Whatasightforayoungmanoffifteenlikeme,whomtheoldmanadmittedastheonlyandsilentwitnessoftheseeroticscenes!Themiserablemotherapplaudedherdaughter’sreserve,andwentsofarastolecturetheelderlylover,who,inhisturn,darednotrefutehermaxims,whichsavouredeithertoomuchortoolittleofChristianity,andresistedaverystronginclinationtohurlatherheadanyobjecthehadathand。Angerwouldthentaketheplaceoflewddesires,andaftertheyhadretiredhewouldcomforthimselfbyexchangingwithmephilosophicalconsiderations。
Compelledtoanswerhim,andnotknowingwellwhattosay,Iventuredonedayuponadvisingamarriage。Hestruckmewithamazementwhenheansweredthatsherefusedtomarryhimfromfearofdrawinguponherselfthehatredofhisrelatives。
"Thenmakehertheofferofalargesumofmoney,oraposition。"
"Shesaysthatshewouldnot,evenforacrown,commitadeadlysin。"
"Inthatcase,youmusteithertakeherbystorm,orbanishherforeverfromyourpresence。"
"Icandoneitheronenortheother;physicalaswellasmoralstrengthisdeficientinme。"
"Killher,then。"
"ThatwillverylikelybethecaseunlessIdiefirst。"
"IndeedIpityyourexcellency。"
"Doyousometimesvisither?"
"No,forImightfallinlovewithher,andIwouldbemiserable。"
"Youareright。"
Witnessingmanysuchscenes,andtakingpartinmanysimilarconversations,Ibecameanespecialfavouritewiththeoldnobleman。
Iwasinvitedtohiseveningassemblieswhichwere,asIhavestatedbefore,frequentedbysuperannuatedwomenandwittymen。HetoldmethatinthiscircleIwouldlearnascienceofgreaterimportthanGassendi’sphilosophy,whichIwasthenstudyingbyhisadviceinsteadofAristotle’s,whichheturnedintoridicule。Helaiddownsomepreceptsformyconductinthoseassemblies,explainingthenecessityofmyobservingthem,astherewouldbesomewonderatayoungmanofmyagebeingreceivedatsuchparties。Heorderedmenevertoopenmylipsexcepttoanswerdirectquestions,andparticularlyenjoinedmenevertopassanopiniononanysubject,becauseatmyageIcouldnotbeallowedtohaveanyopinions。
Ifaithfullyfollowedhisprecepts,andobeyedhisorderssowell,thatinafewdaysIhadgainedhisesteem,andbecomethechildofthehouse,aswellasthefavouriteofalltheladieswhovisitedhim。Inmycharacterofayoungandinnocentecclesiastic,theywouldaskmetoaccompanythemintheirvisitstotheconventswheretheirdaughtersortheirnieceswereeducated;Iwasatallhoursreceivedattheirhouseswithoutevenbeingannounced;Iwasscoldedifaweekelapsedwithoutmycallinguponthem,andwhenIwenttotheapartmentsreservedfortheyoungladies,theywouldrunaway,butthemomenttheysawthattheintruderwasonlyI,theywouldreturnatonce,andtheirconfidencewasverycharmingtome。
Beforedinner,M。deMalipierowouldofteninquirefrommewhatadvantageswereaccruingtomefromthewelcomeIreceivedatthehandsoftherespectableladiesIhadbecomeacquaintedwithathishouse,takingcaretotellme,beforeIcouldhavetimetoanswer,thattheywereallendowedwiththegreatestvirtue,andthatIwouldgiveeverybodyabadopinionofmyself,ifIeverbreathedonewordofdisparagementtothehighreputationtheyallenjoyed。Inthiswayhewouldinculcateinmethewisepreceptofreserveanddiscretion。
Itwasatthesenator’shousethatImadetheacquaintanceofMadameManzoni,thewifeofanotarypublic,ofwhomIshallhavetospeakveryoften。Thisworthyladyinspiredmewiththedeepestattachment,andshegavemethewisestadvice。HadIfollowedit,andprofitedbyit,mylifewouldnothavebeenexposedtosomanystorms;itistruethatinthatcase,mylifewouldnotbeworthwriting。
Allthesefineacquaintancesamongstwomenwhoenjoyedthereputationofbeinghigh—bredladies,gavemeaverynaturaldesiretoshinebymygoodlooksandbytheeleganceofmydress;butmyfatherconfessor,aswellasmygrandmother,objectedverystronglytothisfeelingofvanity。Ononeoccasion,takingmeapart,thecuratetoldme,withhoneyedwords,thatintheprofessiontowhichIhaddevotedmyselfmythoughtsoughttodwelluponthebestmeansofbeingagreeabletoGod,andnotonpleasingtheworldbymyfineappearance。Hecondemnedmyelaboratecurls,andtheexquisiteperfumeofmypomatum。Hesaidthatthedevilhadgotholdofmebythehair,thatIwouldbeexcommunicatedifIcontinuedtotakesuchcareofit,andconcludedbyquotingformybenefitthesewordsfromanoecumenicalcouncil:’clericusquinutritcoman,anathemasit’。
Iansweredhimwiththenamesofseveralfashionableperfumedabbots,whowerenotthreatenedwithexcommunication,whowerenotinterferedwith,althoughtheyworefourtimesasmuchpowderasIdid——forI
onlyusedaslightsprinkling——whoperfumedtheirhairwithacertainamber—scentedpomatumwhichbroughtwomentotheverypointoffainting,whilemine,ajessaminepomade,calledforththecomplimentofeverycircleinwhichIwasreceived。IaddedthatIcouldnot,muchtomyregret,obeyhim,andthatifIhadmeanttoliveinslovenliness,IwouldhavebecomeaCapuchinandnotanabbe。
Myanswermadehimsoangrythat,threeorfourdaysafterwards,hecontrivedtoobtainleavefrommygrandmothertoentermychamberearlyinthemorning,beforeIwasawake,and,approachingmybedontiptoewithasharppairofscissors,hecutoffunmercifullyallmyfronthair,fromoneeartotheother。MybrotherFrancoiswasintheadjoiningroomandsawhim,buthedidnotinterfereashewasdelightedatmymisfortune。Heworeawig,andwasveryjealousofmybeautifulheadofhair。Francoiswasenviousthroughthewholeofhislife;yethecombinedthisfeelingofenvywithfriendship;I
nevercouldunderstandhim;butthisviceofhis,likemyownvices,mustbythistimehavediedofoldage。
Afterhisgreatoperation,theabbeleftmyroomquietly,butwhenI
wokeupshortlyafterwards,andrealizedallthehorrorofthisunheard—ofexecution,myrageandindignationwereindeedwroughttothehighestpitch。
Whatwildschemesofrevengemybrainengenderedwhile,withalooking—glassinmyhand,Iwasgroaningovertheshamefulhavocperformedbythisaudaciouspriest!AtthenoiseImademygrandmotherhastenedtomyroom,andamidstmybrother’slaughterthekindoldwomanassuredmethatthepriestwouldneverhavebeenallowedtoentermyroomifshecouldhaveforeseenhisintention,andshemanagedtosoothemypassiontosomeextentbyconfessingthathehadover—steppedthelimitsofhisrighttoadministerareproof。
ButIwasdetermineduponrevenge,andIwentondressingmyselfandrevolvinginmymindthedarkestplots。ItseemedtomethatIwasentitledtothemostcruelrevenge,withouthavinganythingtodreadfromtheterrorsofthelaw。ThetheatresbeingopenatthattimeI
putonamasktogoout,andI,wenttotheadvocateCarrare,withwhomIhadbecomeacquaintedatthesenator’shouse,toinquirefromhimwhetherIcouldbringasuitagainstthepriest。Hetoldmethat,butashorttimesince,afamilyhadbeenruinedforhavingshearedthemoustacheofaSclavonian——acrimenotnearlysoatrociousastheshearingofallmyfrontlocks,andthatIhadonlytogivehimmyinstructionstobeginacriminalsuitagainsttheabbe,whichwouldmakehimtremble。Igavemyconsent,andbeggedthathewouldtellM。deMalipierointheeveningthereasonforwhichIcouldnotgotohishouse,forIdidnotfeelanyinclinationtoshowmyselfanywhereuntilmyhairhadgrownagain。
IwenthomeandpartookwithmybrotherofarepastwhichappearedratherscantyincomparisontothedinnersIhadwiththeoldsenator。Theprivationofthedelicateandplentifulfaretowhichhisexcellencyhadaccustomedmewasmostpainful,besidesalltheenjoymentsfromwhichIwasexcludedthroughtheatrociousconductofthevirulentpriest,whowasmygodfather。Iweptfromsheervexation;andmyragewasincreasedbytheconsciousnessthattherewasinthisinsultacertaindashofcomicalfunwhichthrewovermearidiculemoredisgracefulinmyestimationthanthegreatestcrime。
