Whenthatfearlessandforgetfulchairmanisfoundtherewillbeanotherstorytold。AtthePressClubrecentlyIthoughtthatIhadfoundhim。HestartedininthewaythatIknewIshouldbepaintedwithallsincerity,andwasleadingtothingsthatwouldnotbetomycredit;butwhenhesaidthatheneverreadabookofmineIknewatoncethathewasaliar,becausehenevercouldhavehadallthewitandintelligencewithwhichhewasblessedunlesshehadreadmyworksasabasis。
　　Ilikecompliments。Iliketogohomeandtellthemalloveragaintothemembersofmyfamily。Theydon'tbelievethem,butIliketotelltheminthehomecircle,allthesame。IliketodreamofthemifIcan。
　　Ithankeverybodyfortheircompliments,butIdon'tthinkthatIampraisedanymorethanIamentitledtobe。
　　READING—ROOMOPENING。
　　OnOctober13,1900。Mr。ClemensmadehislastaddressprecedinghisdepartureforAmericaatKensalRise,London。
　　IFORMALLYdeclarethisreading—roomopen,andIthinkthatthelegislatureshouldnotcompelacommunitytoprovideitselfwithintelligentfood,butgiveittheprivilegeofprovidingitifthecommunitysodesires。
　　Ifthecommunityisanxioustohaveareading—roomitwouldputitshandinitspocketandbringoutthepennytax。Ithinkitaproofofthehealthy,moral,financial,andmentalconditionofthecommunityifittaxesitselfforitsmentalfood。
　　Areading—roomistheproperintroductiontoalibrary,leadingupthroughthenewspapersandmagazinestootherliterature。Whatwouldwedowithoutnewspapers？
　　LookattherapidmannerinwhichthenewsoftheGalvestondisasterwasmadeknowntotheentireworld。ThisremindsmeofanepisodewhichoccurredfifteenyearsagowhenIwasatchurchinHartford,Connecticut。
　　Theclergymandecidedtomakeacollectionforthesurvivors,ifany。Hedidnotincludemeamongtheleadingcitizenswhotooktheplatesaroundforcollection。Icomplainedtothegovernorofhislackoffinancialtrustinme,andhereplied:"Iwouldtrustyoumyself—
　　ifyouhadabell—punch。"
　　Youhavepaidmemanycompliments,andIliketolistentocompliments。IindorseallyourchairmanhassaidtoyouabouttheunionofEnglandandAmerica。Healsoalludedtomyname,ofwhichI
　　amratherfond。
　　AlittlegirlwrotemefromNewZealandinaletterIreceivedyesterday,statingthatherfathersaidmypropernamewasnotMarkTwainbutSamuelClemens,butthatsheknewbetter,becauseClemenswasthenameofthemanwhosoldthepatentmedicine,andhisnamewasnotMark。ShewassureitwasMarkTwain,becauseMarkisintheBibleandTwainisintheBible。
　　Iwasverygladtogetthatexpressionofconfidenceinmyorigin,andasInowknowmynametobeascripturalone,Iamnotwithouthopesofmakingitworthy。
　　LITERATURE
　　LITERATURE。
　　ADDRESSATTHEROYALLITERARYFUNDBANQUET,LONDON,MAY4,1900。
　　AnthonyHopeintroducedMr。Clemenstomaketheresponsetothetoast"Literature。"
　　MR。HOPEhasbeenabletodealadequatelywiththistoastwithoutassistancefromme。Still,Iwasborngenerous。IfhehadadvancedanytheoriesthatneededrefutationorcorrectionIwouldhaveattendedtothem,andifhehadmadeanystatementsstrongerthanthosewhichheisinthehabitofmakingIwouldhavedealtwiththem。
　　Infact,Iwassurprisedatthemildnessofhisstatements。I
　　couldnothavemadesuchstatementsifIhadpreferredto,becausetoexaggerateistheonlywayIcanapproximatetothetruth。Youcannothaveatheorywithoutprinciples。Principlesisanothernameforprejudices。Ihavenoprejudicesinpolitics,religion,literature,oranythingelse。
　　Iamnowonmywaytomyowncountrytorunforthepresidencybecausetherearenotyetenoughcandidatesinthefield,andthosewhohaveenteredaretoomuchhamperedbytheirownprinciples,whichareprejudices。
