Therearenostandardsnorealstandards。Eachman’spreferenceistheonlystandardforhim，theonlyonewhichhecanaccept，theonlyonewhichcancommandhim。
　　ASCONCERNSINTERPRETINGTHEDEITY
　　I
　　ThislineofhieroglyphicswasforfourteenyearsthedespairofallthescholarswholaboredoverthemysteriesoftheRosettastone:[Figure1]
　　AfterfiveyearsofstudyChampolliontranslateditthus:
　　ThereforelettheworshipofEpiphanesbemaintainedinallthetemples，thisuponpainofdeath。
　　Thatwasthetwentyforthtranslationthathadbeenfurnishedbyscholars。Foratimeitstood。Butonlyforatime。Thendoubtsbegantoassailitandundermineit，andthescholarsresumedtheirlabors。Threeyearsofpatientworkproducedelevennewtranslations;amongthem，this，byGr:unfeldt，wasreceivedwithconsiderablefavor:
　　ThehorseofEpiphanesshallbemaintainedatthepublicexpense;
　　thisuponpainofdeath。
　　Butthefollowingrendering，byGospodin，wasreceivedbythelearnedworldwithyetgreaterfavor:
　　ThepriestshallexplainthewisdomofEpiphanestoallthesepeople，andtheseshalllistenwithreverence，uponpainofdeath。
　　Sevenyearsfollowed，inwhichtwentyonefreshandwidelyvaryingrenderingswerescorednoneofthemquiteconvincing。
　　Butnow，atlast，cameRawlinson，theyoungestofallthescholars，withatranslationwhichwasimmediatelyanduniversallyrecognizedasbeingthecorrectversion，andhisnamebecamefamousinaday。Sofamous，indeed，thateventhechildrenwerefamiliarwithit;andsuchanoisedidtheachievementitselfmakethatnoteventhenoiseofthemonumentalpoliticaleventofthatsameyeartheflightfromElbawasabletosmotherittosilence。Rawlinson’sversionreadsasfollows:
　　Therefore，walknotawayfromthewisdomofEpiphanes，butturnandfollowit;soshallitconducttheetothetemple’speace，andsoftenfortheethesorrowsoflifeandthepainsofdeath。
　　Hereisanotherdifficulttext:[Figure2]
　　ItisdemoticastyleofEgyptianwritingandaphaseofthelanguagewhichhasperishedfromtheknowledgeofallmentwentyfivehundredyearsbeforetheChristianera。
　　OurredIndianshaveleftmanyrecords，intheformofpictures，uponourcragsandboulders。Ithastakenourmostgiftedandpainstakingstudentstwocenturiestogetatthemeaningshiddeninthesepictures;yettherearestilltwolittlelinesofhieroglyphicsamongthefiguresgroupedupontheDightonRockswhichtheyhavenotsucceedsininterpretingtotheirsatisfaction。These:[Figure3]
　　Thesuggestedsolutionsarepracticallyinnumerable;theywouldfillabook。
　　Thuswehaveinfinitetroubleinsolvingmanmademysteries;
　　itisonlywhenwesetouttodiscoverthesecretofGodthatourdifficultiesdisappear。Itwasalwaysso。InantiqueRomantimesitwasthecustomoftheDeitytotrytoconcealHisintentionsintheentrailsofbirds，andthiswaspatientlyandhopefullycontinuedcenturyaftercentury，althoughtheattemptedconcealmentneversucceeded，inasinglerecordedinstance。Theaugurscouldreadentrailsaseasilyasamodernchildcanreadcoarseprint。Romanhistoryisfullofthemarvelsofinterpretationwhichtheseextraordinarymenperformed。Thesestrangeandwonderfulachievementsmoveouraweandcompelouradmiration。Thosemencouldpiercetothemarrowofamysteryinstantly。IftheRosettastoneideahadbeenintroduceditwouldhavedefeatedthem，butentrailshadnoembarrassmentsforthem。Entrailshavegoneout，nowentrailsanddreams。Itwasatlastfoundoutthatashidingplacesforthedivineintentionstheywereinadequate。
