Iamsureshemusthaveseenthoseawfulprisonsofhis,outofwhichtheOpium-Eatergothisnightmarevision,describedbyanotheras"cemeteriesofdepartedgreatness,wheremonstrousandforbiddenthingsarecrawlingandtwiningtheirslimyconvolutionsamongmoulderingbones,brokensculpture,andmutilatedinscriptions。"
Suchablackdungeonfacedthepagethatheldtheblueskyandthesinglebird;atthebottomofitsomethingwascoiled,——what,andwhethermeantfordeadoralive,myeyescouldnotmakeout。
Itoldyoutheyounggirl’ssoulwasinthisbook。AsIturnedoverthelastleavesIcouldnothelpstarting。Therewereallsortsoffacesamongthearabesqueswhichlaughedandscowledinthebordersthatranroundthepages。Theyhadmostlytheoutlineofchildishorwomanlyormanlybeauty,withoutverydistinctindividuality。
Butatlastitseemedtomethatsomeofthemweretakingonalooknotwhollyunfamiliartome;therewerefeaturesthatdidnotseemnew——Canitbeso?Wasthereeversuchinnocenceinacreaturesofulloflife?Shetellsherheart’ssecretsasathree-years-oldchildbetraysitselfwithoutneedofbeingquestioned!Thiswasnocommonmiss,suchasareturnedoutinscoresfromtheyoung-lady-
factories,withparchmentswarrantingthemaccomplishedandvirtuous,——incaseanybodyshouldquestionthefact。Ibegantounderstandher;——andwhatissocharmingastoreadthesecretofarealfemmeincomprise?——forsuchthereare,thoughtheyarenottheoneswhothinkthemselvesuncomprehendedwomen。
Poetsareneveryoung,inonesense。Theirdelicateearhearsthefar-offwhispersofeternity,whichcoarsersoulsmusttraveltowardsforscoresofyearsbeforetheirdullsenseistouchedbythem。Amoment’sinsightissometimesworthalife’sexperience。I
havefrequentlyseenchildren,longexercisedbypainandexhaustion,whosefeatureshadastrangelookofadvancedage。Toooftenonemeetssuchinourcharitableinstitutions。Theirfacesaresaddenedandwrinkled,asiftheirfewsummerswerethreescoreyearsandten。
Andso,manyyouthfulpoetshavewrittenasiftheirheartswereoldbeforetheirtime;theirpensivemorningtwilighthasbeenascoolandsaddeningasthatofeveninginmorecommonlives。TheprofoundmelancholyofthoselinesofShelley,"IcouldliedownlikeatiredchildAndweepawaythelifeofcareWhichIhaveborneandyetmustbear"
camefromaheart,ashesays,"toosoongrownold,"——attwenty-sixyears,asdullpeoplecounttime,evenwhentheytalkofpoets。
Iknowenoughtobepreparedforanexceptionalnature,——onlythisgiftofthehandinrenderingeverythoughtinformandcolor,aswellasinwords,givesarichnesstothisyounggirl’salphabetoffeelingandimagerythattakesmebysurprise。Andthenbesides,andmostofall,Iampuzzledathersuddenandseeminglyeasyconfidenceinme。PerhapsIoweittomy——Well,nomatter!HowonemustlovetheeditorwhofirstcallshimthevenerableSo-and-So!——
IlockedthebookandsighedasIlaiditdown。Theworldisalwaysreadytoreceivetalentwithopenarms。Veryoftenitdoesnotknowwhattodowithgenius。Talentisadocilecreature。Itbowsitsheadmeeklywhiletheworldslipsthecollaroverit。Itbacksintotheshaftslikealamb。Itdrawsitsloadcheerfully,andispatientofthebitandofthewhip。Butgeniusisalwaysimpatientofitsharness;itswildbloodmakesithardtotrain。
Talentseems,atfirst,inonesense,higherthangenius,——namely,thatitismoreuniformlyandabsolutelysubmittedtothewill,andthereforemoredistinctlyhumaninitscharacter。Genius,ontheotherhand,ismuchmorelikethoseinstinctswhichgoverntheadmirablemovementsofthelowercreatures,andthereforeseemstohavesomethingoftheloweroranimalcharacter。AgoosefliesbyachartwhichtheRoyalGeographicalSocietycouldnotmend。Apoet,likethegoose,sailswithoutvisiblelandmarkstounexploredregionsoftruth,whichphilosophyhasyettolaydownonitsatlas。
Thephilosophergetshistrackbyobservation;thepoettruststohisinnersense,andmakesthestraighterandswifterline。
Andyet,tolookatitinanotherlight,isnoteventhelowestinstinctmoretrulydivinethananyvoluntaryhumanactdonebythesuggestionofreason?Whatisabee’sarchitecturebutanunobstructeddivinethought?——whatisabuilder’sapproximativerulebutanobstructedthoughtoftheCreator,amutilatedandimperfectcopyofsomeabsoluteruleDivineWisdomhasestablished,transmittedthroughahumansoulasanimagethroughcloudedglass?
Talentisaverycommonfamily-trait;geniusbelongsrathertoindividuals;——justasyoufindonegiantoronedwarfinafamily,butrarelyawholebroodofeither。Talentisoftentobeenvied,andgeniusverycommonlytobepitied。Itstandstwicethechanceoftheotherofdyinginhospital,injail,indebt,inbadrepute。
Itisaperpetualinsulttomediocrity;itseverywordisatrespassagainstsomebody’svestedideas,——blasphemyagainstsomebody’sO’m,orintangibleprivatetruth——
Whatistheuseofmyweighingoutantithesesinthisway,likearhetoricalgrocer?——Youknowtwentymenoftalent,whoaremakingtheirwayintheworld;youmay,perhaps,knowonemanofgenius,andverylikelydonotwanttoknowanymore。Foradivineinstinct,suchasdrivesthegoosesouthwardandthepoetheavenward,isahardthingtomanage,andprovestoostrongformanywhomitpossesses。ItmusthavebeenaterriblethingtohaveafriendlikeChattertonorBurns。Andhereisabeingwhocertainlyhasmorethantalent,atoncepoetandartistintendency,ifnotyetfairlydeveloped,——awoman,too;——andgeniusgraftedonwomanhoodisliketoovergrowitandbreakitsstem,asyoumayseeagraftedfruit-treespreadingoverthestockwhichcannotkeeppacewithitsevolution。
Ithinknowyouknowsomethingofthisyoungperson。Shewantsnothingbutanatmospheretoexpandin。Nowandthenonemeetswithanatureforwhichourhard,practicalNewEnglandlifeisobviouslyutterlyincompetent。Itcomesup,asaSouthernseed,droppedbyaccidentinoneofourgardens,findsitselftryingtogrowandblowintofloweramongthehomelyrootsandthehardyshrubsthatsurroundit。Thereisnoquestionthatcertainpersonswhoarebornamongusfindthemselvesmanydegreestoofarnorth。Tropicalbyorganization,theycannotfightforlifewithoureasternandnorthwesternbreezeswithoutlosingthecolorandfragranceintowhichtheirliveswouldhaveblossomedinthelatitudeofmyrtlesandoranges。StrangeeffectsareproducedbysufferinganylivingthingtobedevelopedunderconditionssuchasNaturehadnotintendedforit。AFrenchphysiologistconfinedsometadpolesunderwaterinthedark。Removedfromthenaturalstimulusoflight,theydidnotdeveloplegsandarmsattheproperperiodoftheirgrowth,andsobecomefrogs;theyswelledandspreadintogigantictadpoles。
Ihaveseenahundredcolossalhumantadpoles,overgrownZarvceorembryos;nay,IamafraidweProtestantsshouldlookonaconsiderableproportionoftheHolyFather’sonehundredandthirty-
ninemillionsasspirituallarvae,scullingaboutinthedarkbytheaidoftheircaudalextremities,insteadofstandingontheirlegs,andbreathingbygills,insteadoftakingthefreeairofheavenintothelungsmadetoreceiveit。Ofcoursewenevertrytokeepyoungsoulsinthetadpolestate,forfeartheyshouldgetapairortwooflegsby-and-byandjumpoutofthepoolwheretheyhavebeenbredandfed!Never!Never。Never?
Nowtogobacktoourplant。Youmayknow,that,fortheearlierstagesofdevelopmentofalmostanyvegetable,youonlywantair,water,light,andwarmth。Butby-and-by,ifitistohavespecialcomplexprinciplesasapartofitsorganization,theymustbesuppliedbythesoil;——yourpearswillcrack,iftherootofthetreegetsnoiron,——yourasparagus-bedwantssaltasmuchasyoudo。
Justattheperiodofadolescence,themindoftensuddenlybeginstocomeintoflowerandtosetitsfruit。Thenitisthatmanyyoungnatures,havingexhaustedthespiritualsoilroundthemofallitcontainsoftheelementstheydemand,witheraway,undevelopedanduncolored,unlesstheyaretransplanted。
Prayforthesedearyoungsouls!Thisisthesecondnaturalbirth;-
forIdonotspeakofthosepeculiarreligiousexperienceswhichformthepointoftransitioninmanylivesbetweentheconsciousnessofageneralrelationtotheDivinenatureandaspecialpersonalrelation。Thelitanyshouldcountaprayerfortheminthelistofitssupplications;massesshouldbesaidforthemasforsoulsinpurgatory;allgoodChristiansshouldrememberthemastheyrememberthoseinperilthroughtravelorsicknessorinwarfare。
IwouldtransportthischildtoRomeatonce,ifIhadmywill。SheshouldripenunderanItaliansun。Sheshouldwalkunderthefrescoedvaultsofpalaces,untilhercolorsdeepenedtothoseofVenetianbeauties,andherformswereperfectedintorivalrywiththeGreekmarbles,andtheeastwindwasoutofhersoil。Hasshenotexhaustedthisleansoiloftheelementshergrowingnaturerequires?
