WhentheSupremeGovernmentisatSimla，thesepapersarepreparedthere，andgoroundtothepeoplewhooughttoseetheminoffice-
　　boxesorbypost。TheprincipleofsecrecywastothatViceroyquiteasimportantasthepractice，andheheldthatabenevolentdespotismlikeOursshouldneverallowevenlittlethings，suchasappointmentsofsubordinateclerks，toleakouttillthepropertime。Hewasalwaysremarkableforhisprinciples。
　　Therewasaveryimportantbatchofpapersinpreparationatthattime。IthadtotravelfromoneendofSimlatotheotherbyhand。
　　Itwasnotputintoanofficialenvelope，butalarge，square，pale-pinkone；thematterbeinginMS。onsoftcrinkleypaper。Itwasaddressedto“TheHeadClerk，etc。，etc。”Now，between“TheHeadClerk，etc。，etc。，“and“Mrs。Hauksbee“andaflourish，isnoverygreatdifferenceiftheaddressbewritteninaverybadhand，asthiswas。Thechaprassiwhotooktheenvelopewasnotmoreofanidiotthanmostchaprassis。Hemerelyforgotwherethismostunofficialcoverwastobedelivered，andsoaskedthefirstEnglishmanhemet，whohappenedtobeamanridingdowntoAnnandaleinagreathurry。TheEnglishmanhardlylooked，said:
　　“HauksbeeSahibkiMem，“andwenton。Sodidthechaprasss，becausethatletterwasthelastinstockandhewantedtogethisworkover。Therewasnobooktosign；hethrusttheletterintoMrs。Hauksbee'sbearer'shandsandwentofftosmokewithafriend。
　　Mrs。Hauksbeewasexpectingsomecut-outpatternthingsinflimsypaperfromafriend。Assoonasshegotthebigsquarepacket，therefore，shesaid，“Oh，theDEARcreature！“andtoreitopenwithapaper-knife，andalltheMS。enclosurestumbledoutonthefloor。
　　Mrs。Hauksbeebeganreading。Ihavesaidthebatchwasratherimportant。Thatisquiteenoughforyoutoknow。Itreferredtosomecorrespondence，twomeasures，aperemptoryordertoanativechiefandtwodozenotherthings。Mrs。Hauksbeegaspedassheread，forthefirstglimpseofthenakedmachineryoftheGreatIndianGovernment，strippedofitscasings，andlacquer，andpaint，andguard-rails，impresseseventhemoststupidman。AndMrs。
　　Hauksbeewasacleverwoman。Shewasalittleafraidatfirst，andfeltasifshehadlaidholdofalightning-flashbythetail，anddidnotquiteknowwhattodowithit。Therewereremarksandinitialsatthesideofthepapers；andsomeoftheremarkswererathermoreseverethanthepapers。Theinitialsbelongedtomenwhoarealldeadorgonenow；buttheyweregreatintheirday。
　　Mrs。Hauksbeereadonandthoughtcalmlyassheread。Thenthevalueofhertrovestruckher，andshecastaboutforthebestmethodofusingit。ThenTarriondroppedin，andtheyreadthroughallthepaperstogether，andTarrion，notknowinghowshehadcomebythem，vowedthatMrs。Hauksbeewasthegreatestwomanonearth。
　　WhichIbelievewastrue，ornearlyso。
　　“Thehonestcourseisalwaysthebest，“saidTarrionafteranhourandahalfofstudyandconversation。“Allthingsconsidered，theIntelligenceBranchisaboutmyform。EitherthatortheForeignOffice。IgotolaysiegetotheHighGodsintheirTemples。”
　　Hedidnotseekalittleman，oralittlebigman，oraweakHeadofastrongDepartment，buthecalledonthebiggestandstrongestmanthattheGovernmentowned，andexplainedthathewantedanappointmentatSimlaonagoodsalary。ThecompoundinsolenceofthisamusedtheStrongMan，and，ashehadnothingtodoforthemoment，helistenedtotheproposalsoftheaudaciousTarrion。
　　“Youhave，Ipresume，somespecialqualifications，besidesthegiftofself-assertion，fortheclaimsyouputforwards?“saidtheStrongMan。“That，Sir，“saidTarrion，“isforyoutojudge。”
　　Thenhebegan，forhehadagoodmemory，quotingafewofthemoreimportantnotesinthepapers——slowlyandonebyoneasamandropschlorodyneintoaglass。Whenhehadreachedtheperemptoryorder——
　　anditWASaperemptoryorder——theStrongManwastroubled。
　　Tarrionwoundup:——“AndIfancythatspecialknowledgeofthiskindisatleastasvaluablefor，letussay，aberthintheForeignOffice，asthefactofbeingthenephewofadistingushedofficer'swife。”ThathittheStrongManhard，forthelastappointmenttotheForeignOfficehadbeenbyblackfavor，andheknewit。“I'llseewhatIcandoforyou，“saidtheStrongMan。“Manythanks，“
　　saidTarrion。Thenheleft，andtheStrongMandepartedtoseehowtheappointmentwastobeblocked……
　　Followedapauseofelevendays；withthundersandlightningsandmuchtelegraphing。Theappointmentwasnotaveryimportantone，carryingonlybetweenRs。500andRs。700amonth；but，astheViceroysaid，itwastheprincipleofdiplomaticsecrecythathadtobemaintained，anditwasmorethanlikelythataboysowellsuppliedwithspecialinformationwouldbeworthtranslating。Sotheytranslatedhim。Theymusthavesuspectedhim，thoughheprotestedthathisinformationwasduetosingulartalentsofhisown。Now，muchofthisstory，includingtheafter-historyofthemissingenvelope，youmustfillinforyourself，becausetherearereasonswhyitcannotbewritten。IfyoudonotknowaboutthingsUpAbove，youwon'tunderstandhowtofillitin，andyouwillsayitisimpossible。
　　WhattheViceroysaidwhenTarrionwasintroducedtohimwas:——“So，thisistheboywho'rusked'theGovernmentofIndia，isit?
　　Recollect，Sir，thatisnotdoneTWICE。”Sohemusthaveknownsomething。
　　WhatTarrionsaidwhenhesawhisappointmentgazettedwas:——“IfMrs。Hauksbeeweretwentyyearsyounger，andIherhusband，I
　　shouldbeViceroyofIndiaintwentyyears。”
　　WhatMrs。Hauksbeesaid，whenTarrionthankedher，almostwithtearsinhiseyes，wasfirst:——“Itoldyouso！“andnext，toherself:——“Whatfoolsmenare！“
　　THECONVERSIONOFAURELIANMcGOGGIN。
　　Ridewithanidlewhip，ridewithanunusedheel。
　　But，onceinaway，therewillcomeadayWhenthecoltmustbetaughttofeelThelashthatfalls，andthecurbthatgalls，andthestingoftherowelledsteel。
　　Life'sHandicap。
　　Thisisnotataleexactly。ItisaTract；andIamimmenselyproudofit。MakingaTractisaFeat。
　　Everymanisentitledtohisownreligiousopinions；butnoman——
　　leastofallajunior——hasarighttothrustthesedownothermen'sthroats。TheGovernmentsendsoutweirdCiviliansnowandagain；
　　butMcGogginwasthequeerestexportedforalongtime。Hewasclever——brilliantlyclever——buthiscleverenessworkedthewrongway。Insteadofkeepingtothestudyofthevernaculars，hehadreadsomebookswrittenbyamancalledComte，Ithink，andamancalledSpencer，andaProfessorClifford。[YouwillfindthesebooksintheLibrary。]Theydealwithpeople'sinsidesfromthepointofviewofmenwhohavenostomachs。Therewasnoorderagainsthisreadingthem；buthisMammashouldhavesmackedhim。
　　Theyfermentedinhishead，andhecameouttoIndiawithararefiedreligionoverandabovehiswork。Itwasnotmuchofacreed。Itonlyprovedthatmenhadnosouls，andtherewasnoGodandnohereafter，andthatyoumustworryalongsomehowforthegoodofHumanity。
　　Oneofitsminortenetsseemedtobethattheonethingmoresinfulthangivinganorderwasobeyingit。Atleast，thatwaswhatMcGogginsaid；butIsuspecthehadmisreadhisprimers。
　　Idonotsayawordagainstthiscreed。ItwasmadeupinTown，wherethereisnothingbutmachineryandasphaltandbuilding——allshutinbythefog。Naturally，amangrowstothinkthatthereisnoonehigherthanhimself，andthattheMetropolitanBoardofWorksmadeeverything。Butinthiscountry，whereyoureallyseehumanity——raw，brown，nakedhumanity——withnothingbetweenitandtheblazingsky，andonlytheused-up，over-handledearthunderfoot，thenotionsomehowdiesaway，andmostfolkcomebacktosimplertheories。Life，inIndia，isnotlongenoughtowasteinprovingthatthereisnooneinparticularattheheadofaffairs。
