Ansellyawned。
"IsawRickietoo。OnceIdinedthere。"
Anotheryawn。
"MycousinthinksMrs。Elliotoneofthemosthorriblewomenhehaseverseen。Hecallsher’MedusainArcady。’She’ssopleasant,too。Butcertainlyitwasaverystonymeal。"
"Whatkindofstoniness"
"Noonestoppedtalkingforamoment。"
"That’stherealkind,"saidAnsellmoodily。"Theonlykind。"
"Well,I,"hecontinued,"aminclinedtocomparehertoanelectriclight。Click!she’son。Click!she’soff。Nowaste。Noflicker。"
"Iwishshe’dfuse。"
"She’llneverfuse——unlessanythingwastohappenatthemain。"
"Whatdoyoumeanbythemain?"saidAnsell,whoalwayspursuedametaphorrelentlessly。
Widdringtondidnotknowwhathemeant,andsuggestedthatAnsellshouldvisitSawstontoseewhetheronecouldknow。
"Itisnogoodmegoing。IshouldnotfindMrs。Elliot:shehasnorealexistence。"
"Rickiehas。"
"Iverymuchdoubtit。IhadtwolettersfromIlfracombelastApril,andIverymuchdoubtthatthemanwhowrotethemcanexist。"Bendingdownwardshebegantoadornthemanuscriptofhisdissertationwithasquare,andinsidethatacircle,andinsidethatanothersquare。Itwashisseconddissertation:thefirsthadfailed。
"Ithinkheexists:heissounhappy。"
Ansellnodded。"Howdidyouknowhewasunhappy?"
"Becausehewasalwaystalking。"Afterapauseheadded,"Whatcleveryoungmenweare!"
"Aren’twe?Iexpectweshallgetaskedinmarriagesoon。Isay,Widdrington,shallwe——?"
"Accept?Ofcourse。Itisnotyoungmanlytosayno。"
"Imeantshallweeverdoamoretremendousthing,——fuseMrs。
Elliot。"
"No,"saidWiddringtonpromptly。"Weshallneverdothatinallourlives。"Headded,"IthinkyoumightgodowntoSawston,though。"
"Ihavealreadyrefusedorignoredthreeinvitations。"
"SoIgathered。"
"What’sthegoodofit?"saidAnsellthroughhisteeth。"1willnotputupwithlittlethings。IwouldratherberudethantolistentotwaddlefromamanI’veknown。
"YoumightgodowntoSawston,justforanight,toseehim。"
"Isawhimlastmonth——atleast,soTilliardinformsme。Hesaysthatweallthreelunchedtogether,thatRickiepaid,andthattheconversationwasmostinteresting。"
"Well,Icontendthathedoesexist,andthatifyougo——oh,I
can’tbecleveranylonger。Youreallymustgo,man。I’mcertainhe’smiserableandlonely。DunwoodHousereeksofcommerceandsnobberyandallthethingshehatedmost。Hedoesn’tdoanything。Hedoesn’tmakeanyfriends。Heissoodd,too。Inthisday—boyrowthathasjuststartedhe’sgoneformycousin。Wouldyoubelieveit?Quitespitefully。ItmadequiteadifficultywhenIwantedtodine。Itisn’tlikehimeitherthesentimentsorthebehaviour。I’msurehe’snothimself。Pembrokeusedtolookaftertheday—boys,andsohecan’tverywelltaketheleadagainstthem,andperhapsRickie’sdoinghisdirtywork——andhasoverdoneit,asdecentpeoplegenerallydo。He’sevenalteringtotalkto。
Yethe’snotbeenmarriedayear。Pembrokeandthatwifesimplyrunhim。Idon’tseewhytheyshould,andnomoredoyou;andthat’swhyIwantyoutogotoSawston,ifonlyforonenight。"
Ansellshookhishead,andlookedupatthedomeasothermenlookatthesky。Initthegreatarclampssputteredandflared,forthemonthwasagainNovember。Thenheloweredhiseyesfromthecoldvioletradiancetothebooks。