　　ApartofthewallofValletriinformertimesbeenstruckwiththunder，theresponseofthesoothsayerswas，thatanativeofthattownwouldsometimeorotherarriveatsupremepower。
　　BOHN’SSUETONIUS，p。138。
　　"Sometimeorother。"Itlooksindefinite，butnomatter，ithappened，allthesame;oneneededonlytowait，andbepatient，andkeepwatch，thenhewouldfindoutthatthethunder
　　strokehadCaesarAugustusinmind，andhadcometogivenotice。
　　Therewereotheradvanceadvertisements。OneofthemappearedjustbeforeCaesarAugustuswasborn，andwasmostpoeticandtouchingandromanticinitsfeelingsandaspects。
　　Itwasadream。ItwasdreamedbyCaesarAugustus’smother，andinterpretedattheusualrates:
　　Atia，beforeherdelivery，dreamedthatherbowelsstretchedtothestarsandexpandedthroughthewholecircuitofheavenandearth。SUETONIUS，p。139。
　　Thatwasintheaugur’sline，andfurnishedhimnodifficulties，butitwouldhavetakenRawlinsonandChampollionfourteenyearstomakesureofwhatitmeant，becausetheywouldhavebeensurprisedanddizzy。Itwouldhavebeentoolatetobevaluable，then，andthebillforservicewouldhavebeenbarredbythestatuteoflimitation。
　　InthoseoldRomandaysagentleman’seducationwasnotcompleteuntilhehadtakenatheologicalcourseattheseminaryandlearnedhowtotranslateentrails。CaesarAugustus’seducationreceivedthisfinalpolish。Allthroughhislife，wheneverhehadpoultryonthemenuhesavedtheinteriorsandkepthimselfinformedoftheDeity’splansbyexercisinguponthoseinteriorstheartsofaugury。
　　Inhisfirstconsulship，whilehewasobservingtheauguries，twelvevulturespresentedthemselves，astheyhaddonetoRomulus。Andwhenheofferedsacrifice，theliversofallthevictimswerefoldedinwardinthelowerpart;acircumstancewhichwasregardedbythosepresentwhohadskillinthingsofthatnature，asanindubitableprognosticofgreatandwonderfulfortune。SUETONIUS，p。141。
　　"Indubitable"isastrongword，butnodoubtitwasjustified，iftheliverswerereallyturnedthatway。Inthosedayschickenliverswerestrangelyanddelicatelysensitivetocomingevents，nomatterhowfarofftheymightbe;andtheycouldneverkeepstill，butwouldcurlandsquirmlikethat，particularlywhenvulturescameandshowedinterestinthatapproachinggreateventandinbreakfast。
　　II
　　Wemaynowskipelevenhundredandthirtyorfortyyears，whichbringsusdowntoenlightenedChristiantimesandthetroubleddaysofKingStephenofEngland。Theaugurhashadhisdayandhasbeenlongagoforgotten;thepriesthadfallenheirtohistrade。
　　KingHenryisdead;Stephen，thatboldandoutrageousperson，comesflyingoverfromNormandytostealthethronefromHenry’sdaughter。Heaccomplishedhiscrime，andHenryofHuntington，apriestofhighdegree，mournsoveritinhisChronicle。TheArchbishopofCanterburyconsecratedStephen:
　　"whereforetheLordvisitedtheArchbishopwiththesamejudgmentwhichhehadinflicteduponhimwhostruckJeremiahthegreatpriest:hediedwithayear。"
　　Stephen’swasthegreateroffense，butStephencouldwait;
　　notsotheArchbishop，apparently。
　　Thekingdomwasapreytointestinewars;slaughter，fire，andrapinespreadruinthroughouttheland;criesofdistress，horror，andwoeroseineveryquarter。
