2
Buttheprofoundimpossibilityofourrelationwasnowbecomingmoreandmoreapparenttous。Wefoundourselvesseekingjustification,clingingpassionatelytoasituationthatwascoldly,pitilessly,impossibleandfated。Wewantedquiteintenselytolivetogetherandhaveachild,butalsowewantedverymanyotherthingsthatwereincompatiblewiththesedesires。Itwasextraordinarilydifficulttoweighourpoliticalandintellectualambitionsagainstthoseintimatewishes。Theweightskeptalteringaccordingasonefoundoneselfgraspingthisvaluedthingorthat。Itwasn'tasifwecouldthroweverythingasideforourlove,andhavethataswewantedit。Lovesuchasweboreoneanotherisn'taltogether,orevenchiefly,athinginitself——itisforthemostpartavaluesetuponthings。Ourlovewasinterwovenwithallourotherinterests;
togooutoftheworldandliveinisolationseemedtouslikekillingthebestpartsofeachother;welovedthesightofeachotherengagedfinelyandcharacteristically,wekneweachotherbestasactivities。Wehadnodelusionsaboutmaterialfacts;wedidn'twanteachotheraliveordead,wewantedeachotherfullyalive。Wewantedtodobigthingstogether,andforustotakeeachotheropenlyanddesperatelywouldleaveusnothingintheworldtodo。
Wewantedchildrenindeedpassionately,butchildrenwitheveryhelpfulchanceintheworld,andchildrenborninscandalwouldbehandicappedateveryturn。Wewantedtoshareahome,andnotasolitude。
Andwhenwewereatthisstageofrealisation,begantheintimationsthatwewerefoundout,andthatscandalwasafootagainstus……
IheardofitfirstfromEsmeer,whodeliberatelymentionedit,withthatsteadygreyeyeofhiswatchingme,asaninstanceofthepreposterousfalsehoodspeoplewillcirculate。ItcametoIsabelalmostsimultaneouslythroughamarriedcollegefriend,whomadeitherbusinesstodemandeitherconfirmationordenial。Itfilledusbothwithconsternation。InthesurpriseofthemomentIsabeladmittedhersecret,andherfriendwentoff"reservingherfreedomofaction。"
Discoverybrokeoutineverydirection。Friendswithgravefacesandanatmosphereofinfinitetactinvadedusboth。Otherfriendsceasedtoinvadeeitherofus。Itwasmanifestwehadbecome——weknewnothow——aprivatescandal,asubjectforduologues,anamazement,aperplexity,avividinterest。InafewbriefweeksitseemedLondonpassedfromabsoluteunsuspiciousnesstoachatteringexaggerationofitsknowledgeofourrelations。
Itwasjustthemostinappropriatetimeforthatdisclosure。ThelongsmoulderingantagonismtomyendowmentofmotherhoodideashadflaredupintoanactivecampaignintheEXPURGATOR,anditwouldbealtogetherdisastroustousifIshouldbeconvictedofanypersonalirregularity。ItwasjustbecauseofthemanifestandchallengingrespectabilityofmypositionthatIhadbeenabletocarrythethingasfarasIhaddone。Nowsuddenlymyfortuneshadsprungaleak,andscandalwaspouringin……Itchanced,too,thatawaveofmoralintolerancewassweepingthroughLondon,oneofthosewavesinwhichthebitternessoftheconsciouslyjustfindsanallyinthepanicoftheundiscovered。AcertainFatherBlodgetthadbeenpreachingagainstsocialcorruptionwithextraordinaryforce,andhadrousedtheChurchofEnglandpeopletoakindofcompetitionindenunciation。TheoldmethodsoftheAnti-Socialistcampaignhadbeenrenewed,andhadofferedfartoowideascopeandtootemptinganopportunityforprivateanimosity,toberestrictedtotheprivateaffairsoftheSocialists。Ihadintimationsofanextensivecirculationof"privateandconfidential"letters……
Ithinktherecanbenothingelseinlifequiteliketheunnervingrealisationthatrumourandscandalareafootaboutone。Abruptlyone'sconfidenceinthesolidityoftheuniversedisappears。Onewalkssilencedthroughaworldthatonefeelstobefullofinaudibleaccusations。Onecannotchallengetheassault,getitoutintotheopen,separatetruthandfalsehood。Itslinksfromyou,turnsasideitsface。Oldacquaintancessuddenlyevadedme,madeextraordinaryexcuses;menwhohadpresumedonthevergeofmyworldandpesteredmewithanintrusiveenterprise,nowtooktheboldstepofflatrepudiation。Ibecamedoubtfulaboutthereturnofanod,retractedallthosetentaclesofeasycivilitythatIhadhithertospreadtotheworld。IstillgrowwarmwithamazedindignationwhenIrecallthatEdwardCrampton,meetingmefullonthestepsoftheClimaxClub,cutmedead。"ByGod!"Icried,andcamenearcatchinghimbythethroatandwringingoutofhimwhatofallgooddeedsandbad,couldheartenhim,ayoungermanthanIandemptybeyondcomparison,todaretoplaythejudgetome。AndthenIhadanopenslightfromMrs。Millingham,whomIhadcountedonasonecountsuponthesunrise。Ihadnotexpectedthingsofthatsort;theyweredisconcertingbeyondmeasure;itwasasiftheworldweregivingwaybeneathmyfeet,asthoughsomethingfailedintheessentialconfidenceoflife,asthoughahandofweticehadtouchedmyheart。SimilarthingswerehappeningtoIsabel。Yetwewentonworking,visiting,meeting,tryingtoignorethisgatheringofimplacableforcesagainstus。
ForatimeIwasperplexedbeyondmeasuretoaccountforthiscampaign。ThenIgotaclue。ThecentreofdiffusionwastheBaileyhousehold。TheBaileyshadneverforgivenmemyabandonmentoftheyoungLiberalgrouptheyhaddonesomuchtoinspireandorganise;theirdinner-tablehadlongbeenasceneofhostiledepreciationoftheBLUEWEEKLYandallitsallies;weekafterweekAltioraproclaimedthatIwas"doingnothing,"andfoundothercausesforourbye-electiontriumphs;IcountedChambersStreetadangerousplaceforme。Yet,nevertheless,Iwasastonishedtofindthemusingaprivatescandalagainstme。Theydid。IthinkHanditchhadfilledupthemeasureoftheirbitterness,forIhadnotonlyabandonedthem,butIwassucceedingbeyondeventheirpowerofmisrepresentation。AlwaysIhadbeenawaspintheirspider'sweb,difficulttoclaimasatool,uncritical,antagonistic。Iadmiredtheirworkanddevotionenormously,butI
