"Well,Iwillremainuntilthedayafterto—morrow,providedyoukeepmecompanytonight。"
"Doyoulovemeverymuch?"
"Verymuchindeed,ifyoushewyourselfverykind。"
"Iwillbeverykind,forIloveyoudearlylikewise。Iwillgoandtellmymother。"
"Ofcourseyouhavealover?"
"Ineverhadone。"
Sheleftmyroom,andinashorttimecamebackfullofjoy,sayingthathermotherbelievedmeanhonestman;sheofcoursemeantagenerousone。Cecilialockedthedoor,andthrowingherselfinmyarmscoveredmewithkisses。Shewaspretty,charming,butIwasnotinlovewithher,andIwasnotabletosaytoherastoLucrezia:"
Youhavemademesohappy!"Butshesaiditherself,andIdidnotfeelmuchflattered,althoughIpretendedtobelieveher。WhenI
wokeupinthemorningIgaveheratendersalutation,andpresentingherwiththreedoubloons,whichmusthaveparticularlydelightedthemother,Isentherawaywithoutlosingmytimeinpromisingeverlastingconstancy——apromiseasabsurdasitistrifling,andwhichthemostvirtuousmanoughtnevertomakeeventothemostbeautifulofwomen。
AfterbreakfastIsentforminehostandorderedanexcellentsupperforfivepersons,feelingcertainthatDonSancio,whomIexpectedintheevening,wouldnotrefusetohonourmebyacceptingmyinvitation,andwiththatideaImadeupmymindtogowithoutmydinner。TheBolognesefamilydidnotrequiretoimitatemydiettoinsureagoodappetitefortheevening。
IthensummonedBellinotomyroom,andclaimedtheperformanceofhispromisebuthelaughed,remarkedthatthedaywasnotpassedyet,andsaidthathewascertainoftravelingwithme。
"IfairlywarnyouthatyoucannotaccompanymeunlessIamfullysatisfied。"
"Well,Iwillsatisfyyou。"
"Shallwegoandtakeawalktogether?"
"Willingly;Iwilldressmyself。"
WhileIwaswaitingforhim,Marinacameinwithadejectedcountenance,enquiringhowshehaddeservedmycontempt。
"Ceciliahaspassedthenightwithyou,Bellinowillgowithyouto—
morrow,Iamthemostunfortunateofusall。"
"Doyouwantmoney?"
"No,forIloveyou。"
"But,Marinetta,youaretooyoung。"
"Iammuchstrongerthanmysister。"
"Perhapsyouhavealover。"
"Oh!no。"
"Verywell,wecantrythisevening。"
"Good!ThenIwilltellmothertopreparecleansheetsforto—morrowmorning;otherwiseeverybodyherewouldknowthatIsleptwithyou。"
Icouldnothelpadmiringthefruitsofatheatricaleducation,andwasmuchamused。
Bellinocameback,wewentouttogether,andwetookourwalktowardstheharbour。Therewereseveralvesselsatanchor,andamongstthemaVenetianshipandaTurkishtartan。Wewentonboardthefirstwhichwevisitedwithinterest,butnotseeinganyoneofmyacquaintance,werowedtowardstheTurkishtartan,wherethemostromanticsurpriseawaitedme。ThefirstpersonImetonboardwasthebeautifulGreekwomanIhadleftinAncona,sevenmonthsbefore,whenIwentawayfromthelazzaretto。Shewasseatedneartheoldcaptain,ofwhomIenquired,withoutappearingtonoticehishandsomeslave,whetherhehadanyfinegoodstosell。Hetookustohiscabin,butasIcastaglancetowardsthecharmingGreek,sheexpressedbyherlooksallherdelightatsuchanunexpectedmeeting。
IpretendednottobepleasedwiththegoodsshewnbytheTurk,andundertheimpulseofinspirationItoldhimthatIwouldwillinglybuysomethingprettywhichwouldtakethefancyofhisbetter—half。
Hesmiled,andtheGreekslave—havingwhisperedafewwordstohim,heleftthecabin。Themomenthewasoutofsight,thisnewAspasiathrewherselfinmyarms,saying,"Nowisyourtime!"Iwouldnotbefoundwantingincourage,andtakingthemostconvenientpositioninsuchaplace,Ididtoherinoneinstantthatwhichheroldmasterhadnotdoneinfiveyears。Ihadnotyetreachedthegoalofmywishes,whentheunfortunategirl,hearinghermaster,toreherselffrommyarmswithadeepsigh,andplacingherselfcunninglyinfrontofme,gavemetimetorepairthedisorderofmydress,whichmighthavecostmemylife,oratleastallIpossessedtocompromisetheaffair。Inthatcurioussituation,IwashighlyamusedatthesurpriseofBellino,whostoodtheretremblinglikeanaspenleaf。
Thetrifleschosenbythehandsomeslavecostmeonlythirtysequins。
’Spolaitis’,shesaidtomeinherownlanguage,andtheTurktellingherthatsheoughttokissme,shecoveredherfacewithherhands,andranaway。Ilefttheshipmoresadthanpleased,forIregrettedthat,inspiteofhercourage,sheshouldhaveenjoyedonlyanincompletepleasure。Assoonaswewereinourrowboat,Bellino,whohadrecoveredfromhisfright,toldmethatIhadjustmadehimacquaintedwithaphenomenon,therealityofwhichhecouldnotadmit,andwhichgavehimaverystrangeideaofmynature;that,asfarastheGreekgirlwasconcerned,hecouldnotmakeherout,unlessIshouldassurehimthateverywomaninhercountrywaslikeher。"Howunhappytheymustbe!"headded。
"Doyouthink,"Iasked,"thatcoquettesarehappier?"
"No,butIthinkthatwhenawomanyieldstolove,sheshouldnotbeconqueredbeforeshehasfoughtwithherowndesires;sheshouldnotgivewaytothefirstimpulseofalustfuldesireandabandonherselftothefirstmanwhotakesherfancy,likeananimal——theslaveofsense。YoumustconfessthattheGreekwomanhasgivenyouanevidentproofthatyouhadtakenherfancy,butthatshehasatthesametimegivenyouaproofnotlesscertainofherbeastlylust,andofaneffronterywhichexposedhertotheshameofbeingrepulsed,forshecouldnotpossiblyknowwhetheryouwouldfeelaswelldisposedforherasshefeltforyou。Sheisveryhandsome,anditallturnedoutwell,buttheadventurehasthrownmeintoawhirlpoolofagitationwhichIcannotyetcontrol。"
ImighteasilyhaveputastoptoBellino’sperplexity,andrectifiedthemistakehewaslabouringunder;butsuchaconfessionwouldnothaveministeredtomyself—love,andIheldmypeace,for,ifBellinohappenedtobeagirl,asIsuspected,IwantedhertobeconvincedthatIattached,afterall,butverylittleimportancetothegreataffair,andthatitwasnotworthwhileemployingcunningexpedientstoobtainit。
Wereturnedtotheinn,and,towardsevening,hearingDonSancio’stravellingcarriagerollintotheyard,Ihastenedtomeethim,andtoldhimthatIhopedhewouldexcusemeifIhadfeltcertainthathewouldnotrefusemethehonourofhiscompanytosupperwithBellino。HethankedmepolitelyforthepleasureIwassodelicatelyofferinghim,andacceptedmyinvitation。
Themostexquisitedishes,themostdeliciouswinesofSpain,and,morethaneverythingelse,thecheerfulnessandthecharmingvoicesofBellinoandofCecilia,gavetheCastilianfivedelightfulhours。
Heleftmeatmidnight,sayingthathecouldnotdeclarehimselfthoroughlypleasedunlessIpromisedtosupwithhimthenexteveningwiththesameguests。Itwouldcompelmetopostponemydepartureforanotherday,butIaccepted。
