ItcarriesonanextensivetradeinstovesandhollowwarewiththeWestandSouth，anditsflouringmillshaveadailycapacityofmorethan2，000barrels。
　　AzaleaAdairseemedtoreflect。
　　“Ihaveneverthoughtofitthatway，“shesaid，withakindofsincereintensitythatseemedtobelongtoher。“Isn”titinthestill，quietplacesthatthingsdohappen？IfancythatwhenGodbegantocreatetheearthonthefirstMondaymorningonecouldhaveleanedoutone”swindowandheardthedropsofmudsplashingfromHistrowelasHebuiltuptheeverlastinghills。Whatdidthenoisiestprojectintheworld——ImeanthebuildingoftheTowerofBable——resultinfinally？ApageandahalfofEsperantointhe_NorthAmericanReview_。”
　　“Ofcourse，“saidIplatitudinously，“humannatureisthesameeverywhere；butthereismorecolor——er——moredramaandmovementand——er——romanceinsomecitiesthaninothers。”
　　“Onthesurface，“saidAzaleaAdair。“Ihavetraveledmanytimesaroundtheworldinagoldenairshipwaftedontwowings——printanddreams。IhaveseenononeofmyimaginarytourstheSultanofTurkeybowstringwithhisownhandsoneofhiswiveswhohaduncoveredherfaceinpublic。IhaveseenamaninNashvilletearuphistheatreticketsbecausehiswifewasgoingoutwithherfacecovered——withricepowder。InSanFrancisco”sChinatownIsawtheslavegirlSingYeedippedslowly，inchbyinch，inboilingalmondoiltomakeherswearshewouldneverseeherAmericanloveragain。Shegaveinwhentheboilingoilhadreachedthreeinchesaboveherknee。AtaeuchrepartyinEastNashvilletheothernightIsawKittyMorgancutdeadbysevenofherschoolmatesandlifelongfriendsbecauseshehadmarriedahousepainter。Theboilingoilwassizzlingashighasherheart；butIwishyoucouldhaveseenthefinelittlesmilethatshecarriedfromtabletotable。Oh，yes，itisahumdrumtown。Justafewmilesofredbrickhousesandmudandlumberyards。”
　　Someoneknockedhollowlyatthebackofthehouse。AzaleaAdairbreathedasoftapologyandwenttoinvestigatethesound。Shecamebackinthreeminuteswithbrightenedeyes，afaintflushonhercheeks，andtenyearsliftedfromhershoulders。
　　“Youmusthaveacupofteabeforeyougo，“shesaid，“andasugarcake。”
　　Shereachedandshookalittleironbell。InshuffledasmallNegrogirlabouttwelve，barefoot，notverytidy，gloweringatmewiththumbinmouthandbulgingeyes。
　　AzleaAdairopenedatiny，wornpurseanddrewoutadollarbill，adollarbillwiththeupperright-handcornermissing，tornintwopieces，andpastedtogetheragainwithastripofbluetissuepaper。
　　ItwasoneofthebillsIhadgiventhepiraticalNegro——therewasnodoubtaboutit。
　　“GouptoMr。Baker”sstoreonthecorner，Impy，“shesaid，handingthegirlthedollarbill，“andgetaquarterofapoundoftea——thekindhealwayssendsme——andtencentsworthofsugarcakes。Now，hurry。Thesupplyofteainthehousehappenstobeexhausted，“sheexplainedtome。
　　Impyleftbythebackway。Beforethescrapeofherhard，barefeethaddiedawayonthebackporch，awildshriek——Iwassureitwashers——filledthehollowhouse。Thenthedeep，grufftonesofanangryman”svoicemingledwiththegirl”sfurthersquealsandunintelligiblewords。
　　AzaleaAdairrosewithoutsurpriseoremotionanddisappeared。
　　FortwominutesIheardthehoarserumbleoftheman”svoice；thensometinglikeanoathandaslightscuffle，andshereturnedcalmlytoherchair。
　　“Thisisaroomyhouse，“shesaid，“andIhaveatenantforpartofit。Iamsorrytohavetorescindmyinvitationtotea。ItwasimpossibletogetthekindIalwaysuseatthestore。Perhapsto-
　　morrow，Mr。Bakerwillbeabletosupplyme。”
　　IwassurethatImpyhadnothadtimetoleavethehouse。I
　　inquiredconcerningstreet-carlinesandtookmyleave。AfterIwaswellonmywayIrememberedthatIhadnotlearnedAzaleaAdair”sname。Butto-morrowwoulddo。
　　ThatsamedayIstartedinonthecourseofiniquitythatthisuneventfulcityforceduponme。Iwasinthetownonlytwodays，butinthattimeImanagedtolieshamelesslybytelegraph，andtobeanaccomplice——afterthefact，ifthatisthecorrectlegalterm——toamurder。
　　AsIroundedthecornernearestmyhoteltheAfritecoachmanoftheploychromatic，nonpareilcoatseizedme，swungopenthedungeonydoorofhisperipateticsarcophagus，flirtedhisfeatherdusterandbeganhisritual：“Steprightin，boss。Carriageisclean——jus”gotbackfromafuneral。Fiftycentstoany”
　　Andthenheknewmeandgrinnedbroadly。“”Scuseme，boss；youisdegen”l”manwhatridoutwithmedismawnin”。Thankyoukindly，suh。”
　　“Iamgoingoutto861againto-morrowafternoonatthree，“saidI，“andifyouwillbehere，I”llletyoudriveme。SoyouknowMissAdair？“Iconcluded，thinkingofmydollarbill。
　　“Ibelongedtoherfather，JudgeAdair，suh，“hereplied。
　　“Ijudgethatsheisprettypoor，“Isaid。“Shehasn”tmuchmoneytospeakof，hasshe？“
　　ForaninstantIlookedagainatthefiercecountenanceofKingCettiwayo，andthenhechangedbacktoanextortionateoldNegrohackdriver。
　　“Sheain”tgwinetostarve，suh，“hesaidslowly。“Shehasreso”ces，suh；shehasreso”ces。”
　　“Ishallpayyoufiftycentsforthetrip，“saidI。
　　“Datispuffecklycorrect，suh，“heansweredhumbly。“Ijus”_had_
　　tohavedattwodollarsdismawnin”，boss。”
　　Iwenttothehotelandliedbyelectricity。Iwiredthemagazine：
　　“A。Adairholdsoutforeightcentsaword。”
　　Theanswerthatcamebackwas：“Giveittoherquickyouduffer。”
　　Justbeforedinner“Major“WentworthCaswellboredownuponmewiththegreetingsofalong-lostfriend。IhaveseenfewmenwhomIhavesoinstantaneouslyhated，andofwhomitwassodifficulttoberid。Iwasstandingatthebarwhenheinvadedme；
　　thereforeIcouldnotwavethewhiteribboninhisface。Iwouldhavepaidgladlyforthedrinks，hoping，thereby，toescapeanother；
　　buthewasoneofthosedespicable，roaring，advertisingbibberswhomusthavebrassbandsandfireworksattenduponeverycentthattheywasteintheirfollies。
　　Withanairofproducingmillionshedrewtwoone-dollarbillsfromapocketanddashedoneofthemuponthebar。Ilookedoncemoreatthedollarbillwiththeupperright-handcornermissing，tornthroughthemiddle，andpatchedwithastripofbluetissuepaper。Itwasmydollarbillagain。Itcouldhavebeennoother。
　　Iwentuptomyroom。Thedrizzleandthemonotonyofadreary，eventlessSoutherntownhadmademetiredandlistless。I
　　rememberthatjustbeforeIwenttobedImentallydisposedofthemysteriousdollarbillwhichmighthaveformedtheclewtoatremendouslyfinedetectivestoryofSanFranciscobysayingtomyselfsleepily：“SeemsasifalotofpeoplehereownstockintheHack-Driver”sTrust。Paysdividendspromptly，too。
　　Wonderif”ThenIfellasleep。
　　KingCettiwayowasathispostthenextday，andrattledmybonesoverthestonesoutto861。HewastowaitandrattlemebackagainwhenIwasready。
　　AzaleaAdairlookedpalerandcleanerandfrailerthanshehadlookedonthedaybefore。Aftershehadsignedthecontractateightcentsperwordshegrewstillpalerandbegantoslipoutofherchair。WhitoutmuchtroubleImanagedtogetherupontheantediluvianhorsehairsofaandthenIranouttothesidewalkandyelledtothecoffee-coloredPiratetobringadoctor。WithawisdomthatIhadnotexpectedinhim，heabandonedhisteamandstruckoffupthestreetafoot，realizingthevalueofspeed。Intenminuteshereturnedwithagrave，gray-hairedandcapablemanofmedicine。Inafewwordsworthmuchlessthaneightcentseach
　　Iexplainedtohimmypresenceinthehollowhouseofmystery。Hebowedwithstatelyunderstanding，andturnedtotheoldNegro。
　　“UncleCaesar，“hesaidcalmly，“RunuptomyhouseandaskMissLucytogiveyouacreampitcherfulloffreshmilkandhalfatumblerofportwine。Andhurryback。Don”tdrive——run。I
　　wantyoutogetbacksometimethisweek。”
　　ItoccurredtomethatDr。Merrimanalsofeltadistrustastothespeedingpowersoftheland-pirate”ssteeds。AfterUncleCaesarwasgone，lumberingly，butswiftly，upthestreet，thedoctorlookedmeoverwithgreatpolitenessandasmuchcarefulcalculationuntilhehaddecidedthatImightdo。
　　“Itisonlyacaseofinsufficientnutrition，“hesaid。“Inotherwords，theresultofpoverty，pride，andstarvation。Mrs。Caswellhasmanydevotedfriendswhowouldbegladtoaidher，butshewillacceptnothingexceptfromthatoldNegro，UncleCaesar，whowasonceownedbyherfamily。”
　　“Mrs。Caswell！“saidI，insurprise。AndthenIlookedatthecontractandsawthatshehadsignedit“AzaleaAdairCaswell。”
