首页 >出版文学> Casanova>第11章

第11章

  "Well,Iwillremainuntilthedayafterto—morrow,providedyoukeepmecompanytonight。"
  "Doyoulovemeverymuch?"
  "Verymuchindeed,ifyoushewyourselfverykind。"
  "Iwillbeverykind,forIloveyoudearlylikewise。Iwillgoandtellmymother。"
  "Ofcourseyouhavealover?"
  "Ineverhadone。"
  Sheleftmyroom,andinashorttimecamebackfullofjoy,sayingthathermotherbelievedmeanhonestman;sheofcoursemeantagenerousone。Cecilialockedthedoor,andthrowingherselfinmyarmscoveredmewithkisses。Shewaspretty,charming,butIwasnotinlovewithher,andIwasnotabletosaytoherastoLucrezia:"
  Youhavemademesohappy!"Butshesaiditherself,andIdidnotfeelmuchflattered,althoughIpretendedtobelieveher。WhenI
  wokeupinthemorningIgaveheratendersalutation,andpresentingherwiththreedoubloons,whichmusthaveparticularlydelightedthemother,Isentherawaywithoutlosingmytimeinpromisingeverlastingconstancy——apromiseasabsurdasitistrifling,andwhichthemostvirtuousmanoughtnevertomakeeventothemostbeautifulofwomen。
  AfterbreakfastIsentforminehostandorderedanexcellentsupperforfivepersons,feelingcertainthatDonSancio,whomIexpectedintheevening,wouldnotrefusetohonourmebyacceptingmyinvitation,andwiththatideaImadeupmymindtogowithoutmydinner。TheBolognesefamilydidnotrequiretoimitatemydiettoinsureagoodappetitefortheevening。
  IthensummonedBellinotomyroom,andclaimedtheperformanceofhispromisebuthelaughed,remarkedthatthedaywasnotpassedyet,andsaidthathewascertainoftravelingwithme。
  "IfairlywarnyouthatyoucannotaccompanymeunlessIamfullysatisfied。"
  "Well,Iwillsatisfyyou。"
  "Shallwegoandtakeawalktogether?"
  "Willingly;Iwilldressmyself。"
  WhileIwaswaitingforhim,Marinacameinwithadejectedcountenance,enquiringhowshehaddeservedmycontempt。
  "Ceciliahaspassedthenightwithyou,Bellinowillgowithyouto—
  morrow,Iamthemostunfortunateofusall。"
  "Doyouwantmoney?"
  "No,forIloveyou。"
  "But,Marinetta,youaretooyoung。"
  "Iammuchstrongerthanmysister。"
  "Perhapsyouhavealover。"
  "Oh!no。"
  "Verywell,wecantrythisevening。"
  "Good!ThenIwilltellmothertopreparecleansheetsforto—morrowmorning;otherwiseeverybodyherewouldknowthatIsleptwithyou。"
  Icouldnothelpadmiringthefruitsofatheatricaleducation,andwasmuchamused。
  Bellinocameback,wewentouttogether,andwetookourwalktowardstheharbour。Therewereseveralvesselsatanchor,andamongstthemaVenetianshipandaTurkishtartan。Wewentonboardthefirstwhichwevisitedwithinterest,butnotseeinganyoneofmyacquaintance,werowedtowardstheTurkishtartan,wherethemostromanticsurpriseawaitedme。ThefirstpersonImetonboardwasthebeautifulGreekwomanIhadleftinAncona,sevenmonthsbefore,whenIwentawayfromthelazzaretto。Shewasseatedneartheoldcaptain,ofwhomIenquired,withoutappearingtonoticehishandsomeslave,whetherhehadanyfinegoodstosell。Hetookustohiscabin,butasIcastaglancetowardsthecharmingGreek,sheexpressedbyherlooksallherdelightatsuchanunexpectedmeeting。
  IpretendednottobepleasedwiththegoodsshewnbytheTurk,andundertheimpulseofinspirationItoldhimthatIwouldwillinglybuysomethingprettywhichwouldtakethefancyofhisbetter—half。
  Hesmiled,andtheGreekslave—havingwhisperedafewwordstohim,heleftthecabin。Themomenthewasoutofsight,thisnewAspasiathrewherselfinmyarms,saying,"Nowisyourtime!"Iwouldnotbefoundwantingincourage,andtakingthemostconvenientpositioninsuchaplace,Ididtoherinoneinstantthatwhichheroldmasterhadnotdoneinfiveyears。Ihadnotyetreachedthegoalofmywishes,whentheunfortunategirl,hearinghermaster,toreherselffrommyarmswithadeepsigh,andplacingherselfcunninglyinfrontofme,gavemetimetorepairthedisorderofmydress,whichmighthavecostmemylife,oratleastallIpossessedtocompromisetheaffair。Inthatcurioussituation,IwashighlyamusedatthesurpriseofBellino,whostoodtheretremblinglikeanaspenleaf。
  Thetrifleschosenbythehandsomeslavecostmeonlythirtysequins。
  ’Spolaitis’,shesaidtomeinherownlanguage,andtheTurktellingherthatsheoughttokissme,shecoveredherfacewithherhands,andranaway。Ilefttheshipmoresadthanpleased,forIregrettedthat,inspiteofhercourage,sheshouldhaveenjoyedonlyanincompletepleasure。Assoonaswewereinourrowboat,Bellino,whohadrecoveredfromhisfright,toldmethatIhadjustmadehimacquaintedwithaphenomenon,therealityofwhichhecouldnotadmit,andwhichgavehimaverystrangeideaofmynature;that,asfarastheGreekgirlwasconcerned,hecouldnotmakeherout,unlessIshouldassurehimthateverywomaninhercountrywaslikeher。"Howunhappytheymustbe!"headded。
  "Doyouthink,"Iasked,"thatcoquettesarehappier?"
  "No,butIthinkthatwhenawomanyieldstolove,sheshouldnotbeconqueredbeforeshehasfoughtwithherowndesires;sheshouldnotgivewaytothefirstimpulseofalustfuldesireandabandonherselftothefirstmanwhotakesherfancy,likeananimal——theslaveofsense。YoumustconfessthattheGreekwomanhasgivenyouanevidentproofthatyouhadtakenherfancy,butthatshehasatthesametimegivenyouaproofnotlesscertainofherbeastlylust,andofaneffronterywhichexposedhertotheshameofbeingrepulsed,forshecouldnotpossiblyknowwhetheryouwouldfeelaswelldisposedforherasshefeltforyou。Sheisveryhandsome,anditallturnedoutwell,buttheadventurehasthrownmeintoawhirlpoolofagitationwhichIcannotyetcontrol。"
  ImighteasilyhaveputastoptoBellino’sperplexity,andrectifiedthemistakehewaslabouringunder;butsuchaconfessionwouldnothaveministeredtomyself—love,andIheldmypeace,for,ifBellinohappenedtobeagirl,asIsuspected,IwantedhertobeconvincedthatIattached,afterall,butverylittleimportancetothegreataffair,andthatitwasnotworthwhileemployingcunningexpedientstoobtainit。
  Wereturnedtotheinn,and,towardsevening,hearingDonSancio’stravellingcarriagerollintotheyard,Ihastenedtomeethim,andtoldhimthatIhopedhewouldexcusemeifIhadfeltcertainthathewouldnotrefusemethehonourofhiscompanytosupperwithBellino。HethankedmepolitelyforthepleasureIwassodelicatelyofferinghim,andacceptedmyinvitation。
  Themostexquisitedishes,themostdeliciouswinesofSpain,and,morethaneverythingelse,thecheerfulnessandthecharmingvoicesofBellinoandofCecilia,gavetheCastilianfivedelightfulhours。
  Heleftmeatmidnight,sayingthathecouldnotdeclarehimselfthoroughlypleasedunlessIpromisedtosupwithhimthenexteveningwiththesameguests。Itwouldcompelmetopostponemydepartureforanotherday,butIaccepted。