　　Forthisreason。TheDeputyisabovetheAssistant，theCommissionerabovetheDeputy，theLieutenant-GovernorabovetheCommissioner，andtheViceroyaboveallfour，undertheordersoftheSecretaryofState，whoisresponsibletotheEmpress。IftheEmpressbenotresponsibletoherMaker——ifthereisnoMakerforhertoberesponsibleto——theentiresystemofOuradministrationmustbewrong。Whichismanifestlyimpossible。AtHomemenaretobeexcused。Theyarestalledupagooddealandgetintellectually“beany。”Whenyoutakeagross，'beany“horsetoexercise，heslaversandslobbersoverthebittillyoucan'tseethehorns。
　　Butthebitistherejustthesame。Mendonotget“beany“inIndia。Theclimateandtheworkareagainstplayingbrickswithwords。
　　IfMcGogginhadkepthiscreed，withthecapitallettersandtheendingsin“isms，“tohimself，noonewouldhavecared；buthisgrandfathersonbothsideshadbeenWesleyanpreachers，andthepreachingstraincameoutinhismind。HewantedeveryoneattheClubtoseethattheyhadnosoulstoo，andtohelphimtoeliminatehisCreator。Asagoodmanymentoldhim，HEundoubtedlyhadnosoul，becausehewassoyoung，butitdidnotfollowthathisseniorswereequallyundeveloped；and，whethertherewasanotherworldornot，amanstillwantedtoreadhispapersinthis。“Butthatisnotthepoint——thatisnotthepoint！“Aurelianusedtosay。Thenmenthrewsofa-cushionsathimandtoldhimtogotoanyparticularplacehemightbelievein。Theychristenedhimthe“Blastoderm“——hesaidhecamefromafamilyofthatnamesomewhere，inthepre-historicages——and，byinsultandlaughter，strovetochokehimdumb，forhewasanunmitigatednuisanceattheClub；besidesbeinganoffencetotheoldermen。HisDeputyCommissioner，whowasworkingontheFrontierwhenAurelianwasrollingonabed-quilt，toldhimthat，foracleverboy，Aurelianwasaverybigidiot。And，youknow，ifhehadgoneonwithhiswork，hewouldhavebeencaughtuptotheSecretariatinafewyears。Hewasjustthetypethatgoesthere——allhead，nophysiqueandahundredtheories。NotasoulwasinterestedinMcGoggin'ssoul。Hemighthavehadtwo，ornone，orsomebody'selse's。HisbusinesswastoobeyordersandkeepabreastofhisfilesinsteadofdevastatingtheClubwith“isms。”
　　Heworkedbrilliantly；buthecouldnotacceptanyorderwithouttryingtobetterit。Thatwasthefaultofhiscreed。Itmadementooresponsibleandlefttoomuchtotheirhonor。Youcansometimesrideanoldhorseinahalter；butneveracolt。
　　McGoggintookmoretroubleoverhiscasesthananyofthemenofhisyear。Hemayhavefanciedthatthirty-pagejudgmentsonfifty-
　　rupeecases——bothsidesperjuredtothegullet——advancedthecauseofHumanity。Atanyrate，heworkedtoomuch，andworriedandfrettedovertherebukeshereceived，andlecturedawayonhisridiculouscreedoutofoffice，tilltheDoctorhadtowarnhimthathewasoverdoingit。NomancantoileighteenannasintherupeeinJunewithoutsuffering。ButMcGogginwasstillintellectually“beany“andproudofhimselfandhispowers，andhewouldtakenohint。Heworkedninehoursadaysteadily。
　　“Verywell，“saidthedoctor，“you'llbreakdownbecauseyouareover-enginedforyourbeam。”McGogginwasalittlechap。
　　Oneday，thecollapsecame——asdramaticallyasifithadbeenmeanttoembellishaTract。
　　ItwasjustbeforetheRains。Weweresittingintheverandahinthedead，hot，closeair，gaspingandprayingthattheblack-bluecloudswouldletdownandbringthecool。Very，veryfaraway，therewasafaintwhisper，whichwastheroaroftheRainsbreakingovertheriver。Oneofthemenheardit，gotoutofhischair，listened，andsaid，naturallyenough:——“ThankGod！“
　　ThentheBlastodermturnedinhisplaceandsaid:——“Why?Iassureyouit'sonlytheresultofperfectlynaturalcauses——atmosphericphenomenaofthesimplestkind。Whyyoushould，therefore，returnthankstoaBeingwhoneverdidexist——whoisonlyafigment——“
　　“Blastoderm，“gruntedthemaninthenextchair，“dryup，andthrowmeoverthePioneer。Weknowallaboutyourfigments。”TheBlastodermreachedouttothetable，tookuponepaper，andjumpedasifsomethinghadstunghim。Thenhehandedthepaperover。
　　“AsIwassaying，“hewentonslowlyandwithaneffort——“duetoperfectlynaturalcauses——perfectlynaturalcauses。Imean——“
　　“Hi！Blastoderm，you'vegivenmetheCalcuttaMercantileAdvertiser。”
　　Thedustgotupinlittlewhorls，whilethetreetopsrockedandthekiteswhistled。ButnoonewaslookingatthecomingoftheRains。
　　WewereallstaringattheBlastoderm，whohadrisenfromhischairandwasfightingwithhisspeech。Thenhesaid，stillmoreslowly:——
　　“Perfectlyconceivable——dictionary——redoak——amenable——cause——
　　retaining——shuttlecock——alone。”
　　“Blastoderm'sdrunk，“saidoneman。ButtheBlastodermwasnotdrunk。Helookedatusinadazedsortofway，andbeganmotioningwithhishandsinthehalflightasthecloudsclosedoverhead。
　　Then——withascream:——
　　“Whatisit?——Can't——reserve——attainable——market——obscure——“
　　Buthisspeechseemedtofreezeinhim，and——justasthelightningshottwotonguesthatcutthewholeskyintothreepiecesandtherainfellinquiveringsheets——theBlastodermwasstruckdumb。Hestoodpawingandchampinglikeahard-heldhorse，andhiseyeswerefullofterror。
　　TheDoctorcameoverinthreeminutes，andheardthestory。“It'saphasia，“hesaid。“Takehimtohisroom。IKNEWthesmashwouldcome。”WecarriedtheBlastodermacross，inthepouringrain，tohisquarters，andtheDoctorgavehimbromideofpotassiumtomakehimsleep。
　　ThentheDoctorcamebacktousandtoldusthataphasiawaslikeallthearrearsof“PunjabHead“fallinginalump；andthatonlyoncebefore——inthecaseofasepoy——hadhemetwithsocompleteacase。Imyselfhaveseenmildaphasiainanoverworkedman，butthissuddendumbnesswasuncanny——though，astheBlastodermhimselfmighthavesaid，dueto“perfectlynaturalcauses。”
　　“He'llhavetotakeleaveafterthis，“saidtheDoctor。“Hewon'tbefitforworkforanotherthreemonths。No；itisn'tinsanityoranythinglikeit。It'sonlycompletelossofcontroloverthespeechandmemory。IfancyitwillkeeptheBlastodermquiet，though。”
　　Twodayslater，theBlastodermfoundhistongueagain。Thefirstquestionheaskedwas:“Whatwasit?“TheDoctorenlightenedhim。
　　“ButIcan'tunderstandit！“saidtheBlastoderm；“I'mquitesane；
　　butIcan'tbesureofmymind，itseems——myOWNmemory——canI?“
　　“GoupintotheHillsforthreemonths，anddon'tthinkaboutit，“
　　saidtheDoctor。
　　“ButIcan'tunderstandit，“repeatedtheBlastoderm。“ItwasmyOWNmindandmemory。”
　　“Ican'thelpit，“saidtheDoctor；“thereareagoodmanythingsyoucan'tunderstand；and，bythetimeyouhaveputinmylengthofservice，you'llknowexactlyhowmuchamandarecallhisowninthisworld。”
　　ThestrokecowedtheBlastoderm。Hecouldnotunderstandit。HewentintotheHillsinfearandtrembling，wonderingwhetherhewouldbepermittedtoreachtheendofanysentencehebegan。
　　Thisgavehimawholesomefeelingofmistrust。Thelegitimateexplanation，thathehadbeenoverworkinghimself，failedtosatisfyhim。Somethinghadwipedhislipsofspeech，asamotherwipesthemilkylipsofherchild，andhewasafraid——horriblyafraid。