AssoonasDonSanciohadgone,IcalleduponBellinotofulfilhispromise,butheansweredthatMarinettawaswaitingforme,andthat,asIwasnotgoingawaythenextday,hewouldfindanopportunityofsatisfyingmydoubts;andwishingmeagoodnight,helefttheroom。
Marinetta,ascheerfulasalark,rantolockthedoorandcamebacktome,hereyesbeamingwithardour。ShewasmoreformedthanCecilia,althoughoneyearyounger,andseemedanxioustoconvincemeofhersuperiority,but,thinkingthatthefatigueoftheprecedingnightmighthaveexhaustedmystrength,sheunfoldedallthearmorousideasofhermind,explainedatlengthallsheknewofthegreatmysteryshewasgoingtoenactwithme,andofallthecontrivancesshehadhadrecoursetoinordertoacquireherimperfectknowledge,thewholeinterlardedwiththefoolishtalknaturaltoherage。I
madeoutthatshewasafraidofmynotfindingheramaiden,andofmyreproachingheraboutit。Heranxietypleasedme,andIgaveheranewconfidencebytellingherthatnaturehadrefusedtomanyyounggirlswhatiscalledmaidenhood,andthatonlyafoolcouldbeangrywithagirlforsuchareason。
Mysciencegavehercourageandconfidence,andIwascompelledtoacknowledgethatshewasverysuperiortohersister。
"Iamdelightedyoufindmeso,"shesaid;"wemustnotsleepatallthroughoutthenight。"
"Sleep,mydarling,willproveourfriend,andourstrengthrenewedbyreposewillrewardyouinthemorningforwhatyoumaysupposelosttime。"
Andtruly,afteraquietsleep,themorningwasforherasuccessionoffreshtriumphs,andIcrownedherhappinessbysendingherawaywiththreedoubloons,whichshetooktohermother,andwhichgavethegoodwomananinsatiabledesiretocontractnewobligationstowardsProvidence。
Iwentouttogetsomemoneyfromthebanker,asIdidnotknowwhatmighthappenduringmyjourney。Ihadenjoyedmyself,butIhadspenttoomuch:yettherewasBellinowho,ifagirl,wasnottofindmelessgenerousthanIhadbeenwiththetwoyoungsisters。Itwastobedecidedduringtheday,andIfanciedthatIwassureoftheresult。
Therearesomepersonswhopretendthatlifeisonlyasuccessionofmisfortunes,whichisasmuchastosaythatlifeitselfisamisfortune;butiflifeisamisfortune,deathmustbeexactlythereverseandthereforedeathmustbehappiness,sincedeathistheveryreverseoflife。Thatdeductionmayappeartoofinelydrawn。
Butthosewhosaythatlifeisasuccessionofmisfortunesarecertainlyeitherillorpoor;for,iftheyenjoyedgoodhealth,iftheyhadcheerfulnessintheirheartandmoneyintheirpurse,iftheyhadfortheirenjoymentaCecilia,aMarinetta,andevenamorelovelybeautyinperspective,theywouldsoonentertainaverydifferentopinionoflife!Iholdthemtobearaceofpessimists,recruitedamongstbeggarlyphilosophersandknavish,atrabilioustheologians。Ifpleasuredoesexist,andiflifeisnecessarytoenjoypleasure,thenlifeishappiness。Therearemisfortunes,asI
knowbyexperience;buttheveryexistenceofsuchmisfortunesprovesthatthesum—totalofhappinessisgreater。Becauseafewthornsaretobefoundinabasketfullofroses,istheexistenceofthosebeautifulflowerstobedenied?No;itisaslandertodenythatlifeishappiness。WhenIaminadarkroom,itpleasesmegreatlytoseethroughawindowanimmensehorizonbeforeme。
Assupper—timewasdrawingnear,IwenttoDonSancio,whomIfoundinmagnificently—furnishedapartments。Thetablewasloadedwithsilverplate,andhisservantswereinlivery。Hewasalone,butallhisguestsarrivedsoonafterme——Cecilia,Marina,andBellino,who,eitherbycapriceorfromtaste,wasdressedasawoman。Thetwoyoungsisters,prettilyarranged,lookedcharming,butBellino,inhisfemalecostume,socompletelythrewthemintotheshade,thatmylastdoubtvanished。
"Areyousatisfied,"IsaidtoDonSancio,"thatBellinoisawoman?"
"Womanorman,whatdoIcare!Ithinkheisaverypretty’castrato’,and’Ihaveseenmanyasgood—lookingasheis。"
"Butareyousureheisa’castrato’?"
"’ValgameDios’!"answeredthegraveCastilian,"Ihavenottheslightestwishtoascertainthetruth。"
Oh,howwidelydifferentourthoughtswere!IadmiredinhimthewisdomofwhichIwassomuchinneed,anddidnotventureuponanymoreindiscreetquestions。Duringthesupper,however,mygreedyeyescouldnotleavethatcharmingbeing;myviciousnaturecausedmetofeelintensevoluptuousnessinbelievinghimtobeofthatsextowhichIwantedhimtobelong。
DonSancio’ssupperwasexcellent,and,asamatterofcourse,superiortomine;otherwisetheprideoftheCastilianwouldhavefelthumbled。Asageneralrule,menarenotsatisfiedwithwhatisgood;theywantthebest,or,tospeakmoretothepoint,themost。
Hegaveuswhitetruffles,severalsortsofshell—fish,thebestfishoftheAdriatic,drychampagne,peralta,sherryandpedroximeneswines。
AfterthatsupperworthyofLucullus,Bellinosangwithavoiceofsuchbeautythatitdeprivedusofthesmallamountofreasonleftinusbytheexcellentwine。Hismovements,theexpressionofhislooks,hisgait,hiswalk,hiscountenance,hisvoice,and,aboveall,myowninstinct,whichtoldmethatIcouldnotpossiblyfeelforacastratowhatIfeltforBellino,confirmedmeinmyhopes;yetitwasnecessarythatmyeyesshouldascertainthetruth。
Aftermanycomplimentsandathousandthanks,wetookleaveofthegrandSpaniard,andwenttomyroom,wherethemysterywasatlasttobeunravelled。IcalleduponBellinotokeephisword,orI
threatenedtoleavehimalonethenextmorningatday—break。
Itookhimbythehand,andweseatedourselvesnearthefire。I
dismissedCeciliaandMarina,andIsaidtohim,"Bellino,everythingmusthaveanend;youhavepromised:itwillsoonbeover。Ifyouarewhatyourepresentyourselftobe,Iwillletyougobacktoyourownroom;ifyouarewhatIbelieveyoutobe,andifyouconsenttoremainwithmeto—night,Iwillgiveyouonehundredsequins,andwewillstarttogethertomorrowmorning。"
"Youmustgoalone,andforgivemeifIcannotfulfilmypromise。I
amwhatItoldyou,andIcanneitherreconcilemyselftotheideaofexposingmyshamebeforeyou,norlaymyselfopentotheterribleconsequencesthatmightfollowthesolutionofyourdoubts。"
"Therecanbenoconsequences,sincetherewillbeanendtoitatthemomentIhaveassuredmyselfthatyouareunfortunateenoughtobewhatyousay,andwithoutevermentioningthecircumstancesagain,Ipromisetotakeyouwithmeto—morrowandtoleaveyouatRimini。"
"No,mymindismadeup;Icannotsatisfyyourcuriosity。"
Driventomadnessbyhiswords,Iwasverynearusingviolence,butsubduingmyangryfeelings,Iendeavoredtosucceedbygentlemeansandbygoingstraighttothespotwherethemysterycouldbesolved。
Iwasverynearit,whenhishandopposedaverystrongresistance。
Irepeatedmyefforts,butBellino,risingsuddenly,repulsedme,andIfoundmyselfundone。Afterafewmomentsofcalm,thinkingI
