Calmedatthissight，thenextquestionwas，howsheshouldconcealthemischiefwhichshehaddone。Aftermanyattempts，thehandleandlidwerereplaced。thebasketwasputexactlyinthesamespotinwhichithadstoodbefore，andthemaidchargedthechild，TOLOOKASIFNOTHING
WASTHEMATTER。
Wehopethatbothchildrenandparentswillherepauseforamomenttoreflect。Thehabitsoftyranny，meanness，andfalsehood，whichchildrenacquirefromlivingwithbadservants，arescarcelyeverconqueredinthewholecourseoftheirfuturelives。
Aftershuttingupthebaskettheylefttheroom，andintheadjoiningpassagetheyfoundapoorgirlwaitingwithasmallparcelinherhand。
What’syourbusiness？saidthemaid。
Ihavebroughthomethelace，madam，thatwasbespokefortheyounglady。
Oh，youhave，haveyou，atlast？saidBell。andpraywhydidn’tyoubringitsooner？Thegirlwasgoingtoanswer，butthemaidinterruptedher，saying——Come，come，noneofyourexcuses。youarealittleidle，good-for-nothingthing，todisappointMissBelluponherbirthday。Butnowyouhavebroughtit，letuslookatit！
Thelittlegirlgavethelacewithoutreply，andthemaiddesiredhertogoaboutherbusiness，andnottoexpecttobepaid。forthathermistresscouldnotseeanybody，BECAUSEshewasinaroomfullofcompany。
MayIcallagain，madam，thisafternoon？saidthechild，timidly。
Lordblessmystars！repliedthemaid，whatmakespeoplesopoor，I
WONDERS！Iwishmistresswouldbuyherlaceatthewarehouse，asItoldher，andnotofthesefolks。Callagain！yes，tobesure。Ibelieveyou’dcall，call，calltwentytimesfortwopence。
Howeverungraciouslythepermissiontocallagainwasgranted，itwasreceivedwithgratitude。Thelittlegirldepartedwithacheerfulcountenance。andBellteazedhermaidtillshegothertosewthelongwished-forlaceuponhercuffs。
UnfortunateBell！——Alldinnertimepassed，andpeopleweresohungry，sobusy，orsostupid，thatnotaneyeobservedherfavouritepieceoffinery。Tillatlengthshewasnolongerabletoconcealherimpatience，andturningtoLaura，whosatnexttoher，shesaid，Youhavenolaceuponyourcuffs。Lookhowbeautifulmineis！——isnotit？Don’tyouwishyourmammacouldaffordtogivesomelikeit？Butyoucan’tgetanyifshewould，forthiswasmadeonpurposeformeonmybirthday，andnobodycangetabitmoreanywhere，iftheywouldgivetheworldforit。
Butcannotthepersonwhomadeit，saidLaura，makeanymorelikeit？
No，no，no！criedBell。forshehadalreadylearned，eitherfromhermaidorhermother，themeanpridewhichvaluesthingsnotforbeingreallyprettyoruseful，butforbeingsuchasnobodyelsecanprocure。
Nobodycangetanylikeit，Isay，repeatedBell。nobodyinallLondoncanmakeitbutoneperson，andthatpersonwillnevermakeabitforanybodybutme，Iamsure。Mammawon’tlether，ifIaskhernot。
Verywell，saidLaura，coolly，Idonotwantanyofit。youneednotbesoviolent：IassureyouthatIdon’twantanyofit。
Yes，butyoudo，though，saidBell，moreangrily。
No，indeed，saidLaura，smiling。
Youdo，inthebottomofyourheart。butyousayyoudon’ttoplagueme，Iknow，criedBell，swellingwithdisappointedvanity。Itisprettyforallthat，anditcostagreatdealofmoneytoo，andnobodyshallhaveanylikeit，iftheycriedtheireyesout。
Laurareceivedthisdeclarationinsilence——Rosamondsmiled。andathersmiletheill-suppressedrageofthespoiledchildburstforthintotheseventhandloudestfitofcryingwhichhadyetbeenheardonherbirthday。
What’sthematter，mypet？criedhermother。cometome，andtellmewhat’sthematter。Bellranroaringtohermother。butnootherwiseexplainedthecauseofhersorrowthanbytearingthefinelacewithfranticgesturesfromhercuffs，andthrowingthefragmentsintohermother’slap。Oh！thelace，child！——areyoumad？saidhermother，catchingholdofbothherhands。Yourbeautifullace，mydearlove——doyouknowhowmuchitcost？
Idon’tcarehowmuchitcost——itisnotbeautiful，andI’llhavenoneofit，repliedBell，sobbing。foritisnotbeautiful。
Butitisbeautiful，retortedhermother。Ichosethepatternmyself。
Whohasputitintoyourhead，child，todislikeit？WasitNancy？
No，notNancy，butTHEM，mamma，saidBell，pointingtoLauraandRosamond。
Oh，fie！don’tPOINT，saidhermother，puttingdownherstubbornfinger。norsayTHEM，likeNancy。Iamsureyoumisunderstood。MissLaura，Iamsure，didnotmeananysuchthing。
No，madam。andIdidnotsayanysuchthing，thatIrecollect，saidLaura，gently。Oh，no，indeed！criedRosamond，warmly，risinginhersister’sdefence。
Nodefenceorexplanation，however，wastobeheard，foreverybodyhadnowgatheredroundBell，todryhertears，andtocomfortherforthemischiefshehaddonetoherowncuffs。Theysucceededsowell，thatinaboutaquarterofanhourtheyounglady’seyes，andthereddenedarchesoverhereyebrowscametotheirnaturalcolour。andthebusinessbeingthushappilyhushedup，themother，asarewardtoherdaughterforhergoodhumour，beggedthatRosamondwouldnowbesogoodastoproducehercharmingpresent。
Rosamond，followedbyallthecompany，amongstwhom，tohergreatjoy，washergodmother，proceededtothedressingroom。NowIamsure，
thoughtshe，Bellwillbesurprised，andmygodmotherwillseeshewasrightaboutmygenerosity。
Thedoorsofthewardrobewereopenedwithdueceremony，andthefiligreebasketappearedinallitsglory。Well，thisisacharmingpresent，indeed！saidthegodmother，whowasoneofthecompany。MYRosamondknowshowtomakepresents。Andasshespoke，shetookholdofthebasket，toliftitdowntotheadmiringaudience。Scarcelyhadshetouchedit，when，lo！thebasketfelltotheground，andonlythehandleremainedinherhand。Alleyeswerefixeduponthewreck。Exclamationsofsorrowwereheardinvarioustones。andWhocanhavedonethis？wasallthatRosamondcouldsay。Bellstoodinsullensilence，whichsheobstinatelypreservedinthemidstoftheinquiriesthatweremadeaboutthedisaster。
Atlengththeservantsweresummoned，andamongstthem，Nancy，MissBell’smaidandgoverness。Sheaffectedmuchsurprisewhenshesawwhathadbefallenthebasket，anddeclaredthatsheknewnothingofthematter，butthatshehadseenhermistressinthemorningputitquitesafeintothewardrobe。andthat，forherpart，shehadnevertouchedit，orthoughtoftouchingit，inherborndays。NorMissBell，neither，ma’am，——Icananswerforher。forsheneverknewofitsbeingthere，becauseIneversomuchasmentionedittoher，thattherewassuchathinginthehouse，becauseIknewMissRosamondwantedtosurpriseherwiththesecret。soInevermentionedasentenceofit——didI，MissBell？