　　SotheClubhadrestwhenhereturned；andifeveryoucomeacrossAurelianMcGogginlayingdownthelawonthingsHuman——hedoesn'tseemtoknowasmuchasheusedtoaboutthingsDivine——putyourforefingeronyourlipforamoment，andseewhathappens。
　　Don'tblamemeifhethrowsaglassatyourhead！
　　AGERMDESTROYER。
　　PleasantitisfortheLittleTinGods，WhengreatJovenods；
　　ButLittleTinGodsmaketheirlittlemistakesInmissingthehourwhengreatJovewakes。
　　Asageneralrule，itisinexpedienttomeddlewithquestionsofStateinalandwheremenarehighlypaidtoworkthemoutforyou。
　　Thistaleisajustifiableexception。
　　Onceineveryfiveyears，asyouknow，weindentforanewViceroy；
　　andeachViceroyimports，withtherestofhisbaggage，aPrivateSecretary，whomayormaynotbetherealViceroy，justasFateordains。FatelooksaftertheIndianEmpirebecauseitissobigandsohelpless。
　　TherewasaViceroyonce，whobroughtoutwithhimaturbulentPrivateSecretary——ahardmanwithasoftmannerandamorbidpassionforwork。ThisSecretarywascalledWonder——JohnFennilWonder。TheViceroypossessednoname——nothingbutastringofcountiesandtwo-thirdsofthealphabetafterthem。Hesaid，inconfidence，thathewastheelectro-platedfigureheadofagoldenadministration，andhewatchedinadreamy，amusedwayWonder'sattemptstodrawmatterswhichwereentirelyoutsidehisprovinceintohisownhands。“Whenweareallcherubimstogether，“saidHisExcellencyonce，mydear，goodfriendWonderwillheadtheconspiracyforpluckingoutGabriel'stail-feathersorstealingPeter'skeys。THENIshallreporthim。”
　　But，thoughtheViceroydidnothingtocheckWonder'sofficiousness，otherpeoplesaidunpleasantthings。MaybetheMembersofCouncilbeganit；but，finally，allSimlaagreedthattherewas“toomuchWonder，andtoolittleViceroy，“inthatregime。Wonderwasalwaysquoting“HisExcellency。”Itwas“HisExcellencythis，““HisExcellencythat，““IntheopinionofHisExcellency，“andsoon。TheViceroysmiled；buthedidnotheed。
　　Hesaidthat，solongashisoldmensquabbledwithhis“dear，goodWonder，“theymightbeinducedtoleavethe“ImmemorialEast“inpeace。
　　“Nowisemanhasapolicy，“saidtheViceroy。“APolicyistheblackmailleviedontheFoolbytheUnforeseen。Iamnottheformer，andIdonotbelieveinthelatter。”
　　Idonotquiteseewhatthismeans，unlessitreferstoanInsurancePolicy。PerhapsitwastheViceroy'swayofsaying:——
　　“Lielow。”
　　Thatseason，cameuptoSimlaoneofthesecrazypeoplewithonlyasingleidea。Thesearethemenwhomakethingsmove；buttheyarenotnicetotalkto。Thisman'snamewasMellish，andhehadlivedforfifteenyearsonlandofhisown，inLowerBengal，studyingcholera。Heheldthatcholerawasagermthatpropagateditselfasitflewthroughamuggyatmosphere；andstuckinthebranchesoftreeslikeawool-flake。Thegermcouldberenderedsterile，hesaid，by“Mellish'sOwnInvincibleFumigatory“——aheavyviolet-
　　blackpowder——“theresultoffifteenyears'scientificinvestigation，Sir！“
　　Inventorsseemverymuchalikeasacaste。Theytalkloudly，especiallyabout“conspiraciesofmonopolists；“theybeatuponthetablewiththeirfists；andtheysecretefragmentsoftheirinventionsabouttheirpersons。
　　MellishsaidthattherewasaMedical“Ring“atSimla，headedbytheSurgeon-General，whowasinleague，apparently，withalltheHospitalAssistantsintheEmpire。Iforgetexactlyhowheprovedit，butithadsomethingtodowith“skulkinguptotheHills；“andwhatMellishwantedwastheindependentevidenceoftheViceroy——
　　“StewardofourMostGraciousMajestytheQueen，Sir。”SoMellishwentuptoSimla，witheighty-fourpoundsofFumigatoryinhistrunk，tospeaktotheViceroyandtoshowhimthemeritsoftheinvention。
　　ButitiseasiertoseeaViceroythantotalktohim，unlessyouchancetobeasimportantasMellisheofMadras。Hewasasix-
　　thousand-rupeeman，sogreatthathisdaughtersnever“married。”
　　They“contractedalliances。”Hehimselfwasnotpaid。He“receivedemoluments，“andhisjourneysaboutthecountrywere“toursofobservation。”HisbusinesswastostirupthepeopleinMadraswithalongpole——asyoustirupstenchinapond——andthepeoplehadtocomeupoutoftheircomfortableoldwaysandgasp:——
　　“ThisisEnlightenmentandprogress。Isn'titfine！“ThentheygaveMellishestatuesandjasminegarlands，inthehopeofgettingridofhim。
　　MellishecameuptoSimla“toconferwiththeViceroy。”Thatwasoneofhisperquisites。TheViceroyknewnothingofMellisheexceptthathewas“oneofthosemiddle-classdeitieswhoseemnecessarytothespiritualcomfortofthisParadiseoftheMiddle-
　　classes，“andthat，inallprobability，hehad“suggested，designed，founded，andendowedallthepublicinstitutionsinMadras。”WhichprovesthatHisExcellency，thoughdreamy，hadexperienceofthewaysofsix-thousand-rupeemen。
　　Mellishe'snamewasE。MellisheandMellish'swasE。S。Mellish，andtheywerebothstayingatthesamehotel，andtheFatethatlooksaftertheIndianEmpireordainedthatWondershouldblunderanddropthefinal“e；“thattheChaprassishouldhelphim，andthatthenotewhichran:“DearMr。Mellish——Canyousetasideyourotherengagementsandlunchwithusattwoto-morrow?HisExcellencyhasanhouratyourdisposalthen，“shouldbegiventoMellishwiththeFumigatory。Henearlyweptwithprideanddelight，andattheappointedhourcanteredofftoPeterhoff，abigpaper-bagfulloftheFumigatoryinhiscoat-tailpockets。Hehadhischance，andhemeanttomakethemostofit。MellisheofMadrashadbeensoportentouslysolemnabouthis“conference，“thatWonderhadarrangedforaprivatetiffin——noA-D。C。's，noWonder，noonebuttheViceroy，whosaidplaintivelythathefearedbeingleftalonewithunmuzzledautocratslikethegreatMellisheofMadras。
　　ButhisguestdidnotboretheViceroy。Onthecontrary，heamusedhim。MellishwasnervouslyanxioustogostraighttohisFumigatory，andtalkedatrandomuntiltiffinwasoverandHisExcellencyaskedhimtosmoke。TheViceroywaspleasedwithMellishbecausehedidnottalk“shop。”
　　Assoonasthecherootswerelit，Mellishspokelikeaman；
　　beginningwithhischolera-theory，reviewinghisfifteenyears'
　　“scientificlabors，“themachinationsofthe“SimlaRing，“andtheexcellenceofhisFumigatory，whiletheViceroywatchedhimbetweenhalf-shuteyesandthought:“Evidently，thisisthewrongtiger；butitisanoriginalanimal。”Mellish'shairwasstandingonendwithexcitement，andhestammered。Hebegangropinginhiscoat-tailsand，beforetheViceroyknewwhatwasabouttohappen，hehadtippedabagfulofhispowderintothebigsilverash-tray。
　　“J-j-judgeforyourself，Sir，“saidMellish。“Y'Excellencyshalljudgeforyourself！Absolutelyinfallible，onmyhonor。”
　　Heplungedthelightedendofhiscigarintothepowder，whichbegantosmokelikeavolcano，andsendupfat，greasywreathsofcopper-
　　coloredsmoke。Infivesecondstheroomwasfilledwithamostpungentandsickeningstench——areekthattookfierceholdofthetrapofyourwindpipeandshutit。Thepowderthenhissedandfizzed，andsentoutblueandgreensparks，andthesmokerosetillyoucouldneithersee，norbreathe，norgasp。Mellish，however，wasusedtoit。
　　“Nitrateofstrontia，“heshouted；“baryta，bone-meal，etcetera！
　　Thousandcubicfeetsmokepercubicinch。Notagermcouldlive——
　　notagerm，Y'Excellency！“
