"Wehavereadyourbook,"eachbegan——asthoughithadbeenajointfunction。"Andweconsider——"
"Yes,"Iprotested,"Ithink——"
Thatwasasecondarymatter。
"Theydidnotconsider,"saidAltiora,raisinghervoiceandgoingrightoverme,thatIhadallowedsufficientlyfortheinevitabledevelopmentofanofficialadministrativeclassinthemodernstate。"
"Norofitsimportance,"echoedOscar。
That,theyexplainedinasortofchorus,wasthecardinalideaoftheirlives,whattheywereupto,whattheystoodfor。"Wewanttosuggesttoyou,"theysaid——andIfoundthiswasastockopeningoftheirs——"thatfromthemerenecessitiesofconvenienceelectedbodiesMUSTavailthemselvesmoreandmoreoftheservicesofexpertofficials。Wehavethatverymuchinmind。Themorecomplicatedandtechnicalaffairsbecome,thelessconfidencewilltheelectedofficialhaveinhimself。Wewanttosuggestthattheseexpertofficialsmustnecessarilydevelopintoanewclassandaverypowerfulclassinthecommunity。Wewanttoorganisethat。ItmaybeTHEpowerofthefuture。Theywillnecessarilyhavetohaveverymuchofacommontraining。Weconsiderourselvesasamateurunpaidprecursorsofsuchaclass。"……
Thevisiontheydisplayedformyconsiderationastheaimofpublic-
spiritedendeavour,seemedlikeaharder,narrower,morespecialisedversionoftheideaofatrainedanddisciplinedstatethatWillersleyandIhadworkedoutintheAlps。Theywantedthingsmoreorganised,morecorrelatedwithgovernmentandacollectivepurpose,justaswedid,buttheysawitnotintermsofagrowingcollectiveunderstanding,butintermsoffunctionaries,legislativechange,andmethodsofadministration……
Itwasn'tclearatfirsthowwediffered。TheBaileyswereveryanxioustowinmetoco-operation,andIwasquitepreparedatfirsttoidentifytheirdistinctiveexpressionswithphrasesofmyown,andsowecameveryreadilyintoanalliancethatwastolastsomeyears,andbreakatlastverypainfully。Altioramanifestlylikedme,IwassoondiscussingwithhertheperplexityIfoundinplacingmyselfefficientlyintheworld,theproblemofhowtotakeholdofthingsthatoccupiedmythoughts,andshewassketchingoutcareersformyconsideration,verymuchasanarchitectonhisfirstvisitsketcheshouses,considersrequirements,andputsbeforeyouthisexampleandthatofthemoreorlesssimilarthingalreadydone……
4
ItiseasytoseehowmuchincommontherewasbetweentheBaileysandme,andhownaturalitwasthatIshouldbecomeaconstantvisitorattheirhouseandanallyoftheirsinmanyenterprises。
Itisnotnearlysoeasytodefinetheprofoundantagonismofspiritthatalsoheldbetweenus。Therewasadifferenceintexture,adifferenceinquality。HowcanIexpressit?Theshapesofourthoughtswerethesame,butthesubstancequitedifferent。ItwasasiftheyhadmadeinchinaorcastironwhatIhadmadeintransparentlivingmatter。Thecomparisonismanifestlyfrommypointofview。Certainthingsneverseemedtoshowthroughtheirideasthatwerevisible,refractedperhapsanddistorted,butvisiblealwaysthroughmine。
Ithoughtforatimetheessentialdifferencelayinourrelationtobeauty。Withmebeautyisquiteprimaryinlife;Iliketruth,orderandgoodness,whollybecausetheyarebeautifulorleadstraighttobeautifulconsequences。TheBaileyseitherhadn'tgotthatortheydidn'tseeit。Theyseemedattimestopreferthingsharshandugly。Thatpuzzledmeextremely。Theestheticqualityofmanyoftheirproposals,the"manners"oftheirwork,sotospeak,wereattimesasdreadfulas——well,WarOfficebarrackarchitecture。
Acaricaturebyitsexaggeratedstatementswillsometimesservetopointatruthbyantagonisingfalsityandfalsity。Iremembertalkingtoaprominentmuseumofficialinneedofmorepublicfundsfortheworkhehadinhand。ImentionedthepossibilityofenlistingBailey'sinfluence。
"Oh,wedon'twantPhilistineslikethatinfernalBottle-Imprunningus,"hesaidhastily,andwouldhearofnoconcertedactionfortheendhehadinview。"I'drathernothavetheextension。
"Yousee,"hewentontoexplain,"Bailey'swantingintheessentials。"
"Whatessentials?"saidI。
"Oh!he'dbelikeanastyoilyefficientlittlemachineforsomemerelysubordinatenecessityamongallmydelicatestuff。He'ddoallwewantednodoubtinthewayofmoneyandpowers——andhe'ddoitwrongandmesstheplaceforever。Handsallblack,youknow。
He'sjustameans。Justaveryaggressiveandunmanageablemeans。
Thisisn'taplumber'sjob……"
Istucktomyargument。
"Idon'tLIKEhim,"saidtheofficialconclusively,anditseemedtomeatthetimehewasjustblindprejudicespeaking……
IcamenearerthetruthofthematterasIcametorealisethatourphilosophiesdifferedprofoundly。Thatisn'taverycurabledifference,——oncepeoplehavegrownup。TheirswasaphilosophydevoidofFINESSE。TemperamentallytheBaileyswerespecialised,concentrated,accurate,whileIamurgedeitherbysomeInnerforceorsomeentirelyassimilatedinfluenceinmytraining,alwaystoroundoffandshadowmyoutlines。Ihatethemhard。Iwouldsacrificedetailtomodellingalways,andtheBaileys,itseemedtome,lovedaworldasflatandmetallicasSidneyCooper'scows。IftheyhadtheuniverseinhandIknowtheywouldtakedownallthetreesandputupstampedtingreenshadesandsunlightaccumulators。
Altiorathoughttreeshopelesslyirregularandseacliffsagreatmistake……Igotthingsclearerastimewenton。ThoughitwasanHegelianmessofwhichIhadpartakenatCodger'stablebywayofaphilosophicaltraining,mysympathieshavealwaysbeenPragmatist。IbelongalmostbynaturetothatschoolofPragmatismthat,followingthemedievalNominalists,basesitselfuponadenialoftherealityofclasses,andofthevalidityofgenerallaws。TheBaileysclassifiedeverything。Theywere,inthescholasticsense——
whichsooddlycontradictsthemodernuseoftheword—"Realists。"
TheybelievedclasseswereREALandindependentoftheirindividuals。Thisisthecommonhabitofallso-callededucatedpeoplewhohavenometaphysicalaptitudeandnometaphysicaltraining。Itleadsthemtoaprogressivemisunderstandingoftheworld。ItwasafavouritetrickofAltiora'stospeakofeverybodyasa"type";shesawmenassamplesmoving;herdining-roombecameachamberofrepresentatives。Itgaveatremendouslyscientificairtomanyoftheirgeneralisations,using"scientific"initsnineteenth-centuryuncriticalHerbertSpencersense,anairthatonlybegantodisappearwhenyouthoughtthemoveragainintermsofactualityandthepeopleoneknew……
AttheBaileys'onealwaysseemedtobegettingone'shandsontheverystringsthatguidedtheworld。Youheardlegislationprojectedtoaffectthis"type"andthat;statisticsmarchedbyyouwithsinandshameandinjusticeandmiseryreducedtoquitemanageablepercentages,youfoundmenwhoweretoframeoramendbillsingraveandintimateexchangewithBailey'somniscience,youheardAltioracanvassingapproachingresignationsandpossibleappointmentsthatmightmakeormararevolutioninadministrativemethods,anddoingitwithavigorousdirectnessthatmanifestlyswayedthedecision;
andyoufeltyouwereinasortofsignalboxwithleversallaboutyou,andtheworldoutsidethere,albeitalittledarkandmysteriousbeyondthewindow,runningonitslinesinreadyobediencetotheseunhesitatinglights,trueandsteadytotrimtermini。
