STRAMMFEST。Whydon’tyoulaugh？Don’tyouappreciateHerImperialHighness’sjoke？
　　SCHNEIDEKIND[suddenlybecomingsolemn]。Idon’twantto，sir。
　　STRAMMFEST。Laughatonce，sir。Iorderyoutolaugh。
　　SCHNEIDEKIND[withatouchoftemper]。Ireallycan’t，sir。[Hesitsdowndecisively。]
　　STRAMMFEST[growlingathim]。Yah！[HeturnsimpressivelytotheGrandDuchess。]YourImperialHighnessdesiresmetoaddressyouascomrade？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[risingandwavingaredhandkerchief]。LonglivetheRevolution，comrade！
　　STRAMMFEST[risingandsaluting]。Proletariansofalllands，unite。LieutenantSchneidekind，youwillriseandsingtheMarseillaise。
　　SCHNEIDEKIND[rising]。ButIcannot，sir。Ihavenovoice，noear。
　　STRAMMFEST。Thensitdown;andburyyourshameinyourtypewriter。[Schneidekindsitsdown。]ComradeAnnajanska，youhaveelopedwithayoungofficer。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[astounded]。GeneralStrammfest，youlie。
　　STRAMMFEST。Denial，comrade，isuseless。Itisthroughthatofficerthatyourmovementshavebeentraced。[TheGrandDuchessissuddenlyenlightened，andseemsamused。Strammfestcontinuesanaforensicmanner。]HejoinedyouattheGoldenAnchorinHakonsburg。Yougaveustheslipthere;buttheofficerwastracedtoPotterdam，whereyourejoinedhimandwentalonetoPremsylople。Whathaveyoudonewiththatunhappyyoungman？
　　Whereishe？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[pretendingtowhisperanimportantsecret]。
　　Wherehehasalwaysbeen。
　　STRAMMFEST[eagerly]。Whereisthat？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[impetuously]。Inyourimagination。Icamealone。Iamalone。HundredsofofficerstraveleverydayfromHakonsburgtoPotterdam。WhatdoIknowaboutthem？
　　STRAMMFEST。Theytravelinkhaki。Theydonottravelinfulldresscourtuniformasthismandid。
　　SCHNEIDEKIND。Onlyofficerswhoareelopingwithgrandduchesseswearcourtuniform:otherwisethegrandduchessescouldnotbeseenwiththem。
　　STRAMMFEST。Holdyourtongue。[Schneidekind，inhighdudgeon，foldshisarmsandretiresfromtheconversation。TheGeneralreturnstohispaperandtohisexaminationoftheGrandDuchess。]Thisofficertravelledwithyourpassport。Whathaveyoutosaytothat？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Bosh！Howcouldamantravelwithawoman’spassport？
　　STRAMMFEST。Itisquitesimple，asyouverywellknow。Adozentravellersarriveattheboundary。Theofficialcollectstheirpassports。Hecountstwelvepersons;thencountsthepassports。
　　Iftherearetwelve，heissatisfied。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Thenhowdoyouknowthatoneofthepassportswasmine？
　　STRAMMFEST。AwaiteratthePotterdamHotellookedattheofficer’spassportwhenhewasinhisbath。Itwasyourpassport。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Stuff！Whydidhenothavemearrested？
　　STRAMMFEST。Whenthewaiterreturnedtothehotelwiththepolicetheofficerhadvanished;andyouweretherewithyourownpassport。Theyknoutedhim。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh！Strammfest，sendthesemenaway。Imustspeaktoyoualone。
　　STRAMMFEST[risinginhorror]。No:thisisthelaststraw:I
　　cannotconsent。Itisimpossible，utterly，eternallyimpossible，thatadaughteroftheImperialHouseshouldspeaktoanyonealone，wereitevenherownhusband。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Youforgetthatthereisanexception。Shemayspeaktoachildalone。[Sherises。]Strammfest，youhavebeendandledonmygrandmother’sknee。BythatgraciousactionthedowagerPanjandrinamadeyouachildforever。SodidNature，bytheway。Iorderyoutospeaktomealone。Doyouhear？Iorderyou。Forsevenhundredyearsnomemberofyourfamilyhaseverdisobeyedanorderfromamemberofmine。Willyoudisobeyme？
　　STRAMMFEST。Thereisanalternativetoobedience。Thedeadcannotdisobey。[Hetakesouthispistolandplacesthemuzzleagainsthistemple。]
　　SCHNEIDEKIND[snatchingthepistolfromhim]。ForGod’ssake，General——
