Thereaderofto-daywillnotforget，Itrust，thatitisnearlyaquarterofacenturysincethesepaperswerewritten。Statementswhichweretruethenarenotnecessarilytruenow。Thus，thespeedofthetrottinghorsehasbeensomuchdevelopedthattherecordoftheyearwhenthefastesttimetothatdatewasgivenmustbeveryconsiderablyaltered，asmaybeseenbyreferringtoanoteonpage49ofthe"Autocrat。"NodoubtmanyotherstatementsandopinionsmightbemoreorlessmodifiedifIwerewritingtodayinsteadofhavingwrittenbeforethewar，whentheworldandIwerebothmorethanascoreofyearsyounger。
　　Thesepapersfollowedcloseuponthetrackofthe"Autocrat。"Theyhadtoendurethetrialtowhichallsecondcomersaresubjected，whichisaformidableordealfortheleastaswellasthegreatest。
　　ParadiseRegainedandtheSecondPartofFaustareexampleswhichareenoughtowarneveryonewhohasmadeajinglefairhitwithhisarrowofthedangerofmissingwhenhelooses"hisfellowoftheselfsameflight。"
　　Thereisgoodreasonwhyitshouldbeso。Thefirstjuicethatrunsofitselffromthegrapescomesfromtheheartofthefruit，andtastesofthepulponly；whenthegrapesaresqueezedinthepresstheflowbetraystheflavoroftheskin。Ifthereisanyfreshnessintheoriginalideaofthework，ifthereisanyindividualityinthemethodorstyleofanewauthor，orofanoldauthoronanewtrack，itwillhavelostmuchofitsfirsteffectwhenrepeated。
　　Still，therehavenotbeenwantingreaderswhohavepreferredthissecondseriesofpaperstothefirst。Thenewpapersweremoreaggressivethantheearlierones，andforthatreasonfoundaheartierwelcomeinsomequarters，andmetwithasharperantagonisminothers。Itamusesmetolookbackonsomeoftheattackstheycalledforth。Opinionswhichdonotexcitethefaintestshowoftemperatthistimefromthosewhodonotacceptthemweretreatedasiftheyweretheutterancesofanihilistincendiary。Itrequiredtheexerciseofsomeforbearancenottorecriminate。
　　Howastraysentence，apopularsaying，themaximofsomewiseman，alineaccidentallyfallenuponandremembered，willsometimeshelponewhenheisallreadytobevexedorindignant！Oneday，inthetimewhenIwasyoungoryoungish，Ihappenedtoopenasmallcopyof"TomJones，"andglanceatthetitle-page。Therewasoneofthoselittleengravingsopposite，whichborethefamiliarnameof"T。Uwins，"asI
　　rememberit，andunderitthewords"Mr。Partridgeboreallthispatiently。"Howmanytimes，when，afterroughusagefromill-manneredcritics，myownvocabularyofvituperationwassimmeringinsuchalivelywaythatitthreatenedtoboilandliftitslidandsoboilover，thosewordshavecalmedthesmallinternaleffervescence！Thereisverylittleinthemandverylittleofthem；
　　andsothereisnotmuchinalinchpinconsideredbyitself，butitoftenkeepsawheelfromcomingoffandpreventswhatmightbeacatastrophe。Thechieftroubleinofferingsuchpapersasthesetothereadersofto-dayisthattheirheresieshavebecomesofamiliaramongintelligentpeoplethattheyhavetoocommonplaceanaspect。
　　Allthelighthousesandland-marksofbeliefbearsodifferentlyfromthewayinwhichtheypresentedthemselveswhenthesepaperswerewrittenthatitishardtorecognizethatweandourfellow-
　　passengersarestillinthesameoldvesselsailingthesameunfathomableseaandboundtothesameasyetunseenharbor。
　　Butafterall，thereisnotenoughtheology，goodorbad，inthesepaperstocausethemtobeinscribedontheProtestantIndexExpurgatorius；andiftheyaremedicatedwithafewquestionabledogmasorantidogmas，thepublichasbecomeusedtosomuchroughertreatments，thatwhatwasonceanirritantmaynowactasananodyne，andthereadermaynodoverpageswhich，whentheywerefirstwritten，wouldhavewakedhimintoaparoxysmofprotestanddenunciation。
　　November，1882。
　　PREFACETOTHENEWEDITION
　　Thisbookisoneofthosewhich，ifitlivesforanumberofdecades，andifitrequiresanyPrefaceatall，wantsanewoneeverytenyears。ThefirstPrefacetoabookisapttobeexplanatory，perhapsapologetic，intheexpectationofattacksfromvariousquarters。Ifthebookisinsomepointsinadvanceofpublicopinion，itisnaturalthatthewritershouldtrytosmooththewaytothereceptionofhismoreorlessaggressiveideas。Hewishestoconvince，nottooffend，——toobtainahearingforhisthought，nottostirupangryoppositioninthosewhodonotacceptit。ThereiscommonlyananxiouslookaboutafirstPreface。Theauthorthinksheshallbemisapprehendedaboutthisorthatmatter，thathiswell-meantexpressionswillprobablybeinvidiouslyinterpretedbythosewhomhelooksuponasprejudicedcritics，andifhedealswithlivingquestionsthathewillbeattackedasadestructivebytheconservativesandreproachedforhistimiditybythenoisierradicals。ThefirstPreface，therefore，islikelytobetheweakestpartofaworkcontainingthethoughtsofanhonestwriter。
　　Afteratimethewriterhascooleddownfromhisexcitement，——hasgotoverhisapprehensions，ispleasedtofindthathisbookisstillread，andthathemustwriteanewPreface。Hecomessmilingtohistask。Howmanythingshaveexplainedthemselvesinthetenortwentyorthirtyyearssincehecamebeforehisuntriedpublicinthosealmostplaintiveparagraphsinwhichheintroducedhimselftohisreaders，——forthePrefacewriter，nomatterhowfierceacombatanthemayprove，comesontothestagewithhisshieldonhisrightarmandhisswordinhislefthand。
　　TheProfessorattheBreakfast-Tablecameoutinthe"AtlanticMonthly"andintroduceditselfwithoutanyformalPreface。AquarterofacenturylaterthePrefaceof1882，whichthereaderhasjusthadlaidbeforehim，waswritten。Thereisnomarkofworry，Ithink，inthat。Oldopponentshadcomeupandshakenhandswiththeauthortheyhadattackedordenounced。Newspaperswhichhadwarnedtheirsubscribersagainsthimweregladtogethimasacontributortotheircolumns。Agreatchangehadcomeoverthecommunitywithreferencetotheirbeliefs。Christianbelieverswereunitedasneverbeforeinthefeelingthat，afterall，theircommonobjectwastoelevatethemoralandreligiousstandardofhumanity。ButwithinthespecialcompartmentsofthegreatChristianfoldthemarksofdivisionhavepronouncedthemselvesinthemostunmistakablemanner。
　　Asanexamplewemaytakethelinesofcleavagewhichhaveshownthemselvesinthetwogreatchurches，theCongregationalandthePresbyterian，andtheverydistinctfissurewhichismanifestinthetransplantedAnglicanchurchofthiscountry。Recentcircumstanceshavebroughtoutthefactofthegreatchangeinthedogmaticcommunitieswhichhasbeengoingonsilentlybutsurely。Thelicensingofamissionary，thetransferofaProfessorfromonedepartmenttoanother，theelectionofaBishop，——eachofthesemovementsfurnishesevidencethatthereisnosuchthingasanair-
　　tightreservoirofdoctrinalfinalities。
　　Thefolding-doorsarewideopentoeveryProtestanttoenteralltheprivilegedprecinctsandprivateapartmentsofthevariousexclusivereligiousorganizations。Wemaydemandthecredentialsofeverycreedandcatechiseallthecatechisms。Sowemaydiscussthegravestquestionsunblamedoverourmorningcoffee-cupsoroureveningtea-cups。ThereisnorestfortheProtestantuntilhegivesuphislegendaryanthropologyandallitsdogmaticdependencies。
　　Itisonlyincidentally，however，thattheProfessorattheBreakfast-Tablehandlesmatterswhicharethesubjectsofreligiouscontroversy。Thereaderwhoissensitiveabouthavinghisfixedbeliefsdealtwithasiftheywereopentoquestionhadbetterskipthepageswhichlookasiftheywoulddisturbhiscomplacency。