　　ButHisExcellencyhadfled，andwascoughingatthefootofthestairs，whileallPeterhoffhummedlikeahive。RedLancerscamein，andtheHeadChaprassi，whospeaksEnglish，camein，andmace-
　　bearerscamein，andladiesrandownstairsscreaming“fire；“forthesmokewasdriftingthroughthehouseandoozingoutofthewindows，andbellyingalongtheverandahs，andwreathingandwrithingacrossthegardens。NoonecouldentertheroomwhereMellishwaslecturingonhisFumigatory，tillthatunspeakablepowderhadburneditselfout。
　　ThenanAide-de-Camp，whodesiredtheV。C。，rushedthroughtherollingcloudsandhauledMellishintothehall。TheViceroywasprostratewithlaughter，andcouldonlywagglehishandsfeeblyatMellish，whowasshakingafreshbagfulofpowderathim。
　　“Glorious！Glorious！“sobbedhisExcellency。“Notagerm，asyoujustlyobserve，couldexist！Icanswearit。Amagnificentsuccess！“
　　Thenhelaughedtillthetearscame，andWonder，whohadcaughttherealMellishesnortingontheMall，enteredandwasdeeplyshockedatthescene。ButtheViceroywasdelighted，becausehesawthatWonderwouldpresentlydepart。MellishwiththeFumigatorywasalsopleased，forhefeltthathehadsmashedtheSimlaMedical“Ring。”……
　　FewmencouldtellastorylikeHisExcellencywhenhetookthetrouble，andtheaccountof“mydear，goodWonder'sfriendwiththepowder“wenttheroundofSimla，andflippantfolkmadeWonderunhappybytheirremarks。
　　ButHisExcellencytoldthetaleoncetoooften——forWonder。Ashemeanttodo。ItwasataSeepeePicnic。WonderwassittingjustbehindtheViceroy。
　　“AndIreallythoughtforamoment，“woundupHisExcellency，“thatmydear，goodWonderhadhiredanassassintoclearhiswaytothethrone！“
　　Everyonelaughed；buttherewasadelicatesubtinkleintheViceroy'stonewhichWonderunderstood。Hefoundthathishealthwasgivingway；andtheViceroyallowedhimtogo，andpresentedhimwithaflaming“character“foruseatHomeamongbigpeople。
　　“Myfaultentirely，“saidHisExcellency，inafterseasons，withatwinklinginhiseye。“Myinconsistencymustalwayshavebeendistastefultosuchamasterlyman。”
　　KIDNAPPED。
　　Thereisatideintheaffairsofmen，Which，takenanywayyouplease，isbad，AndstrandstheminforsakengutsandcreeksNodecentsoulwouldthinkofvisiting。
　　Youcannotstopthetide；butnowandthen，YoumayarrestsomerashadventurerWho——h'm——willhardlythankyouforyourpains。
　　Vibart'sMoralities。
　　Weareahigh-casteandenlightenedrace，andinfant-marriageisveryshockingandtheconsequencesaresometimespeculiar；but，nevertheless，theHindunotion——whichistheContinentalnotion——
　　whichistheaboriginalnotion——ofarrangingmarriagesirrespectiveofthepersonalinclinationsofthemarried，issound。Thinkforaminute，andyouwillseethatitmustbeso；unless，ofcourse，youbelievein“affinities。”Inwhichcaseyouhadbetternotreadthistale。Howcanamanwhohasnevermarried；whocannotbetrustedtopickupatsightamoderatelysoundhorse；whoseheadishotandupsetwithvisionsofdomesticfelicity，goaboutthechoosingofawife?Hecannotseestraightorthinkstraightifhetries；andthesamedisadvantagesexistinthecaseofagirl'sfancies。Butwhenmature，marriedanddiscreetpeoplearrangeamatchbetweenaboyandagirl，theydoitsensibly，withaviewtothefuture，andtheyoungcouplelivehappilyeverafterwards。Aseverybodyknows。
　　Properlyspeaking，GovernmentshouldestablishaMatrimonialDepartment，efficientlyofficered，withaJuryofMatrons，aJudgeoftheChiefCourt，aSeniorChaplain，andanAwfulWarning，intheshapeofalove-matchthathasgonewrong，chainedtothetreesinthecourtyard。AllmarriagesshouldbemadethroughtheDepartment，whichmightbesubordinatetotheEducationalDepartment，underthesamepenaltyasthatattachingtothetransferoflandwithoutastampeddocument。ButGovernmentwon'ttakesuggestions。Itpretendsthatitistoobusy。However，Iwillputmynotiononrecord，andexplaintheexamplethatillustratesthetheory。
　　Onceuponatimetherewasagoodyoungman——afirst-classofficerinhisownDepartment——amanwithacareerbeforehimand，possibly，aK。C。G。E。attheendofit。Allhissuperiorsspokewellofhim，becauseheknewhowtoholdhistongueandhispenatthepropertimes。Thereareto-dayonlyelevenmeninIndiawhopossessthissecret；andtheyhaveall，withoneexception，attainedgreathonorandenormousincomes。
　　Thisgoodyoungmanwasquietandself-contained——toooldforhisyearsbyfar。Whichalwayscarriesitsownpunishment。HadaSubaltern，oraTea-Planter'sAssistant，oranybodywhoenjoyslifeandhasnocareforto-morrow，donewhathetriedtodonotasoulwouldhavecared。ButwhenPeythroppe——theestimable，virtuous，economical，quiet，hard-working，youngPeythroppe——fell，therewasaflutterthroughfiveDepartments。
　　Themannerofhisfallwasinthisway。HemetaMissCastries——
　　d'Castriesitwasoriginally，butthefamilydroppedthed'foradministrativereasons——andhefellinlovewithherevenmoreenergeticallythatheworked。UnderstandclearlythattherewasnotabreathofawordtobesaidagainstMissCastries——notashadowofabreath。Shewasgoodandverylovely——possessedwhatinnocentpeopleathomecalla“Spanish“complexion，withthickblue-blackhairgrowinglowdownonherforehead，intoa“widow'speak，“andbigvioleteyesundereyebrowsasblackandasstraightasthebordersofaGazetteExtraordinarywhenabigmandies。But——but——
　　but。Well，shewasaVERYsweetgirlandverypious，butformanyreasonsshewas“impossible。”Quiteso。AllgoodMammasknowwhat“impossible“means。ItwasobviouslyabsurdthatPeythroppeshouldmarryher。Thelittleopal-tintedonyxatthebaseofherfinger-
　　nailssaidthisasplainlyasprint。Further，marriagewithMissCastriesmeantmarriagewithseveralotherCastries——HonoraryLieutenantCastries，herPapa，Mrs。EulalieCastries，herMamma，andalltheramificationsoftheCastriesfamily，onincomesrangingfromRs。175toRs。470amonth，andTHEIRwivesandconnectionsagain。
　　ItwouldhavebeencheaperforPeythroppetohaveassaultedaCommissionerwithadog-whip，ortohaveburnedtherecordsofaDeputyCommissioner'sOffice，thantohavecontractedanalliancewiththeCastries。Itwouldhaveweightedhisafter-careerless——
　　evenunderaGovernmentwhichneverforgetsandNEVERforgives。
　　EverybodysawthisbutPeythroppe。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries，hewas——beingofageanddrawingagoodincome——andwoebetidethehousethatwouldnotafterwardsreceiveMrs。VirginieSaulezPeythroppewiththedeferenceduetoherhusband'srank。
　　ThatwasPeythroppe'sultimatum，andanyremonstrancedrovehimfrantic。
　　Thesesuddenmadnessesmostafflictthesanestmen。Therewasacaseonce——butIwilltellyouofthatlateron。Youcannotaccountforthemania，exceptunderatheorydirectlycontradictingtheoneaboutthePlacewhereinmarriagesaremade。Peythroppewasburninglyanxioustoputamillstoneroundhisneckattheoutsetofhiscareerandargumenthadnottheleasteffectonhim。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries，andthebusinesswashisownbusiness。
　　Hewouldthankyoutokeepyouradvicetoyourself。Withamaninthiscondition，merewordsonlyfixhiminhispurpose。OfcoursehecannotseethatmarriageoutheredoesnotconcerntheindividualbuttheGovernmentheserves。
　　DoyourememberMrs。Hauksbee——themostwonderfulwomaninIndia?