Bell，puttingonthedeceitfullookwhichhermaidhadtaughther，answeredboldly，NO。butshehadholdofRosamond’shand，andattheinstantsheutteredthisfalsehoodshesqueezeditterribly。Whydoyousqueezemyhandso？saidRosamond，inalowvoice。whatareyouafraidof？
Afraidof！criedBell，turningangrily。I’mnotafraidofanything，——
I’venothingtobeafraidabout。
Nay，Ididnotsayyouhad，whisperedRosamond。butonlyifyoudidbyaccident——youknowwhatImean——Ishouldnotbeangryifyoudid——onlysayso。
IsayIdidnot！criedBell，furiously。Mamma，mamma！Nancy！mycousinRosamondwon’tbelieveme！That’sveryhard。It’sveryrude，andIwon’tbearit——Iwon’t。
Don’tbeangry，love。Don’t，saidthemaid。
Nobodysuspectsyou，darling，saidhermother。butshehastoomuchsensibility。Don’tcry，love。nobodysuspectedyou。Butyouknow，
continuedshe，turningtothemaid，somebodymusthavedonethis，andI
mustknowhowitwasdone。MissRosamond’scharmingpresentmustnotbespoiledinthisway，inmyhouse，withoutmytakingpropernoticeofit。
IassureyouIamveryangryaboutit，Rosamond。
Rosamonddidnotrejoiceinheranger，andhadnearlymadeasadmistakebyspeakingaloudherthoughts——IWASVERYFOOLISH——shebeganandstopped。
Ma’am，criedthemaid，suddenly，I’llventuretosayIknowwhodidit。
Who？saideveryone，eagerly。Who？saidBell，trembling。
Why，miss，don’tyourecollectthatlittlegirlwiththelace，thatwesawpeepingaboutinthepassage？I’msureshemusthavedoneit。forhereshewasbyherselfhalfanhourormore，andnotanothercreaturehasbeeninmistress’dressing-room，tomycertainknowledge，sincemorning。Thosesortofpeoplehavesomuchcuriosity。I’msureshemusthavebeenmeddlingwithit，addedthemaid。
Oh，yes，that’sthething，saidthemistress，decidedly。Well，MissRosamond，foryourcomfortsheshallnevercomeintomyhouseagain。
Oh，thatwouldnotcomfortmeatall，saidRosamond。besides，wearenotsurethatshedidit，andif——Asingleknockatthedoorwasheardatthisinstant。Itwasthelittlegirl，whocametobepaidforherlace。
Callherin，saidtheladyofthehouse。letusseeherdirectly。
Themaid，whowasafraidthatthegirl’sinnocencewouldappearifshewereproduced，hesitated。butuponhermistressrepeatinghercommands，shewasforcedtoobey。Thegirlcameinwithalookofsimplicity。butwhenshesawaroomfullofcompanyshewasalittleabashed。RosamondandLauralookedatherandoneanotherwithsurprise，foritwasthesamelittlegirlwhomtheyhadseenweavinglace。
Isnotitshe？whisperedRosamondtohersister。
Yes，itis。buthush，saidLaura，shedoesnotknowus。Don’tsayaword，letushearwhatshewillsay。
Lauragotbehindtherestofthecompanyasshespoke，sothatthelittlegirlcouldnotseeher。
Vastlywell！saidBell’smother。Iamwaitingtoseehowlongyouwillhavetheassurancetostandtherewiththatinnocentlook。Didyoueverseethatbasketbefore？
Yes，ma’am，saidthegirl。
YES，MA’AM！criedthemaid。andwhatelsedoyouknowaboutit？Youhadbetterconfessitatonce，andmistress，perhaps，willsaynomoreaboutit。
Yes，doconfessit，addedBell，earnestly。
Confesswhat，madam？saidthelittlegirl。Inevertouchedthebasket，madam。
YouneverTOUCHEDit。butyouconfess，interruptedBell’smother，thatyouDIDSEEitbefore。And，pray，howcameyoutoseeit？Youmusthaveopenedmywardrobe。
No，indeed，ma’am，saidthelittlegirl。butIwaswaitinginthepassage，ma’am，andthisdoorwaspartlyopen。andlookingatthemaid，youknow，Icouldnothelpseeingit。
Why，howcouldyouseethroughthedoorsofmywardrobe？rejoinedthelady。
Themaid，frightened，pulledthelittlegirlbythesleeve。
Answerme，saidthelady，wheredidyouseethisbasket？Anotherstrongerpull。
Isawit，madam，inherhands，lookingatthemaid。and——
Well，andwhatbecameofitafterwards？
Ma’am——hesitating——misspulled，andbyaccident——Ibelieve，Isaw，ma’am——miss，youknowwhatIsaw。
Idonotknow——Idonotknow。andifIdid，youhadnobusinessthere。
andmammawon’tbelieveyou，Iamsure。Everybodyelse，however，didbelieve。andtheireyeswerefixeduponBellinamannerwhichmadeherfeelratherashamed。
Whatdoyoualllookatmesofor？Whydoyoualllookso？AndamItobeputtoshameonmybirthday？criedshe，burstingintoaroarofpassion。andallforthisnastything！addedshe，pushingawaytheremainsofthebasket，andlookingangrilyatRosamond。
Bell！Bell！O，fie！fie！——NowIamashamedofyou。that’squiterudetoyourcousin，saidhermother，whowasmoreshockedatherdaughter’swantofpolitenessthanatherfalsehood。Takeheraway，Nancy，tillshehasdonecrying，addedshetothemaid，whoaccordinglycarriedoffherpupil。
Rosamond，duringthisscene，especiallyatthemomentwhenherpresentwaspushedawaywithsuchdisdain，hadbeenmakingreflectionsuponthenatureoftruegenerosity。Asmilefromherfather，whostoodby，asilentspectatorofthecatastropheofthefiligreebasket，gaverisetothesereflections。norweretheyentirelydissipatedbythecondolenceoftherestofthecompany，norevenbythepraisesofhergodmother，who，forthepurposeofcondolingwithher，said，Well，mydearRosamond，I
admireyourgenerousspirit。YouknowIprophesiedthatyourhalf-guineawouldbegonethesoonest。DidInot，Laura？saidshe，appealing，inasarcastictone，towhereshethoughtLaurawas。WhereisLaura？I
don’tseeher。Lauracameforward。YouaretooPRUDENTtothrowawayyourmoneylikeyoursister。Yourhalf-guinea，I’llanswerforit，issnuginyourpocket——Isitnot？
No，madam，answeredshe，inalowvoice。
ButlowasthevoiceofLaurawas，thepoorlittlelace-girlheardit。
andnow，forthefirsttime，fixinghereyesuponLaura，recollectedherbenefactress。Oh，that’stheyounglady！sheexclaimed，inatoneofjoyfulgratitude，thegood，goodyounglady，whogavemethehalf-
guinea，andwouldnotstaytobethankedforit。butIWILLthankhernow。
Thehalf-guinea，Laura！saidhergodmother。Whatisallthis？
I’lltellyou，madam，ifyouplease，saidthelittlegirl。