Andthenwithallthisadministrativefizzle,thispseudo-scientificadministrativechatter,dyingawayinyourhead,outyouwentintothelimitlessgrimychaosofLondonstreetsandsquares,roadsandavenueslinedwithteeminghouses,eachlargerthantheChambersStreethouseandatleastequallyalive,yousawthechaoticclamourofhoardings,thejumbleoftraffic,thecomingandgoingofmysteriousmyriads,youheardtherumbleoftrafficlikethenoiseofatorrent;avagueincessantmurmurofcriesandvoices,wantoncrimesandaccidentsbawledatyoufromtheplacards;imperativeunaccountablefashionsswaggeredtriumphantindazzlingwindowsoftheshops;andyoufoundyourselfswayingbacktotheoppositeconvictionthatthehugeformlessspiritoftheworlditwasthatheldthestringsanddancedthepuppetsontheBaileystage……
UnderthelampsyouwerejostledbypeoplelikemyStaffordshireuncleoutforaspree,yousawshyyouthsconversingwithprostitutes,youpassedyoungloverspairingwithanentiredisregardofthesocialsuitabilityofthe"types"theymightblendorcreate,yousawmenleaningdrunkenagainstlamp-postswhomyouknewforthe"type"thatwillchargewithfixedbayonetsintothefaceofdeath,andyoufoundyourselfunabletoimaginelittleBaileyachievingeitherdrunkennessorthecarelessdefianceofannihilation。YourealisedthatquitealotoftypeswereunderrepresentedinChambersStreet,thatferalandobscureandaltogethermonstrousforcesmustbeatwork,asyetaltogetherunassimilatedbythoseneatadministrativereorganisations。
5
Altiora,Iremember,preludedMargaret'sreappearancebyannouncingherasa"newtype。"
IwasaccustomedtogoearlytotheBaileys'dinnersinthosedays,forapreliminarygossipwithAltiorainfrontofherdrawing-roomfire。Onegotheralone,andthatearlyarrivalwasalittlesignofappreciationshevalued。Shehadeverywoman'sneedoffollowersandservants。
"I'mgoingtosendyoudownto-night,"shesaid,"withaveryinterestingtypeindeed——oneofthenewgenerationofseriousgals。
Middle-classorigin——andquitewelloff。Richinfact。Herstep-
fatherwasasolicitorandsomethingofanENTREPRENEURtowardstheend,Ifancy——intheBlackCountry。Therewasalittlebrotherdied,andshe'slosthermotherquiterecently。Quiteonherown,sotospeak。She'sneverbeenoutintosocietyverymuch,anddoesn'tseemreallyveryanxioustogo……Notexactlyanintellectualperson,youknow,butquiet,andgreatforceofcharacter。CameuptoLondononherownandcametous——someonehadtoldherwewerethesortofpeopletoadviseher——toaskwhattodo。I'msureshe'llinterestyou。"
"WhatCANpeopleofthatsortdo?"Iasked。"Isshecapableofinvestigation?"
Altioracompressedherlipsandshookherhead。Shealwaysdidshakeherheadwhenyouaskedthatofanyone。
"Ofcoursewhatsheoughttodo,"saidAltiora,withhersilkdresspulledbackfromherkneebeforethefire,andwithaliftofhervoicetowardsachuckleatherdaringwayofputtingthings,"istomarryamemberofParliamentandseehedoeshiswork……
Perhapsshewill。It'saveryexceptionalgalwhocandoanythingbyherself——quiteexceptional。Themoreserioustheyare——withoutbeingexceptional——themorewewantthemtomarry。"
Herexpositionwastruncatedbytheentryofthetypeinquestion。
"Well!"criedAltioraturning,andwithahighnoteofwelcome,"HEREyouare!"
Margarethadgainedindignityandprettinessbythelapseoffiveyears,andshewasnowverybeautifullyandrichlyandsimplydressed。Herfairhairhadbeendoneinsomewaythatmadeitseemsofterandmoreabundantthanitwasinmymemory,andagleamofpurplevelvet-setdiamondsshowedamidstitsmistoflittlegoldenandbrownlines。Herdresswasofwhiteandviolet,thelasttraceofmourningforhermother,andconfessedthegraciousdroopofhertallandslenderbody。ShedidnotsuggestStaffordshireatall,andIwaspuzzledforamomenttothinkwhereIhadmether。Hersweetlyshapedmouthwiththeslightobliquityofthelipandthelittlekinkinherbrowwereextraordinarilyfamiliartome。ButshehadeitherbeenpreparedbyAltioraorsherememberedmyname。
"Wemet,"shesaid,"whilemystep-fatherwasalive——atMisterton。
Youcametoseeus";andinstantlyIrecalledthesunshinebetweentheappleblossomandaslenderpalebluegirlishshapeamongthedaffodils,likesomethingthathadsprungfromabulbitself。I
recalledatoncethatIhadfoundherveryinteresting,thoughIdidnotclearlyrememberhowitwasshehadinterestedme。
Otherguestsarrived——itwasoneofAltiora'sboldlyblendedmixturesofpeoplewithideasandpeoplewithinfluenceormoneywhomightperhapsbeexpectedtoresonatetothem。Baileycamedownlatewithanairofhurry,andwasintroducedtoMargaretandsaidabsolutelynothingtoher——therebeingnoinformationeithertoreceiveorimpartandnothingtodo——butstoodsnatchinghisleftcheekuntilIrescuedhimandher,andlefthimfreetocongratulatethenewLadySnapeonherhusband'sK。C。B。
ItookMargaretdown。Weachievednofeatsofmutualexpression,exceptthatitwasabundantlyclearwewerebothverypleasedandinterestedtomeetagain,andthatwehadbothkeptmemoriesofeachother。WemadethatMistertontea-partyandthesubsequentmarriagesofmycousinsandtheworldofBurslemgenerally,matterforquiteanagreeableconversationuntilatlastAltiora,followingherinvariablecustom,calledmebynameimperativelyoutofourduologue。"Mr。Remington,"shesaid,"wewantyouropinion——"inherentirelycharacteristicefforttogetallthethreadsofconversationintoherownhandsfortheclimaxthatalwayswoundupherdinners。Howtheotherwomenusedtohatethoseconcludingraidsofhers!Iforgetmostoftheotherpeopleatthatdinner,norcanIrecallwhatthecrowningrallywasabout。Itdidn'tinanywayjoinontomyimpressionofMargaret。
Inthedrawing-roomofthemattingfloorIrejoinedher,withAltiora'smanifestconnivance,andintheintervalIhadbeenthinkingofourformermeeting。
"DoyoufindLondon,"Iasked,"giveyoumoreopportunityfordoingthingsandlearningthingsthanBurslem?"
Sheshowedatoncesheappreciatedmyallusiontoherformerconfidences。"Iwasverydiscontentedthen,"shesaidandpaused。
"I'vereallyonlybeeninLondonforafewmonths。It'ssodifferent。InBurslem,lifeseemsallbusinessandgetting——withoutanyreason。Onewentonanditdidn'tseemtomeananything。Atleastanythingthatmattered……Londonseemstobesofullofmeanings——allmixeduptogether。"
Sheknittedherbrowsoverherwordsandsmiledappealinglyattheendasifforconsiderationforherinadequateexpression,appealinglyandalmosthumorously。
Ilookedunderstandinglyather。"Wehaveall,"Iagreed,"tocometoLondon。"
"Oneseessomuchdistress,"sheadded,asifshefeltshehadcompletelyomittedsomething,andneededacodicil。
"WhatareyoudoinginLondon?"
"I'mthinkingofstudying。Somesocialquestion。IthoughtperhapsImightgoandstudysocialconditionsasMrs。Baileydid,goperhapsasawork-girlorseetherealityoflivingin,butMrs。
Baileythoughtperhapsitwasn'tquitemywork。"
"Areyoustudying?"
"I'mgoingtoagoodmanylectures,andperhapsIshalltakeuparegularcourseattheWestminsterSchoolofPoliticsandSociology。
ButMrs。Baileydoesn'tseemtobelieveverymuchinthateither。"
Herfaintlywhimsicalsmilereturned。"Iseemratherindefinite,"
sheapologised,"butonedoesnotwanttogetentangledinthingsonecan'tdo。One——onehassomanyadvantages,one'slifeseemstobesuchatrustandsucharesponsibility——"
Shestopped。
"Amangetsdrivenintowork,"Isaid。
"ItmustbesplendidtobeMrs。Bailey,"sherepliedwithaglanceofenviousadmirationacrosstheroom。
"SHEhasnodoubts,anyhow,"Iremarked。
"SheHAD,"saidMargaretwiththeprideofonewhohasreceivedgreatconfidences。
6
"You'vemetbefore?"saidAltiora,adayorsolater。
Iexplainedwhen。
"Youfindherinteresting?"
