Holdingitnearerandnearertothefiredrieditquickly，tobesure。
　　butitshrunkitalso，sothatitwasnoeasymattertogetthecoatonagain。However，Hal，whodidnotseetheredsplashes，which，inspiteofalltheseoperations，weretoovisibleuponhisshoulders，andupontheskirtsofhiswhitecoatbehind，wasprettywellsatisfiedtoobservethattherewasnotonespotuponthefacings。Nobody，saidhe，willtakenoticeofmycoatbehind，Idaresay。Ithinkitlooksassmartalmostasever！——andunderthispersuasionouryoungarcherresumedhisbow——hisbowwithgreenribands，nownomore！——andhepursuedhiswaytotheDowns。
　　Allhiscompanionswerefaroutofsight。Isuppose，saidhetohisfriendwiththeblackpatch——IsupposemyuncleandBenhadlefthomebeforeyouwentfortheshoesandstockingsforme？
　　Oh，yes，sir。thebutlersaidtheyhadbeengonetotheDownsamatterofagoodhalf-hourormore。
　　Haltrudgedonasfastashepossiblycould。WhenhegotupontheDowns，hesawnumbersofcarriages，andcrowdsofpeople，allgoingtowardstheplaceofmeetingattheOstrich。Hepressedforwards。Hewasatfirstsomuchafraidofbeinglate，thathedidnottakenoticeofthemirthhismotleyappearanceexcitedinallbeholders。Atlengthhereachedtheappointedspot。Therewasagreatcrowdofpeople。InthemidstheheardLadyDiana’sloudvoicebettinguponsomeonewhowasjustgoingtoshootatthemark。
　　Sothentheshootingisbegun，isit？saidHal。Oh，letmein！prayletmeintothecircle！I’moneofthearchers——Iam，indeed。don’tyouseemygreenandwhiteuniform？
　　Yourredandwhiteuniform，youmean，saidthemantowhomheaddressedhimself。andthepeople，astheyopenedapassageforhim，couldnotrefrainlaughingatthemixtureofdirtandfinerywhichitexhibited。
　　Invain，whenhegotintothemidstoftheformidablecircle，helookedtohisfriends，theyoungSweepstakes，fortheircountenanceandsupport。
　　Theywereamongstthemostunmercifulofthelaughers。LadyDianaalsoseemedmoretoenjoythantopityhisconfusion。
　　Whycouldyounotkeepyourhatuponyourhead，man？saidshe，inhermasculinetone。Youhavebeenalmosttheruinofmypooruniformhabit。
　　butI’veescapedratherbetterthanyouhave。Don’tstandthere，inthemiddleofthecircle，oryou’llhaveanarrowinyoureyesjustnow，I’veanotion。
　　Hallookedroundinsearchofbetterfriends。Oh，where’smyuncle？——
　　where’sBen？saidhe。Hewasinsuchconfusion，that，amongstthenumberoffaces，hecouldscarcelydistinguishonefromanother。buthefeltsomebodyatthismomentpullhiselbow，and，tohisgreatrelief，heheardthefriendlyvoice，andsawthegoodnaturedfaceofhisCousinBen。
　　Comeback。comebehindthesepeople，saidBen，andputonmygreat-
　　coat。hereitisforyou。
　　RightgladwasHaltocoverhisdisgraceduniformwiththeroughgreat-
　　coatwhichhehadformerlydespised。Hepulledthestained，droopingcockadeoutofhisunfortunatehat。andhewasnowsufficientlyrecoveredfromhisvexationtogiveanintelligibleaccountofhisaccidenttohisuncleandPatty，whoanxiouslyinquiredwhathaddetainedhimsolong，andwhathadbeenthematter。Inthemidstofthehistoryofhisdisaster，hewasjustprovingtoPattythathistakingthehatbandtospinhistophadnothingtodowithhismisfortune，andhewasatthesametimeendeavouringtorefutehisuncle’sopinionthatthewasteofthewhipcordthattiedtheparcelwastheoriginalcauseofallhisevils，whenhewassummonedtotryhisskillwithhisFAMOUSbow。
　　Myhandsarebenumbed。Icanscarcelyfeel，saidhe，rubbingthem，andblowingupontheendsofhisfingers。
　　Come，come，criedyoungSweepstakes，I’mwithinoneinchofthemark。
　　who’llgonearer？Ishallliketosee。Shootaway，Hal。butfirstunderstandourlaws。wesettledthembeforeyoucameuponthegreen。Youaretohavethreeshots，withyourownbowandyourownarrows。andnobody’stoborroworlendunderpretenceofother’sbowsbeingbetterorworse，orunderanypretence。Doyouhear，Hal？
　　Thisyounggentlemanhadgoodreasonsforbeingsostrictintheselaws，ashehadobservedthatnoneofhiscompanionshadsuchanexcellentbowashehadprovidedforhimself。Someoftheboyshadforgottentobringmorethanonearrowwiththem，andbyhiscunningregulationthateachpersonshouldshootwiththeirownarrows，manyhadlostoneortwooftheirshots。
　　Youarealuckyfellow。youhaveyourthreearrows，saidyoungSweepstakes。Come，wecan’twaitwhilstyourubyourfingers，man——
　　shootaway。
　　Halwasrathersurprisedattheasperitywithwhichhisfriendspoke。Helittleknewhoweasilyacquaintancewhocallthemselvesfriendscanchangewhentheirinterestcomesintheslightestdegreeincompetitionwiththeirfriendship。Hurriedbyhisimpatientrival，andwithhishandssomuchbenumbedthathecouldscarcelyfeelhowtofixthearrowinthestring，hedrewthebow。ThearrowwaswithinaquarterofaninchofMasterSweepstakes’mark，whichwasthenearestthathadyetbeenhit。Halseizedhissecondarrow。IfIhaveanyluck——saidhe。ButjustashepronouncedthewordLUCK，andashebenthisbow，thestringbrokeintwo，andthebowfellfromhishands。
　　There，it’salloverwithyou！criedMasterSweepstakes，withatriumphantlaugh。
　　Here’smybowforhim，andwelcome，saidBen。
　　No，no，sir，saidMasterSweepstakes，thatisnotfair。that’sagainsttheregulation。Youmayshootwithyourownbow，ifyouchooseit，oryoumaynot，justasyouthinkproper。butyoumustnotlendit，sir。
　　ItwasnowBen’sturntomakehistrial。Hisfirstarrowwasnotsuccessful。HissecondwasexactlyasnearasHal’sfirst。Youhavebutonemore，saidMasterSweepstakes——nowforit！Ben，beforeheventuredhislastarrow，prudentlyexaminedthestringofhisbow。and，ashepulledittotryitsstrength，itcracked。MasterSweepstakesclappedhishandswithloudexultationsandinsultinglaughter。Buthislaughterceasedwhenourprovidentherocalmlydrewfromhispocketanexcellentpieceofwhipcord。
　　Theeverlastingwhipcord，Ideclare！exclaimedHal，whenhesawthatitwastheverysamethathadtieduptheparcel。Yes，saidBen，ashefastenedittohisbow，Iputitintomypocket，to-day，onpurpose，becauseIthoughtImighthappentowantit。Hedrewhisbowthethirdandlasttime。
　　Oh，papa！criedlittlePatty，ashisarrowhitthemark，it’sthenearest。isitnotthenearest？
　　MasterSweepstakes，withanxiety，examinedthehit。Therecouldbenodoubt。Benwasvictorious！Thebow，theprizebow，wasnowdeliveredtohim。andHal，ashelookedatthewhip-cordexclaimed，HowLUCKYthiswhip-cordhasbeentoyou，Ben！