　　ThatwastheresultofStephen’scrime。Theseunspeakableconditionscontinuedduringnineteenyears。ThenStephendiedascomfortablyasanymaneverdid，andwashonorablyburied。ItmakesonepitythepoorArchbishop，andwiththathe，too，couldhavebeenletoffasleniently。HowdidHenryofHuntingtonknowthattheArchbishopwassenttohisgravebyjudgmentofGodforconsecratingStephen？Hedoesnotexplain。NeitherdoesheexplainwhyStephenwasawardedapleasanterdeaththanhewasentitledto，whiletheagedKingHenry，hispredecessor，whohadruledEnglandthirtyfiveyearstothepeople’sstronglywordedsatisfaction，wascondemnedtoclosehislifeincircumstancesmostdistinctlyunpleasant，inconvenient，anddisagreeable。Hiswasprobablythemostuninspiringfuneralthatissetdowninhistory。Thereisnotadetailaboutitthatisattractive。ItseemstohavebeenjustthefuneralforStephen，andevenatthisfardistantdayitismatterofjustregretthatbyanindiscretionthewrongmangotit。
　　WheneverGodpunishesaman，HenryofHuntingtonknowswhyitwasdone，andtellsus;andhispeniseloquentwithadmiration;butwhenamanhasearnedpunishment，andescapes，hedoesnotexplain。Heisevidentlypuzzled，buthedoesnotsayanything。Ithinkitisoftenapparentthatheispainedbythesediscrepancies，butloyallytrieshisbestnottoshowit。
　　Whenhecannotpraise，hedelivershimselfofasilencesomarkedthatasuspiciouspersoncouldmistakeitforsuppressedcriticism。However，hehasplentyofopportunitiestofeelcontentedwiththewaythingsgohisbookisfullofthem。
　　KingDavidofScotland……undercolorofreligioncausedhisfollowerstodealmostbarbarouslywiththeEnglish。Theyrippedopenwomen，tossedchildrenonthepointsofspears，butcheredpriestsatthealtars，and，cuttingofftheheadsfromtheimagesoncrucifixes，placedthemonthebodiesoftheslain，whileinexchangetheyfixedonthecrucifixestheheadsoftheirvictims。WherevertheScotscame，therewasthesamesceneofhorrorandcruelty:womenshrieking，oldmenlamenting，amidthegroansofthedyingandthedespairoftheliving。
　　ButtheEnglishgotthevictory。
　　ThenthechiefofthemenofLothianfell，piercedbyanarrow，andallhisfollowerswereputtoflight。FortheAlmightywasoffendedatthemandtheirstrengthwasrentlikeacobweb。
　　Offendedatthemforwhat？Forcommittingthosefearfulbutcheries？No，forthatwasthecommoncustomonbothsides，andnotopentocriticism。Thenwasitfordoingthebutcheries"undercoverofreligion"？No，thatwasnotit;religiousfeelingwasoftenexpressedinthatferventwayallthroughthoseoldcenturies。Thetruthis，Hewasnotoffendedat"them"atall;
　　Hewasonlyoffendedattheirking，whohadbeenfalsetoanoath。
　　ThenwhydidnotHeputthepunishmentuponthekinginsteadofupon"them"？Itisadifficultquestion。OnecanseebytheChroniclethatthe"judgments"fellrathercustomarilyuponthewrongperson，butHenryofHuntingtondoesnotexplainwhy。
　　Hereisonethatwenttrue;thechronicler’ssatisfactioninitisnothidden:
　　InthemonthofAugust，Providencedisplayeditsjusticeinaremarkablemanner;fortwoofthenobleswhohadconvertedmonasteriesintofortifications，expellingthemonks，theirsinbeingthesame，metwithasimilarpunishment。RobertMarmionwasone，GodfreydeMandevilletheother。RobertMarmion，issuingforthagainsttheenemy，wasslainunderthewallsofthemonastery，beingtheonlyonewhofell，thoughhewassurroundedbyhistroops。Dyingexcommunicated，hebecamesubjecttodeatheverlasting。InlikemannerEarlGodfreywassingledoutamonghisfollowers，andshotwithanarrowbyacommonfootsoldier。
　　Hemadelightofthewound，buthediedofitinafewdays，underexcommunication。SeeherethelikejudgmentofGod，memorablethroughallages！