　　ShesavedPlufflesfromMrs。Reiver，wonTarrionhisappointmentintheForeignOffice，andwasdefeatedinopenfieldbyMrs。Cusack-
　　Bremmil。SheheardofthelamentableconditionofPeythroppe，andherbrainstruckouttheplanthatsavedhim。ShehadthewisdomoftheSerpent，thelogicalcoherenceoftheMan，thefearlessnessoftheChild，andthetripleintuitionoftheWoman。Never——no，never——
　　aslongasatongabucketsdowntheSolondip，orthecouplesgoa-
　　ridingatthebackofSummerHill，willtherebesuchageniusasMrs。Hauksbee。SheattendedtheconsultationofThreeMenonPeythroppe'scase；andshestoodupwiththelashofherriding-whipbetweenherlipsandspake……
　　Threeweekslater，PeythroppedinedwiththeThreeMen，andtheGazetteofIndiacamein。Peythroppefoundtohissurprisethathehadbeengazettedamonth'sleave。Don'taskmehowthiswasmanaged。IbelievefirmlythatifMrs。Hauksbeegavetheorder，thewholeGreatIndianAdministrationwouldstandonitshead。
　　TheThreeMenhadalsoamonth'sleaveeach。PeythroppeputtheGazettedownandsaidbadwords。Thentherecamefromthecompoundthesoft“pad-pad“ofcamels——“thieves'camels，“thebikaneerbreedthatdon'tbubbleandhowlwhentheysitdownandgetup。
　　AfterthatIdon'tknowwhathappened。Thismuchiscertain。
　　Peythroppedisappeared——vanishedlikesmoke——andthelongfoot-restchairinthehouseoftheThreeMenwasbrokentosplinters。Alsoabedsteaddepartedfromoneofthebedrooms。
　　Mrs。HauksbeesaidthatMr。PeythroppewasshootinginRajputanawiththeThreeMen；sowewerecompelledtobelieveher。
　　Attheendofthemonth，Peythroppewasgazettedtwentydays'
　　extensionofleave；buttherewaswrathandlamentationinthehouseofCastries。Themarriage-dayhadbeenfixed，butthebridegroomnevercame；andtheD'Silvas，Pereiras，andDuckettsliftedtheirvoicesandmockedHonoraryLieutenantCastriesasonewhohadbeenbaselyimposedupon。Mrs。Hauksbeewenttothewedding，andwasmuchastonishedwhenPeythroppedidnotappear。Aftersevenweeks，PeythroppeandtheThreeMenreturnedfromRajputana。Peythroppewasinhard，toughcondition，ratherwhite，andmoreself-containedthanever。
　　OneoftheThreeMenhadacutonhisnose，causebythekickofagun。Twelve-boreskickrathercuriously。
　　ThencameHonoraryLieutenantCastries，seekingforthebloodofhisperfidiousson-in-lawtobe。Hesaidthings——vulgarand“impossible“thingswhichshowedtherawrough“ranker“belowthe“Honorary，“andIfancyPeythroppe'seyeswereopened。Anyhow，heheldhispeacetilltheend；whenhespokebriefly。HonoraryLieutenantCastriesaskedfora“peg“beforehewentawaytodieorbringasuitforbreachofpromise。
　　MissCastrieswasaverygoodgirl。Shesaidthatshewouldhavenobreachofpromisesuits。Shesaidthat，ifshewasnotalady，shewasrefinedenoughtoknowthatladieskepttheirbrokenheartstothemselves；and，assheruledherparents，nothinghappened。Lateron，shemarriedamostrespectableandgentlemanlyperson。HetravelledforanenterprisingfirminCalcutta，andwasallthatagoodhusbandshouldbe。
　　SoPeythroppecametohisrightmindagain，anddidmuchgoodwork，andwashonoredbyallwhoknewhim。Oneofthesedayshewillmarry；buthewillmarryasweetpink-and-whitemaiden，ontheGovernmentHouseList，withalittlemoneyandsomeinfluentialconnections，aseverywisemanshould。Andhewillnever，allhislife，tellherwhathappenedduringthesevenweeksofhisshooting-
　　tourinRajputana。
　　Butjustthinkhowmuchtroubleandexpense——forcamelhireisnotcheap，andthoseBikaneerbruteshadtobefedlikehumans——mighthavebeensavedbyaproperlyconductedMatrimonialDepartment，underthecontroloftheDirectorGeneralofEducation，butcorrespondingdirectwiththeViceroy。
　　THEARRESTOFLIEUTENANTGOLIGHTLY。
　　“'I'veforgottenthecountersign，'sez'e。
　　'Oh！You'aye，'aveyou?'sezI。
　　'ButI'mtheColonel，'sez'e。
　　'Oh！Youare，areyou?'sezI。'ColonelnornoColonel，youwaits'eretillI'mrelieved，an'theSarjintreportsonyouruglyoldmug。Coop！'sezI……
　　An's'helpmesoul，'twastheColonelafterall！ButIwasarecruitythen。”
　　TheUneditedAutobiographyofPrivateOrtheris。
　　IFtherewasonethingonwhichGolightlypridedhimselfmorethananother，itwaslookinglike“anOfficerandagentleman。”HesaiditwasforthehonoroftheServicethatheattiredhimselfsoelaborately；butthosewhoknewhimbestsaidthatitwasjustpersonalvanity。TherewasnoharmaboutGolightly——notanounce。
　　Herecognizedahorsewhenhesawone，andcoulddomorethanfillacantle。Heplayedaveryfairgameatbilliards，andwasasoundmanatthewhist-table。Everyonelikedhim；andnobodyeverdreamedofseeinghimhandcuffedonastationplatformasadeserter。Butthissadthinghappened。
　　HewasgoingdownfromDalhousie，attheendofhisleave——ridingdown。Hehadcuthisleaveasfineashedared，andwantedtocomedowninahurry。
　　ItwasfairlywarmatDalhousie，andknowingwhattoexpectbelow，hedescendedinanewkhakisuit——tightfitting——ofadelicateolive-green；apeacock-bluetie，whitecollar，andasnowywhitesolahhelmet。Hepridedhimselfonlookingneatevenwhenhewasridingpost。Hedidlookneat，andhewassodeeplyconcernedabouthisappearancebeforehestartedthathequiteforgottotakeanythingbutsomesmallchangewithhim。Heleftallhisnotesatthehotel。Hisservantshadgonedowntheroadbeforehim，tobereadyinwaitingatPathankotewithachangeofgear。Thatwaswhathecalledtravellingin“lightmarching-order。”Hewasproudofhisfacultyoforganization——whatwecallbundobust。
　　Twenty-twomilesoutofDalhousieitbegantorain——notamerehill-
　　shower，butagood，tepidmonsoonishdownpour。Golightlybustledon，wishingthathehadbroughtanumbrella。Thedustontheroadsturnedintomud，andtheponymiredagooddeal。SodidGolightly'skhakigaiters。Buthekeptonsteadilyandtriedtothinkhowpleasantthecoolthwas。
　　Hisnextponywasratherabruteatstarting，andGolightly'shandsbeingslipperywiththerain，contrivedtogetridofGolightlyatacorner。Hechasedtheanimal，caughtit，andwentaheadbriskly。
　　Thespillhadnotimprovedhisclothesorhistemper，andhehadlostonespur。Hekepttheotheroneemployed。Bythetimethatstagewasended，theponyhadhadasmuchexerciseashewanted，and，inspiteoftherain，Golightlywassweatingfreely。Attheendofanothermiserablehalf-hour，Golightlyfoundtheworlddisappearbeforehiseyesinclammypulp。Therainhadturnedthepithofhishugeandsnowysolah-topeeintoanevil-smellingdough，andithadclosedonhisheadlikeahalf-openedmushroom。Alsothegreenliningwasbeginningtorun。
　　Golightlydidnotsayanythingworthrecordinghere。Hetoreoffandsqueezedupasmuchofthebrimaswasinhiseyesandploughedon。Thebackofthehelmetwasflappingonhisneckandthesidesstucktohisears，buttheleatherbandandgreenliningkeptthingsroughlytogether，sothatthehatdidnotactuallymeltawaywhereitflapped。
　　Presently，thepulpandthegreenstuffmadeasortofslimymildewwhichranoverGolightlyinseveraldirections——downhisbackandbosomforchoice。Thekhakicolorrantoo——itwasreallyshockinglybaddye——andsectionsofGolightlywerebrown，andpatcheswereviolet，andcontourswereochre，andstreakswereruddyred，andblotcheswerenearlywhite，accordingtothenatureandpeculiaritiesofthedye。Whenhetookouthishandkerchieftowipehisfaceandthegreenofthehat-liningandthepurplestuffthathadsoakedthroughontohisneckfromthetiebecamethoroughlymixed，theeffectwasamazing。
　　NearDhartherainstoppedandtheeveningsuncameoutanddriedhimupslightly。Itfixedthecolors，too。ThreemilesfromPathankotethelastponyfelldeadlame，andGolightlywasforcedtowalk。HepushedonintoPathankotetofindhisservants。Hedidnotknowthenthathiskhitmatgarhadstoppedbytheroadsidetogetdrunk，andwouldcomeonthenextdaysayingthathehadsprainedhisankle。WhenhegotintoPathankote，hecouldn'tfindhisservants，hisbootswerestiffandropywithmud，andtherewerelargequantitiesofdirtabouthisbody。Thebluetiehadrunasmuchasthekhaki。Sohetookitoffwiththecollarandthrewitaway。Thenhesaidsomethingaboutservantsgenerallyandtriedtogetapeg。Hepaideightannasforthedrink，andthisrevealedtohimthathehadonlysixannasmoreinhispocket——orintheworldashestoodatthathour。