  AssoonasDonSanciohadgone,IcalleduponBellinotofulfilhispromise,butheansweredthatMarinettawaswaitingforme,andthat,asIwasnotgoingawaythenextday,hewouldfindanopportunityofsatisfyingmydoubts;andwishingmeagoodnight,helefttheroom。
  Marinetta,ascheerfulasalark,rantolockthedoorandcamebacktome,hereyesbeamingwithardour。ShewasmoreformedthanCecilia,althoughoneyearyounger,andseemedanxioustoconvincemeofhersuperiority,but,thinkingthatthefatigueoftheprecedingnightmighthaveexhaustedmystrength,sheunfoldedallthearmorousideasofhermind,explainedatlengthallsheknewofthegreatmysteryshewasgoingtoenactwithme,andofallthecontrivancesshehadhadrecoursetoinordertoacquireherimperfectknowledge,thewholeinterlardedwiththefoolishtalknaturaltoherage。I
  madeoutthatshewasafraidofmynotfindingheramaiden,andofmyreproachingheraboutit。Heranxietypleasedme,andIgaveheranewconfidencebytellingherthatnaturehadrefusedtomanyyounggirlswhatiscalledmaidenhood,andthatonlyafoolcouldbeangrywithagirlforsuchareason。
  Mysciencegavehercourageandconfidence,andIwascompelledtoacknowledgethatshewasverysuperiortohersister。
  "Iamdelightedyoufindmeso,"shesaid;"wemustnotsleepatallthroughoutthenight。"
  "Sleep,mydarling,willproveourfriend,andourstrengthrenewedbyreposewillrewardyouinthemorningforwhatyoumaysupposelosttime。"
  Andtruly,afteraquietsleep,themorningwasforherasuccessionoffreshtriumphs,andIcrownedherhappinessbysendingherawaywiththreedoubloons,whichshetooktohermother,andwhichgavethegoodwomananinsatiabledesiretocontractnewobligationstowardsProvidence。
  Iwentouttogetsomemoneyfromthebanker,asIdidnotknowwhatmighthappenduringmyjourney。Ihadenjoyedmyself,butIhadspenttoomuch:yettherewasBellinowho,ifagirl,wasnottofindmelessgenerousthanIhadbeenwiththetwoyoungsisters。Itwastobedecidedduringtheday,andIfanciedthatIwassureoftheresult。
  Therearesomepersonswhopretendthatlifeisonlyasuccessionofmisfortunes,whichisasmuchastosaythatlifeitselfisamisfortune;butiflifeisamisfortune,deathmustbeexactlythereverseandthereforedeathmustbehappiness,sincedeathistheveryreverseoflife。Thatdeductionmayappeartoofinelydrawn。
  Butthosewhosaythatlifeisasuccessionofmisfortunesarecertainlyeitherillorpoor;for,iftheyenjoyedgoodhealth,iftheyhadcheerfulnessintheirheartandmoneyintheirpurse,iftheyhadfortheirenjoymentaCecilia,aMarinetta,andevenamorelovelybeautyinperspective,theywouldsoonentertainaverydifferentopinionoflife!Iholdthemtobearaceofpessimists,recruitedamongstbeggarlyphilosophersandknavish,atrabilioustheologians。Ifpleasuredoesexist,andiflifeisnecessarytoenjoypleasure,thenlifeishappiness。Therearemisfortunes,asI
  knowbyexperience;buttheveryexistenceofsuchmisfortunesprovesthatthesum—totalofhappinessisgreater。Becauseafewthornsaretobefoundinabasketfullofroses,istheexistenceofthosebeautifulflowerstobedenied?No;itisaslandertodenythatlifeishappiness。WhenIaminadarkroom,itpleasesmegreatlytoseethroughawindowanimmensehorizonbeforeme。
  Assupper—timewasdrawingnear,IwenttoDonSancio,whomIfoundinmagnificently—furnishedapartments。Thetablewasloadedwithsilverplate,andhisservantswereinlivery。Hewasalone,butallhisguestsarrivedsoonafterme——Cecilia,Marina,andBellino,who,eitherbycapriceorfromtaste,wasdressedasawoman。Thetwoyoungsisters,prettilyarranged,lookedcharming,butBellino,inhisfemalecostume,socompletelythrewthemintotheshade,thatmylastdoubtvanished。
  "Areyousatisfied,"IsaidtoDonSancio,"thatBellinoisawoman?"
  "Womanorman,whatdoIcare!Ithinkheisaverypretty’castrato’,and’Ihaveseenmanyasgood—lookingasheis。"
  "Butareyousureheisa’castrato’?"
  "’ValgameDios’!"answeredthegraveCastilian,"Ihavenottheslightestwishtoascertainthetruth。"
  Oh,howwidelydifferentourthoughtswere!IadmiredinhimthewisdomofwhichIwassomuchinneed,anddidnotventureuponanymoreindiscreetquestions。Duringthesupper,however,mygreedyeyescouldnotleavethatcharmingbeing;myviciousnaturecausedmetofeelintensevoluptuousnessinbelievinghimtobeofthatsextowhichIwantedhimtobelong。
  DonSancio’ssupperwasexcellent,and,asamatterofcourse,superiortomine;otherwisetheprideoftheCastilianwouldhavefelthumbled。Asageneralrule,menarenotsatisfiedwithwhatisgood;theywantthebest,or,tospeakmoretothepoint,themost。
  Hegaveuswhitetruffles,severalsortsofshell—fish,thebestfishoftheAdriatic,drychampagne,peralta,sherryandpedroximeneswines。
  AfterthatsupperworthyofLucullus,Bellinosangwithavoiceofsuchbeautythatitdeprivedusofthesmallamountofreasonleftinusbytheexcellentwine。Hismovements,theexpressionofhislooks,hisgait,hiswalk,hiscountenance,hisvoice,and,aboveall,myowninstinct,whichtoldmethatIcouldnotpossiblyfeelforacastratowhatIfeltforBellino,confirmedmeinmyhopes;yetitwasnecessarythatmyeyesshouldascertainthetruth。
  Aftermanycomplimentsandathousandthanks,wetookleaveofthegrandSpaniard,andwenttomyroom,wherethemysterywasatlasttobeunravelled。IcalleduponBellinotokeephisword,orI
  threatenedtoleavehimalonethenextmorningatday—break。
  Itookhimbythehand,andweseatedourselvesnearthefire。I
  dismissedCeciliaandMarina,andIsaidtohim,"Bellino,everythingmusthaveanend;youhavepromised:itwillsoonbeover。Ifyouarewhatyourepresentyourselftobe,Iwillletyougobacktoyourownroom;ifyouarewhatIbelieveyoutobe,andifyouconsenttoremainwithmeto—night,Iwillgiveyouonehundredsequins,andwewillstarttogethertomorrowmorning。"
  "Youmustgoalone,andforgivemeifIcannotfulfilmypromise。I
  amwhatItoldyou,andIcanneitherreconcilemyselftotheideaofexposingmyshamebeforeyou,norlaymyselfopentotheterribleconsequencesthatmightfollowthesolutionofyourdoubts。"
  "Therecanbenoconsequences,sincetherewillbeanendtoitatthemomentIhaveassuredmyselfthatyouareunfortunateenoughtobewhatyousay,andwithoutevermentioningthecircumstancesagain,Ipromisetotakeyouwithmeto—morrowandtoleaveyouatRimini。"
  "No,mymindismadeup;Icannotsatisfyyourcuriosity。"
  Driventomadnessbyhiswords,Iwasverynearusingviolence,butsubduingmyangryfeelings,Iendeavoredtosucceedbygentlemeansandbygoingstraighttothespotwherethemysterycouldbesolved。
  Iwasverynearit,whenhishandopposedaverystrongresistance。
  Irepeatedmyefforts,butBellino,risingsuddenly,repulsedme,andIfoundmyselfundone。Afterafewmomentsofcalm,thinkingI