　　Theexaltationjarsuponme;notbecauseofthedeathofthemen，fortheydeservedthat，butbecauseitisdeatheternal，inwhitehotfireandflame。Itmakesmyfleshcrawl。Ihavenotknownmorethanthreemen，orperhapsfour，inmywholelifetime，*whomIwouldrejoicetoseewrithinginthosefiresforevenayear，letaloneforever。IbelieveIwouldrelentbeforetheyearwasup，andgetthemoutifIcould。Ithinkthatinthelongrun，ifaman’swifeandbabies，whohadnotharmedme，shouldcomecryingandpleading，Icouldn’tstandit;IknowI
　　shouldforgivehimandlethimgo，evenifhehadviolatedamonastery。HenryofHuntingtonhasbeenwatchingGodfreyandMarmionfornearlysevenhundredandfiftyyears，now，butI
　　couldn’tdoit，IknowIcouldn’t。Iamsoftandgentleinmynature，andIshouldhaveforgiventhemseventyandseventimes，longago。AndIthinkGodhas;butthisisonlyanopinion，andnotauthoritative，likeHenryofHuntington’sinterpretations。
　　Icouldlearntointerpret，butIhavenevertried;Igetsolittletime。
　　AllthroughhisbookHenryexhibitshisfamiliaritywiththeintentionsofGod，andwiththereasonsforhisintentions。
　　Sometimesveryoften，infacttheactfollowstheintentionaftersuchawideintervaloftimethatonewondershowHenrycouldfitoneactoutofahundredtooneintentionoutofahundredandgetthethingrighteverytimewhentherewassuchabundantchoiceamongactsandintentions。SometimesamanoffendstheDeitywithacrime，andispunishedforitthirtyyearslater;meantimehewascommittedamillionothercrimes:
　　nomatter，Henrycanpickouttheonethatbroughttheworms。
　　Wormsweregenerallyusedinthosedaysfortheslayingofparticularlywickedpeople。Thishasgoneout，now，butinoldtimesitwasafavorite。Italwaysindicatedacaseof"wrath。"
　　Forinstance:……thejustGodavengingRobertFitzhilderbrand’sperfidy，awormgrewinhisvitals，whichgraduallygnawingitswaythroughhisintestinesfattenedontheabandonedmantill，torturedwithexcruciatingsufferingsandventinghimselfinbittermoans，hewasbyafittingpunishmentbroughttohisend。
　　（P。400。）
　　Itwasprobablyanalligator，butwecannottell;weonlyknowitwasaparticularbreed，andonlyusedtoconveywrath。
　　Someauthoritiesthinkitwasanichthyosaurus，butthereismuchdoubt。
　　However，onethingwedoknow;andthatisthatthatwormhadbeendueyearsandyears。RobertF。hadviolatedamonasteryonce;
　　hehadcommittedunprintablecrimessince，andtheyhadbeenpermittedunderdisapprovalbuttheravishmentofthemonasteryhadnotbeenforgottennorforgiven，andthewormcameatlast。
　　Whywerethesereformsputoffinthisstrangeway？Whatwastobegainedbyit？DidHenryofHuntingtonreallyknowhisfacts，orwasheonlyguessing？SometimesIamhalfpersuadedthatheisonlyaguesser，andnotagoodone。Thedivinewisdommustsurelybeofthebetterqualitythanhemakesitouttobe。
　　FivehundredyearsbeforeHenry’stimesomeforecastsoftheLord’spurposeswerefurnishedbyapope，whoperceived，bycertainperfectlytrustworthysignsfurnishedbytheDeityfortheinformationofHisfamiliars，thattheendoftheworldwas……abouttocome。Butasthisendoftheworlddrawsnearmanythingsareathandwhichhavenotbeforehappened，aschangesintheair，terriblesignsintheheavens，tempestsoutofthecommonorderoftheseasons，wars，famines，pestilences，earthquakesinvariousplaces;allwhichwillnothappeninourdays，butafterourdaysallwillcometopass。