　　“IthoughtshewasMissAdair，“Isaid。
　　“Marriedtoadrunken，worthlessloafer，sir，“saidthedoctor。
　　“Itissaidthatherobsherevenofthesmallsumsthatheroldservantcontributestowardhersupport。”
　　WhenthemilkandwinehadbeenbroughtthedoctorsoonrevivedAzaleaAdair。Shesatupandtalkedofthebeautyoftheautumnleavesthatweretheninseason，andtheirheightofcolor。Shereferredlightlytoherfaintingseizureastheoutcomeofanoldpalpitationoftheheart。Impyfannedherasshelayonthesofa。
　　Thedoctorwasdueelsewhere，andIfollowedhimtothedoor。I
　　toldhimthatitwaswithinmypowerandintentionstomakeareasonableadvanceofmoneytoAzaleaAdaironfuturecontributionstothemagazine，andheseemedpleased。
　　“Bytheway，“hesaid，“perhapsyouwouldliketoknowthatyouhavehadroyaltyforacoachman。OldCaesar”sgrandfatherwasakinginCongo。Caesarhimselfhasroyalways，asyoumayhaveobserved。”
　　AsthedoctorwasmovingoffIheardUncleCaesar”svoiceinside：
　　“Didhegetbofeofdemtwodollarsfromyou，Mis”Zalea？“
　　“Yes，Caesar，“IheardAzaleaAdairanswerweakly。AndthenI
　　wentinandconcludedbusinessnegotiationswithourcontributor。
　　Iassumedtheresponsibilityofadvancingfiftydollars，puttingitasanecessaryformalityinbindingourbargain。AndthenUncleCaesardrovemebacktothehotel。
　　HereendsallofthestoryasfarasIcantestifyasawitness。Therestmustbeonlybarestatementsoffacts。
　　Ataboutsixo”clockIwentoutforastroll。UncleCaesarwasathiscorner。Hethrewopenthedoorofhiscarriage，flourishedhisdusterandbeganhisdepressingformula：“Steprightin，suh。
　　Fiftycentstoanywhereinthecity——hack”spufficklyclean，suh——
　　jus”gotbackfromafuneral”
　　Andthenherecognizedme。Ithinkhiseyesightwasgettingbad。
　　Hiscoathadtakenonafewmorefadedshadesofcolor，thetwinestringsweremorefrayedandragged，thelastremainingbutton——
　　thebuttonofyellowhorn——wasgone。AmotleydescendantofkingswasUncleCaesar！
　　AbouttwohourslaterIsawanexcitedcrowdbesiegingthefrontofadrugstore。Inadesertwherenothinghappensthiswasmanna；soIedgedmywayinside。OnanextemporizedcouchofemptyboxesandchairswasstretchedthemortalcorporealityofMajorWentworthCaswell。Adoctorwastestinghimfortheimmortalingredient。Hisdecisionwasthatitwasconspicuousbyitsabsence。
　　TheerstwhileMajorhadbeenfounddeadonadarkstreetandbroughtbycuriousandennuiedcitizenstothedrugstore。Thelatehumanbeinghadbeenengagedinterrificbattle——thedetailsshowedthat。Loaferandreprobatethoughhehadbeen，hehadbeenalsoawarrior。Buthehadlost。Hishandswereyetclinchedsotightlythathisfingerswouldnotbeopened。Thegentlecitizenswhohadknowhimstoodaboutandsearchedtheirvocabulariestofindsomegoodwords，ifitwerepossible，tospeakofhim。
　　Onekind-lookingmansaid，aftermuchthought：“When”Cas”wasaboutfo”teenhewasoneofthebestspellersinschool。”
　　WhileIstoodtherethefingersoftherighthandof“themanthatwas“whichhungdownthesideofawhitepinebox，relaxed，anddroppedsomethingatmyfeet。Icovereditwithonefootquietly，andalittlelateronIpickeditupandpocketedit。Ireasonedthatinhislaststrugglehishandmusthaveseizedthatobjectunwittinglyandhelditinadeathgrip。
　　Atthehotelthatnightthemaintopicofconversation，withthepossibleexceptionsofpoliticsandprohibition，wasthedemiseofMajorCaswell。Iheardonemansaytoagroupoflisteners：
　　“Inmyopinion，gentlemen，Caswellwasmurderedbysommeoftheseno-accountniggersforhismoney。Hehadfiftydollarsthisafternoonwhichheshowedtoseveralgentlemeninthehotel。Whenhewasfoundthemoneywasnotonhisperson。”
　　Ileftthecitythenextmorningatnine，andasthetrainwascrossingthebridgeovertheCumberlandRiverItookoutofmypocketayellowhornovercoatbuttonthesizeofafifty-centpiece，withfrayedendsofcoarsetwinehangingfromit，andcastitoutofthewindowintotheslow，muddywatersbelow。
　　_Iwonderwhat”sdoinginBuffalo！_
　　XIV
　　PSYCHEANDTHEPSKYSCRAPER
　　Ifyouareaphilosopheryoucandothisthing：youcangotothetopofahighbuilding，lookdownuponyourfellow-men300feetbelow，anddespisethemasinsects。Liketheirresponsibleblackwaterbugsonsummerponds，theycrawlandcircleandhustleaboutidioticallywithoutaimorpurpose。Theydonotevenmovewiththeadmirableintelligenceofants，forantsalwaysknowwhentheyaregoinghome。Theantisofalowlystation，buthewilloftenreachhomeandgethisslippersonwhileyouareleftatyourelevatedstation。
　　Man，then，tothehousetoppedphilosopher，appearstobebutacreeping，contemptiblebeetle。Brokers，poets，millionaires，bootblacks，beauties，hod-carriersandpoliticiansbecomelittleblackspecksdodgingbiggerblackspecksinstreetsnowiderthanyourthumb。
　　Fromthishighviewthecityitselfbecomesdegradedtoanunintelligiblemassofdistortedbuildingsandimpossibleperspectives；thereveredoceanisaduckpond；theearthitselfalostgolfball。Alltheminutiaeoflifearegone。
　　Thephilosophergazesintotheinfiniteheavensabovehim，andallowshissoultoexpandtotheinfluenceofhisnewview。HefeelsthatheistheheirtoEternityandthechildofTime。Space，too，shouldbehisbytherightofhisimmortalheritage，andhethrillsatthethoughtthatsomedayhiskindshalltraversetheosemysteriousaerialroadsbetweenplanetandplanet。ThetinyworldbeneathhisfeetuponwhichthistoweringstructureofsteelrestsasaspeckofdustuponaHimalayanmountain——itisbutoneofacountlessnumberofsuchwhirlingatoms。Whataretheambitions，theachievements，thepaltryconquestsandlovesofthoserestlessblackinsectsbelowcomparedwiththesereneandawfulimmensityoftheuniversethatliesaboveandaroundtheirinsignificantcity？
　　Itisguaranteedthatthephilosopherwillhavethesethoughts。
　　Theyhavebeenexpresslycompiledfromthephilosophiesoftheworldandsetdownwiththeproperinterrogationpointattheendofthemtorepresenttheinvariablemusingsofdeepthinkersonhighplaces。Andwhenthephilosophertakestheelevatordownhismindisbroader，hisheartisatpeace，andhisconceptionofthecosmogonyofcreationisaswideasthebuckleofOrion”ssummerbelt。
　　ButifyournamehappenedtobeDaisy，andyouworkedinanEighthAvenuecandystoreandlivedinalittlecoldhallbedroom，fivefeetbyeight，andearned$6perweek，andateten-centlunchesandwerenineteenyearsold，andgotupat6：30andworkedtill9，andneverhadstudiedphilosophy，maybethingswouldn”tlookthatwaytoyoufromthetopofaskyscraper。
　　TwosighedforthehandofDaisy，theunphilosophical。OnewasJoe，whokeptthesmalleststoreinNewYork。Itwasaboutthesizeofatool-boxoftheD。P。W。，andwasstucklikeaswallow”snestagainstacornerofadown-townskyscraper。Itsstockconsistedoffruit，candies，newspapers，songbooks，cigarettes，andlemonadeinseason。WhensternwintershookhiscongealedlocksandJoehadtomovehimselfandthefruitinside，therewasexactlyroominthestorefortheproprietor，hiswares，astovethesizeofavinegarcruet，andonecustomer。
　　Joewasnotofthenationthatkeepsusforeverinafurorewithfuguesandfruit。HewasacapableAmericanyouthwhowaslayingbymoney，andwantedDaisytohelphimspendit。Threetimeshehadaskedher。
　　“Igotmoneysavedup，Daisy，“washislovesong；“andyouknowhowbadIwantyou。Thatstoreofmineain”tverybig，but”
　　“Oh，ain”tit？“wouldbetheantiphonyoftheunphilosophicalone。
　　“Why，IheardWanamaker”swastryingtogetyoutosubletpartofyourfloorspacetothemfornextyear。”
　　DaisypassedJoe”scornereverymorningandevening。
　　“Hello，Two-by-Four！“washerusualgreeting。“Seemstomeyourstorelooksemptier。Youmusthavesoldapackofchewinggum。”
　　Ain”tmuchroominhere，sure，“Joewouldanswer，withhisslowgrin，“exceptforyou，Daise。Meandthestorearewaitin”foryouwheneveryou”lltakeus。Don”tyouthinkyoumightbeforelong？“
　　“Store！“——afinescornwasexpressedbyDaisy”suptiltednose——
　　“sardinebox！Waitin”forme，yousay？Gee！you”dhavetothrowoutaboutahundredpoundsofcandybeforeIcouldgetinsideofit，Joe。”
　　“Iwouldn”tmindanevenswaplikethat，“saidJoe，complimentary。
　　Daisy”sexistencewaslimitedineveryway。Shehadtowalksidewaysbetweenthecounterandtheshelvesinthecandystore。