hadneverconcealedmycontemptforacertainchildishvanitytheydisplayed,andforthefrequentpuerilityoftheirpoliticalintrigues。Isupposecontemptgallsmorethaninjuries,andanyhowtheyhadmenow。Theyhadme。Bailey,Ifound,waswarningfathersofgirlsagainstmeasa"recklesslibertine,"andAltiora,flushed,roguish,anddishevelled,wassittingonherfendercurbafterdinner,andpledginglittlepartiesoffiveorsixwomenatatimewithinfinitegustonottoletthemattergofurther。Ourcellwasopentotheworld,andableak,distressfuldaylightstreamingin。
IhadagleamofamoreintimatemotiveinAltiorafromthereportsthatcametome。IsabelhadbeendoingaseriesoffiveorsixarticlesinthePOLITICALREVIEWinsupportofourcampaign,thePOLITICALREVIEWwhichhadhithertobeenloyallyBaileyite。Quiteherbestwritinguptothepresent,atanyrate,isinthosepapers,andnodoubtAltiorahadhadnotonlytoreadherinthoseinvadedcolumns,butlistentoherpraisesinthemouthsofthetactlessinfluential。Altiora,likesomanypeoplewhorelyongestureandvocalinsistenceinconversation,writesapoorandslovenlyproseandhandlesanargumentbadly;IsabelhasherUniversitytrainingbehindherandwrotefromthefirstwiththestarkpowerofaclear-
headedman。"Nowweknow,"saidAltiora,withjustagleamofmaliceshowingthroughherbrightness,"nowweknowwhohelpswiththewriting!"
Sherevealedastonishingknowledge。
ForatimeIcouldn'tforthelifeofmediscoverhersources。I
had,indeed,adesperateintentionofchallengingher,andthenI
bethoughtmeofayoungsternamedCurmain,whohadbeenmysupplementaltypistandsecretaryforatime,andwhomIhadsentontoherbeforethedaysofourbreach。"Ofcourse!"saidI,"Curmain!"Hewasatall,drooping,sidelongyouthwithsandyhair,alittleforwardhead,andalongthinneck。Hestolestamps,and,Isuspected,rifledmyprivateletterdrawer,andIfoundhimonedayonaturnofthestairslookingguiltyandruffledwithaprettyIrishhousemaidofMargaret'smanifestlyinastateofhotindignation。Isawnothing,butIfelteverythingintheairbetweenthem。Ihatethispesteringofservants,butatthesametimeIdidn'twantCurmainwipedoutofexistence,soIhadpackedhimoffwithoutunnecessarydiscussiontoAltiora。Hewasquickandcheapanyhow,andIthoughthergeneralausterityoughttoredeemhimifanythingcould;theChambersStreethousemaidwasn'tforanyman'skissingandshowedit,andthestampsandprivateletterswerelookedafterwithanefficiencyaltogethersurpassingmine。AndAltiora,I'venodoubtleftnowwhatever,pumpedthisyoungundesirableaboutme,andscentingastory,hadhimtodinneraloneoneeveningtogettothebottomofthematter。Shegotquitetothebottomofit,——itmusthavebeenaqueerduologue。ShereadIsabel'scareless,intimateletterstome,sotospeak,bythisproxy,andshewasn'tashamedtousethisinformationintheserviceofthebitternessthathadsprungupinhersinceourpoliticalbreach。Itwasessentiallyapersonalbitterness;ithelpednopublicpurposeoftheirstogetridofme。Mydownfallinanypublicsensewassheerwaste,——thelossofaman。Sheknewshewasbehavingbadly,andso,whenitcametoremonstrance,shebehavedworse。She'dgotnamesanddatesandplaces;theefficiencyofherinformationwasirresistible。Andshesettoworkatitmarvellously。Neverbefore,inallherpursuitofefficientideals,hadAltioraachievedsuchlevelsofefficiency。Iwroteaprotestthatwasperhapsill-advisedandangry,Iwenttoherandtriedtostopher。Shewouldn'tlisten,shewouldn'tthink,shedeniedandlied,shebehavedlikeanaughtychildofsixyearsoldwhichhasmadeupitsmindtobehurtful。Itwasn'tonly,Ithink,thatshecouldn'tbearourpoliticalandsocialinfluence;shealso——I
realisedatthatinterviewcouldn'tbearourloving。Itseemedtoherthesickliestthing,——athingquiteunendurable。Whilesuchthingswere,thevirtuehadgoneoutofherworld。
I'vethevividestmemoryofthatcallofmine。She'djustcomeinandtakenoffherhat,andshewasgreyanddishevelledandtired,andinabusiness-likedressofblackandcrimsonthatdidn'tsuitherandwasmuddyabouttheskirts;she'dacoldinherheadandsniffedpenetratingly,sheavoidedmyeyeasshetalkedandinterruptedeverythingIhadtosay;shekeptstabbingfiercelyatthecushionsofhersofawithalonghat-pinandpretendingshewasoverwhelmedwithgriefattheDEBACLEshewasdeliberatelyorganising。
"Thenpart,"shecried,"part。Ifyoudon'twantasmashingup,——
part!Youtwohavegottobeparted。You'vegotnevertoseeeachotherever,nevertospeak。"Therewasazestinhervoice。"We'renotcirculatingstories,"shedenied。"No!AndCurmainnevertoldusanything——CurmainisanEXCELLENTyoungman;oh!aquiteexcellentyoungman。Youmisjudgedhimaltogether。"……
IwasequallyunsuccessfulwithBailey。IcaughtthelittlewretchintheLeagueClub,andhewriggledandlied。Hewouldn'tsaywherehehadgothisfacts,hewouldn'tadmithehadtoldanyone。WhenI
gavehimthenamesoftwomenwhohadcometomeastonishedandincredulous,heattemptedabsurdlytomakemethinktheyhadtoldHIM。HedidhishorriblelittlebesttosuggestthathonestoldQuackett,whohadjustleftEnglandfortheCape,wastherealscandalmonger。Thatstruckmeasmean,evenforBailey。I'vestilltheoddvividimpressionofhisflutingvoice,excusingtheinexcusable,hisbig,shiftyfaceevadingme,hisperspiration-
beadedforehead,theshruggingshoulders,andthewould-beexculpatorygestures——Houndsditchgestures——ofhisenormousuglyhands。
"Icanassureyou,mydearfellow,"hesaid;"Icanassureyouwe'vedoneeverythingtoshieldyou——everything。"……
3
Isabelcameafterdinneroneeveningandtalkedintheoffice。Shemadeawhite-robed,duskyfigureagainstthedeepbluesofmybigwindow。IsatatmydeskandtoreaquillpentopiecesasI
talked。
"TheBaileysdon'tintendtoletthisdrop,"Isaid。"TheymeanthateveryoneinLondonistoknowaboutit。"
"Iknow。"
"Well!"Isaid。
"Dearheart,"saidIsabel,facingit,"it'snogoodwaitingforthingstoovertakeus;we'reatthepartingoftheways。"
"Whatarewetodo?"