Idonotknow。ThemagnoliagrowsandcomesintofullfloweronCapeAnn,manydegreesoutofitsproperregion。Iwasridingoncealongthatdeliciousroadbetweenthehillsandthesea,whenwepassedathicketwherethereseemedtobeachanceoffindingit。
InfiveminutesIhadfallenonthetreesinfullblossom,andfilledmyarmswiththesweet,resplendentflowers。IcouldnotbelieveIwasinourcold,northernEssex,which,inthedrearyseasonwhenIpassitsslate-colored,unpaintedfarm-houses,andhuge,square,windy,’squire-built"mansions,"looksasbrownandunvegetatingasanoldrugwithitspatternsalltroddenoutandthecoloredfringewornfromallitsborder。
IfthemagnoliacanbloominnorthernNewEngland,whyshouldnotapoetorapaintercometohisfullgrowthherejustaswell?Yes,butifthegorgeoustree-flowerisrare,andonlyasifbyafreakofNaturespringsupinasinglespotamongthebeechesandalders,istherenotasmuchreasontothinktheperfumedflowerofimaginativegeniuswillfindithardtobebornandhardertospreaditsleavesintheclear,coldatmosphereofourultra-temperatezoneofhumanity?
Takethepoet。Ontheonehand,Ibelievethatapersonwiththepoeticalfacultyfindsmaterialeverywhere。Thegrandestobjectsofsenseandthoughtarecommontoallclimatesandcivilizations。Thesky,thewoods,thewaters,thestorms,life,deathlove,thehopeandvisionofeternity,——theseareimagesthatwritethemselvesinpoetryineverysoulwhichhasanythingofthedivinegift。
Ontheotherhand,thereissuchathingasalean,impoverishedlife,indistinctionfromarichandsuggestiveone。WhichourcommonNewEnglandlifemightbeconsidered,Iwillnotdecide。ButtherearesomethingsIthinkthepoetmissesinourwesternEden。
Itrustitisnotunpatriotictomentiontheminthispointofviewastheycomebeforeusinsomanyotheraspects。
Thereisnosufficientflavorofhumanityinthesoiloutofwhichwegrow。AtCantabridge,nearthesea,IhaveonceortwicepickedupanIndianarrowheadinafreshfurrow。AtCanoeMeadow,intheBerkshireMountains,IhavefoundIndianarrowheads。SoeverywhereIndianarrowheads。Whetherahundredorathousandyearsold,whoknows?whocares?Thereisnohistorytotheredrace,——thereishardlyanindividualinit;——afewinstinctsonlegsandholdingatomahawk——thereistheIndianofalltime。Thestoryofoneredantisthestoryofallredants。So,thepoet,intryingtowinghiswaybackthroughthelifethathaskindled,flitted,andfadedalongourwatercoursesandonoursouthernhillsidesforunknowngenerations,findsnothingtobreatheorflyin;hemeets"Avastvacuity!allunawares,Flutteringhispennonsvain,plumbdownhedropsTenthousandfathomdeep。"
ButthinkoftheOldWorld,——thatpartofitwhichistheseatofancientcivilization!ThestakesoftheBritons’stockadesarestillstandinginthebedoftheThames。TheploughmanturnsupanoldSaxon’sbones,andbeneaththemisatessellatedpavementofthetimeoftheCaesars。InItaly,theworksofmediaevalArtseemtobeofyesterday,——Rome,underherkings,isbutanintrudingnewcomer,aswecontemplateherintheshadowoftheCyclopeanwallsofFiesoleorVolterra。Itmakesamanhumantoliveontheseoldhumanizedsoils。Hecannothelpmarchinginstepwithhiskindintherearofsuchaprocession。Theysayadeadman’shandcuresswellings,iflaidonthem。ThereisnothinglikethedeadcoldhandofthePasttotakedownourtumidegotismandleadusintothesolemnflowofthelifeofourrace。Rousseaucameoutofoneofhissadself-torturingfits,ashecasthiseyeonthearchesoftheoldRomanaqueduct,thePontduGard。
Iamfarfromdenyingthatthereisanattractioninathrivingrailroadvillage。Thenew"depot,"thesmartly-paintedpinehouses,thespaciousbrickhotel,thewhitemeeting-house,andtherowofyouthfulandleggytreesbeforeit,areexhilarating。Theyspeakofprogress,andthetimewhenthereshallbeacity,withaHisHonortheMayor,intheplaceoftheirtrimbuttransientarchitecturalgrowths。Pardonme,ifIpreferthepyramids。Theyseemtomecrystalsformedfromastrongersolutionofhumanitythanthesteepleofthenewmeeting-house。Imaybewrong,buttheTiberhasavoiceforme,asitwhisperstothepiersofthePonsAlius,evenmorefullofmeaningthanmywell-belovedCharleseddyingroundthepilesofWestBostonBridge。
Then,again,weYankeesareakindofgypsies,——amechanicalandmigratoryrace。Apoetwantsahome。Hecandispensewithanapple-parerandareaping-machine。Ifeelthismoreforothersthanformyself,forthehomeofmybirthandchildhoodhasbeenasyetexemptedfromthechangewhichhasinvadedalmosteverythingaroundit——
Pardonmeashortdigression。Towhatsmallthingsourmemoryandouraffectionsattachthemselves!Iremember,whenIwasachild,thatoneofthegirlsplantedsomeStar-of-Bethlehembulbsinthesouthwestgornerofourfront-yard。Well,Ileftthepaternalroofandwanderedinotherlands,andlearnedtothinkinthewordsofstrangepeople。Butaftermanyyears,asIlookedonthelittlefront-yardagain,itoccurredtomethatthereusedtobesomeStar-
of-Bethlehemsinthesouthwestcorner。Thegrasswastallthere,andthebladeoftheplantisverymuchlikegrass,onlythickerandglossier。EvenasTullypartedthebriersandbrambleswhenhehuntedforthesphere-containingcylinderthatmarkedthegraveofArchimedes,sodidIcombthegrasswithmyfingersformymonumentalmemorial-flower。Naturehadstoredmykeepsaketenderlyinherbosom;theglossy,faintlystreakedbladeswerethere;theyaretherestill,thoughtheyneverflower,darkenedastheyarebytheshadeoftheelmsandrootedinthemattedturf。
Ourheartsarehelddowntoourhomesbyinnumerablefibres,trivialasthatIhavejustrecalled;butGulliverwasfixedtothesoil,youremember,bypinninghisheadahairatatime。Evenastonewithawhitishbandcrossingit,belongingtothepavementoftheback-yard,insistedonbecomingoneofthetalismansofmemory。
Thisintussusceptionoftheideasofinanimateobjects,andtheirfaithfulstoringawayamongthesentiments,arecuriouslyprefiguredinthematerialstructureofthethinkingcentreitself。Intheverycoreofthebrain,inthepartwhereDesCartesplacedthesoul,isasmallmineraldeposit,consisting,asIhaveseenitinthemicroscope,ofgrape-likemassesofcrystallinematter。
Buttheplantsthatcomeupeveryyearinthesameplace,liketheStar-of-Bethlehems,ofallthelesserobjects,givemetheliveliesthome-feeling。Closetoourancientgambrel-roofedhouseisthedwellingofpleasantoldNeighborWalrus。IrememberthesweethoneysucklethatIsawinfloweragainstthewallofhishouseafewmonthsago,aslongasIremembertheskyandstars。Thatclumpofpeonies,buttingtheirpurpleheadsthroughthesoileveryspringinjustthesamecircle,andby-and-byunpackingtheirhardballsofbudsinflowersbigenoughtomakeadoublehandfulofleaves,hascomeupinjustthatplace,NeighborWalrustellsme,formoreyearsthanIhavepassedonthisplanet。Itisarareprivilegeinournomadicstatetofindthehomeofone’schildhoodanditsimmediateneighborhoodthusunchanged。Manybornpoets,Iamafraid,flowerpoorlyinsong,ornotatall,becausetheyhavebeentoooftentransplanted。
Thenagoodmanyofourraceareveryhardandunimaginative;——theirvoiceshavenothingcaressing;theirmovementsareasofmachinerywithoutelasticityoroil。Iwishitwerefairtoprintaletterayounggirl,abouttheageofourIris,wroteashorttimesince。"I
am*********,"shesays,andtellsherwholenameoutright。Ah!——