"No,Widdrington;no。Wedon’tgotoseepeoplebecausetheyarehappyorunhappy。Wegowhenwecantalktothem。IcannottalktoRickie,thereforeIwillnotwastemytimeatSawston。"
"Ithinkyou’reright,"saidWiddringtonsoftly。"Butwearebloodlessbrutes。Iwonderwhether—Ifweweredifferentpeople——somethingmightbedonetosavehim。Thatisthecurseofbeingalittleintellectual。Youandoursorthavealwaysseentooclearly。Westandaside——andmeanwhileheturnsintostone。
TwophilosophicyouthsrepiningintheBritishMuseum!Whathavewedone?Whatshallweeverdo?Justdriftandcriticize,whilepeoplewhoknowwhattheywantsnatchitawayfromusandlaugh。"
"Perhapsyouarethatsort。I’mnot。WhenthemomentcomesI
shallhitoutlikeanyploughboy。Don’tbelievethoseliesaboutintellectualpeople。They’reonlywrittentosoothethemajority。
Doyousuppose,withtheworldasitis,thatit’saneasymattertokeepquiet?DoyousupposethatIdidn’twanttorescuehimfromthatghastlywoman?Action!Nothing’seasierthanaction;asfoolstestify。ButIwanttoactrightly。"
"Thesuperintendentislookingatus。Imustgetbacktomywork。"
"Youthinkthisallnonsense,"saidAnsell,detaininghim。
"PleaserememberthatifIdoact,youareboundtohelpme。"
Widdringtonlookedalittlegrave。Hewasnoanarchist。AfewplaintivecriesagainstMrs。Elliotwereallthathepreparedtoemit。
"There’snomystery,"continuedAnsell。"Ihaven’ttheshadowofaplaninmyhead。IknownotonlyRickiebutthewholeofhishistory:yourememberthedaynearMadingley。Nothingineitherhelpsme:I’mjustwatching。"
"Butwhatfor?"
"FortheSpiritofLife。"
Widdringtonwassurprised。Itwasaphraseunknowntotheirphilosophy。Theyhadtrespassedintopoetry。
"Youcan’tfightMedusawithanythingelse。IfyouaskmewhattheSpiritofLifeis,ortowhatitisattached,Ican’ttellyou。Ionlytellyou,watchforit。MyselfI’vefounditinbooks。Somepeoplefinditoutofdoorsorineachother。Nevermind。It’sthesamespirit,andItrustmyselftoknowitanywhere,andtouseitrightly。"
Butatthispointthesuperintendentsentamessage。
Widdringtonthensuggestedastrollinthegalleries。Itwasfoggy:theyneededfreshair。Helovedandadmiredhisfriend,buttodayhecouldnotgrasphim。TheworldasAnsellsawitseemedsuchafantasticplace,governedbybrand—newlaws。WhatmorecouldonedothantoseeRickieasoftenaspossible,toinvitehisconfidence,toofferhimspiritualsupport?AndMrs。
Elliot——whatpowercould"fuse"arespectablewoman?
Ansellconsentedtothestroll,but,asusual,onlybreatheddepression。Thecomfortofbooksdesertedhimamongthosemarblegoddessesandgods。Theeyeofanartistfindspleasureintextureandpoise,buthecouldonlythinkofthevanishedincenseanddesertedtemplesbesideanunfurrowedsea。
"Letusgo,"hesaid。"Idonotlikecarvedstones。"
"Youaretooparticular,"saidWiddrington。"Youarealwaysexpectingtomeetlivingpeople。Oneneverdoes。IamcontentwiththeParthenonfrieze。"Andhemovedalongafewyardsofit,whileAnsellfollowed,consciousonlyofitspathos。
"There’sTilliard,"heobserved。"Shallwekillhim?"