　　Inherownhallbedroomcozinesshadbeencarriedclosetocohesiveness。ThewallsweresoneartooneanotherthatthepaperonthemmadeaperfectBabelofnoise。Shecouldlightthegaswithonehandandclosethedoorwiththeotherwithouttakinghereyesoffthereflectionofherbrownpompadourinthemirror。ShehadJoe”spictureinagiltframeonthedresser，andsometimes——buthernextthoughtwouldalwaysbeofJoe”sfunnylittlestoretackedlikeasoapboxtothecornerofthatgreatbuilding，andawaywouldgohersentimentinabreezeoflaughter。
　　Daisy”sothersuitorfollowedJoebyseveralmonths。Hecametoboardinthehousewhereshelived。HisnamewasDabster，andhewasaphilosopher。Thoughyoung，attainmentsstoodoutuponhimlikecontinentallabelsonaPassaicN。J。suit-case。
　　Knowledgehehadkidnappedfromcyclopediasandhandbooksofusefulinformation；butasforwisdom，whenshepassedhewasleftsnifflingintheroadwithoutsomuchasthenumberofhermotorcar。Hecouldandwouldtellyoutheproportionofwaterandmuscle-makingpropertiesofpeasandveal，theshortestverseintheBible，thenumberofpoundsofshinglenailsrequiredtofasten256shingleslaidfourinchestotheweather，thepopulationofKankakee，Ill。，thetheoriesofSpinoza，thenameofMr。H。McKayTwombly”ssecondhallfootman，thelengthoftheHoosacTunnel，thebesttimetosetahen，thesalaryoftherailwaypost-officemessengerbetweenDriftwoodandRedBankFurnace，Pa。，andthenumberofbonesintheforelegofacat。
　　TheweightoflearningwasnohandicaptoDabster。Hisstatisticswerethesprigsofparsleywithwhichhegarnishedthefeastofsmalltalkthathewouldsetbeforeyouifheconceivedthattobeyourtaste。Andagainheusedthemasbreastworksinforagingattheboardinghouse。Firingatyouavolleyoffiguresconcerningtheweightofalinealfootofbar-iron5x23/4inches，andtheaverageannualrainfallatFortSnelling，Minn。，hewouldtransfixwithhisforkthebestpieceofchickenonthedishwhileyouweretryingtorallysufficientlytoaskhimweaklywhydoesahencrosstheroad。
　　Thus，brightlyarmed，andfurtherequippedwithameasureofgoodlooks，ofahair-oily，shopping-district-at-three-in-the-afternoonkind，itseemsthatJoe，oftheLilliputianemporium，hadarivalworthyofhissteel。
　　ButJoecarriednosteel。Therewouldn”thavebeenroominhisstoretodrawitifhehad。
　　OneSaturdayafternoon，aboutfouro”clock，DaisyandMr。DabsterstoppedbeforeJoe”sbooth。Dabsterworeasilkhat，and——well，Daisywasawoman，andthathathadnochancetogetbackinitsboxuntilJoehadseenit。Astickofpineapplechewinggumwastheostensibleobjectofthecall。Joesupplieditthroughtheopensideofhisstore。Hedidnotpaleorfalteratsightofthehat。
　　“Mr。Dabster”sgoingtotakemeontopofthebuildingtoobservetheview，“saidDaisy，aftershehadintroducedheradmirers。“I
　　neverwasonaskyscraper。Iguessitmustbeawfullyniceandfunnyupthere。”
　　“H”m！“saidJoe。
　　“Thepanorama，“saidMr。Dabster，“exposedtothegazefromthetopofaloftybuildingisnotonlysublime，butinstructive。MissDaisyhasadecidedpleasureinstoreforher。”
　　“It”swindyupthere，too，aswellashere，“saidJoe。“Areyoudressedwarmenough，Daise？“
　　“Surething！I”malllined，“saidDaisy，smilingslylyathiscloudedbrow。“Youlookjustlikeamummyinacase，Joe。Ain”tyoujustputinaninvoiceofapintofpeanutsoranotherapple？Yourstocklooksawfulover-stocked。”
　　Daisygiggledatherfavoritejoke；andJoehadtosmilewithher。
　　“Yourquartersaresomewhatlimited，Mr——er——er，“remarkedDabster，“incomparisonwiththesizeofthisbuilding。I
　　understandtheareaofitssidetobeabout340by100feet。
　　ThatwouldmakeyouoccupyaproportionatespaceasifhalfofBeloochistanwereplaceduponaterritoryaslargeastheUnitedStateseastoftheRockyMountains，withtheProvinceofOntarioandBelgiumadded。”
　　“Isthatso，sport？“saidJoe，genially。“YouareWeisenheimeronfigures，allright。Howmanysquarepoundsofbaledhaydoyouthinkajackasscouldeatifhestoppedbrayin”longenoughtokeepstillaminuteandfiveeighths？“
　　AfewminuteslaterDaisyandMr。Dabstersteppedfromanelevatortothetopflooroftheskyscraper。Thenupashort，steepstairwayandoutupontheroof。Dabsterledhertotheparapetsoshecouldlookdownattheblackdotsmovinginthestreetbelow。
　　“Whatarethey？“sheasked，trembling。Shehadneverbeforebeenonaheightlikethisbefore。
　　AndthenDabstermustneedsplaythephilosopheronthetower，andconducthersoulforthtomeettheimmensityofspace。
　　“Bipeds，“hesaid，solemnly。“Seewhattheybecomeevenatthesmallelevationof340feet——merecrawlinginsectsgoingtoandfroatrandom。”
　　“Oh，theyain”tanythingofthekind，“exclaimedDaisy，suddenly——
　　“they”refolks！Isawanautomobile。Oh，gee！arewethathighup？“
　　“Walkoverthisway，“saidDabster。
　　Heshowedherthegreatcitylyinglikeanorderlyarrayoftoysfarbelow，starredhereandthere，earlyasitwas，bythefirstbeaconlightsofthewinterafternoon。Andthenthebayandseatothesouthandeastvanishingmysteriouslyintothesky。
　　“Idon”tlikeit，“declaredDaisy，withtroubledblueeyes。“Saywegodown。”
　　Butthephilosopherwasnottobedeniedhisopportunity。Hewouldletherbeholdthegrandeurofhismind，thehalf-nelsonhehadontheinfinite，andthememoryhehadforstatistics。AndthenshewouldnevermorebecontenttobuychewinggumaatthesmalleststoreinNewYork。Andsohebegantoprateofthesmallnessofhumanaffairs，andhowthatevensoslightaremovalfromearthmademanandhisworkslooklikeonetenthpartofadollarthricecomputed。AndthatoneshouldconsiderthesiderealsystemandthemaximsofEpictetusandbecomforted。
　　“Youdon”tcarrymewithyou，“saidDaisy。“Say，Ithinkit”sawfultobeupsohighthatfolkslooklikefleas。OneofthemwesawmighthavebeenJoe。Why，Jiminy！wemightaswellbeinNewJersey！Say，I”mafraiduphere！“
　　Thephilosophersmiledfatuously。
　　“Theearth，“saidhe，“isitselfonlyasagrainofwheatinspace。
　　Lookupthere。”
　　Daisygazedupwardapprehensively。Theshortdaywasspentandthestarswerecomingoutabove。
　　“Yonderstar，“saidDabster，“isVenus，theeveningstar。Sheis66，000，000milesfromthesun。”
　　“Fudge！“saidDaisy，withabriefflashofspirit，“wheredoyouthinkIcomefrom——Brooklyn？SusiePrice，inourstore——herbrothersentheratickettogotoSanFrancisco——that”sonlythreethousandmiles。”
　　Thephilosophersmiledindulgently。
　　“Ourworld，“hesaid，“is91，000，000milesfromthesun。Thereareeighteenstarsofthefirstmagnitudethatare211，000timesfurtherfromusthanthesunis。Ifoneofthemshouldbeextinguisheditwouldbethreeyearsbeforewewouldseeitslightgoout。Therearesixthousandstarsofthesixthmagnitude。Ittakesthirty-sixyearsforthelightofoneofthemtoreachtheearth。Withaneighteen-foottelescopewecansee43，000，000
　　stars，includingthoseofthethirteenthmagnitude，whoselighttakes2，700yearstoreachus。Eachofthesestars”
　　“You”relyin”，“criedDaisy，angrily。“You”retryin”toscareme。
　　Andyouhave；Iwanttogodown！“
　　Shestampedherfoot。
　　“Arcturus”beganthephilosopher，soothingly，buthewasinterruptedbyademonstrationoutofthevastnessofthenaturethathewasendeavoringtoportraywithhismemoryinsteadofhisheart。Fortotheheart-expounderofnaturethestarsweresetinthefirmamentexpresslytogivesoftlighttoloverswanderinghappilybeneaththem；andifyoustandtiptoesomeSeptembernightwithyoursweetheartonyourarmyoucanalmosttouchthemwithyourhand。Threeyearsfortheirlighttoreachus，indeed！
　　Outofthewestleapedameteor，lightingtheroofoftheskyscraperalmosttomidday。Itsfieryparabolawaslimnedagainsttheskytowardtheeast。Ithissedasitwent，andDaisyscreamed。
　　“Takemedown，“shecried，vehemently，“you——youmentalarithmetic！“
　　Dabstergothertotheelevator，andinsideofit。Shewaswild-
　　eyed，andsheshudderedwhentheexpressmadeitsdebilitatingdrop。
　　Outsidetherevolvingdooroftheskyscraperthephilosopherlosther。Shevanished；andhestood，bewildered，withoutfiguresorstatisticstoaidhim。
　　Joehadalullintrade，andbysquirmingamonghisstocksucceededinlightingacigaretteandgettingonecoldfootagainsttheattenuatedstove。
　　Thedoorwasburstopen，andDaisy，laughing，crying，scatteringfruitandcandies，tumbledintohisarms。
