ButI——’’
``Behonest,’’interruptedhe。``Haven’tImadeitplainthatIwasfascinatedbyyou?’’
Shecouldnotdenyit。
``Haven’tIbeenshowingyouthatIwaswillingtodoeverythingIcouldforyou?’’
``Ithoughtyouwereconcernedonlyaboutthesuccessofthepiece。’’
``Thepiecebejiggered,’’saidhe。``Youdon’timagineYOUarenecessarytoitssuccess,doyou?You,araw,untrainedgirl。Don’tyourgoodsensetellyouIcouldfindadozenwhowoulddo,letussay,ALMOST
aswell?’’
``Iunderstandthat,’’murmuredshe。
``Perhapsyoudo,butIdoubtit,’’rejoinedhe。
``Vanity’safastgrowingweed。However,Iratherexpectedthatyouwouldremainsaneandreasonablyhumbleuntilyou’dhadarealsuccess。Butitseemsnot。Nowtellme,whyshouldIgivemytimeandmytalenttotrainingyou——toputtingyouinthewayofquickandbigsuccess?’’
Shewassilent。
``Whatdidyoucountongivingmeinreturn?Yourthanks?’’
Shecolored,hungherhead。
``Wasn’tIdoingforyousomethingworthwhile?
Andwhathadyoutogiveinreturn?’’Helaughedwithgentlemockery。``Really,youshouldhavebeengratefulthatIwaswillingtodosomuchforsolittle,forwhatIwantedought——ifyouareasensiblewoman——toseemtoyouatrifleincomparisonwithwhatI
wasdoingforyou。Itwasmypart,notyours,tothinkthecomplimentarythingsaboutyou。Howshallowandvainyouwomenare!Can’tyouseethatthevalueofyourcharmsisnotinthem,butintheimaginationofsomeman?’’
``Ican’tansweryou,’’saidshe。``You’veputitallwrong。Yououghtn’ttoaskpaymentforafavorbeyondprice。’’
``No,Ioughtn’ttoHAVEtoask,’’correctedhe,inthesamepleasantlyironicway。``Yououghttohavebeenmorethangladtogivefreely。But,curiously,whilewe’vebeentalking,I’vechangedmymindaboutthosepreciousjewelsofyours。We’llsaythey’repearls,andthatmytastehassuddenlychangedtodiamonds。’’Hebowedmockingly。``So,dearlady,keepyourpearls。’’
Andhestoodaside,openingthedoorforher。Shehesitated,dazedthatshewasleaving,withthefeelingoftheconquered,afieldonwhich,byalltheprecedents,sheoughttohavebeenvictor。Shepassedatroublednight,debatedwhethertorelateherqueerexperiencetoMrs。Belloc,decidedforsilence。Itdraftedintoserviceallherreserveofcouragetowalkintothetheaterthenextdayandtoappearonthestageamongtheassembledcompanywithherusualair。Ransdellgreetedherwithhiscustomaryfriendlycourtesyandgaveherhisattention,asalways。Bythetimetheyhadgotthroughthefirstact,inwhichherpartwasoneoffourofaboutequalimportance,shehadrecoveredherselfandwasinthewaytoforgetthestrangestagedirector’sstrangeattackandevenstrangerretreat。Butthesituationchangedwiththesecondact,inwhichshewasonthestageallthetimeandhadthewholeburden。Theactasoriginallywrittenhadbeenlessgeneroustoher。butRansdellhadtakenonethingafteranotherawayfromtheothersandhadgivenittoher。Shemadeherfirstentrancepreciselyashehadtrainedhertomakeitandbegan。Afewseconds,andhestoppedher。
``Pleasetryagain,MissGower,’’saidhe。``I’mafraidthatwon’tdo。’’
Shetriedagain。againhestoppedher。Shetriedathirdtime。Hismannerwasallcourtesyandconsideration,nottheshadeofachange。Butshebegantofeelalatenthostility。Instinctivelysheknewthathewouldnolongerhelpher,thathewouldleavehertoherownresources,andjudgeherbyhowsheacquittedherself。Shemadeablunderofherthirdtrial。
``Really,MissGower,thatwillneverdo,’’saidhemildly。``Letmeshowyouhowyoudidit。’’
Hegaveanimitationofher——aslightcaricature。
Atitterranthroughthechorus。Hesternlyrebukedthemandrequestedhertotryagain。Herfourthattemptwasherworst。Heshookhisheadingentleremonstrance。``Notquiterightyet,’’saidheregretfully。``Butwe’llgoon。’’
Notfar,however。Hestoppedheragain。Againthecourteous,kindlycriticism。Andsoon,throughtheentireact。Bytheendofit,Mildred’snerveswereunstrung。Shesawthewholegame,andrealizedhowhelplessshewas。Beforetheendofthatrehearsal,Mildredhadslippedbackfrompromisingprofessionalintoclumsyamateur,tolerableonlybecauseofthebeautifulfreshnessofhervoice——anditwasaquestionwhethervoicealonewouldsaveher。YetnoonebutMildredherselfsuspectedthatRansdellhaddoneit,hadrevengedhimself,hadservednoticeonherthatsinceshefeltstrongenoughtostandaloneshewastohaveeveryopportunitytodoso。Hehadsaidnothingdisagree-
able。onthecontrary,hehadbeenmostcourteous,mostforbearing。
Inthethirdactshewasworsethaninthesecond。
Attheendoftherehearsaltheothers,theretoforeflatteringandencouraging,turnedawaytotalkamongthemselvesandavoidedher。Ransdell,abouttoleave,said:
``Don’tlooksodown-hearted,MissGower。You’llbeallrightto-morrow。Anoffday’snothing。’’
Hesaiditloudlyenoughfortheotherstohear。
Mildred’sfacegrewredwithwhitestreaksacrossit,liketheprintsofalash。Thesubtlestfeatureofhismalevolencehadbeenthat,whereasonotherdayshehadtakenherasidetocriticizeher,onthisdayhehadspokenout——gently,deprecatingly,butfrankly——beforethewholecompany。NeverhadMildredGowerbeensosadandsoblueasshewasthatdayandthatnight。Shecametotherehearsalthefollowingdaywithasorethroat。Shesang,buthervoicecrackedonthehighnotes。Itwasapainfulexhibition。Herfellowprincipals,whohadbeenrathergladofherset-backthedaybefore,werefullofpityandsympathy。Theydidnotexpressit。theyweretookindforthat。Buttheirlooks,theirdrawingawayfromher——Mildredcouldhavebornesneersandjeersbetter。AndRansdellwasSOforbearing,SOgentle。
Hervoicegotbetter,gotworse。Heractingremainedmediocretobad。Atthefifthrehearsalafterthebreakwiththestage-director,MildredsawCrossleyseatedfarbackintheduskoftheemptytheater。Itwashisfirstappearanceatrehearsalssincethemiddleofthefirstweek。Assoonashehadsatisfiedhimselfthatallwasgoingwell,hehadgivenhisattentiontoothermatterswherethingswerenotgoingwell。Mildredknewwhyhewasthere——andsheactedandsangatrociously。
Ransdellaggravatedhernervousnessbyostentatiouslytryingtohelpher,bymakingseeminglyadroitattemptstocoverhermistakes——attemptsapparentlythwartedandexposedonlybecauseshewashopelesslybad。
InthepausebetweenthesecondandthirdactsRansdellwentdownandsatwithCrossley,andtheyengagedinearnestconversation。Thewhile,themembersofthecompanywanderedrestlesslyaboutthestage,makingfeebleattemptstoliftthegloomwithaffectedcheerfulness。
Ransdellreturnedtothestage,wentuptoMildred,whowassittingidlyturningtheleavesofapart-book。
``MissGower,’’saidhe,andneverhadhisvoicebeensofriendlyasintheseregretfulaccents,``don’ttrytogoonto-day。You’reevidentlynotyourself。Gohomeandrestforafewdays。We’llgetalongwithyourunderstudy,MissEsmond。WhenMr。Crossleywantstoputyouinagain,he’llsendforyou。Youmustn’tbediscouraged。Iknowhowbeginnerstakethesethingstoheart。Don’tfretaboutit。Youcan’tfailtosucceed。’’
Mildredroseand,howsheneverknew,crossedthestage。Shestumbledintotheflats,fumbledherwaytothepassageway,toherdressing-room。Shefeltthatshemustescapefromthattheaterquickly,orshewouldgivewaytosomesortofwildattackofnerves。ShefairlyranthroughthestreetstoMrs。Belloc’s,shutherselfinherroom。Butinsteadofthereliefofastormoftears,therecameablack,hideousdepression。Hourafterhourshesat,almostwithoutmotion。Theafternoonwaned。theearlydarknesscame。Stillshedidnotmove——couldnotmove。Ateighto’clockMrs。Bellocknocked。Mildreddidnotanswer。Herdooropened——shehadforgottentolockit。IncameMrs。Belloc。
``Isn’tthatyou,sittingbythewindow?’’shesaid。
``Yes,’’repliedMildred。
``Irecognizedtheoutlineofyourhat。Besides,whoelsecoulditbebutyou?I’vesavedsomedinnerforyou。Ithoughtyouwerestillout。’’
Mildreddidnotanswer。
``What’sthematter?’’saidAgnes?``Ill?badnews?’’