　　"Faith"isthemostpreciousofpossessions，anditdislikesbeingmeddledwith。Itmeans，ofcourse，self-trust，——thatis，abeliefinthevalueofour，ownopinionofadoctrine，ofachurch，ofareligion，ofaBeing，abeliefquiteindependentofanyevidencethatwecanbringtoconvinceajuryofourfellowbeings。Itsrootsarethusinextricablyentangledwiththoseofself-loveandbleedasmandrakesweresaidto，whenpulledupasweeds。Somepersonsmayevenatthislatedaytakeoffenceatafewopinionsexpressedinthefollowingpages，butmostofthesepassageswillbereadwithoutlossoftemperbythosewhodisagreewiththem，andby-and-bytheymaybefoundtootimidandconservativeforintelligentreaders，iftheyarestillreadbyany。
　　BEVERLYFARM，MASS。，June18，1891。
　　O。W。H。
　　THEPROFESSOR
　　ATTHE
　　BREAKFAST-TABLE。
　　Whathesaid，whatheheard，andwhathesaw。
　　I
　　Iintendedtohavesignalizedmyfirstappearancebyacertainlargestatement，whichIflattermyselfisthenearestapproachtoauniversalformula，oflifeyetpromulgatedatthisbreakfast-table。
　　Itwouldhavehadagrandeffect。ForthispurposeIfixedmyeyesonacertaindivinity-student，withtheintentionofexchangingafewphrases，andthenforcingmycourt-card，namely，Thegreatendofbeing——Iwillthankyouforthesugar，——Isaid——Manisadependentcreature。
　　Itisasmallfavortoask，——saidthedivinity-student，——andpassedthesugartome——
　　Lifeisagreatbundleoflittlethings，——Isaid。
　　Thedivinity-studentsmiled，asifthatweretheconcludingepigramofthesugarquestion。
　　Yousmile，——Isaid——Perhapslifeseemstoyoualittlebundleofgreatthings？
　　Thedivinity-studentstartedalaugh，butsuddenlyreineditbackwithapull，asonethrowsahorseonhishaunches——Lifeisagreatbundleofgreatthings，——hesaid。
　　NOW，THEN！Thegreatendofbeing，afterall，is……
　　Holdon！——saidmyneighbor，ayoungfellowwhosenameseemstobeJohn，andnothingelse，——forthatiswhattheyallcallhim，——holdon！theSculpinisgo’n’tosaysomethin’。
　　NowtheSculpinCottusVirginianusisalittlewater-beastwhichpretendstoconsideritselfafish，and，underthatpretext，hangsaboutthepilesuponwhichWest-BostonBridgeisbuilt，swallowingthebaitandhookintendedforflounders。Onbeingdrawnfromthewater，itexposesanimmensehead，adiminutivebonycarcass，andasurfacesofullofspines，ridges，ruffles，andfrills，thatthenaturalistshavenotbeenabletocountthemwithoutquarrellingaboutthenumber，andthatthecoloredyouth，whosesporttheyspoil，donotliketotouchthem，andespeciallytotreadonthem，unlesstheyhappentohaveshoeson，tocoverthethickwhitesolesoftheirbroadblackfeet。
　　When，therefore，Iheardtheyoungfellow’sexclamation，Ilookedroundthetablewithcuriositytoseewhatitmeant。AtthefurtherendofitIsawahead，anda——asmallportionofalittledeformedbody，mountedonahighchair，whichbroughttheoccupantuptoafairlevelenoughforhimtogetathisfood。Hiswholeappearancewassogrotesque，IfeltforaminuteasiftherewasashowmanbehindhimwhowouldpullhimdownpresentlyandputupJudy，orthehangman，ortheDevil，orsomeotherwoodenpersonageofthefamousspectacle。Icontrivedtolosethefirstofhissentence，butwhatI
　　heardbeganso:——
　　bytheFrog-Pond，whentherewerefrogsinandthefolksusedtocomedownfromthetentsonsectionandIndependencedayswiththeirpailstogetwatertomakeegg-popwith。BorninBoston；wenttoschoolinBostonaslongastheboyswouldletme——Thelittlemangroaned，turned，asiftolookaround，andwenton——RanawayfromschoolonedaytoseePhillipshungforkillingDenegriwithalogger-head。Thatwasinflipdays，whentherewerealwaystwothreeloggerheadsinthefire。I’maBostonboy，Itellyou，——bornatNorthEnd，andmeantobeburiedonCopp’sHill，withthegoodoldundergroundpeople，——theWorthylakes，andtherestof’em。Yes，——upontheoldhill，wheretheyburiedCaptainDanielMalcolminastonegrave，tenfeetdeep，tokeephimsafefromthered-coats，inthoseoldtimeswhentheworldwasfrozenuptightandtherewasn’tbutonespotopen，andthatwasrightoverFaneuilall，——andblackenoughitlooked，Itellyou！There’swheremybonesshalllie，Sir，andrattleawaywhenthebiggunsgooffattheNavyYardopposite！Youcan’tmakemeashamedoftheoldplace！Fullcrookedlittlestreets；——Iwasbornandusedtorunroundinoneof’em——
　　Ishouldthinkso，——saidthatyoungmanwhomIhearthemcall"John，"——softly，notmeaningtobeheard，nortobecruel，butthinkinginahalf-whisper，evidently——Ishouldthinkso；andgotkinkedup，turnin’somanycorners——Thelittlemandidnothearwhatwassaid，butwenton，——
　　fullofcrookedlittlestreets；butItellyouBostonhasopened，andkeptopen，moreturnpikesthatleadstraighttofreethoughtandfreespeechandfreedeedsthananyothercityoflivemenordeadmen，——Idon’tcarehowbroadtheirstreetsare，norhowhightheirsteeples！——
　　HowhighisBostingmeet’n’-house？——saidapersonwithblackwhiskersandimperial，avelvetwaistcoat，aguard-chainrathertoomassive，andadiamondpinsoverylargethatthemosttrustingnaturemightconfessaninwardsuggestion，——ofcourse，nothingamountingtoasuspicion。Forthisisagentlemanfromagreatcity，andsitsnexttothelandlady’sdaughter，whoevidentlybelievesinhim，andistheobjectofhisespecialattention。
　　Howhigh？——saidthelittleman——AshighasthefirststepofthestairsthatleadtotheNewJerusalem。Isn’tthathighenough？
　　Itis，——Isaid——Thegreatendofbeingistoharmonizemanwiththeorderofthings，andthechurchhasbeenagoodpitch-pipe，andmaybesostill。Butwhoshalltunethepitch-pipe？Quiscus-Onthewhole，asthisquotationwasnotentirelynew，and，beinginaforeignlanguage，mightnotbefamiliartoalltheboarders，I
　　thoughtIwouldnotfinishit。——
　　GototheBible！——saidasharpvoicefromasharp-faced，sharp-
　　eyed，sharp-elbowed，strenuous-lookingwomaninablackdress，appearingasifitbeganasapieceofmourningandperpetuateditselfasabitofeconomy。
　　Youspeakwell，Madam，——Isaid；——yetthereisroomforaglossorcommentaryonwhatyousay。"HewhowouldbringbackthewealthoftheIndiesmustcarryoutthewealthoftheIndies。"WhatyoubringawayfromtheBibledependstosomeextentonwhatyoucarrytoit-
　　BenjaminFranklin！Besogoodastostepuptomychamberandbringmedownthesmalluncoveredpamphletoftwentypageswhichyouwillfindlyingunderthe"Cruden’sConcordance。"[Theboytookalargebite，whichleftaveryperfectcrescentinthesliceofbread-and-
　　butterheheld，anddepartedonhiserrand，withtheportablefractionofhisbreakfasttosustainhimontheway。]——
　　Hereitis。"GototheBible。ADissertation，，etc。，etc。ByJ。
　　J。Flournoy。Athens，Georgia，1858。"
　　Mr。Flournoy，Madam，hasobeyedthepreceptwhichyouhavejudiciouslydelivered。Youmaybeinterested，Madam，toknowwhataretheconclusionsatwhichMr。J。J。FlournoyofAthens，Georgia，hasarrived。Youshallhear，Madam。HehasgonetotheBible，andhehascomebackfromtheBible，bringingaremedyforexistingsocialevils，which，ifitistherealspecific，asitprofessestobe，isofgreatinteresttohumanity，andtothefemalepartofhumanityinparticular。ItiswhathecallsTRIGAMY，Madam，orthemarryingofthreewives，sothat"goodoldmen"maybesolacedatoncebythecompanionshipofthewisdomofmaturity，andofthoselessperfectedbuthardlylessengagingqualitieswhicharefoundatanearlierperiodoflife。Hehasfollowedyourprecept，Madam；I
　　hopeyouaccepthisconclusions。