　　ItisLUCKY，perhapsyoumean，thathetookcareofit，saidMr。
　　Gresham。
　　Ay，saidHal，verytrue。hemightwellsay，’Wastenot，wantnot。’Itisagoodthingtohavetwostringstoone’sbow。
　　OLDPOZ。
　　LUCY，daughtertotheJustice。
　　MRS。BUSTLE，landladyoftheSaracen’sHead。
　　JUSTICEHEADSTRONG。
　　OLDMAN。
　　WILLIAM，aServant。
　　SCENEI。
　　TheHouseofJusticeHeadstrong——ahall——Lucywateringsomemyrtles——A
　　servantbehindthescenesisheardtosay——
　　Itellyoumymasterisnotup。Youcan’tseehim，sogoaboutyourbusiness，Isay。
　　Lucy。Towhomareyouspeaking，William？Who’sthat？
　　Will。Onlyanoldman，miss，withacomplaintformymaster。
　　Lucy。Oh，then，don’tsendhimaway——don’tsendhimaway。
　　Will。Butmasterhasnothadhischocolate，ma’am。Hewon’teverseeanybodybeforehedrinkshischocolate，youknow，ma’am。
　　Lucy。Butlettheoldman，then，comeinhere。Perhapshecanwaitalittlewhile。Callhim。ExitServant。
　　Lucysings，andgoesonwateringhermyrtles。theservantshowsintheOldMan。
　　Will。Youcan’tseemymasterthishour。butmisswillletyoustayhere。
　　Lucyaside。Pooroldman！howhetremblesashewalks。Aloud。Sitdown，sitdown。Myfatherwillseeyousoon。praysitdown。
　　Hehesitates。shepushesachairtowardshim。
　　Lucy。Praysitdown。Hesitsdown。
　　OldMan。Youareverygood，miss。verygood。Lucygoestohermyrtlesagain。
　　Lucy。Ah！I’mafraidthispoormyrtleisquitedead——quitedead。
　　TheOldMansighs，andsheturnsround。
　　Lucyaside。Iwonderwhatcanmakehimsighso！Aloud。Myfatherwon’tmakeyouwaitlong。
　　OldM。Oh，ma’am，aslongashepleases。I’minnohaste——nohaste。
　　It’sonlyasmallmatter。
　　Lucy。Butdoesasmallmattermakeyousighso？
　　OldM。Ah，miss。because，thoughitisasmallmatterinitself，itisnotasmallmattertomesighingagain。itwasmyall，andI’velostit。
　　Lucy。Whatdoyoumean？Whathaveyoulost？
　　OldM。Why，miss——butIwon’ttroubleyouaboutit。
　　Lucy。Butitwon’ttroublemeatall——Imean，Iwishtohearit。sotellitme。
　　OldM。Why，miss，Isleptlastnightattheinnhere，intown——theSaracen’sHead——
　　Lucyinterruptshim。Hark！thereismyfathercomingdownstairs。
　　followme。Youmaytellmeyourstoryaswegoalong。
　　OldM。IsleptattheSaracen’sHead，miss，and——
　　Exit，talking。
　　SCENEII。
　　JusticeHeadstrong’sStudy。
　　Heappearsinhisnightgownandcap，withhisgoutyfootuponastool——atableandchocolatebesidehim——Lucyisleaningonthearmofhischair。
　　Just。Well，well，mydarling，presently。I’llseehimpresently。
　　Lucy。Whilstyouaredrinkingyourchocolate，papa？
　　Just。No，no，no——IneverseeanybodytillIhavedonemychocolate，darling。Hetasteshischocolate。There’snosugarinthis，child。
　　Lucy。Yes，indeed，papa。
　　Just。No，child——there’sNOsugar，Itellyou。thatpoz！
　　Lucy。Oh，but，papa，IassureyouIputintwolumpsmyself。
　　Just。There’sNOsugar，Isay。whywillyoucontradictme，child，forever？There’snosugar，Isay。
　　Lucyleansoverhimplayfully，andwithhisteaspoonpullsouttwolumpsofsugar。
　　Lucy。What’sthis，papa？
　　Just。Pshaw！pshaw！pshaw！——itisnotmelted，child——itisthesameasnosugar！——Oh，myfoot，girl，myfoot！——youkillme。Go，go，I’mbusy。
　　I’vebusinesstodo。GoandsendWilliamtome。doyouhear，love？
　　Lucy。Andtheoldman，papa？
　　Just。Whatoldman？Itellyouwhat，I’vebeenplaguedeversinceIwasawake，andbeforeIwasawake，aboutthatoldman。Ifhecan’twait，lethimgoabouthisbusiness。Don’tyouknow，child，IneverseeanybodytillI’vedrunkmychocolate。andIneverwill，ifitwereaduke——that’spoz！Why，ithasbutjuststrucktwelve。ifhecan’twait，hecangoabouthisbusiness，can’the？
　　Lucy。Oh，sir，hecanwait。Itwasnothewhowasimpatient。Shecomesbackplayfully。ItwasonlyI，papa。don’tbeangry。
　　Just。Well，well，wellfinishinghiscupofchocolate，andpushinghisdishaway。andatanyratetherewasnotsugarenough。SendWilliam，sendWilliam，child。andI’llfinishmyownbusiness，andthen——
　　ExitLucy，dancing，Andthen！——andthen！
　　JUSTICE，alone。
　　Just。Oh，thisfootofmine！——twinges——Oh，thisfoot！Ay，ifDr。
　　Spareribcouldcureoneofthegout，then，indeed，Ishouldthinksomethingofhim。but，astomyleavingoffmybottleofport，it’snonsense。it’sallnonsense。Ican’tdoit。Ican’t，andwon’t，foralltheDr。SpareribsinChristendom。that’spoz！
　　EnterWILLIAM。
　　Just。William——oh！ay！hey！whatanswer，pray，didyoubringfromtheSaracen’sHead？DidyouseeMrs。Bustleherself，asIbidyou？
　　Will。Yes，sir，Isawthelandladyherself。shesaidshewouldcomeupimmediately，sir。
　　Just。Ah，that’swell——immediately？
　　Will。Yes，sir，andIhearhervoicebelownow。
　　Just。Oh，showherup。showMrs。Bustlein。
　　EnterMrs。BUSTLE，thelandladyoftheSaracen’sHead。
　　Land。Goodmorrowtoyourworship！I’mgladtoseeyourworshiplooksopurely。Icameupwithallspeedtakingbreath。Ourpieisintheoven。thatwaswhatyousentformeabout，Itakeit。
　　Just。True。true。sitdown，goodMrs。Bustle，pray——
　　Land。Oh，yourworship’salwaysverygoodsettlingherapron。IcameupjustasIwas——onlythrewmyshawloverme。Ithoughtyourworshipwouldexcuse——I’mquite，asitwere，rejoicedtoseeyourworshiplooksopurely，andtofindyouupsohearty——
　　Just。Oh，I’mveryheartycoughing，alwayshearty，andthankfulforit。IhopetoseemanyChristmasdoingsyet，Mrs。Bustle。Andsoourpieisintheoven，Ithinkyousay？
　　Land。Intheovenitis。Iputitinwithmyownhands。andifwehavebutgoodluckinthebaking，itwillbeasprettyagoose-pie——thoughI
　　sayitthatshouldnotsayit——asprettyagoose-pieaseveryourworshipsetyoureyesupon。
　　Just。Willyoutakeaglassofanythingthismorning，Mrs。Bustle？——I
　　havesomeniceusquebaugh。
　　Land。Oh，no，yourworship！——Ithankyourworship，though，asmuchasifItookit。butIjusttookmyluncheonbeforeIcameup。ormoreproper，MYSANDWICH，Ishouldsay，forthefashion’ssake，tobesure。A
　　LUNCHEONwon’tgodownwithnobodynowadayslaughs。Iexpecthostlerandbootswillbecallingfortheirsandwichesjustnowlaughsagain。
　　I’msureIbegyourworship’spardonformentioningaLUNCHEON。
　　Just。Oh，Mrs。Bustle，theword’sagoodword，foritmeansagoodthing——ha！ha！ha！pullsouthiswatch。butpray，isitluncheontime。
　　Why，it’spastone，Ideclare。andIthoughtIwasupinremarkablygoodtime，too。