``I’velostmyposition,’’saidMildred。
Apause。ThenMrs。Bellocfeltherwayacrosstheroomuntilshewastouchingthegirl。``Tellmeaboutit,dear,’’saidshe。
Inamonotonous,lifelesswayMildredtoldthestory。
ItwassometimeaftershefinishedwhenAgnessaid:
``That’sbad——bad,butitmightbeworse。Youmustgotoseethemanager,Crossley。’’
``Why?’’saidMildred。
``Tellhimwhatyoutoldme。’’
Mildred’ssilencewasdissent。
``Itcan’tdoanyharm,’’urgedAgnes。
``Itcan’tdoanygood,’’repliedMildred。
``Thatisn’tthewaytolookatit。’’
Alongpause。ThenMildredsaid:``IfIgotaplacesomewhereelse,I’dmeetthesamethinginanotherform。’’
``You’vegottoriskthat。’’
``Besides,I’dneverhavehadachanceofsucceedingifMr。Ransdellhadn’ttaughtmeandstoodbehindme。’’
ItwasmanyminutesbeforeAgnesBellocsaidinahesitating,restrainedvoice:``Theysaythatsuccess——anykindofsuccess——hasitsprice,andthatonehastobereadytopaythatpriceorfail。’’
Againtheprofoundsilence。Intoitgraduallypenetratedthesoft,insistentsoundofthedistantroarofNewYork——acruel,clamorous,devouringsoundlikeademandforthatpriceofsuccess。SaidAgnestimidly:
``WhynotgotoseeMr。Ransdell。’’
``Hewouldn’tmakeitup,’’saidMildred。``AndI——
Icouldn’t。ItriedtomarryStanleyBairdformoney——andIcouldn’t。Itwouldbethesamewaynow——onlymoreso。’’
``Butyou’vegottodosomething。’’
``Yes,andIwill。’’Mildredhadrisenabruptly,wasstandingatthewindow。AgnesBelloccouldfeelhersoulrearingdefiantlyatthecityintowhichshewasgazing。``Iwill!’’shereplied。
``Itsoundsasifyou’dbeenpushedtowhereyou’dturnandmakeafight,’’saidAgnes。
``Ihopeso,’’saidMildred。``It’shightime。’’
ShethoughtoutseveralmoreorlessingeniousindirectroutesintoMr。Crossley’sstronghold,foruseincasefrontalattackfailed。Butshedidnotneedthem。
Still,thehoursshespentinplanningthemwerebynomeanswasted。Notimeiswastedthatisspentindesperate,concentratedthinkingaboutanyofthepracticalproblemsoflife。AndMildredGower,asmuchasanyotherwomanofhertraining——orlackoftraining——
wasdeficientinabilitytousehermindpurposefully。
Mostofusletourmindsactlikeasheepinapasture——gowanderinghitherandyon,nibblingatwhateverhappenstooffer。Onlythesuperiorfewdeliberatelyselectapasture,selectalineofprocedureinthatpastureandkeeptoit,concentratinguponwhatisusefultous,andthatalone。SoitwasexcellentexperienceforMildredtositdownandthinkconnectedlyandwithwhollyabsorbedminduponthephaseofhercareermostimportantatthemoment。Whenshehadworkedoutalltheplansthathadpromiseinthemshewenttranquillytosleep,astrongerandamoredeterminedperson,forshehadsaidwiththeenergythatcounts:``Ishallseehim,somehow。Ifnoneoftheseschemesworks,I’llworkoutothers。He’sgottoseeme。’’
Butitwasnooccult``bearingdown’’thatledhimtoorderheradmittedtheinstanthercardcame。Helikedher。hewishedtoseeheragain。hefeltthatitwasthedecentthing,andsomehownotdifficultgentlybutclearlytoconveytoherthetruth。Onhersideshe,whohadlookedforwardtotheinterviewwithsomenervousness,wasathereasethemomentshefacedhimaloneinthatinneroffice。Hehadextraordinarypersonalcharm——morethanRansdell,thoughRansdellhadthecharminvariablyfoundinahandsomehumanbeingwiththemany-sidedintellectthatgiveslightnessofmind。Crossleywasnotintellectual,notintheleast。Onehadonlytoglanceathimtoseethathewasoneofthosemenwhoreservealltheirintelligenceforthepracticalsidesofthepracticalthingthatformsthebasisoftheirmaterialcareer。Heknewsomethingofmanythings,hadawonderfulassortmentoftalents——couldsing,couldplaypianoorviolin,couldcompose,couldact,coulddomystifyingcardtricks,couldorderwomen’sclothesasdiscriminatinglyashecouldorderhisown——allthesethingsalittle,butnothingmuchexceptmakingasuccessofmusicalcomedyandcomicopera。Hehadanambition,carefullyrestrainedinaclosetofhismind,whereitcouldnotissueforthandinterferewithhisbusiness。Thisambitionwastobeagiverofgrandoperaonasuperbscale。Heregardedhimselfasameremoney-maker——wasnotashamedofthis,butneitherwasheproudofit。Hisambitionthenrepresentedadreamofarisetosomethingmorethanbusinessman,tofriendandencouragerandwetnursetoart。
MildredGowerhadhappenedtosethisimaginationtoworking。Thediscoverythatshewasoneofthosewhosepersonalitiesrousehighexpectationsonlytomockthemhadbeenasevereblowtohisconfidenceinhisownjudgment。Thoughhepretendedtobelieve,andhadthehabitofsayingthathewas``weakandsoft,’’wasalwaysbeingmisledbyhisgoodnature,hereallybelievedhimselfanunerringjudgeofhumanbeings,and,ashissuccessevidenced,hewasnotfarwrong。Thus,thoughconvincedthatMildredwasa``falsealarm,’’
hissecretvanitywouldnotlethimreleasehisoriginalidea。Hehadthetenacitythatisanimportantelementinallsuccesses。andtenacitybecomeafixedhabithasevenbeenknowntoruinintheendtheverycareersithasmade。
SaidMildred,inamannerwhichwasastonishinglyunemotionalandbusinesslike:``I’venotcometotattleandtowhine,Mr。Crossley。I’vehesitatedaboutcomingatall,partlybecauseI’veaninstinctit’suseless,partlybecausewhatIhavetosayisn’teasy。’’
Crossley’sexpressionhardened。Theoldstory!——
excuses,excuses,self-excuse——somebodyelsetoblame。
``Ifithadn’tbeenforMr。Ransdell——thetroublehetookwithme,thecoachinghegaveme——I’dhavebeenaridiculousfailureattheveryfirstrehearsal。But——itistoMr。Ransdellthatmyfailureisdue。’’
``MydearMissGower,’’saidCrossley,politebutcold,``Iregrethearingyousaythat。Thefactisverydifferent。Notuntilyouhaddoneso——sounacceptablyatseveralrehearsalsthatnewsofitreachedmebyanotherway——notuntilImyselfwenttoMr。
Ransdellaboutyoudidheadmitthattherecouldbeapossibilityofadoubtofyoursucceeding。IhadtogotorehearsalmyselfanddirectlyorderhimtorestoreMissEsmondandlayyouoff。’’
Mildredwasnotunprepared。Shereceivedthistranquilly。``Mr。Ransdellisaverycleverman,’’saidshewithperfectgoodhumor。``I’venohopeofconvincingyou,butImusttellmyside。’’
Andclearlyandsimply,withnoconcealmentsthroughfearofdisturbinghishighidealofherladylikedeli-
cacy,shetoldhimthestory。Helistened,seatedwellbackinhistilteddesk-chair,hisgazeupontheceiling。
Whenshefinishedheheldhisposeamoment,thengotupandpacedthelengthoftheofficeseveraltimes,hishandsinhispockets。Hepaused,lookedkeenlyather,agood-humoredsmileinthoseeyesofhissofascinatingtowomenbecauseoftheirfrankwaveringofaninconstancyitwouldindeedbeatriumphtoseizeandhold。
Saidhe:
``Andyourbadthroat?DidRansdellgiveyouagerm?’’
Shecolored。Hehadgonestraightattheweakpoint。
``Ifyou’dbeenabletosing,’’hewenton,``nobodycouldhavedoneyouup。’’
Shecouldnotgatherherselftogetherforspeech。
``Didn’tyouknowyourvoicewasn’treliablewhenyoucametome?’’
``Yes,’’sheadmitted。
``Andwasn’tthattheREALreasonyouhadgivenupgrandopera?’’pursuedhemercilessly。
``ThereasonwaswhatItoldyou——lackofmoney,’’
repliedshe。``IdidnotgointothereasonwhyIlackedmoney。WhyshouldIwhen,evenonmyworstdays,Icouldgetthroughallmypartinamusicalcomedy——
exceptsongsthatcouldbecutdownorcutout?IfI
couldhavemadegoodatacting,wouldyouhavegivenmeuponaccountofmyvoice?’’