　　HewenttotheStation-Mastertonegotiateforafirst-classtickettoKhasa，wherehewasstationed。Thebooking-clerksaidsomethingtotheStation-Master，theStation-MastersaidsomethingtotheTelegraphClerk，andthethreelookedathimwithcuriosity。Theyaskedhimtowaitforhalf-an-hour，whiletheytelegraphedtoUmritsarforauthority。Sohewaited，andfourconstablescameandgroupedthemselvespicturesquelyroundhim。Justashewaspreparingtoaskthemtogoaway，theStation-MastersaidthathewouldgivetheSahibatickettoUmritsar，iftheSahibwouldkindlycomeinsidethebooking-office。Golightlysteppedinside，andthenextthingheknewwasthataconstablewasattachedtoeachofhislegsandarms，whiletheStation-Masterwastryingtocramamailbagoverhishead。
　　Therewasaveryfairscuffleallroundthebooking-office，andGolightlyreceivedanastycutoverhiseyethroughfallingagainstatable。Buttheconstablesweretoomuchforhim，andtheyandtheStation-Masterhandcuffedhimsecurely。Assoonasthemail-bagwasslipped，hebeganexpressinghisopinions，andthehead-constablesaid:——“Withoutdoubtthisisthesoldier-Englishmanwerequired。
　　Listentotheabuse！“ThenGolightlyaskedtheStation-Masterwhatthethisandthethattheproceedingsmeant。TheStation-Mastertoldhimhewas“PrivateJohnBinkleofthe——Regiment，5ft。9
　　in。，fairhair，grayeyes，andadissipatedappearance，nomarksonthebody，“whohaddesertedafortnightago。Golightlybeganexplainingatgreatlength；andthemoreheexplainedthelesstheStation-Masterbelievedhim。HesaidthatnoLieutenantcouldlooksucharuffianasdidGolightly，andthathisinstructionsweretosendhiscaptureunderproperescorttoUmritsar。Golightlywasfeelingverydampanduncomfortable，andthelanguageheusedwasnotfitforpublication，eveninanexpurgatedform。ThefourconstablessawhimsafetoUmritsarinan“intermediate“
　　compartment，andhespentthefour-hourjourneyinabusingthemasfluentlyashisknowledgeofthevernacularsallowed。
　　AtUmritsarhewasbundledoutontheplatformintothearmsofaCorporalandtwomenofthe——Regiment。Golightlydrewhimselfupandtriedtocarryoffmattersjauntily。Hedidnotfeeltoojauntyinhandcuffs，withfourconstablesbehindhim，andthebloodfromthecutonhisforeheadstiffeningonhisleftcheek。TheCorporalwasnotjoculareither。Golightlygotasfaras——“Thisisaveryabsurdmistake，mymen，“whentheCorporaltoldhimto“stowhislip“andcomealong。Golightlydidnotwanttocomealong。Hedesiredtostopandexplain。Heexplainedverywellindeed，untiltheCorporalcutinwith:——“YOUaorficer！It'sthelikeo'YOUasbringsdisgraceonthelikesofUS。Bloom-in'fineorficeryouare！
　　Iknowyourregiment。TheRogue'sMarchisthequickstepwhereyoucomefrom。You'reablackshametotheService。”
　　Golightlykepthistemper，andbeganexplainingalloveragainfromthebeginning。Thenhewasmarchedoutoftherainintotherefreshment-roomandtoldnottomakeaqualifiedfoolofhimself。
　　ThemenweregoingtorunhimuptoFortGovindghar。And“runningup“isaperformancealmostasundignifiedastheFrogMarch。
　　Golightlywasnearlyhystericalwithrageandthechillandthemistakeandthehandcuffsandtheheadachethatthecutonhisforeheadhadgivenhim。Hereallylaidhimselfouttoexpresswhatwasinhismind。Whenhehadquitefinishedandhisthroatwasfeelingdry，oneofthemensaid:——“I've'eardafewbeggarsintheclickblind，stiffandcrackonabit；butI'venever'eardanyonetotouchthis'ere'orficer。'“Theywerenotangrywithhim。Theyratheradmiredhim。Theyhadsomebeerattherefreshment-room，andofferedGolightlysometoo，becausehehad“sworewon'erful。”TheyaskedhimtotellthemallabouttheadventuresofPrivateJohnBinklewhilehewaslooseonthecountryside；andthatmadeGolightlywilderthanever。Ifhehadkepthiswitsabouthimhewouldhavekeptquietuntilanofficercame；butheattemptedtorun。
　　NowthebuttofaMartiniinthesmallofyourbackhurtsagreatdeal，androtten，rain-soakedkhakitearseasilywhentwomenarejerkingatyourcollar。
　　Golightlyrosefromthefloorfeelingverysickandgiddy，withhisshirtrippedopenalldownhisbreastandnearlyalldownhisback。
　　Heyieldedtohisluck，andatthatpointthedown-trainfromLahorecameincarryingoneofGolightly'sMajors。
　　ThisistheMajor'sevidenceinfull:——
　　“Therewasthesoundofascuffleinthesecond-classrefreshment-
　　room，soIwentinandsawthemostvillainousloaferthatIeverseteyeson。Hisbootsandbreecheswereplasteredwithmudandbeer-stains。Heworeamuddy-whitedunghillsortofthingonhishead，andithungdowninslipsonhisshoulders，whichwereagooddealscratched。Hewashalfinandhalfoutofashirtasnearlyintwopiecesasitcouldbe，andhewasbeggingtheguardtolookatthenameonthetailofit。Ashehadruckedtheshirtalloverhishead，Icouldn'tatfirstseewhohewas，butIfanciedthathewasamaninthefirststageofD。T。fromthewayhesworewhilehewrestledwithhisrags。Whenheturnedround，andIhadmadeallowanceforalumpasbigasapork-pieoveroneeye，andsomegreenwar-paintontheface，andsomevioletstripesroundtheneck，IsawthatitwasGolightly。Hewasverygladtoseeme，“saidtheMajor，“andhehopedIwouldnottelltheMessaboutit。Ididn't，butyoucanifyoulike，nowthatGolightlyhasgoneHome。”
　　GolightlyspentthegreaterpartofthatsummerintryingtogettheCorporalandthetwosoldierstriedbyCourt-Martialforarrestingan“officerandagentleman。”Theywere，ofcourse，verysorryfortheirerror。Butthetaleleakedintotheregimentalcanteen，andthenceranabouttheProvince。
　　THEHOUSEOFSUDDHOO
　　Astone'sthrowoutoneitherhandFromthatwell-orderedroadwetread，Andalltheworldiswildandstrange；
　　ChurelandghoulandDjinnandspriteShallbearuscompanyto-night，ForwehavereachedtheOldestLandWhereinthePowersofDarknessrange。
　　FromtheDusktotheDawn。
　　ThehouseofSuddhoo，neartheTaksaliGate，istwo-storied，withfourcarvedwindowsofoldbrownwood，andaflatroof。Youmayrecognizeitbyfiveredhand-printsarrangedliketheFiveofDiamondsonthewhitewashbetweentheupperwindows。BhagwanDass，thebunnia，andamanwhosayshegetshislivingbyseal-cutting，liveinthelowerstorywithatroopofwives，servants，friends，andretainers。ThetwoupperroomsusedtobeoccupiedbyJanooandAzizunandalittleblack-and-tanterrierthatwasstolenfromanEnglishman'shouseandgiventoJanoobyasoldier。To-day，onlyJanoolivesintheupperrooms。Suddhoosleepsontheroofgenerally，exceptwhenhesleepsinthestreet。HeusedtogotoPeshawarinthecoldweathertovisithisson，whosellscuriositiesneartheEdwardes'Gate，andthenhesleptunderarealmudroof。
　　Suddhooisagreatfriendofmine，becausehiscousinhadasonwhosecured，thankstomyrecommendation，thepostofhead-messengertoabigfirmintheStation。SuddhoosaysthatGodwillmakemeaLieutenant-Governoroneofthesedays。Idaresayhisprophecywillcometrue。Heisvery，veryold，withwhitehairandnoteethworthshowing，andhehasoutlivedhiswits——outlivednearlyeverythingexcepthisfondnessforhissonatPeshawar。JanooandAzizunareKashmiris，LadiesoftheCity，andtheirswasanancientandmoreorlesshonorableprofession；butAzizunhassincemarriedamedicalstudentfromtheNorth-WestandhassettleddowntoamostrespectablelifesomewherenearBareilly。BhagwanDassisanextortionateandanadulterator。Heisveryrich。Themanwhoissupposedtogethislivingbyseal-cuttingpretendstobeverypoor。
　　ThisletsyouknowasmuchasisnecessaryofthefourprincipaltenantsinthehouseofSuddhoo。ThenthereisMe，ofcourse；butI
　　amonlythechorusthatcomesinattheendtoexplainthings。SoI
　　donotcount。
　　Suddhoowasnotclever。Themanwhopretendedtocutsealswasthecleverestofthemall——BhagwanDassonlyknewhowtolie——exceptJanoo。Shewasalsobeautiful，butthatwasherownaffair。
　　Suddhoo'ssonatPeshawarwasattackedbypleurisy，andoldSuddhoowastroubled。Theseal-cuttermanheardofSuddhoo'sanxietyandmadecapitaloutofit。Hewasabreastofthetimes。HegotafriendinPeshawartotelegraphdailyaccountsoftheson'shealth。
　　Andherethestorybegins。