Iwenttobedearly,and,refreshedbytenhoursofprofoundslumber,Ifeltinthemorningsomewhatlessangry,butquiteasdeterminedtosummonthepriestbeforeacourt。Idressedmyselfwiththeintentionofcallinguponmyadvocate,whenIreceivedthevisitofaskilfulhair—dresserwhomIhadseenatMadameCantarini’shouse。HetoldmethathewassentbyM。deMalipierotoarrangemyhairsothatIcouldgoout,asthesenatorwishedmetodinewithhimonthatveryday。Heexaminedthedamagedonetomyhead,andsaid,withasmile,thatifIwouldtrusttohisart,hewouldundertaketosendmeoutwithanappearanceofevengreaterelegancethanIcouldboastofbefore;andtruly,whenhehaddone,Ifoundmyselfsogood—
lookingthatIconsideredmythirstforrevengeentirelysatisfied。
Havingthusforgottentheinjury,Icalleduponthelawyertotellhimtostayallproceedings,andIhastenedtoM。deMalipiero’spalace,where,aschancewouldhaveit,Imettheabbe。
Notwithstandingallmyjoy,Icouldnothelpcastinguponhimratherunfriendlylooks,butnotawordwassaidaboutwhathadtakenplace。
Thesenatornoticedeverything,andthepriesttookhisleave,mostlikelywithfeelingsofmortifiedrepentance,forthistimeImostverilydeservedexcommunicationbytheextremestudiedeleganceofmycurlinghair。
Whenmycruelgodfatherhadleftus,IdidnotdissemblewithM。deMalipiero;IcandidlytoldhimthatIwouldlookoutforanotherchurch,andthatnothingwouldinducemetoremainunderapriestwho,inhiswrath,couldgothelengthofsuchproceedings。Thewiseoldmanagreedwithme,andsaidthatIwasquiteright:itwasthebestwaytomakemedoultimatelywhateverheliked。Intheeveningeveryoneinourcircle,beingwellawareofwhathadhappened,complimentedme,andassuredmethatnothingcouldbehandsomerthanmynewhead—dress。Iwasdelighted,andwasstillmoregratifiedwhen,afterafortnighthadelapsed,IfoundthatM。deMalipierodidnotbroachthesubjectofmyreturningtomygodfather’schurch。Mygrandmotheraloneconstantlyurgedmetoreturn。Butthiscalmwastheharbingerofastorm。Whenmymindwasthoroughlyatrestonthatsubject,M。deMalipierothrewmeintothegreatestastonishmentbysuddenlytellingmethatanexcellentopportunityoffereditselfformetoreappearinthechurchandtosecureamplesatisfactionfromtheabbe。
"Itismyprovince,"addedthesenator,"aspresidentoftheConfraternityoftheHolySacrament,tochoosethepreacherwhoistodeliverthesermononthefourthSundayofthismonth,whichhappenstobethesecondChristmasholiday。Imeantoappointyou,andIamcertainthattheabbewillnotdaretorejectmychoice。Whatsayyoutosuchatriumphantreappearance?Doesitsatisfyyou?"
Thisoffercausedmethegreatestsurprise,forIhadneverdreamtofbecomingapreacher,andIhadneverbeenvainenoughtosupposethatIcouldwriteasermonanddeliveritinthechurch。ItoldM。deMalipierothathemustsurelybeenjoyingajokeatmyexpense,butheansweredthathehadspokeninearnest,andhesooncontrivedtopersuademeandtomakemebelievethatIwasborntobecomethemostrenownedpreacherofourageassoonasIshouldhavegrownfat——aqualitywhichIcertainlycouldnotboastof,foratthattimeIwasextremelythin。Ihadnottheshadowofafearastomyvoiceortomyelocution,andforthematterofcomposingmysermonIfeltmyselfequaltotheproductionofamasterpiece。
ItoldM。deMalipierothatIwasready,andanxioustobeathomeinordertogotowork;that,althoughnotheologian,Iwasacquaintedwithmysubject,andwouldcomposeasermonwhichwouldtakeeveryonebysurpriseonaccountofitsnovelty。
Onthefollowingday,whenIcalleduponhim,heinformedmethattheabbehadexpressedunqualifieddelightatthechoicemadebyhim,andatmyreadinessinacceptingtheappointment;buthelikewisedesiredthatIshouldsubmitmysermontohimassoonasitwaswritten,becausethesubjectbelongingtothemostsublimetheologyhecouldnotallowmetoenterthepulpitwithoutbeingsatisfiedthatIwouldnotutteranyheresies。Iagreedtothisdemand,andduringtheweekIgavebirthtomymasterpiece。Ihavenowthatfirstsermoninmypossession,andIcannothelpsayingthat,consideringmytenderyears,Ithinkitaverygoodone。
Icouldnotgiveanideaofmygrandmother’sjoy;shewepttearsofhappinessathavingagrandsonwhohadbecomeanapostle。Sheinsisteduponmyreadingmysermontoher,listenedtoitwithherbeadsinherhands,andpronounceditverybeautiful。M。deMalipiero,whohadnorosarywhenIreadittohim,wasofopinionthatitwouldnotproveacceptabletotheparson。MytextwasfromHorace:’Ploraveresuisnonresponderefavoremsperdtummeritis’;andIdeploredthewickednessandingratitudeofmen,throughwhichhadfailedthedesignadoptedbyDivinewisdomfortheredemptionofhumankind。ButM。deMalipierowassorrythatIhadtakenmytextfromanyhereticalpoet,althoughhewaspleasedthatmysermonwasnotinterlardedwithLatinquotations。
Icalleduponthepriesttoreadmyproduction;butashewasoutI
hadtowaitforhisreturn,andduringthattimeIfellinlovewithhisniece,Angela。Shewasbusyuponsometambourwork;Isatdownclosebyher,andtellingmethatshehadlongdesiredtomakemyacquaintance,shebeggedmetorelatethehistoryofthelocksofhairshearedbyhervenerableuncle。
MyloveforAngelaprovedfataltome,becausefromitsprangtwootherloveaffairswhich,intheirturn,gavebirthtoagreatmanyothers,andcausedmefinallytorenouncetheChurchasaprofession。
Butletusproceedquietly,andnotencroachuponfutureevents。
Onhisreturnhometheabbefoundmewithhisniece,whowasaboutmyage,andhedidnotappeartobeangry。Igavehimmysermon:hereaditover,andtoldmethatitwasabeautifulacademicaldissertation,butunfitforasermonfromthepulpit,andheadded,"Iwillgiveyouasermonwrittenbymyself,whichIhaveneverdelivered;youwillcommitittomemory,andIpromisetoleteverybodysupposethatitisofyourowncomposition。"
"Ithankyou,veryreverendfather,butIwillpreachmyownsermon,ornoneatall。"
"Atallevents,youshallnotpreachsuchasermonasthisinmychurch。"
"YoucantalkthematteroverwithM。deMalipiero。InthemeantimeIwilltakemyworktothecensorship,andtoHisEminencethePatriarch,andifitisnotacceptedIshallhaveitprinted。"
"Allverywell,youngman。Thepatriarchwillcoincidewithme。"
IntheeveningIrelatedmydiscussionwiththeparsonbeforealltheguestsofM。deMalipiero。Thereadingofmysermonwascalledfor,anditwaspraisedbyall。TheylaudedmeforhavingwithpropermodestyrefrainedfromquotingtheholyfathersoftheChurch,whomatmyageIcouldnotbesupposedtohavesufficientlystudied,andtheladiesparticularlyadmiredmebecausetherewasnoLatininitbuttheTextfromHorace,who,althoughagreatlibertinehimself,haswrittenverygoodthings。Anieceofthepatriarch,whowaspresentthatevening,promisedtoprepareheruncleinmyfavour,asIhadexpressedmyintentiontoappealtohim;butM。deMalipierodesiredmenottotakeanystepsinthematteruntilIhadseenhimonthefollowingday,andIsubmissivelybowedtohiswishes。
WhenIcalledathismansionthenextdayhesentforthepriest,whosoonmadehisappearance。Asheknewwellwhathehadbeensentfor,heimmediatelylaunchedoutintoaverylongdiscourse,whichIdidnotinterrupt,butthemomenthehadconcludedhislistofobjectionsItoldhimthattherecouldnotbetwowaystodecidethequestion;
thatthepatriarchwouldeitherapproveordisapprovemysermon。
"Inthefirstcase,"Iadded,"Icanpronounceitinyourchurch,andnoresponsibilitycanpossiblyfalluponyourshoulders;inthesecond,Imust,ofcourse,giveway。"
Theabbewasstruckbymydeterminationandhesaid,"Donotgotothepatriarch;Iacceptyoursermon;Ionlyrequestyoutochangeyourtext。Horacewasavillain。"
"WhydoyouquoteSeneca,Tertullian,Origen,andBoethius?Theywereallheretics,andmust,consequently,beconsideredbyyouasworsewretchesthanHorace,who,afterall,neverhadthechanceofbecomingaChristian!"