shouldtakehimbysurprise,Iextendedmyhand,butIdrewbackterrified,forIfanciedthatIhadrecognizedinhimaman,andadegradedman,contemptiblelessonaccountofhisdegradationthanforthewantoffeelingIthoughtIcouldreadonhiscountenance。
Disgusted,confused,andalmostblushingformyself,Isenthimaway。
Hissisterscametomyroom,butIdismissedthem,sendingwordtotheirbrotherthathemightgowithme,withoutanyfearoffurtherindiscretiononmypart。Yet,inspiteoftheconvictionIthoughtI
hadacquired,Bellino,evensuchasIbelievehimtobe,filledmythoughts;Icouldnotmakeitout。
EarlythenextmorningIleftAnconawithhim,distractedbythetearsofthetwocharmingsistersandloadedwiththeblessingsofthemotherwho,withbeadsinhand,mumbledher’paternoster’,andrepeatedherconstanttheme:’Dioprovedera’。
ThetrustplacedinProvidencebymostofthosepersonswhoearntheirlivingbysomeprofessionforbiddenbyreligionisneitherabsurd,norfalse,nordeceitful;itisrealandevengodly,foritflowsfromanexcellentsource。WhatevermaybethewaysofProvidence,humanbeingsmustalwaysacknowledgeitinitsaction,andthosewhocalluponProvidenceindependentlyofallexternalconsiderationmust,atthebottom,beworthy,althoughguiltyoftransgressingitslaws。
’PulchraLaverna,Damihifallere;dajustosanctoquevideri;
Noctempeccatis,etfraudibusobjicenubem。’
Suchwasthewayinwhich,inthedaysofHorace,robbersaddressedtheirgoddess,andIrecollectaJesuitwhotoldmeoncethatHoracewouldnothaveknownhisownlanguage,ifhehadsaidjustosanctoque:buttherewereignorantmenevenamongsttheJesuits,androbbersmostlikelyhavebutlittlerespectfortherulesofgrammar。
ThenextmorningIstartedwithBellino,who,believingmetobeundeceived,couldsupposethatIwouldnotshewanymorecuriosityabouthim,butwehadnotbeenaquarterofanhourtogetherwhenhefoundouthismistake,forIcouldnotletmylooksfalluponhissplendideyeswithoutfeelinginmeafirewhichthesightofamancouldnothaveignited。Itoldhimthatallhisfeatureswerethoseofawoman,andthatIwantedthetestimonyofmyeyesbeforeIcouldfeelperfectlysatisfied,becausetheprotuberanceIhadfeltinacertainplacemightbeonlyafreakofnature。"Shoulditbethecase,"Iadded,"Ishouldhavenodifficultyinpassingoveradeformitywhich,inreality,isonlylaughable。Bellino,theimpressionyouproduceuponme,thissortofmagnetism,yourbosomworthyofVenusherself,whichyouhaveonceabandonedtomyeagerhand,thesoundofyourvoice,everymovementofyours,assuremethatyoudonotbelongtomysex。Letmeseeformyself,and,ifmyconjecturesareright,dependuponmyfaithfullove;if,onthecontrary,IfindthatIhavebeenmistaken,youcanrelyuponmyfriendship。Ifyourefuseme,Ishallbecompelledtobelievethatyouarecruellyenjoyingmymisery,andthatyouhavelearnedinthemostaccursedschoolthatthebestwayofpreventingayoungmanfromcuringhimselfofanamorouspassionistoexciteitconstantly;butyoumustagreewithmethat,toputsuchtyrannyinpractice,itisnecessarytohatethepersonitispractisedupon,and,ifthatbeso,Ioughttocalluponmyreasontogivemethestrengthnecessarytohateyoulikewise。"
Iwentonspeakingforalongtime;Bellinodidnotanswer,butheseemeddeeplymoved。AtlastItoldhimthat,inthefearfulstatetowhichIwasreducedbyhisresistance,Ishouldbecompelledtotreathimwithoutanyregardforhisfeelings,andfindoutthetruthbyforce。Heansweredwithmuchwarmthanddignity:"Recollectthatyouarenotmymaster,thatIaminyourhands,becauseIhadfaithinyourpromise,andthat,ifyouuseviolence,youwillbeguiltyofmurder。Orderthepostilliontostop,Iwillgetoutofthecarriage,andyoumayrelyuponmynotcomplainingofyourtreatment。"
Thosefewwordswerefollowedbyatorrentoftears,asightwhichI
nevercouldresist。Ifeltmyselfmovedintheinmostrecessesofmysoul,andIalmostthoughtthatIhadbeenwrong。Isayalmost,because,hadIbeenconvincedofit,Iwouldhavethrownmyselfathisfeetentreatingpardon;but,notfeelingmyselfcompetenttostandinjudgmentinmyowncause,Isatisfiedmyselfbyremainingdullandsilent,andIneverutteredoneworduntilwewereonlyhalfamilefromSinigaglia,whereIintendedtotakesupperandtoremainforthenight。Havingfoughtlongenoughwithmyownfeelings,I
saidtohim;
"WemighthavespentalittletimeinRiminilikegoodfriends,ifyouhadfeltanyfriendshipforme,for,withalittlekindcompliance,youcouldhaveeasilycuredmeofmypassion。"
"Itwouldnotcureyou,"answeredBellino,courageously,butwithasweetnessoftonewhichsurprisedme;"no,youwouldnotbecured,whetheryoufoundmetobemanorwoman,foryouareinlovewithmeindependentlyofmysex,andthecertaintyyouwouldacquirewouldmakeyoufurious。Insuchastate,shouldyoufindmeinexorable,youwouldverylikelygivewaytoexcesseswhichwouldafterwardscauseyoudeepsorrow。"
"Youexpecttomakemeadmitthatyouareright,butyouarecompletelymistaken,forIfeelthatIshouldremainperfectlycalm,andthatbycomplyingwithmywishesyouwouldgainmyfriendship。"
"Itellyouagainthatyouwouldbecomefurious。"
"Bellino,thatwhichhasmademefuriousisthesightofyourcharms,eithertoorealortoocompletelydeceiving,thepowerofwhichyoucannotaffecttoignore。Youhavenotbeenafraidtoignitemyamorousfury,howcanyouexpectmetobelieveyounow,whenyoupretendtofearit,andwhenIamonlyaskingyoutoletmetouchathing,which,ifitbeasyousay,willonlydisgustme?"
"Ah!disgustyou;Iamquitecertainofthecontrary。Listentome。
WereIagirl,IfeelIcouldnotresistlovingyou,but,beingaman,itismydutynottograntwhatyoudesire,foryourpassion,nowverynatural,wouldthenbecomemonstrous。Yourardentnaturewouldbestrongerthanyourreason,andyourreasonitselfwouldeasilycometotheassistanceofyoursensesandofyournature。
Thatviolentclearing—upofthemystery,wereyoutoobtainit,wouldleaveyoudeprivedofallcontroloveryourself。Disappointedinnotfindingwhatyouhadexpected,youwouldsatisfyyourpassionuponthatwhichyouwouldfind,andtheresultwould,ofcourse,beanabomination。Howcanyou,intelligentasyouare,flatteryourselfthat,findingmetobeaman,youcouldallatonceceasetoloveme?
Wouldthecharmswhichyounowseeinmeceasetoexistthen?
Perhapstheirpowerwould,onthecontrary,beenhanced,andyourpassion,becomingbrutal,wouldleadyoutotakeanymeansyourimaginationsuggestedtogratifyit。Youwouldpersuadeyourselfthatyoumightchangemeintoawoman,or,whatisworse,thatyoumightchangeyourselfintoone。Yourpassionwouldinventathousandsophismstojustifyyourlove,decoratedwiththefineappellationoffriendship,andyouwouldnotfailtoallegehundredsofsimilarlydisgustingcasesinordertoexcuseyourconduct。Youwouldcertainlyneverfindmecompliant;andhowamItoknowthatyouwouldnotthreatenmewithdeath?"