　　Land。Well，andtobesuresoitwas，remarkablygoodtimeforyourworship。butfolksinourwaymustbeupbetimes，youknow。I’vebeenupandaboutthesesevenhours！
　　Just。stretching。Sevenhours！
　　Land。Ay，indeed——eight，Imightsay，forIamanearlylittlebody。
　　thoughIsayitthatshouldnotsayit——IAManearlylittlebody。
　　Just。Anearlylittlebody，asyousay，Mrs。Bustle。soIshallhavemygoose-piefordinner，hey？
　　Land。Fordinner，assureastheclockstrikesfour——butImustn’tstayprating，foritmaybespoilingifI’maway。soImustwishyourworshipagoodmorning。Shecurtsies。
　　Just。Noceremony——noceremony。goodMrs。Bustle，yourservant。
　　EnterWilliam，totakeawaythechocolate。TheLandladyisputtingonhershawl。
　　Just。Youmayletthatmanknow，William，thatIhavedispatchedmyOWN
　　business，andamatleisureforhisnowtakingapinchofsnuff。Hum！
　　pray，WilliamJusticeleansbackgravely，whatsortofalookingfellowishe，pray？
　　Will。Mostlikeasortoftravellingman，inmyopinion，sir——orsomethingthatway，Itakeit，Atthesewordsthelandladyturnsroundinquisitively，anddelays，thatshemaylisten，whilesheisputtingonandpinninghershawl。
　　Just。Hum！asortofatravellingman。Hum！laymybooksoutopenatthetitleVagrant。and，William，tellthecookthatMrs。Bustlepromisesmethegoose-piefordinner。Fouro’clock，doyouhear？Andshowtheoldmaninnow。
　　TheLandladylookseagerlytowardsthedoor，asitopens，andexclaims，
　　Land。Myoldgentleman，asIhopetobreathe！
　　EntertheOLDMAN。
　　LucyfollowstheOldManontiptoe——TheJusticeleansbackandlooksconsequential——TheLandladysetsherarmsakimbo——TheOldManstartsasheseesher。
　　Just。Whatstopsyou，friend？Comeforward，ifyouplease。
　　Land。advancing。So，sir，isityou，sir？Ay，youlittlethought，I
　　warrantye，tomeetmeherewithhisworship。butthereyoureckonedwithoutyourhost——Outofthefrying-panintothefire。
　　Just。Whatisallthis？Whatisthis？
　　Land。runningon。Noneofyourflummerystuffwillgodownwithhisworshipnomorethanwithme，Igiveyouwarning。soyoumaygofurtherandfareworse，andspareyourbreathtocoolyourporridge。
　　Just。waveshishandwithdignity。Mrs。Bustle，goodMrs。Bustle，rememberwhereyouare。Silence！silence！Comeforward，sir，andletmehearwhatyouhavetosay。
　　TheOldMancomesforward。
　　Just。Whoandwhatmayyoube，friend，andwhatisyourbusinesswithme？
　　Land。Sir，ifyourworshipwillgivemeleave——
　　Justicemakesasigntohertobesilent。
　　OldM。Please，yourworship，Iamanoldsoldier。
　　Land。interrupting。Anoldhypocrite，say。
　　Just。Mrs。Bustle，pray，Idesire，letthemanspeak。
　　OldM。Forthesetwoyearspast——eversince，pleaseyourworship——I
　　wasn’tabletoworkanylonger。forinmyyouthIdidworkaswellasthebestofthem。
　　Land。eagertointerrupt。Youwork——you——
　　Just。Lethimfinishhisstory，Isay。
　　Lucy。Ay，do，do，papa，speakforhim。Pray，Mrs。Bustle——
　　Land。turningsuddenlyroundtoLucy。Miss，agoodmorrowtoyou，ma’am。Ihumblybegyourapologiesfornotseeingyousooner，MissLucy。
　　JusticenodstotheOldMan，whogoeson。
　　OldMan。Butpleaseyourworship，itpleasedGodtotakeawaytheuseofmyleftarm。andsincethatIhaveneverbeenabletowork。
　　Land。Flummery！flummery！
　　Just。angrily。Mrs。Bustle，Ihavedesiredsilence，andIwillhaveit，that’spoz！Youshallhaveyourturnpresently。
　　OldM。ForthesetwoyearspastforwhyshouldIbeashamedtotellthetruth？Ihaveliveduponcharity，andIscrapedtogetheraguineaandahalfandupwards，andIwastravellingwithittomygrandson，inthenorth，withhimtoendmydays——butsighing——
　　Just。Butwhat？Proceed，pray，tothepoint。
　　OldM。ButlastnightIslepthereintown，pleaseyourworship，attheSaracen’sHead。
　　Land。inarage。AttheSaracen’sHead！Yes，forsooth！nonesucheversleptattheSaracen’sHeadafore，orshallafterwards，aslongasmyname’sBustle，andtheSaracen’sHeadistheSaracen’sHead。
　　Just。Again！again！Mrs。Landlady，thisisdownright——Ihavesaidyoushouldspeakpresently。HeSHALLspeakfirst，sinceI’vesaidit——that’spoz！Speakon，friend。YousleptlastnightattheSaracen’sHead。
　　OldM。Yes，pleaseyourworship，andIaccusenobody。butatnightIhadmylittlemoneysafe，andinthemorningitwasgone。
　　Land。Gone！——gone，indeed，inmyhouse！andthisisthewayI’mtobetreated！Isitso？Icouldn’tbutspeak，yourworship，tosuchaninhumanlike，outo’theway，scandalouscharge，ifKingGeorgeandalltheRoyalFamilyweresittinginyourworship’schair，besideyou，tosilencemeturningtotheOldMan。Andthisisyourgratitude，forsooth！Didn’tyoutellmethatanyholeinmyhousewasgoodenoughforyou，wheedlinghypocrite？AndthethanksIreceiveistocallmeandmineapackofthieves。
　　OldM。Oh，no，no，no，NO——apackofthieves，bynomeans。
　　Land。Ay，Ithoughtwhen_I_cametospeakweshouldhaveyouuponyourmarrow-bonesin——
　　Just。imperiously。Silence！FivetimeshaveIcommandedsilence，andfivetimesinvain。andIwon’tcommandanythingfivetimesinvain——
　　THAT’SPOZ！
　　Land。inapet，aside。OldPoz！aloud。Then，yourworship，Idon’tseeanybusinessIhavetobewaitinghere。thefolkswantmeathomereturningandwhispering。ShallIsendthegoose-pieup，yourworship，ifit’sready？
　　Just。withmagnanimity。Icarenotforthegoose-pie，Mrs。Bustle。
　　Donottalktomeofgoose-pies。thisisnoplacetotalkofpies。
　　Land。Oh，forthatmatter，yourworshipknowsbest，tobesure。
　　ExitLandlady，angry。
　　SCENEIII。
　　JUSTICEHEADSTRONG，OLDMANandLUCY。
　　Lucy。Ah，now，I’mgladhecanspeak。nowtellpapa。andyouneednotbeafraidtospeaktohim，forheisverygood-natured。Don’tcontradicthim，though，becausehetoldMEnot。
　　Just。Oh，darling，YOUshallcontradictmeasoftenasyouplease——onlynotbeforeI’vedrunkmychocolate，child——hey！Goon，mygoodfriend。
　　youseewhatitistoliveinOldEngland，where，thankHeaven，thepoorestofHisMajesty’ssubjectsmayhavejustice，andspeakhismindbeforethefirstintheland。Nowspeakon。andyouhearshetellsyouthatyouneednotbeafraidofme。Speakon。
　　OldM。Ithankyourworship，I’msure。
　　Just。Thankme！forwhat，sir？Iwon’tbethankedfordoingjustice，sir。so——butexplainthismatter。Youlostyourmoney，hey，attheSaracen’sHead？Youhaditsafelastnight，hey？——andyoumisseditthismorning？Areyousureyouhaditsafeatnight？
　　OldM。Oh，pleaseyourworship，quitesure。forItookitoutandlookedatitjustbeforeIsaidmyprayers。