"Please,"saidWiddrington,andashespokeTilliardjoinedthem。
Hebroughtthemnews。ThatmorninghehadheardfromRickie:Mrs。
Elliotwasexpectingachild。
"Achild?"saidAnsell,suddenlybewildered。
"Oh,Iforgot,"interposedWiddrington。"Mycousindidtellme。"
"Youforgot!Well,afterall,Iforgotthatitmightbe,Weareindeedyoungmen。"HeleantagainstthepedestalofIlissusandrememberedtheirtalkabouttheSpiritofLife。Inhisignoranceofwhatachildmeanshewonderedwhethertheopportunityhesoughtlayhere。
"Iamveryglad,"saidTilliard,notwithoutintention。"Achildwilldrawthemevenclosertogether。Iliketoseeyoungpeoplewrappedupintheirchild。"
"IsupposeImustbegettingbacktomydissertation,"saidAnsell。HelefttheParthenontopassbythemonumentsofourmorereticentbeliefs——thetempleoftheEphesianArtemis,thestatueoftheCnidianDemeter。Honest,heknewthatherewerepowershecouldnotcopewith,nor,asyet,understand。
XXI
ThemiststhathadgatheredroundRickieseemedtobebreaking。
Hehadfoundlightneitherinworkforwhichhewasunfittednorinawomanwhohadceasedtorespecthim,andwhomhewasceasingtolove。Thoughhecalledhimselffickleandtookalltheblameoftheirmarriageonhisownshoulders,thereremainedinAgnescertainterriblefaultsofheartandhead,andnoself—reproachwoulddiminishthem。Theglamourofwedlockhadfaded;indeed,hesawnowthatithadfadedevenbeforewedlock,andthatduringthefinalmonthshehadshuthiseyesandpretendeditwasstillthere。Butnowthemistswerebreaking。
ThatNovemberthesupremeeventapproached。HesawitwithNature’seyes。Itdawnedonhim,asonAnsell,thatpersonalloveandmarriageonlycoveronesideoftheshield,andthatontheotherisgraventheepicofbirth。Inthemidstoflessonshewouldgrowdreamy,asonewhospiesanewsymbolfortheuniverse,afreshcirclewithinthesquare。Withinthesquareshallbeacircle,withinthecircleanothersquare,untilthevisualeyeisbaffled。Hereismeaningofakind。Hismotherhadforgottenherselfinhim。Hewouldforgethimselfinhisson。
Hewasathisdutieswhenthenewsarrived——takingpreparation。
Boysaremarvellouscreatures。Perhapstheywillsinkbelowthebrutes;perhapstheywillattaintoawoman’stenderness。ThoughtheydespisedRickie,andhadsufferedunderAgnes’smeanness,theironethoughtthistermwastobegentleandtogivenotrouble。
"Rickie——onemoment——"
Hisfacegrewashen。HefollowedHerbertintothepassage,closingthedoorofthepreparationroombehindhim。"Oh,isshesafe?"hewhispered。
"Yes,yes,"saidHerbert;buttheresoundedinhisanswerasombrehostilenote。
"Ourboy?"
"Girl——agirl,dearRickie;alittledaughter。She——sheisinmanywaysahealthychild。Shewilllive——ohyes。"Aflashofhorrorpassedoverhisface。Hehurriedintothepreparationroom,liftedthelidofhisdesk,glancedmechanicallyattheboys,andcameoutagain。
Mrs。Lewinappearedthroughthedoorthatledintotheirownpartofthehouse。
"Bothgoingonwell!"shecried;buthervoicealsowasgrave,exasperated。
"Whatisit?"hegasped。"It’ssomethingyoudaren’ttellme。"
"Onlythis——stutteredHerbert。"Youmustn’tmindwhenyousee——
she’slame。"
Mrs。Lewindisappeared。"Lame!butnotaslameasIam?"
