Butthatceremonyholdsandcandragamantohisundoingjustasthoroughlyasthe“longasyebothshalllive“cursefromthealtar-
rails，withthebridesmaidsgigglingbehind，and“TheVoicethatbreathedo'erEden“liftingtheroofoff。InthismannerwasDickyHattkidnapped，andheconsidereditvastlyfine，forhehadreceivedanappointmentinIndiawhichcarriedamagnificentsalaryfromtheHomepointofview。Themarriagewastobekeptsecretforayear。ThenMrs。DickyHattwastocomeoutandtherestoflifewastobeagloriousgoldenmist。ThatwashowtheysketcheditundertheAddisonRoadStationlamps；and，afteroneshortmonth，cameGravesendandDickysteamingouttohisnewlife，andthegirlcryinginathirty-shillingsaweekbed-and-livingroom，inabackstreetoffMontpelierSquareneartheKnightsbridgeBarracks。
ButthecountrythatDickycametowasahardland，where“men“oftwenty-onewerereckonedverysmallboysindeed，andlifewasexpensive。Thesalarythatloomedsolargesixthousandmilesawaydidnotgofar。ParticularlywhenDickydivideditbytwo，andremittedmorethanthefairhalf，at1-6，toMontpelierSquare。Onehundredandthirty-fiverupeesoutofthreehundredandthirtyisnotmuchtoliveon；butitwasabsurdtosupposethatMrs。Hattcouldexistforeveronthe20poundsheldbackbyDicky，fromhisoutfitallowance。Dickysawthis，andremittedatonce；alwaysrememberingthatRs。700weretobepaid，twelvemonthslater，forafirst-classpassageoutforalady。Whenyouaddtothesetriflingdetailsthenaturalinstinctsofaboybeginninganewlifeinanewcountryandlongingtogoaboutandenjoyhimself，andthenecessityforgrapplingwithstrangework——which，properlyspeaking，shouldtakeupaboy'sundividedattention——youwillseethatDickystartedhandicapped。Hesawithimselfforabreathortwo；buthedidnotguessthefullbeautyofhisfuture。
Asthehotweatherbegan，theshacklessettledonhimandateintohisflesh。Firstwouldcomeletters——big，crossed，sevensheetletters——fromhiswife，tellinghimhowshelongedtoseehim，andwhataHeavenuponearthwouldbetheirpropertywhentheymet。
ThensomeboyofthechummerywhereinDickylodgedwouldpoundonthedoorofhisbarelittleroom，andtellhimtocomeoutandlookatapony——theverythingtosuithim。Dickycouldnotaffordponies。Hehadtoexplainthis。Dickycouldnotaffordlivinginthechummery，modestasitwas。Hehadtoexplainthisbeforehemovedtoasingleroomnexttheofficewhereheworkedallday。Hekepthouseonagreenoil-clothtable-cover，onechair，onecharpoy，onephotograph，onetooth-glass，verystrongandthick，aseven-
rupeeeight-annafilter，andmessingbycontractatthirty-sevenrupeesamonth。Whichlastitemwasextortion。Hehadnopunkah，forapunkahcostsfifteenrupeesamonth；buthesleptontheroofoftheofficewithallhiswife'slettersunderhispillow。Nowandagainhewasaskedouttodinnerwherehegotbothapunkahandaniceddrink。Butthiswasseldom，forpeopleobjectedtorecognizingaboywhohadevidentlytheinstinctsofaScotchtallow-chandler，andwholivedinsuchanastyfashion。Dickycouldnotsubscribetoanyamusement，sohefoundnoamusementexceptthepleasureofturningoverhisBank-bookandreadingwhatitsaidabout“loansonapprovedsecurity。”Thatcostnothing。HeremittedthroughaBombayBank，bytheway，andtheStationknewnothingofhisprivateaffairs。
EverymonthhesentHomeallhecouldpossiblyspareforhiswife——
andforanotherreasonwhichwasexpectedtoexplainitselfshortlyandwouldrequiremoremoney。
Aboutthistime，Dickywasovertakenwiththenervous，hauntingfearthatbesetsmarriedmenwhentheyareoutofsorts。Hehadnopensiontolookto。Whatifheshoulddiesuddenly，andleavehiswifeunprovidedfor?Thethoughtusedtolayholdofhiminthestill，hotnightsontheroof，tilltheshakingofhisheartmadehimthinkthathewasgoingtodiethenandthereofheart-disease。
Nowthisisaframeofmindwhichnoboyhasarighttoknow。Itisastrongman'strouble；but，comingwhenitdid，itnearlydrovepoorpunkah-less，perspiringDickyHattmad。Hecouldtellnooneaboutit。
Acertainamountof“screw“isasnecessaryforamanasforabilliard-ball。Itmakesthembothdowonderfulthings。Dickyneededmoneybadly，andheworkedforitlikeahorse。But，naturally，themenwhoownedhimknewthataboycanliveverycomfortablyonacertainincome——payinIndiaisamatterofage，notmerit，yousee，andiftheirparticularboywishedtoworkliketwoboys，Businessforbidthattheyshouldstophim！ButBusinessforbidthattheyshouldgivehimanincreaseofpayathispresentridiculouslyimmatureage！SoDickywoncertainrisesofsalary——
ampleforaboy——notenoughforawifeandchild——certainlytoolittlefortheseven-hundred-rupeepassagethatheandMrs。Hatthaddiscussedsolightlyonceuponatime。Andwiththishewasforcedtobecontent。
Somehow，allhismoneyseemedtofadeawayinHomedraftsandthecrushingExchange，andthetoneoftheHomeletterschangedandgrewquerulous。“Whywouldn'tDickyhavehiswifeandthebabyout?
Surelyhehadasalary——afinesalary——anditwastoobadofhimtoenjoyhimselfinIndia。Butwouldhe——couldhe——makethenextdraftalittlemoreelastic?“Herefollowedalistofbaby'skit，aslongasaParsee'sbill。ThenDicky，whoseheartyearnedtohiswifeandthelittlesonhehadneverseen——which，again，isafeelingnoboyisentitledto——enlargedthedraftandwrotequeerhalf-boy，half-
manletters，sayingthatlifewasnotsoenjoyableafterallandwouldthelittlewifewaityetalittlelonger?Butthelittlewife，howevermuchsheapprovedofmoney，objectedtowaiting，andtherewasastrange，hardsortofringinherlettersthatDickydidn'tunderstand。Howcouldhe，poorboy?