Itwasnotinexpectationofbeingpraisedforit，thatLaurahadbeengenerous，andthereforeeverybodywasreallytouchedwiththehistoryoftheweaving-pillow。andwhilsttheypraised，feltacertaindegreeofrespect，whichisnotalwaysfeltbythosewhopourfortheulogiums。
RESPECTisnotanimproperword，evenappliedtoachildofLaura’sage。
forlettheageorsituationofthepersonbewhatitmay，theycommandrespectwhodeserveit。
Ah，madam！saidRosamondtohergodmother，nowyousee——youseesheisNOTalittlemiser。I’msurethat’sbetterthanwastinghalfaguineauponafiligreebasket。isitnot，ma’am？saidshe，withaneagernesswhichshowedthatshehadforgottenallherownmisfortunesinsympathywithhersister。ThisisbeingREALLYGENEROUS，father，isitnot？
Yes，Rosamond，saidherfather，andhekissedher。thisISbeingreallygenerous。Itisnotonlybygivingawaymoneythatwecanshowgenerosity。itisbygivinguptoothersanythingthatwelikeourselves：
andtherefore，addedhe，smiling，itisreallygenerousofyoutogiveyoursisterthethingyoulikebestofallothers。
ThethingIlikethebestofallothers，father，saidRosamond，halfpleased，halfvexed。Whatisthat，Iwonder？Youdon’tmeanPRAISE，doyou，sir？
Nay，youmustdecidethatyourself，Rosamond。
Why，sir，saidshe，ingenuously，perhapsitWASONCEthethingIlikedbest。butthepleasureIhavejustfeltmakesmelikesomethingelsemuchbetter。
ETONMONTEM。
[ExtractedfromtheCourierofMay，1799。]
Yesterdaythistriennialceremonytookplace，withwhichthepublicaretoowellacquaintedtorequireaparticulardescription。Acollection，calledSalt，istakenfromthepublic，whichformsapurse，tosupporttheCaptainoftheSchoolinhisstudiesatCambridge。ThiscollectionismadebytheScholars，dressedinfancydresses，allroundthecountry。
Ateleveno’clock，theyouthsbeingassembledintheirhabilimentsattheCollege，theRoyalFamilysetofffromtheCastletoseethem，and，afterwalkingroundtheCourtyard，theyproceededtoSaltHillinthefollowingorder：——
HisMajesty，hisRoyalHighnessthePrinceofWales，andtheEarlofUxbridge。
TheirRoyalHighnessestheDukesofKentandCumberland，EarlMorton，andGeneralGwynne，allonhorseback，dressedintheWindsoruniform，exceptthePrinceofWales，whoworeasuitofdarkblue，andabrownsurtoutover。
ThenfollowedtheScholars，precededbytheMarechalSerjeant，theMusiciansoftheStaffordshireBand，andMr。Ford，CaptainoftheSeminary，theSerjeantMajor，Serjeants，Colonels，Corporals，Musicians，Ensign，Lieutenant，Steward，SaltBearers，Polemen，andRunners。
ThecavalcadewasbroughtupbyherMajestyandheramiabledaughtersintwocarriages，andanumerouscompanyofequestriansandpedestrians，alleagertobeholdtheirSovereignandhisfamily。Amongtheformer，LadyLadewasforemostinthethrong。onlytwoothersdaredventuretheirpersonsonhorsebackinsuchamultitude。
TheKingandRoyalFamilywerestoppedonEtonBridgebyMessrs。YoungandMansfield，theSaltBearers，towhomtheirMajestiesdeliveredtheircustomarydonationoffiftyguineaseach。
AtSaltHill，hisMajesty，withhisusualaffability，tookuponhimselftoarrangetheprocessionroundtheRoyalcarriages。andevenwhenthehorsesweretakenoff，withtheassistanceoftheDukeofKent，fastenedthetracesroundthepoleofthecoaches，topreventanyinconvenience。
Anexceedingheavyshowerofraincomingon，thePrincetookleave，andwenttothe’WindmillInn，’tillitsubsided。TheKingandhisattendantsweathereditoutintheirgreat-coats。
Aftertheyounggentlemenwalkedroundthecarriage，EnsignVinceandtheSaltBearersproceededtothesummitofthehill。butthewindbeingboisterous，hecouldnotexhibithisdexterityindisplayinghisflag，andthespacebeingtoosmallbeforethecarriages，fromtheconcourseofspectators，theKingkindlyacquiescedinnothavingitdisplayedundersuchinconvenience。
TheirMajestiesandthePrincessesthenreturnedhome，theKingoccasionallystoppingtoconversewiththeDeanofWindsor，theEarlofHarrington，andothernoblemen。
TheScholarspartookofanelegantdinneratthe’WindmillInn，’andintheeveningwalkedonWindsorTerrace。
TheirRoyalHighnessesthePrinceofWalesandDukeofCumberland，aftertakingleaveoftheirMajesties，setofffortown，andhonouredtheOperaHousewiththeirpresenceintheevening。
TheprofitarisingfromtheSaltcollected，accordingtoaccount，amountedto8OOpounds。
TheStadtholder，theDukeofGordon，LordandLadyMelbourne，ViscountBrome，andanumeroustrainoffashionablenobility，werepresent。
Thefollowingisanaccountoftheirdresses，madeasusual，veryhandsomely，byMrs。Snow，milliner，ofWindsor：——
Mr。Ford，Captain，witheightGentlementoattendhimasservitors。
Mr。Sarjeant，Marechal。
Mr。Bradith，Colonel。
Mr。Plumtree，Lieutenant。
Mr。Vince，Ensign。
Mr。Young，CollegeSaltBearer。whiteandgolddress，richsatinbag，coveredwithgoldnetting。
Mr。Mansfield，Oppidan，white，purple，andorangedress，trimmedwithsilver。richsatinbag，purpleandsilver：eachcarryingelegantpoles，withgoldandsilvercord。
Mr。Keity，yellowandblackvelvet。helmettrimmedwithsilver。
Mr。Bartelot，plainmantleandsandals，Scotchbonnet，averyDouglas。
Mr。Knapp，flesh-colourandblue。Spanishhatandfeathers。
Mr。Ripley，rose-colour。helmet。
Mr。Islipbeinginmourning，ascarf。helmet，blackvelvet。andwhitesatin。
Mr。Tomkins，violetandsilver。helmet。
Mr。Thackery，lilacandsilver。RomanCap。
Mr。Drury，mazarinblue。fancycap。
Mr。Davis，slate-colourandstraw。
Mr。Routh，pinkandsilver，Spanishhat。
Mr。Curtis，purple，fancycap。
Mr。Lloyd，blue。ditto。
AttheconclusionoftheceremonytheRoyalFamilyreturnedtoWindsor，andtheboyswereallsumptuouslyentertainedatthetavernatSaltHill。
Aboutsixintheeveningalltheboysreturnedintheorderofprocession，and，marchingroundthegreatsquareofEton，weredismissed。
ThecaptainthenpaidhisrespectstotheRoyalFamily，attheQueen’sLodge，Windsor，previouslytohisdepartureforKing’sCollege，Cambridge，todefraywhichexpensetheproduceoftheMontemwaspresentedtohim。
Thedayconcludedbyabrilliantpromenadeofbeauty，rank，andfashion，onWindsorTerrace，enlivenedbytheperformanceofseveralbandsofmusic。
TheoriginoftheprocessionisfromthecustombywhichtheManorwasheld。