　　“Oh，Joe，I”vebeenupontheskyscraper。Ain”titcozyandwarmandhomelikeinhere！I”mreadyforyou，Joe，wheneveryouwantme。”
　　XV
　　ABIRDOFBAGDAD
　　WithoutadoubtmuchofthespiritandgeniusoftheCaliphHarunAlRashiddescendedtotheMargraveAugustMichaelvonPaulsenQuigg。
　　Quigg”srestaurantisinFourthAvenue——thatstreetthatthecityseemstohaveforgotteninitsgrowth。FourthAvenue——bornandbredintheBowery——staggersnorthwardfullofgoodresolutions。
　　WhereitcrossesFourteenthStreetitstrutsforabriefmomentproudlyintheglareofthemuseumsandcheaptheatres。Itmayyetbecomeafitmateforitshigh-bornsisterboulevardtothewest，oritsroaring，polyglot，broad-waistedcousintotheeast。ItpassesUnionSquare；andherethehoofsofthedrayhorsesseemtothunderinunison，recallingthetreadofmarchinghosts——Hooray！Butnowcomethesilentandterriblemountains——buildingssquareasforts，highastheclouds，shuttingoutthesky，wherethousandsofslavesbendoverdesksallday。Onthegroundfloorsareonlylittlefruitshopsandlaundriesandbookshops，whereyouseecopiesof“Littell”sLivingAge“andG。W。M。Reynold”snovelsinthewindows。
　　Andnext——poorFourthAvenue！——thestreetglidesintoamediaevalsolitude。Oneachsideareshopsdevotedto“Antiques。”
　　Letussayitisnight。Meninrustyarmorstandinthewindowsandmenacethehurryingcarswithraised，rustyirongauntlets。
　　Hauberksandhelms，blunderbusses，Cromwellianbreastplates，matchlocks，creeses，andtheswordsanddaggersofanarmyofdead-and-gonegallantsgleamdullyintheghostlylight。HereandtherefromacornersaloonlitwithJack-o”-lanternsorphosphorus，staggerforthshuddering，home-boundcitizens，nervedbythetankardswithintotheirfearsomejourneyadownthateldrichavenuelinedwiththebloodstainedweaponsofthefightingdead。Whatstreetcouldliveinclosedbythesemortuaryrelics，andtrodbythesespectralcitizensinwhosesunkenheartsscarceonegoodwhooportra-la-laremained？
　　NotFourthAvenue。NotafterthetinselbutenliveninggloriesoftheLittleRialto——notaftertheechoingdrum-beatsofUnionSquare。
　　Thereneedbenotears，ladiesandgentlemen；”tisbutthesuicideofastreet。WithashriekandacrashFourthAvenuedivesheadlongintothetunnelatThirty-fourthandisneverseenagain。
　　Nearthesadsceneofthethoroughfare”sdissolutionstoodthemodestrestaurantofQuigg。Itstandsthereyetifyoucaretoviewitscrumblingred-brickfront，itsshowwindowheapedwithoranges，tomatoes，layercakes，pies，cannedasparagus——itspapier-m^ach”elobsterandtwoMaltesekittensasleeponabunchoflettuce——ifyoucaretositatoneofthelittletablesuponwhoseclothhasbeentracedintheyellowestofcoffeestainsthetrailoftheJapaneseadvance——tosittherewithoneeyeonyourumbrellaandtheotheruponthebogusbottlefromwhichyoudropthecounterfeitsaucefoisteduponusbythecursedcharlatanwhoassumestobeourdearoldlordandfriend，the“NoblemaninIndia。”
　　Quigg”stitlecamethroughhismother。OneofherancestorswasaMargravineofSaxony。HisfatherwasaTammanybrave。OnaccountofthedilutionofhisheredityhefoundthathecouldneitherbecomeareigningpotentatenorgetajobintheCityHall。Soheopenedarestaurant。Hewasamanfullofthoughtandreading。
　　Thebusinessgavehimaliving，thoughhegaveitlittleattention。
　　Onesideofhishousebequeathedtohimapoeticandromanticadventure。Theotherhavehimtherestlessspiritthatmadehimseekadventure。BydayhewasQuigg，therestaurateur。BynighthewastheMargrave——theCaliph——thePrinceofBohemia——goingaboutthecityinsearchoftheodd，themysterious，theinexplicable，therecondite。
　　Onenightat9，atwhichhourtherestaurantclosed，Quiggsetforthuponhisquest。Therewasaminglingoftheforeign，themilitaryandtheartisticinhisappearanceashebuttonedhiscoathighupunderhisshort-trimmedbrownandgraybeardandturnedwestwardtowardthemorecentrallifeconduitsofthecity。Inhispockethehadstoredanassortmentofcards，writtenupon，withoutwhichheneverstirredoutofdoors。Eachofthosecardswasgoodathisownrestaurantforitsfacevalue。Somecalledsimplyforabowlofsouporsandwichesandcoffee；othersentitledtheirbearertoone，two，threeormoredaysoffullmeals；afewwereforsingleregularmeals；averyfewwere，ineffect，mealticketsgoodforaweek。
　　OfrichesandpowerMargraveQuigghadnone；buthehadaCaliph”sheart——itmaybeforgivenhimifhisheadfellshortofthemeasureofHarunAlRashid”s。PerhapssomeofthegoldpiecesinBagdadhadputlesswarmthandhopeintothecomplainantsamongthebazaarsthanhadQuigg”sbeefstewamongthefishermenandone-eyedcalendersofManhattan。
　　Continuinghisprogressinsearchofromancetodiverthim，orofdistressthathemightaid，Quiggbecameawareofafast-
　　gatheringcrowdthatwhoopedandfoughtandeddiedatacornerofBroadwayandthecrosstownstreetthathewastraversing。
　　Hurryingtothespothebeheldayoungmanofanexceedinglymelancholyandpreoccupieddemeanorengagedinthepastimeofcastingsilvermoneyfromhispocketsinthemiddleofthestreet。Witheachmotionofthegenerousone”shandthecrowdhuddleduponthefallinglargessewithyellsofjoy。Trafficwassuspended。Apolicmaninthecentreofthemobstoopedoftentothegroundasheurgedtheblockaderstomoveon。
　　TheMargravesawataglancethatherewasfoodforhishungerafterknowledgeconcerningabnormalworkingofthehumanheart。
　　Hemadehiswayswiftlytotheyoungman”ssideandtookhisarm。
　　“Comewithmeatonce，“hesaid，inthelowbutcommandingvoicethathiswaitershadlearnedtofear。
　　“Pinched，“remarkedtheyoungman，lookingupathimwithexpressionlesseyes。“Pinchedbyapainlessdentist。Takemeaway，flatty，andgivemegas。Somelayeggsandsomelaynone。
　　Whenisahen？“
　　Stilldeeplyseizedbysomeinwardgrief，buttractable，heallowedQuiggtoleadhimawayanddownthestreettoalittlepark。
　　There，seatedonabench，heuponwhomacornerofthegreatCaliph”smantlehasdescended，spakewithkindnessanddiscretion，seekingtoknowwhatevilhadcomeupontheother，disturbinghissoulanddrivinghimtosuchill-consideredandruinouswasteofhissubstanceandstores。
　　“IwasdoingtheMonteCristoactasadaptedbyPompton，N。J。，wasn”tI？“askedtheyoungman。
　　“Youwerethrowingsmallcoinsintothestreetforthepeopletoscrambleafter，“saidtheMargrave。
　　“That”sit。Youbuyallthebeeryoucanhold，andthenyouthrowchickenfeedto——Oh，cursethatwordchicken，andhens，feathers，roosters，eggs，andeverythingconnectedwithit！“
　　“Youngsir，“saidtheMargravekindly，butwithdignity，“thoughI
　　donotaskyourconfidence，Iinviteit。IknowtheworldandI
　　knowhumanity。Manismystudy，thoughIdonoteyehimasthescientisteyesabeetleorasthephilanthropistgazesattheobjectsofhisbounty——throughaveiloftheoryandignorance。Itismypleasureanddistractiontointerestmyselfinthepeculiarandcomplicatedmisfortunesthatlifeinagreatcityvisitsuponmyfellow-men。Youmaybefamiliarwiththehistoryofthatgloriousandimmortalruler，theCaliphHarunAlRashid，whosewiseandbeneficentexcursionsamonghispeopleinthecityofBagdadsecuredhimtheprivilegeofrelievingsomuchoftheirdistress。
　　InmyhumblewayIwalkinhisfootsteps。Iseekforromanceandadventureincitystreets——notinruinedcastlesorincrumblingpalaces。Tomethegreatestmarvelsofmagicarethosethattakeplaceinmen”sheartswhenacteduponbythefuriousanddiverseforcesofacrowdedpopulation。InyourstrangebehaviorthiseveningIfancyastorylurks。Ireadinyouractsomethingdeeperthanthewantonwastefulnessofaspendthrift。Iobserveinyourcountenancethecertaintracesofconsuminggriefordespair。I
　　repeat——Iinviteyourconfidence。Iamnotwithoutsomepowertoalleviateandadvise。Willyounottrustme？“
　　“Gee，howyoutalk！“exclaimedtheyoungman，agleamofadmirationsupplantingforamomentthedullsadnessofhiseyes。“You”vegottheAstorLibraryskinnedtoasynopsisofprecedingchapters。
　　ImindthatoldTurkyouspeakof。Iread”TheArabianNights”
　　whenIwasakid。HewasakindofBillDeveryandCharlieSchwabrolledintoone。But，say，youmightwaveenchanteddishragsandmakecopperbottlessmokeupcoongiantsallnightwithoutevertouchingme。Mycasewon”tyieldtothatkindoftreatment。”