However,asIsawitwouldpleaseM。deMalipiero,Ifinallyconsentedtoaccept,asasubstituteformine,atextofferedbytheabbe,althoughitdidnotsuitinanywaythespiritofmyproduction;andinordertogetanopportunityforavisittohisniece,Igavehimmymanuscript,sayingthatIwouldcallforitthenextday。MyvanitypromptedmetosendacopytoDoctorGozzi,butthegoodmancausedmemuchamusementbyreturningitandwritingthatImusthavegonemad,andthatifIwereallowedtodeliversuchasermonfromthepulpitIwouldbringdishonouruponmyselfaswellasuponthemanwhohadeducatedme。
Icaredbutlittleforhisopinion,andontheappointeddayI
deliveredmysermonintheChurchoftheHolySacramentinthepresenceofthebestsocietyofVenice。Ireceivedmuchapplause,andeveryonepredictedthatIwouldcertainlybecomethefirstpreacherofourcentury,asnoyoungecclesiasticoffifteenhadeverbeenknowntopreachaswellasIhaddone。Itiscustomaryforthefaithfultodeposittheirofferingsforthepreacherinapursewhichishandedtothemforthatpurpose。
Thesextonwhoemptieditofitscontentsfoundinitmorethanfiftysequins,andseveralbillets—doux,tothegreatscandaloftheweakerbrethren。Ananonymousnoteamongstthem,thewriterofwhichI
thoughtIhadguessed,letmeintoamistakewhichIthinkbetternottorelate。Thisrichharvest,inmygreatpenury,causedmetoentertainseriousthoughtsofbecomingapreacher,andIconfidedmyintentiontotheparson,requestinghisassistancetocarryitintoexecution。Thisgavemetheprivilegeofvisitingathishouseeveryday,andIimprovedtheopportunityofconversingwithAngela,forwhommylovewasdailyincreasing。ButAngelawasvirtuous。Shedidnotobjecttomylove,butshewishedmetorenouncetheChurchandtomarryher。Inspiteofmyinfatuationforher,Icouldnotmakeupmymindtosuchastep,andIwentonseeingherandcourtingherinthehopethatshewouldalterherdecision。
Thepriest,whohadatlastconfessedhisadmirationformyfirstsermon,askedme,sometimeafterwards,toprepareanotherforSt。
Joseph’sDay,withaninvitationtodeliveritonthe19thofMarch,1741。Icomposedit,andtheabbespokeofitwithenthusiasm,butfatehaddecidedthatIshouldneverpreachbutonceinmylife。Itisasadtale,unfortunatelyformeverytrue,whichsomepersonsarecruelenoughtoconsiderveryamusing。
Youngandratherself—conceited,Ifanciedthatitwasnotnecessaryformetospendmuchtimeincommittingmysermontomemory。Beingtheauthor,Ihadalltheideascontainedinmyworkclassifiedinmymind,anditdidnotseemtomewithintherangeofpossibilitiesthatIcouldforgetwhatIhadwritten。PerhapsImightnotremembertheexactwordsofasentence,butIwasatlibertytoreplacethembyotherexpressionsasgood,andasIneverhappenedtobeataloss,ortobestruckdumb,whenIspokeinsociety,itwasnotlikelythatsuchanuntowardaccidentwouldbefallmebeforeanaudienceamongstwhomIdidnotknowanyonewhocouldintimidatemeandcausemesuddenlytolosethefacultyofreasonorofspeech。I
thereforetookmypleasureasusual,beingsatisfiedwithreadingmysermonmorningandevening,inordertoimpressituponmymemorywhichuntilthenhadneverbetrayedme。
The19thofMarchcame,andonthateventfuldayatfouro’clockintheafternoonIwastoascendthepulpit;but,believingmyselfquitesecureandthoroughlymasterofmysubject,IhadnotthemoralcouragetodenymyselfthepleasureofdiningwithCountMont—Real,whowasthenresidingwithme,andwhohadinvitedthepatricianBarozzi,engagedtobemarriedtohisdaughteraftertheEasterholidays。
Iwasstillenjoyingmyselfwithmyfinecompany,whenthesextonofthechurchcameintotellmethattheywerewaitingformeinthevestry。Withafullstomachandmyheadratherheated,Itookmyleave,rantothechurch,andenteredthepulpit。Iwentthroughtheexordiumwithcredittomyself,andItookbreathingtime;butscarcelyhadIpronouncedthefirstsentencesofthenarration,beforeIforgotwhatIwassaying,whatIhadtosay,andinmyendeavourstoproceed,IfairlywanderedfrommysubjectandIlostmyselfentirely。Iwasstillmorediscomfortedbyahalf—repressedmurmuroftheaudience,asmydeficiencyappearedevident。Severalpersonsleftthechurch,othersbegantosmile,Ilostallpresenceofmindandeveryhopeofgettingoutofthescrape。
IcouldnotsaywhetherIfeignedafaintingfit,orwhetherItrulyswooned;allIknowisthatIfelldownonthefloorofthepulpit,strikingmyheadagainstthewall,withaninwardprayerforannihilation。
Twooftheparishclerkscarriedmetothevestry,andafterafewmoments,withoutaddressingawordtoanyone,Itookmycloakandmyhat,andwenthometolockmyselfinmyroom。Iimmediatelydressedmyselfinashortcoat,afterthefashionoftravellingpriests,I
packedafewthingsinatrunk,obtainedsomemoneyfrommygrandmother,andtookmydepartureforPadua,whereIintendedtopassmythirdexamination。IreachedPaduaatmidnight,andwenttoDoctorGozzi’shouse,butIdidnotfeeltheslightesttemptationtomentiontohimmyunluckyadventure。
IremainedinPadualongenoughtopreparemyselfforthedoctor’sdegree,whichIintendedtotakethefollowingyear,andafterEasterIreturnedtoVenice,wheremymisfortunewasalreadyforgotten;butpreachingwasoutofthequestion,andwhenanyattemptwasmadetoinducemetorenewmyefforts,Imanfullykepttomydeterminationnevertoascendthepulpitagain。
OntheeveofAscensionDayM。Manzoniintroducedmetoayoungcourtesan,whowasatthattimeingreatreputeatVenice,andwasnick—namedCavamacchia,becauseherfatherhadbeenascourer。Thisnamedvexedheragreatdeal,shewishedtobecalledPreati,whichwasherfamilyname,butitwasallinvain,andtheonlyconcessionherfriendswouldmakewastocallherbyherChristiannameofJuliette。ShehadbeenintroducedtofashionablenoticebytheMarquisdeSanvitali,anoblemanfromParma,whohadgivenheronehundredthousandducatsforherfavours。HerbeautywasthenthetalkofeverybodyinVenice,anditwasfashionabletocalluponher。
Toconversewithher,andespeciallytobeadmittedintohercircle,wasconsideredagreatboon。
AsIshallhavetomentionherseveraltimesinthecourseofmyhistory,myreaderswill,Itrust,allowmetoenterintosomeparticularsaboutherpreviouslife。
JuliettewasonlyfourteenyearsofagewhenherfathersentheronedaytothehouseofaVenetiannobleman,MarcoMuazzo,withacoatwhichhehadcleanedforhim。Hethoughtherverybeautifulinspiteofthedirtyragsinwhichshewasdressed,andhecalledtoseeheratherfather’sshop,withafriendofhis,thecelebratedadvocate,BastienUccelli,who;struckbytheromanticandcheerfulnatureofJuliettestillmorethanbyherbeautyandfinefigure,gaveheranapartment,madeherstudymusic,andkeptherashismistress。Atthetimeofthefair,Bastientookherwithhimtovariouspublicplacesofresort;everywheresheattractedgeneralattention,andsecuredtheadmirationofeveryloverofthesex。Shemaderapidprogressinmusic,andattheendofsixmonthsshefeltsufficientconfidenceinherselftosignanengagementwithatheatricalmanagerwhotookhertoViennatogivehera’castrato’partinoneofMetastasio’soperas。
TheadvocatehadpreviouslycededhertoawealthyJewwho,aftergivinghersplendiddiamonds,leftheralso。
InVienna,Julietteappearedonthestage,andherbeautygainedforheranadmirationwhichshewouldneverhaveconqueredbyherveryinferiortalent。Buttheconstantcrowdofadorerswhowenttoworshipthegoddess,havingsoundedherexploitsrathertooloudly,theaugustMaria—Theresaobjectedtothisnewcreedbeingsanctionedinhercapital,andthebeautfiulactressreceivedanordertoquitViennaforthwith。
CountSpadaofferedherhisprotection,andbroughtherbacktoVenice,butshesoonleftforPaduawhereshehadanengagement。InthatcityshekindledthefireofloveinthebreastofMarquisSanvitali,butthemarchionesshavingcaughtheronceinherownbox,andJuliettehavingacteddisrespectfullytoher,sheslappedherface,andtheaffairhavingcausedagooddealofnoise,Juliettegaveupthestagealtogether。ShecamebacktoVenice,where,madeconspicuousbyherbanishmentfromVienna,shecouldnotfailtomakeherfortune。ExpulsionfromVienna,forthisclassofwomen,hadbecomeatitletofashionablefavour,andwhentherewasawishtodepreciateasingeroradancer,itwassaidofherthatshehadnotbeensufficientlyprizedtobeexpelledfromVienna。
Afterherreturn,herfirstloverwasSteffanoQuerinidePapozzes,butinthespringof1740,theMarquisdeSanvitalicametoVeniceandsooncarriedheroff。Itwasindeeddifficulttoresistthisdelightfulmarquis!Hisfirstpresenttothefairladywasasumofonehundredthousandducats,and,topreventhisbeingaccusedofweaknessoroflavishprodigality,heloudlyproclaimedthatthepresentcouldscarcelymakeupfortheinsultJuliettehadreceivedfromhiswife——aninsult,however,whichthecourtesanneveradmitted,asshefeltthattherewouldbehumiliationinsuchanacknowledgment,andshealwaysprofessedtoadmirewithgratitudeherlover’sgenerosity。Shewasright;theadmissionoftheblowreceivedwouldhaveleftastainuponhercharms,andhowmuchmoretohertastetoallowthosecharmstobeprizedatsuchahighfigure!