IsawinaflashthatAltiorameanttomarrymetoMargaret。
Herintentionbecamemuchclearerastheyeardeveloped。Altiorawassystematiceveninmattersthatevadesystem。IwastomarryMargaret,andfreedfromtheneedofmakinganincomeIwastocomeintopolitics——asanexponentofBaileyism。Sheputitdownwiththeotherexcellentandadvantageousthingsthatshouldoccupyhersummerholiday。Itwasherprideandglorytoputthingsdownandplanthemoutindetailbeforehand,andI'mnotquitesurethatshedidnotevenmarkoffthedayuponwhichtheengagementwastobedeclared。Ifshedid,Idisappointedher。Wedidn'tcometoanengagement,inspiteofthebroadesthintsandtheglaringobviousnessofeverything,thatsummer。
EverysummertheBaileyswentoutofLondontosomehousetheyhiredorborrowed,leavingtheirsecretariestoilingbehind,andtheywentonworkinghardinthemorningsandeveningsandtakingexerciseintheopenairintheafternoon。Theycycledassiduouslyandwentforlongwalksatatrot,andraidedandstudiedandincidentallyexplainedthemselvestoanysocial"types"thatlivedintheneighbourhood。Oneinvadedtype,resentfulunderresearch,describedthemwithadreadfulaptnessasDonnaQuixoteandSanchoPanza——andhimselfasaharmlesswindmill,hurtingnooneandsignifyingnothing。Shedidrathertiltatthings。ThisparticularsummertheywereatapleasantfarmhouseinlevelcountrynearPangbourne,belongingtotheHon。WilfridWinchester,andtheyaskedmetocomedowntoroomsintheneighbourhood——AltioratookthemforamonthformeinAugust——andboardwiththemuponextremelyreasonableterms;andwhenIgotthereIfoundMargaretsittinginahammockatAltiora'sfeet。Lotsofpeople,Igathered,werecomingandgoingintheneighbourhood,thePontswereinavillaontheriver,andtheRickhams'houseboatwastomoorforsomedays;buttheseirruptionsdidnotimpedeagreatdealofduologuebetweenMargaretandmyself。
Altiorawasefficientratherthanartisticinhermatch-making。Shesentusoffforlongwalkstogether——Margaretwasafairlygoodwalker——sheexhumedsomedefectivecroquetthingsandincitedustocroquet,notunderstandingthatdetestablegameistheworststimulantforloversintheworld。AndMargaretandIwerealwaysgettingleftabout,andfindingourselvesforoddhalf-hoursinthekitchen-gardenwithnothingtodoexcepttalk,orweweretoldwithawaveofthehandtorunawayandamuseeachother。
Altioraeventriedapicnicincanoes,knowingfromfictionratherthanimaginationorexperiencetheconclusivenatureofsuchexcursions。Butthereshefumbledatthelastmoment,andelectedattheriver'sbrinktoshareacanoewithme。Baileyshowedsomuchzealandsolittleskill——hishatfelloffandhebecamemiraculouslynothingbutpaddle-clutchinghandsandavastwrinkledbrow——thatatlasthehadtobepaddledignominiouslybyMargaret,whileAltiora,afteraphaseofrigiddiscretion,asnearlyaspossibledrownedherself——andmenodoubtintothebargain——withasuddenlateralgestureofthearmtoemphasisethehighnotewithwhichshedismissedtheefficiencyoftheCharityOrganisationSociety。Weshippedaboutaninchofwaterandsatinitfortherestofthetime,aninconvenienceshedisregardedheroically。WehaddifficultiesinlandingOscarfromhisfrailcraftupontheaitofourfeasting,——hedidn'tbalancesidewaysandwasmuchalarmed,andafterwards,asMargarethadapaininherback,Itookhiminmycanoe,lethimhidehisshamewithanineffectualbutnotpositivelyharmfulpaddle,andtowedtheotherbymeansofthejoinedpainters。
StillitwasthefaultoftheinadequateinformationsuppliedinthebooksandnotofAltiorathatthatwasnotthedateofmybetrothal。
IfinditnotalittledifficulttostatewhatkeptmebackfromproposingmarriagetoMargaretthatsummer,andwhaturgedmeforwardatlasttomarryher。Itissomucheasiertorememberone'sresolutionsthantorememberthemoodsandsuggestionsthatproducedthem。
Marryingandgettingmarriedwas,Ithink,aprettysimpleaffairtoAltiora;itwassomethingthathappenedtotheadolescentandunmarriedwhenyouthrewthemtogetherunderthecircumstancesofhealth,warmthandleisure。Ithappenedwiththekindlyandapprovingsmilesofthemoreexperiencedelderswhohadorganisedtheseproximities。Theyoungpeoplemarried,settleddown,childrenensued,andfatherandmotherturnedtheirminds,nowdecentlyandproperlydisillusioned,tootherthings。ThattoAltiorawasthenormalsexuallife,andshebelievedittobethequalityofthegreatbulkofthelifeabouther。
Oneofthegreatbarrierstohumanunderstandingisthewidetemperamentaldifferenceonefindsinthevaluesofthingsrelatingtosex。Itistheissueuponwhichpeoplemostneedtrainingincharityandimaginativesympathy。Herearenouniversalstandardsatall,andindeedfornosinglemannorwomandoesthereseemtobeanyfixedstandard,somuchdotheaccidentsofcircumstancesandone'sphysicalphasesaffectone'sinterpretations。Thereisnothinginthewholerangeofsexualfactthatmaynotseemsupremelybeautifulorhumanlyjollyormagnificentlywickedordisgustingortrivialorutterlyinsignificant,accordingtotheeyethatseesorthemoodthatcolours。Hereissomethingthatmayfilltheskiesandeverywakinghourorbealmostcompletelybanishedfromalife。ItmaybeeverythingonMondayandlessthannothingonSaturday。Andwemakeourlawsandrulesasthoughinthesemattersallmenandwomenwerecommensurableonewithanother,withanequalsteadfastpassionandanequalconstantduty……
Idon'tknowwhatdreamsAltioramayhavehadinherschoolroomdays,Ialwayssuspectedherofsuppressedandforgottenphases,butcertainlyhergeneraleffectnowwasofanentirelypassionlessworldlinessinthesematters。IndeedsofarasIcouldgetather,sheregardedsexualpassionasbeinghardlymorelegitimateinacivilisedpersonthan——letussay——homicidalmania。Shemusthaveforgotten——andBaileytoo。Isuspectsheforgotbeforeshemarriedhim。Idon'tsupposeeitherofthemhadtheslightestintimationofthedimensionssexuallovecantakeinthethoughtsofthegreatmajorityofpeoplewithwhomtheycomeincontact。Theylovedintheirway——anintellectualwayitwasandafondway——butithadnorelationtobeautyandphysicalsensation——exceptthatthereseemedadecreeofexileagainstthesethings。Theygottheirglowinhighmomentsofaltruisticambition——andinmomentsofvividworldlysuccess。Theysatatoppositeendsoftheirdinnertablewithsoandso"captured,"andsoandso,flushedwithamutualapproval。
Theysawpeopleinloveforgetfulanddistraughtaboutthem,andjustputitdowntoforgetfulnessanddistraction。AtanyrateAltioramanifestlyviewedmysituationandMargaret'swithanabnormalandentirelymisleadingsimplicity。Therewasthegirl,rich,withanacceptableclaimtobebeautiful,shininglyvirtuous,quitecapableofpoliticalinterests,andtherewasI,talented,ambitiousandfullofpoliticalandsocialpassion,inneedofjustthemoney,devotionandregularisationMargaretcouldprovide。Wewerebothunmarried——whitesheetsofuninscribedpaper。Wasthereeverasimplersituation?Whatmorecouldwepossiblywant?