saidI,whenIreadthatfirstfrankdeclaration,——youareoneoftherightsort!——Shewas。Awingedcreatureamongclose-clippedbarndoorfowl。Howtiredthepoorgirlwasofthedulllifeabouther,——theoldwoman’s"skeletonhand"atthewindowopposite,drawinghercurtains,——"Ma’amshooingawaythehens,"——thevacuouscountryeyesstaringatherasonlycountryeyescanstare,——aroutineofmechanicalduties,andthesoul’shalf-articulatedcryforsympathy,withoutananswer!Yes,——prayforher,andforallsuch!Faithoftencurestheirlongings;butitissohardtogiveasoultoheaventhathasnotfirstbeentrainedinthefullestandsweetesthumanaffections!Toooftentheyflingtheirheartsawayonunworthyobjects。Toooftentheypineinasecretdiscontent,whichspreadsitsleadencloudoverthemorningoftheiryouth。Theimmeasurabledistancebetweenoneofthesedelicatenaturesandtheaverageyouthsamongwhomisliketobeheronlychoicemakesone’sheartache。Howmanywomenareborntoofinelyorganizedinsenseandsoulforthehighwaytheymustwalkwithfeetunshod!Lifeisadjustedtothewantsofthestrongersex。Thereareplentyoftorrentstobecrossedinitsjourney;buttheirstepping-stonesaremeasuredbythestrideofman,andnotofwoman。
Womenaremoresubjectthanmentoatrophyoftheheart。Sosaysthegreatmedicalauthority,Laennec。Incurablecasesofthiskindusedtofindtheirhospitalsinconvents。WehavethediseaseinNewEngland,——butnotthehospitals。Idon’tliketothinkofit。
IwillnotbelieveouryoungIrisisgoingtodieoutinthisway。
Providencewillfindhersomegreathappiness,oraffliction,orduty,——andwhichwouldbebestforher,Icannottell。Onethingissure:theinterestshetakesinherlittleneighborisgettingtobemoreengrossingthanever。Somethingisthematterwithhim,andsheknowsit,andIthinkworriesherselfaboutit。
Iwondersometimeshowsofragileanddistortedaframehaskeptthefieryspiritthatinhabitsitsolongitstenant。Heaccountsforitinhisownway。
TheairoftheOldWorldisgoodfornothing,hesaid,oneday——
Usedup,Sir,——breathedoverandoveragain。Youmustcometothisside,Sir,foranatmospherefittobreathenowadays。DidnotworthyMr。HigginsonsaythatabreathofNewEngland’sairisbetterthanasupofOldEngland’sale?IoughttohavediedwhenI
wasaboy,Sir;butIcouldn’tdieinthisBostonair,——andIthinkIshallhavetogotoNewYorkoneofthesedays,whenit’stimeformetodropthisbundle,——ortoNewOrleans,wheretheyhavetheyellowfever,——ortoPhiladelphia,wheretheyhavesomanydoctors。
Thiswassometimeago;butoflatehehasseemed,asIhavebeforesaid,tobeailing。Anexperiencedeye,suchasIthinkImaycallmine,cantellcommonlywhetheramanisgoingtodie,ornot,longbeforeheorhisfriendsarealarmedabouthim。Idon’tlikeit。
IrishastoldmethattheScottishgiftofsecond-sightrunsinherfamily,andthatsheisafraidshehasit。Thosewhoaresoendowedlookuponawellmanandseeashroudwraptabouthim。Accordingtothedegreetowhichitcovershim,hisdeathwillbenearormoreremote。Itisanawfulfaculty;butsciencegivesonetoomuchlikeit。Luckilyforourfriends,mostofuswhohavethescientificsecond-sightschoolourselvesnottobetrayourknowledgebywordorlook。
Daybyday,astheLittleGentlemancomestothetable,itseemstomethattheshadowofsomeapproachingchangefallsdarkeranddarkeroverhiscountenance。Natureisstrugglingwithsomething,andIamafraidsheisunderinthewrestling-match。Youdonotcaremuch,perhaps,formyparticularconjecturesastothenatureofhisdifficulty。Ishouldsay,however,fromthesuddenflushestowhichheissubject,andcertainothermarkswhich,asanexpert,Iknowhowtointerpret,thathisheartwasintrouble;butthenhepresseshishandtotherightside,asiftherewerethecentreofhisuneasiness。
WhenIsaydifficultyabouttheheart,IdonotmeananyofthosesentimentalmaladiesofthatorganwhichfiguremorelargelyinromancesthanonthereturnswhichfurnishourBillsofMortality。
Imeansomeactualchangeintheorganitself,whichmaycarryhimoffbyslowandpainfuldegrees,orstrikehimdownwithonehugepangandonlytimeforasingleshriek,——aswhentheshotbrokethroughthebraveCaptainNolan’sbreast,attheheadoftheLightBrigadeatBalaklava,andwithaloudcryhedroppeddeadfromhissaddle。
IthoughtitonlyfairtosaysomethingofwhatIapprehendedtosomewhowereentitledtobewarned。Thelandlady’sfacefellwhenImentionedmyfears。
Poorman!——shesaid——Andwillleavethebestroomempty!Hasn’thegotanysistersorniecesoranybodytoseetohisthings,ifheshouldbetookaway?Suchasightofcases,fullofeverything!
Neverthoughtofhisfailin’sosuddin。Acomplicationofdiseases,sheexpected。Liver-complaintoneof’em?
Afterthisfirstinvoluntaryexpressionofthetoonaturalselfishfeelings,whichwemustnotjudgeveryharshly,unlesswehappentobepoorwidowsourselves,withchildrentokeepfilled,covered,andtaught,——rentshigh,——beefeighteentotwentycentsperpound,——
afterthisfirstsqueakofselfishness,followedbyabriefmovementofcuriosity,soinvariableinmaturefemales,astothenatureofthecomplaintwhichthreatensthelifeofafriendoranypersonwhomayhappentobementionedasill,——theworthysoul’sbetterfeelingsstruggleduptothesurface,andshegrievedforthedoomedinvalid,untilatearortwocameforthandfoundtheirwaydownachannelwornforthemsincetheearlydaysofherwidowhood。
Oh,thisdreadful,dreadfulbusinessofbeingtheprophetofevil!
Ofallthetrialswhichthosewhotakechargeofothers’healthandliveshavetoundergo,thisisthemostpainful。Itisallsoplaintothepractisedeye!——andthereisthepoorwife,thedotingmother,whohasneversuspectedanything,oratleasthasclungalwaystothehopewhichyouarejustgoingtowrenchawayfromher!——
ImusttellIristhatIthinkherpoorfriendisinaprecariousstate。Sheseemsnearertohimthananybody。
Ididtellher。Whateveremotionitproduced,shekeptastillface,except,perhaps,alittletremblingofthelip——CouldIbecertainthattherewasanymortalcomplaint?——Why,no,Icouldnotbecertain;butitlookedalarmingtome——Heshallhavesomeofmylife,——shesaid。
Isupposethistohavebeenafancyofhers,orakindofmagneticpowershecouldgiveout;——atanyrate,Icannothelpthinkingshewillsherstrengthawayfromherself,forshehaslostvigorandcolorfromthatday。Ihavesometimesthoughthegainedtheforceshelost;butthismayhavebeenawhim,veryprobably。
Onedayshecamesuddenlytome,lookingdeadlypale。Herlipsmoved,asifshewerespeaking;butIcouldnotatfirsthearaword。Herhairlookedstrangely,asifliftingitself,andhereyeswerefullofwildlight。Shesunkuponachair,andIthoughtwasfallingintooneofhertrances。Somethinghadfrozenherbloodwithfear;Ithought,fromwhatshesaid,halfaudibly,thatshebelievedshehadseenashroudedfigure。
Thatnight,atabouteleveno’clock,IwassentfortoseetheLittleGentleman,whowastakensuddenlyill。Bridget,theservant,wentbeforemewithalight。Thedoorswerebothunfastened,andI
foundmyselfushered,withouthindrance,intothedimlightofthemysteriousapartmentIhadsolongedtoenter。
Ifoundthesestanzasintheyounggirl’sbookamongmanyothers。I
givethemascharacterizingthetoneofhersaddermoments。
UNDERTHEVIOLETS。
Herhandsarecold;herfaceiswhite;
Nomoreherpulsescomeandgo;
Hereyesareshuttolifeandlight;
Foldthewhitevesture,snowonsnow,Andlayherwherethevioletsblow。
Butnotbeneathagravenstone,Topleadfortearswithalieneyes;
AslendercrossofwoodaloneShallsay,thathereamaidenliesInpeacebeneaththepeacefulskies。
AndgrayoldtreesofhugestlimbShallwheeltheircirclingshadowsroundTomakethescorchingsunlightdimThatdrinksthegreennessfromtheground,Anddroptheirdeadleavesonhermound。
Wheno’ertheirboughsthesquirrelsrun,Andthroughtheirleavestherobinscall,And,ripeningintheautumnsun,Theacornsandthechestnutsfall,Doubtnotthatshewillheedthemall。
ForherthemorningchoirshallsingItsmatinsfromthebrancheshigh,Andeveryminstrelvoiceofspring,ThattrillsbeneaththeAprilsky,Shallgreetherwithitsearliestcry。
When,turningroundtheirdial-track,Eastwardthelengtheningshadowspass,Herlittlemourners,cladinblack,Thecrickets,slidingthroughthegrass,Shallpipeforheraneveningmass。
AtlasttherootletsofthetreesShallfindtheprisonwhereshelies,AndbeartheburieddusttheyseizeInleavesandblossomstotheskies。
Somaythesoulthatwarmeditrise!
Ifany,bornofkindlierblood,Shouldask,Whatmaidenliesbelow?