Itwasintheyear1741thatM。ManzoniintroducedmetothisnewPhryneasayoungecclesiasticwhowasbeginningtomakeareputation。Ifoundhersurroundedbysevenoreightwell—seasonedadmirers,whowereburningatherfeettheincenseoftheirflattery。
ShewascarelesslyrecliningonasofanearQuerini。Iwasmuchstruckwithherappearance。Sheeyedmefromheadtofoot,asifI
hadbeenexposedforsale,andtellingme,withtheairofaprincess,thatshewasnotsorrytomakemyacquaintance,sheinvitedmetotakeaseat。Ibeganthen,inmyturn,toexaminehercloselyanddeliberately,anditwasaneasymatter,astheroom,althoughsmall,waslightedwithatleasttwentywaxcandles。
Juliettewastheninhereighteenthyear;thefreshnessofhercomplexionwasdazzling,butthecarnationtintofhercheeks,thevermilionofherlips,andthedark,verynarrowcurveofhereyebrows,impressedmeasbeingproducedbyartratherthannature。
Herteeth——tworowsofmagnificentpearls——madeoneoverlookthefactthathermouthwassomewhattoolarge,andwhetherfromhabit,orbecauseshecouldnothelpit,sheseemedtobeeversmiling。Herbosom,hidunderalightgauze,invitedthedesiresoflove;yetI
didnotsurrendertohercharms。Herbraceletsandtheringswhichcoveredherfingersdidnotpreventmefromnoticingthatherhandwastoolargeandtoofleshy,andinspiteofhercarefullyhidingherfeet,Ijudged,byatelltaleslipperlyingclosebyherdress,thattheywerewellproportionedtotheheightofherfigure——aproportionwhichisunpleasantnotonlytotheChineseandSpaniards,butlikewisetoeverymanofrefinedtaste。Wewantatallwomentohaveasmallfoot,andcertainlyitisnotamoderntaste,forHolofernesofoldwasofthesameopinion;otherwisehewouldnothavethoughtJudithsocharming:’etsandalidejusrapueruntoculosejus’。AltogetherIfoundherbeautiful,butwhenIcomparedherbeautyandthepriceofonehundredthousandducatspaidforit,I
marvelledatmyremainingsocold,andatmynotbeingtemptedtogiveevenonesequinfortheprivilegeofmakingfromnatureastudyofthecharmswhichherdressconcealedfrommyeyes。
Ihadscarcelybeenthereaquarterofanhourwhenthenoisemadebytheoarsofagondolastrikingthewaterheraldedtheprodigalmarquis。Weallrosefromourseats,andM。Querinihastened,somewhatblushing,toquithisplaceonthesofa。M。deSanvitali,amanofmiddleage,whohadtravelledmuch,tookaseatnearJuliette,butnotonthesofa,soshewascompelledtoturnround。
Itgavemetheopportunityofseeingherfullfront,whileIhadbeforeonlyasideviewofherface。
AftermyintroductiontoJuliette,Ipaidherfourorfivevisits,andIthoughtmyselfjustified,bythecareIhadgiventotheexaminationofherbeauty,insayinginM。deMalipiero’sdraw—room,oneevening,whenmyopinionaboutherwasasked,thatshecouldpleaseonlyagluttonwithdepravedtastes;thatshehadneitherthefascinationofsimplenaturenoranyknowledgeofsociety,thatshewasdeficientinwell—bred,easymannersaswellasinstrikingtalentsandthatthosewerethequalitieswhichathoroughgentlemanlikedtofindinawoman。Thisopinionmetthegeneralapprobationofhisfriends,butM。deMalipierokindlywhisperedtomethatJuliettewouldcertainlybeinformedoftheportraitIhaddrawnofher,andthatshewouldbecomemyswornenemy。Hehadguessedrightly。
IthoughtJulietteverysingular,forsheseldomspoketome,andwhenevershelookedatmeshemadeuseofaneye—glass,orshecontractedhereye—lids,asifshewishedtodenymethehonourofseeinghereyes,whichwerebeyondalldisputeverybeautiful。Theywereblue,wondrouslylargeandfull,andtintedwiththatunfathomablevariegatediriswhichnatureonlygivestoyouth,andwhichgenerallydisappears,afterhavingworkedmiracles,whentheownerreachestheshadysideofforty。FredericktheGreatpreservedituntilhisdeath。
JuliettewasinformedoftheportraitIhadgivenofhertoM。deMalipiero’sfriendsbytheindiscreetpensioner,XavierCortantini。
OneeveningIcalleduponherwithM。Manzoni,andshetoldhimthatawonderfuljudgeofbeautyhadfoundflawsinhers,butshetookgoodcarenottospecifythem。Itwasnotdifficulttomakeoutthatshewasindirectlyfiringatme,andIpreparedmyselffortheostracismwhichIwasexpecting,butwhich,however,shekeptinabeyancefullyforanhour。Atlast,ourconversationfallinguponaconcertgivenafewdaysbeforebyImer,theactor,andinwhichhisdaughter,Therese,hadtakenabrilliantpart,JulietteturnedroundtomeandinquiredwhatM。deMalipierodidforTherese。Isaidthathewaseducatingher。"Hecanwelldoit,"sheanswered,"forheisamanoftalent;butIshouldliketoknowwhathecandowithyou?"
"Whateverhecan。"
"Iamtoldthathethinksyouratherstupid。"
Asamatterofcourse,shehadthelaughonherside,andI,confused,uncomfortableandnotknowingwhattosay,tookleaveafterhavingcutaverysorryfigure,anddeterminedneveragaintodarkenherdoor。Thenextdayatdinnertheaccountofmyadventurecausedmuchamusementtotheoldsenator。
Throughoutthesummer,IcarriedonacourseofPlatoniclovewithmycharmingAngelaatthehouseofherteacherofembroidery,butherextremereserveexcitedme,andmylovehadalmostbecomeatormenttomyself。Withmyardentnature,IrequiredamistresslikeBettina,whoknewhowtosatisfymylovewithoutwearingitout。I
stillretainedsomefeelingsofpurity,andIentertainedthedeepestvenerationforAngela。ShewasinmyeyestheverypalladiumofCecrops。Stillveryinnocent,Ifeltsomedisinclinationtowardswomen,andIwassimpleenoughtobejealousofeventheirhusbands。
Angelawouldnotgrantmetheslightestfavour,yetshewasnoflirt;
butthefirebeginninginmeparchedandwitheredme。ThepatheticentreatieswhichIpouredoutofmyhearthadlesseffectuponherthanupontwoyoungsisters,hercompanionsandfriends:hadInotconcentratedeverylookofmineupontheheartlessgirl,Imighthavediscoveredthatherfriendsexcelledherinbeautyandinfeeling,butmyprejudicedeyessawnoonebutAngela。Toeveryoutpouringofmylovesheansweredthatshewasquitereadytobecomemywife,andthatsuchwastobethelimitofmywishes;whenshecondescendedtoaddthatshesufferedasmuchasIdidmyself,shethoughtshehadbestoweduponmethegreatestoffavours。
Suchwasthestateofmymind,when,inthefirstdaysofautumn,I
receivedaletterfromtheCountessdeMont—RealwithaninvitationtospendsometimeatherbeautifulestateatPasean。Sheexpectedmanyguests,andamongthemherowndaughter,whohadmarriedaVenetiannobleman,andwhohadagreatreputationforwitandbeauty,althoughshehadbutoneeye;butitwassobeautifulthatitmadeupforthelossoftheother。Iacceptedtheinvitation,andPaseanofferingmeaconstantroundofpleasures,itwaseasyenoughformetoenjoymyself,andtoforgetforthetimetherigoursofthecruelAngela。
Iwasgivenaprettyroomonthegroundfloor,openinguponthegardensofPasean,andIenjoyeditscomfortswithoutcaringtoknowwhomyneighbourswere。
Themorningaftermyarrival,attheverymomentIawoke,myeyesweredelightedwiththesightofthecharmingcreaturewhobroughtmemycoffee。Shewasaveryyounggirl,butaswellformedasayoungpersonofseventeen;yetshehadscarcelycompletedherfourteenthyear。Thesnowofhercomplexion,herhairasdarkastheraven’swing,herblackeyesbeamingwithfireandinnocence,herdresscomposedonlyofachemiseandashortpetticoatwhichexposedawell—turnedlegandtheprettiesttinyfoot,everydetailIgatheredinoneinstantpresentedtomylooksthemostoriginalandthemostperfectbeautyIhadeverbeheld。Ilookedatherwiththegreatestpleasure,andhereyesresteduponmeasifwehadbeenoldacquaintances。
"Howdidyoufindyourbed?"sheasked。
"Verycomfortable;Iamsureyoumadeit。Pray,whoareyou?"