　　Still，theendwassonearthatthesesignswere"sentbeforethatwemaybecarefulforoursoulsandbefoundpreparedtomeettheimpendingjudgment。"
　　Thatwasthirteenhundredyearsago。ThisisreallynoimprovementontheworkoftheRomanaugurs。
　　ASIMPLIFIEDALPHABET
　　（Thisarticle，writtenduringtheautumnof1899，wasaboutthelastwritingdonebyMarkTwainonanyimpersonalsubject。）
　　Ihavehadakindlyfeeling，afriendlyfeeling，acousinlyfeelingtowardSimplifiedSpelling，fromthebeginningofthemovementthreeyearsago，butnothingmoreinflamedthanthat。
　　Itseemedtometomerelyproposetosubstituteoneinadequacyforanother;asortofpatchingandpluggingpoorolddentalrelicswithcementandgoldandporcelainpaste;whatwasreallyneededwasanewsetofteeth。Thatistosay，anewALPHABET。
　　Theheartofourtroubleiswithourfoolishalphabet。Itdoesn’tknowhowtospell，andcan’tbetaught。Inthisitislikeallotheralphabetsexceptonethephonographic。Thisistheonlycompetentalphabetintheworld。Itcanspellandcorrectlypronounceanywordinourlanguage。
　　Thatadmirablealphabet，thatbrilliantalphabet，thatinspiredalphabet，canbelearnedinanhourortwo。Inaweekthestudentcanlearntowriteitwithsomelittlefacility，andtoreaditwithconsiderableease。Iknow，forIsawittriedinapublicschoolinNevadafortyfiveyearsago，andwassoimpressedbytheincidentthatithasremainedinmymemoryeversince。
　　Iwishwecouldadoptitinplaceofourpresentwritten（andprinted）character。ImeanSIMPLYthealphabet;simplytheconsonantsandthevowelsIdon’tmeananyREDUCTIONSorabbreviationsofthem，suchastheshorthandwriterusesinordertogetcompressionandspeed。No，IwouldSPELLEVERYWORDOUT。
　　IwillinsertthealphabethereasIfinditinBurnz’sPHONICSHORTHAND。[Figure1]ItisarrangedonthebasisofIsaacPitman’sPHONOGRAPHY。IsaacPitmanwastheoriginatorandfatherofscientificphonography。Itisusedthroughouttheglobe。Itwasamemorableinvention。Hemadeitpublicseventy
　　threeyearsago。ThefirmofIsaacPitman&Sons，NewYork，stillexists，andtheycontinuethemaster’swork。
　　Whatshouldwegain？
　　Firstofall，wecouldspellDEFINITELYandcorrectlyanywordyouplease，justbytheSOUNDofit。Wecan’tdothatwithourpresentalphabet。Forinstance，takeasimple，everydaywordPHTHISIS。Ifwetriedtospellitbythesoundofit，weshouldmakeitTYSIS，andbelaughedatbyeveryeducatedperson。
　　Secondly，weshouldgaininREDUCTIONOFLABORinwriting。
　　SimplifiedSpellingmakesvaluablereductionsinthecaseofseveralhundredwords，butthenewspellingmustbeLEARNED。Youcan’tspellthembythesound;youmustgetthemoutofthebook。
　　Butevenifweknewthesimplifiedformforeverywordinthelanguage，thephonographicalphabetwouldstillbeattheSimplifiedSpeller"handsdown"intheimportantmatterofeconomyoflabor。Iwillillustrate:
　　PRESENTFORM:through，laugh，highland。
　　SIMPLIFIEDFORM:thru，laff，hyland。
　　PHONOGRAPHICFORM:[Figure2]
　　Towritetheword"through，"thepenhastomaketwentyonestrokes。
　　Towritetheword"thru，"thenpenhastomaketwelvestrokes
　　agoodsaving。
　　Towritethatsamewordwiththephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlyTHREEstrokes。
　　Towritetheword"laugh，"thepenhastomakeFOURTEEN
　　strokes。
　　Towrite"laff，"thepenhastomaketheSAMENUMBERofstrokesnolaborissavedtothepenman。
　　Towritethesamewordwiththephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlyTHREEstrokes。