  shouldtakehimbysurprise,Iextendedmyhand,butIdrewbackterrified,forIfanciedthatIhadrecognizedinhimaman,andadegradedman,contemptiblelessonaccountofhisdegradationthanforthewantoffeelingIthoughtIcouldreadonhiscountenance。
  Disgusted,confused,andalmostblushingformyself,Isenthimaway。
  Hissisterscametomyroom,butIdismissedthem,sendingwordtotheirbrotherthathemightgowithme,withoutanyfearoffurtherindiscretiononmypart。Yet,inspiteoftheconvictionIthoughtI
  hadacquired,Bellino,evensuchasIbelievehimtobe,filledmythoughts;Icouldnotmakeitout。
  EarlythenextmorningIleftAnconawithhim,distractedbythetearsofthetwocharmingsistersandloadedwiththeblessingsofthemotherwho,withbeadsinhand,mumbledher’paternoster’,andrepeatedherconstanttheme:’Dioprovedera’。
  ThetrustplacedinProvidencebymostofthosepersonswhoearntheirlivingbysomeprofessionforbiddenbyreligionisneitherabsurd,norfalse,nordeceitful;itisrealandevengodly,foritflowsfromanexcellentsource。WhatevermaybethewaysofProvidence,humanbeingsmustalwaysacknowledgeitinitsaction,andthosewhocalluponProvidenceindependentlyofallexternalconsiderationmust,atthebottom,beworthy,althoughguiltyoftransgressingitslaws。
  ’PulchraLaverna,Damihifallere;dajustosanctoquevideri;
  Noctempeccatis,etfraudibusobjicenubem。’
  Suchwasthewayinwhich,inthedaysofHorace,robbersaddressedtheirgoddess,andIrecollectaJesuitwhotoldmeoncethatHoracewouldnothaveknownhisownlanguage,ifhehadsaidjustosanctoque:buttherewereignorantmenevenamongsttheJesuits,androbbersmostlikelyhavebutlittlerespectfortherulesofgrammar。
  ThenextmorningIstartedwithBellino,who,believingmetobeundeceived,couldsupposethatIwouldnotshewanymorecuriosityabouthim,butwehadnotbeenaquarterofanhourtogetherwhenhefoundouthismistake,forIcouldnotletmylooksfalluponhissplendideyeswithoutfeelinginmeafirewhichthesightofamancouldnothaveignited。Itoldhimthatallhisfeatureswerethoseofawoman,andthatIwantedthetestimonyofmyeyesbeforeIcouldfeelperfectlysatisfied,becausetheprotuberanceIhadfeltinacertainplacemightbeonlyafreakofnature。"Shoulditbethecase,"Iadded,"Ishouldhavenodifficultyinpassingoveradeformitywhich,inreality,isonlylaughable。Bellino,theimpressionyouproduceuponme,thissortofmagnetism,yourbosomworthyofVenusherself,whichyouhaveonceabandonedtomyeagerhand,thesoundofyourvoice,everymovementofyours,assuremethatyoudonotbelongtomysex。Letmeseeformyself,and,ifmyconjecturesareright,dependuponmyfaithfullove;if,onthecontrary,IfindthatIhavebeenmistaken,youcanrelyuponmyfriendship。Ifyourefuseme,Ishallbecompelledtobelievethatyouarecruellyenjoyingmymisery,andthatyouhavelearnedinthemostaccursedschoolthatthebestwayofpreventingayoungmanfromcuringhimselfofanamorouspassionistoexciteitconstantly;butyoumustagreewithmethat,toputsuchtyrannyinpractice,itisnecessarytohatethepersonitispractisedupon,and,ifthatbeso,Ioughttocalluponmyreasontogivemethestrengthnecessarytohateyoulikewise。"
  Iwentonspeakingforalongtime;Bellinodidnotanswer,butheseemeddeeplymoved。AtlastItoldhimthat,inthefearfulstatetowhichIwasreducedbyhisresistance,Ishouldbecompelledtotreathimwithoutanyregardforhisfeelings,andfindoutthetruthbyforce。Heansweredwithmuchwarmthanddignity:"Recollectthatyouarenotmymaster,thatIaminyourhands,becauseIhadfaithinyourpromise,andthat,ifyouuseviolence,youwillbeguiltyofmurder。Orderthepostilliontostop,Iwillgetoutofthecarriage,andyoumayrelyuponmynotcomplainingofyourtreatment。"
  Thosefewwordswerefollowedbyatorrentoftears,asightwhichI
  nevercouldresist。Ifeltmyselfmovedintheinmostrecessesofmysoul,andIalmostthoughtthatIhadbeenwrong。Isayalmost,because,hadIbeenconvincedofit,Iwouldhavethrownmyselfathisfeetentreatingpardon;but,notfeelingmyselfcompetenttostandinjudgmentinmyowncause,Isatisfiedmyselfbyremainingdullandsilent,andIneverutteredoneworduntilwewereonlyhalfamilefromSinigaglia,whereIintendedtotakesupperandtoremainforthenight。Havingfoughtlongenoughwithmyownfeelings,I
  saidtohim;
  "WemighthavespentalittletimeinRiminilikegoodfriends,ifyouhadfeltanyfriendshipforme,for,withalittlekindcompliance,youcouldhaveeasilycuredmeofmypassion。"
  "Itwouldnotcureyou,"answeredBellino,courageously,butwithasweetnessoftonewhichsurprisedme;"no,youwouldnotbecured,whetheryoufoundmetobemanorwoman,foryouareinlovewithmeindependentlyofmysex,andthecertaintyyouwouldacquirewouldmakeyoufurious。Insuchastate,shouldyoufindmeinexorable,youwouldverylikelygivewaytoexcesseswhichwouldafterwardscauseyoudeepsorrow。"
  "Youexpecttomakemeadmitthatyouareright,butyouarecompletelymistaken,forIfeelthatIshouldremainperfectlycalm,andthatbycomplyingwithmywishesyouwouldgainmyfriendship。"
  "Itellyouagainthatyouwouldbecomefurious。"
  "Bellino,thatwhichhasmademefuriousisthesightofyourcharms,eithertoorealortoocompletelydeceiving,thepowerofwhichyoucannotaffecttoignore。Youhavenotbeenafraidtoignitemyamorousfury,howcanyouexpectmetobelieveyounow,whenyoupretendtofearit,andwhenIamonlyaskingyoutoletmetouchathing,which,ifitbeasyousay,willonlydisgustme?"
  "Ah!disgustyou;Iamquitecertainofthecontrary。Listentome。
  WereIagirl,IfeelIcouldnotresistlovingyou,but,beingaman,itismydutynottograntwhatyoudesire,foryourpassion,nowverynatural,wouldthenbecomemonstrous。Yourardentnaturewouldbestrongerthanyourreason,andyourreasonitselfwouldeasilycometotheassistanceofyoursensesandofyournature。
  Thatviolentclearing—upofthemystery,wereyoutoobtainit,wouldleaveyoudeprivedofallcontroloveryourself。Disappointedinnotfindingwhatyouhadexpected,youwouldsatisfyyourpassionuponthatwhichyouwouldfind,andtheresultwould,ofcourse,beanabomination。Howcanyou,intelligentasyouare,flatteryourselfthat,findingmetobeaman,youcouldallatonceceasetoloveme?
  Wouldthecharmswhichyounowseeinmeceasetoexistthen?
  Perhapstheirpowerwould,onthecontrary,beenhanced,andyourpassion,becomingbrutal,wouldleadyoutotakeanymeansyourimaginationsuggestedtogratifyit。Youwouldpersuadeyourselfthatyoumightchangemeintoawoman,or,whatisworse,thatyoumightchangeyourselfintoone。Yourpassionwouldinventathousandsophismstojustifyyourlove,decoratedwiththefineappellationoffriendship,andyouwouldnotfailtoallegehundredsofsimilarlydisgustingcasesinordertoexcuseyourconduct。Youwouldcertainlyneverfindmecompliant;andhowamItoknowthatyouwouldnotthreatenmewithdeath?"