　　“IfIcouldhearyourstory，“saidtheMargrave，withhislofty，serioussmile。
　　“I”llspielitinaboutninewords，“saidtheyoungman，withadeepsigh，“butIdon”tthinkyoucanhelpmeany。Unlessyou”reapeachatguessingit”sbacktotheBosphorousforyouonyourmagiclinoleum。”
　　THESTORYOFTHEYOUNGMANANDTHEHARNESSMAKER”SRIDDLE
　　“IworkinHildebrant”ssaddleandharnessshopdowninGrantStreet。I”veworkedtherefiveyears。Iget$18aweek。That”senoughtomarryon，ain”tit？Well，I”mnotgoingtogetmarried。
　　OldHildebrantisoneofthesefunnyDutchmen——youknowthekind——alwaysgettingoffbumjokes。He”sgotaboutamillionriddlesandthingsthathefakedfromRogersBrothers”great-
　　grandfather。BillWatsonworksthere，too。MeandBillhavetostandforthemchestnutsdayafterday。Whydowedoit？Well，jobsain”ttobepickedoffeveryAnheuserbush——Andthenthere”sLaura。
　　“What？Theoldman”sdaughter。Comesintheshopeveryday。
　　Aboutnineteen，andthepictureoftheblondethatsitsonthepalisadesoftheRhineandcharmstheclam-diggersintothesurf。
　　Hairthecolorofstrawmatting，andeyesasblackandshinyasthebestharnessblacking——thinkofthat！
　　“Me？well，it”seithermeorBillWatson。Shetreatsusbothequal。
　　Billisalltothepsychopathicabouther；andme？——well，yousawmeplatingtheroadbedoftheGreatMaroonWaywithsilverto-
　　night。ThatwasonaccountofLaura。Iwasspiflicated，YourHighness，andIwotnotofwhatIwouldst。
　　“How？Why，oldHildebrandtsaytomeandBillthisafternoon：”Boys，oneriddlehaveIforyougehabthaben。Ayoungmanwhocannotriddlesantworten，heisnotsogoodbybusinessforeinfamilytoprovide——isnotthat——hein？”Andhehandsusariddle——
　　aconundrum，somecallsit——andhechucklesinteriorlyandgivesbothofustillto-morrowmorningtoworkouttheanswertoit。
　　Andhesayswhicheverofusguessesthereparteeendofitgoestohishouseo”Wednesdaynighttohisdaughter”sbirthdayparty。
　　AnditmeansLauraforwhicheverofusgoes，forshe”snaturallyachingforahusband，andit”seithermeorBillWatson，foroldHildebrantlikesusboth，andwantshertomarrysomebodythat”llcarryonthebusinessafterhe”sstitchedhislastpairoftraces。
　　“Theriddle？Why，itwasthis：”Whatkindofahenlaysthelongest？Thinkofthat！Whatkindofahenlaysthelongest？
　　Ain”titlikeaDutchmantoriskaman”shappinessonafoolpropositionlikethat？Now，what”stheuse？WhatIdon”tknowabouthenswouldfillseveralincubators。Yousayyou”regivingimitationsoftheoldArabguythatgaveaway——librariesinBagdad。
　　Well，now，canyouwhistleupafairythat”llsolvethishenquery，ornot？“
　　WhentheyoungmanceasedtheMargravearoseandpacedtoandfrobytheparkbenchforseveralminutes。Finallyhesatagain，andsaid，ingraveandimpressivetones：
　　“Imustconfess，sir，thatduringtheeightyearsthatIhavespentinsearchofadventureandinrelievingdistressIhaveneverencounteredamoreinterestingoramoreperplexingcase。IfearthatIhaveoverlookedhensinmyresearchesandobservations。Astotheirhabits，theirtimesandmanneroflaying，theirmanyvarietiesandcross-breedings，theirspanoflife，their”
　　“Oh，don”tmakeanIbsendramaofit！“interruptedtheyoungman，flippantly。“Riddles——especiallyoldHildebrant”sriddles——don”thavetobeworkedoutseriously。TheyarelightthemessuchasSimFordandHarryThurstonPeckliketohandle。But，somehow，Ican”tstrikejusttheanswer。BillWatsonmay，andhemaynot。
　　To-morrowwilltell。Well，YourMajesty，I”mgladanyhowthatyoubuttedinandwhiledthetimeaway。IguessMr。AlRashidhimselfwouldhavebouncedbackifoneofhisconstituentshadconductedhimupagainstthisriddle。I”llsaygoodnight。Peacefo”yours，andwhat-you-may-call-itsofAllah。”
　　TheMargrave，stillwithagloomyair，heldouthishand。
　　“Icannotexppressmyregret，“hesaid，sadly。“NeverbeforehaveIfoundmyselfunabletoassistinsomeway。”Whatkindofahenlaysthelongest？Itisabafflingproblem。Thereisahen，I
　　believe，calledthePlymouthRockthat”
　　“Cutitout，“saidtheyoungman。“TheCaliphtradeisamightyseriousone。Idon”tsupposeyou”devenseeanythingfunnyinapreacher”sdefenseofJohnD。Rockefeller。Well，goodnight，YourNibs。”
　　FromhabittheMargravebegantofumbleinhispockets。Hedrewforthacardandhandedittotheyoungman。
　　“Domethefavortoacceptthis，anyhow，“hesaid。“Thetimemaycomewhenitmightbeofusetoyou。”
　　“Thanks！“saidtheyoungman，pocketingitcarelessly。“MynameisSimmons。”
　　******
　　Shametohimwhowouldhintthatthereader”sinterestshallaltogetherpursuetheMargraveAugustMichaelvonPaulsenQuigg。Iamindeedastrayifmyhandfailinkeepingthewaywheremyperuser”sheartwouldfollow。Thenletus，onthemorrow，peepquicklyinatthedoorofHildebrant，harnessmaker。
　　Hildebrant”s200poundsreposedonabench，silverbucklingarawleathermartingale。
　　BillWatsoncameinfirst。
　　“Vell，“saidHildebrant，shakingalloverwiththevileconceitofthejoke-maker，“hafyouguessedhim？”Vatkindofahenlaysderlongest？”“
　　“Er——why，Ithinkso，“saidBill，rubbingaservilechin。“Ithinkso，Mr。Hildebrant——theonethatlivesthelongest——Isthatright？“
　　“Nein！“saidHildebrant，shakinghisheadviolently。“Youhafnotguessedderanswer。”
　　Billpassedonanddonnedabed-tickapronandbachelorhood。
　　IncametheyoungmanoftheArabianNight”sfiasco——pale，melancholy，hopeless。
　　“Vell，“saidHildebrant，“hafyouguessedhim？”Vatkindofahenlaysderlongest？”“
　　Simmonsregardedhimwithdullsavageryinhiseye。Shouldhecursethismountainofpernicioushumor——cursehimanddie？
　　Whyshould——ButtherewasLaura。
　　Dogged，speechless，hethrusthishandsintohiscoatpocketsandstood。HishandencounteredthestrangetouchoftheMargrave”scard。Hedrewitoutandlookedatit，asmenabouttobehangedlookatacrawlingfly。TherewaswrittenonitinQuigg”sbold，roundhand：“Goodforoneroastchickentobearer。”
　　Simmonslookedupwithaflashingeye。
　　“Adeadone！“saidhe。
　　“Goot！“roaredHildebrant，rockingthetablewithgiantglee。“Dotisright！Yougomeatminehouseat8o”clocktoderparty。”
　　XVI
　　COMPLIMENTSOFTHESEASON
　　TherearenomoreChristmasstoriestowrite。Fictionisexhausted；
　　andnewspaperitems，thenextbest，aremanufacturedbycleveryoungjournalistswhohavemarriedearlyandhaveanengaginglypessimisticviewoflife。Therefore，forseasonablediversion，wearereducedtoveryquestionablesources——factsandphilosophy。
　　Wewillbeginwith——whicheveryouchoosetocallit。
　　Childrenarepestilentiallittleanimalswithwhichwehavetocopeunderabewilderingvarietyofconditions。Especiallywhenchildishsorrowsoverwhelmthemareweputtoourwits”end。Weexhaustourpaltrystoreofconsolation；andthenbeatthem，sobbing，tosleep。Thenwegrovelinthedustofamillionyears，andaskGodwhy。Thuswecalloutoftherat-trap。Asforthechildren，nooneunderstandsthemexceptoldmaids，hunchbacks，andshepherddogs。
　　NowcomesthefactsinthecaseoftheRag-Doll，theTatterdemalion，andtheTwenty-fifthofDecember。
　　OnthetenthofthatmonththeChildoftheMillionairelostherrag-doll。ThereweremanyservantsintheMillionaire”spalaceontheHudson，andtheseransackedthehouseandgrounds，butwithoutfindingthelosttreasure。Thechildwasagirloffive，andoneofthoseperverselittlebeaststhatoftenwoundthesensibilitiesofwealthyparentsbyfixingtheiraffectionsuponsomevulgar，inexpensivetoyinsteadofupondiamond-studdedautomobilesandponyphaetons。
　　TheChildgrievedsorelyandtruly，athinginexplicabletotheMillionaire，towhomtherag-dollmarketwasaboutasinterestingasBayStateGas；andtotheLady，theChild”smother，whowasallform——thatis，nearlyall，asyoushallsee。
　　TheChildcriedinconsolably，andgrewhollow-eyed，knock-kneed，spindling，andcorykilvertyinmanyotherrespects。TheMillionairesmiledandtappedhiscoffersconfidently。ThepickoftheoutputoftheFrenchandGermantoymakerswasrushedbyspecialdeliverytothemansion；butRachelrefusedtobecomforted。Shewasweepingforherragchild，andwasforahighprotectivetariffagainstallforeignfoolishness。Thendoctorswiththefinestbedsidemannersandstop-watcheswerecalledin。Onebyonetheychatteredfutilelyaboutpeptomanganateofironandseavoyagesandhypophosphitesuntiltheirstop-watchesshowedthatBillRenderedwasunderthewireforshoworplace。Then，asmen，theyadvisedthattherag-dollbefoundassoonaspossibleandrestoredtoitsmourningparent。TheChildsniffedattherapeutics，chewedathumb，andwailedforherBetsy。AndallthistimecablegramswerecomingfromSantaClaussayingthathewouldsoonbehereandenjoiningustoshowatrueChristianspiritandletuponthepool-roomsandtontinepoliciesandplatoonsystemslongenoughtogivehimawelcome。EverywherethespiritofChristmaswasdiffusingitself。