　　Just。Youdid——didyeso？——hum！Pray，mygoodfriend，wheremightyouputyourmoneywhenyouwenttobed？
　　OldM。Please，yourworship，whereIalwaysputit——always——inmytobacco-box。
　　Just。Yourtobacco-box！Ineverheardofsuchathing——tomakeaSTRONG
　　BOXofatobacco-box。Ha！ha！ha！hum！——andyousaytheboxandallweregoneinthemorning？
　　OldM。No，pleaseyourworship，no。notthebox——theboxwasneverstirredfromtheplacewhereIputit。Theyleftmethebox。
　　Just。Tut，tut，tut，man！——tookthemoneyandleftthebox？I’llneverbelieveTHAT！I’llneverbelievethatanyonecouldbesuchafool。Tut，tut！thething’simpossible！It’swellyouarenotuponoath。
　　OldM。IfIwere，pleaseyourworship，Ishouldsaythesame。foritisthetruth。
　　Just。Don’ttellme，don’ttellme。Isaythethingisimpossible。
　　OldM。Please，yourworship，here’sthebox。
　　Just。goesonwithoutlookingatit。Nonsense！nonsense！it’snosuchthing。it’snosuchthing，Isay——nomanwouldtakethemoneyandleavethetobacco-box。Iwon’tbelieveit。Nothingshallmakemebelieveitever——that’spoz。
　　Lucytakesthebox，andholdsitupbeforeherfather’seyes。Youdidnotseethebox，didyou，papa！
　　Just。Yes，yes，yes，child——nonsense！it’sallaliefrombeginningtoend。Amanwhotellsoneliewilltellahundred。Allalie！allalie！
　　OldM。Ifyourworshipwouldgivemeleave——
　　Just。Sir，itdoesnotsignify——itdoesnotsignify！I’vesaidit，I’vesaidit，andthat’senoughtoconvinceme，andI’lltellyoumore。ifmyLordChiefJusticeofEnglandtoldittome，Iwouldnotbelieveit——
　　that’spoz！
　　Lucystillplayingwiththebox。Buthowcomestheboxhere，Iwonder？
　　Just。Pshaw！pshaw！pshaw！darling。Gotoyourdolls，darling，anddon’tbepositive——gotoyourdolls，anddon’ttalkofwhatyoudon’tunderstand。Whatcanyouunderstand，Iwanttoknow，ofthelaw？
　　Lucy。No，papa，Ididn’tmeanaboutthelaw，butaboutthebox。because，ifthemanhadtakenit，howcoulditbehere，youknow，papa？
　　Just。Hey，hey，what？Why，whatIsayisthis，thatIdon’tdisputethatthatbox，thatyouholdinyourhands，isabox。nay，foraughtI
　　know，itmaybeatobacco-box——butit’scleartomethatiftheylefttheboxtheydidnottakethemoney。andhowdoyoudare，sir，tocomebeforeJusticeHeadstrongwithalieinyourmouth。recollectyourself——I’llgiveyoutimetorecollectyourself。
　　Apause。
　　Just。Well，sir。，andwhatdoyousaynowaboutthebox？
　　OldM。Please，yourworship，withsubmission，ICANsaynothingbutwhatIsaidbefore。
　　Just。What，contradictmeagain，afterIgaveyoutimetorecollectyourself！I’vedonewithyou。Ihavedone。Contradictmeasoftenasyouplease，butyoucannotimposeuponme。Idefyyoutoimposeuponme！
　　OldM。Impose！
　　Just。Iknowthelaw！——Iknowthelaw！——andI’llmakeyouknowit，too。
　　OnehourI’llgiveyoutorecollectyourself，andifyoudon’tgiveupthisidlestory，I’ll——I’llcommityouasavagrant——that’spoz！Go，go，forthepresent。William，takehimintotheservants’hall，doyouhear？——What，takethemoneyandleavethebox？I’llneverdoit——that’spoz！
　　LucyspeakstotheOldManasheisgoingoff。
　　Lucy。Don’tbefrightened！don’tbefrightened！——Imean，youtellthetruth，neverbefrightened。
　　OldM。IFItellthetruth——turninguphiseyes。
　　OldManisstillheldbackbytheyounglady。
　　Lucy。Onemoment——answermeonequestion——becauseofsomethingthatjustcameintomyhead。Wastheboxshutfastwhenyouleftit？
　　OldM。No，miss，no！——open——itwasopen。forIcouldnotfindthelidinthedark——mycandlewentout。IFItellthetruth——oh！
　　Exit。
　　SCENEIV。
　　Justice’sStudy——theJusticeiswriting。
　　OldM。Well！——Ishallhavebutfewdays’moremiseryinthisworld！
　　Just。looksup。Why！why——whythen，whywillyoubesopositivetopersistinalie？Takethemoneyandleavethebox！Obstinateblockhead！Here，Williamshowingthecommittal，takethisoldgentlemantoHoldfast，theconstable，andgivehimthiswarrant。
　　EnterLucy，running，outofbreath。
　　Lucy。I’vefoundit！I’vefoundit！Here，oldman。here’syourmoney——
　　hereitisall——aguineaandahalf，andashillingandasixpence，justashesaid，papa。
　　EnterLANDLADY。
　　Land。Ohla！yourworship，didyoueverhearthelike？
　　Just。I’veheardnothingyetthatIcanunderstand。First，haveyousecuredthethief，Isay？
　　Lucymakessignstothelandladytobesilent。Yes，yes，yes！——wehavehimsafe——wehavehimprisoner。Shallhecomein，papa？
　　Just。Yes，child，byallmeans。andnowIshallhearwhatpossessedhimtoleavethebox。Idon’tunderstand——there’ssomethingdeepinallthis。Idon’tunderstandit。NowIdodesire，Mrs。Landlady，nobodymayspeakasinglewordwhilstIamcross-examiningthethief。
　　Landladyputsherfingeruponherlips——Everybodylookseagerlytowardsthedoor。
　　Re-enterLucy，withahugewickercageinherhand，containingamagpie——
　　TheJusticedropsthecommittaloutofhishand。
　　Just。Hey！——what，Mrs。Landlady——theoldmagpie？hey？
　　Land。Ay，yourworship，myoldmagpie。Who’dhavethoughtit？Misswasveryclever。itwasshecaughtthethief。Misswasveryclever。
　　OldM。Verygood！verygood！
　　Just。Ay，darling，herfather’sownchild！Howwasit，child？Caughtthethief，WITHTHEMAINOUR，hey？Tellusall。Iwillhearall——that’spoz！
　　Lucy。Oh！thenfirstImusttellyouhowIcametosuspectMr。Magpie。
　　Doyouremember，papa，thatdaylastsummer，whenIwentwithyoutothebowling-green，attheSaracen’sHead？
　　Land。Oh，ofalldaysintheyear！butIaskpardon，miss。
　　Lucy。Well，thatdayIheardmyuncleandanothergentlemantellingstoriesofmagpieshidingmoney。andtheylaidawageraboutthisoldmagpieandtheytriedhim——theyputashillinguponthetable，andheranawaywithit，andhidit。soIthoughtthathemightdosoagain，youknow，thistime。
　　Just。Right，right。It’sapity，child，youarenotupontheBench。ha！
　　ha！ha！
　　Lucy。AndwhenIwenttohisoldhidingplace，thereitwas。butyousee，papa，hedidnottakethebox。
　　Just。No，no，no！becausethethiefwasamagpie。NoMANwouldhavetakenthemoneyandleftthebox。YouseeIwasright。noMANwouldhaveleftthebox，hey？
　　Lucy。Certainlynot，Isuppose。butI’msoveryglad，oldman，thatyouhaveobtainedyourmoney。
　　Just。Wellthen，child，here——takemypurse，andaddthattoit。Wewerealittletoohastywiththecommittal——hey？
　　Land。Ay，andIfearIwas，too。butwhenoneistouchedaboutthecreditofone’shouse，one’sapttospeakwarmly。