　　STRAMMFEST[attackinghimfuriouslytorecovertheweapon]。Dogofasubaltern，restorethatpistolandmyhonor。
　　SCHNEIDEKIND[reachingoutwiththepistoltotheGrandDuchess]。
　　Takeit:quick:heisasstrongasabull。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[snatchingit]。Aha！Leavetheroom，allofyouexcepttheGeneral。Atthedouble！lightning！electricity！[Shefiresshotaftershot，spatteringthebulletsabouttheanklesofthesoldiers。Theyflyprecipitately。SheturnstoSchneidekind，whohasbythistimebeenflungonthefloorbytheGeneral。]Youtoo。[Hescramblesup。]March。[Hefliestothedoor。]
　　SCHNEIDEKIND[turningatthedoor]。Foryourownsake，comrade——
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[indignantly]。Comrade！You！！！Go。[Shefirestwomoreshots。Hevanishes。]
　　STRAMMFEST[makinganimpulsivemovementtowardsher]。MyImperialMistress——
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Stop。Ihaveonebulletleft，ifyouattempttotakethisfromme[puttingthepistoltohertemple]。
　　STRAMMFEST[recoiling，andcoveringhiseyeswithhishands]。Nono:putitdown:putitdown。Ipromiseeverything:Iswearanything;butputitdown，Iimploreyou。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[throwingitonthetable]。There！
　　STRAMMFEST[uncoveringhiseyes]。ThankGod！
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[gently]。Strammfest:Iamyourcomrade。AmI
　　nothingmoretoyou？
　　STRAMMFEST[fallingonhisknee]。Youare，Godhelpme，allthatislefttomeoftheonlypowerIrecognizeonearth[hekissesherhand]。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS[indulgently]。Idolater！Whenwillyoulearnthatourstrengthhasneverbeeninourselves，butinyourillusionsaboutus？[Sheshakesoffherkindliness，andsitsdowninhischair。]Nowtellme，whatareyourorders？Anddoyoumeantoobeythem？
　　STRAMMFEST[startinglikeagoadedox，andblunderingfretfullyabouttheroom]。HowcanIobeysixdifferentdictators，andnotonegentlemanamongthelotofthem？Oneofthemordersmetomakepeacewiththeforeignenemy。Anotherordersmetoofferalltheneutralcountries48hourstochoosebetweenadoptinghisviewsonthesingletaxandbeinginstantlyinvadedandannihilated。AthirdordersmetogotoadamnedSocialistConferenceandexplainthatBeotiawillallownoannexationsandnoindemnities，andmerelywishestoestablishtheKingdomofHeavenonEarththroughouttheuniverse。[HefinishesbehindSchneidekind’schair。]
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Damntheirtrifling！
　　STRAMMFEST。IthankYourImperialHighnessfromthebottomofmyheartforthatexpression。Europethanksyou。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。M’yes;but——[rising]。Strammfest，youknowthatyourcause——thecauseofthedynasty——islost。
　　STRAMMFEST。Youmustnotsayso。Itistreason，evenfromyou。
　　[Hesinks，discouraged，intothechair，andcovershisfacewithhishand。]
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Donotdeceiveyourself，General:neveragainwillaPanjandrumreigninBeotia。[Shewalksslowlyacrosstheroom，broodingbitterly，andthinkingaloud。]Wearesodecayed，sooutofdate，sofeeble，sowickedinourowndespite，thatwehavecomeatlasttowillourowndestruction。
　　STRAMMFEST。Youareutteringblasphemy。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Allgreattruthsbeginasblasphemies。Alltheking’shorsesandalltheking’smencannotsetupmyfather’sthroneagain。Iftheycould，youwouldhavedoneit，wouldyounot？
　　STRAMMFEST。GodknowsIwould！
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Youreallymeanthat？Youwouldkeepthepeopleintheirhopelesssqualidmisery？youwouldfillthoseinfamousprisonsagainwiththenoblestspiritsintheland？youwouldthrusttherisingsunoflibertybackintotheseaofbloodfromwhichithasrisen？Andallbecausetherewasinthemiddleofthedirtanduglinessandhorroralittlepatchofcourtsplendorinwhichyoucouldstandwithafewordersonyouruniform，andyawndayafterdayandnightafternightinunspeakableboredomuntilyourgraveyawnedwiderstill，andyoufellintoitbecauseyouhadnothingbettertodo。Howcanyoubesostupid，soheartless？