"Theywon'tletusgoon。"
"Damnthem!"
"TheyareORGANISINGscandal。"
"It'snogoodwaitingforthingstoovertakeus,"Iechoed;"theyhaveovertakenus。"Iturnedonher。"Whatdoyouwanttodo?"
"Everything,"shesaid。"Keepyouandhaveourwork。Aren'tweMates?"
"Wecan't。"
"Andwecan't!"
"I'vegottotellMargaret,"Isaid。
"Margaret!"
"Ican'tbeartheideaofanyoneelsegettinginfrontwithit。
I'vebeenwincingaboutMargaretsecretly——"
"Iknow。You'llhavetotellher——andmakeyourpeacewithher。"
Sheleantbackagainstthebookcasesunderthewindow。
"We'vehadsomegoodtimes,Master;"shesaid,withasighinhervoice。
Andthenforalongtimewestaredatoneanotherinsilence。
"Wehaven'tmuchtimeleft,"shesaid。
"Shallwebolt?"Isaid。
"Andleaveallthis?"sheasked,withhereyesgoingroundtheroom。
"Andthat?"AndherheadindicatedWestminster。"No!"
Isaidnomoreofbolting。
"We'vegottoscrewourselvesuptosurrender,"shesaid。
"Something。"
"Alot。"
"Master,"shesaid,"itisn'tallsexandstuffbetweenus?"
"No!"
"Ican'tgiveupthework。Ourwork'smylife。"
Wecameuponanotherlongpause。
"Noonewillbelievewe'veceasedtobelovers——ifwesimplydo,"
shesaid。
"Weshouldn't。"
"We'vegottodosomethingmorepartingthanthat。"
Inodded,andagainwepaused。Shewascomingtosomething。
"IcouldmarryShoesmith,"shesaidabruptly。
"But——"Iobjected。
"Heknows。Itwasn'tfair。Itoldhim。"
"Oh,thatexplains,"Isaid。"There'sbeenakindofsulkiness——
But——youtoldhim?"
Shenodded。"He'sratherbadlyhurt,"shesaid。"He'sbeenagoodfriendtome。He'scuriouslyloyal。Butsomething,somethinghesaidoneday——forcedmetolethimknow……That'sbeenthebeastlinessofallthissecrecy。That'sthebeastlinessofallsecrecy。Youhavetospringsurprisesonpeople。Buthekeepson。
He'ssteadfast。He'dalreadysuspected。Hewantsmeverybadlytomarryhim……"
"Butyoudon'twanttomarryhim?"
"I'mforcedtothinkofit。"
"Butdoeshewanttomarryyouatthat?Takeyouasapresentfromtheworldatlarge?——againstyourwillanddesire?……Idon'tunderstandhim。"
"Hecaresforme。"
"How?"
"Hethinksthisisafearfulmessforme。Hewantstopullitstraight。"
Wesatforatimeinsilence,withimaginationsthatobstinatelyrefusedtotakeuptherealitiesofthisproposition。
"Idon'twantyoutomarryShoesmith,"Isaidatlast。
"Don'tyoulikehim?"
"Notasyourhusband。"
"He'saverycleverandsturdyperson——andverygenerousanddevotedtome。"
"Andme?"
"Youcan'texpectthat。Hethinksyouarewonderful——and,naturally,thatyououghtnottohavestartedthis。"
"I'veacuriousdisliketoanyonethinkingthatbutmyself。I'mquitereadytothinkitmyself。"
"He'dletusbefriends——andmeet。"
"Letusbefriends!"Icried,afteralongpause。"Youandme!"
"Hewantsmetobeengagedsoon。Then,hesays,hecangoroundfightingtheserumours,defendingusboth——andforceaquarrelontheBaileys。"
"Idon'tunderstandhim,"Isaid,andadded,"Idon'tunderstandyou。"
Iwasstaringatherface。Itseemedwhiteandsetinthedimness。
"Doyoureallymeanthis,Isabel?"Iasked。
"Whatelseistheretodo,mydear?——whatelseistheretodoatall?I'vebeenthinkingdayandnight。Youcan'tgoawaywithme。
Youcan'tsmashyourselfsuddenlyinthesightofallmen。I'dratherdiethanthatshouldhappen。Lookwhatyouarebecominginthecountry!Lookatallyou'vebuiltup!——mehelping。Iwouldn'tletyoudoitifyoucould。Iwouldn'tletyou——ifitwereonlyforMargaret'ssake。THIS……closesthescandal,closeseverything。"
"Itclosesallourlifetogether,"Icried。
Shewassilent。
"Itneveroughttohavebegun,"Isaid。
Shewinced。Thenabruptlyshewasonherkneesbeforeme,withherhandsuponmyshoulderandhereyesmeetingmine。
"Mydear,"shesaidveryearnestly,"don'tmisunderstandme!Don'tthinkI'mretreatingfromthethingswe'vedone!OurloveisthebestthingIcouldeverhavehadfromlife。Nothingcaneverequalit;nothingcouldeverequalthebeautyanddelightyouandIhavehadtogether。Never!Youhavelovedme;youdoloveme……
NoonecouldeverknowhowtoloveyouasIhavelovedyou;noonecouldeverlovemeasyouhavelovedme,myking。Andit'sjustbecauseit'sbeensosplendid,dear;it'sjustbecauseI'ddieratherthanhaveatitheofallthiswipedoutofmylifeagain——forit'smademe,it'sallIam——dear,it'syearssinceIbeganlovingyou——it'sjustbecauseofitsgoodnessthatIwantnottoendinwreckagenow,nottoendinthesmashingupofallthebigthingsI
understandinyouandloveinyou……
"Whatisthereforusifwekeeponandgoaway?"shewenton。"Allthebiginterestsinourliveswillvanish——everything。Weshallbecomespecialisedpeople——peopleovershadowedbyasituation。Weshallbeanelopement,aromance——allourbreadthandmeaninggone!