　　Iproposetogotheretopurifythepoliticalatmosphere。Iaminfavorofeverythingeverybodyisinfavorof。Whatyoushoulddoistosatisfythewholenation,nothalfofit,forthenyouwouldonlybehalfaPresident。
　　Therecouldnotbeabroaderplatformthanmine。Iaminfavorofanythingandeverything—oftemperanceandintemperance,moralityandqualifiedimmorality,goldstandardandfreesilver。
　　Ihavetriedallsortsofthings,andthatiswhyIwanttotrythegreatpositionofrulerofacountry。Ihavebeeninturnreporter,editor,publisher,author,lawyer,burglar。Ihaveworkedmywayup,andwishtocontinuetodoso。
　　Ireadto—dayinamagazinearticlethatChristendomissuedlastyearfifty—fivethousandnewbooks。Considerwhatthatmeans！
　　Fifty—fivethousandnewbooksmeantfifty—fourthousandnewauthors。
　　Wearegoingtohavethemallonourhandstotakecareofsoonerorlater。Therefore,doubleyoursubscriptionstotheliteraryfund！
　　DISAPPEARANCEOFLITERATURE。
　　ADDRESSATTHEDINNEROFTHENINETEENTHCENTURYCLUB,ATSHERRY'S,NEWYORK,NOVEMBER20,1900。
　　Mr。Clemensspoketothetoast"TheDisappearanceofLiterature。"
　　DoctorGouldpresided,andinintroducingMr。Clemenssaidthathe（thespeaker）,wheninGermany,hadtodoalotofapologizingforacertainliterarymanwhowastakingwhattheGermansthoughtunduelibertieswiththeirlanguage。
　　ITwasn'tnecessaryforyourchairmantoapologizeformeinGermany。Itwasn'tnecessaryatall。InsteadofthatheoughttohaveimpresseduponthosepoorbenightedTeutonstheserviceI
　　renderedthem。Theirlanguagehadneededuntanglingforagoodmanyyears。Nobodyelseseemedtowanttotakethejob,andsoItookit,andIflattermyselfthatImadeaprettygoodjobofit。TheGermanshaveaninhumanwayofcuttinguptheirverbs。Nowaverbhasahardtimeenoughofitinthisworldwhenit'salltogether。
　　It'sdownrightinhumantosplititup。Butthat'sjustwhatthoseGermansdo。Theytakepartofaverbandputitdownhere,likeastake,andtheytaketheotherpartofitandputitawayoveryonderlikeanotherstake,andbetweenthesetwolimitstheyjustshovelinGerman。Imaintainthatthereisnonecessityforapologizingforamanwhohelpedinasmallwaytostopsuchmutilation。
　　Wehaveheardadiscussionto—nightonthedisappearanceofliterature。That'snonewthing。That'swhatcertainkindsofliteraturehavebeendoingforseveralyears。Thefactis,myfriends,thatthefashioninliteraturechanges,andtheliterarytailorshavetochangetheircutsorgooutofbusiness。ProfessorWinchesterhere,ifIrememberfairlycorrectlywhathesaid,remarkedthatfew,ifany,ofthenovelsproducedto—daywouldliveaslongasthenovelsofWalterScott。Thatmaybehisnotion。Maybeheisright;butsofarasIamconcerned,Idon'tcareiftheydon't。
　　ProfessorWinchesteralsosaidsomethingabouttherebeingnomodernepicslikeParadiseLost。Iguesshe'sright。Hetalkedasifhewasprettyfamiliarwiththatpieceofliterarywork,andnobodywouldsupposethatheneverhadreadit。Idon'tbelieveanyofyouhaveeverreadParadiseLost,andyoudon'twantto。That'ssomethingthatyoujustwanttotakeontrust。It'saclassic,justasProfessorWinchestersays,anditmeetshisdefinitionofaclassic—somethingthateverybodywantstohavereadandnobodywantstoread。
　　ProfessorTrentalsohadagooddealtosayaboutthedisappearanceofliterature。HesaidthatScottwouldoutliveallhiscritics。Iguessthat'strue。Thefactofthebusinessis,you'vegottobeoneoftwoagestoappreciateScott。Whenyou'reeighteenyoucanreadIvanhoe,andyouwanttowaituntilyouareninetytoreadsomeoftherest。Ittakesaprettywell—regulated,abstemiouscritictoliveninetyyears。