　　Thefemaleboarderinblackattirelookedsopuzzled，and，infact，"allabroad，"afterthedeliveryofthis"counter"ofmine，thatI
　　lefthertorecoverherwits，andwentonwiththeconversation，whichIwasbeginningtogetprettywellinhand。
　　ButinthemeantimeIkeptmyeyeonthefemaleboardertoseewhateffectIhadproduced。First，shewasalittlestunnedathavingherargumentknockedover。Secondly，shewasalittleshockedatthetremendouscharacterofthetriplematrimonialsuggestion。Thirdly——
　　Idon’tliketosaywhatIthought。Somethingseemedtohavepleasedherfancy。Whetheritwas，that，iftrigamyshouldcomeintofashion，therewouldbethreetimesasmanychancestoenjoytheluxuryofsaying，"No！"ismorethanI，cantellyou。ImayaswellmentionthatB。F。cametomeafterbreakfasttoborrowthepamphletfor"alady，"——oneoftheboarders，hesaid，——lookingasifhehadasecrethewishedtoberelievedof——
　　Icontinued——Ifahumansoulisnecessarilytobetrainedupinthefaithofthosefromwhomitinheritsitsbody，why，thereistheendofallreason。If，soonerorlater，everysoulistolookfortruthwithitsowneyes，thefirstthingistorecognizethatnopresumptioninfavorofanyparticularbeliefarisesfromthefactofourinheritingit。OtherwiseyouwouldnotgivetheMahometanafairchancetobecomeaconverttoabetterreligion。
　　Thesecondthingwouldbetodepolarizeeveryfixedreligiousideainthemindbychangingthewordwhichstandsforit——
　　Idon’tknowwhatyoumeanby"depolarizing"anidea，——saidthedivinity-student。
　　Iwilltellyou，——Isaid——Whenagivensymbolwhichrepresentsathoughthaslainforacertainlengthoftimeinthemind，itundergoesachangelikethatwhichrestinacertainpositiongivestoiron。Itbecomesmagneticinitsrelations，——itistraversedbystrangeforceswhichdidnotbelongtoit。Theword，andconsequentlytheideaitrepresents，ispolarized。
　　Thereligiouscurrencyofmankind，inthought，inspeech，andinprint，consistsentirelyofpolarizedwords。Borrowoneofthesefromanotherlanguageandreligion，andyouwillfinditleavesallitsmagnetismbehindit。Takethatfamousword，O’m，oftheHindoomythology。Evenapriestcannotpronounceitwithoutsin；andaholyPunditwouldshuthisearsandrunawayfromyouinhorror，ifyoushouldsayitaloud。WhatdoyoucareforO’m？IfyouwantedtogetthePundittolookathisreligionfairly，youmustfirstdepolarizethisandallsimilarwordsforhim。TheargumentforandagainstnewtranslationsoftheBiblereallyturnsonthis。Skepticismisafraidtotrustitstruthsindepolarizedwords，andsocriesoutagainstanewtranslation。Ithink，myself，ifeveryideaourBookcontainscouldbeshelledoutofitsoldsymbolandputintoanew，clean，unmagneticword，weshouldhavesomechanceofreadingitasphilosophers，orwisdom-lovers，oughttoreadit，——whichwedonotandcannotnowanymorethanaHindoocanreadthe"Gayatri"asafairmanandloveroftruthshoulddo。WhensocietyhasoncefairlydissolvedtheNewTestament，whichitneverhasdoneyet，itwillperhapscrystallizeitoveragaininnewformsoflanguage。
　　Ididn’tknowyouwasasettledministeroverthisparish，——saidtheyoungfellownearme。
　　Asermonbyalay-preachermaybeworthlistening——Ireplied，calmly——
　　Itgivestheparallaxofthoughtandfeelingastheyappeartotheobserversfromtwoverydifferentpointsofview。Ifyouwishtogetthedistanceofaheavenlybody，youknowthatyoumusttaketwoobservationsfromremotepointsoftheearth’sorbit，——inmidsummerandmidwinter，forinstance。Togettheparallaxofheavenlytruths，youmusttakeanobservationfromthepositionofthelaityaswellasoftheclergy。Teachersandstudentsoftheologygetacertainlook，certainconventionaltonesofvoice，aclericalgait，aprofessionalneckcloth，andhabitsofmindasprofessionalastheirexternals。TheyarescholarlymenandreadBacon，andknowwellenoughwhatthe"idolsofthetribe"are。Ofcoursetheyhavetheirfalsegods，asallmenthatfollowoneexclusivecallingarepronetodo——Theclergyhaveplayedthepartoftheflywheelinourmoderncivilization。Theyhaveneversufferedittostop。Theyhaveoftencarriedonitsmovement，whenothermovingpowersfailed，bythemomentumstoredintheirvastbody。Sometimes，too，theyhavekeptitbackbytheirvisinertia，whenitswheelswereliketogrindthebonesofsomeoldcanonizederrorintofertilizersforthesoilthatyieldsthebreadoflife。Butthemainspringoftheworld’sonwardreligiousmovementisnotinthem，norinanyonebodyofmen，letmetellyou。Itisthepeoplethatmakestheclergy，andnottheclergythatmakesthepeople。Ofcourse，theprofessionreactsonitssourcewithvariableenergy——Butthereneverwasaguildofdealersoracompanyofcraftsmenthatdidnotneedsharplookingafter。
　　Ouroldfriend，Dr。Holyoke，whomwegavethedinnertosometimesince，musthaveknownmanypeoplethatsawthegreatbonfireinHarvardCollegeyard——
　　Bonfire？——shriekedthelittleman——ThebonfirewhenRobertCalef’sbookwasburned？
　　Thesame，——Isaid，——whenRobertCaleftheBostonmerchant’sbookwasburnedintheyardofHarvardCollege，byorderofIncreaseMather，PresidentoftheCollegeandMinisteroftheGospel。Youremembertheoldwitchcraftrevivalof’92，andhowstoutMasterRobertCalef，traderofBoston，hadtheplucktotelltheministersandjudgeswhatasetoffoolsandworsethanfoolstheywere-
　　Rememberit？——saidthelittleman——Idon’tthinkIshallforgetit，aslongasIcanstretchthisforefingertopointwith，andseewhatitwears。Therewasaringonit。
　　MayIlookatit？——Isaid。
　　Whereitis，——saidthelittleman；——itwillnevercomeoff，tillitfallsofffromtheboneinthedarknessandinthedust。
　　Hepushedthehighchaironwhichhesatslightlybackfromthetable，anddroppedhimself，standing，tothefloor，——hisheadbeingonlyalittleabovethelevelofthetable，ashestood。Withpainandlabor，liftingonefootovertheother，asadrummerhandleshissticks，hetookafewstepsfromhisplace，——hismotionsandthedeadbeatofthemisshapenbootsannouncingtomypractisedeyeandearthemalformationwhichiscalledinlearnedlanguagetalipesvarus，orinvertedclub-foot。
　　Stop！stop！——Isaid，——letmecometoyou。
　　Thelittlemanhobbledback，andliftedhimselfbytheleftarm，withaneaseapproachingtogracewhichsurprisedme，intohishighchair。
　　Iwalkedtohisside，andhestretchedouttheforefingerofhisrighthand，withtheringuponit。Theringhadbeenputonlongago，andcouldnotpassthemisshapenjoint。Itwasoneofthosefuneralringswhichusedtobegiventorelativesandfriendsafterthedeceaseofpersonsofanynoteorimportance。Beneatharoundfitofglasswasadeath’shead。Engravedononesideofthis，"L。
　　B。AEt。22，"——ontheother，"Ob。1692
　　Mygrandmother’sgrandmother，——saidthelittleman——Hangedforawitch。Itdoesn’tseemagreatwhileago。Iknewmygrandmother，andlovedher。HermotherwasdaughtertothewitchthatChiefJusticeSewallhangedandCottonMatherdeliveredovertotheDevil——
　　ThatwasSalem，though，andnotBoston。No，notBoston。RobertCalef，theBostonmerchant，itwasthatblewthemallto-
　　Nevermindwhereheblewthemto，——Isaid；forthelittlemanwasgettingredintheface，andIdidn’tknowwhatmightcomenext。
　　Thisepisodebrokemeup，asthejockeyssay，outofmysquareconversationaltrot；butIsettleddowntoitagain——