ShewasevenalittleoffendedattheinconclusivenessthatdidnotsettlethingsatPangbourne。Iseemedtoher,Isuspect,toreflectuponherjudgmentandgoodintentions。
7
Ididn'tseethingswithAltiora'ssimplicity。
IadmiredMargaretverymuch,IwasfullyawareofallthatsheandImightgiveeachother;indeedsofarasAltiorawentwewerequiteinagreement。ButwhatseemedsolidgroundtoAltioraandtheultimatefootingofheremasculatedworld,wastomejustthesuperficialcoveringofagulf——oh!abyssesofvagueanddim,andyetstupendouslysignificantthings。
Icouldn'tdismisstheinterestsandthepassionofsexasAltioradid。Work,Iagreed,wasimportant;careerandsuccess;butdeepunanalysableinstinctstoldmethispreoccupationwasathingquiteasimportant;dangerous,interfering,destructiveindeed,butnonethelessadominatinginterestinlife。Ihavetoldhowflittinglyanduninviteditcamelikeamothfromtheoutertwilightintomylife,howitgrewinmewithmymanhood,howitfounditswaytospeechandgrewdaring,andledmeatlasttoexperience。AfterthatadventureatLocarnosexandtheinterestsanddesiresofsexneverleftmeforlongatpeace。Iwentonwithmyworkandmycareer,andallthetimeitwaslike——likesomeonetalkingeverandagaininaroomwhileonetriestowrite。
ThereweretimeswhenIcouldhavewishedtheworldaworldallofmen,sogreatlydidthisunassimilatedseriesofmotivesandcuriositieshamperme;andtimeswhenIcouldhavewishedtheworldallofwomen。Iseemedalwaystobeseekingsomethinginwomen,ingirls,andIwasneverclearwhatitwasIwasseeking。Butnever——
evenatmycoarsest——wasImovedbyphysicaldesirealone。WasI
seekinghelpandfellowship?WasIseekingsomeintimacywithbeauty?Itwasathingtooformlesstostate,thatIseemedalwaysdesiringtoattainandneverattaining。Wavesofgrosssensuousnessaroseoutofthispreoccupation,carriedmetoacrisisofgratificationordisappointmentthatwasclearlynottheneededthing;theypassedandleftmymindfreeagainforatimetogetonwiththepermanentpursuitsofmylife。Andthenpresentlythissolicitudewouldhavemeagain,anirrelevanceasitseemed,andyetaconstantlyrecurringdemand。
Idon'twantparticularlytodwelluponthingsthataredisagreeableforotherstoread,butIcannotleavethemoutofmystoryandgettherightproportionsoftheforcesIambalancing。Iwasnoabnormalman,andthatworldoforderwedesiretomakemustbebuiltofsuchstuffasIwasandamandcanbeget。YoucannothaveaworldofBaileys;itwouldendinoneorderlygeneration。
HumanityisbegotteninDesire,livesbyDesire。
"Lovewhichislust,istheLampintheTomb;
Lovewhichislust,istheCallfromtheGloom。"
IechoHenley。
Isupposethelifeofcelibacywhichtheactive,well-fed,well-
exercisedandimaginativelystirredyoungmanoftheeducatedclassesissupposedtoleadfromtheageofnineteenortwenty,whenNaturecertainlymeanthimtomarry,tothirtyormore,whencivilisationpermitshimtodoso,isthemostimpossiblethingintheworld。Wedealherewithfactsthatarekeptsecretandobscure,butIdoubtformyownpartifmorethanonemanoutoffiveinourclasssatisfiesthatidealdemand。TherestareevenasIwas,andHatherleighandEsmeerandallthemenIknew。Idrawnolessonsandoffernopanacea;Ihavetotellthequalityoflife,andthisishowitis。Thisishowitwillremainuntilmenandwomenhavethecouragetofacethefactsoflife。
Iwasnosystematiclibertine,youmustunderstand;thingshappenedtomeanddesiredroveme。AnyyoungmanwouldhaveservedforthatLocarnoadventure,andafterthatwhathadbeenamysticandwonderfulthingpassedrapidlyintoagross,manifestlymisdirectedandcomplicatingone。Icancountameagretaleoffiveillicitlovesinthedaysofmyyouth,toincludethatfirstexperience,andofthemallonlytwoweresustainedrelationships。Besidesthesefive"affairs,"ononeortwooccasionsIdippedsolowastheinkydismalsensualityofthestreets,andmadeoneofthosepairsofcorrelatedfigures,thewomaninhersqualidfinerysailinghomeward,themanmodestlyaloofandbehind,thateverynightintheLondonyearflitbythescoreofthousandsacrossthesightoftheobservant……
Howuglyitistorecall;uglyandshamefulnowwithoutqualification!Yetatthetimetherewassurelysomethingnotaltogetheruglyinit——somethingthathasvanished,somefinethingmortallyailing。
OnesuchoccasionIrecallasifitwereavisiondeepdowninapit,asifithadhappenedinanotherstateofexistencetosomeoneelse。Andyetitisthesortofthingthathashappened,onceortwiceatleast,tohalfthemeninLondonwhohavebeeninapositiontomakeitpossible。Letmetryandgiveyouitspeculiareffect。Manorwoman,yououghttoknowofit。
Figuretoyourselfadingyroom,somewhereinthatnetworkofstreetsthatliesaboutTottenhamCourtRoad,adingybedroomlitbyasolitarycandleandcarpetedwithscrapsandpatches,withcurtainsofcretonneclosingthewindow,andatawdryornamentofpaperinthegrate。Isitonabedbesideaweary-eyed,fair-
haired,sturdyyoungwoman,halfundressed,whoistellingmeinbrokenGermansomethingthatmyknowledgeofGermanisatfirstinadequatetounderstand……
Ithoughtshewasboastingaboutherfamily,andthenslowlythemeaningcametome。ShewasaLettfromnearLibauinCourland,andshewastellingme——justasonetellssomethingtoostrangeforcommentoremotion——howherfatherhadbeenshotandhersisteroutragedandmurderedbeforehereyes。
Itwasasifonehaddippedintosomethingprimordialandstupendousbeneaththesmoothandtrivialsurfacesoflife。TherewasI,youknow,thepromisingyoungdonfromCambridge,whowrotequitebrilliantlyaboutpoliticsandmightpresentlygetintoParliament,withmycollarandtieinmyhand,andacertainsenseofshamefuladventurefadingoutofmymind。
"AchGott!"shesighedbywayofcomment,andmuseddeeplyforamomentbeforesheturnedherfacetome,astosomethingforgottenandremembered,andassumedthehalf-heartedmeretricioussmile。
"Binicheinehubsche?"sheaskedlikeonewhorepeatsalesson。
Iwasmovedtocraveherpardonandcomeaway。
"Binicheinehubsche?"sheaskedalittleanxiously,layingadetaininghanduponme,andevidentlynotunderstandingawordofwhatIwasstrivingtosay。
8
IfinditextraordinarilydifficulttorecallthephasesbywhichI
passedfrommyfirstadmirationofMargaret'searnestnessandunconsciousdaintinesstoanintimateacquaintance。Theearlierencountersstandoutclearandhard,butthentheimpressionsbecomecrowdedandminglenotonlywitheachotherbutwithallthesubsequentdevelopmentsofrelationship,theenormousevolutionsofinterpretationandcomprehensionbetweenhusbandandwife。Dippingintomymemoriesislikedippingintoaragbag,onebringsoutthismemoryorthat,withnointimationofhowtheycameintimeorwhatledtothemandjoinedthemtogether。Andtheyareallmixedupwithsubsequentassociations,withsympathiesanddiscords,habitsofintercourse,surprisesanddisappointmentsanddiscoveredmisunderstandings。IknowonlythatalwaysmyfeelingsforMargaretwerecomplicatelfeelings,wovenofmanyandvariousstrands。