Lateronstill——justasDickyhadbeentold——aproposofanotheryoungsterwhohad“madeafoolofhimself，“asthesayingis——thatmatrimonywouldnotonlyruinhisfurtherchancesofadvancement，butwouldlosehimhispresentappointment——camethenewsthatthebaby，hisownlittle，littleson，haddied，and，behindthis，fortylinesofanangrywoman'sscrawl，sayingthatdeathmighthavebeenavertedifcertainthings，allcostingmoney，hadbeendone，orifthemotherandthebabyhadbeenwithDicky。TheletterstruckatDicky'snakedheart；but，notbeingofficiallyentitledtoababy，hecouldshownosignoftrouble。
HowDickywonthroughthenextfourmonths，andwhathopehekeptalighttoforcehimintohiswork，noonedaresay。Hepoundedon，theseven-hundred-rupeepassageasfarawayasever，andhisstyleoflivingunchanged，exceptwhenhelaunchedintoanewfilter。
Therewasthestrainofhisoffice-work，andthestrainofhisremittances，andtheknowledgeofhisboy'sdeath，whichtouchedtheboymore，perhaps，thanitwouldhavetouchedaman；and，beyondall，theenduringstrainofhisdailylife。Gray-headedseniors，whoapprovedofhisthriftandhisfashionofdenyinghimselfeverythingpleasant，remindedhimoftheoldsawthatsays:
“Ifayouthwouldbedistinguishedinhisart，art，art，Hemustkeepthegirlsawayfromhisheart，heart，heart。”
AndDicky，whofanciedhehadbeenthrougheverytroublethatamanispermittedtoknow，hadtolaughandagree；withthelastlineofhisbalancedBank-bookjinglinginhisheaddayandnight。
Buthehadonemoresorrowtodigestbeforetheend。Therearrivedaletterfromthelittlewife——thenaturalsequenceoftheothersifDickyhadonlyknownit——andtheburdenofthatletterwas“gonewithahandsomermanthanyou。”Itwasarathercuriousproduction，withoutstops，somethinglikethis:——“ShewasnotgoingtowaitforeverandthebabywasdeadandDickywasonlyaboyandhewouldneverseteyesonheragainandwhyhadn'thewavedhishandkerchieftoherwhenheleftGravesendandGodwasherjudgeshewasawickedwomanbutDickywasworseenjoyinghimselfinIndiaandthisothermanlovedthegroundshetrodonandwouldDickyeverforgiveherforshewouldneverforgiveDicky；andtherewasnoaddresstowriteto。”
Insteadofthankinghisluckystarsthathewasfree，Dickydiscoveredexactlyhowaninjuredhusbandfeels——again，notatalltheknowledgetowhichaboyisentitled——forhismindwentbacktohiswifeasherememberedherinthethirty-shilling“suite“inMontpelierSquare，whenthedawnofhislastmorninginEnglandwasbreaking，andshewascryinginthebed。Whereatherolledaboutonhisbedandbithisfingers。Heneverstoppedtothinkwhether，ifhehadmetMrs。Hattafterthosetwoyears，hewouldhavediscoveredthatheandshehadgrownquitedifferentandnewpersons。This，theoretically，heoughttohavedone。HespentthenightaftertheEnglishMailcameinratherseverepain。
Nextmorning，DickyHattfeltdisinclinedtowork。Hearguedthathehadmissedthepleasureofyouth。Hewastired，andhehadtastedallthesorrowinlifebeforethree-and-twenty。HisHonorwasgone——thatwastheman；andnowhe，too，wouldgototheDevil——
thatwastheboyinhim。Soheputhisheaddownonthegreenoil-
clothtable-cover，andweptbeforeresigninghispost，andallitoffered。
Buttherewardofhisservicescame。Hewasgiventhreedaystoreconsiderhimself，andtheHeadoftheestablishment，aftersometelegraphings，saidthatitwasamostunusualstep，but，inviewoftheabilitythatMr。Hatthaddisplayedatsuchandsuchatime，atsuchandsuchjunctures，hewasinapositiontoofferhimaninfinitelysuperiorpost——firstonprobation，andlater，inthenaturalcourseofthings，onconfirmation。“Andhowmuchdoesthepostcarry?“saidDicky。“Sixhundredandfiftyrupees，“saidtheHeadslowly，expectingtoseetheyoungmansinkwithgratitudeandjoy。
Anditcamethen！Thesevenhundredrupeepassage，andenoughtohavesavedthewife，andthelittleson，andtohaveallowedofassuredandopenmarriage，camethen。Dickyburstintoaroaroflaughter——laughterhecouldnotcheck——nasty，janglingmerrimentthatseemedasifitwouldgoonforever。Whenhehadrecoveredhimselfhesaid，quiteseriously:——“I'mtiredofwork。I'manoldmannow。It'sabouttimeIretired。AndIwill。”
“Theboy'smad！“saidtheHead。
Ithinkhewasright；butDickyHattneverreappearedtosettlethequestion。
PIG。
Go，stalkthereddeero'ertheheatherRide，followthefoxifyoucan！
But，forpleasureandprofittogether，AllowmethehuntingofMan，——
ThechaseoftheHuman，thesearchfortheSoulToitsruin，——thehuntingofMan。
TheOldShikarri。
Ibelievethedifferencebeganinthematterofahorse，withatwistinhistemper，whomPinecoffinsoldtoNaffertonandbywhomNaffertonwasnearlyslain。Theremayhavebeenothercausesofoffence；thehorsewastheofficialstalking-horse。Naffertonwasveryangry；butPinecoffinlaughedandsaidthathehadneverguaranteedthebeast'smanners。Naffertonlaughed，too，thoughhevowedthathewouldwriteoffhisfallagainstPinecoffinifhewaitedfiveyears。Now，aDalesmanfrombeyondSkiptonwillforgiveaninjurywhentheStridletsamanlive；butaSouthDevonmanisassoftasaDartmoorbog。YoucanseefromtheirnamesthatNaffertonhadtherace-advantageofPinecoffin。Hewasapeculiarman，andhisnotionsofhumorwerecruel。Hetaughtmeanewandfascinatingformofshikar。HehoundedPinecoffinfromMithankottoJagadri，andfromGurgaontoAbbottabadupandacrossthePunjab，alargeprovinceandinplacesremarkablydry。HesaidthathehadnointentionofallowingAssistantCommissionersto“sellhimpups，“intheshapeoframping，screamingcountrybreds，withoutmakingtheirlivesaburdentothem。
MostAssistantCommissionersdevelopabentforsomespecialworkaftertheirfirsthotweatherinthecountry。TheboyswithdigestionshopetowritetheirnameslargeontheFrontierandstrugglefordrearyplaceslikeBannuandKohat。ThebiliousonesclimbintotheSecretariat。Whichisverybadfortheliver。
OthersarebittenwithamaniaforDistrictwork，GhuznividecoinsorPersianpoetry；whilesome，whocomeoffarmers'stock，findthatthesmelloftheEarthaftertheRainsgetsintotheirblood，andcallsthemto“developtheresourcesoftheProvince。”Thesemenareenthusiasts。Pinecoffinbelongedtotheirclass。Heknewagreatmanyfactsbearingonthecostofbullocksandtemporarywells，andopium-scrapers，andwhathappensifyouburntoomuchrubbishonafield，inthehopeofenrichingused-upsoil。AllthePinecoffinscomeofalandholdingbreed，andsothelandonlytookbackherownagain。Unfortunately——mostunfortunatelyforPinecoffin——hewasaCivilian，aswellasafarmer。Naffertonwatchedhim，andthoughtaboutthehorse。Naffertonsaid:——“Seemechasethatboytillhedrops！“Isaid:——“Youcan'tgetyourknifeintoanAssistantCommissioner。”NaffertontoldmethatIdidnotunderstandtheadministrationoftheProvince。
OurGovernmentisratherpeculiar。Itgushesontheagriculturalandgeneralinformationside，andwillsupplyamoderatelyrespectablemanwithallsortsof“economicstatistics，“ifhespeakstoitprettily。Forinstance，youareinterestedingold-
washinginthesandsoftheSutlej。Youpullthestring，andfindthatitwakesuphalfadozenDepartments，andfinallycommunicates，say，withafriendofyoursintheTelegraph，whooncewrotesomenotesonthecustomsofthegold-washerswhenhewasonconstruction-workintheirpartoftheEmpire。Hemayormaynotbepleasedatbeingorderedtowriteouteverythingheknowsforyourbenefit。Thisdependsonhistemperament。Thebiggermanyouare，themoreinformationandthegreatertroublecanyouraise。