"Oh,mydearboy,worse。Don’t——oh,beamaninthis。Comeawayfromthepreparationroom。Remembershe’lllive——inmanywayshealthy——onlyjustthisonedefect。"
Thehorrorofthatweekneverpassedawayfromhim。Totheendofhislifeherememberedtheexcuses——theconsolationsthatthechildwouldlive;sufferedverylittle,ifatall;wouldwalkwithcrutches;wouldcertainlylive。Godwasmoremerciful。A
windowwasopenedtoowideonadraughtyday——afterashort,painlessillnesshisdaughterdied。ButthelessonhehadlearntsogliblyatCambridgeshouldbeheedednow;nochildshouldeverbeborntohimagain。
XXII
ThatsametermtheretookplaceatDunwoodHouseanotherevent。
Withtheirprivatetragedyitseemedtohavenoconnection;butintimeRickieperceiveditasabittercomment。Itsdevelopmentswereunforeseenandlasting。Itwasperhapsthemostterriblethinghehadtobear。
Vardenhadnowbeenaboarderfortenmonths。Hishealthhadbrokeninthepreviousterm,——partly,itistobefeared,astheresultoftheindifferentfood——andduringthesummerholidayshewasattackedbyaseriesofagonizingearaches。Hismother,afeebleperson,wishedtokeephimathome,butHerbertdissuadedher。SoonafterthedeathofthechildtherearoseatDunwoodHouseoneofthosewavesofhostilityofwhichnoboyknowstheoriginnoranymastercancalculatethecourse。Vardenhadneverbeenpopular——therewasnoreasonwhyheshouldbe——buthehadneverbeenseriouslybulliedhitherto。Oneeveningnearlythewholehousesetonhim。Theprefectsabsentedthemselves,thebiggerboysstoodroundandthelesserboys,towhompowerwasdelegated,flunghimdown,andrubbedhisfaceunderthedesks,andwrenchedathisears。Thenoisepenetratedthebaizedoors,andHerbertsweptthroughandpunishedthewholehouse,includingVarden,whomitwouldnotdotoleaveout。Thepoormanwashorrified。Heapprovedofalittlehealthyroughness,butthiswaspurebrutalization。Whathadcomeoverhisboys?Weretheynotgentlemen’ssons?Hewouldnotadmitthatifyouherdto—
getherhumanbeingsbeforetheycanunderstandeachotherthegreatgodPanisangry,andwillintheendevadeyourregulationsanddrivethemmad。Thatnightthevictimwasscreamingwithpain,andthedoctornextdayspokeofanoperation。Thesuspenselastedawholeweek。Commentwasmadeinthelocalpapers,andthereputationnotonlyofthehousebutoftheschoolwasimperilled。"IfonlyIhadknown,"repeatedHerbert——"ifonlyIhadknownIwouldhavearrangeditalldifferently。Heshouldhavehadacubicle。"Theboydidnotdie,butheleftSawston,nevertoreturn。
ThedaybeforehisdepartureRickiesatwithhimsometime,andtriedtotalkinawaythatwasnotpedantic。Inhisownsorrow,whichhecouldsharewithnoone,leastofallwithhiswife,hewasstillalivetothesorrowsofothers。Hestillfoughtagainstapathy,thoughhewaslosingthebattle。
"Don’tloseheart,"hetoldhim。"Theworldisn’tallgoingtobelikethis。Therearetemptationsandtrials,ofcourse,butnothingatallofthekindyouhavehadhere。"
"Butschoolistheworldinminiature,isitnot,sir?"askedtheboy,hopingtopleaseonemasterbyechoingwhathadbeentoldhimbyanother。Hewasalwaysonthelookoutforsympathy——:itwasoneofthethingsthathadcontributedtohisdownfall。
"Inevernoticedthatmyself。Iwasunhappyatschool,andintheworldpeoplecanbeveryhappy。"
Vardensighedandrolledabouthiseyes。"Arethefellowssorryforwhattheydidtome?"heaskedinanaffectedvoice。"IamsureIforgivethemfromthebottomofmyheart。Weoughttoforgiveourenemies,oughtn’twe,sir?"