``Notifyouhadbeengoodenough,’’headmitted。
``ThenIdidnotgetmyengagementonfalsepretenses?’’
``No。Youareright。Still,yourfall-downasasingeristheimportantfact。Don’tlosesightofit。’’
``Ishan’t,’’saidshetersely。
Hiseyeswerefranklylaughing。``AstoRansdell——whataclevertrick!He’saremarkableman。Ifheweren’tsoshrewdinthoselittleways,hemighthavebeenagreatman。Sameoldstory——justalittletoosmart,andsoalwaysdoingthelittlethingandmissingthebigthing。Yes,hewentgunningforyou——andgotyou。’’Hedroppedintohischair。Hethoughtamoment,laughedaloud,wenton:``Nodoubthehasworkedthatsametrickmanyatime。I’vesuspecteditonceortwice,butthistimehefooledme。Hegotyou,MissGower,andIcandonothing。YoumustseethatIcan’tlookafterdetails。AndIcan’tgiveupasinvaluableamanasRansdell。IfIputyouback,he’dputyouout——wouldmakethepiecefailratherthanletyousucceed。’’
Mildredwasgazingsomberlyatthefloor。
``It’shardlines——devilishhardlines,’’hewentonsympathetically。``ButwhatcanIdo?’’
``WhatcanIdo?’’saidMildred。
``Doasallpeopledowhosucceed——meettheconditions。’’
``I’mnotpreparedtogoasfarasthat,atleastnotyet,’’saidshewithbittersarcasm。``PerhapswhenI’mactuallystarvingandinrags——’’
``Averydistressingfuture,’’interruptedCrossley。
``But——Ididn’tmaketheworld。Don’tberateme。
Besensible——andbehonest,MissGower,andtellme——
howcouldIpossiblyprotectyouandcontinuetogivesuccessfulshows?Ifyoucansuggestanyfeasibleway,I’lltakeit。’’
``No,thereisn’tanyway,’’repliedshe,risingtogo。
Herosetoescorthertothehalldoor。``Personally,theRansdellsortofthingis——distastefultome。PerhapsifIwerenotsobusyImightbeforcedbymyowngiddymisconducttotakelesshighground。I’veobservedthatthebestthatcanbesaidforhumannatureatitsbestisthatitisaswellbehavedasitsrealtemptationspermit。Hewasmakingyou,youknow。You’veadmittedit。’’
``There’snodoubtaboutthat,’’saidMildred。
``Mindyou,I’mnotexcusinghim。I’msimplyexplaininghim。Ifyourvoicehadbeenallright——ifyoucouldhavestoodtoanydegreethetestheputyouto,thetestofstandingalone——you’dhavedefeatedhim。Hewouldn’thavedaredgoon。He’stooshrewdtothinkarealtalentcanbebeaten。’’
Thestronglines,thelatentcharacter,inMildred’sfaceweresostronglyinevidencethatlookingatherthennoonewouldhavethoughtofherbeautyorevenofhersex,butonlyoftheforcethatresistsallandovercomesall。``Yes——thevoice,’’saidshe。``Thevoice。’’
``Ifit’severreliable,cometoseeme。Untilthen——’’
Heputouthishand。Whenshegavehimhers,hehelditinawaythatgavehernoimpulsetodrawback。
``Youknowtheconditionsofsuccessnow。Youmustpreparetomeetthem。IfyouputyourselfatthemercyoftheRansdells——oranyotherofthepettyintriguersthatbeseteveryavenueofsuccess——youmusttaketheconsequences,youmustconciliatethemasbestyoucan。
Ifyoudon’twishtobeattheirmercy,youmustdoyourpart。’’
Shenodded。Hereleasedherhand,openedthehalldoor。Hesaid:
``Forgivemylittlelecture。ButIlikeyou,andI
can’thelphavinghopeofyou。’’Hesmiledcharmingly,hiskeen,inconstanteyesdimming。``PerhapsI
hopebecauseyou’reyoungandextremelylovelyandI
ampitifullysusceptible。Yousee,you’dbettergo。
Everyman’saRansdellatheartwhereprettywomenareconcerned。’’
Shedidnotleavethebuilding。ShewenttotheelevatorandaskedtheboywhereshecouldfindSignorMoldini。Hisofficewasthebigroomonthethirdfloorwherevoicecandidateswereusuallytriedout,threedaysintheweek。Atthemomenthewasengaged。Mildred,seatedinthetinyanteroom,heardthroughtheglassdooragirlsinging,ortryingtosing。Itwasadistressingperformance,andMildredwonderedthatMoldinicouldbesotolerantastohearherthrough。Hecametothedoorwithher,thankedherprofusely,toldherhewouldletherknowwhenevertherewasanopening``suitedtoyourtalents。’’AsheobservedMildred,hewasstillsighingandshakinghisheadoverthedepartedcandidate。
``Uglyandignorant!’’hegroaned。``Poorcreature!Poor,poorcreature。Shemakesthreedollarsaweek——inafactoryownedbyagreatphilanthropist。
Threedollarsaweek。Andshehasnowaytomakeacentmore。MissGower,theytalkaboutthesad,naughtygirlswhosellthemselvesinthestreettopieceouttheirwages。Butthink,dearyounglady,howinfinitelybetteroftheyarethantheuglyoneswhocan’tpieceouttheirwages。’’
Therehelookeddirectlyatherforthefirsttime。
Beforeshecouldgraspthetragicsadnessofhisidea,he,withthemobilityofcandidandhighlysensitizednatures,shiftedfrommelancholytogay,forinlookingatherhehadcaughtonlythecharmofdress,offace,ofarrangementofhair。``Whatapleasure!’’heexclaimed,burstingintosmilesandseizingandkissingherglovedhands。``Voicelikeabird,facelikeanangel——onlynotTOOgood,no,notTOOgood。Butitissorare——tolookasonesings,tosingasonelooks。’’
Foronce,compliment,sincerecomplimentfromonewhoseopinionwasworthwhile,gaveMildredpain。Sheburstoutwithhernews:``SignorMoldini,I’velostmyplaceinthecompany。Myvoicehasgonebackonme。’’
UsuallyMoldiniaboundedintheconsiderationoffinenaturesthathavesuffereddeeplyfromlackofconsideration。
Buthewassoastoundedthathecouldonlystarestupidlyather,smoothinghislonggreasyhairwithhisthinbrownhand。
``It’sallmyfault。Idon’ttakecareofmyself,’’shewenton。``Idon’ttakecareofmyhealth。Atleast,Ihopethat’sit。’’
``Hope!’’hesaid,suddenlyangry。
``Hopeso,becauseifitisn’tthat,thenI’venochanceforacareer,’’explainedshe。
Helookedatherfeet,pointedanuncannilylongforefingeratthem。``Thecrossingsandsidewalksareslush——andyou,asinger,withoutovershoes!Lunacy!
Lunacy!’’
``I’veneverwornovershoes?’’saidMildredapologetically。
``Don’ttellme!Iwishnottohear。Itmakesme——likemadnesshere。’’Hestruckhislowslopingbrowwithhispalm。``Whatvanity!Thatthefeetmaylookwelltothepassingstranger,noovershoes!
Rheumatism,sorethroat,colds,pneumonia。Isitnotdisgusting。IfyouwereamanIshouldswearinallthelanguagesIknow——whicharefive,includingHungarian,andwhenoneswearsinHungarianitis`goingsome,’asyousayinAmerica。Yes,itisgoingquitesome。’’
``Ishallwearovershoes,’’saidMildred。
``Andindigestion——youhavethat?’’
``Alittle,Iguess。’’
``Much——much,Itellyou!’’criedMoldini,shakingthelongfingerather。``YouAmericans!Youeattoofastandyoueattoomuch。Thatiswhyyouarealwayssick,andconsultingthedoctorswhogivethemedicinesthatmakeworse,notbetter。Yes,youAmericansarelikechildren。Youknownothing。Sing?
Americanscannotsinguntiltheylearnthatastomachisn’tawaste-basket,totosseverythinginto。Youhavebeentothatthroatspecialist,Hicks?’’
``Ah,yes,’’saidMildredbrightening。``Hesaidtherewasnothingorganicallywrong。’’
``Heisanass,andacriminal。Heruinsthroats。
Helikestocut,andhelikestospray。Hespraysthosepoisonsthatrelievecoldsandparalyzethethroatandcords。Americanssing?Itistolaugh!Theyhavetoomanydoctors。theytaketoomanypills。Doyouknowwhatyournationalemblemshouldbe?Adollar-
sign——yes。Butthatforallnations。No,apill——apill,Itellyou。Youtakepills?’’
``Nowandthen,’’saidMildred,laughing。``IadmitIhaveseveralkindsalwaysonhand。’’
``Yousee!’’criedhetriumphantly。``No,itisnotmereartthatAmericaneeds,butmoresenseabouteating——andtokeepawayfromthedoctors。Peoplefullofpills,theycannotmakepoemsandpictures,andwriteoperasandsingthem。Throwawaythosepills,dearyounglady,Iimploreyou。’’
``SignorMoldini,I’vecometoaskyoutohelpme。’’
InstantlytheItalianclearedhisfaceofitshalf-
humorous,half-querulousexpression。Initsplacecameagraveandcourteouseagernesstoserveherthatwasapleasure,evenifitwasnotaltogethersincere。AndMildredcouldnotbelieveitsincere。Whyshouldhecarewhatbecameofher,orbewillingtoputhimselfoutforher?