Naffertonwasnotabigman；buthehadthereputationofbeingveryearnest。”An“earnest“mancandomuchwithaGovernment。Therewasanearnestmanwhooncenearlywrecked……butallIndiaknowsTHATstory。Iamnotsurewhatreal“earnestness“is。Averyfairimitationcanbemanufacturedbyneglectingtodressdecently，bymooningaboutinadreamy，mistysortofway，bytakingoffice-workhomeafterstayinginofficetillseven，andbyreceivingcrowdsofnativegentlemenonSundays。Thatisonesortof“earnestness。”
Naffertoncastaboutforapegwhereontohanghisearnestness，andforastringthatwouldcommunicatewithPinecoffin。Hefoundboth。
TheywerePig。NaffertonbecameanearnestinquirerafterPig。HeinformedtheGovernmentthathehadaschemewherebyaverylargepercentageoftheBritishArmyinIndiacouldbefed，ataverylargesaving，onPig。ThenhehintedthatPinecoffinmightsupplyhimwiththe“variedinformationnecessarytotheproperinceptionofthescheme。”SotheGovernmentwroteonthebackoftheletter:——
“InstructMr。PinecoffintofurnishMr。Naffertonwithanyinformationinhispower。”Governmentisverypronetowritingthingsonthebacksofletterswhich，later，leadtotroubleandconfusion。
NaffertonhadnotthefaintestinterestinPig，butheknewthatPinecoffinwouldflounceintothetrap。PinecoffinwasdelightedatbeingconsultedaboutPig。TheIndianPigisnotexactlyanimportantfactorinagriculturallife；butNaffertonexplainedtoPinecoffinthattherewasroomforimprovement，andcorrespondeddirectwiththatyoungman。
YoumaythinkthatthereisnotmuchtobeevolvedfromPig。Italldependshowyousettowork。PinecoffinbeingaCivilianandwishingtodothingsthoroughly，beganwithanessayonthePrimitivePig，theMythologyofthePig，andtheDravidianPig。
Naffertonfiledthatinformation——twenty-sevenfoolscapsheets——andwantedtoknowaboutthedistributionofthePiginthePunjab，andhowitstoodthePlainsinthehotweather。Fromthispointonwards，rememberthatIamgivingyouonlythebarestoutlinesoftheaffair——theguy-ropes，asitwere，ofthewebthatNaffertonspunroundPinecoffin。
PinecoffinmadeacoloredPig-populationmap，andcollectedobservationsonthecomparativelongevityofthePigainthesub-
montanetractsoftheHimalayas，andbintheRechnaDoab。
Naffertonfiledthat，andaskedwhatsortofpeoplelookedafterPig。Thisstartedanethnologicalexcursusonswineherds，anddrewfromPinecoffinlongtablesshowingtheproportionperthousandofthecasteintheDerajat。Naffertonfiledthatbundle，andexplainedthatthefigureswhichhewantedreferredtotheCis-
Sutlejstates，whereheunderstoodthatPigswereveryfineandlarge，andwhereheproposedtostartaPiggery。Bythistime，GovernmenthadquiteforgottentheirinstructionstoMr。Pinecoffin。
Theywerelikethegentlemen，inKeats'poem，whoturnedwell-oiledwheelstoskinotherpeople。ButPinecoffinwasjustenteringintothespiritofthePig-hunt，asNaffertonwellknewhewoulddo。Hehadafairamountofworkofhisowntoclearaway；buthesatupofnightsreducingPigtofiveplacesofdecimalsforthehonorofhisService。HewasnotgoingtoappearignorantofsoeasyasubjectasPig。
ThenGovernmentsenthimonspecialdutytoKohat，to“inquireinto“
thebig-seven-foot，iron-shodspadesofthatDistrict。Peoplehadbeenkillingeachotherwiththosepeacefultools；andGovernmentwishedtoknow“whetheramodifiedformofagriculturalimplementcouldnot，tentativelyandasatemporarymeasure，beintroducedamongtheagriculturalpopulationwithoutneedlesslyorundulyexasperatingtheexistingreligioussentimentsofthepeasantry。”
BetweenthosespadesandNafferton'sPig，Pinecoffinwasratherheavilyburdened。
Naffertonnowbegantotakeup“aThefood-supplyoftheindigenousPig，withaviewtotheimprovementofitscapacitiesasaflesh-former。bTheacclimatizationoftheexoticPig，maintainingitsdistinctivepeculiarities。”PinecoffinrepliedexhaustivelythattheexoticPigwouldbecomemergedintheindigenoustype；andquotedhorse-breedingstatisticstoprovethis。
Theside-issuewasdebated，atgreatlengthonPinecoffin'sside，tillNaffertonownedthathehadbeeninthewrong，andmovedthepreviousquestion。WhenPinecoffinhadquitewrittenhimselfoutaboutflesh-formers，andfibrins，andglucoseandthenitrogenousconstituentsofmaizeandlucerne，Naffertonraisedthequestionofexpense。BythistimePinecoffin，whohadbeentransferredfromKohat，haddevelopedaPigtheoryofhisown，whichhestatedinthirty-threefoliopages——allcarefullyfiledbyNafferton。Whoaskedformore。
Thesethingstooktenmonths，andPinecoffin'sinterestinthepotentialPiggeryseemedtodiedownafterhehadstatedhisownviews。ButNaffertonbombardedhimwithletterson“theImperialaspectofthescheme，astendingtoofficializethesaleofpork，andtherebycalculatedtogiveoffencetotheMahomedanpopulationofUpperIndia。”HeguessedthatPinecoffinwouldwantsomebroad，free-handworkafterhisniggling，stippling，decimaldetails。
Pinecoffinhandledthelatestdevelopmentofthecaseinmasterlystyle，andprovedthatno“popularebullitionofexcitementwastobeapprehended。”NaffertonsaidthattherewasnothinglikeCivilianinsightinmattersofthiskind，andluredhimupabye-
path——“thepossibleprofitstoaccruetotheGovernmentfromthesaleofhog-bristles。”Thereisanextensiveliteratureofhog-
bristles，andtheshoe，brush，andcolorman'stradesrecognizemorevarietiesofbristlesthanyouwouldthinkpossible。AfterPinecoffinhadwonderedalittleatNafferton'srageforinformation，hesentbackamonograph，fifty-onepages，on“ProductsofthePig。”Thisledhim，underNafferton'stenderhandling，straighttotheCawnporefactories，thetradeinhog-skinforsaddles——andthencetothetanners。Pinecoffinwrotethatpomegranate-seedwasthebestcureforhog-skin，andsuggested——forthepastfourteenmonthshadweariedhim——thatNaffertonshould“raisehispigsbeforehetannedthem。”
Naffertonwentbacktothesecondsectionofhisfifthquestion。
HowcouldtheexoticPigbebroughttogiveasmuchporkasitdidintheWestandyet“assumetheessentiallyhirsutecharacteristicsofitsorientalcongener?“Pinecoffinfeltdazed，forhehadforgottenwhathehadwrittensixteenmonth'sbefore，andfanciedthathewasabouttoreopentheentirequestion。Hewastoofarinvolvedinthehideoustangletoretreat，and，inaweakmoment，hewrote:——“Consultmyfirstletter。”WhichrelatedtotheDravidianPig。Asamatteroffact，Pinecoffinhadstilltoreachtheacclimatizationstage；havinggoneoffonaside-issueonthemergingoftypes。
THENNaffertonreallyunmaskedhisbatteries！HecomplainedtotheGovernment，instatelylanguage，of“thepaucityofhelpaccordedtomeinmyearnestattemptstostartapotentiallyremunerativeindustry，andtheflippancywithwhichmyrequestsforinformationaretreatedbyagentlemanwhosepseudo-scholarlyattainmentsshouldatlesthavetaughthimtheprimarydifferencesbetweentheDravidianandtheBerkshirevarietyofthegenusSus。IfIamtounderstandthatthelettertowhichherefersmecontainshisseriousviewsontheacclimatizationofavaluable，thoughpossiblyuncleanly，animal，Iamreluctantlycompelledtobelieve，“etc。，etc。
TherewasanewmanattheheadoftheDepartmentofCastigation。