  "Nothingofthesortwouldhappen,Bellino,"Ianswered,rathertiredofthelengthofhisargument,"positivelynothing,andIamsureyouareexaggeratingyourfears。YetIamboundtotellyouthat,evenifallyousayshouldhappen,itseemstomethattoallowwhatcanstrictlybeconsideredonlyasatemporaryfitofinsanity,wouldprovealessevilthantorenderincurableadiseaseofthemindwhichreasonwouldsooncutshort。"
  Thusdoesapoorphilosopherreasonwhenhetakesitintohisheadtoargueatthoseperiodsduringwhichapassionraginginhissoulmakesallitsfacultieswander。Toreasonwell,wemustbeundertheswayneitheroflovenorofanger,forthosetwopassionshaveonethingincommonwhichisthat,intheirexcess,theylowerustotheconditionofbrutesactingonlyundertheinfluenceoftheirpredominatinginstinct,and,unfortunately,wearenevermoredisposedtoarguethanwhenwefeelourselvesundertheinfluenceofeitherofthosetwopowerfulhumanpassions。
  WearrivedatSinigaglialateatnight,andIwenttothebestinn,and,afterchoosingacomfortableroom,orderedsupper。Astherewasbutonebedintheroom,IaskedBellino,inascalmatoneasI
  couldassume,whetherhewouldhaveafirelightedinanotherchamber,andmysurprisemaybeimaginedwhenheansweredquietlythathehadnoobjectiontosleepinthesamebedwithme。Suchananswer,however,unexpected,wasnecessarytodispeltheangryfeelingsunderwhichIwaslabouring。IguessedthatIwasnearthedenouementoftheromance,butIwasveryfarfromcongratulatingmyself,forIdidnotknowwhetherthedenouementwouldproveagreeableornot。Ifelt,however,arealsatisfactionathavingconquered,andwassureofmyself—control,incasethesenses,mynaturalinstinct,ledmeastray。ButifIfoundmyselfintheright,IthoughtIcouldexpectthemostpreciousfavours。
  Wesatdowntosupperoppositeeachother,andduringthemeal,hiswords,hiscountenance,theexpressionofhisbeautifuleyes,hissweetandvoluptuoussmile,everythingseemedtoannouncethathehadhadenoughofplayingapartwhichmusthaveprovedaspainfultohimastome。
  Aweightwasliftedoffmymind,andImanagedtoshortenthesupperasmuchaspossible。Assoonaswehadleftthetable,myamiablecompanioncalledforanight—lamp,undressedhimself,andwenttobed。Iwasnotlonginfollowinghim,andthereaderwillsoonknowthenatureofadenouementsolongandsoardentlydesired;inthemeantimeIbegtowishhimashappyanightastheonewhichwasthenawaitingme。
  CHAPTERXII
  Bellino’sHistory——IAmPutUnderArrest——IRunAwayAgainstMyWill——MyReturnToRimini,andMyArrivalInBolognaDearreader,Isaidenoughattheendofthelastchaptertomakeyouguesswhathappened,butnolanguagewouldbepowerfulenoughtomakeyourealizeallthevoluptuousnesswhichthatcharmingbeinghadinstoreforme。ShecameclosetomethemomentIwasinbed。Withoututteringonewordourlipsmet,andIfoundmyselfintheecstasyofenjoymentbeforeIhadhadtimetoseekforit。Aftersocompleteavictory,whatwouldmyeyesandmyfingershavegainedfrominvestigationswhichcouldnotgivememorecertaintythanIhadalreadyobtained?Icouldnottakemygazeoffthatbeautifulface,whichwasallaflamewiththeardouroflove。
  Afteramomentofquietrapture,asparklightedupinourveinsafreshconflagrationwhichwedrownedinaseaofnewdelights。
  Bellinofeltboundtomakemeforgetmysufferings,andtorewardmebyanardourequaltothefirekindledbyhercharms。
  ThehappinessIgaveherincreasedminetwofold,forithasalwaysbeenmyweaknesstocomposethefour—fifthsofmyenjoymentfromthesum—totalofthehappinesswhichIgavethecharmingbeingfromwhomIderivedit。Butsuchafeelingmustnecessarilycausehatredforoldagewhichcanstillreceivepleasure,butcannolongergiveenjoymenttoanother。Andyouthrunsawayfromoldage,becauseitisitsmostcruelenemy。
  Anintervalofreposebecamenecessary,inconsequenceoftheactivityofourenjoyment。Oursenseswerenottiredout,buttheyrequiredtherestwhichrenewstheirsensitivenessandrestoresthebuoyancynecessarytoactiveservice。
  Bellinowasthefirsttobreakoursilence。
  "Dearest,"shesaid,"areyousatisfiednow?Haveyoufoundmetrulyloving?"
  "Trulyloving?Ah!traitressthatyouare!Doyou,then,confessthatIwasnotmistakenwhenIguessedthatyouwereacharmingwoman?Andifyoutrulylovedme,tellmehowyoucouldcontrivetodeferyourhappinessandminesolong?ButisitquitecertainthatIdidnotmakeamistake?"
  "Iamyoursallover;seeforyourself。"
  Oh,whatdelightfulsurvey!whatcharmingbeauties!whatanoceanofenjoyment!ButIcouldnotfindanytraceoftheprotuberancewhichhadsomuchterrifiedanddisgustedme。
  "Whathasbecome,"Isaid,"ofthatdreadfulmonstrosity?"
  "Listentome,"shereplied,"andIwilltellyoueverything。
  "MynameisTherese。Myfather,apoorclerkintheInstituteofBologna,hadletanapartmentinhishousetothecelebratedSalimberi,acastrato,andadelightfulmusician。Hewasyoungandhandsome,hebecameattachedtome,andIfeltflatteredbyhisaffectionandbythepraisehelavisheduponme。Iwasonlytwelveyearsofage;heproposedtoteachmemusic,andfindingthatIhadafinevoice,hecultivateditcarefully,andinlessthanayearI
  couldaccompanymyselfontheharpsichord。Hisrewardwasthatwhichhisloveformeinducedhimtoask,andIgrantedtherewardwithoutfeelinganyhumiliation,forIworshippedhim。Ofcourse,menlikeyourselfaremuchabovemenofhisspecies,butSalimberiwasanexception。Hisbeauty,hismanners,histalent,andtherarequalitiesofhissoul,madehimsuperiorinmyeyestoallthemenI
  hadseenuntilthen。Hewasmodestandreserved,richandgenerous,andIdoubtwhetherhecouldhavefoundawomanabletoresisthim;
  yetIneverheardhimboastofhavingseducedany。Themutilationpractiseduponhisbodyhadmadehimamonster,buthewasanangelbyhisrarequalitiesandendowments。
  "Salimberiwasatthattimeeducatingaboyofthesameageasmyself,whowasinRiminiwithamusicteacher。Thefatheroftheboy,whowaspoorandhadalargefamily,seeinghimselfneardeath,hadthoughtofhavinghisunfortunatesonmaimedsothatheshouldbecomethesupportofhisbrotherswithhisvoice。ThenameoftheboywasBellino;thegoodwomanwhomyouhavejustseeninAnconawashismother,andeverybodybelievesthatsheismine。
  "IhadbelongedtoSalimberiforaboutayear,whenheannouncedtomeoneday,weepingbitterly,thathewascompelledtoleavemetogotoRome,buthepromisedtoseemeagain。Thenewsthrewmeintodespair。Hehadarrangedeverythingforthecontinuationofmymusicaleducation,but,ashewaspreparinghimselfforhisdeparture,myfatherdiedverysuddenly,afterashortillness,andI
  wasleftanorphan。
  "Salimberihadnotcourageenoughtoresistmytearsandmyentreaties;hemadeuphismindtotakemetoRimini,andtoplacemeinthesamehousewherehisyoung’protege’waseducated。WereachedRimini,andputupataninn;afterashortrest,Salimberileftmetocallupontheteacherofmusic,andtomakeallnecessaryarrangementsrespectingmewithhim;buthesoonreturned,lookingsadandunhappy;Bellinohaddiedthedaybefore。
  "Ashewasthinkingofthegriefwhichthelossoftheyoungmanwouldcausehismother,hewasstruckwiththeideaofbringingmebacktoBolognaunderthenameofBellino,wherehecouldarrangeformyboardwiththemotherofthedeceasedBellino,who,beingverypoor,wouldfindittoheradvantagetokeepthesecret。’Iwillgiveher,’hesaid,’everythingnecessaryforthecompletionofyourmusicaleducation,andinfouryears,IwilltakeyoutoDresden(hewasintheserviceoftheElectorofSaxony,KingofPoland),notasagirl,butasacastrato。Therewewilllivetogetherwithoutgivinganyonecauseforscandal,andyouwillremainwithmeandministertomyhappinessuntilIdie。AllwehavetodoistorepresentyouasBellino,anditisveryeasy,asnobodyknowsyouinBologna。Bellino’smotherwillaloneknowthesecret;herotherchildrenhaveseentheirbrotheronlywhenhewasveryyoung,andcanhavenosuspicion。Butifyoulovemeyoumustrenounceyoursex,loseeventheremembranceofit,andleaveimmediatelyforBologna,dressedasaboy,andunderthenameofBellino。Youmustbeverycarefullestanyoneshouldfindoutthatyouareagirl;youmustsleepalone,dressyourselfinprivate,andwhenyourbosomisformed,asitwillbeinayearortwo,itwillonlybethoughtadeformitynotuncommonamongst’castrati’。Besides,beforeleavingyou,Iwillgiveyouasmallinstrument,andteachhowtofixitinsuchmannerthat,ifyouhadatanytimetosubmittoanexamination,youwouldeasilybemistakenforaman。Ifyouacceptmyplan,I
  feelcertainthatwecanlivetogetherinDresdenwithoutlosingthegoodgracesofthequeen,whoisveryreligious。Tellme,now,whetheryouwillacceptmyproposal?