Sayonlythis:Atenderbud,Thattriedtoblossominthesnow,Lieswitheredwherethevioletsblow。
XI
Youwillknow,perhaps,inthecourseofhalfanhour’sreading,whathasbeenhauntingmyhoursofsleepandwakingformonths。I
cannottell,ofcourse,whetheryouareanervouspersonornot。
If,however,youaresuchaperson,——ifitislateatnight,——ifalltherestofthehouseholdhavegoneofftobed,——ifthewindisshakingyourwindowsasifahumanhandwererattlingthesashes,——
ifyourcandleorlampislowandwillsoonburnout,——letmeadviseyoutotakeupsomegoodquietsleepyvolume,orattackthe"CriticalNotices"ofthelastQuarterlyandleavethistobereadbydaylight,withcheerfulvoicesround,andpeoplenearbywhowouldhearyou,ifyouslidfromyourchairandcamedowninalumponthefloor。
Idonotsaythatyourheartwillbeatasminedid,Iamwillingtoconfess,whenIenteredthedimchamber。DidInottellyouthatI
wassensitiveandimaginative,andthatIhadlainawakewiththinkingwhatwerethestrangemovementsandsoundswhichIheardlateatnightinmylittleneighbor’sapartment?IthadcometothatpassthatIwastrulyunabletoseparatewhatIhadreallyheardfromwhatIhaddreamedinthosenightmarestowhichIhavebeensubject,asbeforementioned。So,whenIwalkedintotheroom,andBridget,turningback,closedthedoorandleftmealonewithitstenant,Idobelieveyoucouldhavegratedanutmegonmyskin,sucha"goose-flesh"shiverranoverit。Itwasnotfear,butwhatIcallnervousness,——unreasoning,butirresistible;aswhen,forinstance,onelookingatthesungoingdownsays,"Iwillcountfiftybeforeitdisappears";andashegoesonanditbecomesdoubtfulwhetherhewillreachthenumber,hegetsstrangelyflurried,andhisimaginationpictureslifeanddeathandheavenandhellastheissuesdependingonthecompletionornon-completionofthefiftyheiscounting。Extremecuriositywillexcitesomepeopleasmuchasfear,orwhatresemblesfear,actsonsomeotherlessimpressiblenatures。
Imayfindmyselfinthemidstofstrangefactsinthislittleconjurer’sroom。Or,again,theremaybenothinginthispoorinvalid’schamberbutsomeoldfurniture,suchastheysaycameoverintheMayflower。AllthisisjustwhatImeanto,findoutwhileIamlookingattheLittleGentleman,whohassuddenlybecomemypatient。Thesimplestthingsturnouttobeunfathomablemysteries;
themostmysteriousappearancesprovetobethemostcommonplaceobjectsindisguise。
IwonderwhethertheboyswholiveinRoxburyandDorchesterareevermovedtotearsorfilledwithsilentaweastheylookupontherocksandfragmentsof"puddingstone"aboundinginthoselocalities。
Ihavemysuspicionsthatthoseboys"heaveastone"or"fireabrickbat,"composedoftheconglomeratejustmentioned,withoutanymoretearfulorphilosophicalcontemplationsthanboysoflessfavoredregionsexpendonthesameperformance。Yetalumpofpuddingstoneisathingtolookat,tothinkabout,tostudyover,todreamupon,togocrazywith,tobeatone’sbrainsoutagainst。
Lookatthatpebbleinit。Fromwhatcliffwasitbroken?Onwhatbeachrolledbythewavesofwhatocean?Howandwhenimbeddedinsoftooze,whichitselfbecamestone,andby-and-bywasliftedintobaldsummitsandsteepcliffs,suchasyoumayseeonMeetinghouse-
Hillanyday——yes,andmarkthescratchesontheirfacesleftwhentheboulder-carryingglaciersplanedthesurfaceofthecontinentwithsuchroughtoolsthatthestormshavenotwornthemarksoutofitwithallthepolishingofeversomanythousandyears?
Orasyoupassaroadsideditchorpoolinspringtime,takefromitanybitofstickorstrawwhichhaslainundisturbedforatime。
Somelittleworm-shapedmassesofclearjellycontainingspecksarefastenedtothestick:eggsofasmallsnail-likeshell-fish。Oneofthesespecksmagnifiedprovestobeacrystallinespherewithanopaquemassinitscentre。Andwhileyouarelooking,theopaquemassbeginstostir,andby-and-byslowlytoturnuponitsaxislikeaformingplanet,——lifebeginninginthemicrocosm,asinthegreatworldsofthefirmament,withtherevolutionthatturnsthesurfaceinceaselessroundtothesourceoflifeandlight。
Apebbleandthespawnofamollusk!Beforeyouhavesolvedtheirmysteries,thisearthwhereyoufirstsawthemmaybeavitrifiedslag,oravapordiffusedthroughtheplanetaryspaces。Mysteriesarecommonenough,atanyrate,whatevertheboysinRoxburyandDorchesterthinkof"brickbats"andthespawnofcreaturesthatliveinroadsidepuddles。
Butthenagreatmanyseemingmysteriesarerelativelyperfectlyplain,whenwecangetatthemsoastoturnthemover。Howmanyghoststhat"thickmen’sbloodwithcold"provetobeshirtshungouttodry!Howmanymermaidshavebeenmadeoutofseals!Howmanytimeshavehorse-mackerelsbeentakenforthesea-serpent!——
Letmetakethewholemattercoolly,whileIseewhatisthematterwiththepatient。ThatiswhatIsaytomyself,asIdrawachairtothebedside。Thebedisanold-fashioned,darkmahoganyfour-poster。Itwasneverthatwhichmadethenoiseofsomethingmoving。Itistooheavytobepushedabouttheroom——TheLittleGentlemanwassitting,bolsteredupbypillows,withhishandsclaspedandtheirunitedpalmsrestingonthebackofthehead,oneofthethreeorfourpositionsspeciallyaffectedbypersonswhosebreathingisdifficultfromdiseaseoftheheartorothercauses。
Sitdown,Sir,——hesaid,——sitdown!IhavecometothehillDifficulty,Sir,andamfightingmywayup——Hisspeechwaslaboriousandinterrupted。
Don’ttalk,——Isaid,——excepttoanswermyquestions——AndI
proceededto"prospect"forthemarksofsomelocalmischief,whichyouknowisatthebottomofalltheseattacks,thoughwedonotalwaysfindit。IsupposeIgotoworkprettymuchlikeotherprofessionalfolksofmytemperament。Thus:
Wrist,ifyouplease——Iwasonhisrightside,buthepresentedhisleftwrist,crossingitovertheother——Ibegintocount,holdingwatchinlefthand。One,two,three,four,——Whatahandsomehand!wonderifthatsplendidstoneisacarbuncle——One,two,three,four,five,six,seven,——Can’tseemuch,itissodark,exceptonewhiteobject——One,two,three,four,——Hangit!eightyorninetyintheminute,Iguess——Tongue,ifyouplease——Tongueisputout。Forgettolookatit,or,rather,totakeanyparticularnoticeofit;——butwhatisthatwhiteobject,withthelongarmstretchingupasifpointingtothesky,justasVesaliusandSpigeliusandthoseoldfellowsusedtoputtheirskeletons?I
don’tthinkanythingofsuchobjects,youknow;butwhatshouldhehaveitinhischamberfor?AsIhadfoundhispulseirregularandintermittent,Itookoutastethoscope,whichisapocket-spyglassforlookingintopeople’schestswithyourears,andlaiditovertheplacewheretheheartbeats。Imissedtheusualbeatoftheorgan——Howisthis?——Isaid,——whereisyourheartgoneto?——Hetookthestethoscopeandshifteditacrosstotherightside;therewasadisplacementoftheorgan——Iamill-packed,——hesaid;——therewasnoroomformyheartinitsplaceasitiswithothermen——Godhelphim!
Itishardtodrawthelinebetweenscientificcuriosityandthedesireforthepatient’ssaketolearnallthedetailsofhiscondition。Imustlookatthispatient’schest,andthumpitandlistentoit。Forthisisacaseofectopiacordis,myboy,——
displacementoftheheart;anditisn’teverydayyougetachancetooverhaulsuchaninterestingmalformation。AndsoImanagedtodomydutyandsatisfymycuriosityatthesametime。Thetorsowasslightanddeformed;therightarmattenuated,——theleftfull,round,andofperfectsymmetry。Ithadrunawaywiththelifeoftheotherlimbs,——acommontrickenoughofNature’s,asItoldyoubefore。Ifyouseeamanwithlegswitheredfromchildhood,keepoutofthewayofhisarms,ifyouhaveaquarrelwithhim。Hehasthestrengthoffourlimbsintwo;andifhestrikesyou,itisanarm-blowplusakickadministeredfromtheshoulderinsteadofthehaunch,whereitshouldhavestartedfrom。
Stillexamininghimasapatient,Ikeptmyeyesaboutmetosearchallpartsofthechamberandwentonwiththedoubleprocess,asbefore——Hearthitsashardasafist,——bellows-soundovermitralvalvesprofessionaltermsyouneednotattendto——Whatthedeuseisthatlongcasefor?Gothiswitchgrandmothermummiedinit?
Andthreebigmahoganypresses,——hey?——AdiabolicalsuspicioncameovermewhichIhadhadoncebefore,——thathemightbeoneofourmodernalchemists,——youunderstand,makegold,youknow,orwhatlookslikeit,sometimeswiththeheadofakingorqueenorofLibertytoembellishonesideofthepiece——Don’tIrememberhearinghimshutadoorandlockitonce?Whatdoyouthinkwaskeptunderthatlock?Let’shaveanotherlookathishand,toseeifthereareanycalluses。
Onecantellaman’sbusiness,ifitisahandicraft,veryoftenbyjusttakingalookathisopenhand。Ah!Fourcallusesattheendofthefingersoftherighthand。Noneonthoseoftheleft。Ah,ha!Whatdothosemean?