ThewretchedPinecoffinwastoldthattheServicewasmadefortheCountry，andnottheCountryfortheService，andthathehadbetterbegintosupplyinformationaboutPigs。
PinecoffinansweredinsanelythathehadwritteneverythingthatcouldbewrittenaboutPig，andthatsomefurloughwasduetohim。
Naffertongotacopyofthatletter，andsentit，withtheessayontheDravidianPig，toadown-countrypaper，whichprintedbothinfull。Theessaywasratherhighflown；butiftheEditorhadseenthestacksofpaper，inPinecoffin'shandwriting，onNafferton'stable，hewouldnothavebeensosarcasticaboutthe“nebulousdiscursivenessandblatantself-sufficiencyofthemodernCompetition-wallah，andhisutterinabilitytograspthepracticalissuesofapracticalquestion。”ManyfriendscutouttheseremarksandsentthemtoPinecoffin。
IhavealreadystatedthatPinecoffincameofasoftstock。Thislaststrokefrightenedandshookhim。Hecouldnotunderstandit；
buthefelthehadbeen，somehow，shamelesslybetrayedbyNafferton。
HerealizedthathehadwrappedhimselfupinthePigskinwithoutneed，andthathecouldnotwellsethimselfrightwithhisGovernment。Allhisacquaintancesaskedafterhis“nebulousdiscursiveness“orhis“blatantself-sufficiency，“andthismadehimmiserable。
HetookatrainandwenttoNafferton，whomhehadnotseensincethePigbusinessbegan。Healsotookthecuttingfromthepaper，andblusteredfeeblyandcalledNaffertonnames，andthendieddowntoawatery，weakprotestofthe“I-say-it's-too-bad-you-know“
order。
Naffertonwasverysympathetic。
“I'mafraidI'vegivenyouagooddealoftrouble，haven'tI?“saidhe。
“Trouble！“whimperedPinecoffin；“Idon'tmindthetroublesomuch，thoughthatwasbadenough；butwhatIresentisthisshowingupinprint。Itwillsticktomelikeaburrallthroughmyservice。AndIDIDdomybestforyourinterminableswine。It'stoobadofyou，onmysoulitis！“
“Idon'tknow，“saidNafferton；“haveyoueverbeenstuckwithahorse?Itisn'tthemoneyImind，thoughthatisbadenough；butwhatIresentisthechaffthatfollows，especiallyfromtheboywhostuckme。ButIthinkwe'llcryquitenow。”
Pinecoffinfoundnothingtosaysavebadwords；andNaffertonsmiledeversosweetly，andaskedhimtodinner。
THEROUTOFTHEWHITEHUSSARS。
ItwasnotintheopenfightWethrewawaythesword，ButinthelonelywatchingInthedarknessbytheford。
Thewaterslapped，thenight-windblew，Full-armedtheFearwasbornandgrew，AndwewereflyingereweknewFrompanicinthenight。
BeoniBar。
SomepeopleholdthatanEnglishCavalryregimentcannotrun。Thisisamistake。Ihaveseenfourhundredandthirty-sevensabresflyingoverthefaceofthecountryinabjectterror——haveseenthebestRegimentthateverdrewbridle，wipedofftheArmyListforthespaceoftwohours。IfyourepeatthistaletotheWhiteHussarstheywill，inallprobability，treatyouseverely。Theyarenotproudoftheincident。
YoumayknowtheWhiteHussarsbytheir“side，“whichisgreaterthanthatofalltheCavalryRegimentsontheroster。Ifthisisnotasufficientmark，youmayknowthembytheiroldbrandy。IthasbeensixtyyearsintheMessandisworthgoingfartotaste。
Askforthe“McGaire“oldbrandy，andseethatyougetit。IftheMessSergeantthinksthatyouareuneducated，andthatthegenuinearticlewillbelostonyou，hewilltreatyouaccordingly。Heisagoodman。But，whenyouareatMess，youmustnevertalktoyourhostsaboutforcedmarchesorlong-distancerides。TheMessareverysensitive；and，iftheythinkthatyouarelaughingatthem，willtellyouso。
AstheWhiteHussarssay，itwasalltheColonel'sfault。Hewasanewman，andheoughtnevertohavetakentheCommand。HesaidthattheRegimentwasnotsmartenough。ThistotheWhiteHussars，whoknewtheycouldwalkroundanyHorseandthroughanyGuns，andoveranyFootonthefaceoftheearth！Thatinsultwasthefirstcauseofoffence。
ThentheColonelcasttheDrum-Horse——theDrum-HorseoftheWhiteHussars！Perhapsyoudonotseewhatanunspeakablecrimehehadcommitted。Iwilltrytomakeitclear。ThesouloftheRegimentlivesintheDrum-Horse，whocarriesthesilverkettle-drums。HeisnearlyalwaysabigpiebaldWaler。Thatisapointofhonor；andaRegimentwillspendanythingyoupleaseonapiebald。Heisbeyondtheordinarylawsofcasting。Hisworkisverylight，andheonlymanoeuvresatafoot-pace。Wherefore，solongashecanstepoutandlookhandsome，hiswell-beingisassured。HeknowsmoreabouttheRegimentthantheAdjutant，andcouldnotmakeamistakeifhetried。
TheDrum-HorseoftheWhiteHussarswasonlyeighteenyearsold，andperfectlyequaltohisduties。Hehadatleastsixyears'moreworkinhim，andcarriedhimselfwithallthepompanddignityofaDrum-
MajoroftheGuards。TheRegimenthadpaidRs。1，200forhim。
ButtheColonelsaidthathemustgo，andhewascastindueformandreplacedbyawashy，baybeastasuglyasamule，withaewe-
neck，rat-tail，andcow-hocks。TheDrummerdetestedthatanimal，andthebestoftheBand-horsesputbacktheirearsandshowedthewhitesoftheireyesattheverysightofhim。Theyknewhimforanupstartandnogentleman。IfancythattheColonel'sideasofsmartnessextendedtotheBand，andthathewantedtomakeittakepartintheregularparademovements。ACavalryBandisasacredthing。ItonlyturnsoutforCommandingOfficers'parades，andtheBandMasterisonedegreemoreimportantthantheColonel。HeisaHighPriestandthe“KeelRow“ishisholysong。The“KeelRow“istheCavalryTrot；andthemanwhohasneverheardthattunerising，highandshrill，abovetherattleoftheRegimentgoingpastthesaluting-base，hassomethingyettohearandunderstand。
WhentheColonelcasttheDrum-horseoftheWhiteHussars，therewasnearlyamutiny。
Theofficerswereangry，theRegimentwerefurious，andtheBandsmanswore——liketroopers。TheDrum-Horsewasgoingtobeputuptoauction——publicauction——tobebought，perhaps，byaParseeandputintoacart！ItwasworsethanexposingtheinnerlifeoftheRegimenttothewholeworld，orsellingtheMessPlatetoaJew——ablackJew。
TheColonelwasameanmanandabully。HeknewwhattheRegimentthoughtabouthisaction；and，whenthetroopersofferedtobuytheDrum-Horse，hesaidthattheirofferwasmutinousandforbiddenbytheRegulations。
ButoneoftheSubalterns——Hogan-Yale，anIrishman——boughttheDrum-
HorseforRs。160atthesale；andtheColonelwaswroth。Yaleprofessedrepentance——hewasunnaturallysubmissive——andsaidthat，ashehadonlymadethepurchasetosavethehorsefrompossibleill-treatmentandstarvation，hewouldnowshoothimandendthebusiness。ThisappearedtosoothetheColonel，forhewantedtheDrum-Horsedisposedof。Hefeltthathehadmadeamistake，andcouldnotofcourseacknowledgeit。Meantime，thepresenceoftheDrum-Horsewasanannoyancetohim。
Yaletooktohimselfaglassoftheoldbrandy，threecheroots，andhisfriend，Martyn；andtheyalllefttheMesstogether。YaleandMartynconferredfortwohoursinYale'squarters；butonlythebull-terrierwhokeepswatchoverYale'sboot-treesknowswhattheysaid。Ahorse，hoodedandsheetedtohisears，leftYale'sstablesandwastaken，veryunwillingly，intotheCivilLines。Yale'sgroomwentwithhim。TwomenbrokeintotheRegimentalTheatreandtookseveralpaint-potsandsomelargescenerybrushes。ThennightfellovertheCantonments，andtherewasanoiseasofahorsekickinghisloose-boxtopiecesinYale'sstables。Yalehadabig，old，whiteWalertrap-horse。