　　OldM。Oh，I’mthehappiestoldmanalive！YouareallconvincedthatI
　　toldyounolies。Saynomore——saynomore。Iamthehappiestman！
　　Miss，youhavemademethehappiestmanalive！Blessyouforit！
　　Land。Wellnow，I’lltellyouwhat。IknowwhatIthink——youmustkeepthattheremagpie，andmakeashowofhim，andIwarranthe’llbringyoumanyanhonestpenny。forit’saTRUESTORY，andfolkswouldliketohearit，Ihopes——
　　Just。eagerly。And，friend，doyouhear？you’lldineheretoday，you’lldinehere。Wehavesomeexcellentale。Iwillhaveyoudrinkmyhealth——that’spoz！——hey？You’lldrinkmyhealth，won’tyou——hey？
　　OldM。bows。Oh！andtheyounglady’s，ifyouplease。
　　Just。Ay，ay，drinkherhealth——shedeservesit。Ay，drinkmydarling’shealth。
　　Land。Andpleaseyourworship，it’stherighttime，Ibelieve，tospeakofthegoose-pienow。andacharmingpieitis，andit’sonthetable。
　　Will。AndMr。Smack，thecurate，andSquireSolid，andthedoctor，sir，arecome，anddinnerisuponthetable。
　　Just。Thenletussaynomore。butdojusticeimmediatelytothegoose-
　　pie。and，darling，putmeinmindtotellthisstoryafterdinner。
　　Aftertheygoout，theJusticestops。
　　Tellthisstory——Idon’tknowwhetherittellswellforme。butI’llneverbepositiveanymore——THAT’SPOZ！
　　THEMIMIC。
　　CHAPTERI。
　　Mr。andMrs。Montaguespentthesummeroftheyear1795atCliftonwiththeirsonFrederick，andtheirtwodaughtersSophiaandMarianne。Theyhadtakenmuchcareoftheeducationoftheirchildren。norweretheyevertempted，byanymotiveofpersonalconvenienceortemporaryamusement，tohazardthepermanenthappinessoftheirpupils。
　　Sensibleoftheextremeimportanceofearlyimpressions，andofthepowerfulinfluenceofexternalcircumstancesinformingthecharactersandthemanners，theywerenowanxiousthatthevarietyofnewideasandnewobjectswhichwouldstrikethemindsoftheirchildrenshouldappearinajustpointofview。
　　Letchildrenseeandjudgeforthemselves，isofteninconsideratelysaid。Wherechildrenseeonlyaparttheycannotjudgeofthewhole。andfromthesuperficialviewwhichtheycanhaveinshortvisitsanddesultoryconversation，theycanformonlyafalseestimateoftheobjectsofhumanhappiness，afalsenotionofthenatureofsociety，andfalseopinionsofcharacters。
　　Fortheabovereasons，Mr。andMrs。Montaguewereparticularlycautiousinthechoiceoftheiracquaintances，astheywerewellawarethatwhateverpassedinconversationbeforechildrenbecamepartoftheireducation。
　　WhentheycametoCliftontheywishedtohaveahouseentirelytothemselves，but，astheycamelateintheseason，almostallthelodginghouseswerefull，andforafewweekstheywereobligedtoremaininahousewheresomeoftheapartmentswerealreadyoccupied。
　　Duringthefirstfortnighttheyscarcelysaworheardanythingofoneofthefamilieswholodgedonthesamefloorwiththem。Anelderlyquaker，andhissisterBertha，weretheirsilentneighbours。Thebloomingcomplexionoftheladyhadindeedattractedtheattentionofthechildren，astheycaughtaglimpseofherfacewhenshewasgettingintohercarriagetogooutupontheDowns。TheycouldscarcelybelievethatshecametotheWellsonaccountofherhealth。
　　Besidesherbloomingcomplexion，thedelicatewhiteofhergarmentshadstruckthemwithadmiration。andtheyobservedthatherbrothercarefullyguardedherdressfromthewheelofthecarriage，ashehandedherin。
　　Fromthiscircumstance，andfromthebenevolentcountenanceoftheoldgentleman，theyconcludedthathewasveryfondofhissister，andthattheywerecertainlyveryhappy，exceptthattheyneverspoke，andcouldbeseenonlyforamoment。
　　Notsothemaidenladywhooccupiedthegroundfloor。Onthestairs，inthepassages，atherwindow，shewascontinuallyvisible。andsheappearedtopossesstheartofbeingpresentinalltheseplacesatonce。
　　Hervoicewaseternallytobeheard，anditwasnotparticularlymelodious。TheveryfirstdayshemetMrs。Montague’schildrenonthestairs，shestoppedtotellMariannethatshewasacharmingdear，andacharminglittledear。tokissher，toinquirehername，andtoinformherthatherownnamewasMrs。TheresaTattle，acircumstanceofwhichtherewaslittledangeroftheirlongremaininginignorance。for，inthecourseofonemorning，atleasttwentysingleandasmanydoublerapsatthedoorweresucceededbyvociferationsofMrs。TheresaTattle’sservant！Mrs。TheresaTattleathome？Mrs。TheresaTattlenotathome！
　　NopersonattheWellswasoftenerathomeandabroadthanMrs。Tattle。
　　Shehad，asshedeemedit，thehappinesstohaveamostextensiveacquaintanceresidingatClifton。Shehadforyearskeptaregisterofarrivals。Sheregularlyconsultedthesubscriptionstothecirculatinglibraries，andthelistsattheBallandthePump-rooms：sothat，withamemoryunencumberedwithliterature，andfreefromalldomesticcares，shecontrivedtoretainamostastonishingandcorrectlistofbirths，deathsandmarriages，togetherwithalltheanecdotes，amusing，instructive，orscandalous，whicharenecessarytotheconversationofawaterdrinkingplace，andessentialtothecharacterofaverypleasantwoman。
　　Averypleasantwoman，Mrs。Tattlewasusuallycalled。and，consciousofheraccomplishments，shewaseagertointroduceherselftotheacquaintanceofhernewneighbours。having，withherordinaryexpedition，collectedfromtheirservants，bymeansofherown，allthatcouldbeknown，orrather，allthatcouldbetoldaboutthem。ThenameofMontague，atallevents，sheknewwasagoodname，andjustifiedincourtingtheacquaintance。Shecourteditfirstbynods，andbecksandsmilesatMariannewhenevershemether。andMarianne，whowasaverylittlegirl，beganpresentlytonodandsmileinreturn，persuadedthataladywhosmiledsomuch，couldnotbeill-natured。Besides，Mrs。
　　Theresa’sparlourdoorwassometimesleftmorethanhalfopen，toaffordaviewofagreenparrot。Mariannesometimespassedveryslowlybythisdoor。Onemorningitwasleftquitewideopen，whenshestoppedtosayPrettyPoll。andimmediatelyMrs。TattlebeggedshewoulddoherthehonourtowalkinandseePrettyPoll，atthesametimetakingthelibertytoofferherapieceoficedplum-cake。
　　ThenextdayMrs。TheresaTattledidherselfthehonourtowaituponMrs。
　　Montague，toapologizeforthelibertyshetakenininvitingMrs。