``Youtoldmeonedaythatyouhadatonetimetaughtsinging,’’continuedshe。
``UntilIwasstarvedout?’’repliedhe。``Itoldpeoplethetruth。IftheycouldnotsingIsaidso。IftheysangbadlyItoldthemwhy,anditwasalwaystheupsetstomach,thefoolishfood,andpeoplewillnottakecareaboutfood。Theywilleatwhattheyplease,andtheysayeatingisgoodforthem,andthatanyonewhoopposesthemisacrank。Somostofmypupilsleft,exceptthoseItaughtfornothing——andtheydidnotheedme,andcametonothing。’’
``Youshowedmeintenminutesonedayhowtocuremyworstfault。I’vesungbetter,morenaturallyeversince。’’
``Youcouldsinglikethebirds。Youdo——almost。
Youcouldbetaughttosingasfreelyandsweetlyandnaturallyasaflowergivesperfume。ThatisYOUR
divinegift,youngladysongaspureandfreshasabird’ssongrainingdownthroughtheleavesfromthetree-top。’’
``Ihavenomoney。I’vegottogetit,andIshallgetit,’’continuedMildred。``Iwantyoutoteachme——atanyhourthatyouarefree。AndIwanttoknowhowmuchyouwillcharge,sothatIshallknowhowmuchtoget。’’
``Twodollarsalesson。Or,ifyoutakesixlessonsaweek,tendollars。Thoseweremyterms。Icouldnottakeless。’’
``Itistoolittle,’’saidMildred。``Thepoorestkindsofteachersgetfivedollarsanhour——andteachnothing。’’
``Twodollars,tendollarsaweek,’’repliedhe。``ItisthemostIevercouldget。Iwillnottakemorefromyou。’’
``Itistoolittle,’’saidshe。``ButI’llnotinsist——
forobviousreasons。Now,ifyou’llgivemeyourhomeaddress,I’llgo。WhenIgetthemoney,I’llwritetoyou。’’
``Butwait!’’criedhe,assherosetodepart。``Whysohurried?Letussee。Takeofthewrap。Stepbe-
hindthescreenandloosenyourcorset。Perhapsevenyoucouldtakeitoff?’’
``Notwithoutundressing,’’saidMildred。``ButI
candothatifit’snecessary。’’Shelaughedqueerly。
``FromthistimeonI’lldoANYTHINGthat’snecessary。’’
``No,——nevermind。Thedressofwoman——ofyourkindofwomen。Itisnotserious。’’Helaughedgrimly。``Asfortheotherkind,theirdressistheonlyseriousthingaboutthem。Itisamistaketothinkthatwomenwhodressbadlyareserious。Myexperiencehasbeenthattheyarethemostfoolishofall。Fashionabledress——itispartofawoman’stools。Itshowsthatsheisgoodatherbusiness。Thewomenwhotrytodresslikemen,theyaregoodneitheratmen’sbusinessnoratwomen’s。’’
This,whileMildredwasbehindthescreen,looseninghercorset——though,infact,sheworeitsolooseatalltimesthatsheinconveniencedherselfsimplytoshowherwillingnesstodoasshewastold。Whenshecameout,Moldiniputherthrougharigidphysicalexamination——madeherbreathewhileheheldonehandonherstomach,theotheronherback,listenedatherheart,openedwideherthroatandpeereddown,thrusthislongstrongfingersdeepintothemusclesofherarms,herthroat,herchest,untilshehaddifficultyinnotcryingoutwithpain。
``Thefoundationisthere,’’washisverdict。``Youhaveagoodbody,goodmuscles,butflabby——alady’smuscles,notanoperasinger’s。Andyouarestiff——
notsostiffaswhenyoufirstcamehere,butstiffforaprofessional。Ah,wemustgoatthisscientifically,thoroughly。’’
``Youwillteachmetobreathe——andhowtoproducemyvoicenaturally?’’
``Iwillteachyounothing,’’repliedhe。``Iwilltellyouwhattodo,andyouwillteachyourself。Youmustgetstrong——stronginthesuppleway——andthenyouwillsingasGodintended。Thewaytosing,dearyounglady,istosing。Nottobreatheartificially,andmakefaces,andfusswithyourthroat,butsimplytodropyourmouthandthroatopenandletitout!’’
Mildredproducedfromherhand-bagtheKeithpaper。``WhatdoYOUthinkofthat?’’sheasked。
Presentlyhelookedupfromhisreading。``ThispartIhaveseenbefore,’’saidhe。``ItisLuciaRivi’s。
Hercousin,LottaDrusini,showedittome——shewasagreatsingeralso。’’
``Youapproveofit?’’
``Ifyouwillfollowthatfortwoyears,faithfully,youwillbesecurelygreat,andthenyouwillfollowitallyoursinginglife——anditwillbelong。Butremember,dearyounglady,IsaidIFyoufollowit,andIsaidfaithfully。Idonotbelieveyoucan。’’
``Whynot?’’saidMildred。
``Becausethatmeansself-denial,colossalself-denial。
Youlovethingstoeat——yes?’’
Mildrednodded。
``Wealldo,’’saidMoldini。``Andwehateroutine,andwelikefoolish,aimlesslittlepleasuresofallkinds。’’
``AnditwillbetwoyearsbeforeIcantrygrandopera——canmakemyliving?’’saidMildredslowly。
``Ididnotsaythat。Isaid,beforeyouwouldbegreat。No,youcansing,Ithink,in——wait。’’
Moldiniflungrapidlythroughanenormousmassofmusiconalargetable。``Ah,here!’’hecried,andheshowedheramanuscriptofscales。``Thosetwopapers。
Itdoesnotlookmuch?Well,Ihavemadeitup,myself。Andwhenyoucansingthosetwopapersperfectly,youwillbeagreatersingerthananythateverlived。’’Helaugheddelightedly。``Yes,itisallthere——intwopages。Butdonotweep,dearlady,becauseyouwillneversingthemperfectly。Youwilldoverywellif——Alwaysthatif,remember!Now,letussee。Takethis,sitinthechair,andbegin。Don’tbotheraboutme。Iexpectnothing。Justdothebestyoucan。’’
Desperation,whenitfallsshortofdespair,isthebestwordforachievement。Mildred’svoice,especiallyattheoutset,wasfarfromperfectcondition。Herhighnotes,whichhadneverbeendevelopedproperly,werealmostbad。Butsheacquittedherselfadmirablyfromthestandpointofshowingwhatherpossibilitieswere。AndMoldini,unkempt,almostunclean,butasnaturalandsimpleandhumanasoulaseverpaidthepenaltiesofpovertyandobscurityandfriendlessnessforbeingnaturalandsimpleandhuman,exactlysuitedherpeculiartemperament。Sheknewthathelikedher,thathebelievedinher。sheknewthathewasassympathetictowardherasherownself,thattherewasnomeannessanywhereinhim。Soshesanglikeabird——
abirdthatwasnottoowellinsoulorinbody,butstillabirdoutinthesunshine,withtheairsofspringcheer-
inghisbreastanditsfoliagegladdeninghiseyes。Hekeptheratitfornearlyanhour。Shesawthathewaspleased,thathehadthoughtoutsomeplanandwasburstingtotellher,buthadforbiddenhimselftospeakofit。Hesaid:
``Yousayyouhavenomoney?’’
``No,butIshallgetit。’’
``Youmayhavetopayhighforit——yes?’’
Shecolored,butdidnotflinch。``Atworst,itwillbe——unpleasant,butthat’sall。’’
``Waitone——twodays——untilyouhearfromme。
Imay——Idonotsaywill,butmay——getit。Yes,I
whohavenothing。’’Helaughedgayly。``Andwe——
youandI——wewilldividethespoils。’’Gravely。``Donotmisunderstand。Thatwasmylittlejoke。IfIgetthemoneyforyouitwillbequitehonorableandbusinesslike。
So——wait,dearyounglady。’’
Asshewasgoing,shecouldnotresistsaying:
``YouareSUREIcansing?——IF,ofcourse——alwaystheif。’’
``Itisnottobedoubted。’’
``Howwell,doyouthink?’’
``Youmeanhowmanydollarsanightwell?Youmeanaswellasthisgreatsingerorthat?Idonotknow。Andyouarenottocompareyourselfwithanyonebutyourself。YouwillsingaswellasMildredGoweratherbest。’’
Forsomereasonherbloodwenttinglingthroughherveins。Ifshehaddaredshewouldhavekissedhim。
X
THATsameafternoonDonaldKeith,arrivedatthetopofMrs。Belloc’ssteps,metMildredcomingout。
Seeingtheirgreeting,onewouldhavethoughttheyhadseeneachotherbutafewminutesbeforeorwerecasualacquaintances。Saidshe:
``I’mgoingforawalk。’’
``Let’stakethetaxi,’’saidhe。
Thereitstoodinvitinglyatthecurb。Shefelttired。
Shedislikedwalking。Shewishedtositbesidehimandbewhirledaway——outofthenoisypartofthecity,upwheretheairwascleanandwheretherewerenocrowds。
ButshehadbeguntheregimenofLuciaRivi。Shehesitated。Whatmatterifshebegannoworputoffbeginninguntilafterthisonelastdrive?