　　Amanthatknowsmen，inthestreet，attheirwork，humannatureinitsshirt-sleeves，whomakesbargainswithdeacons，insteadoftalkingovertextswiththem，amanwhohasfoundoutthatthereareplentyofprayingroguesandswearingsaintsintheworld，——aboveall，whohasfoundout，bylivingintothepithandcoreoflife，thatalloftheDeitywhichcanbefoldedupbetweenthesheetsofanyhumanbookistotheDeityofthefirmament，ofthestrata，ofthehotaorticfloodofthrobbinghumanlife，ofthisinfinite，instantaneousconsciousnessinwhichthesoul’sbeingconsists，——anincandescentpointinthefilamentconnectingthenegativepoleofapasteternitywiththepositivepoleofaneternitythatistocome，——
　　thatalloftheDeitywhichanyhumanbookcanholdistothislargerDeityoftheworkingbatteryoftheuniverseonlyasthefilmsinabookofgold-leafaretothebroadseamsandcurdledlumpsoforethatlieinunsunnedminesandvirginplacers，——Oh！——Iwassayingthatamanwholivesout-of-doors，amonglivepeople，getssomethingsintohisheadhemightnotfindintheindexofhis"BodyofDivinity。"
　　Itellyouwhat，——theideaoftheprofessions’diggingamoatroundtheirclosecorporations，likethatJapaneseoneatJeddo，onthebottomofwhich，iftravellersdonotlie，youcouldputParkStreetChurchandlookoverthevanefromitsside，andtrytostretchanothersuchspireacrossitwithoutspanningthechasm，——thatidea，Isay，isprettynearlywornout。Nowwhenacivilizationoracivilizedcustomfallsintoseniledementia，thereiscommonlyajudgmentripeforit，anditcomesasplaguescome，fromabreath，——
　　asfirescome，fromaspark。
　　Here，lookatmedicine。Bigwigs，gold-headedcanes，Latinprescriptions，shopsfullofabominations，recipesayardlong，"curing"patientsbydruggingassailorsbringawindbywhistling，sellingliesataguineaapiece，——aroutine，inshort，ofgivingunfortunatesickpeopleamessofthingseithertooodioustoswallowortooacridtohold，or，ifthatwerepossible，bothatonce——
　　Youdon’tknowwhatImean，indignantandnotunintelligentcountry-practitioner？Thenyoudon’tknowthehistoryofmedicine，——
　　andthatisnotmyfault。Butdon’texposeyourselfinanyoutbreakofeloquence；for，bythemortarinwhichAnaxarchuswaspounded！I
　　didnotbringhomeSchenckiusandForestusandHildanus，andalltheoldfoliosincalfandvellumIwillshowyou，tobebulliedbytheproprietor，ofa"WoodandBache，"andashelfofpepperedsheepskinreprintsbyPhiladelphiaEditors。Besides，manyoftheprofessionandIknowalittlesomethingofeachother，andyoudon’tthinkIamsuchasimpletonastolosetheirgoodopinionbysayingwhatthebetterheadsamongthemwouldcondemnasunfairanduntrue？Nowmarkhowthegreatplaguecameonthegenerationofdruggingdoctors，andinwhatformitfell。
　　Aschemingdrug-vender，inventivegenius，anutterlyuntrustworthyandincompetentobserver，profoundsearcherofNature，ashallowdabblerinerudition，sagaciousscholar，startedthemonstrousfictionfoundedtheimmortalsystemofHomoeopathy。Iamveryfair，yousee，——youcanhelpyourselftoeitherofthesesetsofphrases。
　　Allthereasonintheworldwouldnothavehadsorapidandgeneralaneffectonthepublicmindtodisabuseitoftheideathatadrugisagoodthinginitself，insteadofbeing，asitis，abadthing，aswasproducedbythetricksystemofthisGermancharlatantheorist。Notthatthewiserpartoftheprofessionneededhimtoteachthem；buttheroutinistsandtheiremployers，the"generalpractitioners，"wholivedbysellingpillsandmixtures，andtheirdrug-consumingcustomers，hadtorecognizethatpeoplecouldgetwell，unpoisoned。Thesedumbcattlewouldnotlearnitofthemselves，andsothemurrainofHomoeopathyfellonthem——
　　Youdon’tknowwhatplaguehasfallenonthepractitionersoftheology？Iwilltellyou，then。ItisSpiritualism。WhilesomearecryingoutagainstitasadelusionoftheDevil，andsomearelaughingatitasanhystericfolly，andsomearegettingangrywithitasameretrickofinterestedormischievouspersons，Spiritualismisquietlyunderminingthetraditionalideasofthefuturestatewhichhavebeenandarestillaccepted，——notmerelyinthosewhobelieveinit，butinthegeneralsentimentofthecommunity，toalargerextentthanmostgoodpeopleseemtobeawareof。Itneedn’tbetrue，todothis，anymorethanHomoeopathyneed，todoitswork。
　　TheSpiritualistshavesomeprettystronginstinctstopryover，whichnodoubthavebeenroughlyhandledbytheologiansatdifferenttimes。AndtheNemesisofthepulpitcomes，inashapeitlittlethoughtof，beginningwiththesnapofatoe-joint，andendingwithsuchacrackofoldbeliefsthattheroarofitisheardinalltheministers’studiesofChristendom？Sir，youcannothavepeopleofcultivation，ofpurecharacter，sensibleenoughincommonthings，large-heartedwomen，gravejudges，shrewdbusiness-men，menofscience，professingtobeincommunicationwiththespiritualworldandkeepingupconstantintercoursewithit，withoutitsgraduallyreactingonthewholeconceptionofthatotherlife。Itisthefollyoftheworld，constantly，whichconfoundsitswisdom。Notonlyoutofthemouthsofbabesandsucklings，butoutofthemouthsoffoolsandcheats，wemayoftengetourtruestlessons。Forthefool’sjudgmentisadog-vanethatturnswithabreath，andthecheatwatchesthecloudsandsetshisweathercockbythem，——sothatoneshalloftenseebytheirpointingwhichwaythewindsofheavenareblowing，whentheslow-wheelingarrowsandfeathersofwhatwecalltheTemplesofWisdomareturningtoallpointsofthecompass——
　　Amen！——saidtheyoungfellowcalledJohn——Tenminutesbythewatch。Thosethatareunanimouswillpleasetosignifybyholdinguptheirleftfoot！
　　Ilookedthisyoungmansteadilyinthefaceforaboutthirtyseconds。Hiscountenancewasascalmasthatofareposinginfant。
　　Ithinkitwassimplicity，ratherthanmischief，withperhapsayouthfulplayfulness，thatledhimtothisoutbreak。Ihaveoftennoticedthatevenquiethorses，onasharpNovembermorning，whentheircoatsarebeginningtogetthewinterroughness，willgivelittlesportivedemi-kicks，withslightsuddenelevationofthesubsequentregionofthebody，andasharpshortwhinny，——bynomeansintendingtoputtheirheelsthroughthedasher，ortoaddressthedriverrudely，butfeeling，touseafamiliarword，frisky。This，I
　　think，isthephysiologicalconditionoftheyoungperson，John。I
　　noticed，however，whatIshouldcallapalpebralspasm，affectingtheeyelidandmusclesofoneside，which，ifitwereintendedforthefacialgesturecalledawink，mightleadmetosuspectadispositiontobesatiricalonhispart——
　　Resumingtheconversation，Iremarked，——Iam，exofficio，asaProfessor，aconservative。ForIdon’tknowanyfruitthatclingstoitstreesofaithfully，notevena"froze-’n’-thaw"winter-apple，asaProfessortotheboughofwhichhischairismade。Youcan’tshakehimoff，anditisasmuchasyoucandotopullhimoff。Hence，byachainofinductionIneednotunwind，hetendstoconservatismgenerally。
　　Butthen，youknow，ifyouaresailingtheAtlantic，andallatoncefindyourselfinacurrent，andtheseacoveredwithweeds，anddropyourFahrenheitoverthesideandfinditeightortendegreeshigherthanintheoceangenerally，thereisnouseinflyinginthefaceoffactsandswearingthereisnosuchthingasaGulf-Stream，whenyouareinit。
　　Youcan’tkeepgasinabladder，andyoucan’tkeepknowledgetightinaprofession。Hydrogenwillleakout，andairwillleakin，throughIndia-rubber；andspecialknowledgewillleakout，andgeneralknowledgewillleakin，thoughaprofessionwerecoveredwithtwentythicknessesofsheepskindiplomas。
　　ByJove，Sir，tillcommonsenseiswellmixedupwithmedicine，andcommonmanhoodwiththeology，andcommonhonestywithlaw，Wethepeople，Sir，someofuswithnut-crackers，andsomeofuswithtrip-
