Icannotriditofhisexplosiveinterlardings，theybreakineverywherewiththeirirrelevant，"WhatinhellareyouuptoNOW！pullherdown！more！MORE！therenow，steadyasyougo，"
　　andtheotherdisorganizinginterruptionsthatwerealwaysleapingfromhismouth。WhenIreadShakespearenowIcanhearthemasplainlyasIdidinthatlongdepartedtimefiftyoneyearsago。IneverregardedEaler’sreadingsaseducational。
　　Indeed，theywereadetrimenttome。
　　Hiscontributionstothetextseldomimprovedit，butbarringthatdetailhewasagoodreader;Icansaythatmuchforhim。Hedidnotusethebook，anddidnotneedto;heknewhisShakespeareaswellasEuclideverknewhismultiplicationtable。
　　DidhehavesomethingtosaythisShakespeareadoringMississippipilotanentDeliaBacon’sbook？
　　Yes。Andhesaidit;saiditallthetime，formonthsinthemorningwatch，themiddlewatch，anddogwatch;andprobablykeptitgoinginhissleep。Heboughttheliteratureofthedisputeasfastasitappeared，andwediscusseditallthroughthirteenhundredmilesofriverfourtimestraversedineverythirtyfivedaysthetimerequiredbythatswiftboattoachievetworoundtrips。Wediscussed，anddiscussed，anddiscussed，anddisputedanddisputedanddisputed;atanyrate，HEdid，andI
　　gotinawordnowandthenwhenheslippedacogandtherewasavacancy。Hedidhisarguingwithheat，withenergy，withviolence;andIdidminewiththereverseandmoderationofasubordinatewhodoesnotliketobeflungoutofapilothouseandisperchedfortyfeetabovethewater。HewasfiercelyloyaltoShakespeareandcordiallyscornfulofBaconandofallthepretensionsoftheBaconians。SowasIatfirst。Andatfirsthewasgladthatthatwasmyattitude。Therewereevenindicationsthatheadmiredit;indicationsdimmed，itistrue，bythedistancethatlaybetweentheloftybosspiloticalaltitudeandmylowlyone，yetperceptibletome;perceptible，andtranslatableintoacomplimentcomplimentcomingdownfromaboutthesnowlineandnotwellthawedinthetransit，andnotlikelytosetanythingafire，notevenacubpilot’sself
　　conceit;stilladetectablecomplement，andprecious。
　　NaturallyitflatteredmeintobeingmoreloyaltoShakespeare
　　ifpossiblethanIwasbefore，andmoreprejudicedagainstBaconifpossiblethatIwasbefore。Andsowediscussedanddiscussed，bothonthesameside，andwerehappy。
　　Forawhile。Onlyforawhile。Onlyforaverylittlewhile，avery，very，verylittlewhile。Thentheatmospherebegantochange;begantocooloff。
　　Abrighterpersonwouldhaveseenwhatthetroublewas，earlierthanIdid，perhaps，butIsawitearlyenoughforallpracticalpurposes。Yousee，hewasofanargumentativedisposition。Thereforeittookhimbutalittletimetogettiredofarguingwithapersonwhoagreedwitheverythinghesaidandconsequentlyneverfurnishedhimaprovocativetoflareupandshowwhathecoulddowhenitcametoclear，cold，hard，rosecut，hundredfaceted，diamondflashingREASONING。Thatwashisnameforit。Ithasbeenappliedsince，withcomplacency，asmanyasseveraltimes，intheBaconShakespearescuffle。OntheShakespeareside。