　　STRAMMFEST。Youmustbemadtothinkofroyaltyinsuchaway。I
　　neveryawnedatcourt。Thedogsyawned;butthatwasbecausetheyweredogs:theyhadnoimagination，noideals，nosenseofhonoranddignitytosustainthem。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。MypoorStrammfest:youwerenotoftenenoughatcourttotireofit。Youweremostlysoldiering;andwhenyoucamehometohaveaneworderpinnedonyourbreast，yourhappinesscamethroughlookingatmyfatherandmotherandatme，andadoringus。Wasthatnotso？
　　STRAMMFEST。DoYOUreproachmewithit？Iamnotashamedofit。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，itwasallverywellforyou，Strammfest。
　　Butthinkofme，ofme！standingthereforyoutogapeat，andknowingthatIwasnogoddess，butonlyagirllikeanyothergirl！Itwascrueltytoanimals:youcouldhavestuckupawaxdolloragoldencalftoworship;itwouldnothavebeenbored。
　　STRAMMFEST。Stop;orIshallrenouncemyallegiancetoyou。I
　　havehadwomenfloggedforsuchseditiouschatterasthis。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Donotprovokemetosendabulletthroughyourheadforremindingmeofit。
　　STRAMMFEST。Youalwayshadlowtastes。YouarenotruedaughterofthePanjandrums:youareachangeling，thrustintothePanjandrina’sbedbysomeprofligatenurse。Ihaveheardstoriesofyourchildhood:ofhow——
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Ha，ha！Yes:theytookmetothecircuswhenI
　　wasachild。Itwasmyfirstmomentofhappiness，myfirstglimpseofheaven。Iranawayandjoinedthetroupe。Theycaughtmeanddraggedmebacktomygildedcage;butIhadtastedfreedom;andtheynevercouldmakemeforgetit。
　　STRAMMFEST。Freedom！Tobetheslaveofanacrobat！tobeexhibitedtothepublic！to——
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，Iwastrainedtothat。Ihadlearntthatpartofthebusinessatcourt。
　　STRAMMFEST。Youhadnotbeentaughttostripyourselfhalfnakedandturnheadoverheels——
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Man，IWANTEDtogetridofmyswaddlingclothesandturnheadoverheels。Iwantedto，Iwantedto，I
　　wantedto。Icandoitstill。ShallIdoitnow？
　　STRAMMFEST。Ifyoudo，IswearIwillthrowmyselffromthewindowsothatImaymeetyourparentsinheavenwithouthavingmymedalstornfrommybreastbythem。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，youareincorrigible。Youaremad，infatuated。Youwillnotbelievethatweroyaldivinitiesaremerecommonfleshandbloodevenwhenwestepdownfromourpedestalsandtellyouourselveswhatafoolyouare。Iwillarguenomorewithyou:Iwillusemypower。Atawordfrommeyourmenwillturnagainstyou:alreadyhalfofthemdonotsaluteyou;andyoudarenotpunishthem:youhavetopretendnottonoticeit。
　　STRAMMFEST。Itisnotforyoutotauntmewiththatifitisso。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。[haughtily]。Taunt！Icondescendtotaunt！TotauntacommonGeneral！Youforgetyourself，sir。
　　STRAMMFEST[droppingonhiskneesubmissively]。Nowatlastyouspeaklikeyourroyalself。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，Strammfest，Strammfest，theyhavedrivenyourslaveryintoyourverybones。Whydidyounotspitinmyface？。
　　STRAMMFEST[risingwithashudder]。Godforbid！
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Well，sinceyouwillbemyslave，takeyourordersfromme。Ihavenotcomeheretosaveourwretchedfamilyandourbloodstainedcrown。IamcometosavetheRevolution。
　　STRAMMFEST。StupidasIam，IhavecometothinkthatIhadbettersavethatthansavenothing。ButwhatwilltheRevolutiondoforthepeople？Donotbedeceivedbythefinespeechesoftherevolutionaryleadersandthepamphletsoftherevolutionarywriters。Howmuchlibertyistherewheretheyhavegainedtheupperhand？Aretheynothanging，shooting，imprisoningasmuchaseverwedid？Dotheyevertellthepeoplethetruth？No:ifthetruthdoesnotsuitthemtheyspreadliesinstead，andmakeitacrimetotellthetruth。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Ofcoursetheydo。Whyshouldtheynot？