Peoplewillalwaysthinkofitfirstwhentheythinkofus;allourworkandaimswillbewarpedbyitandsubordinatedtoit。Isitgoodenough,dear?Justtospecialise……Ithinkofyou。
We'vegotacase,apassionatecase,thebestofcases,butdowewanttospendallourlivesdefendingitandjustifyingit?Andthere'sthatotherlife。IknownowyoucareforMargaret——youcaremorethanyouthinkyoudo。Youhavesaidfinethingsofher。I'vewatchedyouabouther。Littlethingshavedroppedfromyou。She'sgivenherlifeforyou;she'snothingwithoutyou。Youfeelthattoyourmarrowallthetimeyouarethinkingaboutthesethings。Oh,I'mnotjealous,dear。Iloveyouforlovingher。Iloveyouinrelationtoher。Butthereitis,anaddedweightagainstus,anotherthingworthsaving。"
Presently,Iremember,shesatbackonherheelsandlookedupintomyface。"We'vedonewrong——andparting'spaying。It'stimetopay。Weneedn'thavepaid,ifwe'dkepttothetrack……YouandI,Master,we'vegottobemen。"
"Yes,"Isaid;"we'vegottobemen。"
4
IwasdriventotellMargaretaboutoursituationbymyintolerabledreadthatotherwisethethingmightcometoherthroughsomestupidandclumsyinformant。ShemightevenmeetAltiora,andhaveitfromher。
IcanstillrecallthefeelingofsittingatmydeskthatnightinthatlargestudyofmineinRadnorSquare,waitingforMargarettocomehome。Itwasoddlylikethefeelingofadentist'sreception-
room;onlyitwasformetodothedentistrywithclumsy,cruelhands。Ihadleftthedooropensothatshewouldcomeintome。
Iheardhersilkenrustleonthestairsatlast,andthenshewasinthedoorway。"MayIcomein?"shesaid。
"Do,"Isaid,andturnedroundtoher。
"Working?"shesaid。
"Hard,"Ianswered。"WherehaveYOUbeen?"
"AttheVallerys'。Mr。Eveshamwastalkingaboutyou。Theywerealltalking。Idon'tthinkeverybodyknewwhoIwas。JustMrs。
MumbleI'dbeentothem。LordWardenhamdoesn'tlikeyou。"
"Hedoesn't。"
"Buttheyallfeelyou'reratherbig,anyhow。ThenIwentontoParkLanetohearanewpianistandsomeothermusicatEva's。"
"Yes。"
"ThenIlookedinattheBrabants'forsomemidnightteabeforeI
cameonhere。They'dgotsomewriters——andGrantwasthere。"
"YouHAVEbeenflyinground……"
Therewasalittlepausebetweenus。
Ilookedatherpretty,unsuspectingface,andattheslendergraceofhergolden-robedbody。Whatgulfstherewerebetweenus!
"You'vebeenamused,"Isaid。
"It'sbeenamusing。You'vebeenattheHouse?"
"TheMedicalEducationBillkeptme。"……
Afterall,whyshouldItellher?She'dgottoawayoflivingthatfulfilledherrequirements。Perhapsshe'dneverhear。ButallthatdayandthedaybeforeI'dbeenmakingupmymindtodothething。
"Iwanttotellyousomething,"Isaid。"Iwishyou'dsitdownforamomentorso。"……
OnceIhadbegun,itseemedtomeIhadtogothroughwithit。
Somethinginthequalityofmyvoicegaveheranintimationofunusualgravity。Shelookedatmesteadilyforamomentandsatdownslowlyinmyarmchair。
"Whatisit?"shesaid。
Iwentonawkwardly。"I'vegottotellyou——somethingextraordinarilydistressing,"Isaid。
Shewasmanifestlyaltogetherunaware。
"Thereseemstobeagooddealofscandalabroad——I'veonlyrecentlyheardofit——aboutmyself——andIsabel。"
"Isabel!"
Inodded。
"Whatdotheysay?"sheasked。
Itwasdifficult,Ifound,tospeak。
"Theysayshe'smymistress。"
"Oh!Howabominable!"
Shespokewiththemostnaturalindignation。Oureyesmet。
"We'vebeengreatfriends,"Isaid。
"Yes。AndtomakeTHATofit。Mypoordear!Buthowcanthey?"
Shepausedandlookedatme。It'ssoincredible。Howcananyonebelieveit?Icouldn't。"
Shestopped,withherdistressedeyesregardingme。Herexpressionchangedtodread。Therewasatensestillnessforasecond,perhaps。
Iturnedmyfacetowardsthedesk,andtookupanddroppedahandfulofpaperfasteners。
"Margaret,"Isaid,"I'mafraidyou'llhavetobelieveit。"
5
Margaretsatverystill。WhenIlookedatheragain,herfacewasverywhite,andherdistressedeyesscrutinisedme。Herlipsquiveredasshespoke。"Youreallymean——THAT?"shesaid。
Inodded。
"Ineverdreamt。"
"Inevermeantyoutodream。"
"Andthatiswhy——we'vebeenapart?"
Ithought。"Isupposeitis。"
"Whyhaveyoutoldmenow?"
"Thoserumours。Ididn'twantanyoneelsetotellyou。"
"Orelseitwouldn'thavemattered?"
"No。"
Sheturnedhereyesfrommetothefire。Thenforamomentshelookedabouttheroomshehadmadeforme,andthenquitesilently,withachildishquiveringofherlips,withasortofdismayeddistressuponherface,shewasweeping。Shesatweepinginherdressofclothofgold,withherbareslenderarmsdroppedlimpoverthearmsofherchair,andhereyesavertedfromme,makingnoefforttostayorstaunchhertears。"Iamsorry,Margaret,"I
said。"Iwasinlove……Ididnotunderstand……"
Presentlysheasked:"Whatareyougoingtodo?"