　　Thenthethinghappenedwhichhashappenedtomorepersonsthantomewhenprincipleandpersonalinterestfoundthemselvesinoppositiontoeachotherandachoicehadtobemade:Iletprinciplego，andwentovertotheotherside。Nottheentireway，butfarenoughtoanswertherequirementsofthecase。Thatistosay，Itookthisattitudetowit，IonlyBELIEVEDBaconwroteShakespeare，whereasIKNEWShakespearedidn’t。Ealerwassatisfiedwiththat，andthewarbrokeloose。Study，practice，experienceinhandlingmyendofthematterpresentlyenabledmetotakemynewpositionalmostseriously;alittlebitlater，utterlyseriously;alittlelaterstill，lovingly，gratefully，devotedly;finally:fiercely，rabidly，uncompromisingly。AfterthatIwasweldedtomyfaith，Iwastheoreticallyreadytodieforit，andIlookeddownwithcompassionnotunmixedwithscornuponeverybodyelse’sfaiththatdidn’ttallywithmine。Thatfaith，imposeduponmebyselfinterestinthatancientday，remainsmyfaithtoday，andinitIfindcomfort，solace，peace，andneverfailingjoy。Youseehowcuriouslytheologicalitis。
　　The"riceChristian"oftheOrientgoesthroughtheverysamesteps，whenheisafterriceandthemissionaryisafterHIM;hegoesforrice，andremainstoworship。
　　Ealerdidalotofour"reasoning"nottosaysubstantiallyallofit。Theslavesofhisculthaveapassionforcallingitbythatlargename。Weothersdonotcallourinductionsanddeductionsandreductionsbyanynameatall。Theyshowforthemselveswhattheyare，andwecanwithtranquilconfidenceleavetheworldtoennoblethemwithatitleofitsownchoosing。
　　NowandthenwhenEalerhadtostoptocough，Ipulledmyinductiontalentstogetherandhovethecontroversialleadmyself:alwaysgettingeightfeet，eightandahalf，oftennine，sometimesevenquarterlesstwainas_I_believed;butalways"nobottom，"asHEsaid。
　　Igotthebestofhimonlyonce。Ipreparedmyself。I
　　wroteoutapassagefromShakespeareitmayhavebeentheveryoneIquotedawhileago，Idon’trememberandriddleditwithhiswildsteamboatfulinterlardings。Whenanunriskyopportunityoffered，onelovelysummerday，whenwehadsoundedandbuoyedatangledpatchofcrossingsknownasHell’sHalfAcre，andwereaboardagainandhehadsneakedthePENNSYLVANIAtriumphantlythroughitwithoutoncescrapingsand，andtheA。T。LACEYhadfollowedinourwakeandgotstuck，andhewasfeelinggood，I
　　showedittohim。Itamusedhim。Iaskedhimtofireitoff
　　READit;readit，Idiplomaticallyadded，asonlyHEcouldreaddramaticpoetry。Thecomplimenttouchedhimwherehelived。Hedidreadit;readitwithsurpassingfireandspirit;readitasitwillneverbereadagain;forHEknowhowtoputtherightmusicintothosethunderousinterlardingsandmakethemseemapartofthetext，makethemsoundasiftheywereburstingfromShakespeare’sownsoul，eachoneofthemagoldeninspirationandnottobeleftoutwithoutdamagetothemassedandmagnificentwhole。
　　Iwaitedaweek，tolettheincidentfade;waitedlonger;
　　waiteduntilhebroughtupforreasoningsandvituperationmypetposition，mypetargument，theonewhichIwasfondestof，theonewhichIprizedfaraboveallothersinmyammunitionwagon
　　towit，thatShakespearecouldn’thavewrittenShakespeare’swords，forthereasonthatthemanwhowrotethemwaslimitlesslyfamiliarwiththelaws，andthelawcourts，andlawproceedings，andlawyertalk，andlawyerwaysandifShakespearewaspossessedoftheinfinitelydividedstardustthatconstitutedthisvastwealth，HOWdidhegetit，andWHEREandWHEN？
　　"Frombooks。"
　　Frombooks！Thatwasalwaystheidea。Iansweredasmyreadingsofthechampionsofmysideofthegreatcontroversyhadtaughtmetoanswer:thatamancan’thandlegliblyandeasilyandcomfortablyandsuccessfullytheargotofatradeatwhichhehasnotpersonallyserved。Hewillmakemistakes;hewillnot，andcannot，getthetradephrasingspreciselyandexactlyright;