　　Suddhoo'scousin'ssontoldme，oneevening，thatSuddhoowantedtoseeme；thathewastoooldandfeebletocomepersonally，andthatIshouldbeconferringaneverlastinghonorontheHouseofSuddhooifIwenttohim。Iwent；butIthink，seeinghowwell-offSuddhoowasthen，thathemighthavesentsomethingbetterthananekka，whichjoltedfearfully，tohauloutafutureLieutenant-GovernortotheCityonamuggyAprilevening。Theekkadidnotrunquickly。
　　ItwasfulldarkwhenwepulledupoppositethedoorofRanjitSingh'sTombnearthemaingateoftheFort。HerewasSuddhooandhesaidthat，byreasonofmycondescension，itwasabsolutelycertainthatIshouldbecomeaLieutenant-Governorwhilemyhairwasyetblack。Thenwetalkedabouttheweatherandthestateofmyhealth，andthewheatcrops，forfifteenminutes，intheHuzuriBagh，underthestars。
　　Suddhoocametothepointatlast。HesaidthatJanoohadtoldhimthattherewasanorderoftheSirkaragainstmagic，becauseitwasfearedthatmagicmightonedaykilltheEmpressofIndia。Ididn'tknowanythingaboutthestateofthelaw；butIfanciedthatsomethinginterestingwasgoingtohappen。IsaidthatsofarfrommagicbeingdiscouragedbytheGovernmentitwashighlycommended。
　　ThegreatestofficialsoftheStatepracticeditthemselves。IftheFinancialStatementisn'tmagic，Idon'tknowwhatis。Then，toencouragehimfurther，Isaidthat，iftherewasanyjadooafoot，Ihadnottheleastobjectiontogivingitmycountenanceandsanction，andtoseeingthatitwascleanjadoo——whitemagic，asdistinguishedfromtheuncleanjadoowhichkillsfolk。IttookalongtimebeforeSuddhooadmittedthatthiswasjustwhathehadaskedmetocomefor。Thenhetoldme，injerksandquavers，thatthemanwhosaidhecutsealswasasorcererofthecleanestkind；
　　thateverydayhegaveSuddhoonewsofthesicksoninPeshawarmorequicklythanthelightningcouldfly，andthatthisnewswasalwayscorroboratedbytheletters。Further，thathehadtoldSuddhoohowagreatdangerwasthreateninghisson，whichcouldberemovedbycleanjadoo；and，ofcourse，heavypayment。Ibegantoseehowthelandlay，andtoldSuddhoothatIalsounderstoodalittlejadoointheWesternline，andwouldgotohishousetoseethateverythingwasdonedecentlyandinorder。Wesetofftogether；andonthewaySuddhootoldmehehadpaidtheseal-cutterbetweenonehundredandtwohundredrupeesalready；andthejadooofthatnightwouldcosttwohundredmore。Whichwascheap，hesaid，consideringthegreatnessofhisson'sdanger；butIdonotthinkhemeantit。
　　Thelightswereallcloakedinthefrontofthehousewhenwearrived。Icouldhearawfulnoisesfrombehindtheseal-cutter'sshop-front，asifsomeoneweregroaninghissoulout。Suddhooshookallover，andwhilewegropedourwayupstairstoldmethatthejadoohadbegun。JanooandAzizunmetusatthestair-head，andtoldusthatthejadoo-workwascomingoffintheirrooms，becausetherewasmorespacethere。Janooisaladyofafreethinkingturnofmind。ShewhisperedthatthejadoowasaninventiontogetmoneyoutofSuddhoo，andthattheseal-cutterwouldgotoahotplacewhenhedied。Suddhoowasnearlycryingwithfearandoldage。Hekeptwalkingupanddowntheroominthehalflight，repeatinghisson'snameoverandoveragain，andaskingAzizuniftheseal-cutteroughtnottomakeareductioninthecaseofhisownlandlord。
　　Janoopulledmeovertotheshadowintherecessofthecarvedbow-
　　windows。Theboardswereup，andtheroomswereonlylitbyonetinylamp。TherewasnochanceofmybeingseenifIstayedstill。
　　Presently，thegroansbelowceased，andweheardstepsonthestaircase。Thatwastheseal-cutter。HestoppedoutsidethedoorastheterrierbarkedandAzizunfumbledatthechain，andhetoldSuddhootoblowoutthelamp。Thislefttheplaceinjetdarkness，exceptfortheredglowfromthetwohuqasthatbelongedtoJanooandAzizun。Theseal-cuttercamein，andIheardSuddhoothrowhimselfdownonthefloorandgroan。Azizuncaughtherbreath，andJanoobackedtooneofthebedswithashudder。Therewasaclinkofsomethingmetallic，andthenshotupapaleblue-greenflameneartheground。ThelightwasjustenoughtoshowAzizun，pressedagainstonecorneroftheroomwiththeterrierbetweenherknees；
　　Janoo，withherhandsclasped，leaningforwardasshesatonthebed；Suddhoo，facedown，quivering，andtheseal-cutter。
　　IhopeImayneverseeanothermanlikethatseal-cutter。Hewasstrippedtothewaist，withawreathofwhitejasmineasthickasmywristroundhisforehead，asalmon-coloredloin-clothroundhismiddle，andasteelbangleoneachankle。Thiswasnotawe-
　　inspiring。Itwasthefaceofthemanthatturnedmecold。Itwasblue-grayinthefirstplace。Inthesecond，theeyeswererolledbacktillyoucouldonlyseethewhitesofthem；and，inthethird，thefacewasthefaceofademon——aghoul——anythingyoupleaseexceptofthesleek，oilyoldruffianwhosatintheday-timeoverhisturning-lathedownstairs。Hewaslyingonhisstomach，withhisarmsturnedandcrossedbehindhim，asifhehadbeenthrowndownpinioned。Hisheadandneckweretheonlypartsofhimoffthefloor。Theywerenearlyatrightanglestothebody，liketheheadofacobraatspring。Itwasghastly。Inthecentreoftheroom，onthebareearthfloor，stoodabig，deep，brassbasin，withapaleblue-greenlightfloatinginthecentrelikeanight-light。Roundthatbasinthemanonthefloorwriggledhimselfthreetimes。HowhediditIdonotknow。Icouldseethemusclesripplealonghisspineandfallsmoothagain；butIcouldnotseeanyothermotion。
　　Theheadseemedtheonlythingaliveabouthim，exceptthatslowcurlanduncurlofthelaboringback-muscles。Janoofromthebedwasbreathingseventytotheminute；Azizunheldherhandsbeforehereyes；andoldSuddhoo，fingeringatthedirtthathadgotintohiswhitebeard，wascryingtohimself。Thehorrorofitwasthatthecreeping，crawlythingmadenosound——onlycrawled！And，remember，thislastedfortenminutes，whiletheterrierwhined，andAzizunshuddered，andJanoogasped，andSuddhoocried。
　　Ifeltthehairliftatthebackofmyhead，andmyheartthumplikeathermantidotepaddle。Luckily，theseal-cutterbetrayedhimselfbyhismostimpressivetrickandmademecalmagain。Afterhehadfinishedthatunspeakabletriplecrawl，hestretchedhisheadawayfromthefloorashighashecould，andsentoutajetoffirefromhisnostrils。Now，Iknewhowfire-spoutingisdone——Icandoitmyself——soIfeltatease。Thebusinesswasafraud。Ifhehadonlykepttothatcrawlwithouttryingtoraisetheeffect，goodnessknowswhatImightnothavethought。Boththegirlsshriekedatthejetoffireandtheheaddropped，chindown，onthefloorwithathud；thewholebodylyingthenlikeacorpsewithitsarmstrussed。
　　Therewasapauseoffivefullminutesafterthis，andtheblue-
　　greenflamedieddown。Janoostoopedtosettleoneofheranklets，whileAzizunturnedherfacetothewallandtooktheterrierinherarms。SuddhooputoutanarmmechanicallytoJanoo'shuqa，andshesliditacrossthefloorwithherfoot。Directlyabovethebodyandonthewall，wereacoupleofflamingportraits，instampedpaperframes，oftheQueenandthePrinceofWales。Theylookeddownontheperformance，and，tomythinking，seemedtoheightenthegrotesquenessofitall。
　　Justwhenthesilencewasgettingunendurable，thebodyturnedoverandrolledawayfromthebasintothesideoftheroom，whereitlaystomachup。Therewasafaint“plop“fromthebasin——exactlylikethenoiseafishmakeswhenittakesafly——andthegreenlightinthecentrerevived。
　　Ilookedatthebasin，andsaw，bobbinginthewater，thedried，shrivelled，blackheadofanativebaby——openeyes，openmouthandshavedscalp。Itwasworse，beingsoverysudden，thanthecrawlingexhibition。Wehadnotimetosayanythingbeforeitbegantospeak。
　　ReadPoe'saccountofthevoicethatcamefromthemesmerizeddyingman，andyouwillrealizelessthanone-halfofthehorrorofthathead'svoice。
　　Therewasanintervalofasecondortwobetweeneachword，andasortof“ring，ring，ring，“inthenoteofthevoice，likethetimbreofabell。Itpealedslowly，asiftalkingtoitself，forseveralminutesbeforeIgotridofmycoldsweat。Thentheblessedsolutionstruckme。Ilookedatthebodylyingnearthedoorway，andsaw，justwherethehollowofthethroatjoinsontheshoulders，amusclethathadnothingtodowithanyman'sregularbreathing，twitchingawaysteadily。ThewholethingwasacarefulreproductionoftheEgyptianteraphinthatonereadaboutsometimesandthevoicewasascleverandasappallingapieceofventriloquismasonecouldwishtohear。Allthistimetheheadwas“lip-lip-lapping“againstthesideofthebasin，andspeaking。IttoldSuddhoo，onhisfaceagainwhining，ofhisson'sillnessandofthestateoftheillnessuptotheeveningofthatverynight。Ialwaysshallrespecttheseal-cutterforkeepingsofaithfullytothetimeofthePeshawartelegrams。Itwentontosaythatskilleddoctorswerenightanddaywatchingovertheman'slife；andthathewouldeventuallyrecoverifthefeetothepotentsorcerer，whoseservantwastheheadinthebasin，weredoubled。