ThenextdaywasaThursday，andthemen，hearingthatYalewasgoingtoshoottheDrum-Horseintheevening，determinedtogivethebeastaregularregimentalfuneral——afineronethantheywouldhavegiventheColonelhadhediedjustthen。Theygotabullock-cartandsomesacking，andmoundsandmoundsofroses，andthebody，undersacking，wascarriedouttotheplacewheretheanthraxcaseswerecremated；two-thirdsoftheRegimentfollowed。TherewasnoBand，buttheyallsang“ThePlacewheretheoldHorsedied“assomethingrespectfulandappropriatetotheoccasion。Whenthecorpsewasdumpedintothegraveandthemenbeganthrowingdownarmfulsofrosestocoverit，theFarrier-Sergeantrippedoutanoathandsaidaloud:——“Why，itain'ttheDrum-Horseanymorethanit'sme！“TheTroop-Sergeant-MajorsaskedhimwhetherhehadlefthisheadintheCanteen。TheFarrier-SergeantsaidthatheknewtheDrum-Horse'sfeetaswellasheknewhisown；buthewassilencedwhenhesawtheregimentalnumberburntinonthepoorstiff，upturnednear-fore。
ThuswastheDrum-HorseoftheWhiteHussarsburied；theFarrier-
Sergeantgrumbling。Thesackingthatcoveredthecorpsewassmearedinplaceswithblackpaint；andtheFarrier-Sergeantdrewattentiontothisfact。ButtheTroop-Sergeant-MajorofETroopkickedhimseverelyontheshin，andtoldhimthathewasundoubtedlydrunk。
OntheMondayfollowingtheburial，theColonelsoughtrevengeontheWhiteHussars。Unfortunately，beingatthattimetemporarilyinCommandoftheStation，heorderedaBrigadefield-day。Hesaidthathewishedtomaketheregiment“sweatfortheirdamnedinsolence，“andhecarriedouthisnotionthoroughly。ThatMondaywasoneofthehardestdaysinthememoryoftheWhiteHussars。
Theywerethrownagainstaskeleton-enemy，andpushedforward，andwithdrawn，anddismounted，and“scientificallyhandled“ineverypossiblefashionoverdustycountry，tilltheysweatedprofusely。
Theironlyamusementcamelateintheday，whentheyfelluponthebatteryofHorseArtilleryandchaseditfortwomile's。Thiswasapersonalquestion，andmostofthetroopershadmoneyontheevent；
theGunnerssayingopenlythattheyhadthelegsoftheWhiteHussars。Theywerewrong。Amarch-pastconcludedthecampaign，andwhentheRegimentgotbacktotheirLines，themenwerecoatedwithdirtfromspurtochin-strap。
TheWhiteHussarshaveonegreatandpeculiarprivilege。TheywonitatFontenoy，Ithink。
ManyRegimentspossessspecialrights，suchaswearingcollarswithundressuniform，orabowofribbonbetweentheshoulders，orredandwhiterosesintheirhelmetsoncertaindaysoftheyear。Somerightsareconnectedwithregimentalsaints，andsomewithregimentalsuccesses。Allarevaluedhighly；butnonesohighlyastherightoftheWhiteHussarstohavetheBandplayingwhentheirhorsesarebeingwateredintheLines。Onlyonetuneisplayed。
andthattunenevervaries。Idon'tknowitsrealname，buttheWhiteHussarscallit:——“TakemetoLondonagain。”Itsound'sverypretty。TheRegimentwouldsoonerbestruckofftherosterthanforegotheirdistinction。
Afterthe“dismiss“wassounded，theofficersrodeoffhometoprepareforstables；andthemenfiledintothelines，ridingeasy。
Thatistosay，theyopenedtheirtightbuttons，shiftedtheirhelmets，andbegantojokeortoswearasthehumortookthem；themorecarefulslippingoffandeasinggirthsandcurbs。Agoodtroopervalueshismountexactlyasmuchashevalueshimself，andbelieves，orshouldbelieve，thatthetwotogetherareirresistiblewherewomenormen，girl'sorgun's，areconcerned。
ThentheOrderly-Officergavetheorder:——“Waterhorses，“andtheRegimentloafedofftothesquadron-troughs，whichwereinrearofthestablesandbetweentheseandthebarracks。Therewerefourhugetroughs，oneforeachsquadron，arrangedenechelon，sothatthewholeRegimentcouldwaterintenminutesifitliked。Butitlingeredforseventeen，asarule，whiletheBandplayed。
Thebandstruckupasthesquadronsfiledoffthetroughsandthemenslippedtheirfeetoutofthestirrupsandchaffedeachother。
Thesunwasjustsettinginabig，hotbedofredcloud，andtheroadtotheCivilLinesseemedtorunstraightintothesun'seye。
Therewasalittledotontheroad。Itgrewandgrewtillitshowedasahorse，withasortofgridironthingonhisback。Theredcloudglaredthroughthebarsofthegridiron。Someofthetroopersshadedtheireyeswiththeirhandsandsaid:——“Whatthemischiefasthatthere'orsegoton'im！“
Inanotherminutetheyheardaneighthateverysoul——horseandman——
intheRegimentknew，andsaw，headingstraighttowardstheBand，thedeadDrum-HorseoftheWhiteHussars！
Onhiswithersbangedandbumpedthekettle-drumsdrapedincrape，andonhisback，verystiffandsoldierly，satabare-headedskeleton。
Thebandstoppedplaying，and，foramoment，therewasahush。
ThensomeoneinEtroop——mensaiditwastheTroop-Sergeant-Major——
swunghishorseroundandyelled。Noonecanaccountexactlyforwhathappenedafterwards；butitseemsthat，atleast，onemanineachtroopsetanexampleofpanic，andtherestfollowedlikesheep。Thehorsesthathadbarelyputtheirmuzzlesintothetrough'srearedandcapered；but，assoonastheBandbroke，whichitdidwhentheghostoftheDrum-Horsewasaboutafurlongdistant，allhoovesfollowedsuit，andtheclatterofthestampede——quitedifferentfromtheorderlythrobandroarofamovementonparade，ortheroughhorse-playofwateringincamp——madethemonlymoreterrified。Theyfeltthatthemenontheirbackswereafraidofsomething。WhenhorsesonceknowTHAT，allisoverexceptthebutchery。
Troopaftertroopturnedfromthetroughsandran——anywhere，andeverywhere——likespitquicksilver。Itwasamostextraordinaryspectacle，formenandhorseswereinallstagesofeasiness，andthecarbine-bucketsfloppingagainsttheirsidesurgedthehorseson。Menwereshoutingandcursing，andtryingtopullclearoftheBandwhichwasbeingchasedbytheDrum-Horsewhoseriderhadfallenforwardandseemedtobespurringforawager。
TheColonelhadgoneovertotheMessforadrink。Mostoftheofficerswerewithhim，andtheSubalternoftheDaywaspreparingtogodowntothelines，andreceivethewateringreportsfromtheTroop-SergeantMajors。When“TakemetoLondonagain“stopped，aftertwentybars，everyoneintheMesssaid:——“Whatonearthhashappened?“Aminutelater，theyheardunmilitarynoises，andsaw，faracrosstheplain，theWhiteHussarsscattered，andbroken，andflying。
TheColonelwasspeechlesswithrage，forhethoughtthattheRegimenthadrisenagainsthimorwasunanimouslydrunk。TheBand，adisorganizedmob，torepast，andatit'sheelslaboredtheDrum-
Horse——thedeadandburiedDrum-Horse——withthejolting，clatteringskeleton。Hogan-YalewhisperedsoftlytoMartyn:——“Nowirewillstandthattreatment，“andtheBand，whichhaddoubledlikeahare，camebackagain。ButtherestoftheRegimentwasgone，wasriotingallovertheProvince，fortheduskhadshutinandeachmanwashowlingtohisneighborthattheDrum-Horsewasonhisflank。
Troop-Horsesarefartootenderlytreatedasarule。Theycan，onemergencies，doagreatdeal，evenwithseventeenstoneontheirbacks。Asthetroopersfoundout。
HowlongthispaniclastedIcannotsay。Ibelievethatwhenthemoonrosethemensawtheyhadnothingtofear，and，bytwosandthreesandhalf-troops，creptbackintoCantonmentsverymuchashamedofthemselves。Meantime，theDrum-Horse，disgustedathistreatmentbyoldfriends，pulledup，wheeledround，andtrotteduptotheMessverandah-stepsforbread。Noonelikedtorun；butnoonecaredtogoforwardtilltheColonelmadeamovementandlaidholdoftheskeleton'sfoot。TheBandhadhaltedsomedistanceaway，andnowcamebackslowly。TheColonelcalledit，individuallyandcollectively，everyevilnamethatoccurredtohimatthetime；