  "Hecouldnotentertainanydoubtofmyconsent,forIadoredhim。
  AssoonashehadmadeaboyofmeweleftRiminiforBologna,wherewearrivedlateintheevening。AlittlegoldmadeeverythingrightwithBellino’smother;Igaveherthenameofmother,andshekissedme,callingmeherdearson。Salimberileftus,andreturnedashorttimeafterwardswiththeinstrumentwhichwouldcompletemytransformation。Hetaughtme,inthepresenceofmynewmother,howtofixitwithsometragacanthgum,andIfoundmyselfexactlylikemyfriend。Iwouldhavelaughedatit,hadnotmyheartbeendeeplygrievedatthedepartureofmybelovedSalimberi,forhebademefarewellassoonasthecuriousoperationwascompleted。Peoplelaughatforebodings;Idonotbelieveinthemmyself,buttheforebodingofevil,whichalmostbrokemyheartashegavemehisfarewellkiss,didnotdeceiveme。Ifeltthecoldshiveringofdeathrunthroughme;IfeltIwaslookingathimforthelasttime,andIfaintedaway。Alas!myfearsprovedonlytooprophetic。
  SalimberidiedayearagointheTyrolintheprimeoflife,withthecalmnessofatruephilosopher。Hisdeathcompelledmetoearnmylivingwiththeassistanceofmymusicaltalent。Mymotheradvisedmetocontinuetogivemyselfoutasacastrato,inthehopeofbeingabletotakemetoRome。Iagreedtodoso,forIdidnotfeelsufficientenergytodecideuponanyotherplan。InthemeantimesheacceptedanofferfortheAnconaTheatre,andPetroniotookthepartoffirstfemaledancer;inthiswayweplayedthecomedyof’TheWorldTurnedUpsideDown。’
  "AfterSalimberi,youaretheonlymanIhaveknown,and,ifyoulike,youcanrestoremetomyoriginalstate,andmakemegiveupthenameofBellino,whichIhatesincethedeathofmyprotector,andwhichbeginstoinconvenienceme。Ihaveonlyappearedattwotheatres,andeachtimeIhavebeencompelledtosubmittothescandalous,degradingexamination,becauseeverywhereIamthoughttohavetoomuchtheappearanceofagirl,andIamadmittedonlyaftertheshamefultesthasbroughtconviction。Untilnow,fortunately,I
  havehadtodealonlywitholdpriestswho,intheirgoodfaith,havebeensatisfiedwithaveryslightexamination,andhavemadeafavourablereporttothebishop;butImightfallintothehandsofsomeyoungabbe,andthetestwouldthenbecomeamoresevereone。
  Besides,Ifindmyselfexposedtothedailypersecutionsoftwosortsofbeings:thosewho,likeyou,cannotandwillnotbelievemetobeaman,andthosewho,forthesatisfactionoftheirdisgustingpropensities,aredelightedatmybeingso,orfinditadvantageoustosupposemeso。Thelastparticularlyannoyme!Theirtastesaresoinfamous,theirhabitssolow,thatIfearIshallmurderoneofthemsomeday,whenIcannolongercontroltherageinwhichtheirobscenelanguagethrowsme。Outofpity,mybelovedangel,begenerous;and,ifyouloveme,oh!freemefromthisstateofshameanddegradation!Takemewithyou。Idonotasktobecomeyourwife,thatwouldbetoomuchhappiness;Iwillonlybeyourfriend,yourmistress,asIwouldhavebeenSalimberi’s;myheartispureandinnocent,IfeelthatIcanremainfaithfultomyloverthroughmywholelife。Donotabandonme。TheloveIhaveforyouissincere;
  myaffectionforSalimberiwasinnocent;itwasbornofmyinexperienceandofmygratitude,anditisonlywithyouthatIhavefeltmyselftrulyawoman。"
  Heremotion,aninexpressiblecharmwhichseemedtoflowfromherlipsandtoenforceconviction,mademeshedtearsofloveandsympathy。Iblendedmytearswiththosefallingfromherbeautifuleyes,anddeeplymoved,Ipromisednottoabandonherandtomakeherthesharerofmyfate。Interestedinthehistory,assingularasextraordinary,thatshehadjustnarrated,andhavingseennothinginitthatdidnotbearthestampoftruth,IfeltreallydisposedtomakeherhappybutIcouldnotbelievethatIhadinspiredherwithaverydeeppassionduringmyshortstayinAncona,manycircumstancesofwhichmight,onthecontrary,havehadanoppositeeffectuponherheart。
  "Ifyoulovedmetruly,"Isaid,"howcouldyouletmesleepwithyoursisters,outofspiteatyourresistance?"
  "Alas,dearest!thinkofourgreatpoverty,andhowdifficultitwasformetodiscovermyself。Ilovedyou;butwasitnotnaturalthatIshouldsupposeyourinclinationformeonlyapassingcaprice?
  WhenIsawyougosoeasilyfromCeciliatoMarinetta,Ithoughtthatyouwouldtreatmeinthesamemannerassoonasyourdesiresweresatisfied,Iwaslikewiseconfirmedinmyopinionofyourwantofconstancyandofthelittleimportanceyouattachedtothedelicacyofthesentimentoflove,whenIwitnessedwhatyoudidonboardtheTurkishvesselwithoutbeinghinderedbymypresence;hadyoulovedme,Ithoughtmybeingpresentwouldhavemadeyouuncomfortable。I
  fearedtobesoondespised,andGodknowshowmuchIsuffered!Youhaveinsultedme,darling,inmanydifferentways,butmyheartpleadedinyourfavour,becauseIknewyouwereexcited,angry,andthirstingforrevenge。Didyounotthreatenmethisverydayinyourcarriage?Iconfessyougreatlyfrightenedme,butdonotfancythatIgavemyselftoyououtoffear。No,IhadmadeupmymindtobeyoursfromthemomentyousentmewordbyCeciliathatyouwouldtakemetoRimini,andyourcontroloveryourownfeelingsduringapartofourjourneyconfirmedmeinmyresolution,forIthoughtIcouldtrustmyselftoyourhonour,toyourdelicacy。"
  "Throwup,"Isaid,"theengagementyouhaveinRimini;letusproceedonourjourney,and,afterremainingacoupleofdaysinBologna,youwillgowithmetoVenice;dressedasawoman,andwithanothername,Iwouldchallengethemanagerheretofindyouout。"
  "Iaccept。Yourwillshallalwaysbemylaw。Iammyownmistress,andIgivemyselftoyouwithoutanyreserveorrestriction;myheartbelongstoyou,andItrusttokeepyours。"
  Manhasinhimselfamoralforceofactionwhichalwaysmakeshimoverstepthelineonwhichheisstanding。Ihadobtainedeverything,Iwantedmore。"Shewme,"Isaid,"howyouwerewhenI
  mistookyouforaman。"Shegotoutofbed,openedhertrunk,tookouttheinstrumentandfixeditwiththegum:Iwascompelledtoadmiretheingenuityofthecontrivance。Mycuriositywassatisfied,andIpassedamostdelightfulnightinherarms。
  WhenIwokeupinthemorning,Iadmiredherlovelyfacewhileshewassleeping:allIknewofhercamebacktomymind;thewordswhichhadbeenspokenbyherbewitchingmouth,herraretalent,hercandour,herfeelingssofullofdelicacy,andhermisfortunes,theheaviestofwhichmusthavebeenthefalsecharactershehadbeencompelledtoassume,andwhichexposedhertohumiliationandshame,everythingstrengthenedmyresolutiontomakeherthecompanionofmydestiny,whateveritmightbe,ortofollowherfate,forourpositionswereverynearlythesame;andwishingtrulytoattachmyselfseriouslytothatinterestingbeing,Ideterminedtogivetoourunionthesanctionofreligionandoflaw,andtotakeherlegallyformywife。Suchastep,asIthenthought,couldbutstrengthenourlove,increaseourmutualesteem,andinsuretheapprobationofsocietywhichcouldnotacceptourunionunlessitwassanctionedintheusualmanner。
  ThetalentsofThereseprecludedthefearofourbeingeverinwantofthenecessariesoflife,and,althoughIdidnotknowinwhatwaymyowntalentsmightbemadeavailable,Ihadfaithinmyself。Ourlovemighthavebeenlessened,shewouldhaveenjoyedtoogreatadvantagesoverme,andmyself—dignitywouldhavetoodeeplysufferedifIhadallowedmyselftobesupportedbyherearningsonly。Itmight,afteratime,havealteredthenatureofourfeelings;mywife,nolongerthinkingherselfunderanyobligationtome,mighthavefanciedherselftheprotecting,insteadoftheprotectedparty,andIfeltthatmylovewouldsoonhaveturnedintouttercontempt,ifithadbeenmymisfortunetofindherharbouringsuchthoughts。AlthoughItrusteditwouldnotbeso,Iwanted,beforetakingtheimportantstepofmarriage,toprobeherheart,andIresolvedtotryanexperimentwhichwouldatonceenablemetojudgetherealfeelingsofherinmostsoul。Assoonasshewasawake,Ispoketoherthus:
  "DearestTherese,allyouhavetoldmeleavesmenodoubtofyourloveforme,andtheconsciousnessyoufeelofbeingthemistressofmyheartenhancesmyloveforyoutosuchadegree,thatIamreadytodoeverythingtoconvinceyouthatyouwerenotmistakeninthinkingthatyouhadentirelyconqueredme。IwishtoprovetoyouthatIamworthyofthenobleconfidenceyouhavereposedinmebytrustingyouwithequalsincerity。
  "Ourheartsmustbeonafootingofperfectequality。Iknowyou,mydearestTherese,butyoudonotknowmeyet。Icanreadinyoureyesthatyoudonotmindit,anditprovesourgreatlove,butthatfeelingplacesmetoomuchbelowyou,andIdonotwishyoutohavesogreatanadvantageoverme。Ifeelcertainthatmyconfidenceisnotnecessarytoyourlove;thatyouonlycaretobemine,thatyouronlywishistopossessmyheart,andIadmireyou,myTherese;butI
  shouldfeelhumiliatedifIfoundmyselfeithertoomuchaboveortoomuchbelowyou。Youhaveentrustedyoursecretstome,nowlistentomine;butbeforeIbegin,promisemethat,whenyouknoweverythingthatconcernsme,youwilltellmecandidlyifanychangehastakenplaceeitherinyourfeelingsorinyourhopes。"
  "Ipromiseitfaithfully;Ipromisenottoconcealanythingfromyou;
  butbeuprightenoughnottotellmeanythingthatisnotperfectlytrue,forIwarnyouthatitwouldbeuseless。IfyoutriedanyartificeinordertofindmelessworthyofyouthanIaminreality,youwouldonlysucceedinloweringyourselfinmyestimation。I
  shouldbeverysorrytoseeyouguiltyofanycunningtowardsme。
  HavenomoresuspicionofmethanIhaveofyou;tellmethewholetruth。"
  "Hereitis。Yousupposemewealthy,andIamnotso;assoonaswhatthereisnowinmypurseisspentIshallhavenothingleft。
  YoumayfancythatIwasbornapatrician,butmysocialconditionisreallyinferiortoyourown。Ihavenolucrativetalents,noprofession,nothingtogivemetheassurancethatIamabletoearnmyliving。Ihaveneitherrelativesnorfriends,norclaimsuponanyone,andIhavenoseriousplanorpurposebeforeme。AllI
  possessisyouth,health,courage,someintelligence,honour,honesty,andsometinctureofletters。Mygreatesttreasureconsistsinbeingmyownmaster,perfectlyindependent,andnotafraidofmisfortune。Withallthat,Iamnaturallyinclinedtoextravagance。
  LovelyTherese,youhavemyportrait。Whatisyouranswer?"