"Yousee,Margaret,nowit'scometobeyouraffair——Iwanttoknowwhatyou——whatyouwant。"
"Youwanttoleaveme?"
"Ifyouwantmeto,Imust。"
"LeaveParliament——leaveallthethingsyouaredoing,——allthisfinemovementofyours?"
"No。"Ispokesullenly。"Idon'twanttoleaveanything。Iwanttostayon。I'vetoldyou,becauseIthinkwe——IsabelandI,Imean——
havegottodrivethroughastormofscandalanyhow。Idon'tknowhowfarthingsmaygo,howmuchpeoplemayfeel,andIcan't,I
can'thaveyouunconscious,unarmed,opentoanyrevelation——"
Shemadenoanswer。
"Whenthethingbegan——IknewitwasstupidbutIthoughtitwasathingthatwouldn'tchange,wouldn'tbeanythingbutitself,wouldn'tunfold——consequences……Peoplehavegotholdofthesevaguerumours……Directlyitreachedanyoneelsebut——butustwo——Isawithadtocometoyou。"
Istopped。IhadthatdistressfulfeelingIhavealwayshadwithMargaret,ofnotbeingaltogethersuresheheard,ofbeingdoubtfulifsheunderstood。IperceivedthatonceagainIhadstruckatherandshatteredathousandunsubstantialpinnacles。AndIcouldn'tgetather,tohelpher,ortouchhermind!Istoodup,andatmymovementshemoved。Sheproducedadaintylittlehandkerchief,andmadeanefforttowipeherfacewithit,andheldittohereyes。
"Oh,myHusband!"shesobbed。
"Whatdoyoumeantodo?"shesaid,withhervoicemuffledbyherhandkerchief。
"We'regoingtoendit,"Isaid。
SomethinggrippedmetormentinglyasIsaidthat。Idrewachairbesideherandsatdown。"YouandI,Margaret,havebeenpartners,"
Ibegan。"We'vebuiltupthislifeofourstogether;Icouldn'thavedoneitwithoutyou。We'vemadeaposition,createdawork——"
Sheshookherhead。"You,"shesaid。
"Youhelping。Idon'twanttoshatterit——ifyoudon'twantitshattered。Ican'tleavemywork。Ican'tleaveyou。Iwantyoutohave——allthatyouhaveeverhad。I'venevermeanttorobyou。
I'vemadeanimmenseandtragicblunder。Youdon'tknowhowthingstookus,howdifferenttheyseemed!Mycharacterandaccidenthaveconspired——We'llpay——inourselves,notinourpublicservice。"
Ihaltedagain。Margaretremainedverystill。
"Iwantyoutounderstandthatthethingisatanend。Itisdefinitelyatanend。We——wetalked——yesterday。Wemeantoenditaltogether。"Iclenchedmyhands。"She's——she'sgoingtomarryArnoldShoesmith。"
Iwasn'tlookingnowatMargaretanymore,butIheardtherustleofhermovementassheturnedonme。
"It'sallright,"Isaid,clingingtomyexplanation。"We'redoingnothingshabby。Heknows。Hewill。It'sallasright——asthingscanbenow。We'renotcheatinganyone,Margaret。We'redoingthingsstraight——now。Ofcourse,youknow……Weshall——weshallhavetomakesacrifices。Givethingsupprettycompletely。
Verycompletely……Weshallhavenottoseeeachotherforatime,youknow。Perhapsnotalongtime。Twoorthreeyears。Orwrite——orjustanyofthatsortofthingever——"
Somesubconsciousbarriergavewayinme。Ifoundmyselfcryinguncontrollably——asIhavenevercriedsinceIwasalittlechild。I
wasamazedandhorrifiedatmyself。Andwonderfully,Margaretwasonherkneesbesideme,withherarmsaboutme,minglingherweepingwithmine。"Oh,myHusband!"shecried,mypoorHusband!Doesithurtyouso?Iwoulddoanything!Oh,thefoolIam!Dear,Iloveyou。Iloveyouoverandawayandaboveallthesejealouslittlethings!"
Shedrewdownmyheadtoherasamothermightdrawdowntheheadofason。Shecaressedme,weepingbitterlywithme。"Oh!mydear,"
shesobbed,"mydear!I'veneverseenyoucry!I'veneverseenyoucry。Ever!Ididn'tknowyoucould。Oh!mydear!Can'tyouhaveher,mydear,ifyouwanther?Ican'tbearit!Letmehelpyou,dear。Oh!myHusband!MyMan!Ican'tbeartohaveyoucry!"Foratimesheheldmeinsilence。
"I'vethoughtthismighthappen,Idreamtitmighthappen。Youtwo,Imean。Itwasdreamingputitintomyhead。WhenI'veseenyoutogether,sogladwitheachother……Oh!Husbandmine,believeme!believeme!I'mstupid,I'mcold,I'monlybeginningtorealisehowstupidandcold,butallIwantinalltheworldistogivemylifetoyou。"……
6
"Wecan'tpartinaroom,"saidIsabel。
"We'llhaveonelasttalktogether,"Isaid,andplannedthatweshouldmeetforahalfadaybetweenDoverandWalmerandtalkourselvesout。Istillrecallthatdayverywell,recalleventhecuriousexaltationofgriefthatmadeourmentalatmospheredistinctiveandmemorable。Wehadseensomuchofoneanother,hadbecomesointimate,thatwetalkedofpartingevenaswepartedwithasenseofincredibleremoteness。Wewenttogetherupoverthecliffs,andtoaplacewheretheyfalltowardsthesea,pastthewhite,quaint-lanternedlighthousesoftheSouthForeland。There,inakindofnichebelowthecrest,wesattalking。Itwasaspaciousday,serenelyblueandwarm,andonthewrinkledwaterremotelybelowablacktenderandsixhoodedsubmarinescamepresently,andengagedinmysteriousmanoeuvers。Shriekinggullsandchatteringjackdawscircledoverusandbelowus,anddivedandswooped;andaskerryofweedy,fallenchalkappeared,andgraduallydisappearedagain,asthetidefellandrose。