　　Herethemistakefromtheartisticpointofviewcamein。ToaskfortwiceyourstipulatedfeeinavoicethatLazarusmighthaveusedwhenherosefromthedead，isabsurd。Janoo，whoisreallyawomanofmasculineintellect，sawthisasquicklyasIdid。Iheardhersay“Aslinahin！Fareib！“scornfullyunderherbreath；andjustasshesaidso，thelightinthebasindiedout，theheadstoppedtalking，andweheardtheroomdoorcreakonitshinges。ThenJanoostruckamatch，litthelamp，andwesawthathead，basin，andseal-
　　cutterweregone。Suddhoowaswringinghishandsandexplainingtoanyonewhocaredtolisten，that，ifhischancesofeternalsalvationdependedonit，hecouldnotraiseanothertwohundredrupees。Azizunwasnearlyinhystericsinthecorner；whileJanoosatdowncomposedlyononeofthebedstodiscusstheprobabilitiesofthewholethingbeingabunao，or“make-up。”
　　IexplainedasmuchasIknewoftheseal-cutter'swayofjadoo；butherargumentwasmuchmoresimple:——“Themagicthatisalwaysdemandinggiftsisnotruemagic，“saidshe。“Mymothertoldmethattheonlypotentlove-spellsarethosewhicharetoldyouforlove。Thisseal-cuttermanisaliarandadevil。Idarenottell，doanything，orgetanythingdone，becauseIamindebttoBhagwanDassthebunniafortwogoldringsandaheavyanklet。Imustgetmyfoodfromhisshop。Theseal-cutteristhefriendofBhagwanDass，andhewouldpoisonmyfood。Afool'sjadoohasbeengoingonfortendays，andhascostSuddhoomanyrupeeseachnight。Theseal-cutterusedblackhensandlemonsandmantrasbefore。Henevershowedusanythinglikethistillto-night。Azizunisafool，andwillbeapurdahnashinsoon。Suddhoohaslosthisstrengthandhiswits。Seenow！IhadhopedtogetfromSuddhoomanyrupeeswhilehelived，andmanymoreafterhisdeath；andbehold，heisspendingeverythingonthatoffspringofadevilandashe-ass，theseal-
　　cutter！“
　　HereIsaid:——“ButwhatinducedSuddhootodragmeintothebusiness?OfcourseIcanspeaktotheseal-cutter，andheshallrefund。Thewholethingischild'stalk——shame——andsenseless。”
　　“SuddhooISanoldchild，“saidJanoo。“Hehaslivedontheroofstheseseventyyearsandisassenselessasamilch-goat。HebroughtyouheretoassurehimselfthathewasnotbreakinganylawoftheSirkar，whosesaltheatemanyyearsago。Heworshipsthedustoffthefeetoftheseal-cutter，andthatcow-devourerhasforbiddenhimtogoandseehisson。WhatdoesSuddhooknowofyourlawsorthelightning-post?Ihavetowatchhismoneygoingdaybydaytothatlyingbeastbelow。”
　　Janoostampedherfootonthefloorandnearlycriedwithvexation；
　　whileSuddhoowaswhimperingunderablanketinthecorner，andAzizunwastryingtoguidethepipe-stemtohisfoolisholdmouth……
　　Nowthecasestandsthus。Unthinkingly，Ihavelaidmyselfopentothechargeofaidingandabettingtheseal-cutterinobtainingmoneyunderfalsepretences，whichisforbiddenbySection420oftheIndianPenalCode。Iamhelplessinthematterforthesereasons，I
　　cannotinformthePolice。Whatwitnesseswouldsupportmystatements?Janoorefusesflatly，AzizunisaveiledwomansomewherenearBareilly——lostinthisbigIndiaofours。Icannotagaintakethelawintomyownhands，andspeaktotheseal-cutter；
　　forcertainamIthat，notonlywouldSuddhoodisbelieveme，butthisstepwouldendinthepoisoningofJanoo，whoisboundhandandfootbyherdebttothebunnia。Suddhooisanolddotard；andwheneverwemeetmumblesmyidioticjokethattheSirkarratherpatronizestheBlackArtthanotherwise。Hissoniswellnow；butSuddhooiscompletelyundertheinfluenceoftheseal-cutter，bywhoseadviceheregulatestheaffairsofhislife。JanoowatchesdailythemoneythatshehopedtowheedleoutofSuddhootakenbytheseal-cutter，andbecomesdailymorefuriousandsullen。
　　Shewillnevertell，becauseshedarenot；but，unlesssomethinghappenstopreventher，Iamafraidthattheseal-cutterwilldieofcholera——thewhitearsenickind——aboutthemiddleofMay。AndthusIshallhavetobeprivytoamurderintheHouseofSuddhoo。
　　HISWEDDEDWIFE。
　　Cry“Murder！“inthemarket-place，andeachWillturnuponhisneighboranxiouseyesThatask:——“Artthoutheman?“WehuntedCain，Somecenturiesago，acrosstheworld，ThatbredthefearourownmisdeedsmaintainTo-day。
　　Vibart'sMoralities。
　　Shakespearesayssomethingaboutworms，oritmaybegiantsorbeetles，turningifyoutreadonthemtooseverely。Thesafestplanisnevertotreadonaworm——notevenonthelastnewsubalternfromHome，withhisbuttonshardlyoutoftheirtissuepaper，andtheredofsappyEnglishbeefinhischeeks。Thisisthestoryofthewormthatturned。Forthesakeofbrevity，wewillcallHenryAugustusRamsayFaizanne，“TheWorm，“althoughhereallywasanexceedinglyprettyboy，withoutahaironhisface，andwithawaistlikeagirl'swhenhecameouttotheSecond“Shikarris“andwasmadeunhappyinseveralways。The“Shikarris“areahigh-casteregiment，andyoumustbeabletodothingswell——playabanjoorridemorethanalittle，orsing，oract——togetonwiththem。
　　TheWormdidnothingexceptfalloffhispony，andknockchipsoutofgate-postswithhistrap。Eventhatbecamemonotonousafteratime。Heobjectedtowhist，cuttheclothatbilliards，sangoutoftune，keptverymuchtohimself，andwrotetohisMammaandsistersatHome。Fourofthesefivethingswereviceswhichthe“Shikarris“
　　objectedtoandsetthemselvestoeradicate。Everyoneknowshowsubalternsare，bybrothersubalterns，softenedandnotpermittedtobeferocious。Itisgoodandwholesome，anddoesnooneanyharm，unlesstempersarelost；andthenthereistrouble。Therewasamanonce——butthatisanotherstory。
　　The“Shikarris“shikarredTheWormverymuch，andheboreeverythingwithoutwinking。Hewassogoodandsoanxioustolearn，andflushedsopink，thathiseducationwascutshort，andhewaslefttohisowndevicesbyeveryoneexcepttheSeniorSubaltern，whocontinuedtomakelifeaburdentoTheWorm。TheSeniorSubalternmeantnoharm；buthischaffwascoarse，andhedidn'tquiteunderstandwheretostop。Hehadbeenwaitingtoolongforhiscompany；andthatalwayssoursaman。Alsohewasinlove，whichmadehimworse。
　　Oneday，afterhehadborrowedTheWorm'strapforaladywhoneverexisted，hadusedithimselfalltheafternoon，hadsentanotetoTheWormpurportingtocomefromthelady，andwastellingtheMessallaboutit，TheWormroseinhisplaceandsaid，inhisquiet，ladylikevoice:“Thatwasaveryprettysell；butI'lllayyouamonth'spaytoamonth'spaywhenyougetyourstep，thatIworkasellonyouthatyou'llrememberfortherestofyourdays，andtheRegimentafteryouwhenyou'redeadorbroke。”TheWormwasn'tangryintheleast，andtherestoftheMessshouted。ThentheSeniorSubalternlookedatTheWormfromthebootsupwards，anddownagain，andsaid，“Done，Baby。”TheWormtooktherestoftheMesstowitnessthatthebethadbeentaken，andretiredintoabookwithasweetsmile。
　　Twomonthspassed，andtheSeniorSubalternstilleducatedTheWorm，whobegantomoveaboutalittlemoreasthehotweathercameon。I
　　havesaidthattheSeniorSubalternwasinlove。ThecuriousthingisthatagirlwasinlovewiththeSeniorSubaltern。ThoughtheColonelsaidawfulthings，andtheMajorssnorted，andmarriedCaptainslookedunutterablewisdom，andthejuniorsscoffed，thosetwowereengaged。
　　TheSeniorSubalternwassopleasedwithgettinghisCompanyandhisacceptanceatthesametimethatheforgottobotherTheWorm。Thegirlwasaprettygirl，andhadmoneyofherown。Shedoesnotcomeintothisstoryatall。
　　Onenight，atthebeginningofthehotweather，alltheMess，exceptTheWorm，whohadgonetohisownroomtowriteHomeletters，weresittingontheplatformoutsidetheMessHouse。TheBandhadfinishedplaying，butnoonewantedtogoin。AndtheCaptains'
　　wivesweretherealso。Thefollyofamaninloveisunlimited。
　　TheSeniorSubalternhadbeenholdingforthonthemeritsofthegirlhewasengagedto，andtheladieswerepurringapproval，whilethemenyawned，whentherewasarustleofskirtsinthedark，andatired，faintvoicelifteditself:
　　“Where'smyhusband?“