　　Montague’scharmingMissMarianneintoherapartmenttoseePrettyPoll，andforthestillgreaterlibertyshehadtakeninofferingherapieceofplum-cake——inconsideratecreaturethatshewas！——whichmightpossiblyhavedisagreedwithher，andwhichcertainlywerelibertiesshenevershouldhavebeeninducedtotake，ifshehadnotbeenunaccountablybewitchedbyMissMarianne’sstrikingthoughhighlyflatteringresemblancetoayounggentlemananofficerwithwhomshehaddanced，nownearlytwelveyearsago，ofthenameofMontague，amostrespectableyoungman，andofamostrespectablefamily，withwhich，inaremotedegree，shemightpresumetosay，sheherselfwassomewayconnected，havingthehonourtobenearlyrelatedtotheJonesesofMerionethshire，whowerecousinstotheMainwaringsofBedfordshire，whomarriedintothefamilyoftheGriffiths，theeldestbranchofwhich，sheunderstood，hadthehonourtobecousin-germantoMr。Montague。onwhichaccountshehadbeenimpatienttopayavisit，solikelytobeproductiveofmostagreeableconsequences，bytheacquisitionofanacquaintancewhosesocietymustdoherinfinitehonour。
　　Havingthushappilyaccomplishedherfirstvisit，thereseemedlittleprobabilityofescapingMrs。Tattle’sfurtheracquaintance。InthecourseofthefirstweeksheonlyhintedtoMr。Montaguethatsomepeoplethoughthissystemofeducationratherodd。thatsheshouldbeobligedtohimifhewould，sometimeorother，whenhehadnothingelsetodo，justsitdownandmakeherunderstandhisnotions，thatshemighthavesomethingtosaytoheracquaintance，asshealwayswishedtohavewhensheheardanyfriendattacked，oranyfriend’sopinions。
　　Mr。Montaguedecliningtositdownandmakethisladyunderstandasystemofeducationonlytogivehersomethingtosay，andshowingunaccountableindifferenceabouttheattackswithwhichhewasthreatened，Mrs。TattlenextaddressedherselftoMrs。Montague，prophesying，inamostseriouswhisper，thatthecharmingMissMariannewouldshortlyandinevitablygrowquitecrooked，ifshewerenotimmediatelyprovidedwithaback-
　　board，aFrenchdancing-master，andapairofstocks。
　　Thisalarmingwhispercouldnot，however，haveapermanenteffectuponMrs。Montague’sunderstanding，becausethreedaysafterwardsMrs。
　　Theresa，uponthemostanxiousinspection，entirelymistookthejustandnaturalproportionsofthehipandshoulder。
　　Thisdangervanishing，Mrs。Tattlepresently，witharuefullengthofface，andformalpreface，hesitatedtoassureMrs。Montague，thatshewasgreatlydistressedaboutherdaughterSophy。thatshewasconvincedherlungswereaffected。andthatshecertainlyoughttodrinkthewatersmorningandevening。andaboveallthings，mustkeeponeofthepatirosalozengesconstantlyinhermouth，anddirectlyconsultDr。Cardamum，thebestphysicianintheworld，andthepersonshewouldsendforherselfuponherdeath-bed。because，tohercertainknowledge，hehadrecoveredayounglady，arelationofherown，aftershehadlostonewholeGLOBE*ofherlungs。
　　*Lobe。
　　Themedicalopinionofaladyofsomuchanatomicalprecisioncouldnothavemuchweight。NeitherwasthisuniversaladvisermoresuccessfulinanattempttointroduceatutortoFrederick，who，sheapprehended，mustwantsomeonetoperfecthimintheLatinandGreek，anddeadlanguages，ofwhich，sheobserved，itwouldbeimpertinentforawomantotalk。onlyshemightventuretorepeatwhatshehadheardsaidbygoodauthority，thatacompetencyofthedeadtonguescouldbehadnowherebutatapublicschool，orelsefromaprivatetutorwhohadbeenabroadaftertheadvantageofaclassicaleducation，finishedinoneoftheuniversitieswithagoodfamily。withoutwhichintroductionitwasidletothinkofreapingsolidadvantagesfromanycontinentaltour。allwhichrequisites，frompersonalknowledge，shecouldavertobeconcentratedinthegentlemanshehadthehonourtorecommend，ashavingbeentutortoayoungnobleman，whohadnownofurtheroccasionforhim，having，unfortunatelyforhimselfandhisfamily，beenkilledinanuntimelyduel。
　　AllMrs。TheresaTattle’ssuggestionsbeinglostuponthesestoicalparents，herpowerswerenexttrieduponthechildren，andhersuccesssoonbecameapparent。OnSophy，indeed，shecouldnotmakeanyimpression，thoughshehadexpendedonhersomeofherfineststrokesofflattery。Sophy，thoughverydesirousoftheapprobationofherfriends，wasnotverydesirousofwinningthefavourofstrangers。Shewasaboutthirteen——thatdangerousageatwhichilleducatedgirls，intheiranxietytodisplaytheiraccomplishments，areapttobecomedependentforapplauseuponthepraiseofeveryidlevisitor。whenthehabitsnotbeingformed，andtheattentionbeingsuddenlyturnedtodressandmanners，girlsareapttoaffectandimitate，indiscriminately，everythingthattheyconceivetobeagreeable。
　　Sophy，whosetastehadbeencultivatedatthesametimewithherpowersofreasoning，wasnotliabletofallintotheseerrors。Shefoundthatshecouldpleasethosewhomshewishedtoplease，withoutaffectingtobeanythingbutwhatshereallywas。andherfriendslistenedtowhatshesaid，thoughsheneverrepeatedthesentiments，oradoptedthephrases，whichshemighteasilyhavecopiedfromtheconversationofthosewhowereolderormorefashionablethanherself。
　　ThiswordFASHIONABLE，Mrs。TheresaTattleknew，hadusuallyagreateffect，evenatthirteen。butshehadnotobservedthatithadmuchpoweruponSophy。norwereherremarksconcerninggraceandmannersmuchattendedto。HermotherhadtaughtSophythatitwasbesttoletherselfalone，andnottodistorteitherherpersonorhermindinacquiringgrimace，whichnothingbutthefashionofthemomentcansupport，andwhichisalwaysdetectedanddespisedbypeopleofrealgoodsenseandpoliteness。
　　Blessme！saidMrs。Tattle，toherself，ifIhadsuchatalldaughter，andsounformed，beforemyeyesfrommorningtonight，itwouldcertainlybreakmypoorheart。Thankheaven，Iamnotamother！ifIwere，MissMarianneforme！
　　MissMariannehadheardsooftenfromMrs。Tattlethatshewasverycharming，thatshecouldnothelpbelievingit。andfrombeingaverypleasing，unaffectedlittlegirl，sheinashorttimegrewsoconceited，thatshecouldneitherspeak，look，norbesilentwithoutimaginingthateverybodywas，oroughttobe，lookingather。andwhenMrs。TheresasawthatMrs。Montaguelookedverygraveupontheseoccasions，she，torepairtheillshehaddone，wouldsay，afterpraisingMarianne’shairorhereyes，Oh，butlittleladiesshouldneverthinkabouttheirbeauty，youknow。Nobodylovesanybodyforbeinghandsome，butforbeinggood。