"Buttheyaren’tyourenemies。Ifyoumeetinfiveyears’timeyoumayfindeachothersplendidfellows。"
Theboywouldnotadmitthis。Hehadbeenreadingsomerevivalisticliterature。"Weoughttoforgiveourenemies,"herepeated;"andhoweverwickedtheyare,weoughtnottowishthemevil。WhenIwasill,anddeathseemednearest,Ihadmanykindlettersonthissubject。"
Rickieknewaboutthese"manykindletters。"Vardenhadinducedthesillynursetowritetopeople——peopleofallsorts,peoplethathescarcelyknewordidnotknowatall——detailinghismisfortune,andaskingforspiritualaidandsympathy。
"Iamsorryforthem,"hepursued。"Iwouldnotliketobelikethem。"
Rickiesighed。HesawthatayearatDunwoodHousehadproducedasanctimoniousprig。"Don’tthinkaboutthem,Varden。Thinkaboutanythingbeautiful——say,music。Youlikemusic。Behappy。It’syourduty。Youcan’tbegooduntilyou’vehadalittlehappiness。
Thenperhapsyouwillthinklessaboutforgivingpeopleandmoreaboutlovingthem。"
"Ilovethemalready,sir。"AndRickie,indesperation,askedifhemightlookatthemanykindletters。
Permissionwasgladlygiven。Aneatbundlewasproduced,andforabouttwentyminutesthemasterperusedit,whiletheinvalidkeptwatchonhisface。Rookscawedoutintheplaying—fields,andcloseundertilewindowtherewasthesoundofdelightful,good—temperedlaughter。Aboyisnodevil,whateverboysmaybe。
Theletterswerechillyproductions,somewhatclericalintone,bywhomsoeverwritten。Varden,becausehewasillatthetime,hadbeentakenseriously。Thewritersdeclaredthathisillnesswasfulfillingsomemysteriouspurpose:sufferingengenderedspiritualgrowth:hewasshowingsignsofthisalready。Theyconsentedtoprayforhim,somemajestically,othersshyly。Buttheyallconsentedwithoneexception,whowordedhisrefusalasfollows:——
DearA。C。Varden,——
IoughttosaythatIneverrememberseeingyou。Iamsorrythatyouareill,andhopeyouarewrongaboutit。Whydidyounotwritebefore,forIcouldhavehelpedyouthen?Whentheypulledyourear,yououghttohavegonelikethis(herewasaroughsketch)。Icouldnotundertakepraying,butwouldthinkofyouinstead,ifthatwoulddo。Iamtwenty—twoinApril,builtratherheavy,ordinarybroadface,witheyes,etc。Iwriteallthisbecauseyouhavemixedmewithsomeoneelse,forIamnotmarried,anddonotwanttobe。Icannotthinkofyoualways,butwillpromiseaquarterofanhourdaily(say7。00—7。15A。M。),andmightcometoseeyouwhenyouarebetter——thatis,ifyouareakid,andyoureadlikeone。Ihavebeenotter—hunting——
Yourssincerely,StephenWonhamXXIII
RiekiewentstraightfromVardentohiswife,wholayonthesofainherbedroom。Therewasnowawidegulfbetweenthem。She,liketheworldshehadcreatedforhim,wasunreal。
"Agnes,darling,"hebegan,strokingherhand,"suchanawkwardlittlethinghashappened。"
"Whatisit,dear?JustwaittillI’veaddedupthishook。"
Shehadgotoverthetragedy:shegotovereverything。
Whenshewasatleisurehetoldher。HithertotheyhadseldommentionedStephen。Hewasclassedamongtheunprofitabledead。
Shewasmoresympatheticthanheexpected。"DearRickie,"shemurmuredwithavertedeyes。"Howtiresomeforyou。"
"IwishthatVardenhadstoppedwithMrs。Orr。"
"Well,heleavesusforgoodtomorrow。"
"Yes,yes。AndImadehimanswertheletterandapologize。Theyhadnevermet。ItwassomeconfusionwithamanintheChurchArmy,livingataplacecalledCodford。Iaskedthenurse。Itisallexplained。"
"Therethematterends。"
"Isupposeso——ifmatterseverend。"
"If,byill—luck,thepersondoescall。Iwilljustseehimandsaythattheboyhasgone。"
"You,orI。Ihavegotoverallnonsensebythistime。He’sabsolutelynothingtomenow。"Hetookupthetradesman’sbookandplayedwithitidly。Onitscrimsoncoverwasstampedagrotesquesheep。Howstaleandstupidtheirlifehadbecome!