"Nothingofthesortwouldhappen,Bellino,"Ianswered,rathertiredofthelengthofhisargument,"positivelynothing,andIamsureyouareexaggeratingyourfears。YetIamboundtotellyouthat,evenifallyousayshouldhappen,itseemstomethattoallowwhatcanstrictlybeconsideredonlyasatemporaryfitofinsanity,wouldprovealessevilthantorenderincurableadiseaseofthemindwhichreasonwouldsooncutshort。"
Thusdoesapoorphilosopherreasonwhenhetakesitintohisheadtoargueatthoseperiodsduringwhichapassionraginginhissoulmakesallitsfacultieswander。Toreasonwell,wemustbeundertheswayneitheroflovenorofanger,forthosetwopassionshaveonethingincommonwhichisthat,intheirexcess,theylowerustotheconditionofbrutesactingonlyundertheinfluenceoftheirpredominatinginstinct,and,unfortunately,wearenevermoredisposedtoarguethanwhenwefeelourselvesundertheinfluenceofeitherofthosetwopowerfulhumanpassions。
WearrivedatSinigaglialateatnight,andIwenttothebestinn,and,afterchoosingacomfortableroom,orderedsupper。Astherewasbutonebedintheroom,IaskedBellino,inascalmatoneasI
couldassume,whetherhewouldhaveafirelightedinanotherchamber,andmysurprisemaybeimaginedwhenheansweredquietlythathehadnoobjectiontosleepinthesamebedwithme。Suchananswer,however,unexpected,wasnecessarytodispeltheangryfeelingsunderwhichIwaslabouring。IguessedthatIwasnearthedenouementoftheromance,butIwasveryfarfromcongratulatingmyself,forIdidnotknowwhetherthedenouementwouldproveagreeableornot。Ifelt,however,arealsatisfactionathavingconquered,andwassureofmyself—control,incasethesenses,mynaturalinstinct,ledmeastray。ButifIfoundmyselfintheright,IthoughtIcouldexpectthemostpreciousfavours。
Wesatdowntosupperoppositeeachother,andduringthemeal,hiswords,hiscountenance,theexpressionofhisbeautifuleyes,hissweetandvoluptuoussmile,everythingseemedtoannouncethathehadhadenoughofplayingapartwhichmusthaveprovedaspainfultohimastome。
Aweightwasliftedoffmymind,andImanagedtoshortenthesupperasmuchaspossible。Assoonaswehadleftthetable,myamiablecompanioncalledforanight—lamp,undressedhimself,andwenttobed。Iwasnotlonginfollowinghim,andthereaderwillsoonknowthenatureofadenouementsolongandsoardentlydesired;inthemeantimeIbegtowishhimashappyanightastheonewhichwasthenawaitingme。
CHAPTERXII
Bellino’sHistory——IAmPutUnderArrest——IRunAwayAgainstMyWill——MyReturnToRimini,andMyArrivalInBolognaDearreader,Isaidenoughattheendofthelastchaptertomakeyouguesswhathappened,butnolanguagewouldbepowerfulenoughtomakeyourealizeallthevoluptuousnesswhichthatcharmingbeinghadinstoreforme。ShecameclosetomethemomentIwasinbed。Withoututteringonewordourlipsmet,andIfoundmyselfintheecstasyofenjoymentbeforeIhadhadtimetoseekforit。Aftersocompleteavictory,whatwouldmyeyesandmyfingershavegainedfrominvestigationswhichcouldnotgivememorecertaintythanIhadalreadyobtained?Icouldnottakemygazeoffthatbeautifulface,whichwasallaflamewiththeardouroflove。
Afteramomentofquietrapture,asparklightedupinourveinsafreshconflagrationwhichwedrownedinaseaofnewdelights。
Bellinofeltboundtomakemeforgetmysufferings,andtorewardmebyanardourequaltothefirekindledbyhercharms。
ThehappinessIgaveherincreasedminetwofold,forithasalwaysbeenmyweaknesstocomposethefour—fifthsofmyenjoymentfromthesum—totalofthehappinesswhichIgavethecharmingbeingfromwhomIderivedit。Butsuchafeelingmustnecessarilycausehatredforoldagewhichcanstillreceivepleasure,butcannolongergiveenjoymenttoanother。Andyouthrunsawayfromoldage,becauseitisitsmostcruelenemy。
Anintervalofreposebecamenecessary,inconsequenceoftheactivityofourenjoyment。Oursenseswerenottiredout,buttheyrequiredtherestwhichrenewstheirsensitivenessandrestoresthebuoyancynecessarytoactiveservice。
Bellinowasthefirsttobreakoursilence。
"Dearest,"shesaid,"areyousatisfiednow?Haveyoufoundmetrulyloving?"
"Trulyloving?Ah!traitressthatyouare!Doyou,then,confessthatIwasnotmistakenwhenIguessedthatyouwereacharmingwoman?Andifyoutrulylovedme,tellmehowyoucouldcontrivetodeferyourhappinessandminesolong?ButisitquitecertainthatIdidnotmakeamistake?"
"Iamyoursallover;seeforyourself。"
Oh,whatdelightfulsurvey!whatcharmingbeauties!whatanoceanofenjoyment!ButIcouldnotfindanytraceoftheprotuberancewhichhadsomuchterrifiedanddisgustedme。
"Whathasbecome,"Isaid,"ofthatdreadfulmonstrosity?"
"Listentome,"shereplied,"andIwilltellyoueverything。
"MynameisTherese。Myfather,apoorclerkintheInstituteofBologna,hadletanapartmentinhishousetothecelebratedSalimberi,acastrato,andadelightfulmusician。Hewasyoungandhandsome,hebecameattachedtome,andIfeltflatteredbyhisaffectionandbythepraisehelavisheduponme。Iwasonlytwelveyearsofage;heproposedtoteachmemusic,andfindingthatIhadafinevoice,hecultivateditcarefully,andinlessthanayearI
couldaccompanymyselfontheharpsichord。Hisrewardwasthatwhichhisloveformeinducedhimtoask,andIgrantedtherewardwithoutfeelinganyhumiliation,forIworshippedhim。Ofcourse,menlikeyourselfaremuchabovemenofhisspecies,butSalimberiwasanexception。Hisbeauty,hismanners,histalent,andtherarequalitiesofhissoul,madehimsuperiorinmyeyestoallthemenI
hadseenuntilthen。Hewasmodestandreserved,richandgenerous,andIdoubtwhetherhecouldhavefoundawomanabletoresisthim;
yetIneverheardhimboastofhavingseducedany。Themutilationpractiseduponhisbodyhadmadehimamonster,buthewasanangelbyhisrarequalitiesandendowments。
"Salimberiwasatthattimeeducatingaboyofthesameageasmyself,whowasinRiminiwithamusicteacher。Thefatheroftheboy,whowaspoorandhadalargefamily,seeinghimselfneardeath,hadthoughtofhavinghisunfortunatesonmaimedsothatheshouldbecomethesupportofhisbrotherswithhisvoice。ThenameoftheboywasBellino;thegoodwomanwhomyouhavejustseeninAnconawashismother,andeverybodybelievesthatsheismine。
"IhadbelongedtoSalimberiforaboutayear,whenheannouncedtomeoneday,weepingbitterly,thathewascompelledtoleavemetogotoRome,buthepromisedtoseemeagain。Thenewsthrewmeintodespair。Hehadarrangedeverythingforthecontinuationofmymusicaleducation,but,ashewaspreparinghimselfforhisdeparture,myfatherdiedverysuddenly,afterashortillness,andI
wasleftanorphan。
"Salimberihadnotcourageenoughtoresistmytearsandmyentreaties;hemadeuphismindtotakemetoRimini,andtoplacemeinthesamehousewherehisyoung’protege’waseducated。WereachedRimini,andputupataninn;afterashortrest,Salimberileftmetocallupontheteacherofmusic,andtomakeallnecessaryarrangementsrespectingmewithhim;buthesoonreturned,lookingsadandunhappy;Bellinohaddiedthedaybefore。
"Ashewasthinkingofthegriefwhichthelossoftheyoungmanwouldcausehismother,hewasstruckwiththeideaofbringingmebacktoBolognaunderthenameofBellino,wherehecouldarrangeformyboardwiththemotherofthedeceasedBellino,who,beingverypoor,wouldfindittoheradvantagetokeepthesecret。’Iwillgiveher,’hesaid,’everythingnecessaryforthecompletionofyourmusicaleducation,andinfouryears,IwilltakeyoutoDresden(hewasintheserviceoftheElectorofSaxony,KingofPoland),notasagirl,butasacastrato。Therewewilllivetogetherwithoutgivinganyonecauseforscandal,andyouwillremainwithmeandministertomyhappinessuntilIdie。AllwehavetodoistorepresentyouasBellino,anditisveryeasy,asnobodyknowsyouinBologna。Bellino’smotherwillaloneknowthesecret;herotherchildrenhaveseentheirbrotheronlywhenhewasveryyoung,andcanhavenosuspicion。Butifyoulovemeyoumustrenounceyoursex,loseeventheremembranceofit,andleaveimmediatelyforBologna,dressedasaboy,andunderthenameofBellino。Youmustbeverycarefullestanyoneshouldfindoutthatyouareagirl;youmustsleepalone,dressyourselfinprivate,andwhenyourbosomisformed,asitwillbeinayearortwo,itwillonlybethoughtadeformitynotuncommonamongst’castrati’。Besides,beforeleavingyou,Iwillgiveyouasmallinstrument,andteachhowtofixitinsuchmannerthat,ifyouhadatanytimetosubmittoanexamination,youwouldeasilybemistakenforaman。Ifyouacceptmyplan,I
feelcertainthatwecanlivetogetherinDresdenwithoutlosingthegoodgracesofthequeen,whoisveryreligious。Tellme,now,whetheryouwillacceptmyproposal?