　　STRAMMFEST[hardlyabletobelievehisears]。Whyshouldtheynot？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Yes:whyshouldtheynot？Wedidit。Youdidit，whipinhand:youfloggedwomenforteachingchildrentoread。
　　STRAMMFEST。Toreadsedition。ToreadKarlMarx。
　　THPGRANDDUCHESS。Pshaw！HowcouldtheylearntoreadtheBiblewithoutlearningtoreadKarlMarx？Whydoyounotstandtoyourgunsandjustifywhatyoudid，insteadofmakingsillyexcuses？
　　DoyousupposeIthinkfloggingawomanworsethanfloggingaman？I，whoamawomanmyself！
　　STRAMMFEST。IamatalosstounderstandyourImperialHighness。
　　Youseemtometocontradictyourself。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Nonsense！Isaythatifthepeoplecannotgovernthemselves，theymustbegovernedbysomebody。Iftheywillnotdotheirdutywithoutbeinghalfforcedandhalfhumbugged，somebodymustforcethemandhumbugthem。Someenergeticandcapableminoritymustalwaysbeinpower。Well，I
　　amonthesideoftheenergeticminoritywhoseprinciplesIagreewith。TheRevolutionisascruelaswewere;butitsaimsaremyaims。ThereforeIstandfortheRevolution。
　　STRAMMFEST。Youdonotknowwhatyouaresaying。ThisispureBolshevism。Areyou，thedaughterofaPanjandrum，aBolshevist？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Iamanythingthatwillmaketheworldlesslikeaprisonandmorelikeacircus。
　　STRAMMFEST。Ah！Youstillwanttobeacircusstar。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Yes，andbebilledastheBolshevikEmpress。
　　Nothingshallstopme。Youhaveyourorders，GeneralStrammfest:
　　savetheRevolution。
　　STRAMMFEST。WhatRevolution？WhichRevolution？NotwoofyourrabbleofrevolutionistsmeanthesamethingbytheRevolutionWhatcansaveamobinwhicheverymanisrushinginadifferentdirection？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Iwilltellyou。Thewarcansaveit。
　　STRAMMFEST。Thewar？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Yes，thewar。Onlyagreatcommondangerandagreatcommondutycanuniteusandweldthesewranglingfactionsintoasolidcommonwealth。
　　STRAMMFEST。Bravo！Warsetseverythingright:Ihavealwayssaidso。Butwhatisaunitedpeoplewithoutaunitedarmy？AndwhatcanIdo？Iamonlyasoldier。Icannotmakespeeches:Ihavewonnovictories:theywillnotrallytomycall[againhesinksintohischairwithhisformergestureofdiscouragement]。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Areyousuretheywillnotrallytomine？
　　STRAMMFEST。Oh，ifonlyyouwereamanandasoldier！
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。SupposeIfindyouamanandasoldier？
　　STRAMMFEST[risinginafury]。Ah！thescoundrelyouelopedwith！
　　Youthinkyouwillshovethisfellowintoanarmycommand，overmyhead。Never。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Youpromisedeverything。Yousworeanything。
　　[Shemarchesasifinfrontofaregiment。]Iknowthatthismanalonecanrousethearmytoenthusiasm。
　　STRAMMFEST。Delusion！Folly！Heissomecircusacrobat;andyouareinlovewithhim。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。IswearIamnotinlovewithhim。IswearI
　　willnevermarryhim。
　　STRAMMFEST。Thenwhoishe？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Anybodyintheworldbutyouwouldhaveguessedlongago。Heisunderyourveryeyes。
　　STRAMMFEST[staringpastherrightandleft]。Where？
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Lookoutofthewindow。
　　Herushestothewindow，lookingfortheofficer。TheGrandDuchesstakesoffhercloakandappearsintheuniformofthePanderobajenskyHussars。
　　STRAMMFEST[peeringthroughthewindow]。Whereishe？Icanseenoone。
　　THEGRANDDUCHESS。Here，silly。
　　STRAMMFEST[turning]。You！GreatHeavens！TheBolshevikEmpress！