　　andthemomenthedeparts，byevenashade，fromacommontrade
　　form，thereaderwhohasservedthattradewillknowthewriterHASN’T。Ealerwouldnotbeconvinced;hesaidamancouldlearnhowtocorrectlyhandlethesubtletiesandmysteriesandfree
　　masonriesofANYtradebycarefulreadingandstudying。ButwhenIgothimtoreadagainthepassagefromShakespearewiththeinterlardings，heperceived，himself，thatbookscouldn’tteachastudentabewilderingmultitudeofpilotphrasessothoroughlyandperfectlythathecouldtalkthemoffinbookandplayorconversationandmakenomistakethatapilotwouldnotimmediatelydiscover。Itwasatriumphforme。Hewassilentawhile，andIknewwhatwashappeninghewaslosinghistemper。
　　AndIknewhewouldpresentlyclosethesessionwiththesameoldargumentthatwasalwayshisstayandhissupportintimeofneed;thesameoldargument，theoneIcouldn’tanswer，becauseI
　　dasn’ttheargumentthatIwasanass，andbettershutup。Hedeliveredit，andIobeyed。
　　Odear，howlongagoitwashowpatheticallylongago！AndhereamI，old，forsaken，forlorn，andalone，arrangingtogetthatargumentoutofsomebodyagain。
　　WhenamanhasapassionforShakespeare，itgoeswithoutsayingthathekeepscompanywithotherstandardauthors。Ealeralwayshadseveralhighclassbooksinthepilothouse，andhereadthesameonesoverandoveragain，anddidnotcaretochangetonewerandfresherones。Heplayedwellontheflute，andgreatlyenjoyedhearinghimselfplay。SodidI。Hehadanotionthataflutewouldkeepitshealthbetterifyoutookitapartwhenitwasnotstandingawatch;andso，whenitwasnotondutyittookitsrest，disjointed，onthecompassshelfunderthebreastboard。WhenthePENNSYLVANIAblewupandbecameadriftingrackheapfreightedwithwoundedanddyingpoorsouls（myyoungbrotherHenryamongthem），pilotBrownhadthewatchbelow，andwasprobablyasleepandneverknewwhatkilledhim;
　　butEalerescapedunhurt。Heandhispilothousewereshotupintotheair;thentheyfell，andEalersankthroughtheraggedcavernwherethehurricanedeckandtheboilerdeckhadbeen，andlandedinanestofruinsonthemaindeck，ontopofoneoftheunexplodedboilers，wherehelayproneinafogofscaldanddeadlysteam。Butnotforlong。Hedidnotlosehisheadlongfamiliaritywithdangerhadtaughthimtokeepit，inanyandallemergencies。Heheldhiscoatlapelstohisnosewithonehand，tokeepoutthesteam，andscrabbledaroundwiththeothertillhefoundthejointsofhisflute，thenhetookmeasurestosavehimselfalive，andwassuccessful。Iwasnotonboard。IhadbeenputashoreinNewOrleansbyCaptainKlinenfelter。Thereasonhowever，IhavetoldallaboutitinthebookcalledOLD
　　TIMESONTHEMISSISSIPPI，anditisn’timportant，anyway，itissolongago。
　　II
　　WhenIwasaSundayschoolscholar，somethingmorethansixtyyearsago，IbecameinterestedinSatan，andwantedtofindoutallIcouldabouthim。Ibegantoaskquestions，butmyclassteacher，Mr。Barclay，thestonemason，wasreluctantaboutansweringthem，itseemedtome。Iwasanxioustobepraisedforturningmythoughtstoserioussubjectswhentherewasn’tanotherboyinthevillagewhocouldbehiredtodosuchathing。IwasgreatlyinterestedintheincidentofEveandtheserpent，andthoughtEve’scalmnesswasperfectlynoble。IaskedMr。Barclayifhehadeverheardofanotherwomanwho，beingapproachedbyaserpeant，wouldnotexcuseherselfandbreakforthenearesttimber。Hedidnotanswermyquestion，butrebukedmeforinquiringintomattersabovemyageandcomprehension。IwillsayforMr。BarclaythathewaswillingtotellmethefactsofSatan’shistory，buthestoppedthere:hewouldn’tallowanydiscussionofthem。
