“Somnambule?,But——whendidyouwakeup?”
“Idon’tknowthatIeverdid,oreverhave——sinceIwasachild。”
“Youwenttosleepasyougrewtobeawoman?,Howqueer!
Andhedidn’twakeyou?”
“No;henevergotthere,“shereplied,inamonotone。
Thebrownbirdsdashedoverthehedgeswheretherose-hips,stoodnakedandscarlet。
“Gotwhere?”heasked。
“Atme。Heneverreallymatteredtome。”
Theafternoonwassogentlywarmanddim。Redroofs,ofthecottagesburnedamongthebluehaze。Helovedtheday。
Hecouldfeel,buthecouldnotunderstand,whatClarawassaying。
“Butwhydidyouleavehim?,Washehorridtoyou?”
Sheshudderedlightly。
“He——hesortofdegradedme。Hewantedtobullymebecausehe,hadn’tgotme。AndthenIfeltasifIwantedtorun,asifI
wasfastenedandboundup。Andheseemeddirty。”
“Isee。”
Hedidnotatallsee。
“Andwashealwaysdirty?”heasked。
“Abit,“sherepliedslowly。”Andthenheseemedasifhe,couldn’tgetATme,really。Andthenhegotbrutal——heWASbrutal!”
“Andwhydidyouleavehimfinally?”
“Because——becausehewasunfaithfultome——“
Theywerebothsilentforsometime。Herhandlayonthegate-post,asshebalanced。Heputhisownoverit。Hisheartbeatquickly。
“Butdidyou——wereyouever——didyouevergivehimachance?”
“Chance?,How?”
“Tocomeneartoyou。”
“Imarriedhim——andIwaswilling——“
Theybothstrovetokeeptheirvoicessteady。
“Ibelievehelovesyou,“hesaid。
“Itlookslikeit,“shereplied。
Hewantedtotakehishandaway,andcouldnot。Shesaved,himbyremovingherown。Afterasilence,hebeganagain:
“Didyouleavehimoutofcountallalong?”
“Heleftme,“shesaid。
“AndIsupposehecouldn’tMAKEhimselfmeaneverythingtoyou?”
“Hetriedtobullymeintoit。”
Buttheconversationhadgotthembothoutoftheirdepth。
SuddenlyPauljumpeddown。
“Comeon,“hesaid。”Let’sgoandgetsometea。”
第11章