　　hammers，andsomeofuswithpile-drivers，andsomeofuscomingwithawhish！likeair-stonesoutofalunarvolcano，willcrashdownonthelumpsofnonsenseinallofthemtillwehavemadepowderofthem——likeAaron’scalf[SeeHolmespoem:"Whendoctor’stakewhattheywouldgiveandlawyersgivewhattheywouldtakeandstrawberriesgrowlargerdownthroughthebox。"D。W。]
　　Iftobeaconservativeistoletallthedrainsofthoughtchokeupandkeepallthesoul’swindowsdown，——toshutoutthesunfromtheeastandthewindfromthewest，——tolettheratsrunfreeinthecellar，andthemothsfeedtheirfillinthechambers，andthespidersweavetheirlacebeforethemirrors，tillthesoul’styphusisbredoutofourneglect，andwebegintosnoreinitscomaorraveinitsdelirium，——I，Sir，amabonnet-rouge，aredcapofthebarricades，myfriends，ratherthanaconservative——
　　WereyouborninBoston，Sir？——saidthelittleman，——lookingeagerandexcited。
　　Iwasnot，——Ireplied。
　　It’sapity，——it’sapity，——saidthelittleman；——it’stheplacetobebornin。Butifyoucan’tfixitsoastobebornhere，youcancomeandlivehere。OldBenFranklin，thefatherofAmericanscienceandtheAmericanUnion，wasn’tashamedtobebornhere。JimOtis，thefatherofAmericanIndependence，botheredaboutintheCapeCodmarshesawhile，buthecametoBostonassoonashegotbigenough。
　　JoeWarren，thefirstbloodyruffed-shirtoftheRevolution，wasasgoodasbornhere。ParsonCharmingstrolledalongthiswayfromNewport，andstayedhere。PityoldSamHopkinshadn’tcome，too；——
　　we’dhavemadeamanofhim，——poor，dear，goodoldChristianheathen！
　　Therehelies，aspeacefulasayoungbaby，intheoldburying-
　　ground！I’vestoodontheslabmanyatime。Meantwell，——meantwell。Juggernaut。ParsonCharmingputalittleoilononelinchpin，andslippeditoutsosoftly，thefirstthingtheyknewaboutitwasthewheelofthatsidewasdown。T’otherfellow’satworknow，buthemakesmorenoiseaboutit。Whenthelinchpincomesoutonhisside，there’llbeajerk，Itellyou！Somethinkitwillspoiltheoldcart，andtheypretendtosaythattherearevaluablethingsinitwhichmaygethurt。Hopenot，——hopenot。ButthisisthegreatMacadamizingplace，——alwayscrackingupsomething。
　　CrackingupBostonfolks，——saidthegentlemanwiththediamond-pin，whom，forconvenience’sake，IshallhereaftercalltheKoh-i-noor。
　　Thelittlemanturnedroundmechanicallytowardshim，asMaelzel’sTurkusedtoturn，carryinghisheadslowlyandhorizontally，asifitwentbycogwheels——Crackingupallsortsofthings，——nativeandforeignverminincluded，——saidthelittleman。
　　Thisremarkwasthoughtbysomeofustohaveahiddenpersonalapplication，andtoaffordafairopeningforalivelyrejoinder，iftheKoh-i-noorhadbeensodisposed。ThelittlemanuttereditwiththedistinctwoodencalmnesswithwhichtheingeniousTurkusedtoexclaim，E-chec！sothatitmusthavebeenheard。Thepartysupposedtobeinterestedintheremarkwas，however，carryingalargeknife-
　　bladefulofsomethingtohismouthjustthen，which，nodoubt，interferedwiththereplyhewouldhavemade——
　　Myfriendwhousedtoboardherewasaccustomedsometimes，inapleasantway，tocallhimselftheAutocratofthetable，——meaning，I
　　suppose，thathehaditallhisownwayamongtheboarders。Ithinkoursmallboarderhereisliketoprovearefractorysubject，ifI
　　undertaketousethesceptremyfriendmeanttobequeathme，toomagisterially。Iwon’tdenythatsometimes，onrareoccasions，whenIhavebeenincompanywithgentlemenwhopreferredlistening，Ihavebeenguiltyofthesamekindofusurpationwhichmyfriendopenlyjustified。ButImaintain，thatI，theProfessor，amagoodlistener。Ifamancantellmeafactwhichsubtendsanappreciableangleinthehorizonofthought，Iamasreceptiveasthecontribution-boxinacongregationofcoloredbrethren。If，whenI
　　amexposingmyintellectualdry-goods，amanwillbeginagoodstory，Iwillhavethemallin，andmyshuttersup，beforehehasgottothefifth"sayshe，"andlistenlikeathree-years’child，astheauthorofthe"OldSailor"says。IhadratherhearoneofthosegrandelementallaughsfromeitherofourtwoGeorges，fictitiousnames，SirorMadam，glistentooneofthoseoldplaybillsofourCollegedays，inwhich"TomandJerry""ThomasandJeremiah，"astheoldGreekProfessorwassaidtocallitwasannouncedtobebroughtonthestagewithwholeforceoftheFaculty，readbyourFrederick，nosuchperson，ofcourse，thansaythebestthingsImightbyanychancefindmyselfcapableofsaying。Ofcourse，ifIcomeacrossarealthinker，asuggestive，acute，illuminating，informingtalker，I
　　enjoytheluxuryofsittingstillforawhileasmuchasanother。
　　Nobodytalksmuchthatdoesn’tsayunwisethings，——thingshedidnotmeantosay；asnopersonplaysmuchwithoutstrikingafalsenotesometimes。Talk，tome，isonlyspadingupthegroundforcropsofthought。Ican’tanswerforwhatwillturnup。IfIcould，itwouldn’tbetalking，but"speakingmypiece。"Better，Ithink，theheartyabandonmentofone’sselftothesuggestionsofthemomentattheriskofanoccasionalslipofthetongue，perceivedtheinstantitescapes，butjustonesyllabletoolate，thantheroyalreputationofneversayingafoolishthing——
　　WhatshallIdowiththislittleman？——Thereisonlyonethingtodo，——andthatistolethimtalkwhenhewill。Thedayofthe"Autocrat’s"monologuesisover——
　　Myfriend，——saidItotheyoungfellowwhom，asIhavesaid，theboarderscall"John，"——Myfriend，——Isaid，onemorning，afterbreakfast，——canyougivemeanyinformationrespectingthedeformedpersonwhositsattheotherendofthetable？
　　What！theSculpin？——saidtheyoungfellow。
　　Thediminutiveperson，withangularcurvatureofthespine，——Isaid，——
　　anddoubletalipesvarus，——Ibegyourpardon，——withtwoclub-feet。
　　Isthatlongwordwhatyoucallitwhenafellahwalksso？——saidtheyoungman，makinghisfistsrevolveroundanimaginaryaxis，asyoumayhaveseenyouthoftenderageandlimitedpugilisticknowledge，whentheyshowhowtheywouldpunishanadversary，themselvesprotectedbythisrotatingguard，——themiddleknuckle，meantime，thumb-supported，fiercelyprominent，death-threatening。
　　Itis，——saidI——Butwouldyouhavethekindnesstotellmeifyouknowanythingaboutthisdeformedperson？
　　AbouttheSculpin？——saidtheyoungfellow。
　　Mygoodfriend，——saidI，——Iamsure，byyourcountenance，youwouldnothurtthefeelingsofonewhohasbeenhardlyenoughtreatedbyNaturetobesparedbyhisfellows。Eveninspeakingofhimtoothers，Icouldwishthatyoumightnotemployatermwhichimpliescontemptforwhatshouldinspireonlypity。
　　Afellah’snobusinesstobesocrooked，——saidtheyoungmancalledJohn。
　　Yes，yes，——Isaid，thoughtfully，——thestronghatetheweak。It’sallright。Thearrangementhasreferencetotherace，andnottotheindividual。Infirmitymustbekickedout，orthestockrundown。
　　Wholesalemoralarrangementsaresodifferentfromretail！——I
　　understandtheinstinct，myfriend，——itiscosmic，——itisplanetary，——
　　itisaconservativeprincipleincreation。
　　Theyoungfellow’sfacegraduallylostitsexpressionasIwasspeaking，untilitbecameasblankofvividsignificanceasthecountenanceofagingerbreadrabbitwithtwocurrantsintheplaceofeyes。Hehadnottakenmymeaning。
　　Presentlytheintelligencecamebackwithasnapthatmadehimwink，asheanswered，——Jestso。Allright。A1。Putherthrough。That’sthewaytotalk。Didyouspeaktome，Sir？——Heretheyoungmanstruckupthatwell-knownsongwhichIthinktheyusedtosingatMasonicfestivals，beginning，"Aldiborontiphoscophornio，WhereleftyouChrononhotonthologos？"