``No,wewillwalk,’’saidshe。
``Butthestreetsareinfrightfulcondition。’’
Shethrustoutafootcoveredwithanewandshinystorm-rubber。
``Let’sdrivetotheparkthen。We’llwalkthere。’’
``No。IfIgetintothetaxi,I’llnotgetout。Senditaway。’’
WhentheyweremovingafootupMadisonAvenue,hesaid:``What’sthematter?Thisisn’tlikeyou。’’
``I’vecometomysenses,’’repliedshe。``Itmaybetoolate,butI’mgoingtosee。’’
``WhenIcalledonMrs。Brindleytheotherday,’’
saidhe,``shehadyournote,sayingthatyouweregoingintomusicalcomedywithCrossley。’’
``That’sover,’’saidshe。``Ilostmyvoice,andI
lostmyjob。’’
``SoIheard,’’saidhe。``IknowCrossley。I
droppedintoseehimthismorning,andhetoldmeaboutafoolish,fashionablegirlwhomadeabluffatgoingonthestage——hesaidshehadagoodvoiceandwasaswelllooker,butprovedtobearegular`four-
flusher。’Irecognizedyou。’’
``Thanks,’’saidshedryly。
``So,Icametoseeyou。’’
SheinquiredaboutMrs。BrindleyandthenaboutStanleyBaird。FindingthathewasinItaly,sheinquired:``Doyouhappentoknowhisaddress?’’
``I’llgetitandsendittoyou。HehastakenahouseatMonteCarloforthewinter。’’
``Andyou?’’
``Ishallstayhere——Ithink。’’
``Youmayjoinhim?’’
``Itdepends’’——helookedather——``uponyou。’’
Hecouldputawonderfulamountofmeaningintoaslightinflection。Shestruggled——notinvain——tokeepfromchangingexpression。
``Yourealizenowthatthecareerisquitehopeless?’’
saidhe。
Shedidnotanswer。
``Youdonotlikethestagelife?’’
``No。’’
``Andthestagelifedoesnotlikeyou?’’
``No。’’
``Yourvoicelacksbothstrengthandstability?’’
``Yes。’’
``Andyouhavefoundtheonewaybywhichyoucouldgeton——andyoudon’tlikeit?’’
``Crossleytoldyou?’’saidshe,thecolorflaring。
``Yournamewasnotmentioned。Youmaynotbelieveit,butCrossleyisagentleman。’’
Shewalkedoninsilence。
``Ididnotexpectyourfailuretocomesosoon——orinquitethatway,’’hewenton。``IgotMrs。Brindleytoexactapromisefromyouthatyou’dletherknowaboutyourself。IcalledonMrs。Belloconedaywhenyouwereout,andgavehermyconfidenceandgothers——andassuredmyselfthatyouwereingoodhands。
Crossley’stalegaveme——ashock。Icameatonce。’’
``Thenyoudidn’tabandonmetomyfate,asI
thought?’’
Hesmiledinhisstrangeway。``I?——whenIlovedyou?Hardly。’’
``Thenyoudidinterestyourselfinmebecauseyoucared——preciselyasIsaid,’’laughedshe。
``AndIshouldhavegivenyouupifyouhadsucceeded——preciselyasIsaid,’’repliedhe。
``Youwishedmetofail?’’
``Iwishedyoutofail。IdideverythingIcouldtohelpyoutosucceed。Ievenleftyouabsolutelyalone,setyouintherightway——theonlywayinwhichanyonecanwinsuccess。’’
``Yes,youmademethrowawaythecrutchesandtrytowalk。’’
``Itwashardtodothat。Thosestrainsareverywearingatmytimeoflife。’’
``Youneverwereanyyounger,andyou’llneverbeanyolder,’’laughedshe。``That’syourcharm——oneofthem。’’
``Mildred,doyoustillcare?’’
``Howdidyouknow?’’inquiredshemockingly。
``Youdidn’ttrytoconcealit。I’dnothaveventuredtosayanddothethingsIsaidanddidifIhadn’tfeltthatwecaredforeachother。But,solongasyouwereleadingthatfatuouslifeanddreamingthosefoolishdreams,Iknewwecouldneverbehappy。’’
``Thatistrue——oh,SOtrue,’’repliedshe。
``Butnow——youhavetried,andthathasmadeawomanofyou。Andyouhavefailed,andthathasmadeyoureadytobeawife——tobehappyinthequiet,privateways。’’
Shewassilent。
``Icanmakeenoughforusboth——asmuchaswewillneedorwant——asmuchasyouplease,ifyouaren’ttooextravagant。AndIcandoiteasily。It’smakinglittlesums——asmallincome——that’shardinthisridiculousworld。Let’smarry,gotoCaliforniaorEuropeforseveralmonths,thencomebackhereandlivelikehumanbeings。’’
Shewassilent。Blockafterblocktheywalkedalong,asifneitherhadanythingespecialinmind,anythingworththetroubleofspeech。Finallyhesaid:
``Well?’’
``Ican’tanswer——yet,’’saidshe。``Notto-day——
nottillI’vethought。’’
Sheglancedquicklyathim。Overhisimpassiveface,sobeautifullyregularand,toher,sofascinating,therepassedaquickdarkshadow,andsheknewthathewassuffering。Helaughedquietly,hisoldcareless,indifferentlaugh。
``Oh,yes,youcananswer,’’saidhe。``Youhaveanswered。’’
Shedrewinherbreathsharply。
``Youhaverefused。’’
``Whydoyousaythat,Donald?’’shepleaded。
``Tohesitateoveraproposalistorefuse,’’saidhewithgentleraillery。``Amanisafoolwhodoesnotunderstandandsheeroffwhenawomanasksfortime。’’
``YouknowthatIloveyou,’’shecried。
``Ialsoknowthatyoulovesomethingelsemore。
Butit’sfinished。Let’stalkaboutsomethingelse。’’
``Won’tyouletmetellyouwhyIhesitate?’’beggedshe。
``Itdoesn’tmatter。’’
``Butitdoes。Yes,Idorefuse,Donald。I’llnevermarryyouuntilIamindependent。YousaidawhileagothatwhatI’vebeenthroughhadmadeawomanofme。Notyet。I’monlybeginning。I’mstillweak——
stillacoward。Donald,Imustandwillbefree。’’
Helookedfullather,withastrangesmileinhisbrillianteyes。Saidhe,withobviousintenttochangethesubject:``Mrs。Brindley’sveryunhappythatyouhaven’tbeentoseeher。’’
``Whenyouaskedmetomarryyou,theonlyreasonIalmostacceptedwasbecauseIwantsomeonetosupportme。Iloveyou——yes。Butitisasonelovesbeforeonehasgivenoneselfandhaslivedthesamelifewithanother。Intheordinarysense,it’slovethatIfeel。But——doyouunderstandme,dearest?——inanothersense,it’sonlythehopeoflove,thebeliefthatlovewillcome。’’
Hestoppedshortandlookedather,hiseyesalivewiththestimulusofanewandstartlingidea。
``IfyouandIhadbeeneverythingtoeachother,andyouweresaying`Letusgoonlivingtheonelife’
andIwerehesitating,thenyou’dberight。AndI
couldn’thesitate,Donald。Ifyouweremine,nothingcouldmakemegiveyouup,butwhenit’sonlythehopeofhavingyou,thenprideandself-respecthaveachancetobeheard。’’
Hewasreadytomoveon。``There’ssomethinginthat,’’saidhe,lapsedintohisusualseemingofimpassiveness。``Butnotmuch。’’
``Ineverbeforeknewyoutofailtounderstand。’’
``Iunderstandperfectly。Youcare,butyoudon’tcareenoughtosuitme。Ihaven’twaitedalltheseyearsbeforegivingawomanmylove,tobecontentwithaloveseatedquietlyanddemurelybetweenprideandself-
respect。’’
``Youwouldn’tmarrymeuntilIhadfailed,’’saidsheshrewdly。``NowyouattackmeforrefusingtomarryyouuntilI’vesucceeded。’’
Aslightshrug。``Proposalwithdrawn,’’saidhe。
``Nowlet’stalkaboutyourcareer,yourplans。’’
``I’mbeginningtounderstandmyselfalittle,’’saidshe。``Isupposeyouthinkthatsortofpersonaltalkisverysillyandvain——andtrivial。’’
``Onthecontrary,’’repliedhe,``itisn’tabsolutelynecessarytounderstandoneself。Oneissweptoninthesamegeneraldirection,anyhow。Butunderstandinghelpsonetogofasterandsteadier。’’
``Itbegan,awayback,whenIwasagirl——thisideaofacareer。Ienviedmenanddespisedwomen,thesortofwomenIknewandmetwith。Ididn’trealizewhy,then。Butitwasbecauseamanhadachancetobesomebodyinhimselfandtodosomething,whileawomanwasjusta——amoreorlessornamentalbelongingofsomeman’s——whatyouwantmetobecomenow。’’
``Asfaraspossiblefrommyidea。’’
``Don’tyouwantmetobelongtoyou?’’