　　Thebankswererefusingloans，thepawn-brokershaddoubledtheirgangofhelpers，peoplebumpedyourshinsonthestreetswithredsleds，ThomasandJeremiahbubbledbeforeyouonthebarswhileyouwaitedononefoot，holly-wreathsofhospitalitywerehunginwindowsofthestores，theywhohad”emweregettingtheirfurs。Youhardlyknewwhichwasthebestbetinballs——three，high，moth，orsnow。
　　Itwasnotimeatwhichtolosetherag-dolloryourheart。
　　IfDoctorWatson”sinvestigatingfriendhadbeencalledintosolvethismysteriousdisappearancehemighthaveobservedontheMillionaire”swallacopyof“TheVampire。”Thatwouldhavequicklysuggested，byinduction，“Aragandaboneandahankofhair。”“Flip，“aScotchterrier，nexttotherag-dollintheChild”sheart，friskedthroughthehalls。Thehankofhair！Aha！X，theunfoundquantity，representedtherag-doll。But，thebone？Well，whendogsfindbonesthey——Done！ItwereaneasyandafruitfultasktoexamineFlip”sforefeet。Look，Watson！Earth——driedearthbetweenthetoes。Ofcourse，thedog——butSherlockwasnotthere。
　　Thereforeitdevolves。Buttopographyandarchitecturemustintervene。
　　TheMillionaire”spalaceoccupiedalordlyspace。Infrontofitwasalawnclose-mowedasaSouthIrelandman”sfacetwodaysafterashave。Atonesideofit，andfrontingonanotherstreetwasapleasuancetrimmedtoaleaf，andthegarageandstables。TheScotchpuphadravishedtherag-dollfromthenursery，draggedittoacornerofthelawn，dugahole，andburieditafterthemannerofcarelessundertakers。Thereyouhavethemysterysolved，andnocheckstowriteforthehypodermicalwizardoffi”-punnotestotosstothesergeant。Thenlet”sgetdowntotheheartofthething，tiresomereaders——theChristmasheartofthething。
　　Fuzzywasdrunk——notriotouslyorhelplesslyorloquaciously，asyouorImightget，butdecently，appropriately，andinoffensively，asbecomesagentlemandownonhisluck。
　　Fuzzywasasoldierofmisfortune。Theroad，thehaystack，theparkbench，thekitchendoor，thebitterroundofeleemosynarybeds-with-shower-bath-attachment，thepettypickingsandignoblygarneredlargesseofgreatcities——theseformedthechaptersofhishistory。
　　Fuzzywalkedtowardtheriver，downthestreetthatboundedonesideoftheMillionaire”shouseandgrounds。HesawalegofBetsy，thelostrag-doll，protruding，likethecluetoaLilliputianmurdermystery，fromitsuntimelygraveinacornerofthefence。
　　Hedraggedforththemaltreatedinfant，tuckeditunderhisarm，andwentonhiswaycrooningaroadsongofhisbrethrrenthatnodollthathasbeenbroughtuptotheshelteredlifeshouldhear。
　　WellforBetsythatshehadnoears。Andwellthatshehadnoeyessaveunseeingcirclesofblack；forthefacesofFuzzyandtheScotchterrierwerethoseofbrothers，andtheheartofnorag-dollcouldwithstandtwicetobecomethepreyofsuchfearsomemonsters。
　　Thoughyoumaynotknowit，Grogan”ssaloonstandsneartheriverandnearthefootofthestreetdownwhichFuzzytraveled。InGrogan”s，Christmascheerwasalreadyrampant。
　　Fuzzyenteredwithhisdoll。HefanciedthatasamummeratthefeastofSaturnhemightearnafewdropsfromthewassailcup。
　　HesetBetsyonthebarandaddressedherloudlyandhumorously，seasoninghisspeechwithexaggeratedcomplimentsandendearments，asoneentertaininghisladyfriend。Theloafersandbibbersaroundcaughtthefarceofit，androared。ThebartendergaveFuzzyadrink。Oh，manyofuscarryrag-dolls。
　　“Oneforthelady？“suggestedFuzzyimpudently，andtuckedanothercontributiontoArtbeneathhiswaistcoat。
　　HebegantoseepossibilitiesinBetsy。Hisfirst-nighthadbeenasuccess。Visionsofavaudevillecircuitabouttowndawneduponhim。
　　Inagroupnearthestovesat“Pigeon“McCarthy，BlackRiley，and“One-ear“Mike，wellandunfavorablyknowninthetoughshoestringdistrictthatblackenedtheleftbankoftheriver。Theypassedanewspaperbackandforthamongthemselves。Theitemthateachsolidandbluntforefingerpointedoutwasanadvertisementheaded“OneHundredDollarsReward。”Toearnitonemustreturntherag-dolllost，strayed，orstolenfromtheMillionaire”smansion。
　　Itseemedthatgriefstillravaged，unchecked，inthebosomofthetoofaithfulChild。Flip，theterrier，caperedandshookhisabsurdwhiskerbeforeher，powerlesstodistract。ShewailedforherBetsyinthefacesofwalking，talking，mama-ing，andeye-closingFrenchMabellesandViolettes。Theadvertisementwasalastresort。
　　BlackRileycamefrombehindthestoveandapproachedFuzzyinhisone-sidedparabolicway。
　　TheChristmasmummer，flushedwithsuccess，hadtuckedBetsyunderhisarm，andwasabouttodeparttothefillingofimpromptudateselsewhere。
　　“Say，”Bo，“saidBlackRileytohim，“wheredidyoucopoutdatdoll？“
　　“Thisdoll？“askedFuzzy，touchingBetsywithhisforefingertobesurethatshewastheonereferredto。hisdollwaspresentedtomebytheEmperorofBeloochistan。IhavesevenhundredothersinmycountryhomeinNewport。Thisdoll”
　　“Cheesethefunnybusiness，“saidRiley。“Youswipeditorpickeditupatdehouseondehillwhere——butneverminddat。Youwanttotakefiftycentsforderags，andtakeitquick。Mebrother”skidathomemightbewantin”toplaywidit。Hey——what？“
　　Heproducedthecoin。
　　Fuzzylaughedagurgling，insolent，alcoholiclaughinhisface。
　　GototheofficeofSarahBernhardt”smanagerandproposetohimthatshebereleasedfromanight”sperformancetoentertaintheTackytownLyceumandLiteraryCoterie。YouwillheartheduplicateofFuzzy”slaugh。
　　BlackRileygaugedFuzzyquicklywithhisblueberryeyeasawrestlerdoes。HishandwasitchingtoplaytheRomanandwresttheragSabinefromtheextemporaneousmerry-andrewwhowasentertaininganangelunaware。Butherefrained。Fuzzywasfatandsolidandbig。Threeinchesofwell-nourishedcorporeity，defendedfromthewinterwindsbydingylinen，intervenedbetweenhisvestandtrousers。Countlesssmall，circularwrinklesrunningaroundhiscoat-sleevesandkneesguaranteedthequalityofhisboneandmuscle。Hissmall，blueeyes，bathedinthemoistureofaltruismandwooziness，lookeduponyoukindly，yetwithoutabashment。Hewaswhiskerly，whiskyly，fleshilyformidable。So，BlackRileytemporized。
　　“Wot”llyoutakeforit，den？“heasked。
　　“Money，“saidFuzzy，withhuskyfirmness，“cannotbuyher。”
　　Hewasintoxicatedwiththeartist”sfirstsweetcupofattainment。
　　Tosetafaded-blue，earth-stainedrag-dollonabar，toholdmimicconversewithit，andtofindhisheartleapingwiththesenseofplauditsearnedandhisthroatscorchingwithfreelibationspouredinhishonor——couldbasecoinbuyhimfromsuchachievements？YouwillperceivethatFuzzyhadthetemperament。
　　Fuzzywalkedoutwiththegaitofatrainedsea-lioninsearchofothercaf”estoconquer。
　　Thoughtheduskoftwilightwashardlyyetapparent，lightswerebeginningtospanglethecitylikepop-cornburstinginadeepskillet。ChristmasEve，impatientlyexpected，waspeepingoverthebrinkofthehour。Millionshadpreparedforitscelebration。
　　Townswouldbepaintedred。You，yourself，haveheardthehornsanddodgedthecapersoftheSaturnalians。
　　“Pigeon“McCarthy，BlackRiley，and“One-ear“MikeheldahastyconverseoutsideGrogan”s。Theywerenarrow-chested，pallidstriplings，notfightersintheopen，butmoredangerousintheirwaysofwarfarethanthemostterribleofTurks。Fuzzy，inapitchedbattle，couldhaveeatenthethreeofthem。Inago-as-you-
　　pleaseencounterhewasalreadydoomed。
　　TheyovertookhimjustasheandBetsywereenteringCostigan”sCasino。Theydeflectedhim，andshovedthenewspaperunderhisnose。Fuzzycouldread——andmore。
　　“Boys，“saidhe，“youarecertainlydamntruefriends。Givemeaweektothinkitover。”
　　Thesoulofarealartistisquenchedwithdifficulty。
　　Theboyscarefullypointedouttohimthatadvertisementsweresoulless，andthatthedeficienciesofthedaymightnotbesuppliedbythemorrow。
