"No，mydear，itwasnotso。"
"MyauntPollysaiditwasaknife。"
"Why，AuntPolly’sknifeMAYDO，butitwasaDAGGER，mydear。"
Hethenaskedherthemeaningof"baneandantidote，"whichshewasunabletogive。Mrs。Gastrelsaid:
"Youcannotexpectsoyoungachildtoknowthemeaningofsuchwords。"
Hethensaid:
"Mydear，howmanypencearethereinSIXPENCE？"
"Icannottell，sir，"wasthehalfterrifiedreply。
Onthis，addressinghimselftoMrs。Gastrel，hesaid:
"Now，mydearlady，cananythingbemoreridiculousthantoteachachildCato’sSoliloquy，whodoesnotknowhowmanypencethereareinasixpence？"
InalecturebeforetheRoyalGeographicalSocietyProfessorRavensteinquotedthefollowinglistoffranticquestions，andsaidthattheyhadbeenaskedinanexamination:
MentionallnamesofplacesintheworldderivedfromJuliusCaesarorAugustusCaesar。
Wherearethefollowingrivers:Pisuerga，Sakaria，Guadalete，Jalon，Mulde？
Allyouknowofthefollowing:Machacha，Pilmo，Schebulos，Crivoscia，Basces，Mancikert，Taxhem，Citeaux，Meloria，Zutphen。
ThehighestpeaksoftheKarakorumrange。
ThenumberofuniversitiesinPrussia。
Whyarethetopsofmountainscontinuallycoveredwithsnow[sic]？
NamethelengthandbreadthofthestreamsoflavawhichissuedfromtheSkaptarJokulintheeruptionof1783。
Thatlistwouldoversizenearlyanybody’sgeographicalknowledge。Isn’titreasonablypossiblethatinourschoolsmanyofthequestionsinallstudiesareseveralmilesaheadofwherethepupilis？thatheissettostrugglewiththingsthatareludicrouslybeyondhispresentreach，hopelesslybeyondhispresentstrength？Thisremarkinpassing，andbywayoftext;
nowIcometowhatIwasgoingtosay。
Ihavejustnowfallenuponadarlingliterarycuriosity。
Itisalittlebook，amanuscriptcompilation，andthecompilersentittomewiththerequestthatIsaywhetherIthinkitoughttobepublishedornot。Isaid，Yes;butasIslowlygrowwiseIbrisklygrowcautious;andso，nowthatthepublicationisimminent，ithasseemedtomethatIshouldfeelmorecomfortableifIcoulddivideupthisresponsibilitywiththepublicbyaddingthemtothecourt。ThereforeIwillprintsomeextractsfromthebook，inthehopethattheymaymakeconvertstomyjudgmentthatthevolumehasmeritwhichentitlesittopublication。
Astoitscharacter。Everyonehassampled"EnglishasSheisSpoke"and"EnglishasSheisWrote";thislittlevolumefurnishesusaninstructivearrayofexamplesof"EnglishasSheisTaught"inthepublicschoolsofwell，thiscountry。Thecollectionismadebyateacherinthoseschools，andalltheexamplesinitaregenuine;noneofthemhavebeentamperedwith，ordoctoredinanyway。Fromtimetotime，duringseveralyears，wheneverapupilhasdeliveredhimselfofanythingpeculiarlyquaintortoothsomeinthecourseofhisrecitations，thisteacherandherassociateshaveprivatelysetthatthingdowninamemorandumbook;strictlyfollowingtheoriginal，astogrammar，construction，spelling，andall;andtheresultisthisliterarycuriosity。
Thecontentsofthebookconsistmainlyofanswersgivenbytheboysandgirlstoquestions，saidanswersbeinggivensometimesverbally，sometimesinwriting。Thesubjectstoucheduponarefifteeninnumber:I。Etymology;II。Grammar;III。
Mathematics;IV。Geography;V。"Original";VI。Analysis;VII。
History;VIII。"Intellectual";IX。Philosophy;X。Physiology;XI。
Astronomy;XII。Politics;XIII。Music;XIV。Oratory;XV。
Metaphysics。