Itisoneofthecuriousneglectedaspectsoflifehowatthesametimeandinrelationtothesamerealitywecanhaveinourmindsstreamsofthoughtatquitedifferentlevels。Wecanbeatthesametimeidealisingapersonandseeingandcriticisingthatpersonquitecoldlyandclearly,andweslipunconsciouslyfromleveltolevelandproduceallsortsofinconsistentacts。InasenseIhadnoillusionsaboutMargaret;inasensemyconceptionofMargaretwasentirelypoeticillusion。Idon'tthinkIwaseverblindtocertaindefectsofhers,andquiteascertainlytheydidn'tseemtomatterintheslightestdegree。Hermindhadacuriouswantofvigour,"flatness"istheonlyword;sheneverseemedtoescapefromherphrase;herwayofthinking,herwayofdoingwasindecisive;
sheremainedinherattitude,itdidnotflowouttoeasy,confirmatoryaction。
Isawthisquiteclearly,andwhenwewalkedandtalkedtogetherI
seemedalwaystryingforanimationinherandneverfindingit。I
wouldstatemyideas。"Iknow,"shewouldsay,"Iknow。"
Italkedaboutmyselfandshelistenedwonderfully,butshemadenoansweringrevelations。Italkedpolitics,andsheremarkedwithherblueeyeswideandearnest:"EveryWORDyousayseemssojust。"
Iadmiredherappearancetremendouslybut——IcanonlyexpressitbysayingIdidn'twanttotouchher。Herfairhairwasalwaysdelectablydone。Itflowedbeautifullyoverherprettysmallears,andshewouldtieitsfaircoilingswithfilletsofblackorbluevelvetthatcarriedprettybucklesofsilverandpaste。Thelight,thefaintdownonherbrowandcheekwasdelightful。AnditwascleartomethatImadeherhappy。
Mysenseofherdeficienciesdidn'tstandinthewayofmyfallingatlastverydeeplyinlovewithher。Herveryshortcomingsseemedtooffermesomething……
Shestoodinmymindforgoodness——andforthingsfromwhichitseemedtomemyholdwasslipping。
Sheseemedtopromiseawayofescapefromthedeepeningoppositioninmebetweenphysicalpassionsandtheconstructivecareer,thecareerofwideaimsandhumanservice,uponwhichIhadembarked。
AllthetimethatIwasseeingherasabeautiful,fragile,ratherineffectivegirl,Iwasalsoseeingherjustasconsciouslyasashiningslenderfigure,aradiantreconciliation,comingintomydarklingdisordersoflustandimpulse。Icouldunderstandclearlythatshewasincapableofthemostnecessarysubtletiesofpoliticalthought,andyetIcouldcontemplateprayingtoherandputtingalltheintricatetroublesofmylifeatherfeet。
BeforethereappearanceofMargaretinmyworldatallanunwonteddisgustwiththeconsequencesandqualityofmypassionshadariseninmymind。AmongotherthingsthatmomentwiththeLettishgirlhauntedmepersistently。Iwouldseemyselfagainandagainsittingamidstthosesluttishsurroundings,collarandtieinhand,whileherheavyGermanwordsgroupedthemselvestoaslowlyapprehendedmeaning。Iwouldfeelagainwithafreshstabofremorse,thatthiswasnotaflashofadventure,thiswasnotseeinglifeinanypermissiblesense,butadipintotragedy,dishonour,hideousdegradation,andthepitilesscrueltyofaworldasyetuncontrolledbyanyorderedwill。
"GoodGod!"Iputittomyself,"thatIshouldfinishtheworkthoseCossackshadbegun!Iwhowantorderandjusticebeforeeverything!
There'snowayoutofit,nodecentexcuse!IfIdidn'tthink,I
oughttohavethought!"……
HowdidIgettoit?"……Iwouldransackthephasesofmydevelopmentfromthefirstshyunveilingofahiddenwondertothelastextremityasamanwillgothroughmuddledaccountbookstofindsomedisorganisingerror……
Iwasalsoinvolvedatthattime——Ifindithardtoplacethesethingsintheexactorderoftheirdatesbecausetheyweresodisconnectedwiththeregularprogressofmyworkandlife——inanintrigue,aclumsy,sensuous,pretentious,artificiallystimulatedintrigue,withaMrs。Larrimer,awomanlivingseparatedfromherhusband。Iwillnotgointoparticularsofthatepisode,norhowwequarrelledandchafedoneanother。Shewasatonceunfaithfulandjealousandfullofwhimsaboutourmeetings;shewascarelessofoursecret,andvulgarisedourrelationshipbyintolerableinterpretations;exceptforsomeglowingmomentsofgratification,exceptfortherecurrentandessentiallyviciousdesirethatdrewusbacktoeachotheragain,webothfrettedatavexatiousandunexpectedlybindingintimacy。Theinterimwasfullofthequalityofworkdelayed,oftimeandenergywasted,ofinsecureprecautionsagainstscandalandexposure。Disappointmentisalmostinherentinillicitlove。Ihad,andperhapsitwaspartofherrecurrentirritationalso,afeelingasthoughonehadfollowedsomethingfineandbeautifulintoanet——intobirdlime!Thesefurtivescuffles,thissneakingintoshabbyhousesofassignation,waswhatwehadmadeoutofthesuggestionofpaganbeauty;thiswastherealityofourvisionofnymphsandsatyrsdancingforthejoyoflifeamidstincessantsunshine。Wehadlaidhandsuponthewonderandgloryofbodilyloveandwastedthem……
Itwasthesenseofwaste,offinelybeautifulpossibilitiesgettingentangledandmarredforeverthatoppressedme。Ihadmissed,I
hadlost。IdidnotturnfromthesethingsafterthefashionoftheBaileys,asoneturnsfromsomethinglowandembarrassing。Ifeltthatthesegreatorganicforceswerestilltobewroughtintoaharmonywithmyconstructivepassion。IfelttoothatIwasnotdoingit。Ihadnotunderstoodtheforcesinthisstrugglenoritsnature,andasIlearntIfailed。Ihadbeenstartedwrong,Ihadgoneonwrong,inaworldthatwasmuddledandconfused,fulloffalsecounselanderraticshamesandtwistedtemptations。Ilearnttoseeitsobyfailuresthatwereperhapsdestroyinganychanceofprofitinmylessons。Moodsofclearkeenindustryalternatedwithmoodsofrelapseandindulgenceandmoodsofdubietyandremorse。I
wasnotgoingonastheBaileysthoughtIwasgoingon。ThereweretimeswhentheblindnessoftheBaileysirritatedmeintensely。
Beneaththeostensiblesuccessofthoseyears,betweentwenty-threeandtwenty-eight,thisrottenness,knowntoscarcelyanyonebutmyself,grewandspread。Mysenseoftheprobabilityofacollapseintensified。Iknewindeednow,evenasWillersleyhadprophesiedfiveyearsbefore,thatIwasentanglingmyselfinsomethingthatmightsmotherallmyusesintheworld。Downthereamongthoseincommunicabledifficulties,Iwaspuzzledandblundering。Iwaslosingmyholduponthings;thechaoticandadventurouselementinlifewasspreadingupwardandgettingthebetterofme,over-
masteringmeandallmywilltoruleandmake……Andthestrength,thedruggingurgencyofthepassion!
Margaretshoneattimesinmyimaginationlikearadiantangelinaworldofmireanddisorder,inaworldofcravings,hotanddullredlikescarsinflamed……
IsupposeitwasbecauseIhadsogreataneedofsuchhelpasherwhitenessproffered,thatIcouldascribeimpossibleperfectionstoher,apowerofintellect,amoralpowerandpatiencetowhichshe,poorfellowmortal,hadindeednoclaim。IfonlyafewofusWERE
angelsandfreedfromthetangleofeffort,howeasylifemightbe!