　　Butasmuchasthesetwogentlemenhavetalkedaboutthedisappearanceofliterature,theydidn'tsayanythingaboutmybooks。Maybetheythinkthey'vedisappeared。Iftheydo,thatjustshowstheirignoranceonthegeneralsubjectofliterature。IamnotasyoungasIwasseveralyearsago,andmaybeI'mnotsofashionable,butI'dbewillingtotakemychanceswithMr。Scottto—morrowmorninginsellingapieceofliteraturetotheCenturyPublishingCompany。
　　AndIhaven'tgotmuchofapullhere,either。IoftenthinkthatthehighestcomplimenteverpaidtomypooreffortswaspaidbyDarwinthroughPresidentEliot,ofHarvardCollege。Atleast,Eliotsaiditwasacompliment,andIalwaystaketheopinionofgreatmenlikecollegepresidentsonallsuchsubjectsasthat。
　　IwentouttoCambridgeonedayafewyearsagoandcalledonPresidentEliot。InthecourseoftheconversationhesaidthathehadjustreturnedfromEngland,andthathewasverymuchtouchedbywhatheconsideredthehighcomplimentDarwinwaspayingtomybooks,andhewentontotellmesomethinglikethis:
　　"DoyouknowthatthereisoneroominDarwin'shouse,hisbedroom,wherethehousemaidisneverallowedtotouchtwothings？Oneisaplantheisgrowingandstudyingwhileitgrows"（itwasoneofthoseinsect—devouringplantswhichconsumedbugsandbeetlesandthingsfortheparticulardelectationofMr。Darwin）"andtheothersomebooksthatlieonthenighttableattheheadofhisbed。Theyareyourbooks,Mr。Clemens,andMr。Darwinreadsthemeverynighttolullhimtosleep。"
　　Myfriends,Ithoroughlyappreciatedthatcompliment,andconsidereditthehighestonethatwaseverpaidtome。TobethemeansofsoothingtosleepabrainteemingwithbugsandsquirmingthingslikeDarwin'swassomethingthatIhadneverhopedfor,andnowthatheisdeadIneverhopetobeabletodoitagain。
　　THENEWYORKPRESSCLUBDINNER。
　　ATTHEANNUALDINNER,NOVEMBER13,1900。
　　Col。WilliamL。Brown,theformereditoroftheDailyNews,aspresidentoftheclub,introducedMr。ClemensastheprincipalornamentofAmericanliterature。
　　IMUSTsaythatIhavealreadybeguntoregretthatIleftmygunathome。I'vesaidsomanytimeswhenachairmanhasdistressedmewithjustsuchcomplimentsthatthenexttimesuchathingoccursIwillcertainlyuseagunonthatchairman。Itismyprivilegetocomplimenthiminreturn。Youbeholdbeforeyouavery,veryoldman。Acursoryglanceathimwoulddeceivethemostpenetrating。Hisfeaturesseemtorevealapersondeadtoallhonorableinstincts—theyseemtobearthetracesofalltheknowncrimes,insteadofthemarksofalifespentforthemostpart,andnowaltogether,intheSunday—school—ofalifethatmaywellstandasanexampletoallgenerationsthathaverisenorwillriz—Imeantosay,willrise。Hisprivatecharacterisaltogethersuggestiveofvirtueswhichtoallappearanceshehasnot。Ifyouexaminehispasthistoryyouwillfinditasdeceptiveashisfeatures,becauseitismarkedalloverwithwaywardnessandmisdemeanor—mereeffectsofagreatspirituponaweakbody—mereaccidentsofagreatcareer。Inhishearthecherisheseveryvirtueonthelistofvirtues,andhepractisesthemall—secretly—alwayssecretly。Youallknowhimsowellthatthereisnoneedforhimtobeintroducedhere。Gentlemen,ColonelBrown。
　　THEALPHABETANDSIMPLIFIEDSPELLING。
　　ADDRESSATTHEDINNERGIVENTOMR。CARNEGIEATTHE
　　DEDICATIONOFTHENEWYORKENGINEERS'CLUB,DECEMBER9,1907。
　　Mr。Clemenswasintroducedbythepresidentoftheclub,who,quotingfromtheMarkTwainautobiography,recalledthedaywhenthedistinguishedwritercametoNewYorkwith$3insmallchangeinhispocketsanda$10billsewedinhisclothes。