ThecustomofhuntingtheRambelongedtoEtonCollege，aswellasthecustomofSalt。butitwasdiscontinuedbyDr。Cook，lateDeanofEly。
NowthiscustomweknowtohavebeenenteredontheregisteroftheRoyalAbbeyofBec，inNormandy，asonebelongingtotheManorofEastorGreatWrotham，inNorfolk，givenbyRalphdeTonitotheAbbeyofBec，andwasasfollows：——Whentheharvestwasfinishedthetenantsweretohavehalfanacreofbarley，andaramletloose。andiftheycaughthimhewastheirowntomakemerrywith。butifheescapedfromthemhewastheLord’s。TheEtonians，inordertosecuretheram，houghedhimintheIrishfashion，andthenattackedhimwithgreatclubs。Thecrueltyofthisproceedingbroughtitintodisuse，andnowitexistsnolonger——SeeRegisteroftheRoyalAbbeyofBec，folio58。
Afterthedissolutionofthealienpriories，in1414，bytheParliamentofLeicester，theyremainedintheCrowntillHenryVI。，whogaveWrothamManortoEtonCollege。andiftheEtonFellowswouldsearch，theywouldperhapsfindtheManorintheirpossession，thatwasheldbythecustomofSalt。
MEN。
AldermanBursal，FatherofyoungBursal。
LordJohn，
Talbot，
Wheeler，YoungGentlemenofEton，from17to19yearsofage。
Bursal，
RoryO’Ryan
Mr。Newington，LandlordoftheInnatSaltHill。
FarmerHearty。
AWaiterandcrowdofEtonLads。
WOMEN。
TheMarchionessofPiercefield，MotherofLordJohn。
LadyVioletta——herDaughter，aChildofsixorsevenyearsold。
Mrs。Talbot。
LousiaTalbot，herDaughter。
MissBursal，DaughtertotheAlderman。
Mrs。Newington，LandladyoftheInnatSaltHill。
Sally，aChambermaid。
Patty，aCountryGirl。
PipeandTabor，andDanceofPeasants。
SCENEI。
TheBaroftheWindmillInnatSaltHill。
MR。andMRS。NEWINGTON，theLandlordandLandlady。
Landlady。’Tisanunpossibility，Mr。Newington。andthat’senough。Saynomoreaboutit。’tisanunpossibilityinthenaturofthings。Sherangesjellies，etc。，intheBar。Andpray，doyoutakeyourgreatoldfashionedtankard，Mr。Newington，fromamongmyjelliesandconfectioneries。
Landlordtakeshistankardanddrinks。Anythingforaquietlife。Ifitisanimpossibility，I’venomoretosay。only，forthesoulofme，I
can’tseethegreatunpossibility，wife。
Landlady。Wife，indeed！——wife！——wife！wifeeveryminute。
Landlord。Heyday！Why，whataplaguewouldyouhavemecallyou？TheotherdayyouquarrelledwithmeforcallingyouMrs。Landlady。
Landlady。TobesureIdid，andveryproperinmeIshould。I’veturnedoffthreewaitersandfivechambermaidsalready，forscreamingaftermeMrs。Landlady！Mrs。Landlady！But’tisallyourillmanners。
Landlord。Illmanners！Why，ifImaybesobold，ifyouarenotMrs。
Landlady，inthenameofwonderwhatareyou？
Landlady。Mrs。Newington，Mr。Newington。
Landlorddrinks。Mrs。Newington，Mr。Newingtondrinksyourhealth。forIsupposeImustnotbelandlordanymoreinmyownhouseshrugs。
Landlady。Oh，astothat，IhavenoobjectionsnorimpedimentstoyourbeingcalledLANDLORD。Youlookit，andbecomeitveryproper。
Landlord。Why，yes，indeed，thankmytankard，Idolookit，andbecomeit，andamnowiseashamedofit。buteveryonetotheirmind，asyou，wife，don’tfancythebeingcalledMrs。Landlady。
Landlady。TobesureIdon’t。Why，whenfolksheartheoldfashionedcryofMrs。Landlady！Mrs。Landlady！whodotheyexpect，thinkyou，tosee，butanovergrown，fat，featherbedofawoman，comingwaddlingalongwithherthumbsstickingoneachsideofherapron，o’thisfashion？
Now，toseemecoming，nobodywouldtakemetobealandlady。
Landlord。Verytrue，indeed，wife——Mrs。Newington，Imean——Iaskpardon。
butnowtogoonwithwhatweweresayingabouttheunpossibilityoflettingthatoldlady，andthecivil-spokenyoungladythereabove，havethemthereroomsforanotherday。
Landlady。Now，Mr。Newington，letmehearnomoreaboutthatoldgentlewoman，andthatcivil-spokenyounglady。Fairwordscostnothing。
andI’veanotionthat’sthecausetheyaresoplentywiththeyounglady。Neithero’them，Itakeit，bywhatthey’veorderedsincetheircomingintothehouse，aresuchgrandfolk，thatoneneedbesopetticularaboutthem。
Landlord。Why，theycameonlyinachaiseandpair，tobesure。Ican’tdenythat。
Landlady。But，blessmystars！whatsignifiestalking？Don’tyouknow，aswellasIdo，Mr。Newington，thatto-morrowisEtonMontem，andthatifwehadtwentytimesasmanyroomsandasmanymoretothebackofthem，itwouldnotbeonetoomanyforallthecompanywe’vearighttoexpect，andthosethehighestqualityoftheland？Nay，whatdoItalkofto-morrow？isn’tmyLadyPiercefieldandsuiteexpected？and，moreover，Mr。andMissBursal’stobehere，andwillcallforasmuchinanhourasyourcivil-spokenyoungladyinatwelvemonth，Ireckon。So，Mr。Newington，ifyoudon’tthinkpropertogoupandinformtheladiesabove，thattheDolphinroomsarenotforthem，ImustSPEAKmyself，though’tisathingIneverdowhenIcanhelpit。
Landlordaside。Shenotliketospeak！Aloud。Mydear，youcanspeakapowerbetterthanIcan。sotakeitalluponyourself，ifyouplease。for，old-fashionedasIandmytankardherebe，Ican’tmakeaspeechthatbordersontheuncivilorder，toaladylike，forthelifeandlungsofme。So，inthenameofgoodness，doyougoup，Mrs。
Newington。
Landlady。AndsoIwill，Mr。Newington。Helpye！Civilitiesandraritiesareouto’seasonforthemthatcan’tpayfortheminthisworld。andveryproper。[ExitLandlady。]
Landlord。Andveryproper！Ha！whocomesyonder？TheEtonchapwhowheedledmeintolendinghimmybesthunterlastyear，andwastheruinationofhim。butthatmustbepaidfor，wheedleornowheedle。and，forthematterofwheedling，I’dstakethishereMr。Wheeler，thatismakinguptome，doyousee，againste’eraboy，orhobbledehoy，inallEton，London，orChristendom，lettheotherbewhohewill。
EnterWHEELER。
Wheeler。Afineday，Mr。Newington。
Landlord。Afineday，Mr。Wheeler。
Wheel。AndIhope，forYOURsake，wemayhaveasfineadayfortheMontemto-morrow。Itwillbeaprettypennyinyourpocket！Why，alltheworldwillbehere。andlookingroundatthejellies，etc。somuchthebetterforthem。forherearegoodthingsenough，andenoughforthem。Andhere’sthebestthingofall，thegoodoldtankardstill。notempty，Ihope。
Landlord。Notempty，Ihope。Here’stoyou，Mr。Wheeler。
Wheel。Mr。Wheeler！——CAPTAINWheeler，ifyouplease。