"IamLucie,thedaughterofthegate—keeper:Ihaveneitherbrothersnorsisters,andIamfourteenyearsold。Iamverygladyouhavenoservantwithyou;Iwillbeyourlittlemaid,andIamsureyouwillbepleasedwithme。"
Delightedatthisbeginning,Isatupinmybedandshehelpedmetoputonmydressing—gown,sayingahundredthingswhichIdidnotunderstand。Ibegantodrinkmycoffee,quiteamazedathereasyfreedom,andstruckwithherbeauty,towhichitwouldhavebeenimpossibletoremainindifferent。Shehadseatedherselfonmybed,givingnootherapologyforthatlibertythanthemostdelightfulsmile。
Iwasstillsippingmycoffee,whenLucie’sparentscameintomyroom。Shedidnotmovefromherplaceonthebed,butshelookedatthem,appearingveryproudofsuchaseat。Thegoodpeoplekindlyscoldedher,beggedmyforgivenessinherfavour,andLucielefttheroomtoattendtoherotherduties。Themomentshehadgoneherfatherandmotherbegantopraisetheirdaughter。
"Sheis,"theysaid,"ouronlychild,ourdarlingpet,thehopeofouroldage。Shelovesandobeysus,andfearsGod;sheisascleanasanewpin,andhasbutonefault。"
"Whatisthat?"
"Sheistooyoung。"
"Thatisacharmingfaultwhichtimewillmend"
Iwasnotlonginascertainingthattheywerelivingspecimensofhonesty,oftruth,ofhomelyvirtues,andofrealhappiness。Iwasdelightedatthisdiscovery,whenLuciereturnedasgayasalark,prettilydressed,herhairdoneinapeculiarwayofherown,andwithwell—fittingshoes。Shedroppedasimplecourtesybeforeme,gaveacoupleofheartykissestobothherparents,andjumpedonherfatherknees。Iaskedhertocomeandsitonmybed,butsheansweredthatshecouldnottakesuchalibertynowthatshewasdressed,Thesimplicity,artlessness,andinnocenceoftheanswerseemedtomeveryenchanting,andbroughtasmileonmylips。I
examinedhertoseewhethershewasprettierinhernewdressorinthemorning’snegligee,andIdecidedinfavourofthelatter。Tospeakthetruth,Luciewas,Ithought,superiorineverything,notonlytoAngela,buteventoBettina。
Thehair—dressermadehisappearance,andthehonestfamilyleftmyroom。WhenIwasdressedIwenttomeetthecountessandheramiabledaughter。Thedaypassedoffverypleasantly,asisgenerallythecaseinthecountry,whenyouareamongstagreeablepeople。
Inthemorning,themomentmyeyeswereopened,Irangthebell,andprettyLuciecamein,simpleandnaturalasbefore,withhereasymannersandwonderfulremarks。Hercandour,herinnocenceshonebrilliantlyalloverherperson。Icouldnotconceivehow,withhergoodness,hervirtueandherintelligence,shecouldruntheriskofexcitingmebycomingintomyroomalone,andwithsomuchfamiliarity。Ifanciedthatshewouldnotattachmuchimportancetocertainslightliberties,andwouldnotproveover—
scrupulous,andwiththatideaImadeupmymindtoshewherthatI
fullyunderstoodher。Ifeltnoremorseofconscienceonthescoreofherparents,who,inmyestimation,wereascarelessasherself;
Ihadnodreadofbeingthefirsttogivethealarmtoherinnocence,ortoenlightenhermindwiththegloomylightofmalice,but,unwillingeithertobethedupeoffeelingortoactagainstit,I
resolvedtoreconnoitretheground。Iextendadaringhandtowardsherperson,andbyaninvoluntarymovementshewithdraws,blushes,hercheerfulnessdisappears,and,turningherheadasideasifshewereinsearchofsomething,shewaitsuntilheragitationhassubsided。Thewholeaffairhadnotlastedoneminute。Shecameback,abashedattheideathatshehadprovedherselfratherknowing,andatthedreadofhavingperhapsgivenawronginterpretationtoanactionwhichmighthavebeen,onmypart,perfectlyinnocent,ortheresultofpoliteness。Hernaturallaughsoonreturned,and,havingrapidlyreadinhermindallIhavejustdescribed,Ilostnotimeinrestoringherconfidence,and,judgingthatIwouldventuretoomuchbyactiveoperations,IresolvedtoemploythefollowingmorninginafriendlychatduringwhichIcouldmakeheroutbetter。
Inpursuanceofthatplan,thenextmorning,asweweretalking,I
toldherthatitwascold,butthatshewouldnotfeelitifshewouldliedownnearme。
"ShallIdisturbyou?"shesaid。
"No;butIamthinkingthatifyourmotherhappenedtocomein,shewouldbeangry。"
"Motherwouldnotthinkofanyharm。"
"Come,then。ButLucie,doyouknowwhatdangeryouareexposingyourselfto?"