　　ITseemstomethatIwasaroundhereintheneighborhoodofthePublicLibraryaboutfiftyorsixtyyearsago。Idon'tdenythecircumstance,althoughIdon'tseehowyougotitoutofmyautobiography,whichwasnottobeprinteduntilIamdead,unlessI'mdeadnow。Ihadthat$3inchange,andIrememberwellthe$10whichwassewedinmycoat。Ihaveprosperedsince。NowIhaveplentyofmoneyandadispositiontosquanderit,butIcan't。Oneofthosetrustcompaniesistakingcareofit。
　　Now,asthisisprobablythelasttimethatIshallbeoutafternightfallthiswinter,ImustsaythatIhavecomeherewithamission,andIwouldmakemyerrandofvalue。
　　ManycomplimentshavebeenpaidtoMr。Carnegieto—night。Iwasexpectingthem。Theyareverygratifyingtome。
　　Ihavebeenaguestofhonormyself,andIknowwhatMr。Carnegieisexperiencingnow。Itisembarrassingtogetcomplimentsandcomplimentsandonlycompliments,particularlywhenheknowsaswellastherestofusthatontheothersideofhimthereareallsortsofthingsworthyofourcondemnation。
　　JustlookatMr。Carnegie'sface。Itisfairlyscintillatingwithfictitiousinnocence。Youwouldthink,lookingathim,thathehadnevercommittedacrimeinhislife。Butno—lookathispestiferioussimplifiedspelling。Youcan'tanyofyouimaginewhatacrimethathasbeen。TorquemadawasnothingtoMr。Carnegie。ThatoldfellowshedsomebloodintheInquisition,butMr。Carnegiehasbroughtdestructiontotheentirerace。Iknowhedidn'tmeanittobeacrime,butitwas,justthesame。He'sgotusallsowecan'tspellanything。
　　Thetroublewithhimisthatheattackedorthographyatthewrongend。Hemeantwell,butheattackedthesymptomsandnotthecauseofthedisease。Heoughttohavegonetoworkonthealphabet。There'snotavowelinitwithadefinitevalue,andnotaconsonantthatyoucanhitchanythingto。Lookatthe"h's"distributedallaround。
　　There's"gherkin。"Whatareyougoingtodowiththe"h"inthat？Whatthedevil'stheuseof"h"ingherkin,I'dliketoknow。It'sonethingIadmiretheEnglishfor:theyjustdon'tmindanythingaboutthematall。
　　Butlookatthe"pneumatics"andthe"pneumonias"andtherestofthem。Arealreformwouldsettlethemonceandforall,andwindupbygivingusanalphabetthatwewouldn'thavetospellwithatall,insteadofthispresentsillyalphabet,whichIfancywasinventedbyadrunkenthief。Why,thereisn'tamanwhodoesn'thavetothrowoutaboutfifteenhundredwordsadaywhenhewriteshislettersbecausehecan'tspellthem！It'sliketryingtodoaSt。Vitus'sdancewithwoodenlegs。
　　NowI'llbetthereisn'tamanherewhocanspell"pterodactyl,"noteventheprisoneratthebar。I'dliketohearhimtryonce—butnotinpublic,forit'stoonearSunday,whenallextravaganthistrionicentertainmentsarebarred。I'dliketohearhimtryinprivate,andwhenhegotthroughtryingtospell"pterodactyl"youwouldn'tknowwhetheritwasafishorabeastorabird,andwhetheritflewonitslegsorwalkedwithitswings。Thechancesarethathewouldgiveittusksandmakeitlayeggs。
　　Let'sgetMr。Carnegietoreformthealphabet,andwe'llprayforhim—ifhe'lltaketherisk。
　　Ifwehadadequate,competentvowels,withasystemofaccents,givingtoeachvowelitsownsoulandvalue,soeveryshadeofthatvowelwouldbeshowninitsaccent,thereisnotawordinanytonguethatwecouldnotspellaccurately。Thatwouldbecompetent,adequate,simplifiedspelling,incontrasttotheclipping,thehairpunching,thecarbuncles,andthecancerswhichgobythenameofsimplifiedspelling。IfIaskyouwhatb—o—wspellsyoucan'ttellmeunlessyouknowwhichb—o—wImean,anditisthesamewithr—o—w,b—o—r—e,andthewholefamilyofwordswhichwerebornoutoflawfulwedlockanddon'tknowtheirownorigin。
　　Now,ifwehadanalphabetthatwasadequateandcompetent,insteadofinadequateandincompetent,thingswouldbedifferent。