"Don’ttalklikethat,though,"shesaiduneasily。"Thinkhowdisastrousitwouldbeifyoumadeaslipinspeakingtohim。"
"Wouldit?Itwouldhavebeendisastrousonce。ButIexpect,asamatteroffact,thatAuntEmilyhasmadetheslipalready。"
Hiswifewasdispleased。"Youneednottalkinthatcynicalway。
IcreditAuntEmilywithbetterfeeling。WhenIwasthereshedidmentionthematter,butonlyonce。She,andI,andallwhohaveanysenseofdecency,knowbetterthantomakeslips,ortothinkofmakingthem。"
Agneskeptupwhatshecalled"thefamilyconnection。"ShehadbeenoncealonetoCadover,andalsocorrespondedwithMrs。
Failing。ShehadnevertoldRickieanythingabouthervisitnorhadheeveraskedher。But,fromthismoment,thewholesubjectwasreopened。
"Mostcertainlyheknowsnothing,"shecontinued。"Why,hedoesnotevenrealizethatVardenlivesinourhouse!Weareperfectlysafe——unlessAuntEmilyweretodie。Perhapsthen——butweareperfectlysafeforthepresent。"
"Whenshedidmentionthematter,whatdidshesay?"
"Wehadalongtalk,"saidAgnesquietly。"Shetoldmenothingnew——nothingnewaboutthepast,Imean。Butwehadalongtalkaboutthepresent。Ithink"andhervoicegrewdispleasedagain——
"thatyouhavebeenbothwrongandfoolishinrefusingtomakeupyourquarrelwithAuntEmily。"
"Wrongandwise,Ishouldsay。"
"Itisn’ttobeexpectedthatshe——somucholderandsosensitive——canmakethefirststep。ButIknowshe’dhegladtoseeyou。"
"AsfarasIcanrememberthatfinalsceneinthegarden,I
accusedherof’forgettingwhatotherpeoplewerelike。’She’llneverpardonmeforsayingthat。"
Agneswassilent。Toherthephrasewasmeaningless。YetRickiewascorrect:Mrs。Failinghadresenteditmorethananything。
"Atallevents,"shesuggested,"youmightgoandseeher。"
"No,dear。Thankyou,no。"
"Sheis,afterall——"Shewasgoingtosay"yourfather’ssister,"buttheexpressionwasscarcelyahappyone,andsheturneditinto,"Sheis,afterall,growingoldandlonely。"
"Soareweall!"hecried,withalapseoftonethatwasnowcharacteristicinhim。
"Sheoughtn’ttobesoisolatedfromherproperrelatives。
Therewasamoment’ssilence。Stillplayingwiththebook,heremarked,"Youforget,she’sgotherfavouritenephew。"
Abrightredflushspreadoverhercheeks。"Whatisthematterwithyouthisafternoon?"sheasked。"Ishouldthinkyou’dbettergoforawalk。"
"BeforeIgo,tellmewhatisthematterwithyou。"Healsoflushed。"Whydoyouwantmetomakeitupwithmyaunt?"
"Becauseit’srightandproper。"
"So?Orbecausesheisold?"
"Idon’tunderstand,"sheretorted。Buthereyesdropped。Hissuddensuspicionwastrue:shewaslegacyhunting。
"Agnes,dearAgnes,"hebeganwithpassingtenderness,"howcanyouthinkofsuchthings?Youbehavelikeapoorperson。Wedon’twantanymoneyfromAuntEmily,orfromanyoneelse。Itisn’tvirtuethatmakesmesayit:wearenottemptedinthatway:wehaveasmuchaswewantalready。"
"Forthepresent,"sheanswered,stilllookingaside。
"Thereisn’tanyfuture,"hecriedinagustofdespair。
"Rickie,whatdoyoumean?"