Landlord。YOU，CaptainWheeler！Why，IthoughtinformertimesitwasalwaystheoldestscholaratEtonthatwasCaptainattheMontems。anddidn’tMr。Talbotcomeaforeyou？
Wheel。Notatall。wecameonthesameday。SomesayIcamefirst。somesayTalbot。Sothechoiceofwhichofusistobecaptainistobeputtothevoteamongstthelads——mostvotescarryit。andIhavemostvotes，Ifancy。soIshallbecaptain，to-morrow，andaprettydealofsalt*I
reckonIshallpocket。Why，thecollectionatthelastMontem，theysay，cametoaplumpthousand！NobadthingforayoungfellowtosetoutwithforOxfordorCambridge——hey？
*Salt，thecantnamegivenbytheEtonladstothemoneycollectedatMontem。
Landlord。Andnobadthing，beforehesetsoutforCambridgeorOxford，’twouldbeforayounggentlemantopayhisdebts。
Wheel。Debts！Oh，timeenoughforthat。I’vealittleaccountwithyouinhorses，Iknow。butthat’sbetweenyouandme，youknow——mum。
Landlord。Mummenomums，Mr。Wheeler。Betweenyouandme，mybesthunterhasbeenruinationed。andIcan’taffordtobemum。Soyou’lltakenooffenceifIspeak。andasyou’llsetoffto-morrow，assoonastheMontem’sover，you’llbepleasedtosettlewithmesomewayorotherto-day，aswe’venoothertime。
Wheel。Notimesoproper，certainly。Where’sthelittleaccount？——I
havemoneysentmeformyMontemdress，andIcansqueezethatmuchoutofit。IcamehomefromEtononpurposetosettlewithyou。Butastothehunter，youmustcalluponTalbot——doyouunderstand？topayforhim。
forthoughTalbotandIhadhimthesameday，’twasTalbotdidforhim，andTalbotmustpay。Ispoketohimaboutit，andchargedhimtorememberyou。forIneverforgettospeakagoodwordformyfriends。
Landlord。SoIperceive。
Wheel。I’llmakeboldjusttogiveyoumyopinionofthesejellieswhilstyouaregettingmyaccount，Mr。Newington。
Heswallowsdownajellyortwo——Landlordisgoing。
EnterTALBOT。
Talbot。Hallo，Landlord！wherearemakingoffsofast？Here，yourjelliesareallgoingasfastasyourself。
Wheel。aside。Talbot！——IwishIwasahundredmilesoff。
Landlord。Youareheartilywelcome，Mr。Talbot。Agoodmorningtoyou，sir。I’mgladtoseeyou——verygladtoseeyou，Mr。Talbot。
Talb。Thenshakehands，myhonestlandlord。
Talbot，inshakinghandswithhim，putsapurseintothelandlord’shands。
Landlord。What’shere？Guineas？
Talb。Thehunter，youknow。sinceWheelerwon’tpay，Imust——that’sall。
Goodmorning。
Wheel。aside。Whatafool！
Landlord，asTalbotisgoing，catchesholdofhiscoat。
Landlord。Hold，Mr。Talbot，thiswon’tdo！
Talb。Won’tit？Well，then，mywatchmustgo。
Landlord。Nay，nay！butyouareinsuchahurrytopay——youwon’thearaman。Halfthisisenoughforyourshareo’themischief，inallconscience。Mr。Wheeler，there，hadthehorseonthesameday。
Wheel。ButBursal’smywitness——
Talb。Oh，saynomoreaboutwitnesses。aman’sconscienceisalwayshisbestwitness，orhisworst。Landlord，takeyourmoney，andnomorewords。
Wheel。Thisisverygenteelofyou，Talbot。IalwaysthoughtyouwoulddothegenteelthingasIknewyoutobesogenerousandconsiderate。
Talb。Don’twasteyourfinespeeches，Wheeler，Iadviseyou，thiselectiontime。KeepthemforBursalorLordJohn，orsomeofthosewholikethem。Theywon’tgodownwithme。Goodmorningtoyou。Igiveyounotice，I’mgoingbacktoEtonasfastasIcangallop。andwhoknowswhatplainspeakingmaydowiththeEtonlads？Imaybecaptainyet，Wheeler。Haveacare！Ismyhorsereadythere？
Landlord。Mr。Talbot’shorse，there！Mr。Talbot’shorse，Isay。
Talbotsings。
Hecarriesweight——heridesarace——
’Tisforathousandpound！ExitTalbot。
Wheel。And，dearme！Ishallbeleftbehind。Ahorseforme，pray。ahorseforMr。Wheeler！ExitWheeler。
Landlordcallsveryloud。Mr。Talbot’shorse！Hangthehostler！I’llsaddlehimmyself。ExitLandlord。
SCENEII。
ADiningroomintheInnatSaltHill。
MRS。TALBOTandLOUISA。
Louisalaughing。WithwhatanairMrs。Landladymadeherexit！
Mrs。Talbot。WhenIwasyoung，theysay，Iwasproud。butIamhumbleenoughnow：thesepettymortificationsdonotvexme。
Louisa。ItiswellmybrotherwasgonebeforeMrs。Landladymadeherentree。forifhehadheardherrudespeech，hewouldatleasthavegivenhertheretortcourteous。
Mrs。Talb。Nowtellmehonestly，myLouisa——Youwere，afewdaysago，atBursalHouse。Sinceyouhaveleftitandhavefeltsomethingofthedifferencethatismadeinthisworldbetweensplendourandnosplendour，youhaveneverregrettedthatyoudidnotstaythere，andthatyoudidnotbearmorepatientlywithMissBursal’slittleairs？
Louisa。Neverforamoment。AtfirstMissBursalpaidmeavastdealofattention。but，forwhatreasonIknownot，shesuddenlychangedhermanner，grewfirststrangelycold，thencondescendinglyfamiliar，andatlastdownrightrude。Icouldnotguessthecauseofthesevariations。
Mrs。Talb。asideIguessthecausetoowell。
Louisa。ButasIperceivedtheladywasoutoftune，Iwasinhastetoleaveher。Ishouldmakeaverybad，and，Iamsure，amiserabletoadeater。Ihadmuchrather，ifIwereobligedtochoose，earnmyownbread，thanliveastoadeaterwithanybody。
Mrs。Talb。Finetalking，dearLouisa！
Louisa。Don’tyoubelievemetobeinearnest，mother！Tobesure，youcannotknowwhatIwoulddo，unlessIwereputtothetrial。
Mrs。Talb。Noryoueither，mydear。Shesighs，andissilent。
Louisatakeshermother’shand。Whatisthematter，dearmother？Youusedtosay，thatseeingmybrotheralwaysmadeyoufeeltenyearsyounger。yetevenwhilehewashere，youhad，inspiteofallyoureffortstoconcealthem，thosesuddenfitsofsadness。
Mrs。Talb。TheMontem——isnotitto-morrow？Ay，butmyboyisnotsureofbeingcaptain。
Louisa。No。thereisoneWheeler，who，ashesays，ismostlikelytobechosencaptain。Hehastakenprodigiouspainstoflatterandwinovermanytohisinterest。Mybrotherdoesnotsomuchcareaboutit。heisnotavaricious。
Mrs。Talb。Iloveyourgenerousspiritandhis！but，alas！mydear，peoplemaylivetowant，andwishformoney，withoutbeingavaricious。I
wouldnotsayawordtoTalbot。fullofspiritsashewasthismorning，I
wouldnotsayawordtohim，tillaftertheMontem，ofwhathashappened。
Louisa。Andwhathashappened，dearmother？Sitdown，——youtremble。
Mrs。Talb。sitsdownandputsaletterintoLouisa’shand。Readthat，love。Amessengerbroughtmethatfromtownafewhoursago。
Louisareads。ByanexpressfromPortsmouth，weheartheBombayCastleEastIndiamanislost，withallyourfortuneonboard。ALL！I