　　Spellingreformhasonlymadeitbald—headedandunsightly。Thereisthewholetribeofthem,"row"and"read"and"lead"—awholefamilywhodon'tknowwhotheyare。Iaskyoutopronounces—o—w,andyouaskmewhatkindofaone。
　　Ifwehadasane,determinatealphabet,insteadofahospitalofcomminutedeunuchs,youwouldknowwhetheronereferredtotheactofamancastingtheseedovertheploughedlandorwhetheronewishedtorecalltheladyhogandthefutureham。
　　It'sarottenalphabet。IappointMr。Carnegietogetafterit,andleavesimplifiedspellingalone。Simplifiedspellingbroughtaboutsun—spots,theSanFranciscoearthquake,andtherecentbusinessdepression,whichwewouldneverhavehadifspellinghadbeenleftallalone。
　　Now,IhopeIhavesoothedMr。Carnegieandmadehimmorecomfortablethanhewouldhavebeenhadhereceivedonlycomplimentaftercompliment,andIwishtosaytohimthatsimplifiedspellingisallright,but,likechastity,youcancarryittoofar。
　　SPELLINGANDPICTURES。
　　ADDRESSATTHEANNUALDINNEROFTHEASSOCIATEDPRESS,ATTHEWALDORF—ASTORIA,SEPTEMBER18,1906。
　　IAMheretomakeanappealtothenationsinbehalfofthesimplifiedspelling。Ihavecomeherebecausetheycannotallbereachedexceptthroughyou。Thereareonlytwoforcesthatcancarrylighttoallthecornersoftheglobe—onlytwo—thesunintheheavensandtheAssociatedPressdownhere。Imayseemtobeflatteringthesun,butIdonotmeanitso;Iammeaningonlytobejustandfairallaround。Youspeakwithamillionvoices;noonecanreachsomanyraces,somanyheartsandintellects,asyou—exceptRudyardKipling,andhecannotdoitwithoutyourhelp。IftheAssociatedPresswilladoptanduseoursimplifiedforms,andthusspreadthemtotheendsoftheearth,coveringthewholespaciousplanetwiththemaswithagardenofflowers,ourdifficultiesareatanend。
　　Everydayofthethreehundredandsixty—fivetheonlypagesoftheworld'scountlessnewspapersthatarereadbyallthehumanbeingsandangelsanddevilsthatcanread,arethesepagesthatarebuiltoutofAssociatedPressdespatches。AndsoIbegyou,Ibeseechyou—
　　oh,Iimploreyoutospelltheminoursimplifiedforms。Dothisdaily,constantly,persistently,forthreemonths—onlythreemonths—itisallIask。Theinfallibleresult？—victory,victoryalldowntheline。Forbythattimealleyeshereandaboveandbelowwillhavebecomeadjustedtothechangeandinlovewithit,andthepresentclumsyandraggedformswillbegrotesquetotheeyeandrevoltingtothesoul。Andweshallberidofphthisisandphthisicandpneumoniaandpneumatics,anddiphtheriaandpterodactyl,andallthoseotherinsanewordswhichnomanaddictedtothesimpleChristianlifecantrytospellandnotlosesomeofthebloomofhispietyinthedemoralizingattempt。Donotdoubtit。Wearechameleons,andourpartialitiesandprejudiceschangeplaceswithaneasyandblessedfacility,andwearesoonwontedtothechangeandhappyinit。Wedonotregretourold,yellowfangsandsnagsandtushesafterwehavewornnice,fresh,uniformstoreteethawhile。
　　DoIseemtobeseekingthegoodoftheworld？Thatistheidea。
　　Itismypublicattitude;privatelyIammerelyseekingmyownprofit。
　　Wealldoit,butitissoundanditisvirtuous,fornopublicinterestisanythingotherornoblerthanamassedaccumulationofprivateinterests。In1883,whenthesimplified—spellingmovementfirsttriedtomakeanoise,Iwasindifferenttoit;more—Ievenirreverentlyscoffedatit。WhatIneededwasanobject—lesson,yousee。Itistheonlywaytoteachsomepeople。Verywell,Igotit。