　　Inthecourseoftimeweexhaustedthefacts。Therewereonlyfiveorsixofthem;youcouldsetthemalldownonavisitingcard。Iwasdisappointed。Ihadbeenmeditatingabiography，andwasgrievedtofindthattherewerenomaterials。
　　Isaidasmuch，withthetearsrunningdown。Mr。Barclay’ssympathyandcompassionwerearoused，forhewasamostkindandgentlespiritedman，andhepattedmeontheheadandcheeredmeupbysayingtherewasawholevastoceanofmaterials！Icanstillfeelthehappythrillwhichtheseblessedwordsshotthroughme。
　　Thenhebegantobailoutthatocean’srichesformyencouragementandjoy。Likethis:itwas"conjectured"thoughnotestablishedthatSatanwasoriginallyanangelinHeaven;
　　thathefell;thatherebelled，andbroughtonawar;thathewasdefeated，andbanishedtoperdition。Also，"wehavereasontobelieve"thatlaterhedidsoandso;that"wearewarrantedinsupposing"thatatasubsequenttimehetraveledextensively，seekingwhomhemightdevour;thatacoupleofcenturiesafterward，"astraditioninstructsus，"hetookupthecrueltradeoftemptingpeopletotheirruin，withvastandfearfulresults;thatbyandby，"astheprobabilitiesseemtoindicate，"
　　hemayhavedonecertainthings，hemighthavedonecertainotherthings，hemusthavedonestillotherthings。
　　Andsoonandsoon。Wesetdownthefiveknownfactsbythemselvesonapieceofpaper，andnumberedit"page1";thenonfifteenhundredotherpiecesofpaperwesetdownthe"conjectures，"and"suppositions，"and"maybes，"and"perhapses，"
　　and"doubtlesses，"and"rumors，"andguesses，"and"probabilities，"and"likelihoods，"and"wearepermittedtothinks，"and"wearewarrantedinbelievings，"and"mighthavebeens，"and"couldhavebeens，"and"musthavebeens，"and"unquestionablys，"and"withoutashadowofdoubt"andbehold！
　　MATERIALS？Why，wehadenoughtobuildabiographyofShakespeare！
　　Yethemademeputawaymypen;hewouldnotletmewritethehistoryofSatan。Why？Because，ashesaid，hehadsuspicionssuspicionsthatmyattitudeinthematterwasnotreverent，andthatapersonmustbereverentwhenwritingaboutthesacredcharacters。HesaidanyonewhospokeflippantlyofSatanwouldbefrowneduponbythereligiousworldandalsobebroughttoaccount。
　　Iassuredhim，inearnestandsincerewords，thathehadwhollymisconceivedmyattitude;thatIhadthehighestrespectforSatan，andthatmyreverenceforhimequaled，andpossiblyevenexceeded，thatofanymemberofthechurch。IsaiditwoundedmedeeplytoperceivebyhiswordsthathethoughtI
　　wouldmakefunofSatan，andderidehim，laughathim，scoffathim;whereasintruthIhadneverthoughtofsuchathing，buthadonlyawarmdesiretomakefunofthoseothersandlaughatTHEM。"Whatothers？"Why，theSupposers，thePerhapsers，theMightHaveBeeners，theCouldHaveBeeners，theMustHaveBeeners，theWithoutaShadowofDoubters，theWeAreWarrantedinBelievingers，andallthatfunnycropofsolemnarchitectswhohavetakenagoodsolidfoundationoffiveindisputableandunimportantfactsandbuiltuponitaConjecturalSatanthirtymileshigh。"