Iwantedhersobadly,soverybadly,tobewhatIneeded。Iwantedawomantosaveme。IforcedmyselftoseeherasIwishedtoseeher。Hertepiditiesbecameinfinitedelicacies,hermentalvaguenessanatmosphericrealism。TheharshprecisionsoftheBaileysandAltiora'sbluntdirectnessthrewupherfinenessintoreliefandmadeagraceofeveryweakness。
MixedupwiththememoryoftimeswhenItalkedwithMargaretasonetalkspolitelytothosewhoarehopelesslyinferiorinmentalquality,explainingwithafalselucidity,welcomingandencouragingthefeeblestresponse,whenpossiblemouldinganddirecting,aretimeswhenIdidindeed,astheoldphrasegoes,worshipthegroundshetrodon。Iwasequallyhonestandunconsciousofinconsistencyateachextreme。ButinneitherphasecouldIfinditeasytomakelovetoMargaret。ForinthefirstIdidnotwantto,thoughI
talkedabundantlytoherofmarriageandsoforth,andwasalittlepuzzledatmyselffornotgoingontosomepersonalapplication,andinthesecondsheseemedinaccessible,IfeltImustmakeconfessionsandputthingsbeforeherthatwouldbethegrossestoutrageuponthenoblepurityIattributedtoher。
9
IwenttoMargaretatlasttoaskhertomarryme,wroughtuptothemoodofonewhostakeshislifeonacast。Separatedfromher,andwiththeresonanceofaneveningofangryrecriminationswithMrs。
Larrimerechoinginmymind,IdiscoveredmyselftobequitepassionatelyinlovewithMargaret。Lastshredsofdoubtvanished。
IthasalwaysbeenafeatureofourrelationshipthatMargaretabsentmeansmoretomethanMargaretpresent;hermemorydistilsfromitsdrossandpurifiesinme。Allmycriticismsandqualificationsofhervanishedintosomedarkcornerofmymind。
Shewastheladyofmysalvation;Imustwinmywaytoherorperish。
Iwenttoheratlast,forallthatIknewshelovedme,inpassionateself-abasement,whiteanda-tremble。ShewasstayingwiththeRockleysatWoking,forShenaRockleyhadbeenatBennettHallwithherandtheyhadresumedacloseintimacy;andIwentdowntoheronanimpulse,unheralded。Iwaskeptwaitingforsomeminutes,Iremember,inalittleroomuponwhichaconservatoryopened,aconservatoryfullofpotsoflargemauve-edged,whitecyclamensinflower。Andtherewasabiglacquercabinet,aChinesething,Isuppose,ofblackandgoldagainstthered-tonedwall。TothisdaythethoughtofMargaretisinseparablyboundupwiththesightofacyclamen'sback-turnedpetals。
Shecamein,lookingpaleanddroopingrathermorethanusual。I
suddenlyrealisedthatAltiora'shintofadisappointmentleadingtopositiveillnesswassomethingmorethanavindictivecomment。Sheclosedthedoorandcameacrosstomeandtookanddroppedmyhandandstoodstill。"Whatisityouwantwithme?"sheasked。
ThespeechIhadbeenturningoverandoverinmymindonthewayvanishedatthesightofher。
"Iwanttotalktoyou,"Iansweredlamely。
Forsomesecondsneitherofussaidaword。
"Iwanttotellyouthingsaboutmylife,"Ibegan。
Sheansweredwithascarcelyaudible"yes。"
"IalmostaskedyoutomarrymeatPangbourne,"Iplunged。"I
didn't。Ididn'tbecause——becauseyouhadtoomuchtogiveme。"
"Toomuch!"sheechoed,"togiveyou!"Shehadliftedhereyestomyfaceandthecolourwascomingintohercheeks。
"Don'tmisunderstandme,"Isaidhastily。"Iwanttotellyouthings,thingsyoudon'tknow。Don'tanswerme。Iwanttotellyou。"
Shestoodbeforethefireplacewithherultimateanswershiningthroughthequietofherface。"Goon,"shesaid,verysoftly。ItwassopitilesslymanifestshewasresolvedtoidealisethesituationwhateverImightsay。Ibeganwalkingupanddowntheroombetweenthosecyclamensandthecabinet。Therewerelittlegoldfishermenonthecabinetfishingfromlittleislandsthateachhadapagodaandatree,andtherewerealsomeninboatsorsomething,Icouldn'tdeterminewhat,andsomeobscuresub-officeinmymindconcerneditselfwiththatquiteintently。YetIseemtohavebeenstrivingwithallmybeingtogetwordsforthetruthofthings。"Yousee,"Iemerged,"youmakeeverythingpossibletome。
Youcangivemehelpandsympathy,support,understanding。Youknowmypoliticalambitions。YouknowallthatImightdointheworld。
Idosointenselywanttodoconstructivethings,bigthingsperhaps,inthiswildjumble……Onlyyoudon'tknowabitwhatIam。IwanttotellyouwhatIam。I'mcomplex……I'mstreaked。"
Iglancedather,andshewasregardingmewithanexpressionofblissfuldisregardforanymeaningIwasseekingtoconvey。
"Yousee,"Isaid,"I'mabadman。"
Shesoundedanoteofvaliantincredulity。
Everythingseemedtobeslippingawayfromme。Ipushedontotheuglyfactsthatremainedoverfromthewreckofmyinterpretation。
"Whathasheldmeback,"Isaid,"isthethoughtthatyoucouldnotpossiblyunderstandcertainthingsinmylife。Menarenotpureaswomenare。Ihavehadloveaffairs。ImeanIhavehadaffairs。
Passion——desire。Yousee,Ihavehadamistress,Ihavebeenentangled——"
Sheseemedabouttospeak,butIinterrupted。"I'mnottellingyou,"Isaid,"whatImeanttotellyou。Iwantyoutoknowclearlythatthereisanothersidetomylife,adirtyside。DeliberatelyI
say,dirty。Itdidn'tseemsoatfirst——"
Istoppedblankly。"Dirty,"Ithought,wasthemostidioticchoiceofwordstohavemade。
Ihadneverinanytolerablesenseofthewordbeendirty。
"Idriftedintothis——asmendo,"Isaidafteralittlepauseandstoppedagain。
Shewaslookingatmewithherwideblueeyes。
"Didyouimagine,"shebegan,"thatIthoughtyou——thatIexpected——"
"Buthowcanyouknow?"
"Iknow。Idoknow。"
"But——"Ibegan。
"Iknow,"shepersisted,droppinghereyelids。"OfcourseIknow,"
andnothingcouldhaveconvincedmemorecompletelythatshedidnotknow。
"Allmen——"shegeneralised。"Awomandoesnotunderstandthesetemptations。"
Iwasastonishedbeyondmeasureatherwayoftakingmyconfession……
"Ofcourse,"shesaid,hesitatingalittleoveratransparentdifficulty,"itisalloverandpast。"
"It'salloverandpast,"Ianswered。
Therewasalittlepause。
"Idon'twanttoknow,"shesaid。"Noneofthatseemstomatternowintheslightestdegree。"
Shelookedupandsmiledasthoughwehadexchangedsomeacceptablecommonplaces。"Poordear!"shesaid,dismissingeverything,andputoutherarms,anditseemedtomethatIcouldheartheLettishgirlinthebackground——doomedsafetyvalveofpurityinthisintolerableworld——tellingsomethinginindistinguishableGerman——Iknownotwhatnorwhy……
ItookMargaretinmyarmsandkissedher。Hereyeswerewetwithtears。Sheclungtomeandwasnear,Ifelt,tosobbing。
"Ihavelovedyou,"shewhisperedpresently,"Oh!eversincewemetinMisterton——sixyearsandmoreago。"
CHAPTERTHETHIRD
MARGARETINVENICE
1
TherecomesintomymindaconfusedmemoryofconversationswithMargaret;wemusthavehaddozensaltogether,andtheymixinnowforthemostpartinextricablynotonlywithoneanother,butwithlatertalksandwiththingswediscussedatPangbourne。Wehadtheimmensestanticipationsoftheyearsandopportunitiesthatlaybeforeus。Iwasnowverydeeplyinlovewithherindeed。IfeltnotthatIhadcleanedupmylifebutthatshehad。Wecalledeachother"confederate"Iremember,andmadeduringourbriefengagementaseriesofvisitstothevariouslegislativebodiesinLondon,theCountyCouncil,theHouseofCommons,wherewedinedwithVilliers,andtheSt。PancrasVestry,whereweheardShawspeaking。Iwasfullofplansandsowassheofthewayinwhichweweretoliveandwork。WeweretopaybackinpublicservicewhateverexcessofwealthbeyondhismeritsoldSeddon'seconomicadvantagehadwonforhimfromthetoilingpeopleinthepotteries。TheendoftheBoerWarwassorecentthatthatblessedword"efficiency"echoedstillinpeople'smindsandthoughts。LordRoseberryinamemorableorationhadputitintotheheadsofthebigouterpublic,buttheBaileyswithacertainshowofjusticeclaimedtohavesetitgoinginthechannelsthattookittohim——ifasamatteroffactitwastakentohim。Butthenitwastheirhabittomakeclaimsofthatsort。Theycertainlydidtheirsharetokeep"efficient"going。
Altiora'shighestpraisewas"thoroughlyefficient。"Weweretobea"thoroughlyefficient"politicalcoupleofthe"newtype。"SheexplainedustoherselfandOscar,sheexplainedustoourselves,sheexplainedustothepeoplewhocametoherdinnersandafternoonsuntiltheworldwashighlychargedwithexplanationandexpectation,andtheproposalthatIshouldbetheLiberalcandidatefortheKinghamsteadDivisionseemedthemostnaturaldevelopmentintheworld。