　　Towritetheword"highland，"thepenhastomaketwentytwostrokes。
　　Towrite"hyland，"thepenhastomakeeighteenstrokes。
　　Towritethatwordwiththephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlyFIVEstrokes。[Figure3]
　　Towritethewords"phonographicalphabet，"thepenhastomakefiftythreestrokes。
　　Towrite"fonograficalfabet，"thepenhastomakefiftystrokes。
　　Tothepenman，thesavinginlaborisinsignificant。
　　Towritethatword（withvowels）withthephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlySEVENTEENstrokes。
　　Withoutthevowels，onlyTHIRTEENstrokes。[Figure4]Thevowelsarehardlynecessary，thistime。
　　Wemakefivepenstrokesinwritinganm。Thus:[Figure5]
　　astrokedown;astrokeup;asecondstrokedown;asecondstrokeup;afinalstrokedown。Total，five。Thephonographicalphabetaccomplishesthemwithasinglestrokeacurve，likeaparenthesisthathascomehomedrunkandhasfallenfacedownrightatthefrontdoorwhereeverybodythatgoesalongwillseehimandsay，Alas！
　　Whenourwrittenmisnottheendofaword，butisotherwiselocated，ithastobeconnectedwiththenextletter，andthatrequiresanotherpenstroke，makingsixinall，beforeyougetridofthatm。Butnevermindabouttheconnectingstrokesletthemgo。Withoutcountingthem，thetwentysixlettersofouralphabetconsumedabouteightypenstrokesfortheirconstructionaboutthreepenstrokesperletter。
　　ItisTHREETIMESTHENUMBERrequiredbythephonographicalphabet。ItrequiresbutONEstrokeforeachletter。
　　Mywritinggaitiswell，Idon’tknowwhatitis，butI
　　willtimemyselfandsee。Result:itistwentyfourwordsperminute。Idon’tmeancomposing;ImeanCOPYING。Thereisn’tanydefinitecomposinggait。
　　Verywell，mycopyinggaitis1，440wordsperhoursay1，500。IfIcouldusethephonographiccharacterwithfacilityI
　　coulddothe1，500intwentyminutes。Icoulddoninehours’
　　copyinginthreehours;Icoulddothreeyears’copyinginoneyear。Also，ifIhadatypewritingmachinewiththephonographicalphabetonitoh，themiraclesIcoulddo！
　　Iamnotpretendingtowritethatcharacterwell。Ihaveneverhadalesson，andIamcopyingthelettersfromthebook。
　　ButIcanaccomplishmydesire，atanyrate，whichis，tomakethereadergetagoodandclearideaoftheadvantageitwouldbetousifwecoulddiscardourpresentalphabetandputthisbetteroneinitsplaceusingitinbooks，newspapers，withthetypewriter，andwiththepen。
　　[Figure6]MANDOGHORSE。Ithinkitisgracefulandwouldlookcomelyinprint。Andconsideroncemore，Ibegwhatalaborsaveritis！Tenpenstrokeswiththeonesystemtoconveythosethreewordsabove，andthirtythreebytheother！
　　[Figure6]Imean，inSOMEways，notinall。IsupposeImightgosofarastosayinmostways，andbewithinthefacts，butnevermind;letitgoatSOME。OneofthewaysinwhichitexercisesthisbirthrightisasIthinkcontinuingtouseourlaughablealphabettheseseventythreeyearswhiletherewasarationaloneathand，tobehadforthetaking。
　　IthastakenfivehundredyearstosimplifysomeofChaucer’srottenspellingifImaybeallowedtousetofrankatermasthatanditwilltakefivehundredyearsmoretogetourexasperatingnewSimplifiedCorruptionsacceptedandrunningsmoothly。Andwesha’n’tbeanybetteroffthenthanwearenow;
　　forinthatdayweshallstillhavetheprivilegetheSimplifiersareexercisingnow:ANYBODYcanchangethespellingthatwantsto。
　　BUTYOUCAN’TCHANGETHEPHONOGRAPHICSPELLING;THEREISN’T