forhehadsethishandonthebosomoftheDrum-Horseandfoundfleshandblood。Thenhebeatthekettle-drumswithhisclenchedfist，anddiscoveredthattheywerebutmadeofsilveredpaperandbamboo。Next，stillswearing，hetriedtodragtheskeletonoutofthesaddle，butfoundthatithadbeenwiredintothecantle。ThesightoftheColonel，withhisarmsroundtheskeleton'spelvisandhiskneeintheoldDrum-Horse'sstomach，wasstriking。Nottosayamusing。Heworriedthethingoffinaminuteortwo，andthrewitdownontheground，sayingtotheBand:——“Here，youcurs，that'swhatyou'reafraidof。”Theskeletondidnotlookprettyinthetwilight。TheBand-Sergeantseemedtorecognizeit，forhebegantochuckleandchoke。“ShallItakeitaway，sir?“saidtheBand-
Sergeant。“Yes，“saidtheColonel，“takeittoHell，andridethereyourselves！“
TheBand-Sergeantsaluted，hoistedtheskeletonacrosshissaddle-
bow，andledofftothestables。ThentheColonelbegantomakeinquiriesfortherestoftheRegiment，andthelanguageheusedwaswonderful。HewoulddisbandtheRegiment——hewouldcourt-martialeverysoulinit——hewouldnotcommandsuchasetofrabble，andsoon，andsoon。Asthemendroppedin，hislanguagegrewwilder，untilatlastitexceededtheutmostlimitsoffreespeechallowedeventoaColonelofHorse。
MartyntookHogan-Yaleasideandsuggestedcompulsoryretirementfromtheserviceasanecessitywhenallwasdiscovered。Martynwastheweakermanofthetwo，Hogan-Yaleputuphiseyebrowsandremarked，firstly，thathewasthesonofaLord，andsecondly，thathewasasinnocentasthebabeunbornofthetheatricalresurrectionoftheDrum-Horse。
“Myinstructions，“saidYale，withasingularlysweetsmile，“werethattheDrum-Horseshouldbesentbackasimpressivelyaspossible。
Iaskyou，AMIresponsibleifamule-headedfriendsendshimbackinsuchamannerastodisturbthepeaceofmindofaregimentofHerMajesty'sCavalry?“
Martynsaid:——“youareagreatmanandwillintimebecomeaGeneral；butI'dgivemychanceofatrooptobesafeoutofthisaffair。”
ProvidencesavedMartynandHogan-Yale。TheSecond-in-CommandledtheColonelawaytothelittlecurtainedalcovewhereinthesubalternsofthewhiteHussarswereaccustomedtoplaypokerofnights；andthere，aftermanyoathsontheColonel'spart，theytalkedtogetherinlowtones。IfancythattheSecond-in-Commandmusthaverepresentedthescareastheworkofsometrooperwhomitwouldbehopelesstodetect；andIknowthathedweltuponthesinandtheshameofmakingapubliclaughingstockofthescare。
“Theywillcallus，“saidtheSecond-in-Command，whohadreallyafineimagination，“theywillcallusthe'Fly-by-Nights'；theywillcallusthe'GhostHunters'；theywillnicknameusfromoneendoftheArmylisttotheother。Alltheexplanationsintheworldwon'tmakeoutsidersunderstandthattheofficerswereawaywhenthepanicbegan。ForthehonoroftheRegimentandforyourownsakekeepthisthingquiet。”
TheColonelwassoexhaustedwithangerthatsoothinghimdownwasnotsodifficultasmightbeimagined。Hewasmadetosee，gentlyandbydegrees，thatitwasobviouslyimpossibletocourt-martialthewholeRegiment，andequallyimpossibletoproceedagainstanysubalternwho，inhisbelief，hadanyconcerninthehoax。
“Butthebeast'salive！He'sneverbeenshotatall！“shoutedtheColonel。“It'sflat，flagrantdisobedience！I'veknownamanbrokeforless，d——dsightless。They'remockingme，Itellyou，Mutman！
They'remockingme！“
Oncemore，theSecond-in-CommandsethimselftosooththeColonel，andwrestledwithhimforhalf-an-hour。Attheendofthattime，theRegimentalSergeant-Majorreportedhimself。Thesituationwasrathernoveltelltohim；buthewasnotamantobeputoutbycircumstances。Hesalutedandsaid:“Regimentallcomeback，Sir。”
Then，topropitiatetheColonel:——“An'noneofthehorsesanytheworse，Sir。”
TheColonelonlysnortedandanswered:——“You'dbettertuckthemenintotheircots，then，andseethattheydon'twakeupandcryinthenight。”TheSergeantwithdrew。
HislittlestrokeofhumorpleasedtheColonel，and，further，hefeltslightlyashamedofthelanguagehehadbeenusing。TheSecond-in-Commandworriedhimagain，andthetwosattalkingfarintothenight。
Nextdaybutone，therewasaCommandingOfficer'sparade，andtheColonelharanguedtheWhiteHussarsvigorously。Thepithofhisspeechwasthat，sincetheDrum-HorseinhisoldagehadprovedhimselfcapableofcuttinguptheWholeRegiment，heshouldreturntohispostofprideattheheadoftheband，BUTtheRegimentwereasetofruffianswithbadconsciences。
TheWhiteHussarsshouted，andthreweverythingmovableaboutthemintotheair，andwhentheparadewasover，theycheeredtheColoneltilltheycouldn'tspeak。NocheerswereputupforLieutenantHogan-Yale，whosmiledverysweetlyinthebackground。
SaidtheSecond-in-CommandtotheColonel，unofficially:——“Theselittlethingsensurepopularity，anddonottheleastaffectdiscipline。”
“ButIwentbackonmyword，“saidtheColonel。
“Nevermind，“saidtheSecond-in-Command。“TheWhiteHussarswillfollowyouanywherefromto-day。Regiment'sarejustlikewomen。
Theywilldoanythingfortrinketry。”
Aweeklater，Hogan-Yalereceivedanextraordinaryletterfromsomeonewhosignedhimself“SecretaryCharityandZeal，3709，E。C。，“
andaskedfor“thereturnofourskeletonwhichwehavereasontobelieveisinyourpossession。”
“Whothedeuceisthislunaticwhotradesinbones?“saidHogan-
Yale。
“Begyourpardon，Sir，“saidtheBand-Sergeant，“buttheskeletoniswithme，an'I'llreturnitifyou'llpaythecarriageintotheCivilLines。There'sacoffinwithit，Sir。”
Hogan-YalesmiledandhandedtworupeestotheBand-Sergeant，saying:——“Writethedateontheskull，willyou?“
Ifyoudoubtthisstory，andknowwheretogo，youcanseethedateontheskeleton。Butdon'tmentionthemattertotheWhiteHussars。
Ihappentoknowsomethingaboutit，becauseIpreparedtheDrum-
Horseforhisresurrection。Hedidnottakekindlytotheskeletonatall。
THEBRONCKHORSTDIVORCE-CASE。
Inthedaytime，whenshemovedaboutme，Inthenight，whenshewassleepingatmyside，——
Iwaswearied，Iwasweariedofherpresence。
DaybydayandnightbynightIgrewtohateher——
WouldtoGodthatsheorIhaddied！
Confessions。
TherewasamancalledBronckhorst——athree-cornered，middle-agedmanintheArmy——grayasabadger，and，somepeoplesaid，withatouchofcountry-bloodinhim。That，however，cannotbeproved。
Mrs。Bronckhorstwasnotexactlyyoung，thoughfifteenyearsyoungerthanherhusband。Shewasalarge，pale，quietwoman，withheavyeyelids，overweakeyes，andhairthatturnedredoryellowasthelightsfellonit。
Bronckhorstwasnotniceinanyway。Hehadnorespectfortheprettypublicandprivateliesthatmakelifealittlelessnastythanitis。Hismannertowardshiswifewascoarse。Therearemanythings——includingactualassaultwiththeclenchedfist——thatawifewillendure；butseldomawifecanbear——asMrs。Bronckhorstbore——
withalongcourseofbrutal，hardchaff，makinglightofherweaknesses，herheadaches，hersmallfitsofgayety，herdresses，herqueerlittleattemptstomakeherselfattractivetoherhusbandwhensheknowsthatsheisnotwhatshehasbeen，and——worstofall——