Allthisseemslongerinthetelling,ofcourse,thanitwasinfact。WhileIwasmakingtheseobservationsoftheobjectsaroundme,IwasalsoformingmyopinionastothekindofcasewithwhichIhadtodeal。
Therearethreewicks,youknow,tothelampofaman’slife:brain,blood,andbreath。Pressthebrainalittle,itslightgoesout,followedbyboththeothers。Stoptheheartaminuteandoutgoallthreeofthewicks。Choketheairoutofthelungs,andpresentlythefluidceasestosupplytheothercentresofflame,andallissoonstagnation,cold,anddarkness。The"tripodoflife"aFrenchphysiologistcalledthesethreeorgans。Itisallclearenoughwhichlegofthetripodisgoingtobreakdownhere。Icouldtellyouexactlywhatthedifficultyis;——whichwouldbeasintelligibleandamusingasawatchmaker’sdescriptionofadiseasedtimekeepertoaploughman。Itisenoughtosay,thatIfoundjustwhatI
expectedto,andthatIthinkthisattackisonlythepreludeofmoreseriousconsequences,——whichexpressionmeansyouverywellknowwhat。
Andnowthesecretsofthislifehangingonathreadmustsurelycomeout。IfIhavemadeamysterywheretherewasnone,mysuspicionswillbeshamed,astheyhaveoftenbeenbefore。Ifthereisanythingstrange,myvisitswillclearitup。
IsatanhourortwobythesideoftheLittleGentleman’sbed,aftergivinghimsomehenbanetoquiethisbrain,andsomefoxglove,whichanimaginativeFrenchprofessorhascalledthe"OpiumoftheHeart。"Undertheirinfluencehegraduallyfellintoanuneasy,half-wakingslumber,thebodyfightinghardforeverybreath,andthemindwanderingoffinstrangefanciesandoldrecollections,whichescapedfromhislipsinbrokensentences——
Thelastof’em,——hesaid,——thelastof’emall,——thankGod!Andthegraveheliesinwilllookjustaswellasifhehadbeenstraight。Digitdeep,oldMartin,digitdeep,——andletitbeaslongasotherfolks’graves。Andmindyougetthesodsflat,oldman,——flataseverastraight-backedyoungfellowwaslaidunder。
Andthen,withagoodtallslabatthehead,andafoot-stonesixfootawayfromit,it’lllookjustasiftherewasamanunderneath。
Aman!Whosaidhewasaman?Nomoremenofthatpatterntobearhisname!——Usedtobeagood-lookingsetenough——Where’sallthemanhoodandwomanhoodgonetosincehisgreat-grandfatherwasthestrongestmanthatsailedoutofthetownofBoston,andpoorLeahtherethehandsomestwomaninEssex,ifshewasawitch?——
Givemesomelight,——hesaid,——morelight。Iwanttoseethepicture。
Hehadstartedeitherfromadreamorawanderingreverie。Iwasnotunwillingtohavemorelightintheapartment,andpresentlyhadlightedanastrallampthatstoodonatable——Hepointedtoaportraithangingagainstthewall——Lookather,——hesaid,——lookather!Wasn’tthataprettynecktoslipahangman’snooseover?
Theportraitwasofayoungwoman,somethingmorethantwentyyearsold,perhaps。TherewerefewpicturesofanymeritpaintedinNewEnglandbeforethetimeofSmibert,andIamatalosstoknowwhatartistcouldhavetakenthishalf-length,whichwasevidentlyfromlife。Itwassomewhatstiffandflat,butthegraceofthefigureandthesweetnessoftheexpressionremindedmeoftheangelsoftheearlyFlorentinepainters。Shemusthavebeenofsomeconsideration,forshewasdressedinpaduasoyandlacewithhangingsleeves,andtheoldcarvedframeshowedhowthepicturehadbeenprizedbyitsformerowners。Aproudeyeshehad,withallhersweetness——Ithinkitwasthatwhichhangedher,ashisstrongarmhangedMinisterGeorgeBurroughs;——butitmayhavebeenalittlemoleononecheek,whichtheartisthadjusthintedasabeautyratherthanadeformity。Youknow,Isuppose,thatnurslingimpsaddictthemselves,afterthefashionofyoungopossums,totheselittleexcrescences。"Witch-marks"weregoodevidencethatayoungwomanwasoneoftheDevil’swet-nurses;——Ishouldliketohaveseenyoumakefunoftheminthosedays!——Thenshehadabroochinherbodice,thatmighthavebeentakenforsomedevilishamuletorother;andsheworearingupononeofherfingers,witharedstoneinit,thatflamedasifthepainterhaddippedhispencilinfire;——
whoknowsbutthatitwasgivenherbyamidnightsuitorfreshfromthatfierceelement,andlicensedforaseasontoleavehiscouchofflametotempttheunsanctifiedheartsofearthlymaidensandbrandtheircheekswiththeprintofhisscorchingkisses?
SheandI,——hesaid,ashelookedsteadfastlyatthecanvas,——sheandIarethelastof’em——Shewillstay,andIshallgo。Theyneverpaintedme,——exceptwhentheboysusedtomakepicturesofmewithchalkontheboard-fences。TheysaidthedoctorswouldwantmyskeletonwhenIwasdead——Youaremyfriend,ifyouareadoctor,——a’n’tyou?
Ijustgavehimmyhand。Ihadnotthehearttospeak。
Iwanttoliestill,——hesaid,——afterIamputtobeduponthehillyonder。Can’tyouhaveagreatstonelaidoverme,astheydidoverthefirstsettlersintheoldburying-groundatDorchester,soastokeepthewolvesfromdiggingthemup?Ineverslepteasyoverthesod;——Ishouldliketoliequietunderit。Andbesides,——hesaid,inakindofscaredwhisper,——Idon’twanttohavemybonesstaredat,asmybodyhasbeen。Idon’tdoubtIwasaremarkablecase;
but,forGod’ssake,oh,forGod’ssake,don’tlet’emmakeashowofthecageIhavebeenshutupinandlookedthroughthebarsofforsomanyyears。
Ihavehearditsaidthattheartofhealingmakesmenhard-heartedandindifferenttohumansuffering。Iamwillingtoownthatthereisoftenaprofessionalhardnessinsurgeons,justasthereisintheologians,——onlymuchlessindegreethanintheselast。Itdoesnotcommonlyimprovethesympathiesofamantobeinthehabitofthrustingknivesintohisfellow-creaturesandburningthemwithred-hotirons,anymorethanitimprovesthemtoholdtheblinding-
whitecanteryofGehennabyitscoolhandleandscoreandcrispyoungsoulswithituntiltheyarescorchedintothebeliefof——
TransubstantiationortheImmaculateConception。And,tosaytheplaintruth,Ithinkthereareagoodmanycoarsepeopleinbothcallings。Adelicatenaturewillnotcommonlychooseapursuitwhichimpliesthehabitualinflictionofsuffering,soreadilyassomegentleroffice。Yet,whileIamwritingthisparagraph,therepassesbymywindow,onhisdailyerrandofduty,notseeingme,thoughIcatchaglimpseofhismanlyfeaturesthroughtheovalglassofhischaise,ashedrivesby,asurgeonofskillandstanding,sofriendly,somodest,sotenderheartedinallhisways,that,ifhehadnotapprovedhimselfatonceadroitandfirm,onewouldhavesaidhewasoftookindlyamouldtobetheministerofpain,evenifheweresavingpain。
Youmaybesurethatsomemen,evenamongthosewhohavechosenthetaskofpruningtheirfellow-creatures,growmoreandmorethoughtfulandtrulycompassionateinthemidstoftheircruelexperience。Theybecomelessnervous,butmoresympathetic。Theyhaveatruersensibilityforothers’pain,themoretheystudypainanddiseaseinthelightofscience。Ihavesaidthiswithoutclaiminganyspecialgrowthinhumanityformyself,thoughIdohopeIgrowtendererinmyfeelingsasIgrowolder。Atanyrate,thiswasnotatimeinwhichprofessionalhabitscouldkeepdowncertaininstinctsofolderdatethanthese。
Thispoorlittleman’sappealtomyhumanityagainstthesupposedrapacityofScience,whichhefearedwouldhaveher"specimen,"ifhisghostshouldwalkrestlesslyathousandyears,waitingforhisbonestobelaidinthedust,touchedmyheart。ButIfeltboundtospeakcheerily——
Wewon’tdieyetawhile,ifwecanhelpit,——Isaid,——andItrustwecanhelpit。Butdon’tbeafraid;ifIlivelongest,Iwillseethatyourrestingplaceiskeptsacredtillthedandelionsandbuttercupsblowoveryou。
Heseemedtohavegothiswitstogetherbythistime,andtohaveavagueconsciousnessthathemighthavebeensayingmorethanhemeantforanybody’sears——Ihavebeentalkingalittlewild,Sir,eh?hesaid——Thereisagreatbuzzinginmyheadwiththosedropsofyours,andIdoubtifmytonguehasnotbeenalittlelooserthanIwouldhaveit,Sir。ButIdon’tmuchwanttolive,Sir;that’sthetruthofthematter,anditdoesratherpleasemetothinkthatfiftyyearsfromnownobodywillknowthattheplacewhereIliedoesn’tholdasstoutandstraightamanasthebestof’emthatstretchoutasiftheywereproudoftheroomtheytake。Youmaygetmewell,ifyoucan,Sir,ifyouthinkitworthwhiletotry;
butItellyoutherehasbeennotimeforthismanyayearwhenthesmelloffreshearthwasnotsweetertomethanalltheflowersthatgrowoutofit。There’snoanodynelikeyourgoodcleangravel,Sir。Butifyoucankeepmeaboutawhile,anditamusesyoutotry,youmayshowyourskilluponme,ifyoulike。ThereisapleasureortwothatIlovethedaylightfor,andIthinkthenightisnotfaroff,atbest——IbelieveIshallsleepnow;youmayleaveme,andcome,ifyoulike,inthemorning。
BeforeIpassedout,Itookonemoreglanceroundtheapartment。