　　Ibegyourpardon，——Isaid；——allImeantwas，thatmen，astemporaryoccupantsofapermanentabodecalledhumanlife，whichisimprovedorinjuredbyoccupancy，accordingtothestyleoftenant，haveanaturaldisliketothosewho，iftheylivethelifeoftheraceaswellasoftheindividual，willleavelastinginjuriouseffectsupontheabodespokenof，whichistobeoccupiedbycountlessfuturegenerations。Thisisthefinalcauseoftheunderlyingbruteinstinctwhichwehaveincommonwiththeherds——
　　Thegingerbread-rabbitexpressionwascomingonsofast，thatI
　　thoughtImusttryagain——It’sapitythatfamiliesarekeptup，wheretherearesuchhereditaryinfirmities。Still，letustreatthispoormanfairly，andnotcallhimnames。Doyouknowwhathisnameis？
　　Iknowwhattherestof’emcallhim，——saidtheyoungfellow——TheycallhimLittleBoston。There’snoharminthat，isthere？
　　Itisanhonorableterm，——Ireplied——ButwhyLittleBoston，inaplacewheremostareBostonians？
　　BecausenobodyelseisquitesoBostonalloverasheis，——saidtheyoungfellow。
　　"L。B。Ob。1692。"——LittleBostonlethimbe，whenwetalkabouthim。
　　Theringhewearslabelshimwellenough。Thereisstuffinthelittleman，orhewouldn’tsticksomanfullybythiscrooked，crotchetyoldtown。Givehimachance——YouwilldroptheSculpin，won’tyou？——Isaidtotheyoungfellow。
　　Drophim？——heanswered，——Iha’n’ttookhimupyet。
　　No，no，——theterm，——Isaid，——theterm。Don’tcallhimsoanymore，ifyouplease。CallhimLittleBoston，ifyoulike。
　　Allright，——saidtheyoungfellow——Iwouldn’tbehardonthepoorlittle-
　　Thewordheusedwasobjectionableinpointofsignificanceandofgrammar。ItwasafrequentterminationofcertainadjectivesamongtheRomans，——asofthosedesignatingapersonfollowingthesea，orgiventoruralpursuits。Itisclassedbycustomamongtheprofanewords；why，itishardtosay，——butitislargelyusedinthestreetbythosewhospeakoftheirfellowsinpityorinwrath。
　　Ineverheardtheyoungfellowapplythenameoftheodiouspretendedfishtothelittlemanfromthatdayforward——
　　Hereweare，then，atourboarding——house。First，myself，theProfessor，alittlewayfromtheheadofthetable，ontheright，lookingdown，wherethe"Autocrat"usedtosit。AtthefurtherendsitstheLandlady。Attheheadofthetable，justnow，theKoh-i-
　　noor，orthegentlemanwiththediamond。OppositemeisaVenerableGentlemanwithablandcountenance，whoasyethasspokenlittle。
　　TheDivinityStudentismyneighborontheright，——andfurtherdown，thatYoungFellowofwhomIhaverepeatedlyspoken。TheLandlady’sDaughtersitsneartheKoh-i-noor，asIsaid。ThePoorRelationneartheLandlady。Attherightuppercornerisafresh-lookingyouthofwhosenameandhistoryIhaveasyetlearnednothing。Nextthefurtherleft-handcorner，nearthelowerendofthetable，sitsthedeformedperson。Thechairathisside，occupyingthatcorner，isempty。Ineednotspeciallymentiontheotherboarders，withtheexceptionofBenjaminFranklin，thelandlady’sson，whositsnearhismother。Weareatolerablyassortedset，——differenceenoughandlikenessenough；butstillitseemstomethereissomethingwanting。
　　TheLandlady’sDaughteristheprimadonnainthewayoffeminineattractions。Iamnotquitesatisfiedwiththisyounglady。Shewearsmore"jewelry，"ascertainyoungladiescalltheirtrinkets，thanIcaretoseeonapersoninherposition。Hervoiceisstrident，herlaughtoomuchlikeagiggle，andshehasthatfoolishwayofdancingandbobbinglikeaquill-floatwitha"minnum"bitingthehookbelowit，whichoneseesandweepsoversometimesinpersonsofmorepretensions。Ican’thelphopingweshallputsomethingintothatemptychairyetwhichwilladdthemissingstringtooursocialharp。IheartalkofarareMisswhoisexpected。Somethingintheschoolgirlway，Ibelieve。Weshallsee——
　　MyfriendwhocallshimselfTheAutocrathasgivenmeacautionwhichIamgoingtorepeat，withmycommentuponit，forthebenefitofallconcerned。
　　Professor，——saidhe，oneday，——don’tyouthinkyourbrainwillrundrybeforeayear’sout，ifyoudon’tgetthepumptohelpthecow？
　　Letmetellyouwhathappenedtomeonce。Iputalittlemoneyintoabank，andboughtacheck-book，sothatImightdrawitasIwanted，insumstosuit。Thingswentonnicelyforatime；scratchingwithapenwasaseasyasrubbingAladdin’sLamp；andmyblankcheck-bookseemedtobeadictionaryofpossibilities，inwhichIcouldfindallthesynonymesofhappiness，andrealizeanyoneofthemonthespot。
　　Acheckcamebacktomeatlastwiththesetwowordsonit，——NO
　　FUNDS。Mycheck-bookwasavolumeofwaste-paper。
　　Now，Professor，——saidhe，——Ihavedrawnsomethingoutofyourbank，youknow；andjustsosureasyoukeepdrawingoutyoursoul’scurrencywithoutmakingnewdeposits，thenextthingwillbe，NO
　　FUNDS，——andthenwherewillyoube，myboy？Theselittlebitsofpapermeanyourgoldandyoursilverandyourcopper，Professor；andyouwillcertainlybreakupandgotopieces，ifyoudon’tholdontoyourmetallicbasis。
　　Thereissomethinginthat，——saidI——OnlyIratherthinklifecancointhoughtsomewhatfasterthanIcancountitoffinwords。WhatifoneshallgoroundanddryupwithsoftnapkinsallthedewthatfallsofaJuneeveningontheleavesofhisgarden？Shalltherebenomoredewonthoseleavesthereafter？Marry，yea，——manydrops，largeandroundandfullofmoonlightasthosethoushalthaveabsterged！
　　HereamI，theProfessor，——amanwhohaslivedlongenoughtohavepluckedtheflowersoflifeandcometotheberries，——whicharenotalwayssad-colored，butsometimesgolden-huedasthecrocusofApril，orrosy-cheekedasthedamaskofJune；amanwhostaggeredagainstbooksasababy，andwilltotteragainstthem，ifhelivestodecrepitude；withabrainfulloftinglingthoughts，suchastheyare，asalimbwhichwecall"asleep，"becauseitissoparticulyawake，isofprickingpoints；presentingakey-boardofnerve-pulps，notasyettannedorossified，tofinger-touchofalloutwardagencies；knowingnothingofthefilmythreadsofthisweboflifeinwhichweinsectsbuzzawhile，waitingforthegrayoldspidertocomealong；contentedenoughwithdailyrealities，buttwirlingonhisfingerthekeyofaprivateBedlamofideals；inknowledgefeedingwiththefoxoftenerthanwiththestork，——lovingbetterthebreadthofafertilizinginundationthanthedepthofnarrowartesianwell；
　　findingnothingtoosmallforhiscontemplationinthemarkingsofthegrammatophorasubtilissima，andnothingtoolargeinthemovementofthesolarsystemtowardsthestarLambdaoftheconstellationHercules；——andthequestionis，whetherthereisanythingleftforme，theProfessor，tosuckoutofcreation，aftermylivelyfriendhashadhisstrawinthebung-holeoftheUniverse！
　　Aman’smentalreactionswiththeatmosphereoflifemustgoon，whetherhewillorno，asbetweenhisbloodandtheairhebreathes。
　　Astocatchingtheresiduumoftheprocess，orwhatwecallthought，——
　　thegaseousashesofburned-outthinking，——theexcretionofmentalrespiration，——thatwilldependonmanythings，as，onhavingafavorableintellectualtemperatureaboutone，andafittingreceptacle——Isowmorethought-seedsintwenty-fourhours’traveloverthedesert-sandalongwhichmylonelyconsciousnesspacesdayandnight，thanIshallthrowintosoilwhereitwillgerminate，inayear。Allsortsofbodilyandmentalperturbationscomebetweenusandthedueprojectionofourthought。Thepulse-like"fitsofeasyanddifficulttransmission"seemtoreacheventhetransparentmediumthroughwhichoursoulsareseen。Weknowourhumanitybyitsofteninterceptedrays，aswetellarevolvinglightfromastarormeteorbyitsconstantlyrecurringobscuration。