"Hecouldnotentertainanydoubtofmyconsent,forIadoredhim。
AssoonashehadmadeaboyofmeweleftRiminiforBologna,wherewearrivedlateintheevening。AlittlegoldmadeeverythingrightwithBellino’smother;Igaveherthenameofmother,andshekissedme,callingmeherdearson。Salimberileftus,andreturnedashorttimeafterwardswiththeinstrumentwhichwouldcompletemytransformation。Hetaughtme,inthepresenceofmynewmother,howtofixitwithsometragacanthgum,andIfoundmyselfexactlylikemyfriend。Iwouldhavelaughedatit,hadnotmyheartbeendeeplygrievedatthedepartureofmybelovedSalimberi,forhebademefarewellassoonasthecuriousoperationwascompleted。Peoplelaughatforebodings;Idonotbelieveinthemmyself,buttheforebodingofevil,whichalmostbrokemyheartashegavemehisfarewellkiss,didnotdeceiveme。Ifeltthecoldshiveringofdeathrunthroughme;IfeltIwaslookingathimforthelasttime,andIfaintedaway。Alas!myfearsprovedonlytooprophetic。
SalimberidiedayearagointheTyrolintheprimeoflife,withthecalmnessofatruephilosopher。Hisdeathcompelledmetoearnmylivingwiththeassistanceofmymusicaltalent。Mymotheradvisedmetocontinuetogivemyselfoutasacastrato,inthehopeofbeingabletotakemetoRome。Iagreedtodoso,forIdidnotfeelsufficientenergytodecideuponanyotherplan。InthemeantimesheacceptedanofferfortheAnconaTheatre,andPetroniotookthepartoffirstfemaledancer;inthiswayweplayedthecomedyof’TheWorldTurnedUpsideDown。’
"AfterSalimberi,youaretheonlymanIhaveknown,and,ifyoulike,youcanrestoremetomyoriginalstate,andmakemegiveupthenameofBellino,whichIhatesincethedeathofmyprotector,andwhichbeginstoinconvenienceme。Ihaveonlyappearedattwotheatres,andeachtimeIhavebeencompelledtosubmittothescandalous,degradingexamination,becauseeverywhereIamthoughttohavetoomuchtheappearanceofagirl,andIamadmittedonlyaftertheshamefultesthasbroughtconviction。Untilnow,fortunately,I
havehadtodealonlywitholdpriestswho,intheirgoodfaith,havebeensatisfiedwithaveryslightexamination,andhavemadeafavourablereporttothebishop;butImightfallintothehandsofsomeyoungabbe,andthetestwouldthenbecomeamoresevereone。
Besides,Ifindmyselfexposedtothedailypersecutionsoftwosortsofbeings:thosewho,likeyou,cannotandwillnotbelievemetobeaman,andthosewho,forthesatisfactionoftheirdisgustingpropensities,aredelightedatmybeingso,orfinditadvantageoustosupposemeso。Thelastparticularlyannoyme!Theirtastesaresoinfamous,theirhabitssolow,thatIfearIshallmurderoneofthemsomeday,whenIcannolongercontroltherageinwhichtheirobscenelanguagethrowsme。Outofpity,mybelovedangel,begenerous;and,ifyouloveme,oh!freemefromthisstateofshameanddegradation!Takemewithyou。Idonotasktobecomeyourwife,thatwouldbetoomuchhappiness;Iwillonlybeyourfriend,yourmistress,asIwouldhavebeenSalimberi’s;myheartispureandinnocent,IfeelthatIcanremainfaithfultomyloverthroughmywholelife。Donotabandonme。TheloveIhaveforyouissincere;
myaffectionforSalimberiwasinnocent;itwasbornofmyinexperienceandofmygratitude,anditisonlywithyouthatIhavefeltmyselftrulyawoman。"
Heremotion,aninexpressiblecharmwhichseemedtoflowfromherlipsandtoenforceconviction,mademeshedtearsofloveandsympathy。Iblendedmytearswiththosefallingfromherbeautifuleyes,anddeeplymoved,Ipromisednottoabandonherandtomakeherthesharerofmyfate。Interestedinthehistory,assingularasextraordinary,thatshehadjustnarrated,andhavingseennothinginitthatdidnotbearthestampoftruth,IfeltreallydisposedtomakeherhappybutIcouldnotbelievethatIhadinspiredherwithaverydeeppassionduringmyshortstayinAncona,manycircumstancesofwhichmight,onthecontrary,havehadanoppositeeffectuponherheart。
"Ifyoulovedmetruly,"Isaid,"howcouldyouletmesleepwithyoursisters,outofspiteatyourresistance?"
"Alas,dearest!thinkofourgreatpoverty,andhowdifficultitwasformetodiscovermyself。Ilovedyou;butwasitnotnaturalthatIshouldsupposeyourinclinationformeonlyapassingcaprice?
WhenIsawyougosoeasilyfromCeciliatoMarinetta,Ithoughtthatyouwouldtreatmeinthesamemannerassoonasyourdesiresweresatisfied,Iwaslikewiseconfirmedinmyopinionofyourwantofconstancyandofthelittleimportanceyouattachedtothedelicacyofthesentimentoflove,whenIwitnessedwhatyoudidonboardtheTurkishvesselwithoutbeinghinderedbymypresence;hadyoulovedme,Ithoughtmybeingpresentwouldhavemadeyouuncomfortable。I
fearedtobesoondespised,andGodknowshowmuchIsuffered!Youhaveinsultedme,darling,inmanydifferentways,butmyheartpleadedinyourfavour,becauseIknewyouwereexcited,angry,andthirstingforrevenge。Didyounotthreatenmethisverydayinyourcarriage?Iconfessyougreatlyfrightenedme,butdonotfancythatIgavemyselftoyououtoffear。No,IhadmadeupmymindtobeyoursfromthemomentyousentmewordbyCeciliathatyouwouldtakemetoRimini,andyourcontroloveryourownfeelingsduringapartofourjourneyconfirmedmeinmyresolution,forIthoughtIcouldtrustmyselftoyourhonour,toyourdelicacy。"
"Throwup,"Isaid,"theengagementyouhaveinRimini;letusproceedonourjourney,and,afterremainingacoupleofdaysinBologna,youwillgowithmetoVenice;dressedasawoman,andwithanothername,Iwouldchallengethemanagerheretofindyouout。"
"Iaccept。Yourwillshallalwaysbemylaw。Iammyownmistress,andIgivemyselftoyouwithoutanyreserveorrestriction;myheartbelongstoyou,andItrusttokeepyours。"
Manhasinhimselfamoralforceofactionwhichalwaysmakeshimoverstepthelineonwhichheisstanding。Ihadobtainedeverything,Iwantedmore。"Shewme,"Isaid,"howyouwerewhenI
mistookyouforaman。"Shegotoutofbed,openedhertrunk,tookouttheinstrumentandfixeditwiththegum:Iwascompelledtoadmiretheingenuityofthecontrivance。Mycuriositywassatisfied,andIpassedamostdelightfulnightinherarms。
WhenIwokeupinthemorning,Iadmiredherlovelyfacewhileshewassleeping:allIknewofhercamebacktomymind;thewordswhichhadbeenspokenbyherbewitchingmouth,herraretalent,hercandour,herfeelingssofullofdelicacy,andhermisfortunes,theheaviestofwhichmusthavebeenthefalsecharactershehadbeencompelledtoassume,andwhichexposedhertohumiliationandshame,everythingstrengthenedmyresolutiontomakeherthecompanionofmydestiny,whateveritmightbe,ortofollowherfate,forourpositionswereverynearlythesame;andwishingtrulytoattachmyselfseriouslytothatinterestingbeing,Ideterminedtogivetoourunionthesanctionofreligionandoflaw,andtotakeherlegallyformywife。Suchastep,asIthenthought,couldbutstrengthenourlove,increaseourmutualesteem,andinsuretheapprobationofsocietywhichcouldnotacceptourunionunlessitwassanctionedintheusualmanner。
ThetalentsofThereseprecludedthefearofourbeingeverinwantofthenecessariesoflife,and,althoughIdidnotknowinwhatwaymyowntalentsmightbemadeavailable,Ihadfaithinmyself。Ourlovemighthavebeenlessened,shewouldhaveenjoyedtoogreatadvantagesoverme,andmyself—dignitywouldhavetoodeeplysufferedifIhadallowedmyselftobesupportedbyherearningsonly。Itmight,afteratime,havealteredthenatureofourfeelings;mywife,nolongerthinkingherselfunderanyobligationtome,mighthavefanciedherselftheprotecting,insteadoftheprotectedparty,andIfeltthatmylovewouldsoonhaveturnedintouttercontempt,ifithadbeenmymisfortunetofindherharbouringsuchthoughts。AlthoughItrusteditwouldnotbeso,Iwanted,beforetakingtheimportantstepofmarriage,toprobeherheart,andIresolvedtotryanexperimentwhichwouldatonceenablemetojudgetherealfeelingsofherinmostsoul。Assoonasshewasawake,Ispoketoherthus:
"DearestTherese,allyouhavetoldmeleavesmenodoubtofyourloveforme,andtheconsciousnessyoufeelofbeingthemistressofmyheartenhancesmyloveforyoutosuchadegree,thatIamreadytodoeverythingtoconvinceyouthatyouwerenotmistakeninthinkingthatyouhadentirelyconqueredme。IwishtoprovetoyouthatIamworthyofthenobleconfidenceyouhavereposedinmebytrustingyouwithequalsincerity。
"Ourheartsmustbeonafootingofperfectequality。Iknowyou,mydearestTherese,butyoudonotknowmeyet。Icanreadinyoureyesthatyoudonotmindit,anditprovesourgreatlove,butthatfeelingplacesmetoomuchbelowyou,andIdonotwishyoutohavesogreatanadvantageoverme。Ifeelcertainthatmyconfidenceisnotnecessarytoyourlove;thatyouonlycaretobemine,thatyouronlywishistopossessmyheart,andIadmireyou,myTherese;butI
shouldfeelhumiliatedifIfoundmyselfeithertoomuchaboveortoomuchbelowyou。Youhaveentrustedyoursecretstome,nowlistentomine;butbeforeIbegin,promisemethat,whenyouknoweverythingthatconcernsme,youwilltellmecandidlyifanychangehastakenplaceeitherinyourfeelingsorinyourhopes。"
"Ipromiseitfaithfully;Ipromisenottoconcealanythingfromyou;
butbeuprightenoughnottotellmeanythingthatisnotperfectlytrue,forIwarnyouthatitwouldbeuseless。IfyoutriedanyartificeinordertofindmelessworthyofyouthanIaminreality,youwouldonlysucceedinloweringyourselfinmyestimation。I
shouldbeverysorrytoseeyouguiltyofanycunningtowardsme。
HavenomoresuspicionofmethanIhaveofyou;tellmethewholetruth。"
"Hereitis。Yousupposemewealthy,andIamnotso;assoonaswhatthereisnowinmypurseisspentIshallhavenothingleft。
YoumayfancythatIwasbornapatrician,butmysocialconditionisreallyinferiortoyourown。Ihavenolucrativetalents,noprofession,nothingtogivemetheassurancethatIamabletoearnmyliving。Ihaveneitherrelativesnorfriends,norclaimsuponanyone,andIhavenoseriousplanorpurposebeforeme。AllI
possessisyouth,health,courage,someintelligence,honour,honesty,andsometinctureofletters。Mygreatesttreasureconsistsinbeingmyownmaster,perfectlyindependent,andnotafraidofmisfortune。Withallthat,Iamnaturallyinclinedtoextravagance。
LovelyTherese,youhavemyportrait。Whatisyouranswer?"