hopethereissomethingleftforyoutoliveupon。
Mrs。Talb。About15Opoundsayearforusall。
Louisa。Thatisenough，isitnot，forYOU？
Mrs。Talb。Forme，love？Iamanoldwoman，andwantbutlittleinthisworld，andshallbesoonoutofit。
Louisakneelsdownbesideher。Donotspeakso，dearestmother。
Mrs。Talb。Enoughforme，love！Yes，enough，andtoomuchforme。Iamnotthinkingofmyself。
Louisa。Then，astomybrother，hehassuchabilities，andsuchindustry，hewillmakeafortuneatthebarforhimself，mostcertainly。
Mrs。Talb。Buthiseducationisnotcompleted。HowshallweprovidehimwithmoneyatCambridge？
Louisa。ThisMontem。Thelasttimethecaptainhadeighthundred，thetimebeforeathousand，pounds。Oh，Ihope——Ifear！Now，indeed，Iknowthat，withoutbeingavaricious，wemaywant，andwishformoney。
Landlady’svoiceheardbehindthescenes。
Landlady。Waiter！——MissBursal’scurricle，andMr。Bursal’svis-a-vis。
Run！seethattheDolphin’sempty。Isayrun！——run！
Mrs。Talb。Iwillrestforafewmomentsuponthesofa，inthisbedchamber，beforewesetoff。
Louisagoestoopenthedoor。Theyhaveboltedorlockedit。Howunlucky！Sheturnsthekey，andtriestounlockthedoor。
EnterWAITER。
Waiter。Ladies，I’msorry——MissBursalandMr。Bursalarecome——justcomingupstairs。
Mrs。Talb。Then，willyoubesogood，sir，astounlockthisdoor？
Waitertriestounlockthedoor。
Waiter。Itmustbeboltedontheinside。Chambermaid！Sally！Areyouwithinthere？Unboltthisdoor。
Mr。Bursal’svoicebehindthescenes。
Mr。Burs。Letmehaveabasinofgoodsoupdirectly。
Waiter。I’llgoroundandhavethedoorunboltedimmediately，ladies。
ExitWaiter。
EnterMISSBURSAL，inaridingdress，andwithalongwhip。
MissBursal。Thosecreatures，theponies，havea’mostpulledmy’andoff。Who’avewe’ere？Ha！Mrs。Talbot！Louisa，’owareye？I’msovastlygladtoseeyou。butI’msoshockedto’earofthelossoftheBombayCastle。Mrs。Talbot，youlookbutpoorly。butthisMontemwillputeverybodyinspirits。I’eareverybody’stobe’ere。andmybrothertellsme，’twillbethefinesteverseenatHEton。Louisa，mydear，I’msorryI’venotaseatforyouinmycurricleforto-morrow。butI’vepromisedLadyBetty。so，youknow，’tisimpossibleforme。
Louisa。Certainly。anditwouldbeimpossibleformetoleavemymotheratpresent。
Chambermaidopensthebedchamberdoor。Theroom’sreadynow，ladies。
Mrs。Talb。MissBursal，weintrudeuponyounolonger。
MissBurs。Nay，whydoyoudecamp，Mrs。Talbot？I’adathousandthingstosaytoyou，Louisa。butamsotiredandsoannoyed——
Seatsherself。ExeuntMrs。Talbot，LouisaandChambermaid。
EnterMR。BURSAL，withabasinofsoupinhishand。
Mr。Burs。Well，thankmystarstheAirlyCastleissafeintheDowns。
MissBurs。Mr。Bursal，canyouinformmewhyJoe，mygroom，doesnotmakehisappearance？
Mr。Burs。eatingandspeaking。Yes，thatIcan，child。becauseheiswithhis’orses，whereheoughttobe。’Tisfittheyshouldbelookedafterwell。fortheycostmeaprettypenny——morethantheirheadsareworth，andyoursintothebargain。butIwasresolved，asweweretocometothisMontem，tocomeinstyle。
MissBurs。Instyle，tobesure。foralltheworld’stobehere——theKing，thePrinceofWHales，andDukeo’York，andallthefirstpeople。
andweshallcutadash！Dash！dash！willbethewordto-morrow！——
playingwithherwhip。
Mr。Burs。aside。Dash！dash！ay，justlikeherbrother。He’llpayawayfinely，Iwarrant，bythetimehe’sherage。Well，well，hecanaffordit。andIdolovetoseemychildrenmakeafigurefortheirmoney。AsJackBursalsays，what’smoneyfor，ifite’nttomakeafigure。Aloud。There’syour，brotherJack，now。Theextravagantdog！
he’llhavesuchadressasneverwasseen，Isuppose，atthishereMontem。Why，now，JackBursalspendsmoremoneyatEton，andhasmoretospend，thanmyLordJohn，thoughmyLordJohn’sthesonofamarchioness。
MissBurs。Oh，thatmakesnodifferencenowadays。IwonderwhetherherladyshipistobeatthisMontem。TheonlygoodIevergotoutofthesestupidTalbotswasanintroductiontotheirfriendLadyPiercefield。
WhatshecouldfindtolikeintheTalbots，heavenknows。I’veanotionshe’lldropthem，whenshehearsofthelossoftheBombayCastle。
EnteraWAITER，withanote。
Waiter。AnotefrommyLadyPiercefield，sir。
MissB。Charmingwoman！Isshehere，pray，sir？
Waiter。Justcome。Yes，ma’am。ExitWaiter。
MissB。Well，Mr。Bursal，whatisit？
Mr。B。reads。Businessofimportancetocommunicate——Hum！whatcanitbe？——going。
MissB。aside。Perhapssomematchtoproposeforme！Aloud。Mr。
Bursal，praybeforeyougotoherladyship，dosendmyOOMANtometomakemepresentable。ExitMissBursalatonedoor。
Mr。B。attheoppositedoor。Businessofimportance！Hum！I’mgladI’mpreparedwithagoodbasinofsoup。There’snodoingbusinesswelluponanemptystomach。Perhapsthebusinessistolendcash。andI’venogreatstomachforthat。Butitwillbeanhonour，tobesure。
Exit。
SCENEIII。
Landlady’sParlour。
LANDLADY——MR。FINSBURY，aman-milliner，withbandboxes——afancycap，orhelmet，withfeathers，intheLandlady’shand——asatinbag，coveredwithgoldnetting，intheman-milliner’shand——amantlehangingoverhisarm。
AroughlookingFarmerissittingwithhisbacktowardsthem，eatingbreadandcheese，andreadinganewspaper。
Landlady。Well，this，tobesure，willbethebestdressedMontemthateverwasseenatEton。andyouLon’ongentlemenhavethemostfashionablestnotions。andthisisthemostelegantestfancycap——
Finsbury。Why，asyouobserve，ma’m，thatisthemostelegantfancycapofthemall。ThatisMr。HectorHogmorton’sfancycap，ma’m。andhere，ma’m，isMr。Saul’srichsatinbag，coveredwithgoldnet。Heiscollegesaltbearer，Iunderstand，andhasaprodigioussuperbwhiteandgolddress。But，inmyhumbleopinion，ma’m，themarshal’swhiteandpurpleandorangefancydress，trimmedwithsilver，willbearthebell。though，indeed，Ishouldn’tsaythat，——forthecolonel’sandlieutenant’s，andensign’s，arebeautifulintheextreme。And，tobesure，nothingcouldbebetterimaginedthanMr。Marlborough’slilacandsilver，withaRomancap。AnditmustbeallowedthatnothinginnaturecanhaveabettereffectthanMr。Drake’sflesh-colourandblue，withthisSpanishhat，ma’m，yousee。
Thefarmerlooksoverhisshoulderfromtimetotimeduringthisspeech，withcontempt。