　　Anillustriousscholaroncetoldme，that，inthefirstlectureheeverdelivered，hespokebuthalfhisallottedtime，andfeltasifhehadtoldallheknew。Brahamcameforwardoncetosingoneofhismostfamousandfamiliarsongs，andforhislifecouldnotrecallthefirstlineofit；——hetoldhismishaptotheaudience，andtheyscreameditathiminachorusofathousandvoices。Miltoncouldnotwritetosuithimself，exceptfromtheautumnaltothevernalequinox。Oneintheclothing-business，who，thereisreasontosuspect，mayhaveinherited，bydescent，thegreatpoet’simpressibletemperament，letacustomerslipthroughhisfingersonedaywithoutfittinghimwithanewgarment。"Ah！"saidhetoafriendofmine，whowasstandingby，"ifithadn’tbeenforthatconfoundedheadacheofminethismorning，I’dhavehadacoatonthatman，inspiteofhimself，beforeheleft-thestore。"Apassingthrob，only，——butitderangedthenicemechanismrequiredtopersuadetheaccidentalhumanbeing，X，intoagivenpieceofbroadcloth，A。
　　Wemusttakecarenottoconfoundthisfrequentdifficultyoftransmissionofourideaswithwantofideas。Isupposethataman’sminddoesintimeformaneutralsaltwiththeelementsintheuniverseforwhichithasspecialelectiveaffinities。Infact，I
　　lookuponalibraryasakindofmentalchemist’sshopfilledwiththecrystalsofallformsandhueswhichhavecomefromtheunionofindividualthoughtwithlocalcircumstancesoruniversalprinciples。
　　Whenamanhasworkedouthisspecialaffinitiesinthisway，thereisanendofhisgeniusasarealsolvent。Nomoreeffervescenceandhissingtumult——ashepourshissharpthoughtontheworld’sbitingalkalineunbeliefs！Nomorecorrosionoftheoldmonumentaltabletscoveredwithlies！Nomoretakingupofdullearths，andturningthem，firstintoclearsolutions，andthenintolustrousprisms！
　　I，theProfessor，amverymuchlikeothermen:IshallnotfindoutwhenIhaveusedupmyaffinities。Whatablessedthingitis，thatNature，whensheinvented，manufactured，andpatentedherauthors，contrivedtomakecriticsoutofthechipsthatwereleft！Painfulasthetaskis，theyneverfailtowarntheauthor，inthemostimpressivemanner，oftheprobabilitiesoffailureinwhathehasundertaken。Sadasthenecessityistotheirdelicatesensibilities，theyneverhesitatetoadvertisehimofthedeclineofhispowers，andtopressuponhimtheproprietyofretiringbeforehesinksintoimbecility。Trustingtotheirkindoffices，Ishallendeavortofulfil——
　　Bridgetentersandbeginsclearingthetable——
　　ThefollowingpoemismyTheProfessor’sonlycontributiontothegreatdepartmentofOcean-Cableliterature。AsallthepoetsofthiscountrywillbeengagedforthenextsixweeksinwritingforthepremiumofferedbytheCrystal-PalaceCompanyfortheBurnsCentenary，socalled，accordingtoourBenjaminFranklin，becausetherewillbenaryacentforanyofus，poetrywillbeveryscarceanddear。Consumersmay，consequently，begladtotakethepresentarticle，which，bytheaidofaLatintutor——andaProfessorofChemistry，willbefoundintelligibletotheeducatedclasses。
　　DESAUTY
　　ANELECTRO-CHEMICALECLOGUE。
　　Professor。Blue-Nose。
　　PROFESSOR。
　　Tellme，OProvincial！speak，Ceruleo-Nasal！
　　LivesthereoneDeSautyextantnowamongyon，WhisperingBoanerges，sonofsilentthunder，Holdingtalkwithnations？
　　IsthereaDeSauty，ambulantonTellus，Bifid-cleftlikemortals，dormientinnight-cap，Havingsight，smell，hearing，food-receivingfeatureThreetimesdailypatent？
　　Breathestheresuchabeing，OCeruleo-Nasal？
　　Orisheamythus，——ancientwordfor"humbug，"——
　　SuchasLivytoldaboutthewolfthatwet-nursedRomulusandRemus？
　　Washebornofwoman，thisallegedDeSauty？
　　Oralivingproductofgalvanicaction，LikethestatusbredinCrossesflint-solution？
　　Speak，thouCyano-Rhinal！
　　BLUE-NOSE。
　　Manythingsthouaskest，jackknife-bearingstranger，Much-conjecturingmortal，pork-and-treacle-waster！
　　Pretermitthywhittling，wheelthineear-flaptowardme，Thoushalthearthemanswered。
　　Whenthechargegalvanictingledthroughthecable，AtthepolarfocusofthewireelectricSuddenlyappearedawhite-facedmanamongusCalledhimself"DESAUTY。"
　　AsthesmallopossumheldinpouchmaternalGraspsthenutrientorganwhencethetermmammalia，Sotheunknownstrangerheldthewireelectric，Suckinginthecurrent。
　　Whenthecurrentstrengthened，bloomedthepale-facedstranger，Tooknodrinknorvictual，yetgrewfatandrosy，Andfromtimetotime，insharparticulation，Said，"Allright！DESAUTY。"
　　>Fromthelonelystationpassedtheutterance，spreadingThroughthepinesandhemlockstothegrovesofsteeplesTillthelandwasfilledwithloudreverberationsOf"Allright！DESAUTY。"
　　Whenthecurrentslackened，droopedthemysticstranger，Faded，faded，faded，asthestreamgrewweaker，Wastedtoashadow，withahartshornodorOfdisintegration。
　　Dropsofdeliquescenceglistenedonhisforehead，Whitenedroundhisfeetthedustofefflorescence，TilloneMondaymorning，whentheflowsuspended，TherewasnoDeSauty。
　　Nothingbutacloudofelementsorganic，C。O。H。N。Ferrum，Chor。Flu。Sil。Potassa，Calc。Sod。Phosph。Mag。Sulphur，Mang。？Alumin。？Cuprum，？
　　Suchasmanismadeof。
　　Bornofstreamgalvanic，withitbehadperished！
　　ThereisnoDeSautynowthereisnocurrent！
　　Giveusanewcable，thenagainwe’llhearhimCry，"Allright！DESAUTY。"
　　II
　　Backagain！——Aturtle——whichmeansatortoise——isfondofhisshell；
　　butifyouputalivecoalonhisback，hecrawlsoutofit。Sotheboyssay。
　　Itisalibelontheturtle。Hegrowstohisshell，andhisshellisinhisbodyasmuchashisbodyisinhisshell——Idon’tthinkthereisoneofourboardersquitesotestudineousasIam。Nothingbutacombinationofmotives，moreperemptorythanthecoalontheturtle’sback，couldhavegotmetoleavetheshelterofmycarapace；
　　andaftermemorableinterviews，andkindesthospitalities，andgrandsights，andhugeinfluxofpatrioticpride，——foreveryAmericanownsallAmerica，——
　　"Creation’sheir，——theworld，theworldis"
　　his，ifanybody’s，——Icomebackwiththefeelingwhichabonedturkeymightexperience，if，retaininghisconsciousness，hewereallowedtoresumehisskeleton。
　　Welcome，OFightingGladiator，andRecumbentCleopatra，andDyingWarrior，whoseclassicoutlinesreproducedinthecalcinedmineralofLutetiacrownmyloadedshelves！Welcome，yetriumphsofpictorialartrepeatedbythemagicgraverthatlookdownuponmefromthewallsofmysacredcell！Vesalius，asTitiandrewhim，high-fronted，still-eyed，thick-bearded，withsignet-ring，asbeseemsagentleman，withbookandcarelessly-heldeyeglass，markinghimascholar；thou，too，JanKuyper，commonlycalledJanPraktiseer，oldmanofacenturyandsevenyearsbesides，fatheroftwentysonsandtwodaughters，cutincopperbyHoubraken，boughtfromaportfolioononeoftheParisquais；andyeThreeTreesofRembrandt，blackinshadowagainsttheblazeoflight；andthouRosyCottagerofSirJoshua，roseshintedbythepepperyburinofBartolozzi；ye，too，oflowergradesinnature，yetnotunlovelyforunrenowned，YoungBullofPaulusPotter，andsleepingCatofCorneliusVisscher；welcomeoncemoretomyeyes！Theoldbookslookoutfromtheshelves，andI
　　seemtoreadontheirbackssomethingasidestheirtitles，——akindofsolemngreeting。Thecrimsoncarpetflusheswarmundermyfeet。Thearm-chairhugsme；theswivel-chairspinsroundwithme，asifitweregiddywithpleasure；thevastrecumbentfauteuilstretchesitselfoutundermyweight，asonejoyouswithfoodandwinestretchesinafter-dinnerlaughter。