　　WhatdidMr。Barclaydothen？Washedisarmed？Washesilenced？No。Hewasshocked。Hewassoshockedthathevisiblyshuddered。HesaidtheSatanicTraditionersandPerhapsersandConjecturerswereTHEMSELVESsacred！Assacredastheirwork。Sosacredthatwhosoventuredtomockthemormakefunoftheirwork，couldnotafterwardenteranyrespectablehouse，evenbythebackdoor。
　　Howtruewerehiswords，andhowwise！HowfortunateitwouldhavebeenformeifIhadheededthem。ButIwasyoung，I
　　wasbutsevenyearsofage，andvain，foolish，andanxioustoattractattention。Iwrotethebiography，andhaveneverbeeninarespectablehousesince。
　　III
　　HowcuriousandinterestingistheparallelasfaraspovertyofbiographicaldetailsisconcernedbetweenSatanandShakespeare。Itiswonderful，itisunique，itstandsquitealone，thereisnothingresemblingitinhistory，nothingresemblingitinromance，nothingapproachingitevenintradition。Howsublimeistheirposition，andhowovertopping，howskyreaching，howsupremethetwoGreatUnknowns，thetwoIllustriousConjecturabilities！Theyarethebestknownunknownpersonsthathaveeverdrawnbreathupontheplanet。
　　FortheinstructionoftheignorantIwillmakealist，now，ofthosedetailsofShakespeare’shistorywhichareFACTS
　　verifiedfacts，establishedfacts，undisputedfacts。
　　FactsHewasbornonthe23dofApril，1564。
　　Ofgoodfarmerclassparentswhocouldnotread，couldnotwrite，couldnotsigntheirnames。
　　AtStratford，asmallbacksettlementwhichinthatdaywasshabbyandunclean，anddenselyilliterate。Ofthenineteenimportantmenchargedwiththegovernmentofthetown，thirteenhadto"maketheirmark"inattestingimportantdocuments，becausetheycouldnotwritetheirnames。
　　OfthefirsteighteenyearsofhislifeNOTHINGisknown。
　　Theyareablank。
　　Onthe27thofNovember（1582）WilliamShakespearetookoutalicensetomarryAnneWhateley。
　　NextdayWilliamShakespearetookoutalicensetomarryAnneHathaway。Shewaseightyearshissenior。
　　WilliamShakespearemarriedAnneHathaway。Inahurry。Bygraceofareluctantlygranteddispensationtherewasbutonepublicationofthebanns。
　　Withinsixmonthsthefirstchildwasborn。
　　Abouttwo（blank）yearsfollowed，duringwhichperiodNOTHINGATALLHAPPENEDTOSHAKESPEARE，sofarasanybodyknows。
　　Thencametwins1585。February。
　　Twoblankyearsfollow。
　　Then1587hemakesatenyearvisittoLondon，leavingthefamilybehind。
　　Fiveblankyearsfollow。DuringthisperiodNOTHING
　　HAPPENEDTOHIM，asfarasanybodyactuallyknows。
　　Then1592thereismentionofhimasanactor。
　　Nextyear1593hisnameappearsintheofficiallistofplayers。
　　Nextyear1594heplayedbeforethequeen。Adetailofnoconsequence:otherobscuritiesdiditeveryyearoftheforty
　　fiveofherreign。Andremainedobscure。
　　Threeprettyfullyearsfollow。Fullofplayacting。Then*
　　In1597heboughtNewPlace，Stratford。
　　Thirteenorfourteenbusyyearsfollow;yearsinwhichheaccumulatedmoney，andalsoreputationasactorandmanager。
　　Meantimehisname，liberallyandvariouslyspelt，hadbecomeassociatedwithanumberofgreatplaysandpoems，as（ostensibly）authorofthesame。
　　Someofthese，intheseyearsandlater，werepirated，buthemadenoprotest。