  "Inthefirstplace,dearest,letmeassureyouthatIbelieveeverywordyouhavejustuttered,asIwouldbelieveintheGospel;inthesecond,allowmetotellyouthatseveraltimesinAnconaIhavejudgedyousuchasyouhavejustdescribedyourself,butfarfrombeingdispleasedatsuchaknowledgeofyournature,Iwasonlyafraidofsomeillusiononmypart,forIcouldhopetowinyouifyouwerewhatIthoughtyoutobe。Inoneword,dearone,ifitistruethatyouarepoorandaverybadhandateconomy,allowmetotellyouthatIfeeldelighted,because,ifyouloveme,youwillnotrefuseapresentfromme,ordespisemeforofferingit。Thepresentconsistsofmyself,suchasIam,andwithallmyfaculties。Igivemyselftoyouwithoutanycondition,withnorestriction;Iamyours,Iwilltakecareofyou。Forthefuturethinkonlyofyourloveforme,butlovemeexclusively。FromthismomentIamnolongerBellino。LetusgotoVenice,wheremytalentwillkeepusbothcomfortably;ifyouwishtogoanywhereelse,letusgowhereyouplease。"
  "ImustgotoConstantinople。"
  "ThenletusproceedtoConstantinople。Ifyouareafraidtolosemethroughwantofconstancy,marryme,andyourrightovermewillbestrengthenedbylaw。IshouldnotloveyoubetterthanIdonow,butIshouldbehappytobeyourwife。"
  "Itismyintentiontomarryyou,andIamdelightedthatweagreeinthatrespect。Thedayafterto—morrow,inBologna,youshallbemademylegal—wifebeforethealtarofGod;IswearittoyouhereinthepresenceofLove。Iwantyoutobemine,Iwanttobeyours,Iwantustobeunitedbythemostholyties。"
  "Iamthehappiestofwomen!WehavenothingtodoinRimini;
  supposewedonotgetup;wecanhaveourdinnerinbed,andgoawayto—morrowwellrestedafterourfatigues。"
  WeleftRiminithenextday,andstayedforbreakfastatPesaro。Asweweregettingintothecarriagetoleavethatplace,anofficer,accompaniedbytwosoldiers,presentedhimself,enquiredforournames,anddemandedourpassports。Bellinohadoneandgaveit,butIlookedinvainformine;Icouldnotfindit。
  Theofficer,acorporal,ordersthepostilliontowaitandgoestomakehisreport。Halfanhourafterwards,hereturns,givesBellinohispassport,sayingthathecancontinuehisjourney,buttellsmethathisordersaretoescortmetothecommandingofficer,andI
  followhim。
  "Whathaveyoudonewithyourpassport?"enquiresthatofficer。
  "Ihavelostit。"
  "Apassportisnotsoeasilylost。"
  "Well,Ihavelostmine。"
  "Youcannotproceedanyfurther。"
  "IcomefromRome,andIamgoingtoConstantinople,bearingaletterfromCardinalAcquaviva。Hereistheletterstampedwithhisseal。"
  "AllIcandoforyouistosendyoutoM。deGages。"
  Ifoundthefamousgeneralstanding,surroundedbyhisstaff。ItoldhimallIhadalreadyexplainedtotheofficer,andbeggedhimtoletmecontinuemyjourney。
  "TheonlyfavourIcangrantyouistoputyouunderarresttillyoureceiveanotherpassportfromRomedeliveredunderthesamenameastheoneyouhavegivenhere。Toloseapassportisamisfortunewhichbefallsonlyathoughtless,giddyman,andthecardinalwillforthefutureknowbetterthantoputhisconfidenceinagiddyfellowlikeyou。"
  Withthesewords,hegaveorderstotakemetotheguard—houseatSt。
  Mary’sGate,outsidethecity,assoonasIshouldhavewrittentothecardinalforanewpassport。Hisorderswereexecuted。Iwasbroughtbacktotheinn,whereIwrotemyletter,andIsentitbyexpresstohiseminence,entreatinghimtoforwardthedocument,withoutlossoftime,directtothewaroffice。ThenIembracedTheresewhowasweeping,and,tellinghertogotoRiminiandtowaitthereformyreturn,Imadehertakeonehundredsequins。ShewishedtoremaininPesaro,butIwouldnothearofit;Ihadmytrunkbroughtout,IsawTheresegoawayfromtheinn,andwastakentotheplaceappointedbythegeneral。
  Itisundoubtedlyundersuchcircumstancesthatthemostdeterminedoptimistfindshimselfataloss;butaneasystoicismcanbluntthetoosharpedgeofmisfortune。
  Mygreatestsorrowwastheheart—griefofTheresewho,seeingmetornfromherarmsattheverymomentofourunion,wassuffocatedbythetearswhichshetriedtorepress。ShewouldnothaveleftmeifI
  hadnotmadeherunderstandthatshecouldnotremaininPesaro,andifIhadnotpromisedtojoinherwithintendays,nevertobepartedagain。Butfatehaddecidedotherwise。
  Whenwereachedthegate,theofficerconfinedmeimmediatelyintheguard—house,andIsatdownonmytrunk。TheofficerwasataciturnSpaniardwhodidnotevencondescendtohonourmewithananswer,whenItoldhimthatIhadmoneyandwouldliketohavesomeonetowaitonme。Ihadtopassthenightonalittlestraw,andwithoutfood,inthemidstoftheSpanishsoldiers。Itwasthesecondnightofthesortthatmydestinyhadcondemnedmeto,immediatelyaftertwodelightfulnights。Mygoodangeldoubtlessfoundsomepleasureinbringingsuchconjunctionsbeforemymindforthebenefitofmyinstruction。Atallevents,teachingsofthatdescriptionhaveaninfallibleeffectuponnaturesofapeculiarstamp。
  Ifyoushouldwishtoclosethelipsofalogiciancallinghimselfaphilosopher,whodarestoarguethatinthislifegriefoverbalancespleasure,askhimwhetherhewouldacceptalifeentirelywithoutsorrowandhappiness。Becertainthathewillnotansweryou,orhewillshuffle,because,ifhesaysno,heprovesthathelikeslifesuchasitis,andifhelikesit,hemustfinditagreeable,whichisanutterimpossibility,iflifeispainful;shouldhe,onthecontrary,answerintheaffirmative,hewoulddeclarehimselfafool,foritwouldbeasmuchastosaythathecanconceivepleasurearisingfromindifference,whichisabsurdnonsense。
  Sufferingisinherentinhumannature;butweneversufferwithoutentertainingthehopeofrecovery,or,atleast,veryseldomwithoutsuchhope,andhopeitselfisapleasure。Ifithappenssometimesthatmansufferswithoutanyexpectationofacure,henecessarilyfindspleasureinthecompletecertaintyoftheendofhislife;fortheworst,inallcases,mustbeeitherasleeparisingfromextremedejection,duringwhichwehavetheconsolationofhappydreamsorthelossofallsensitiveness。Butwhenwearehappy,ourhappinessisneverdisturbedbythethoughtthatitwillbefollowedbygrief。
  Thereforepleasure,duringitsactiveperiod,isalwayscomplete,withoutalloy;griefisalwayssoothedbyhope。
  Isupposeyou,dearreader,attheageoftwenty,anddevotingyourselftothetaskofmakingamanofyourselfbyfurnishingyourmindwithalltheknowledgenecessarytorenderyouausefulbeingthroughtheactivityofyourbrain。Someonecomesinandtellsyou,"Ibringyouthirtyyearsofexistence;itistheimmutabledecreeoffate;fifteenconsecutiveyearsmustbehappy,andfifteenyearsunhappy。Youareatlibertytochoosethehalfbywhichyouwishtobegin。"
  Confessitcandidly,dearreader,youwillnotrequiremuchmoreconsiderationtodecide,andyouwillcertainlybeginbytheunhappyseriesofyears,becauseyouwillfeelthattheexpectationoffifteendelightfulyearscannotfailtobraceyouupwiththecouragenecessarytobeartheunfortunateyearsyouhavetogothrough,andwecanevensurmise,witheveryprobabilityofbeingright,thatthecertaintyoffuturehappinesswillsoothetoaconsiderableextentthemiseryofthefirstperiod。
  Youhavealreadyguessed,Ihavenodoubt,thepurposeofthislengthyargument。Thesagaciousman,believeme,canneverbeutterlymiserable,andImostwillinglyagreewithmyfriendHorace,whosaysthat,onthecontrary,suchamanisalwayshappy。
  ’Nisiquumpituitamolestaest。’
  But,praywhereisthemanwhoisalwayssufferingfromarheum?