``AsIbelongtoyou。’’
``Thatsoundswell,butitisn’twhatcouldhappen。
Thefactis,Donald,thatIwanttobelongtoyou——
wanttobeownedbyyouandtolosemyselfinyou。
Andit’sthatI’mfighting。’’
Shefeltthelookhewasbendinguponher,andglowedandcoloredunderit,butdidnotdaretoturnhereyestomeetit。Saidhe:``Whyfightit?Whynotbehappy?’’
``Ah,butthat’sjustit,’’criedshe。``Ishouldn’tbehappy。AndIshouldmakeyoumiserable。Theideaofacareer——theideathat’srooteddeepinmeandcan’teverbegotout,Donald。itwouldtormentme。Youcouldn’tkillit,nomatterhowmuchyoulovedme。I’dyieldforthetime。Then,I’dgoback——
or,ifIdidn’t,I’dbewretchedandmakeyouwishyou’dneverseenme。’’
``Iunderstand,’’saidhe。``Idon’tbelieveit,butI
understand。’’
``YouthinkI’mdeceivingmyself,becauseyousawmewastingmylife,playingtheidlerandthefool,pretendingIwasworkingtowardacareerwhenIwasreallymakingmyselffitfornothingbuttobeStanleyBaird’smistress。’’
``Andyou’restilldeceivingyourself。Youwon’tseethetruth。’’
``Nomatter,’’saidshe。``Imustgoonandmakeacareer——somekindofacareer。’’
``Atwhat?’’
``Atgrandopera。’’
``How’llyougetthemoney?’’
``OfStanley,ifnecessary。That’swhyIaskedhisaddress。Ishan’taskformuch。He’llnotrefuse。’’
``Afewminutesagoyouweretalkingofself-
respect。’’
``AssomethingIhopedtoget。Itcomeswithindependence。I’llpayanypricetogetit。’’
``Anyprice?’’saidhe,andneverbeforehadsheseenhisself-controlindanger。
``Ishan’taskStanleyuntilmyotherplanshavefailed。’’
``Whatotherplans?’’
``IamgoingtoaskMrs。Bellocforthemoney。Shecouldaffordtogive——tolend——thelittleI’dwant。
I’mgoingtoaskherinsuchawaythatitwillbeashardaspossibleforhertorefuse。Thatisn’tladylike,but——I’vedroppedoutoftheladyclass。’’
``Andifsherefuses?’’
``ThenI’llgooneafteranothertoseveralveryrichmenIknow,andaskthemasabusinessproposition。’’
``Goinperson,’’advisedhewithanundisguisedsneer。
``I’llraisenofalsehopesinthem,’’shesaid。``Iftheychoosetodeludethemselves,I’llnotgooutofmywaytoundeceivethem——untilIhaveto。’’
``SoTHISisMildredGower?’’
``Youmadethatremarkbefore。’’
``Really?’’
``WhenStanleyshowedyouacertainphotographofme。’’
``Iremember。Thisisthesamewoman。’’
``It’sme,’’laughedshe。``Therealme。You’dnotcaretobemarriedtoher?’’
``No,’’saidhe。Then,afterabriefsilence:``Yet,curiously,itwasthatwomanwithwhomIfellinlove。
No,notexactlyinlove,forI’vebeenthinkingaboutwhatyousaidastothedifferencebetweenloveinposseandloveinesse,toputitscientifically——betweenloveasaprospectandloveasareality。’’
``AndIwasright,’’saidshe。``Itexplainswhymarriagesgotopiecesandaffairscometogrief。Thoseloversmistooklove’spromisetocomeforfulfillment。
Lovedoesn’tdie。Itsimplyfailstocome——doesn’tredeemitspromise。’’
``That’sthewayitmightbewithus,’’saidhe。
``That’sthewayitwouldbewithus,’’rejoinedshe。
Hedidnotanswer。Whentheyspokeagainitwasofindifferentmatters。Anhourandahalfaftertheystarted,theywereatMrs。Belloc’sagain。Sheaskedhimtohaveteaintherestaurantnextdoor。Hedeclined。Hewentupthestepswithher,said:
``Well,Iwishyouluck。MoldiniisthebestteacherinAmerica。’’
``HowdidyouknowMoldiniwastoteachme?’’
exclaimedshe。
Hesmiled,putouthishandinfarewell。``Crossleytoldme。Good-by。’’
``HetoldCrossley!Iwonderwhy。’’Shewassointerestedinthisnewphasethatshedidnotseehisoutstretchedhand,orthelookofbitterironythatcameintohiseyesatthisproofofthesubordinateplaceloveandhehadinherthoughts。
``I’mnervousandanxious,’’shesaidapologetically。
``Moldinitoldmehehadsomeschemeaboutgettingthemoney。Ifheonlycould!Butnosuchluckforme,’’sheaddedsadly。
Keithhesitated,debatedwithhimself,said:``Youneedn’tworry。Moldinigotit——fromCrossley。
Fiftydollarsaweekforayear。’’
``YougotCrossleytodoit?’’
``No。HehaddoneitbeforeIsawhim。HehadjustpromisedMoldiniandwascursinghimselfas`weakandsoft。’Butthatmeansnothing。YoumaybesurehediditbecauseMoldiniconvincedhimitwasagoodspeculation。’’
Shewasradiant。Shehadnotvanityenoughwherehewasconcernedtobelievethathedeeplycared,thatherjoywouldgivehimpainbecauseitmeantforgetfulnessofhim。Norwasshemuchimpressedbytheexpressionofhiseyes。Andevenasshehurthim,shemadehimloveherthemore。forheappreciatedhowrarewasthewomanwho,insuchcircumstances,doesnotfeedhervanitywithpityforthepoormansufferingsohorriblybecauseheisnottogetherpreciousself。
Itflasheduponherwhyhehadnotofferedtohelpher。``Thereisn’tanybodylikeyou,’’saidshe,withnoexplanationofherapparentirrelevancy。
``Don’tletMoldiniseethatyouknow,’’saidhe,withcharacteristicfinethoughtfulnessforothersinthemidstofhisownunhappiness。``Itwoulddeprivehimofagreatpleasure。’’
Hewasabouttogo。Suddenlyhereyesfilledand,openingtheouterdoor,shedrewhimin。``Donald,’’shesaid,``Iloveyou。Takemeinyourarmsandmakemebehave。’’
Helookedpasther。hisarmshungathissides。Saidhe:``Andto-nightI’dgetanotebymessengersayingthatyouhadtakenitallback。No,thegirlinthephotograph——thatwasyou。Shewasn’tmadetobeMY
wife。OrItobeherhusband。Iloveyoubecauseyouarewhatyouare。Ishouldnotloveyouifyouweretheordinarywoman,thesortwhomarriesandmerges。ButI’moldenoughtosparemyself——andyou——theconsequencesofwhatitwouldmeanifwewereanythingbutstrangerstoeachother。’’
``Yes,youmustkeepaway——altogether。Ifyoudidn’t,I’dbeneithertheonethingnortheother,butjustapoorfailure。’’
``You’llnotfail,’’saidhe。``Iknowit。It’swritteninyourface。’’Helookedather。Shewasnotlookingathim,butwitheyesgazingstraightaheadwasrevealingthatlatent,inexplicablepowerwhich,whenitappearedatthesurface,sostronglydominatedandsubordinatedherbeautyandhersex。Heshuthisteethtogetherhardandglancedaway。
``Youwillnotfail,’’herepeatedbitterly。``Andthat’stheworstofit。’’
Withoutanotherword,withoutahandshake,hewent。
Andsheknewthat,exceptbychance,hewouldneverseeheragain——orshehim。
Moldini,disheveledandhystericalwithdelightandsuspense,wasinthedrawing-room——hadbeentherehalfanhour。Atfirstshecouldhardlyforcehermindtolisten。butashetalkedonandon,hecapturedherattentionandheldit。
ThenextdayshebeganwithMoldini,andputtheLuciaRivisystemintoforceinallitsmorethanconventualrigors。Andforaboutamonthsheworkedlikeadevouringflame。Neverhadtherebeensuchenergy,suchenthusiasm。Mrs。Bellocwasalarmedforherhealth,buttheRivisystemtookcareofthat。andpresentlyMrs。Bellocwasmovedtosay,``Well,I’veoftenheardthathardworkneverharmedanyone,butIneverbelievedit。NowIknowthetruth。’’
ThenMildredwenttoHangingRocktospendSaturdaytoMondaywithhermother。Presbury,reducednowbyvariousinfirmities——byabsolutedeafness,bydimnessofsight,bydifficultyinwalking——towhereeatingwashissoleremainingpleasure,or,indeed,distraction,spentallhistimeinconcoctingdishesforhim-