Iwasfulloftheidealofhardrestrainedlivingandrelentlessactivity,andthroughoutabeautifulNovemberatVenice,wherechieflywespentourhoneymoon,weturnedoverandoveragainanddiscussedineveryaspectourconceptionofalifetremendouslyfocussedupontheidealofsocialservice。
MostclearlytherestandsoutapictureofourselvestalkinginagondolaonourwaytoTorcella。FarawaybehindusthesmokeofMuranoformsablackstainuponanimmenseshiningprospectofsmoothwater,waterasunruffledandluminousastheskyabove,amirroronwhichrowsofpostsanddistantblackhigh-stemmed,swan-
neckedboatswiththeirminutelyclearswinginggondoliers,floataerially。Remoteandlowbeforeusrisesthelittletowerofourdestination。Ourmenswingtogetherandtheiroarsswirlleisurelythroughthewater,humpbackintherowlocks,splashsharplyandgoswishingbackagain。Margaretliesbackoncushions,withherfaceshadedbyahollandparasol,andIsitupbesideher。
"Yousee,"Isay,andinspiteofMargaret'snoteofperfectacquiescenceIfeelmyselfreasoningagainstanindefinableantagonism,"itissoeasytofallintoaslackwaywithlife。
Theremayseemtobesomethingpriggishinameticulousdiscipline,butotherwiseitissoeasytoslipintoindolenthabits——andtobedistractedfromone'spurpose。Thecountry,theworld,wantsmentoserveitsconstructiveneeds,toworkoutandcarryoutplans。Foramanwhohastomakealivingtheenemyisimmediatenecessity;forpeoplelikeourselvesit's——it'stheconstantsmallopportunityofagreeablethings。"
"Fritteringaway,"shesays,"timeandstrength。"
"ThatiswhatIfeel。It'ssopleasanttopretendoneissimplymodest,itlookssofoolishattimestotakeone'sselftooseriously。We'veGOTtotakeourselvesseriously。"
Sheendorsesmywordswithhereyes。
"IfeelIcandogreatthingswithlife。"
"IKNOWyoucan。"
"Butthat'sonlytobedonebyconcentratingone'slifeupononemainend。Wehavetoplanourdays,tomakeeverythingsubserveourscheme。"
"Ifeel,"sheanswerssoftly,"weoughttogive——everyhour。"
Herfacebecomesdreamy。"IWANTtogiveeveryhour,"sheadds。
2
ThatholidayinVeniceissetinmymemorylikealittleartificiallakeinunevenconfusedcountry,assomethingverybrightandskylike,anddiscontinuouswithallaboutit。Thefadedqualityoftheverysunshineofthatseason,themellowdiscolouredpalacesandplaces,thehuge,time-ripenedpaintingsofdepartedsplendours,thewhispering,nearlynoiselesspassageofhearse-blackgondolas,forthehorriblesteamlaunchhadnotyetruinedVenice,thestilledmagnificencesofthedepopulatedlagoons,theuniversalautumn,mademefeelaltogetherinrecessfromtheteeminguproarsofreality。
Therewasnotadozenpeoplealltold,noAmericansandscarcelyanyEnglish,todineinthebigcavernofadining-room,withitsvistasofseparatetables,itsdistemperedwallsanditsswathedchandeliers。Wewentaboutseeingbeautifulthings,acceptingbeautyoneveryhand,andtakingitforgrantedthatallwaswellwithourselvesandtheworld。ItwastendaysorafortnightbeforeIbecamefretfulandanxiousforaction;alongtranquillityforsuchatemperamentasmine。
Ourpleasureswerecuriouslyimpersonal,asuccessionofsharedaestheticappreciationthreadsallthattime。Ourhoneymoonwasnoexultantcomingtogether,nomutualshoutof"YOU!"Wewerealmostshywithoneanother,andfeltthereliefofevenapicturetohelpusout。ItwasentirelyinmyconceptionofthingsthatIshouldbeverywatchfulnottoshockordistressMargaretorpressthesensuousnote。Ourlove-makinghadmuchofthetepidsmoothnessofthelagoons。Wetalkedindelicateinnuendoofwhatshouldbegloriousfreedoms。MargarethadmissedVeronaandVeniceinherpreviousItalianjourney——fearofthemosquitohaddrivenhermotheracrossItalytothewestwardroute——andnowshecouldfilluphergapsandseetheTitiansandPaulVeronesesshealreadyknewincolourlessphotographs,theCarpaccios,theSt。Georgeseriesdelightedherbeyondmeasure,theBasaitisandthatgreatstatueofBartolomeoColleonithatRuskinpraised。
ButsinceIamnotamantolookatpicturesandarchitecturaleffectsdayafterday,IdidwatchMargaretverycloselyandstoreathousandmemoriesofher。Icanseehernow,herlongbodydroopingalittleforward,hersweetfaceupraisedtosomediscoveredfamiliarmasterpieceandshiningwithadelicateenthusiasm。Icanhearagainthesoftcadencesofhervoicemurmuringcommonplacecomments,forshehadnogiftofexpressingtheshapelesssatisfactionthesethingsgaveher。
Margaret,Iperceived,wasacultivatedperson,thefirstcultivatedpersonwithwhomIhadevercomeintoclosecontact。Shewascultivatedandmoral,andI,Inowrealise,wasnevereitherofthesethings。Shewaspassive,andIamactive。Shedidnotsimplyandnaturallylookforbeautybutshehadbeenincitedtolookforitatschool,andtookperhapsakeenerinterestinbooksandlecturesandalltheorganisationofbeautifulthingsthanshedidinbeautyitself;shefoundmuchofherdelightinbeingguidedtoit。Nowathingceasestobebeautifultomewhensomefingerpointsmeoutitsmerits。Beautyisthesaltoflife,butItakemybeautyasawildbeastgetsitssalt,asaconstituentofthemeal……
Andbesides,therewasthatbetweenusthatshouldhaveseemedmorebeautifulthananypicture……
SowewentaboutVenicetrackingdownpicturesandspiralstaircasesandsuch-likethings,andmybrainswerebusyallthetimewithsuchthingsasacomparisonofVeniceanditsnearestmodernequivalent,NewYork,withtheelaborationofschemesofactionwhenwereturnedtoLondon,withthedevelopmentofatheoryofMargaret。
Ourmarriagehaddonethismuchatleast,thatithadfusedanddestroyedthosetwoindependentwaysofthinkingaboutherthathadgoneoninmymindhitherto。Suddenlyshehadbecomeveryneartome,andaverybigthing,asortofcomprehensivegeneralisationbehindathousandquestions,liketheskyorEngland。Thejudgmentsandunderstandingsthathadworkedwhenshewas,sotospeak,milesawayfrommylife,hadnowtobealtogetherrevised。Triflingthingsbegantomatterenormously,thatshehadaweakandeasilyfatiguedback,forexample,orthatwhensheknittedherbrowsandstammeredalittleintalking,itdidn'treallymeanthatanexquisitesignificancestruggledforutterance。
Wevisitedpicturesinthemorningschiefly。Intheafternoon,unlessweweremakingaday-longexcursioninagondola,MargaretwouldrestforanhourwhileIprowledaboutinsearchofEnglishnewspapers,andthenwewouldgototeainthePiazzaSanMarcoandwatchthedriftofpeoplefeedingthepigeonsandgoingintothelittledoorsbeneaththesunlitarchesanddomesofSaintMark's。
ThenperhapswewouldstrollonthePiazzetta,orgooutintothesunsetinagondola。Margaretbecameveryinterestedintheshopsthataboundunderthecolonnadesanddecidedatlasttomakeanextensivepurchaseoftableglass。"Thesethings,"shesaid,arequitebeautiful,andfarcheaperthananythingbutthemostordinarylookingEnglishware。"Iwasinterestedinheridea,andagooddealcharmedbythedelightfulqualitiesoftintedshape,slenderhandleandtwistedstem。Isuggestedweshouldgetnotsimplytumblersandwineglassesbutbedroomwaterbottles,fruit-andsweet-
dishes,water-jugs,andintheendwemadequiteabusiness-likeafternoonofit。
Iwasbeginningnowtolongquitedefinitelyforevents。Energywasaccumulatinginme,andworryingmeforanoutlet。IfoundtheTIMESandtheDAILYTELEGRAPHandtheotherpapersImanagedtogetholdof,moreandmorestimulating。InearlywrotetotheformerpaperonedayinanswertoaletterbyLordGrimthorpe——Iforgetnowuponwhatpoint。Ichafedsecretlyagainstthislifeoftranquilappreciationsmoreandmore。IfoundmyattitudesofrestrainedanddelicateaffectionforMargaretincreasinglydifficulttosustain。
Isurprisedmyselfandherbylittlegustsofirritability,gustslikethecatspawsbeforeagale。Iwasalarmedatthesesymptoms。
OnenightwhenMargarethadgoneuptoherroom,Iputonalightovercoat,wentoutintothenightandprowledforalongtimethroughthenarrowstreets,smokingandthinking。Ireturnedandwentandsatontheedgeofherbedtotalktoher。
"Lookhere,Margaret,"Isaid;"thisisallverywell,butI'mrestless。"
"Restless!"shesaidwithafaintsurpriseinhervoice。
"Yes。IthinkIwantexercise。I'vegotasortoffeeling——I'veneverhaditbefore——asthoughIwasgettingfat。"
"Mydear!"shecried。
"Iwanttodothings;——ridehorses,climbmountains,takethedeviloutofmyself。"
Shewatchedmethoughtfully。
"Couldn'tweDOsomething?"shesaid。
Dowhat?