　　AtthattimeIwasscramblingalong,earningthefamily'sbreadonmagazineworkatsevencentsaword,compoundwordsatsinglerates,justasitisinthedarkpresent。Iwasthepropertyofamagazine,aseven—centslaveunderaboiler—ironcontract。Onedaytherecameanotefromtheeditorrequiringmetowritetenpagesonthisrevoltingtext:"ConsiderationsconcerningtheallegedsubterraneanholophotalextemporaneousnessoftheconchyliaceoussuperimbricationoftheOrnithorhyncus,asforeshadowedbytheunintelligibilityofitsplesiosauriananisodactylousaspects。"
　　Tenpagesofthat。Eachandeverywordaseventeen—jointedvestibuledrailroadtrain。Sevencentsaword。Isawstarvationstaringthefamilyintheface。Iwenttotheeditor,andItookastenographeralongsoastohavetheinterviewdowninblackandwhite,fornomagazineeditorcaneverrememberanypartofabusinesstalkexceptthepartthat'sgotgraftinitforhimandthemagazine。Isaid,"Readthattext,Jackson,andletitgoontherecord;readitoutloud。"Hereadit:"ConsiderationsconcerningtheallegedsubterraneanholophotalextemporaneousnessoftheconchyliaceoussuperimbricationoftheOrnithorhyncus,asforeshadowedbytheunintelligibilityofitsplesiosauriananisodactylousaspects。"
　　Isaid,"Youwanttenpagesofthoserumbling,great,long,summerthunderpeals,andyouexpecttogetthematsevencentsapeal？"
　　Hesaid,"Aword'saword,andsevencentsisthecontract;whatareyougoingtodoaboutit？"Isaid,"Jackson,thisiscold—bloodedoppression。What'sanaverageEnglishword？"
　　Hesaid,"Sixletters。"
　　Isaid,"Nothingofthekind;that'sFrench,andincludesthespacesbetweenthewords;anaverageEnglishwordisfourlettersandahalf。
　　Byhard,honestlaborI'vedugallthelargewordsoutofmyvocabularyandshaveditdowntilltheaverageisthreelettersandahalf。Icanputonethousandandtwohundredwordsonyourpage,andthere'snotanothermanalivethatcancomewithintwohundredofit。Mypageiswortheighty—fourdollarstome。Ittakesexactlyaslongtofillyourmagazinepagewithlongwordsasitdoeswithshortones—fourhours。Now,then,lookatthecriminalinjusticeofthisrequirementofyours。Iamcareful,Iameconomicalofmytimeandlabor。Forthefamily'ssakeI'vegottobeso。SoIneverwrite'metropolis'forsevencents,becauseIcangetthesamemoneyfor'city。'Ineverwrite'policeman,'becauseIcangetthesamepricefor'cop。'Andsoonandsoon。Ineverwrite'valetudinarian'atall,fornotevenhungerandwretchednesscanhumblemetothepointwhereIwilldoawordlikethatforsevencents;Iwouldn'tdoitforfifteen。Examineyourobscenetext,please,countthewords。"
　　Hecountedandsaiditwastwenty—four。Iaskedhimtocounttheletters。Hemadeittwohundredandthree。
　　Isaid,"Now,Ihopeyouseethewholesizeofyourcrime。WithmyvocabularyIwouldmakesixtywordsoutofthosetwohundredandfiveletters,andgetfourdollarsandtwentycentsforit;whereasforyourinhumantwenty—fourIwouldgetonlyonedollarandsixty—eightcents。Tenpagesofthesesky—scrapersofyourswouldpaymeonlyaboutthreehundreddollars;inmysimplifiedvocabularythesamespaceandthesamelaborwouldpaymeeighthundredandfortydollars。Idonotwishtoworkuponthisscandalousjobbythepiece。Iwanttobehiredbytheyear。"Hecoldlyrefused。Isaid:
　　"Thenforthesakeofthefamily,ifyouhavenofeelingforme,yououghtatleasttoallowmeovertimeonthatwordextemporaneousness。"Againhecoldlyrefused。Iseldomsayaharshwordtoanyone,butIwasnotmasterofmyselfthen,andIspokerightoutandcalledhimananisodactylousplesiosaurianconchyliaceousOrnithorhyneus,androttentotheheartwithholophotalsubterraneanextemporaneousness。Godforgivemeforthatwantoncrime;
　　helivedonlytwohours。
　　FromthatdaytothisIhavebeenadevotedandhard—workingmemberoftheheaven—borninstitution,theInternationalAssociationforthePreventionofCrueltytoAuthors,andnowIamlaboringwithCarnegie'sSimplifiedCommittee,andwithmyheartinthework……