　　Peoplemustthinkchildrenareverysilly，orelsetheycanneverhavereflecteduponthenatureofbeliefintheirownminds，iftheyimaginethatchildrenwillbelievethewordsthataresaidtothem，bywayofmoral，whenthecountenance，manner，andeveryconcomitantcircumstancetellthemadifferenttale。Childrenareexcellentphysiognomists——theyquicklylearntheuniversallanguageoflooks。andwhatissaidOFthemalwaysmakesagreaterimpressionthanwhatissaidTOthem，atruthofwhichthoseprudentpeoplesurelycannotbeawarewhocomfortthemselves，andapologizetoparents，bysaying，Oh，butIwouldnotsaysoandsotothechild。
　　Mrs。TheresahadseldomsaidtoFrederickMontague，thathehadavastdealofdrollery，andwasamostincomparablemimic。butshehadsaidsoofhiminwhispers，whichmagnifiedthesoundtohisimagination，ifnottohisear。Hewasaboyofmuchvivacity，andhadconsiderableabilities。buthisappetiteforvulgarpraisehadnotyetbeensurfeited。
　　EvenMrs。TheresaTattle’sflatterypleasedhim，andheexertedhimselfforherentertainmentsomuchthathebecamequiteabuffoon。Insteadofobservingcharactersandmanners，thathemightjudgeofthem，andformhisown，henowwatchedeverypersonhesaw，thathemightdetectsomefoible，orcatchsomesingularityintheirgestureorpronunciation，whichhemightsuccessfullymimic。
　　Alarmedbytherapidprogressoftheseevils，Mr。andMrs。Montague，who，fromthefirstdaythattheyhadbeenhonouredwithMrs。Tattle’svisit，hadbeguntolookoutfornewlodgings，werenowextremelyimpatienttodecamp。Theywerenotpeoplewho，fromtheweakfearofoffendingasillyacquaintance，wouldhazardthehappinessoftheirfamily。Theyhadheardofahouseinthecountrywhichwaslikelytosuitthem，andtheydeterminedtogodirectlytolookatit。Astheyweretobeabsentallday，theyforesawthattheirofficiousneighbourwouldprobablyinterferewiththeirchildren。Theydidnotchoosetoexactanypromisefromthemwhichtheymightbetemptedtobreak，andthereforetheyonlysaidatparting，IfMrs。TheresaTattleshouldaskyoutocometoher，doasyouthinkproper。
　　ScarcelyhadMrs。Montague’scarriagegotoutofhearingwhenanotewasbrought，directedtoFrederickMontague，Junior，Esq。，whichheimmediatelyopened，andreadasfollows：——
　　Mrs。TheresaTattlepresentsherverybestcomplimentstotheentertainingMr。FrederickMontague。shehopeshewillhavethecharitytodrinkteawithherthisevening，andbringhischarmingsister，MissMarianne，withhim，asMrs。Theresawillbequitealonewithashockingheadache，andissensiblehernervesareaffected。andDr。CardamumsaysthatespeciallyinMrs。T。T。’scaseitisdownrightdeathtonervouspatientstobealoneaninstant。ShethereforetrustsMr。Frederickwillnotrefusetocomeandmakeherlaugh。Mrs。Theresahastakencaretoprovideafewmacaroonsforherlittlefavourite，whosaidshewasparticularlyfondofthemtheotherday。Mrs。Theresahopestheywillallcomeatsix，orbefore，notforgettingMissSophy，ifshewillcondescendtobeoftheparty。
　　Atthefirstreadingofthisnote，theentertainingMr。Frederick，andthecharmingMissMariannelaughedheartily，andlookedatSophy，asiftheywereafraidthatsheshouldthinkitpossibletheycouldlikesuchgrossflattery。butuponasecondperusal，Marianneobservedthatitcertainlywasverygood-naturedofMrs。Theresatorememberthemacaroons。andFrederickallowedthatitwaswrongtolaughatthepoorwomanbecauseshehadtheheadache。Thentwistingthenoteinhisfingers，heappealedtoSophy：——
　　Well，Sophy，leaveoffdrawingforaninstant，saidFrederick，andtelluswhatanswercanwesend？
　　Can！——wecansendwhatanswerweplease。
　　Yes，Iknowthat，saidFrederick。IwouldrefuseifIcould。butweoughtnottodoanythingrude，shouldwe？SoIthinkwemightaswellgo，becausewecouldnotrefuse，ifwewould，Isay。
　　Youhavemadesuchconfusion，repliedSophy，between’couldn’t’and’wouldn’t’and’shouldn’t，’thatIcan’tunderstandyou。surelytheyarealldifferentthings。
　　Different！no，criedFrederick——could，would，should，might，andought，areallthesamethingintheLatingrammar。allof’emsignsofthepotentialmood，youknow。
　　Sophy，whosepowersofreasoningwerenottobeconfounded，evenbyquotationsfromtheLatingrammar，lookedupsoberlyfromherdrawing，andansweredthatverylikelythosewordsmightbesignsofthesamethingintheLatingrammar，butshebelievedthattheymeantperfectlydifferentthingsinreallife。
　　That’sjustaspeopleplease，saidhersophisticalbrother。Youknowwordsmeannothinginthemselves。IfIchoosetocallmyhatmycadwallader，youwouldunderstandmejustaswell，afterIhadonceexplainedittoyou，thatbycadwalladerImeantthisblackthingthatI
　　putuponmyhead。cadwalladerandhatwouldthenbejustthesamethingtoyou。
　　Thenwhyhavetwowordsforthesamething？saidSophy。andwhathasthistodowith’could’and’should’？Youwantedtoprove——
　　Iwantedtoprove，interruptedFrederick，thatit’snotworthwhiletodisputefortwohoursabouttwowords。Dokeeptothepoint，Sophy，anddon’tdisputewithme。
　　Iwasnotdisputing，Iwasreasoning。
　　Well，reasoningordisputing。Womenhavenobusinesstodoeither。for，howshouldtheyknowhowtochoplogiclikemen？
　　Atthiscontemptuoussarcasmuponhersex，Sophy’scolourrose。
　　There！criedFrederick，exulting，nowweshallseeaphilosopheressinapassion。I’dgivesixpence，half-price，foraharlequinentertainment，toseeSophyinapassion。Now，Marianne，lookatherbrushdabbingsofastinthewater！
　　Sophy，whocouldnoteasilybeartobelaughedat，withsomelittleindignation，said，Brother，Iwish——
　　There！there！criedFrederick，pointingtothecolourwhichroseinhercheeksalmosttohertemples——rising！rising！rising！lookatthethermometer！bloodheat！blood！feverheat！boilingwaterheat！
　　Marianne。
　　Then，saidSophy，smiling，youshouldstandalittlefartheroff，bothofyou。Leavethethermometertoitselfalittlewhile。Giveittimetocool。Itwillcomedownto’temperate’bythetimeyoulookagain。
　　Oh，brother！criedMarianne，she’ssogood-humoured，don’tteaseheranymore，anddon’tdrawheadsuponherpaper，anddon’tstretchherindia-rubber，anddon’tletusdirtyanymoreofherbrushes。See！thesidesofhertumblerareallmannerofcolours。