"Idon'tknow。Couldn'tweperhapsgoawayfromheresoon——andwalkinthemountains——onourwayhome。"
Ithought。"Thereseemstobenoexerciseatallinthisplace。"
"Isn'ttheresomewalk?"
"Iwonder,"Ianswered。"WemightwalktoChioggiaperhaps,alongtheLido。"Andwetriedthat,butthelongstretchofbeachfatiguedMargaret'sback,andgaveherblisters,andwenevergotbeyondMalamocco……
Adayorsoafterwewentouttothosepleasantblack-robed,beardedArmeniansintheirmonasteryatSaintLazzaro,andreturnedtowardssundown。Wefellintosilence。"PIULENTO,"saidMargarettothegondolier,andreleasedmyaccumulatedresolution。
"LetusgobacktoLondon,"Isaidabruptly。
Margaretlookedatmewithsurprisedblueeyes。
"Thisisbeautifulbeyondmeasure,youknow,"Isaid,stickingtomypoint,"butIhaveworktodo。"
Shewassilentforsomeseconds。"Ihadforgotten,"shesaid。
"SohadI,"Isympathised,andtookherhand。"SuddenlyIhaveremembered。"
Sheremainedquitestill。"Thereissomuchtobedone,"Isaid,almostapologetically。
Shelookedlongawayfrommeacrossthelagoonandatlastsighed,likeonewhohasdrunkdeeply,andturnedtome。
"Isupposeoneoughtnottobesohappy,"shesaid。"Everythinghasbeensobeautifulandsosimpleandsplendid。Andclean。IthasbeenjustWithYou——thetimeofmylife。It'sapitysuchthingsmustend。Buttheworldiscallingyou,dear……Ioughtnottohaveforgottenit。Ithoughtyouwereresting——andthinking。Butifyouarerested——Wouldyoulikeustostartto-morrow?"
ShelookedatoncesofragileandsodevotedthatonthespurofthemomentIrelented,andwestayedinVenicefourmoredays。
CHAPTERTHEFOURTH
THEHOUSEINWESTMINSTER
1
MargarethadalreadytakenalittlehouseinRadnorSquare,Westminster,beforeourmarriage,ahousethatseemedparticularlyadaptabletoourneedsaspublic-spiritedefficients;ithadbeenverypleasantlypaintedandpaperedunderMargaret'sinstructions,whitepaintandcleanopenpurplesandgreenpredominating,andnowwesettoworkatonceupontheinterestingbusinessofarrangingand——withourVenetianglassasabeginning——furnishingit。Wehadbeenfairlyfortunatewithourweddingpresents,andforthemostpartitwasopentoustochoosejustexactlywhatwewouldhaveandjustpreciselywherewewouldputit。
Margarethadasenseofformandcolouraltogethersuperiortomine,andsoquiteapartfromthefactthatitwashermoneyequippedus,Istoodasidefromallthesemattersandobeyedhersummonstoaconsultationonlytoendorseherjudgmentveryreadily。UntileverythingwassettledIwenteverydaytomyoldroomsinVincentSquareandworkedataseriesofpapersthatwereoriginallyintendedfortheFORTNIGHTLYREVIEW,thepapersthatafterwardsbecamemyfourthbook,"NewAspectsofLiberalism。"
Istillrememberasdelightfulmostofthecircumstancesofgettinginto79,RadnorSquare。ThethinflavourofindecisionaboutMargaretdisappearedaltogetherinashop;shehadtheprecisestideasofwhatshewanted,andthedevicesofthesalesmandidnotswayher。Itwasverypleasanttofindhertakingthingsoutofmyhandswithacertainmasterfulness,andshowingthedistinctestdeterminationtomakeahouseinwhichIshouldbeabletoworkinthatgreatprojectof"doingsomethingfortheworld。"
"AndIdowanttomakethingsprettyaboutus,"shesaid。"Youdon'tthinkitwrongtohavethingspretty?"
"Iwantthemso。"
"Altiorahasthingshard。"
"Altiora,"Ianswered,"takesaprideinstandinguglyanduncomfortablethings。ButIdon'tseethattheyhelpher。Anyhowtheywon'thelpme。"
SoMargaretwenttothebestshopsandgoteverythingverysimpleandverygood。Sheboughtsomepicturesverywellindeed;therewasalittleSussexlandscape,fullofwindandsunshine,byNicholson,formystudy,thathitmytastefarbetterthanifIhadgoneouttogetsomesuchexpressionformyself。
"Wewillbuyapicturejustnowandthen,"shesaid,"sometimes——
whenweseeone。"
IwouldcomebackthroughtheJanuarymireorfogfromVincentSquaretothedoorof79,andreachitatlastwithaquitechildishappreciationofthefactthatitssolidGeorgianproportionsanditsfinebrassfurnishingsbelongedtoMYhome;IwouldusemylatchkeyanddiscoverMargaretinthewarm-lit,spacioushallwithapartiallyopenedpacking-case,fatiguedbuthappy,orgouptohaveteawithheroutoftherightteathings,"comeatlast,"orbetoldtonoticewhatwasfreshthere。Itwasn'tsimplythatIhadneverhadahousebefore,butIhadreallyneverbeen,exceptinthemosttransitoryway,inanyhousethatwasnearlysodelightfulasminepromisedtobe。Everythingwasfreshandbright,andsoftlyandharmoniouslytoned。Downstairswehadagreendining-roomwithgleamingsilver,darkoak,andEnglishcolour-prints;abovewasalargedrawing-roomthatcouldbemadestilllargerbythrowingopenfoldingdoors,anditwasallcarefullydoneingreysandblues,forthemostpartwithrealSheratonsupplementedbySheratonsoskilfullyimitatedbyanexpertMargarethaddiscoveredastobeindistinguishableexcepttoaminutescrutiny。Andforme,abovethisandnexttomybedroom,therewasaroomystudy,withspeciallythickstair-carpetoutsideandthickcarpetsinthebedroomoverheadandabigolddeskformetositatandworkbetweenfireandwindow,andanotherdeskspeciallymadeformebythatexpertifI
chosetostandandwrite,andopenbookshelvesandbookcasesandeverysortofconvenientfitting。Therewereelectricheatersbesidetheopenfire,andeverythingwasputformetomaketeaatanytime——electrickettle,infuser,biscuitsandfreshbutter,sothatIcouldgetupandworkatanyhourofthedayornight。I
coulddonoworkinthisapartmentforalongtime,Iwassointerestedintheperfectionofitsarrangements。AndwhenI
broughtinmybooksandpapersfromVincentSquare,Margaretseizeduponallthereallyshabbyvolumesandhadthemre-boundinafineofficial-lookingleather。
IcanremembersittingdownatthatdeskandlookingroundmeandfeelingwithaqueereffectofsurprisethatafterallevenaplaceintheCabinet,thoughinfinitelyremote,wasneverthelessinthesamelargeworldwiththesefineandquietlyexpensivethings。