　　Nowthen,letuslookatthismightyquestionreasonably,rationally,sanely—yes,andcalmly,notexcitedly。Whatistherealfunction,theessentialfunction,thesupremefunction,oflanguage？
　　Isn'titmerelytoconveyideasandemotions？Certainly。Thenifwecandoitwithwordsoffoneticbrevityandcompactness,whykeepthepresentcumbersomeforms？Butcanwe？Yes。Iholdinmyhandtheproofofit。Hereisaletterwrittenbyawoman,rightoutofherheartofhearts。Ithinksheneversawaspelling—bookinherlife。
　　Thespellingisherown。Thereisn'tawasteletterinitanywhere。Itreducesthefoneticstothelastgasp—itsqueezesthesurplusageoutofeveryword—there'snospellingthatcanbeginwithitonthisplanetoutsideoftheWhiteHouse。Andasforthepunctuation,thereisn'tany。Itisallonesentence,eagerlyandbreathlesslyuttered,withoutbreakorpauseinitanywhere。Theletterisabsolutelygenuine—Ihavetheproofsofthatinmypossession。I
　　can'tstoptospellthewordsforyou,butyoucantaketheletterpresentlyandcomfortyoureyeswithit。Iwillreadtheletter:
　　"Miss—dearfriendItooksomeCloseintothearmerryandgivethemtoyoutoSendtoothesuffrersouttoCaliforniaandiHatetotrubleyoubutigottohaveoneofthemBackitwasablackollwolleShevyottWithajackettoMachtrimedKindofFancyno38BurstmeasureandpassymenterryacrostthefrontAndthecoloriwoodentTrubbleyoubutitbelongedtomybrotherswifeandsheisMadaboutitithoghtshewaswillinbutshewantshesaysshewantdonewithitandshewasgoingtoWearitaSpelllongersheantsofreehartedaswhatiamandsheHasgotmoretodowithThanihavehavingaHusbandtoWorkandslaveForherigessyourememberMeIamshotandstoutandlightcomplecteditorkedwithyouquiteaspellaboutthesuffrarsandsaiditwasorfulaboutthaterthquakeIshoodentwondariftheyhadanotheroneriteoffseeinegeneralCondisionofthecountryisKindofExplossiveihatetotakethatBlackdressawayfromthesuffrarsbutiwillhuntroundAndseeificangetanotherOneificaniwillcalltothearmerryforitifyouwilljestlayitassidesonomoreatpresentfromyourTruefriendilikedyourappearanceveryMuch"
　　Nowyouseewhatsimplifiedspellingcando。
　　Itcanconveyanyfactyouneedtoconvey;anditcanpouroutemotionslikeasewer。Ibegyou,Ibeseechyou,toadoptourspelling,andprintallyourdespatchesinit。
　　NowIwishtosayjustoneentirelyseriousword:
　　Ihavereachedatimeoflife,seventyyearsandahalf,wherenoneoftheconcernsofthisworldhavemuchinterestformepersonally。IthinkIcanspeakdispassionatelyuponthismatter,becauseinthelittlewhilethatIhavegottoremainhereIcangetalongverywellwiththeseold—fashionedforms,andIdon'tproposetomakeanytroubleaboutitatall。Ishallsoonbewheretheywon'tcarehowIspellsolongasIkeeptheSabbath。
　　Thereareeighty—twomillionsofuspeoplethatusethisorthography,anditoughttobesimplifiedinourbehalf,butitiskeptinitspresentconditiontosatisfyonemillionpeoplewholiketohavetheirliteratureintheoldform。Thatlookstometoberatherselfish,andwekeeptheformsastheyarewhilewehavegotonemillionpeoplecominginherefromforeigncountrieseveryyearandtheyhavegottostrugglewiththisorthographyofours,anditkeepsthembackanddamagestheircitizenshipforyearsuntiltheylearntospellthelanguage,iftheyeverdolearn。Thisismerelysentimentalargument。
　　PeoplesayitisthespellingofChaucerandSpenserandShakespeareandalotofotherpeoplewhodonotknowhowtospellanyway,andithasbeentransmittedtousandwepreserveditandwishtopreserveitbecauseofitsancientandhallowedassociations。