　　Oh，Ionlymixedred，blue，greenandyellow，toshowyou，Marianne，thatallcoloursmixedtogethermakewhite。Butsheistemperatenow，andIwon’tplagueher。sheshallchoplogic，ifshelikesit，thoughsheisawoman。
　　Butthat’snotfair，brother，saidMarianne，tosay’woman’inthatway。I’msureSophyfoundouthowtotiethatdifficultknot，whichpapashowedusyesterday，longbeforeyoudid，thoughyouareaman。
　　Notlong，saidFrederick。Besides，thatwasonlyaconjuringtrick。
　　Itwasveryingenious，though，saidMarianne。andpapasaidso。
　　Besides，sheunderstoodthe’RuleofThree，’whichwasnoconjuringtrick，betterthanyoudid，thoughsheisawoman。andshecanreason，too，mammasays。
　　Verywell，letherreasonaway，saidtheprovokingwit。AllIhavetosayis，thatshe’llneverbeabletomakeapudding。
　　Whynot，pray，brother？inquiredSophy，lookingupagain，verygravely。
　　Why，youknowpapahimself，theotherdayatdinner，saidthatthewomanwhotalksGreekandLatinaswellasIdo，isafoolafterall。andthatshehadbetterhavelearnedsomethinguseful。andMrs。Tattlesaid，she’danswerforitshedidnotknowhowtomakeapudding。
　　Well！butIamnottalkingGreekandLatin，amI？
　　No，butyouaredrawing，andthat’sthesamething。
　　Thesamething！Oh，Frederick！saidlittleMarianne，laughing。
　　Youmaylaugh。butIsayitisthesamesortofthing。Womenwhoarealwaysdrawingandreasoning，neverknowhowtomakepuddings。Mrs。
　　TheresaTattlesaidso，whenIshowedherSophy’sbeautifuldrawingyesterday。
　　Mrs。TheresaTattlemightsayso，repliedSophy，calmly。butIdonotperceivethereason，brother，whydrawingshouldpreventmefromlearninghowtomakeapudding。
　　Well，Isayyou’llneverlearnhowtomakeagoodpudding。
　　Ihavelearned，continuedSophy，whowasmixinghercolours，tomixsuchandsuchcolourstogethertomakethecolourthatIwant。andwhyshouldInotbeabletolearntomixflourandbutter，andsugarandegg，together，toproducethetastethatIwant。
　　Oh，butmixingwillneverdo，unlessyouknowthequantities，likeacook。andyouwouldneverlearntherightquantities。
　　Howdidthecooklearnthem？CannotIlearnthemasshedid？
　　Yes，butyou’dneverdoitexactly，andmindthespoonfulsright，bytherecipe，likeacook。
　　Indeed！indeed！butshewould，criedMarianne，eagerly：andagreatdealmoreexactly，formammahastaughthertoweighandmeasurethingsverycarefully：andwhenIwasillshealwaysweighedthebarkinnicely，anddroppedmydropssocarefully：betterthanthecook。Whenmammatookmedowntoseethecookmakeacakeonce，Isawherspoonfuls，andherounces，andherhandfuls：shedashedandsplashedwithoutmindingexactnessortherecipe，oranything。I’msureSophywouldmakeamuchbetterpudding，ifexactnessonlywerewanting。
　　Well，grantingthatshecouldmakethebestpuddinginthewholeworld，whatdoesthatsignify？Isaysheneverwould：soitcomestothesamething。
　　Neverwould！howcanyoutellthat，brother？
　　Why，nowlookather，withherbooks，andherdrawings，andallthisapparatus。Doyouthinkshewouldeverjumpup，withallhernicety，too，andputbyallthesethings，togodownintothegreasykitchen，andplumpuptotheelbowsinsuet，likeacook，foraplum-pudding？
　　Ineednotplumpuptotheelbows，brother，saidSophy，smiling：norisitnecessarythatIshouldbeacook：but，ifitwerenecessary，I
　　hopeIshouldbeabletomakeapudding。
　　Yes，yes，criedMarianne，warmly。andshewouldjumpup，andputbyallherthingsinaminuteifitwerenecessary，andrundownstairsandupagainlikelightning，ordoanythingthatwaseversodisagreeabletoher，evenaboutthesuet，withallhernicety，brother，Iassureyou，assheusedtodoanything，everythingforme，whenIwasilllastwinter。
　　Oh，brother，shecandoanything。andshecouldmakethebestplum-
　　puddinginthewholeworld，I’msure，inaminute，ifitwerenecessary。
　　CHAPTERII。
　　Aknockatthedoor，fromMrs。TheresaTattle’sservant，recalledMariannetothebusinessoftheday。
　　There，saidFrederick，wehavesentnoanswerallthistime。It’snecessarytothinkofthatinaminute。
　　Theservantcamewithhismistress’compliments，tolettheyoungladiesandMr。Frederickknowthatshewaswaitingteaforthem。
　　Waiting！thenwemustgo，saidFrederick。
　　Theservantopenedthedoorwider，tolethimpass，andMariannethoughtshemustfollowherbrother：sotheywentdownstairstogether，whileSophygaveherownmessagetotheservant，andquietlystayedatherusualoccupations。
　　Mrs。Tattlewasseatedathertea-table，withalargeplateofmacaroonsbesideherwhenFrederickandMarianneentered。Shewasdelightedtheywerecome，andgrievednottoseeMissSophyalongwiththem。Mariannecolouredalittle。forthoughshehadprecipitatelyfollowedherbrother，andthoughhehadquietedherconscienceforamomentbysayingYouknowpapaandmammatoldustodowhatwethoughtbest，yetshedidnotfeelquitepleasedwithherself：anditwasnottillafterMrs。Theresahadexhaustedallhercompliments，andhalfhermacaroons，thatshecouldrestoreherspiritstotheirusualheight。
　　Come，Mr。Frederick，saidsheaftertea，youpromisedtomakemelaugh。andnobodycanmakemelaughsowellasyourself。
　　Oh，brother，saidMarianne，showMrs。TheresaDr。Carbuncleeatinghisdinner。andI’llbeMrs。Carbuncle。
　　Marianne。Now，mydear，whatshallIhelpyouto？
　　Frederick。Mydear！shenevercallshimmydear，youknow，butalwaysDoctor。
　　Mar。Wellthen，doctor，whatwillyoueatto-day？
　　Fred。Eat，madam！eat！nothing！nothing！Idon’tseeanythinghereI
　　caneat，ma’am。
　　Mar。Here’seels，sir。letmehelpyoutosomeeel——stewedeel——youusedtobefondofstewedeel。
　　Fred。Used，ma’am，used！ButI’msickofstewedeels。Youwouldtireoneofanything。AmItoseenothingbuteels？Andwhat’sthisatthebottom？
　　Mar。Mutton，doctor，roastmutton。ifyou’llbesogoodastocutit。
　　Fred。Cutit，ma’am！Ican’tcutit，Isay。it’sashardasadealboard。Youmightaswelltellmetocutthetable，ma’am。Mutton，indeed！notabitoffat。Roastmutton，indeed！notadropofgravy。
　　Mutton，truly！quiteacinder。I’llhavenoneofit。Here，takeitaway。takeitdownstairstothecook。It’saveryhardcase，Mrs。
　　Carbuncle，thatIcanneverhaveabitofanythingthatIcaneatatmyowntable，Mrs。Carbuncle，sinceIwasmarried，ma’am，Ithatamtheeasiestmaninthewholeworldtopleaseaboutmydinner。It’sreallyveryextraordinary，Mrs。Carbuncle！Whathaveyouatthatcornerthere，underthecover？
　　Mar。Patties，sir。oysterpatties。