Wetalkedandthoughtthatafternoononeveryaspectofourrelations。Itseemstomenowwetalkedsowideandfarthatscarcelyanissueinthelifebetweenmanandwomancanarisethatwedidnotatleasttouchupon。LyingthereatIsabel'sfeet,I
havebecomeformyselfasymbolofallthisworld-wideproblembetweendutyandconscious,passionatelovetheworldhasstilltosolve。Becauseitisn'tsolved;there'sawronginiteitherway……Thesky,thewidehorizon,seemedtoliftusoutofourselvesuntilweweresomethingrepresentativeandgeneral。Shewaswomanhoodbecomearticulate,talkingtoherlover。
"Iought,"Isaid,"nevertohavelovedyou。"
"Itwasn'tathingplanned,"shesaid。
"Ioughtnevertohaveletourtalksliptothat,nevertohaveturnedbackfromAmerica。"
"I'mgladwedidit,"shesaid。"Don'tthinkIrepent。"
Ilookedather。
"Iwillneverrepent,"shesaid。"Never!"asthoughsheclungtoherlifeinsayingit。
Irememberwetalkedforalongtimeofdivorce。Itseemedtousthen,anditseemstousstill,thatitoughttohavebeenpossibleforMargarettodivorceme,andformetomarrywithoutthescandalousanduglypublicity,thetaintandostracismthatfollowsuchareadjustment。Wewentontothewholeperplexingriddleofmarriage。Wecriticisedthecurrentcode,howmuddledandconventionalisedithadbecome,howmodifiedbysubterfugesandconcealmentsandnewnecessities,andtheincreasingfreedomofwomen。"It'salllikeBromsteadwhenthebuildingcame,"Isaid;
forIhadoftentalkedtoherofthatearlyimpressionofpurposedissolvingagainintochaoticforces。"Thereisnoclearrightintheworldanymore。TheworldisByzantine。Thejustestmanto-daymustpractiseataintedgoodness。"
Thesequestionsneeddiscussion——amagnificentfranknessofdiscussion——ifanystandardsareagaintoestablishaneffectiveholduponeducatedpeople。Discretions,asIhavesaidalready,willneverholdanyoneworthholding——longerthantheyheldus。
Againstevery"shaltnot"theremustbea"whynot"plainlyput,——
the"whynot"largestandplainest,thelawdeducedfromitspurpose。"YouandI,Isabel,"Isaid,"havealwaysbeenalittledisregardfulofduty,partlyatleastbecausetheideaofdutycomestoussoill-clad。Oh!Iknowthere'sanextravagantinsubordinatestraininus,butthatwasn'tall。Iwishhumbugswouldleavedutyalone。Iwishalldutywasn'tcoveredwithslime。That'swheretherealmischiefcomesin。Passioncanalwayscontrivetoclotheitselfinbeauty,stripsitselfsplendid。Thatcarriedus。Butforallitsmeanassociationsthereisthisduty……
"Don'twecomeratherlatetoit?"
"Notsolatethatitwon'tbeatrociouslyhardtodo。"
"It'squeertothinkofnow,"saidIsabel。"Whocouldbelievewedidallwehavedonehonestly?Well,inamannerhonestly。Whocouldbelievewethoughtthismightbehidden?Whocouldtraceitallstepbystepfromthetimewhenwefoundthatacertainboldnessinourtalkwaspleasing?Wetalkedoflove……Master,there'snotmuchforustodointhewayofApologiathatanyonewillcredit。Andyetifitwerepossibletotelltheveryheartofourstory……
"DoesMargaretreallywanttogoonwithyou?"sheasked——"shieldyou——knowingof……THIS?"
"I'mcertain。Idon'tunderstand——justasIdon'tunderstandShoesmith,butshedoes。Thesepeoplewalkonsolidgroundwhichisjustthinairtous。They'vegotsomethingwehaven'tgot。
Assurances?Iwonder。"……
Thenitwas,orlater,wetalkedofShoesmith,andwhatherlifemightbewithhim。
"He'sgood,"shesaid;"he'skindly。He'severythingbutmagic。
He'stheveryimageofthedecent,sober,honourablelife。Youcan'tsayathingagainsthimorI——exceptthatsomething——somethinginhisimagination,somethinginthetoneofhisvoice——failsforme。Whydon'tIlovehim?——he'sabettermanthanyou!Whydon'tyou?ISheabettermanthanyou?He'susage,he'shonour,he'stherightthing,he'sthebreedandthetradition,——agentleman。
You'reyourerring,incalculableself。Isupposewewomenwilltrustthissortandloveyoursorttotheveryendoftime……"
Welaysidebysideandnibbledatgrassstalksaswetalked。Itseemedenormouslyunreasonabletousthattwopeoplewhohadcometothepitchofeasyandconfidentaffectionandhappinessthatheldbetweenusshouldbeobligedtopartandshunoneanother,ormurderhalfthesubstanceoftheirlives。Wefeltourselvescrushedandbeatenbyanindiscriminatingmachinewhichdestroyshappinessintheserviceofjealousy。"Themassofpeopledon'tfeelthesethingsinquitethesamemanneraswefeelthem,"shesaid。"Isitbecausethey'redifferentingrain,oreducatedoutofsomeprimitiveinstinct?"