  ThefactisthatthefearfulnightIpassedintheguardhouseofSt。
  Maryresultedformeinaslightlossandinagreatgain。ThesmalllosswastobeawayfrommydearTherese,but,beingcertainofseeingherwithintendays,themisfortunewasnotverygreat:astothegain,itwasinexperiencethetrueschoolforaman。Igainedacompletesystemagainstthoughtlessness,asystemofforesight。Youmaysafelybetahundredtoonethatayoungmanwhohasoncelosthispurseorhispassport,willnotloseeitherasecondtime。Eachofthosemisfortuneshasbefallenmeonceonly,andImighthavebeenveryoftenthevictimofthem,ifexperiencehadnottaughtmehowmuchtheyweretobedreaded。Athoughtlessfellowisamanwhohasnotyetfoundtheworddreadinthedictionaryofhislife。
  Theofficerwhorelievedmycross—grainedCastilianonthefollowingdayseemedofadifferentnaturealtogether;hisprepossessingcountenancepleasedmemuch。HewasaFrenchman,andImustsaythatIhavealwayslikedtheFrench,andnevertheSpainards;thereisinthemannersofthefirstsomethingsoengaging,soobliging,thatyoufeelattractedtowardsthemastowardsafriend,whilstanairofunbecominghaughtinessgivestothesecondadark,forbiddingcountenancewhichcertainlydoesnotprepossessintheirfavour。YetIhaveoftenbeendupedbyFrenchmen,andneverbySpaniards——aproofthatweoughttomistrustourtastes。
  Thenewofficer,approachingmeverypolitely,saidtome,——
  "Towhatchance,reverendsir,amIindebtedforthehonourofhavingyouinmycustody?"
  Ah!herewasawayofspeakingwhichrestoredtomylungsalltheirelasticity!Igavehimalltheparticularsofmymisfortune,andhefoundthemishapveryamusing。Butamandisposedtolaughatmydisappointmentcouldnotbedisagreeabletome,foritprovedthattheturnofhismindhadmorethanonepointofresemblancewithmine。Hegavemeatonceasoldiertoserveme,andIhadveryquicklyabed,atable,andafewchairs。Hewaskindenoughtohavemybedplacedinhisownroom,andIfeltverygratefultohimforthatdelicateattention。
  Hegavemeaninvitationtosharehisdinner,andproposedagameofpiquetafterwards,butfromtheverybeginninghesawthatIwasnomatchforhim;hetoldmeso,andhewarnedmethattheofficerwhowouldrelievehimthenextdaywasabetterplayereventhanhewashimself;Ilostthreeorfourducats。Headvisedmetoabstainfromplayingonthefollowingday,andIfollowedhisadvice。Hetoldmealsothathewouldhavecompanytosupper,thattherewouldbeagameoffaro,butthatthebankerbeingaGreekandacraftyplayer,I
  oughtnottoplay。Ithoughthisadviceveryconsiderate,particularlywhenIsawthatallthepunterslost,andthattheGreek,verycalminthemidstoftheinsultingtreatmentofthosehehadduped,waspocketinghismoney,afterhandingasharetotheofficerwhohadtakenaninterestinthebank。ThenameofthebankerwasDonPepeilCadetto,andbyhisaccentIknewhewasaNeapolitan。Icommunicatedmydiscoverytotheofficer,askinghimwhyhehadtoldmethatthemanwasaGreek。Heexplainedtomethemeaningofthewordgreekappliedtoagambler,andthelessonwhichfollowedhisexplanationprovedveryusefultomeinafteryears。
  Duringthefivefollowingdays,mylifewasuniformandratherdull,butonthesixthdaythesameFrenchofficerwasonguard,andIwasverygladtoseehim。Hetoldme,withaheartylaugh,thathewasdelightedtofindmestillintheguard—house,andIacceptedthecomplimentforwhatitwasworth。Intheevening,wehadthesamebankatfaro,withthesameresultasthefirsttime,exceptaviolentblowfromthestickofoneofthepuntersuponthebackofthebanker,ofwhichtheGreekstoicallyfeignedtotakenonotice。
  IsawthesamemanagainnineyearsafterwardsinVienna,captainintheserviceofMariaTheresa;hethencalledhimselfd’Afflisso。Tenyearslater,Ifoundhimacolonel,andsometimeafterworthamillion;butthelasttimeIsawhim,somethirteenorfourteenyearsago,hewasagalleyslave。Hewashandsome,but(ratherasingularthing)inspiteofhisbeauty,hehadagallowslook。Ihaveseenotherswiththesamestamp——Cagliostro,forinstance,andanotherwhohasnotyetbeensenttothegalleys,butwhocannotfailtopaythemavisit。Shouldthereaderfeelanycuriosityaboutit,Icanwhisperthenameinhisear。
  Towardstheninthortenthdayeveryoneinthearmyknewandlikedme,andIwasexpectingthepassport,whichcouldnotbedelayedmuchlonger。Iwasalmostfree,andIwouldoftenwalkaboutevenoutofsightofthesentinel。Theywerequiterightnottofearmyrunningaway,andIshouldhavebeenwrongifIhadthoughtofescaping,butthemostsingularadventureofmylifehappenedtomethen,andmostunexpectedly。
  Itwasaboutsixinthemorning。Iwastakingawalkwithinonehundredyardsofthesentinel,whenanofficerarrivedandalightedfromhishorse,threwthebridleontheneckofhissteed,andwalkedoff。Admiringthedocilityofthehorse,standingtherelikeafaithfulservanttowhomhismasterhasgivenorderstowaitforhimIgotuptohim,andwithoutanypurposeIgetholdofthebridle,putmyfootinthestirrup,andfindmyselfinthesaddle。Iwasonhorsebackforthefirsttimeinmylife。IdonotknowwhetherI
  touchedthehorsewithmycaneorwithmyheels,butsuddenlytheanimalstartsatfullspeed。Myrightfoothavingslippedoutofthestirrup,Ipressagainstthehorsewithmyheels,and,feelingthepressure,itgallopsfasterandfaster,forIdidnotknowhowtocheckit。Atthelastadvancedpostthesentinelscallouttometostop;butIcannotobeytheorder,andthehorsecarryingmeawayfasterthanever,Ihearthewhizzingofafewmusketballs,thenaturalconsequenceofmy,involuntarydisobedience。Atlast,whenI
  reachthefirstadvancedpicketoftheAustrians,thehorseisstopped,andIgetoffhisbackthankingGod。
  AnofficerofHussarsaskswhereIamrunningsofast,andmytongue,quickerthanmythought,answerswithoutanyprivityonmypart,thatIcanrendernoaccountbuttoPrinceLobkowitz,commander—in—chiefofthearmy,whoseheadquarterswereatRimini。Hearingmyanswer,theofficergaveordersfortwoHussarstogetonhorseback,afreshoneisgivenme,andIamtakenatfullgalloptoRimini,wheretheofficeronguardhasmeescortedatoncetotheprince。
  Ifindhishighnessalone,andItellhimcandidlywhathasjusthappenedtome。Mystorymakeshimlaugh,althoughheobservesthatitishardlycredible。
  "Iought,"hesays,"toputyouunderarrest,butIamwillingtosaveyouthatunpleasantness。"WiththathecalledoneofhisofficersandorderedhimtoescortmethroughtheCesenaGate。"Thenyoucangowhereveryouplease,"headded,turningroundtome;"buttakecarenottoagainenterthelinesofmyarmywithoutapassport,oryoumightfarebadly。"
  Iaskedhimtoletmehavethehorseagain,butheansweredthattheanimaldidnotbelongtome。IforgottoaskhimtosendmebacktotheplaceIhadcomefrom,andIregrettedit;butafterallperhapsIdidforthebest。