Thebeautifulfaceoftheportraitlookedatme,asportraitsoftendo,withafrightfulkindofintelligenceinitseyes。Thedraperyflutteredonthestilloutstretchedarmofthetallobjectnearthewindow;——acrackofthiswasopen,nodoubt,andsomebreathofwindstirredthehangingfolds。Inmyexcitedstate,Iseemedtoseesomethingominousinthatarmpointingtotheheavens。IthoughtofthefiguresintheDanceofDeathatBasle,andthatotheronthepanelsofthecoveredBridgeatLucerne,anditseemedtomethatthegrimmaskwhomingleswitheverycrowdandglidesovereverythresholdwaspointingthesickmantohisfarhome,andwouldsoonstretchouthisbonyhandandleadhimordraghimontheunmeasuredjourneytowardsit。
Thefancyhadpossessionofme,andIshiveredagainaswhenIfirstenteredthechamber。Thepictureandtheshroudedshape;Isawonlythesetwoobjects。Theywereenough。Thehousewasdeadlystill,andthenight-wind,blowingthroughanopenwindow,struckmeasfromafieldofice,atthemomentIpassedintothecreakingcorridor。AsIturnedintothecommonpassage,awhitefigure,holdingalamp,stoodfullbeforeme。Ithoughtatfirstitwasoneofthoseimagesmadetostandinnichesandholdalightintheirhands。Buttheillusionwasmomentary,andmyeyesspeedilyrecoveredfromtheshockofthebrightflameandsnowydraperytoseethatthefigurewasabreathingone。ItwasIris,inoneofherstatue-trances。Shehadcomedown,whethersleepingorwaking,I
knewnotatfirst,ledbyaninstinctthattoldhershewaswanted,——
or,possibly,havingoverheardandinterpretedthesoundofourmovements,——or,itmaybe,havinglearnedfromtheservantthattherewastroublewhichmightaskforawoman’shand。Isometimesthinkwomenhaveasixthsense,whichtellsthemthatothers,whomtheycannotseeorhear,areinsuffering。Howsurelywefindthematthebedsideofthedying!HowstronglydoesNaturepleadforthem,thatweshoulddrawourfirstbreathintheirarms,aswesighawayourlastupontheirfaithfulbreasts!
Withwhite,barefeet,herhairlooselyknotted,cladasthestarlightknewher,andthemorningwhensherosefromslumber,savethatshehadtwistedascarfroundherlongdress,shestoodstillasastonebeforeme,holdinginonehandalightedcoilofwaxtaper,andintheotherasilvergoblet。Iheldmyownlampclosetoher,asifshehadbeenafigureofmarble,andshedidnotstir。Therewasnobreachofproprietythen,toscarethePoorRelationwithandbreedscandaloutof。Shehadbeen"warnedinadream,"doubtlesssuggestedbyherwakingknowledgeandthesoundswhichhadreachedherexaltedsense。Therewasnothingmorenaturalthanthatsheshouldhaverisenandgirdledherwaist,andlightedhertaper,andfoundthesilvergobletwith"Exdonopupillorum"onit,fromwhichshehadtakenhermilkandpossetsthroughallherchildishyears,andsogoneblindlyouttofindherplaceatthebedside,——aSisterofCharitywithoutthecapandrosary;nay,unknowingwhitherherfeetwereleadingher,andwithwideblankeyesseeingnothingbutthevisionthatbeckonedheralong——Well,Imustwakeherfromherslumberortrance——Icalledhername,butshedidnotheedmyvoice。
TheDevilputitintomyheadthatIwouldkissonehandsomeyounggirlbeforeIdied,andnowwasmychance。Sheneverwouldknowit,andIshouldcarrytheremembranceofitwithmeintothegrave,andaroseperhapsgrowoutofmydust,asabrierdidoutofLordLovers,inmemoryofthatimmortalmoment!Woulditwakeherfromhertrance?andwouldsheseemeintheflushofmystolentriumph,andhateanddespisemeeverafter?OrshouldIcarryoffmytrophyundetected,andalwaysfromthattimesaytomyself,whenIlookeduponherinthegloryofyouthandthesplendorofbeauty,"Mylipshavetouchedthoserosesandmadetheirsweetnessmineforever"?
Youthinkmycheekwasflushed,perhaps,andmyeyeswereglitteringwiththismidnightflashofopportunity。Onthecontrary,IbelieveIwaspale,verypale,andIknowthatItrembled。Ah,itisthepalepassionsthatarethefiercest,——itistheviolenceofthechillthatgivesthemeasureofthefever!Thefighting-boyofourschoolalwaysturnedwhitewhenhewentouttoapitchedbattlewiththebullyofsomeneighboringvillage;butweknewwhathisbloodlesscheeksmeant,——thebloodwasallinhisstoutheart,——hewasaslightboy,andtherewasnotenoughtoreddenhisfaceandfillhisheartbothatonce。
Perhapsitismakingagooddealofaslightmatter,totelltheinternalconflictsintheheartofaquietpersonsomethingmorethanjuvenileandsomethinglessthansenile,astowhetherheshouldbeguiltyofanimpropriety,and,ifhewere,whetherhewouldgetcaughtinhisindiscretion。AndyetthememoryofthekissthatMargaretofScotlandgavetoAlainChartierhaslastedfourhundredyears,andputitintotheheadofmanyanill-favoredpoet,whetherVictoria,orEugenie,woulddoasmuchbyhim,ifshehappenedtopasshimwhenhewasasleep。AndhaveweeverforgottenthatthefreshcheekoftheyoungJohnMiltontingledunderthelipsofsomehigh-bornItalianbeauty,who,Ibelieve,didnotthinktoleavehercardbythesideoftheslumberingyouth,buthasbequeathedthememoryofherprettydeedtoallcomingtime?Thesoundofakissisnotsoloudasthatofacannon,butitsecholastsadeallonger。
Thereisonedisadvantagewhichthemanofphilosophicalhabitsofmindsuffers,ascomparedwiththemanofaction。Whileheistakinganenlargedandrationalviewofthematterbeforehim,heletshischanceslipthroughhisfingers。Iriswokeup,ofherownaccord,beforeIhadmadeupmymindwhatIwasgoingtodoaboutit。
WhenIrememberhowcharminglyshelooked,Idon’tblamemyselfatallforbeingtempted;butifIhadbeenfoolenoughtoyieldtotheimpulse,Ishouldcertainlyhavebeenashamedtotellofit。Shedidnotknowwhattomakeofit,findingherselftherealone,insuchguise,andmestaringather。Shelookeddownatherwhiterobeandbarefeet,andcolored,——thenatthegobletsheheldinherhand,thenatthetaper;andatlastherthoughtsseemedtoclearup。
Iknowitall,——shesaid——Heisgoingtodie,andImustgoandsitbyhim。NobodywillcareforhimasIshall,andIhavenobodyelsetocarefor。
Iassuredherthatnothingwasneededforhimthatnightbutrest,andpersuadedherthattheexcitementofherpresencecouldonlydoharm。Lethimsleep,andhewouldveryprobablyawakebetterinthemorning。Therewasnothingtobesaid,forIspokewithauthority;
andtheyounggirlglidedawaywithnoiselessstepandsoughtherownchamber。
Thetremorpassedawayfrommylimbs,andthebloodbegantoburninmycheeks。Thebeautifulimagewhichhadsobewitchedmefadedgraduallyfrommyimagination,andIreturnedtothestillperplexingmysteriesofmylittleneighbor’schamber。
Allwasstilltherenow。Noplaintivesounds,nomonotonousmurmurs,noshuttingofwindowsanddoorsatstrangehours,asifsomethingorsomebodywerecominginorgoingout,ortherewassomethingtobehiddeninthosedarkmahoganypresses。IsthereaninnerapartmentthatIhavenotseen?Thewayinwhichthehouseisbuiltmightadmitofit。AsIthoughtitover,IatonceimaginedaBluebeard’schamber。Suppose,forinstance,thatthenarrowbookshelvestotherightarereallyonlyamaskeddoor,suchaswerememberleadingtotheprivatestudyofoneofourmostdistinguishedtownsmen,wholovedtostealawayfromhisstatelylibrarytothatlittlesilentcell。Ifthiswerelightedfromabove,apersonorpersonsmightpasstheirdaystherewithoutattractingattentionfromthehousehold,andwanderwheretheypleasedatnight,——toCopp’s-Hillburial-ground,iftheyliked,——I
saidtomyself,laughing,andpullingthebed-clothesovermyhead。
Thereisnologicinsuperstitious-fanciesanymorethanindreams。
Ashe-ghostwouldn’twantaninnerchambertoherself。Alivewoman,withavaluablesopranovoice,wouldn’tstartoffatnighttosprainheranklesovertheoldgravesoftheNorth-Endcemetery。
Itisallveryeasyforyou,middle-agedreader,sittingoverthispageinthebroaddaylight,tocallmebyallmannerofasinineandanserineunchristiannames,becauseIhadthesefanciesrunningthroughmyhead。Idon’tcaremuchforyourabuse。Thequestionisnot,whatitisreasonableforamantothinkabout,butwhatheactuallydoesthinkabout,inthedark,andwhenbeisalone,andhiswholebodyseemsbutonegreatnerveofhearing,andheseesthephosphorescentflashesofhisowneyeballsastheyturnsuddenlyinthedirectionofthelaststrangenoise,——whatheactuallydoesthinkabout,asheliesandrecallsallthewildstorieshisheadisfullof,hisfancyhintingthemostalarmingconjecturestoaccountforthesimplestfactsabouthim,hiscommon-senselaughingthemtoscornthenextminute,buthismindstillreturningtothem,underoneshapeoranother,untilhegetsverynervousandfoolish,andremembershowpleasantitusedtobetohavehismothercomeandtuckhimupandgoandsitwithincall,sothatshecouldhearhimatanyminute,ifhegotverymuchscaredandwantedher。Oldbabiesthatweare!