"CertainlyIdo;butyouaregood,and,whatismore,youareapriest。"
"Come;onlylockthedoor。"
"No,no,forpeoplemightthink……Idonotknowwhat。"Shelaiddownclosebyme,andkeptonherchatting,althoughIdidnotunderstandawordofwhatshesaid,forinthatsingularposition,andunwillingtogivewaytomyardentdesires,Iremainedasstillasalog。
Herconfidenceinhersafety,confidencewhichwascertainlynotfeigned,workeduponmyfeelingstosuchanextentthatIwouldhavebeenashamedtotakeanyadvantageofit。Atlastshetoldmethatnineo’clockhadstruck,andthatifoldCountAntoniofoundusaswewere,hewouldteaseherwithhisjokes。"WhenIseethatman,"shesaid,"IamafraidandIrunaway。"Sayingthesewords,sherosefromthebedandlefttheroom。
Iremainedmotionlessforalongwhile,stupefied,benumbed,andmasteredbytheagitationofmyexcitedsensesaswellasbymythoughts。Thenextmorning,asIwishedtokeepcalm,Ionlylethersitdownonmybed,andtheconversationIhadwithherprovedwithouttheshadowofadoubtthatherparentshadeveryreasontoidolizeher,andthattheeasyfreedomofhermindaswellasofherbehaviourwithmewasentirelyowingtoherinnocenceandtoherpurity。Herartlessness,hervivacity,hereagercuriosity,andthebashfulblusheswhichspreadoverherfacewheneverherinnocentorjestingremarkscausedmetolaugh,everything,infact,convincedmethatshewasanangeldestinedtobecomethevictimofthefirstlibertinewhowouldundertaketoseduceher。Ifeltsufficientcontrolovermyownfeelingstoresistanyattemptagainsthervirtuewhichmyconsciencemightafterwardsreproachmewith。Themerethoughtoftakingadvantageofherinnocencemademeshudder,andmyself—esteemwasaguaranteetoherparents,whoabandonedhertomeonthestrengthofthegoodopiniontheyentertainedofme,thatLucie’shonourwassafeinmyhands。IthoughtIwouldhavedespisedmyselfifIhadbetrayedthetrusttheyreposedinme。Ithereforedeterminedtoconquermyfeelings,and,withperfectconfidenceinthevictory,Imadeupmymindtowagewaragainstmyself,andtobesatisfiedwithherpresenceastheonlyrewardofmyheroicefforts。
Iwasnotyetacquaintedwiththeaxiomthat"aslongasthefightinglasts,victoryremainsuncertain。"
AsIenjoyedherconversationmuch,anaturalinstinctpromptedmetotellherthatshewouldaffordmegreatpleasureifshecouldcomeearlierinthemorning,andevenwakemeupifIhappenedtobeasleep,adding,inordertogivemoreweighttomyrequest,thatthelessIsleptthebetterIfeltinhealth。InthismannerIcontrivedtospendthreehoursinsteadoftwoinhersociety,althoughthiscunningcontrivanceofminedidnotpreventthehoursflying,atleastinmyopinion,asswiftaslightning。
Hermotherwouldoftencomeinasweweretalking,andwhenthegoodwomanfoundhersittingonmybedshewouldsaynothing,onlywonderingatmykindness。Luciewouldthencoverherwithkisses,andthekindoldsoulwouldentreatmetogiveherchildlessonsofgoodness,andtocultivatehermind;butwhenshehadleftusLuciedidnotthinkherselfmoreunrestrained,andwhetherinoroutofhermother’spresence,shewasalwaysthesamewithouttheslightestchange。
Ifthesocietyofthisangelicchildaffordedmethesweetestdelight,italsocausedmethemostcruelsuffering。Often,veryoften,whenherfacewasclosetomylips,Ifeltthemostardenttemptationtosmotherherwithkisses,andmybloodwasatfeverheatwhenshewishedthatshehadbeenasisterofmine。ButIkeptsufficientcommandovermyselftoavoidtheslightestcontact,forI
wasconsciousthatevenonekisswouldhavebeenthesparkwhichwouldhaveblownupalltheedificeofmyreserve。EverytimesheleftmeIremainedastoundedatmyownvictory,but,alwayseagertowinfreshlaurels,Ilongedforthefollowingmorning,pantingforarenewalofthissweetyetverydangerouscontest。
Attheendoftenortwelvedays,Ifeltthattherewasnoalternativebuttoputastoptothisstateofthings,ortobecomeamonsterinmyowneyes;andIdecidedforthemoralsideofthequestionallthemoreeasilythatnothinginsuredmesuccess,ifI
chosethesecondalternative。ThemomentIplacedherundertheobligationtodefendherselfLuciewouldbecomeaheroine,andthedoorofmyroombeingopen,Imighthavebeenexposedtoshameandtoaveryuselessrepentance。Thisratherfrightenedme。Yet,toputanendtomytorture,Ididnotknowwhattodecide。Icouldnolongerresisttheeffectmadeuponmysensesbythisbeautifulgirl,who,atthebreakofdayandscarcelydressed,rangailyintomyroom,cametomybedenquiringhowIhadslept,bentfamiliarlyherheadtowardsme,and,sotospeak,droppedherwordsonmylips。InthosedangerousmomentsIwouldturnmyheadaside;butinherinnocenceshewouldreproachmeforbeingafraidwhenshefeltherselfsosafe,andifIansweredthatIcouldnotpossiblyfearachild,shewouldreplythatadifferenceoftwoyearswasofnoaccount。
Standingatbay,exhausted,consciousthateveryinstantincreasedtheardourwhichwasdevouringme,Iresolvedtoentreatfromherselfthediscontinuanceofhervisits,andthisresolutionappearedtomesublimeandinfallible;buthavingpostponeditsexecutionuntilthefollowingmorning,Ipassedadreadfulnight,torturedbytheimageofLucie,andbytheideathatIwouldseeherinthemorningforthelasttime。IfanciedthatLuciewouldnotonlygrantmyprayer,butthatshewouldconceiveformethehighestesteem。Inthemorning,itwasbarelyday—light,Luciebeaming,radiantwithbeauty,ahappysmilebrighteningherprettymouth,andhersplendidhairinthemostfascinatingdisorder,burstsintomyroom,andrusheswithopenarmstowardsmybed;butwhensheseesmypale,dejected,andunhappycountenance,shestopsshort,andherbeautifulfacetakinganexpressionofsadnessandanxiety:
"Whatailsyou?"sheasks,withdeepsympathy。
"Ihavehadnosleepthroughthenight:"
"Andwhy?"
"BecauseIhavemadeupmymindtoimparttoyouaprojectwhich,althoughfraughtwithmiserytomyself,willatleastsecuremeyouresteem。"
"Butifyourprojectistoinsuremyesteemitoughttomakeyouverycheerful。Onlytellme,reverendsir,why,aftercallingme’thou’
yesterday,youtreatmetodayrespectfully,likealady?WhathaveI
done?Iwillgetyourcoffee,andyoumusttellmeeverythingafteryouhavedrunkit;Ilongtohearyou"
Shegoesandreturns,Idrinkthecoffee,andseeingthatmycountenanceremainsgraveshetriestoenlivenme,contrivestomakemesmile,andclapsherhandsforjoy。Afterputtingeverythinginorder,sheclosesthedoorbecausethewindishigh,andinheranxietynottoloseonewordofwhatIhavetosay,sheentreatsartlesslyalittleplacenearme。Icannotrefuseher,forIfeelalmostlifeless。
Ithenbeginafaithfulrecitalofthefearfulstateinwhichherbeautyhasthrownme,andavividpictureofallthesufferingIhaveexperiencedintryingtomastermyardentwishtogivehersomeproofofmylove;Iexplaintoherthat,unabletoenduresuchtortureanylonger,Iseenoothersafetybutinentreatinghernottoseemeanymore。Theimportanceofthesubject,thetruthofmylove,mywishtopresentmyexpedientinthelightoftheheroiceffortofadeepandvirtuouspassion,lendmeapeculiareloquence。IendeavourabovealltomakeherrealizethefearfulconsequenceswhichmightfollowacoursedifferenttotheoneIwasproposing,andhowmiserablewemightbe。
AtthecloseofmylongdiscourseLucie,seeingmyeyeswetwithtears,throwsoffthebed—clothestowipethem,withoutthinkingthatinsodoingsheuncoverstwoglobes,thebeautyofwhichmighthavecausedthewreckofthemostexperiencedpilot。Afterashortsilence,thecharmingchildtellsmethatmytearsmakeherveryunhappy,andthatshehadneversupposedthatshecouldcausethem。
"Allyouhavejusttoldme,"sheadded,"provesthesincerityofyourgreatloveforme,butIcannotimaginewhyyoushouldbeinsuchdreadofafeelingwhichaffordsmethemostintensepleasure。Youwishtobanishmefromyourpresencebecauseyoustandinfearofyourlove,butwhatwouldyoudoifyouhatedme?AmIguiltybecauseIhavepleasedyou?Ifitisacrimetohavewonyouraffection,IcanassureyouthatIdidnotthinkIwascommittingacriminalaction,andthereforeyoucannotconscientiouslypunishme。
YetIcannotconcealthetruth;Iamveryhappytobelovedbyyou。
Asforthedangerwerun,whenwelove,dangerwhichIcanunderstand,wecansetitatdefiance,ifwechoose,andIwonderatmynotfearingit,ignorantasIam,whileyou,alearnedman,thinkitsoterrible。Iamastonishedthatlove,whichisnotadisease,shouldhavemadeyouill,andthatitshouldhaveexactlytheoppositeeffectuponme。IsitpossiblethatIammistaken,andthatmyfeelingtowardsyoushouldnotbelove?YousawmeverycheerfulwhenIcameinthismorning;itisbecauseIhavebeendreamingallnight,butmydreamsdidnotkeepmeawake;onlyseveraltimesIwokeuptoascertainwhethermydreamwastrue,forIthoughtIwasnearyou;andeverytime,findingthatitwasnotso,Iquicklywenttosleepagaininthehopeofcontinuingmyhappydream,andeverytimeIsucceeded。Aftersuchanight,wasitnotnaturalformetobecheerfulthismorning?Mydearabbe,ifloveisatormentforyouI
amverysorry,butwoulditbepossibleforyoutolivewithoutlove?