Youperceivethatthepoorlittleyoungideahastakenashotatagoodmanykindsofgameinthecourseofthebook。Nowastoresults。Herearesomequaintdefinitionsofwords。Itwillbenoticedthatinalloftheseinstancesthesoundoftheword，orthelookofitonpaper，hasmisledthechild:
ABORIGINES，asystemofmountains。
ALIAS，agoodmanintheBible。
AMENABLE，anythingthatismean。
AMMONIA，thefoodofthegods。
ASSIDUITY，stateofbeinganacid。
AURIFEROUS，pertainingtoanorifice。
CAPILLARY，alittlecaterpillar。
CORNIFEROUS，rocksinwhichfossilcornisfound。
EMOLUMENT，aheadstonetoagrave。
EQUESTRIAN，onewhoasksquestions。
EUCHARIST，onewhoplayseuchre。
FRANCHISE，anythingbelongingtotheFrench。
IDOLATER，averyidleperson。
IPECAC，amanwholikesagooddinner。
IRRIGATE，tomakefunof。
MENDACIOUS，whatcanbemended。
MERCENARY，onewhofeelsforanother。
PARASITE，akindofumbrella。
PARASITE，themurderofaninfant。
PUBLICAN，amanwhodoeshisprayersinpublic。
TENACIOUS，tenacresofland。
Hereisonewherethephrase"publicansandsinners"hasgotmixedupinthechild’smindwithpolitics，andtheresultisadefinitionwhichtakesoneinasuddenandunexpectedway:
REPUBLICAN，asinnermentionedintheBible。
AlsoinDemocraticnewspapersnowandthen。Herearetwowherethemistakehasresultedfromsoundassistedbyremotefact:
PLAGIARIST，awriterofplays。
DEMAGOGUE，avesselcontainingbeerandotherliquids。
Icannotquitemakeoutwhatitwasthatmisledthepupilinthefollowinginstances;itwouldnotseemtohavebeenthesoundoftheword，northelookofitinprint:
ASPHYXIA，agrumbling，fussytemper。
QUARTERNIONS，abirdwithaflatbeakandnobill，livinginNewZealand。
QUARTERNIONS，thenamegiventoastyleofartpracticedbythePhoenicians。
QUARTERNIONS，areligiousconventionheldeveryhundredyears。
SIBILANT，thestateofbeingidiotic。
CROSIER，astaffcarriedbytheDeity。
Inthefollowingsentencesthepupil’searhasbeendeceivinghimagain:
Themarriagewasillegible。
Hewastotallydismastedwiththewholeperformance。
Heenjoysridingonaphilosopher。
Shewasveryquickatrepertoire。
Heprayedforthewaterstosubsidize。
Theleopardiswatchinghissheep。
Theyhadastrawberryvestibule。
Hereisonewhichwell，now，howoftenwedoslamrightintothetruthwithouteversuspectingit:
ThemenemployedbytheGasCompanygoaroundandspeculatethemeter。
Indeedtheydo，dear;andwhenyougrowup，manyandmany’sthetimeyouwillnoticeitinthegasbill。Inthefollowingsentencesthelittlepeoplehavesomeinformationtoconvey，everytime;butinmycasetheyfailtoconnect:thelightalwayswentoutonthekeystoneword:
Thecoercionofsomethingsisremarkable;asbreadandmolasses。
Herhatiscontiguousbecauseshewearsitononeside。
Hepreachedtoanegregiouscongregation。
Thecaptaineliminatedabulletthroughtheman’sheart。
Youshouldtakecautionandbeprecarious。
Thesuperciliousgirlactedwithvicissitudewhentheperennialtimecame。
Thelastisacuriouslyplausiblesentence;oneseemstoknowwhatitmeans，andyetheknowsallthetimethathedoesn’t。Hereisanodd（butentirelyproper）useofaword，andamostsuddendescentfromaloftyphilosophicalaltitudetoaverypracticalandhomelyillustration:
Weshouldendeavortoavoidextremeslikethoseofwaspsandbees。
Andherewith"zoological"and"geological"inhismind，butnotreadytohistonguethesmallscholarhasinnocentlygoneandletoutacoupleofsecretswhichoughtnevertohavebeendivulgedinanycircumstances:
Thereareagoodmanydonkeysintheologicalgardens。