self。Mildredcouldnotresist——andwhocanwhenseatedattablewiththedishbeforeone’seyesandunderone’snose。TheRiviregimenwassuspendedforthevisit。Mildred,backinNewYorkandatworkagain,foundthatshewasapparentlynonetheworseforherholiday,wasinfactbetter。Soshedriftedintothewayofsuspendingtheregimenforaneveningnowandthen——whenshedinedwithMrs。Brindley,orwhenAgnesBellochadsomethingparticularlygood。Allwentwellforatime。Then——acold。Sheneglectedit,feelingsureitcouldnotstaywithonesosoundlyhealthythroughandthrough。Butitdidstay。itgrewworse。Shedecidedthatsheoughttotakemedicineforit。True,starvationwasthecureprescribedbytheregimen,butMildredcouldnotbringherselftotwoorthreedaysofdiscomfort。Also,manypeopletoldherthatsuchacurewasfoolishandevendangerous。
Thecoldgotbetter,gotworse,gotbetter。Butherthroatbecamequeer,andatlasthervoicelefther。
ShewasashamedtogotoMoldiniinsuchacondition。
ShedroppedinuponHicks,thethroatspecialist。He``fixedherup’’beautifullywithafewsprayings。A
week——andhervoiceleftheragain,andHickscouldnotbringitback。Asshelefthisoffice,itwasraining——anicy,drearydrizzle。Shesplashedherwayhome,inaboutthelowestspiritsshehadeverknown。Shelockedherdoorandseatedherselfatthewindowandstaredout,whilethestormragedwithinher。AfteranhourortwoshewroteandsentMoldinianote:
``Ihavebeenmakingafoolofmyself。I’llnotcomeagainuntilIamallright。Bepatientwithme。I
don’tthinkthiswilloccuragain。’’Shefirstwrote``happen。’’Shescratcheditoutandput``occur’’initsplace。NotthatMoldiniwouldhavenotedtheslip。
simplythatshewouldnotpermitherselfthesatisfactionofthefalseandself-excusing``happen。’’Ithadnotbeena``happen。’’Ithadbeenadeliberatefolly,alapsetotheMildredshehadburiedthedayshesentDonaldKeithaway。Whenthenotewasonitsway,shethrewoutallhermedicines,andbrokethenewsprayingapparatusHickshadinstructedhertobuy。
ShewentbacktotheRiviregime。Aweekpassed,andshewaslittlebetter。Twoweeks,andshebegantomend。Butitwassixweeksbeforethelasttracesofherfollydisappeared。Moldinisaidnotaword,gavenosign。Oncemoreherlifewentoninuneventful,unbrokenroutine——diet,exercise,singing——singing,exercise,diet——nodistractionsexceptanoccasionalvisittotheoperawithMoldini,andshewashatingoperanow。Allherenthusiasmwasgone。Shesimplyworkeddoggedly,drudged,slaved。
Whenthedaysbegantogrowwarm,Mrs。Bellocsaid:
``Isupposeyou’llsoonbeofftothecountry?AreyougoingtovisitMrs。Brindley?’’
``No,’’saidMildred。
``Thencomewithme。’’
``Thankyou,butIcan’tdoit。’’
``Butyou’vegottorestsomewhere。’’
``Rest?’’saidMildred。``WhyshouldIrest?’’
Mrs。Bellocstartedtoprotest,thenabruptlychanged。``Cometothinkofit,whyshouldyou?
You’reinperfecthealth,andit’llbetimeenoughtorestwhenyou`getthere。’’’
``I’mtiredthroughandthrough,’’saidMildred,``butitisn’tthekindoftiredthatcouldberestedexceptbythrowingupthisfrightfulnightmareofacareer。’’
``Andyoucan’tdothat。’’
``Iwon’t,’’saidMildred,herlipscompressedandhereyesnarrowed。
SheandMoldini——andfat,funnylittleMrs。Moldini——wenttothemountains。Andsheworkedon。Shewouldlistentononeofthesuggestionsaboutthedangersofkeepingtoosteadilyatit,aboutworkingoneselfintoastateofstaleness,abouttheimperativedemandsoftheartistictemperamentforrest,change,variety。``Itmaybeso,’’shesaidtoMrs。Brindley。
``ButI’vegonemad。Icannomoredropthisroutinethan——thanyoucouldtakeitupandkeeptoitforaweek。’’
``I’lladmitIcouldn’t,’’saidCyrilla。``AndMildred,you’remakingamistake。’’
``ThenI’llhavetosufferforit。Imustdowhatseemsbesttome。’’
``ButI’msureyou’rewrong。Ineverknewanyonetoactasyou’reacting。Everyonerestsandfreshensup。’’
Mildredlostpatience,almostlosthertemper。
``You’retryingtotemptmetoruinmyself,’’shesaid。
``Pleasestopit。YousayyouneverknewanyonetodoasI’mdoing。Verywell。Buthowmanygirlshaveyouknownwhohavesucceeded?’’
Cyrillahesitatinglyconfessedthatshehadknownnone。
``Yetyou’veknownscoreswho’vetried。’’
``Buttheydidn’tfailbecausetheydidn’tworkenough。
Manyofthemworkedtoomuch。’’
Mildredlaughed。``Howdoyouknowwhytheyfailed?’’saidshe。``Youhaven’tthoughtaboutitasIhave。Youhaven’tLIVEDit。Cyrilla,Iservedmyapprenticeshipatlisteningtononsenseaboutcareers。
Iwanttohavenothingtodowithinspiration,andartistictemperament,andspontaneousgenius,andalltherestofthelies。MoldiniandIknowwhatweareabout。SoI’mlivingasthosewhohavesucceededlivedandnotasthosewhohavefailed。’’
Cyrillawassilenced,butnotconvinced。TheamazingimprovementinMildred’shealth,thesplendidslimstrengthandsupplenessofherbody,thenewandstablegloriesofhervoice——allthesesheknewabout,buttheydidnotconvinceher。Shebelievedinwork,inhardwork,buttoherworkmeantthemusicitself。ShefeltthattheRivisystemandthedirty,obscurelittleMoldinibetweenthemweredestroyingMildredbydestroyingall``temperament’’inher。
Itwastheold,oldcriticismoftalentupongenius。
Geniushasalwayswoninitsowntimeandgenerationalltheworldexcepttalent。Totalentcontemporaneousgenius,geniusseenatitspatient,ploddingtoil,seemscoarseandobviousandlackingaltogetherininspiration。Talentcannotcomprehendthatcreationisnecessarilyintravailandinallmannerofunloveliness。
Mildredtoiledonlikeaslaveunderthelash,andMoldiniandtheRivisystemwerehertwinrelentlessdrivers。Shelearnedtoruleherselfwithanironhand。
Shediscoveredthefullmeasureofherowndeficiencies,andshedeterminedtomakeherselfacompetentlyricsoprano,perhapssomethingofadramaticsoprano。
Shedismissedfromhermindallthe``high’’thoughts,allthedreamswherewiththelittlepeople,eventhelittlepeoplewhoachieveacertainsuccess,beguilethetediumoftheirjourneyalongthehardroad。Shewasnotworkingto``interpretthethoughtofthegreatmaster’’orto``advancethesingingartyethigher’’oreventowinfameandapplause。Shehadoneobject——toearnherlivingonthegrandoperastage,andtoearnitasaprimadonnabecausethatmeantthebestliving。ShefranklytoldCyrillathatthiswasherobject,whenCyrillaforcedheronedaytotalkaboutheraims。Cyrillalookedpained,brokeamelancholysilencetosay:
``Iknowyoudon’tmeanthat。Youaretoointelligent。Yousingtoowell。’’
``Yes,Imeanjustthat,’’saidMildred。``Aliving。’’
``Atanyrate,don’tsayit。Yougivesuchafalseimpression。’’
``Towhom?NottoCrossley,andnottoMoldini,andwhyshouldIcarewhatanyothersthink?Theyarenotpayingmyexpenses。Andregardlessofwhattheythinknow,they’llbeatmyfeetifIsucceed,andthey’llputmeundertheirsifIdon’t。’’
``Howhardyouhavegrown,’’criedCyrilla。
``Howsensible,youmean。I’vemerelystoppedbeingaself-deceiverandasentimentalist。’’
``Believeme,mydear,youaresacrificingyourcharactertoyourambition。’’
``Ineverhadanyrealcharacteruntilambitioncame,’’
repliedMildred。``Thesoft,vacillating,sweetandweakthingIusedtohavewasn’tcharacter。’’
``But,dear,youcan’tthinkitsuperiorcharactertocenterone’swholelifeaboutasordidambition。’’
``Sordid?’’
``Merelytomakealiving。’’
Mildredlaughedmerrilyandmockingly。``Youcallthatsordid?Thenforheaven’ssakewhatishigh?
Youhadleftyoumoneyenoughtoliveon,ifyouhaveto。Nooneleftmeanincome。So,I’mfightingforindependence——andthatmeansforself-respect。Isself-respectsordid,Cyrilla!’’