Iwilldoanythingyouordermetodo,but,evenifyourcuredependeduponit,Iwouldnotceasetoloveyou,forthatwouldbeimpossible。Yetiftohealyoursufferingsitshouldbenecessaryforyoutolovemenomore,youmustdoyourutmosttosucceed,forI
wouldmuchratherseeyoualivewithoutlove,thandeadforhavinglovedtoomuch。Onlytrytofindsomeotherplan,fortheoneyouhaveproposedmakesmeverymiserable。Thinkofit,theremaybesomeotherwaywhichwillbelesspainful。Suggestonemorepracticable,anddependuponLucie’sobedience。"
Thesewords,sotrue,soartless,soinnocent,mademerealizetheimmensesuperiorityofnature’seloquenceoverthatofphilosophicalintellect。ForthefirsttimeIfoldedthisangelicbeinginmyarms,exclaiming,"Yes,dearestLucie,yes,thouhastitinthypowertoaffordthesweetestrelieftomydevouringpain;abandontomyardentkissesthydivinelipswhichhavejustassuredmeofthylove。"
Anhourpassedinthemostdelightfulsilence,whichnothinginterruptedexceptthesewordsmurmurednowandthenbyLucie,"Oh,God!isittrue?isitnotadream?"YetIrespectedherinnocence,andthemorereadilythatsheabandonedherselfentirelyandwithouttheslightestresistance。Atlast,extricatingherselfgentlyfrommyarms,shesaid,withsomeuneasiness,"Myheartbeginstospeak,I
mustgo;"andsheinstantlyrose。Havingsomewhatrearrangedherdressshesatdown,andhermother,cominginatthatmoment,complimentedmeuponmygoodlooksandmybrightcountenance,andtoldLucietodressherselftoattendmass。Luciecamebackanhourlater,andexpressedherjoyandherprideatthewonderfulcureshethoughtshehadperformeduponme,forthehealthyappearanceIwasthenshewingconvincedherofmylovemuchbetterthanthepitifulstateinwhichshehadfoundmeinthemorning。"Ifyourcompletehappiness,"shesaid,"restsinmypower,behappy;thereisnothingthatIcanrefuseyou。"
Themomentsheleftme,stillwaveringbetweenhappinessandfear,I
understoodthatIwasstandingontheverybrinkoftheabyss,andthatnothingbutamostextraordinarydeterminationcouldpreventmefromfallingheadlongintoit。
IremainedatPaseanuntiltheendofSeptember,andthelastelevennightsofmystaywerepassedintheundisturbedpossessionofLucie,who,secureinhermother’sprofoundsleep,cametomyroomtoenjoyinmyarmsthemostdelicioushours。TheburningardourofmylovewasincreasedbytheabstinencetowhichIcondemnedmyself,althoughLuciedideverythinginherpowertomakemebreakthroughmydetermination。ShecouldnotfullyenjoythesweetnessoftheforbiddenfruitunlessIpluckeditwithoutreserve,andtheeffectproducedbyourconstantlylyingineachother’sarmswastoostrongforayounggirltoresist。Shetriedeverythingshecouldtodeceiveme,andtomakemebelievethatIhadalready,andinreality,gatheredthewholeflower,butBettina’slessonshadbeentooefficienttoallowmetogoonawrongscent,andIreachedtheendofmystaywithoutyieldingentirelytothetemptationshesofondlythrewinmyway。Ipromisedhertoreturninthespring;ourfarewellwastenderandverysad,andIleftherinastateofmindandofbodywhichmusthavebeenthecauseofhermisfortunes,which,twentyyearsafter,IhadoccasiontoreproachmyselfwithinHolland,andwhichwilleverremainuponmyconscience。
AfewdaysaftermyreturntoVenice,Ihadfallenbackintoallmyoldhabits,andresumedmycourtshipofAngelainthehopethatI
wouldobtainfromher,atleast,asmuchasLuciehadgrantedtome。
Acertaindreadwhichto—dayIcannolongertraceinmynature,asortofterroroftheconsequenceswhichmighthaveablightinginfluenceuponmyfuture,preventedmefromgivingmyselfuptocompleteenjoyment。IdonotknowwhetherIhaveeverbeenatrulyhonestman,butIamfullyawarethatthefeelingsIfosteredinmyyouthwerebyfarmoreuprightthanthoseIhave,asIlivedon,forcedmyselftoaccept。Awickedphilosophythrowsdowntoomanyofthesebarrierswhichwecallprejudices。
ThetwosisterswhoweresharingAngela’sembroiderylessonswereherintimatefriendsandtheconfidantesofallhersecrets。Imadetheiracquaintance,andfoundthattheydisapprovedofherextremereservetowardsme。AsIusuallysawthemwithAngelaandknewtheirintimacywithher,Iwould,whenIhappenedtomeetthemalone,tellthemallmysorrows,and,thinkingonlyofmycruelsweetheart,I
neverwasconceitedenoughtoproposethattheseyounggirlsmightfallinlovewithme;butIoftenventuredtospeaktothemwithalltheblazinginspirationwhichwasburninginme——alibertyIwouldnothavedaredtotakeinthepresenceofherwhomIloved。Truelovealwaysbegetsreserve;wefeartobeaccusedofexaggerationifweshouldgiveutterancetofeelingsinspired,bypassion,andthemodestlover,inhisdreadofsayingtoomuch,veryoftensaystoolittle。
Theteacherofembroidery,anoldbigot,whoatfirstappearednottomindtheattachmentIskewedforAngela,gottiredatlastofmytoofrequentvisits,andmentionedthemtotheabbe,theuncleofmyfairlady。HetoldmekindlyonedaythatIoughtnottocallatthathousesooften,asmyconstantvisitsmightbewronglyconstrued,andprovedetrimentaltothereputationofhisniece。Hiswordsfelluponmelikeathunder—bolt,butImasteredmyfeelingssufficientlytoleavehimwithoutincurringanysuspicion,andIpromisedtofollowhisgoodadvice。
Threeorfourdaysafterwards,Ipaidavisittotheteacherofembroidery,and,tomakeherbelievethatmyvisitwasonlyintendedforher,Ididnotstoponeinstantneartheyounggirls;yetI
contrivedtoslipinthehandoftheeldestofthetwosistersanoteenclosinganotherformydearAngela,inwhichIexplainedwhyIhadbeencompelledtodiscontinuemyvisits,entreatinghertodevisesomemeansbywhichIcouldenjoythehappinessofseeingherandofconversingwithher。InmynotetoNanette,Ionlybeggedhertogivemylettertoherfriend,addingthatIwouldseethemagainthedayafterthemorrow,andthatItrustedtohertofindanopportunityfordeliveringmetheanswer。Shemanageditallverycleverly,and,whenIrenewedmyvisittwodaysafterwards,shegavemealetterwithoutattractingtheattentionofanyone。
Nanette’sletterenclosedaveryshortnotefromAngela,who,dislikingletter—writing,merelyadvisedmetofollow,ifIcould,theplanproposedbyherfriend。HereisthecopyoftheletterwrittenbyNanette,whichIhavealwayskept,aswellasallotherletterswhichIgiveintheseMemoirs:
"Thereisnothingintheworld,reverendsir,thatIwouldnotreadilydoformyfriend。Shevisitsatourhouseeveryholiday,hassupperwithus,andsleepsunderourroof。IwillsuggestthebestwayforyoutomaketheacquaintanceofMadameOrio,ouraunt;but,ifyouobtainanintroductiontoher,youmustbeverycarefulnottolethersuspectyourpreferenceforAngela,forourauntwouldcertainlyobjecttoherhousebeingmadeaplaceofrendezvoustofacilitateyourinterviewswithastrangertoherfamily。NowfortheplanIpropose,andintheexecutionofwhichIwillgiveyoueveryassistanceinmypower。MadameOrio,althoughawomanofgoodstationinlife,isnotwealthy,andshewishestohavehernameenteredonthelistofnoblewidowswhoreceivethebountiesbestowedbytheConfraternityoftheHolySacrament,ofwhichM。deMalipieroispresident。LastSunday,Angelamentionedthatyouareinthegoodgracesofthatnobleman,andthatthebestwaytoobtainhispatronagewouldbetoaskyoutoentreatitinherbehalf。Thefoolishgirladdedthatyouweresmittenwithme,thatallyourvisitstoourmistressofembroideryweremadeformyspecialbenefitandforthesakeofentertainingme,andthatIwouldfinditaveryeasytasktointerestyouinherfavour。Myauntansweredthat,asyouareapriest,therewasnofearofanyharm,andshetoldmetowritetoyouwithaninvitationtocallonher;Irefused。TheprocuratorRosa,whoisagreatfavouriteofmyaunt’s,waspresent;
heapprovedofmyrefusal,sayingthattheletteroughttobewrittenbyherandnotbyme,thatitwasformyaunttobegthehonourofyourvisitonbusinessofrealimportance,andthat,iftherewasanytruthinthereportofyourloveforme,youwouldnotfailtocome。
Myaunt,byhisadvice,hasthereforewrittentheletterwhichyouwillfindatyourhouse。IfyouwishtomeetAngela,postponeyourvisittousuntilnextSunday。ShouldyousucceedinobtainingM。