　　Theboarderswerepleasedtosaythattheyweregladtogetmeback。
　　Oneofthemventuredacompliment，namely，——thatItalkedasifI
　　believedwhatIsaid——Thiswasapparentlyconsideredsomethingunusual，byitsbeingmentioned。
　　Onewhomeanstotalkwithentiresincerity，——Isaid，——alwaysfeelshimselfindangeroftwothings，namely，——anaffectationofbluntness，likethatofwhichCornwallaccusesKentin"Lear，"andactualrudeness。Whatamanwantstodo，intalkingwithastranger，istogetandtogiveasmuchofthebestandmostreallifethatbelongstothetwotalkersasthetimewilllethim。Lifeisshort，andconversationapttoruntomerewords。Mr。HueIthinkitis，whotellsussomeverygoodstoriesaboutthewayinwhichtwoChinesegentlemencontrivetokeepupalongtalkwithoutsayingawordwhichhasanymeaninginit。SomethinglikethisisoccasionallyheardonthissideoftheGreatWall。ThebestChinesetalkersIknowaresomeprettywomenwhomImeetfromtimetotime。
　　Pleasant，airy，complimentary，thelittleflakesofflatteryglimmeringintheirtalklikethebitsofgold-leafineau-de-viedeDantzic；theiraccentsflowingoninasoftripple，——neverawave，andneveracalm；wordsnicelyfitted，butneveracoloredphraseorahighly-flavoredepithet；theyturnairintosyllablessogracefully，thatwefindmeaningforthemusictheymakeaswefindfacesinthecoalsandfairypalacesintheclouds。Thereissomethingveryodd，though，aboutthismechanicaltalk。
　　Youhavesometimesbeeninatrainontherailroadwhentheenginewasdetachedalongwayfromthestationyouwereapproaching？Well，youhavenoticedhowquietlyandrapidlythecarskepton，justasifthelocomotiveweredrawingthem？Indeed，youwouldnothavesuspectedthatyouweretravellingonthestrengthofadeadfact，ifyouhadnotseentheenginerunningawayfromyouonaside-track。
　　Uponmyconscience，Ibelievesomeoftheseprettywomendetachtheirmindsentirely，sometimes，fromtheirtalk，——and，whatismore，thatweneverknowthedifference。Theirlipsletofftheflutysyllablesjustastheirfingerswouldsprinklethemusic-dropsfromtheirpianos；unconscioushabitturnsthephraseofthoughtintowordsjustasitdoesthatofmusicintonotes——Well，theygoverntheworldforallthat，thesesweet-lippedwomen，——becausebeautyistheindexofalargerfactthanwisdom——
　　TheBombazinewantedanexplanation。
　　Madam，——saidI，——wisdomistheabstractofthepast，butbeautyisthepromiseofthefuture——
　　Allthis，however，isnotwhatIwasgoingtosay。HereamI，suppose，seated——wewillsayatadinner-table——alongsideofanintelligentEnglishman。Welookineachother’sfaces，——weexchangeadozenwords。Onethingissettled:wemeannottooffendeachother，——tobeperfectlycourteous，——morethancourteous；forwearetheentertainerandtheentertained，andcherishparticularlyamiablefeelings，toeachother。Theclaretisgood；andifourbloodreddensalittlewithitswarmcrimson，wearenonethelesskindforit。
　　Idon’tthinkpeoplethattalkovertheirvictualsareliketosayanythingverygreat，especiallyiftheygettheirheadsmuddledwithstrongdrinkbeforetheybeginjabberin’。
　　TheBombazineutteredthiswithasugarysourness，asifthewordshadbeensteepedinasolutionofacetateoflead——Theboysofmytimeusedtocallahitlikethisa"side-winder。"——
　　Imustfinishthiswoman——
　　Madam，——Isaid，——theGreatTeacherseemstohavebeenfondoftalkingashesatatmeat。Becausethiswasagoodwhileago，inafar-offplace，youforgetwhatthetruefactofitwas，——thatthosewererealdinners，wherepeoplewerehungryandthirsty，andwhereyoumetaverymiscellaneouscompany。Probablytherewasagreatdealofloosetalkamongtheguests；atanyrate，therewasalwayswine，wemaybelieve。
　　Whatevermaybethehygienicadvantagesordisadvantagesofwine，——
　　andIforone，exceptforcertainparticularends，believeinwater，and，Iblushtosayit，inblacktea，——thereisnodoubtaboutitsbeingthegrandspecificagainstdulldinners。Ascoreofpeoplecometogetherinallmoodsofmindandbody。Theproblemis，inthespaceofonehour，moreorless，tobringthemallintothesameconditionofslightlyexaltedlife。Foodaloneisenoughforoneperson，perhaps，——talk，alone，foranother；butthegrandequalizerandfraternizer，whichworksuptheradiatorstotheirmaximumradiation，andtheabsorbentstotheirmaximumreceptivity，isnowjustwhereitwaswhenTheconsciouswatersawitsLordandblushed，——whensixgreatvesselscontainingwater，thewholeamountingtomorethanahogshead-full，werechangedintothebestofwine。I
　　oncewroteasongaboutwine，inwhichIspokesowarmlyofit，thatIwasafraidsomewouldthinkitwaswritteninterpocula；whereasitwascomposedinthebosomofmyfamily，underthemosttranquillizingdomesticinfluences——
　　Thedivinity-studentturnedtowardsme，lookingmischievous——Canyoutellme，——hesaid，——whowroteasongforatemperancecelebrationonce，ofwhichthefollowingisaverse？
　　Alasforthelovedone，toogentleandfairThejoysofthebanquettochastenandshare！
　　Hereyelostitslightthathisgobletmightshine，Andtheroseofhercheekwasdissolvedinhiswine！
　　Idid，——Ianswered——Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit？——IwilltellyouanotherlineIwrotelongago:——
　　Don’tbe"consistent，"——butbesimplytrue。
　　ThelongerIlive，themoreIamsatisfiedoftwothings:first，thatthetruestlivesarethosethatarecutrose-diamond-fashion，withmanyfacetsansweringtothemany-planedaspectsoftheworldaboutthem；secondly，thatsocietyisalwaystryinginsomewayorothertogrindusdowntoasingleflatsurface。Itishardworktoresistthisgrinding-downaction——Nowgivemeachance。Bettereternalanduniversalabstinencethanthebrutalitiesofthosedaysthatmadewivesandmothersanddaughtersandsistersblushforthosewhomtheyshouldhavehonored，astheycamereelinghomefromtheirdebauches！
　　Yetbetterevenexcessthanlyingandhypocrisy；andifwineisuponallourtables，letuspraiseitforitscolorandfragranceandsocialtendency，sofarasitdeserves，andnothugabottleintheclosetandpretendnottoknowtheuseofawine-glassatapublicdinner！Ithinkyouwillfindthatpeoplewhohonestlymeantobetruereallycontradictthemselvesmuchmorerarelythanthosewhotrytobe"consistent。"Butagreatmanythingswesaycanbemadetoappearcontradictory，simplybecausetheyarepartialviewsofatruth，andmayoftenlookunlikeatfirst，asafrontviewofafaceanditsprofileoftendo。
　　Hereisadistinguisheddivine，forwhomIhavegreatrespect，forI
　　owehimacharminghouratoneofourliteraryanniversaries，andhehasoftenspokennoblewords；butheholdsuparemarkofmyfriendthe"Autocrat，"——whichIgrievetosayhetwicemisquotes，byomittingtheverywordwhichgivesititssignificance，——thewordfluid，intendedtotypifythemobilityoftherestrictedwill，——holdsitup，Isay，asifitattackedtherealityoftheself-determiningprinciple，insteadofillustratingitslimitationsbyanimage。NowIwillnotexplainanyfarther，stilllessdefend，andleastofallattack，butsimplyquoteafewlinesfromoneofmyfriend’spoems，printedmorethantenyearsago，andaskthedistinguishedgentlemanwherehehaseverassertedmorestronglyorabsolutelytheindependentwillofthe"subcreativecentre，"asmyhereticalfriendhaselsewherecalledman——
　　Thought，conscience，will，tomakethemallthyownHerentapillarfromtheeternalthrone！——
　　MadeinHisimage，thoumustnoblydareThethornycrownofsovereigntytoshare——
　　Thinknottoomeanlyofthylowestate；
　　Thouhastachoice；tochooseistocreate！