AndthenCyrillaunderstood——inpart,notaltogether。
Shelivedintheordinaryenvironmentofflap-
doodleandsweethypocrisyandsentimentality。andnonesuchcanmorethanvaguelyglimpsetherealities。
TowardtheendofthesummerMoldinisaid:
``It’sover。Youhavewon。’’
Mildredlookedathiminpuzzledsurprise。
``Youhavelearneditall。Youwillsucceed。Therestisdetail。’’
``ButI’velearnednothingasyet,’’protestedshe。
``Youhavelearnedtoteachyourself,’’repliedtheItalian。``Youatlastcanhearyourselfsing,andyouknowwhenyousingrightandwhenyousingwrong,andyouknowhowtosingright。Therestiseasy。
Ah,mydearMissGower,youwillworkNOW!’’
Mildreddidnotunderstand。Shewasevendauntedbythat``YouwillworkNOW!’’Shehadbeenthinkingthattoworkharderwasimpossible。Whatdidheexpectofher?Somethingshefearedshecouldnotrealize。
Butsoonsheunderstood——whenhegavehersongs,thenbegantoteachherarole,thepartofMadameButterflyherself。``Icanhelpyouonlyalittlethere,’’
hesaid。``YouwillhavetogotomyfriendFerreriforroles。Butwecanmakeabeginning。’’
Shehadindeedwon。Shehadpassedfromthestagewhereacareerisalldrudgery——thestagethroughwhichonlythestrongcanpasswithoutgivingupandacceptingfailureorsmallsuccess。Shehadpassedtothestagewherethereisaddedpleasuretothedrudgery,for,thedrudgeryneverceases。Andwhatwasthepleasure?Why,morework——alwayswork——bringingintousenotmerelytheroutinepartsofthemind,butalsotheimaginativeandcreativefaculties。Shehadlearnedhertrade——notwellenough,fornosuperiormanorwomaneverfeelsthatheorsheknowsthetradewellenough——butwellenoughtobegintouseit。
SaidMoldini:``Whenthegreatone,whohasachievedandarrived,isaskedforadvicebythesweet,enthusiasticyoungbeginner,whatistheanswer?
Alwaysthesame:`Mydearchild,don’t!Gobackhome,andmarryandhavebabies。’Youknowwhynow?’’
AndMildred,lookingbackoverthedrearydrudgerythathadbeen,andlookingforwardtothedrudgeryyettocome,drearyenoughforalltheprospectsofafewflowersandalittlesun——Mildredsaid:``IndeedIdo,maestro。’’
``TheythinkitmeanswhatyouAmericanscallmorals——asifthatwereallofmorality!Butitdoesn’tmeanmorals。notatall。Sexandthegameofsexisallthroughlifeeverywhere——inthehomenolessthaninthetheater。Intownandcountry,indoorsandout,sunlight,moonlight,andrain——alwaysitgoeson。
Andthetemptationsandthestrugglesarenomoreandnolessonthestagethanoff。No,thereistoomuchtalkabout`morals。’Thereasonthegreatonesays`don’t’isthework。’’Heshookhisheadsadly。
``Theydonotrealize,thoseeageryoungbeginners。
Theyreadthestory-booksandthelivesofthegreatsuccessesandtheyhearthefoolishchatterofcommon-
placepeople——thoseimbecile`cultured’peoplewhoknownothing!Andtheythinkacareerisatriumphalmarch。Whatthinkyou,MissGower——eh?’’
``IfIhadknownI’dnothavehadthecourage,orthevanity,tobegin,’’saidshe。``AndifIcouldrealizewhat’sbeforeme,Iprobablyshouldn’thavethecouragetogoon。’’
``Butwhynot?Haven’tyoualsolearnedthatit’sjusttheday’swork,doingeverydaythebestyoucan?’’
``Oh,Ishallgoon,’’rejoinedshe。
``Yes,’’saidhe,lookingatherwithawedadmiration。
``Itisinyourface。Isawitthere,thedayyoucame——afteryousangthe`BattiBatti’thefirsttimeandfailed。’’
``Therewasnothingtomethen。’’
``Theseed,’’repliedhe。``AndIsawitwasanacorn,nottheseedofoneofthoseweakplantsthatspringupovernightandwitheratnoon。Yes,youwillwin。’’
Helaughedgayly,rolledhiseyesandkissedhisfingers。
``Andthenyoucanaffordtotakealittleholiday,andfallinlove。Love!Ah,itisajoyouspastime——
foraholiday。Onlyforaholiday,mindyou。IshallbethereandIshallseizeyouandtakeyoubacktoyourart。’’
InthefollowingwinterandsummerCrossleydisclosedwhyhehadbeensufficientlyinterestedingrandoperatobegintobackundevelopedvoices。Crossleywasoneofthosemenwhoareneversopracticalaswhentheyprofesstobe,andfancythemselves,impractical。
Hebecameagrand-operamanagerandorganizedforaseasonthatwouldsurpassininterestanyNewYorkhadknown。ThusitcameaboutthatonaMarchnightMildredmadeherdebut。
Theoperawas``Faust。’’Asthethreeprincipalmensingerswereallexpensive——thetenoralone,twelvehundredanight——CrossleyputinacomparativelymodestlysalariedMarguerite。Shewasseizedwithacoldatthelastmoment,andCrossleyventuredtosubstituteMildredGower。TheRivisystemwasstillinforce。Shewasready——indeed,shewasalwaysready,asRiviherselfhadbeen。Andwithintenminutesofhercomingforthfromthewings,MildredGowerhadleapedfromobscurityintofame。Ithappensso,ofteninthestorybooks,thenewlygloriouslyarrivedonehavingbeenwhollyunprepared,achievingbysheerforceofgenius。Itoccursso,occasionally,inlife——neverwhenthereislackofpreparation,neverbyforceofunassistedgenius,neverbyaccident。Mildredsucceededbecauseshehadgotreadytosucceed。Howcouldshehavefailed?
Perhapsyoureadthestoriesinthenewspapers——
howshehaddiscoveredherselfpossessedofamarvelousvoice,howshehaddecidedtouseitinpublic,howshehadcoachedforapart,hadappeared,hadbecomeoneoftheworld’sfewhundredgreatsingersallinasingleactofanopera。Youreadnothingaboutwhatshewentthroughindevelopingahopelesslyuncertainandfarfromstrongvoiceintoonewhich,whilenotnearlysogoodasthousandsofvoicesthataretriedandcastaside,yetsufficed,withherwillandherconcentrationbackofit,tocarryhertofame——andwealth。
Thatbirdlikevoice!Sosweetandspontaneous,sotrue,solikethebirdthat``singsofsummerinfullthroatedease!’’Nowondertheaudiencewelcomeditwithcheersoncheers。Greatervoicestheyhadheard,butnonemorenatural——andthatwasMoldini。
Hecametoherdressing-roomattheintermission。
Hestretchedouthisarms,butemotionovercamehim,andhedroppedtoachairandsobbedandcriedandlaughed。Shecameandputherarmsroundhimandkissedhim。Shewasalmostcalm。TheGREATfearhadseizedher——CanIkeepwhatIhavewon?
``Iamafool,’’criedMoldini。``Iwillagitateyou。’’
``Don’tbeafraidofthat,’’saidshe。``Iamnerv-
ous,yes,horriblynervous。ButyouhavetaughtmesothatIcouldsing,nomatterwhatwashappening。’’
Itwastrue。Andherbodywaslikeirontothetouch。
Helookedather,andthoughheknewherandhadseenhertrainherselfandhadhelpedinit,hemarveled。
``Youarehappy?’’hesaideagerly。``Surely——yes,youMUSTbehappy。’’
``Morethanthat,’’answeredshe。``You’llhavetofindanotherwordthanhappiness——somethingbiggerandstrongeranddeeper。’’
``Nowyoucanhaveyourholiday,’’laughedhe。
``But’’——withmocksternness——``inmoderation!Hemustbeanincidentonly。Withthosewhowinthehighplaces,sexisanincident——acharming,necessaryincident,butonlyanincident。Hemustnotspoilyourcareer。Ifyouallowedthatyouwouldbelikeamotherwhodesertsherchildrenforalover。Hemustnottouchyourcareer!’’
Mildred,givingthelasttouchestohercostumebeforetheglass,glancedmerrilyatMoldinibywayofit。
``Ifhedidtouchit,’’saidshe,``howlongdoyouthinkhewouldlastwithme?’’
Moldinipausedhalf-wayinhisnodofapproval,wasstrickenwithsilenceandsadness。Itwouldhavebeennaturalandproperforamanthustoputsexbeneaththecareer。Itwasnecessaryforanyonewhodevelopedthestrongcharacterthatcompelssuccessandholdsit。But——TheItaliancouldnotgetawayfromtradition。womanwasmadeforthepleasureofoneman,notforherselfandtheworld。
``Youdon’tlikethat,maestro?’’saidshe,stillobservinghimintheglass。
``Nomanwould,’’saidhe,withreturningcheerfulness。``Ithurtsman’svanity。Andnowomanwould,either。yourebuketheirlazinessandtheirdependence!’’
Shelaughedandrushedawaytofreshtriumphs。
End
第10章