Daylightwillclearupallthatlamp-lighthasleftdoubtful。I
longedforthemorningtocome,forIwasmorecuriousthanever。
So,betweenmyfanciesandanticipations,Ihadbutapoornightofit,andcamedowntiredtothebreakfast-table。Myvisitwasnottobemadeuntilafterthismorninghour;therewasnothingurgent,sotheservantwasorderedtotellme。
ItwasthefirstbreakfastatwhichthehighchairatthesideofIrishadbeenunoccupied——Youmightjestaswelltakeawaythatchair,——saidourlandlady,——he’llneverwantitagain。Heactslikeamanthat’sstruckwithdeath,’n’Idon’tbelievehe’llevercomeoutofhischambertillhe’slaidoutandbroughtdownacorpse——Thesegoodwomendoputthingssoplainly!Thereweretwoorthreewordsinhershortremarkthatalwayssoberpeople,andsuggestsilenceorbriefmoralreflections——
Lifeisdreadfuluncerting,——saidthePoorRelation,——andpulledinhersocialtentaclestoconcentrateherthoughtsonthisfactofhumanhistory——
Iftherewasanythingafellahcoulddo,——saidtheyoungmanJohn,socalled,——afellah’dlikethechanceo’helpin’alittlecripplelikethat。Helooksasifhecouldn’tturnoveranyhandierthanaturtlethat’slaidonhisback;andIguesstherea’n’tmanypeoplethatknowhowtoliftbetterthanIdo。Askhimifhedon’twantanywatchers。Idon’tmindsettin’upanymore’nacat-owl。Iwasupallnighttwicelastmonth。
[Myprivateopinionis,thattherewasnosmallamountofpunchabsorbedonthosetwooccasions,whichIthinkIheardofatthetime;——buttheofferisakindone,anditisn’tfairtoquestionhowhewouldlikesittingupwithoutthepunchandthecompanyandthesongsandsmoking。Hemeanswhathesays,anditwouldbeamoreconsiderableachievementforhimtositquietlyallnightbyasickmanthanforagoodmanyotherpeople。Itellyouthisoddthing:thereareagoodmanypersons,who,throughthehabitofmakingotherfolksuncomfortable,byfindingfaultwithalltheircheerfulenjoyments,atlastgetupakindofhostilitytocomfortingeneral,evenintheirownpersons。Thecorrelativetolovingourneighborsasourselvesishatingourselvesaswehateourneighbors。Lookatoldmisers;firsttheystarvetheirdependants,andthenthemselves。SoIthinkitmoreforalivelyyoungfellowtobereadytoplaynursethanforoneofthoseusefulbutforlornmartyrswhohavetakenaspiteagainstthemselvesandlovetogratifyitbyfastingandwatching——
Thetimecameatlastformetomakemyvisit。IfoundIrissittingbytheLittleGentleman’spillow。Tomydisappointment,theroomwasdarkened。Hedidnotlikethelight,andwouldhavetheshutterskeptnearlyclosed。Itwasgoodenoughforme;whatbusinesshadItobeindulgingmycuriosity,whenIhadnothingtodobuttoexercisesuchskillasIpossessedforthebenefitofmypatient?Therewasnotmuchtobesaidordoneinsuchacase;butIspokeasencouraginglyasIcould,asIthinkwearealwaysboundtodo。Hedidnotseemtopayanyveryanxiousattention,butthepoorgirllistenedasifherownlifeandmorethanherownlifeweredependingonthewordsIuttered。Shefollowedmeoutoftheroom,whenIhadgotthroughmyvisit。
Howlong?——shesaid。
Uncertain。Anytime;to-day,——nextweek,nextmonth,——Ianswered——
Oneofthosecaseswheretheissueisnotdoubtful,butmaybesuddenorslow。
Thewomenofthehousewerekind,aswomenalwaysareintrouble。
ButIrispretendedthatnobodycouldsparethetimeaswellasshe,andkeptherplace,hourafterhour,untilthelandladyinsistedthatshe’dbekillin’herself,ifshebegunatthatrate,’n’haftogiveup,ifshedidn’twanttobecleanbeatoutinless’naweek。
Atthetableweweregraverthancommon。Thehighchairwassetbackagainstthewall,andagapleftbetweenthatoftheyounggirlandhernearestneighbor’sontheright。Butthenextmorning,toourgreatsurprise,thatgood-lookingyoungMarylanderhadveryquietlymovedhisownchairtothevacantplace。Ithoughthewascreepingdownthatway,butIwasnotpreparedforaleapspanningsuchatremendousparenthesisofboardersasthischangeofpositionincluded。Therewasnodenyingthattheyouthandmaidenwereahandsomepair,astheysatsidebyside。Butwhatevertheyounggirlmayhavethoughtofhernewneighborsheneverseemedforamomenttoforgetthepoorlittlefriendwhohadbeentakenfromherside。Therearewomen,andevengirls,withwhomitisofnousetotalk。Onemightaswellreasonwithabeeastotheformofhiscell,orwithanorioleastotheconstructionofhisswingingnest,astrytostirthesecreaturesfromtheirownwayofdoingtheirownwork。ItwasnotaquestionwithIris,whethershewasentitledbyanyspecialrelationorbythefitnessofthingstoplaythepartofanurse。Shewasawilfulcreaturethatmusthaveherwayinthismatter。Anditsoprovedthatitcalledformuchpatienceandlongendurancetocarrythroughtheduties,sayratherthekindoffices,thepainfulpleasures,whichshehadchosenashershareinthehouseholdwhereaccidenthadthrownher。Shehadthatgeniusofministrationwhichisthespecialprovinceofcertainwomen,markedevenamongtheirhelpfulsistersbyasoft,lowvoice,aquietfootfall,alighthand,acheeringsmile,andareadyself-surrendertotheobjectsoftheircare,whichsuchtriflesastheirownfood,sleep,orhabitsofanykindneverpresumetointerferewith。
Dayafterday,andtoooftenthroughthelongwatchesofthenight,shekeptherplacebythepillow。
Thatgirlwillkillherselfoverme,Sir,——saidthepoorLittleGentlemantome,oneday,——shewillkillherself,Sir,ifyoudon’tcallinalltheresourcesofyourarttogetmeoffassoonasmaybe。Ishallwearherout,Sir,withsittinginthisclosechamberandwatchingwhensheoughttobesleeping,ifyouleavemetothecareofNaturewithoutdosingme。
Thiswasratherstrangepleasantry,underthecircumstances。Buttherearecertainpersonswhoseexistenceissooutofparallelwiththelargerlawsinthemidstofwhichitismoving,thatlifebecomestothemasdeathanddeathaslife——HowamIgettingalong?——hesaid,anothermorning。Heliftedhisshrivelledhand,withthedeath’s-headringonit,andlookedatitwithasadsortofcomplacency。Bythisonemovement,whichIhaveseenrepeatedlyoflate,Iknowthathisthoughtshavegonebeforetoanothercondition,andthatheis,asitwere,lookingbackontheinfirmitiesofthebodyasaccidentsofthepast。For,whenhewaswell,onemightseehimoftenlookingatthehandsomehandwiththeflamingjewelononeofitsfingers。Thesinglewell-shapedlimbwasthesourceofthatpleasurewhichinsomeformorotherNaturealmostalwaysgrantstoherleastrichlyendowedchildren。Handsomehair,eyes,complexion,feature,form,hand,foot,pleasantvoice,strength,grace,agility,intelligence,——howfewtherearethathavenotjustenoughofoneatleastofthesegiftstoshowthemthatthegoodMother,busywithhermillionsofchildren,hasnotquiteforgottenthem!Butnowhewasthinkingofthatotherstate,where,freefromallmortalimpediments,thememoryofhissorrowfulburdenshouldbeonlyasthatofthecasehehasshedtotheinsectwhose"deep-damaskedwings"beatoffthegoldendustofthelily-anthers,ashefluttersintheecstasyofhisnewlifeovertheirfull-blownsummerglories。
Nohumanbeingcanrestforanytimeinastateofequilibrium,wherethedesiretoliveandthattodepartjustbalanceeachother。
Ifonehasahouse,whichhehaslivedandalwaysmeanstolivein,hepleaseshimselfwiththethoughtofalltheconveniencesitoffershim,andthinkslittleofitswantsandimperfections。Butoncehavingmadeuphismindtomovetoabetter,everyincommoditystartsoutuponhim,untiltheveryground-planofitseemstohavechangedinhismind,andhisthoughtsandaffections,eachoneofthempackingupitslittlebundleofcircumstances,havequittedtheirseveralchambersandnooksandmigratedtothenewhome,longbeforeitsapartmentsarereadytoreceivetheircomingtenant。Itissowiththebody。Mostpersonshavediedbeforetheyexpire,——