"It'sbecausewe'veexploredlovealittle,andtheyknownomorethanthegateway,"Isaid。"Lustandthenjealousy;theirsimpleconception——andwehavegonepastallthatandwanderedhandinhand……"
Irememberthatforatimewewatchedtwoofthatlargersortofgull,whosewingsarebrownish-white,circleandhoveragainsttheblue。Andthenwelayandlookedatabandofwatermirrorclearfarouttosea,andwonderedwhythebreezethatrippledalltherestshouldleaveitsoserene。
"AndinthisStateofours,"Iresumed。
"Eh!"saidIsabel,rollingoverintoasittingpostureandlookingoutatthehorizon。"Let'stalknomoreofthingswecanneversee。
Talktomeoftheworkyouaredoingandallweshalldo——afterwehaveparted。We'vesaidtoolittleofthat。We'vehadourredlife,andit'sover。ThankHeaven!——thoughwestoleit!Talkaboutyourwork,dear,andthethingswe'llgoondoing——justasthoughwewerestilltogether。We'llstillbetogetherinasense——throughallthesethingswehaveincommon。"
Andsowetalkedofpoliticsandouroutlook。Wewereinterestedtothepitchofself-forgetfulness。Weweighedpersonsandforces,discussedtheprobabilitiesofthenextgeneralelection,thesteadydriftofpublicopinioninthenorthandwestawayfromLiberalismtowardsus。ItwasverymanifestthatinspiteofWardenhamandtheEXPURGATOR,weshouldcomeintothenewGovernmentstrongly。Thepartyhadnooneelse,alltheyoungmenwereformallyorinformallywithus;Esmeerwouldhaveoffice,LordTarvrille,I……andveryprobablytherewouldbesomethingforShoesmith。"Andformyownpart,"Isaid,"IcountonbackingontheLiberalside。Forthelasttwoyearswe'vebeenforcingcompetitioninconstructivelegislationbetweentheparties。TheLiberalshavenotbeenlonginfollowingupourEndowmentofMotherhoodlead。They'llhavetogivevotesandlipserviceanyhow。HalfthereadersoftheBLUEWEEKLY,theysay,areLiberals……
"IremembertalkingaboutthingsofthissortwitholdWillersley,"
Isaid,"eversomanyyearsago。ItwassomeplacenearLocarno,andwelookeddownthelakethatshoneweltering——justasnowwelookoverthesea。AndthenwedreamtinanindistinctfeaturelesswayofallthatyouandIaredoingnow。"
"I!"saidIsabel,andlaughed。
"Well,ofsomesuchthing,"Isaid,andremainedforawhilesilent,thinkingofLocarno。
Irecalledoncemorethelargeness,thereleasefromsmallpersonalthingsthatIhadfeltinmyyouth;statecraftbecamerealandwonderfulagainwiththememory,thegigantichandlingofgiganticproblems。Ibegantotalkoutmythoughts,sittingupbesideher,asIcouldnevertalkofthemtoanyonebutIsabel;begantorecoveragainthepurposethatlayunderallmypoliticalambitionsandadjustmentsandanticipations。IsawtheState,splendidandwideasIhadseenitinthatfirsttravelofmine,butnowitwasnomeredistantprospectofspiresandpinnacles,butpopulouswithfine-trained,bold-thinking,bold-doingpeople。ItwasasifIhadforgottenforalongtimeandnowrememberedwithamazement。
Atfirst,Itoldher,IhadbeenaltogetheratalosshowIcoulddoanythingtobattleagainsttheaimlessmuddleofourworld;Ihadwantedaclue——untilshehadcomeintomylifequestioning,suggesting,unconsciouslyilluminating。"ButIhavedonenothing,"
sheprotested。Ideclaredshehaddoneeverythingingrowingtoeducationundermyeyes,inreflectingagainuponalltheprocessesthathadmademyself,sothatinsteadofabstractionsandblue-booksandbillsanddevices,Ihadrealisedtheworldofmankindasacrowdneedingbeforeallthingsfinewomenandmen。We'dspoiltourselvesinlearningthat,butanyhowwehadourlesson。BeforeherIwasinanineteenth-centurydarkness,dealingwiththenationasifitwereacrowdofselfishmen,forgetfulofwomenandchildrenandthatshywildthingintheheartsofmen,love,whichmustbedrawnuponasithasneverbeendrawnuponbefore,iftheStateistolive。Isawnowhowitispossibletobringtheloosefactorsofagreatrealmtogether,tocreateamindofliteratureandthoughtinit,andtheexpressionofapurposetomakeitself-
consciousandfine。Ihaditallclearbeforeme,sothatatascoreofpointsIcouldpresentlybegin。TheBLUEWEEKLYwasacentreofforce。AlreadywehadgivenImperialismacriticism,andleavenedhalfthepressfromourcolumns。Ourmovementconsolidatedandspread。Weshouldpresentlycomeintopower。Everythingmovedtowardsourhands。Weshouldbeabletogetattheschools,theservices,theuniversities,thechurch;enormouslyincreasetheendowmentofresearch,andorganisewhatwassorelywanted,acriticismofresearch;contriveaclosercontactbetweenthepressandcreativeintellectuallife;fosterliterature,clarify,strengthenthepublicconsciousness,developsocialorganisationandasenseoftheState。Menwerecomingtouseveryday,brilliantyoungpeerslikeLordDentonhill,writerslikeCarnotandCresswell。
Itfilledmewithpridetowinsuchmen。"Westandforsomuchmorethanweseemtostandfor,"Isaid。Iopenedmyhearttoher,sofreelythatIhesitatetoopenmyhearteventothereader,tellingofprojectsandambitionsIcherished,ofmyconsciousnessofgreatpowersandwideningopportunities……
IsabelwatchedmeasItalked。
Shetoo,Ithink,hadforgottenthesethingsforawhile。ForitiscuriousandIthinkaverysignificantthingthatsincewehadbecomelovers,wehadtalkedverylittleofthebroaderthingsthathadoncesostronglygrippedourimaginations。
"It'sgood,"Isaid,"totalklikethistoyou,togetbacktoyouthandgreatambitionswithyou。Therehavebeentimeslatelywhenpoliticshasseemedthepettiestgameplayedwithmeantoolsformeanends——andnonethelesssothatthehappinessofthreehundredmillionpeoplemightbetouchedbyourfollies。Italktonooneelselikethis……AndnowIthinkofparting,IthinkbutofhowmuchmoreImighthavetalkedtoyou。"……
Thingsdrewtoanendatlast,butafterwehadspokenofathousandthings。
"We'vetalkedawayourlasthalfday,"Isaid,staringovermyshoulderattheblazingsunsetskybehindus。"Dear,it'sbeenthelastdayofourlivesforus……Itdoesn'tseemlikethelastdayofourlives。Oranyday。"
"Iwonderhowitwillfeel?"saidIsabel。
"Itwillbeverystrangeatfirst——nottobeabletotellyouthings。"
"I'veasuperstitionthatafter——afterwe'veparted——ifeverIgointomyroomandtalk,you'llhear。You'llbe——somewhere。"
"Ishallbeintheworld——yes。"
"Idon'tfeelasthoughthesedaysaheadwerereal。Hereweare,hereweremain。"
"Yes,Ifeelthat。AsthoughyouandIweretwoimmortals,whodidn'tliveintimeandspaceatall,whonevermet,whocouldn'tpart,andherewelieonOlympus。Andthosetwopoorcreatureswhodidmeet,poorlittleRichardRemingtonandIsabelRivers,whometandlovedtoomuchandhadtopart,theypartandgotheirways,andweliehereandwatchthem,youandI。She'llcry,poordear。"
"She'llcry。She'scryingnow!"