　　“Acoolhundred，“saidFuzzythoughtfullyandmushily。
　　“Booys，“saidhe，“youaretruefriends。I”llgoupandclaimthereward。Theshowbusinessisnotwhatitusedtobe。”
　　Nightwasfallingmoresurely。ThethreetaggedathissidestothefootoftheriseonwhichstoodtheMillionaire”shouse。ThereFuzzyturneduponthemacrimoniously。
　　“Youareapackofputty-facedbeagle-hounds，“heroared。“Goaway。”
　　Theywentaway——alittleway。
　　In“Pigeon“McCarthy”spocketwasasectionofone-inchgas-pipeeightincheslong。Inoneendofitandinthemiddleofitwasaleadplug。One-halfofitwaspackedtightwithsolder。BlackRileycarriedaslung-shot，beingaconventionalthug。“One-ear“
　　Mikerelieduponapairofbrassknucks——anheirloominthefamily。
　　“Whyfetchandcarry，“saidBlackRiley，“whensomeonewilldoitforye？Lethimbringitouttous。Hey——what？“
　　“Wecanchuckhimintheriver，“said“Pigeon“McCarthy，“withastonetiedtohisfeet。”
　　“Youseguysmakemetired，“said“One-ear“Mikesadly。“Ain”tprogresseverappealedtononeofyez？Sprinklealittlegasolineon”im，anddrop”imontheDrive——well？“
　　FuzzyenteredtheMillionaire”sgateandzigzaggedtowardthesoftlyglowingentranceofthemansion。Thethreegoblinscameuptothegateandlingered——oneoneachsideofit，onebeyondtheroadway。Theyfingeredtheircoldmetalandleather，confident。
　　Fuzzyrangthedoor-bell，smilingfoolishlyanddreamily。Anatavisticinstrinctpromptedhimtoreachforthebuttonofhisrightglove。Butheworenogloves；sohislefthanddropped，embarrassed。
　　TheparticularmenialwhosedutyitwastoopendoorstosilksandlacesshiedatfirstsightofFuzzy。Butasecondglancetookinhispassport，hiscardofadmission，hissuretyofwelcome——thelostrag-dollofthedaughterofthehousedanglingunderhisarm。
　　Fuzzywasadmittedintoagreathall，dimwiththeglowfromunseenlights。ThehirelingwentawayandreturnedwithamaidandtheChild。Thedollwasrestoredtothemourningone。Sheclaspedherlostdarlingtoherbreast；andthen，withtheinordinateselfishnessandcandorofchildhood，stampedherfootandwhinedhatredandfearoftheodiousbeingwhohadrescuedherfromthedepthsofsorrowanddespair。Fuzzywriggledhimselfintoaningratiatoryattitudeandessayedtheidioticsmileandblatteringsmalltalkthatissupposedtocharmthebuddingintellectoftheyoung。TheChildbawled，andwasdraggedaway，huggingherBetsyclose。
　　TherecametheSecretary，pale，poised，polished，glidinginpumps，andworshippingpompandceremony。HecountedoutintoFuzzy”shandtenten-dollarbills；thendroppedhiseyeuponthedoor，transferredittoJames，itscustodian，indicatedtheobnoxiousearneroftherewardwiththeother，andallowedhispumpstowafthimawaytosecretarialregions。
　　JamesgatheredFuzzywithhisowncommandingopticandswepthimasfarasthefrontdoor。
　　Whenthemoneytouchedfuzzy”sdingypalmhisfirstinstinctwastotaketohisheels；butasecondthoughtrestrainedhimfromthatblunderofetiquette。Itwashis；ithadbeengivenhim。It——and，oh，whatanelysiumitopenedtothegazeofhismind”seye！Hehadtumbledtothefootoftheladder；hewashungry，homeless，friendless，ragged，cold，drifting；andheheldinhishandthekeytoaparadiseofthemud-honeythathecraved。Thefairydollhadwavedawandwithherrag-stuffedhand；andnowwhereverhemightgotheenchantedpalaceswithshiningfoot-restsandmagicredfluidsingleamingglasswarewouldbeopentohim。
　　HefollowedJamestothedoor。
　　Hepausedthereastheflunkydrewopenthegreatmahoganyportalforhimtopassintothevestibule。
　　Beyondthewrought-irongatesinthedarkhighwayBlackRileyandhistwopalscasuallystrolled，fingeringundertheircoatstheinevitablyfatalweaponsthatweretomaketherewardoftherag-dolltheirs。
　　FuzzystoppedattheMillionaire”sdoorandbethoughthimself。
　　Likelittlesprigsofmistletoeonadeadtree，certainlivinggreenthoughtsandmemoriesbegantodecoratehisconfusedmind。Hewasquitedrunk，mindyou，andthepresentwasbeginningtofade。Thosewreathsaandfestoonsofhollywiththeirscarletberriesmakingthegreathallgay——wherehadheseensuchthingsbefore？Somewherehehadknownpolishedfloorsandodorsoffreshflowersinwinter，and——andsomeonewassingingasonginthehousethathethoughthehadheardbefore。Someonesingingandplayingaharp。Ofcourse，itwasChristmas——Fuzzythoughhemusthavebeenprettydrunktohaveoverlookedthat。
　　Andthenhewentoutofthepresent，andtherecamebacktohimoutofsomeimpossible，vanished，andirrevocablepastalittle，pure-white，transient，forgottenghost——thespiritof_noblessoblige_。Uponagentlemancertainthingsdevolve。
　　Jamesopenedtheouterdoor。Astreamoflightwentdownthegraveledwalktotheirongate。BlackRiley，McCarthy，and“One-ear“Mikesaw，andcarelesslydrewtheirsinistercordoncloseraboutthegate。
　　WithamoreimperiousgesturethanJames”smasterhadeverusedorcouldeveruse，Fuzzycompelledthemenialtoclosethedoor。
　　Uponagentlemancertainthingsdevolve。EspeciallyattheChristmasseason。
　　“Itiscust——customary，“hesaidtoJames，theflustered，“whenagentlemancallsonChristmasEvetopassthecomplimentsoftheseasonwiththeladyofthehouse。Youund”stand？IshallnotmoveshteptillIpasscompl”mentsseasonwithladythehouse。
　　Und”stand？“
　　Therewasanargument。Jameslost。Fuzzyraisedhisvoiceandsentitthroughthehouseunpleasantly。Ididnotsayhewasagentleman。Hewassimplyatrampbeingvisitedbyaghost。
　　Asterlingsilverbellrang。Jameswentbacktoanswerit，leavingFuzzyinthehall。Jamesexplainedsomewheretosomeone。
　　ThenhecameandconductedFuzzyintothelibrary。
　　Theladyenteredamomentlater。ShewasmorebeautifulandholythananypicturethatFuzzyhadseen。Shesmiled，andsaidsomethingaboutadoll。Fuzzydidn”tunderstandthat；herememberednothingaboutadoll。
　　Afootmanbroughtintwosmallglassesofsparklingwineonastampedsterling-silverwaiter。TheLadytookone。TheotherwashandedtoFuzzy。
　　Ashisfingersclosedontheslenderglassstemhisdisabilitiesdroppedfromhimforonebriefmoment。Hestraightenedhimself；
　　andTime，sodisobligingtomostofus，turnedbackwardtoaccomodateFuzzy。
　　ForgottenChristmasghostswhiterthanthefalsebeardsofthemostopulentKrisKringlewererisinginthefumesofGrogan”swhisky。WhathadtheMillionaire”smansiontodowithalong，wainscotedVirginiahall，wheretheridersweregroupedaroundasilverpunch-bowl，drinkingtheancienttoastoftheHouse？Andwhyshouldthepatterofthecabhorses”hoofsonthefrozenstreetbeinanywiserelatedtothesoundofthesaddledhuntersstampingundertheshelterofthewestveranda？AndwhathadFuzzytodowithanyofit？
　　TheLady，lookingathimoverherglass，lethercondescendingsmilefadeawaylikeafalsedawn。Hereyesturnedserious。ShesawsomethingbeneaththeragsandScotchterrierwhiskersthatshedidnotunderstand。Butitdidnotmatter。
　　Fuzzyliftedhisglassandsmiledvacantly。
　　“P-pardon，lady，“hesaid，“butcouldn”tleavewithoutexchangin”
　　comp”mentssheasonwithladyth”house。”Gainstprinc”plesgen”lemandosho。”
　　AndthenhebegantheancientsalutationthatwasatraditionintheHousewhenmenworelacerufflesandpowder。
　　“Theblessingsofanotheryear”
　　Fuzzy”smemoryfailedhim。TheLadyprompted：
　　“——Beuponthishearth。”
　　“——Theguest”stammeredFuzzy。
　　“——Anduponherwho”continuedtheLady，withaleadingsmile。
　　“Oh，cutitout，“saidFuzzy，ill-manneredly。“Ican”tremember。
　　Drinkhearty。”
　　Fuzzyhadshothisarrow。Theydrank。TheLadysmiledagainthesmileofhercaste。Jamesenvelopedandre-conductedhimtowardthefrontdoor。Theharpmusicstillsoftlydriftedthroughthehouse。
　　Outside，BlackRileybreathedonhiscoldhandsandhuggedthegate。
　　“Iwonder，“saidtheLadytoherself，musing，“who——butthereweresomanywhocame。Iwonderwhethermemoryisacurseorablessingtothemaftertheyhavefallensolow。”
　　Fuzzyandhisescortwerenearlyatthedoor。TheLadycalled：
　　“James！“
　　Jamesstalkedbackobsequiously，leavingFuzzywaitingunsteadily，withhisbriefsparkofthedivinefiregone。
　　Outside，BlackRileystampedhiscoldfeetandgotafirmergriponhissectionofgas-pipe。
　　“Youwillconductthisgentleman，“saidthelady，“Downstairs。