Farmerreadsthenewspaper。Frenchfleetatsea——Hum！
Landlady。Ogemini：Mr。Drake’sSpanishhatisthesweetest，tastiestthing！Mr。Finsbury，Iprotest——
Finsb。Why，ma’m，Iknewaladyofyourtastecouldn’tbutapproveofit。Myowninventionentirely，ma’m。Butit’snothingtothecaptain’scap，ma’m。Indeed，ma’m，Mr。Wheeler，thecaptainthatistobe，hastheprettiesttasteindress。Tobesure，hissandalsweremysuggestion。
butthemantlehehastheentirecreditof，todohimjustice。andwhenyouseeit，ma’m，youwillbereallysurprised。forforcontrast，andelegance，andrichness，andlightness，andpropriety，andeffect，andcostumeyou’veneveryetseenanythingatalltobecomparedtoCaptainWheeler’smantle，ma’m。
FarmertotheLandlady。Why，now，pray，Mrs。Landlady，howlongmayithavebeenthefashionformillinerstogoaboutinmen’sclothes？
LandladyasidetoFarmer。Lord，Mr。Hearty，hush！ThisisMr。
Finsbury，thegreatman-milliner。
Farm。Thegreatman-milliner！ThisisasightIneverthoughttoseeinOldEngland。
Finsb。packingupbandboxes。Well，ma’m，I’mgladIhaveyourapprobation。Ithaseverbeenmystudytopleasetheladies。
Farm。throwsafancymantleoverhisfriezecoat。Andisthisthewaytopleasetheladies，Mrs。Landlady，nowadays？
Finsb。takingoffthemantle。Sir，withyourleave——Iaskpardon——buttheleastthingdetrimentsthesetendercolours。andasyouhavejustbeeneatingcheesewithyourhands——
Farm。’Tismywaytoeatcheesewithmymouth，man。
Finsb。MAN！
Farm。Iaskpardon——man-milliner，Imean。
EnterLANDLORD。
Landlord。Why，wife！
Landlady。Wife！
Landlord。Iaskpardon——Mrs。Newington，Imean。DoyouknowwhothemladiesarethatyouhavebeenandturnedoutoftheDolphin？
Landladyalarmed。NotI，indeed。Whoarethey，pray？Why，iftheyarequalityit’snofaultofmine。Itistheirownfaultforcoming，likescrubs，withoutfourhorses。Why，ifqualitywilltraveltheroadthisway，incognito，howcantheyexpecttobeknownandtreatedasquality？’Tisnofaultofmine。Whydidn’tyoufindoutsoonerwhotheywere，Mr。Newington？Whatelse，inthe’versalworldhaveyoutodo，buttogobaskingaboutintheyardsandplaceswithyourtankardinyourhand，frommorningtillnight？Whathaveyouelsetoruminate，alldaylong，buttofindoutwho’swho，Isay？
Farm。Clapper！clapper！clapper！likemymillinahighwind，landlord。
Clapper！clapper！clapper！——enoughtostunabody。
Landlord。Thatisnotusedtoit。butuseisall，theysay。
Landlady。Willyouanswerme，Mr。Newington？WhoarethegrandeesthatwereintheDolphin？——andwhat’sbecomeonthem？
Landlord。Grandeeswasyourownword，wife。Theybenottocallgrandees。butIreckonyou’dbesorrynottotreat’emcivil，whenItellyoutheirnameisTalbot，motherandsistertoouryoungTalbot，ofEton。
hethatpaidmesohandsomeforthehunterthisverymorning。
Landlady。Mercy！isthatall？Whatacombustionfornothinginlife！
Finsb。Fornothinginlife，asyousay，ma’m。thatis，nothinginhighlife，I’msure，ma’m。nay，Idarea’mostventuretoswear。Wouldyoubelieveit，Mr。TalbotisoneofthefewyounggentlemenofEtonthathasnotbespokefrommeafancydressforthisgrandMontem？
Landlady。There，Mr。Newington。there’syourTalbotforyou！andthere’syourgrandees！Otrustme，Iknowyourscrubsatfirstsight。
Landlord。Scrubs，Idon’t，norcan’t，norwon’tcallthemthatpaytheirdebtshonestly。Scrubs，Idon’t，norwon’t，norcan’t，callthemthatbehaveashandsomeasyoungMr。Talbotdidheretomethismorningaboutthehunter。Ascrubheisnot，wife。Fancy-dressornofancy-dress，Mr。
Finsbury，thisyounggentlemanisnoscrub。
Finsb。Dearme！’TwasnotIsaidSCRUB。DidIsayscrub？
Farm。Nomatterifyoudid。
Finsb。Nomatter，certainly。andyetitisamatter。forI’mconfidentI
wouldn’tfortheworldleaveitinanyone’spowertosaythatIsaid——
thatIcalled——anyyounggentlemanofEtonaSCRUB！Why，youknow，sir，itmightbreedariot！
Farm。Andaprettyfigureyou’dmakeinariot！
Landlady。Prayletmehearnothingaboutriotsinmyhouse。
Farm。Noraboutscrubs。
Finsb。ButIbegleavetoexplain，gentlemen。AllIventuredtoremarkorsuggestwas，thatastherewassometalkofMr。Talbot’sbeingcaptainto-morrow，Ididn’tconceivehowhecouldwellappearwithoutanydress。
Thatwasall，uponmywordandhonour。Agoodmorningtoyou，gentlemen。
itistimeformetobeoff。Mrs。Newington，youweresoobligingastopromisetoaccommodatemewithareturnchaiseasfarasEton。
Finsburybowsandexit。
Farm。Agooddaytoyouandyourbandboxes。There’safellowforyounow！Ha！ha！ha！——Aman-milliner，forsooth！
Landlord。Mrs。Talbot’scoming——standback。
Landlady。Lord！whydoesBobshowthemthroughthisway？
EnterMRS。TALBOT，leaningonLOUISA。Waitershowingtheway。
Landlady。Youaregoingon，Isuppose，ma’am？
WaiterasidetoLandlord。Notifshecouldhelpit。butthere’snobeds，sinceMr。BursalandMissBursal’scome。
Landlord。Isaynothing，foritisvaintosaymore。Butisn’titapityshecan’tstayfortheMontem，pooroldlady！Herson——asgoodandfinealadaseveryousaw——theysay，hasachance，too，ofbeingcaptain。Shemayneverlivetoseeanothersuchasight。
AsMrs。Talbotwalksslowlyon，theFarmerputshimselfacrossherway，soastostophershort。
Farm。Nooffence，madam，Ihope。butIhaveagoodsnugfarmhouse，notfaroffhand。andifsobeyou’dbesogoodtotakeanight’slodging，youandtheyoungladywithyou，you’dhaveaheartywelcome。That’sallIcansayandyou’dmakemywifeveryhappy。forshe’sagoodwoman，tosaynothingofmyself。
Landlord。IfImaybesoboldtoputinmyword，madam，you’dhaveasgoodbeds，andbeaswelllodged，withFarmerHearty，asine’erahouseatSaltHill。
Mrs。Talb。Iamverymuchobliged——
Farm。O，saynothingo’that，madam。IamsureIshallbeasmuchobligedifyoudocome。Do，miss，speakforme。
Louisa。Pray，dearmother——
Farm。Shewill。Callsbehindthescenes。Here，waiter！hostler！
driver！what’syourname？drivethechaiseupheretothedoor，smart，close。Leanonmyarm，madam，andwe’llhaveyouinandhomeinawhiff。
ExeuntMrs。Talbot，Louisa，Farmer，LandlordandWaiter。
Landladysola。Whatanoiseandaroutthisfarmermanmakes！andmyhusband，withhisgreatbroadface，bowing，asgreatanincompoopast’other。Thefolksareallbewitchedwiththeoldwoman，Iverilybelieve。Aloud。Agoodmorningtoyou，ladies。
ENDOFTHEFIRSTACT。