"Inthefirstplace,dearest,letmeassureyouthatIbelieveeverywordyouhavejustuttered,asIwouldbelieveintheGospel;inthesecond,allowmetotellyouthatseveraltimesinAnconaIhavejudgedyousuchasyouhavejustdescribedyourself,butfarfrombeingdispleasedatsuchaknowledgeofyournature,Iwasonlyafraidofsomeillusiononmypart,forIcouldhopetowinyouifyouwerewhatIthoughtyoutobe。Inoneword,dearone,ifitistruethatyouarepoorandaverybadhandateconomy,allowmetotellyouthatIfeeldelighted,because,ifyouloveme,youwillnotrefuseapresentfromme,ordespisemeforofferingit。Thepresentconsistsofmyself,suchasIam,andwithallmyfaculties。Igivemyselftoyouwithoutanycondition,withnorestriction;Iamyours,Iwilltakecareofyou。Forthefuturethinkonlyofyourloveforme,butlovemeexclusively。FromthismomentIamnolongerBellino。LetusgotoVenice,wheremytalentwillkeepusbothcomfortably;ifyouwishtogoanywhereelse,letusgowhereyouplease。"
"ImustgotoConstantinople。"
"ThenletusproceedtoConstantinople。Ifyouareafraidtolosemethroughwantofconstancy,marryme,andyourrightovermewillbestrengthenedbylaw。IshouldnotloveyoubetterthanIdonow,butIshouldbehappytobeyourwife。"
"Itismyintentiontomarryyou,andIamdelightedthatweagreeinthatrespect。Thedayafterto—morrow,inBologna,youshallbemademylegal—wifebeforethealtarofGod;IswearittoyouhereinthepresenceofLove。Iwantyoutobemine,Iwanttobeyours,Iwantustobeunitedbythemostholyties。"
"Iamthehappiestofwomen!WehavenothingtodoinRimini;
supposewedonotgetup;wecanhaveourdinnerinbed,andgoawayto—morrowwellrestedafterourfatigues。"
WeleftRiminithenextday,andstayedforbreakfastatPesaro。Asweweregettingintothecarriagetoleavethatplace,anofficer,accompaniedbytwosoldiers,presentedhimself,enquiredforournames,anddemandedourpassports。Bellinohadoneandgaveit,butIlookedinvainformine;Icouldnotfindit。
Theofficer,acorporal,ordersthepostilliontowaitandgoestomakehisreport。Halfanhourafterwards,hereturns,givesBellinohispassport,sayingthathecancontinuehisjourney,buttellsmethathisordersaretoescortmetothecommandingofficer,andI
followhim。
"Whathaveyoudonewithyourpassport?"enquiresthatofficer。
"Ihavelostit。"
"Apassportisnotsoeasilylost。"
"Well,Ihavelostmine。"
"Youcannotproceedanyfurther。"
"IcomefromRome,andIamgoingtoConstantinople,bearingaletterfromCardinalAcquaviva。Hereistheletterstampedwithhisseal。"
"AllIcandoforyouistosendyoutoM。deGages。"
Ifoundthefamousgeneralstanding,surroundedbyhisstaff。ItoldhimallIhadalreadyexplainedtotheofficer,andbeggedhimtoletmecontinuemyjourney。
"TheonlyfavourIcangrantyouistoputyouunderarresttillyoureceiveanotherpassportfromRomedeliveredunderthesamenameastheoneyouhavegivenhere。Toloseapassportisamisfortunewhichbefallsonlyathoughtless,giddyman,andthecardinalwillforthefutureknowbetterthantoputhisconfidenceinagiddyfellowlikeyou。"
Withthesewords,hegaveorderstotakemetotheguard—houseatSt。
Mary’sGate,outsidethecity,assoonasIshouldhavewrittentothecardinalforanewpassport。Hisorderswereexecuted。Iwasbroughtbacktotheinn,whereIwrotemyletter,andIsentitbyexpresstohiseminence,entreatinghimtoforwardthedocument,withoutlossoftime,directtothewaroffice。ThenIembracedTheresewhowasweeping,and,tellinghertogotoRiminiandtowaitthereformyreturn,Imadehertakeonehundredsequins。ShewishedtoremaininPesaro,butIwouldnothearofit;Ihadmytrunkbroughtout,IsawTheresegoawayfromtheinn,andwastakentotheplaceappointedbythegeneral。
Itisundoubtedlyundersuchcircumstancesthatthemostdeterminedoptimistfindshimselfataloss;butaneasystoicismcanbluntthetoosharpedgeofmisfortune。
Mygreatestsorrowwastheheart—griefofTheresewho,seeingmetornfromherarmsattheverymomentofourunion,wassuffocatedbythetearswhichshetriedtorepress。ShewouldnothaveleftmeifI
hadnotmadeherunderstandthatshecouldnotremaininPesaro,andifIhadnotpromisedtojoinherwithintendays,nevertobepartedagain。Butfatehaddecidedotherwise。
Whenwereachedthegate,theofficerconfinedmeimmediatelyintheguard—house,andIsatdownonmytrunk。TheofficerwasataciturnSpaniardwhodidnotevencondescendtohonourmewithananswer,whenItoldhimthatIhadmoneyandwouldliketohavesomeonetowaitonme。Ihadtopassthenightonalittlestraw,andwithoutfood,inthemidstoftheSpanishsoldiers。Itwasthesecondnightofthesortthatmydestinyhadcondemnedmeto,immediatelyaftertwodelightfulnights。Mygoodangeldoubtlessfoundsomepleasureinbringingsuchconjunctionsbeforemymindforthebenefitofmyinstruction。Atallevents,teachingsofthatdescriptionhaveaninfallibleeffectuponnaturesofapeculiarstamp。
Ifyoushouldwishtoclosethelipsofalogiciancallinghimselfaphilosopher,whodarestoarguethatinthislifegriefoverbalancespleasure,askhimwhetherhewouldacceptalifeentirelywithoutsorrowandhappiness。Becertainthathewillnotansweryou,orhewillshuffle,because,ifhesaysno,heprovesthathelikeslifesuchasitis,andifhelikesit,hemustfinditagreeable,whichisanutterimpossibility,iflifeispainful;shouldhe,onthecontrary,answerintheaffirmative,hewoulddeclarehimselfafool,foritwouldbeasmuchastosaythathecanconceivepleasurearisingfromindifference,whichisabsurdnonsense。
Sufferingisinherentinhumannature;butweneversufferwithoutentertainingthehopeofrecovery,or,atleast,veryseldomwithoutsuchhope,andhopeitselfisapleasure。Ifithappenssometimesthatmansufferswithoutanyexpectationofacure,henecessarilyfindspleasureinthecompletecertaintyoftheendofhislife;fortheworst,inallcases,mustbeeitherasleeparisingfromextremedejection,duringwhichwehavetheconsolationofhappydreamsorthelossofallsensitiveness。Butwhenwearehappy,ourhappinessisneverdisturbedbythethoughtthatitwillbefollowedbygrief。
Thereforepleasure,duringitsactiveperiod,isalwayscomplete,withoutalloy;griefisalwayssoothedbyhope。
Isupposeyou,dearreader,attheageoftwenty,anddevotingyourselftothetaskofmakingamanofyourselfbyfurnishingyourmindwithalltheknowledgenecessarytorenderyouausefulbeingthroughtheactivityofyourbrain。Someonecomesinandtellsyou,"Ibringyouthirtyyearsofexistence;itistheimmutabledecreeoffate;fifteenconsecutiveyearsmustbehappy,andfifteenyearsunhappy。Youareatlibertytochoosethehalfbywhichyouwishtobegin。"
Confessitcandidly,dearreader,youwillnotrequiremuchmoreconsiderationtodecide,andyouwillcertainlybeginbytheunhappyseriesofyears,becauseyouwillfeelthattheexpectationoffifteendelightfulyearscannotfailtobraceyouupwiththecouragenecessarytobeartheunfortunateyearsyouhavetogothrough,andwecanevensurmise,witheveryprobabilityofbeingright,thatthecertaintyoffuturehappinesswillsoothetoaconsiderableextentthemiseryofthefirstperiod。
Youhavealreadyguessed,Ihavenodoubt,thepurposeofthislengthyargument。Thesagaciousman,believeme,canneverbeutterlymiserable,andImostwillinglyagreewithmyfriendHorace,whosaysthat,onthecontrary,suchamanisalwayshappy。
’Nisiquumpituitamolestaest。’
But,praywhereisthemanwhoisalwayssufferingfromarheum?