　　ThentellLouistogetouttheMercedesandtakehimtowhateverplacehewishestogo。”
　　XVII
　　ANIGHTINNEWARABIA
　　ThegreatcityofBagdad-on-the-Subwayiscaliph-ridden。Itspalaces，bazaars，khans，andbywaysarethrongedwithAlRashidsindiversdisguises，seekingdiversionandvictimsfortheirunbridledgenerosity。Youcanscarcelyfindapoorbeggarwhomtheyarewillingtoletenjoyhisspoilsunsuccored，norawreckedunfortunateuponwhomtheywillnotreshowerthemeansoffreshmisfortune。Youwillhardlyfindanywhereahungryonewhohasnothadtheopportunitytotightenhisbeltingiftlibraries，norapoorpunditwhohasnotblushedattheholidaybasketofcelery-
　　crownedturkeyforcedresoundinglythroughhisdoorbytheeleemosynarypress。
　　Sothen，fearfullythroughtheHarun-hauntedstreetscreeptheone-eyedcalenders，theLittleHunchbackandtheBarber”sSixthBrother，hopingtoescapetheministrationsoftherovinghordeofcaliphoidsultans。
　　EntertainmentformanyArabiannightsmightbehadfromthehistoriesofthosewhohaveescapedthelargesseofthearmyofCommandersoftheFaithful。UntildawnyoumightsitontheenchantedrugandlistentosuchstoriesasaretoldofthepowerfulgenieRoc-Ef-El-ErwhosenttheFortyThievestosoakuptheoilplantofAliBaba；ofthegoodCaliphKar-Neg-Ghe，whogaveawaypalaces；oftheSevenVoyagesofSailbad，theSinner，whofrequentedwoodenexcursionsteamersamongtheislands；oftheFishermanandtheBottle；oftheBarmecides”Boardinghouse；ofAladdin”srisetowealthbymeansofhisWonderfulGasmeter。
　　Butnow，therebeingtensultanstooneSheherazade，sheisheldtoovaluabletobeinfearofthebowstring。Inconsequencetheartofnarrativelanguishes。And，asthelessercaliphsarehuntingthehappypoorandtheresignedunfortunatefromcovertocoverinordertoheapuponthemstrangemerciesandmysteriousbenefits，toooftencomesthereportfromArabianheadquartersthatthecaptiverefused“totalk。”
　　Thisreticence，then，intheactorswhoperformthesadcomediesoftheirphilanthropy-scourgedworld，must，inadegree，accountfortheshortcomingsofthispainfullygleanedtale，whichshallbecalledTHESTORYOFTHECALIPHWHOALLEVIATEDHISCONSCIENCE
　　OldJacobSpragginsmixedforhimselfsomeScotchandlithiawaterathis$1，200oaksideboard。Inspirationmusthaveresultedfromitsimbibition，forimmediatelyafterwardhestruckthequarteredoaksoundlywithhisfistandshoutedtotheemptydiningroom：
　　“Bythecokeovensofhell，itmustbethattenthousanddollars！
　　IfIcangetthatsquared，it”lldothetrick。”
　　Thus，bythecommonestartificeofthetrade，havinggainedyourinterest，theactionofthestorywillnowbesuspended，leavingyougrumpilytoconsiderasortofdullbiographybeginningfifteenyearsbefore。
　　WhenoldJacobwasyoungJacobhewasabreakerboyinaPennsylvaniacoalmine。Idon”tknowwhatabreakerboyis；buthisoccupationseemstobestandingbyacoaldumpwithawanlookandadinner-pailtohavehispicturetakenformagazinearticles。Anyhow，Jacobwasone。But，insteadofdyingofoverworkatnine，andleavinghishelplessparentsandbrothersatthemercyoftheunionstrikers”
　　reservefund，hehitcheduphisgalluses，putadollarortwoinasidepropositionnowandthen，andatforty-fivewasworth$20，000，000。
　　Therenow！it”sover。Hardlyhadtimetoyawn，didyou？I”veseenbiographiesthat——butletusdissemble。
　　IwantyoutoconsiderJacobSpraggins，Esq。，afterhehadarrivedattheseventhstageofhiscareer。Thestagesmeantare，first，humbleorigin；second，deservedpromotion；third，stockholder；
　　fourth，capitalist；fifth，trustmagnate；sixth，richmalefactor；
　　seventh，caliph；eighth，_x_。Theeighthstageshallbelefttothehighermathematics。
　　Atfifty-fiveJacobretiredfromactivebusiness。Theincomeofaczarwasstillrollinginonhimfromcoal，iron，realestate，oil，railroads，manufactories，andcorporations，butnoneofittouchedJacob”shandsinarawstate。Itwasasterilizedincrement，carefullycleanedanddustedandfumigateduntilitarrivedatitsultimatestageofuntainted，spotlesschecksinthewhitefingersofhisprivatesecretary。Jacobbuiltathree-million-dollarpalaceonacornerlotfrontingonNabobAvenue，cityofNewBagdad，andbegantofeelthemantleofthelateH。A。Rashiddescendinguponhim。EventuallyJacobslippedthemantleunderhiscollar，tieditinaneatfour-in-hand，andbecamealicensedharrierofourMesopotamianproletariat。
　　Whenaman”sincomebecomessolargethatthebutcheractuallysendshimthekindofsteakheorders，hebeginstothinkabouthissoul”ssalvation。Now，thevariousstagesorclassesofrichmenmustnotbeforgotten。Thecapitalistcantellyoutoadollartheamountofhiswealth。Thetrustmagnate“estimates“it。TherichmalefactorhandsyouacigaranddeniesthathehasboughttheP。
　　D。&Q。ThecaliphmerelysmilesandtalksaboutHammersteinandthemusicallasses。Thereisarecordoftremendousaltercationatbreakfastina“Where-to-Dine-Well“tavernbetweenamagnateandhiswife，theriftwithinthelootbeingthatthewifecalculatedtheirfortuneatafigure$3，000，000higherthandidherfuture_divorc”e_。Oh，well，I，myself，heardasimilarquarrelbetweenamanandhiswifebecausehefoundfiftycentslessinhispocketsthanhethoughthehad。Afterall，weareallhuman——CountTolstoi，R。Fitzsimmons，PeterPan，andtherestofus。
　　Don”tloseheartbecausethestoryseemstobedegeneratingintoasortofmoralessayforintellectualreaders。
　　Therewillbedialogueandstagebusinessprettysoon。
　　WhenJacobfirstbegantocomparetheeyesofneedleswiththecamelsintheZoohedecideduponorganizedcharity。HehadhissecretarysendacheckforonemilliontotheUniversalBenevolentAssociationoftheGlobe。Youmayhavelookeddownthroughagratinginfrontofadecayedwarehouseforanickelthatyouhaddroppedthrough。Butthatisneitherherenorthere。TheAssociationacknowledgedreceiptofhisfavorofthe24thult。withenclosureasstated。Separatedbyadoubleline，butstillmightyclosetothematterunderthecaptionof“OdditiesoftheDay”sNews“inaneveningpaper，JacobSpragginsreadthatone“JasperSpargyous“had“donated$100，000totheU。B。A。ofG。”Acamelmayhaveastomachforeachdayintheweek；butIdarenotventuretoaccordhimwhiskers，forfearoftheGreatDispleasureatWashington；butifhehavewhiskers，surelynotoneofthemwillseemtohavebeeninsertedintheeyeofaneedlebythateffortofthatrichmantoentertheK。ofH。Therightisreservedtorejectanyandallbids；signed，S。Peter，secretaryandgatekeeper。
　　Next，Jacobselectedthebestendowedcollegehecouldscareupandpresenteditwitha$200，000laboratory。Thecollegedidnotmaintainascientificcourse，butitacceptedthemoneyandbuiltanelaboratelavatoryinstead，whichwasnodiversionoffundssofarasJacobeverdiscovered。
　　ThefacultymetandinvitedJacobtocomeoverandtakehisABC
　　degree。Beforesendingtheinvitationtheysmiled，cutouttheC，addedtheproperpunctuationmarks，andallwaswell。
　　Whilewalkingonthecampusbeforebeingcappedandgowned，Jacobsawtwoprofessorsstrollingnearby。Theirvoices，longadaptedtoindooracoustics，undesignedlyreachedhisear。
　　“Theregoesthelatest_chevalierd”industrie_，“saidoneofthem，“tobuyasleepingpowderfromus。Hegetshisdegreeto-morrow。”
　　“_Inforoconscientai_，“saidtheother。“Let”s”eave”arfabrickat”im。”
　　JacobignoredtheLatin，butthebrickpleasantrywasnottoohardforhim。Therewasnomandragorainthehonorarydraughtoflearningthathehadbought。ThatwasbeforethepassageofthePureFoodandDrugsAct。
　　Jacobweariedofphilanthropyonalargescale。
　　“IfIcouldseefolksmadehappier，“hesaidtohimself”IfIcouldsee”emmyselfandhear”emexpresstheirgratitudeforwhatIdonefor”emitwouldmakemefeelbetter。Thisdonatin”fundstoinstitutionsandsocietiesisaboutassatisfactoryasdroppingmoneyintoabrokenslotmachine。”
　　SoJacobfollowedhisnose，whichledhimthroughunsweptstreetstothehomesofthepoorest。
　　“Theverything！“saidJacob。“Iwillchartertworiversteamboats，packthemfulloftheseunfortunatechildrenand——saytenthousanddollsanddrumsandathousandfreezersoficecream，andgivethemadelightfuloutinguptheSound。TheseabreezesonthattripoughttoblowthetaintoffsomeofthismoneythatkeepscominginfasterthanIcanworkitoffmymind。”