ACTTHESECOND。
SCENEI。
AfieldnearEtonCollege——severalboyscrossingbackwardsandforwardsintheback-ground。Infront，TALBOT，WHEELER，LORDJOHNandBURSAL。
Talbot。Fairplay，Wheeler！Haveat’em，myboy！Theretheystand，fairgame！There’sBursalthere，withhisdeadforty-fivevotesatcommand。andLordJohnwithhis——howmanylivefriends？
LordJohncoolly。Sir，Ihavefifty-sixfriends，Ibelieve。
Talb。Fifty-sixfriends，hislordshipbelieves——Wheelerinclusive，nodoubt。
LordJ。That’sashereaftermaybe。
Wheeler。Hereafter！Oh，fie，myLUD！YouknowyourownWheelerhas，fromthefirstminuteheeversawyou，beenyourfastfriend。
Talb。Yourfastfriendfromthefirstminuteheeversawyou，mylord！
That’swellhit，Wheeler。sticktothat。stickfast。Fifty-sixfriends，WheelerINclusive，hey，mylord！hey，myLUD！
LordJ。TalbotEXclusive，Ifind，contrarytomyexpectations。
Talb。Ay，contrarytoyourexpectations，youfindthatTalbotisnotadogthatwilllickthedust：butthenthere’senoughofthetruespanielbreedtobehadforwhistlingfor。hey，Wheeler？
BursalasidetoWheeler。Aprettyelectioneerer。Somuchthebetterforyou，Wheeler。Why，unlessheboughtavote，he’dneverwinone，ifhetalkedfromthistothedayofjudgment。
WheelerasidetoBursal。Andashehasnomoneytobuyvotes——he！he！
he！——wearesafeenough。
Talb。That’swelldone，Wheeler。fighttheby-battletherewithBursal。
NowyouaresureofthemainwithLordJohn。
LordJ。Sure！InevermadeMr。Wheeleranypromiseyet。
Wheel。O。Iasknopromisefromhislordship。weareuponhonour：I
trustentirelytohislordship’sgoodnatureandgenerosity，andtohisregardforhisownfamily。Ihavingthehonour，thoughdistantly，toberelated。
LordJ。Related！How，Wheeler？
Wheel。Connected，Imean，whichisnextdoor，asImaysay，tobeingrelated。Relatedslippedoutbymistake。Ibegpardon，myLordJohn。
LordJ。Related！——astrangemistake，Wheeler。
Talb。Overshotyourself，Wheeler。overshotyourself，byallthat’sawkward。Andyet，tillnow，Ialwaystookyouforadead-shotatayellow-hammer。*
*YoungnoblemenatOxfordwearyellowtuftsatthetopsoftheircaps。
Hencetheirflatterersaresaidtobedead-shotsatyellow-hammers。
Wheel。takingBursalbythearm。Bursal，awordwithyou。AsidetoBursal。WhatalumpoffamilypridethatLordJohnis。
Talb。Keepoutofmyhearing，Wheeler，lestIshouldspoilsport。Butneverfear：you’llpleaseBursalsoonerthanIshall。Ican’t，forthesoulofme，bringmyselftosaythatBursal’snotpurse-proud，andyoucan。Giveyoujoy。
Burs。Achoiceelectioneerer！——ha！ha！ha！
Wheel。faintly。He！he！he！——achoiceelectioneerer，asyousay。
ExeuntWheelerandBursal。manentLordJ。andTalbot。
LordJ。Therewasatime，Talbot——
Talb。Therewasatime，mylord——tosavetroubleandalongexplanation——
therewasatimewhenyoulikedTalbotsbetterthanspaniels。youunderstandme？
LordJ。Ihavefounditverydifficulttounderstandyouoflate，Mr。
Talbot。
Talb。Yes，becauseyouhaveusedotherpeople’sunderstandingsinsteadofyourown。Beyourself，mylord。Seewithyourowneyes，andhearwithyourownears，andthenyou’llfindmestill，whatI’vebeenthesesevenyears。notyourunderstrapper，yourhanger-on，yourflatterer，butyourfriend！Ifyouchoosetohavemeforafriend，here’smyhand。I
amyourfriend，andyou’llnotfindabetter。
LordJ。givinghishand。Youareastrangefellow，Talbot。IthoughtI
nevercouldhaveforgivenyouforwhatyousaidlastnight。
Talb。What？forIdon’tkeeparegisterofmysayings。Oh，itwassomethingaboutgaming——Wheelerwasflatteringyourtasteforit，andheputmeintoapassion——IforgetwhatIsaid。But，whateveritwas，I’msureitwaswellmeant，andIbelieveitwaswellsaid。
LordJ。Butyoulaughatmesometimestomyface。
Talb。WouldyouratherIshouldlaughatyoubehindyourback？
Lord。J。ButofallthingsintheworldIhatetobelaughedat。Listentome，anddon’tfumbleinyourpocketswhileI’mtalkingtoyou。
Talb。I’mfumblingfor——oh，hereitis。Now，LordJohn，Ioncedidlaughatyoubehindyourback，andwhat’sdrollenough，itwasatyourbackIlaughed。Here’sacaricatureIdrewofyou——IreallyamsorryI
didit。but’tisbesttoshowittoyoumyself。
LordJ。aside。ItisallIcandotoforgivethis。Afterapause，hetearsthepaper。Ihaveheardofthiscaricaturebefore。butIdidnotexpect，Talbot，thatyouwouldcomeandshowittome，yourself，Talbot，sohandsomely，especiallyatsuchatimeasthis。Wheelermightwellsayyouareabadelectioneerer。
Talb。Oh，hangit！Iforgotmyelection，andyourfifty-sixfriends。
EnterRORYO’RYAN。
RoryclapsTalbotontheback。Fifty-sixfriends，haveyou，Talbot？
Sayseven——fifty-seven，Imean。forI’lllayyouawager，you’veforgetme。andthat’sashameforyou，too。foroutofthewholeposse-comitatusentirelynow，youhavenotastauncherfriendthanPoorlittleRoryO’Ryan。Andagoodrighthehastobefriendyou。foryoustoodbyhimwhenmanywhooughttohaveknownbetterwerehuntinghimdownforawildIrishman。NowthatsamewildIrishmanhasasmuchgratitudeinhimasanytameEnglishmanofthemall。Butdon’tlet’sbetalkingsintimint。
for，formyshareI’dnotgiveabogberryabushelforsintimint，whenI
couldgetanythingbetter。
LordJ。Andpray，sir，whatmayabogberrybe？
Rory。Phoo！don’tbeplayingtheinnocent，now。WherehaveyoulivedallyourlifeIaskpardon，myLARDnottoknowabogberrywhenyouseeorhearofit？TurnstoTalbot。Butwhatareyestandingidlingherefor？Sure，there’sWheeler，andBursalalongwithhim，canvassingoutyonderataterriblefinerate。Andhaven’tIbeenhuzzaingforyoutheretillI’mhoarse？SoIam，andjuststeppedawaytosuckanorangeformyvoice——sucksanorange。IamaTHOROUGHGOINGfriend，atanyrate。
Talb。Now，Rory，youarethebestfellowintheworld，andaTHOROUGH
GOINGfriend。buthaveacare，oryou’llgetyourselfandmeintosomescrape，beforeyouhavedonewiththisviolentTHOROUGHGOINGwork。
Rory。Neverfear！neverfear，man！——awarmfrindandabitterenemy，that’smymaxim。
Talb。Yes，buttoowarmafriendisasbadasabitterenemy。
Rory。Oh，neverfearme！I’mascoolasacucumberallthetime。andwhilsttheytinkI’mtinkingofnothinginlifebutmakinganoise，I
makemyownsnuglittleremarksinproseandverse，as——nowmyvoiceisaftercomingbacktome，youshallhear，ifyouplase。
Talb。Idoplease。