"Poorlittlebeasts!Ithinkhe'llcrytoo。Hewinces。Hecould——
fortuppence。Ididn'tknowhehadlachrymalglandsatalluntilalittlewhileago。Isupposeallloveishysterical——andalittlefoolish。Poormites!Sillylittlepitifulcreatures!Howwehaveblundered!ThinkhowwemustlooktoGod!Well,we'llpitythem,andthenwe'llinspirehimtostiffenupagain——anddoaswe'vedeterminedheshalldo。We'llseeitthrough,——wewholiehereonthecliff。They'llbemeanattimes,andhorridattimes;weknowthem!Doyouseeher,apoorlittlefineladyinagreathouse,——
shesometimesgoestoherroomandwrites。"
"ShewritesforhisBLUEWEEKLYstill。"
"Yes。Sometimes——Ihope。Andhe'sthereintheofficewithabitofhercopyinhishand。"
"Isitasgoodasifshestilltalkeditoverwithhimbeforeshewroteit?Isit?"
"Better,Ithink。Let'splayit'sbetter——anyhow。Itmaybethattalkingoverwasrathermixedwithlove-making。Afterall,love-
makingisjoyratherthanmagic。Don'tlet'spretendaboutthateven……Let'sgoonwatchinghim。Idon'tseewhyherwritingshouldn'tbebetter。IndeedIdon't。See!TherehegoesdownalongtheEmbankmenttoWestminsterjustlikearealman,forallthathe'ssmallerthanagrainofdust。Whatisrunningroundinsidethatspeckofaheadofhis?LookathimgoingpastthePolicemen,speckstoo——selectedlargeonesfromthecountry。I
thinkhe'sgoingtodinnerwiththeSpeaker——someoldthinglikethat。Ishisfaceharderorcommonerorstronger?——Ican'tquitesee……Andnowhe'supandspeakingintheHouse。Hopehe'llholdontothethread。He'llhavetoplanhisspeechestotheveryendofhisdays——andlearntheheadings。"
"Isn'tsheupinthewomen'sgallerytohearhim?"
"No。Unlessit'sbyaccident。"
"She'sthere,"shesaid。
"Well,byaccidentithappens。Nottoomanyaccidents,Isabel。
Neveranymoreadventuresforus,dear,now。No!……Theyplaythegame,youknow。They'vebegunlate,butnowthey'vegotto。
Youseeit'snotsoveryhardforthemsinceyouandI,mydear,areherealways,alwaysfaithfullyhereonthiswarmcliffofloveaccomplished,watchingandhelpingthemunderhighheaven。Itisn'tsoVERYhard。Rathergoodinsomeways。SomepeopleHAVEtobebrokenalittle。CanyouseeAltioradownthere,byanychance?"
"She'stoolittletobeseen,"shesaid。
"Canyouseethesinstheyoncecommitted?"
"Icanonlyseeyouherebesideme,dear——forever。Forallmylife,dear,tillIdie。Wasthat——thesin?"……
Itookhertothestation,andaftershehadgoneIwastodrivetoDover,andcrosstoCalaisbythenightboat。Icouldn't,Ifelt,returntoLondon。WewalkedoverthecrestanddowntothelittlestationofMartinMillsidebyside,talkingatfirstinbrokenfragments,forthemostpartofunimportantthings。
"Noneofthis,"shesaidabruptly,"seemsintheslightestdegreerealtome。I'vegotnosenseofthingsending。"
"We'reparting,"Isaid。
"We'reparting——aspeoplepartinaplay。It'sdistressing。ButI
don'tfeelasthoughyouandIwerereallynevertoseeeachotheragainforyears。Doyou?"
Ithought。"No,"Isaid。
"Afterwe'vepartedIshalllooktotalkitoverwithyou。"
"SoshallI。"
"That'sabsurd。"
"Absurd。"
"Ifeelasifyou'dalwayshethere,justaboutwhereyouarenow。
Invisibleperhaps,butthere。We'vespentsomuchofourlivesjogglingelbows。"……
"Yes。Yes。Idon'tintheleastrealiseit。IsupposeIshallbegintowhenthetraingoesoutofthestation。Arewewantinginimagination,Isabel?"
"Idon'tknow。We'vealwaysassumeditwastheotherwayabout。"
"Evenwhenthetraingoesoutofthestation——!I'veseenyouintosomanytrains。"
"Ishallgoonthinkingofthingstosaytoyou——thingstoputinyourletters。Foryearstocome。HowcanIeverstopthinkinginthatwaynow?We'vegotintoeachother'sbrains。"
"Itisn'treal,"Isaid;"nothingisreal。Theworld'snomorethanafantasticdream。Whyareweparting,Isabel?"
"Idon'tknow。Itseemsnowsupremelysilly。Isupposewehaveto。
Can'twemeet?——don'tyouthinkweshallmeetevenindreams?"
"We'llmeetathousandtimesindreams,"Isaid。
"Iwishwecoulddreamatthesametime,"saidIsabel……"Dreamwalks。Ican'tbelieve,dear,Ishallneverhaveawalkwithyouagain。"
"IfI'dstayedsixmonthsinAmerica,"Isaid,"wemighthavewalkedlongwalksandtalkedlongtalksforallourlives。"
"NotinaworldofBaileys,"saidIsabel。"Andanyhow——"
Shestoppedshort。Ilookedinterrogation。
"We'veloved,"shesaid。
Itookherticket,sawtoherluggage,andstoodbythedoorofthecompartment。"Good-bye,"Isaidalittlestiffly,consciousofthepeopleupontheplatform。Shebentaboveme,whiteanddusky,lookingatmeverysteadfastly。
"Comehere,"shewhispered。"Nevermindtheporters。Whatcantheyknow?Justonetimemore——Imust。"
Sherestedherhandagainstthedoorofthecarriageandbentdownuponme,andputhercold,moistlipstomine。
CHAPTERTHETHIRD
THEBREAKINGPOINT
第12章