Someofthebestfossilsarefoundintheologicalgardens。
Undertheheadof"Grammar"thelittlescholarsfurnishthefollowinginformation:
Genderisthedistinguishingnounswithoutregardtosex。
Averbissomethingtoeat。
Adverbsshouldalwaysbeusedasadjectivesandadjectivesasadverbs。
EverysentenceandnameofGodmustbeginwithacaterpillar。
"Caterpillar"iswellenough，butcapitalletterwouldhavebeenstricter。Thefollowingisabraveattemptatasolution，butitfailedtoliquify:
Whentheyaregoingtosaysomeproseorpoetrybeforetheysaythepoetryorprosetheymustputasemicolonjustaftertheintroductionoftheproseorpoetry。
Thechapteron"Mathematics"isfulloffruit。FromitI
takeafewsamplesmainlyinanunripestate:
Astraightlineisanydistancebetweentwoplaces。
Parallellinesarelinesthatcannevermeetuntiltheyruntogether。
Acircleisaroundstraightlinewithaholeinthemiddle。
Thingswhichareequaltoeachotherareequaltoanythingelse。
Tofindthenumberofsquarefeetinaroomyoumultiplytheroombythenumberofthefeet。Theproductistheresult。
Rightyouare。Inthematterofgeographythislittlebookisunspeakablyrich。Thequestionsdonotappeartohaveappliedthemicroscopetothesubject，asdidthosequotedbyProfessorRavenstein;still，theyprovedplentydifficultenoughwithoutthat。Thesepupilsdidnothuntwithamicroscope，theyhuntedwithashotgun;thisisshownbythecrippledconditionofthegametheybroughtin:
AmericaisdividedintothePassifficslopeandtheMississippivaley。
NorthAmericaisseparatedbySpain。
Americaconsistsfromnorthtosouthaboutfivehundredmiles。
TheUnitedStatesisquiteasmallcountrycomparedwithsomeothercountrys，butitaboutasindustrious。
ThecapitaloftheUnitedStatesisLongIsland。
ThefiveseaportsoftheU。S。areNewfunlanandSanfrancisco。
TheprincipalproductsoftheU。S。isearthquakesandvolcanoes。
TheAlaginniesaremountainsinPhiladelphia。
TheRockyMountainsareonthewesternsideofPhiladelphia。
CapeHaterasisavastbodyofwatersurroundedbylandandflowingintotheGulfofMexico。
MasonandDixon’slineistheEquator。
OneoftheleadingindustriesoftheUnitedStatesismollasses，bookcovers，numbers，gas，teaching，lumber，manufacturers，papermaking，publishers，coal。
InAustriatheprincipaloccupationisgatheringAustrichfeathers。
Gibraltarisanislandbuiltonarock。
Russiaisverycoldandtyrannical。
SicilyisoneoftheSandwichIslands。
HindoostanflowsthroughtheGangesandemptiesintotheMediterraneanSea。
IrelandiscalledtheEmigrantIslebecauseitissobeautifulandgreen。
ThewidthofthedifferentzonesEuropeliesindependuponthesurroundingcountry。
Theimportsofacountryarethethingsthatarepaidfor，theexportsarethethingsthatarenot。
Climatelastsallthetimeandweatheronlyafewdays。
ThetwomostfamousvolcanoesofEuropeareSodomandGomorrah。
Thechapterheaded"Analysis"showsusthatthepupilsinourpublicschoolsarenotmerelyloadedupwiththoseshowyfactsaboutgeography，mathematics，andsoon，andleftinthatincompletestate;no，there’smachineryforclarifyingandexpandingtheirminds。Theyarerequiredtotakepoemsandanalyzethem，digouttheircommonsense，reducethemtostatistics，andreproducetheminaluminousprosetranslationwhichshalltellyouataglancewhatthepoetwastryingtogetat。Onesamplewilldo。Hereisastanzafrom"TheLadyoftheLake，"followedbythepupil’simpressiveexplanationofit:
Alone，butwithunbatedzeal，Thehorsemanpliedwithscourgeandsteel;
Forjadednowandspentwithtoil，Embossedwithfoamanddarkwithsoil，Whileeverygaspwithsobshedrew，Thelaboringstagstrainedfullinview。
Themanwhorodeonthehorseperformedthewhipandaninstrumentmadeofsteelalonewithstrongardornotdiminishing，for，beingtiredfromthetimepassedwithhardlaboroverworkedwithangerandignorantwithweariness，whileeverybreathforlaborhedrewwithcriesfullorsorrow，theyoungdeermadeimperfectwhoworkedhardfilteredinsight。
Isee，now，thatIneverunderstoodthatpoembefore。I
havehadglimpsesofitsmeaning，itmomentswhenIwasnotasignorantwithwearinessasusual，butthisisthefirsttimethewholespaciousideaofiteverfilteredinsight。IfIwereapublicschoolpupilIwouldputthoseotherstudiesasideandsticktoanalysis;for，afterall，itisthethingtospreadyourmind。
Wecomenowtohistoricalmatters，historicalremains，onemightsay。AsoneturnsthepagesheisimpressedwiththedepthtowhichonedatehasbeendrivenintotheAmericanchild’shead1492。Thedateisthere，anditistheretostay。Anditisalwaysathand，alwaysdeliverableatamoment’snotice。ButtheFactthatbelongswithit？Thatisquiteanothermatter。Onlythedateitselfisfamiliarandsure:itsvastFacthasfailedoflodgment。Itwouldappearthatwheneveryouaskapublic
schoolpupilwhenathinganything，nomatterwhathappened，andheisindoubt，healwaysripsouthis1492。Heappliesittoeverything，fromthelandingofthearktotheintroductionofthehorsecar。Well，afterall，itisourfirstdate，andsoitisrightenoughtohonorit，andpaythepublicschoolstoteachourchildrentohonorit:
GeorgeWashingtonwasbornin1492。
WashingtonwrotetheDeclarationofIndependencein1492。
St。Bartholemewwasmassacredin1492。
TheBrittainsweretheSaxonswhoenteredEnglandin1492
underJuliusCaesar。
Theearthis1492milesincircumference。
Toproceedwith"History"
ChristopherColumbuswascalledtheFatherofhisCountry。
QueenIsabellaofSpainsoldherwatchandchainandothermillinerysothatColumbuscoulddiscoverAmerica。
TheIndianwarswereverydesecratingtothecountry。
TheIndianspursuedtheirwarfarebyhidinginthebushesandthenscalpingthem。
CaptainJohnSmithhasbeenstyledthefatherofhiscountry。
HislifewassavedbyhisdaughterPochahantas。
ThePuritansfoundaninsaneasyluminthewildsofAmerica。
TheStampActwastomakeeverybodystampallmaterialssotheyshouldbenullandvoid。
WashingtondiedinSpainalmostbrokenhearted。HisremainsweretakentothecathedralinHavana。
Gorillawarfarewaswheremenrodeongorillas。
JohnBrownwasaverygoodinsanemanwhotriedtogetfugitivesslavesintoVirginia。Hecapturedalltheinhabitants，butwasfinallyconqueredandcondemnedtohisdeath。Theconfederasywasformedbythefugitiveslaves。
AlfredtheGreatreigned872years。Hewasdistinguishedforlettingsomebuckwheatcakesburn，andtheladyscoldedhim。
HenryEightwasfamousforbeingagreatwidowerhaveinglostseveralwives。
LadyJaneGreystudiedGreekandLatinandwasbeheadedafterafewdays。
JohnBrightisnotedforanincurabledisease。
LordJamesGordonBennetinstigatedtheGordonRiots。
TheMiddleAgescomeinbetweenantiquityandposterity。
LutherintroducedChristianityintoEnglandagoodmanythousandyearsago。HisbirthdaywasNovember1883。HewasonceaPope。HelivedatthetimeoftheRebellionofWorms。