ThefactisthatthefearfulnightIpassedintheguardhouseofSt。
Maryresultedformeinaslightlossandinagreatgain。ThesmalllosswastobeawayfrommydearTherese,but,beingcertainofseeingherwithintendays,themisfortunewasnotverygreat:astothegain,itwasinexperiencethetrueschoolforaman。Igainedacompletesystemagainstthoughtlessness,asystemofforesight。Youmaysafelybetahundredtoonethatayoungmanwhohasoncelosthispurseorhispassport,willnotloseeitherasecondtime。Eachofthosemisfortuneshasbefallenmeonceonly,andImighthavebeenveryoftenthevictimofthem,ifexperiencehadnottaughtmehowmuchtheyweretobedreaded。Athoughtlessfellowisamanwhohasnotyetfoundtheworddreadinthedictionaryofhislife。
Theofficerwhorelievedmycross—grainedCastilianonthefollowingdayseemedofadifferentnaturealtogether;hisprepossessingcountenancepleasedmemuch。HewasaFrenchman,andImustsaythatIhavealwayslikedtheFrench,andnevertheSpainards;thereisinthemannersofthefirstsomethingsoengaging,soobliging,thatyoufeelattractedtowardsthemastowardsafriend,whilstanairofunbecominghaughtinessgivestothesecondadark,forbiddingcountenancewhichcertainlydoesnotprepossessintheirfavour。YetIhaveoftenbeendupedbyFrenchmen,andneverbySpaniards——aproofthatweoughttomistrustourtastes。
Thenewofficer,approachingmeverypolitely,saidtome,——
"Towhatchance,reverendsir,amIindebtedforthehonourofhavingyouinmycustody?"
Ah!herewasawayofspeakingwhichrestoredtomylungsalltheirelasticity!Igavehimalltheparticularsofmymisfortune,andhefoundthemishapveryamusing。Butamandisposedtolaughatmydisappointmentcouldnotbedisagreeabletome,foritprovedthattheturnofhismindhadmorethanonepointofresemblancewithmine。Hegavemeatonceasoldiertoserveme,andIhadveryquicklyabed,atable,andafewchairs。Hewaskindenoughtohavemybedplacedinhisownroom,andIfeltverygratefultohimforthatdelicateattention。
Hegavemeaninvitationtosharehisdinner,andproposedagameofpiquetafterwards,butfromtheverybeginninghesawthatIwasnomatchforhim;hetoldmeso,andhewarnedmethattheofficerwhowouldrelievehimthenextdaywasabetterplayereventhanhewashimself;Ilostthreeorfourducats。Headvisedmetoabstainfromplayingonthefollowingday,andIfollowedhisadvice。Hetoldmealsothathewouldhavecompanytosupper,thattherewouldbeagameoffaro,butthatthebankerbeingaGreekandacraftyplayer,I
oughtnottoplay。Ithoughthisadviceveryconsiderate,particularlywhenIsawthatallthepunterslost,andthattheGreek,verycalminthemidstoftheinsultingtreatmentofthosehehadduped,waspocketinghismoney,afterhandingasharetotheofficerwhohadtakenaninterestinthebank。ThenameofthebankerwasDonPepeilCadetto,andbyhisaccentIknewhewasaNeapolitan。Icommunicatedmydiscoverytotheofficer,askinghimwhyhehadtoldmethatthemanwasaGreek。Heexplainedtomethemeaningofthewordgreekappliedtoagambler,andthelessonwhichfollowedhisexplanationprovedveryusefultomeinafteryears。
Duringthefivefollowingdays,mylifewasuniformandratherdull,butonthesixthdaythesameFrenchofficerwasonguard,andIwasverygladtoseehim。Hetoldme,withaheartylaugh,thathewasdelightedtofindmestillintheguard—house,andIacceptedthecomplimentforwhatitwasworth。Intheevening,wehadthesamebankatfaro,withthesameresultasthefirsttime,exceptaviolentblowfromthestickofoneofthepuntersuponthebackofthebanker,ofwhichtheGreekstoicallyfeignedtotakenonotice。
IsawthesamemanagainnineyearsafterwardsinVienna,captainintheserviceofMariaTheresa;hethencalledhimselfd’Afflisso。Tenyearslater,Ifoundhimacolonel,andsometimeafterworthamillion;butthelasttimeIsawhim,somethirteenorfourteenyearsago,hewasagalleyslave。Hewashandsome,but(ratherasingularthing)inspiteofhisbeauty,hehadagallowslook。Ihaveseenotherswiththesamestamp——Cagliostro,forinstance,andanotherwhohasnotyetbeensenttothegalleys,butwhocannotfailtopaythemavisit。Shouldthereaderfeelanycuriosityaboutit,Icanwhisperthenameinhisear。
Towardstheninthortenthdayeveryoneinthearmyknewandlikedme,andIwasexpectingthepassport,whichcouldnotbedelayedmuchlonger。Iwasalmostfree,andIwouldoftenwalkaboutevenoutofsightofthesentinel。Theywerequiterightnottofearmyrunningaway,andIshouldhavebeenwrongifIhadthoughtofescaping,butthemostsingularadventureofmylifehappenedtomethen,andmostunexpectedly。
Itwasaboutsixinthemorning。Iwastakingawalkwithinonehundredyardsofthesentinel,whenanofficerarrivedandalightedfromhishorse,threwthebridleontheneckofhissteed,andwalkedoff。Admiringthedocilityofthehorse,standingtherelikeafaithfulservanttowhomhismasterhasgivenorderstowaitforhimIgotuptohim,andwithoutanypurposeIgetholdofthebridle,putmyfootinthestirrup,andfindmyselfinthesaddle。Iwasonhorsebackforthefirsttimeinmylife。IdonotknowwhetherI
touchedthehorsewithmycaneorwithmyheels,butsuddenlytheanimalstartsatfullspeed。Myrightfoothavingslippedoutofthestirrup,Ipressagainstthehorsewithmyheels,and,feelingthepressure,itgallopsfasterandfaster,forIdidnotknowhowtocheckit。Atthelastadvancedpostthesentinelscallouttometostop;butIcannotobeytheorder,andthehorsecarryingmeawayfasterthanever,Ihearthewhizzingofafewmusketballs,thenaturalconsequenceofmy,involuntarydisobedience。Atlast,whenI
reachthefirstadvancedpicketoftheAustrians,thehorseisstopped,andIgetoffhisbackthankingGod。
AnofficerofHussarsaskswhereIamrunningsofast,andmytongue,quickerthanmythought,answerswithoutanyprivityonmypart,thatIcanrendernoaccountbuttoPrinceLobkowitz,commander—in—chiefofthearmy,whoseheadquarterswereatRimini。Hearingmyanswer,theofficergaveordersfortwoHussarstogetonhorseback,afreshoneisgivenme,andIamtakenatfullgalloptoRimini,wheretheofficeronguardhasmeescortedatoncetotheprince。
Ifindhishighnessalone,andItellhimcandidlywhathasjusthappenedtome。Mystorymakeshimlaugh,althoughheobservesthatitishardlycredible。
"Iought,"hesays,"toputyouunderarrest,butIamwillingtosaveyouthatunpleasantness。"WiththathecalledoneofhisofficersandorderedhimtoescortmethroughtheCesenaGate。"Thenyoucangowhereveryouplease,"headded,turningroundtome;"buttakecarenottoagainenterthelinesofmyarmywithoutapassport,oryoumightfarebadly。"
Iaskedhimtoletmehavethehorseagain,butheansweredthattheanimaldidnotbelongtome。IforgottoaskhimtosendmebacktotheplaceIhadcomefrom,andIregrettedit;butafterallperhapsIdidforthebest。