thelovethatshespendsonherchildren。Thatparticularsortofheavy-handedjestwasspeciallydeartoBronckhorst。Isupposethathehadfirstslippedintoit，meaningnoharm，inthehoneymoon，whenfolkfindtheirordinarystockofendearmentsrunshort，andsogototheotherextremetoexpresstheirfeelings。Asimilarimpulsemake'samansay:——“Hutt，youoldbeast！“whenafavoritehorsenuzzleshiscoat-front。Unluckily，whenthereactionofmarriagesetsin，theformofspeechremains，and，thetendernesshavingdiedout，hurtsthewifemorethanshecarestosay。ButMrs。Bronckhorstwasdevotedtoher“teddy，“asshecalledhim。
Perhapsthatwaswhyheobjectedtoher。Perhaps——thisisonlyatheorytoaccountforhisinfamousbehaviorlateron——hegavewaytothequeersavagefeelingthatsometimestakesbythethroatahusbandtwentyyears'married，whenhesees，acrossthetable，thesamefaceofhisweddedwife，andknowsthat，ashehassatfacingit，somusthecontinuetosituntildayofitsdeathorhisown。
Mostmenandallwomenknowthespasm。Itonlylastsforthreebreathsasarule，mustbea“throw-back“totimeswhenmenandwomenwereratherworsethantheyarenow，andistoounpleasanttobediscussed。
DinnerattheBronckhorst'swasaninflictionfewmencaredtoundergo。Bronckhorsttookapleasureinsayingthingsthatmadehiswifewince。Whentheirlittleboycameinatdessert，Bronckhorstusedtogivehimhalfaglassofwine，andnaturallyenough，thepoorlittlemitegotfirstriotous，nextmiserable，andwasremovedscreaming。BronckhorstaskedifthatwasthewayTeddyusuallybehaved，andwhetherMrs。Bronckhorstcouldnotsparesomeofhertimetoteachthe“littlebeggardecency。”Mrs。Bronckhorst，wholovedtheboymorethanherownlife，triednottocry——herspiritseemedtohavebeenbrokenbyhermarriage。Lastly，Bronckhorstusedtosay:——“There！That'lldo，that'lldo。ForGod'ssaketrytobehavelikearationalwoman。Gointothedrawing-room。”Mrs。
Bronckhorstwouldgo，tryingtocarryitalloffwithasmile；andtheguestoftheeveningwouldfeelangryanduncomfortable。
Afterthreeyearsofthischeerfullife——forMrs。Bronckhorsthadnowoman-friendstotalkto——theStationwasstartledbythenewsthatBronckhorsthadinstitutedproceedingsONTHECRIMINALCOUNT，againstamancalledBiel，whocertainlyhadbeenratherattentivetoMrs。Bronckhorstwhenevershehadappearedinpublic。TheutterwantofreservewithwhichBronckhorsttreatedhisowndishonorhelpedustoknowthattheevidenceagainstBielwouldbeentirelycircumstantialandnative。Therewerenoletters；butBronckhorstsaidopenlythathewouldrackHeavenandEarthuntilhesawBielsuperintendingthemanufactureofcarpetsintheCentralJail。Mrs。
Bronckhorstkeptentirelytoherhouse，andletcharitablefolkssaywhattheypleased。Opinionsweredivided。Sometwo-thirdsoftheStationjumpedatoncetotheconclusionthatBielwasguilty；butadozenmenwhoknewandlikedhimheldbyhim。Bielwasfuriousandsurprised。Hedeniedthewholething，andvowedthathewouldthrashBronckhorstwithinaninchofhislife。Nojury，weknew，couldconvictamanonthecriminalcountonnativeevidenceinalandwhereyoucanbuyamurder-charge，includingthecorpse，allcompleteforfifty-fourrupees；butBieldidnotcaretoscrapethroughbythebenefitofadoubt。Hewantedthewholethingcleared:butashesaidonenight:——“Hecanproveanythingwithservants'evidence，andI'veonlymybareword。”Thiswasaboutamonthbeforethecasecameon；andbeyondagreeingwithBiel，wecoulddolittle。AllthatwecouldbesureofwasthatthenativeevidencewouldbebadenoughtoblastBiel'scharacterfortherestofhisservice；forwhenanativebeginsperjuryheperjureshimselfthoroughly。Hedoesnotboggleoverdetails。
Somegeniusattheendofthetablewhereattheaffairwasbeingtalkedover，said:——“Lookhere！Idon'tbelievelawyersareanygood。GetamantowiretoStrickland，andbeghimtocomedownandpullusthrough。”
Stricklandwasaboutahundredandeightymilesuptheline。HehadnotlongbeenmarriedtoMissYoughal，buthescentedinthetelegramachanceofreturntotheolddetectiveworkthathissoullustedafter，andnextnighthecameinandheardourstory。Hefinishedhispipeandsaidoracularly:——wemustgetattheevidence。
Ooryabearer，Mussalmankhitandmethraniayah，Isuppose，arethepillarsofthecharge。Iamoninthispiece；butI'mafraidI'mgettingrustyinmytalk。”
HeroseandwentintoBiel'sbedroomwherehistrunkhadbeenput，andshutthedoor。Anhourlater，weheardhimsay:——“Ihadn'tthehearttopartwithmyoldmakeupswhenImarried。Willthisdo?“
Therewasalothelyfaquirsalaaminginthedoorway。
“Nowlendmefiftyrupees，“saidStrickland，“andgivemeyourWordsofHonorthatyouwon'ttellmyWife。”
Hegotallthatheaskedfor，andleftthehousewhilethetabledrankhishealth。Whathedidonlyhehimselfknows。AfaquirhungaboutBronckhorst'scompoundfortwelvedays。Thenamehterappeared，andwhenBielheardofHIM，hesaidthatStricklandwasanangelfull-fledged。WhetherthemehtermadelovetoJanki，Mrs。
Bronckhorst'sayah，isaquestionwhichconcernsStricklandexclusively。
Hecamebackattheendofthreeweeks，andsaidquietly:——“Youspokethetruth，Biel。Thewholebusinessisputupfrombeginningtoend。Jove！ItalmostastonishesME！ThatBronckhorst-beastisn'tfittolive。”
Therewasuproarandshouting，andBielsaid:——“Howareyougoingtoproveit?Youcan'tsaythatyou'vebeentrespassingonBronckhorst'scompoundindisguise！“
“No，“saidStrickland。“Tellyourlawyer-fool，whoeverheis，togetupsomethingstrongabout'inherentimprobabilities'and'discrepanciesofevidence。'Hewon'thavetospeak，butitwillmakehimhappy。I'Mgoingtorunthisbusiness。”
Bielheldhistongue，andtheothermenwaitedtoseewhatwouldhappen。TheytrustedStricklandasmentrustquietmen。WhenthecasecameofftheCourtwascrowded。StricklandhungaboutintheverandahoftheCourt，tillhemettheMohammedankhitmatgar。Thenhemurmuredafaquir'sblessinginhisear，andaskedhimhowhissecondwifedid。Themanspunround，and，ashelookedintotheeyesof“EstreekenSahib，“hisjawdropped。YoumustrememberthatbeforeStricklandwasmarried，hewas，asIhavetoldyoualready，apoweramongnatives。Stricklandwhisperedarathercoarsevernacularproverbtotheeffectthathewasabreastofallthatwasgoingon，andwentintotheCourtarmedwithaguttrainer's-whip。
TheMohammedanwasthefirstwitnessandStricklandbeameduponhimfromthebackoftheCourt。Themanmoistenedhislipswithhistongueand，inhisabjectfearof“EstreekenSahib“thefaquir，wentbackoneverydetailofhisevidence——saidhewasapoormanandGodwashiswitnessthathehadforgotteneverythingthatBronckhorstSahibhadtoldhimtosay。BetweenhisterrorofStrickland，theJudge，andBronckhorsthecollapsed，weeping。
Thenbeganthepanicamongthewitnesses。Janki，theayah，leeringchastelybehindherveil，turnedgray，andthebearerlefttheCourt。HesaidthathisMammawasdyingandthatitwasnotwholesomeforanymantolieunthriftilyinthepresenceof“EstreekenSahib。”
BielsaidpolitelytoBronckhorst:——“Yourwitnessesdon'tseemtowork。Haven'tyouanyforgedletterstoproduce?“ButBronckhorstwasswayingtoandfroinhischair，andtherewasadeadpauseafterBielhadbeencalledtoorder。
Bronckhorst'sCounselsawthelookonhisclient'sface，andwithoutmoreado，pitchedhispapersonthelittlegreenbaizetable，andmumbledsomethingabouthavingbeenmisinformed。ThewholeCourtapplaudedwildly，likesoldiersatatheatre，andtheJudgebegantosaywhathethought……
Bielcameoutoftheplace，andStricklanddroppedaguttrainer's-