JuliusCaesarisnotedforhisfamoustelegramdispatchI
cameIsawIconquered。
JuliusCaesarwasreallyaverygreatman。HewasaverygreatsoldierandwroteabookforbeginnersintheLatin。
Cleopatrawascausedbythedeathofanaspwhichshedissolvedinawinecup。
TheonlyformofgovernmentinGreecewasalimitedmonkey。
ThePersianwarlastedabout500years。
Greecehadonly7wisemen。
Socrates……destroyedsomestatuesandhadtodrinkShamrock。
Hereisafactcorrectlystated;andyetitisphrasedwithsuchingeniousinfelicitythatitcanbedependedupontoconveymisinformationeverytimeitisuncarefullyunread:
BytheSaliclawnowomanordescendantofawomancouldoccupythethrone。
Toshowhowfarachildcantravelinhistorywithjudiciousanddiligentboostinginthepublicschool，weselectthefollowingmosaic:
AbrahamLincolnwasborninWalesin1599。
Inthechapterheaded"Intellectual"Ifindagreatnumberofmostinterestingstatements。Asampleortwomaybefoundnotamiss:
BracebridgeHallwaswrittenbyHenryIrving。
ShowBoundwaswrittenbyPeterCooper。
TheHouseoftheSevenGableswaswrittenbyLordBryant。
EdgarA。Poewasaverycurdlingwriter。
CottonMatherwasawriterwhoinventedthecottenginandwrotehistories。
BeowulfwrotetheScriptures。
BenJohnsonsurvivedShakspeareinsomerespects。
IntheCanterburyTaleitgivesaccountofKingAlfredonhiswaytotheshrineofThomasBucket。
ChaucerwasthefatherofEnglishpottery。
Chaucerwasablandversewriterofthethirdcentury。
ChaucerwassucceededbyH。Wads。LongfellowanAmericanWriter。Hiswritingswerechieflyproseandnearlyonehundredyearselapsed。
ShaksperetranslatedtheScripturesanditwascalledSt。
Jamesbecausehedidit。
InthemiddleofthechapterIfindmanypagesofinformationconcerningShakespeare’splays，Milton’sworks，andthoseofBacon，Addison，SamuelJohnson，Fielding，Richardson，Sterne，Smollett，DeFoe，Locke，Pope，Swift，Goldsmith，Burns，Cowper，Wordsworth，Gibbon，Byron，Coleridge，Hood，Scott，Macaulay，GeorgeEliot，Dickens，Bulwer，Thackeray，Browning，Mrs。Browning，Tennyson，andDisraeliafactwhichshowsthatintotherestrictedstomachofthepublicschoolpupilisshoveledeveryyeartheblood，bone，andvisceraofagiganticliterature，andthesameistheredigestedanddisposedofinamostsuccessfulandcharacteristicandgratifyingpublicschoolway。Ihavespaceforbutatriflingfewoftheresults:
LordByronwasthesonofanheiressandadrunkenman。
Wm。WordsworthwrotetheBarefootBoyandImitationsonImmortality。
GibbonwroteahistoryofhistravelsinItaly。Thiswasoriginal。
GeorgeEliotleftawifeandchildrenwhomournedgreatlyforhisgenius。
GeorgeEliotMissMaryEvansMrs。CrossMrs。LewiswasthegreatestfemalepoetunlessGeorgeSandsismadeanexceptionof。
Bulwellisconsideredagoodwriter。
SirWalterScottCharlesBronteAlfredtheGreatandJohnsonwerethefirstgreatnovelists。
ThomasBabingtonMakorlaygraduatedatHarvardandthenstudiedlaw，hewasraisedtothepeerageasbaronin1557anddiedin1776。
Herearetwoorthreemiscellaneousfactsthatmaybeofvalue，iftakeninmoderation:
Homer’swritingsareHomer’sEssaysVirgiltheAenidandParadiselostsomepeoplesaythatthesepoemswerenotwrittenbyHomerbutbyanothermanofthesamename。
AsortofsadnesskindofshoneinBryant’spoems。
Holmesisaveryprofligateandamusingwriter。
WhenthepublicschoolpupilwrestleswiththepoliticalfeaturesoftheGreatRepublic，theythrowhimsometimes:
AbillbecomesalawwhenthePresidentvetoesit。