diedtoallearthlylongings,sothatthelastbreathisonly,asitwere,thelockingofthedoorofthealreadydesertedmansion。Thefactofthetranquillitywithwhichthegreatmajorityofdyingpersonsawaitthislockingofthosegatesoflifethroughwhichitsairyangelshavebeengoingandcoming,fromthemomentofthefirstcry,isfamiliartothosewhohavebeenoftencalledupontowitnessthelastperiodoflife。AlmostalwaysthereisapreparationmadebyNatureforunearthingasoul,justasonthesmallerscalethereisfortheremovalofamilktooth。Therootswhichholdhumanlifetoearthareabsorbedbeforeitisliftedfromitsplace。Someofthedyingarewearyandwantrest,theideaofwhichisalmostinseparableintheuniversalmindfromdeath。Someareinpain,andwanttoberidofit,eventhoughtheanodynebedropped,asinthelegend,fromtheswordoftheDeath-Angel。Somearestupid,mercifullynarcotizedthattheymaygotosleepwithoutlongtossingabout。Andsomearestronginfaithandhope,sothat,astheydrawnearthenextworld,theywouldfairhurrytowardit,asthecaravanmovesfasteroverthesandswhentheforemosttravellerssendwordalongthefilethatwaterisinsight。Thougheachlittlepartythatfollowsinafoot-trackofitsownwillhaveitthatthewatertowhichothersthinktheyarehasteningisamirage,notthelesshasitbeentrueinallagesandforhumanbeingsofeverycreedwhichrecognizedafuture,thatthosewhohavefallenwornoutbytheirmarchthroughtheDeserthavedreamedatleastofaRiverofLife,andthoughttheyhearditsmurmursastheylaydying。
Thechangefromtheclingingtothepresenttothewelcomingofthefuturecomesverysoon,forthemostpart,afterallhopeoflifeisextinguished,providedthisbeleftingooddegreetoNature,andnotinsolentlyandcruellyforceduponthosewhoareattackedbyillness,onthestrengthofthatodiousforeknowledgeoftenimpartedbyscience,beforethewhitefruitwhosecoreisashes,andwhichwecalldeath,hassetbeneaththepallidanddroopingflowerofsickness。Thereisasingularsagacityveryoftenshowninapatient’sestimateofhisownvitalforce。Hisphysicianknowsthestateofhismaterialframewellenough,perhaps,——thatthisorthatorganismoreorlessimpairedordisintegrated;butthepatienthasasensethathecanholdoutsomuchlonger,——sometimesthathemustandwillliveforawhile,thoughbythelogicofdiseaseheoughttodiewithoutanydelay。
TheLittleGentlemancontinuedtofail,untilitbecameplainthathisremainingdayswerefew。Itoldthehouseholdwhattoexpect。
Therewasagooddealofkindfeelingexpressedamongtheboarders,invariousmodes,accordingtotheircharactersandstyleofsympathy。Thelandladywasurgentthatheshouldtryacertainnostrumwhichhadsavedsomebody’slifeinjestsechacase。ThePoorRelationwantedmetocarry,asfromher,acopyof"Allein’sAlarm,"etc。Iobjectedtothetitle,remindingherthatitoffendedpeopleofold,sothatmorethantwiceasmanyofthebookweresoldwhentheychangedthenameto"ASureGuidetoHeaven。"
ThegoodoldgentlemanwhomIhavementionedbeforehascometothetimeoflifewhenmanyoldmencryeasily,andforgettheirtearsaschildrendo——Hewasaworthygentleman,——hesaid,——averyworthygentleman,butunfortunate,——veryunfortunate。Sadlydeformedaboutthespineandthefeet。HadanimpressionthatthelateLordByronhadsomemalformationofthiskind。Hadheerdtherewassomethingthematterwiththeankle-j’intsofthatnobleman,buthewasamanoftalents。Thisgentlemanseemedtobeamanoftalents。Couldnotalwaysagreewithhisstatements,——thoughthewasalittleover-
partialtothiscity,andhadsomefreeopinions;butwassorrytolosehim,——andif——therewasanything——he——could。Inthemidstofthesekindexpressions,thegentlemanwiththediamond,theKoh-i-
noor,aswecalledhim,asked,inaveryunpleasantsortofway,howtheoldboywaslikelytocutup,——meaningwhatmoneyourfriendwasgoingtoleavebehind。
TheyoungfellowJohnspokeup,totheeffectthatthiswasadiabolishsnobbyquestion,whenamanwasdyingandnotdead——TothistheKoh-i-noorreplied,byaskingiftheothermeanttoinsulthim。WheretotheyoungmanJohnrejoinedthathehadnoparticul’rintentionsonewayort’other-TheKohi-noorthensuggestedtheyoungman’ssteppingoutintotheyard,thathe,thespeaker,might"slaphischops。"——Let’emalone,saidyoungMaryland,——it’llsoonbeover,andtheywon’thurteachothermuch——Sotheywentout。
TheKoh-i-noorentertainedtheverycommonidea,that,whenonequarrelswithanother,thesimplethingtodoistoknockthemandown,andthereistheendofit。Nowthosewhohavewatchedsuchencountersareawareoftwothings:first,thatitisnotsoeasytoknockamandownasitistotalkaboutit;secondly,that,ifyoudohappentoknockamandown,thereisaverygoodchancethathewillbeangry,andgetupandgiveyouathrashing。
SotheKoh-i-noorthoughthewouldbegin,assoonastheygotintotheyard,byknockinghismandown,andwiththisintentionswunghisarmroundafterthefashionofrusticsandthoseunskilledinthenobleart,expectingtheyoungfellowJohntodropwhenhisfist,havingcompletedaquarterofacircle,shouldcomeincontactwiththesideofthatyoungman’shead。Unfortunatelyforthistheory,ithappensthatablowstruckoutstraightisasmuchshorter,andthereforeasmuchquickerthantherustic’sswingingblow,astheradiusisshorterthanthequarterofacircle。Themathematicalandmechanicalcorollarywas,thattheKoh-i-noorfeltsomethinghardbringupsuddenlyagainsthisrighteye,whichsomethinghecouldhaveswornwasapaving-stone,judgingbyhissensations;andasthisthrewhispersonsomewhatbackwards,andtheyoungmanJohnjerkedhisownheadbackalittle,theswingingblowhadnothingtostopit;andastheJewelstaggeredbetweenthehithegotandtheblowhemissed,hetrippedand"wenttograss,"sofarastheback-yardofourboardinghousewasprovidedwiththatvegetable。Itwasasignalillustrationofthatfatalmistake,sofrequentinyoungandardentnatureswithinconspicuouscalvesandnegativepectorals,thattheycansettlemostlittlequarrelsonthespotby"knockingthemandown。"
Weareinthehabitofhandlingourfacessocarefully,thataheavyblow,takingeffectonthatportionofthesurface,producesamostunpleasantsurprise,whichisaccompaniedwithoddsensations,asofseeingsparks,andakindofelectricalorozone-likeodor,half-
sulphurousincharacter,andwhichhasgivenrisetoaveryvulgarandprofanethreatsometimesheardfromthelipsofbullies。A
personnotusedtopugilisticgesturesdoesnotinstantlyrecoverfromthissurprise。TheKoh-i-noorexasperatedbyhisfailure,andstillalittleconfusedbythesmarthithehadreceived,butfurious,andconfidentofvictoryoverayoungfellowagooddeallighterthanhimself,madeadesperaterushtobeardownallbeforehimandfinishthecontestatonce。Thatisthewayallangrygreenhornsandincompetentpersonsattempttosettlematters。Itdoesn’tdo,iftheotherfellowisonlycool,moderatelyquick,andhasaverylittlescience。Itdidn’tdothistime;for,astheassailantrushedinwithhisarmsflyingeverywhere,likethevansofawindmill,beranaprominentfeatureofhisfaceagainstafistwhichwastravellingintheotherdirection,andimmediatelyafterstrucktheknucklesoftheyoungman’sotherfistasevereblowwiththepartofhispersonknownastheepigastriumtoonebranchofscienceandthebread-baskettoanother。Thissecondroundclosedthebattle。TheKoh-i-noorhadgotenough,whichinsuchcasesismorethanasgoodasafeast。Theyoungfellowaskedhimifhewassatisfied,andheldouthishand。Buttheothersulked,andmutteredsomethingaboutrevenge——Jestasyelike,——saidtheyoungmanJohn——Clapasliceo’rawbeefsteakontothatmouseo’yours’n’’t’lltakedowntheswellin’。Mouseisatechnicaltermforabluish,oblong,roundedelevationoccasionedbyrunningone’sforeheadoreyebrowagainstanother’sknuckles。Theyoungfellowwasparticularlypleasedthathehadhadanopportunityoftryinghisproficiencyintheartofself-defencewithoutthegloves。TheKoh-i-noordidnotfavoruswithhiscompanyforadayortwo,beingconfinedtohischamber,itwassaid,byaslightfeverish,attack。