　　Now,Idon'tseethatthereisanyrealargumentaboutthat。Ifthatargumentisgood,thenitwouldbeagoodargumentnottobanishthefliesandthecockroachesfromhospitalsbecausetheyhavebeentheresolongthatthepatientshavegotusedtothemandtheyfeelatendernessforthemonaccountoftheassociations。Why,itislikepreservingacancerinafamilybecauseitisafamilycancer,andweareboundtoitbythetestofaffectionandreverenceandold,mouldyantiquity。
　　Ithinkthatthisdeclarationtoimprovethisorthographyofoursisourfamilycancer,andIwishwecouldreconcileourselvestohaveitcutoutandletthefamilycancergo。
　　Now,youseebeforeyouthewreckandruinofwhatwasonceayoungpersonlikeyourselves。Iamexhaustedbytheheatoftheday。I
　　musttakewhatisleftofthiswreckandrunoutofyourpresenceandcarryitawaytomyhomeandspreaditoutthereandsleepthesleepoftherighteous。Thereisnothingmuchleftofmebutmyageandmyrighteousness,butIleavewithyoumyloveandmyblessing,andmayyoualwayskeepyouryouth。
　　BOOKSANDBURGLARS。
　　ADDRESSTOTHEREDDING（CONN。）LIBRARYASSOCIATION,OCTOBER28,1908。
　　SUPPOSEthislibraryhadbeeninoperationafewweeksago,andtheburglarswhohappenedalongandbrokeintomyhouse—takingalotofthingstheydidn'tneed,andforthatmatterwhichIdidn'tneed—hadfirstmadeentryintothisinstitution。
　　Picturethemseatedhereonthefloor,poringbythelightoftheirdark—lanternsoversomeofthebookstheyfound,andthusabsorbingmoraltruthsandgettingamoraluplift。Thewholecourseoftheirliveswouldhavebeenchanged。Asitwas,theykeptstraightonintheirimmoralwayandweresenttojail。
　　Forallweknow,theymaynextbesenttoCongress。
　　And,speakingofburglars,letusnotspeakofthemtooharshly。
　　Now,Ihaveknownsomanyburglars—notexactlyknown,butsomanyofthemhavecomenearmeinmyvariousdwelling—places,thatIamdisposedtoallowthemcreditforwhatevergoodqualitiestheypossess。
　　Chiefamongthese,and,indeed,theonlyoneIjustnowthinkof,istheirgreatcarewhiledoingbusinesstoavoiddisturbingpeople'ssleep。
　　Noiselessastheymaybewhileatwork,however,theeffectoftheirvisitationistomurdersleeplateron。
　　Nowwearepreparedforthesevisitors。Allsortsofalarmdeviceshavebeenputinthehouse,andthegroundforhalfamilearoundithasbeenelectrified。Theburglarwhostepswithinthisdangerzonewillsetlooseabedlamofsounds,andspringintoreadinessforactionourelaboratesystemofdefences。Asforthefateofthetrespasser,donotseektoknowthat。Hewillneverbeheardofmore。
　　AUTHORS'CLUB。
　　ADDRESSATTHEDINNERGIVENINHONOROFMR。CLEMENS,LONDON,JUNE,1899。
　　Mr。ClemenswasintroducedbySirWalterBesant。
　　ITdoesnotembarrassmetohearmybookspraisedsomuch。Itonlypleasesanddelightsme。Ihavenotgonebeyondtheagewhenembarrassmentispossible,butIhavereachedtheagewhenIknowhowtoconcealit。ItissuchasatisfactiontometohearSirWalterBesant,whoismuchmorecapablethanItojudgeofmywork,deliverajudgmentwhichissuchacontentmenttomyspirit。
　　Well,Ihavethoughtwellofthebooksmyself,butIthinkmoreofthemnow。ItcharmsmealsotohearSirSpencerWalpoledeliverasimilarjudgment,andIshalltreasurehisremarksalso。Ishallnotdiscountthepraisesinanypossibleway。WhenIreportthemtomyfamilytheyshalllosenothing。Thereare,however,certainhereditieswhichcomedowntouswhichourwritingsofthepresentdaymaybetracedto。I,forinstance,readtheWalpoleLetterswhenIwasaboy。
　　Iabsorbedthem,gatheredintheirgrace,wit,andhumor,andputthemawaytobeusedby—and—by。Onedoesthatsounconsciouslywiththingsonereallylikes。Iamremindednowofwhatusethoselettershavebeentome。