ThethreedepartmentsofthegovernmentisthePresidentrulestheworld，thegovernorrulestheState，themayorrulesthecity。
ThefirstconscientiousCongressmetinPhiladelphia。
TheConstitutionoftheUnitedStateswasestablishedtoensuredomestichostility。
Truthcrushedtoearthwillriseagain。Asfollows:
TheConstitutionoftheUnitedStatesisthatpartofthebookattheendwhichnobodyreads。
Andheresherisesoncemoreanduntimely。Thereshouldbealimittopublicschoolinstruction;itcannotbewiseorwelltolettheyoungfindouteverything:
Congressisdividedintocivilizedhalfcivilizedandsavage。
Herearesomeresultsofstudyinmusicandoratory:
Anintervalinmusicisthedistanceonthekeyboardfromonepianotothenext。
Arestmeansyouarenottosingit。
Emphasisisputtingmoredistressononewordthananother。
Thechapteron"Physiology"containsmuchthatoughtnottobelosttoscience:
Physillogigyistostudyaboutyourbonesstummickandvertebry。
Occupationswhichareinjurioustohealtharecabolicacidgaswhichisimpureblood。
Wehaveanupperandlowerskin。Thelowerskinmovesallthetimeandtheupperskinmoveswhenwedo。
Thebodyismostlycomposedofwaterandaboutonehalfisavaricioustissue。
Thestomachisasmallpearshapedbonesituatedinthebody。
Thegastricjuicekeepsthebonesfromcreaking。
TheChyleflowsupthemiddleofthebackboneandreachestheheartwhereitmeetstheoxygenandispurified。
Thesalivaryglandsareusedtosalivatethebody。
Inthestomachstarchischangedtocanesugarandcanesugartosugarcane。
Theolfactorynerveentersthecavityoftheorbitandisdevelopedintothespecialsenseofhearing。
Thegrowthofatoothbeginsinthebackofthemouthandextendstothestomach。
Ifwewereonarailroadtrackandatrainwascomingthetrainwoulddeafenourearssothatwecouldn’tseetogetoffthetrack。
If，uptothispoint，noneofmyquotationshaveaddedflavortotheJohnsoniananecdoteattheheadofthisarticle，letusmakeanotherattempt:
ThetheorythatintuitivetruthsarediscoveredbythelightofnatureoriginatedfromSt。John’sinterpretationofapassageintheGospelofPlato。
Theweightoftheearthisfoundbycomparingamassofknownleadwiththatofamassofunknownlead。
Tofindtheweightoftheearthtakethelengthofadegreeonameridianandmultiplyby61/2pounds。
Thespheresaretoeachotherasthesquaresoftheirhomologoussides。
Abodywillgojustasfarinthefirstsecondasthebodywillgoplustheforceofgravityandthat’sequaltotwicewhatthebodywillgo。
Specificgravityistheweighttobecomparedweightofanequalvolumeoforthatistheweightofabodycomparedwiththeweightofanequalvolume。
Thelawoffluidpressuredividethedifferentformsoforganizedbodiesbytheformofattractionandthenumberincreasedwillbetheform。
Inertiaisthatpropertyofbodiesbyvirtueofwhichitcannotchangeitsownconditionofrestormotion。Inotherwordsitisthenegativequalityofpassivenesseitherinrecoverablelatencyorinsipientlatescence。
Ifalaughisfairhere，notthestrugglingchild，northeunintelligentteacherorrathertheunintelligentBoards，Committees，andTrusteesarethepropertargetforit。Allthroughthislittlebookonedetectsthesignsofacertainprobablefactthatalargepartofthepupil’s"instruction"
consistsincramminghimwithobscureandwordy"rules"whichhedoesnotunderstandandhasnotimetounderstand。Itwouldbeasusefultocramhimwithbrickbats;theywouldatleaststay。
第9章