　　Then161011hereturnedtoStratfordandsettleddownforgoodandall，andbusiedhimselfinlendingmoney，tradingintithes，tradinginlandandhouses;shirkingadebtoffortyoneshillings，borrowedbyhiswifeduringhislongdesertionofhisfamily;suingdebtorsforshillingsandcoppers;beingsuedhimselfforshillingsandcoppers;andactingasconfederatetoaneighborwhotriedtorobthetownofitsrightsinacertaincommon，anddidnotsucceed。
　　Helivedfiveorsixyearstill1616inthejoyoftheseelevatedpursuits。Thenhemadeawill，andsignedeachofitsthreepageswithhisname。
　　Athoroughgoingbusinessman’swill。Itnamedinminutedetaileveryitemofpropertyheownedintheworldhouses，lands，sword，silvergiltbowl，andsoonallthewaydowntohis"secondbestbed"anditsfurniture。
　　Itcarefullyandcalculatinglydistributedhisrichesamongthemembersofhisfamily，overlookingnoindividualofit。Notevenhiswife:thewifehehadbeenenabledtomarryinahurrybyurgentgraceofaspecialdispensationbeforehewasnineteen;
　　thewifewhomhehadlefthusbandlesssomanyyears;thewifewhohadhadtoborrowfortyoneshillingsinherneed，andwhichthelenderwasneverabletocollectoftheprosperoushusband，butdiedatlastwiththemoneystilllacking。No，eventhiswifewasrememberedinShakespeare’swill。
　　Heleftherthat"secondbestbed。"
　　AndNOTANOTHERTHING;notevenapennytoblessherluckywidowhoodwith。
　　Itwaseminentlyandconspicuouslyabusinessman’swill，notapoet’s。
　　ItmentionedNOTASINGLEBOOK。
　　Booksweremuchmorepreciousthanswordsandsilvergiltbowlsandsecondbestbedsinthosedays，andwhenadepartingpersonownedonehegaveitahighplaceinhiswill。
　　ThewillmentionedNOTAPLAY，NOTAPOEM，NOTANUNFINISHED
　　LITERARYWORK，NOTASCRAPOFMANUSCRIPTOFANYKIND。
　　Manypoetshavediedpoor，butthisistheonlyoneinhistorythathasdiedTHISpoor;theothersallleftliteraryremainsbehind。Alsoabook。Maybetwo。
　　IfShakespearehadownedadogbutwenotgointothat:weknowhewouldhavementioneditinhiswill。Ifagooddog，Susannawouldhavegotit;ifaninferioronehiswifewouldhavegotadownerinterestinit。Iwishhehadhadadog，justsowecouldseehowpainstakinglyhewouldhavedividedthatdogamongthefamily，inhiscarefulbusinessway。
　　Hesignedthewillinthreeplaces。
　　Inearlieryearshesignedtwootherofficialdocuments。
　　Thesefivesignaturesstillexist。
　　ThereareNOOTHERSPECIMENSOFHISPENMANSHIPINEXISTENCE。
　　Notaline。
　　Washeprejudicedagainsttheart？Hisgranddaughter，whomheloved，waseightyearsoldwhenhedied，yetshehadhadnoteaching，heleftnoprovisionforhereducation，althoughhewasrich，andinhermaturewomanhoodshecouldn’twriteandcouldn’ttellherhusband’smanuscriptfromanybodyelse’sshethoughtitwasShakespeare’s。
　　WhenShakespearediedinStratford，ITWASNOTANEVENT。ItmadenomorestirinEnglandthanthedeathofanyotherforgottentheateractorwouldhavemade。NobodycamedownfromLondon;therewerenolamentingpoems，noeulogies，nonationaltearstherewasmerelysilence，andnothingmore。AstrikingcontrastwithwhathappenedwhenBenJonson，andFrancisBacon，andSpenser，andRaleigh，andtheotherdistinguishedliteraryfolkofShakespeare’stimepassedfromlife！NopraisefulvoicewasliftedforthelostBardofAvon;evenBenJonsonwaitedsevenyearsbeforeheliftedhis。
　　SOFARASANYBODYACTUALLYKNOWSANDCANPROVE，ShakespeareofStratfordonAvonneverwroteaplayinhislife。