　　ANYWAY。ItwillalwaysfollowtheSOUND。Ifyouwanttochangethespelling，youhavetochangethesoundfirst。
　　Mind，ImyselfamaSimplifiedSpeller;Ibelongtothatunhappyguildthatispatientlyandhopefullytryingtoreformourdrunkenoldalphabetbyreducinghiswhiskey。Well，itwillimprovehim。WhentheygetthroughandhavereformedhimalltheycanbytheirsystemhewillbeonlyHALFdrunk。Abovethatconditiontheirsystemcanneverlifthim。Thereisnocompetent，andlasting，andrealreformforhimbuttotakeawayhiswhiskeyentirely，andfilluphisjugwithPitman’swholesomeandundiseasedalphabet。
　　OnegreatdrawbacktoSimplifiedSpellingis，thatinprintasimplifiedwordlookssoliketheverynation！andwhenyoubunchawholesquadronoftheSimplifiedtogetherthespectacleisverynearlyunendurable。
　　ThedamaovkoarskumwhenthepublikmabeexpektdtogetrekonsyledtothebezairasspektoftheSimplifiedKombynashuns，butifImaybeallowedtheexpressionisitworththewastedtime？[Figure7]
　　Toseeourlettersputtogetherinwaystowhichwearenotaccustomedoffendstheeye，andalsotakestheEXPRESSIONoutofthewords。
　　Laon，Makduf，anddamdbehehoofurstkryshold，enuf！
　　Itdoesn’tthrillyouasitusedtodo。Thesimplificationshavesuckedthethrillalloutofit。
　　ButawrittencharacterwithwhichweareNOTACQUAINTED
　　doesnotoffendusGreek，Hebrew，Russian，Arabic，andtheotherstheyhaveaninterestinglook，andweseebeautyinthem，too。Andthisistrueofhieroglyphics，aswell。Thereissomethingpleasantandengagingaboutthemathematicalsignswhenwedonotunderstandthem。Themysteryhiddeninthesethingshasafascinationforus:wecan’tcomeacrossaprintedpageofshorthandwithoutbeingimpressedbyitandwishingwecouldreadit。
　　Verywell，whatIamofferingforacceptanceandadoptingisnotshorthand，butlonghand，writtenwiththeSHORTHANDALPHABET
　　UNREACHED。Youcanwritethreetimesasmanywordsinaminutewithitasyoucanwritewithouralphabet。Andso，inaway，itISproperlyashorthand。Ithasapleasantlook，too;abeguilinglook，aninvitinglook。Iwillwritesomethinginit，inmyrudeanduntaughtway:[Figure8]
　　Evenwhen_I_doititcomesoutprettierthanitdoesinSimplifiedSpelling。Yes，andintheSimplifieditcostsonehundredandtwentythreepenstrokestowriteit，whereasinthephonographicitcostsonlytwentynine。
　　[Figure9]isprobably[Figure10]。
　　Letushopeso，anyway。
　　ISSHAKESPEAREDEAD？
　　（fromMyAutobiography）
　　ScatteredhereandtherethroughthestacksofunpublishedmanuscriptwhichconstitutethisformidableAutobiographyandDiaryofmine，certainchapterswillinsomedistantfuturebefoundwhichdealwith"Claimants"claimantshistoricallynotorious:Satan，Claimant;theGoldenCalf，Claimant;theVeiledProphetofKhorassan，Claimant;LouisXVII。，Claimant;
　　WilliamShakespeare，Claimant;ArthurOrton，Claimant;MaryBakerG。Eddy，Claimantandtherestofthem。EminentClaimants，successfulClaimants，defeatedClaimants，royalClaimants，plebClaimants，showyClaimants，shabbyClaimants，reveredClaimants，despisedClaimants，twinklestarlikehereandthereandyonderthroughthemistsofhistoryandlegendandtraditionand，oh，allthedarlingtribeareclothedinmysteryandromance，andwereadaboutthemwithdeepinterestanddiscussthemwithlovingsympathyorwithrancorousresentment，accordingtowhichsidewehitchourselvesto。Ithasalwaysbeensowiththehumanrace。