deMalipiero’sgoodwillinfavourofmyaunt,youwillbecomethepetofthehousehold,butyoumustforgivemeifIappeartotreatyouwithcoolness,forIhavesaidthatIdonotlikeyou。Iwouldadviseyoutomakelovetomyaunt,whoissixtyyearsofage;
M。Rosawillnotbejealous,andyouwillbecomedeartoeveryone。
Formypart,IwillmanageforyouanopportunityforsomeprivateconversationwithAngela,andIwilldoanythingtoconvinceyouofmyfriendship。Adieu。"
Thisplanappearedtomeverywellconceived,and,havingthesameeveningreceivedMadameOrio’sletter,Icalleduponheronthefollowingday,Sunday。Iwaswelcomedinaveryfriendlymanner,andthelady,entreatingmetoexertinherbehalfmyinfluencewithM。
deMalipiero,entrustedmewithallthepaperswhichImightrequiretosucceed。Iundertooktodomyutmost,andItookcaretoaddressonlyafewwordstoAngela,butIdirectedallmygallantattentionstoNanette,whotreatedmeascoollyascouldbe。Finally,IwonthefriendshipoftheoldprocuratorRosa,who,inafteryears,wasofsomeservicetome。
IhadsomuchatstakeinthesuccessofMadameOrio’spetition,thatIthoughtofnothingelse,andknowingallthepowerofthebeautifulThereseImeroverouramoroussenator,whowouldbebuttoohappytopleaseherinanything,Ideterminedtocalluponherthenextday,andIwentstraighttoherroomwithoutbeingannounced。IfoundheralonewiththephysicianDoro,who,feigningtobeonaprofessionalvisit,wroteaprescription,feltherpulse,andwentoff。ThisDorowassuspectedofbeinginlovewithTherese;M。deMalipiero,whowasjealous,hadforbiddenTheresetoreceivehisvisits,andshehadpromisedtoobeyhim。SheknewthatIwasacquaintedwiththosecircumstances,andmypresencewasevidentlyunpleasanttoher,forshehadcertainlynowishthattheoldmanshouldhearhowshekeptherpromise。IthoughtthatnobetteropportunitycouldbefoundofobtainingfromhereverythingIwished。
Itoldherinafewwordstheobjectofmyvisit,andItookcaretoaddthatshecouldrelyuponmydiscretion,andthatIwouldnotfortheworlddoheranyinjury。Therese,gratefulforthisassurance,answeredthatsherejoicedatfindinganoccasiontoobligeme,and,askingmetogiveherthepapersofmyprotege,sheshewedmethecertificatesandtestimonialsofanotherladyinfavourofwhomshehadundertakentospeak,andwhom,shesaid,shewouldsacrificetothepersoninwhosebehalfIfeltinterested。Shekeptherword,fortheverynextdaysheplacedinmyhandsthebrevet,signedbyhisexcellencyaspresidentoftheconfraternity。Forthepresent,andwiththeexpectationoffurtherfavours,MadameOrio’snamewasputdowntosharethebountieswhichweredistributedtwiceayear。
NanetteandhersisterMartonweretheorphandaughtersofasisterofMadameOrio。Allthefortuneofthegoodladyconsistedinthehousewhichwasherdwelling,thefirstfloorbeinglet,andinapensiongiventoherbyherbrother,memberofthecounciloften。
Shelivedalonewithhertwocharmingnieces,theeldestsixteen,andtheyoungestfifteenyearsofage。Shekeptnoservant,andonlyemployedanoldwoman,who,foronecrownamonth,fetchedwater,anddidtheroughwork。HeronlyfriendwastheprocuratorRosa;hehad,likeher,reachedhissixtiethyear,andexpectedtomarryherassoonasheshouldbecomeawidower。
Thetwosistersslepttogetheronthethirdfloorinalargebed,whichwaslikewisesharedbyAngelaeverySunday。
AssoonasIfoundmyselfinpossessionofthedeedforMadameOrio,Ihastenedtopayavisittothemistressofembroidery,inordertofindanopportunityofacquaintingNanettewithmysuccess,andinashortnotewhichIprepared,IinformedherthatintwodaysIwouldcalltogivethebrevettoMadameOrio,andIbeggedherearnestlynottoforgetherpromisetocontriveaprivateinterviewwithmydearAngela。
WhenIarrived,ontheappointedday,atMadameOrio’shouse,Nanette,whohadwatchedformycoming,dexterouslyconveyedtomyhandabillet,requestingmetofindamomenttoreaditbeforeleavingthehouse。IfoundMadameOrio,Angela,theoldprocurator,andMartonintheroom。Longingtoreadthenote,Irefusedtheseatofferedtome,andpresentingtoMadameOriothedeedshehadsolongdesired,Iasked,asmyonlyreward,thepleasureofkissingherhand,givinghertounderstandthatIwantedtoleavetheroomimmediately。
"Oh,mydearabbe!"saidthelady,"youshallhaveakiss,butnotonmyhand,andnoonecanobjecttoit,asIamthirtyyearsolderthanyou。"
Shemighthavesaidforty—fivewithoutgoingmuchastray。Igavehertwokisses,whichevidentlysatisfiedher,forshedesiredmetoperformthesameceremonywithhernieces,buttheybothranaway,andAngelaalonestoodthebruntofmyhardihood。Afterthisthewidowaskedmetositdown。
"Icannot,Madame。"
"Why,Ibeg?"
"Ihave——。"
"Iunderstand。Nanette,shewtheway。"
"Dearaunt,excuseme。"
"Well,then,Marton。"
"Oh!dearaunt,whydoyounotinsistuponmysisterobeyingyourorders?"
"Alas!madame,theseyoungladiesarequiteright。Allowmetoretire。"
"No,mydearabbe,myniecesareveryfoolish;M。Rosa,Iamsure,willkindly。"
Thegoodprocuratortakesmeaffectionatelybythehand,andleadsmetothethirdstory,whereheleavesme。ThemomentIamaloneIopenmyletter,andIreadthefollowing:
"Myauntwillinviteyoutosupper;donotaccept。Goawayassoonaswesitdowntotable,andMartonwillescortyouasfarasthestreetdoor,butdonotleavethehouse。Whenthestreetdoorisclosedagain,everyonethinkingyouaregone,goupstairsinthedarkasfarasthethirdfloor,whereyoumustwaitforus。WewillcomeupthemomentM。Rosahasleftthehouse,andouraunthasgonetobed。Angelawillbeatlibertytograntyouthroughoutthenightatete—a—tetewhich,Itrust,willproveahappyone。"
Oh!whatjoy—whatgratitudefortheluckychancewhichallowedmetoreadthisletterontheveryspotwhereIwastoexpectthedearabjectofmylove!Certainoffindingmywaywithouttheslightestdifficulty,IreturnedtoMadameOrio’ssitting—room,overwhelmedwithhappiness。
CHAPTERV
AnUnluckyNightIFallinLovewiththeTwoSisters,andForgetAngela——ABallatMyHouse——Juliette’sHumiliation——MyReturntoPasian——Lucie’sMisfortune——APropitiousStormOnmyreappearance,MadameOriotoldme,withmanyheart—feltthanks,thatImustforthefutureconsidermyselfasaprivilegedandwelcomefriend,andtheeveningpassedoffverypleasantly。Asthehourforsupperdrewnear,IexcusedmyselfsowellthatMadameOriocouldnotinsistuponmyacceptingherinvitationtostay。Martonrosetolightmeoutoftheroom,butheraunt,believingNanettetobemyfavourite,gavehersuchanimperativeordertoaccompanymethatshewascompelledtoobey。Shewentdownthestairsrapidly,openedandclosedthestreetdoorverynoisily,andputtingherlightout,shereenteredthesittingroom,leavingmeindarkness。Iwentupstairssoftly:whenIreachedthethirdlandingIfoundthechamberofthetwosisters,and,throwingmyselfuponasofa,Iwaitedpatientlyfortherisingofthestarofmyhappiness。Anhourpassedamidstthesweetestdreamsofmyimagination;atlastIhearthenoiseofthestreetdooropeningandclosing,and,afewminutesafter,thetwosisterscomeinwithmyAngela。Idrawhertowardsme,andcaringfornobodyelse,Ikeepupfortwofullhoursmyconversationwithher。Theclockstrikesmidnight;Iampitiedforhavinggonesolatesupperless,butIamshockedatsuchanidea;I
answerthat,withsuchhappinessasIamenjoying,Icansufferfromnohumanwant。IamtoldthatIamaprisoner,thatthekeyofthehousedoorisundertheaunt’spillow,andthatitisopenedonlybyherselfasshegoesinthemorningtothefirstmass。Iwonderatmyyoungfriendsimaginingthatsuchnewscanbeanythingbutdelightfultome。Iexpressallmyjoyatthecertaintyofpassingthenextfivehourswiththebelovedmistressofmyheart。Anotherhourisspent,whensuddenlyNanettebeginstolaugh,Angelawantstoknowthereason,andMartonwhisperingafewwordstoher,theybothlaughlikewise。Thispuzzlesme。Inmyturn,Iwanttoknowwhatcausesthisgenerallaughter,andatlastNanette,puttingonanairofanxiety,tellsmethattheyhavenomorecandle,andthatinafewminutesweshallbeinthedark。Thisisapieceofnewsparticularlyagreeabletome,butIdonotletmysatisfactionappearonmycountenance,andsayinghowtrulyIamsorryfortheirsake,I
proposethattheyshouldgotobedandsleepquietlyundermyrespectfulguardianship。Myproposalincreasestheirmerriment。
第4章