Theofficerwhoaccompaniedmeaskedme,aswewerepassingacoffee—
house,whetherIwouldliketotakesomechocolate,andwewentin。
AtthatmomentIsawPetroniogoingby,andavailingmyselfofamomentwhentheofficerwastalkingtosomeone,Itoldhimnottoappeartobeacquaintedwithme,buttotellmewherehelived。Whenwehadtakenourchocolatetheofficerpaidandwewentout。Alongtheroadwekeptuptheconversation;hetoldmehisname,Igavehimmine,andIexplainedhowIfoundmyselfinRimini。HeaskedmewhetherIhadnotremainedsometimeinAncona;Iansweredintheaffirmative,andhesmiledandsaidIcouldgetapassportinBologna,returntoRiminiandtoPesarowithoutanyfear,andrecovermytrunkbypayingtheofficerforthehorsehehadlost。Wereachedthegate,hewishedmeapleasantjourney,andwepartedcompany。
Ifoundmyselffree,withgoldandjewels,butwithoutmytrunk。
TheresewasinRimini,andIcouldnotenterthatcity。ImadeupmymindtogotoBolognaasquicklyaspossibleinordertogetapassport,andtoreturntoPesaro,whereIshouldfindmypassportfromRome,forIcouldnotmakeupmymindtolosemytrunk,andI
didnotwanttobeseparatedfromThereseuntiltheendofherengagementwiththemanageroftheRiminiTheatre。
Itwasraining;Ihadsilkstockingson,andIlongedforacarriage。
Itookshelterundertheportalofachurch,andturnedmyfineovercoatinsideout,soasnottolooklikeanabbe。Atthatmomentapeasanthappenedtocomealong,andIaskedhimifacarriagecouldbehadtodrivemetoCesena。"Ihaveone,sir,"hesaid,"butI
livehalfaleaguefromhere。"
"Goandgetit,Iwillwaitforyouhere。"
WhileIwaswaitingforthereturnofthepeasantwithhisvehicle,somefortymulesladenwithprovisionscamealongtheroadtowardsRimini。Itwasstillrainingfast,andthemulespassingclosebyme,Iplacedmyhandmechanicallyupontheneckofoneofthem,andfollowingtheslowpaceoftheanimalsIre—enteredRiminiwithouttheslightestnoticebeingtakenofme,evenbythedriversofthemules。IgavesomemoneytothefirststreeturchinImet,andhetookmetoTherese’shouse。
Withmyhairfastenedunderanight—cap,myhatpulleddownovermyface,andmyfinecaneconcealedundermycoat,Ididnotlookaveryelegantfigure。IenquiredforBellino’smother,andthemistressofthehousetookmetoaroomwhereIfoundallthefamily,andThereseinawoman’sdress。Ihadreckoneduponsurmisingthem,butPetroniohadtoldthemofourmeeting,andtheywereexpectingme。Igaveafullaccountofmyadventures,butTherese,frightenedatthedangerthatthreatenedme,andinspiteofherlove,toldmethatitwasabsolutelynecessaryformetogotoBologna,asIhadbeenadvisedbyM。Vais,theofficer。
"Iknowhim,"shesaid,"andheisaworthyman,buthecomeshereeveryevening,andyoumustconcealyourself。"
Itwasonlyeighto’clockinthemorning;wehadthewholedaybeforeus,andeveryonepromisedtobediscreet。IallayedTherese’sanxietybytellingherthatIcouldeasilycontrivetoleavethecitywithoutbeingobserved。
Theresetookmetoherownroom,whereshetoldmethatshehadmetthemanagerofthetheatreonherarrivalinRimini,andthathehadtakenheratoncetotheapartmentsengagedforthefamily。Shehadinformedhimthatshewasawoman,andthatshehadmadeuphermindnottoappearasacastratoanymore;hehadexpressedhimselfdelightedatsuchnews,becausewomencouldappearonthestageatRimini,whichwasnotunderthesamelegateasAncona。Sheaddedthatherengagementwouldbeatanendbythe1stofMay,andthatshewouldmeetmewhereveritwouldbeagreeabletometowaitforher。
"AssoonasIcangetapassport,"Isaid,"thereisnothingtohindermefromremainingnearyouuntiltheendofyourengagement。
ButasM。Vaiscallsuponyou,tellmewhetheryouhaveinformedhimofmyhavingspentafewdaysinAncona?"
"Idid,andIeventoldhimthatyouhadbeenarrestedbecauseyouhadlostyourpassport。"
Iunderstoodwhytheofficerhadsmiledashewastalkingwithme。
AftermyconversationwithTherese,IreceivedthecomplimentsofthemotherandoftheyoungsisterswhoappearedtomelesscheerfulandlessfreethantheyhadbeeninAncona。TheyfeltthatBellino,transformedintoTherese,wastooformidablearival。Ilistenedpatientlytoallthecomplaintsofthemotherwhomaintainedthat,ingivingupthecharacterofcastrato,Theresehadbiddenadieutofortune,becauseshemighthaveearnedathousandsequinsayearinRome。
"InRome,mygoodwoman,"Isaid,"thefalseBellinowouldhavebeenfoundout,andTheresewouldhavebeenconsignedtoamiserableconventforwhichshewasnevermade。"
Notwithstandingthedangerofmyposition,Ispentthewholeofthedayalonewithmybelovedmistress,anditseemedthateverymomentgaveherfreshbeautiesandincreasedmylove。Ateighto’clockintheevening,hearingsomeonecomingin,sheleftme,andIremainedinthedark,butinsuchapositionthatIcouldseeeverythingandheareveryword。TheBaronVaiscamein,andTheresegavehimherhandwiththegraceofaprettywomanandthedignityofaprincess。
Thefirstthinghetoldherwasthenewsaboutme;sheappearedtobepleased,andlistenedwithwell—feignedindifference,whenhesaidthathehadadvisedmetoreturnwithapassport。Hespentanhourwithher,andIwasthoroughlywellpleasedwithhermannersandbehaviour,whichhadbeensuchastoleavemenoroomfortheslightestfeelingofjealousy。MarinalightedhimoutandTheresereturnedtome。Wehadajoyoussuppertogether,and,asweweregettingreadytogotobed,PetroniocametoinformmethattenmuleteerswouldstartforCesenatwohoursbeforeday—break,andthathewassureIcouldleavethecitywiththemifIwouldgoandmeetthemaquarterofanhourbeforetheirdeparture,andtreatthemtosomethingtodrink。Iwasofthesameopinion,andmadeupmymindtomaketheattempt。IaskedPetroniotositupandtowakemeingoodtime。Itprovedanunnecessaryprecaution,forIwasreadybeforethetime,andleftTheresesatisfiedwithmylove,withoutanydoubtofmyconstancy,butratheranxiousastomysuccessinattemptingtoleaveRimini。Shehadsixtysequinswhichshewantedtoforcebackuponme,butIaskedherwhatopinionshewouldhaveofmeifIacceptedthem,andwesaidnomoreaboutit。
Iwenttothestable,andhavingtreatedoneofthemuleteerstosomedrinkItoldhimthatIwouldwillinglyrideoneofhismulesasfarasSarignan。
"Youarewelcometotheride,"saidthegoodfellow,"butIwouldadviseyounottogetonthemuletillweareoutsidethecity,andtopassthroughthegateonfootasifyouwereoneofthedrivers。"
ItwasexactlywhatIwanted。Petronioaccompaniedmeasfarasthegate,whereIgavehimasubstantialproofofmygratitude。Igotoutofthecitywithouttheslightestdifficulty,andleftthemuleteersatSarignan,whenceIpostedtoBologna。
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