　　SOFARASANYONEKNOWS，HERECEIVEDONLYONELETTER
　　DURINGHISLIFE。
　　SofarasanyoneKNOWSANDCANPROVE，ShakespeareofStratfordwroteonlyonepoemduringhislife。Thisoneisauthentic。Hedidwritethatoneafactwhichstandsundisputed;hewrotethewholeofit;hewrotethewholeofitoutofhisownhead。Hecommandedthatthisworkofartbeengraveduponhistomb，andhewasobeyed。Thereitabidestothisday。Thisisit:
　　GoodfriendforIesussakeforbeareTodiggthedustencloasedheare:
　　BlestbeyemanytsparesthesstonesAndcurstbeheytmovesmybones。
　　InthelistasabovesetdownwillbefoundEVERYPOSITIVELY
　　KNOWNfactofShakespeare’slife，leanandmeagerastheinvoiceis。BeyondthesedetailsweknowNOTATHINGabouthim。Alltherestofhisvasthistory，asfurnishedbythebiographers，isbuiltup，courseuponcourse，ofguesses，inferences，theories，conjecturesanEiffelTowerofartificialitiesrisingskyhighfromaveryflatandverythinfoundationofinconsequentialfacts。
　　IV
　　ConjecturesThehistorians"suppose"thatShakespeareattendedtheFreeSchoolinStratfordfromthetimehewassevenyearsoldtillhewasthirteen。ThereisnoEVIDENCEinexistencethatheeverwenttoschoolatall。
　　Thehistorians"infer"thathegothisLatininthatschooltheschoolwhichthey"suppose"heattended。
　　They"suppose"hisfather’sdecliningfortunesmadeitnecessaryforhimtoleavetheschooltheysupposedheattended，andgettoworkandhelpsupporthisparentsandtheirtenchildren。Butthereisnoevidencethatheeverenteredorreturnedfromtheschooltheysupposeheattended。
　　They"suppose"heassistedhisfatherinthebutcheringbusiness;andthat，beingonlyaboy，hedidn’thavetodofull
　　grownbutchering，butonlyslaughteringcalves。Also，thatwheneverhekilledacalfhemadeahighflownspeechoverit。
　　Thissuppositionrestsuponthetestimonyofamanwhowasn’tthereatthetime;amanwhogotitfromamanwhocouldhavebeenthere，butdidnotsaywhetherhewasnornot;andneitherofthemthoughttomentionitfordecades，anddecades，anddecades，andtwomoredecadesafterShakespeare’sdeath（untiloldageandmentaldecayhadrefreshedandvivifiedtheirmemories）。Theyhadn’ttwofactsinstockaboutthelongdeaddistinguishedcitizen，butonlyjusttheone:heslaughteredcalvesandbrokeintooratorywhilehewasatit。Curious。Theyhadonlyonefact，yetthedistinguishedcitizenhadspenttwentysixyearsinthatlittletownjusthalfhislifetime。
　　However，rightlyviewed，itwasthemostimportantfact，indeedalmosttheonlyimportantfact，ofShakespeare’slifeinStratford。Rightlyviewed。Forexperienceisanauthor’smostvaluableasset;experienceisthethingthatputsthemuscleandthebreathandthewarmbloodintothebookhewrites。Rightlyviewed，calfbutcheringaccountsfor"TitusAndronicus，"theonlyplayain’tit？thattheStratfordShakespeareeverwrote;andyetitistheonlyoneeverybodytriedtochousehimoutof，theBaconiansincluded。
　　Thehistoriansfindthemselves"justifiedinbelieving"thattheyoungShakespearepoacheduponSirThomasLucy’sdeerpreservesandgothaledbeforethatmagistrateforit。Butthereisnoshredofrespectworthyevidencethatanythingofthekindhappened。
　　Thehistorians，havingarguedthethingthatMIGHThavehappenedintothethingthatDIDhappen，foundnotroubleinturningSirThomasLucyintoMr。JusticeShallow。TheyhavelongagoconvincedtheworldonsurmiseandwithouttrustworthyevidencethatShallowISSirThomas。