　　TherewasneveraClaimantthatcouldn’tgetahearing，noronethatcouldn’taccumulatearapturousfollowing，nomatterhowflimsyandapparentlyunauthentichisclaimmightbe。ArthurOrton’sclaimthathewasthelostTichbornebaronetcometolifeagainwasasflimsyasMrs。Eddy’sthatshewroteSCIENCEAND
　　HEALTHfromthedirectdictationoftheDeity;yetinEnglandnearlyfortyyearsagoOrtonhadahugearmyofdevoteesandincorrigibleadherents，manyofwhomremainedstubbornlyunconvincedaftertheirfatgodhadbeenprovenanimpostorandjailedasaperjurer，andtodayMrs。Eddy’sfollowingisnotonlyimmense，butisdailyaugmentinginnumbersandenthusiasm。
　　Ortonhadmanyfineandeducatedmindsamonghisadherents，Mrs。
　　Eddyhashadthelikeamonghersfromthebeginning。HerChurchisaswellequippedinthoseparticularsasisanyotherChurch。
　　Claimantscanalwayscountuponafollowing，itdoesn’tmatterwhotheyare，norwhattheyclaim，norwhethertheycomewithdocumentsorwithout。Itwasalwaysso。Downoutofthelong
　　vanishedpast，acrosstheabyssoftheages，ifyoulisten，youcanstillhearthebelievingmultitudesshoutingforPerkinWarbeckandLambertSimnel。
　　Afriendhassentmeanewbook，fromEnglandTHE
　　SHAKESPEAREPROBLEMRESTATEDwellrestatedandcloselyreasoned;
　　andmyfiftyyears’interestinthatmatterasleepforthelastthreeyearsisexcitedoncemore。ItisaninterestwhichwasbornofDeliaBacon’sbookawaybackintheancientday1857，ormaybe1856。Aboutayearlatermypilotmaster，Bixby，transferredmefromhisownsteamboattothePENNSYLVANIA，andplacedmeundertheordersandinstructionsofGeorgeEalerdeadnow，thesemany，manyyears。Isteeredforhimagoodmanymonthsaswasthehumbledutyofthepilotapprentice:stoodadaylightwatchandspunthewheelundertheseveresuperintendenceandcorrectionofthemaster。HewasaprimechessplayerandanidolaterofShakespeare。Hewouldplaychesswithanybody;evenwithme，anditcosthisofficialdignitysomethingtodothat。AlsoquiteuninvitedhewouldreadShakespearetome;notjustcasually，butbythehour，whenitwashiswatchandIwassteering。Hereadwell，butnotprofitablyforme，becauseheconstantlyinjectedcommandsintothetext。Thatbrokeitallup，mixeditallup，tangleditalluptothatdegree，infact，thatifwewereinariskyanddifficultpieceofriveranignorantpersoncouldn’thavetold，sometimes，whichobservationswereShakespeare’sandwhichwereEaler’s。Forinstance:
　　Whatmandare，_I_dare！
　　ApproachthouWHATareyoulayingintheleadsfor？whatahellofanidea！liketheruggedeaseheroffalittle，easeheroff！ruggedRussianbear，thearmedrhinocerosortheTHEREshegoes！meether，meether！didn’tyouKNOWshe’dsmellthereefifyoucrowdedinlikethat？Hyrcantiger;takeanyshipbutthatandmyfirmnervesshe’llbeintheWOODSthefirstyouknow！
　　stophestarboard！comeaheadstrongonthelarboard！backthestarboard！……NOWthen，you’reallright;comeaheadonthestarboard;straightenupandgo’long，nevertremble:orbealiveagain，anddaremetothedesertDAMNATIONcan’tyoukeepawayfromthatgreasywater？pullherdown！snatchher！snatchherbaldheaded！withthysword;iftremblingIinhabitthen，layintheleads！no，onlywiththestarboardone，leavetheotheralone，protestmethebabyofagirl。Hencehorribleshadow！
　　eightbellsthatwatchman’sasleepagain，Ireckon，godownandcallBrownyourself，unrealmockery，hence！
　　Hecertainlywasagoodreader，andsplendidlythrillingandstormyandtragic，butitwasadamagetome，becauseIhaveneversincebeenabletoreadShakespeareinacalmandsaneway。