whipintheverandah。Tenminuteslater，BielwascuttingBronckhorstintoribbonsbehindtheoldCourtcells，quietlyandwithoutscandal。WhatwasleftofBronckhorstwassenthomeinacarriage；andhiswifeweptoveritandnurseditintoamanagain。
Lateron，afterBielhadmanagedtohushupthecounter-chargeagainstBronckhorstoffabricatingfalseevidence，Mrs。Bronckhorst，withherfaintwaterysmile，saidthattherehadbeenamistake，butitwasn'therTeddy'sfaultaltogether。ShewouldwaittillherTeddycamebacktoher。Perhapshehadgrowntiredofher，orshehadtriedhispatience，andperhapswewouldn'tcutheranymore，andperhapsthemotherswouldlettheirchildrenplaywith“littleTeddy“again。Hewassolonely。ThentheStationinvitedMrs。
Bronckhorsteverywhere，untilBronckhorstwasfittoappearinpublic，whenhewentHomeandtookhiswifewithhim。Accordingtothelatestadvices，herTeddydid“comebacktoher，“andtheyaremoderatelyhappy。Though，ofcourse，hecanneverforgiveherthethrashingthatshewastheindirectmeansofgettingforhim……
WhatBielwantstoknowis:——“Whydidn'tIpresshomethechargeagainsttheBronckhorst-brute，andhavehimrunin?“
WhatMrs。Stricklandwantstoknowis:——“HowDIDmyhusbandbringsuchalovely，lovelyWalerfromyourStation?IknowALLhismoney-affairs；andI'mCERTAINhedidn'tBUYit。”
WhatIwanttoknowis:——HowdowomenlikeMrs。BronckhorstcometomarrymenlikeBronckhorst?“
Andmyconundrumisthemostunanswerableofthethree。
VENUSANNODOMINI。
Andtheyearswentonastheyearsmustdo；
ButourgreatDianawasalwaysnew——
Fresh，andblooming，andblonde，andfair，Withazureeyesandwithaureatehair；
Andallthefolk，astheycameorwent，Offeredherpraisetoherheart'scontent。
DianaofEphesus。
ShehadnothingtodowithNumberEighteenintheBraccioNuovooftheVatican，betweenVisconti'sCeresandtheGodoftheNile。ShewaspurelyanIndiandeity——anAnglo-Indiandeity，thatistosay——
andwecalledherTHEVenusAnnodomini，todistinguishherfromotherAnnodominisofthesameeverlastingorder。TherewasalegendamongtheHillsthatshehadoncebeenyoung；butnolivingmanwaspreparedtocomeforwardandsayboldlythatthelegendwastrue。
MenrodeuptoSimla，andstayed，andwentawayandmadetheirnameanddidtheirlife'swork，andreturnedagaintofindtheVenusAnnodominiexactlyastheyhadlefther。ShewasasimmutableastheHills。Butnotquitesogreen。Allthatagirlofeighteencoulddointhewayofriding，walking，dancing，picnickingandover-exertiongenerally，theVenusAnnodominidid，andshowednosignoffatigueortraceofweariness。Besidesperpetualyouth，shehaddiscovered，mensaid，thesecretofperpetualhealth；andherfamespreadabouttheland。Fromamerewoman，shegrewtobeanInstitution，insomuchthatnoyoungmancouldbesaidtobeproperlyformed，whohadnot，atsometimeoranother，worshippedattheshrineoftheVenusAnnodomini。Therewasnoonelikeher，thoughthereweremanyimitations。Sixyearsinhereyeswerenomorethansixmonthstoordinarywomen；andtenmadelessvisibleimpressiononherthandoesaweek'sfeveronanordinarywoman。Everyoneadoredher，andinreturnshewaspleasantandcourteoustonearlyeveryone。Youthhadbeenahabitofhersforsolong，thatshecouldnotpartwithit——neverrealized，infact，thenecessityofpartingwithit——andtookforhermorechosenassociatesyoungpeople。
AmongtheworshippersoftheVenusAnnodominiwasyoungGayerson。
“VeryYoung“Gayerson，hewascalledtodistinguishhimfromhisfather“Young“Gayerson，aBengalCivilian，whoaffectedthecustoms——ashehadtheheart——ofyouth。“VeryYoung“Gayersonwasnotcontenttoworshipplacidlyandforform'ssake，astheotheryoungmendid，ortoacceptarideoradance，oratalkfromtheVenusAnnodominiinaproperlyhumbleandthankfulspirit。Hewasexacting，and，therefore，theVenusAnnodominirepressedhim。Heworriedhimselfnearlysickinafutilesortofwayoverher；andhisdevotionandearnestnessmadehimappeareithershyorboisterousorrude，ashismoodmightvary，bythesideoftheoldermenwho，withhim，bowedbeforetheVenusAnnodomini。Shewassorryforhim。Heremindedherofaladwho，three-and-twentyyearsago，hadprofessedaboundlessdevotionforher，andforwhominreturnshehadfeltsomethingmorethanaweek'sweakness。Butthatladhadfallenawayandmarriedanotherwomanlessthanayearafterhehadworshippedher；andtheVenusAnnodominihadalmost——notquite——
forgottenhisname。“VeryYoung“Gayersonhadthesamebigblueeyesandthesamewayofpoutinghisunderlipwhenhewasexcitedortroubled。ButtheVenusAnnodominicheckedhimsternlynonetheless。Toomuchzealwasathingthatshedidnotapproveof；
preferringinstead，atemperedandsobertenderness。
“VeryYoung“Gayersonwasmiserable，andtooknotroubletoconcealhiswretchedness。HewasintheArmy——aLineregimentIthink，butamnotcertain——and，sincehisfacewasalooking-glassandhisforeheadanopenbook，byreasonofhisinnocence，hisbrothersinarmsmadehislifeaburdentohimandembitteredhisnaturallysweetdisposition。Nooneexcept“VeryYoung“Gayerson，andhenevertoldhisviews，knewhowold“VeryYoung“GayersonbelievedtheVenusAnnodominitobe。Perhapshethoughtherfiveandtwenty，orperhapsshetoldhimthatshewasthisage。“VeryYoung“
GayersonwouldhavefordedtheGuggerinfloodtocarryherlightestword，andhadimplicitfaithinher。Everyonelikedhim，andeveryonewassorrywhentheysawhimsoboundaslaveoftheVenusAnnodomini。Everyone，too，admittedthatitwasnotherfault；fortheVenusAnnodominidifferedfromMrs。HauksbeeandMrs。Reiverinthisparticular——shenevermovedafingertoattractanyone；but，likeNinondel'Enclos，allmenwereattractedtoher。OnecouldadmireandrespectMrs。Hauksbee，despiseandavoidMrs。Reiver，butonewasforcedtoadoretheVenusAnnodomini。
“VeryYoung“Gayerson'spapaheldaDivisionoraCollectorateorsomethingadministrativeinaparticularlyunpleasantpartofBengal——fullofBabuswhoeditednewspapersprovingthat“Young“
Gayersonwasa“Nero“anda“Scylla“anda“Charybdis“；and，inadditiontotheBabus，therewasagooddealofdysenteryandcholeraabroadforninemonthsoftheyear。“Young“Gayerson——hewasaboutfiveandforty——ratherlikedBabus，theyamusedhim，butheobjectstodysentery，andwhenhecouldgetaway，wenttoDarjillingforthemostpart。ThisparticularseasonhefanciedthathewouldcomeuptoSimla，andseehisboy。Theboywasnotaltogetherpleased。HetoldtheVenusAnnodominithathisfatherwascomingup，andsheflushedalittleandsaidthatsheshouldbedelightedtomakehisacquaintance。Thenshelookedlongandthoughtfullyat“VeryYoung“Gayerson；becauseshewasvery，verysorryforhim，andhewasavery，verybigidiot。
“Mydaughteriscomingoutinafortnight，Mr。Gayerson，“shesaid。
“YourWHAT?“saidhe。
“Daughter，“saidtheVenusAnnodomini。“She'sbeenoutforayearatHomealready，andIwanthertoseealittleofIndia。Sheisnineteenandaverysensible，nicegirlIbelieve。”
“VeryYoung“Gayerson，whowasashorttwenty-twoyearsold，nearlyfelloutofhischairwithastonishment；forhehadpersistedinbelieving，againstallbelief，intheyouthoftheVenusAnnodomini。
She，withherbacktothecurtainedwindow，watchedtheeffectofhersentencesandsmiled。
“VeryYoung“Gayerson'spapacameuptwelvedayslater，andhadnotbeeninSimlafourandtwentyhours，beforetwomen，oldacquaintancesofhis，hadtoldhimhow“VeryYoung“Gayersonhadbeenconductinghimself。