　　ThenextadditiontotheyoungShakespeare’sStratfordhistorycomeseasy。Thehistorianbuildsitoutofthesurmiseddeersteeling，andthesurmisedtrialbeforethemagistrate，andthesurmisedvengeancepromptedsatireuponthemagistrateintheplay:result，theyoungShakespearewasawild，wild，wild，oh，SUCHawildyoungscamp，andthatgratuitousslanderisestablishedforalltime！ItistheverywayProfessorOsbornandIbuiltthecolossalskeletonbrontosaurthatstandsfifty
　　sevenfeetlongandsixteenfeethighintheNaturalHistoryMuseum，theaweandadmirationofalltheworld，thestateliestskeletonthatexistsontheplanet。Wehadninebones，andwebuilttherestofhimoutofplasterofParis。WeranshortofplasterofParis，orwe’dhavebuiltabrontosaurthatcouldsitdownbesidetheStratfordShakespeareandnonebutanexpertcouldtellwhichwasbiggestorcontainedthemostplaster。
　　Shakespearepronounced"VenusandAdonis""thefirstheirofhisinvention，"apparentlyimplyingthatitwashisfirsteffortatliterarycomposition。Heshouldnothavesaidit。Ithasbeenanembarrassmenttohishistoriansthesemany，manyyears。
　　TheyhavetomakehimwritethatgracefulandpolishedandflawlessandbeautifulpoembeforeheescapedfromStratfordandhisfamily1586or’87age，twentytwo，oralongthere;becausewithinthenextfiveyearshewrotefivegreatplays，andcouldnothavefoundtimetowriteanotherline。
　　Itissorelyembarrassing。Ifhebegantoslaughtercalves，andpoachdeer，androllickaround，andlearnEnglish，attheearliestlikelymomentsayatthirteen，whenhewassupposablywretchedfromthatschoolwherehewassupposablystoringupLatinforfutureliteraryusehehadhisyouthfulhandsfull，andmuchmorethanfull。HemusthavehadtoputasidehisWarwickshiredialect，whichwouldn’tbeunderstoodinLondon，andstudyEnglishveryhard。Veryhardindeed;incrediblyhard，almost，iftheresultofthatlaborwastobethesmoothandroundedandflexibleandletterperfectEnglishofthe"VenusandAdonis"inthespaceoftenyears;andatthesametimelearngreatandfineandunsurpassableliteraryFORM。
　　However，itis"conjectured"thatheaccomplishedallthisandmore，muchmore:learnedlawanditsintricacies;andthecomplexprocedureofthelawcourts;andallaboutsoldiering，andsailoring，andthemannersandcustomsandwaysofroyalcourtsandaristocraticsociety;andlikewiseaccumulatedinhisoneheadeverykindofknowledgethelearnedthenpossessed，andeverykindofhumbleknowledgepossessedbythelowlyandtheignorant;andaddedtheretoawiderandmoreintimateknowledgeoftheworld’sgreatliteratures，ancientandmodern，thanwaspossessedbyanyothermanofhistimeforhewasgoingtomakebrilliantandeasyandadmirationcompellinguseofthesesplendidtreasuresthemomenthegottoLondon。Andaccordingtothesurmisers，thatiswhathedid。Yes，althoughtherewasnooneinStratfordabletoteachhimthesethings，andnolibraryinthelittlevillagetodigthemoutof。Hisfathercouldnotread，andeventhesurmiserssurmisethathedidnotkeepalibrary。
　　ItissurmisedbythebiographersthattheyoungShakespearegothisvastknowledgeofthelawandhisfamiliarandaccurateacquaintancewiththemannersandcustomsandshoptalkoflawyersthroughbeingforatimetheCLERKOFASTRATFORDCOURT;