  Theofficerwhoaccompaniedmeaskedme,aswewerepassingacoffee—
  house,whetherIwouldliketotakesomechocolate,andwewentin。
  AtthatmomentIsawPetroniogoingby,andavailingmyselfofamomentwhentheofficerwastalkingtosomeone,Itoldhimnottoappeartobeacquaintedwithme,buttotellmewherehelived。Whenwehadtakenourchocolatetheofficerpaidandwewentout。Alongtheroadwekeptuptheconversation;hetoldmehisname,Igavehimmine,andIexplainedhowIfoundmyselfinRimini。HeaskedmewhetherIhadnotremainedsometimeinAncona;Iansweredintheaffirmative,andhesmiledandsaidIcouldgetapassportinBologna,returntoRiminiandtoPesarowithoutanyfear,andrecovermytrunkbypayingtheofficerforthehorsehehadlost。Wereachedthegate,hewishedmeapleasantjourney,andwepartedcompany。
  Ifoundmyselffree,withgoldandjewels,butwithoutmytrunk。
  TheresewasinRimini,andIcouldnotenterthatcity。ImadeupmymindtogotoBolognaasquicklyaspossibleinordertogetapassport,andtoreturntoPesaro,whereIshouldfindmypassportfromRome,forIcouldnotmakeupmymindtolosemytrunk,andI
  didnotwanttobeseparatedfromThereseuntiltheendofherengagementwiththemanageroftheRiminiTheatre。
  Itwasraining;Ihadsilkstockingson,andIlongedforacarriage。
  Itookshelterundertheportalofachurch,andturnedmyfineovercoatinsideout,soasnottolooklikeanabbe。Atthatmomentapeasanthappenedtocomealong,andIaskedhimifacarriagecouldbehadtodrivemetoCesena。"Ihaveone,sir,"hesaid,"butI
  livehalfaleaguefromhere。"
  "Goandgetit,Iwillwaitforyouhere。"
  WhileIwaswaitingforthereturnofthepeasantwithhisvehicle,somefortymulesladenwithprovisionscamealongtheroadtowardsRimini。Itwasstillrainingfast,andthemulespassingclosebyme,Iplacedmyhandmechanicallyupontheneckofoneofthem,andfollowingtheslowpaceoftheanimalsIre—enteredRiminiwithouttheslightestnoticebeingtakenofme,evenbythedriversofthemules。IgavesomemoneytothefirststreeturchinImet,andhetookmetoTherese’shouse。
  Withmyhairfastenedunderanight—cap,myhatpulleddownovermyface,andmyfinecaneconcealedundermycoat,Ididnotlookaveryelegantfigure。IenquiredforBellino’smother,andthemistressofthehousetookmetoaroomwhereIfoundallthefamily,andThereseinawoman’sdress。Ihadreckoneduponsurmisingthem,butPetroniohadtoldthemofourmeeting,andtheywereexpectingme。Igaveafullaccountofmyadventures,butTherese,frightenedatthedangerthatthreatenedme,andinspiteofherlove,toldmethatitwasabsolutelynecessaryformetogotoBologna,asIhadbeenadvisedbyM。Vais,theofficer。
  "Iknowhim,"shesaid,"andheisaworthyman,buthecomeshereeveryevening,andyoumustconcealyourself。"
  Itwasonlyeighto’clockinthemorning;wehadthewholedaybeforeus,andeveryonepromisedtobediscreet。IallayedTherese’sanxietybytellingherthatIcouldeasilycontrivetoleavethecitywithoutbeingobserved。
  Theresetookmetoherownroom,whereshetoldmethatshehadmetthemanagerofthetheatreonherarrivalinRimini,andthathehadtakenheratoncetotheapartmentsengagedforthefamily。Shehadinformedhimthatshewasawoman,andthatshehadmadeuphermindnottoappearasacastratoanymore;hehadexpressedhimselfdelightedatsuchnews,becausewomencouldappearonthestageatRimini,whichwasnotunderthesamelegateasAncona。Sheaddedthatherengagementwouldbeatanendbythe1stofMay,andthatshewouldmeetmewhereveritwouldbeagreeabletometowaitforher。
  "AssoonasIcangetapassport,"Isaid,"thereisnothingtohindermefromremainingnearyouuntiltheendofyourengagement。
  ButasM。Vaiscallsuponyou,tellmewhetheryouhaveinformedhimofmyhavingspentafewdaysinAncona?"
  "Idid,andIeventoldhimthatyouhadbeenarrestedbecauseyouhadlostyourpassport。"
  Iunderstoodwhytheofficerhadsmiledashewastalkingwithme。
  AftermyconversationwithTherese,IreceivedthecomplimentsofthemotherandoftheyoungsisterswhoappearedtomelesscheerfulandlessfreethantheyhadbeeninAncona。TheyfeltthatBellino,transformedintoTherese,wastooformidablearival。Ilistenedpatientlytoallthecomplaintsofthemotherwhomaintainedthat,ingivingupthecharacterofcastrato,Theresehadbiddenadieutofortune,becauseshemighthaveearnedathousandsequinsayearinRome。
  "InRome,mygoodwoman,"Isaid,"thefalseBellinowouldhavebeenfoundout,andTheresewouldhavebeenconsignedtoamiserableconventforwhichshewasnevermade。"
  Notwithstandingthedangerofmyposition,Ispentthewholeofthedayalonewithmybelovedmistress,anditseemedthateverymomentgaveherfreshbeautiesandincreasedmylove。Ateighto’clockintheevening,hearingsomeonecomingin,sheleftme,andIremainedinthedark,butinsuchapositionthatIcouldseeeverythingandheareveryword。TheBaronVaiscamein,andTheresegavehimherhandwiththegraceofaprettywomanandthedignityofaprincess。
  Thefirstthinghetoldherwasthenewsaboutme;sheappearedtobepleased,andlistenedwithwell—feignedindifference,whenhesaidthathehadadvisedmetoreturnwithapassport。Hespentanhourwithher,andIwasthoroughlywellpleasedwithhermannersandbehaviour,whichhadbeensuchastoleavemenoroomfortheslightestfeelingofjealousy。MarinalightedhimoutandTheresereturnedtome。Wehadajoyoussuppertogether,and,asweweregettingreadytogotobed,PetroniocametoinformmethattenmuleteerswouldstartforCesenatwohoursbeforeday—break,andthathewassureIcouldleavethecitywiththemifIwouldgoandmeetthemaquarterofanhourbeforetheirdeparture,andtreatthemtosomethingtodrink。Iwasofthesameopinion,andmadeupmymindtomaketheattempt。IaskedPetroniotositupandtowakemeingoodtime。Itprovedanunnecessaryprecaution,forIwasreadybeforethetime,andleftTheresesatisfiedwithmylove,withoutanydoubtofmyconstancy,butratheranxiousastomysuccessinattemptingtoleaveRimini。Shehadsixtysequinswhichshewantedtoforcebackuponme,butIaskedherwhatopinionshewouldhaveofmeifIacceptedthem,andwesaidnomoreaboutit。
  Iwenttothestable,andhavingtreatedoneofthemuleteerstosomedrinkItoldhimthatIwouldwillinglyrideoneofhismulesasfarasSarignan。
  "Youarewelcometotheride,"saidthegoodfellow,"butIwouldadviseyounottogetonthemuletillweareoutsidethecity,andtopassthroughthegateonfootasifyouwereoneofthedrivers。"
  ItwasexactlywhatIwanted。Petronioaccompaniedmeasfarasthegate,whereIgavehimasubstantialproofofmygratitude。Igotoutofthecitywithouttheslightestdifficulty,andleftthemuleteersatSarignan,whenceIpostedtoBologna。