Whatdidhemean?Hemeantthattherelationsbetweenthemwerefixed——thattherewouldneverbeaninfluxofinterest,norevenofpassion。Totheendoflifetheywouldgoonbeatingtime,andthiswasenoughforher。Shewascontentwiththedailyround,thecommontask,performedindifferently。Buthehaddreamtofanotherhelpmate,andofotherthings。
"Wedon’twantmoney——why,wedon’tevenspendanyontravelling。
I’veinvestedallmysalaryandmore。Asfarashumanforesightgoes,weshallneverwantmoney。"Andhisthoughtswentouttothetinygrave。"Youspokeof’rightandproper,’buttherightandproperthingformyaunttodoistoleaveeverypennyshe’sgottoStephen。"
Herlipquivered,andforonemomenthethoughtthatshewasgoingtocry。"WhatamItodowithyou?"shesaid。"Youtalklikeapersoninpoetry。"
"I’llputitinprose。He’slivedwithherfortwentyyears,andheoughttobepaidforit。"
PoorAgnes!Indeed,whatwasshetodo?ThefirstmomentshesetfootinCadovershehadthought,"Oh,hereismoney。Wemusttryandgetit。"Beingalady,shenevermentionedthethoughttoherhusband,butsheconcludedthatitwouldoccurtohimtoo。Andnow,thoughithadoccurredtohimatlast,hewouldnotevenwritehisauntalittlenote。
Hewastotryheryetfurther。Whiletheyarguedthispointheflashedoutwith,"Ioughttohavetoldhimthatdaywhenhecalleduptoourroom。There’swhereIwentwrongfirst。"
"Rickie!"
"InthosedaysIwassentimental。Iminded。FortwopinsI’dwritetohimthisafternoon。Whyshouldn’theknowhe’smybrother?What’sallthisridiculousmystery?"
Shebecameincoherent。
"ButWHYnot?Areasonwhyheshouldn’tknow。"
"AreasonwhyheSHOULDknow,"sheretorted。"Ineverheardsuchrubbish!Givemeareasonwhyheshouldknow。"
"Becausethelieweactedhasruinedourlives。"
Shelookedinbewildermentatthewell—appointedroom。
"It’sbeenlikeapoisonwewon’tacknowledge。Howmanytimeshaveyouthoughtofmybrother?I’vethoughtofhimeveryday——
notinlove;don’tmisunderstand;onlyasamedicineIshirked。
Downinwhattheycallthesubconsciousselfhehasbeenhurtingme。"Hisvoicebroke。"Oh,mydarling,weactedaliethen,andthisletterremindsusofitandgivesusonemorechance。Ihavetosay’we’lied。IshouldbelyingagainifItookquitealltheblame。LetusaskGod’sforgivenesstogether。Thenletuswrite,ascoldlyasyouplease,toStephen,andtellhimheismyfather’sson。"
Herreplyneednotbequoted。Itwasthelasttimeheattemptedintimacy。Andtheremainderoftheirconversation,thoughlongandstormy,isalsobestforgotten。
ThusthefirsteffectofVarden’sletterwastomakethemquarrel。Theyhadnotopenlydisagreedbefore。Intheeveninghekissedherandsaid,"HowabsurdIwastogetangryaboutthingsthathappenedlastyear。Iwillcertainlynotwritetotheperson。"Shereturnedthekiss。Butheknewthattheyhaddestroyedthehabitofreverence,andwouldquarrelagain。
OnhisroundshelookedinatVardenandaskednonchalantlyfortheletter。Hecarrieditofftohisroom。Itwasunwiseofhim,forhisnerveswerealreadyunstrung,andthemanhehadtriedtoburywasstirringominously。Inthesilenceheexaminedthehandwritingtillhefeltthatalivingcreaturewaswithhim,whereashe,becausehischildhaddied,wasdead。HeperceivedmoreclearlythecrueltyofNature,towhomourrefinementandpietyarebutasbubbles,hurryingdownwardsontheturbidwaters。Theybreak,andthestreamcontinues。Hisfather,asafinalinsult,hadbroughtintotheworldamanunlikealltherestofthem,amandoweredwithcoarsekindlinessandrusticstrength,akindofcynicalploughboy,againstwhomtheirownmiseryandweaknessmightstandmorevividlyrelieved。"BornanElliot——bornagentleman。"Sothevilephraseran。ButherewasanElliotwhosebadnesswasnotevengentlemanly。ForthatStephenwasbadinherentlyheneverdoubtedforamomentandhewouldhavechildren:he,notRickie,wouldcontributetothestream;he,throughhisremoteposterity,mightmingledwiththeunknownsea。
第14章